#remember how u were talking about lilly having to hear all the shit people say about john? clarice is definitely one of those people

[debtsunpaid]

@asteritm / continued from here

party pooper. oh hey clarice, it's nice to hear from you! how are you? how's life? i'm doing really well, thanks for asking! crunch anything tasty lately? party pooper. drop the first t in texting, throw in an s actually. and he's still getting the hang of it but he can't get better without practice you know. what better time to do it when he's supposed to be paying attention? party pooper. — on a scale of one to five, how bad is it? one being distracted but functioning and five being cannot carry a conversation to save his life? i have to know, for record keeping purposes, and then yes — i might give him some breathing room. do you know how fun it is to drive a man a little insane with a picture or two? i bet you do, one way or the other. party pooper. whatcha talking about? anything fun?

[sms] handle with caution. gods, you even text the same. no wonder you two fuck like rabbits, it must be like screwing a mirror for him. not to impugn your good looks by comparison, darling — and of course, i'm delighted that you're well. how goes your training in ... whatever it is he claims to be teaching you? CS.

[sms] handle with caution. yes, yes, i'm well aware of the context. and the contents. and his password, much to his dismay. artfully posed, by the way; what i wouldn't give to have your body. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. oh please, child. it's the easiest game in the world. with men, you'll reach the madhouse long before you could ever hope to reach the truth, every time. and no, i cannot think of anything i would rather do less than rate the depths of john constantine's lust, thank you ever so much for asking. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. business of course, what else? although that particular discussion seems to have effectively stalled, at present, thank you again. as much delightful nostalgia and secondhand embarrassment as i'm finding in the ... sordid details of your extracurricular activities, need i point out, to you of all people, that it would be far more professional to get it on on your own time? rather than, for example, mine? CS.

[sms] handle with caution. [IMG ATTACHMENT] besides, your man here is already averaging a 3.5 over little more than a tasteful glimpse of cleavage and a quarter-body shot — i'm sure you can do better than that. than him, for that matter. CS.

[sms] handle with caution. i know, i know, dreadful of me. and i did say i wouldn't pry. the heart wants what it wants, i suppose, regardless of such ... trivial hurdles as simple rational thought. i can relate to that, at least, but i do wish you'd let me set you up with at least one of the more ... lucrative matches on hand. after all, even if it didn't pan out, it couldn't hurt to keep up at least an appearance of availability, in your position, hm? CS.

#asteritm #clarice (a vampire of youthful essence): what i wouldn't GIVE to have your body #me (laughing nervously): like. like figuratively orrr...... #also this woman wrote 'i'm delighted' with a completely straight face i just need to put that out there for posterity's sake #god i LOVE writing this nasty bitch already but the end of every sentence feels so SLIMY!!! #remember how u were talking about lilly having to hear all the shit people say about john? clarice is definitely one of those people #although whether she does it to provoke a reaction or because she actually despises him......who can say really. definitely not john #clarice vc: i've all but adopted you already girlie and now you want to make JOHN CONSTANTINE my SON IN LAW? EUGH. #(2nd tinier clarice vc: if you're not as serious about him as he is about you? i'm coming after you. teehee) #CLARICE TXT. ( a death defier hanging on a burning tether line. ) #CLARICE V.01. ( HELLBLAZER. ) #CLARICE ARC 01. ( THE BLOODY CONSTANTINES. ) w. ( asteritm & talentforlying. )

[futurewriter2000]

Seeker’s luck (James Potter x reader)

A/N: So I finished this imagine, which I kinda feel a bit insecure about. I really hope you like it because I fixed it and rewrote it so many times. (requests are open).

Requested by @harrypotterlovi : Hi so yoy asked for request and I have one you want to make it .One with James Potter where you are a amazing gryffindor quidditch player and after the practise he sees u changing clothes and he 's like really awkard and he admits his feelings out of blue.

Xx

It was early in the morning and you heard a big rucus coming from another end of your room. You groaned of anger and rolled over your bed. 'Just a minute of sleep. One minute is all I ask for. It's Saturday.' you tried to comfort yourself and prayed to fall back asleep.

The what you thought was possible was impossible, so you quickly gave up and looked at your clock. "7.30." you mumbled. You laid on your back and streched your arms. You looked at the ceiling, still listening to Lilly's and Marlene’s usual arguments about borrowing clothes. "Wait a minute." you said quietly as you sat up and looked at the clock again. You took out your Remembrall, your mom bought you, and looked at it. The ball turned red and now you were certain you forgot something. 'But what?' You wondered, meanwhile playing with the ball hoping to get an answer from it. " Useless, stupid Remembrall." you said angrly and threw it on your Quidditch uniform. And then it hit you. "7.30! Quidditch!" you shouted across the room and quickly got up. You searched your warderobe for some fresh clothes but as any other girls problem "I have nothing to wear!" You stood in the middle of the room, still a bit confused since you just woke up. You looked over to your nightstand and saw the clothes you worn yesterday. You put them on, not even bothering to brush your teeth or your hair and ran down to the Great hall to see the whole team gathered around the table and eating breakfast.

"How is it that every day, when we have practice you are always late, (y/l/n)." said James not even bothering to turn around.

"I'm sorry James. I totally forgot about it. There was this argument in the room, Lily and Marlene..." you tried to explain but he turned around with a wide grinn across his face and his mouth full of powered donuts.

"I don't want to hear your excuses." he said overdramatically. He walked towards you and started waving his donut. "See I knew you would be late, so I asked dear old Minnie if we can just have it around 9.00 and she agreed." he then turned around and walked over the table again. He took a bite of his donut, leaving traces of the powder all over his lips. "I just told you it was at 8.00 because of your amazing punctuality." he said, showing his usual sarcasm.

" That's....actually pretty smart." you said, feeling what you thought was rage slowly disappear into thin air.

He turned back around, that stupid grinn still plastered on his face and full of donut powder. "I know. I mean look at me. I'm the smartest and the most intelligent student here. " He boasted and patted the seat next to him. "Sit, my lovely, always-so- punctual Chaser."

"Yeah right. Tell that to proffesor Slughorn and your exploading Girding potion." You chuckled and sat down next to him.

Before you grabbed yourself a plate you took another look at your captain. He was laughing with the others, his hazel eyes beautifully matching his black messy hair. His tight T-shirt showing his strong shoulders, leading down to his biceps and big hands, that would perfectly fit with yours. You quickly shook your head. 'He's James Potter. Stop checking him out in front of everybody.' you warned yourself, feeling a small rush on your cheeks. You took another look at him and as you were observing his hair you noticed white dust spread all over them. "Do you have donut powder on your hair?" you asked him.

