#so i was able to get home but im fucking upset

[despite-everything]

so i lost my keys today for the first time in my life and im totally fucked.

#i spent HOURS looking #but i know i have to have lost them on this 0.8 mile long strip #cause i had them when i locked my car #and didnt have them when i arrived at my office door #and even though it was fucking 5 degrees out i retraced my steps twice #and asked every receptionist at all 10 buildings i passed by #and even went to multiple desks in some buildings #and no fucking luck. i even talked to the POLICE i was that desperate #they have my building key apartment key mail key and car keys #plus keys to my dads place and my best friends place #and a key to my work building and a keycard to my office and a keycard for my jiu jitsu studio #and a keychain i like is on it. #i lost ALL of that #my friend was able to drive me home and give me their copies of keys to my place #so i was able to get home but im fucking upset #and the cost to replace the car keys is going to be like $200. im really upset #if im lucky someone will have turned them in somewhere... the keycard has the name of the building i work in on it #so maybe itll make its way there #i legit downloaded REDDIT and YIK YAK to make posts about it. thats how desperate i am #tree talks

[sapphicsnzs]

im so grateful for this corner of the internet where i can just get my frustrations out

#self obs #i will delete this later but i just need to get it out #i told my two best friends about how i got rejected and they both were just like move on lol #like i don’t think they realize how awful i feel right now like literally that was my dream and im scared im never gonna be able to do it #i also somehow have to tell my parents and that’s a whole different problem #my parents are already up my ass about me quitinh my job for no reason #well basically i think they’re trying to get me to move home for the summer which doesn’t make sense to quit my job i’ve been working at #for almost a year to come back and get a job for a month #but like i can’t think of another reason that my parents would randomly want me to quit my job #so i’m stressed about that and now i also have to tell them i got rejected and now i can’t start the part of my degree that i need for my #fucking job and fuck i’m so stressed and don’t know what to do #and im just like so embarrassed and everyone is acting like its not a big deal even tho like if i apply again i probably won’t even get it #because i didn’t even make it past the interview phase and anyways im just so upset with myself and everything #i like actually thought my life was turning around and i was gonna be happy finally but nope #anyways this is just me sobbing and trying to let out my frustrations because no one will actually listen or validate that i’m upset #whatever im gonna go drink some wine and probably pass out on the floor of my room

[hecksupremechips]

Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩

#the klock keeps ticking #yttd #i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks #but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD #i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin #i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr #first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with #all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying #and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so #good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all #like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad #he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP #and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just #being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how #well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler #and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end #and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts #cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish #but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like #the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries #and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer #and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive #and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori #and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent #and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse #he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA #im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad #and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof #I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN #have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #god i wish i was neurotypical #found out my flatmate is going to be away for a few days after they left and bc id had no warning my anxiety spiked so hard #that i had such a wave of nausea i had to lie down #idk why that fucking happened. ridiculous. irs not like it really affects that much. just the thing of my home being changed in any way #without warning freaks me the fuck out. couldnt do any work til id laid under my weighted blanket at lunch #and like obvs this is an entirely me thing. i dont expect my flatmates to tell me every detail of what they're doing #not sure how to keep myself from freaking over it though. will think on it #but yeah. if i was neurotypical id be fine. i also want to play ky video games after work but im akways so exhausted that all i can do #is lie in bed under my weighted blanket. it is so frustrating. im so tired. not helped that pain is fucking me up in new ways #so im also upset aboit that. and that christmas is approaching abd that changes the routine completely #and is always overwhelming #but this year im staying home so i will be able to keep it quiet and low key and it'll be just me so i dont have to think about #masking in any way which is kind of nice as even the vibe of Christmas takes a lot oit of me #i enjoy the thought of it and always hate the day. same as my birthday. fun in theory. incredibly stressful actually #idk whether it's work stressing me oit long term but right now any change to what im expecting from my routine is making me #so so so frustrated and upset #i had to go get meds after work on tiesday and became so upset by it that i was awake until 1am and was super nauseous #not enjoying that as a primary symptom of anxiety rn. i find eating hard enough as it is #the hair washing routine has given ne sone stability this week which was very nice abd made me feel calm. abd mt physio routine #the energy it takes to do it is outweighed by the relief i get when ive done that part of my routine and then go to bed #work is hard. working full time is so hard. im coping but not well. defo think i need to try getting regular therapy sessions if only #to help me plan for what i need to do and work through coping strategies bc im really hitting a wall. i need to problem solve all #these things but im so exhausted that i can't. so they just keep piling up

