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belliesandburps · 2 years

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Tips in Writing - Truly Good Evil

Been working on a few things for other more “official” projects, which got me thinking about another subject. How often do you find yourself yawning because you’re watching a comic book movie and the bad guy is just “asshole man”? No real motivation beyond just being the bad guy, nothing that makes them really feel unique or compelling. They’re a dime a dozen archetype you’ve seen a billion times but way better, and thus, they aren’t even all that fun to watch.

Well, tonight, I wanna talk to you guys about what makes a villain truly stand out.

Villains come in all shapes and sizes. You have misunderstood villains who are the heroes of their own stories. Bastards who revel in bastardry. Terrifying threats of nature who can kill you with a cold glare. Beastly conquerors and calculating strategists. Or downright cartoon villains who are boobs are just so much fun you love watching them come and fail every single time. :P

But regardless of the KIND of villain you want to make, one thing remains eternally true:

As a writer, if you’re going to create a truly great villain, you need to understand your villain, first and foremost. Their motivation, aesthetic, unique gimmicks, history, worldview, powers, and above all else; effectiveness as a villain. What your villain looks like will be the image that sticks, try to make it something your audience hasn’t seen before, difficult as that is. Their abilities don’t always need to be physical, but it needs to be something so deadly that your villain poses a real threat to your heroes, whom your audience needs to care about. Your audience needs to actually worry that your heroes can LOSE to this foe. That’s where effectiveness comes in.

If your villain is bumbling all the way through their journey, then it’s not going to feel like they ever stood a shot against your heroes. That may work in comedy or cartoons, but if you want the threat to be taken seriously, then you need ti give us a REASON to take them seriously.

They, themselves, need to be deadly, or need to be so cunning that their words and their schemes can break people without even needing to lift a finger.

What can make for a truly excellent villain is a villain can often boil down to a villain who is just REALLY goddamn good at what they do. Someone who feels like they’re always two steps ahead. They’re so damn smart and such a thoroughly dangerous strategist that you genuinely feel hopeless because not even YOU can figure out how the hell you outfox such a cunning threat. Or they’re so physically dangerous that the heroes CAN’T just beat them in a fist fight because they’ll lose, so they need to really, REALLY think outside the box, because this force of nature has pushed them to their limits, and they’re at the edge of the cliff here, on the verge of toppling over.

Even without understanding the psychology or motivation of the villain, the mere danger they present can make them instantly iconic. Look at Hans Landa or Hannibal Lecter. You never truly know what’s going on in either of their heads, and minus Mads Mikkelsen, neither one is a physical threat. They’re psychological. Hannibal gets in your head and picks you apart piece by piece for an emotional buffet...before the fleshy kind, and Hans Landa is seven steps ahead before you even know what game you’re playing. He’s charming despite being a literal Nazi, and goes from funny to downright terrifying despite Christoph Waltz not really being an intimidating looking guy. And you never truly understand his motives, so much as you do guess. He’s a very self-serving person, but the “why” doesn’t even matter with him. He simply DOES, to the point where that kind of IS the key point of Landa, “I’m a detective. A damn GOOD detective,” more than the whole, y’know, genocide thing.

For as formidable as the Basterds were, you never got a sense that they ever REALLY had a shot against Landa. He was too smart and far too efficient at his job for them to ever get the drop on him or slip past him. And while he was hypnotic in every single scene he was in, thanks to Waltz’s Oscar-winning performance, he also made you nervous every time he was on screen because that one opening scene alone made you know damn well just what kind of deadly yet whimsical monster you were dealing with.

But while motivation may not always be the selling point, when done right, you can create a genuinely compelling villain.

The reason so many people loved Thanos in the latter Avengers movies is because his motivations, while misguided, shortsighted, and ignorant, made sense. You could very easily explain why someone would have the mindset that Thanos did because you can look at his evidence all around you in real life. What made his insanity logical was that you could argue that the problem he poses is 100% correct, but what makes him a VILLAIN is the solution he came up with to solve that problem.

So many excellent villains in cinema come down to people with good intentions pointing out a very real problem...and coming up with an incredibly horrible solution. It’s a case where finding the right answer is very, very difficult...so someone like Thanos comes up with a very lazy, very WRONG answer, regardless of outcome.

Thanos also worked so well because, on top of being a logical psychopath, he’s played to perfection by Josh Brolin, delivering an eerily calm, calculated delivery, allowing some dry humor whilst also demonstrating what a sheer force of power he is as well. Every time Thanos was on screen, devastation and death was his backdrop. He made you excited yet SCARED every single time he was on screen, and occasionally gave a window into his psychotic mind in a way that could make sense, but was still dead on balls wrong.

But at the same time, not every villain needs some noble, misguided goal. Some can just be pure evil or otherwise just really, REALLY fun to watch.

