#seriously though i know theres a term for it and i think?? it was 'people mirroring' but im not sure

[ihatelifesm]

Can you do platonic harbingers with a reader harbinger that was once cruel, a bit immature, arrogant, and sadistic suddenly become more mature, calculative, has more control of their emotion, and takes things more seriously after being humbled by their many defeats at the hands of the Traveler and her allies? How do the Harbingers Pierro, Dottore, Arlecchino, and LA Signora feel about the reader's drastic change of personality?

(Oo!! Sure I will! You can always request again if you want the rest!!)

Frozen Heart

Pierro

•He was relieved that you finally got your emotions under control but also slightly sad about it

•Before you were always so excited or happy to see him but now you just walk past him with a slight nod and a deep sigh

•When he offers to train you the only word you say is “No” and walk away, harbinger meetings you said nothing

•Pierro saw you as a grandchild and even though him and the others wanted you to get your emotions under control he does miss the spark you had before

Dottore

•Its like he had a weight lift off his shoulders when he saw you change

•Yes you two were on good terms and you helped him with experiments and you related to him and his mindset

•Back in sumeru when he was known as Zandik he gad trouble finding people you related to him and you did fill in that spot

•So if you really think about it he is a little saddened by the fact that you changed yourself for them knowing that other harbingers, the people from sheznaya wont understand his ideas

Arlecchino

•She was a little disappointed that you had to learn the hard way about your emotions but didnt look into it

•Arlecchino did see you as a child either way and seeing you not even say hi to any of the harbingers anymore

“Good afternoon [NAME]”

“Hm”

•she sometimes thinks of the times she was overboard with you when you failed mission like she hasnt either

•Seeing your head down holding your tears as all the harbingers gaze at you harshly all of them yelling at you

•She does think that it was her fault that your spark was tooken away

La Signora

•Again she was relieved that you changed

•She should be happy that you dont act like a stupid little kid anymore

•But she isnt? Why isnt she? She was apart of the ones that WANTED you to change so why isnt she happy?!

•Theres a part of her that was sad when you grew emotionless you reminded her of him (meaning that you made her happy like she was before she joined the harbingers)

•She looks at you during meeting, missions, training, any time she could get she doesnt show her emotions none of them do how could they after they shut out yours?

This is what they wanted, so why are they so saddened by it?

(Fin!! Sorry if i posted a lil late!!!)

#genshin x reader #genshin impact #fatui #fatui x reader #pearlsrequests #genshin pierro #pierro x reader #dottore x reader #dottore #arlecchino x reader #arlecchino #la signora x reader #la signora

[bamsara]

I know I've talked about it before but having another person(s) presant helps my executive dysfunction and deal with the lack of spoons I've got when it comes to getting things done whether thats in the form of a friend on call, in person or live streaming just a little aesthetic stream of me packing envalopes for a few hours because the brain suddenly goes "there is a person i must do tasks i must preform tasks for persons" and it works

no idea what that method is called but its working and appreciated

#executive dysfunction #chronic illness #im setting up right now because its sunday and i want to get as many packages ready to be sent out tomarrow for the drive into town #also i can show people a little moon salt lamp i got for $5 at a yard sale #sara shush #seriously though i know theres a term for it and i think?? it was 'people mirroring' but im not sure

[urostakako]

im not about to be one of those people complaining about the animation of jjk s2 because its absolutely gorgeous??? i do have some thoughts though about certain executive decisions, namely geto and yuki's conversation and how it probably has a part in fan's reactions to yuki's character (im not denying its misogyny, just that it has a part to play)

so here are the manga panels:

the camera angle here shows both of them, from above, from in front, from the side. namely, it looks natural. they are on equal footing.

in the anime, the camera angle is looking up at the both of them from their feet. the music is dramatic in that it builds up, eventually leading to geto's epiphany. now this is perfectly fine in belying geto's inner dilemma, but denies the nature of the conversation which, considering both parties taking part in it, was entirely casual

people focus on how yuki seemed to jump in here to influence geto, except they underestimate a weird girl's excitement for philosophy 💀 shes literally a researcher. why wouldnt she be interested by nuance and different perspectives. as if she knew that geto would go off the rails

in the anime, she seems happy when she says "unfortunately, i'm not crazy enough to do that" because you cant see her face, but in the manga, you can see that shes not taking it very seriously when she says "unfortunately, i ain't that crazy". like. the subs make her dialogue seem weird too. shes literally just making up hypotheticals

i think if they kept this scene casual but gradually built the drama you would have a scene that doesnt manipulate the audience ("what?? ari what do you mean by manipulate the audience??" ill get there), that shows how geto came to his conclusion on his own, and that accurately represents yuki's character. it would only be a start if they had the camera angle in a place that puts them on equal footing. from where it was, it seems as if yuki has more power than she actually does. which she doesnt. in terms of jujutsu society and whatever

shes literally the special grade who "fucks around" overseas. she doesnt give two shits about jujutsu society. the power she has here is her special grade status and her salary and thats it. meanwhile geto is a man, a special grade, and works directly under jujutsu society. he has more influence than she does, realistically speaking, considering i doubt the higher ups would want to listen to her anyway if that kind of situation ever occurred. gojo and geto could command that attention. it wouldnt be so simple for yuki

"but this isn't about yuki's power in general, its about the power her words hold over geto" well i'm saying that she doesnt have any power over him. generally, people are able to manipulate other people because they have power over the other, generally, or because the other perceives this manipulator has power over them. the common argument is that yuki manipulated geto, but she didnt, because she does not have power over him, he knows she doesnt have power over him, and they are on equal footing.

so the decision to have light coming in from the window behind them, and having the camera look up at them is kind of flawed, because youre not accurately representing whats going on here. rather, youre illuminating the perspective of only one party, thus distorting the actual interaction, because what happened in the anime didnt really happen. thats a distorted memory. "omg ari wtf are you talking about youre just saying words now. of course thats what happened"

except theres a different lighting, different tone, different mood because the way this scene was thought out is entirely from geto's perspective. from his perspective it all seems true that yuki "made him" do what he did because of how shes portrayed, but from an outside, objective view, you can see that blame and reasoning gets shifted, as does happen in people's memories. on her end, this was an interesting debate and set of hypotheticals to think about. she didnt have the intent jjk fans think she does. but this part gets distorted when we have the memory of this conversation from geto's view, and how it affected him. i think the way it was executed in the manga, its a little clearer that geto simply took the wrong words to heart, rather than it being yuki having the wrong words to say.