[bibleofficial]

getting bitched at for being on crutches, getting bitched at for being in a wheelchair - or NOT in a wheelchair - getting bitched at for WALKING TOO SLOW ON A CANE like my family needs to fuck off and leave me ALONE

#stream #QUIT TRUING TONUSE ME AS A BATTERING RAM AND MAYBE ID SIT IN THE FUCKING CHAIR U ASSHOLES #ITS BC NONE OF YALL KNOW HOW TO PUSH THIS THING W/O MY LEG GETTING MORE BROKE THAN ME WALKING ON IT MYSWLF #SO FUCKING ANNOYING #‘we didn’t bring this wheelchair …’ YEA BC U DIDNT NEED TO BC I SAID FUCKINGN NOT TO #DONT PISS ME OFF #my family is soooooo ANNOYING #like can i WALK ? CAN I WALK ? the only time y’all decide to haul ass is when i’m fucking BROKEN smh #like u know what y’all do ur tours im staying home and minding my #own business not getting bitched at thanks #the most enjoyable part #i could just go buy wine & beer & just get trashed & watch youtube #vacation #‘we don’t want u more broke than u are now’ THEN QUIT ACTING LIKE IM TOO BROKEN TO WALK OR TOO ABLE TO BE BROKEN #FUCKING PICK ONE #oh my god when my mother was like ‘oh u don’t want to use the wheelchair ? u want to use crutches ? u want to carry ur bag too ?’ like yea l #let me PULL A SUITCASE w my fucking CLAWED COCK bc my hands are TOTALLY free and NOT filled w crutches #give me a fucking BREAK #don’t get upset when i SNAP either bc y’all are so fucking ridiculous

[invisiblyvisiblejay]

the difference between me graduating as a math major with no concentration and a pure math major is ONE FUCKING ELECTIVE but since they aren't offering a summer class i have to take id have to take four math classes in one semester (plus 2 non math classes) to take the elective ☹️☹️☹️☹️

#this is so genuinely upsetting lol #them not offering that summer class has fucked like all of my plans im so upset abt it lmao #screams #there's literally nothing i can take over the summer lmao zero nada nothing #i liked my plan ☹️☹️☹️☹️ #now i have to apply for internships if i don't want to stay home all summer (ill kms) which is so much work #and there aren't even rly internships in the stuff i want to do #i wish i had a car then i could take a class at a different university and transfer it #but i wouldn't be able to get there ☹️

[spoopy-fish-writes]

Lmao my mum is getting so upset about the fact that I don't have irl friends (to her knowledge) that she's even taken to asking how my one friend who she hates with every fibre of her being is doing because she knows it's her fault that I'm supposedly distancing myself from everyone and everything

#obviously im never gonna tell her that I have friends Ill just let her wallow in her guilt #had i had even an ounce less self assurance I would have dropped all of my friends and she would still be acting like this except i would #also be upset #it probably doesnt help that I always sound so bitter whenever she asks me about friends in any way lmao #but that fucking sucks for her idc #like you stop me from being able to contact my friends for an entire year this is what you fucking get #and i will continue to act disconnected and never go outside whenever im at home and then have the bestest time ever when im in school #or whatever. idc if that makes me a bad person you reap what you sow and i am making sure that she gets all the way to the roots #tw mother mention #spoopy fish rambles

[stedebonnit]

I just got a noise complaint. For "loud talking". Which only could have been from me talking ON THE PHONE with someone because I LITERALLY LIVE ALONE AND HAVENT HAD ANYONE OVER IN OVER A MONTH.

And im pretty sure its from a particular phone call with my friend one night at the horrid deadly late hour of 11pm, and it was because I couldnt sleep and wanted some fucking emotional support, and halfway through the call i laughed at something and heard someone knocking on my wall.

