#not to treat tumblr like my personal diary but is everyone else just constantly feeling overwhelmed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cowboyshit · 3 years

Text

twenty questions

tagged by: @dustofinsanity (thank you so much my dear!!!!!!)

what do you prefer to be called name-wise? honestly I’ll probably answer to most things as long as they aren’t mean. but ash, ashley, doe, those seem to be the solid three I’m known by around here when is your birthday? november 30th! where do you live? in a tiny, backwoods cow-town smack dab in the middle of california three things you are doing right now? filling this questionnaire out, eating dinner I just finished cooking, and petting sadie with my foot since she’s curled up at my feet after she finished her dinner four fandoms that have peaked your interest. I guess I can go with four I’ve been heavily involved with, even though there’s plenty more than that since I’m a little fangirl at heart, but wrestling (obviously), black sails, the night shift, and pirates of the caribbean how has the pandemic been treating you? uh, I mean, it hasn’t been great and I’ve had to deal with some pretty bad shit as all of us have, and probably some of my worst mental health battles I’ve had to face in about a year or so, but honestly? I just kind of count my blessings these days. lucky to still be employed, even if my pay got a little cut it was nothing that keeps me from paying my bills. all I had to do was take away a few luxury things to make ends meet, and that’s a lot, LOT less than other people have had to do. so yeah, it’s been pretty shitty, this year has been bad news after bad news both personally and globally, but whatever. it could be worse. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? it is no-joke like a four-way tie. a bunch of good songs were in my discover weekly and I’ve been playing four of them on non-stop repeat one after the other. oh! and one my best friend showed to me. this baby don’t cry by k. flay, rock bottom by grandson, ok ok by hoko, and insurgents by the poolside by denny recommend a movie. i’ve jumped into holiday mood early af because tbh I need the holiday cheer, so keeping in that theme, I suggest the holiday with jude law because DUH how old are you? thirty! school, university, occupation, other? had some college, been working in my current career for the past ten years. hoping to pursue a promotion finally since my supervisors have been telling me for the past eight years that I need to promote do you prefer heat or cold? cold pleeeaaaase! I’m a radiator and put off heat like nobody’s business. I’m always warm. name one fact others may not know about you. this is hard because I just constantly blab everything about me, and I have two people who literally know EVERYTHING about me lmfao uhhh I guess... something people may not know... uhhh... on my dad’s side of the family one half was ashkenazi jewish who had to flee germany to avoid the holocaust, where they went to live in italy, while the other half were nazi’s committing some pretty bad stuff that my family won’t talk about, even to this day. funny how two descendants eventually met in america and fell in love, huh? and when they DID fall in love one of them was half italian and in the mafia! so I always joke that my bubbly cheerful self is a descendent of some pretty evil shit, and it feels like a nice little stab at those shitty ancestors of mine. are you shy? uhhh yeah and no??? like. I think I’m shy, since all interaction terrifies me and exhausts me, but everyone tells me I’m a social butterfly? and I’ve noticed in places I’m comfortable and confident, I do tend to be less shy and more involved and interactive? but I think I can be shy. a lot of waiting for other people to initiate because I’m too afraid to, struggling to talk or carry a conversation at times... I don’t know I think I’m overcomplicating this answer LOL preferred pronouns? she/her! biggest pet peeves? gatekeeping, to be perfectly honest. I stopped following wrestling back in 2014 because when I first tried to get into the fandom, someone was trying to gatekeep a wrestler I also liked and had started making content for and they made me feel like shit for liking them, and I absolutely hated it. that’s why it took me an entire two years of quietly lurking in the wrestling fandom before I finally got brave enough to come out of the woodwork, and I’m grateful I’ve been so well received this time around. but now I’m hyper-sensitive to gatekeeping and I fucking hate it. no joke. and since it’s a pet peeve and I’m irked just remembering all that bs I went through, ima say I’m only a part of fandom to share my love of whatever that thing is with other people who love it too. I can’t stand anyone who thinks they have some sort of “claim” over a celebrity or a show or anything. get a different identity that isn’t wrapped up in that thing and stop seeing it as a threat when other people like it. be happy someone else is as passionate about that thing as you are and make a friend. damn. what is your favorite “dere” type? I’m pretty sure this is something with anime or that originated from anime, right? unfortunately I don’t know what they are so I can’t say LOL I don’t even know if I’m right about it coming from anime tbh rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be. 4, 5, but I’m putting in the foundation now and working to make it a 6, 7, or possibly 8 by a year or two from now. what’s your main blog? funnily enough? this one. my OTHER blog that was my main blog since I joined tumblr in 2009 got shoved to the side for this one last year LOL I assumed I’d log onto this blog once in awhile, but now it took over my whole damn life so here I am I guess list your side blogs and what they’re used for. I’m going to be fair and ONLY list my active ones because I have a few side blogs from when I role-played on tumblr that I haven’t touched in over a year. @doedreamss is my non-wrestling blog that WAS my main blog before this one, @cowboysht is my archive where I am ONLY putting my original gifsets/analysis/fanfiction so that one day I can offer people a blog of just my original work and no other posts (the queue is very slowly catching up I think I’ve queued posts up until june this year), @illfatedandstarcrossed is just a non-frequently used outlet for me to mope and dump emotions when I get sad about my relationship things (like a diary! but... public? and not my original thoughts? LOL), and then I have one more blog but it’s locked and private and it’s LITERALLY my diary where I can just vent when I got shit I wanna get off my chest but don’t necessarily want people to see it. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? I probably won’t talk to you daily, tbh. I may not even talk to you weekly. socializing takes a lot out of me, on top of an already energy draining day-to-day in my personal life. I have a handful of people I connect with who I talk with frequently, but unfortunately as much as I’d love for it to be endless, I have to keep that list short for my own sanity. my infrequent conversations mean absolutely nothing about my lack of interest in you or how much I care about you. my granny once said I would be the perfect friend for someone you only want to talk to twice a month and she thought she was insulting me, but deadass I just said “YEAH! EXACTLY!!”

