#so i can either be happy? or i can afford to pay my bills

[whiskingskin]

My mental health be so good and yummy tasty and then I remember I have to pay rent. Then I remember I have to buy groceries. Then I remember I need to buy gas. Then I remember I need to pay my car insurance. Then I remember I need to pay my renters insurance. Then I remember I need to pay for my cats food. Then I need to pay for my cats litter as well as some toilet paper for myself. Oh shit we're out of detergent- lemme run yo the store and pay for some more cleaning supplies. Oh, but our garbage disposal is broken, let me pay the maintenence man to come fix it. Did you want to have a treat after work? I hope you can afford it. Did you want to work at this place you're passionate for doing something you love? Sorry- we're only open 4 days a week, so you'll need a second job to pay your rent. Don't forget, your family and friends have birthdays coming up! Get them a present so you're not a bad friend. Or make them one- what do you mean you don't have the energy? Dont forget that the new canvas will cost 6.99! Shoot, you're depressed? Luckily, your therapy is only 200$ an appointment- you can pay that, right? And your life saving medications, of course! That'll be 850$- yes, that's with your insurance included. Don't you want to feel better? Please dress better- you're not being very professional. If you can't afford to dress professionally maybe you shouldn't be working professionally. Yes, a laptop is required for this position, but it would be in your best interest to buy it yourself. No, we don't have these hours available for you, even though I just told you how understaffed we are. What do you mean you don't want to work? What do you mean you don't want to pay?

If you're not paying, what are you doing? Stop.

#i hate it here #im a teacher btw. teaching is my passion and i would work even if i did not get paid #but bitch we are getting paid and crazy news its not enough #this morning i woke up so excited to pay rent because i was paid same day and its a lot more convenient to my brain #and yet! and yet. i did not get paid enough. i did not get paid enough <3 and i never will <3 #this is the job ive been happiest at. i love my coworkers i love my boss i love the environment i ENJOY GOING TO WORK #but theres no damn point if i dont get paid enough to sustain my home #i dont think i can handle another job. even my previous job was too much #but it paid better at least #so i can either be happy? or i can afford to pay my bills #idk how to ask for help inna way that isnt straight up texting my boss “hey listen if i come in today im straight up gonna kill myself” #because what the fuck #im happy. my default mood is joy. even looking at bathroom tiles makes me pleased with how nicely they are lined up #aND YET I WANNA RIP MY OWN ORGANS OUT AND EAT THEM!!!! I WANNA FUCKING DIE I WOULD RATHER DO SO THAN CONTINUE IN THIS DYSTOPIA AAAAAAAAAAGH

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#the week before last my mom and i decided to spend more time in nature since we've been cooped up inside since like 2020 #we decided to enjoy our garden again #(mostly cause we can't afford to turn on the AC because of bills going up but it was still a nice change in routine) #we cleaned up the patio table and got our folding chairs from storage (things we hadn't properly used in years) #i got an old unused notebook out to write outside and just have a nice chill time #we were combating mosquitoes but it was fine and my dog was really happy to just chill with us on the grass #it was perfect and lovely #... #that lasted exactly 3 days #last tuesday night some fucking asshole jumped my neighbors wall (or our gate idk) and stole our two old ass folding chairs #and wednesday night he came back to get the table he forgot (a table so fucking heavy idk how he managed to get it up the wall/gate) #and as you can imagine... if we can't afford to turn on the ac because the electricity bill is already impossible to pay... #it was a real fucking effort to buy another table #but i fucking REFUSE to go back inside like a fucking puppy with my tail between my legs #we can barely make it to the end of the month #buying something silly like icecream or an extra sweet has us revaluating the entire month's expenses #and we can't even own fucking furniture that we've owned for like 15 years #i'm so fucking tired! #i want to either die or leave this place and honestly dying is more achievable #anyways i just spent almost half the money i had on my bank account #but i bought a small folding table which i will fold up and bring inside every fucking night because not even a gate can keep you safe #i will fucking sit outside and enjoy fucking nature so help me god! #(if the rats/lizards let me lol) #see why i'm so fucking tired all the time?! when you're not dealing with pests you're dealing with human pests #i do thank god and all angels above they didn't try to break in and kill us in the process but my fucking garden furniture!!! #that was too long cause i'm still pissed #and tomorrow is grocery shopping day so i'm depressed again #angel talks #personal

[sillysadduck]

I never wanted it to get to this point, but I don't have a choice. I finally made a paypal and I'm trying to set up a ko-fi.

Please read to the bottom and reblog, for the first time I seriously need your help, I mean it.

Hi again, context for my desperate behavior:

For those who know me from my dhmis or fnaf fanart, you know I have been around for years, and I was always happy to bring you free requests. I have never asked for money, it didn't feel right for me even when you were willing to donate to help me escape my living situation, but I am eternally thankful with those who offered ♡ having said this, you know I would never ask unless I absolutely HAVE to.

I'm studying -and pretty much living- with the money of a scholarship, but with the costs of food and books I cannot afford to live. I'm not being dramatic, I have spent more than one day without eating in the last few weeks.

I'm off my meds because I cannot afford them either.

I can't work because I'm the only one who takes care of my disabled sister at home, my mom isn't strong enough to pick her up and change her on her own anymore even if she tries. The days when I'm not home, I'm at college all day trying to survive while my elderly aunt helps take care of my sister.

Recently, what made me hit rock bottom was that my cat, Chimu, started peeing blood. My parents refused to help me pay for his vet bills, even when they're the ones who adopted him. He cries in pain everyday, he's a cat from the streets with a mental disability and I'm the only one who cares about him. The cat food for cats with urinary issues is $70, it may not seem like a lot but I'm surviving with $20 a month (in my country's currency, minimum wage is around $200) and I didn't care about suffering on my own but I won't drag him down with me.

Plus, this month, the government website has been glitching and I didn't receive the money I had been receiving so far. I need your help, if you can't buy then please reblog. I'm currently trying to set up a ko-fi too. I need you more than ever, even if I'm not as active as I used to be, as you can see now there is good reason for my absence.

TLDR: I can't afford to eat, study, or save my family cat, and my parents are pretending I don't exist. Please help me.

Thank you if you read this far <3

#commissions open #emergency commissions #art #digital art #ill tag my fandoms bc I honestly dont know what to tag. #fnaf #dhmis #undertale #art commisions #comisiones abiertas #arte digital #my art

[ghouljams]

I AN FERAL OVER THAT COWBOY GRAVES ASK. Gnawing on the bars of my enclosure, I am a rabid animal at this point. Imagining his darling is known as being very standoffish and cold. Doesn’t participate in any local celebrations, doesn’t even try to make any friends, and doesn’t even bother to make small talk or joke around with anyone she has to interact with, just grunts and moves on as quickly as possible. Doesn’t help that she has a resting bitch face. Oh, but she’s so sweet to the animals. Lingers on the edges of other people’s farms (maybe she can’t afford her own or something, idk), petting them and feeding them sugar cubes or other goodies. The softest look in her eyes when they nuzzle into her hands. ♥️♥️♥️

I actually see his darling as someone who is well known for being friendly, you just have to look past the resting bitch face. Maybe reader looks standoffish but people are drawn to them. It's a real problem! People just come up and share their worries with them, talk to them like they're old friends. Is always kind and courteous to folks, so they're well known in the rodeo circuit. I think they're a bronc rider like Goose, not well known for winning but well known for their kindness. I get very... silver and bronze buckle energy, which they're happy with.

