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amethystina · 1 month

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A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant?#A rambling?#An explanation?#It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

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morskisir · 3 months

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i'm really curious why you dislike the comics? /genq /nm

ooooh the dreaded question. i can get really passionate about this (i care too much) so i'm going to be as brief and simple as i can. i'm aware many people enjoy the comics and that's fine. /gen you do you. like i said; i care too much

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: we have no clue how much time or dedication was given to the comics by valve; the poor writing isn't necessarily the fault of the writers and i have no personal beef with them! with that said, old man yells at cloud /ref under read more/keep reading.

the two main gripes i have with the comics are lack of planning and tone problems.

as i already said, the lack of planning- and therefore the poor writing- does not mean the comic team was incompetent (the art is quite good a lot of the time, actually), but this does mean it severely hurts the quality of the comics themselves. it's clear they aren't sure where they're taking this (as evident by whatever the fuck is going on with helen) and what the story is even supposed to mean. the tone goes hand in hand with the poor planning; the comics aren't sure whether they want to be purely comical and action-focused or a DARK comedy; having serious moments and themes in the story.

in the end, the serious moments come off as either manipulative (iykyk. i am not getting angry about this for 40 minutes again) or as if they're being made fun of (cough cough sniper).

they also struggle to really build up those moments, so sometimes it feels as if they just came out of nowhere. it's really jarring.

there's also just. not a lot of conflict between the main cast?? there isn't a lot of pressure put on pauling from the mercs via questioning her actions, etc. (we only slightly get this from spy. but like once) (i get that it's to show how much trust they have in her but, really? not a single thing?) (this could build up to like. a "grand betrayal" sort of thing but yknow. they didnt think about the build up to anything)

this is why i think making it JUST the RED team really hurts the story- they already have set dynamics and don't need to develop or sort through any conflicts they have with one another. medic only has conflict with sniper of all people. MEDIC. who went to join another team which was actively hunting his previous one.

the comics introduce conflict and new dynamics by straight up making up new characters?? as much as i love zhanna- she was primarily put into the story just to be soldier's love interest and have a fun dynamic with him.... i'm so sorry miss.

they could've done that with demo btw?? since demo and soldier are supposed to be friends?? unless actually the team differences DO matter (which the comics do not make clear at all, engie is randomly blue while the rest are red. okay. why? wouldn't you like to know.) so red soldier and red demo dont bounce off of eachother as much as blu soldier and red demo do.

i'm not formatting this at all but remember the poor planning? ahem. sniper timeline. why did you make him barely 30. i will fucking kill you he was always clearly meant to be, look, and sound like an old man. its in his concept art its in how he talks. raghghgh

they keep giving themselves problems by adding new characters cause then the main fucking mercs who people adore get no time for themselves (demo, pyro, scout, engie) they're just kinda......there. it sucks. but it's what we got, i guess. just how canon the comics are is questionable- but i don't care if they are.

it's free real estate i'm doing my own thing!!!!!!!!!!! fuck around find out!!!!! be gay do crime!!!!!!! *gets arrested by valve for tampering with copyrighted material*

anyways, after all that negativity; shoutout to the only stuff i enjoyed from the comics: pauling, heavy, the art. goob byeeeeeeee

#ask #read at your own risk i guess- i do end up typing one trullon words #i can go into more detail but i won't. for the sake of my sanity. and i think many wouldn't like it either #edit: the one-shots are better. they're fun

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plasticfangtastic · 3 months

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Anybody Else Won't Do. Ch. 2

A Homeash Fanfic

A/N: apologies for the delay but I hope y'all enjoy this chapter if y'all wanna be tagged plz let me know, prev. chapter here:

Tags: romance, fluff, Homelander warning, dadlander, slight spicy not really smut.

Chapter Two

He tried controlling the narrative, flirting with some of the single moms, some receptive and some terrified of the kind of wrath they would incur from his woman if she ever found out.

What took him by surprise was the disgust of the alpha moms– the audacity of him to be openly unfaithful in a room of mostly married parents, they thought of him as shameless, unbefitting of his image, certainly not the Homelander they've known for decades, and he could tell by the way they stared at him from a distance.

