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quasieli · 3 years

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top six: fictional characters that give you gender envy, flowers, little things that make you happy and d&d moments :D

Ooh lotsa questions!

Gender Envy:

1) Bow from She-Ra (2018). Something about buff athletic dude who wears crop tops and is soft as hell is very Gender to me.

2) Vax from Critical Role. Pretty boy, kinda goth rogue? That’s sexy as hell and I wish that was me.

3) In a wildly different idea of gender envy, I’ve been thinking about it lately and @quantum-lesbian’s character in the Frostmaiden game I’m in with them, Ambrose, is Big Gender. Beautiful non-binary drow with a starry and kinda witchy aesthetic that dresses super grandly and ostentatiously no matter the occasion? Yes please.

4) Pete from The Unsleeping City, specifically season two. I adore season one Pete but season two Pete that works in a queer bookshop and has a teapot arcane focus, is artsy and is unapologetically a trans man who doesn’t give a shit about gender roles? Sign me the fuck up.

5) Beau from Critical Role. Buff GNC lesbian mixed with academia, but like academia from the prospective of a grad student with ADHD trying to learn everything about their special interests? A+, I love her and I’m jealous.

6) I’m gonna cheat a lil bit for this last one. I know the prompt is fictional characters, but Julia Lepetit and Jacob Andrews in their Hitman streams? Simultaneously both of them were Gender for me. Jacob esp felt like that for me, which is weird cause dresses can make me dysphoric, but I am also slightly envious of the Dude in a Dress type of gender presentation.

Can you tell that I’m a confused trans masc enby

Gonna put it under the cut from here cause oof, there’s still a lot more.

Flowers:

1) Big slut for Sunflowers, always have been, always will be.

2) Fun fact, my dad’s family used to own a flower shop (in like the 70s, so I never got to see it :(), and one of their big things was hydrangeas. My dad has always loved them and now I love the snowballs too!

3) A recent favorite, the Baker’s Globe Mallow. It’s a type of flower that only grows from the soils of forests that have been affected by wildfires. It’s a simple little flower but I love the idea of something beautiful rising from the ashes after tragedy. A little dramatic, but I’m queer, ofc I’m dramatic.

4) Roses are another important flower to my family (Rose was a family name for a couple generations), and ya know, they’re a classic.

5) There’s this beautiful magnolia tree in front of my house that blooms with the most beautiful white and pink flowers every spring, and it’s one of my favorite things to see every year.

6) There’s so many different types of Lillies and they’re all very pretty, but the Purple Stargazer is prob my favorite.

Little Things That Make Me Happy:

1) My cat, Maddie. She may be a cranky girl at times, but she is also very sweet and will always be my baby (even though she is 12).

2) Not a little thing really, but my best friend. Just getting a sweet/silly text from her or the two of us chilling in a room, sitting in a comfortable silence because we just like being together, nothing better.

3) Baking, esp if I’m doing it for others. I’m not much of a sweets person myself, a little treat every once in a while type person, but I love baking. It’s a very relaxing process for me, even when it can sometimes get stressful, but seeing people enjoying something I made, especially something that brought me great joy to make, is simply the best.

4) In the same sorta vein, crafting and other art, but that’s a bit more personal. I love making things for others, but art, particularly drawing, is something I do more for me. It’s such a great feeling when you can get into a really good art mood and just sink yourself into a project. I love it.

5) My plush toys. Yes, I am a 23 year old, no I will not stop loving my plushies. I just got a few new friends, which I made a post about recently, and they such good cuddle buddies. However, there is one king amongst them all. I have this old, beat up christmas puppy beanie baby, on his tag named Jingle Pup, but I just call him Jingle. I had one version of him since I was like 6, but he currently lives on a shelf cause he is very beaten up and fragile, but his “brother”, who I got when I was 8, is still in kinda good shape and is currently chilling on my chest as I type this lol.

6) Again, not a little thing, but it’s important to mention; D&D. The game itself is such a joy, but truly the best part of it is the people. I love creating stories and memories with people through this weird little game. Truly one of my favorite things to do.

D&D Moments:

These are all gonna be personal moments, rather than anything from actual play shows/podcasts. RC is Reforged Campaign, where I play Saube, and FM is Frostmaiden, where I play Sparks.

