#sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Shoutout to all the hosts who thought arguing with the guys in your head was a normal way of “thinking about things” 😭

#actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #sbc system tag: kash ❤️‍🔥 #I didn’t understand how anyone could easily make decisions #don’t you need the jury in your head to all agree???

[osddid-i-do-that]

Things from Before the OSDDID Realization that now make heaps of sense:

Taking personality tests multiple times because even when I answered them completely honest they’d always come out different

Orientation impossible to pin down (simultaneously aroace/pansexual/lesbian/gay trans guy/queer fucking mess)

Same with gender

Conflicting opinions that somehow exist at once (I love weed/I fucking HATE all drugs and don’t want to be anywhere near them)

Frantic desire to run home and change into something totally different out of nowhere because the clothes I loved this morning are suddenly Awful

Keeps changing name every few months

If I do not journal/scrapbook/take photos of EVERY DAILY EXPERIENCE I WILL FORGET and my whole life will be a blank empty space!!!

“That’s not what you said last time I asked …”

Idk sometimes it’s my Favorite Thing and sometimes I couldn’t care less 🤷

I actually handle trauma really well because right after it happens I don’t even remember! 😇

Hate hypothetical questions because I have no clue how I’d react to any given thing until it happens and any answer feels like a lie

There’s def more but y’all should add your own 💖

#actually dissociative #actually did #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #sbc system tag: thorn 🥀 #sbc system tag: kiz ✨ #sbc system tag: echo 🏔️ #sbc system tag: Kash ❤️‍🔥 #sbc system tag: Casper 👻

[osddid-i-do-that]

It’s really neat how you can be in treatment or have proof that you’re dealing with OSDDID and STILL get absolutely clobbered with denial when you least expect it —

I must have made up these guys in my head

Maybe I’m doing this on purpose …

My childhood wasn’t THAT bad … right?

I probably imagined [really awful thing]

Lots of people argue with the multiple “opinions” in their head that have very distinct personalities … that has to be a normal thing …

I’m just really forgetful

Memory is super fallible so I can’t even believe myself

Do I just want to be special …?

If I really had this, they would have caught it sooner

This can’t be real …

#not saying you HAVE to be in treatment to deal with denial #just saying #EVEN IF professionals acknowledge your OSDDID #you can STILL deal with really awful denial #denial #actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Something I’m finding is REALLY hard to explain to non-OSDDID people is why it sometimes takes me ages to verbalize that I’m upset about something.

If I’m at front and I’m kinda meh about something, but someone else who’s co-con is FUMING and not able to put things into words, I, the person at front, am not gonna try to explain the other guy’s emotions or why they’re happening. Because I can’t. And the other person can’t right then, either.

We also run into issues with deciding how someone should approach things they’re upset about — we have extremely different responses to conflict.

So in order to actually address something, we have to:

Figure out what we’re feeling, and WHO is feeling it.

Figure out WHY.

Come to a consensus about what to do about it (if anything)

And figure out who is going to actually address things outwardly.

Sometimes whoever is at front seems annoyed because someone who is co-con/co-fronting IS UPSET and it sort of leaks out in terms of body language or that person will end up interjecting or affecting the overall tone of voice.

When I try to explain this, people (even some other systems I’ve met) tell me I either need to get a better handle on how things come out (hi. Thanks. Trying.) or that I need to verbalize things immediately (sometimes that’s not possible. Also if we don’t at least try to come to agreement first, there will be fucking CHAOS).

People thinking I’m being malicious by trying to process things before I bring anything up are really killing me …

#actually dissociative #actually did #dissociative identity disorder #osddid #sysblr #did system #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #sbc system tag: thorn 🥀 #sac system tag: kash ❤️‍🔥

[osddid-i-do-that]

I think for a while I thought, if I REALLY had DID, I would be so much better at … everything, right?

I’d handle conflict perfectly and resolve conflict and never lose any friends.

I’d handle emergencies perfectly. I’d never freeze up.

I’d always do the hard self-care things when life got dire.

I’d never have a panic attack during an exam.

I’d never shut down because someone yelled.

I’d always make the right choice, do the right thing, make everyone happy, take care of myself.

It took until now to realize that you don’t end up with the alters who flawlessly handled every single possible situation.

You end up with the alters who successfully kept you alive.

Please … Thank them for that.

#actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

It’s so hard trying to explain to people that I can be feeling a dozen conflicting things at once. Multiple completely unique views and opinions and reactions to things that are happening. That I can think a situation is a terrible idea AND be excited for it. That I can be angry about something and also not care. That you can see glimpses of both emotions or more and it doesn’t mean I’m lying to you.

That the reason I “don’t tell you anything” is because you always ask, “well, which is it?”

#actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #actually osdd

[osddid-i-do-that]

Just finished reading Elle(s), a comic series by Aveline Stokart & Kid Toussant

I’m struggling to find other people with OSDDID reviewing this, so I guess I’ll drop my 2¢ in.

There was a lot that felt really relatable in here — especially having an alter who goes completely quiet and shuts people out when conflict happens, and people you’re close to feeling confused and concerned by your completely different reactions to things. The art is gorgeous, and the visual indicator of the hair color changing was a neat way to show which alter is fronting.

