#review before the exam today. im so. im. fucking hell

[sakusafilm]

in which kiyoomi sakusa is inlove with you.

fem!reader, fluff, angst, established relationship, mentions of cheating, suggestive (?), not good with tags im new here im so sawrry 😩, just pain (did not proofread this btw)

part 2

© sakusafilm. do not repost.

sakusa is inlove with you.

no one knows how and why it happened. he just woke up one day, and somehow, his grade conscious classmate looked and felt different. your eyes are sparkling, your lips made his stupid heart race, your voice isn't so annoying anymore. he doesn't care if you take his coffee, but will put atsumu to hell if he ever does that. he doesn't care if you play with his curls, but will look at people with disgust if they do that to him.

god, he is inlove with you.

so when he asked you out on a date when the both of you turned 3rd year, you couldn't reject it. because maybe you felt the same, you love him too. you love his introvert ass who hated attention but still turned out to be japan's number one ace at such a young age, initially getting all the attention around itachiyama and the whole prefecture. you love taking his coffee away from him just because you're too lazy to get yours from itachiyama's bending machine that is literally just outside your classroom. you love his curls, they're cute and makes him look prettier. you love his paralleled moles in his forehead, kissing it when he falls asleep in your lap.

from then, the relationship that you two had was stable. it was mature, understanding, all-knowing. full of trust. his fangirls hated you, but you couldn't care less because you were so sure that kiyoomi sakusa only ever loved you. he never missed a day in assuring you.

“kiyoomi, can we take a selfie?” a regular watcher of his games approached after the match. you know the girl, you've seen her too many times. you're even sure that even your boyfriend knows her already. she always asks for a picture after the game, like today. especially today. because itachiyama just won their match and will finally had the chance to claim the championship in the interhigh again after falling short last seasons.

sakusa eyes you, waiting for a response. you almost laughed before nodding at him. he didn't really have to do that. you really don't mind. but, you think its his way of giving respect for to you.

they took a selfie again and bid their thank yous after. kiyoomi immediately pulled himself out of the crowd to finally go to you, pulling you into a tight hug. he's fucking sweaty, but still smells like mint and fruit. you couldn't pinpoint what fruit. you just know that this perfume came from jo malone. his personal favorite.

“congrats, baby.” you whispered, pressing a kiss on his cheeks.

omi chuckled, placing a kiss on your forehead, “thank you, and thank you for watching. how was the admission exam?”

“i still don't know. results will be out in a month but i'm pretty confident. i reviewed a lot.” you answered. you came to the game after finishing a qualifying exam to tokyo university. if sakusa wants to build a career in volleyball, your dream was to build a career in medicine. two completely different paths, but you couldn't imagine going through it without him.

he nodded, “i'm sure you'll be accepted. it's you.”

“i hope so, omi.”

life was surely unpredictable... and cruel. that year, itachiyama failed to bring home the championship once again. kiyoomi wouldn't take it to heart for a long time, you know that. but with the results of the admission exam being released on the same day and figuring out that you did not get in to your dream university— that hurts him more.

seeing you sob quietly in your dorm as he hugs you tight. it hurts more for him.

sakusa knows the security he has with volleyball, that even if he failed today, that loss won't define his whole career after training so hard for years. as long as he did his best, he won't have any regrets. your situation was different. tokyo university is your childhood dream. you prepared your whole life for this. pulled all-nighters, drank tons of caffeine for examinations, wrote your reviewers until your hands calouses appears, tried to get all the extracurricular activities that could give you extra merits, and still... you failed.

kiyoomi doesn't know what to say. god, he's just equally heartbroken for you. he hates seeing you like this.

“do you want something to eat?” he finally gathered the courage to speak after you calmed down for a bit, “you haven't eaten your dinner, baby. tell me what you want, i'll go for a drive and come back immediately.”

“i am not hungry, kiyoomi.” you told him.

“even if you are not, it's bad to skip dinner without a proper diet. i'll get you something light and come back, is that okay?” he asked, yet tightens his hug around you, “i love you so much. you are amazing, and hardworking and i know that these words won't be able to comfort you right now. but i hope you know that i believe in you. i still believe in you. your dreams will still be possible,”

“it hurts so much...” you started tearing up again, “i worked so hard for it...”

“i know. i know, baby,” sakusa whispered, “i love you...”

“we won't be going to the same uni anymore, omi.” you told him. kiyoomi sakusa is being recruited to tokyo university's mens volleyball team. it would be perfect to attend the same school with him again. but this time, it would be impossible.