tagging: I really like this one so I WANT to tag people, but I feel braindead and also just want to post it cause I feel like I am definitely gonna forget to tag someone tbh aaaaahh okay okay I’m just gonna throw some names out there but please don’t feel pressured to do this (it is TWENTY questions) @kennyhoemega, @champbucks, @superkickparty, @adampage, @hintsofsunshine, @audreyhrnes, @sheslikealostflower, @lancearchers, @champnick, @janelanutella, @edgecution, @superrezzy00, @wardl0w, @writinglionqueen, @orangechuckiet, @hungmanhorsecarriage, @icouldbesus, @thatnerdwriter, @rampagewriting, @snarkandsarcasmftw, @tetsuyainthesky AND I DUNNO JUST ANYONE WHO WANTS TO OK I LOVE YOU ALL BYE

#ashleys playin #not wrestling related #long post for ts #long post

47 notes · View notes

sixteenyearoldrants · 3 years

Text

entry number one - to my old friend group, i am not stupid.

disclaimer: this is basically a diary. when i was 8 i took a dork diaries quiz and it told me to write a blog as a form of venting, which is exactly what i’m doing right now. you should definitely not read this fellow tumblr users it’s boring and a waste of your time i’m basically just talking to myself. if you read this and think you know me irl, no you don’t. i’m using initials to replace names btw.

introduction to my rant

my school is tiny. it only has like 250 people in the ENTIRE school, and my year (the biggest year) has 53 people. over half of them are guys, so that leaves my options for school friends pretty limited. if you’re wondering why i don’t include guys as possible friend group joiners, there is absolutely no reason why, except the fact that there’s an unspoken rule that there are no mixed gender friend groups. at all. they just don’t exist in my year. they exist in the other schools in my town, the ones with over 900 people, but definitely not in mine. as of right now, there are seven friend groups in my year. all groups except group one are all girls

group one is all of the guys. they all have their own little micro groups, but usually all of them hang out in one huge group together. group two and three are kinda exclusive? like they’ve stayed the exact same people since day one, and they’re all actually really nice but i’ve never talked to any of them about anything that isn’t homework answers, so that’s a no. group four is the closest thing we have to popular people, except there’s not enough people in the school for us to have actual intimidating popular people and they’re too nice to be mean-popular. before one of these girls joined, she was a kpop stan and my best friend. she’s still nice but i miss how close we were before we drifted.group five consists of four girls (two of whom are sisters whos parents are first cousins!!!!) and are undeniably the ‘weird kids’. i’m gonna make a separate post later on why they’re considered this but it’s most definitely accurate name for them.

group six is my old friend group that i recently left because they were extreme bitches and sosososo toxic. they genuinely act like they’re better than everyone and judging from the shitty two years i spent with them, they actually think they are. the only person i actually like is LB, she’s the sweetest person ever, i love her to bits. she left the group with me for reasons i will later reveal.

and finally, group seven. this is the biggest group, with seven or eight people. i’ve always been good enough friends with the people in it, so when my old friend group got to be too much, they let me and LB hang out with them, and i’m so happy i was able to fall back on them. i’m a lot happier in this group.

