#okay this got me rly sad cuz i relate to a lot of this

[mysmedrabbles]

RFA Reacting to MC Growing Up an Orphan

requested: by anonymous

a/n: oof this actually turned out really cute so here ya go lads! enjoy!! if you’d like to buy me a coffee click here

warnings: light alcohol mention, but filled with fluff and comfort and kindness (saeyoungs delves more into abuse and emotions)

-somft mod alex

Jumin

-its a semi drunken night when you tell him, you’d finally gotten Jumin to loosen up after a long workday, and were now on the couch together, Jumin’s head on your chest as you ran your fingers through his hair lazily, letting the alcohol dull your mind as you listen to him rambling about his childhood

-it must have been an offhand comment you made that sparked his attention, making him rise from the comforts of your lap as he stares at you incredulously. you sheepishly tell him your story, and although he’s sensitive with you as to not upset you, he’s horrified to learn that you were constantly neglected in your childhood, growing up without a place you could actually consider a home

-he listens to you, quietly concerned as the alcohol hits him hard, and the next thing he knows he’s passed out on your shoulder.

-when he wakes up he has only a faint recollection of you telling him of your past, but he doesn't bring it up; partially because of a raging headache and partially because he didn't want to upset you, you looking so at peace reading something on your phone, a loving smile forming on your lips as you sense him watching you

-he’s not one to go in full steam ahead (well- he is, but he reAlly wants to be subtle with this) but he tries his best to make living together feel as homey as possible

-he talks to Yoosung, the Professional at all things Family, and realizes that he should tone down the money spending to ensure your comfort and instead use that time to do things together, bond over small dumb things. 

-knows that as much as he would want to go back in time and fix your childhood, give you the love you deserved, find you a home, the past cannot be changed. so instead he opts on building the sense of family between the two of you

-he takes you to ikea (Saeyoungs idea), and the two of you find new furniture, something that fits your tastes as well, to redecorate the penthouse. 

-imagine jumin trying to assemble ikea furniture 

-he gets frustrated with having to do things like a commoner, but bless him he’s trying his best to do it for you, and the way your face lights up whenever the two of you do something “domestic” or “familial” makes it all worth it. it’s a learning curve for him too, and despite his protests he cant help but admit that he was missing a lot from his childhood too but it brings him peace knowing he’ll soon be building a family with you ;^)

-he’s not willing to get rid of the giant aquarium pillars, however he lets you get them some cool aquarium furnishings and plants

-goes grocery shopping with you more often, and overall spends more time with you, even telling chef to take the weekends off from now on, opting to cook together instead, and even though most of the time things end up burnt or tasting weird, all that matters is that the two of you have fun

-everyone thinks he’s lost his mind, including for the RFA, who's in the corner crying because “What happened to our cold emotionless Jumin Why Is He SO Domestic”

-teaches you to waltz 

-the day you make an offhand comment about how you consider him your family, he stops and starts tearing up, pulling you into a tight hug as you confusedly kiss his cheek, only slightly worried about him

Jaehee

-it was one of the first things the two of you really talked about, a kind of bond forming over past trauma and losing a part of your childhood. 

-she’s a very action forward woman, knows that she can’t change the past, but she sure as hell can help you heal from it. 

-she takes you to show you all her favourite sweets from her childhood, and takes you to spots she loved sitting in as a kid, trying to share these experiences with you

-she challenges you to a race to see who can climb to the top of a tree the fastest, and it’s one of the few times you see her truly free, giggling as she watches you struggle up the branches, meeting you with a kiss when you finally reach the top, and with her it feels like nothing else in the world matters, that in that moment the only ones that exist are her and the sunset, making her smile shine, casting an ethereal glow on her face as she caresses your cheek lovingly.

-tries to take more breaks to spend more time with you, building more memories in places that most people deem “kiddie places”

-yes im saying she takes you to SkyZone and/or a ball-pit

-she gets lost in the ball-pit, slowly sinking lower and lower as you have to dramatically rescue her

-diner dates, sharing a milkshake and relaxing together after a long day of work, and although none of it can bring back the past, her devotion to giving you fu childhood related memories lessens the pain, and the memories that you build with her of course will always last forever 

Yoosung

-he’s always so excited about meeting your family, about joining two families and building a new one- with this boy its always about family, so how the hell do you bring up that you dont actually have one?

-when you do finally tell him, he stops in his tracks, trying to process how that could be

-he’s a good listener, bless him, and he listens to your story, how you were mostly in and out of orphanages and foster families and grew up a child of the System. 

-at first he doesn’t know what to do with the information, and feels the deep pangs in his chest when he realizes that you missed out on so many things growing up, things that he took for granted

-you already view him as family, (frankly its hard not too, his general attitude towards you, the constant loving gazes, the way the two of you were always there for each other, mixed with the annoying comments of the RFA on how the two of you are “so married” making it hard not to), but he still sets out to make you feel like his family is yours

-this means he introduces you to his family.

-he knows how nervous you are the day before, and calls ahead without you knowing and tells his family to take it easy and not overwhelm you

-however they still do- overwhelm you with love i mean

-his grandma is immediately sizing you up and telling you to eat more, asking what size sweaters you wear and his dad is making silly jokes at your expense, yoosung holding your hand as him and his dad go back and forth one teasing,  one protecting you. his mum is smiling, holding a wooden spoon as she steps out of the kitchen, calling yoosung to help her with the cooking

-his sisters dote on you, introducing you to their husbands as their children run around in the background screaming in happiness, yelling at you to join them in playing tag, and their gleeful laughs draw you in. stopped by yoosung as you run into him, almost making him drop the mashed potatoes, and the look on your face is priceless, making the whole day worth it

-you get along with his oldest sister spectacularly, and you have your time to joke about yoosung as you ask his grandma for embarrassing stories of yoosung. (you enjoy watching his get increasingly flustered as he tries to hide in the crook of your neck)

-you and his parents have a long chat, ending in them hugging you and telling you just how much they appreciate you and the way you’ve made his son grow. the two of you seem so happy together, perfect even.

-it’s almost one in the morning when the two of you start heading home. as the two of you walk to your car, he colds you close to his side, placing small kisses on your cheek as he watches you smile softly.

- “mc i know, i know that you,, may not have had a family growing up but know that,, know that you always have a family in us, you’re a part of my family now, and you’ll always have us. we’re not going anywhere.”

Seven

separate post [here]

Zen

-he’s a good listener, and listening to you talk about growing up poor and alone breaks his heart

-he can empathize, he had to grow up too fast, but he can’t even begin to imagine what you had to go through

-he’s there for you, always trying to make you feel better, and even though you never had a true family, he always lets you know that you’ll always have a family in him, even though you aren't legally married yet, nothing can stop him from calling you his family

-he’s not one to go all big and grand, he knows that logically you can never get that time back, but that doesnt mean you dont deserve that same childish delight that most people get 

-he’s one to treat you closer than ever, like true family, constantly reminding you that he loves you and protecting you from everything he possibly can, doing everything in his power to make sure that you’re protected from pain

-carnival date!!!!