The Joker from TDK wasn’t someone with any desire to “save the universe” the way Thanos claimed. He was evil at its most chaotic form. Put aside Heath Ledger’s legendary performance and electricity and look at the character from a writing perspective. His whole reason for everything he does is because the world is chaos. To him, he’s just someone who sees the world for how ugly it is, and is pushing Gotham to be as psychotic as he is. Batman barely has any meaningful back and forth with Joker in that entire movie, since most of their scenes consist of Batman being talked at, but the one line Batman has during their final fight painted it best: “What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone’s as ugly as you? You’re alone...”

And the reason why Joker, in that moment, is no longer laughing, and just feels utterly irate is because he understands that Batman’s right. Gotham didn’t eat itself alive the way he said they would. So it ISN’T that the whole world is crazy...it’s just Joker and people like him.

Joker embraces absolute chaos in the same way a gambler continues betting the farm even when he’s already lost the damn farm. You’re too far gone, so you just keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into madness in the hopes that you’ll come out it somehow SANE. Joker’s goals are selfish, and his means of carrying out his atrocities are both psychotic and INCREDIBLY fun to watch. But every single thing he does is fueled by that simple desire to prove himself right, that he’s not just some broken, pathetic little worm. That the whole world is just glorious madness, and he’s just someone with a head start on the crazy, soooo might as well help push society to the finish line with him, and wipe out anyone who gets in the way. (...Stop me if aaaaany of this feels a little painfully relevant these Q-razy fucking days...)

Everything about the Joker in that film is striking. Ledger’s unbeatable performance, Joker’s unhinged design, all the set pieces he creates, his dialogue, it all creates a truly unforgettable character who left my jaw gaping in awe and horror the first time I saw The Dark Knight. But eeeeeevery single bit of that comes down to the core of who this character is; some unhinged, selfish asshole who needs to be right.

Even then though, your villain doesn’t even have to be complex if they’re just really, REALLY fun.

Hans Gruber, one of the greatest villains of cinematic history, isn’t some complex character whose motives are beyond comprehension. He’s a smug, greedy prick who REALLY wanted to get rich quick, and was killing to kill a buncha people to do it. His motives are as plain as day, “I LIEK MONEY!1!”

But he’s just so damn entertaining every time he’s on screen. He’s already rich with personality, thanks to the late Alan Rickman. His dialogue is cheeky and entertaining. He’s cunning, very quick to outsmart his foes in entertaining and creative ways, and above all else, he’s sooooo damn charming.

Or look at a far simpler villain like Colonel Volgin from MGS3. By all metrics, this guy WAS just evil for the sake of being evil. He was a big dumb meathead with electric powers and a literal fetish for sadism. (No, not a joke, Volgin literally got off to hurting people) But like Gruber, he’s so damn fun when he’s on screen. Every single time he pops up, he just does something horrible. He’ll nuke a research facility, beat an old man to death for kicks, grab his boyfriends crotch and squeeze them so hard, you think his nuts will pop (I apologize for that image...) He’s fun because HE’S having fun. Volgin’s almost like USSR Joker in the body of Electric Drago. He’s an active villain who DOES, and his actions result in devastation, making him suitably threatening despite being kind of a dumbass who literally spells out all of his dirty secrets to a guy who knows nothing about them...who was literally getting double-crossed by EVERYONE within his inner circle of villains, and never saw it coming.

He was effective and engaging just from all the horrible stuff he did. Compare that to someone like the comically named Hot Coldman, who’s every bit as evil as Volgin, but instead of being a giant electric boxer who beats people to death for kicks and shoots lightning out of his hands, he’s just a pasty old man who loves machines and gets killed unceremoniously without a boss fight to his pitifully idiotic name...or any reasoning for why he was so obsessed with AI and machines.

Understand who your villains are at their core, and the rest will follow.

To give you guys an example, I’ll break down my main villain for HISS in a spoiler-free way; Seven:

In HISS, all of my villains have different motivations and degrees of sympathy. Someone like Straymaker is a deeply sympathetic but incredibly dangerous villain of circumstance. Whereas someone like Koloss is a big, boorish blowhard who will crush you or gulp you down and taunt you every step of the way. Each one is dangerous in a unique sort of way, and each one has their own motivations driving them. No one in HISS is a villain just BECAUSE. Hell, even Mauler is a bad guy simply because villains don’t get all uppity when ya start eating people. XD

But the big bad has to loom over them all. In the sheer of his goals and the threat he poses. Seven has to the TOP of the foodchain if you’re gonna justify someone like Cadmus or Omen acting as underlings to the fiend.

Seven is an entity that’s existed for centuries. Little is known about him other than the fact that he intends to wipe all life off the face of the earth. His endgame is so grand that his powers kind of grew around that. Seven has power over a corrosive substance known as “Shade.” It’s the essence of all the lives he’s ended throughout his hundreds of years, reduced to a terrifying blackness. It consumes all living creatures it touches, enveloping everything they were, and essentially turning them into more Shade. That’s what fills the vials across his armor, which he can manipulate at will and use like an extension of his own body. Kasumi is his vector, able to consume shade and store it within his body, which Seven can extract and store on his armor as needed, but mainly uses the Shade to fuel his “Blackout Bombs.”