But it's exactly because you're so used to people coming up and talking to you, to men hitting on you, that you're almost immune to Graves' charm. He finds you, desperate to try and flirt, try and win you over, and you're just... not interested. It drives him crazy. He's attractive, how are you not attracted to him? Ok so not interested in looks. He sidles up next to you at one of the food booths and pays for your food with crisp bills, even leaves a generous tip. You thank him, but not profusely. You don't seem even a little wooed, don't even spare him a genuine smile.

Yet you go to sit with your friends and you beam like sunshine on earth. You smile and laugh for them, take off your hat to fan your face with it in the summer heat. You're gorgeous and untouchable and he has to have you just- just to prove that he hasn't lost his touch. No other reason.

He corners you at the bar, cages you against the lacquered wood with a firm hand on either side of you. He leans heavily against his palms, flexing a little, showing off for you. Your eyes flick over him, you raise a brow, "Can I help you?" You ask like you're unimpressed. Graves leans a little closer, tips his head so he can drag his eyes over you.

"You wanna help me?" He asks, voice slick and flirty. You blink at him, some sweet mischief in your eyes that makes him want to purr for you. "I told you sweetheart, I'm gonna make you mine. Would go a lot faster with you helpin' out." He likes the way you nod, slow and purposeful before you hook a finger into one of his belt loops. You drag him close, turn your head to speak into his ear.

"Where's the fun in that," You tell him. You hate flirts like him, men that chase you just because you're a pretty feather in their cap. It's fun playing with them though. Worth it for the steely look in Graves' eye when you pull away and pat his chest, ducking under his arm to rejoin your friends.

You don't see the way his hands clench against the bar, the way he drops his head to laugh to himself, replacing his annoyance with mirth. Oh you are cute. Worth it, he thinks, worth every trouble he knows you're going to put him through. Worth a quick background check, and a dossier. No sense marrying someone he doesn't know, and that's where this is going. Soon as you figure out he's worth the trouble.

#cod x reader #x reader #phillip graves x reader #phillip graves cod #phillip graves #cod graves #graves x reader #graves mw2 #phillip graves mw2 #cowboy!graves #cowboy!141 #I hate this man #what you are so fucking cocky for #hitting him is more than he deserves #Goose would cold clock him and he'd hit the mat before he knew what was happening #and I stand by that #she's right for it

[vdragon-creations]

TMayNT Day 13: Best Don

Day 13 of @tmaynt Prompt: Best Don!

Oh my sweet, how I've waited for this day! It should probably come as no surprise to anyone who fallows me or anyone who saw my Day 1 entry that Donnie is my favorite turtle! Hands down, no contest!

But here comes the hard part. Choosing my favorite! Gunna be honest, it's a very hard decision. Each Donnie has a quality to them that I just adore! Intelligence! I don't like to think of myself as that smart, at least not in the way Donnie is! And I love me some soft nerdy types! And when it comes to personality, it gets even harder to pick, because literally ALL of them are just precious.

87 is smart but a bit of a dork! 2003 is...goals. Sweet, kind, has a tiny bit of spice to him, and still has the skills to pay the bills! 2007, while not having much screen time, is a reliable man.

IDW, tbh, I've yet to read the comics in full, but from what I can see, he seems a lot like a mix of both 2003, 2007, and 87 Don. As in, while he's a little more softspoken then the others, he can still hold his own in a fight! And despite having been through some clearly otherworldly shit, he's a skeptic when it comes to magic. But I love the way they wrote him! (And his death scene still makes me cry! And seeing him still deal with pain from that incident is just *Chef's kiss*!)

2012....well...I don't have much to say about him. Frankly he's my least favorite out of the bunch, and all because the writers really wanted to play fanfic writer and they leaned whyyyyy too hard into the nerd stereotype. Resulting in making him borderline creepy to April. (Not that she's perfect either because goddess on a stick I'm not getting into that today.) The one thing I'll give him is that his sarcasm in this one made his very funny to hear in banter, and I apricate that they were trying to do more then just change the skin colors to make the boys stand out from one another. (But guys...really....the gap in the teeth was just not necessary..)

The Bayverse Donnie was one that had to grow on me a little, cause I'm part of the crowed that thought they looked a bit rough. But I agree that that's kinda the point, they're mutants. They more then likely would be a little rough looking irl. But after aa bit, he does start looking pretty cute anyway! And his voice is on par with 2003, in that he just sounds so sweet! I wanna hug him! (PLUS, THE FUCKER IS 6'8"! I'M 5'3"! And I do have a weakness for taller dudes. Bonus if they wear glasses! :3)

Now, for Rise. I was once part of the Cowaboomer crowed that thought that since RISE was so different from the other versions, it was there for ruined. I've since watched it, and the movie, and if anything, I've proven that I no longer think this way! RISE Donnie tho...he had to grow on me. At first I really didn't like him. His personality was such a stark contrast from all the other versions that it was almost like he was a whole new character! And with the art style of RISE being so different, his design was quite a jolt too. (The eyebrows are...a choice.) But after a while, that smug fucking smile had me feeling a type of way. The way he'd make me laugh was starting to become infectious! And the next thing I knew, I fell for this version too! Pretty hard I might say. And while 2003 Donnie is the sweetest bean to ever grace my screen, RISE became the living definition of the meme "I'm a luxury few can afford!"! And I love him!

After that, we had the batman cross over that brought us another Donnie! Once that I'm happy didn't lean too heavy on the other versions. He looked a little like 2012, but was like a gentle mix or 2003 and Bayverse! He also got a lot more lines and personality in that movie! (As well as a broken arm! RIP)

Then Mutant Mayhem showed up, and oh my god if he isn't the same insufferable anime fan I was when I was a teen! He made me laugh, and was still an adorable little dork!

And then we have Fortnite Donnie, who...i gotta be honest, I don't play Fortnite. So I'm not sure if he or the others get much of a personality or story outside of the same story of the turtles that we all know by now. So i can't judge him based on personality. But...I do like his design. Tho I will continue to say Fortnite had NO RIGHT to make him THAT damn fine!

In the end, I love all Donnies! Some more then others, but they all mean something to me! And it was hard to choose! but in the end, I chose the two that had the most influence on me!