the actual rant - why my old group was so toxic

okay, so i come across as a very ditzy person. i laugh at the stupidest things. i zone out when people talk sometimes. i like to run everywhere, sometimes i skip. i always have to ask what’s going on because i wasn’t listening. i genuinely cannot stay serious. it’s just how i am. like i guess i am kind of a ditz? but i’m not stupid at all. not at alllll. as a matter of fact, i’ve always been really smart (except in algebra because wtf how am i meant to equalize algebraic fractions using coordinates???) but anyways i’m very clever. i can tell in two seconds flat if someone’s trying to bullshit me, i can win any argument purely through logic, i can persuade people by figuring out exactly what i know they want to hear without giving them false hope. right now, i’m doing the highest possible level in every class through my second language, in a school where everyone else grew up surrounded by it and i could barely say a sentence when i joined, and have never ever made a grade lower than a C+.

i am not stupid.

but for some reason, because i’m a bit ditzy, this friend group took that as an excuse to treat me like i am stupid, and i hated it. it wasn’t so bad for the first year. it was normal. i may have been the most common butt of their jokes, but it was fine. there was no actual bad intent behind it, they were just normal inside jokes and stuff. but then, in second year, it actually started to sting.

i would say anything and automatically recieve a dirty look, for example, once i told them about my brother’s sleepwalking, because tbh if your brother unlocks the door and walks out of your house in the middle of the night to stand outside the neighbors door in his pyjamas and socks because he’s “borrowing the hoover”, ALL while asleep (he sleeps with his eyes open too which makes it even creepier bc he doesn’t blink he just stares with weird ass zombie eyes), you’re probably gonna think, ‘hey! that’s a funny story! i should tell my friends about that!’, right?

so i went into school that morning and told them about it really excitedly, and all i got back was one “... okay.”, and all of them giving me a weird look and giving each other knowing looks and then starting up a conversation about the posters on the wall in the room we were in, like i had never said anything at all. (LB wasn’t there. it was just the three bitches)

i know i’m just being dramatic. i know i’m too sensitive, but i had been so excited to tell them about that, and then they couldn’t be bothered to respond with anything other than a look. and it fucking hurt so much and i don’t know why but that memory just always stuck with me. after that i just kinda faded into the background for the rest of the conversation and didn’t say much.

but then i realized that a pattern was emerging. if i tried to start a conversation, i would get the “... okay?” and the looks would be given and exchanged. if i asked a question, i.e “wait, so *name* did/said what?”, they would exchange looks, giggle, and then say *insert my name* in a super exasperated tone and sigh, then continue without answering. they treated me like i was some sort of dumb dog, and i couldn’t stand it. constantly making snide jokes about me. i took the hint after about a month. they didn’t like me. i couldn’t make them like me. i just accepted it. but as you know, at that time i didn’t really have many other friend group options, and another girl had once left our group and they had talked so much shit about her when she left, and i knew they would do the same if i left. so i stayed.

eventually, in the last month of school, they started being bitchy to LB too. they would basically ignore her on the bus home, give her dry responses, just being typical bitches. it got to a point where we would be walking around at lunch, and the three of them would literally have their backs turned to us while talking under their breath so we weren’t included in whatever they were talking about.

i didn’t mind, i was used to it, but it was starting to get to LB. she cracked when i stopped to tie my lace while she waited for me, and the other three full on speedwalked away from us, no shame. she asked if i had been feeling left out recently, because she definitely had, and i was like “omg finally i’ve been wanting to rant to you about this forever” and i explained to her that they had never really liked me and treated me like shit and we decided to leave.

so we did. and now we’re with group seven, those ex-friends seem to have no problem with either of us. in fact, they treat us like nothing ever happened and treat me the way they did when they liked me.

so that’s something i guess. i’m not going back though. ever.

if you read all the way down to this i love you have a cookie.

❤ THE END❤

#long long post #long post #rant #school #friends #toxic #toxic friends #friend group #fake #school rant #friends rant

1 note · View note

turtle-in-space · 5 years

Text

Just gotta vent again for a hot second (or two)

I feel like I’m treating my tumblr like a diary now lol. After posting that long rant yesterday, I reflected a lot about what I said in it and I felt kind of petty... My life wasn’t that bad honestly and I had a lot of great opportunities!! I feel very fortunate to be where I am now and everything that happened in life brought me to this moment. I felt bad for trashing so much in my last post, so I thought that since my exams were over, I should reflect on my words a little better. I’m sorry for filling feeds with this shit, but please understand that I’m trying this out to cope with my stress :(

An old friend from high school reached out to me and that kind of slapped me out of my dark place. I realize now that I had not really moved on from my past self as much as I thought. I feel like I blamed too many people for my insecurities and I forgot to appreciate the people who I should have focused my energy on: the ones who pulled me out during the weekends when I felt really down, the ones who helped me with assignments at ridiculously late hours, the ones who reminded me to look past my face and the way I dressed, etc...