#or i really am just saying words and spouting bullshit. anyway. im a big fan of lighting and camera angles and colors did you know #yuki tsukumo #geto suguru #jjk s2 #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #aricouldyounot

[dnalt-d2]

QSMP 2024 THINGS

OH BOY OH BOY IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN

TIME TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY, HOW I FEEL, AND THINGS I PREDICT

To start off with, I maintain my stance of "Fuck that Rabbit." I never liked the Duck, and this fucking camera-staring-at Rabbit is irritating me even moreso. May he perish in the flames of capitalism that he has created

Also fuck that narrator guy. He has no right sounding so jovial

(And god I can't believe the Duck really never did anything SERIOUSLY FUCK THAT GUY /lh)

Regarding the paywall thing, I kind of like the idea of it in certain increments. I know that Etoiles has been praying to any deity that will listen for the Nether to open, and I'm sure he's happy to know he can pay those deities off now. On the other hand, I've already seen a decent amount of discouragement on the lack of Create. I'm hoping that's the second thing to get unlocked for both Tubbo and AyPierre's sakes

And in terms of the reset itself, I also like the idea of it somewhat. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes likes to start these types of games over for that fun feeling of playing from the ground up. Though maybe the mobs should be a little weaker, since everyone's starting from scratch. Then again, Etoiles has like a million Dark Metal, so

It's also nice seeing the beginning of these communities. Phil becoming Cellbit's temporary neighbor before he begins his nomadic lifestyle. And of course theres the up and coming Home of Fobo where definitely no one is Homophobic

Though speaking of Phil and Cellbit, I also maintain my disappointment in the lack of actual rescue mission. Like I was excited for that. I made a comic about it. And while my disappointment doesn't come from my comic being wrong, it does come from the fact that this was a thing that an ADMIN introduced. RICHAS went to Phil to recruit him for the mission, just for them to just do a little cinematic instead. Like I'm guessing this has to do with the delay in the server opening, since it was originally going to open about a week ago. My guess is that the rescue was going to happen this prior week, but because of the delay in opening the server, they decided to nix the rescue entirely and just have them show up on the opening day instead. It sucks, but I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles

AND NOW PREDICTION THING

So remember how Bagi at one point said that the Admins asked them what structures they'd like to have preserved for NO REASON AT ALL????

And how everyone spawned at about -200000 blocks away??

Well I'm kinda hoping that there's some of the original structures, back near that Zero Coordinate. Or maybe there's something else. Obviously I have no basis for any of that, but I think everyone's gonna be upset if they really lose all their builds. Specifically the Dragon, Titan, and Bad's as-of-yet unused Egg Carton. He labored over that for a while, it would SUCK if it just never got used at all. My other hope is that there's a pay-goal for bringing some structures back. That'd be a neat way to incorporate that feature. Not to mention that people who might've been in the middle of projects can get back to said projects. I think that's the main problem with losing everything, a lot of plans have essentially been destroyed

And now an Analysis

So fun fact, you know how Ducks and Rabbits are both heavily associated with Easter, which celebrates the death and rebirth of a certain person?? And how the server has essentially been reset and reborn??

Yeah that I guess, that's all I've got on that really

All I've got in general really

Here's to 2024, everyone. And the further loss of sanity we and the Islanders shall all endure

yee

#qsmp #qsmp 2024 #qsmp theory #Kind of #Doesn't matter really there's SOME theory in there I think #Do I wanna tag EVERYONE I mentioned? #I mean I could #I dunno I guess I will why not #q!etoiles #q!aypierre #q!pierre #q!phil #q!philza #q!cellbit #qsmp eggs #qsmp richarlyson #q!bagi #Yeah I think that was everyone #Doesn't really matter that much #Farewell~

[natsmagi]

Do you mind explaining the war in great detail for me? It confuses me a lot and I feel like I can never fully understand it

OH MAN. THE ENTIRE WAR ?? IN GREAT DETAIL ???? ME ?????? omg the war has like. So many moving parts and theres so many characters involevd all of which doing what they do for their own unique reasons (which tended to lean selfish) and i am just a mere switchP i do not know the inner-workings of all these guys (plus if i had to sit down and try to psychoanalyze wataru and truly understand what was going on inside that mans head i feel like id evaporate) BUT!!!!! there is actually a section of the enstars wiki COMPLETELY dedicated to the war that you can read! https://ensemble-stars.fandom.com/wiki/The_War

but, to summarize; eichi had always loved idols his whole life and naturally wanted to become one. but when he had enrolled at the esteemed yumenosaki he noticed none of these students took being an idol seriously, which really got to him as eichi could die at any moment, and now he sees no one taking what he had always dreamed of seriously? so he crafted a plan with the help of keito (who has ties to the student council) and tsumugi (who is on good terms with practically everyone) to make the students feel like they could be the heroes rising from the ashes by "defeating the villain" that put yumenosaki in such disarray (even though this was of their own making). And who would be more suitable to play the antagonist against people who are selfish and lazy and dont care to put in effort themselves? why, the newly established Five Eccentrics formed completely against the members will of course! the five eccentrics who are naturally gifted and perfect in every way, unlike the other students who have now become "the underdog." and, since eichi is aware of how lazy these students are, he created a protagonist, Fine, to defeat the five eccentrics. fine was meant to represent the underdogs, hence why eichi made tsumugi officially considered the unit leader since he was the only one who was actually fitting of the title "underdog who came from nothing," and could thus set a greater example than the likes of eichi or hiyori who were born into wealth