#tmnt #my art #fan art #sketch #tmnt 2003 #donnie 2003 #2003 donnie #2003 tmnt #tmaynt #tmaynt challenge #tmnt donnie #donnie tmnt #tmnt 2k3 #2k3 donatello #2k3 donnie #donnie 2k3 #tmnt donatello #rise tmnt #tmnt rise #rise donnie #donnie rise #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt #donnie rottmnt #purple will always be my favorite color #thanks to you donnie

[skyjynxart]

Emergency Commission Sales

I- don’t know where to begin. 

This started as a vet bill fund, but now the situation is just- so much worse, because when I arrived at work yesterday, I was told I am being let go. They were extremely unclear as to why exactly, but as I live in an at-will state, it doesn’t really matter.

I have no job, a massive vet bill to pay, a wisdom tooth coming in, and a car with no heat going into winter. 

I don’t really know what I’m going to do beyond the immediate coverage of vet bills, because I submitted over 140 applications with no response before I finally heard back from this place- there are just more people looking for jobs than there are jobs remotely near where I live, but I can’t afford to survive, much less move. 

Financial Details: One of my cats has one, possibly two abscessed teeth that need removed. I paid $260 for a vet visit, blood work, and antibiotics. I got the quote for what surgery will cost this morning, and they are estimating between $1,175 - $1,715, depending on if he needs both teeth taken out or just one.

I have been putting off my own wisdom tooth removal while I saved up for it, because it will cost $1,100

I don’t know how much it will cost to fix the heat in my car for winter.

My monthly expenses are $460/month because the cost of my medication has gone up after my sliding scale application was denied. I still have to pay $380 of those monthly expenses for November.

As of now, if I forgo my own dental care entirely, and empty my savings entirely, that will still leave me -$851 in the red. Anything that does not go to covering this month’s expenses and Severus’s vet fees will go to either next month’s expenses, or to saving for my own dental needs.

I will be figuring out a more sustainable plan over the next few days, but my current focus is on the immediate issue in front of me.

For the immediate moment, I am offering the following:

25% off my kofi shop using the code SEVVYTEETH . This goes until the end of the month. https://ko-fi.com/skyjynx/link/SEVVYTEETH 

3 Commission Slots I will be opening 3 commission slots for ANY TYPE on my price sheet: https://skyjynx.carrd.co/#pricing Those 3 pieces will be started once I finish my current owed art [https://trello.com/b/TCd6yTnL/art-queue] (everything in ‘currently working on’) When those are all finished, I will open 3 more slots. I am more than happy to draw your OCs, your blorbos from games/tv/etc, or even spicy content (*some kinks at my discretion, but feel free to ask!)

REMINDER: Kofi & patreon subscribers have access to discounted pricing which can be found here: https://skyjynxcomms.carrd.co/ 

If you'd like to claim a commission slot you can do so by DM

If you just wanna toss some money my way, I do have a ko-fi for tips: https://ko-fi.com/skyjynx

Reblogs/boosting apprecaited. <3

#commissions #commission sale #commissions open #emergency #emergency sale #vet fund #please boost #signal boost

[absentlyabbie]

teen me did not think i would live to see the age of 36. more than that, she didn't particularly want to.

that kid had been ground and beat down enough and boxed in by her present she couldn't conceive of a future at all, much less a good one, and so figured none was best.

i bought a mattress today.

my current one is only 5 years old, but it was bought floor-model clearance and started sagging to one side within 2 years (don't do memory-foam only, friends.) i've suffered on that damn thing for three years after that, and i wake up every day in pain.

but today i bought a new mattress. because i needed one, and because i could. because i'm finally in the kind of financial situation where i can afford to do that with a tax refund.

i am 36 and i have a good job with people i like, good benefits and the best pay i've ever had, i live in a nice apartment in an area i love with my best friend and our cat. and i can afford to do things like get treats from the bakery on the weekends and, because suffering every night is awful, buy a new mattress when i need one.

that teenager couldn't have seen this as possible. not through well into my 20s either. she had no clue this was coming, that here was where she'd be at the age of 36.

five years ago when i bought the previous mattress, it was a financially fraught and precarious move, living still with my best friend and our cat, but in a miserably shitty apartment in a place we hated, making barely enough to pay bills each month. five years ago me had a vague, maybe slightly dim hope that someday things could get to the sort of place i'm in now, but she didn't know either.

and neither do you. you have no idea how good your life might be in five, ten, fifteen years. how content you may be, how happy. even if you can't imagine good as a future possibility for you. you don't know.

the only way to know is to stick around and find out.

to take every small comfort, tiny joy, and little contentment in your now as another anchor, to build the life you want, or that's better than the day before, tiny step by tinier piece, every little improvement you can grab onto and keep.

it doesn't just happen. the road to good will contain probably a lot of suck, and even when you reach good, there's no such thing as perfect. you do have to make efforts, and hope for some luck, and accept help from the people who love you.

but the first, most important foundational thing you must do to reach those good days ahead is to stick around and find out.

[dragonflylady77]

Steve's Pick

Billy/Steve | Teen | 1.5k

No Upside Down, First Kiss, Flirty Banter

Square: A2 - Love At First Sight for @billyhargrovebingo

Summary:

Steve heard the bell chime when a customer walked in so he looked up and who the fuck was the sex god who’d just walked into Family Video?

Steve was barely paying attention to whatever Henderson was saying anymore and only barely remembered to warn the kid with a distracted, “Sorry, customer, gotta go,” before he clumsily put the receiver down, his eyes still on the hot stranger. 

Read on Ao3

***

“So you’ll do it?”

Steve sighed, wishing his shift would end already so he could go home and crash, instead of listening to whatever issue Dustin had had with Mike fucking Wheeler. Again. He looked at the clock. Half an hour to go. Wednesday afternoon shifts usually dragged but this one had to be the worst one ever.

“Steve? Are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah, yeah, Dustin, fine, whatever.” He rolled his eyes, never happier that the shop was currently deserted. He guessed that everyone was at the movies, catching the new releases. Lucky them.

“Steeeeeeeve!”

Henderson’s whiny voice pulled him back into the present.

“Oh my god, what? I’m at work, you know that right?”

“I am aware. But I also know there is no one there. It’s Wednesday, Steve. So will you tell Mike you agree we should let Max in the Party?”

Steve heard the bell chime when a customer walked in so he looked up and who the fuck was the sex god who’d just walked into Family Video?

Steve was barely paying attention to whatever Henderson was saying anymore and only barely remembered to warn the kid with a distracted, “Sorry, customer, gotta go,” before he clumsily put the receiver down, his eyes still on the hot stranger. 

He looked like he was around Steve’s age and was wearing the familiar Hawkins Community Pool fire engine red shorts, matched with a black button down with weird flowers that vaguely looked like figs on it. But he’d only buttoned the bottom two buttons and Steve was absolutely failing in his effort to tear his eyes away from the guy’s golden chest.

Steve was so glad it was Robin’s day off and that Keith hadn’t bothered to come in today. He wouldn’t have been able to deal with either of their ridiculing remarks at the amount of unabashed staring he was doing right now.

