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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

Text

Time waits for no one

Trigger warning: If you’ve struggled with pregnancy, this might be a hard read. Babies, children, etc. I dunno. It was a small laugh, you could barely even hear it but it still lit up the room. Ellie couldn’t help but feel it in her soul. The warmth, the light, all from such a small bundle of joy. She held her close, her small fingers wrapped around her thumb, her brown eyes wide with wonder and a hint of mischief. God, she looked like Mona.

As if summoned by the thought, Mona walked through the door, hands dirty from fiddling in the garage. “We’ll get a few more miles out of her,” she said, wiping her hands on a rag before tucking it in her back pocket.

Ellie smiled, catching her eye. “We’ve already gotten far more than we should’ve, thanks to you.”

Mona’s neck turned the slightest shade of red before she covered it with her hand, rubbing awkwardly. “Just doing my part,” she mumbled. She leaned over, looking at the swaddled baby in Ellie’s arms.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this,” she said lightly, in awe of the miracle they’d created. She opened her mouth to speak again when a loud blaring interrupted the moment.

Ellie opened her eyes, flailing to turn off the alarm. The room seemed darker than normal, coming out of the dream. Just a dream.

Alarm snoozed, she curled her arms around herself, taking a deep breath.

Happy, she thought, squeezing her eyes tight. I’m happy. I’m with the woman I love, doing what I love. That is enough. This is enough.

She hated herself for where her mind wandered in the night. She hated herself for the minutes that passed while she reminded herself how lucky she was, how happy she was. She hated every second that she didn’t believe the words.

“El?” Mona called from the other room. “You up?”

She blinked back the tears, steadying herself. “Working on it,” she answered lightly, adding a grumble at the end. She never understood how Mona was such a morning person.

Mona poked her head in, her brown eyes roaming over Ellie’s body. “Get a move on,” she said, lingering a little too long in the door.

“Sure that’s what you want?” asked Ellie with a wink.

Mona chuckled. “We’ve got to get to the shop.”

And that was that. Ellie pulled herself from bed, dressing quickly and darting out the door.

---

Mona took a deep breath. Nothing made her feel more at home these days than car grease tinged with gasoline. She looked around the shop, a lion surveying its domain. Ellie had made a beeline for the office, mumbling something about paperwork. She handled the business of it all, leaving Mona to the cars. With Ellie’s business sense and her...obsession...they were well on their way to being a premier import dealership in the area.

On their way, being the key phrase. It hadn’t been easy-going. El did her time in college and Mona served hers. They had a late start, and they’d put every dollar they had into growing this business.

They were happy, though. She wasn’t one for words or feelings, but Ellie...Ellie turned it all around for her. She made her something...someone.

“Hey boss!” Mona shook her head, returning to the hustle and bustle of the shop.

---

Ellie focused on the work. It always gave her some feeling of purpose. She was happy. That was the most frustrating part of all of it. She loved Mona, she loved their life. It was her decision not to...not to conceive.

She paused, taking a deep breath. This is stupid. Get yourself together, Ellie. But it wasn’t that simple. These things never were, were they? Her body yearned for a baby, her own baby. It was in her DNA. It was something she’d dreamed about since she was small.

And now she was old. Old, and in love, and all she wanted was to put more love into the world. She remembered that little girl from her dream. She had Mona’s eyes, her dark hair. A real heartbreaker.

But that wasn’t reality, of course. They couldn’t just...make a baby. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Even if she could carry, the baby wouldn’t be theirs. Not biologically. And she knew, of course she knew that that didn’t really matter.

And then there was the cost. They couldn’t afford it, even if they were in agreement, even if they both wanted it.

She wasn’t sure when the tears began, but she wiped them from her face quickly when she heard a rap at the door.

“Hey, El, I--” Mona cut off as she caught sight of Ellie’s tear-stained face. “El?”

“Hey, baby,” Ellie said, dropping her gaze to the stack of papers on the desk. “I was just about to start the invoices. What did you need?”

Mona crossed the room in two steps, towering beside Ellie. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m--”

“El,” she said quietly, kneeling before her. “You’re crying.” Mona wiped a tear from her cheek, her calloused thumb so gentle as it grazed her skin.

