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reiderwriter · 9 months

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✍️Introduction and Masterlist✍️

About me: Hi! I'm Kacie, I'm 21, and I use she/her/any pronouns. I'm from the UK but I'm currently an English Teacher in South Korea (if you want to know more I'm totally open to conversations about it!) and this is my side blog, so I follow and respond to comments from @studykac

Writing: At this point in time. I only write for Spencer Reid. I will pass on any requests that focus on other characters because I don't currently write for them. A lot of my work is also NSFW. If you are under the age of 18, do NOT interact with any of my posts that are tagged #maturereiding - please block this tag!! When my requests are open you can request through the Ask box, or through DMs, but please keep in mind I do have a full time job, so I will do my best to get things out quickly. You can find my recommendations in the tag #reiderrecommends!

Other interests: kpop, especially Seventeen, SHINee, NCT and BTS, Criminal Minds (obv), NCIS, reading any genre of books (here's a link for my GoodReads page), Percy Jackson, languages (learning Korean currently!), English Literature, Jane Austen etc.

Requests are: CLOSED (open again in October) - find my request guidelines here!

Writing:

Spencer Reid x Reader NSFW

Everyone Looks Better in a Sundress // 3.8k

Summary: The AC at the BAU decides to take a holiday during a summer heatwave, and when you decide the FBI’s dress code is merely a suggestion, you unwittingly catch Spencer’s eye.

Warnings: Dom!Spencer, sub!reader, semi-public sex, fingering, car sex, degradation, name-calling, edging, praise-kink, dumbification

Everyone Looks Better in a Sundress pt. 2 // 2.4K

Summary: After a hot encounter in your car, Spencer pulls you inside your apartment hoping to give you some more relief from the heat.

Warnings: Dom!Spencer, sub!Reader, soft Dom, oral (M receiving), pet names, degradation, face fucking, messy sex, creampie, breeding kink

Margaritas and Mistakes // Part 1 // Part 2

Summary: On a group night out, you get a little more drunk than you want to, and when Spencer shows up looking like the love of your life and not just your coworker, you realise that the margarita’s are having more of an effect than they should be.

Warnings: Suggestive language, dirty talk, heavy petting, hickeys, making out, mentions of arousal etc. (part one)

Show You What Devotion Is ❤️‍🔥

Summary: After a lustful encounter on the jet, you and Spencer decide to try out a friends-with-benefits relationship. What you didn't expect was for his sex drive to be so high, and your need for him to overpower your ability to function properly.

Warnings: So many, check the post for details.

More Than Words 🫶 // 8k

Summary: After telling a white lie to your family about your relationship status, you're forced to ask your coworker Spencer to pretend to be your boyfriend for a weekend wedding.

Warnings: Mostly fluff, penetrative sex, creampie, mentions of Spencer's childhood.

The Us That Could've Been 💔 // 5.7k

Summary: They say to get over a man, you have to get under another. Spencer isn't sure why the idea of you doing just that makes him feel so bad.

Warnings: angst, unprotected sex, creampie, spoilers for season 8, mentions of Maeve, Spencer is emotionally illiterate etc.

Unhappy Holidays 👻🦃🎄🎆// 5k

Summary: You're unlucky enough to run into Spencer Reid at holiday celebrations four years in a row. In the New Year, you're resolving to rid him from your mind forever, but you never were one to stick to resolutions 👻🦃🎄🎆

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, low-key work rivals, semi-public sex, car sex, hate sex, fingering, thigh riding, creampie, unprotected sex (no condoms but contraceptive mentioned), slight spoilers for s4 of Criminal Minds (but not really).

Spencer Reid x Reader SFW

The Lightbulb Moment // 4.8k

Summary: You want Spencer all to yourself for the first few months of your relationship and he's only too happy to comply. Unfortunately, you're two dumbasses who can't keep their hands off one another.

Just Hanging Out // 3k

Summary: To kick off your vacation, you find yourself at Rossi's mansion with your team for a big summer barbeque. A hammock in the garden catches your eye, and you enlist Reid to help you have some fun in the sun.

(Not smut but highly suggestive, read at your own discretion).

Isn't She Pretty, Daddy? // 2k

Summary: You're a teacher, and you have to call in one of your students' parents to talk about their recent troubling behaviour. It's more embarrassing than you thought when Spencer Reid shows up.