The most perfect chest Steve had ever seen stopped on the other side of the counter and Steve lifted his eyes to take in the face of an angel. Blue eyes like the ocean he’d only seen on TV, a dusting of freckles over his nose, curls of the lightest brown, almost blond, and a mouth made for kissing. 

Fuck.

“Hey there,” the beautiful stranger said. Goddamn if his voice wasn’t just husky enough to make Steve’s dick stir in his pants from that one word.

“Hi, welcome to Family Video, I’m Steve. What can I do to you, um, I mean, for you?”

Steve felt his cheeks heat up and half expected to get punched for his slip up but the stranger laughed instead—the most enchanting laugh ever heard in Hawkins, Indiana, for sure. Then the man smiled and Steve worried he might just jizz in his pants from it.

“Well, hi, Steve. I’m Billy. I just moved here from California with my sister and her mom and I—”

“Oh god, why?” Steve couldn’t fathom swapping sunny California for Bumfuck, Indiana.

Billy laughed again and Steve fell in love. “Long story… could tell you over a beer sometime when you’re free.”

“I’m free every night,” Steve replied before he could stop the words from escaping his mouth.

Billy grinned and leaned forward on the counter, crossing his arms and making his biceps bulge a bit. Steve wanted to sink his teeth into them.

“Is that so, pretty boy?”

“Uh huh, it gets awful lonely too, just me in that big house, day after day, night after night. I mean, my parents didn’t even bother showing up when I graduated high school last year so yanno, who can say when they’ll come back and thank god they’re happy to keep paying the bills because there’s no way I could afford the bills…” Steve was aware he was word-vomiting but couldn't make himself stop as Billy looked at him with an increasingly amused smile. “And then I’d have to move and like, live under a bridge or something, because there’s no way I’d even be able to afford a tiny trailer at Forest Hills with what Keith pays here and oh my god, I need to shut up, I’m sorry.”

Steve stopped rambling and hid his face in his folded arms, banging his head onto the counter in the process. He’d for sure hear the bell now, as Billy ran away as fast as his feet could carry him… 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Aw, babe, don’t say that, you’re not stupid,” Billy said, his fingers gently tangling into Steve’s hair. “Come on now.”

Steve froze. He’d said that out loud? Shit. And Billy was still there? 

Billy’s hands dropped from his hair as Steve slowly lifted his head to find Billy was now leaning halfway over the counter, his gorgeous face a few inches away. Steve watched, entranced, as Billy swiped his tongue over his bottom lip. He wanted to kiss that boy on the mouth if it was the last thing he did.

“Am I dreaming right now? Did I make you up with my mind? Is that why you’re so perfect?”

“Aw Stevie, I’m flattered but I’m far from perfect, just ask my sister.” “Okay, I will.” Steve paused. “Who’s your sister? What’s her name?\”

Billy grinned. “Max. Small, red head, bit of a bitch.”

“About fifteen, rides a skateboard?” Steve was pretty sure he knew who the girl was, a recent tentative addiction to the Party, much to Mike’s vocal dismay

“You do know her. I don’t know if I should be impressed or creeped out.”

Steve let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Billy, it’s a small town and I work at the only video store.”

“Duly noted. Anyway, Heather at the pool said you were the guy to talk to about where to go for a good time.”

“Heather Holloway? Oh boy. She was definitely pulling your leg.”

“Truly?”

“Yes. Billy, I’m sorry, I have no clue what the cool kids are up to these days.” 

Dammit, now Billy would leave and Steve would never know what it was like to bask in the attention of a god.

“That’s okay,” Billy said, his grin getting wider.

What?

“It is? But a second ago you said—”

“Steve?” Billy asked, moving slightly forward, narrowing the gap between them.

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Steve replied, leaning towards Billy, mesmerised by how his blue eyes now looked nearly black. He smelled so good up close, Steve wanted to wrap himself around him and never let go.

“What time do you get off?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“On you.” Steve couldn’t believe he’d just said that but he wasn’t taking it back. What was that saying his dad kept throwing at him? Fortune favours the bold? Well, Steve was being bold as fuck right now, because he didn’t want the golden stranger—Billy— to leave. He’d seen the light and he wanted to follow Billy, wherever that led.

Billy chuckled. “Smooth.”

Steve shrugged. “They didn’t call me King Steve in high school for nothing.” “I heard they called you that for another reason,” Billy replied with a knowing smirk.

“Ah, that.” Steve felt his cheeks heat up. 

“Yes, that. Any truth in that rumour?” Billy asked, his face now a couple of inches away from Steve’s.

“Would you like to find out?” Steve’s eyes dropped to Billy’s mouth then back to his eyes. He grinned.

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“On you.”

Steve decided he didn’t want to wait any longer to find out what kissing Billy tasted like. He didn’t even look at the clock, Keith would just have to deal. Wednesday nights were dead anyway. “You know, I think my shift just ended.”

“Brilliant,” Billy whispered, his hands cupping Steve’s elbows now. “Isn’t it just?” Steve whispered back, leaning closer.

“Can I kiss you?” Billy asked, his mouth now so close that Steve could feel Billy’s breath on his lips.

“Yes.”

The word was barely out that Billy’s mouth was on his, his tongue eagerly licking into Steve’s mouth. They moved sideways to the end of the counter a foot away, still kissing, then the second they could, their hands were all over the other. Steve buried his fingers in Billy’s golden curls while Billy’s hands went lower, sliding down sides, before grabbing handfuls of his ass and pulling him closer.

Steve moaned out loud when he felt Billy’s dick pressing against his and he wished they were in his bedroom instead of his place of employment.

“Oh my god, Billy! Gross! I leave you alone for two seconds and you’re already sucking face with the first guy you find?”

Billy ended the kiss and moved his hands to Steve’s waist before turning to face his sister. The look on Max’s face went from grossed out to surprised.

“Steve?”

“Hi Max.” Steve waved at her, feeling rather embarrassed at having been caught like that.

“Shitbird, apologise to my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfr—” Max rolled her eyes and stomped her foot. “You’re unbelievable. I bet you didn’t even get the movie Mum wanted.”

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #dragonflylady77 #guin writes harringrove #dfl writes #billy hargrove bingo prompts #billy hargrove bingo

[techmomma]

@empressofthelibrary tagged me!

are you named after anyone?

Nah. Or if I was, I'm not aware. IF I'd been born male I would have been named after my dad! (Gross.)

when was the last time you cried?

not to be depressing on main but um... pretty much any time you see me reblog things about Gaza, it means I've been going through the tag and inevitably cried at least once. :( if you see me post every day, then uh, that's every day that I've probably cried. so um, whenever the last time I posted about Palestine in the past few days is when I last cried.

do you have kids?

oh god no.

what sports do you play/have you played?

my biggest claim to fame was fencing! I still have my sword and mask in some kind of pipe dream that one day I'll be able to afford classes again.

do you use sarcasm?

It's my lifeblood.

what is the first thing you notice about people?

Voices and general silhouettes! I notice lots of weird little details about people and then I can't remember their fucking hair color to save my life.

what is your eye color?