These women were spiteful, protective of their code of honor, and mothers who dared flirt soon found themselves in piranha infested waters according to playground whispers.

Homelander could only find the situation disturbingly familiar.

Disgusted looks for him and pitiful stares welcomed Ashley.

Other parents became nicer towards her, suddenly actively trying to befriend her, throwing invitations for coffee and to join them with their kids for playdates whenever they spotted her, most of the times catching her by surprise and all she could do was smile awkwardly in absolute confusion as to what was going on, at first anyways… eventually it began to eat her with anxiety for they had a habit of speaking over here, convos being so brief she hardly had a second to spit out her words, or a child that was at times just as pushy as his father pulling her away before she could respond properly, at times she wonder if Ryan was trying to protect her from that pack of hyenas instead of being impolite.

And it was all she could think about at work, the words wife simmering in her mind.

Watching him grumble and curse after another verbal lashing disguised as a meeting she stays back as the rest of the team leaves, he lifts his gaze annoyed to witness he wasn’t alone.

He straightened his back, grinding his jaw but he isn’t menacing– he’s visibly uncomfortable by her presence, it’s admittedly both unnerving but masochistically soothing to witness.

“Can we talk?” She tried to sound as sweet as she could, for she was just as frightened as he was uncomfortable– is about Ryan…”

That washed away his discomfort and wrapped him with anxiety. She hurried to take a seat as the man eagerly awaited for her to spit it out, his eyes so wide she wondered if she should’ve worded things differently.

She takes a deep breath before turning her phone towards him, he stares at her annoyed, ready to bark and growl until he reads the speech bubble.

“You’re not on the groupchat.”

“What am I looking at, Ashley?”

“The Mom’s groupchat… I don’t know how they found me and added me to their groupchat but you're not there and–” She takes her phone for a moment and switchest group– they added me to a private one… with Brooklyn and Steph.”

Homelander designate them as the alpha moms, the leaders, those so fawn over that their lives were not just exemplary but worthy of imitation-- from the way they dresses to their way of thinking after all they were the creme de la creme of New York City socialites: classy, wealthy and beautiful. The kind to get their own spin-off of The Real housewife of New York type, MET Gala invitee for no reason type, he was certain that at least one of the women had been on the show... if not at a Whitehouse dinner for Steph's perfume was familiar, and her husband some congressman.

Homelander took the phone off her hand, almost cracking the screen as he read the exchanges.

“I’m cheating on you!?? We are not even together!?” He shouts, his eyes flicking faster than police sirens in a high speed chase– what…? They think am a scumbag!?”

“They gave me their lawyer’s phone number in case I need it.” She bites her lip– I don’t think I can pick up Ryan anymore–

“So they think that you left me because I cheated on you!!” He barks– You don’t leave me Ashley! I leave you!”

He threw the phone across the table, his mouth ajar and his eyes so wide and mystified by it all.

“If this gets out… dear god I would have more than TMZ on my ass.” He stares at the phone from afar– Fucking Brooklyn Buccellati… How long has she been spreading this? How long have you been in these groupchats!?” He shouts.

“Two weeks before I noticed you weren’t in, I mean you don’t like using your phone much Homelander and Also Ashley handles your socials so I didn't notice am so sorry, sir… and maybe for a while…”

“Are all these jobless bitches just gossiping and talking shit about me in there?” He began to sound hurt, his eyes getting pink in the corner– I can’t believe they didn’t include me! Am Ryan’s actual parent!! Not you!”

His voice tries not to crack at the end, as miniscule as she was the thought of her replacing him haunted his thoughts, Ryan who was fond of her, who didn’t hate her or found that being around her was a waste his time... certainly seen her in a light Homelander never had and now he feared this was by design and not his son's innate compassionate soul.

Last night memory of being in the theater watching 'Cats' was soiled even further by the fact that that was her recommendation the kid had followed, he had picked her's over his, and irritation that had been carried snce last night.

Ashley was unknowingly trying to replace Homelander, she wanted to steal him away and take him back to Vought’s lab, he thought. His heart palpitation tickled his ears… she was just another one of them not somebody he should trust… a familiar voice whispered to him alone, he was struggling to breath and yet Ashley could only sit there wondering what was eating him up.