Think of Seven as a terrorist mastermind, just using supernatural blackness instead of suicide bombs. He plants his Blackout Bombs throughout various colonies and wipes them all off the map, ending thousands of lives and converting that into pure Shade. He’s essentially recycling the very people he kills and using their essence to kill even more people. It’s a horrific cycle that just ends with more and more people gone without a trace, and used to subject others to the same horrible fate.

That’s what makes Seven dangerous. He’s been very successful in his mission, and the very thing wiping god knows how many people out of existence, he can control with the same ease someone like Pride controlled his shadows, turning the Shade into razor sharp tendrils, a pool of blackness to just absorb life, or coursing through his scythe.

His power and his immortality make him a very effective villain. Death follows in his wake at every turn and no matter what you do to him, he cannot be killed. Drop a nuke on the bastard and he’ll walk right out of the radiation and eventually find you. He’s designed to be an unnerving, intimidating villain. But being dangerous and creepy doesn’t necessarily make you INTERESTING or UNIQUE.

That’s where Seven’s motivation comes in.

Seven doesn’t want to end all life because he’s evil or just wants to kill people.

To keep things spoiler-free, let me pose a simple question:

“What if you KNEW that there was an afterlife? Not a conventional heaven and hell, with a conventional god or devil, but something else...something better...”

To Seven, what he does isn’t genocide, it’s kindness. And that clarity that his ‘god’ has given him isn’t a belief. It’s as factual as the sky being blue and grass being green. If you knew such a higher plain of existence were real, would you care AS much about the life you have, knowing something even better awaited you when your time on this earth was up?

For most of us, the answer is yes. But if the answer is no, then some people may be careless. Or in the case of someone like Seven, physical life may end up having absolutely no meaning whatsoever. It’s merely a speedbump on the way to paradise. And if life has no meaning, and you have the kind of power that Seven possesses...then pray to whatever god and or sandwiches you pray to...

Seven doesn’t view himself or his actions as evil. He believes himself to be the equivalent of someone like Morpheus from ‘The Matrix’, sparing people from the suffering of physical life and bringing them to paradise. And he condones abject cruelty and wickedness because, hey, none of it will matter in the end anyway, right? There’s no reasoning with a man like that, and no line he won’t cross. You have to find a way to destroy him or else he will one day eventually succeed in his goal...and probably expect a THANK YOU by the end of it. XD

Don’t ever let your bad guys be cookie cutter. Find out what kind of person they are, what drives them, if they’re misguided or just greedy sociopaths, and above all else, make sure they are a real threat to your heroes. If your villain is inefficient, then we never have any reason to feel intimidated by them. Make overcoming the bad guy the hardest task your hero will ever have to endure.

Know thy villain, and you can create one of the greats if you really put in the leg work. ;)

#non kink #writing tips #my writing #villains #motivation #character development #threatening bad guys #hans landa #the joker #hans gruber #seven #so many hanses...#so little time...#bane's another great example #he falls under the landa type of villain #his motives are irrelevant #his effectiveness is what matters #and the fact that he's downright terrifying #but even in his case #there was that layer of humanity where all bane did was for talia #nolan said he was talia's guardian #like to her what alfred was to bruce #which is weird in retrospect #given the fact that tom hardy is YOUNGER than marion cotillard #and is a baby face on top of that #then again he only had half a face in tdkr soooo #scarecrow's another great example #just a threatening presence that was capitivating #i had way more tags before tumblr deleted them all...#thanks obama...

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pcwpolwrestling · 7 years

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Rewind- 1/20/2009 Edition of PCW Extreme Political TV - Obama Sworn in as PCW CEO

LAST WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: -‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (Joe SixPacks) defeated Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Domination Inc.)

-‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin confronts Keith Olbermann, Arianna Huffington, and Professor Paul Krugman over their attacks at PCW House shows. Code Pink debuts and attacks Palin. She gets Eskimo Piefaced by Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen.

-Jack Schett and Bull Schett (Progressive Alliance) become the #1 contenders for the PCW Tag Team belts after beating ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade (Joe SixPacks)

-Domination Inc. announces that their Corporate Counsel Felcher and Felcher found a loophole in the PCW rules that state the only time title defenses are mandatory is at Pay Per View shows. Therefore, the PCW Tag Team and Women’s title matches at PCW Night of Champions will be non-title bouts.

-SNAFU was to have met PCW Television Champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido for the TV belt. But Dave the Mechanic took him out in revenge for SNAFU interfering in his title matches against Escondido. Dave warns SNAFU to stay out of his match at PCW Night of Champions against Escondido.