1) RC - Meeting Mahety, Saube’s girlfriend. We met her way back in session 12 and we are now up to like session 73. Saube saw her and was immediately big heart eyes at her but also felt a bit awkward and shy. So, being a game a dice, I decided to roll. 10 or higher, Saube would talk to her, 9 or lower, she’d stay put. I rolled a 17, 17 is now a lucky number for me. I love Mahety and I’d die for her.

2) FM - This was an insane fight that should not have been so crazy, but in a fairly early session, my group went up against an angry druid and her awakened animals. So much batshit stuff happened in that fight, and we unfortunately lost our bread loving bard (RIP Agneyis), but one of my favorite combat turns happened in this fight. Our artificer, Omaren, has a robe of useful items and one of the patches on it creates a large pit. Thinking quickly, Omaren tore off the patch, slid it under one of the dire wolves we were fighting and created a looney tunes style pit under it, allowing us to take it out easily via pot shots. Such a clutch move and such a funny visual, especially because the dire wolf kept failing the checks to get out of the pit.

3) RC - Saube’s Zebrith (I will never remember how this actually spelled RIP). So, for context, Saube ended up with a death curse (long story) that mechanically meant they had disadvantage on any death saving throws. Scary as hell, need to get that fixed! So, Saube and their party had to be smuggled into another country to talk with some religious leaders of a goddess known as The First, the goddess of death. They were told that Saube would have to go through the aforementioned ritual, which included her soul leaving her body for a short period of time. During this ritual, her friends had to call back to her, to say things that would bring her back to her body and I still cry thinking about that game. That ritual was not only important for Saube bodily, but spiritually as well. After that ritual, Saube officially became a cleric of The First!

4) A real sappy one, RC - Saube meeting all of her friends. Anyone who follows along with the rantings on my blog probably knows how important this game is to me. I met this random group of strangers on tumblr and formed a D&D party with them and now, a year and a half later, I honestly think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but not only has this game brought me so much joy and comfort, but I also gained a group of really amazing friends who have been nothing but amazing since day one. As much as Saube knows she can depend on SICL, I know I can depend on my group of weirdos lol. We both love our friends very much and even though we’ve all been through some crazy shit, we wouldn’t change it for the world.

5) RC - Just playing Saube in general. I really didn’t intend for it to be this way, but Saube is very much a reflection of myself. She is the first long term character I have ever played and so much of me is in her. I try not to treat D&D like therapy, because that’s unfair to my DM and fellow party members, but playing Saube has allowed me to work through some of my own problems, especially social anxiety, in a lot safer of an environment. It isn’t so much that I’m asking this game to help me fix my life, but playing out these scenarios that, in the real world, would make me anxious or make me freak out, I can stop, take a moment to breathe and work out these issues in a way that makes sense to me. Playing her has led me to understanding myself a bit better, as well, and that’s truly such a wonderfully unexpected gift from this whole experience.

6) Lastly, a silly one: RC - Getting a crit 6. The last session of this game got real interesting. Saube’s party ended up in the ethereal plane and magic got real fucky there. So, any time any of us tried to cast a spell, we’d roll a d20, not look at the result, and then try to guess what number rolled. The closer to the number, the better the result. A few times, a few people managed to get within like 3 or 4 of their roll, but oh the power I felt when I rolled a 6 (on Saube’s die!) and guessed it correctly! So, not only did the spell (Bless) work, but it worked super well. So instead of getting +1d4 to attack rolls and saving throws, Saube and two other party members got +2d4 to attacks, saving throws and skill checks. So powerful I broke the rules of D&D lmao.

#asks #ask games #floralprintshark #D&D #Flowers #Saube #Sauhety #SICL #Sparks #long post #thanks <3 <3

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deliadexaerisofficialuniver-blog · 5 years

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What trans people are actually saying to transphobes if you’d be so kind as to stop twisting it/shoving words in our mouths/literally contradicting what we’ve already actually said