“that's nothing.” he answers, “nothing will change.”

with kiyoomi sakusa, everything felt easier. even if you feel horrible today, you know that you will feel better tomorrow with him around. he helps you in every single thing. breakfast, ironing, gym— which is his favorite thing to do back then, and even tying your shoelaces.

you were together at every stage of your lives. prom, graduation, graduation ball, his acceptance in tokyo university because of his outstanding performance in both academics and volleyball, your acceptance in osaka university. his mvp award at the japan national collegiate volleyball championship, his recruitment in msby black jackals.

“congrats, omi,” you chuckled, hugging him tight, “it's not a surprise but i am so proud of you.”

“you always say that it's not a surprise whenever i win something,” he chuckled.

“because it's not!” you said, “that's just japan's number one ace for you... doing his thing...” you cupped his cheeks, “i can't wait to watch you at the olympics. you'll be there sooner than you expected, i just know.”

kiyoomi held your hand a planted a soft kiss on your knuckles, bringing butterflies in your stomach as he whispers, “i'll marry you.”

silence embraced the two of you. you didn't know how to respond to that. you're unsure if that's just a spur of the moment statement or he actually meant it. sakusa stares back at your eyes, “i'll marry you, once you're ready.”

“you will?” you pulled youself together and smiled at him.

he nodded, “just watch, i will really marry you.”

“you can wait? let's say... for eight more years?” you asked. it was a joke, but it's not impossible considering the amount of time that you have to dedicate to become a doctor.

“i can wait for a hundred years and i won't change my mind, baby.” kiyoomi answered and smiled, “eight years is a piece of fucking cake. i do not care, as long as i will marry you after all of this.”

you believe him. because that's kiyoomi sakusa.

he never once failed you. always keeping his word, always running to you. even after a match, if he knows that you're on a graveyard shift for your internship, he will visit you just to give you food and coat. in which some of your colleagues giggled over. it's rare to see msby black jackals' most promising rookie.

you yawned, “thank you for coming today. i know you're tired from the game.”

“not anymore,” he chuckled, pulling you into a tight hug, “i hope you're taking care of yourself. you should sleep and eat properly, you big baby.”

“you too.” you chuckled, “and don't take atsumu seriously all the damn time, that's why he's always making fun of you,”

kiyoomi made a face, “wanna take you home...”

“i'm sorry, i have to finish my shift.” you hugged him tighter. you miss him too, so much, that it's killing you. the both of you have been very busy with you doing your internship and omi consistently training for his matches. you miss him so much. you want to go home with him too. you want to kiss him for the whole night and make love. but you have to prioritize your internship first.

“no need to apologize, i understand, baby.” he whispered.

being with omi is like sailing in a calm sea. there's no reason to be afraid because you know that whatever happens, you'll see each other home. at the end of the day, you'll take a peaceful sleep beside him, with his arms around you and making you feel safe. you'll welcome another cozy and lazy morning with him, brushing your teeth as a morning routine and showering butterfly kisses to each other.

kiyoomi tugs your bottom lip using his, chuckling at that before showering kisses on your neck. this is just another weekend where the both of you doesn't have anything to do and when he's bored, he does the most unbelievable things. like putting hickeys on your neck.

“kiyoomi!” you laughed, “i have work tomorrow...”

“stop talking about work.” he said, “kiss me.”

you reached for his nape, pulling him close and chuckling with him as your lips collided with his once again. kissing sakusa is like hearing fireworks. it's been years since your first kiss, but the effect it had on you is still the same. when he starts caressing your waist, igniting the flame even more, you know you'd end up under his mercy once again.

he loves hearing you call his name desparately, begging him to give you what you want. it is the only moment where you're reversed because kiyoomi knows that beyond all of this, he's always the one who will answer all of your whims. sometimes, he thinks that he's more head over heels for you and that's okay. he loves being head over heels for you. he loves being inlove with you.

every summer, you and kiyoomi would go to your favorite beach, spending a day or two beside the quiet shore. taking each other's pictures using your film camera. after that, you would take the film rolls and have it processed, putting it in a memory box you kept through the years.

“we have to buy a new box, kiyoomi,” you said, taking a look at your old photographs with him, “i remember this!”

“when was that?” sakusa asked, “oh! your fangirl phase!”

“suck it up, i was never your fangirl.” you told him and laughed, “everyone would go gaga over you in itachiyama but i am not one of them. i never understood the hype...”

he made a face towards you, “you're lucky.”