Series

That's What You Get // complete 💕

Summary: After three weeks on a case in Vegas and a particularly draining phone call from your mother, you decide to take Reid up on his offer to show you the sights of Las Vegas. When you wake up the next morning, you realise that one of the sights was a 24hour Wedding Parlor, and that you're now Mrs Reid.

Genres: Fluff, smut in later chapters, angst in later chapters, happy ending.

Playlist: Me and You in 2024

Summary: One song fic a week throughout 2024!

Genres: Various, check individual chapters for specific warnings!♡

Answered Requests

(NSFW) Request inspired by Taylor Swift's False God 🙏// 2.2k

(NSFW) Request for a soft!Dom Spencer with cockwarming and breeding kink 💕 // 2k words

(NSFW) Request for Reader introducing vanilla!Spencer to a BDSM lifestyle ✨// 0.7k words

(SFW) Request for Reader kidnapped by unsub and saved by Spencer 💕 // 2.2k

(SFW) Request for pregnant Reader and Spencer who is an absolute fool for her 🌸 // 1.2k

(SFW) Request for shamelessly flirting with an oblivious Spencer 😊// 2k

(NSFW) Request for post-Maeve Spencer who uses sex as a coping mechanism 🫡//4.6k

(NSFW) Request for alt!sub!Reader meeting the team for the first time (and they totally think she's the Dom) 🤭// 1.5k

(NSFW) Request for CNC office sex with Spencer 🚫// 1k

(SFW) Request for Spencer finding out you knew Emily was alive 😿// 0.7k

(SFW) Request for training session with Spencer 🤼‍♀️// 1.8k

(SFW) Request for I Can See You inspired angst 🥺// 1.7k

(NSFW) Request for Spencer making the reader beg for it ❤️‍🔥// 1.6k

(NSFW) Request for CNC with soft!Dom Spencer - shower sex 💦// 1.3k

(NSFW) PROMPT REQUEST - Professor Reid doesn't know he's distracting the class 👓// 3k

(NSFW) Request for Sub!Spencer begging reader to dominate him 🫣// 1.7k

(NSFW) Request for Genophobic virgin!Reader ❤️‍🩹// 5k

(NSFW) Request for Professor Spencer with a jealous gf 🐺//2k

(SFW) Request for reader helping Spencer through recovery 🤕// 1k

(NSFW) Request for possessive Spencer reacting to your little black dress 💃// 2.5k

(NSFW) PROMPT REQUEST - Undercover with an "excited" Spencer 🕵‍♂️// 3.6k

(SFW) Request for playing video games with Spencer 🎮// 1k

(NSFW) PROMPT REQUEST - munch! Spencer is obsessed with you 👅// 2k

(SFW) Request for Spencer babying an oblivious reader 👶// 2k

(NSFW) PROMPT REQUEST - sharing a cold bed with Frenemy Spencer 🛌// 3.5k

(NSFW) Request for reader being distracted while Spencer is reading 📚// 1k

(NSFW) Request for Pillow fort sex with Spencer ⛺️// 2k

(NSFW) Request for car confession and oral with Spencer 🚗// 1.7k

(NSFW) Request for dancing the night away with Spencer 💃// 2.5k

(NSFW) Request for the morning after Spencer loses his V-Card 😶// 0.7k

(NSFW) Request for reader confessing to Spencer when he's in his anthrax shower 🚿// 0.7k

(NSFW) Request for Spencer finding readers unusual sensitive area 🤝// 3.5k

(NSFW) Request for Spencer and Hotch!Reader secret relationship 🤐// 6k

(SFW) Request for reader being jealous of Spencer and Lila 🤽‍♀️// 2.1k

(NSFW) Request for gun kink 🔫//3k

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #reiderrecommends #spencer reid fanfic #Masterlist #criminal minds fanfiction

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mashpoll · 7 months

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Crisis (s2 e21): With supply lines cut, the 4077th has to conserve heat, water, food and medical necessities.

Welcome to Korea (s4 e1&2): While on R&R, Hawkeye misses Trapper John's discharge. He tries to say goodbye and misses him by 10 minutes, but he meets his new ally in Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.