“It’s mostly talking about tutors, extracurriculars and tennis… but yeah they don’t like you and I think they kicked out some of the members because you flirted with them, Homelander.”

Ashley shrank in her seat.

Her tone was so normal… spiced by anxiety… he calmed down a bit reminding himself that she was useless without him, he had broken her and groomed her to his liking, she wouldn’t have the audacity of conspiring against him.

She didn’t have it in her to hurt Ryan... not anymore.

He paced around the boardroom, she dared not leave for fear this was her fault, for she barely replied to the messages mostly lurking and answering things about Ryan’s schedule obviously Brooklyn and Steph’s kids were friends with Ryan, Homelander had competition in the fake bitch department for that woman was perfectly poised and friendly when he was around, never acting like she was better than him, never letting him suspect she held such disdain, even when sharing bellinis while Ryan joined her son Credence for piano lessons no wonder she wouldn’t shut up about owning a Grothian, she was bragging about being more cultured than this beach blond hick, and he had been too narcissitic to note.

Yet as he took a deep breath he realized that he couldn’t intimidate her, he couldn’t kill her– he could but it might not be a good idea; she had too much social clout to risk a Starlight-lite situation… especially not when he was being used so heavily in a presidential campaign, a scandal was the last thing he wanted in his lap.

“Okay. Who else knows about this? Beside Miss Piggy, Annie Sue Pig and the Snowths!”

“Just us.”

“You have to fix this. You have to cheat on me… publicly.” He said with a deadpan tone– flirt with one of the mom’s or dad’s I don’t care– just have your cooch eaten, then we “break-up” understand?”

“We could also set it straight that we are not a couple” Her grimace was painful to look at.

“Oh, yeah.” His smile comes with a whiplash– You’re just my pet.”

Ashley could feel her own brain malfunction, maybe it was the casualness of his tone, frankly she had been forever curious as to what he saw when he looked at her but never did she picture herself with a collar– a minion, slave, a servant, a grunt, those were things she could definitely see herself as.

But not a pet.

“Pet?”

“A gerbil, with your big eyes and nervous disposition.” He takes a few steps back towards her– little, simple minded, adorable and easy to break.”

Her jaw tightened as she processed his expression, he walked towards the discarded phone mockingly lamenting the cracked screen before returning it to his owner who sat defeated.

“It be easy if we release an official statement but I think it is best if you just use those manicured paper pushing thumbs of yours to type one final comment.”

“But that would mean you won’t have access to their conversations anymore”

He had just missed that smirk forming in her lips.

His eyes perked up, likign the sound of her idea... there were benefits of knowing the backdoor gossip, to learn what he could use against them, and for once he was glad to have Ashley around.

“Oh you think I could what… blackmail them? With what stolen gluten-free eggless carrot cake recipes?”

“They talk shit of their husbands… of each other… am sure they wouldn’t like it if anything leaked… it’s an invite only exclusive group.” Her smile as sharp as her nails– am sure we could cause a little scene just to get back at them for thinking they are better than you.”

He felt his ears grow warm, he gave her a pat on the shoulder.

“You are the only one left worth something in this company, it seems.”

She watched his cape sway as he left, she cursed silently as she digested his words: A gerbil. That’s all she amounted to? After all the abuse, after doing everything to win his graces, all she was was a glorified rat– bit rich coming from the lab rat, she thought.

It made her throat itch, as her eyes burned slightly. He had no right to see her that way after all she has done for him, after being the most diligent and loyal person in this room– certainly most of it came from being utterly frightened by him but it wasn’t without perks, she was CEO! 5 years ago that would had been a fantasy, forever just an assistant always running to get matcha lattes for Stillwell and the other execs that laid eyes on her, she had broken her back, endure disrespect and unfairness before landing her first major league gig with 'the Seven' back when Starlight arrived, she was so proud and excited for the opportunity to prove she was more than just a glorified secretary... but somebody of value to Vought.

Then of course she was fired.

She could still feel the throat pain from screaming, crying then hollering when she got the call from HR saying that The Homelander had personally recommended her for the job, a man she had sworn had barely acknowledged her existence.