My mother called recently and that call stressed me out a lot. I was always bitter about not having a rich, emotionally supportive, and westernized family. My parents constantly threatened to divorce. My mother often told me that if I wasn’t obedient, she would send me to an orphanage or lock me in the basement to starve. My father was very verbally and physically abusive. He threw things and cursed at everyone in my family if he was upset about anything. (He was also a full-blown racist toward everyone who breathed on this earth) Both my parents constantly reminded me I wasn’t worth shit without them and that I should have never been born. I really wanted to talk to someone about this when it affected me greatly as a teenager, but people wouldn’t hesitate to tell me that I should be thankful for my privilege of having a smartphone and computer, getting into a decent college, and having good grades. Poor people aren’t supposed to have nice things and take up opportunities right? It still hurts to think about it, but I’m not self-destructive over my parents’ “criticisms” anymore. Their insults don’t cut deep anymore and I’ve learned that I’m more than their threats and abuses. It still stresses me out to go home because they also had two more kids (what’s birth control lol) and I’m a free babysitter/housekeeper. But Turtle, you’re an adult now!! They can’t tell you what to do anymore!!! ayy lmao first of all please check yourself and secondly I don’t want to bother explaining myself if that’s how it’s going to be so just accept this is all I can handle in life right now ok?

On a more positive note, I’m still working on that self-worth part!! I’m trying to appreciate the little victories in life, like I was feeling really down last week, but decided to get out of bed and get my eyebrows done and wow. I hate going outside especially by myself, but new eyebrows make a new person honestly. Best decision of the month tbh. I was also feeling like crap for spending more than usual, so I was glad that my supervisor let me take more work hours. Also so proud of myself for saving up enough for a new phone on top of my other expenses!!! My mentor in my new lab has also been so good to me by giving me days off during my exam week. I have to start job hunting soon, and I’m worried that I’m not very impressive to hire. My boyfriend often reminds me that my resume is built like a steel hammer though so let’s hope!!!

I was hoping for a more positive post for myself, but I guess that part about my parents wasn’t so gr8 lol. I guess writing these posts just helps take these bad thoughts off my mind and into something else so it feels like they have been lifted off my shoulders. I’m still an angry little bitch sometimes. Still awkward af too lol. I’ve recently noticed that when I talk to people I’m uncomfortably being around, I start acting awkwardly nervous and say stupid shit like “Oh I talk to my Google assistant when I’m lonely.” No shit I’m not actually that desperate but I’m trying to seem interesting... I’m trying ; - ; Anyway moral of this story... good people are out there! It might take years but it’ll be so worth it when you find them... Actually fuck that; the moral of this story is to go out and get your eyebrows done because it’ll hurt for like 2 mins but then you feel like a tru goddess and your fine af eyebrow raises will let people know they can’t hurt you no mo.