the war was eichis meticulous plan to basically save the idol industry? or at least yumenosakis reputation, and eichi needed this done FAST because again; he could die at any minute, and he NEEDED to see it out til the end. and because he needed this plan executed in such a short amount of time he didnt care about spilling blood, ruining relationships, or making himself the villain in the end. eichi is a very self-loathing person, and during the war he had failed to realize that some people might actually genuinely like him as a friend. that part would lead to eichi unintentionally hurting those he held close too such as tsumugi, but his plan also ended up hurting the likes of leo, who he never even wanted to be part of the war to begin with because itd feel like kicking a lost puppy. only for the war to then affect leo probably the greatest of them all, as the events of Checkmate made him a depressed shut-in for half a year or so. once the war was over, the regret eichi felt was so great he didnt think he deserved to live, only for wataru to then show himself to eichi and express a desire for them to join forces and plan a second revolution, where they will be the villains and "defeated" by the shining new idols who will set a better example than they ever couldve

#SORRY IF THIS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE #SHITS SO FUCKIGN COMPLICATED BUT LIKE #I HOPE THIS HELPS ?? MAYBE ???? A LITTLE ???????? #the war is such a good character study #i should reread the reminiscence stories #if i get shit wrong dont be mad at me pls its been like a year or two since i read all these stories #ask

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

I keep wanting to write stuff with Arjuna but I'm always afraid I'll mess him up, do you ever worry about like, flanderized him in your art?

honestly, i do worry.

i know ive seen a few people complain in generic terms about not liking how people depict him here, saying it feels ooc and i can never tell if that includes my comics-although i'm sure it doesnt help i do a lot of humorous, lighthearted stuff that's meant to be read as a parody or comedic sketch rather than a 'this is definitely meant to be read as a canon take on the character'

its one of the downsides of making jokes, you can't always properly make it clear that it isnt meant to be taken seriously, especially if you also make serious work or you have a more tongue in cheek sense of humor. in my case i do try to keep in in the realm of what feels closer to the character by saying refreshed on how he talks and acts by rereading his diagloue now and then, and looking at how other people write him. i dont think theres an easy answer to this though- sometimes you just have to take the plunge and hope that it turns out ok

#despite the complaints ive seen ive yet to get any actual messages TO me so :shrug: #in the wise words of orion: hes the kind of guy who seems serious and upstanding but will pour gas on a situation #and the worst (best) part is he doesnt even realize hes doing it lol #my asks

[queercripintersex]

On intersex questioning

I recently put up a poll asking people what motivated them to question if they were intersex. Partly to know how "typical" I am. But also because I'm curious if people who are currently questioning their intersex status are noticeably different from those of us who already identify as intersex.

And I gotta say, the spread of responses look pretty similar!

Most of the asks I see on tumblr tend to be framed in medical terms. Personally, I was motivated more by social/psychological reasons (figuring out who I am and wanting to not feel like a lone freak). Turns out people like me are in the minority but we're hardly alone.

I honestly wonder how much of the medical asks are really about other things like belonging or gender but those reasons don't seem "valid" enough.

I wanna share the replies and reblogs because I would have found them useful to read back when I was questioning if I was intersex. I have lightly edited them for readability (if you wrote one and want to be quoted by username DM me!) To see the original comments go to the original post. Replies from intersex people "I went through several years of being confused about how I felt trans fem but also was afab. The day I was diagnosed with PCOS I searched it in Tumblr and found out it fell under the intersex umbrella and I accepted that identity for myself immediately. Intersex was never a question for me, it was the answer I had been looking for." "Multiple of the above! Mislabeled trauma and ignored medical issues made more sense after finding out, and a more general discomfort with how I look lessened after finding out, oh i look like this because of that and i look like that down there because of what they did to me"

"wanted to figure out both medical and gender stuff but medical was more pressing so i picked that one"

"never thought of myself as intersex until PCOS fucked my whole hormone cycle up. Now it feels weird not to say im intersex"

"medical issues and gender stuff i guess. I had stuff like slightly too early and too intense puberty and i was like. There is no way that this is normal theres gotta be something to explain this. And then after some time i found out there are hormonal intersex variations that do that stuff. Now to just get myself to accept that im still intersex on hrt 🙃"

"It was very complicated for me because for years I had a feeling that Something wasn't right. And I didn't technically have a period of questioning but I always did feel weird calling myself perisex bc I just felt Something was wrong. And then. Almost 2 years ago now. I was told by my parents that I had my chromosomes tested as a toddler. And I had triple X. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal or anything and so just never thought to tell me?. And then I had a brief questioning period on whether that counted as intersex but within a couple of days came to terms w it"

"Picking only one was tricky for me because the medical trauma and the gender stuff have been so deeply linked for me. [...] I didn't really seriously consider [questioning] until my mid-20s once I had access to therapy for the first time in my life ... At first in therapy the issues of medical trauma and of figuring out my gender were treated as though they were parallel issues but the more we explored them the more evident it was they were linked. When I went through hyperandrogen puberty it felt normal and appropriate, and everything my mom and doctors did to force my body into a female presentation was both traumatic and a source of gender dysphoria. [...] Figuring out I was intersex connected all the dots."