Basically it’s this: When transphobes on Tumblr talk about justifying misgendering trans people on the basis of not wanting to date someone with a certain set of genitals, and try to invalidate other non-transphobic straight and gay people’s orientations on the basis of the fact that many would date, have even sought out, have dated, or are dating trans people, I always see it coming down to them acting like trans people are saying that the only way to not misgender a trans person is to fuck them... Like they act as though some trans person has actually come up to them and said “fuck me, or you’re a transphobe,” and okay, you can make up whatever bullshit you want, but I just don’t see it happening. I see trans people saying “just because you don’t want to fuck someone doesn’t mean that their gender is invalid.” Y’all act like we are trying to say you can’t say “no,” when, IDK about other trans people, but I feel like being able to say “no” for *ANY* reason, and have it respected is fucking important. If how I should have been able to say “no” to my ex wife when I wasn’t in the mood without guilting is a fucking issue, you should absolutely be able to say “no” to someone you’re not even in a relationship with without it being dissed. The problem is y’all act like some trans person actually came up to you, and was like “you like *insert gender*, and I’m *insert gender,* so you have to fuck me, which would be a ludicrous expectation regardless of whether a person was trans or cis no matter what their gender was (even if entitled cis dudes often do seem to act like it should be that way with straight women, but yay, the joys of misogyny...) all you said was “no,” and they flew off the handle and got all pressuring and rapey at you, and acting like you have to fuck them, otherwise you’re being a violent transphobe, when we all know that’s not what happened. I can’t even imagine such a scene, it’s such a stretch of the imagination. We all know you’re just pissed that someone you aren’t into has the audacity to identify as the gender they are without having the bits that the binary says define whether or not a person is “allowed” to be that gender. I’m not gonna act like no trans person has ever expressed interest in a transphobe and been rejected, but here’s the thing: When you reject a trans person, and choose to go further and intentionally misgender them, like legit say to a trans woman “No, I don’t date men,” (Read “ No, You’re a man.”), or to a trans man “No, I don’t date women,” (”No, You’re a woman,”) which *is* something that actually happens, first off, that trans person is immediately going to lose interest, so taking literally anything they say after that point as though there were any interest remaining at all is a *huge* misinterpretation. Literally nothing a trans person says after you misgender them is coming from a place of interest or attraction. If they naturally respond by correcting your misgendering, you shouldn’t read a trans woman’s “Excuse me, but I’m a chick,” or a trans man’s “I’m not a woman, you ass,” as “But you should date me,” because that is not the intended meaning at ALL, you should take it as “Wow, you’re an ass and you literally did not have to misgender me to say ‘no thanks, I’m not interested,’ ‘no thanks, you’re not my type,’ or literally any other version of ‘No’ which would not be violent.”

The act of saying “no” isn’t what’s transphobic, not being interested is not what’s transphobic, and none of us are trying to imply that it is. The act of misgendering is what we are saying is transphobic.

Even when you choose to misconstrue a statement as simple as “It’s normal for straight men and lesbians to be attracted to trans women,” you’re entirely missing the meaning and tacking what you *want* it to mean on so you can *act* like trans people are saying you’re not allowed to have a preference as to which men or women you do or don’t want to date, when that’s not being said at all. It’s not even remotely intended to mean “You are a lesbian or a straight man, so you should be attracted to every trans woman on the planet, or else you’re a transphobe,” it is intended to mean: “Hey, sometimes when cis people are attracted to a trans person, they freak out when they find out we’re trans, because society told them that it’s not normal, or even for example, makes them gay if they’re a man attracted to a transgender woman, and choose to respond to us for their attraction with violence that sometimes even ends up in trans people getting murdered because society taught them that it’s not normal, so we’re affirming that it is normal, so that less instances of a cis person being attracted to a trans person of the gender they are attracted to will end up in someone being subject to an act of violence like being misgendered, outed, beaten, or even murdered for a normal attraction that’s not our fault, or a ‘lie’ or a ‘trick,’ or a ‘trap,’ and would kindly appreciate if you would stop reinforcing the idea that a cis person *should* feel ‘tricked’ or ‘lied to’ for finding a trans person attractive, by saying that our gender *is* a lie, so that trans panic murders and beatings, and other violent responses to instances of a cis person being attracted to a trans person could, you know, stop happening.”

Is misgendering a trans person the same as murdering a trans person? No, but it’s still an act of violence. You’re attacking that person’s identity and personhood. You are outing them to other people around who may commit physical violence as well, but even in the absence of physical violence, social violence is still violence as well. It’s literally an intentional addition to the exisiting societal pressure to try to convert trans people out of our authentic genders and into the gender you want us to be in order to make the world fit your cut and dry false binary of penis = man and vagina = woman.

