#second being later that night.

[creatively-cosmic]

POSTGAME

Red has won the championship. A prequel of sorts to the greater story of Missing Numbers. Told from Blue's POV.

CW: Suicidal ideation.

-

Before he got any closer, I made a grand effort to compose myself, puffing my chest out and shutting my eyes in what I hoped looked like a cocky expression, rather than me holding back tears.

“Well, I THOUGHT I hadn’t made any mistakes raising my Pokemon. But darn, I guess you’re the new Pokemon League Champion…”

I sneered at him, “Although I don’t like to admit it.”

I stuck my hand out, offering a shake as if to officiate yep, you did it, you’re better than me, good job in the way that I’d seen grown-ups do on TV. He just stared at it, still looking like someone had died, not like he’d just done the greatest achievement any Pokemon trainer could ever hope to do?

What an idiot. I couldn’t understand why he cared so much. It wasn’t like HE was hurt by any of this. He should be ECSTATIC. 

He opened his mouth, as if somehow this warranted him using his words. Before he could, though…

The door opened behind him.

If my stomach had already dropped, well. Now it was digging itself a grave.

#missing numbers #writing #as of finishing this we don't yet have ao3 but this will be put up there once we have it and its ready #for the meantime i really wanted to put this up #just a wholesome story about the aftermath of the championship battle. #about two kids who clearly love each other preparing for their future #about making an unbreakable promise #about young. unconditional love. #about unforgettable memories. #pokemon #trainer red #red tajiri #blue oak #theres two 'chapters' to this- first being immediately after red wins #second being later that night. #i hope you guys enjoyyyy ♡

[prototypelq]

The Most Unreliable Narrator I Have Ever Seen

soooooo I had a Cyberpunk-obsessed phase pass recently, and this time Johhny Silverhand's character caught my eye. His story, more specifically, and how... inconsistent he seems, depending on each source.

In the game, Johhny acts like a bastard for most of the game. He panic-rages on his first meeting with V, throws many threats around, but is later beaten into the background with the blocker pills Misty gave to V. Even Johnny's friends' are well, they react Loudly to his return. Y'know, make it known his presence alone provokes a lot of anger from them.

Even during his first appearance, when V gets thrown into Silverhand's memories of his SAMURAI concert, the only real thing V recalls is the all-consuming rage that he felt, which he tried to shout out through the microphone, but it never felt like enough.

And doesn't this sound weird then, that the only thing Johnny does throughout the game after that first meeting is help V out? He learns about the Smasher guy hideout at the docks (he does that through dubious means but that's Johnny for you), he helps V out when the seizures become worse, he calmly agrees to Any decision V makes, despite V clearly Not being in any real state to oppose him in the finale of the game, he plans the whole thing with "Alt" so V can get his body back at Johnny's own expense, from the beginning, and he doubles down on that claim at the end of the game.

Do you see the dissonance? The egoist rockerboy that admitted to using his friends to getting what he wants, and the downright self-sacrificing hero and a friend that is Johnny at the end of the game? People change, sure, but this divide is very massive and too sudden, so I wanted to dig into that. And what I've stumbled upon, with the help of canon Cyberpunk materials like the Red sourcebook (or, more specifically, LayedBackGamers' reading of the canon books and his lore videos on different topics), is that

Johhny Silverhand from Cyberpunk 2077 is the Most Unreliable Narrator I've Ever Seen.

Count with me here:

Johhny's personality in general. No matter what your interpretation of him his, it's impossible to ignore that Johhny is very much a people person and he exploits that knowledge and charisma to suit his own goals. If you choose to trust him, then you might have already been played.

2) Johhny has been alone, only his lovely self for 50+ years inside the Arasaka chip. Don't ask me how he is still even remotely sane, I haven't got a clue (hopefully the time as a construct without outside stimulation flies differently and he hasn't felt those 50 years in real time). The thing to mention here, however, is that, being alone with your thoughts and emotions for a long time, having nothing else for entertainment, is a great opportunity to rewrite your own memory of events or emotions you've felt.