"Other. Wanted to know why people kept being confused by or shocked by my genitals. which honestly answered itself but then i wanted a more in depth medical answer Just In Case (like since i have ovotestis i am at risk of ovarian AND testicular cancer)"

💛💜💛

#intersex #questioning #intersex questioning #for any stats nerds the R^2 on the chart is 0.93 #I didn't want to quote people by username without permission but happy to edit usernames in with permission #I do not actually know the appropriate tumblr etiquette and am just guessing #hope that's okay #intersex polls

[corvicarum]

@paramythas asked: gimme the ship bias for La Creatura (wuya), kayn and che'nya-

technically already answered here. but. some others id like to explore:

ortho ( besties,, lil pranking pals )

jade ( platonic )

malleus ( platonic )

rook ( buggs bunny & elmer fudd fr )

jamil ( one sided crush lets go )

not a ton. im rlly... rlly picky with kayn actually.

gwen/kayn: oh... oh mythe you already know. you've got me rlly in deep on these two okay. i love the aesthetic, i love the dynamic. especially what we have going right now for hearsteel. i definitely wanna dive into main canon at some point too, because i do think kayn would enjoy her personality a lot? idk, people tend to overlook gwen a lot or misunderstand her as a goody feelsy doll. girl legit runs around with a pair of giant scissors and jokes about cutting people into bits. like?

yone/kayn: this isn't even related to heartsteel tbh. i havent dove a TON into yone's lore but i do like the feeling of the pairing. i think kayn just pairs best with characters who are as ruthless as he is. i like them in their heartsteel au too though...

zoe/kayn: if i see anyone shipping these two romantically im going to strangle someone seriously. but these two as friends? oh my GOD fuck me UP! zoe is just a goofy, cosmic little kid- she's deeply terrifying sure, but! i think she could take the edge off for kayn a bit. plus her being the new aspect of twilight? hello?? theres way more chemistry with them as besties- and even found family. you know, instead of shipping kayn romantically with a fucking child. LOL.

chenya is kinda hard to ship with ngl. he's too carefree, too loosy goosy, and really is just out here doin whatever he wants.

idia/chenya: listen. come on. this is... this is a no brainer. seriously though i do love the potential here, and not just because he's a cat. chenya, at least how i write him anyway- is so whimsical and quirky. he isn't necessarily extroverted, but he isn't a big introvert either. like, he is genuinely a cat through and through. not a beast man, not a fae-- something else. i love the idea of idia having sb who doesn't push him to go way outside his comfort zone-- but wont let him just shut himself off from the rest of the world for too long. dunno. at least with my take on him, this one is a fave.

riddle/chenya: so i could really see these two going p much any direction. i love the two of them just... interacting, regardless of the relationship. chenya has known riddle since they were kids. and a bit like trey, i like to think he knows how to push riddle without him blowing up. there is also the added factor that chenya definitely knows at least in some way, what riddle's home life is like. it's the sort of thing that would make their potential bond that much better. i could rlly go in depth on it but then i'd be here making an entire meta on it lmao.

jade/chenya: funny enough. i think jade and chenya might click really well in long term, more than you'd expect. and yeah, i could see this developing from friends, to more given the appropriate amount of time. chenya would be sooo fascinated by how weird and how deeply fucked up jade actually is. and jade likewise would be really intrigued by chenya's strange and uncanny nature... good stuff.

others i've considered but not given a ton of thought to yet:

chenya/floyd

chenya/vil

chenya/trey

#𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂. / out of character #𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓. / kayn #𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓. / wuya #𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓. / chenya

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[raisinchallah]

actually if anyone wants my more real thoughts sort of not joke thoughts on my very real categories of early modern queerbait, queerbait and post queerbait as well as movements within i would define the beginning of early modern queerbait as ranging from sometime in the 70s when fan culture was beginning and early slash fandoms like kirk/spock and starsky and hutch etc and that leading to in 1979 it becoming known enough that kirk/spock was actually addressed in the infamous motion picture novelization footnote which actually at the time inspired a lot of debate in fan spaces u can read some of the letters into various archived zines if it was totally shutting down the k/s fans and something to be mad about or if it was in fact showing support etc and is a complex interaction between fans and the people creating the works and so on and eventually leading into the 90s where fan engagement became even larger and connected with the internet and in general changing tides of television leading to more follow through and serialized elements that inspires greater fan devotion and theorizing leading into like the x files fans coining the term shipping and in general the deft back and forth they managed with constantly playing between hinting at a romance between mulder and scully but also not going too far to annoy people who were staunchly anti romance etc and shows like buffy cultivating a strong gay fan base and shipping culture while also managing to dabble in both actual gay characters and fun gay subtext as well as again creating an absolutely massive fanbase and levels of creator fanbase interaction that reverberate to this day... and then well theres xena :3 pushing the concept of gay subtext to its literal breaking point and pioneering techniques that will be used in future baits while not being bait itself but also the impact of its writers will be felt forever and i think a great example of gay people having fun behind the scenes a secret fuel of iconic queerbait nobody really considers (keep in mind later since one of the lesbian xena writer/producers was also a writer producer on house and some of the most subtext heavy episodes a somewhat inexplicable inclusion in the queerbait canon but fueled by the same great minds behind xena) and well the demarcation of this early modern period into genuine queerbait probably lies around 2008 with the beginnings of many iconic pieces of the queerbait canon but also that we are beginning to approach levels of gay characters on random network tv shows rarely seen before we approach the glee singularity another show of note since fan engagement and taking brittany and santana seriously by fans and the actresses themselves lead like something that was essentially a somewhat homophobic joke become like a serious major part of the show and like the tipping point from subtext to queerbait era i believe is the fact that like standard homophobic jokes stock standard from decades of tv well we were reaching a point of gay characters being more and more common on tv that it creates a situation where perhaps these jokes are no longer diffusing speculation about a characters sexuality but are in fact increasing it... leading to the queerbait era a confluence of increased more immediate fan engagement shipping culture becoming like fairly mainstream to the point it will be referenced in the shows themselves and increasing presence of gay characters across tv so what used to simply be normal subtext or homophobic jokes or in fact gay writers doing things just for funsies all coalesce into queerbait that we know and love its something with ever shifting definitions but has essentially created a canon of shows that define the concept for itself...