If she was in the room he might had given her a glance, call her by the right name 4 out of 10 times, he barely bothered with her yet the moment she finished that phone call– she was over the moon, to think that deep down he had noticed her… then the incident and everything else after and continues to happen… Now it made sense why he liked her above all the others.

She was just his pet and people liked their pets.

She was glad that it came with the security of being in his inner circle, people kept their distance, gave her respect and did not piss her off for she was Homelander fave… lapdog more accurately, but still only he got to belittle her not them.

So she squeezed her fist so tight she fail to notice the blood under her nails.

She was gonna force him to say he liked her.

After all they have endured together, she would make him like her.

To look at her.

Not at the gerbil fursuit he dressed her with.

Is not like the bastard had friends… subjects most definitely but not even a real confidant, just him in his depressingly emptied tower.

And what better way to bond together but by scheming petty vengeances? For he was the pettiest man in the whole kingdom, it should be easy, she thought.

Homelander scratches at his ear thinking of her big green eyes, her sultry expression, that flirty smile that was obviously trying hard to be alluring… he never expected that woman to even be capable of it, much less that it would fail to disgust him.

That even if he suspected she could betray him, he didn’t despise her… trusting her inability to try to fuck with him.

It stayed with him until his head rested on silk pillows, silk was a slippery thing but it was good for his skin allegedly, yet he hated it on nights like this.

Rolling side-to-side, earning no eyeshut or rest, no force can’t keep his eyes closed, he rolls off his bed walking around with a dried mouth, his apartment sparsely lit by manhattan’s skyline but is not like he would bump against anything. He looks around the various groups still working in the offices below most of the building its barren, not surprising considering its past midnight, he can tell The Deep its still binging some comfort 90s sitcom, A-Train has left the building probably hanging out all night with his friends and the others are either asleep or glued to their devices– he can’t say he’s entertained wrapping his silk robe as he defeatedly moves towards the kitchen with the hopes that a drink will help him sleep.

He continues looking beneath him, following the working ants that are still glued to their computer screen typing incessantly while half-drank coffee cups and energy drinks piled up on their desk, security guards doing the rounds and a scientist yawning as he does his runs.

A glass fills before his ear catchest muffled moaning, a dirty smirk decorates his features as he follows the sounds, taking a sip until his eyes catch a glimpse of a nasty scene, a man having his bindings undone, his hair a complete disaster, his behind covered in red stripes from the belting he’d received and his darkened gaze it's glued on the woman speaking to him.

He takes a bitter sip as he witnesses that salacious sight.

Blouse hanging open covering very little of a lacy two-piece set... bold choice he noted.

Homelander could care less about what the two are speaking of, for all he knows Coleman is not even in the room, all he’s witnessing… all he’s paying attention– is her body, that demure expression of pure satisfaction as her hand smoothly re-wrapped a pink rope.

Licking his lip as she fixes her hair, her lipstick smudged just a bit.

Homelander stays planted on that spot thinking of gossiping tongues, women looking at them solely as a pair, it peeved him, unable to accept that it peeved him to see her make such an expression to men like Coleman and Bourke, when she could be aiming higher… after all he was the best she would ever get even if it was just for a rouse.

Giggling in the dark, he continues to watch her.

“They think you’re my wife… at least they think you can pull better than that! Have some self-respect Ashley” he whispers to himself– jesus…”

Watching her until she’s home alone, glad that she has a day off tomorrow, showering without care, her hair had returned and now styled into a trendy pixie cut he much prefer if it was longer… it suited her best, brushing her expensive wig before finishing with her skin care routine, he can’t say he was entertained.

But he watched, feeling nostalgic.

tag-- hope you enjoy this @ultrasoniccarousel

#homelander #homelader fanfic #homeash #ashley barrett #the boys fanfic #dadlander #my fic tag #personal #not proofread read at your own risk #sorry i got depression and am struggling to do a lot of tasks these days but am happy i was able to get this done #should be posting my other fic tomorrow or friday and the next chapter of this sometime this month #guess i should tag this as fake ralationship trope next time #ashlander

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oh-cut-to-black · 1 year

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Happy Holidays and a Successful New Year!