Like i know im probably more angry about this than normal because my depression is making me irritable but it honestly just really pisses me off because it feels so fucking isolating to tell someone who LIVES ALONE to fucking WHISPER on the phone inside of my own apartment. Like. Im not screaming, its not 4am. I get that people go to bed early but i also live downtown and you can ALWAYS hear noises from the streets, and people have talked waaay louder than me in the halls before and Ive never complained. And it bothers me too because like Im barely even home. I work 3 jobs plus school right now. I have 3 days a week where im out of the house between 7am and 9pm, and yet im still getting complaints about TALKING in my own apartment. The letter (from my landlord, mind you, so it was an "official" noise complaint that they went to my LANDLORD about) literally said "loud talking". Not yelling. Not screaming. Loud talking.

In my own home. At 11pm.

Im tired, man. I dont have the energy for this shit. Like maybe get some earplugs if my speaking bothers you too much.

#d speaks #sorry i just needed to get this out #im so fucking tired and ive been so depressed and to come home and be told that #one of the only things helping me cope rn (being able to call my friend and feel less alone) is being complained about really hurts #plus im already insecure bc i know i struggle with volume control sometimes (adhd hi) but i really dont think i was being that loud #and it just threw me back to when i was younger and people were always telling me to stop talking so much #idk man im overreacting i know #like my feelings are valid but my reaction is disproportionate #but its just really upsetting idk #sorry for the rant lol

[hearties-circus]

I cant keep up with this

#gamer txt. #vent #i guess? thats my intent anyways #im just. so tired all of the time #im stressed to the point of wanting to cry nearly everyday now #and i know thats not good to hold in so i keep telling myself 'ill cry when i get home ill cry when i get home' #as if that isn't multiple hours from then when i wont feel like crying again #when id have to make myself cry #but i cant do that i know how i get it'll go too far and I'll spiral #but i cant keep holding it in #and i cant just cry in the moment because im in public #and it keeps happening. everyday #i get so stressed out and upset and i cant do anything about it #and now theres been a sudden role swap and ill be essentially performing in front of my whole class first thing in the fucking morning #and because im babysitting tonight ill only have 3 more days to work on the sonic plushie #if i have the motivation to work on the sonic plushie #and theres the prelims next month and all my teachers telling me study study study as if ive always been able to do that #as if i have the free time currently to do that #and i just i cant keep doing this i need to stop i need to take a break but im not going to get one and i dont know what to do

[bat-bestie]

god everything sucks so bad right now

#big BIG vent in the tags heed the warning #cw pet loss #i don't even know where to start actually #im just a mess right now and i haven't even been able to say or type or think too hard about. the most important thing #god this sucks #my cat bunny. the one who's really nervous around everyone but trusts me. my girl #she hasn't been acting quite right lately so my mom took her to the vet and they say she has spinal cancer #and there's nothing we can do #and it's progressing really fast #she was fine just a few days before i left for college this semester #i haven't seen her in a month. month and a half #and now im going home for the weekend as an emergency visit and it's the last time i'll get to be with her. #this week has been fucking horrible it's midterms and i haven't been able to focus or study or think #im almost grateful ive been so busy with assignments because everytime i don't have anything i Have to do i breakdown #i had to ask one of my professors for an extension because im a wreck right now and he seemed like he almost didn't believe me too #he was like 'wellllll if it's an emergencyyy 😒' #sir i put my shirt on backwards and didn't notice literally all day i cannot write a fucking midterm essay like this #and i can't really talk about any of this either bc im always aware that if i kill the vibe too much people won't want to hang out with me #and just to make things a little bit worse i keep seeing people adopting cats or posting that theirs just had kittens everywhere #im just so upset. bunny is the most important thing in the world to me #in my worst moments when ive needed something to get me through it the fact that i can't leave her alone has been at the top of the list #i don't know how im gonna be able to be home without her #i fucking hate this #sorry for doomer posting go do something uplifting #delete later

[i-luvsang]

i hate being on the verge of tears in public !!! and it’s about fucking kpop i need to get a grip!!!!!!!$;73&38&2$.!’$/$3!/‘j$€{€!{£&jhhdjdhwijwgeieiehhejeiddggdneiwiwhuwjeieuebidnejskaowhhrbdieiruruidieieiehndozi&$:$£7:)3&k$$;$&jhdhiahJh