and now as we enter the post queerbait era which might begin after the ends of classics of the queerbait shows like supernatural or supergirl ending in 2020 and 2021 respectively though classic queerbait was obviously in decline earlier than that and that the shifting landscape of gay characters makes that special sauce that peaked in like 2012-2015 lose its luster i do believe the first post queerbait show to be riverdale which like intentionally jokingly engaged with the entire concept in a self aware way its not queerbaiting its saving the world wow so true post queerbait can also be active anxiety about being seen as queerbaiting and engaging directly with that in handling of gay characters that it has now entered general public discourse perhaps people have successfully bullied good omens into a gay kiss when it was so clearly designed to slot into the superwholock era but past its peak we shall see where this goes... anyways we shall see what lies in store for this field of study as other scholars devote their minds to this great task

[sadistpet]

(( ok, i saw you post a portrayal meme i think and i just wanted to drop in there for a quick minute and do a thing; I AM SORRY IF THIS MAKES LITTLE SENSE I AM SO SLEEPY

oh my lord, where did you come from? like, you appeared one day and the volgin inside me was like 'AY OOP U WOT' and dont get me wrong i need to get on volgin and let these men make love but shhh enough of that a minnie while i talk some waffle;

firstly, your writing is. MWAH. the goOD CUSH. the best cush even? i've seen you talk of your education and like, in my opinion, it goes beyond that. like, i read your writing and im just- i feel as though i should get a hot cup of cocoa and snug up as if i'm reading a book. you're articulate and your words are beautifully written. im no critic by any means (high school level BAYBEEEE) but i can tell you now that when i read your writing, i'm simply blown away by how incredible it is. you can see the passion in your words, the way you describe things, people, places, etc. it's like seeing someone paint a beautiful picture - but with words! (if that makes sense???)

as for your portrayal; THANK YOU SO MUCH. seriously, thank you for showing us raikov. thank you for giving him more than just 'the pretty boy comic relief lover of big scary man'. you've given him so much more, while staying canon, respecting canon and doing canon justice. i think if kojima saw the way that you write raikov, he would give it his blessing because you truly do such a magical job with the character. i always say to people who are passionate about their characters that i love that, i admire it. it excites me seeing writers clearly in love with what they're writing and i always get that vibe from you. and AND as one side character writer to another, straight up solidarity with you, my friend. keep doing a wonderful job (i know u will).

fINALLY cause i have WAFFLED MASSIVELY, you - are so wonderful. seriously, always supportive, always sweet, always kind. i want to pat your head and show u to everyone like that one will smith meme. you're fab and i am SO so glad that we're moot moots. thank you for being so fabulous, i'd tell you to keep being amazing but i know that you will. <3 ))

OH MY GODDDDDS HAN YOU ARE SO SWEET ( CRUSHES YOU AFFECTIONATELY LIKE WHEN RAIDEN DOES IT WITH A SPINE ) YOU ARE LITERALLY SO SWEET IM THROWING UP SCREAMING CRYING

to answer your question of where i came from i was in fact delivered to this world in a very small little basket with pink bows on it and an atomic bomb in my hands. and i found out about raikov because my beloved showed me mgs2 and he loves raiden ( me too ) and raikov is obviously linked on his page and something about him just made me keep coming back. maybe because i am also blonde haired blue eyed love eating whiny mean and annoying. but something about him i just needed to write. i love love love taking neglected characters and doing a 2000s makeover to make them into an actual Character and he was a perfect candidate !

and then i nailed down this url and i just HAD to make this blog ESPECIALLY WHEN I SAW THAT YOUR BLOG EXISTED. OH MY GOD. i was like no now i need to theres a fucking stellar writer here writing volgin. i need to throw raikov at them with all the strength of a baseball pitcher or whatever theyre called idk baseball terms BUT YOU GET THE PICTURE. part of the reason this blog exists is literally because of yours. SO YOU HAVE YOURSELF TO THANK

YOURE SO SWEET since i developed cfs/me in my mid-late teens ive felt my writing has kinda. gone downhill. so it makes me so happy to hear that people are still enjoying what i'm doing ;o; YOU ARE SO SWEET I AM SO GLAD I DIDNT LET THE AVPD WIN AND STOP ME FROM MAKING THIS BLOG CAUSE AUGH. AUGH. everyone intimidated me so much but youre all so so sweet and nice to me i fucking baheem sob sob THANK U SO MUCH. GRABS YOU

#SCREAMS ALL THE TIME FOREVER. SCREAMS. FROWS UP #SAVE #g: ¦ ❝ ooc. ❞ #g: ¦ ❝ answered. ❞

[sweetmoogirl]

I'm curious as to the psychology of your kink. For someone so young, it seems like a pretty full on and specific kink. I am wondering firstly, what is the connect between fantasy and reality, if any, are you just engaging in fantasy purely for horny reasons? Does your fantasy and kink ever enter your reality and if so to what extent? Secondly, how did this kink begin for you - were you traumatised, did you simply explore the internet until stumbling across something that you explored further because of the sexual excitement it gave you, do you have mental illness or are you a fully functioning person? I think there's a lot to learn from you so please, the more detail and clarity, the better.

im pretty flattered that you seem to think im so interesting lolol

i dont know which kink youre specifically talking about though since a lot of my kinks can fall under this line of questioning. ill answer this for the three "worst" kinks i have: detrans/misgendering, cnc, and misogyny. if its not one of these three then lmk and ill answer again.