3) Lack of a body. The aforementioned constant rage, that was the dominant emotion is Johnny's life (before Alt, at least, if Never Fade Away is anything to go by, and I mean, that's literally a love ballad), is a symptom of his PTSD from his too-young years serving in the corpo war, same as his signature silver hand. I'm not a specialist here, but I do know PTSD, especially for war veterans, is a physiological illness just as much as it is a mental one. Johnny's body literally had trouble living normally after that experience, and knowing this bastard - he never managed to treat that. Existing as a personality construct frees him from the many bonuses of being corporeal, but it also free him from the physiological side of PTSD. His day-to-day existence is fundamentally different from that of the Johnny Silverhand that the world knew 50 years ago, so yes, as a 'time traveler' or a source of information and comparison about the 70's and 20's of cyberpunk world Johhny is not a good source.

4) The chip with Johnny is literary inside the head of another person. The characters in game question, multiple times, just which decisions is V making on his own, and which of them might be Johnny's doing. Not consciously, no, but V and Johnny are clearly not your simple neighbours. They are not your 'close friends that start subconsciously copying each other' too. It is quite possible that the chip with Johhny is adapting to the 'hardware' it is running on, so it is specifically implementing parts of V's personality into Johnny, to minimize the 'friction' between the personality and the body it is supposed to inhabit. Everyone say hi to existential horror)

5) How does Soulkiller ever work? Is there data on how much the resulting engram actually resembles the person it tried to copy? How did the process of copying Johnny go? I can answer the last one - very badly.

Death of Johnny is told in excruciating detail in the Cyberpunk sourcebooks. Johnny died on the floor of Arasaka tower, torn in two by a shotgun blast from Smasher. There is no information on how much time it takes Soulkiller to create the engram from the brain, but it better have finished doing that before Johnny's brain started dying from a lack of blood and oxygen, and he clearly didn't have much time either, considering bisection is not the best for bodily fluid preservation, so it's a wonder the engram even works properly. Plus, during the initial heist to steal the chip with Johnny, the chip was damaged further before the idiots decided to stick an unknown harddrive into their heads to preserve it. Basically, it's nothing short of a miracle, that engram-Johnny is actually a whole damn person, that he can function, think and feel properly (well, as much as Johnny can do those things)

It is very sad that V can't talk to Johnny about this, as the man does blame himself over things he hasn't even done, and he had done enough emotional damage to himself and people around him without that kind of burden on top of it.

6) Johnny's memories are literally false. The attentive reader had to pick this up in my previous point - didn't Johnny die in the hands of Arasaka after they interrogated him? Nope. Nope, and I can say that confidently because,

(drumroll please)

Cyberpunk tabletop sourcebooks! Mike Pondsmith, the creator of the Cyberpunk universe and the TTRP series of games, has worked closely with CDPR writers during the production of the 2077. He oversaw everything, and he says that 2077 is in the same cyberpunk universe too, it's not an 'alternate reality' or anything.

Johnny Silverhand died while trying to buy time for his friends to escape, from a shotgun shot from Adam Smasher. That's it, he died on that floor, there was noone to interrogate, no rooftop helicopter he ran for.

The sequence of 'memories' we see from Johnny's POV in the game is a mishmash of two different assaults on the Arasaka towers, yes towers there were two of them. There is a great video explaining all the small and Major details Johnny's version of events got wrong, because we have the sourcebooks and the text inside. You may accuse me of holding a 'holy canon' argument ... and well, yeah, this is kind of holy knowledge, as it was written for gamemasters.

Still, some of the things in Johnny's version are Major, and while the media certainly covered the whole story extensively with corpo propaganda (oh, btw, Johnny didn't bomb anything, he probably didn't even know there was a nuke involved, he is literally just a scapegoat), there are some holes that a citizen of this world might know and wish to poke. The aforementioned Two Arasaka towers, or the absence of the legendary solo Morgan Blackhand from Johnny's story. Interestingly enough, there is a radiostation of Maximum Mike in-game, who is actually just pretty much Mike Pondsmith, and he does propose a couple of questions the 'official' version of the attack doesn't cover (like, where would a rockerboy even get a nuke, he might have been popular, but that's not just something you find without military contracts, and that means corporations). Another thing is that since Arasaka owns Soulkiller and has had the engram for a couple of decades, it is quite possible they are the ones responsible for messing with Johnny's memories.