#crisis #welcome to korea #season 2 #season 4 #round 1

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bethereforme · 4 months

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rules: link your favorite and/or most popular post from each month this year <3 (it’s totally fine to skip months!) and tag some CCs you love!

tagged by @baekhyunnybyun thank you bex! 💙🥰

JANEIRO

⭐ most popular: JAEHYUN ♡ ig live (230108) the bonus gif.... this man is so funny

💕 favorite: 1, 2 and maybe 7 o'clock ♡ this was my emotional support song when 127 came to brazil and i couldn't go to their concert 😞

FEVEREIRO

⭐: mark & yuta "do you like me?" 🤣

��: okay so i have a lot!! of favorites from february...... 1. valentine boy jaehyun birthday set / 2. HAECHAN ♡ 2 baddies (230211) love the coloring in this one 😁 / 3. JAEHYUN 🌴🏈 Ay-Yo jacket behind / 4. NCT 127 ♡ Ay-Yo (230212) / 5. NCT 127 ♡ dj (230212)

MARÇO

⭐: JAEHYUN ♡ dj dance practice behind jh in brazil... 🫶

💕: 1. JAEHYUN + blue and black / 2. JAEHYUN ♡ interview for esquire korea / 3. jaehyun in his own world / 4. DOJAEJUNG ♡ ig live (230322)

ABRIL

⭐: DOJAEJUNG ♡ Perfume

💕: 1. JAEHYUN ♡ Kiss (230429) / 2. jaehyun the cat 😸 / 3. DOJAEJUNG 🌸 Perfume (230430)

MAIO

⭐: JAEHYUN 🍑 ‘Perfume’ recording behind

💕: 1. JAEHYUN 🤍 Kiss (230507) / 2. SEHUN ♡ ‘All That We Loved’ online press conference

JUNHO

⭐: EXO ♡ hear me out

💕: 1. EXO ♡ let me in / 2. jaehyun looking like husband material / happy jaehyun (｡◠‿◠｡)

JULHO

⭐: lilac haired superhuman jaehyun

💕: 1. JAEHYUN in milan / 2. cutie jaehyun / 3. EXO ♡ cream soda (230716)

AGOSTO

⭐: JAEHYUN ♡ Horizon

💕: 1. cutie sehun at exo ladder s4 / 2. JAEHYUN ♡ horizon mv meeting

SETEMBRO

⭐: JAEHYUN ♡ baggy jeans (230902)

💕: 1. JAEHYUN 💙 baggy jeans (230831) / 2. jaehyun whisper challenge

OUTUBRO

⭐: JAEHYUN ♡ fact check (jacket behind)

💕: 1. jaehyun in a suit according to tumblr tags / 2. JAEHYUN ♡ fact check (231013)

NOVEMBRO

⭐: TAEIL @ The Unity

💕: 1. jaehyun and his heart shaped glasses / 2. JAEHYUN - PUNCH

DEZEMBRO

⭐: hihi cat jaehyun singing in the snow 😸

💕: NCT 127 ❄️ Be There For Me

tagging: @tipannies @suuho @hoongjong @xiaojuun @littlesunshinedae @amaranth @fadedinmysong @jae-min @wayvs @yunogf @onmywayv @ye-xiu @mattwooks @jentlemahae @byunbaekhyunie @haechan @rainbowrenjun @huangrenjuns @talksaxy @firetrucks @seomarkno @sunghanbin @jsuh @nctsworld @mondetaeil @yutaslaugh @stanbap @nfly5 @mel-loves-kdramas @dokyunqsoo @dazzlingkai @byunfirstlady

#every month of 2023 #gifs #if you've already done this please tag me in your post so i can see it <3

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mochachiiii · 2 years

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Treasure Fanpack

Coming in with another requested fanpack. Here you go Its Treasure

-Objects Found all over so it’s best to type Mocha in the search to find

-Cost 1 §

-Albums have slots so stack em

ACC LIGHTSTICKS INCLUDED:

DOWNLOAD: SFS/MG

YOU CAN GET THE OTHER STUFF I MADE BY CHECKING ✰ MY MASTERLIST ✰

TOU

-Feel free to tag me in screenshots @mochachiiii

- Don’t Re-upload or Redistribute

-Feel Free to include in your builds(you can credit me if you want no pressure tho ^.^)

-Don’t steal and claim as your own

-You can recolor but do not include my mesh. Link back to the original post

-If there is anything wrong with the objects please let me know

-Enjoy!!~~~

Wanna Support Me?—-> ♡

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mashtastic · 1 year

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M*A*S*H S4:E1 - Welcome to Korea - Part 1

#mash #m*a*s*h #M*A*S*H #frank burns

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kimakento · 7 months

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jo1 members as your bf spending time with you! (p.1)