#only feeling a little bit upset tho!!!! RJUDJDK #HAHAHA I DONT EVEN CARE #I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE RESEARCH BEFORE GETTING MY HOPES UP LIKE THIS #HONESTLY FUCK KQ SO MUCH #OBVIOUSLY THEY SUCK BC #DUH ALL KPOP COMPANIES DO #AND I HATE THE THINGS THEY DO MOST OF THE TIME #BUT GOD #IM STILK UPSET #why did i expect anything decent god #basically since last tour i’ve planned and saved up to get vip tix! #ofc to be closer to the stage since i was in nosebleeds last time #but also because vip had hi touch and maybe even meet and greet if those are different idk whatever #and i was so so set on getting hi touch next time they toured #and now their touring and there is no hi touch or meet and greet whatsoever #and the prices are like triple compared to last time #and presale is tomorrow and i don’t even know what to do for tickets anymore #obviously i’m so so excited and lucky and privileged to be able to see them at all #as long as presale doesn’t sell out before i get anything lol #but still #i’m just having trouble getting over this part of it right now :(( #and every time i think about it too hard or look at them or listen to their music i get real close to crying!! #i’m just really disappointed and i’ll probably sob about it when i get home to start getting over it lmao #anyways i don’t have any feelings about it tho!! #again i recognize this is such a spoiled thing to complain about and im sorry if its annoying to read abt!! #i so get that #i used to think i’d never even get to go to concerts at all and ik some people can’t #some people can’t even buy albums and that kind of thing so i do apologize for complaining about having money basically #i just saved up for so long and got so excited :((

[shatterthefragments]

Ok mum talked to me like an adult now that she’s slept instead of sulking and apparently slamming the door as she came in was to ‘slam the door on me’

#not as upset as earlier #and she waited to have dad drive her to the hospital but didn’t wake me up to let me know so I could turn off do not disturb oops #and yeah I should’ve just gone to bed earlier so I would be awake when I normally am #but usually in my days off I end up feeling so guilty about waking mum up that I’ll just stay in bed until noon or so hungry and all #so I stay up later without guilt #and I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital bc I could take her to the city er and she said no so I didn’t expect her to go with him #and then need a ride while I was still asleep #ACTUALLY WHILE IM AT IT #I DIDNT EVEN GET HER TO GET ME FROM THE ER WHEN I HAD DAD DROP ME OFF THERE LAST TIME EITHER #because I can’t rely on her and she’d be asleep and would probably tell me to take a taxi anyway #and so I didn’t even expect her to answer the phone even if it woke her up let alone actually come get me from the hospital. #and another time I took the fucking bus #which. when I’m in a condition to go to the hospital and then have to walk home from the bus stop… #I should be better #but also 👀 I know it’s hard. but it’s been nearly a decade since I got my license and had to do everything myself #but it would be nice to be able to even *think* that you would do the same for me #and a VERY VERY PETTY part of me is like #ah yes. waiting for that long. I also had to wait that long at after grad when you swore you would be able to #family

[originalkid-basement]

I miss my comfort zone I wish I'd stayed in my comfort zone

#this might be too much i think im gonna barf #maybe not but it feels like it #if someone mentions it im going to #its not a bad change necessarily but it might be too much #i really wish i could drive myself home right now #NO #IT NEEDED TO HAPPEN ANYWAYS #oh theres no context #im freaking out because i bleached my roots because they were growing out #im very picky about things staying the same when i do to school #otherwise i have a nervous breakdown and throw up #but this isnt that big #i look the same as before #i shouldnt think of every little change as scary and im not going to stand out because of this #i mean not anymore than i already did #BUT THERES A CERTAIN LEVEL!! #OF DIFFERENT THAT I LET MYSELF BE!! #god its been almost three years i need to get over it #my roots are ORANGE though #im so fucking upset about that #theyre not SUPER orange youd have to stare at them to be able to tell but #orange enough that theres a difference #im getting them fixed this weekend its fine

[terramassakin]

...