A gift to @kurotsukiyami as part of the @moshangevents‘ Secret Santa Gift Exchange. I’m so sorry for being late and I hope you’ll enjoy your gift ^^

#mesecretsanta2022 #moshang #og!moshang #svsss #Scum Villain Self-Saving System #angst with happy ending i guess #all kinds of content warnings do apply #open at your own risk babeys!!!!!

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tasmanianstripes · 9 months

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People need to practice minding their own damn business

Don't come into people's inboxes giving unsolicited advice or criticizing their personal stuff. Don't reblog somebody's posts saying how much you hate it and their opinions.

Don't like somebody's characterisation, AUs or the kind of art they post? It might even annoy you?

Okay, cool. Go make your own post. Block them. Be a little hater about it to your friends. It's good for your soul!

But don't be goddamn rude to people. Don't make it their problem.

"I don't like what this artist likes mah mah mah"

Here's a wild idea;

Artists...don't need to cater to you. You are not entitles to their work. Nobody on the internet should coddle you and post only stuff you like.

Shocker, I know.

#thylacines can talk #Yes this is about PK #When you like an antagonist people expect you to be a negative nancy 24/7 and put a disclaimer everytime you make something with them about #how much they suck as a person #Guess what! Having to shittalk your fave all the time to not risk being 'that kind of fan'...isnt fun. It's miserable even!#Anmoying as fuck too! Yes I know he did this unforgivable thing. I'm not an idiot. That's why I like PK. Fucker's got nuance #Is he a bad person? Absolutely. Will I talk about him being a bad person and the horrible things he did? Also yes. When I want to. It's #very fun to explore that part of the story and how it influenced their victims. Will I give you a fucking essay on why he's a bad person #everytime I want to post something funny or lighthearted about him? No. Piss off.#I cannot only focus on angst and heart-wrenching part of the story. I also like to make stuff of the lighthearted parts of my AUs.#And I don't feel like writing down an entire disclaimer and breakdown of how PK's and WL's redemption arcs went to justify it #Having to constantly put disclaimers to justify you liking a morally grey and bad characters is EXHAUSTING. Only being able to talk about #this character with someone when it proteins to how awful they are is EXHAUSTING.#YES they're bad people. But going into peoples dms or inbox or tags and talking to them about how ugly and bad and evil their fave is #exhausting to deal with and NOT fun. Like I. KNOW. LIKE LET ME LIKE A DEEPLY FLAWED NUANCED FUCKED UP CHARACTER IN PEACE WITHOUT HAVING TO #ALWAYS PUT A DISCLAIMER OUT THERE ABOUT HOW AWFUL THEY ARE. GOOD GOD.#It's especially annoying because I like characterisation of PK that is very morally grey. To me purely evil and not compassionate PK is #fun...in a short run. I much prefer a man whos riddled with guilt over what he did even if he believed it to be necessary evil and who dies #Because of his regret. I love the idea of a father who sacrificed his own children so that no parent had to lose their own. And the tragedy #of him deeply loving PV and still doing what he did. A good person who was faced with an impossible choice and committed unspeakable #cruelty for what he believed to be the greater good. A man who doesnt believe he's deserving of redemption not forgiveness and who doomed #himself. I like a nuanced morally grey PK with LAYERS. Treating him as a purely evil uncaring person who never loved his children sucks ALL #the fun out of him for me. And don't get me wrong I LOVE villains who are evil for evil's sake. I LOVE old school Disney villains who are #scumbags just because they can be and have a little bit a swag to it. But PK just. Isn't that kind of villain to me.#I don't even like calling him a villain. An antagonist? Maybe. A morally grey character that kicked off the entire story with his one act #of unspeakable cruelty? Yup. But I don't see him as the villain of HK.#Wow that was a long rant #Well I got that out of my system at least #I love the Pale King and I could talk for HOURS about why I love him as a character and about his actions. It's just tiring when I have to #do it to justify myself and my lighthearted content of him.

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the-trans-dragon · 7 months

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It's hilariously therapeutic to watch Cutthroat Kitchen because a lot of the time, when a man loses, he has the funniest little reaction.