“you're luckier, i literally had a crush on inarizaki's captain back then and i still ended up with your lucky ass...” you chuckled, “let's get a new box next weekend.”

his eyebrows furrowed, “who the fuck?”

you burst out laughing at his reaction.

kiyoomi sakusa easily gets jealous. something you will never understand because you know that he knows that you will only ever love him. still, when you seem so close to his teammates, like miya atsumu, he will start feeling something hateful in his stomach.

one time, you visited kiyoomi in his training with the jackals and brought food for the whole team. they have a match with adlers next week, with hinata shoyo playing his game for the first time. you know hinata from high school, he made such an impression in his games but he's very different from your boyfriend who doesn't seem to approachable at first glance.

miya atsumu, on the other hand, ate the food you brought immediately, giving comments as if he's a professional food guru and bokuto came mocking him. it's easy to be friends with omi's teammates.

“omi-omi's not in a good mood!” until atsumu pointed that out again. you looked over to your boyfriend who has this annoyed look on his face, trying to make the volley ball hit the floor harder than what he usually does, when it hits the floor and it made such a loud thud, atsumu gasps, “calm the fuck down, sakusa! you're nasty!”

atsumu leans forward to your ear, “he's jealous.”

“right.” you chuckled and sighed, watching kiyoomi.

he ignored you all throughout, doesn't even spare you a glance once you reach home and went straight to bed after cleaning up. lying down, you tried to hug his waist but he pushed your hands away, “omi, i don't even know why you're so worked up.”

“ask miya, maybe he'd know since you're best friends with him.” he uttered, yawning.

“you're jealous of atsumu? come on, be serious!” you said, laughing, “atsumu? really?”

“shut up.” he firmly said, “i'm going to sleep.”

“so we are not gonna talk about this and go to sleep like this? okay,” you scoffed, “i visited you, not anyone else. i am trying to be friends with them because they are your friends too, omi. i'm sorry.”

you lied down, turning your back away from him as well. the shut up was a little harsh. you couldn't help but tear up a little because of the frustration. you know that sakusa can be quite a handful with his choice of words and you understand that it's a bit of a struggle for him to communicate but it's still hurts. he's not always like this but when he is, you know that he's seriously mad.

your tears quietly fell through your cheeks to your pillow. you hate fighting with kiyoomi. you hate enduring a cold night when it could've been warm with him beside you. you hate nights like this, and kiyoomi hates it just as much. so, he turns over and slowly hugged you.

“i'm sorry, that was mean.” he whispered, “god, i'm so petty... i'm so sorry, baby...”

you faced him, his lips parted when he saw a stain of tears beside your eyes. he immediately pulled you into a tight hug, “i'm sorry. i should've been more thankful that you took the time to visit us when—”

“no, no,” you immediately stopped him, “your feelings are valid too, baby.”

he sighed, “but it wasn't valid to be that rude. i'm sorry,”

kiyoomi is prideful. everyone knows that. he has a reason for that. but, when it comes to you, he will always fold and eventually give in.

the love you had for each other isn't perfect. in fact, it's the complete opposite. it's flawed, so flawed that the both of you endured so many things. the stagnant days, the worst days. days when you want to walk away, days when he wants to be alone. your love is so flawed and that's okay, because a perfect relationship is nonexistent. a perfect relationship is fictional.

your love is flawed, but you kept choosing each other everyday.

“i failed. again.”

“baby, it's okay. you can always try again. let's not get tired. you can still—”

“you don't understand, sakusa.” kiyoomi's ears rang as you call him again by his last name, he stared at your empty eyes, swollen from crying the whole day. he didn't know. fuck, he didn't know. he was busy with training and their coach took their phones away.

“baby, i know. but—”

“you do not understand because you never felt like a failure.” you said, “because you are good at everything you do. because your dreams are not dreams anymore, they are already your reality. you don't understand.”

“what do you mean, then?” he asks, “that i did not work hard for this? nothing was handed to me in a silver platter. i went to tokyo university because i worked hard for it. i was able to achieve shit because i worked hard for it! and i am not saying that you did not work hard for this just because you failed but please stop invalidating my hard work!”

tears started streaming down your face, “don't put words in my mouth.”

“i am tired of this,” he remarked.

“me too.” you answered back, catching his eyes.

but what happens when you stop choosing each other everyday? what happens if love isn't enough anymore? what happens if it gets too tiring? what happens it kiyoomi sakusa isn't in love with you anymore?

“what happened to us?” you whispered under your breath, in the silence of the apartment and his guilty eyes, kiyoomi shook his head, unable to answer the question. you looked at him. the curly haired boy who used to love you so much felt like a stranger.

it has been three months. three months of trying to make things work out for the sake of invested time and memories. three months of trying to feel his warmth, three months of trying to run after him, three months of trying to know him again. but each second and millisecond of those three months just felt like he's further drifting away.