He looked over to you and the whole team started to crack up. "I don't know. Let's see." he smiled before shaking his head and spreading the powder everywhere. He stopped shaking it and looked at you again. "Guess it was."

"You are so weird." you giggled before stuffing yourself some eggs and bacon.

---

You walked on the pitch, brooms in your hands and ready to practice. The whole team was still teasing James because of his donut powder and you were walking in front of them. James ran over to you and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. The guys behind you started whistling and tease the two of you. "Looks like our Seeker is seeking for love." said one of them earning a middle finger from James.

"They are never going to forget this. Why did you have to point it out?" he asked.

"I will answer you if you tell me how in hell did you get donut powdef on your hair." you answered.

"Touché." he said as you walked in the middle of the pitch. "So are you ready?"

You took his arm off your shoulder and started walking backwards. "I was born ready, baby."

He chuckled and clapped his hands together. "Okay team! Next week we have our first match! Ravenclaw vs Gryffindor! " everybody started cheering. "A lot of people think Ravenclaws are not that good. But they are smart! But of course not as smart as me." he started to boast again. "Anyway. I observed them at their practice and please do not ask how. I saw they have a new Chaser. She's good. She's really good, which makes them really good. So everyday till the match, we will train and we will work as twice as hard and twice as much! Do you copy!"

A loud cheer came from the team and James suddenly turned to you. You walked over to him and ruffled his hair, barely standing on your tiptoes. " Don't worry Potter. We got this."

He turned his head, your eyes meeting and a weird feeling appeared in your stomach. You quickly let go of him and backed away. "I am not worrying. I have the best Chaser in Hogwarts." he smiled and sent you flirty wink.

---

The practice went great. You scored more than 60 points until James caught the Snitch. Few Bludgers almost knocked you off your broom but you survived. You quickly gained back your balance and continued the game. After the whole morning and afternoon of Bludgers, Quaffles and brooms, you finally finished and went down to the changing rooms. Since you were the only girl on the team, you always waited for the whole team to change first before you started undressing. You took off your sweaty uniform and fixed your ponytail.

James just left the changing room but felt like something was missing. He stopped for a moment only to remember he forgot his broom. "Oi, guys. I forgot my broom, meet you at the common room!" he yelled just before he ran back into the changing room. He walked in looking for his broom and he found you instead. You were only in your bra and panties and was just about to put your sweaty clothes in your bag. He couldn't say a word, only observe how you slowly put on your tanktop and brushed a dry towel over your skin. He knew he liked you and he knew that what he was doing right now wasn't right but he just couldn't take his eyes off of you. You were just so perfect. After you spent the whole afternoon training, you didn't show any sign of exhaustion. You simply glowed.

You put a shirt over your tanktop and suddenly felt a strange feeling like someone was watching you. You turned your head only to see gorgeous hazel eyes observing every inch of your body. There was a strong silence, where the two of you were just looking at eachother.

James tried to create a sentence, but how could he do that when he forgot every single word in his vocabulary. "Uh..er..." he tried to speak, but his tounge was tied.

You put on your trainer and crossed your arms. "Drooling much?" you smirked at him.

"Uh...I-I forgot my-my-my broom. I just went to-to come and get it." he stuttered. "I swear I-I didn't mean to stare." he looked away while you took your jacket and put it on.

"Is the James Potter stuttering?" you teased him. "I didn't think that was possible."

"I-I mean I don't usually stutter but you know I saw you and you were so beautiful. I somehow forgot how to blink and you know I-I am..."

You felt a tingle in your belly again. The same tingle you felt before. You stood up and slowly walked over. "You-you think I'm beautiful?" you said quietly.

"Well of course, why do you think I had a crush on you for the last 4 years." he blurted out and stopped talking. He felt his cheeks heat up and he quickly turned away. "You weren't supposed to know that."

You were honestly caught off-guard. How could you not be. The James Potter had a 4 year lasting crush on you and you had no clue. It was your turn to say something, but the words just got lost.

"Oh, Merlin." he said, running his fingers through his hair. He then glanced at you and started pacing left and right. "Here goes nothing." he mumbled quetly before turning against you and fixing his posture. He took a deep breath in. " (y/n). Since I already blurted my feelings and probably ruined our friendship at least let me tell it properly. I fell in love with you from the moment you got on that broom and knocked me off mine. Litterally. You have the most amazing personality and the fact that you oversleep most of our practices makes me like you even more. I love seeing you smile and laugh, even if the joke is on me. You brighten my day with your bad jokes and when you come to class or to practice late with your unbrushed (y/h/c) hair, put up into a messy ponytail you still look beautiful. " he spoke without even trying to breathe. He took your hands and another deep breath. "So, I know it's a long shot but... (Y/n) will you go on a date with me?"

You were...you were...I mean even I don't know how to explain this but you were taken back. "Holy shit." was all that you could say.

He was confused. What was that supposed to mean?Did you like him? Do you want to go on a date with him? Did he just ruin everything? What?! He needed a proper amswer.

You looked a way for a moment, still shocked of what just happened. 'James Potter just asked me out.'

You looked back at his hazel eyes, which were searching for an answer. He tried to figure out what you were thinking and after a while, when he saw you smile, he felt relieved. You looked down to your hands, which were holding his and chuckled. This boy just poured out his deepest feelings for you. The boy who you thought as your friend for so long, until today when you got that weird feeling in your stomach. The feeling that you actually liked and the same feeling you are feeling right now. You looked up and smiled. "I like you too. I would love to go on a date with you, James Potter."

#james potter x reader #james potter #james potter imagine #marauders imagine #marauders #marauders era #the marauders

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic

I was talking to an online friend on Twitter not too long ago, and the subject of bad fanfiction came up. My friend had been reading “My Immortal” and losing his shit over it. I asked if he’d read “Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen” and it turned out he had not. He’d never even heard of it.

Indeed, while this story is one of the best-known badfics out there, it’s still considerably less popular than “My Immortal” is, and I think that’s a damn shame. This may be my personal favorite work of bad fanfiction; it’s a fantastic example of the “so bad it’s good” genre. Author BeckyMac666 writes like no other English-language writer has ever written, and this is both a good and a bad thing. She’s almost certainly a troll, given the blatant use of established badfic tropes and several parallels with “My Immortal,” but when you’re this good at being terrible it really doesn’t matter how serious you are about it.

For the record, there are folks who believe that this fic and “My Immortal” share an author, due to the aforementioned parallels. I personally don’t think that’s true, since the prose is very different, but if it amuses you to imagine that they’re written by the same person, be my guest.

