#people dont like me or care about me bc im exhausting to be around and im annoying and useless !

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore #its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household #ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail #whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes #ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out #of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally #and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me #they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can #they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition #they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me #by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once #ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point #and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on #while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems #mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is #instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world #and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life #mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad #im so fucking tired! #3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw

[lepidopterium]

!!!

#spent all day in agony in bed because my fucking parents keep dragging us around on this awful vacation to whatever suits their whim w/o #asking us what we want or even showing any care for how we're doing or adjusting #i didnt want to leave the house of my aunt in cairo. i have privacy there and its closest to what im used to living in #i can tolerate the heat wave there despite my antidepressants. and im genuinely happy and at ease #but now im at the aunt who lives in the country and. bless her i love this aunt but i cant function here #the water is polluted and spending most of the vacation out here dried up my hair and skin badly. not to mention i havent been drinking #enough water because i can only safely drink bottled water which is expensive #and truly ive been trying to make the best of things but im trapped. i cant go anywhere. im always physically uncomfortable bc i #cant get used to living in the country like this. im surrounded by people who act friendly and sweet but still dont take no for an answer #whether it be forcing me to eat meat or like in the case of my baby cousin sticking to me bc i listen to her talk #and im scarred from being forced by my family out here to apologize to my mother (and they tried to get me to hug her) after SHE pulled a #knife on me and the aunt from cairo had to wrestle it out of her hand #i feel ill listening to cousins i looked up to as a kid talk about gay people and effeminate men the way they do #and i cant be at ease bc as a woman i have to act and dress in a way im not only used to but despise #ultimately ive had to mentally erase who i am and my needs so i can get through the day to day here #bc i cant go anywhere. i cant eat or dress how i like. i have limited access to things that bring comfort. i can barely communicate. #i have no privacy. and i have to act polite and happy no matter how i feel. and im physically ill from this heat #i cant even use the bathroom out here. no ready access to clean water either. i dont even have these basic things #and im trying to sleep but everyone is in this fucking room and the lights are on and theyre all chatting so i had to bury my face in my #sleeve and just quietly cry because im exhausted and there's nothing i can do about it but endure #i want to go home. i want to at least be back in cairo where i feel semi normal. #im sick and need to shower with warm. clean. water #i can't keep enduring nonstop daily discomfort on the most basic level. and i have no where to go #and i feel like a baby for complaining. but there is nothing for me here. and i can only survive here by pretending im not here and just #letting things happen BUT. im at my limit by now. #she pulled a fucking knife on me and then they made ME apologize. she was going to kill me. #im all alone. i want to go home. #plus everyone keeps touching me. i cant get any space. everyone keeps talking to me about marriage and kids and then getting upset when i #say no. i dont want that. i mean it. its not a joke. i dont want that. why wont they stop fucking bringing it up. why do they insist it's #wrong of me to want otherwise. barely have a glimpse of who i am and already im teetering on disdain from jokes that are actually serious

[fabulouslygaybean]

do you ever listen to the minecraft soundtrack and your heart is instantly filled with such strong longing that it's physically painful

#just. mice on venus. so many childhood memories. #just... reminds me of my cousins. i miss them a lot. #reminds me of summer days spent biking with one of them around the tiny town they all live in #we'd stay out till the sun started to set and then we'd come home and play minecraft while we waited for dinner #later we'd make a huge nest of blankets and pillows and stuffed animals and we'd talk about pokemon and space until we passed out right - #- next to each other. the windows were always open and all we could hear were crickets and summer air and soft breathing #i haven't felt comfort like that in years and years and i miss it so much #just. the comfort and familiarity of being young and not having a care in the world. falling asleep next to someone you've known for - #- years knowing that you'll be safe and warm and happy and that you'll wake up to a family that loves you so so so much #fuck. im crying now. its 3am and i should be asleep but a minecraft song made me think so hard that i cried. #i want to fall asleep knowing that ill be safe and that things will be okay in the morning. that my family will be okay and that the - #- world will keep spinning and that things will be okay. #i know that was repetitive but im kind of breaking down so i dont care. i just want to feel safe. #i haven't felt truly safe in years. im in a constant state of fight or flight because that's how ive needed to live for so long. its the - #- reason im still alive today. but god its exhausting. its so exhausting and it hurts so much. #its so selfish bc i KNOW other people have it so much worse but. god. i just want safety and love and consistency. #i want to wake up knowing my family is happy and safe and go to school without people yelling at me or throwing food at me anf i want to - #- come home to a house that isn't empty and i want to eat an actual dinner with my family and i want to be hugged and wished goodnight - #- before i go to bed without feeling lonely or empty or filled with an exhaustion that sleep can't fix