Like even if the judge was very clear and explicit about why he got voted off, he'll be like "I thought my dish was great. I shouldn't have been voted off. I deserved to win, because I'm a good chef no matter what the judge said." (When they've done things like serve uncooked meat or used a plain century egg as garnish)

Like goddamn, people are surviving just fine, without constantly being upset with themselves for small mistakes? They can even ignore huge mistakes and chose to believe they are perfect, and apparently this has been a successful survival technique for them because they're still alive.

So maybe I can forgive myself for small things. Maybe I can be nice to myself about it. Apparently I could even lie to myself about it and pretend it wasnt a big deal or wasnt my fault I'd probably be fine--so it's probably okay if I let some cereal expire, and if I can't fend off the guilt and self-loathing about it, then its a valid option to just say "well its the cereal's fault for expiring" or something silly to escape the pointless unbearable guilt.

Like I don't plan to do that for meaningful mistakes, but why not resort to Overconfident Man Confidence to dodge debilitating shame over throwing away a single paper bag that I've been reusing for months and it's finally beyond use but I feel like I'm wasting resources and should fix it? My guilt and shame aren't playing fair or logical so I am allowed to use sneaky tricks like "borrowing confidence from a man raised to believe he is never wrong" to fight back lol.

#sorenhoots #i know its just a silly show but it makes me happy when i see people lose gracefully. when theyre like “dang i did mess up on that. ill #remember that in the future as i continue to be the great chef i know i am“ like yay growth and happiness and kindness. but when theyre lik #“i guess the judge doesnt appreciate FLAVOR” when they have concocted a flavor generally unliked--yknow its good to push limits with art bu #when you are making something to be palatable you...have to....make it palatable lol. and if you want to be proud of your weird dish then #thats super cool and i love that but when you blame your loss on “it isnt my fault they didnt like my absolutely bizarrely seasoned food”#mmm it is kinda ur fault at that point. and in a competition to impress judges you might not always win when you gamble and take risks.#idk. maybe it doesnt even matter! who cares about humbleness? why do i care that they recognize their own limited control and power #over their circumstances? probably im just mad because i cant relate to their uninjured ego. perhaps i should try to have a stubborn ego #just once and see how it goes. maybe next time i die in a video game i will say “uwaa well its the DEVELOPERS fault for making the game too #hard“ and see how it feels :p probably feels silly but maybe it will widen my perspective and allow me to see a third option besides #self loathing or refusal to admit fault. :3

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linoguy · 11 months

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i like that they view the songs and performance as one because again, the reason im here to begin with is because i wanted to watch cool dancing that fit my taste and they did the trick, and then i loved their music so v much. but i do wish they viewed their music as stand alone too <3 they have intense and intricate dances that they're not gonna be able to do once they hit their later years (if they're still together) so its like -.- look out for our own backs boys, pls

#theres certain songs of theirs that i Have to dance to when they come on so in that sense i too view them as one but BUT!!!!!!!! music is #music. you won't always get to hear it live. some bands sound great live but suck in the studio that's just how things can be and vice vers #i fear that a lot of kpop doesn't think long term in the sense of musical longevity. they're looking for the next big song to make money of #of and i understand that's how the industry runs but! wouldn't you like to be able to listen to your own stuff as a group later on and thin #'we had a really solid discography. let me put this on'#things should be able to live on even outside of their context in my opinion and i hope they're considering that #i guess which was my concern for 5 star being a summer album rather than a For Us album #but honestly with this intro vid im actually feeling more confident about how homey it feels? like they're playing on home turf with this #album if they know it might not go down well with some fans. they know exactly the risk they're taking and they can do it because its an #album for them and for the fans #longwinded much.........................#<3

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12freddofrogs · 5 months

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Very weird to be in that stage where a show is grabbing hold of your brain, but you haven't finished the show so you cant interact with fandom because spoilers, and you're watching it with someone else so you can't even just keep watching until you finish