So uh, yeah, Johnny is the Most Unrealible Narrator I have ever seen. Johnny of 2077 is most certainly not the Johnny of 2020's, but this might be a good thing. Maybe the 'real' 2020's Silverhand could never have made the progress the engram did, or become such a good friend and companion for V, or maybe he could have done those things too. We'll never know. I really love this story anyway.

#thanks for reading #johnny totally deserves a second chance at life after this why cant he and johnny show alt the finger and delta out of there #so v could live out his days and then johnny would take over #on the other hand johnny is a great example that being an engram is not the end so maybe v could come back in some sort of form later #after giving alt the finger #btw thats not alt either that's probably just an ai that caught little wind of actual alt and just calls itself her #also alt herself might be alive but that story is WEIRD so no idea #cyberpunk lore is great i had an amazing time listening to it and discovering new things #mike pondsmith is also amazing heard a cyberpunk red campaign he mastered and listening to him has been a blast he is a true storyteller #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk red #legends of night city #mike pondsmith #johnny silverhand #phantom liberty #this is the first and last time I praise cdpr after that back to hate for the ps4 version of the game i go #and for refusing to update the game for that platform and for not releasing the dlc for it and for upping the system reqs even higher #ill live to see actual 2077 before I get access to hardware that can run that shit #btw existential horror enjoyers I sure do hope you have heard of SOMA ))) #oh i also dont think johnny was that bad in life either like he was bad but rogue and kerry are clearly happy to have him back so the game #must've shown just a very low time for him he had to be a good friend to earn that kind of loyalty still could behave like a bastard tho

[taikanyohou]

“Would you stop saying that you’ve got nothing left?” VEGAS + PETE + MACAU | KinnPorsche (2022).

#vegaspetemacau #vegaspete #kinnporsche #asianlgbtqdramas #* #faiza gifs #its the way pete is vegas' anchor like. it doesnt matter. pete will continue to remind him of the things that matter the most. #sometimes i feel vegas just gets so overwhelmed by this numbing pain of feeling so useless and powerless #bc without power what is he? even when he was vegas from the minor family ... he was still Someone. #and now he isnt even that anymore #and so there's this hollowness ... and its not something that is gonna go away in one night. #no this still fucks him up and wrecks him even later on down the line #and pete is there in those times telling him what matters the most #and what matters the most is what brings him the most joy and peace and comfort #not a 2 second high/thrill of blowing someone's brains out and being covered in blood #and that he and the people that matter to him - pete and macau - deserve each other's company. they've had to lose so much for it. #and so slowly .... these 2 boys become vegas' reason to carry on. #love feeding love with love. #but at some point. in like. s2. i so badly want to see vegas get those urges. his hand forms a fist just like he's holding a gun in it. #his finger hooked like he's about to pull the trigger #bc he misses that feeling. #bc thats all he's known. #and then after a few deep breaths he relaxes his fist and his fingers. #but at some point i NEED to see vegas breakdown again. telling pete and macau that its not them. #its NOT THEM #its him and these urges dont stop #and theyre hugging each other - all 3 of them - and they ask vegas: what is it you want? what do you want? #and vegas tells them he just wants to feel useful again. #and pete and macau GET what vegas means straight away. they dont even need to ask. #they just look at each other and understand what vegas is saying.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

:-P

#ever feel like this sometimes? feel unhinged? just for a bit? filled with bad thoughts? #and then u cut to me irl and im sitting there. juggling my leg. looking totally normal. looking like i dont wanna start screaming #but like its all good. but also its giving maybe i should stay up all night. bc i got like 8hrs of sleep last night for the 1st time in #like a month. so like im good. but then 2 seconds later im like. no im normal #im so normal. i will go to sleep. i am normal. i am letting my problems blaze out of control bc i cant make my brain deal with thrm but #its ya kno. all good. in a week ill be on vacation #but we up bby! hormonally inflated mood YAYYYYYYYY. keep it up woooooooh #i dont kno how to describe it but its like being propelled from sinking to tilting up and walking on water #me

[heir-of-the-chair]

I DO NOT. HAVE TIME. FOR A NEW HYPERFIXATION. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