You want to talk about conversion therapy? Cool. Creating an environment of constant misgendering is literally one of the primary aspects of attempts at transphobic conversion therapy. My parents pulled that shit on me. Literally any time you misgender a trans person, you are attempting to convert them out of being trans, you’re literally just another brick in the transphobic wall that tries to keep us from transitioning, or even simply living in our identities authentically without finding them under constant assault. Trying to convince a trans woman that she is a man, or a trans man that he is a woman is a direct act of violence, and a denial of the fact that their gender is valid. It’s a psychological assault on someone who’s already spent an entire life being told that their body makes them a different person than who they are inside, and had to work past year upon year of transphobic indoctrination to finally be able to accept themselves, and not fear being themselves. It’s an attempt to shove them back into the closet and dictate who they are “supposed” to be for your transphobic “comfort.” Trans lives are more important than whether or not a cis person feels discomfort at realizing they are attracted to us.

Meanwhile, I can’t think of any example of homophobic conversion therapy trying to use “Okay, you like women? Date this trans woman.” in order to “get the gay out,” which would be *incredibly* illogical considering that the goal of conversion therapy is to get gay people to date cis men if they’re women, or cis women if they’re men, or that a trans person tried to say that lesbians should try out cis men, or gay people should try out cis women. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a time that a trans person has tried to say that people who like women have to date trans women, or that people who like men have to date trans men regardless of whether they are gay or straight, just that it’s normal to be attracted to us, and we’d appreciate it if y’all could learn how to say “no,” without having to add a misgendering on top of it to justify it. You don’t have to justify it. You literally can just say “no.” “But, I said no and I got pushback! (They asked ‘why’ or were like ‘but come on...’ or any other example of pressuring.) ” Okay... That makes the *individual* you’re rejecting an asshole, regardless of gender, and has nothing to do with them being trans. Some women are assholes. Some men are assholes. Doesn’t matter if they’re trans or cis. You still don’t have to misgender them. You can say “I’m just not interested.” You can say “No means No.” You can even just say “What the fuck’s you’re problem, I’m not interested, and I don’t owe you a reason, now fuck off!” If they keep pushing it, they’re, again, being an ass, and you have every right to act like they’re being an ass, but this doesn’t include misgendering them, or otherwise being violent. If someone won’t go away or leave you alone, you have a right to be left alone, get help. If someone invades your space, that’s fucking violent, and you have every right to defend yourself. None of that requires misgendering. The problem isn’t that trans people are trying to force anyone to date/fuck us, we aren’t saying that anyone at all has to, not to mention that plenty of people are already dating/fucking us regardless of your disinterest. The problem isn’t that you’re not allowed to say “no,” you fucking *SHOULD* say no to anyone you’re not attracted to, even if it’s just because you don’t like something about their face, or the way they laugh, and wouldn’t be able to stand dealing with it every day. The problem is that transphobes just aren’t interested in any change in behavior which requires them to stop misgendering us in order to stop being a part of the problem. Y’all act like saying “no” to trans people requires being able to misgender us. It doesn’t. You’re just a transphobic prick who wants to be able to misgender trans people in the hopes that we will convert to being cis. Ain’t gonna happen. Not sorry. Trans women will continue to identify as women. Trans men will continue to identify as men. Plenty of people who like women will continue dating trans women. Plenty of people who like men will continue dating trans men. Be as pissed about it as you want, it’s not your life. Reject as many trans people as you want, you’re a transphobe, you’re literally saving us from making a mistake. Just quit acting like you have to misgender us in order to say “no,” and yeah, expect us to get indignant at being misgendered when you make the choice to misgender us, but if you think that indignance is coming from a place of trying to pushback at your rejection once you’ve made it clear that you’re a transphobic asshole, you’re delusional. No trans person wants to date a transphobe, we just want you to quit misgendering us. You can make a choice not to misgender a trans person without having to date or fuck them. It’s really not that hard.

#trans #transgender #transphobia #terfs #tehms #Haven't personally been rejected and misgendered lately #just sick of seeing people harassing us and acting like we're asking for anything more than to stop misgendering us

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chevasvandel · 4 years

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Your fists were made for fighting.

“If I knew what I knew in the past, I would’ve been blacked out on your ass.”

-Kanye West

I have had a lot of dirty motherfuckers be a part of my life. To be fair, I haven’t always been as understanding of my value when I was a younger person, but what I understand now is that just because I wasn’t exceptional doesn't mean I wasn’t deserving of respect. I have to express the ways in which young black children have to be exceptional in all fields they attempt otherwise they won’t even be considered good enough. And depending on how we perform then people will think that we don’t need to be treated with respect or dignity as a part of that. There have been too many times when people pushed me aside, talked to me like I was an imbecile, and showed me no love. In hindsight I should have raged. I should have been violent. I should have done everything I could have to bust out of the confines that other people continuously wanted to put me in. I should’ve broken windows and cursed people out, because what I know now as a result of years of allowing people to treat however they wanted to, that nothing is worth being a punching bag. People will punch and knock you down just for the sport of it. People will oppress you just for the sport of it. People will marginalize you just for the sport of it. My self-respect, dignity, and heart were effectively beaten out of me by the age of 23.