Blue!

scary movies or happy endings?

I love both! But I'm really specific about scary movies, so in general I guess happy endings.

any talents?

I think I am a very good illustrator! And a pretty darn decent writer. I don't think I'm bad at either by any means but I think my strength is definitely in drawing over writing. I am a visual thinker and it shows. If I could draw as fast as I write I'd be so unstoppable.

I am also so so good at excel man I am so fucking good at spreadsheets I can make you a spreadsheet for anything baby.

where were you born?

Cali-forn-ai-ay!

what are your hobbies?

lmao

do you have any pets?

I am @kajeaynart 's godparent to Mikey!

how tall are you?

5'2" on good days.

favorite subject in school?

Always history. Especially world history.

dream job?

drawing and writing all day every day for my friends, for free. a bitch gotta pay the bills though. :(

Thanks for tagging me, Em! <3

[callistosystems]

Severe tooth decay, Call for help.

Over the past several years I've had to deal with steadily worsening tooth decay and tooth damage. I live and grew up in poverty and haven't had dental insurance for as long as I can remember, so I could never afford to get any of the problems fixed and they've piled up to the point where now I have no choice but to go for emergency dental work. The only thing that has stopped me up to this point was that I wasn't in pain. That's changed. Two of my more damaged teeth have become abscessed, and others are at risk. I'll go into more detail below but I would recommend avoiding that segment if you're squeamish about dental issues. I've been prescribed antibiotics and painkillers, and I'm going to have emergency dental work done. I'm looking at at least 3 pulled, more likely 4. I will stress: I DO NOT HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE. I will be forced to take this on as medical debt, while I'm unemployed and between concrete homes. I'm making the decision to ask for help if anyone is able to provide it. I'll be accepting donations to help put a dent in the bill, my paypal email is "[email protected]". Any amount helps, everything I receive will be used exclusively to reduce the bill I'll be forced to pay. If you have the time I would appreciate if you could reblog this to help get the word out. (CW: Tooth decay and Damage described in detail. Don't read past this point if that bothers you.) The full extent of the damage to my teeth is much more severe than a couple of infected ones, but for the most part it can be put off. Right now I'm worried about the ones that have broken or split open deeper than the enamel, exposing the inside of the tooth itself. I have three, possibly four teeth that are damaged to this extent. My upper right canine and upper right back molar are two of them. These two are the infected ones, and the ones causing me pain. My bottom back left molar is split open with half of the cap missing and the inside exposed, this one was broken by my wisdom tooth, both of which have fully grown in. It's probably at the greatest risk of infection out of the rest of my teeth. My upper back left molar is in a similar state, but not as damaged. Aside from those most of my front teeth are severely crooked and many of them have extreme enamel damage, one of them has lost it's entire front facing surface, and the inside of these teeth under the enamel has turned completely black. These will probably all either need to be pulled or require root canals for the ones I intend to keep, but that can wait just a bit longer until I'm in a better living situation. My upper canines, including the infected one, have been shunted up into and are sticking out of the front of my gums. Both are going to wind up being removed eventually, as well as my lower right canine which is severely decayed. My lower left is in decent shape and I'll probably be able to keep it. If there's any doubt or skepticism that this is as bad as it sounds, I would be more than happy to provide images if they're requested of me. I would ask that those stay private, I'm extremely self-conscious about this issue. TL;DR I need thousands of dollars worth of dental surgery. Some of it is severe enough to be threatening to my health or even life and I need help to pay for the medical bills.

#furry #protogen #moth #call for help #signal boost #medical bills #dental health #I don't really know what else to type here.

[cynicalone94]

Leave Me Alone

**Trigger warning for discussion of past child abuse**

Voight scans the crime scene.

The murder of a witness is a big deal and the DA’s office is begging them to figure out who killed him. And fast.

“Halstead, Upton talk to the widow.” he orders. “Burgess, -”

“Sarge.”

He freezes at the quiet interruption from his lead detective, turning to the man with a raised eyebrow.

“I can’t interview her.” Halstead says, staring past him to the woman standing with a pair of patrol officers.

“You wanna tell me why?”

“I can’t..” Halstead shakes his head, a sheen of sweat covering his forehead. “I can’t.”

He turns and races toward the truck. Voight nods for his partner to check on him and then returns his attention to the scene.

After assigning out tasks, he heads over to talk to the widow himself.

Jay Halstead doesn’t scare easily and he wants to know what this woman had done to his kid.

Jay hears Hailey climb up into the passenger seat of the truck as he sits there, staring at the dashboard and trying to will the past to go back to where it belongs.

He’d never expected to see Katie Springer again.

Now he can’t contain the panicked memories of the past, of some of his earliest trauma, faced when he was still too young to have any defenses built up.

“Jay?” Hailey says quietly. “Are you okay.”

He just shakes his head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

No.

“Is there anything that I should tell Voight about her? For the case?”

He shrugs.

The last time he’d even heard her name, he’d been eight years old. He hasn’t exactly kept up on her life.

“Jay? Who is she?”

“Leave me alone.” he begs. “Please. Just leave it alone.”

“Okay.” she says. “What do you need?”

“Can we just… get back to work?” he says after a long moment and she nods.

“I’ll check with Voight and see where he wants us.” she says, brushing her hand over his shoulder.

He flinches away from her and she grits her teeth.

Voight needs to keep her away the grieving widow too.

Complicated as it is by the fact that neither detective on the team will even look at their victim’s widow, they solve the case.

They’re able to tie the man’s death to the man that he’d been scheduled to testify against, making the DA’s office very happy.

The only remaining question is what do they do about Katherine Wellman?

Voight calls Hailey into his office to discuss it.

“He won’t talk to me.” she says, twisting her hands. “Anytime I try to ask him what the deal is he just shuts down, begs me to leave him alone. I don’t like it Voight.”

“I don’t either.” he says, shaking his head. “But he isn’t the only one who knows what happened. And now that the case is closed, I can ask her about it.”

Hailey agrees to the plan and an hour later, they’re sitting in the Wellman living room.

“I wondered how long it would take you to ask me.” Katherine says with a wry smile. “I didn’t recognize him at first. It’s been almost thirty years.”

“You want to tell me what happened?” Voight presses.

“I was a bitch.” she says. “I was fourteen years old and so selfish. So stupid.”

Voight doesn’t say anything.

She is ready to talk and doesn’t need any more prompting.

“Jay was practically a baby when his mom got sick. Just five years old. My mom was friends with Eileen and she knew they needed help. Eileen spent so much time in the hospital and in for treatments. And they couldn’t afford for Patrick to take time off work to stay with the boys or to pay for a sitter. They were drowning in hospital bills. So my mom volunteered me.”

“Without talking to you?” Voight questions.

“I was dating an older guy.” Katherine says. “Mom didn’t like him and wanted me to stay away from him. So I got volunteered to babysit a five and eight year old for free. It wasn’t so bad. I picked the boys up and walked them home from school. Then I did my homework while they played in their rooms, fed them dinner and then got them into bed.”