-he takes you out to the carnival, playing all the booth games with you, making it a competition who can win more (the winner being no one)

-you get your face painted, a cliche green butterfly under your left eye, zen getting a matching red butterfly under his left

he ends up just buying you a large teddy bear, unable to have actually won you one (he’s extremely ashamed of himself but its the thought that counts)

-the two of you go on a carnival food spree, buying a little bit of everything as you walk hand in hand to the ferris wheel, (eating with a view amirite)

-please know that he’ll always do anything in his power to keep you safe and make sure you know you’re loved. you’re his family and, along with the RFA he’s yours.

#okay this got me rly sad cuz i relate to a lot of this #mystic messenger #mystic messenger imagines #mystic messenger headcannons #mystic messenger fanfic #rfa #rfa members #rfa reactions #mysme jumin #mystic messenger jumin #jumin #jumin han #mm jumin #jumin x reader #jumin x mc #jaehee #jaehee kang #jaehee x mc #mysme jaehee #mystic messenger jaehee #mm jaehee #jaehee x reader #Yoosung Kim #yoosung route #mm yoosung #yoosung #yoosung x reader #bisexual yoosung #zen #zen route

[nagichi-boop]

Ways me & Submas are similar

Guys I’m not sorry, I gotta self indulge (and answer the question for myself of which twin I relate to more). Also I should note that while I am going to try and stick strictly to canon facts about Submas, some of these will somewhat veer into headcanon territory.

I will include links at the end to a couple of posts by someone who talks in detail about Ingo and Emmet’s personality in the context of them being autistic. This is by no means me suggesting I self dx (tho if you’re a self dxer reading it you’re totally seen and valid!), it’s just that their post includes a lot of references around their personality that I touch on in this post. So if you’re not sure what I’m talking about when I mention an aspect of Submas in a specific piece of media, chances are these posts will include them.

Spoilers for PLA ahead

(Also a few of the points are mildly venty)

Ingo

1. Flat facial expressions

This is mostly covered in Pokémon Masters and the Adventures manga, but Ingo isn’t the best at expressing himself facially. In Pokémas he expresses to the player that he has been told he looks very stern and is shocked when the player tells him that they have never seen him smile.

If I’m deep in thought, I’ll often get someone ask if I’m okay, I guess because I look sad when I’m not rly trying to mask. I also have a specific memory of sitting with my brothers for a picture and trying my best to smile, but my mum told me to smile anyways. I told her I was and one of my brothers told me I needed to stop being depressing. It wasn’t that I was sad (although I don’t particularly like being in photos), it’s just that I can’t really smile on command. I have to be genuinely happy to smile or else I have very awkward expression.

Also this is a side point, but I am bad at showing my emotions I think? For example, if you give me a gift, I have to strain myself to feign excitement. I will usually try and over express in my voice because I’m aware my face probably doesn’t really scream gratitude. I’m not sure if this is more tied to my depression though as it can take quite a bit to get me excited, though I did tear up from happiness when I got my Pokémon Time Sneasel plush so I have no idea. (Please look at pictures of the plush btw, it’s cute as hell- )

2. Loud when excited

Again, Pokémas is the main source of showing this, but when Ingo is excited, he yells “Braavo! Excellent!” very loudly.

Not really much to elaborate on here, but I often get told by my mum to be quiet cuz when I’m excitable (particularly if I’m talking about something that interests me), I start getting loud without realising it.

3. Talk too much about my interests

This is something that both twins share, but Ingo talks a lot about trains, especially when you consider him in Pokémas. I know I keep going back to that game but man does it give us a lot of cool tidbits about the twins.

I struggle a lot with small talk (I’ll touch on this later) but if you ask me a question about something I love and I feel comfortable that you won’t judge me, I will absolutely talk for a long time about such thing. This doesn’t happen much in real life since I hide most of my interests, but as a kid I know I annoyed myself friends because I would often talk about things I liked that they honestly didn’t care or ask about. In a way I’m jealous of Ingo and Emmet because they have each other to talk to about their interests and so aren’t ashamed of it. As for me, I have been unintentionally conditioned by those around me to believe that talking about what I like will make people hate me, so I don’t often get to pop off unless it’s online. Heck, this post is arguably me popping off about an interest.

4. Expressive language to compensate

Unlike Emmet who speaks stiffly (again, coming back to this later), Ingo speaks very formally when he speaks. It’s more apparent in the Japanese translations, but even in the English versions of the BW games, Ingo speaks in much longer sentences and with a more formal tone compared to his brother.

I don’t tend to speak that way because often times in too anxious to go “off script” (another thing I’ll elaborate later), but in terms of written speech, I tend to write a lot more formally in order to give the appearance of maturity. This doesn’t just apply to writing to places like the doctors but also just people in real life. Especially if I’m not comfortable with them, I will often speak in a very “retail person” esc manner - that is to say I try to be friendly and palatable while distancing myself personally in order to seem like a nice person. It’s not that I would say I’m a jerk, it’s just that I’m a lot more goofy and dorky when I don’t put effort into what I’m saying.

5. Speaking in references and puns

This is again something both twins do, but Ingo uses train puns in his everyday vocabulary. This is something that is true across all pieces of media and it just shows how much Ingo (and Emmet) loves trains.

I don’t make train puns, but I definitely do pick up quotes and mannerisms from fictional characters. At school I once said “I’m going to need some more popcorn” as a reference to MLP and to my surprise someone actually picked up on it. I can’t really think of any recent examples of using references in real life, but online I like to try and incorporate things from sources I like. I have started to say “verrry” in messages online and I’m also trialling “cool cool cool”, as a reference to the tv show Community. (If any irl examples come to mind, I’ll edit this section, but I don’t really speak to many people irl and when I do, I try to mask my personality as mentioned earlier.)

Emmet

1. Monotonous speech

I think it’s a bit easier to tell from Emmet’s English lines in Pokémas, but unlike Ingo who is very excitable and expressive in his voice, Emmet seems a lot more subdued. It’s not that he isn’t excited - in fact his facial expressions and body language scream the opposite - but he is a bit more monotonous when he speaks. And though it’s a bit reaching into headcanon territory, it seems possible that Emmet likely tries to “tone down” his excitement so to speak, which may also explain why he isn’t always vocally expressive. (Here’s his Pokémas English voice lines btw.)

If I’m not deliberately putting effort into sounding expressive, I tend to sound quite flat in the way that I speak. It probably doesn’t help much either that I have a rather deep voice. It’s not something I really care about, but when I did a stream a few weeks back on Discord, I did ask later in the stream whether I sounded more feminine or masculine and they said my voice could be interpreted as somewhat neutral. I guess that doesn’t rly mean monotonous, but I definitely sound more “girly” and expressive when I am making an effort to seem social and friendly as opposed to just being myself.

2. Social scripts

In the main series games, Emmet has a very formulated way of speaking. He even says himself that what he says and does doesn’t change, most likely because he scripts what he wants to say so that he is equipped for social situations.

I social script a lot. I often play out situations in my head and try to think of what to say in a variety of different outcomes. And when I speak on the phone, even for very short and simple calls, I often write out a script so that I know what to say as I get very stressed about saying the wrong thing. Even when I don’t expressly have a written script, I tend to repeat certain set phrases in situations. At work, I’d always greet customers with a “hiya”. I did a few times try to change it to “good morning” or “hello”, but I would often chicken out as it felt uncomfortable somehow to switch my greeting. Also, just the other day on the phone, when the doctor was telling me something I kept saying “thank you, that would be really helpful” every time she said what she was going to do to help me. I was aware I was repeating myself, but I couldn’t think of another way to express what I wanted to say.