By the time I turned twenty-four I had had enough. My best friend at the time was Nick Jamero. Me and Nick had met during our freshman year when we were both living in the dorms on Fresno State campus. We would later grow closer during our time in Phi Mu Alpha and participate in the music department of Fresno State. I leaned on Nick for a lot. It was a spotting for a meal here and there and rides. In my mind it was just us being friends, but what I didn’t realize was that Nick was taking inventory of everything he was doing for me. Each ride and each time he was buying me meals it was a token that he would exchange in treating me horribly. Had I known that people who do something for you do it under the pretense that now they have some sort of power over you then I would have never allowed it. Especially from white people. Especially from straight people. I don’t ask for help anymore, especially for financial help. I will die penniless on the street before I ask someone for financial help if it means I get to keep my personal dignity. If you help someone out then do so from the kindness of your heart. But doing things for other people doesn’t enable you to treat them like they are on a leash and you hold the power to belittle them and make them the butt of the joke. Or maybe it does… Either way I am not down for that shit anymore.

I wonder and I think to myself how much of the way the world treats me is due to the fact that I am black and feminine and male-presenting. Through various media we have been taught to laugh at black femininity when it is housed in a male form. It’s okay when Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry, or Eddie Murphy wears a dress because the purpose of that male figure adorning femininity was to entertain, but for male presenting figures that house or express femininity we are subject to being the butt of the joke even without our own permission. I think through the media a lot of us have been taught to laugh at people like me. The non-binary. The genderqueer. The femme gay boy. What hurts even worse is the fact that I know if I were lighter-skinned then I would not be viewed as much of a dissonant creature than I am. Femininity in all its forms is more heavily policed than masculinity. Masculinity can be whatever it wants to be, but Femininity has so many hoops it has to fit through in order to be taken seriously or viewed as valuable.

Growing up, my family, to be quite honest, treated me fairly horrible. I think in their minds they were doing what was expected of them; that is they were doing “right” by not raising their child to be gay. I felt like I was constantly being attacked for no reason, but the reason was my sexuality. My queerness was always evident and a part of who I am. My femininity was always evident and a part of who I am. Even at the age of 7, I knew I was gay, I knew I was feminine, and I know I was powerful. So when my family continuously tried to beat or attack my queerness then I took that personally as an attack not just to the expression of who I am but to my spirit. I walked around through a large part of my adult life thinking that that was what love was and meant: the people in my life treat me like absolute shit and I still give them my best because its my fault for choosing to be gay and feminine. The sickest part of it all is that I don’t think a majority of my family or past friends think they did anything wrong. It was treated just like a fact: we treat Chevas like shit. He expects it. He allows it. He believes that that is what he deserves.

Nothing I do will ever make up for those moments. I can never go back in time and hug my fifteen year old self and let him know not to change and to fight for himself as hard as possible. Fight for yourself even if that means everyone thinks you are crazy. Even if it means that you are alone. Even if you have no friends. Even if you have to eat lunch alone every single day of highschool. You can not allow disrespect. You can not hang out with friends that continuously make you the butt of the joke. You can not allow anyone, not even your mother or uncle or brother to treat you in a way that is disrespectful and counter to the value and the worth that you know that you have. I have been very reckless a lot of times in my adult life because of the recklessness I should have had in terms of attaining respect for myself. I was trading my respect for anything that seemed like love, but I wasn’t loving myself enough to know that overall what I should have been demanding from these niggas was resepct. I don’t care how you feel about my dark-complexion or my femininity or my poverty or my intellect: you are still going to respect me or you are going to get your teeth knocked in. The lesson that every young person needs to learn before they reach adulthood is how to be themselves and see the power in their authentic selves regardless of what their respective environment is telling them.

I wish I could go back and just fight for myself so much harder than I knew how to at 15. I was so afraid and felt so small. I felt so ugly and horrible and stupid and undeserving of love. No one knows what it felt like to be me or how my lack of dignity or self-respect manifested in so many (so many) horrible moments in my life. Had I known how not fighting for myself would lead to a twenty-something era of abusive relationships and friendships and work environments then I would have spazzed the fuck out sooner. Like the old saying goes, “never let someone get comfortable disrespecting you.” I am willing to sacrifice being loved if it means being respected.