[humanmorph]

i really just need to reread no home and catch up properly sometime but i just cantttt it gets me too bad i just read a few random chapters from arcs i never got to and almost teared up. haejoon and eunyung are So. theyre just So. i have no idea why this manhwa isnt way more popular they have the relationship of all time

#they hate each other.theyre friends. no theyre not. they care about each other and are horrible about it. they fight. they fight soooo much #they hurt each other on accident bc they dont understand the other person and then also on purpose it drives me crazy. theyre So. #miscommunication stuff can often feel cheap and i dont care for it but in no home its always like. #oh were fundamentally different people due to our experiences. oh im projecting stuff on you. oh i genuinely didnt /understand/ #and it works it hits. #and their relationship is not linear like you think oh theyre fine they get along now.no way.no way. they have issues #which is rough to read at times honestly. exhausting. and bad shit does keep happening they r so rarely catching a break #rosa rambles #also you guys would go crazy about eunyjung i just know it.if only you knew. #these 2 are main main cast but theres other characters that get their stories explored & stick around & theyre also all very very good #this is sooo ramble-y . sorry but pleaseeee im being so for real rn. read no home by wanan

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #im exhausted ahd have been in a lot of pain today so naturally im thinking about entropy and the human condition #i know we all grasp at being remembered. like it's a human thing to want to be remembered and to want to live forever in whatever form that #is and i am no exception #i hope that when im gone ppl will think of me and smile or see the things ive made and drawn or the way i grinned in photos #like thats a natural thing to want #but also i think whats so amazing about life is that everything will one day be forgotten #like everything will pass and thats kind of amazing. both in the idea that we have this short amount of time and #however we spend it is good and right PROVIDED WE DON'T HURT OTHERS bc we chose it and we are alive to make that choice #but also bc we don't need to be remembered to be cared about? #like we find the remains of ppl from thousands of years ago. and we dont know them bc society doesn't remember them anymore #does that mean we dont care about them? god no. we make sketches of wgat they would have looked at #we look around to see what they were buried with and to learn about them. abd sure a bunch of that is bc we want to learn always learn #but some of it is that we want to know them and care about them. #we stand in roman ruins and think about the people that would have gone about their lives. and wr aren't remembering THEM #bc we dont know them. but we are reaching out and caring #idk how much sense this makes. i guess what im saying is that when we're all gone it doesnt really matter if we're remembered #bc we'll still be cared about any which way #and to me that feels much more important idk

[zeldasnotes]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PART 31 🎁

MASTERLIST

Having both 10th and 8th house placements is so annoying. If there is something an 8th houser need its privacy and thats the one thing 10th houser will never get.

Venus Square Pluto in a mans chart is the ”the girl i was in love with in my teens rejected me and I never got over it” kinda energy. Very often there is some kind of bitterness towards women.

Projection is not only projecting negative stuff onto others, its also projecting positive qualities on to people, something that neptune energy tends to do. They be like ”nooo she would never do that”.

People with Neptune/Pisces 2nd house are so confused when it comes to money. The ones to buy a Guccibag when they dont have a bed.

Pluto conjunctions in composite can indicate a relationship that never ends. ”We are not done with eachother” kinda energy. You might be in your teens now but trust me you will bump into eachother again when you are like 40. Not even moving to different countries can separate this bond.

Venus aspecting Neptune people are so damn artistic. Especially when Uranus is involved. My friend have the conjunction to both Uranus and Neptune and everything she wears look so good and unique. And she finds the clothes nobody else have.

People with 8th and 12th house energy needs to be careful because they attract people who are addicted to their energy. People who dont even like them wants to be around them bc of it. Same can be said about 2nd house placement and their possessions.

Mercury trine Ascendant makes someone a good actor because their body language and what they want to communicate works perfectly together.

Venus can shows a body part you like to take a little extra care of. My mom is a pisces Venus and growing up i always saw her do foot baths, etc. Libra Venus might like to work out their butt at the gym etc.

I just have to laugh when I see people with Lilith 11th house take the bullies side because trust me honey it will be your turn next.

Women with Cancer/4th house placements are the kind of women who are seen as good mothers by outsiders no matter what they do. Especially Fama(408) in Cancer. Might also hide behind their mom image when you accuse them ”I would never do that Im a mother for god sakes”

Moon Square Mercury is super exhausting to have. A lifelong battle between heart and mind.