“there's someone else, right?” you asked.

he shuts his eyes and the silence answered you. oh my fucking god, it hurts. you don't even know how much it hurts, but it hurts, nonetheless. it hurts so much that you felt it in your veins, in your bones. it hurts so much because you already knew— this is over. and he's just waiting for you to walk away so he doesn't have to.

you stood up, “i'll... be going.”

“where? baby...” fuck you. your hands are shaking as you look at him again in disbelief. sakusa stands up, looking at you again, “i can leave instead—”

“no, this is your apartment. i'll leave.” you firmly said. silence embraced the two of you again and you wished for this to end already. it's too much, too much. you turned your back and immediately took the things you could for the meantime. sakusa waits in the sala.

your sobs became more clear when you saw the memory box below the bed. all of this... just to end it so horribly. all of this... just for it to be nothing. all of this... just for him to kiss another woman just because you're in a slump. all of this... just for him to fell out of love.

and there's nothing you can do.

was it your fault? was it his fault? was it anyone's fault? was it because of the things you said after failing the licensure examination? you were unsure. because you're sure as hell that no matter what the fuck is his reason, you do not deserve this bullshit.

maybe you make things complicated. maybe it was just a simple equation after all.

because maybe, sakusa kiyoomi just really fell out of love.

“i'm sorry,” he whispered once you went out of the room, preparing to really leave this apartment where you built your dreams together, “i'm really really sorry.”

you looked at him, “what went wrong, omi?”

he shuts his eyes tightly, before looking at yours again, “i don't love you anymore.”

#sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa fluff #sakusa x you #sakusa x reader #sakusa imagines #haikyuu!! #sakusa angst #angst #haikyuu angst #sakusa haikyuu #msby fluff #msby sakusa #msby headcanons #msby x y/n #msby x reader #kiyoomi sakusa #hq sakusa

[wabblebees]

.

#iiiim gonna fucking cry. fuck. goddamnit. fuck me. i hate this #i just woke up at my desk in the middle of my last class ((which!! is the exam!!)) with a certain professor that i adore and already felt #like i disappointed last semester. #im so fucking TIRED and im so damn upset idk what to DO. do i show up to the last 15 minutes when i KNOW i dont umderstand what the quiz is #supposed to be on? do i apologise and beg to be allowed supplemental/make up quiz time?? i love this damn class but i missed the last two #periods we had in person bc of covid scares and so i meant to ask him for a make-up period anyway but now i feel like i disqualified myself #from that kind of help bc i fucked up EVERYTHING AGAIN. FUCK. #we were supposed to have a review day on tuesday to ask questions + shit but he had to cancel for medical reasons and was just gonna do the #review before the exam today. im so. im. fucking hell #i hate this i hate everything im so yired and falling asleep didnt even help. i didnt even go to the class before this one today!!! bc i was #fucking late!! and that sent me into a damn panic attack where i just hid in the fucking bathroom for the rest of the hiur!! AGAIN #so i was drained on top of not sleeping at all bc i was working on shit all night. again. again. againagainagain #none of this is an excuse bc its all all all still my fault and im. fucked. im fucked!! ive been trying so fucking hard all semestre and ive #never managed to catch up or even be on a reasonable/understandable/allowable level of behind -- so i just look like im not trying bc im!! #here!! im still fucking here!! panicking abt it wonderfing wtf to do. instead of doing ANYTHING helpful at ALL. so any chance of fixing it #has probably long slipped away while i sit here hyperventilating!!!!! fuck!!!!! #g o d fucking DAMNIT i just want to SLEEP and talk to my FRIENDS and see my fucking PARTNER and REMEMBER HOW TO BE A DAMN HUMAN PERSON again #i dont know how im going to manage that when im drowning in work and the second things started to feel more manageable ((BECAUSE i spoke to #my friends for the first time in months. BECAUSE i saw my partner for like 30 minutes on tuesday instead of going to the class that makes me #panic. BECAUSE i had enough of a full-body shut-down reset reboot rest when i passed out under my desk and got more than 45 minutes of #half-sleep half-dissociative breakdown that i felt less like a confused anxious sad zombie and more like a person yesterday.)) #all of those 'hey this might not be as bad as i was afraid it was' manageable feelings fucking VANISHED bc i keep getting handed unintended #consequences!! unwanted and unexpected results of things i THOUGHT were fine choices in the moment but!! here i am!! here i fucking am!! #im so sorry this is so spirally im just. i literally dont know what to do at this point bc the idea of begging this particular professor for #anything rn feels like im taking advantage of how kind and accepting they are - especially after how my last semestre with them ended oh god #ohhh god. i felt so overwhelmed and out of it and disappointed in myself for not understanding the final that i wrote a full-ass apology #on the back of my final examn for that class ((saying stuff like'ik how wrong + terrible this is; this is not a reflection of your teaching #ability or my care abt this course bc i really do love this class and feel ive learned a lot but i just cannot for the life of me do any #better than this rn im so sorry)) and whrn i tell you this man is an angel ohhh my god. he was sooo kind about it and sooo understanding and #to pull p much the same bullshit this semestre makes me feel ATROCIOUS. bc i rly rly thought i was going to do better and i was rly excited