3. Stimming is verrry fun!!

This is one of those instances where I veer a little into headcanon territory, but a few canon things that Emmet does can be interpreted as stimming. One example is how he walks in the manga. He swings his arms widely as he walks, which is most likely a stim. Him saying “verrry” could also be a sort of verbal stim or tic as well. And although the pointing pose he does with his either is actually a point and call method that train conductors use, some people have pointed out it’s actually quite a fun way to stim.

I don’t really walk like that - in fact my way of walking usually involves me either holding onto my bag straps, fiddling with my hands or doing the good all Raptor Hands ™ because holding my hands by my side feels unnatural to me. But I do stim in other ways! Much like the fandom interpretation of Emmet, I often flap my hands when I am excited, although usually when I notice myself doing it I stop myself. (I’ve had this stim for as long as I can remember, but I never knew what it was and part of me just thought it was silly, so I am now in the habit of stopping myself when I notice I’m flapping my hands.) I also clench my fists and shake them if I’m watching something intense and getting excitable over it. Then there’s other things like fidgeting with my hands, singing, doing a little dance, etc.

4. Losing a brother

I should probably immediately clarify that my brother is alive and well! What I’m speaking of is a metaphorical loss. While we don’t know what Emmet is going through as we haven’t seen anything canon about how he’s coping, how long Ingo has been missing from his life, whether he knows where Ingo is, etc, there’s a lot we can learn about Emmet from other sources. We know from multiple official sources that Emmet looks up to his brother a lot. He constantly praises his brother.

While I actually have two older brothers in real life, I remember being closest to my older brother, so this point is about him. He was the one who looked out for me, who would help me when I was stressed. I looked up to him so much and loved him to bits. But then when he moved out and got married, it almost felt as if he left the family. My family and I rarely get to see him and he doesn’t make much of an effort to reach out to me, either. I remember distinctly looking up at him once and my brain didn’t register his face as familial anymore. It feels like he is an acquaintance now, which is probably reflected a lot in how I talk to him. It’s formal and scripted, much like how I talk to people I’m unfamiliar with. Logically I know he’s my brother, but with my lack of object permanence I have for people and the fact I rarely interact with him anymore, it feels like he’s not my brother anymore. For those who have watched MLP (or even those that haven’t), an appropriate way to sum up how I feel is something Twilight said; “I could have gained a sister, but instead I just lost a brother.”

- x -

Well that was a lot longer than I expected oops. That’s what happens when I’m allowed to pop off about Submas and myself I suppose! Hopefully this was at least interesting to read? But let’s be honest, this is mostly self indulgence to compare myself to and project my own personality onto this beautiful dorks.

Also, I apologise for ending it on a really depressing note, so if you need a pick me up, please read the amazing posts below! It’s a really good analysis of the autistic traits that the twins exhibit and a lot of the points are things I mentioned/referenced in this post.

Links for the autistic Submas analysis posts:

Emmet

Ingo (and Emmet)

#pokemon #pokemon bw #pokemon legends arecus #pla #pokemon masters #submas #ingo #emmet #nagichi talks

[kinktae]

How dare you bitchin!jungkook ?! HOW DARE YOU ?!

very NOT spoiler free bitchin’ 8 asks under the cut

Y/N SUPPORT GROUP

deliciouslydisturbed365 said: I just read chapter 8 and holy fuck I’m nauseous. Poor Y/N 😭

queen-emon said: What the literal FUCK man, I just read Bitchin 08 and like im so broken. I never ever consider Y/n and I to be the same person but this time I felt like we were the same person both getting our hearts crushed by the man we loved so dearly. I AM NOT OKAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME! THIS IS SO NOT GROOVY :(

Anonymous said: Me🤝y/n Repressing our emotions

madjammil said: I am legit crying. Poor y/n! I cannot believe Jungkook slept with Kiri! My heart is broken. I thought these two were finally getting together and he goes and does this dumb shit! Smh. Aside from that, your writing was amazing as always! I love this series so much!

YARA BULLY JK PETITIONERS

Anonymous said: omg i can’t believe jungkook is rly going to get his dickie chopped off 😍😍😍 deserve! can’t wait until yara finds out

Anonymous said: Ignore jk, y/n!!! Gosh she deserve so much better than a fboi who only cares about how he feels physically!! Ahole to the max and I need her to slap him! Yara can join along the slapping game!! But srsly he needs to learn his words alone can’t mend this and I hope y/n doesn’t give in so easily cuz he deserves cold shoulders from her for a very long time and don’t just rely on charms to get his way. Ik he was trouble from the start 😔 y/n dear don’t worry you deserve better

casualxexistence said: So 👉👈 um like is there like ANy chance that we get to see our baby yara’s reaction to this 🥺🥺🥺👼 bc um well I would kinda love to see her hand both jk and kiri there asses bc they aren’t gonna hAVE ANY AFTER SHE FINISHES WITH THEM RIP

Anonymous said: dude, what if y/n hooks up with tae and starts beef between jk and him while yara bitch slaps kiri….. dude bitchin’ has such good drama theories wtf literally anything is possible at this point

Anonymous said: if yara doesn’t punch kook can I punch him? Not as the oc I meant like me BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK

forvever-ddaeng said: I keep rereading this last part like it’s somehow gonna change or it won’t make me sad the more I read it but it’s having the opposite effect and now I want Yara to beat Jungkook’s ass smh

Anonymous said: WTFFFFFFF YARA GONNA HUNT DOWN AND KICK JUNGKOOK ASS FOR HURTING HER BABY

JUNGKOOK ANTIS:

Anonymous said: what the fuck is wrong with bitchin’!jungkook does he think with his dick i wanna kick his ass

Anonymous said: why jungkook would do something like that if he likes y/n? i would be so mad at him too like… isn’t that kind of cheating? he didn’t say if he was back together with his ex but he slept with her so that must mean something, she probably thinks it means something. he was really stupid 

omgtaehyungsmullett said: i know jungkook fucking with me, dammit 😡

Anonymous said: I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD JUNGKOOK DO THAT WHY

ausjeons said: Jungkook what the fuck!!! I could slap you silly after reading part 8 😪😩

Anonymous said: Team make jk suffer for awhile and then be able to patch things up with the oc 🤝

Anonymous said: I read ch8 last night and this weighed heavily on my mind all day like why is jk such a hoe? Like how could he just sleep with Kiri just like that. I think these children are very confuzzled with their feelings. After he slept with Kiri, did he rush to y/n bc he knew this was the end of their “relationship”? One last passionate banger goodbye 😟 my 💔 broken heart

Anonymous said: I ain’t even sad. I’m full on rage mode. WHO TF GAVE JK THE AUDACITY , THE ABSOLUTE BRAWN TO STICK HIS DICK IN KIRI AND THEN , NOT EVEN A FULL DAY LATER ( cuz yk that would be farrr too gracious ) WITHOUT A WARNING , WITHOUT A FRICKING GOOD MORNING EVEN , GOES TO FUCK OC AND THINKS THAT’S OKAY???? Good to know OC and whatever his relationship was with her was worth less than a nut😒

Anonymous said: i’m actually sad… like wow. i really expected him to go back, i really did. but even though i knew it’d happen, it still hurt, y’know? i think that made it worse; knowing that he’d go back to her in the end… shit’s fucked up, really. great job writing it. i could literally feel the emotion from this one.