for detrans/misgendering, it really not that specific tbh. theres a lot of trans people who have a kink like this or similar to this. (forced) feminization is also very common, especially in masculine spaces. theres absolutely a psychological aspect to this, as well as a societal one. trans people are oppressed and often discriminated against in many ways, including being misgendered. this kink allows for a SAFE and CONSENTUAL space for someone to cope through their traumas in a healthy way.

theres also a VERY strict gender binary often forced on trans people by cis people, and sometimes others in our own community, that force a lot of us into a box. if you dont keep your hair short, wear boy clothing, like masc hobbies, and transition medically then youre not a real trans man. if you dont do makeup and wear dresses with long hair, tuck, get surgery or use padding for breasts, or act feminine then youre not a real trans woman. if youre too masc or fem or you dont fit into nonbinary stereotypes then you must be lying.

this kink is a very easy way to explore masculine and feminine sides to ourselves as trans people that we wouldnt be able to irl because of these harsh gender roles that we HAVE to adhere to otherwise no one takes us seriously (obviously trans people are valid NO MATTER HOW THEY PRESENT OR CHOOSE TO DO but this is a very common mindset we have to deal with).

i got into this kink bc my gender dysphoria is awful. its made me miserable for most of my life and it, alongside my adhd and possible autism, is why i struggle so much with depression and anxiety. im always worried about how ill be seen, if ill pass as male, and remembering my own body makes me sick. i started joking over half a year ago, saying "well i cant get dysphoric if i pavlov myself into getting horny everytime i get misgendered. haha checkmate t3rfs!!!" and then it became less of a joke.

i wrote stories of trans men exploring this kink in my writing and it really helped. im still dysphoric. i may joke about how this kink is the way to cure gender dysphoria but thats not how it actually works. i still have days where my body is unbearable and the thought of being feminized makes me want to hide away forever. but it genuinely did help to break out of those boxes i put myself in and play in a safe space with terms and mentalities regarding my gender.

in terms of fantasy and reality, this is purely fantasy for me. i have no desires to detransition, nor do i have any want to be misgendered outside of horny purposes. i am a man, i will always be a man, and thats not going to change just because tumblr user xyz called me babygirl. im almost a year on testosterone and im considering getting top surgery as we speak. this kink doesnt affect me on any other level than horny.

for cnc/noncon, this one is probably a bit more in depth. i dont have any specific trauma in this field. ive been touched inappropriately against my consent a handful of times (as in someone touched my chest or my hips) but nothing that spawned this kink.

however, there are studies that show that a LOT (as in over half) of afabs get fantasies regarding cnc and non consensual situations. this DOES NOT mean that they want to taken advantage of. for the most part, this kink derives from the idea of being wanted so badly by someone that they would take you no matter what. its also the idea of POWER PLAY, of being helpless and not having to make any sexual decisions.

theres also a lot of trauma involved and, as stated before, kink is a SAFE and HEALTHY place to cope with that trauma as long as safe words, aftercare, and proper communication is enforced. there are many people who like being in a cnc scene and knowing that, unlike their trauma, they now have CONTROL over the situation and can stop it whenever they want and have their wishes be RESPECTED. in this area, i am the wrong person to ask so i implore you to do more research on your own with this topic if youre truly curious.

for ME personally, i like noncon/cnc bc of that power dynamic. i am a submissive who could NEVER dom in any sense of the word. i like being completely submissive and i like having my dom take control and do anything and everything for me. i dont want to make decisions and i like being overpowered and taken care of. its just hot to be forced to do something, whether that be manhandled into the next room or be good.

this is a fantasy that ive had for years, even when i was a kid. i dont know WHY that is, but i do know that a lot of my friends who have childhood related trauma also had fantasies like that as a kid. i also discovered hardcore porn and noncon scenes when i was WAY too young to even know what sex was and im sure that exposure affected me in an unhealthy way too. again, id implore you to look for educational resources on the nature of forceful and violent fantasies, both sexual and not. its a fascinating subject and bdsm and kink psychology and etiquette has been a fixation of mine for years.

and it is just that, a fantasy. in real life, i am extremely sex repulsed and borderline identify as asexual because i dont want to do anything like that with anyone. im also, as mentioned before, extremely anxious and socially awkward so i dont like being near people at all. the idea of anyone hitting on me or not respecting my boundaries makes me feel ill, even if its hot while im horny.

for misogyny, ill keep it short bc its related to everything above. basically combine my reasoning for cnc and detrans and youd get my reason for this. its basically me, as a trans person, going from one extreme of being so masculine it was toxic and exploring the other extreme. its once again just me exploring a taboo subject in a safe and consensual space.

misogyny kink is rooted in strict female gender roles, as well as the forcefulness and disrespect you get from cnc. thats why its my favorite kink, it combines everything i like but specifically utilizes WHY i like those things. i discovered it when i made my first detrans/misgendering tumblr account and made a side account dedicated to it, and then when i made this account i just combined the two.

i grew up super fucking feminist and i still am a major feminist who is all about supporting women and their choices. i love women and think theyre cool as hell and much, much stronger than i am lolol. this is just a fantasy for me, nothing more. this is another kink that is heavy on the dom/sub dynamics, as well as giving people who experience trauma at the face of their oppression a place to take back those experiences.

anyways thats my super long post!!! tysm for asking, anon, i love answering questions. if you have any further questions then you can shoot me some more anons or you can message me directly, i dont mind :D

i hope i answered your question and it all made sense!!!!

#asks #im not gonna proofread this though so im sorry if theres anything fucked up #its 3 am for me lolol

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

#ultra long post talking abt me and my new goals since starting medication #you can also read this as me moaning about being single but. shut up.

