#pa grape | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

popculturebuffet · 2 years

Text

Pirate Month: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A (Disapointing) Veggietales Movie Review (Comission for WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy pirates and welcome back to Pirate Month. I'm Jake, I review media I like, am paid for and ocasionally yell into the void about HBO Max and probably will again.

Today though I continue pirate month , my month long look at pirate media because why not. And today we take another stab with my friend, producer and guy who just sent me a shit ton of books entirely out of the kindness of his heart, Kev.

This isn't the first time it's been time for VeggieTales on this blog either as i've looked at both The Christmas Star aka...

As well as did an arson and went to jail. It.. it was a trip. It's sequel was okay, not nearly as loveably bonkers, but it still had Mr. Nezzer trying to tear down the church like the villian in an 80's kids movie, so.. there's that.

Despite the specials being bonkers it was still nice to go back to a franchise from my childhood, as I do geninely love veggietales and feel it has a place in the world, especailly as it promotes the GOOD of christianity (helping people, being a better person, generally not being a dick) instead of hateful regressive nonsense like homophobia, staying married even if it's miserable, etc. all.

So naturally I was fine with going back there for this flim. It helps the song the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, which the movie naturally launches from (Along with the three having shown up in the previous movie, Jonah, which i'm now obligatd to cover at some point) is an all time banger.

youtube

And honestly given Larry is one of the main character and Pa Grape and Lunt are often the best parts of the things their in, it's not a huge shock this concept would get a movie even without them anchoring the wrap around for Jonah I forgot existed. So I was always curious about this film even if i'd never seen it. As for my reactoin well

Yeah The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie: A Rope of Sand isn't great. Is it the WORST thing i've covered? Nope, not even by a wide margin. I'v ehad to deal with the racist, sexist , egotist known as Billy Butcher (Comics version, havne't seen prime, you Boys TV fans can relax), seen wolverine get shot in the nuts, seen gonzo get horny over a cgi chicken, and seen a dog transphobically vomit for 37 seconds straight. An agressively weak VeggieTales film is not going to be the thing that breaks me.

That said it was still a chore to get through. Even accounting for not being in the best headspace this week, every time I sat down to watch part of it drug on. For a film starring a bunch of vegtables who go back in time it's painfully boring.

In theory you COULD blame this on production: the idea was had at a bad time for Big Idea as they brocoli, celery gotta .. declare bankrputcy. Yeah it's always jarring to find out something key to your childhood, and sometimes your present day has something really dark attached, like when I watched the show SNapped and found out someone shot her husband in front of Charles Schultz Studio. You just.. never expect that sort of thing you know? So the film was planned for DTV till Universal swooped in and gave it distribution to a resounding

But really this is a company that has made TONS of great DTV films and half hours, has experince with these characters, and had already MADE one film. While it wasn't the film they originally wanted to make, execs rejected a bob and larry origin story ...

But they didn't half ass it, they put their heart into this film and into making it work and clearly took it seriously. It just.. didn't turn out good.

What really makes the film just not work for me is the story. The idea, despite being incredibly weird, is intresting and fun for an adventure movie: In this film our Pirates Who Don't Do Anything start as three cabin boys at a pirate dinner theater: Elliot (Larry) a timid but kind cucumber whose afraid of everything, Sedwick(Mr. Lunt), a selfish squash whose genius but also really lazy and self serving, and our lead George (Pa Grape) , a pushover whose own family has lost all respect for him. Things take a turn when they meet a blind seer foreshadowing the films plot.

Who is this guy? Is he god? A mutant with prophecy powers? The French Alps? We don't know> He's just sorta there, as the king sent him to test them and such. We'll get to him.

So our three heroes interpret the prohecy and trying out for the show, as George knows the lines and has the talent for it and Elliot was planning too anyway while Sedwick figures why not. And in typical stock comedy film fashion, it goes horribly wrong, their fired for the damages and left held low. I'm not against this sort of plot device as some truly great stories start this way, it just feels lazy here especially when the relization hit that a LOT of animated films use this, and as such I doubt any kid seeing this even fairly young ones woudln't of seen this done before and better. And as for me as a grown ass man whose seen this hundreds of times at this point..

So it dosen't start the film on the best foot. We go from an intro with a thrilling pirate adventure.. to three guys working at a dinner theater without that contrast really being as funny as it should be.

It picks up slightly when the main plot, which the film opens with, gets going: It's the golden age of piracy and Princess Elosie (A new character who WAS going to be Lara carrot, but it was decided she coudln't carry a film and I side with the creators on this one), and her butler Willory played by archibald esparigus, hide from Robert the Terrible, a pirate played expertly by Cam Clarke as he takes her brother. Robert plans to ransom the royal twosome to set their father up for bomb when he gets back from being away and with him away and without him they have no hope so they use his steampunk sphere, the helpseeker to find someone to help. Naturally it finds our three heroes who find a canoe, you know there's people who can teach you to buy one of those right fells and get stuck in the past. You likely can guess the drill from here: Our heroes decide to pretend to be heroes, Elliot convinces the others because he thinks it'll be easy and thus our quest begins..

With that we can talk about one of the films main problems: The characters feel really flat outside of Geroge. George, while not the DEEPEST character is still utterly likeable, a guy who lets people push him around way too much, has no self esteem, and whose family dosen't care about him. He's beaten down by life and his tendency to do what others tell him. While that isn't normal how he gets out of it and what he learns from it is fairly intresting: over the film he becomes a surrogate father to eloise, being the only one to take her belief in them seriously, and slowly but surely wanting to help her instead of just do what's easy, best shown durin ga montage played to the awful Newsboys Song "Yo Ho Hero", where he starts helping her. George slowly grows from a spineless.. er seedless wimp, to a hero, going out of his way to make sure the quest continues despite his allies, and later getting a hell of a moment when our heroes have to set out after eloise, Sedwick has left and the orb starts blinking, possibly meanin ga way home. As he puts it perfectly, he realizes why his kids don't respect him : he hasn't given them anything to respect. He hasn't tried to win it.. and if he's going to go back, if he can, he's going to be someone they can look up to, the kind of man who does the right thing even when it's far from easy and may get him killed. A hero.