Anonymous said: Bitchin ch 8…..oh wow the smut was so nice and fluffy but wtf JJK messed up big time. Honestly I don’t think he deserves oc after this. She deserves someone who isn’t so unsure of his feelings that it takes getting back together with and sleeping with someone else to realise it. If he really liked her, he wouldn’t have slept with Kiri.

Anonymous said: “ArE YOu MAd?” Srsly what brand of clown juice is Bitchin JJK drinking?

Anonymous said: TAE AND Y/N HOES BRO ENTER THE NEW SHIP FUCK JK

cchristinnaa said: Jk really did yn like a pocket pussy huh

Anonymous said: HOW COULD JUNGKOOK OH MY GOOODDDDDDDDDDD literally men aint SHIT….. the part where y/n said you got what you wanted from me🥺🥺🥺🥺 I FELT THAT ugh i love the angst

Anonymous said: Hope jk dieS from jealousy next ch. And regrets it skdhdhd :( jk. Hope they get their sht 2gether soon or im gon 😷😖😭

diortae said: me: *explaining to bitchin 8 jk why he’s a dick for calling Y/N his “pretty girl” immediately after fucking her raw the morning after he slept with his ex* 

jk: well, you know what they say. hindsight is 20/20 

me: KINDA SEEMS LIKE REGULAR SIGHT SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT ONE

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK IS ABOUT TO MEET THESE FISTS UP CLOSE THATS ON GOD THAT DUMBASS LIMP DICK BITCH REALLY FUCKED UP

Anonymous said: I HATE JJK HES AN ASS FOR GG DOWN ON 2WOMEN HE CAN JUS F HIMSELF RN

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK IS GONNA GET HIS ASS BEATEN UGHSHHSKDHXJSJ MOTHERFUCKER WHAT? WHAT??? THIS BITCH IS A RIDE OR DIE AND UR GOING AFTER FAKEASS KIRI REALLY? FOR REAL I THOUGHT UOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS BUT NO ALL MEN DO IS LIE LIE LIE

Anonymous said: the way i closed the tumblr app when i saw jungkook saying “kiri came over last night”

Anonymous said: alright we beating jk’s ass @ noon 😤

Anonymous said: WHY WOULD JUNGKOOK DO THAT TO OC LIKE WHAT I AGREE WITH OC HE USED HER AND THAT MAKES ME 😡😡😡😡😡

Anonymous said: BITCHIN PART 8 WTFGGGG MY HEART Do be Hurting . i’m going to beat jungkook up !!!!

betysotelo18 said: It’s been a few minutes since I read part 8 and I can’t stop thinking about what could happen next… the meanwhile F U jeon Jungkook, you did wrong

Anonymous said: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I CANT 😭 WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS CHAPTER HUUUU JUNGKOOK WTFF BRO…….. my heart is breaking for them. Why can’t they just date already wkxbdbbdjdjdjdjdjdj this is onky misunderstanding right? and thankyou for the new chapter sis hihuhihih💕💕

Anonymous said: im shocked i dunno who i hate more rn you or jungkook. my heart is literally SHATTERED he better fix this or else im traveling to the 80s just to kick his ass 😭🤬

Anonymous said: never want to punch jungkook in the face like i wanna do right now

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK 🤬 for the love of god rose why do u did that to me i wanna die

Anonymous said: ROSE WTF WAS THAT MAN !!! my heart it hurts and like wtf jungpuke!! Why would he do that to reader !! why would he sleep with kiri and then sleep with reader ?!? Like go siekkeksjdjejjejdbehhe i wish i can put in reaction pictures in here

CUTIE PIES

Anonymous said: Omggg thank you so so much for this chapter, for the whole fic. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are a great writter. Seriously! I just love how every chapter is so intense. Not only the smut is amazing but every detail, every action, the whole plot, all of the dialogues. I actually cried at the end I love how I can really feel everything. All the emotions. Ah and they’re so cute!!! But why was JK so weak? Even if that’s what you wanted since the beginning… I thought- BOY WTF??? :’( But seriously this is the type of thing I love, I am WEAK for this. The slow burn, the oblivious idiots that love each other but keep suffering thing. And you write it so well. Your mind!!! Your talent!!! I love it. Thank you, for real ♥♥♥ I’m antecipating the next chapter, but already sad that it’s almost ending :((( I’m gonna miss this a lot. Anyways, take your time, baby. And have a nice day! ♥♥♥ (Sorry for bad english btw)

tinievmin said: ROSE. IM IN PAIN. I FELT THE BREAKUP BETWEEN YN AND JUNGKOOK. IM SO SADDD. But not related to the plot, your writing is ART. You always make it flow so well aND WOW!!! I don’t have enough words to express how much I love your works

AND FINALLY, AN INTELLECTUAL

Anonymous said: kiri is a bitch i said what i said

#ask

[thefudge]

scattered thoughts on sanditon so far 

this is a fun romp from andrew davies and there’s a lot to like and be invested in

but i do have some observations/ gripes

obviously davies is going for a modern/sexed up adaptation of austen and i have mixed thoughts on that, cuz there’s a lot of interesting stuff you can do with that, but you can also botch it up big time (i’m glad he didn’t do this to p&p back in 1995...i wonder what that adaptation would’ve looked like today. probably full monty darcy, lol). so i think some elements verge on the ridiculous, for instance having almost every dude in this show strip naked in front of a crowded beach several times in a row. ditto for theo james. i don’t mind the view (hehe) but i think it’s inserted awkwardly at times. like okay, we get it, it’s a beach resort and we’re trying to make austen edgy in 2019.... just maybe indulge a little less and literally keep it in your pants. 

this being a more modern adaptation i don’t mind hair and make-up anachronisms, but i DO mind the fact that rose williams sports this really weird shade of fuchsia lipstick in almost every single scene. stop iiiit

speaking of which, rose williams is a cutie and i loved her on reign, but i don’t understand what she’s doing with her face in this series. don’t get me wrong, she does a good job of making charlotte very likable, but the only way she can express...anything, really, is by making these confused faces, like a child practicing frowning in the mirror. it’s...really awkward. and she does this all the time, whether she’s happy or sulky or nervous, she just always looks like she’s trying to figure out the fibonacci sequence.  i mean it’s hilarious when u have theo james going all gruff to her about his feelings and rose williams is that gif of the blond lady doing math in her head. her acting is pretty good otherwise, but those faceeeees.

esther denham is my goddamn FAVE, gosh i love a Disappointed Queen and i’m glad she’s getting away from that boring skeevy brother. for once the incestuous siblings didn’t do it for me at all (which is pretty much the point lol). there’s nary a dude more uninteresting than edward whatshisface, my gaaaawd (also, davies trying to ramp up the sexiness with those scenes of edward brushing her hair or doing her stays...lol, sir, this rly isn’t your strength i’m sorry)

but i have to say that i thought esther and clara would be a thing. because my gosh, the chemistry during their scenes! the way they’d glide past each other with utmost contempt, while being disquieted by each other @___@. i mean it’s an austen adaptation, so i guess they’d never go there but!!! i need fic (would’ve made clara more bearable at least. i appreciate her character objectively cuz she’s an interesting pseudo-antagonist and you don’t get many of those, but blerghh. she was insufferable)

i was kinda (actually very) disappointed that the relationship between sidney and his ward, georgiana, wasn’t really developed. like there’s one more episode to go (as far as i know?) and they’ve barely scratched the surface with them. i mean he’s halfway decent to her now.... but ehh. i feel like this was a missed opportunity. after all, this was austen’s unfinished novel, so andrew davies & co could have added more material between these two. this, to me, should have been the real heart of the series. 