Like virtually all Twilight badfic, this story is about a mysterious new girl arriving in Forks and shaking up Bella and Edward’s relationship by creating a love triangle. As usual, Bella is made out to be completely awful in the process, Jacob is largely forgotten about, and the protagonist may not be entirely human herself. This is far weirder, and more entertaining, than your average shitty Twilight fanfiction, though. Mark my words.

I first MSTed this fanfiction back on the old WordPress version of this blog, but, as that was a long time ago and I like to think I’m funnier nowadays, I rewrote most of my comments. It’s not wildly different, but hopefully it is an improvement over the old version.

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time!

I have no idea what the unedited version of this thing looked like, but I honestly can’t imagine it being any more ridiculous than the final story.

btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok !

Use spellcheck, you fool! Or get a proofreader!

no critisism pls!

Oops.

tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL!

The Tara parallel here is probably intentional. Zac never gets mentioned again, much like Tara’s boyfriend, but Tiffi isn’t Becky’s beta reader and they don’t have a spat partway through or anything of that sort.

EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!)

Honestly, I think this is how all fanfiction should open. Just tell me straight-up what character you wanna bang before the story’s even started. Save us all some time.

love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

Aww. That’s kinda cute.

UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!)

Yeah, Vickie, thank you. Looks like you’re doing a great job and you’ve got everything under control here.

i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.

Since this fic got “abandoned,” subsequent chapters have not actually been improved. Not that one can tell, anyway.

Altantiana

Yes, that is a typo of her OC’s name. Off to a great start.

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).

Virtually no one calls her Tiana during the course of the story. Just so you know. “Tiaa” isn’t a typo, either, though I have no idea why the author felt the need to add an extra A.

Notice the middle name? Subtle.

I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!

This actually makes her a year younger than Bella, for the record.

My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.

It’s pale and it’s pale? Also, gold and amber are not the same color.

My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.

I’ve been complimented on my fentures before too, but it’s nothing worth bragging about.

I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.

Well, gee, after that modest description of yourself I’m shocked that boys think you’re attractive, Tiaa. You sounded so plain and ordinary.

Am guessing that the girls who don’t tell a different story are gay.

They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)

I hate when girls pick on me for being too ethereal.

Even though we’re using the “attractive character looks anorexic but isn’t” trope, and that’s obviously not so great, I guess it’s nice that Tiaa/Becky took the time to point out that the comparison is disrespectful to people who actually have anorexia or another eating disorder.

The bit about Ellie Mayfair is one of the best things I’ve ever read. I hope you guys all understand why I had to run this fic now.

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!

Ah, the “skinny yet improbably busty” body type. Strangely more common in fiction than in real life.

Tiaa totally does care who stares at her, by the way. As we’ll see shortly.

I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. I smell like mint and cinnamon.

I have no idea why we’re supposed to care about any of this, but I’m particularly unclear about why we should care what she smells like.

I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music!

Tiaa’s specific music taste never comes up, to my recollection, but I’m betting My Chemical Romance is involved.

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family.

Yeah, Tiaa is adopted. This is sort of plot-important later on, but we never get to learn much about her life prior to Dave and Marie.

I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much.

I mean… you just moved in with them.

My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.

Foreshadowing!

Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall.

Presumably because she’s too ethereal.

I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.

That could have something to do with why they’re staring.

I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak!

God I love this author’s writing style. Truly, no one has ever written like this, before or since. BeckyMac666 is one of the unsung geniuses of our time.

Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore!

Most of the rest of the story is about various people messing with Tiaa. For the record.

My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.

I’m a pretty big fan of the phrase “cloud-embittered,” although it is of course completely meaningless.

Hey, uh… why the hell hasn’t she gotten dress coded? I went to a private school and I guess our dress code was a bit stricter than most, but most high schools will get upset at teenage girls for not covering their knees and shoulders, let alone having any undergarments visible. Tiaa’s entire bra is showing through her fishnet top. This is a situation in which I think it’d be reasonable to ask her to change.

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.

I don’t know why we’ve gone right back to (over)describing Tiaa, but I do think I should delete my entire OkCupid bio and replace it with this opening chapter.

Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.

Could’ve fooled me!

I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!

That’s nothing. I had a dream once where I explained the meaning of Nirvana lyrics to somebody (obviously not possible in real life), and I couldn’t remember my explanation when I woke up either.

I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!

I’d like to remind you that this is set in the Twilight universe. It’s already got magical creatures, and there are rules established about their abilities, appearances, and behavior. Tiaa is clearly not quite human, but she doesn’t seem to be a vampire, a half-vampire, or a werewolf. She’s completely unique within her universe, for no defined reason, and the rules governing other nonhumans don’t apply to her.

Like, the physical description and the obvious homage to “My Immortal” already made it clear that this girl is a Mary Sue, but this author clearly gets that Sue status isn’t just about looking unreasonably pretty. It’s about defying the rules of canon. Tiaa’s outstanding at that, as you’ll see later on.

I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people.

God, what a sentence.

I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire.

Something like… bad writing?

The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!

There are so many bad fanfics where the prose is bare-bones, with few or no adjectives/adverbs and simple sentence structure. BeckyMac666 tends in the opposite direction, and it’s awesome. Everything is phrased as though it’s super dramatic, nonsense metaphors abound, and our author has clearly never met an adjective she didn’t like. Hey @ aspiring trollfic authors: take note. This is how you write an entertaining badfic.

At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.

Also a big fan of how Tiaa always talks about herself as though she’s checking herself out.

It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.

Kind of like an erection only she’s a girl so she didn’t get one you sicko.

I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!

Foreshadowing! Again!

A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken.

Straight-up one of the greatest similes I’ve ever seen. Like, I study English literature and I don’t think I’ve ever read a metaphor better than that one. I’m not joking, it’s brilliant.

She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low.

The modesty act might be a little more convincing if we hadn’t just read several paragraphs of Tiaa talking about how hot she is.

So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there.

Hey, what’s a “bald drug”? I go to a liberal arts college and I’ve watched the entirety of Breaking Bad multiple times, so you think I’d have heard of it.

As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.

Musk is a substance some male animals secrete for scent-marking purposes. The word comes from the Sanskrit for “scrotum.” Thought you all should know.

I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.

This bitch just hotboxed a locker room on her first day of school. 

I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!

Remember that this is the beta-read version of the chapter.

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)

So you know how self-insert characters, particularly Sues, often have self-proclaimed “anger issues”? I wanna talk about that, actually, because it’s a trope I see not only in fanfiction but in published fiction, and it honestly bugs me.