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS January 20th, 2009 Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon Wauseon, OH. HOST: Johnny Suave

Suave: Huge lines of people formed early this morning in front of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon to see PCW Night of Champions and to watch the installment of Barack Obama as PCW CEO. Tonight’s card is as follows:

-‘The Eskimo Queen’ Kalee Jones and ’The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (American Patriots) vs. Code Pink and Emily List (Progressive Alliance)

-PCW Television Title Match: ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido © (Progressive Alliance) defends against Dave the Mechanic (Joe Sixpacks)

-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Kirk Walstreit ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ © (Domination Inc.) vs. Jack Schett and Bull Schett w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer

-PCW Women’s Title Match: Kathryn Randall Collins © (Domination Inc.) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (Joe Sixpacks)

-PCW Title Match: O’Beck Bahama w/‘Not Just Unbearable…not just intolerable…he is’ Justin Sufferable © (Progressive Alliance) vs. Kevin Scott (Joe Sixpacks)

Suave: Last week, Domination Inc. stated that the PCW Tag Team and Women’s Title matches involving their wrestlers will be non-title matches thanks to a loophole found in the PCW rules. Last night, the PCW Competition Committee worked late into the night to hammer out a change in the rules. Tonight, they announce their decision.

PCW COMPETITION COMMITTEE ANNOUNCEMENT CONCERNING TITLE DEFENSESHarry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Steny Hoyer of the Progressive Alliance are joined by American Patriots’ John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.

Pelosi: Last week, Domination Inc. announced that they found a loophole in the PCW competition rules that allowed their wrestlers, PCW Tag Team Champions Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit, PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins, not to put their title belts up in matches tonight. After a long consultation between all five members of the PCW Competition Committee, PCW CEO George W, and PCW CEO-designate Barack Obama, we have come up with a solution.

Pelosi produces a sheet of paper and reads from it.

Pelosi: We, the PCW Competition Committee, by unanimous vote, hereby change the PCW Rules and By-Laws as follows: ‘Each champion must put their title up in competition at Pay Per View shows, PCW Night of Champions, and otherwise, at least once a month. Therefore, the PCW Competition Committee decrees that tonight’s matches between Jack and Bull Schett vs. Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit WILL be for the PCW Tag Team belts. Tonight’s match between ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Kathryn Randall Collins will be for the PCW Women’s title.

Suave: There you have it! The PCW Competition Committee has overruled Domination Inc. We will have FOUR title matches tonight!

BARACK OBAMA INSTALLATION AS PCW CEOThe off-key strains of George W’s mariachi band playing the opening notes of “Hail to the Chief’ signal the entrance of the outgoing PCW CEO. George W and his aide de camp Dick, strained his back so he’s being wheeled up to the ring, somberly head towards the ring. The crowd gives him a middling ovation.

Suave: Well, one nice thing about W retiring. I won’t have to listen to that God-awful tone deaf mariachi band butcher ‘Hail to the Chief’ anymore.

*flute and clarinet flourish*

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands and lets out a loud ovation as PCW CEO-designate Barack Obama appears with his Aide de Camp to be Joe Biden by his side.

Suave: AND HERE COMES THE PCW CEO-DESIGNATE BARACK OBAMA! LISTEN TO THIS CROWD!

PCW Owner Bubba Jackson and PCW Director of Security Dawn McGill climb into the ring. Bubba prepares to administer the oath.

Bubba: All right…all right. (He tries to get the crowd to quiet down.) Barack, are you ready?

Barack: Yes.

Bubba: Okay. Do you swear that you’ll…do the best possible job possible to…help PCW prosper…and get…

Barack: Big?

Bubba: Yeah. Big.

Barack: Yes.

Bubba: Congratulations Mr. CEO.

The crowd stands and cheers.

Suave: And that’s it? Barack Obama is now the PCW CEO…and maybe Bubba ought to write something out ahead of time before trying to administer the oath- such as it was.

Barack: “My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank George W. for his service to PCW, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition period. Today, I say to you that the challenges PCW faces are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this- they will be met.

The crowd claps.

Barack: We must-

*‘Domination Inc. will completely takeover Political Championship Wrestling by any and all means*

Suave: Well? I wondered how long it was going to take Domination Inc. to come out. They can’t be the least bit happy about the PCW Competition Committee’s ruling.

CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, CFO Gordon Guyko, Corporate Counsel Felcher and Felcher, and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot come to the ring.

Suave: Yep. McMann- not happy.

McMann: All right Mr. PCW CEO. Earlier tonight your competition committee did a grave disservice to Domination Inc. by making tonight’s matches involving Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit and Kathryn Randall Collins title matches. This is unacceptable and totally unfair. My wrestlers did not prepare for a title defense tonight.

Barack: “I haven’t signed the official proclamation yet, Mr. McMann. What are you asking?

McMann: “I’m not asking, I’m demanding. You either tear that piece of paper up and keep those matches non-title or else Domination Inc will walk out of here and you’ll have no matches at all.

Suave: WHOA! MR. McMANN IS THREATENING THE NEW PCW CEO!

Joe Biden leans into Obama’s ear.

Biden: See, I told you you’d face a challenge within 6 months.

Barack: Oh, shut up.

Obama looks at McMann. Then he looks at the sheet of paper.

Suave: What is he going to do? Will Obama sign off on it? Or will he give in to Mr. McMann’s demands?