[vogue1994]

The bully I fell in love with - Choi Yeonjun

TW: mention of self harm? Bullying, physical harassment, yelling, curse words, Yeonjun degrades Y/n a lot... Yeonjun is an all around ass, fluffy ending, lots of angst!

Choi Yeonjun, you'd expect him to be the bad boy, or the fuck boy, or anything other than the schools smartest kid.

He's got the looks, the brains, and the charms. He can basically get anyone to do anything for him. And at one point, he had me in the palm of his hand. It only lasted a month until he did turn into a fuckboy... let's just say after things broke off with Yeonjun he also kind of bullied me for a year straight after that... with all of his friends.. it's been a year since that though, so, I guess it doesn't matter.

'Please I'm desperate, I really really want to graduate I know it didn't look like that last year but I'll do anything to bring my grades up! Seriously anything!' I begged my counselor. I was desperate to pass my final year of highschool, I wanted to because I realized the benefits of an education, plus college seems like fun.

'Alright Y/n, why don't we start off with finding you a tutor, the school can provide you with one or you can find one on your own, either way it'll cost some money, but with the school it should be significantly cheaper.'

'School! I'll look for one with the school, please give me your best tutor... please.'

My counselor smiled at me, I really don't know why but she did, I smiled back.

'Okay well the good thing is I already notified him and he's on his way right now!'

My smile dropped.

Him?

Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!! Was all I could think while HE walked through the God damn door.

'You asked to see me?' He asked the counselor. He looked straight at her, then at me... I immediately looked away.

'Yes! Yeonjun sit down please.' She gestured to the seat next to me. God I hate this.

'What's going on?' He asked concerned.

'Well Y/n here needs a tutor. In fact she needs our BEST tutor in order to help her pass this year... she's desperate to do so.' She whispered that last part out. I made a face in reaction to her not so subtle diss towards me.

'And you are one of our best, if there's anyone who can help her out of this mess it's you.'

'Is that so?' Yeonjun asked with a smirk, looking straight at me while I tried my best to look away.

------------

I sat down in the library waiting for Yeonjun to show up. Fuck this is the actual worst thing ever. Like EVER. Seriously?! Why did I have to be tutored by someone who humiliated me daily a year ago... someone set me up... Or the universe just hates me.

'Hey.' He said softly, sitting down next to me with a few textbooks. I didn't say anything back I just looked at the textbooks.

Okay look I was never a bad student, I'd actually do pretty decent if I wasn't so behind right now, and the only reason I was behind was cause of the torment and trauma I was put through by Yeonjun.

I was still getting over all of it, I was still trying to get back on my feet. It's kind of hard whenever your told how ugly, stupid, and useless you are daily for such a long time. You end up believing it for a while. Needless to say, Choi Yeonjun really fucked me up...

'Hello?! Earth to Y/n? Did you do the homework?' He asked me as I snapped out of my thoughts.

'What? What homework?'

'You were assigned homework today in physics... don't tell me you didn't do it.'

I rolled my eyes at him.

'It's been an hour since school ended can you relax?' I shot back. Clearly irritated with him.

'Whatever just take it out so I can help your dumbass with it.'

I scoffed at his comment and took it out. I decided to bite my tongue and not say anything back, in fear things will just get worse if I do.

------------

It was the third week of tutoring with Yeonjun. It was normal, my grades were better and he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary happened, but he definitely degraded me every single time I got a question wrong.

Today I had an exam and I needed Yeonjuns help right before, like I really needed it.. I ran to the commons, I knew he was there with all of his friends and I asked him for help.

'Who are you?' Yeonjun asked with a smirk. The boys behind him started laughing as well.

'Seriously Yeonjun... don't do this right now I actually need help..' I quietly said.

'I don't know who you are,,, why would I help you? Fucking weirdo.'

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

'Great so im just gonna fail todays exam cause you won't help me. So much for being the schools best tutor you're just an asshole.' I shot back, walking away and before I knew it he grabbed my wrist forcing me to look at him.

'Don't you dare speak to me like that again, understood?' He whispered angrily through gritted teeth, his grip on me becoming much stronger, and much worse.

'Yeonjun let go you're hurting me!' I whispered trying to get out of his grip.