#I watched half of nerdy prudes must die with my partner on Wednesday and finished watching it last night and then decided that seeing the #lords in black made me wanna actually watch nightmare time bc I tried when it came out but the format/video quality of the first one made #me never keep watching it but I wasn’t feeling well today so I watched the first episode and then I had rehearsal and watched the second #one after that. help. #time bastard is absolutely horrifying and I love it so much #but also HELP I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS IT’S CONFERENCE SEASON #AKA AT MY SCHOOL WHEN ALL THE BIG PROJECTS CAUSE WE DON’T HAVE TEST FINALS JUST BIG PROJECTS ARE ALMOST DUE I CAN’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW #HELP #hyperfixation #adhd #autism #nightmare time #hatchetfield #starkid #team starkid #<333333 #but also NO PLEASE WHY COULDN’T THIS HAVE JUST HAPPENED THREE WEEKS LATER #being neurodivergent is so funny bc no neurotypical will ever understand the feeling of something making you so happy and being so goddamn #mad that this is happening it’s so funny it’s terrible I hate it help dkdhdgdjdhdg #the heir speaks

[hirookouji]

Aomine and kise are the type of people to end up accidently married in vegas.

oh most definitely!! thinking abt aomine and kise drunkenly getting married in vegas and then posting it to their stories, giving their pr teams simultaneous heart attacks

#knb #aokise #asks #sleepzonesworld #ur mind>>>> #top 3 craziest nights for gom and friends #top 3 nightmare for gom and friends pr teams #'i cant believe u two got MARRIED???' 'well the problem isnt we got married. the problem is we posted it on INSTAGRAM. #which is why we hired u. please help us' #the pr teams advice being 'well u can blame it on being drunk and get a divorce' #and theyre like 'oh no r u kidding we want to keep being married' 'okay than just publicly deny but be together in private' #'idk that feels like a violation of our vows :/' #akashis dissapointed in them bc they didnt have time to properly invite their close friends and make a wedding registry #'u guys couldve gotten so many gifts that help u in building ur future together' 'okay first of all it isnt that serious #second of all we were DRUNK' 'we should plan a wedding reception for u guys later in the summer' 'ohmygod' #maybe its bc its june rn but the thought of them doing this during june is hilarious to me #getting married and accidentally revealing it during pride month and maybe even nba finals #right amount of things to make the internet explode LMAO

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

i feel like being lazy and i wanna doodle one of two specific ships i have in mind, but im indecisive so

posting this before coming home so that i don't loose study time waiting for the poll to end HHH

#rambling #delete later #i would've went with kross doodles at first but then i felt the inexplicable need to draw horror or ink in big comfy sweaters so here i am #:'D i wanna draw sappy cute stuff istg but my exams are quite frankly hellish HHHH i don't wanna lump everything til last second #but alas....being an artist is a double edged sword >:') #oh to live in a secluded place selling handmade objects for a living and coming back home to draw all night....waa the dream >:'Dc #anyways muah muah thank you allso much for your kind words!! i'm too tired to proofread all the tags in my reblogs but i'll post them soon<

[theotherrichardpapen]

david levithan

#like minds #murderous intent #like minds 2006 #nigel colbie #alex forbes #nigel colbie x alex forbes #having a normal one 🤡 idk just something small #i mean as much as i love clowning on the fact that 0.2 seconds after nigel took alex to the room #the most insane batshit stuff ever just came pouring from his mouth. 10/10 on the flirt game #it is kind of sad when you consider the idea that nigel sees himself as having no inherent worth outside of being something to be used #i mean he describes himself as the pike in the dynamic; the implement for killing #the weapon; the tool to be used #the idea that his only purpose is to serve as an instrument for someone else to achieve their destiny ? #and that night in the trainyard where he decides the best thing he can do is die so that jack can be born????? #are you listening greg ??? because this is exactly why it would've been better for the movie to affirm nigel as alex's maraclea #take notes greg okay #because if nigel positions himself in the role of maraclea?? then it all falls into place and now you've got this guy who thinks #that the best thing he can do. that the ONLY thing he can do. the reason he was put there in the first place #is to die and help alex become everything he was born to be #i stand by what i said on the earlier post that the night at the train yard was their consummation ..that the birth 9 months later was jack #beyond telling greg he can pry this idea from my cold hands #if he wants me to admit i'm wrong he can fight me for it in the car park of an aldi #sorry to anyone who followed me after the cannibalism web weave but this is a like minds blog first and foremost