The problem.. is the other two leads aren't great and the rest of the characters are pretty stock: Eloise is the optimist child who warms a characters heart, and a fairly subdued version, Archibald is a skeptic, Robert is a big bad guy who weirdly has limbs which somehow works despite this being veggitates because they look badass, Yuri Lowenthall as the Prince is the hostage... just basic characters. If this was JUST a special and not a movie, dtv or theatrical, i'd be fine with it. For an hour of story that wouldnt' be bad. But for 80 minutes of film, it's weak and Big IDea CAN do better. They have done deeper stories with Jonah, Esther The Girl Who Would Be King, Rack Shack and Benny, and laugh fests via the various shorts and action with the larry boy duology. The story is just too weak to have the characters this thin and the laughs are shockingly sparse. The story just isn't silly enough to be fun and isn't deep or epic enough to be thrilling.

As for those leads, Elliot is just kinda.. there. It does lead to him facing down a mecha sea monster with a sword. .but otherwise while he gets a moment or two (LIke him longingly starring back when Sedwick leaves the party, partly wanting to go.. but knowing i'ts not the right thing), but is mostly just.. there to move the plot along or mention a fear is on his list. Larry.. deserves better. As for Sedwick...

Sedwick is just obnoxious for the first 2/3 of the movie. He's lazy (which I can be sometimes), selfish, and cosntantly wants to bail. And while yeah he didn't ask for this adventure, a child is asking for his help.. and his response is to keep wanting to buck it or whine about his best friend you know, not doing that. I also don't get the sense he's REALLY geroge's friend as he gladly abuses the fact George is a pushover for his own benfit, earlier asking for barbeque sauce Sedwicks Girlfriend had asked for because it's too far for his "labor saving device", and it's telling I wans't remotely sad or conflicted when he left. And it's not great that I was rooting for the pile of sentient Cheeto's with teeth to murder him

Yeah that happens and it's one of the few jokes I liked in the film.

The two being such weak characters , as well as everyone else means I don't reallyc are what happens half the time. I only care about George because I LIKE him, the rest.. not so much. It dosen't help the action isn't funny or thrilling it's just.. there> There's no real sense of fun or adventure.. and this is a film that has a rock monster.. and a whole song about it at the end! I shoudln't be praying for death but death won't come!

It dosen't help the title.. has nothing to do with the premise. No really: our heroes are called that by a jerk and take it on as a way to gain Archibald I Forgot HIs Character Names trust, but they never sing the song or really play into the bit. And I get they can't be JUST the bit, that's fair: you can't have a character just be one thing and expect them to headline. It's why Shorsey fleshed the title character, who on letterkenny just showed up once in a while to be a dick and graphically talk about how he banged Jonsey and Riley's moms, out considerably giving him a backstory via his foster family, some friends he actualyl cares about and isn't a complete dick to, and a true love of hockey beyond being a vehicle for him to make your mom jokes. Here they just slapped a character trait on each of them, took out the part that actually made the title make sense or any sense of irony from that, and did it. It might of been better if they just cut out the present day stuff and had them as actual pirates who don't do anything with similar character arcs. George is the only character I feel would've suffered, but he could still have a family and such. Being a pirate dosen't mean you can't have kids. It just means you may not see them often and he dosen't do anything, so why would he have been that far up to this movie.

Finally we have the finale

It's a mess, slow, plodding an dthey fight robert THREE TIMES. I'm not kidding he gets beat THREE times: first when George decides to do something and drops a chandelear on him, which is awesome, then again when their chased, and about to die while in a rowboat

Enter the king who saves them. And the creators apparently tried to justify this on dvd commentary with "Well it's a bible parable"

Like.. out of all the VeggieTales projects this one has the least to do about jesus. I get the King's a metaphor for god or something, but ti dosen't work. he's a guy. He's not our lord and savior. Elloise is not Lady Jesus. I'd watch a series named Lady Jesus, someone greenlight that yesterday, but that's not the point. The point is this makes no sense and is a cheap way for them to KINDA beat robert.. but not really because as our heroes get star wars medals and a wizard of oz message about how good they are, they get sent home.. with robert hitching a ride.

So we get a THIRD climax, as our heroes have to fight Robert at the dinner theater. And while I do feel this is necessary, as our heroes need to win the day in front of everybody and get their jobs back, though weirdly refuse a promotion, it dosen't feel like really a proper climax. They just... drop a canoe on robert and send him home. There's no real tension or anything. Our heroes win, the helpseeker beeps again setting up a sequel

And we're out with a fun parody of Rock Lobster, Rock Monster. By the way this film had rock monsters. I liked them but didn't have much to say about them.

Overall this flim is just.. not great. And not even in a memorable way. It's just kinda there and you'll forget it not long after you see it. It's not really worth checking out, isn't streaming anywhere, and isn't worth your time. But thank you for taking the time to read this, feel free to dm me if you'd like to comission a review yourself, and i'll see you next time.

#veggietales #the pirates who don't do anything #universal #cam clarke #yuri lowenthal #larry the cucumber #pa grape #mr.lunt #Youtube #animation

10 notes · View notes