'Apologize.' He said. I stared at him for a moment, the tension between us getting stronger.

'No.'

He pulled me forward, making sure we were now chest to chest.

'You're going to fucking regret saying that.' He whispered, his grip got tighter, now I'm sure there was going to be a horrible red mark left on my hand.

'Now apologize.'

I couldn't take the pain he was inflicting upon me.

'Fine! I'm sorry.' I whispered out as a tear fell.

He finally let go and I pushed him away from me, running as quick as I could. A few tears rolled down my face as I checked on my wrist.

Yup. Just as I assumed. Bruised.

Once I got my test results back I felt sick. Of course, I failed.

Yeonjun made me show him the result and all he did was sigh and say 'Y/n... you are such a disappointment, do you seriously need me every time you take a stupid fucking test? Are you so dumb that you can't do it on your own?'

'Can you stop?' I asked him.

'No! Get it through your head! I don't want to always be here!'

'And I don't want you to always be here either! You've made my life a living hell for God knows how long and I don't even know why! I get that I'm an easy target but can you please just cut me a break?! I'm in this mess because of you!'

'How are your bad grades my fault?' He asked crossing his arms in front of his chest furrowing his eyebrows.

'Hello did you just fucking forget the bullying you put me through a year ago? You didn't stop until senior year started Yeonjun! It affected my studies like crazy for fucks sake I became so depressed I almost-' I stopped my self from saying too much. He didn't need to know all of the details.

'What Y/n? You almost what?' He mocked, trying to get it out of me.

'Nothing just... leave it alone, and please just be my tutor, help me when I need help with my studies, please.' I begged him, trying to shift the conversation.

He sighed and nodded his head giving me a small 'whatever.'

------------

It had been 2 months since Yeonjun started tutoring me and nothing bad happened since that last incident. He didn't bring up any of the stuff he did to me last year, and kind of kept his cool while tutoring me, he does kind of degrade me but there's not much I can do about it, besides I don't really give a shit since he's actually somewhat helpful.

As I sat in my chair and talked to my beloved boyfriend Theo, of six months I noticed something. He was being so dry..

Theo:

Yeah.

Me:

What's wrong?

Theo:

Nothing.

Me:

Why are you being so dry? Did I do something?

Theo:

Nah.

Me:

That's not very convincing...

Theo:

K.

Theo:

Okay... text me when you're feeling better I guess.

READ 6:44 PM

I sighed and put my phone down. What the hell is going on with him?

Yeonjun:

We have a studying session @ 7. Do not be late.

Me:

I'm already there

READ 6:45 PM

I rolled my eyes and went onto Instagram, and I noticed Theo posted something.

My eyes widened as I saw him laughing and smiling with another girl... he was holding her hand, kissing her cheek, making her laugh... all as if he wasn't my boyfriend two seconds ago? It was just posted on top of that. I felt my stomach fucking turn, my eyes became glossy, I noticed he posted another story and that's when my heart shattered.

He posted a video of her 'accidentally' kissing him and he just.. went for it. I wanted to throw up. My throat became dry, tears were dripping out of my eyes at this point... what the hell. Why is some sick cruel and twisted joke being played on me right now? This is exactly how I felt when I was being bullied by Yeonjun.

I couldn't help the little whimpers and cried that escaped my lips. My world of six months was cheated on me and my chest started to physically hurt.

'Y/n?' I heard someone say from behind me. I quickly wiped all of my tears away and turned around.

'When did you get here?' Yeonjun asked me.

'Um, a few minutes ago.'

'Ok good, take out your test review for algebra, i need to check it, your test is on Monday.'

I nodded my head and took it out. I handed it to Yeonjun and stared into space as he started to check it.

He made a bunch of faces here and there and that just added onto the shitty way I was feeling.

'Y/n what the hell? I taught you all of this shit a day ago! Why couldn't you get these simple fucking questions right? Are you that damn stupid? Seriously why is it not fucking clicking?' He started to degrade me once again. This was too humiliating. My eyes became glossy as I just sat there and took it, even though I couldn't.

'Are you gonna fucking answer me or just sit there and cry like a damn baby?'

I didn't say anything, I just let the tears fall.

'Y/n fucking answer me! Are you seriously so fucking stupid you cant even talk now?'

'STOP!' I screamed out loud, standing up slamming my fist on the table, making heads turn.

'Just fucking STOP Yeonjun! I cant fucking take this shit right now! Seriously what did I even DO TO YOU that's making you treat me this HORRIBLY?'

'You existed.' He said back with zero emotion. I looked at him with pure pain and suffering in my eyes.