“When you wanted to be somewhere else?” Hailey asks.

“Yeah.” Katherine agrees. “But that wasn’t the worst of it. Jay… his mom had had to take him with her to one of her appointments because she didn’t have any choice. And he… saw something. I never knew what it was other than that he’d slipped away from the nurse who’d offered to watch him and that he hadn’t stopped crying for days afterward.”

“Babysitting a traumatized little boy is a lot for a fourteen year old.” Voight says.

“Don’t.. pity me.” Katherine says, shaking her head. “I should have told an adult that I was overwhelmed. Instead I… I complained to my boyfriend. I whined endlessly about how hard it was to have him waking up crying every single night. How hard it was for me.”

“And he had a solution?”

“Oscar was a jerk.” Katherine says. “But he was older and he was interested in me and I thought he was hot. When he suggested gagging Jay when I tucked him into bed I told him I wasn’t going to do that. But over the next week or so he kept suggesting it and Jay kept waking up crying. And I was losing hours of sleep every night trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep and I was exhausted so one night I… I tied one of the scarves that his mom kept around the house to cover up the hair loss in his mouth and told him he had to leave it there so he wouldn’t wake Will up anymore.”

“And then you kept doing it?” Hailey asks.

She’s trying hard to keep the sympathetic tone in her voice but it’s obvious that, as the details of what this woman had done to her partner are starting to unfold, anger is beginning to take over.

“Not every night, not at first.” Katherine says. “But once I’d done it once it got easier. And when I didn’t for a few days the lack of sleep would make me cranky, angry. It had been about a week that I hadn’t before the first time that he took it off. I woke up to him crying and I was confused because I knew I’d gagged him and I… when I went into his room he was crying. Said that he didn’t feel well and it had gotten hard to breathe. But I was tired and a selfish bitch so I tied the scarf back in his mouth and used a second one to tie his hands so he couldn’t take it out again. And then I went back to sleep.”

Katherine is crying now but Hailey is having a hard time finding any sympathy for her.

She’d tied up a crying, sick five year old and then left him to face his nightmares alone.

“That went on for a couple of months.” Katherine says. “And then one night Oscar showed up after I put the kids to bed. I thought he wanted to spend some time with me but he was more interested in Jay. And he… he started burning him with a cigar. I begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. I grabbed my phone to call… I don’t know, the police or my mom. That’s when Oscar told me that if I told anyone he would tell them what I’d done. That he’d say that it was me who burned him.”

“So you let him keep doing it.” Voight concludes, face steely.

“Yes.” Katherine admits. “For weeks. He would burn him and cut him and Jay would just cry the whole time. Until… one night he didn’t. He just laid there and didn’t make a sound the entire time. I called the police in the morning.”

“Did they know what you did?” Hailey asks.

“I admitted to everything.” she insists. “I got a deal in exchange for testifying against Oscar. It was expunged after I turned eighteen and there were no other charges but I… I know how badly I screwed up. Pat and Eileen trusted me with the most important things in their lives and I treated one of them with completely unforgivable cruelty.”

“Did you ever do anything to Will?” Voight asks.

“No.” she says. “He… he never cried or even woke up in the night. I don’t think he even knows what I did. I saw him at a church thing a few months later and he asked why I wasn’t watching them anymore. I didn’t even get the chance to answer him before Eileen showed up. And the look she gave me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel more guilty than I did then. Until I saw Jay the other day. Until I realized who he was and why he was looking at me that way.”

Hailey just raises an eyebrow as the woman looks at her.

“I’ll never be able to make up for what I did.” Katherine says. “I was stupid, selfish, immature and I will never forgive myself. I don’t expect you too either. That’s not why I’ve told you about what happened. I know how much seeing me again must have hurt him. He needs someone and you need to know what you’re helping him with.”

Hailey has heard enough.

She doesn’t know if she buys the woman’s remorse but she is right about one thing.

Her partner needs her.

Jay’s been a detective too long to not know the second he opens the door that Hailey knows everything.

“Come in.” he says, stepping back.

Hailey heads for his kitchen, wasting no time arranging their usual glasses of whiskey.

“How much do you know?” he asks, picking up his glass.

“Voight and I talked to Katherine.” Hailey tells him. “She told us everything she did to you and everything she let her boyfriend do to you.”

He nods, taking a gulp of the whiskey.

“I’m sorry, Jay.” she says, using holding her own glass to keep from reaching out for him.

“It was a long time ago.” he says.

“You were five.” Hailey says. “And you trusted her.”

“She was pretty cool.” Jay says, looking up at her. “She used to play with me at church functions when I was like two or three. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom talking to someone and she’d come over and play peek-a-boo. I was pretty excited mom told us that she was going to be watching us.”

Hailey’s stomach clenches. That knowledge only makes things worse.

“I thought she was actually trying to help me at first.” he admits. “I didn’t understand how but I… I thought she was my friend.”

“Why not say something when you realized?” she asks gently.

“Mom and dad needed her.” he says. “They couldn’t afford to pay someone to watch us. I’d heard mom say that Katie was a godsend. I knew that Will was losing sleep. And I heard Katie crying a couple times. I knew how tired she was, how hard my nightmares were on her.”

“You blamed yourself.” Hailey fills in.

“I was enough trouble.” Jay says. “For everyone. I didn’t want to be any more.”

“Oh Jay.” Hailey says, setting down her glass and stepping toward him.

“I know it’s not true now.” he says as she reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder. “But back then it felt like I just needed to shut my mouth.”

With a sob, Hailey pulls her partner into a tight hug.

“I’m not going to insult you by pretending you’re never any trouble.” she whispers. “There isn’t a person alive that doesn’t cause trouble from time to time and we both know that. But you are worth every bit of it, you hear me? You are worth everything.”

He hugs her back, letting his face rest against her shoulder.

#whumptober 2023 #no.17 #leave me alone #Chicago PD #fic #past child abuse tw #Jay Halstead

[timeoverload]

I'm not really having a good day. I spent a lot of it getting lost in my head and thinking about stuff too much. I spent my free time reading about relationships because I don't have anyone I can go to for advice and I have never been in this situation before. The truth hurts and I feel foolish. I don't really want to talk about it at the moment because I don't want anyone to think I'm being annoying or nagging. I just know something is wrong and I'm not ok. Hopefully I will find the words to describe how I'm feeling and what is bothering me without sounding like an asshole. I hope that what I read isn't true and I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I don't want to believe it. I am not trying to worry anyone, I am just concerned about the future.

I also still don't know if I am going to make it to my appointment on the 12th. I don't know if you even care. If I do end up going, it will probably be my last appointment for several months. I don't want to interfere with your summer plans either because I'm sure you already have vacations booked for yourself since I know you do that every year. Unfortunately I can't really afford to keep coming to see you every month. I'm sorry I'm poor.