[thecindercrow]

played some Gaiden. It's fun

#it's very pretty #and it's neat to be back to playing kiryu again. he's gotten much sassier #I'm only a bit into the second chapter and the game hasn't really ''opened up'' yet but I think it's going to be pretty fun when it does #also being in ijincho the *night before* ichiban wakes up is tantalizing #[trying to walk toward a particular tent] my boys are in there. let me see my boys #and! the boss and mini-boss fights! have the Judgment mechanic where you can evade and then counter their attack! #I'm delighted. that was always a very fun one #got faked out by the trip to survive though. :( #we'll see if that gets amended later in the game

[whysamwhy123]

Re-watching the one time Ricky and Christian teamed and lamenting about What Could Have Been.

#*wails* WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLL #And remember like a month ago now when it seemed like they were gonna team up again? #Because Ricky came out during the opening promo to side with Christian (the time where Edge was an asshole to him) #And then later in the night he helped Christian retain #Which made it seem like there was gonna be a more longer term alliance there #Between one half of tag champs/one of the biggest stars on Collision and essentially the top heel champ in the company #Which would have made for a potential interesting storyline #But then nothing happened? They never followed up on it and the two of them haven't interacted at all since then? #So Christian got sectioned off in his own storyline with Edge #While Ricky (and Bill) are relegated to being background players in the tag division despite being the champs #Because they have fuck all to do with the faction warfare story going on between FTR/BCC/HoB/LFI #And are probably going to lose their belts at Full Gear making their whole title reign a huge waste of time #Ricky (and Bill) REALLY could have benefitted from a team-up/storyline with Christian #But nope! TK stopped giving a shit about that potentially interesting story the second Bryan Danielson got injured #Because Tony is apparently incapable of caring about a storyline that doesn't revolve around Bryan Danielson or Adam Cole #But hey at least we've got Ric Flair now! 😀 #Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh #I know I'm being a huge bitch here like WAAAAH why didn't the person I like get a fun storyline?? #But...I'm just struggling to find much to like in AEW right now and it's such a drag #I was hyped for Ricky/Christian but I guess I was one of the only ones in that regard #Just my luck LOL The life of a rarepair shipper is pain and suffering

[todayisafridaynight]

reminiscing on the period where i didnt know sawashiro was modeled after ttm and the second i learned and embraced that it 1000% altered the way i drew him These Are Not The Same Bitch

#snap chats #i still remember the day someone inboxed me that fact like ik i mention this story every three seconds but its still so funny #like The Beginning Of The End For Me <- i became somehow even more wacko #thank you for singlehandedly changing the trajectory of films and movies id watch for months anon ill cherish you forever #this post is brought to you by one of my fave artists being like. with whatever jpn knowledge i have to translate. #'if i draw sawashiro as a man in his 50's it wont look like ttm... im glad he's a beautiful girl...' #LIIIIIIIKKKEEE SO TRUE BESTIE.... ttm is the prettiest girl ive ever seen this is true #the cool thing about ttm is that he has incredible range however this does not negate the fact he is Very Pretty #this just a restated version of that post i made the other day LMAO LIKE MECHANICALLY ttm can play sawashiro. very well even #And I Repeat rgg not committing to making 90's sawa look like ttm in his 30's was Majorly To Their Benefit #he can have the voice of a no-bullshit yakuza yet he still has the face of an angel its very funny all things considered #on the real tho its so funny like i only drew sawashiro like. idk five times before actually referencing pics of ttm #yet the difference is like night and day he ACTUALLY looks like a jackass. and much older than 38 BYE #its 1000% the lips. and the doe-like eyes but anyways im sick #i love being seen i love being heard... thank you how_to_open #i should redraw my first sawa drawing... or second.... my first sawa drawing was the one with masato im p sure #the second one's just a headshot so it'd be a better focus on how i draw sawashiro differently.. lol... #its like when rgg recasts a chara and their model just different as hell. amazing. #srry i mention how pretty ttm is eveyr three seconds this isnt healthy and ill stop until im reminded of the fact later on #ok bye i have to take an exam. “”“”“take an exam”“”“”“ all of the answers are on google BYE

[staybeautifulmp3]

↳ casey: why do i have to prove it to him? isaac: because he feels like a consolation prize. casey: he's not.