In real life, anger issues are a totally legitimate character flaw, and one that can have serious negative consequences in-universe. A character with a bad temper may make rash decisions, screw up their relationships with others, have trouble holding down a job, get in trouble with the law, and so on; people who have anger problems are often mentally ill and/or traumatized, too, and the anger may be just the tip of the iceberg. Many morally ambiguous characters, well-written ones, have trouble with anger. There’s nothing wrong with this trope when it’s executed correctly.

In the hands of a less-than-competent writer, however, anger issues are the opposite of a problem, because the character’s show of anger will invariably cause others to back down or apologize and there will be no negative consequences. Writing a character who’s so sweet and charming that they always get their way has exactly the same effect, but as that trope falls out of style “anger issues” has taken its place and the authors who write these characters have no idea that they’re doing the same thing as the trope they thought they were avoiding.

Of course, this is the work of a troll, and the use of this trope is almost certainly intentional, but there are way too many authors who employ it unironically as a way to give a “flaw” to a character that even they realize is bordering on unrealistic.

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady”

Author’s so fond of weird phrases that I have no idea whether or not “wet heaven” is intended as innuendo.

It was the hawt pale guy!

Dun dun dunnnn!

Next chapter

#forbidenfruit.mst #fandom:twilight #halfworld.mst

[thewordlikeisalanguagecondom]