This. This was my breaking point. I snatched the review out of his hand and picked my bag up, taking my things and exiting out of the library. As soon as I reached the steps I thanked God no one was out here. I just broke down, crying my eyes out, sobbing horribly loud.

Why is this my life? My bully is my fucking tutor, I was practically failing senior year, my boyfriend is cheating on me and flaunting about it on social media.. I mean can it get ANY WORSE?

I guess I spoke to soon because it just had to start fucking pouring, and my dad wouldn't be able to pick me up for another hour.

The universe really does hate me.

I continued to cry on the steps, eyes closed shut as my chest was still infused with pain and heartbreak.

Maybe I am too dumb. Maybe I deserve to be cheated on. Maybe I deserve to be bullied... maybe I just don't deserve happiness.

With in a moment I felt the rain stop, and I looked up, someone had put an umbrella over my head. I quickly turned around to see Yeonjun.

'What are you doing?' I asked him softly.

'I'm sorry.' I heard, or at least I think I heard it. The next thing I knew I was in his car, and he was taking me home.

Before I could exit he grabbed my arm.

'Y/n... really I'm sorry.'

'It's fine.' I whispered and left.

------------

The next day I walked the halls of school with zero emotion upon my face. I was walking to my next lunch period until a bunch of screaming voices caught my ear.

'WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT TO Y/N?! HUH YOU FUCKING PUSSY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HER!!' I heard coming from one of the hallways. Quickly I ran toward the noise. A group of people surrounded Yeonjun and my now- ex boyfriend.

'Why the hell do you suddenly care about Y/n huh? Weren't you the one who BULLIED her for a year straight!' Theo yelled as Yeonjun held him up by his collar against the locker. Yeonjun looked at him with growing anger and pain in his eyes. He genuinely looked like he was about to kill Theo. With in a moment they both noticed I was standing right there.

'Y-Y/n.' Theo stuttered.

'Hey baby.' He said getting out of Yeonjuns grip and tried walking up to me.

I quickly pushed him back.

'Don't touch me.' I quietly said.

'Baby... come on..' he said and cupped my face but his touch felt disgusting to me.

'Don't touch me Theo!' I cried and pushed his touch off of me.

'Y/n..' he softly coo'd as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my hand.

'Theo let go!' His grip became tighter. I could feel all eyes on us.

'Y/n.' He said sternly. As if I was some little girl who needed to listen to him.

'Theo I'm serious let go!' Tears started to fall as his grip tightened and I let out a cry.

'S-stop you're hurting me!'

Before I knew it Theo was thrown onto the ground and Yeonjun was on top of him, throwing punches to Theo's face left and right.

'She. Said. Don't. Fucking. Touch. Her!!' He screamed in between punches. With another second Yeonjuns friends pulled him off Theo so that way he wouldn't end up killing him. I became a crying mess as it was all so overwhelming.

My vision was blurred from my tears but I could feel someone come up to me and wrap their arms around me, pulling me into their embrace. I wrapped my own arms around them as I cried into their chest.

'You're ok now I promise.' I heard Yeonjuns voice whisper and he left a small kiss on my forehead.

------------

It had been a good hour since the incident and I was now home, with Yeonjun who had a cut up hand...

We were in my bathroom, trying to treat his wounds from all of the punches he attacked Theo with.

I gently used an alcohol wipe to clean his wounds. I could feel his hand tense but he didn't make a single noise. I gently blew on it to try and see if that would get rid of the burning sensation I'm sure he was experiencing in this moment.

'I'm sorry.' I whispered softly, trying to break the silent tension.

'What do you have to be sorry for?' Yeonjun quietly asked.

'Well- it burns right?'

'That's not your fault, Beautiful .'

My eyes widened at the Nick name. Beautiful? That's what he's calling me now? He started smirking because of the way I was staring at him.

'If you like the view so much you should take a picture it'll last longer.' He teased with a smile.

I stopped staring as my cheeks started to heat up.

I went back to working on his hands and I applied the wound cream as well as the bandages, just for the gashes that looked like they needed them...

'Are you okay?' I asked him not looking away from his hands.

'I'm fine, even better since you patched me up.'

I was caught so off guard... where was this sudden kindness coming from?

'Yeonjun why are you being so nice?' I asked quietly.

'I.. I just realized I put you through a lot of stuff that you didn't deserve, I don't know why I did that stuff to you on top of that, I guess it was cause I have had a crush on you for so long and I didn't know how to show my affection towards you other than by... hurting you.'

I was taken back.

Where did the sudden confession come from?

'What? You have a crush on me?' I asked him as he stared down at his hands.

I looked at Yeonjun face. He looked ashamed, humiliated. A look i thought I'd never see on him of all people.