#personal #vent

2 notes · View notes

jessicacrenfrew · 7 years

Text

Last one

Before I go I need to say a couple of things . To get it out of my system .. but know that I do not regret anything that has happened this past two years .. the only thing I regret would be being suicidal . But I do not regret meeting you or being your "girlfriend" because it has taught me so much about myself . Brought me out of my comfort zone, has shown me how strong I really am. And hope love isn't actually real.. or the love that I always thought of isn't real. I learned that people aren't who they say they are .. people will constantly hurt you no matter how much you have suffered , done to help them and/ or how weak you are.. they will never stop being selfish and won't care how far they have hurt you. No matter how much I hate it but I did fall in love w you . Or at least what I thought was you .. deep down I know that person is inside of you but I don't think you are strong enough to let that person out .. maybe one day though. But I still love you because when I love someone I truly, genuinely love them and you know how much love means to me. That also was a topic , love/ how people treat each other / morality , it what I like most talking about but I could never fully talk about it with you . For a lot of things, I never knew until now but I had deep down thoughts , instincts , emotions that I knew something was wrong . That something about you is so toxic for me. But I took it as I wanted and could fix you . I tried teaching , showing you how to be a better person. But while I was doing that you were teaching me how evil the world is and how evil people really are. I can't trust anyone.. no one can relate to me.. I don't have a best friend because I find big flaws in everyone (I know everyone has flaws but these hurt me ) , I don't fit in with my family. But that's ok .. Bc deep down I feel that my kind of love is out there and I will wait for that time to come .. for best friend who thinks the way I do and acts like me , will come find me . But having gone/ going through this has only opened the door to see who I truly am and I find it so beautiful and rare. I am proud of myself and I hope one day you can be proud of yourself too. I dislike you a lot because of the horrible, unthinkable things you have done/doing to me but I still deep down love the boy who I created in my head of you . And that will take some time to fully be ok without you ,be happy and find someone else. But I am so excited for that to come because I am so done with this . I never have wanted to leave California more than ever. Even if I did get into my "dream" schools I think I need to get out . I love HPU, maybe not as much as I love LMU or usd or California in general . But I need to be better mentally, I have not been truly happy for a long time. I always was constantly stressed, upset, hurt, scared , depressed about everything. I think I need this one year to get better. Even though tumblr is one of my safe havens, I have to let it go for a bit because I tried but always found myself creeping back checking up on your profile . And to be honest it wasn't that hard to find your profile because I made a different account just to keep reposting that one famous Tumblr pic to get you more reposts. So I went through my followers and found it . So yea .. that's how I found it. But thank you for being my first boyfriend , love , sexual partner , my first real guy best friend, my experience and journey with you has taught me so much . I am going to love myself more , love myself first before getting into another relationship . And that will take some time because of all the damage you put me through and my life w family now but that is why I have my tattoo to remind me. Yes I got my tattoo and I was so emotional afterwards when I was by myself but I was so surprised by how much it didn't hurt . And I am in love with it. I know how strong I am , and I know I can get through this .. even if I see you going back to your old ways .. and hanging out with the people you hurt me w or any of that. I know I can get through this. I am not going to live a suffering life because of a stupid, immature, crazy boy Bc I know that is not what I deserve and how I want to love my life. I hope you grow up and live a better life. Find the beauty of kindness, faith, loyalty , morality, and other things that make you a better person. Be sue this world is already selfish and bad the way it is .. there are way too many evil people in this world. Know that you have to be your best friend throughout everything. Because in the end , you only know yourself and will be there until the end. People will look after themselves, think for themselves , that's just how it works. People's intentions aren't always the best for others and often very selfish. Know that you cannot become successful and truly happy with the life you are living and the person you have created yourself being. Always be truthful , be truthful to yourself and your loved ones. Be kind to women, be more kind to your mom and family , they have risked so much for you worked so hard to get you a good education and life. Stop being so damn selfish , you probably are one of the most selfish person I have ever met. It scares me sometimes .. even still it scares me how selfish you are . You don't even care how much you have hurt a person and what you have put them through or that doesn't stay in our mind to the point to let you know ... " hey, you need to tell the full truth now, or hey you need to stop this , you need to let her go" . I cannot bare to the thought of ever becoming so selfish as you .. it disgusts me . But whatever . I learned my lesson. You are the real version of a fuckboy .. a immature boy that has the horniness and sex drive that is unbelievable, a guy that is good with his words , knows the right things I say to trap a good girl, a cocky guy, selfish , a guy that hooks up with multiple girls as the same time period, that cheats on his girl, that almost destroys a persons life. But I can only hope that one day you will change . But I have to accept you will never be the guy I thought you would become , you will never be the love I thought we had, I will never get to say to people .. " proved you wrong ", you will never be my best friend, you will never will a decent person to me. But in the end thank you for everything but also fuck you . Also I'm happy you didn't get to know the full me.. see how I was if I was fully comfortable with you , make me cum when you wanted to because it all I'm saving for the guy that truly deserves those treasures. Just sad that couldn't be you. I just want to say I find it funny how I can make myself actually cum now by myself and it feels amazing . And now I know " you know when you are about to come or if you came" lol it's so weird but I like it. Because in sex I never really felt anything like this before and you never made me cum w oral.. you almost when that one time in the car next to Webb.. but didn't finish it.but I don't mean f say those things rudely to you because that is not what I'm trying to point out( you know that the sex things don't mean or say anything to me of how much I love you , unlike you ) but it is funny how now I can do it all the time now .. like twice a day .. I never would have thought lol but ok too much to share.. I'm writing this lik this is my diary . But I guess I will end it. Even though I have much more to say I have to start letting you go . So goodbye Justin , I will always love you ( the boy I created of you ), hope you start making better decisions , being truthful and a better person all around. It still breaks my heart that you did this to me and continue to do this to me but I will accept that we both are on different paths of life , it's just one of us has to take more time than the other. I will always be there for you if you needed me Bc I cannot live to think you or anyone will go through unbearable times and not help them when they ask me. Nice knowing you . Bye Justin I hope I can keep off Tumblr for a while but I'm not sure I'm still broken and just got broke again . But I will try . Bye Justin I love you ( not the real you ) . Xx, Jess

0 notes