A mix of Libra and Cancer in the inner planets in a womans chart almost always guarantees popularity. Especially if its Libra Sun with Cancer Moon.

People with Lilith 4th house might have had a mother who had issues with them being home alone. Their mom might not go to work when the lilith 4th house person is sick and home from school even tho the kid is over 15 and can be at home by themselves. Constantly in the kids face.

People with 6th house placements tend to be naturally gorgeous. A lot of them look better with no makeup or light makeup.

Moon Square Uranus people might cut the bond out of nowhere. A person in my town with this aspect is even known for this. She become best friends with someone and have these sleepovers and are constantly close to them then out of nowhere something happens and she never talks to them again. Uranus Square can make someone just snap out of nowhere.

People with Nessus(7066) conjunct Mercury have a habit of wanting to mentally undress people and make things into something more serious than it is. You wear a maxi dress and they be like ”you dont like your legs” uhm no honey I just thought this maxi dress looked good.

People with Jupiter in the 1st house can sometimes be a little too laidback and not make an effort because they always attracted attention without doing anything. They never had to ”fight” to get attention, social contacts, fame etc. This can make them socially lazy.

Pluto aspecting the Ascendant can give you the kinda energy that nobody will try you, but it can also do the opposite. Pluto either scare the freaky people or pull them in.

People with conjuntions to Chiron = being turned off by people who likes them and chasing people who will never want them instead. (Especially moon and Venus)

© 2023 Zeldas Notes

#astro notes #astrology #astro observations #astronotes #lilith #ascendant #birth chart readings #asteroids #astrotidbits

[misfithive]

What I think Simon likes about Wille

I have seen some discussions about “why Simon even like Wille” (😔☹️💔) both here and elsewhere. I'm bored sooooo here is my list of what I think! I admit when I first watched I used to wonder sometimes why Simon liked him, mostly bc the back and forth hot and cold of season 1 could understandably be exhausting however once i thought about it I came up with many things. (some are hc ish ) :) I also think that if you love wilmon's relationship then you can see what they see in eachother. Two people (Wilmon) created that dynamic together both of them are loving/open/gentle with each other it is deeper than " i like that he sings and he is pretty"- they like how the other person makes them feel which is different I think than what is usually portrayed in teen relationships. People focus too much on their fights/angst sometimes and not their nice moments I think the good outweighs the bad. Also why i believe in endgame bc they have something deep and special.

1. I think Simon thinks Wille is adorable in a dorky way or finds him endearing. When Wille dropped the utensil after their first real convo Simon was blushing and giggling

2. Wille actively seeks him out a lot and tries to help Simon when he can/ When someone is giving you that kind of attention it is flattering and shows how kind Wille is (the tip about tutoring, the rowing tips, the song on the piano). Thats a quality someone would find attractive

3. Similarly when they are together Wille’s attention and energy is solely focused on him / Wille smiling at him adoringly all the time. I think that would make anyone feel special and especially if you are like Simon and spend a lot of energy caring for/thinking about other people

4. Wille is generally very gentle with Simon which is beautiful and also imagine someone being that gentle with u and holding u like that im sure u would fall in love too lmfao even tho simon is asleep I think he felt it and this isnt the only example I just like the picture hehe

5. Wille wears his heart on his sleeve. Simon is more guarded with his feelings i think he could drawn to how open/expressive/ softhearted Wille is with him. “I didn't want to lose you” “you are beautiful” etc

6. Wille makes him sandwiches asks him how he is doing a lot etc sorry but no boys were making me sandwiches as a teenager a lot of small things like this are still a big deal

7. Wille is a prince and he could be a total arrogant a** hole like everyone else at that school and no one would think twice but he is not. It takes a certain type of person to actively not be like that when u are born into that level of privilege and everyone will let you get away with whatever. I think Simon likes that Wille is different than than the other people at school who ignore him and treat him bad.

8. Simon feels safe around Wille (maybe with the exception of the music room scene) but they have a safe space together its a strong contrast to the dynamic with marcus and i think everything with marcus serves to highlight how special the dynamic is with Wille.

9. Wille gives good hugs

10. Wille is nice to Linda and tries to make her feel included Simon thought that was cute (it was very cute)

11. They can laugh together and see how silly (ridiculous) august/some of the antics of the other boys are

12. I could go on okay but love is not always rational and cant be contained in a list, they are soulmates and thats that!!!!!!!!!