I'm also pissed that I didn't get a raise this year because I got a letter stating that they did a compensation study and my wage is appropriate based on my years of experience and the current market. I can't even afford my own place so I think it's bullshit. This is the first year I haven't gotten a pay increase. I can't find a job that I am qualified for that will pay me more than I make now.

It is probably going to cost at least $500 to get my car running. I need to pay my bills because I don't want to get sued again. I am going to try to get my neck x-ray on Friday too because I was laying in bed last night using my phone and my arms were tingly and kept going numb. It hurts a lot right now. I wish things would stop getting worse. I am starting to think someone put a curse on me or something because I am incredibly unlucky. Maybe something good will happen to me someday.

I'm extremely stressed but I think I'm going to try to enjoy my night anyway. I am going to bed early. I don't know how much I will be on tumblr this week. I'm not feeling very talkative. I think I need to focus on taking care of myself and making myself happy.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

#personal

[rileygibs]

( young aaron paul, he/him, cismale ) i’m pretty sure i just ran into riley gibson! you know them, they’re the 29 year old mechanic that’s been here for 6 years. they can be pretty laidback, but on the d.l., they’re also flippant. i have their ringtone set as clint eastwood by gorillaz in my cell. next time you’re around the bronx, tell them to give me a call! ( kirby, 24, she/her, cst )

hey y'all, i'm kirby! thanks for joining our little group :') here's my little mid 2000s king

stats!

name: riley glenn gibson

d.o.b.: may 23rd, 1975

hometown: carson city, nv

current residence: brooklyn, nyc

height: 5'8" (5'10" according to him)

sexuality: heterosexual

positive traits: friendly, laidback, talkative, engaged

negative traits: flippant, spineless, dismissive, flaky

family: renee gibson (mother, 48yrs), joshua gibson (son, 5yrs)

about! (neglect tw)

riley was born to single mother renee gibson in carson city, nevada, midway through the 70s. she told him about a million things about his long-lost dad: he was a police officer killed in the line of duty, he was a famous musician that refused to settle down, he was away on a secret mission but he'd be back to meet his son one day. all lies. riley never knew him, and he was pretty sure renee hardly did either. it was just the two of them.

though it began to feel more and more like just him as time went on. renee worked a lot to afford the apartment they lived in, meaning her son was often left to his own devices. there were a lot of peanut butter sandwiches when he was growing up, and even more nights biking around their neighborhood and chatting with anyone he could. his life became a pretty lonely one the older he got, the more he craved any companionship.

school was a very comfortable place for him because of that. his grades were decent, not as good as they could be, but he never flunked a class. even the ones during which he spent more time talking than listening. he liked the company he had with his classmates and even the faculty. throughout his time as a student, he took up just about whatever extra curricular he found even mildly interesting: theater, baseball, student council. whatever kept him out of the house for longer.

after he graduated, riley enrolled in a local community college, not far away from where he grew up. but, now eighteen, renee pushed him to start working and contributing to the household funds. rent, groceries, utility bills. at first he was glad to help out. he lived there too after all. but his small portion grew and grew, until eventually he was paying almost all of their expenses. wherever his mother's paychecks were going was beyond him, because she seemed to stopped contributing altogether. he enjoyed college a lot, even if he was just taking some basic classes, but it got to a point where he couldn't afford it with the money he was making, and he just didn't have time for it with how much he was working. he had to drop out.

by the time he was twenty, riley had enough. he was worn out, he was overworked, and he was trapped in a box that had progressively gotten smaller. he wanted out. so he saved what money he could for a few months, piled into his 1988 ford taurus with a few suitcases and trash bags, and crossed the country to move to new york city. the first year or two was anything but easy. he floated around a lot, relying primarily on the kindness of strangers and cheap hotels, but he got himself an apartment in the bronx.

finding himself a job as a mechanic who knew very, very little about cars initially, riley worked as much as he could to afford to enroll himself back into school. he liked working on cars, and he eventually got half decent at it, but it wasn't what he wanted long term. he wanted to know how businesses worked, understand money a little better, try to give himself a stable future to make up for the unstable past he'd grown up in. it was a hard balance, but a nice one. he was happy.

but his plans got waylaid again. he'd met a girl, and their fling didn't last too terribly long, but the result of it would. they were surprised with a little boy, affectionately called joshua, in october of 1999 he was unexpected in every way but instantly consumed riley's life. once again, he put his education on hold, but with far less hesitation this time. he adored his son with every piece of himself, and his one and only goal was to give him a childhood that he'd envied so greatly when he was younger.

now 29, riley's life is still pretty consumed by his job and his son, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

headcanons + wanted connections!

absolutely 100% has undiagnosed adhd. textbook case of it if i can be honest with you

he lies about his height but it isn't because he has Little Man Syndrome. he just genuinely is convinced he's 5'10". happens to forget every time anyone corrects him

god awful at video games. tries his absolute best but he's been stuck on the same level of sonic adventure 2 for like a year and a half

lives in a little two bedroom apartment in the bronx that he struggles to afford sometimes, but he had to make sure josh had his own room even if they share custody. and yes it's sonic themed

can diagnose your car problems and will try his very best to fix them for free. maybe a part or two would mysteriously go missing from the shop in the process but... hey who's to say haha

slight abandonment issues bc yaknow. he's a clinger

i would l o v e to have his baby mama here! i imagine they coparent well and are friendly, but honestly i'm up for whatever

i'd also love some roomies that he might have had in the past. probably people that were nice enough to let the lil dude crash for extended periods of time when he was new to the city

also some neighbors! he's the kind of guy that wastes his and everyones time making small talk at the mailbox

anything honestly i'm just excited to be here :)

#aughtsintro #neglect tw #sorry this is so long.. and for what

[blackgirlalmighty]

Personal vent post incoming I don’t know how to do a read more on mobile I’m sorry:

I’m so sick of struggling like this. I am so broke all the fucking time and I feel like a failure and a loser and a shitty person bc my younger autistic sibling is my dependent and we’re barely making it. He was denied disability. We have no parents to live with or ask for help. They’re dead. Grandparents are dead too. I work full time and technically ‘make too much’ for food stamps or rent assistance or utility assistance

I can barely focus cause I’m so stressed out all the time. I have no motivation no energy to do anything even things that make me happy. My health is in the shitter and some days (like today) I’m literally shaking from not having enough to eat. I am in fucking eating disorder recovery and I have to lie to my care team about how much I’m eating because the answer isn’t that I’m purposely restricting it’s that I can’t afford groceries for two people every week.

It’s not always this urgently bad. Today I am freaking out because I am super short on rent and we have very very little food in the house and I have no idea what I’m gonna fucking do. I’ve texted a friend and an older brother (who literally just got out of homelessness himself) out of desperation but they’re not getting back to me yet. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Every single plan and plan B and plan C I had in place this entire year to try to carry us through financially either fell through or some bullshit happened that cleaned me out, starting with when we moved and the movers charged me $400 over what they told me initially and put my account negative and started the shitty chain reaction I’ve been fighting off all year. Every 2 weeks my account goes negative before I get my check. Every single month electric company is sending me a disconnect notice that I just barely beg them to let me pay a tiny bit of the balance to last me until the next one.