There’s some inner world stuff that’s central to the story and while there are a lot of fantasy elements, I actually didn’t mind it as a storyline and a way to explain some of the amnesia Elle experiences and her general experience in brain space.

Where I start having issues is the explanation for Elle’s alters. I guess I have to admit, Elle isn’t diagnosed with DID or OSDD in-story. She’s technically (mis?)diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which, I think a lot of people with OSDDID will also relate to. That was a diagnosis I got and then had removed later when it was clear something else was going on). So while the narrative doesn’t explicitly tell you “this is someone with a complex dissociative disorder!!!” it’s very much in the subtext.

Which is why the turn in the second volume is … kind of a slap in the face? (Spoilers ahead.)

I kept waiting to find out what had caused each alter to split. I was especially interested in the personality who doesn’t speak — I figured there was an interesting origin story there.

Instead … the story veers off in the direction of, “Elle is the is way because she was actually several embryos who fused into one.”

Oof.

It doesn’t explore trauma beyond mentioning a kidnapping attempt when Elle was young (and not even delving into it as the cause of a split. It’s just a thing that happened).

It feels like the creators of this work may have wanted to do something else with it? Elle was supposedly adopted as an infant, but there are no baby pictures of her and no photos at all until around age 6. This is never explained. The kidnapping attempt is mentioned but downplayed. The ending feels exceptionally rushed.

It’s frustrating because MUCH of this story is very relatable, and the inner-world fantasy aspects might not be super grounded but they don’t completely come off as misinformation. But that chimera plot point (and look — chimerism in people is real and SUPER cool. It just doesn’t cause complex dissociative disorders) and the pacing issues near the end make it kinda come to a crashing stop.

I guess this means my search for good OSDDID rep in media continues …

#elles #aveline stokart #kid toussant #actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #media review #comic review #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Any time it’s been quiet in my brain for more than 5 minutes:

I’m a faker and I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I have people in my head but this isn’t real and oh my gawd I’ve been lying to my therapist —!!!

#actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

My therapist recommended doing an outpatient intensive therapy thing but she totally framed it like a cool little hangout of other chronically ill plural people and a chance to make friends but also with a side catharsis.

Idk man I’m like kinda sold on it? 🤷

#our roommate has been super ableist towards us #on top of refusing to help do anything about the health hazards in the house #despite it being THEIR FAMILY that owns the fucking place #no one listens to me #including roommate #who is now saying it’s our fault we’re sick #anyways yeah #friends who care would be nice #actually did #actually dissociative #osddid #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually osdd #sbc system tag: kash ❤️‍🔥 #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Having DID suddenly makes the fact that I could never figure out my sexuality make a lot of sense.

I’m asexual.

I’m bisexual.

I’m pansexual.

I’m a lesbian.

I’m demisexual.

I’m aromantic.

Depending on who’s fronting or co-con or co-fronting, any one of these things might be completely true. Or more than one might be true at once. (Current host is a demisexual panromantic enby, and the alter who usually co-fronts or is co-con is an asexual/aromantic trans guy … this has caused a lot of confusion in the past 😓)

#anyone else relate? #sysblr #actually dissociative #actually did #dissociative identity disorder #osddid #did system #sbc system tag: thorn 🥀 #sbc system tag: Pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Ever have something happen and you can feel yourself just fucking break?

Our roommate’s family member owns the place we’re currently staying at, and this family member has mismanaged things so badly that our health has taken a total nosedive. We were specifically told that the benefit of staying here would be the promise that things would NOT be mismanaged and we could get our health under control. We were also told that our roommate would ensure that this would happen.

Not only did our roommate totally drop the ball there, they also stood by while our things were either lost or damaged by the movers they hired (in several instances, they WATCHED the movers break our things through negligence and shrugged when we were upset about it), and they’ve repeatedly damaged our things through carelessness.

Thorn is the one most upset by all this, so I let him write out an explanation of why he’s upset and then helped edit it down so that it’s JUST an explanation of our end, no blaming. I think the only specific instance we asked for clarity on, was when our roommate had shut us down repeatedly when one of us was happily talking about a special interest. I was hoping Thorn had misinterpreted that.

But after a week, the only response we got back was, “Read your text. Don’t know what you want from me.”

I guess Thorn was right about them shutting us down, and I guess what we expect is absolutely nothing at all.

#advice/comments okay #vent #sysblr #actually did #osddid #did system #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #sbc system tag: thorn 🥀

[osddid-i-do-that]

How having amnesia about your amnesia works:

Therapist: Do you remember what we talked about last time?

Me *kinda defensive*: Yes.

Therapist: Okay, what did you tell me about last week?

Me: … Trauma?

#you don’t know what you don’t know #actually dissociative #actually did #actually osdd #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #osddid #sysblr #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮

[osddid-i-do-that]

Hey dude you seem cool and all but the other guy in my head kinda hates you so … 🤷 it just ain’t gonna happen

#actually dissociative #actually did #dissociative identity disorder #osddid #did system #sysblr #sbc system tag: pyxis 🔮 #so much of the time #I’ll see someone and be like #oh they seem — #and Thorn or Loveless will be like #ANNOYING??? Yeah we hate them #and I’m like #okay cool cool #sbc system tag: thorn 🥀 #I actually don’t h8 that many ppl #stats r just fuck cuz #a disproportionate amt of ppl #r highly annoying #:o)