//Adding that i think Omar said in an interview that despite what Simon says in the locker room he thinks Simon likes that Wille accepts him for who he is. But if anyone can find the clip pls share I dont wanna misquote him! //

#i know a lot of this seems obvious but maybe not #i must defend my sons #young royals #simon eriksson #wilmon #prince wilhelm #wilhelm x simon #wilmon endgame #i also resent people saying they dont do anything besides fight and f bc there is a lot more to their relationship than that #feel free to add lolo

[onlyjaeyun]

alright, i'm gonna address this ask once and then just not respond to anything else, even the asks supporting me bc im a little exhausted and on the verge of losing motivation so i dont wanna trigger it by going back and forth with people. yet this does not mean i dont deeply appreciate everyone's sweet messages. means the world to me to know you all have my back like this, so thank you so much 🤍

once and for all: this is fiction. fiction, meant for adults hence the MDNI/18+ in my bio, basically plastered all over my blog.

every character ive created so far is just that. a character. and i need some of you guys to understand that this is what (fan)fiction is about. the smoking, the family trauma, the lack of self awareness, their sexual activities and coping mechanisms, everything regarding and about my characters was created by me and most of the time intentionally.

one thing that also needs to be clear is that you can't just run around policing grown people in their asks talking about such significant issues and throwing around accusations like that because not only is it deeply offensive but it's also very, very dangerous. you misunderstood my post and assumed i'd use sex and sexual intimacy to have him make up for his wrongdoings when that is NOT what i said at all. just please be careful the next time because i understand where you came from but i did not deserve that.

what i also wanna address is the part with me having "impressionable readers" because this is very important to me as a smut writer.

i have set clear boundaries that i do not want any minors on my blog, point blank. now, we all know they're still around. is that my responsibility? no. am i supposed to give a fuck about people who are apparently old enough to consciously read trigger/content warnings and continue to read my work? fuck no. is it my job to educate those impressionable people that they shouldn't read smth if they can't differentiate fiction from reality. NO.

that's all im gonna say to this because yes, there are impressionable readers out there but that is NOT my responsibility.

im tired of people constantly policing me and the things i write when im a grown woman who knows exactly what she's doing. if you hate CH!sunghoon so much and are so uncomfortable with his progress, then don't read it.

saying this for everyone yet again:

if you do NOT like a writer's work, you do NOT have to READ it.

this is tumblr. i write things for FUN. i publish them for you guys to read for FREE. i dont owe anybody shit. im so, so sorry if this makes some of you angry or upset now but at the end of the day it's the truth. this is my blog and my writing and i will do whatever the fuck i want and unfortunately you have no choice but to live with it.

i appreciate constructive criticism but i will not and never in the future let anyone be so mean to me and accuse me of things when you usually just see and read and hear what you want and make up your own version of the story when it's so, so far away from the truth.

pls do not attack the nonie bc i know this is the result of a misunderstanding but it was a good opportunity for me to address the whole impressionable reader situation.

if you can't differentiate fiction from reality that's your problem, stop making it mine.

thank you so much for everything, nothing but love 🧸🩷🎀

#also not to be that bitch but y'all let people write full on (pseudo) incest fics about real people including lacking consent and very #questionable kinks but nobody says a thing #my male lead is a fucking asshole who has yet to grovel and i get shit thrown at me left and right #; rambles

[dareactions]

I just have a few requests x3

How about the companions react to a Young!Inquisitor reacting to solas's betrayal by saying this: "I dont know why I was surpprised, everyone I have ever loved has either left me,died,betrayed me somehow,or given me copious amounts of trauma. I'm kinda numb to it all at this point" and they stop hiding their emotions and they just look....so old? Like almost broken old?

I return just to hit y'all w the angst hammer im so sorry. (I'm not <3)

Solas goes first bcs he is a big meanie and should feel bad for hurting poor young!inquisitor smh

Solas: It's not the answer he expects or the response he wants. There's no doubt that he knew from the beginning that he'd hurt them, that no matter what happened they would look at him as if he'd lit their entire life on fire and watched it burn down but not once had he even considered that they'd look so- aged. There's a horrifyingly burning feeling in his chest and he wants to grab their shoulders and beg for them to be angry, kick, scream- do anything a normal person would. But instead, they're just staring at him so exhausted and for once Solas feels dread.

Cassandra: Her first initial feeling, is anger. Cassandra always responds to things with that first burst of fiery rage and need for justice, but once that passes it's just the need to protect. She finally understands her own brother, a bit. Cassandra helps in the only ways she knows, holding the Inquisitor until they finally let themself cry, and after that, she makes it her own personal life goal to cave in the skull of anyone who ever makes them make that expression again. She considers for just a moment if maybe she is part of the problem (she knows she is, she remembers the first time they met in that cell), but she can't bring herself to think about it.