I replay the moment in my mind. Over. Over. Over. What am I missing? I am not just tempted, but possessed it seems with the urge to find humor in anything and everything, even visually. Like how he now rests the base of his skull on a pillow just as unyielding as himself. I poke fun as he grasps it’s twin and clutches it close, in the nook where his left arm and his chest meet and pulls my mocking thorax close to his. “It’s a poor substitute and will take far longer to warm up.” He could mimic an entire contemplation and body shrug in just his face. Even now with his eyes closed. Brow down. Chin up. Lips curled down ward narrowing eyes. I used to love this expression. As if I could actively watch him interpret, disgest, and debate with himself. Confusion, Disgust, Anger, and then contempt. All in one. Absurdity. As if whatever had been said was an insult to his intelligence or personal beliefs and that a counter-arguement had already occurred to him and he was debating whether or not it was worth sharing, if he answered it, or if it was too absurd to warrant any response at all and he was chuckling to himself. In seconds. He had perfected it. He knew he had, which is why he never made an attempt to disguise it. But rather loved putting it on. If it released and his brows came up. He had recognized something notable of what was said, and regarded it and released. But more often than not, if it lasted a few seconds longer than usual, Or if he quickly repeated it shortly after… I knew he had already won within his mind before he spoke. I watch him calculate it now. Released and readjusted the pillow. Feigning sleep. And there it is, the quick second quick brow down, chin up, lip slightly protruded. Contemplation to arrogant. and there it is finishing side smirk, we have a winner: contempt. He was about to say something fucking brilliant, arrogant and ass-like: “As opposed to never warming at all?“ “Bullshit—I’ve been lighthearted and relatively stoic.” “I didn’t mean you.” “Aha. Right.” *Chuckles* “What.” he says, without any inflection to warrant that it’s a  question at all. As if he knew what I was thinking or merely wished to challenge whether I’d share it aloud. "Your words, your actions. They’re all encompassing of the name I gave you, and I wonder if I cursed myself the moment I did it. You are, without a doubt, a living Paradox.” “Mhm” “Did you ever see that YouTube video of Romney vs. Romney? The split-screen of him debating himself? ‘Move in with me, I want to wake up to your face every day’ / ‘it’s not realistic, I’m not willing to change how I live my life, nope, never thought you would’ 'I have no desire to capture you or change your nature or even call you mine I just want to run with you’/ 'You are mine and I yours, I carry your heart in my heart’ 'I am not interested in soft voices or living upon the surface with a halfwit’/ 'Yet you break it off for meaningless empty fucking and play with pawns’ Even last week and now. 'I will always choose you’ but here I am and you’re still not. The acute posturing of his body. How I ached so empathetically upon viewing his neck that I wrapped my right hand around my own. With his gaze fixed upon the fan, his voice just as cheap and hard as the whiskey on his breath, "I will…I will always choose you…” And then I see it. I play it again. What I couldn’t see before through the smoke of my anger. The words that finished his sentence. The words that clarify my perception of not only their meaning, but his chosen retreat to solitude. They never left his lips, but I watched them cascade over his face, and I heard them in his mind. Saw his eyelids close and tighten, his lips frown, begging to wish them away. And the cold apparition of me that laid in his bed taunting him. My own are clutched tightly now, my brow aches a deep furrow and I hear them now as he did then: “I will. I will always choose you…even over myself.” I open my eyes and feel the dam I had hurriedly thrown together six weeks ago illustrate its obvious shoddy construction. When the first two leaks reach my neck, I bite my cheeks hard to silence myself from screaming and I lock them there. My jaw aches and my temples pound. I’m sure I’ll soon taste the metallic of blood. The loud screech of a horn shakes me free of the paralyzation of guilt. And I realize I’ve sat through an entire advanced green. He shouts out the window “Hey cunt! Wake the fuck up!” I wipe my eyes, and begin to chuckle to myself as wave out my sunroof. "I just did.” And like that the haze of the puzzle dissipates and I recall his specificity in his choice of words. “I am removing myself because I think it’s become unhealthy.” I am removing myself. Removing. “You think I don’t speak to you out of indifference?! I don’t speak to you so I don’t run from here.” “I couldn’t be responsible for you uprooting your family it’s too much to ask.” "I fucking love you. It fucking tears me apart every time my consciousness drifts to you.” And I remember his first vow: "I won’t ever let myself be a detriment to you.” I pull a u-turn at the light, and the bastards real pissed now. Steady hand on horn.  I head back east on Tampa Road. I run now as I ran alongside him then, curiosity on ablaze, the wolves. “Did you open it? Like there was a bloody rabbit inside.” I don’t even bother to shut the garage. I stride into my bedroom lift my strap over my head, and throw it on the ground. I twist my laptop around and open it   and force myself to type the word letters. D-E-T-R-E “no files on this computer contain: detre” oh shit let’s try proper fucking spelling… I search within our correspondence the only word that nauseated him: “Detriment” Feb 22nd. March 21.23. April 10. 16. Until I find it. April 28th: “I feel guilty taking from you.” “I feel like a burden that you indulge because you like it but it just makes everything else worse.” “But that is my choi–Wait. Because I LIKE IT?” “Because you love me and talking with me and being around me like I do with you but my attention doesn’t come at a price to myself like yours does.” “I  feel like I make your life harder with my attention…” “Have you heard all the ways I’ve described how I feel for you?” “…Then I feel guilty for wanting yours.” “Well I feel rejected for you not wanting it” “I know that.” “I fucking want it to the core of me.” “I hear you so stressed with everything going on and I fucking love you and feel like I’m making it so much worse.” “You never make it worse” “So I keep thinking I shouldn’t text you and call and tell you exactly the things I want to do to you all the time” “You make it melt away” “When you are preoccupied trying to be a CEO, mother, run two households..” “Can we–I’m not trying to do that right now” “I know I’m doing it again.” And I realize he was right then as he was this summer. I hadn’t even unpacked or gained a routine yet and I allowed it to continue to build. And I read my reply the following day after the haze of unwarranted anger at his selflessness. And I realize I feel the exact way I did when I wrote it then on a larger scale. This. All of it. It was just the same fear that lapsed again yet grew in profundity, distance, time, factuity, and emotion. “I won’t ask what you’re doing up and I’ll gloss over that you refused what I wanted to give and take last night and say have a great day Pedialyte and allow the large distance and rift begins to form and spread…miss you too” “I’m sorry. And you’re right. And I love you for it. I’m just fucking mad at myself lol you are absolutely right. And I need more days like last Thursday so I can get shit running like a well oiled machine again. I am just in serious withdrawal of the personified coke that is you. I love you. Fiercely. 'Even in my haze’ of stress and chaos it is important that you understand to what extent I love you. I really do. And you’re right. I just need to stop letting my fear control my actions. How you described how you feel in regards to me (and vulnerability) I too feel that way so perhaps I just am afraid thus I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I fear you romanticize me sometimes and as if I am waiting for you to see it all and run. Or I feel like I don’t deserve you so I picture someone who is less complicated, intelligent, young and has time to drop everything or even more time to pamper themselves lol and run with you, because I want everything for you. And if I can’t do it than I want someone else to be able to. And I don’t want to take away from you or your experiences I only want to add-but our problem is it is not logical or rational. If we are additional we are additional to all. We cannot categorize each other thus we cannot merely categorize our feelings nor what aspects of our lives are impacted by those feelings for one another. But perhaps if we could see what we know all other people see in us, and stop allowing our feelings for one another to drive our fear that we don’t deserve the other, our fear of losing each other could cease/the acting unbecoming of ourselves with one another, or this cyclic pattern of pushing and validating. The problem is we haven’t sustained a decent amount of time together in the same location and then we’ve been separated. We’ve always been. Compounded by the intensity of yearning to be with the other/learn the other and the impending reality that once school is over for you– the dynamics we’ve barely adapted to as is, will alter drastically all over again and it is 'the unknown’ right now. And how that impacts our view of what we want and when and how to attain it. When we’re still in the midst of learning one another and how to sustain the current through trial and error. It’s particularly difficult for me because I wouldn’t concern myself with it as much if I were only responsible for myself, but I have Lilly. And aside from my responsibility in raising her, her extra circulars, camps, birthday parties etc. I’ve really been absorbed into my phone. It’s one thing if you were over and we were all hanging out before she goes to bed etc. but I need to be WITH her when I am. And that’s on me. I just need to take the time I need to organize her schedule and mine and our routine again–but have been running and now I suppose just absorbed in you. And if you want, then you’ll too make time to be available. Maybe it’s not always before bed, maybe it’s a few minutes before returning to the drinking games and such. Or prior to going out. My feelings for you, let alone this early, are profound. They are not stabilizing lol well for one, because we haven’t. I don’t feel anything lightly with you. Extreme Polarity. In all things it is extreme. Profound happiness, profound misery, there is no lackluster there is no mundane. And while I’m sure if we had sustained for a longer period of time it would be easier for us both to relax–we’ll just have to feign it. Because with this altitude…. uhh essentially undesired reactions produce an explosive unstable product. …I love our unpredictability and the danger we both present YET together I don’t wish to fucking combust. I want it to sustain. So the way I see it we’ll have to fucking use a strong base, trust. In ourselves, and our ability and history of being comfortable sustaining and succeeding at being alone. And trust in how we feel for the other and let it go. I’ll have to quelsh my fear annnnd I’ll start to wean myself off the addictive dopamine drip of texting all day long hah. I mean I studied it I know better, but it was the easiest way in the beginning to carry on. I need to get back to working my ass off and when I’m done with work, and feeding, walking, bathing, reading, putting her to bed etc I’ll call or while I’m prepping dinner for the following day give you a call before I work out I mean how I feel sexually, romantically, intellectually, emotionally and otherwise for you will not change. Only deepen in growth AND STABILITY perhaps then my emotions/fear won’t be uprooted weekly. Haha and how I show you those things will not change, just perhaps strengthen in size but at less intervals. And if anything lol visiting shouldn’t be a problem in the future since I highly doubt your roommates will be be opposed to spending time with/watching Lilly every once in a while…and one of our streaming services head up in CO so airfare COULD potentially be an allowable company expense. Business and pleasure. And my sexual addictions are mine to own and not attributed to you nor your fault. When I am stressed it is my go to and I just need to learn how to channel it into work or working out etc (except working out just seems to serve to turn me on more these days lol) or perhaps I’ll just have to get that shower installed at the office so I can take a 'lunchbreak’ when necessary & don’t spend what feels like half the day getting off and filming it for you at home haha I fucking love you and I miss you greatly. I used to kiss Lilly’s hands before preschool and tell her to put them in her pockets to take out when she missed me and tap her chest to remind her where I was. So I suppose I could just lick and suck your fingers and kiss and nip your palms and you just can recall them or my gifs whenever you desire. As for your heart, you can easily access my words and how I feel for you through our transcripts, written or audibly recall moments whenever you wish to ignite it. And IDGAF how corny ANY of it sounds. The first night we didn’t FT I reread the day/night transcripts between us when I left Boston, and I fell asleep content, assured, grateful and smiling. I fucking love you. Very, very much. And 'if any two people were ever capable’…” “1. I was awake simply because I set an alarm because you said you had to be up at 530 and I wanted to say good morning before you went off for the day 2. I feel absolutely no rift 3. And this haplessly subconscious despair I don’t share with you because I feel everything you wrote intuitively. I need to let you write before I start asking and prying clearly lol I probably push you too hard when I feel like you’re upset and I’m sorry for that. And when I push you when your stressed I sound clinical and you get even more pissed because you are being vulnerable ad instead of listening I’m just trying to fix you like you’re an solvable problem … But that’s the thing with anomalies, which you are. I know your fear. I understand them and I want you to fucking know how stunningly beautiful you are, how I lust after you like I never have before, I don’t need someone else to run with because you’re the only fucking person who could keep pace, and I really mean that. You are so fucking special and every second you spend thinking about me is a gift that someone that has had this wealth of experience and hardship and just fucking had to fight through so much shit at a young age that I have so much respect for, loves me and could question for a second that I wouldn’t want to be with you is ludicrous. I fucking love you, so fucking much and furthermore, I really do want to be your friend as well because I think it’s important and because of the aforementioned reasons above, you are the most complete individual I have ever met and even writing this I feel so fucking genuinely lucky that you want me. I’m not going to run from you only to you. I know the plane of our relationship will change as I finish here and move to and start in at Merrill and join the goddamn lemmings, at least for a few years. This doesn’t scare me because having access to income and no debt expenses or otherwise basically means that all I need to worry about is coming to you. And I will. (And do, 4x yesterday). But seriously. You’re damn fucking right if anyone can deal with this it’s us. And I’m glad you reread the transcripts and feel better, but I hear you all the time, things you have whispered through to me. I feel you and it lights me up, you say things I’ve never heard said to me and I can’t forget them, perhaps that is why I call it intuition but really it’s just me feeling you wrapped around my arm and hearing you whisper in my ear and I can feel it so vividly I can live in that moment and I feel clear and hopeful and powerful. 'I love you.’ she whispered, her grasp tightened. She knew he hadn’t said it and couldn’t say. She took him terrified and stated him down. He couldn’t breathe, only short halted exhales, followed by a quick turn towards her grinning face because she knew, but his eyes were glassy and he got it out. 'I love you too, so fucking much’”   And I know it’s all still true. And it’s what it has always been, choice and I know now that he doesn’t speak to me for the same reason I cannot bring myself to unblock him. It’s agonizing. Nothing has changed and yet everything has. It wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t healthy. And I would’ve followed him straight to hell to keep getting my fix. He couldn’t bear it. Watching me waste away. He couldn’t be the one who continued to deteriorate me and plague my mind and bring me down. And he couldn’t stand by and watch either. And he’d lose his goddamn job if he did. And all of that was despairing. I needed to choose what is best for Lilly and I without him. Which I always knew but lost sight of. And I need to choose to do that without knowing or depending or expecting him in return. And I had to learn to continue to love him the all of him I know and trust that deep down he was still there. And we were still us. And happiness isn’t a place which induces good writing either. Tragedy does. And I couldn’t fucking see anything clear. And frankly, neither could he because of it. You cannot choose what is done to you. But you can choose how you respond to it.