Finally started getting my feet under me a little in September then my fucking car broke down, $2k repair bill. Over $300 a month to pay that off with no ability to change the amount. That took every single cent of my yearly piddly raise and then some.

Then 2 weeks ago my cat starts pissing blood. Banfield can’t see her so she gets rushed to urgent care vet and thankfully she’s okay now but that was $400. The last of my teeny tiny cushion I had to try to prepare for days like today.

I’ve pulled from my 401k as much as I’m legally able. I’ve borrowed from friends and relatives who barely have anything themselves. My younger sibling had a tiny inheritance from his grandma and that’s almost completely gone now which breaks my fucking heart.

Where do we go from here? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do we just get evicted and try to find a shelter? Do I sell off everything I own? Everyone around me seems to have their shit together and I feel like I’m drowning and drowning and drowning. My mom died and trusted my sibling’s care to me and I feel like I’ve let her down.

#please don’t read this #I just don’t know where else to get this out #personal

[theivorybilledwoodpecker]

As someone who'a paid off a good portion of her student loans, I understand people who already paid off theirs being frustrated. I'm grateful what I have left will be forgiven, but having it forgiven earlier, when I would have had more forgiven, would have really helped. I lived paycheck to paycheck for years, and having the extra money would have meant a lot.

But what I don't understand are people who say, "I paid my loans off on my own, so everyone else should, too."

I am happy that people will get what I didn't. In America, our education system is broken, housing is almost unaffordable, people die because they can't afford basic medical bills, and the government seldom seems to make changes significant enough to fix anything. But this one thing will help countless people. How can anyone begrudge people that?

I know people are saying 10k isn't enough, and I get that, but it's not insignificant either. Others say this will only cause inflation, and maybe they're right, but I'm tired of being told the government can't do a damn thing to help the average citizen because of inflation or money. If people die everyday because they can't afford health care, if most people can barely afford housing, then maybe, just maybe, congress, governors, the president, and all other politicians should tax the rich and take a fucking pay cut before saying they can't afford to do more than lift a finger.

#America #Student loans

[blooming-inthedark]

I’M HAPPY FOR YOU

but. i can’t be 100% present enough to share your joy because i’m... emulous. and please understand, this makes me feel very shitty. i wish this wasn’t my truth.

currently, three of my female friends are very pregnant. all 3 of them are married. all 3 of them are due within the next month.  all 3 of them are having boys, ironically. and all 3 of them are of course very excited about entering motherhood with their bundle of joy, thus, sharing parts of the very happy but sometimes painful and emotional journey with me.  and of course, i am happy to sit by and listen to the emotional vents, the funny food cravings and cry spells, the random information about do’s and don’ts of pregnancy, and buying all the gifts [that i can afford] for the baby showers! what an exciting time in my friends’ lives, and i get a front row - well, maybe a 7th row seat if i’m being realistic (because hey, niggas be busy with work and life) - to all of the action. 

there’s so much excitement that earlier this week, another one of my female friends revealed to me that she just discovered she is 2 months pregnant. surprise! omg! congratulations! yayy!

but i’m not gonna lie. somehow, hearing this additional exciting news sort of punched me in the gut a little bit. because that little asshole critical voice came through loud and clear.

this is your 4th friend to be with child. the other three are married and she’s engaged. oh, and two of your other friends just closed on a new house this month, with their spouse/partner. two of your friends are high earners. one of your friends from high school wrote a movie and just sold it to a popular TV network. your actor friends? they either gave it up in confidence because they found another passion, or they’re getting booked. so... what is it that you’re doing again?

i know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people. and it’s not even that i desire to have a baby, get married, or get a house right now like my friends. those are things that i want in my future, but none of them are really my ‘right now’ goals. the problem is that everyone around me has something in their lives that they can draw joy from, and i no longer have that. 

now, i’m not romanticizing their lives and assuming that because they have babies, high paying jobs and marriages means that everything is perfect for them. i know that this isn’t true for anyone. everyone has to deal with some level of sorrow, disappointment, pain, or general bullshit. but that sorrow, disappointment, pain and general bullshit is maybe underlining or sprinkled into their circumstances. it doesn’t HEADLINE their existence. 

my frustration since i’ve moved to GA has been losing the balance of things i wanna do vs. things i don’t wanna do... things i like vs. things i really dislike... having a community vs. being by myself...

it seems like everything in my daily routine leaves me drained and passionless. my job is remote, so i spend every day waking up, just to go and sit in the living room. all day. my hours are late, so i miss out on the mingling/networking/playtime events for other actors. by the time i’m off work i’m too tired and annoyed to do anything else other than eat and watch something on tv. my best bet for staying active with creative endeavors is paying for classes but my rent has gone up and my pay has remained the same so i can mostly afford a manicure and a scented candle with what i have left over after bills. i’ve tried to find new jobs, specifically something that doesn’t leave me sitting all day and involves more people interaction. but so far i’ve only gotten rejection emails. the only people who have reached out were scams or didn’t pay enough for me to live off of. 

i’ve also been dealing with a phorid fly issue in my apartment during the warm months that the leasing office has done nothing to combat.  they are not like fruit flies and drain flies, hanging out in one area. they are attracted to light and alcohol and other random shit. they dart in and out of my face all day at work and i’ve been miserable. (luckily because the weather is getting cold they are finally slowly going away) i know i won’t be renewing, but because of the rent prices here and my lack of decent pay, i haven’t been able to find another apartment in budget that isn’t in a crime ridden area or infested with bugs. 

i’ve started and stopped trying to form a physical fitness routine. i try to leave the house on weekends just to say i didn’t spend my entire week in my apartment. i facetime one of my friends every day just to have some people interaction. the few friends i have here i’m able to hang with seldomly, but again we’re all adults with lives and it isn’t very often.

maybe i have a warped sense of what life should look like as a single person who has moved away from their entire family and primary community base. maybe i am stubborn and not willing to sacrifice enough to change my circumstances. perhaps i’m right around the corner from that random, unexpected life changing moment that will turn things around. 

all i know is, at this stage in my life, it has been tough to be happy for others without being reminded that there isn’t much happiness in my own life, and how scary it feels to know it has been this way for a while. naturally you figure ‘i’m the common denominator’ so its gotta be something i’m doing wrong. but this only brings more self loathing. 

i really don’t want every post on this blog to be me complaining and being emotional about things that have hurt or disappointed me in my life. but damn. this is how its going and writing it down helps. 

hoping nobody reads this and judges me. knowing that your opinion means nothing. respectfully. :)

#sigh

envy - 7 me - 0

#personal #life #vent #black writer #black woman #woes #sorrows #disappointment #gripe #envy #envious #adulthood #quarter life crisis #existential crisis #black woman writer #journal