McMann: Well? What’s it going to be?

Obama again glances at McMann. Then he reaches into his suit pocket, pulls out a pen, and defiantly signs off on the proclamation. The crowd explodes. Mr. McMann goes ballistic.

McMann: FINE! THAT’S IT. DOMINATION INC- WE’RE OUT OF HERE!

McMann turns to leave.

Barack: Before you all leave the premises, make sure you give the title belts to Ms. McGill here.

McMann stops and turns around.

McMann: What?

Barack: You see, there’s a clause in the PCW rules that state if a wrestler deliberately no-shows a match without giving notice or cause, then he or she automatically forfeits whatever title he or she has. So, if you want to walk out of here- be my guest. Just leave the belts behind before you go.

Again, the crowd cheers.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! MR. McMANN CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

Obama produces a PCW rulebook and turns it to the appropriate page and points to it.

Barack: So…what’s it going to be?

McMann spins on his heels and walks out with the other members of Domination Inc. in tow.

Suave: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL DOMINATION INC SHOW UP FOR THEIR MATCHES?

Backstage, McMann, Guyko, WTF, and Felcher and Felcher file into Domination Inc’s suite. Two Sheriff’s Deputies guard the door to intercept them if they attempt to leave Hack’s with the title belts.

PCW NEWSLINE

KEITH OLBERMANN, ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, AND PROFESSOR PAUL KRUGMAN ONCE AGAIN ATTACK SARAH PALIN AT PCW HOUSE SHOWBut this time, The Alaskan Pitbull gets a little back up…

REPLAY FROM 1/17 PCW HOUSE SHOW IN VAN WERT, OHIO

KALEE JONES w/Sarah Palin (American Patriots) vs. ‘Trailer Park Sweetheart’ TANYA HARDY w/The White Trash Posse (Independent)Jones Eskimo Piefaces Hardy and pins her. Sarah Palin enters the ring and holds up Jones’ hand in victory.

Code Pink hits the ring and confronts Palin. Olbermann, Huffington, and Krugman climb into the ring as well and join Code Pink. Kalee Jones stands next to Palin. Emily List of the Progressive Alliance sneaks in behind Palin and grabs her. She starts choking her. Jones turns around and moves towards List. Code Pink leaps on her back and locks in a sleeper hold. Jones spins around briefly and slowly succumbs to the sleeper. Code Pink then pulls out a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Palin to the ring post. Both List and Code Pink start whaling away on Palin. Huffington joins in as Olbermann and Krugman smugly look on.

Then a woman wearing a fur coat, a bikini top underneath, a mini-skirt, and stiletto heels, smoking a cigarette and swilling from a bottle of Jack Daniels runs in with Politically Incorrect (NRA, Nic Koteen, Al Cahall). NRA, Koteen, and Cahall hit the ring. Huffington, Olbermann and Krugman quickly exit. Koteen yanks Code Pink off of Palin and throws her across the ring. Cahall lifts up Emily List and holds her for a now revived Kalee Jones. Jones Eskimo Piefaces List. Then she Eskimo Piefaces Code Pink.

MATCH #1 KALEE JONES- The Eskimo Queen and ‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ SARAH PALIN (American Patriots) vs. CODE PINK and EMILY LIST w/Keith Olbermann, Arianna Huffington, and Professor Paul Krugman (Progressive Alliance) Suave: Well, well, well. After two weeks of withering sneak attacks by Olbermann, Huffington, and Krugman, Palin may get her hands on them tonight. Kalee Jones is going to be a force in the PCW Women’s division very soon.

Jones and Code Pink to start. They lock up and Jones shoves Code Pink to the canvas. Code Pink back up and hits a single leg takedown on the Eskimo Queen. They roll around a bit before dropping out of the ring to the floor. Code Pink drop kicks Jones who barely budges. She tries again. Jones move and Code Pink kicks the steel barricade. Jones goes for a table but Emily List comes around and stops that. List is then heaved into the barricade by Jones and she again goes for a table. Code Pink tries to get up.

Suave: I think Code Pink hurt her ankle. She’s not moving very well.

Code Pink can barely walk. Jones grabs List by the hair and drags her to the table. List rakes the eyes and manages to escape. Jones, temporarily blinded, grabs the injured Code Pink and sets her up for the Eskimo Pieface.

Suave: Oh, no…*WHAM* HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

List missile dropkicks Jones and drives her into the remnants of the table on top of Code Pink.

Arianna throws a chain to List and she busts Jones open with it. List grinds the chain into the Eskimo Queen’s open cut. List whips Jones with the chain across the back several times. Then she wraps it around her neck and tries to choke her out with it. Jones manages to power out and escape. Jones lands a right but List takes her legs out and she slams back to the mat. List finds a chair and sets Jones in it. Then she climbs back into the ring.

Suave: THIS COULD BE IT! WAIT! SARAH PALIN’S IN THE RING!

List sees her and turns around. Palin charges and spears List.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!