[lumikore]

mistah demo main... please tell me some tips. i have like 30 hours on tf2 and i suck so royally its embarrassing when i pull up as demo with 2 kills and 12 deaths. i love playing him because i feel like i could cause sm damage but idk 😭 why do his stickies take SO long to detonate

ohhhh my god you have just opened the floodgates. i am gonna tell you so much information about playing demo its not even funny. infodump of the century incoming.

first of all don't worry if you suck!! demo is probably one of the hardest classes in the game to pick up, but also arguably the most powerful in terms of explosive damage output. you are 100% correct that you could cause some damage with demo.. to be exact a LOT of damage. but he does take time to master!

i feel like a lot of demo mains start out mostly sticky spamming, but i started out mostly using my primary, and then i stopped using stickies altogether for a while and started using the sticky jumper (still my favourite movement tool in the game tbh).

but ive started using the sticky launchers again and they are definitely a VERY powerful source of explosive damage output, pretty much like another primary weapon. also, feel like i should mention this early on.. you can charge stickies!! by holding down mouse1 instead of clicking to fire, you can make the stickies go way further and travel much quicker. a lot of really experienced demo mains even don't know this which i think is kind of crazy.. anyway..!!

if you find the stickies take too long to detonate, and your enemies have run away by the time they do, i'd suggest changing where you place your stickies. it's tempting to just aim them straight at the enemies' feet, but unless theyre standing on a control point or payload cart they generally wont make an effort to stay there lol.

instead predict where they're going to run and put stickies there.. that could be kind of convoluted but hear me out. if they're chasing you then place the stickies at your own feet. orr if they're running away put stickies ahead of them!! or place stickies around a corner so they don't see them at first.. you'd be surprised at the amount of people who will just walk into a bunch of stickies! also, you can tell when they are ready to detonate because they will flash twice, but you probably already knew that lol.

stickies are also a great area denial tool, meaning you don't even need to detonate them for them to be effective. for example, if you're on payload defense, and you place stickies on the cart while theres no one on it, that will discourage most classes from even getting near it. and if they do, well, kablooey!

if you really need to sticky spam straight at people then use the quickiebomb launcher. it only has 4 bombs per clip and does slightly less damage, but you can get them out and detonate them a lot faster. but really i think you should master the stock weapons before starting to use unlocks!!

even though stickybombs are a really powerful tool you shouldn't forget about the grenade launcher either. it is a bit harder to aim but its really useful when you run out of stickies since stickies take soooo unbearably long to reload... like what is this, reload simulator 2007.. no thanks..!!

theres no tip i can give you that will immediately make you a god at landing direct pipes unfortunately.. what i suggest for getting better with the grenade launcher is to open up a tr_walkway server with some bots (there are tutorials on youtube on how to do this) and practice blowing them up!! i seriously do this for hours on end sometimes its honestly therapeutic. AND it improves your aim. win-win!!

anyways wow.. oh my goodness i wrote a lot. this is basically just general advice that i give to everyone about playing demo but if you have any specific questions don't be afraid to ask :D i love infodumping about my favourite games lol

#tf2 #tf2 demoman #tf2 demo #team fortress 2 #demoman tf2

[trickstarbrave]

Asfkghjkl please please give the deets on Baldur (only if you wanna)

uhmmm sure i can hopefully it will be what u want

>uses he/him pronouns and mostly masculine terms so i guess i'd put him closer to the boy side of nb?? gender is hard i think if you asked him he'd say "i'm a guy??? i think??? i guess???? something like that. definitely not a woman"

>uses primarily one handed weapons. knows a bit of archery and also good with a shield. id apologize for giving so many of my skyrim ocs archery if archery wasnt such a useful fucking skill

>for his bg i didn't actually think it thru LMAO he is just on the streets most of his childhood so he learned to steal. this gets ppl to treat him like shit from an early age bc no one wants a scrappy thief running around your home or business potentially stealing from you

>very good looking. other characters are transphobic abt his appearance now but fuck them i love my pretty boys and will make pretty boy ocs until i die probably.

>has faced a lot of SA both pre and post transition and is pretty traumatized and thats mentioned a lot in the story early on esp disassociation from trauma so it might be triggering. i self projected a Little too hard. he learns to fight to defend himself and refuses to die

>obv not every single character was a horrible transphobe but baldur also like to keep to himself due to being burned before and theres also a lot of casual transphobia. he's a smaller guy rather than the typical buff nord warrior (a significant portion of that comes from malnutrition growing up though)

>he makes it all the way to sovngarde actually despite how frankly ill prepared he was

>like i need to stress even with the "blades" backing him and him doing active recruitment for them and getting them to higher numbers than the game allows (for more realism) he isn't taken seriously by most people and was super unprepared. they sent him to get the dragon stone and fight the dragon at the tower bc they were kinda just hoping he'd die. even the blades didn't rly take him seriously except for delphine and esbern and delphine wasn't happy this was their 'hero'. he was kinda scrawny due to not eating properly and not trained well enough. despite this he was a pretty terrifying warrior

>alduin acknowledges this and thinks if he treats THIS dragonborn like a dragon he shouldnt get a miraak situation this time. he gave miraak too much freedom as a priest as far as he is concerned. keep the dragonborn on a tight leash with proper discipline and rewards and he'll hopefully have a good champion on his hands instead.