#ok putting this all in the tags but i just need to get this out of my head right now in a tangible way #but i just feel so fucking trapped by my own body right now and have had three breakdowns already becauze of it #for the last month or so i have essentially been cut off from the outside world and even the beings i love with right now #all thanks to my godsdamned immune system and lungs #because since i moved in my allergies have become hyper-active and aggravated my asthma to the point i still struggle to just talk #or even breathe without sounding like a human squeak toy or bagpipe #because of that i havent been able to talk with friends online in vc even though id love to #i cant go outside because that sets off my allergies and im afraid theres gonna be another allergen that actually drives me to use my epi #AND im incredibly limited in my home now as i am very allergic to all three pets whose hair is EVERYWHERE #and worst of all #the one pet i am the most allergic to is our cat Mochi who i absolutely love and she loves me more than anyone else #and she is getting so so so skinny and old and wont be around much longer #but i cant give her all the love and affection she deserves for being my precious Motorboat #because my allergies will very quickly decide that breathing is no longer an option if i breathe in too much hair #and her cat hair will become a landmine of allergies thatll be kicked up whenever that area is disturbed #and my hands are already getting so dried out from all the hand washing #and i am just so upset by this #and essentially grieving the fact i wont be able to give her as much love and affection as i want to before she passes #and i may need to move my computer setup into my bedroom as its the one place that can be kept pet free #and i just... gods i hate this so much... ;-; #like im scared to even try and push these allergies because if they get aggrivated then they make life hell #everything itches and it becomes so hard to just breathe normally (let alone even be able to talk to my family) for like a week afterwards #and i just.... i just want to pet and give my Mochi affection while shes still here #but shes getting so so bony and is having a harder time moving around to even fet up into her cat tree ;-; #idk how much longer she has left vut i know that it'll be a long time before my allergy shots can make my allergy to her manageable #and i just... i dont know what to do and i hate it ;-;

[baby-prophet]

I started sobbing after I thought the elevator doors were closed and thought I was in the clear but the stranger who just got off the elevator asked me if I was alright as the doors were closing. ........ and now im sobbing harder.. .

#i didnt start ceying until after it got resolved #which i think is good i didnt completely freak out like i was able to hold myself together #and get shit fixed but god i feel so fucking stupid #but i was like sobbing the whole way home #and calling myself names like you dumb cock sucking bdumbass bitch #im drunk and sad and kept gagging on phlem its so gross im so fucking upset #im ok strangers are ok #im never drinking and helping people ever again LOL #nah i promised the homeless man who im becomi g friends with some cash for food #like hes cool and nice to me #norm.allie #my roomate hasnt asked me if im ok #which is ok but im ...... idk #college owns

[agayconcept]

.

#im rly mad at myself bc i was gonna go to a local queer art hang yesterday #but got halfway to the bus stop and had a full blown panic attack #and had to give up and go home #i know why it happened its bc i had a drs appt earlier in the day that went rly badly and i was already an emotional wreck #but i was rly hoping to make it to that event so i could cheer myself up and make some good good queer connections #but i freaked out instead and had to sit on a curb while i shook like a fuckin chihuahua #and now there's only 1 hang left this summer before it stops which i Will make myself go to no matter what #but still #im just. rly upset bc i wanted to go #i know some of the folks who attend and they're all rly fun and it would've been nice to see them and chill w them again #and im just. very fuckin upset idk #im Disappointed in myself and i Know i shouldnt be but i fucking am #im so stupid mad at mysslf for never being able to handle fucking anything #even when its something i rly rly wanna do #like #its just. getting to the point of devastating #i lost a lot of friends thru covid and my homelessness-mental breakdown-isolation-hospitalization years #and the few i still have r gr8 but i dont rly get to see them often #and i'd like to see them more often but ofc i cant make myself ask that bc oh look another impending panic attack #jfc im just. so done w my brain. i h8 living inside this stupid thing so fucking much its literal hell #I MISS MY FRIENDS #I MISS HAVING COMMUNITY #I FEEL ALONE ALL THE FUCKING TIME #see i can scream that into the internet void just fuckin fine but cant even reach out to ppl to be like 'hey. been a while. sup?' #just. UGHHSHSJSJ #like ya my agoraphobia is 10x worse since i got transphobically assaulted this month but like #even when its not for that reason i am still an anxious MESS all the time #and that shitty drs appt? was a psychiatrist telling me he refuses to prescribe me anxiety meds bc he doesnt trust me on them #and that im too dependent on them to cope/function. ummm. YA MY GUY THATS WHAT THEYRE FOR ??? TF ???? #now that im off them i cant be in public w/o hyperventilating. fuck rite off dude i'll find a diff dr to renew the script who isnt a jackass