#i can tolerate the heat wave there despite my antidepressants. and im genuinely happy and at ease

[lepidopterium]

!!!

#spent all day in agony in bed because my fucking parents keep dragging us around on this awful vacation to whatever suits their whim w/o #asking us what we want or even showing any care for how we're doing or adjusting #i didnt want to leave the house of my aunt in cairo. i have privacy there and its closest to what im used to living in #i can tolerate the heat wave there despite my antidepressants. and im genuinely happy and at ease #but now im at the aunt who lives in the country and. bless her i love this aunt but i cant function here #the water is polluted and spending most of the vacation out here dried up my hair and skin badly. not to mention i havent been drinking #enough water because i can only safely drink bottled water which is expensive #and truly ive been trying to make the best of things but im trapped. i cant go anywhere. im always physically uncomfortable bc i #cant get used to living in the country like this. im surrounded by people who act friendly and sweet but still dont take no for an answer #whether it be forcing me to eat meat or like in the case of my baby cousin sticking to me bc i listen to her talk #and im scarred from being forced by my family out here to apologize to my mother (and they tried to get me to hug her) after SHE pulled a #knife on me and the aunt from cairo had to wrestle it out of her hand #i feel ill listening to cousins i looked up to as a kid talk about gay people and effeminate men the way they do #and i cant be at ease bc as a woman i have to act and dress in a way im not only used to but despise #ultimately ive had to mentally erase who i am and my needs so i can get through the day to day here #bc i cant go anywhere. i cant eat or dress how i like. i have limited access to things that bring comfort. i can barely communicate. #i have no privacy. and i have to act polite and happy no matter how i feel. and im physically ill from this heat #i cant even use the bathroom out here. no ready access to clean water either. i dont even have these basic things #and im trying to sleep but everyone is in this fucking room and the lights are on and theyre all chatting so i had to bury my face in my #sleeve and just quietly cry because im exhausted and there's nothing i can do about it but endure #i want to go home. i want to at least be back in cairo where i feel semi normal. #im sick and need to shower with warm. clean. water #i can't keep enduring nonstop daily discomfort on the most basic level. and i have no where to go #and i feel like a baby for complaining. but there is nothing for me here. and i can only survive here by pretending im not here and just #letting things happen BUT. im at my limit by now. #she pulled a fucking knife on me and then they made ME apologize. she was going to kill me. #im all alone. i want to go home. #plus everyone keeps touching me. i cant get any space. everyone keeps talking to me about marriage and kids and then getting upset when i #say no. i dont want that. i mean it. its not a joke. i dont want that. why wont they stop fucking bringing it up. why do they insist it's #wrong of me to want otherwise. barely have a glimpse of who i am and already im teetering on disdain from jokes that are actually serious