#does this make sense? i did this in like 20 minutes lol #its about the fact he feels like a consolation prize is like the thesis of their friendship and dannys insecurities! and how that bleeds #into thespis and draft day!! dannys insecurities about being second to casey/in caseys life #anyway. i might redo this later but for now here it is #amanda.doc #amanda.jpg #sports night #amanda.gif

[patrice-bergerons]

Want to write a fic in which Q has a breakdown of a sort and shows up at Bond's door in Jamaica. In years of their acquaintance, he has never asked Bond for anything and Bond owes him this much, he thinks. A break. A break from his life and responsibilities and a chance to collect himself before he becomes a real person again. (That's a decent ex post justification at either rate never mind that in his anguish all he could think to do was to go find Bond.)

And he regrets it immediately the second Bond shows up, tries to leave. But Bond stops him, because he may be too much of a headstrong ass to do anything about it but he has been living in a purgatory of his own making, drifting, and seeing Q here after all these years- it's a reprieve for him as well. Bond knows better than to ask questions too once he ascertains that Q is not there in business.

And the fic is just them spending a week together. A week of sailing and long walks on the beach, lots of sex (naturally), dinners they make followed by drinks in the town. Late night conversations. Do you remember when's. But those carefully steer clear of the old hurts that linger, of the Aston Martin and Madeleine and the zero postcards Bond sent. A question, unvoiced, of what they could have had in a different life. Of regrets that are too late to remedy now.

(OR ARE THEY???)

#00q #fic ideas #i haven't given yall any trademark alex existential longing and loss fics #that should be remedied #also then one night bond wakes up to find q finishing packing #and q says there was no need to drag out the goodbye #this was always meant to be a brief interlude. thank you for being such a generous host. #bc you know bond will never come back to london and q can hardly leave his life behind #and he leaves with a promise he doesn't think they will keep for a second to stay in touch #and it seems as if all hope is lost #until a couple of days later bond shows up at HIS door this time #god- looking actually scared but a bit hopeful too #and says i can't change the past and you have every right to tell me to fuck off #and i will never bother you again #but #I'd love to be a part of your life if you will have me #in everythint that entails #i don't want to waste any more time q #and then q throws his arms around him hehehe

[trashbaget]

#wrote a fucking poem #because a bitch is fucking feeling things #cue venting in the tags because this is where i'm feeling comfortable to do it right now #a while back i caught the love bug for a friend and tbFCKNh it was the very second time i'd ever actually fallen In Love with someone and.. #the first time it didn't end well. long story short: i asked him out and he turned me down but we stayed friends and it actually made us.. #grow closer regardless. a little while later i'd realized my feelings were Different and it just came out one night when we were having a.. #really deep conversation. and i'm glad i told him because it helped me get over him and we got better and things weren't weird at all. we.. #stayed really good fucking friends. now i didn't get to see him for a summer and i definitely don't have feelings for him anymore and i'm.. #sincerely happy for him and his now partner. i consider him (and always have) my best friend. (among others but he's definitely Up There.. #like no. 2 probably) but way too soon after Talking was summer and we were both farthest from everybody and are both the kind of ppl who.. #pretty much don't text anyone except like 2 ppl and we are not one of each's 2. today i got to see him and a bunch of our friends for the.. #first time since fucking april and god have i missed them all. but seeing him again kinda fucked me up a second. threw me for a massive loop #i got Weird (neg) and i was NERVOUS as HELL at the start and for a few minutes i couldn't figure out what it even WAS because i hadn't felt. #that way in a long time. and i am not about to catch those feelings for him again because No. i chilled out after like 3 minutes bc i got.. #reacclimated to being around ppl My Damn Age again and things weren't Weird (neg) anymore. we talked we joked we sincerely said our I Miss.. #Yous and we hung out. with everyone and alone for a bit because ppl had gone out and come back and it was FINE it was NORMAL () and we.. #were GOOD. we ARE good. and i don't love him in that way anymore. i love him as a friend. and that love is definitely more intense than with #other friends because we have a deeper bond and yes because i Loved him. but the fact is i don't and it's ANNOYING to react like i still do. #and getting nervous like i still do. and i kept worrying that something i'd do might make it seem like i do and i don't and just UGH having. #feelings is annoying. i've never been able to stay friends with someone after having feelings for them at all let alone INTENSE IN LOVE FEEL #INGS!! like wtf!!! and this is sincerely one of the best friendships i've ever had and i don't want to and Won't. lose him especially for.. #this but god DAMN am i not having it right now. and my head's been spinning like a fucking tornado in the 5min ride home and i accidentally. #wrote it out in a poem because the words wouldn't go anywhere when i just tried to brain dump about it because Of Course They Did. because i #can't think about this man in anyway except poetically and i can't write a poem unless it's about love in some degree and just UGH love is #and i'm gonna leave it there because i'm running risk of repeatin myself. #if you read all this i positively adore you and also you need to touch some grass bc reading the vents of internet dwellers is for suckers #i am just kidding i really do sincerely appreciate you and love you very very much thank you for caring #please ignore the following organizational tags: #writing #poetry