'Yes.. Y/n I've always had a crush on you. Ever since freshman year when I would see you confidentially walk those halls, and then sophomore year I didn't know how to act after you tried to become my friend, that instead of doing that I just ended up becoming your bully and I- it was so evil of me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't know how to control my feelings. Please forgive me Y/n, please. I'll never hurt you again. Ever.'

'Yeonjun I-'

'Please.' He choked out, he was starting to cry. I pulled him into a hug as he cried against my shoulder and wrapped his wounded hands around back. I let mine softly stroke his dark head of hair.

'I forgive you.' I whispered.

I could feel him pull me closer and tighter in response as he cried against my shoulder. His soft whimpers soon became the only sound in the room as I tried to comfort him.

'Thank you.' He whispered back.

#txt angst #txt fluff #txt yeonjun #txt #tomorrow x tomorrow #tomorrow by together #choi yeonjun fluff #choi yeonjun #choi yeonjun angst #angst with a happy ending

[hermeysdentalequipment]

Yall, I fucking hate our healthcare out here where I live.

I have a great general practitioner and she needed to refer me to a gyno. If I go outside the hospital system she's in, Ill play hell getting that referral to the doctor it needs to get to. So, I agree to stay in the system. I just met the woman for the first time today and geez.

The nurse reviewing my medical stuff didnt even see that I had just had an exam done 3 weeks prior and was prepared to do it again. Keep in mind, its all in the same computer system, no requesting or transferring records. I bring this up and shes like "Oh, I probably shouldve checked that first." Ya think??

Then, the gyno comes in and we discuss birth control options. I am currently on one method and I want to switch to another because of health risk reasons associated with my current med. She looked at me like I was crazy and gave me contradicting information about the risks of the med, going against my general practitioner, the one perscribing it to me. Thats fine and all, only if I didnt already do my own research and know my general practioner was right and the gynos information put me at more risk.

Then, shes trying to find another reason for me wanting to change and says to me "Well, most women want to switch because this med can cause weight gain and moodiness" Heres the bit yall: I weigh about 270 pounds and am about 5'7". I dont look little. How fucking rude! Not only that, but there are a HOST of other potential side effects and you choose to mention those to me?! Thanks, asshole.

Then, she tells me she needs to check me for STIs. I recently had an exam where, due to my lack of sexual activity, they chose not to test for them. I dont mind getting tested in the slightest, but I tried asking why they didnt do it and why it needed to be done today. I just wanted some answers since I know Im not an expert on these things. She tells me "Oh, yeah, I dont know why they didnt do it. We do them for everyone here. I totally believe what youve told me about your sexual activity, but Ive been duped before, so we like to make sure" That is the WORST way to word that answer. Thanks for accusing me of lying to you TO MY FACE. I understand the reasoning behind it, but the lack of consideration for the patients feelings was really unnecessary.

Thesres a few more rude red flags that she's not really listening to me, like not taking no for an answer when discussing birth control options until the fourth time and not paying attention to what I said my cycle was in relation to our next scheduled appointment, but the final big thing I didnt like was the physical exam. She wasnt very gentle and didnt seem to consider how uncomfortable I am, despite me making noise and clenching my muscles. And, right before it started, she brought in a lady I didnt recognize and didnt introduce her until after she had left and I was about to leave the office. She knows Im a new patient and shes about to show off my vagina to anyone in the room. It would be fucking nice to know whos taking a look.

What a goddamn mess, I fucking hate it here. I was treated like a woman, not a person. I know this is pretty common, but this is why Ive avoided the gyno for this long.

#gyno #gynocology #bad doctor visit #this was the only place Ive been treated like someone less than who I am #i was more a patient or number than a person #how inattentive #obgyn

[yourlocalblairwaldorf]

honestly FUCK my math teacher

i have never once cried over a grade so hard before today

i KNOW that there is no way in heaven or hell that i got a grade this bad in my preliminary exam i worked my ass off for it

and he's refusing to let us review our papers? what bullshit school system is this

all the other grades have a good math teacher who gives grades in the proper manner but this man is literally so fucking pathetic and he's new! how can they give a new teacher with practically no real life interaction with the students to such an important grade that too during e learning

im so sick of this

god i cant wait for the state checked examinations with proper grading

when I'll score an A in that exam I'll actually throw the marksheet in his pathetic annoying face

#he actually is such a bad teacher #im so sick of this shit #i want my old math teacher #she was so kind and helpful #this entitled ass man just speaks to like 3 kids in the entire class and doesn't know how to teach properly #honestly fuck this class #fuck this school #fuck everything #i know i can do amazing in the final state checked examinations

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-