Mine (obvi)

#mine #my writing #writers on tumblr #short fiction #short story

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 5.27.2017 & 5.26.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard hot 100 this week and this week ten years ago

5.26.2007

32) "Straight to the Bank," 50 Cent

There's actually something interesting at the core of this song -- if you make enough money doing your thing to sustain yourself for the rest of your life, what motivates you to keep doing your thing? I understand why 50 Cent wasn't willing to explore that theme, 50 Cent isn't here to offer a treatise on ennui and what creative fulfillment means to him, he's here to point at stacks of money and claim ownership. I think "I've made so much money I don't have to rap anymore" would be a fun twist on the "WE DEFIED INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS TO MAKE OODLES OF CASH!" song. It would've been a weird-ass 50 Cent song, but someone should take that theme and run.

48) "First Time," Lifehouse

See, like, at least 50 had the decency to give us the nugget of a decent song, to present something with a hint that it could be something more. This just is what it is, an alternative/rock song that sounds like a thousand alternative rock songs before it with nothing to say except "love feels nice." But I'm in a weird spot where I'm not sure if I'm reacting to the actual song, or if I'm reacting to the idea of Lifehouse and all the connotations I've attached to the Lifehouse brand. I keep wondering: if this song or something like this made it to the 2017 song, would I find it a refreshing throwback? If some long-forgotten mid-aughts alt-rock track, The Calling's "Our Lives" or whatever, if that found new life amidst the EDM and pop/trap, wouldn't it seem like a fun change of pace, an actual almost-rock song instead of the usual novelty indie track? I'm pretty sure this song is bad, but it might be because being weighed against history means being weighed against the titans, whereas the standards are different (lower) for modern songs, because there's a more limited pool to draw from (five months, as opposed to all of history). Hard to tell if I'm judging this song or the context in which this song is released. We need a control for 2017. America: are you finally ready to give Tonic that second chance?

52) "Anonymous," Bobby Valentino ft./Timbaland

I'm no expert, but I'm reasonably confident that, if you're tryna get with someone, and they don't tell you your name, that means they don't want to fuck you. I don't think you're being #problematic, but I do think you need to do better at picking up on signals, Bobby. They're not even giving you a FAKE name! It's so easy to give a fake name! "My name's Jamie." Took me two seconds. IT'S SO EASY! If they're not even willing to do that, they just want you to stop talking to them! You're not being #problematic, that would be a bridge too far, but you need to do a better job of picking up signals. You can't make a song about how you can't even get someone to tell you their name. They rejected you, dude. Move on. (Maybe if it were the next day, when you spent a night dancin' and romancin' but they left before anything sexy could happen, and you're trying to track them down but can't find them because you can't remember their name? That'd be a cool thing! This legit sounds like dude doesn't know someone said 'no,' and not in a shitty "I heard yes!" Robin Thickey way, just a dunderheaed boy-just-don't-get-it way.)

72) "Tambourine," Eve

The least 2007 could do after shoving Timbaland down my throat was give me a Swizz chaser. I greatly enjoyed this! One gets why this song fell from the consciousness, it's a jam but it's not the song that gets the party started, y'know? And like all songs named after an instrument, there is not enough of the titular instrument in the track. I don't necessarily want it to sound like a second grade band performance, but I should have heard more tambourine than I did. But, yeah, hot party jam, always down for a well-executed version of a song with simple goals.

79) "Same Girl," R. Kelly & Usher

This song is fun, it's a foundational block of my relationship with my older sister, and it wasn't worth however many lives it cost to keep R. Kelly's name alive in our hearts.

83) "Vulnerable," Secondhand Serenade

more like glove-compartment admittance. for all i know, secondhand serenade probably actually did get big on myspace and i'm about to accurately describe this song, but this sounds like some fucking dude made a song in 20 minutes using his computer, uploaded it to myspace, and spent 4 hours picking out the right picture of him looking forlorn to put on his profile. you can hear the label executives looking at his picture and agreeing he's an 8, which is perfect -- hot enough to induce swooning, but just enough of an uggo to be approachable, impossible. ...oh no. oh no oh no it got me it got me run it got me you have to run you have to RUN BEFORE YOU CATCH IT TOO.