[punkindness]

long rambling personal about chronic pain under the cut

on thursday's pt session they were having me work with someone different cause my usual was taking time off. he asked if anywhere hurt more during an exercise and i said my knees and he got all serious and had me do a thumb hypermobility stretch and asked if eds runs in my family, if i experience any other joint pain and for how long. i told him 'uh idk' and 'yes all over' and 'as long as i can remember but it's gotten really bad in recent years and i also have nerve pain' and then we just kinda looked at each other. and then he was like '...alright keep going with the exercise, i'm thinking' and at the end when he said goodbye he seemed like sad or guilty and opened the door for me and i didn't realize why at the time because the session had been harder than any of the others but not like insane but OH MY FUCKING GOD has my pain been bad this weekend. it's times like these that i'm glad i live with my family.

and also. i researched eds in more depth and. it's fucking uncanny. how the hell did this not come up when i was researching before because it is like exact and touches on some symptoms i hadn't even considered to be related to my pain. if it's not heds it's probably hsd i guess?? which is

#i was really weirdly happy at first when everything but the skin stuff was accurate to my symptoms #just cause for so long i've thought my pain was all in my head that i was going crazy #after the lower back xray and the arthritis blood tests came back normal i didn't know what else to think #so suddenly being able to find a community of people who are experiencing the same kind of symptoms and pain #and sharing tips for how to get through it? it's so cool! #but that sort of honeymoon phase in regards to it only lasted a day or so because this flare up is fuckin rough #now i'm mostly trying not to be worried about my abormally high heart rate #and trying not to give in to the allure of screens when i inevitably wake up in pain in the middle of the night #(i obviously broke tonight lol) #personal #vent #also the timing of this was insane because i made a friend with eds a few weeks ago and even did a quick google #afterwards cause we are both so similar that maybe our joint pain also has the same cause? #but i didn't even let myself get past the words “hypermobility” before exiting out because i've never considered myself to be flexible #if i had even kept scrolling for 10 more seconds i would have seen the line up of symptoms that almost completely matches mine lol #sorry for the rambling prolly gonna delete later im just tired and cant stop thinking about it cause yknow #pain

[eggy-tea]

Look. I know that most people don’t actually live in the woods surrounded by trees. So they have no way of knowing what it’s really like.

But. If you’re dreaming of living in the woods surrounded by trees, you have really got to learn to make peace with The Bugs.

#i don’t mean ‘oh there are a few mosquitoes sometimes and they’re so annoying’ #or ‘yeah we get fruit flies in the summer what can you do’ #or the usual handful of hardy city-dwelling nuisance pests #i mean: you’re sitting on your deck and there’s a vague fuzzy cloud hovering a dozen feet away and it’s just a swarm of insects #it’s fine they’re over there doing their thing #i mean: brush the spiders off your deck chair before you sit down ‘cause it’s your turn now; they can come back later if they really want #i mean: never turn the front light on in the summer despite how dark it is at night #because the second you open that door a few dozen flying insects *will* see it as an invitation #it is worth it. absolutely. but if you can’t handle that level of bugs you should probably start romanticizing being surrounded by fields #(still buggy. but. so much less)