i like otis as a character, but georgiana/otis was zzzzzz. i suppose that they’ll end up together? zzzzzzzzzz (i frankly ship her way more with arthur! she finds him infuriating! he’s a sweetheart! the shenanigans!)

that German doctor is the real MVP, i feel like he should be sanditon’s no. 1 bachelor. i mean the shower rod??? providing pleasure to all the ladies in town, what a hero 

the soundtrack is rly rad! and the cinematography

i love how the show captures austen’s growing interest in the industrialized modern world which was emerging in the twilight years of the regency and i feel like maybe the show should’ve invested more time in that modern aesthetic (steampunk!) rather the awkward sexual shenanigans 

so....i can’t delay the inevitable anymore, can i? sigghh okay here i go

sidney/charlotte...annoys me. 

HEAR ME OUT.

 u know that i love LOVE “enemies to lovers” and hate/love stories, i LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. 

and i was ready to gorge on this dynamic because it looked delish 

 but i felt like michael bluth finding the dead pigeon in the paper bag. 

from what i can gather, sidney is supposed to be a mixture of darcy and capt wentworth, “haughty” and proud, with a history of romantic disappointment, a brooding sexy hero with a heart of gold. but to me this dude just comes off as weird. 

there’s legit no reason for him to be THIS mean to this young girl he just met. he is not just an asshole, he is ridiculously over the top about it, to the point where he makes a fool of himself. i am FINE with a man telling a woman off, believe me, but it has to have some kind of motivation, some kind of reasoning behind it. here, it just feels like the plot needs him to be utterly shitty to charlotte so that “sparks will fly”. that first ep convo on the balcony??? wtf???? it was genuinely bizarre. i got weird incel vibes. and every time he lashes out at charlotte (at least in the first 4 episodes) it’s fucking silly, because it’s not like he lashes out because she’s scratching the surface of his innermost painful memories. no!!! many of their arguments revolve around basic things that he could easily clarify!!! which he does eventually, so like whyyyyyyyyyy. charlotte keeps telling him he’s being vague for no good reason and he still does it. it doesn’t make sense he’d be this guarded and outspoken at the same time. like, fine, keep that shit to yourself, don’t tell ppl, but don’t also get pissed at them when they don’t guess your mind. again, i love an antagonist dynamic when it’s done right, but here many times it’s just pointless bullying, it’s not sexy or fun or challenging. the writers keep making charlotte apologize to him about how “wrong” she got him and how he makes her doubt her judgement but it sounds fake to me. like a) this dude went out of his way to be a total assface to you from day one, b) none of that bullying was him trying to coax you into having a more complicated view of the world. when darcy rebukes elizabeth, he is hinting at her limited point of view. he’s not blatantly negging her or calling her stupid as this dude does. AND U KNO WHAT.

i’d be absolutely fine with him calling her stupid IF IT MADE SENSE WITHIN THE STORY 

like if charlotte had truly done smth stupid during the first episode, sure, fine, it’s somewhat warranted 

but for him to decide she’s an idiot for no other reason than her making some honestly super nice remarks about his brothers when he asked for her opinion is THE HEIGHT OF NONSENSE 

it’s even more nonsense when 2 episodes later he decides maybe she’s not that dumb after all FUCK U MR. EDGELORD

and it makes me pity charlotte cuz she’ll probably marry this dude and have to deal with him in his old age when he’ll be even more insufferable. 

and i totally get the appeal. i do! i mean their scenes are manufactured to make you want more of them, i see the chemistry, it’s there (and we’re already at a point in the series where he’s trying to make amends) but at the same time i’m put off by this dude’s intensity, cuz it’s not the hot kind of intensity...it’s more like he’s a giant dumb baby who breaks things. meh. theo james is very pretty tho, and he is doing the most with his character (that voice def helps!). but i wish this antagonistic relationship had been written better, because it could’ve been glorious

this is why i think sidney/georgiana should’ve been so much more present. just like darcy has his georgiana we need the humanizing element, we need to see more variety from this dude than just “guy who clearly needs anger management classes”. 

i’m pretty sure i’m in the minority or possibly one of two ppl not won over by this romance, and i can’t lie and say i don’t root for them. too much of this show is predicated on their clashes for them not to work it out and get together, but boyyyy do i wish they’d done it a bit better

i almost feel like a reylo anti lol, but at least kylo ren doesn’t neg rey every single time they talk 

also, i go back to rose williams’ faces because they just rly enhance how clumsy this dynamic is. theo james is doing byronic asshole 2.0 and charlotte looks at him like he’s developed a smell lmao. i mean the scene where she catches him naked? she turns around and FROWNS in this rly bizarre way, almost like she noticed a growth on his dick lmao it’s that bad 

anyway i totally get the appeal, but i also know what i want from this kind of dynamic and...this ain’t quite it 

honestly i think i prefer charlotte/cute architect guy whose name i don’t remember right now! 

that being said, my fave moments of this show are the most austen-esque, where ppl don’t take themselves so seriously. i mean the adventures of the perennially-ailing parker siblings (arthur & diana)? deeeelightful. the pineapple scene? glorious

also it makes me sad that sanditon was left unfinished because to see austen tackling georgiana’s character in depth would have been so, so interesting 

in conclusion, the show’s a lot of fun but also frustrating in many ways

i hope davies doesn’t set his eyes on re-adapting p&p or other austen classics because ermmm i know i’m trash but i am kind of tired of these sexed-up “look how scandalous we are behind closed doors” adaptations. you can make the regency era feel modern and relatable without “shocking hand job in the estate park” pls and thank u. sure, the regency era was the inheritor of the sexually relaxed 18th-century, but it wasn’t that relaxed yall. ppl still kept their wits and bonnets about them.

still, i’m glad this show exists and that it tries to take risks, i just wish it took different kinds of risks, if that makes sense. like i am SO bummed i didn’t get into sidney/charlotte, u have no idea 

#sanditon #my thoughts #the fudge watches #jane austen

[tayegi]

Lu new rules is always worth the wait. I love it when the OC stood up to him. And Jungkook being whatever he’s trying to do is leaving us in suspense. But last the scene is perfect. I can picture that scene as if I was watching a drama. Especially when she say “it’ll be easy getting over you” and turn around VERY slowly. Gosh I just want to cry cause it’s beautifully written. JK probably scare that he’s not good enough for her?JEON JUNGKOOK you get on my nerves but I still love him.

jjiritjjiritgirl said:ohmygod the new chapter for new rules is so good ohmygod like i had to pause a lot when oc was calling jungkook out for being a coward. i wasnt the one going off but DAMN that felt good.