85) "I Don't Wanna Stop," Ozzy Osbourne

GOD YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE HOW AWFUL BUTTROCK IS UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO A REAL-ASS ROCK SONG. Ozzy was fucking 60 and swinging this sledgehammer. This fucking ruled. Remember that Bon Jovi nonsense from last week? THIS is how you do a late-career single. You fucking just remind people you've been doing this shit for 40 years by making a song you can only write with 40 years of experience under your belt. I heard the Bon Jovi song, I just heard a song. I heard this song, I heard Ozzy, I heard Zakk Wylde, I heard years of accrued expertise and experience, I heard fucking character, dude. I'm not even a metal dude, and I'm fucking into this song. This was great. Later, Breaking Benjamin. I can't in good conscience have your lilly ass in the Top 20 if you're gonna say you're in the same genre as this creature.

91) "Like This," MIMS

This is somehow the second track called "Like This" that 2007 has given us. The official music video for this song starts off with the hook for "This Is Why I'm Hot," because I guess the video is trying to give us what we really want. He also mentions "This Is Why I'm Hot" in the first verse, which, that's a bold move, to reference your hit in the second single. It's either swag, because you recorded both songs years ago and knew "This Is Why I'm Hot" would smash so hard that you wanted to give a shout-out to its inevitable success on the album, or it's safety, because you hurried this follow-up out the door and needed to mention the one thing you're ever gonna do. Either way, this song is mediocre 2007 pop/rap. It's as boring and listless as you would imagine the other MIMS song would be.

92) "teachme," Musiq Soulchild

This song about a man admitting that his confinement to traditional gender roles has made him emotionally unavailable and stunted would probably play a lot better in 2017 than I assume it did in 2007. I don't remember this song being that big a thing, but in 2017? Apart from being thrilled that someone in an R&B song is emoting, we'd also be stoked for a song that tacitly acknowledges toxic masculinity. This was pleasant! Musiq Soulchild dropped a song about fuck buddies and another song about the role gender norms played in his emotional upbringing, and I've appreciated all he's done!

94) "I Told You So," Keith Urban

OK this week's a pretty hot one for 2007. This is the fourth jam of the week, already quadruple the amount of jams I thought this week would have, and we haven't even gotten to the song I'm figuring is gonna be a jam. I forgot that sometimes country dude songs could have character! This song has a dope-as-hell instrumental break, an entirely reasonable amount of stops, and hey: Keith Urban? Pretty decent singer! This was rad. I keep forgetting "Alyssa Lies" exists, but were it not for that, this would be the lead contender for Least Worthless Country Dude song. Hell, I might even upgrade the title to "Most Acceptable Country Dude Song," since this and "Alyssa Lies" were both pretty great.

95) "Impacto," Daddy Yankee ft./Fergie

Oh. Oh no. Oh no! ...Oh, oh, I forgot. I forgot Daddy Yankee was once Very Bad. Oh, no. This is -- nothing about this is good. This is someone shouting over a beat that is also, somehow, shouting. I. I am going to stop writing this capsule? Because the longer I am writing about this song, the longer I am making myself thinking about this song, and I just, I'd like to very much not do that anymore.

98) "Get Me Bodied," Beyonce

DO YOU HEAR THIS SHIT, MIMS. THIS IS HOW YOU REFERENCE YOUR DEBUT SINGLE. You wait until you have an impressive catalogue of hits and an unassailable career, and THEN, you can shout out your debut single. Hey everyone did you guess which song I epected to be a jam? TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT. The vocal work on this track is outstanding, like even for a Beyonce song it's ridiculous, there's a couple things Bey does on this track that made me laugh in disbelief. This is probably not even one of the 20 best songs in the extended Beyonce universe, and I'm still riding hard for it.

99) "All Good Things (Come to an End)," Nelly Furtado

so by this logic this song should have lasted forever OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHah we have fun here, but no this song was boring. like i know i have a tendency to check out with the last song of the week for both years, but i think it's justified in this case, because seriously it's timbaland and coldplay on the track, nah dude, i got cheers to watch.

The 2007 Top 20! Beyonce! Ozzy! 18 other songs you’ve been seeing for a while! 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Almost at a point where we can do Top 30s for each year! I don’t know why I comment after the list but here we are!

5.27.2017

64) "Malibu," by Miley Cyrus

This is a song where you have to be at least somewhat invested in the arc of Miley Cyrus' career for it to have maximum emotional impact, and I'm not, I'm very not interested in Miley Cyrus' journey or personal growth. Like, yay, the rich kid finally sobered up and is finally ready to accept the rest of their life with the vast fortune they have accrued, hooray for them, I'm glad something good finally happened to Miley Cyrus.

79) "Every Time I Hear That Song," by Blake Shelton

Oh good a country song about a different and better country song. Always a welcome addition to a chart, this type of song. Four people wrote this song. How does it take four people to listen to The Bro Country Song and say, "Let's do that again!" It's just, I have to come up with something relatively new to say about the same fucking country dude song every week, and meanwhile these four chucklefucks get to rhyme "mind" with "time" and call themselves PROFESSIONAL writers. Life's not fair.

89) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton

"Baby, you can go or you can stay/But I won't love you either way." fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk THIS was that chris stapleton shit i was lookin' for a couple weeks back. i haven't had time to get to from a room yet, not sure if i should do vol. i now or take it in with vol. ii, but god damn, this is what a country song is. this is pain, laid bare and unvarnished, nothing but a guitar between you and this dude's voice, which, i mean, chris stapleton is as born to sing country songs as kendrick is to rap, as beyonce is to sing anything beyonce desires. this is just a solid fucking song, and the entirety of nashville should feel endless shame for thinking anyone else should have had this song.

97) "Drinkin' Problem," by Midland

This was what I was talking about when I was talking about Lifehouse! This song is kind of a throwback, but it's only throwing as far back as Toby Keith, yet even doing an imitation of Toby Keith's occasional dad-humor songs feels so good, feels so right, feels so unlike the bro country song that it counts as a zag for country music. This is a song with clear, discernible influences, for which success seems like a happy accident and not the result of piloting the world's most efficient country hit-making engine! Maybe there's a chance I would find this trite and corny when weighed against the entirety of country music -- and honestly, being the country dude song following Chris Stapleton on the chart, hoof, that I didn't think this sucked should prolly give me a clue as to how great this song really is -- but given that Sam Hunt nothinged his way to the top of this world, I'm willin' to be down with this song.