(s4 and mame)

pairing(s) : otouto line!jo1 members x fem!reader

genre(s) : fluff

tags : established relationship, teeth rotting fluff, idk jo1 being cute

a/n : im probably going to forget ab writing part 2, so don’t expect much 💔..

syoya -

bf!syoya would definitely take you out on cute picnic dates. he’d probably finish the food you’ve prepared and then slowly realise you’ve had nothing to eat and apologise profusely. even while you’ve reassured him and told him that he looked adorable while he was eating and that you weren’t even hungry :(.

he’d definitely pull you into a warm hug, still saying sorry and promising that he’d treat you to dinner later. (and that he did)

“i was just joking, i’m not even that hungry!”

“i hear your stomach rumbling…”

“but-“

shion -

bf!shion would definitely take you to your fave resto and spoil you, all the while he’d tell you the same dad jokes over and over. shion would also remind you to order anything you wanted and not to worry about the cost since he really loves you and doesn’t care about what he has to pay!

bf!shion would then ask to stay over, making sure to take care of you. he’d help you get ready for bed and tuck you in, whispering goodnight. even going as far to making you breakfast in bed the next morning.

“why did the chicken cross the road?”

“you’ve told this joke atleast ten times..”

“and it’s funny everytime!”

shosei -

bf!shosei would text you to come over while he was practicing a song on his piano., you’d watch in awe at his talent and pure skill to play something so beautiful. after he’s done, shosei would be so proud of himself for woo’ing you and he’d absolutely give you a shy smile as you applaud.

bf!shosei would then seat you behind the piano, teaching you a bit of his favourite song, giving you a little piano lesson. you’d watch attentively as he excitedly explains each step of playing the song.

“was that good? did i play it right?”

“you were perfect.”

“really?!”

sukai -

bf!sukai would just love to be around you all the time. hes barely vocal about his feelings and sees it as a hard topic for him. but he’ll definitely show you his affection through his actions.

bf!sukai loves to hold your hand while running his thumb over the back of your palm repeatedly to assure you whenever you’re anxious. sukai will also pepper your face with little kisses to try to comfort you.

“are you okay?”

“yeah i am, don’t worry.”

“you sure?”

mame -

bf!mame loves to sit down with you and binge all the kamen rider series together, even making sure to explain all the references and show you his role in the series so you can praise his acting skills.

bf!mame would also try to get you to play against him in various video games he likes. most like overwatch (yes im referencing their time in korea when they went to that pc cafe) and call of duty as well, as those are his all-time favourite games!

“ha! i won this round.”

“nooo i let you win…”

“no you didn’t-“

taglist : @turtledove824

(ask or comment if you want to be added to my taglist!)

#kimakento #kimakento writes #kimakento speaks #jo1 #jo1 x reader #fluff #x reader #jpop

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toxinellebug · 3 months

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HESPERIA/BETTERFLY kamikotized heroes Headcanons PART 3

Warning, this may make animal lovers uneasy for a bit.

This one is going to take place during the day, around Adrien and Marinette’s 2nd week of school, so they are still toying around with their Miraculous’ at night for their own personal gains, and have not yet suffered the consequences and been instructed to hunt down the Butterfly-man in order to save themselves.

Promise that the next one will show our fav villains in action, but for now I hope there are fans of Mr. Pigeon reading this because-

Xavier Ramier becomes……

Sauvaquateur!

(This is my attempt at combining the French words for “Savior” and “Aquatic”, into a new, superhero name. Fun fact: In 1979, the U.S. Coast Guard trained pigeons to locate people lost at sea and they had a 90% success rate!

Also remember S4, ep 4, “Mr. Pigeon 72”)

As mentioned in my post “Shadybug’s Paris Headcanons”, in this universe, pigeons are far less welcome in Paris than they are in the Good/Prime universe, so there is no need for a Pigeon-Tamer.

There IS a need for Environmental technicians though… a DIRE need.

(In this Universe, imagine the world under The Supreme’s control as slightly less extreme than North Korea under Kim Jong-un, and about as polluted as Gaya, India.)

Luckily, construction plans for “Project Oxygen”, endorsed by M. Bertrand King, have been submitted and are awaiting approval from The Supreme. In theory, once they’ve built enough towers, it should take care of the awful smog problem in Paris.

But that won’t help with toxicity in the soil and water.