Blackwall: He knows he is part of the problem, of that long list of people who have lied and turned tail when it came down to it. And fuck if he doesn't feel bad. Blackwall hates to admit that he is an expert in self-pity but he really can't help the wave of self-hatred that seeing the Inquisitor like that brings. He has never seen someone young seem so old but then he remembers young soldiers, young mages, and templars all with that same dead look in their eyes. Blackwall turns away, he might make them small trinkets and keep an eye on them but he is nowhere near brave enough to look them in the face for nearly a week after that.

Dorian: So, he is adopting them- everyone shut up, you don't get to pick. It's his younger sibling now and as their new legal guardian, he would want everyone to back the fuck off. Dorian is the most likely I think to fall into the attempts of regaining normalcy for the Inquisitor. He treats them the same, doesn't matter what horrifying piece of information they may have dropped he keeps the same level of jest and care between them. But he is more keen-eyed on making sure nobody gets too close, that nobody says something that no teenager or child should year. Nothing is more horrifying than a Pavus with protective habits, let me tell you that much.

Sera: I love Sera, but she is fucking horrid with the emotional support and she knows it. Sera will step around like she is walking on glass shards, get annoyed and say something bordering on insensitive and then realize what she has done- and try her best to mend things. Sera forgot their age, she said and had them help with things that maybe a child shouldn't deal with but no child in Ferelden isn't broken a little bit, so she isn't entirely sure how to navigate someone so numb to it all. Sera of course suggests crime, that always makes her feel better and it'll make them feel better for sure.

Iron Bull: See, the Inquisitor is a member of the Bull's Chargers. That means they're family and they're looking so fucking miserable and sad right now that it just means that he kicks into that need to protect. Bull knows better than to lean onto his past mistakes and regrets, think about everything he could've done better at this point to protect them. He just is more weary, more aware of their age- he does his best to keep some semblance of childhood in their life even if its far too late. And if things get too hard he pats their shoulder, leans down and reminds them 'horns pointed up, chin high' because nobody can take them down and if they are too numb to go on then he'll just have to re-ignite their flame.

Varric: Oh, he has seen that look before. Hawke carried it like a horrifying shadow of dread after their mom, after everything. He remembers the glazed over look, the empty tone of voice and the exhaustion. The way nothing is hidden on their face and he hates it. A part of Varric had promised himself to not let it get to this point, and he failed miserably. Varric never saw himself as much of a parental figure but somehow he falls into one pretty easily after that reveal, he is far less willing to let things slide. Varric is the first to admit he will put a bolt through Solas throat if he sees him again though.

Vivienne: She sees that expression, hears those words and she sees red. If you've ever seen this woman mad you've never seen her mad like this and it's like watching a mother lion with its cub. It's almost laughable when people try to get too close to do something after this, it's as if the Inquisitor has their own personal mom to freeze people at will now. She can't undo that hurt, she knows she can't, but she sure as hell can help them in the future.

Cole: Oh this poor lad, he feels that pain into his very core and it makes him feel like he will shatter and break himself. Cole is hovering, but not in the way that Cass of Vivienne is- he hovers in a surprisingly...helpful way. Cole whispers words of comfort, reminds them of the good and is well aware of when to be quiet. Sometimes he can help, not with everything, but this he can help with and he does so the only way he knows- words of truth and letting the Inquisitor wear his hat and hug him, obviously.

#its my comeback tour #cole #dragon age writing #dragon age inquisiton #cassandra pentaghast #vivienne de fer #blackwall #solas #iron bull #the iron bull #sera #dorian pavus #young!inquisitor #dragon age reacts

[futchgunk]

okay if i dont talk about this somewhere im gonna explode

im so fucking cut up about finding my headphones on my neighbor on the T, and having not contacted me about them at all!! They were a present from my lover and i didnt even recognize them as lost bc i thought i could trust my neighbors to be like 'hey these wireless headphones showed up at this house, are these yours we r trying to find the owner'. This was extra damaging for me bc i get really sensitive abt losing things bc of my biomom so like i didnt want to confront me losing a gift my lover got me, esp when i didnt even know where to start looking.