“I--I can’t…” Ellie murmured. She knew if she told Mona she’d blame herself. She couldn’t put that on her. But it hurt, holding it in. No one would understand. It’s not like she was physically unable to conceive. It was...it was her choice, right? She chose Mona, she chose the business. She chose this life.

“Ellie.” Mona’s voice was firm as she squeezed Ellie’s hand. “This is not how we do things. Talk to me.”

---

Love has a way of warping us. If we’re lucky, it’s for the best. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, it derails everything. Mona knew that pain too well. Like a cement block tied to your feet, dragging you down when all you want to do is tread water.

She tried to hide the tremor in her hand as she kneeled on the dirty floor, eyes locked on Ellie. Before she even spoke, she could feel it in her bones. These tears, they were about her...about them. Her head swam, heart thundering. We’re happy, she thought, overanalyzing every interaction, everything she’d done, everything she hadn’t. I thought we were happy.

“Ellie.” The word came like a lifeline, the only thing tethering her to the scene before her.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie whimpered. “This is so stupid.”

Mona had been shot. She’d been betrayed. She’d experienced every kind of pain imaginable. But nothing like the way her heart tore right now, watching Ellie, hearing Ellie’s pain.

“No,” she said, forcing the air into her lungs. “Your feelings are not stupid. Please, El, tell me.”

---

Ellie couldn’t stop the tears, now. She was angry with herself, angry for letting it get to her, angry for letting Mona see. She took a breath, meeting Mona’s eyes. She could sense her fear, and she knew she didn’t have a choice. Not anymore.

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” she began, trying to find some explanation for the intensity of her emotions. “I guess I’m just tired and emotional, I guess that’s why I’m such a mess.”

“What’s got you so upset?” Mona asked, not letting her off the hook.

“I’ve been dreaming,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve been dreaming about having a baby. Yours, and mine. Ours. It...it’s part of each of us, and...she’s so beautiful, and...I know…”

She cut off, taking a shaky breath, trying to find the right words. “I know that we agreed. I know that I agreed, that I changed my mind. But I...I can’t help feeling like I’m missing out on something.”

Mona was quiet, eyes on Ellie. It was true, they’d agreed. They’d agreed to put the business first...the business Mona wanted. They’d agreed not to have a child of their own. A child that Ellie had always wanted to carry and Mona wasn’t even sure she wanted.

“We can adopt,” Mona started carefully. “Like we talked about. Older kids, the ones that need love and safety.”

“Yea,” Ellie said softly. “I know.”

---

This is out of left field, Mona thought. But the more she thought about it, she realized that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t, not for Ellie. Ellie, who’d dreamed of carrying a child, who’d dreamed of giving birth and being a mom.

Mona never really wanted kids. Not after everything she’d been through, everything she’d done. She didn’t need to ruin another human. She just needed to stay as far away from influencing anyone’s life as possible. She was too broken, too utterly damaged to be a parent.

But with Ellie...she’d opened her mind to the possibility. But then Ellie said she wasn’t sure if she wanted it, anymore. And then they started the business, and years had passed, and now...now it was barely an option.

“I’m sorry,” she said, unable to meet Ellie’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

It was all she could say. She always had a solution, a way to fix things, a way to make them better. But she couldn’t fix this. She couldn’t turn back time. She couldn’t change biology. She couldn’t magically acquire thousands of dollars for one shot...a long shot, with Ellie’s age.

“Me either,” Ellie whispered.

The air was heavy between them. Mona stood, wrapping her arm around Ellie’s shoulders.

“Why don’t we take off?” Mona asked, gently. “Go home early, maybe go for a ride?”

It was a band-aid, at best. She knew that. It wasn’t an easy thing, mourning something you’d never had...someone you’d never know. As she held Ellie’s hand and led her out of the garage, she felt the sadness she carried with her. She even felt some sadness herself. She hadn’t wanted a child, but to see how badly Ellie did...it felt like something had been ripped away from them before they’d even had the chance to decide they wanted it.

They climbed in the car and drove home in silence, Mona feeling unbearably like a cement block.

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