Which is why M. Ramier is outside on a particularly gloomy day, in full yellow hazmat gear and neon orange rubber galoshes, attempting to collect water samples from the Saint-Martin canal.

Trash aside, people just didn’t realize how much of the poison they put out for rats (and those poor, adorable, misunderstood pigeons) ended up in the Seine, resulting in its present, disgustingly polluted state.

Xavier can’t help but daydream of simpler times he has never known, like the ones depicted in old photographs and paintings.

In his personal collection, he has a precious family keepsake, a postcard to his great-grandfather sent by his great-uncle in 1912;

It depicted such a happy scene of blue skies and even bluer water, and people gathered to merrily feed the pigeons with smiling faces near the Seine.

Not for the first time, he can’t help but wonder if perhaps he was simply born in the wrong decade…

Instead, here he is, collecting vial after vial of what is closer to sludge than water at different points along the canal for chemical analysis and comparison.

It’s dull and dreary.

Or, at least it’s dreary…

The dullness comes to a rather abrupt end when a low bellowing sound draws his attention to a large, sludge covered something twitching near the bank beneath The Pont des Arts, (or as we know it, The Love Lock bridge, though in this universe there are no locks) a mere 4 meters away from him.

Mon Dieu!

He thought the rumors were merely that; rumors dreamt up to keep children away from the filthy water.

But blessed be; that really is a crocodile!

Where on earth did he come from??

(Somewhere in a shoddy apartment, Jagged, or rather, Jared, sneezes and feels a strange pang of guilt.)

The poor fellow doesn’t look too well; not that M. Ramier claimed to have any expertise in crocodilian health, but he was almost certain that the creature’s spine was not meant to be quite so prominent.

He also could not recall ever seeing a crocodile lay on its side like that, half floating in the water, half… Hold on, was it tethered to something????

Merciful heavens! Discarded plastic Enforcer barrier tape had found its way into the canal and gotten tangled up around this poor beast’s jowls and caught upon who knows what kind of garbage submerged near the bank.

Sloshing his way over, M. Ramier had only intended to get close enough to attempt to at least cut the plastic tape where it was tethered closest to the bank in hopes the lack of tension would loosen it enough that the crocodile could free himself.

But the croc sensed his approach and grew frightened, letting out a warning growl and weakly thrashing his too thin tail, before jerking wildly and tightening the noose in the process.

At this rate the beast would strangle himself!

This was terrible!

Oh, that poor creature….

But, what could he do? He was merely an Environmental Technician, trained to collect and study water samples.

He supposed he could try contacting the ‘Ménagerie du Jardin des Plantes’ (the zoo), but by the time they decided to send someone over, if they decided to send anyone over, it might be too late!

If only he could help… He became an Environmental Technician due to his love of animals and a desire to make the world a better place for them, and now there was a creature in desperate need of aid right in front of him and he was completely powerless…

He does not see the glowing butterfly perch upon the sample vial in his gloved hand, nor does he notice it vanish.

He’s far too preoccupied with the sudden voice in his head:

The voice introduces himself as Betterfly, and claims that he too shares a love of animals.

The voice offers him the power he needs to save this suffering creature, and asks if he will accept this gift for the greater good.

M. Ramier accepts, though, he’s not really Xavier Ramier anymore…

The stained yellow of his suit melts away to a pristine white, and the neon orange of his rubber boots has given way to a striking cyan and become more fin-like in appearance.

His rubber gloves share the same shade of blue, as does the “star of life” symbol overlaying the outline of a rescue bird on his chest.

Somehow, his sample vial has inexplicably transformed into a rather impressive hand operated bilge pump.

He feels stronger, more confident, more daring.

He is now Sauvaquateur!

Holstering the pump at his waist, he dives into the water with the grace of a tropical clawed frog, Sauvaquateur swims with amphibious ease thanks to his new, webbed gloves, and is able to take a firm hold of the weakened crocodile and bring him the the bank of the canal.

(Another fun fact: The Seine is 9.5 metres or 31 ft. deep and you should absolutely NOT swim in it without superpowers.)

With his newfound strength, he makes quick work of tearing that horrid plastic off the poor creature, and feels satisfied that he has successfully rescued his new, scaly friend!

…..Except, the crocodiles eyes do not seem to be open.

He’s also rather still, perhaps too still-

He’s not breathing!

Panic takes hold as Sauvaquateur fears he was too late after all, but the voice returns to him;

Betterfly urges him to remain calm, hope is not lost yet, but he must come to his senses!