Both ladies tumble to the floor! Jones puts List in the chair. She goes back in and DIVES through the ropes and destroys List.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! KALEE JONES JUST SPEARED LIST ON THE CHAIR-…HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS!

Olbermann and Krugman doubleteam Jones and throw her into the steel barricade. Huffington waves Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, and Media Matters for America to Palin and they attack her. Huffington pulls out a table.

Suave: THEY’RE GOING TO PUT SARAH PALIN THROUGH A TABLE!

Daily Kos and Alterman lift Palin up but then the crowd roars and…

Suave: IT’S POLITICALLY INCORRECT!

Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, NRA, and a mysterious woman wearing a bikini top covered by a lush, fur coat, smoking a cigarette and swilling from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

*CLANG* *CLANG*

Suave: KOTEEN AND CAHALL PLASTER DAILY KOS AND ALTERMAN WITH CHAIR SHOTS!

NRA low blows Olbermann. Then he lifts him up across his shoulders.

Suave: GUN RACK! GUN RACK! GUN RACK!

Krugman shoves NRA. NRA drops Olbermann and locks in on Krugman.

Suave: Big mistake there, Paul. Guess you’re not as smart as you think you are.

Krugman tries to beg off. NRA lifts him up and puts him in the…

Suave: GUN RACK! GUN RACK! GUN RACK!

Arianna’s in the ring and backing away from the mysterious woman.

Arianna: Who…who the hell are you?

Woman: You can call me the Queen of Anti-Political Extreme- Andrea Doria.

Suave: The Queen of Anti-Political Extreme. Interesting choice of name.

Andrea: You know, I may not agree with everything Sarah Palin stands for. But I can’t sit back and watch the way she’s been treated without doing something. Just because she’s a woman and doesn’t spout the NOW line, just because she lives in Alaska and they have a different way of going about things, and just because she doesn’t kow tow to the political correctness dogma, does not give you carte blanche to tee off on her like that. An eye for an eye. If you keep attacking Sarah Palin, Politically Incorrect and I will be there and return the fire in spades.

Suave: WHOA! ANDREA DORIA AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT ARE COMING TO SARAH PALIN’S AID! WE’VE GOT FOUR TITLE MATCHES COMING UP IN JUST A MINUTE!

youtube

Hour 2

DOMINATION INC. SUITE‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann paces back and forth in his office. The door busts open and Quadruple R bursts in.

Quad R: This is total and complete bull****! We don’t have to take this from them. I’m sick and tired of getting screwed over by PCW. We can’t let this go unanswered. I want them and I want them now. Let me do it, Mr. McMann. Let me do it.

McMann hesitates.

McMann: Oh…the hell with it. Fine. When KRC’s match starts, go do whatever you’re going to do.

Suave: O—kay. That doesn’t augur good for the women’s title match. Let’s go back to last week’s PCW Extreme Political TV as ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido was to defend the PCW Television Title against SNAFU.

REPLAY- MATCH SNAFU w/Dr. Bill (Independent) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Progressive Alliance)Escondido’s already in the ring. No sign of SNAFU or Dr. Bill.

Suave: “I wonder what’s going on?”

BACKSTAGE

Dave the Mechanic stands over an unconscious SNAFU. Tequila Sheila has the battery to Dr. Bill’s motorized wheelchair. Dave goes over to Dr. Bill.

Dave the Mechanic: Here’s the scoop, Doc. I will get my chance at the PCW Television Title next week at PCW Night of Champions. I will do so without any interference from you or SNAFU or else I promise you that anything you do to me I will return ten thousand times over. This is my title shot. You and SNAFU stay the hell away.

DR. BILL PROMODr. Bill: All right. You’ve got your wish, Dave. SNAFU has a concussion and he’s still recovering which means we won’t be at PCW Night of Champions. But mark my words. You’re now on the list as well. First, we’ll deal with Escondido. Then, we’ll deal with you. But remember this- when you don’t respond to what happens in the world, you don’t respond to what people say to you. What you do is respond to what you say to yourself about what they say to you. It’s all about you, it’s not about them. Or in other words, we will respond in kind to your attack last week. It doesn’t take a nagging mother-in-law to cry a lot, Dave. And when SNAFU gets through with you, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing. Crying. With your mother-in-law. Or something like that. Now…go take on the day.

Suave: So. It looks like SNAFU is out. Can Dave the Mechanic capitalize on this? We’re about to find out.

MATCH #2 PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO © (Progressive Alliance) vs. DAVE THE MECHANIC w/Tequila Sheila (Joe SixPacks)The bell rings and they lock up. Quick chain wrestling sequence where both men reverse each other. The crowd claps in appreciation. Escondido puts Dave in a headlock. Dave escapes and whips Escondido off the ropes. Hip toss sends Escondido to the canvas. Dave hits a bulldog and covers. Escondido kicks out at two. Another headlock by Escondido, but again Dave gets out and whips the TV Champ into the ropes. Escondido holds on to the ropes and composes himself. Escondido comes back with a boot and goes to the ring apron. Dave charges, Escondido hits a shoulder block, and he tries to leap back in. Dave catches coming in and Escondido gets sent to the outside. Dave follows and whips Escondido into the ring post. Dave brings Escondido back into the ring and works on the left shoulder. He rams Escondido into the turnbuckle. Escondido tries fights out with a kick but Dave catches him on the second try and drills Escondido’s head right into the mat. Cover. Again, Escondido kicks out at two. Escondido starts fighting back. He blocks a shoulder block attempt and hits a boot to the face. Escondido covers…two count.