This is the same group of people who i was ostracized by and the biggest reach of support to me during my ostracization was 'im so sorry this is happened/happening to you'. It feels so transphobic!! it feels.. racist??!! it feels like transmisogynoir coming from the tranny eggpunk band AND the tranny hardcore band. like i feel like never knew these people that ive been hanging around with for a year+. i feel like all the love, time, and energy i had was just me making a clown out of myself to entertain more white people. like i got so enraged and upset about this i had to ask my alter to front so i could avoid exhausting myself crying over it and feel some sense of control/stability.

im so angry and a lost rn. as a tpoc im noticing my survival (social confirmity) to bend and shape myself to accomodate white fragility and im so sick of it. like i feel like social injustice has been done to me and instead of talking about it or feel any sense of catharis, i have to swallow hot viscous, bile and choke the tears down, say i dont feel degraded, pick up my pieces and find more koolaid to drink.

like if im gonna get demonized by both majority society and non-marginalized society, i might as well be where i wanna be and do what i wanna do and look how i wanna look because it wont fucking matter what everyone else thinks im just a rock too heavy to hold on to; a demon unwelcome en masse.

it hurts so much bc im trying to be a voice for community and community praxis. like i want to be able to help anyone if someone asks. welcome newcomers and oldtimers. i want to dissipate structures in your life, if even just for a moment. if i could make you a meal just so you could use the time for meal prep for whatever you wanted. i want to do your chores for you, if youre okay with it, even if we have never talked about it. i want to help you move along your life-goals/journey/passion. if you told me an arbitrary action would bear fruit for you, i will treat the soil and sew the seeds, not caring about whether or not i would get any fruit.

theres a feeling that im trying to describe. when youre held so still and taut and exhausted. so flush with exertion that you would cut your strings/supports just to feel the cool rush of air just for a moment, unthinking about how far the fall is. but you just one some semblance of control, an iota of self-determined significant action, no matter the magnitude of (perceived) self-destruction.

idk i would start all over again and make new friends but that means that transmisogny wins again?!! in my own fucking backyard!! transgirls can be complicit in transmisogny and the black transgirl is the victim!! how rich??!! right before the whipping girl reading group how fucking ironic.

#u can interact w this post #im gonna talk to my best friend about this on thursday #im feeling like i never wanna go to any koqueen or nursejoy gig ever again #i wanna go to the next koqueen and yawn throughout the set and burn my shirt #i think i would have so much more fun at ska shows or raves #transmisogyny #transmisogynoir

[thatbitchsimone]

I literally can’t stop feeling embarrassed in public. Do u have any advice on not caring what people think about u? It’s so exhausting walking around feeling like I have to be seen as ‘perfect’ or to impress literal strangers!!! Like I just wanna live life and not feel like I have to perform at every moment I’m in the company of others. Pls help xox

these random ppl are literally barely even noticing ur existence. and i dont mean that in a bad way or in a way that reflects on u, im just saying that we are all in our own heads and not paying that much attention to strangers in our day to day life. no one is analysing ur every movement. it might feel like it but u know deep down they arent and that its just ur anxiety playing with ur head.

also a good thing to keep in mind whenever u get that anxious feeling that u might have ”embarrassed urself” or ”looked weird” or whatever is that none of these strangers have any idea who u are. they dont even know ur name. u will most likely never see any of these ppl ever again and if u do neither of u will remember each other anyways lol. their perception of u has literally zero impact on ur actual life. maybe u tripped while walking past some random stranger and they saw u trip, sure in the moment u might feel a little embarrassed and awkward about it, but then what? u know this stranger wont even remember it like 10 minutes after bc it was an extremely minor incident that u know their brain barely even registered for more than 3 seconds. u also know that u wont even remember it urself tomorrow, it has zero impact on ur life. like just tell urself ”whatever these ppl have no idea who i am and will probably never even see me again anyways so it doesnt even matter what they think bc we are no one to each other” and then just tell urself to let it go and shift ur focus to something else. bc u know that this is just ur anxiety and insecurity gnawing at u and this is a fleeting feeling and moment anyway.

id also like to add that, assuming ur a woman, ur not alone in struggling with this. ALL women experience these thoughts and feelings to some degree bc we are all conditioned to take up as little space as possible and to always have other ppls (specifically men, but not exclusively men) perception of us in mind. google that male gaze quote right now babe. the margaret atwood one and the john berger one. it will help u see this phenomena more clearly and u will relate to it and maybe gain some insight into how u percieve urself and how what these feelings and insecuritites are rooted in and u will be like u know what? fuck that. like ur approach to this will start to change once u have gained this perspective and might even make u feel like rebelling against it which might help u to free urself from this.

u dont need to be perfect. i want u to be free and messy and loud. i want u to be imperfect. imperfection is peak beauty. women are wild and messy. thats the beauty in us. its the rawness and realness in the most gorgeous form. embrace it. be free and carefree and do u. love u queen <3 if i saw u literally laughing hysterically to urself in public i would be like oh she gets it shes the vibe i love her so much like BE FREE GIRL LET GO LET GO

#i wish i could just take u out in public w me and make u watch me act a fool from a distance and then just laugh about it together #and i could analyse u myself and tell u all the amazing little details i see and find gorgeous in u #im an expert at it honestly im very good at.. seeing lmao

[tojisun]

Any tips for struggling new JJK writers?