….That’s right, he mustn’t give up!

Sauvaquateur presses his head against the crocodile’s rough back near where he thinks a heart should be.

Perhaps it is due to Betterfly’s “gift”, but even through his suit’s protective helmet, Sauvaquateur swears he can hear a weak thumping sound.

There is a heartbeat but no breath; what should he do? How does one go about performing rescue breathing on a crocodile?! Would that even help????

Again, Betterfly’s soothing voice echoed in his mind, urging him to look closer…

Looking closely, the crocodile seemed to have an awfully bloated stomach yet such a thin looking back… Could it be-?

Eyeing the bilge pump holstered at his side, Sauvaquateur knew he had to try!

Using incredible strength he now unfathomably possessed, he did what should not have been humanly possible; he pried the crocodile’s mouth open and placed the hose of the pump inside.

It only takes 5 good thrusts of the plunger rod before a burst of toxic brown water and wads of plastic come spewing out of the pump’s outlet.

Sauvaquateur shudders at the thought of all that rubbish inside that poor animal.

It’s a feeling that Betterfly shares.

Its stomach noticeably deflated, and its scales a shade less pale than they were only a few moments prior, the crocodile takes a deep, relieving breath.

Sauvaquateur does the same.

With the croc out of immediate danger, and now fast asleep, Betterfly praises Sauvaquateur for his valiant efforts, and suggests that now would be a good time to let someone more experienced take over.

Sauvaquateur agrees.

He can feel the “gift” leave him- like the sensation of color being gently stripped away.

He is left in his muddy, yellow suit, and his plain orange rubber boots. His water sample vial, now empty, rests at his feet.

M. Ramier is not sure what just happened exactly; it’s a bit fuzzy, like waking up from a peculiar dream.

He could’ve sworn he was talking to someone just now….

But the loud snoring from the large, slumbering reptile beside him reminds him that there are far more pressing matters at hand.

Moving to a more comfortable distance, Xavier unzips his outer suit in order to pull out his mobile phone and place a call.

He is placed on hold for frustrating amount of time before a M. Césaire answers and M. Ramier informs him of his predicament.

It’s not long after that when Enforcer sirens sound along the banks, forming a protective barrier and trying to hold back inquiring news photographers eager to get a shot of “Saint Martin’s Beast.”

M. Césaire is there as well, and he expertly secures the crocodile’s jaws shut before he and an assistant lift and haul the creature into the back of a van to transport to the zoo for examination.

M. Ramier is harshly admonished for getting so close to such a dangerous animal and is informed that it is a miracle he is unharmed.

A miracle?

Is there such a thing anymore?

….Perhaps.

PART 2

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mosthatedsunny · 5 months

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#iasip #it’s always sunny in philadelphia #mosthatedsunny #polls

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bamboobrat · 1 year

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succession s4 e7 recap: tom, the one pepper menu item, gets spicy

sorry for the delayed recap this week, girlies. somehow i had a life to live and it was not very conducive to breaking down an episode where literally everyone is going through a breakup.

oh well.

we start the episode at tom and shiv's, where tom has made her breakfast after a long night of boning.

(this is an episode for the foodies, btw. did you guys notice?)

he gives shiv a scorpion as a present because she is toxic and can kill him.

hilarious joke, tommy. hilarious.

all is not well in this household. and none of the other significant relationships seem to be doing that well either:

this shot.... succession camera person, i see you.

i'm so happy we get to see rava, even if the writers are giving us crumbs at this point.

she tells ken to call her daughter. sophie is scared of the election and all the racist rhetoric which is spewed most prominantely by her father's news network.

ken pulls out his inner logan:

seems like most of the kids do this episode and it is certainly not a good thing for their personal relationships....

this goes for everyone except connor, who honestly seems to be having a great time this episode.

he's just happy his father is dead and that he is polling at 4 percent in alaska.

truly a power play by the writers to give con all the best lines in the episode. our girl is thriving!!

the tom/shiv saga continues, this time with sexting.

can't believe they are getting some of the best classically trained theater actors in the world to write this shit.

and make faces like this:

what time to be alive.