luxinfired said:OH SHIT I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE NR UPDATE KXJABGZGQGHS Girl your writing is the best thing in the world! I love OC, she showed us her vulnerable side but then she goes and confronts Jungkook like that! That last scene was amazing, you tell them girl! Also I loved the conversation with Yoongi, I'm glad she was able to empathize with him immediately. I really want Yerin and him to find their own happiness, they deserve it~ Thank you for this wonderful piece of writing 💜

Anonymous said:jungkook a whole ass idiot

Anonymous said:Hi Lu!! U probably ddnt receive my ask from last time as well so Im writing this again! Well I just want to tell you that NR.11 WAS FUCKING AMAZING AND I'M SO SATISFIED WITH IT AND I CRIED! at first I expected OC to just yell at JK for his reaction when she confessed, thn have him tell her his story BUT SHIT SEEM SO DEEP HOLY SHIT! I feel so bad for oc and for the fact that she felt the need to say sorry? Thats kinda fucked up but I believe that's bc she was pretty shocked by his reaction[1–❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Also maybe I'm not the only one hatin' on JK, but damn boi better have a GOOD excuse to why the fuck is he being a pain in the ass, I mean.. I don't wanna judge him for his choices, but thats exactly what I wanna do BYE/ but like im pretty sure that he's been acting like a jerk to 'help OC get rid of her cancerous feelings' cuz I dnt think that he sees HER as a prob-in fact, he actually rly likes her- but he just cnt seem to accept her feelings that's so absurd.. [2—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Like he was so happy to see her when he was with his team but once he remembered that he was supposed to ignore her he acted like he ddnt want to see her. And I really dnt know which part was he so embarrassed about when she came in calling him out in his own frat; was it bc she exposed his whipped ass in front of his we-dnt-do-feelings™ buddies? Or was it bc of sth else AMMA FUCKING SNAP! [3—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:And I really think that when OC told him that it's gonna be so easy to get over him now that he showed his true colors, like, I really think that it was a slap to his face. Cuz deep down, I dnt think he wants her to get over him and I know that shit will go down from here when the entire frat is mocking OC's speech, JM will know abt it, MJ might hear from him too AND HOPEFULLY SHE CAN KICK THE BULLSHIT OUT OF JK ONCE MORE! gosh Lu thank u so much for this amazing fic💕 u make my days😭[4/4]—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:holy mother of god wOW emphasis on the OW NR11 !!! Lu my god, idk how you've gotten me to love getting stabbed in the heart like this but !!! :,( thank you so much for updating and incorporating toxic masculinity and gaslighting into this chapter, they're such important issues and i just wish OC didn't have to deal with their effects. idk how long you're planning on making NR, all i hope for is that someone will treat OC right by the end *side-eyes JK, whispers "get it together, fool"*

Anonymous said:Thank you so much for yet another amazing chapter of NR!! I love how you write with so much detail about the thoughts of the OC when jk rejects her. For me, it heightens the emotions of the story so much and i love that I can feel what the OC feels - the initial embarrassment, the sadness, the anger. I also loved how the OC confronted JK and didn’t just dismiss her own emotions, acknowledging that they’re just as valid as JKs. Thank!!! You!!! :)

Anonymous said:hi lu! just wanted to day i love nr and that i appreciate the messages that you put in your writing. especially with the latest chapter, i relate so much to what nr yoongi is going through, and seeing that was a wonderful reminder that im not alone in this situation and that when you reach out, people will support you. again, thank you so much for writing and sharing these stories with us and i hope that you yourself have an amazing group of people who support and love you 💚💜

Anonymous said:I feel like waste it on me fits as bg music to the situation JK and OC are in after her confession in NR lol.. but anyways, just finished reading the latest chapter and wow. So many emotions. I'm so glad OC finally confronted JK, i love her fiery personality! Your writing really has me immersed in my own little bubble as I put myself in OC's shoes. Looking forward to the rest when the time comes, i'm curious to find out JK's backstory. Great work, Lu! 💕

Anonymous said:Ahh I just finished the update and its so heart wrenching. The emotions were so raw and realistic. And as hard as it was to read the pain the OC had to go through, I'm excited that either way things are moving in a new direction. She can't keep suppressing her feelings forever. Admitting feelings can be so difficult but afterwards its so freeing knowing that you're not holding anything back and being honest with yourself. I'm looking forward to the growth this will bring all of the characters.

Anonymous said:I just caught up to new rules and wow as someone who experienced a heartbreak that I never want to go through again THAT SHIT HURTED I felt the emotions of the o/c yelling at jungkook out of frustration and anger highkey wish I could’ve confronted the person that I had a relationship with in that manner yk to get it out of the system I think that way the healing is a faster process because you aren’t having an internal dialogue of what you could’ve said etc wow thank you for writing new rules! x

Anonymous said:I love the new NR chapter! It definitely hit home when you described how the OC felt after she got rejected. I love the end in this chapter. I love the OC's confrontation. I wish I could be a woman on a mission like her too. Yoongi's character got me namshooketh btw. I love how you added the lgbtq aspect into this fic. Everything about it is so realistic. And I love the gaslighting part in her confrontation so much! This is such a beautifully written fanfic. 😭❤

bekzzz said:You know what I really appreciate about New Rules. Mijoo and the Readers friendship. I love how they stuck together after everything. I also love how the reader is trying to reclaim her self esteem. I think calling Jungkook out was amazing for her. Also, maybe for him it will help him figure out his own feelings. Love is okay, being romantic is okay. It doesn't diminish masculinity or make someone weak. Thanks for this amazing update! Till next time.

Anonymous said:holy moly, new rules was eventful. i felt so much secondhand embarrassment when she was *rejected* by jk, and really hated nr jk for how he reacted... and then when oc, yerin and mijoo were together, and she felt like she needed to be the strong one. i really fucking felt that. it felt like a punch to the gut. but oc’s comments to jk really got me, and i have so much respect for her, yet pity her at the same time... as well as jk. thank you for the amazing update!! 😘 ly babe

Anonymous said:Dear god my heart was pounding all throughout that chapter lmao. How the heck you gotta get me so involved my body freaks out whenever you update New Rules? For real tho I feel for Yoongi- I know what it's like to have people be ready to ridicule and drop you for something you can't change about yourself, so that got me real good. I do hope that JK and MC are able to work themselves out they are by far one of the most interesting pairings I've read about thus far (praying for a happy ending)

Anonymous said:HOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS! Girl, you threw me for a loop. JK's reaction was pretty close to what I thought it would be, albeit more hostile which makes me so fucking curious like BABY WHO HURT YOU?!?!?! Yoongi turning Yerin down because he's gay just wow. I had zero inclination until the second he said it and the whole conversation was just gorgeous. And that final stomp into the frat house and speech were just glorious. Thank you my love

Anonymous said:first of all i want to thank you for the new chapter, it was such a surprise since you was so busy these past months so thank you for taking some time to write. now about the new chapter... my heart was beating so fucking fast the whole time, it’s amazing how well you’re able to express the feelings of the characters and make us all (well at least me) fell connected to the story. i’ve said this before, but the most amazing thing about nr (beside the plot & characters) is how relatable it is

Anonymous said:🎃(1) OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE AND AT SOME POINTS I AM not making any sense so be prepared 😥 💜💜 I hope I don't bore you /// Ok, here we go. ( /// means another scene or change of subject and --- means same scene but next line. Also I'll use the 🎃 emoji for Halloween's sake 😊) Damn that's gonna be so long 😥 oh well. /// Akakakakak first of all, great start! It lights up the heavy mood. And tbh who wouldn't get distracted from a half naked jk. 😏 ///

Anonymous said:🎃(2)Akskfhlskfajfkf I'm smiling. My heart is clenched tho. (I'm reading the kiss scene in the beginning) /// Why do I feel him saying I like you too won't be the way our oc means. My heart is confused. --- Fuck. --- Fuuuck... ///Ok, there's no way he would look at her with disgust. Come on giiirl. Don't fall for the lies our brain tells us. ---Ok, scratch that last. WHAT THE FUCK JEON JUNGKOOK. 😬 ----I wanna hug the oc and tell her that he is afraid and stupid for acting that way.