P.S. Love your content 💜 So glad to see your name pop up in my notification screen

hii!! im so sorry it took me a while to answer because i kept rambling and i was getting off topic uhhdhs

i have two main tips! but pls note that these tips are personal because this is how my blog grew and i dont wanna make you think theres only one way to grow ur writing blog yk?

!! write something from a popular genre + write something that gets you interacting with your readers

1. fluff and smut are easily one of the popular genres in fanfics and thats because theres so much flexibility in them!! theres so much headcanons and scenarios that fit so well with the characters ykk????

like us readers are genuinely interested in intimacy so u can see why fluff and smut are popular! theres something insanely beautiful in reading about your favourite character loving you in an honest and carnal way like ughhh we yearn and we crave and we luv so much!!!

i personally love these genres because i project so much on them shajsj im so so glad that my readers and followers allow me and even enjoy these works teeheee <333

2. my blog grew and expanded because of how we break. the first part of hwb was short so i wasnt even expecting people in my dms/asks wanting a pt 02 or clarification but when i started answering them, theres just an instant connection between me and my lovelies

like we’re all simping for one man yk so theres already that connection but because i was bouncing around ideas with my readers, we all cultivated hwb into something more than a oneshot!!

hwb continues to be one of my dearest works and thats because of how much my readers were having fun interacting with my work AND ME!!!!

im not saying that you should start a series right away bc ik how exhausting it could be to maintain a series, but series often allow writers and readers to really come together. and even though one is a creator and one is a spectator, because theres that connection of us just enjoying a work/character together, it feels more personal yk?

i strive for personal connection so when hwb offered me this love, i was excitable and uncontainable!! until now, hwb resonates to me because of how much work and love and connection was shared during the writing time

!! of course the most important thing is youre having fun with writing!! writing is like offering a part of yourself to your readers so having fun in what you do is integral <33

im sorry if this turned a little personal but i saw the chance to gush about my followers and readers because i genuinely love you all so much 🥹🫶🏼

i hope this would give you guidance my darling and i wish you the best and the kindest in your writing adventure <333 take care sweetheart and happy writing 💘

#anon #ask #i think i dont tell you all enough how much i love you all so heres the official I LOVE YOU MY BABES from me <33 #sorry im angsting rn #just realized yall have pieces of me and i got emotional

[sopebubbles]

Just a slight input of mine, as in my two cents.

I totally absolutely understand yoongi's and tae's pov about them feeling left out when hobi goes in heat and Jin gets all possessive, but towards the end we also see how yoongi also gets a little possessive about Y/N when hobi mentions having a room for Y/N ( as in yoongi wanting y/n for himself) so in that perspective shouldn't yoongi be a little more understanding of Jin? No? Just me?? ( This is what I feel) Jin could have had his own dreams and desires no?? While trying to do his best (from his perspective) for everyone in the pack...

and somewhere my heart goes out to Jin that maybe he wants to have a child with HIS HUSBAND with whom he's been married for so long and loves so much. And Jin isn't being selfish just that hobi is his husband first and then the omega of the pack??? Jin could have been trying his best under the pressure and with what all knowledge he has?? No??

My heart goes out to jin for trying to take care of everything and everyone without being able to express himself. Maybe I am wrong but this is just something I felt. And I do agree that buying an entire house without consulting with other members is wrong, anyone would be upset.

( also being a leader isn't easy, if the members do not say how is he going to understand, and even if everyone says something and share their input but in the end their points do not get selected that too leaves a sour taste(I hope you understand what I mean) and the leader, I don't know if they do, go about talking with everyone individually? That could be exhausting no?😔)

And I am so proud of Y/N for asking for help. good job MC. I love you for this, you fighter!!

Im glad you noticed that parallel with Yoongi's possessiveness! There will definitely come a time when Yoongi has to confront those possessive feelings when she's actually around AND others want to be around her. I think there's a bit of a difference in the fact that they're in a years long relationship and Jin is trying dictate how other people can be with Hoseok. Yoongi should try to understand Jin's feelings, no doubt, but it doesn't make Jin's actions to alienate everyone acceptable. It will be interesting to compare them as alphas down the line

And yeah, Hobi is his husband but if he wanted to be exclusive like that maybe he shouldnt have brought 3 other alphas into his pack. The most troubling thing about his behavior for them is that its a change. In his own heart Jin never did use to care about whose baby hobi would have, he would've just loved any baby of Hobi's as his own. But his mom put this idea in his head and the fact that he wouldn't talk about it just shows that deep down he knows its wrong.