#i am enjoying watching it with a friend and tbh having an assigned 'we'll watch it now' time is prob my best chance of finishing #on my own steam i'll probably burn out in s4 or something as per usual #but like its - i figured it would be a fun little zombie supernatural detective type thing #i thought it would be fun but was not expecting to start brainstorming fanfic ideas #granted who knows in advance what shows are going to be blorbos #but like! the charismastic asshole villain has amnesia! everyone is aware he has amnesia and are just kinda like #'we kinda pity you but you still suck'#and when he's just like 'okay?? why??' they were more than happy to give him an overview of the past two seasons #so now he's just like 'oh. okay. i. guess i am a serial killer that i cant remember. how do i deal with that?'#and idk how its going to end but i have a half-drafted plot of him getting his memories back steadily and is just like #'you know i didnt feel bad about it while doing it #but if you want to get some persepctive on your life develop amnesia and look at it from purely objective standpoint.'#or other plots like the time the love interest got arrested abd was being very very concerned about potentially starting an apocalypse #he didnt want to! he desperately didnt want to! but it was a risk #but yeah if i open a fanfic it'll probably say 'oh so how X died in the series finale' or something #and then i'll just have to accept X is dead

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kittycat-92 · 4 months

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JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE LAST EPISODE OF MLP. i am feeling things i cannot express

#AJGSGNSJGSGJGJJGJG ITS ALL SO WEIRD #my predictions for the end of the show was 'world peace'#and i guess they did achieve world peace. everything is good in the end #i also thought that maybe cozy tirek and chrysalis would have a redemption arc. since this show has a thing for making villains friends.#because its about friendship. but oh well it didnt happen sucks to be them lmao #also cozy glow makes me so confused like???? shes just a kid and shes so evil???#like girl what did they do to you. where are even your parents #last time i saw fictional kids being this evil was when i watched a youtubers Kindergarten gameplay #the kids in that game are insane. play at your own risk lol.#anyway i want to cry so hard because i just finished mlp #my little pony #my little pony: friendship is magic #mlp #my little pony season 9 #post

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bladehorror · 1 year

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Ok, tiny-ass tag. Convince me. Why should I, a Flight Rising player, start playing Lorwolf? What's the appeal?

I am asking as a former Wolf Girl™️ who's really tempted by the cool art. For reference, I like that FR gives the players freedom to focus on any one of its in-site goals (bestiary, coliseum, the (soon to be revived) achievement system) independently, and of course the customization options. And when I played Neopets, I really enjoyed the involvement of plots, with the story developing along with the progress of the players (not a surprise, I'm looking forward to the FR Adventure Mode). I have not checked lioden/wolvden because they look very daunting to get into and more punishing than I like my petsites to be.

Lorwolf is brand new so I'm not expecting the same refined gameplay and big community FR offers or the sheer volume of Stuff To Do that Neopets has. I've watched the gameplay videos on the official site's channel and though a lot of it looks neat, I feel like there's a lot of sitting around waiting for timers. Even the minigames are automated to a point (I get the accessibility pitch though that's neat). What are the active tasks in the site? You know, stuff to do while waiting for the timers. How do I not get bored of it, is what I'm asking.

I am looking. Pique my interest. Make me want to check it out first-hand.

#lorwolf #i'm guessing for now a lot of it is Make Your Own Fun #and I'm down for that #jobs look interesting to play with in lore and your den's structure #you get the fighters and the miners and the. idk what else is there to do with wolves lol #also a second question is do I run the risk of losing myself in the site because I have a tendency to obsess over stuff #and neglect real life #so oops lol

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lokilickedme · 2 years

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Aiden just called Fausto a leghumper

And Baltho’s just standing there lookin’ all

He’s waiting for them to stop arguing so he can resume his lecherous pursuit of the Gravedigger’s prime tush

#I love these guys #The Magnussen Ultimatum #Baltho shouldn't even be there #but there was a battle and you know the Strada love a good fight #they don't even care who it is they just love the chance to throw down #technically he's wanted on this side of the Barrier #but who the hell is gonna risk trying to catch a Strada??#you just hope he doesn't show up unexpected #and when he does you hope he doesn't take a liking to your posterior #and if he does #oh well sucks to be you lol #oh no Aiden pointed the Ramba at him and he took it as foreplay #holy crikey not even Clarissa knows what to do now #and Kaine was just like you're on your own bye #and just #buggered off #whelp I guess that's that been nice knowin ya cutiepie

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wickedghxst · 11 months

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i shouldn’t give my spider-sona invisibility. but i want to.