ATN is downsizing. greg is out for skulls.

shiv and tom host a tailgate party before the election which isn't really a tailgate party and all the finest people in the land are gathered, including a strange tv couple and a podcast god.

roman and ken are using the occasion to spread doubt about mattson and the gojo deal:

just two failsons/CE-bros working together for the good of the republic.

also, they've invited nate to go regulatory on mattson's ass, which tom is of course totally chill about.

it's the guest appearance nobody asked for and yet he has more screen time than gerri in this episode. the succession writers truly do not understand me.

con is offered a post as ambassador to somalia if he drops out of the race by mencken, but mogadishu isn't really his vibe.

he came to win this episode.

gerri arrives at the party and roman is like, phew, my girlfriend isn't mad at me for firing her and my guy frank probably worked it all out with her for me, right? right???

wrong.

it's giving high school drama.

let's all take a moment to imagine gerri, three martinis down, ranting about what a little shithead roman is.

the girlies stick together<3

mattson arrives at the tailgate party after shiv tells him about the regulatory route dumb and dumber over there are planning to go down.

he arrives during a moment of silence for logan, but not to worry, this swede knows how to behave and will not put his dick in the guac.

WHAT. IS. THIS. JACKET.

lukas is, of course, his normal charming self:

my face exactly when i'm caught between my potential future boss and the guy i've been boning nonstop for the past 12 hours.

the roman/con negotiations continue. it's a no on the slos, con wants to take berlin by christmas and contemplates opening up north korea like nixon did china.

it's giving napoleon, it's giving girlboss.

if you can believe it, you can achieve it, con con.

but alas, he is offered oman.

shiv asks mattson this:

if i was mattson i would eat her out right then and there.

i'm having perfectly normal feelings about it.

nate continues to.... be there.

luckily he doesn't stay for long. bye bye, nate. see you never!!!

con tries to sell willa on the whole oman thing:

the pros are: no lines at the airport and you can hit people with your car. bonus: you actually DON'T have to live under ground.

this is perhaps the first time in succession history that we see a couple have a truly genuine discussion about what their next move should be - together.

sticking up for your man's delusions really works out, i guess.

oscar is great.

he doesn't like greg. i like oscar.

ebba wants to murder everybody:

communications people with social anxiety, unite!

greg is a try-hard and joins in on the hazing of ebba.

i don't think i've ever liked him less.

anyway, turns out it helps the failbros, who come to ebba's rescue, smoke a cig with her, figure out lukas is basically not the coder from gothenburg he says he is, but instead some swedish elon musk type who took some tech to marked.

bravo.

oh, and his numbers in india are completely wack.

rome and ken are ecstatic!

lets run down a list of mattson's flaws so far: - fudged the numbers - sent weird items to his employee - potentially has a little drug problem? - calls things he doesn't like gay

totally inappropriate for a company like waystar, in other words.....

roman does the best gerri impression i've ever heard.

i know j. said she thinks the impression is stupid but i had to watch that moment three times to figure out if it was actually her saying the line or not, so..... sorry j. <3

gerri is done.

i feel unwell. someone please convince me this isn't their last ever scene together.

j. said there'd be ups and downs. WHERE ARE THE UPS?

roman is upset and takes it out on connor in his best logan impression to date:

con is like nah, i'm good on oman and willa is like everyone hates your fascist candidate, roman.

good for them.

ken and mattson fight over who has the fakest numbers.

mattson shits on new york like a true swede.

anyone doing the "drink every time someone fights" game this episode is dead by now.

speaking of, we get the best hbo balcony scene since the wire season 3 episode 11.

at the risk of mixing my hbo references, this is my red wedding.

the fight goes something like this:

shiv: you are a social climber tom: you are broken, you never got your dads approval and you shouldn't have kids because you are horrible

at least now tom can get some sleep, i guess, because the bonefest is certainly over.

ken talks to frank about taking doing a reverse viking, meaning waystar buys gojo, not the other way around.

OH MY GOD THESE KIDS. they can't even fucking pull off ONE deal before they are on to the next. c'mon.

oh and he wants the CEO position for himself. shocker.

imagine being frank in this scenario. just imagine.

tom is tired from all the sex and all the talk about him getting fired and acts exactly like me whenever i have people over:

tired girlies need representation too.

the era of wambsgans ire is here.

shiv is like oh fuck.

the episode ends with everyone pretty much being alone. there are no teams anymore. there are zero hugs except for one very disturbing one between mattson and ken, and i'm having a hard time remembering if i like any of these characters at all.

oh no, wait, i like connor.

it's all good. i still like connor.

ps: WHERE IS KARL?!

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