I think all your thoughts make sense in a way bc those are very natural ways to feel, i just dont think those are the core issues, but im glad you're in Jin's corner! Pack alpha is a tough job and theres still an important issue that Yoongi raised which is that Jin sees pack alpha as a set of privileges (i get to decide where we live) instead of responsibilities (i must provide us with a safe place to live). I strongly believe that if Jin hadn't been first he wouldn't be pack alpha. Its strictly bc of his position as Hobi's husband that he has the role BUT his upbringing/family also makes him feel entitled to it (his mother would be extremely displeased with him if he wasn't pack alpha). The stress is honestly a bit too much for him and makes him close in on himself, not discussing with others and ultimately making bad decisions. At the end of the day, he should be at least discussing important decisions with his packmates even if he ultimately thinks that his choice is the right one. In my opinion thats the more effective form of leadership.

I know everyone wants her to rush back but im honestly very happy with yn for doing the best she can rn. Asking for help was huge even though she might not have asked for all the help we think she needs.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.

#lone wolf thoughts #lone wolf asks #thanks anon!

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

[[MORE]]

but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

#also am i dumb or do the read mores not work like that anymore?? #when i view my blog on mobile it doesn’t work lol so it kind of defeats the point sorry #but also i only use tumblr every couple months when i should really break out my journal so i can’t be bothered so figure it out rn

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] idk about oumasai but i def know about the former and for the billionth time im so grateful ur not on twt if tumblr has already shown that side of the Treatment for them bestie 💀💀 like genuinely me too i dont in any way wanna take out the enjoyment ppl have on that particular pair but I DO (and leave me tf alone) WANT TO EXPRESS HOW ITS JUST. not for me bruv. for so many reasons so many personal views cus its not just some first impression i been there since the pairing even Happened and ive thought through So Hard of all facts and scenes to conclude it (and also keeping them at a good r/s but not in the pair type of way?? imo i dont even see these two as closely familial either im also mixed abt the misconception and misuse of found family as one who LOVES found family) o(-( SO LIKE YEA.... exhaustion

"i wanna be /neg in the comfort of my own home" is the truest ever just scream into a wall of complaining but also accepting things wont go your way anyway,, and its not like im in the mindset im down bad hard Desperate for my own pairs 2 be official too. like idk?? this thing abt canonicity do be sumn that messes the fanbase up fr im just gonna be out there playing with my dolls and roll around in my delirium leaving everyone else alone 😭🤙

naur bc i will NEVER understand the obsession w/ wanting pairings to become canon??????? a) i love love Love when few to no pairings are canon just bc that leaves so much more room for imagining various pairings and how they would work in canon without there being a direct contradition, b) im gonna be so fr. most of my own pairings i do NOT trust the original source to do correctly

like,,, rwby ships for example bc there are SO many of those. freezerburn is never going to be canon, it never was, EVERYTHING about yang and blakes designs and development point to bmblb in every way. i fully trust rwby to make bmblb happen and to make it Work and Happen Well. same with renora. but freezerburn or renorarc? I Do Not Trust Them. i am SO much happier with neither of those being canon and me having free reign to imagine them happening or developing however i like and see best than i ever would be with either of them becoming canon and having a much more set-in-stone way of going down. crwby once said freezerburn would be divorced like THEY DON'T GET IT !!!!!!!! fools. cowards. they do not understand Not Like I Do. and thats how i feel about most of my own ships.

idk its just. imo so much more fun to have hundreds or thousands of fans with hundreds or thousands of different interpretations coming up with their own ideas and concepts than it is to see the One canon thing being canon. even if canon is done super well !!! thats part of why aus are so fun, why rewrites and re-imaginings are so fun !! i actively Do Not Want the vast majority of my ships to become canon how the FUCK r so many people out here arguing over which ship is or isnt :sob: and also who cares ??? whether or not smth is canon doesnt make it like. right or wrong that it exists. canon isnt inherently better or more valid it's just. canon. does that make sense. idk if any of this makes any sense god help me

#parasocial bestie tag #DORRY I RAMBLED im rly tired while answering this and it shows #also. SOOOOOOOOOO glad that you dont know that other ship #so so so glad #you are Free of the curse...........