Suave: So far, Dave the Mechanic is about a step ahead of the PCW TV champ. He continues to show that he belongs in there with him.

Escondido locks Dave in a reverse headlock. Dave fights out and catches Jack ducking too early after a whip and nails him with a boot to the face. Dave goes up top, but Escondido catches him and turns it into a superplex. Escondido crawls over and covers. Dave kicks out at two. Again, Escondido goes back to an arm wrench hammerlock and tries to wear down Dave. Dave makes the corner. But Escondido hammers at his back and lifts him up on the turnbuckle.

Suave: Superplex on the way!

Dave fights out of the superplex. Escondido ducks down and hits a powerbomb. Cover. Another two count. Dave kicks out at two! Escondido follows with a belly to belly Suplex. Another cover; another two count. Escondido notices the turnbuckle pad got ripped off. Escondido bulldogs Dave and then tries to apply the Angle Ankle Lock. Dave rolls out and counters with a side Russian Legsweep. Escondido back up and Dave shoves off a second bulldog attempt. Roll up. Escondido kicks out in 2. A third bulldog attempt doesn’t work. Escondido into the ropes. Dave rolls him up. One…two…barely kicks out.

Suave: WOW! That was a 2.999999 count. Escondido barely got out but he’s in big trou-…Hey…who’s that? That’s Rahm Emanuel…RAHM-BO!

Crowd: RAHMMMM-BO….RAHMMMMM-BO…

Irish whip attempt by Dave. Escondido counters and sends Dave into the ropes. Emanuel grabs Dave and drops a F-Bomb on him.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! EMANUEL GRABBED DAVE AND GAVE HIM A FREAKIN’ F-BOMB THAT NEARLY DECAPATATED HIM!

Dave staggers up. Bulldog by Escondido takes him right back down in prime position to slap on the ankle lock submission.

Suave: THERE HE GOES…ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! TEQUILA SHEILA IN THE RING!

Rahmbo runs over and drops an F-Bomb on her. Dave taps out.

Suave: THAT’S IT! DAVE TAPS OUT!

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO

Suave: CHRIS ESCONDIDO HOLDS ON TO THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE…thanks to a little help from…RAHMBO!

Crowd: RAHMMMMM-BO!…RAHMMMMM-BO!

Suave: Well? We’re going to find out really quick what intentions Domination Inc. has. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin is already in the ring with Tequila Sheila.

MATCH #3 PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…aka KRC © (Domination Inc.) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN w/Tequila Sheila (Joe SixPacks) Suave: Tessa’s still waiting. I don’t know what’s going- WAIT A MINUTE! IT’S QUADRUPLE R WITH A CHAIR!

*CLANG*

Suave: HOLY CRAP! TESSA’S DOWN AND I DON’T THINK SHE’S GETTING UP!

*CLANG*

Suave: QUADRUPLE R JUST DRILLED TEQUILA SHEILA WITH THE CHAIR! AND HERE COMES KRC!

The crowd craps all over this. They are pissed. Debris starts flying into the ring. The PCW Women’s Champion turns Tessa over and sticks her foot on her chest. The referee reluctantly counts it. 1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS

Suave: THIS SUCKS! THIS TOTALLY SUCKS. THIS IS SUCH A BULL CRAP ENDING! NO FREAKIN’ WAY…HOLD ON!

Joe SixPack hits the ring. Kevin Scott tackles Quad R and they start to brawl. ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade join in and triple team Quad R.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! REDNECK 4-D DEATH BLAST ON QUADRUPLE R! AND HERE COMES DOMINATION INC.!

Rough Justice…aka D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired for their over the top extreme style of justice, wade in with Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit. Ruff and Justice taser the hell out of Locke and Loade- they’re out. Big Oil and Walstreit lock up get into a wild brawl with Average Joe and the American Trucker- an old grudge match from a few months back. Joe the Plumber tries to help out but Daisy Cutter-Bomb kicks him in the balls.

Suave: Ah…poor Joe. DAISY CUTTER POWERBOMB! DAISY CUTTER POWERBOMB!

Daisy leaves Joe in a heap. Ruff and Justice duel with Kevin Scott. Justice gets the taser on Scott and takes him down.

Suave: HERE COMES DAVE THE MECHANIC!

Dave, still a bit winded from his TV Title match, wheels his battery charger down with him. He grabs the jumper cables and…

*ZZZZZAP*

…down goes Ruff. Justice lunges at him…

*ZZZZZAP*

…down goes Justice. Walstreit Stock Market Plunges American Trucker. Big Oil choke slams Average Joe.