Top 20! 20) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 19) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 18) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 17) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 16) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 15) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 14) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) Yo, look at “Despacito,” toppin’ the chart! I might have to actually listen to the remix. BUT THE ORIGINAL IS SO GOOOOOOOD THO. I don’t want to listen to Justin Bieber.

Who won?

2007. Great as “Either Way” was, 2007 just had more songs at a more consistent level. Like, “Either Way” is at least half a street ahead of “Get Me Bodied,” but “Drinkin Problem” doesn’t hold a candle to “I Don’t Wanna Stop,” and the other two 2017 entries aren’t worthy of mentioning alongside “teachme.” Easy W. Didn’t think it’d happen, but hey, 2007 was pleasantly surprising! Next week... I see what 2007 has for me next week. Gonna take a huge fuck-up from 2017 to even things up for ol’ 2007. Two Linkin Park songs. Two of them. Guh.

2017: 5 2007: 4

[qwertyplier-blog]

Chapter One- New Life

I'm sure having a blast packing my new bedroom in the big city, Los Angeles. Not. I never wanted to come here. It was a great place and you are defenetly lucky if you get to live here. But it's just so, well, not my type. I was fine back in Columbia, Ohio. But my damn sister Lillian wanted us to move here because of her 'job'. Lillian was 14 years older than me. She loved going out with her friends and loved me. But now, I know that is a lie because she made me move here. Our parents needed a 'get-way' and moved to Honolulu, Hawaii. I haven't seen them both for 7 years. Sad. Anyway, I set up my bed and placed all my clothes in my closet. The closet was huge here. You can say its as big as a sitting room here. I did the usual rest and met Lillian in her bedroom setting up her room with pastel blue everywhere. Lillian and I loved pastel colors. My room was pastel pink. "Liliana! How do you like everything so far? Isn't this place beautiful?" Lillian said in a cheery tone. "Suuuure" I drag my word in a boring fashion. "Fuck you" I whisper under my breath. "C'mon Lili! You will love it. Sooner or later. Let's go paint the living room pastel purple." She was in love with pastel colors. "Okay..." -Le Time Skip- After Lillian and I got done painting and moving the furniture in, I headed to the bathroom and looked at myself through the mirror. Paint was all over my face and body. 'Ugh' I whine to myself. I strip my clothes off in front of the mirror, watching myself. Boys in my other school always said I had a beautiful body shape. And I knew it. I finshed taking off my clothes and put them to the side. I stepped into the shower and turned the handle to turn on the faucet. "Ahggg!" I screeched. I forgot that the water starts off cold when you first turn it on. I hate my life. I stepped out of the shower and waited for the water to heat up. Damn I hate this place. -Le Time Skip- I got out of the shower when I was finally done. I took at least half an hour. Lillian was napping on the couch. I chuckled a bit and when to my bedroom. I admired the pastel pink dust everywhere. It was just so pretty. I grabed panties and and huge T-shirt and slipped them on. The window curtains were slightly opened. So I took the advantage to witness the beautiful, sparkling stars up in the sky outside. They reminded me of my childhood. They would twinkle, and stop. Then another would twinkle, and stop. But then, I remember. The first day of my new school is in two days. Fuck. I turned my head to the clock. 9:56 p.m. Fuck...again. I thought I would tell my sister, but she was asleep. So I took a peice of paper and wrote Lillian this: Yo yo, big sister. Sooo u know dat school is in lyke 2 dayz. Yeep... We gotta wake up early to get all my shite tomorrow. Before the lines are too long. This is L.A and there are lots of people here. There will be lines. So wen u see dis u wake meh up early. Im 2 lazzy to put a timer on. Byeeeeeee P.S *farts r awesome* I am a fucking 12 year old by heart. I carefully placed the note by Lilli and left to my room and fell asleep like a little baby... Zzz Zzz -after 8 hours of slumber- "Wake up fuzzy head!" I heard my sister whisper while shaking my shoulder back and forth. I was not a morning person. I hated waking up and having to brush my teeth and take a shower and make breakfast. That was all out of my league. "Leave..meh...al..one" I whine while half asleep. "What do you mean? You told me to wake you up. Now get up!" Lilli pushes me off the bed that makes a 'Thud' on the ground. "Okay, okay" I moan while lying with my head on flat on the ground. So I did the usual. Brush teeth, take shower, change clothes, and prepared breakfast. "You ready?" Lillian threw the meys up and down while having her shoulder rest on the door frame. "You know it" We both head outside and get in her car. I looked for a radio that wouldn't be playing a song from the 50's because it was a Thursday. Finally I found a station that played Beyonce's song "Formation" that I was in love with. "Yass bitch" I snapped my hands in the air while waving them side to side. Lillian and I sang the entire song together. "My daddy Alabama, Momma Louisiana. You mix that Negro with that Creole make a Texas Bama!" We sang as we laughed after every line. We made it to Five Below and got school shit. Like bags, pencils, pens, shoes. Lots and lots of shoes, outfits and the necessary. When we were done, Lillian and I thought we should go to the mall to get random stuff we would want. While we are walking, Lillian turned her head towards a guy. He had dark hair and blue eyes with a perfect jawline. I knew she was drooling for that dude. "You like what you see?" I ask un a sarcastic tone. "Well yeah. He's gorgeous." - "Hey maybe you should go talk to him." She walks towards the mystery man and soon starts a conversation with him. Awe. She runs back. "HE ASKED FOR MY PHONE NUMBER!!!" she yells loud enough that people outside the mall can hear her. "Mhm, yeah, great." I nod. She was going on and on about this guy. So I pretended to listen. "Big sis? I wanna go home." I say in an inasent voice. "Lets go then" We soon left the mall. But when we had left, it was pitch black outside. We had been at the mall for 8 hours straight. We burst with laughter and get into the car. I roll down the window and lay my eyes on a man who looked pretty cute. He wore glasses, had a section of his hair dyed red, and had the most handsome faces ever. He was sitting on the front of a car with a few other people that looked pretty cool. I loved his laugh. It was beautiful. I was trying not to fall in love. But as soon as he turned his head to me, I blushed and looked at my sister and yelled "STEP ON IT!" And we left. -Time skip- I got home and did my night routine and got my stuff ready for school the next day. But I couldn't get that boy off my mind. He really seems like my type. I rested my head on the pillow and fell in slumberland. This is a fan fic im writting btw. Just borf