Anonymous said:🎃(3) That she is more than what she thinks. And like wtf he might be a star athlete and a stund but wtf about not being good enough?! Askfkddskkas. fuuck. //// You are not supposed to be fucking anything. Let it ouuut. They love you and it will help.--- Ok I get the point with it not being about you. (Ahahahahaha I'm on a roller coaster, sawrryyy) ---- Oh yaaaasss, I liiive for angry oc! You go guurl! ---- Well, if he is gay that would explain a lot. --

Anonymous said:🎃(4) ---"Trust me when I say that it would be entirely impossible with me" bruh. He is gay. --- Oh shit, he is gay...... 😶 ---- Now I'm sad. Ahahah and now I wanna hug him too . And I love the oc for being a good friend and I love that he reminds me of one of my closest friends being a tsundere.😢 /// Way to go yoongles, woop woop!! that sonofabiish. 🌚🌚---Wow when yoongi relaxed I realised I was holding my breath. Wtf ahahaha

Anonymous said:🎃(5) /// Aish. I'm getting angry at jk and angry at the oc for taking his bullshit and not being angry ahahah. ----- WHAT THE FUCK JEON KUNGKOOK WHY YOU BEING SO "TOUGH" AND "MANLY" YOU FUCKIN FUCKER 👿 (about him smiling at first and then being fake macho) ----- My eyes grew when you wrote she headed to jk frathouse 👀 --- I'm crossing my fingers for a buttkicking session, sth like mijoo did to the oc. Maybe a power point presentation of why he likes her too. Ahahah ---

Anonymous said:Ooo girl I am FIRED UP. You write so well that I can always fell the emotions OC feels. I was sad and hurt, shocked, and really mad. JK is such an asshole for making OC feel like her feelings weren't valid. He really does need to grow up. Good on OC for realizing that. And I don't know why he's putting up such a front when he's been such a good person thus far but BITCH IT BEST BE A GOOD REASON. So I'm assuming yerin has got the bad ending? Bc she doesn't know about yoongi being gay n shes hurt?

Anonymous said:(1/3🧟‍♂️) New Rules is probably my favorite non-published work that I’ve ever read and I really just want to thank you for being willing to share your writing with us! So, I feel like a lot went down in this chapter. I saw another anon say they thought Jk’s issues stemmed from a previous relationship. The girl probably made him feel like relationships in general are toxic, and as a result he’s completely unwilling to put himself in that kind of vulnerable position again? (1/3)

Anonymous said:(2/3🧟‍♂️) Similar to how the oc is feeling about being rejected, like she was stupid to let herself feel something for him, that’s why I think her barging in and calling him out in front of his friends got to him. (2/3)

Anonymous said:(3/3🧟‍♂️) All in all though, this chapter was really well written (like they all are lol) and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I appreciate all the work you put into your writings bc they’ve really inspired me to educate myself on feminism and just a lot of things in general I’d never thought about before. Thanks again, Lu! I hope you have a wonderful week 💜💜 (3/3)

Anonymous said:wow lu, thank you for the newest nr update! my thoughts on my first reading: jungkook's reaction was shocking for the emotional side of me, not the logical side. I still feel for oc tho. yoongi being gay? didnt expect that & now I feel bad for assuming his sexuality, glad he talked to OC abt it bc it must have been hard to hold that secret. oc calling out jungkook? shes much braver than me, & I agree, jk's actions seem off. will reread & send reactions after, again thank you for writing/sharing!

There is literally nothing i love more than reading your thoughts and reactions!!! i have no idea how my writing will affect others, so to hear this is the most rewarding thing ever. thank you so much my lovely, passionate readers. You mean the world to me!!!

#new rules #new rules ch 11 #lanalanexpjm

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/ #self harm/ #other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

[noxrynne]

i still remember where i like got that old username from

cuz i read a lot of fantasy back then (cuz summer in Arkansas at my dad’s and that place was legit an ass disaster )

and i remember readin like, one of Robin Hobb’s books? I think the first one in the Soldier Son Trilogy iirc

there was like a side character i kept relating to ‘cuz we were both socially awkward, not good at too many things, anxious balls of nerves and had like one or two friends at most

that character’s full name was Spinrek Kester and was nicknamed “Spink” 

and i thought it was a cute name and pretty short/easy to remember so i started using it (i think i used it like everywhere)

i remember i only stopped using it when i went onto this old, old TBRPG forum (Tears to Roses was the title of it, TTR, a like, anime-inspired slice of life academy RP) 

like there i played my RP character Kit (started as a joke in a RP on BZP tbh, I think... Rise of the Titans??? I think? since back then Kit was designed as a male and started as a male, but was a character who incessantly hit on the other characters and had 0 combat prowess at all so was the damsel in distress 90% of the time)

on TTR kit kinda came into her own as a character, like it was around when i was having extremely hard times with mental health stuff so i kinda pushed it all onto my character (so kit, as a character, was a massive ball of stuttering anxiety, shy as beyond all fuck, lowest self esteem imaginable, easy to hurt and upset, confused about a lot of things, and a vampire that refused to drink blood b/c it’s “icky”)

what like happened was everyone really liked this character, like in a “i want to protect this innocent being and make sure they have a good life” (which backfired initially cuz i tend to like having bad things happen to my characters to stir up in character drama, but no one ever wanted to be mean to my character)

and over time i never had like, an OOC name (i couldnt think of one i liked at all, i wanted to grow away from “Spink”) but since i played this character and a lot of people kind of associated the character with me in a lot of respects (we had a chat box we all talked in a lot) they eventually all just called me Kit. at first i was like “this breaks my rule about IC/OOC separation” but then it felt really natural lol like it felt more real of a name for me than my birth one, which i always found weird or didn’t like too much (and it was common af, i had so many classes with like 3 or 4 others with my fuckin birth name). 