Suave: HE’S GOT HIM!

*WHAM*

Suave: OKLAHOMA DRILLER! OKLAHOMA DRILLER!…”

The crowd suddenly cheers.

Suave: HERE COMES PCW SECURITY DIRECTOR DAWN McGILL!

McGill, with Singapore Cane in hand, runs up to Walstreit.

*THWACK* *THWACK*

Walstreit staggers into the steel guardrail. Big Oil rips the jumper cables away from Dave the Mechanic and choke slams him.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! Dave bounced up about six inches off the canvas!

Big Oil goes for the jumper cables, McGill plants her 4 inch stiletto heels in his groin. Big Oil to his knees.

*THWACK*

Big Oil topples over. Daisy Cutter-Bomb attacks McGill from behind and knocks the Singapore cane away. McGill instinctively whirls around with an open hand and smacks Daisy in the face. She stumbles all the way across the ring. McGill picks up the Singapore cane but gets blindsided by the PCW Women’s champion Kathryn Randall Collins. KRC drives McGill to the corner. McGill kick to the groin with her stilettos stops KRC in her tracks. She takes two steps back and turns around to see ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin standing there- with her oversized pizza box.

*WHAP*

Suave: HELLO! and GOODNIGHT! TESSA COVERS KRC! SHE COUNTS OUT HER OWN PINFALL.

An angry Tessa yells at KRC. Then she takes the pizza box and Arabian Facebusters KRC for good measure.

Domination Inc. CEO Mr. McMann arrives on scene with Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Suave: Mr. McMann is not happy.

McMann surveys the devastation of his Corporate group.

Suave: How much do you want to bet they’ll be an emergency board meeting after this? It’s going to take a few minutes to clean this up. We’ll be right back after this commercial message.

Suave: Okay, we’re back. Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit are in the ring. Mr. McMann and Domination Inc. are still ringside. PCW Security Director Dawn McGill is still ringside. And the Schett Brothers are ready to go. It looks like we’re going to have a match.

MATCH #4 PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and KIRK WALSTREIT- Wall Street Market Analyst with Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit © (Domination Inc.) vs. JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance) The bell rings. Big Oil takes one step forward and then climbs out of the ring. Big Oil, Walstreit, and the rest of Domination Inc walk back to the locker room. Again, the crowd craps all over it. Jack Schett stands in the ring with his arms outstretched. The referee starts to count Big Oil and Walstreit out.

Suave: They’re going back to the locker room. And of course, the title won’t change hands unless it’s a pin or submission so Big Oil and Walstreit will keep the belts. And PCW can’t say they no-showed because they were here. But the crowd is not happy.

WINNER: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT by count out. Big Oil and Walstreit retain PCW Tag Team Titles.

Suave: PCW Title Match next. And just how ready is Kevin Scott going to be after getting tasered by Rough Justice? We’ll find out shortly.

BACK DOOR OF HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOONA group of Obama supporters are celebrating. “I’m just…so inspired! I want to make this country better!” The group agrees. “What a great day for America! We are all better people!” More agreement. “I’m ready for change. The old ways weren’t working! We need to all come together!” More agreement.

The back door opens. Former PCW CEO George W, and his father George H.W. leave Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “BOOOOOOOOO!” “NA-NA-NAAA-NAH NA-NA-NAAAA-NAH! HEY, HEY, HEY. GOODBYEEEEE!” A few throw empty beer cups towards W.

Suave: Hmmm…so much for ‘change.’

W and H.W. get into their car and drive away.

Suave: There you have it. The former CEO of PCW, George W, has left the building.

O’Beck Bahama and Justin Sufferable walk towards the ring.

Suave: Kevin Scott is already in the ring and I’ve got to wonder if just 15 minutes or so after getting tasered by Rough Justice whether he can go or not.

MATCH #5 PCW TITLE MATCH: O’BECK BAHAMA w/ ‘Not Just Intolerable, not just unbearable, he is…’ Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. KEVIN SCOTT (Joe SixPacks)Scott leans back against the corner ringpost.

Suave: I don’t know…I don’t know if he can wrestle now.

The bell rings and Scott sprints from his corner catching Bahama by surprise. He takes out the legs and then works an arm bar. Bahama sticks his foot on the bottom rope and the ref breaks the hold. Scott gets up and tries to catch Bahama again. Bahama back body drops Scott right out of the ring onto the floor.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Scott lies there for 30 seconds before finally moving.

Suave: I’m sorry, they should stop this right now. He’s in no condition to wrestle.

The referee goes over to ask if he’s okay. Scott nods yes. He pulls himself back into the ring. Body slam by Bahama. Bahama backbreaker and that’s it. The referee calls for the bell.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: O’BECK BAHAMA

Suave: I give Kevin Scott credit for trying. But he didn’t belong in the ring tonight after getting tasered. Next week, we’re back with PCW Extreme Political TV. We’ll see you then.

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