>i made up some shit for this fic exclusively that is probably not lore friendly. which is dragon's CAN just make oaths they take seriously, but also alduin knows how to etch that oath onto their souls and claim them as his own. breaking the oath can have some dire consequences, but as a benefit you can get stronger and also be brought back from the dead by alduin because alduin is eternal and can't ever really die without seriously destroying time as we know it. normally its uncomfortable and dragons just put up with it but uhhhh baldur likes it a little Too Much

>did i mention this fic gets pretty bdsm? it kinda does. we have soul branding, soul sex i guess???, possessiveness, claiming, probably more im forgetting. alduin learns the joys of a very submissive and compliant sub i guess

>also added is like i said in another ask dragons in this au do just have sex. theyre pretty cautious, prideful creatures though. so usually there is some light combat/wrestling/debating over who is gonna bottom and 'submit'. dragons love dominating after all and who am i to take that from them. they'll do it to blow off steam reinforce hierarchy, for rewards, and also just for fun. dragons don't really need to reproduce and can choose if they get pregnant or not so it serves other functions socially for the most part

>in fact finding two dragons that ACTUALLY reproduce is weirder. they can in this fic but for the most part they don't. having kids with someone requires a level of trust and devotion that dragons seldom like to give up, but it does happen from time to time. those that do are usually mates for life and are pretty exclusive with one another. creation via reproduction is seen as inferior to just shaping the world however you want to (and THAT part is actually lore compliant with tes

>oh yeah and dragons are fucky with gender. they're literally dragons. demi gods to full on gods and cosmic forces of the natural world. what matters is if you're a drake or a jill (god i hate that term but its what we got) and that also informs your duties to time itself. theres drakes that lay eggs and jills with penises. also why dragons vary so much in appearance, they just pick how they wanna look. they don't give a shit. baldur having a vagina absolutely does not phase alduin, nor does his transition--its only right he change his body just as he changes the natural world with his thu'um, its his birthright by akatosh

>i know a lot of the above isnt abt baldur specifically but i hope it can inform you a lot on how his relationship with alduin goes and why it goes that way

>alduin names baldur his champion and doesn't hesitate to start taking care of him. he isn't aware mortals down in skyrim weren't treating him the best yet. he thought they should have been given he is their champion sent by the divines to defeat him according to prophecy yadda yadda so why wouldn't they treat him like a king and outfit him with the best gear they had at their disposal? but baldur well fed, well trained, and geared up is kinda Stupid OP, especially when backed by an army of fire breathing dragons and magic flinging undead. lol. this boy has no problems

>baldur starts conquering cities no problem. the wonders actually being well fed, geared up, and surrounded by colleagues that don't hate you can do

>alduin actually likes having sex with baldur just as much as baldur does with him. alduin theorizes it's because akatosh made baldur for him (to stop him, but same difference in the end), and the dragonborn is the most loyal of his followers so he doesn't really care

>the other dragons get jealous of it though. where is THEIR fun reward. why don't THEY get to fuck the champion. whatever alduin is being nice (by world eater standards) now so they can let it slide

>im actually thinking of alduin having baldur's armor designed after himself. walk up in armor that looks like the scales of akatosh's first born to show how much you belong to him. lol

>does alduin fuck him in a conquered city at one point? i can neither confirm nor deny.

#baldur #alduin #nsfwish??? #yeah i guess it is #my ocs #if theres more questions i can answer but i just dumped a bunch of baldur information in hope it answers the question

[allsadnshit]

hi izzy im 22 and i have a family history of endo and have been experiencing frightening symptoms and i dont really know who else to talk to in this regard and i hope this isnt rude to send. i am just curious how u went about getting ur diagnosis and what u think are some good first steps for someone experiencing these things. my mom spent a lot of time on a lot of endless painkillers as i was growing up. and im very afraid of reproductive care bc of how archaic it is! love you thank you <3 theres no need to answer if u feel this is too invasive, i appreciate ur time

It's honestly a head start that you already know you have a family history of endo! Although diagnosis is still difficult to get considering surgery is the only official way to get one...you're honestly much more likely to be recommended a surgeon etc if you have your families medical records with it! So that's really good!

Unfortunately I will say for myself and the people I know personally with endo, getting excision surgery wasn't a relief for symptoms as it has often been advertised for some people, so in terms of pain management I don't want to be getting more surgeries myself so I wouldn't tell anyone else too either! That's a pretty personal choice considering risks and recovery, so you will have to think on that pretty seriously if you think excision could help you and make sure you are looking into what the hospitals near you offer.

For myself, diagnosis was really important since I don't have my moms medical records to assist me with understanding my health. I don't think I could be where I am at recovery, management, or socially without having the official diagnosis from laparoscopy so that was really important to me, even though diagnosis didn't do anything for me in terms in qualifying for disability or anything like that! Unfortunately with the medical system you need that paper trail if you plan to do anything in the hospital system in the future, so I am ultimately glad I got my diagnosis even though it hasn't changed things for me in terms of lifestyle or pain.

If you want to start with an obgyn, that's what most people do! And they probably won't let you talk to a specialist before you rule out the basics with getting scans and blood tests first to confirm they can't more easily see why you are in so much pain. But even if your obgyn doesn't help you, you can at least search for a surgeon after that initial intake process being able to say "I already had tests and scans done, it was inconclusive, so I need to move towards surgery for diagnosis".

Obviously I won't have a solution or answer for the broader scope of what to do because even if you do have endo, it's dynamic and can affect people so differently that it really isn't a one size fits all. If anything, I really really do NOT recommend going on any form of hormone or birth control for pain management no matter how hard it's pushed on you. I really don't believe in that method and it's another way to cover up symptoms rather than getting to the root of healing or understanding.

The biggest changes for me have come with lifestyle: changing my diet to healthier less processed options which means not eating out 90% of the time and cooking with really good quality ingredients, getting a nutritionalist who's worked with endo before, cutting back on manual labor working hours, and processing the trauma of chronic illness in therapy and pin pointing places in my life that need my attention or serious over haul for me to rebalance my stress. Stress and endo are soooo tied together because it's hormone effected so it absolutely cannot be overlooked.

Sorry to hear you are suffering in this way! I no longer take any pain medication because of a similar fear. I recommend tiger balm muscle rub lotion on your lower back, getsomedays cramp cream on your front, and a hot rice heating pad on top for pain relief + drink water + sleep well at all costs. It's a marathon not a race!