(and all the crossdressing the character did was something i always wanted to do when i was that young -- i think i was in middle/freshman in high school at the time -- like i always wanted to wear the cute girl halloween costumes or dresses or gowns or skirts and do makeup and feel pretty, b/c i always hated bein called “handsome” for as long as i can remember, but i loved it when i was called “beautiful” or “pretty” or “cute” instead -- and for someone who was built like a linebacker and stood 6′ 2″ in school i got called cute a lot more than one would expect tbh

but I lived like, vicariously through this RP character. all the things i couldn’t explore, the character could and it wouldn’t be immediately attributed to me and how i feel b/c i could always cop out of any difficult discussion with “hahaha... it’s... just rp... that’s... all.” 

when i couldnt wear cute clothes or outfits i wanted, thsi character could (and it got to where i drew the character wearing all kinds of gowns/dresses/sundresses/sunhats all the time >.>;;; and made lists in my high school notebooks in my tiny ass handwriting of outfits i wanted to wear and stuff -- TBH had i known what the term “transgender” meant or had been taught anything about gender and trans-ness in general, i would’ve probably lead a healthier high school life -- i mean i also wanted to play the female parts in skits in classes and stuff, when the group didnt have any cis girls in it since that happened a lot (to my knowledge there was only one other trans student in the school, but she wasn’t out until after graduation at least openly, she was rly cool tbh). 

so like i basically explored gender/myself/my feelings/my mental health with this character and when i thought back on like “what do i wanna be named IRL because my birth name is not cuttin it”  i like, had: - Victoria -  Katie (thus the twitter handle KT2QT since it’s my Smite name)

-Kelly

- Kit

my mom was like “pls not Katie or Kelly” so i was like “victoria or kit” and after trying victoria for a while i eventually felt “Kit” was just more natural and felt more correct for me. Largely b/c of my RP history and how that character basically let me live vicariously through her to learn more about myself, in the end.  

i do remember my mom being a bit sad she didn’t get much say in my name and i understood where she came from, but she eventually got over that pretty easily even if she says the full name i want sounds like a stripper name (Kit Valentine) which maybe she’s right but i had a teache rnamed “Mr. Love” im allowed this ok). 

sidenote: i dont really hate the name “Spink” or anything, it just feels like a relic from a different time of my life and when I changed usernames initially, it was kind of me bein like “Okay, time to let go of all that shit and move on” like ppl can still call me that if it’s how they remember me and whatnot

this was a long post about names fuck

#long post #im legit just talking about names ok #bzpower mention

[custardtoast]

hmm small (edit: really lengthy) rant about my life rn

I just had a week off school and it was a much needed break... I did volunteer for 3/5 of the days so it wasn’t a crazy break, since I still had quite a bit of stress about those 3 days

I am currently in that typical position of “I didn’t do anything productive pertaining to school work all week so now I feel guilty and I should stay up and get something done” but at the same time... I feel like I always beat myself up so much when I know that I was quite busy with other things, and school work isn’t always the only priority. Granted, I did watch a kdrama lol and didn’t sleep until 2-4 am on most days, while waking up close to noon.... but I feel like I needed that. I just hate how i can never fully relax but I also can’t bring myself to work... but that is the ultimate student dilemma. I wish I had better self-control and organizational skills to balance everything

On a related note, I’ve been thinking rly hard about what I want to do after I graduate from uni... I was thinking about applying to a summer internship for half of the summer, but I need a reference letter and the deadline is this week, so I feel like its sort of inappropriate to ask any of my profs at this point... I also was thinking about just bumming around for the entire summer and being productive in other areas of my life ... like I’ve been thinkin about starting a youtube channel (lol me and everyone else in this internet world) bc I’ve just been so inspired by all these amazing ppl who show their struggles to everyone and at the end of the day they’re all beautiful ppl... I really like the idea of sharing my life w all these internet friends bc frankly, I don’t really share my life with anyone irl (i know that sounds super sad but it’s true... i dont feel like im close w anyone anymore and once i graduate from uni i feel like i’m gonna be cut off from everyone I currently talk to and I feel like no one would rly make the effort to talk to me otherwise)

so idk i kinda wanted to start a vlog/lifestyle channel so I could just chat to the camera, since i rly do have a lot of thoughts i’d like to share, but i’m just too scared to share them with anyone i actually know irl. it feels easier to just talk it out to no one in particular like a diary, but then have ppl (hopefully) care about it. but at the same time there are TONS of lifestyle channels out there and i dont think i have a particular “tv personality”? 

also filming those kinda videos have nothing to do w my university degree and idk i feel like.... it’s important to be well-rounded but i don’t want my degree to be for nothing, so i also have to think about what i want to do as my future career. which is really tough because... i’m in the sciences, i currently do clinical research in a lab, and it’s okay... i love the learning aspect but i’m not a fan of the actual scientific research process. i can’t really explain why but you’re just... studying something so small for so so so long and it’s hard to feel like you’re making any progress. but i suppose the beauty of the field is if/when you actually make progress and a contribution. i’m also scared about the whole competition in the field and constantly keeping yourself afloat with grants, idk if i want to dedicate my life to that. and to be honest i dont think im smart enough or that much of a critical thinker to become a researcher and get a phd, although i would really love to be a university professor (too bad u have to have a phd loool)

some other options are going to med school, optometry school, becoming a dietician or a physician’s assistant... med school is the scary one bc i always think about.... why would i want to be a doctor over another medical professional? do i actually have the qualities to be a good doctor, or am i just doing it bc of the image or the pressure? do i actually enjoy working with patients?? ofc those questions apply to the other options as well but... im always doubting myself and i feel like that quality alone is not very ideal for being a doctor. i would feel more comfortable being an optometrist, dietician, or physician’s assistant bc it feels like... even if you mess up there are still other people to back you up, whereas with a doctor, you are the one running the game. which is super important and impressive, but i just don’t know if i could handle with the stress and if i have the capabilities to make unwavering decisions. just cuz i know im so indecisive.... man. i got rejected from med school which is why im rethinking all of this. i might go to grad school next year, either in nutrition or continuing in physiology. i really like topics in nutrition and a masters in nutrition is only a year long, but i would have to find a new supervisor and im not a super huge fan of research (like i’ve said before)... but it seems better than a 2 year masters in physiology. i could stick with my current physiology supervisor, but that also means im stuck studying the same thing as i am now for 2 years. and idk if i love it that much.... agh... i dont know......... i wish someone could tell me what’s the best path... but i know no one can... and i know that no one is gonna read this huuuuuge text.... im just rambling at this point bc i have no one i feel comfortable personally messaging all of this to

being indecisive.... leads me to my next point. which is strange, but i really want to get a tattoo after i graduate. ive been thinking about what to get, and ofc, due to my indecisive nature, i can never really decide, but i think... i kinda know what i want? i just need to think of a good placement for it bc i dont want it to be visible in my every day life, just due to the judgemental nature of the field that im in right now and possibly will be in the future (eg. if i work in the medical field, i will most definitely be judged if i have visible tattoos, maybe less by the younger demographic but by the older ones for sure, and that can affect the whole patient-doctor interaction, or even interaction with mentors?) so if u have any tattoos, i’d love to know what you have (if you’re comfortable w sharing) and why, so it helps me justify getting my own lol (even though that doesnt rly make sense.. i should just get it if i want it, but im still debating)

guhhhh my brain has run out of juice and i should go to bed, im really trying to not sleep at 2 am today. i wish i could fall asleep faster. im not gonna give myself heck for not getting anything done during reading week, or tonight, cuz i know i’ve been going through some rough mental patches, but i hope if i sleep earlier, wake up a bit earlier, take back more control of my life, i can be more productive and less stressed. pls wish me luck.

i rly want... to make meaningful connections and impacts in this world.

#a #in case ya dont wanna read it all #im just basically lost at sea lol #feelin the same kinda loss for a long time now