#her ass would rob a bank immediately she is Not dodging the villain obligations. especially with a suit that looks like That 😭#this is hard. there’s not even really any crime where i live. & even if there was she would Not give af abt robbery or most non violent shit #so like. tf would she even do? web up cops at protests? become an eco terrorist? & good fuckin luck web slinging around the plains dipshit.#i guess maybe if i move her to seattle or smthn. problem is i mind my own business too much to care unless someone’s at risk of gettin hurt.#so. not a whole lotta opportunities to do your typical spidey shit.#i know i don’t Have to give her a backstory or anything but i kinda do. actually.#bc unfortunately for me i’m incapable of designing characters without also trying to come up with reasons for everything abt them.#how’d they end up here? why are they the way they are? etc etc. you ever need someone to write meaningless shit & timelines. im your gal.

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firebirdsdaughter · 2 years

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Look…

… Does Myst IV have its issues? Yes. Is the acting, esp Sirrus and Achenar, hammy and ridiculous af??? Hard yes.

Is that part of the reason I love it??? HELL YES.

I can’t help it, I just love the cheesy hamminess of the dude who plays Achenar esp??? Like did Achenar ‘luck out’ w/ the prison ages? Yes, definitely. But that’s almost like. A point in a way? Plus it’d be weird to have two of the exact same world just. Chilling out in the open, that’d at least arose suspicion, at most scream ‘trap.’ The writing is a little clumsy, but I don’t think you’re supposed to think that Sirrus is super worse then Achenar—I think the differences in their imprisonment is meant to be a factor in why you’re meant to trust Achenar. Sirrus’s issue is he mistrusts everyone. He takes Atrus and Catherine’s visits as a sign of mockery, assumes they ‘love’ Yeesha more. He can’t fathom sincerity or honest affection, expects everyone to have an ulterior motive or be stupid, and his prison age just makes that worse. For Sirrus, isolation made him worse, where as Achenar needed… Maybe not complete isolation, but a controlled environment with things he can’t gain power or rule over. Sirrus’s prison age exacerbated his pride and callousness while Achenar was able to cool off and self reflect. But of course, I don’t think Atrus really expected anyone to fall into these traps, and again, he’d never imagine his sons would. He just wrote two different types of prison Ages, maybe wrote Haven a bit after Spire, or something. He didn’t plan them out w/ a particular person or personality in mind. It’s not his fault that they choose the way they did. The cookie crumbled that way and it made them different people, and there was very little anyone could have done to anticipate these exact things happening.

Now, I should note that I dunno what an alternative ending would be for them, bc despite all of this, it will never make the things the willingly did go away, what’s done cannot be undone. I very rarely think anyone deserves death, but narratively I can see why they did it. It’d be hard to integrate Sirrus and Achenar w/ their past issues hanging over them (esp after III). I’m more just musing on a comment I saw once that kinda had an almost complain-y tone to it about, so I wanted to say that I think that’s part of the point. I think you’re supposed to to notice the differences/benefits of each prison world and consider it in your decision.

#Myst #Myst IV: Revelation #Spoilers #I… guess???#it is ten years old but proceed at your own risk #I did also see someone be like 'oh of course the tree hugger is the good guy and the tech guy is evil lol'#and I'm #y'all see how much tech Atrus makes???#this has shit to do w/ Sirrus creating technology #which Achenar essentially does w/ his own contraptions #and more to do w/ Sirrus losing his empathy and being so mired in his own vices/assumptions he fails to understand #the genuine attempts at reconciliation and Yeesha's earnestness #his pride was wounded and never got a chance to heal #however different he is from Achenar I do think Sirrus might've done a bit better if there were those #at least rather intelligent life forms in his age too #it's not 'tech is evil' it's more 'extreme isolation and lack of emotional bonds bad'#Sirrus wasn't bad bc he (somehow) made tech but bc he got left to stew in his anger and ego for twenty years #also whining about hippies got old like #ages ago and this is more than a decade ago NOW so get over yourselves #Things You Didn't Know Fire Was Into

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