If I could go back and tell my fifteen year old self anything it would be to be louder. It would be to prioritize his goals and his intellectuality. I would tell him to read a million books and practice the guitar for a million hours because those are the things that will bring you closer to your real self. I would tell him to curse his mother and uncle and his brother out: it is better to command respect than to allow disrespect. It is your right as a human being on this earth to make every effort to progress yourself. I would tell him to be out and loud and proud even obnoxiously so. Let the blood hit the pavement. Like the wounds burn. Let the glass break. You are stronger than you think you are. You are more durable than you think you are. Being alone is a superpower that not many people can handle. Be brave and be yourself. Your fists were made for fighting.

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shadetastic · 5 years

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I like how you reblog all these feminist posts like you weren’t an adult man preying on teenage girls/non-binary people for years. Fuck off.

Aight you wanna anon me no problem I’ll come out and say it. Hell I’ll bump this multiple times I don’t care.

I was a horribly shitty person for a very good portion of my early adult life. It’s still a recent time for those people and for me too so it’s not like those wounds are old either. I took advantage of people, abused the power I had in situations, hurt those close to me and tried to act like I wasn’t at fault. I was not a good person even as I tried to give off this false identity as if I was.

If I could go back and change those events I would and not for my own sake but for those affected by my actions and choices. I feel intense remorse for what I have done to people. Not regret. I don’t regret that I hurt others becuase that would imply that I wish I hadn’t gotten in trouble or caught. I feel remorse because my actions were incredibly damaging to those I interacted with and I am ashamed of myself for what I did. I was raised better than that and should never have made the choices that I did or taken the actions that I took.

Thinking back on the things I did to people: I see those events as the worst moments in my life. Things I would pay anything to go back in time and change. To go back and nail my self in the face and beat the ever loving shit out of the past version of myself that EVER thought doing that was at all appropriate.

But the fact is I can’t. Those people have to live with what I did and so do I. But growth is still possible. That’s what I have been focusing on since the dawn of 2018. I’ve been going to therapy, making art with my therapist about my past, talking to my therapist about how best to focus my life in a way that positivitely affects others and actively making choices that both help me and those around me. I’ve quit drinking pretty much entirely, I no longer smoke weed or go out and party with people I hardly know. I keep to myself and focus on the things I can improve about my own life so that I can feel fulfilled without having to rely on or use other people.

As much as I would like to apologize for my actions in the past I’m probably never going to get that opportunity. I am not entitled to the chance to ask for forgiveness nor are those people obligated to forgive me. Something I’ve taken to heart through therapy and self discovery is the Hebrew definitions of forgiveness. There’s Forgiveness: which is entirely dependent on the injured party to offer, a choice made and not a requirement. There’s Repentance: the actions one takes to personally improve oneself and not make the same choices as they did before, making themselves worthy of their own growth. And Attonement: the work one does to make themselves right with the Universe or God or what ever they believe in. I have been focusing on the latter two, since I know I do not deserve nor expect the forgiveness of those I have hurt.

I’ve honestly been expecting a message like this to come my way eventually. And I have a pretty good idea of who it might be sending it, in fact a couple of people come to mind but I will not ask them to come forward off anon to speak with me or allow me to apologize. You’ve said your peace and that’s that.

That fact that your still following me and keeping track of what I reblog and post means that you have not moved on and I do not mean that in condescending way. It’s honestly pretty uncomfortable knowing that someone from my past still keeps track of my blog but that is your right and choice to make so feel free to continue.

As for the feminism: my political and ideological awakening came when I realized I did not share a lot of the same points of view with the people I hung out with in college. The events in Ferguson that took place in the summer of 2014 opened my eyes to what the world was like and informed me of what side I fell on in the political spectrum. It was an ideological coming of age for me. As for the feminist beliefs, it was right around when I started using tumblr in 2013 that I became exposed to those view points and started to align myself with them. Now it is a fare assessment that my actions in the past did not remotely belay that same kind of thought and I was not living the example that I should have set for myself. I was cruel and disgusting and manipulative.

But that does not reflect who I am today. I do my best to embody my ideals every day as I live in this world. I have grown as a person. I have done my best to help and not hurt, I have been living as the son my mother raised me to be. A kinder man than my father, an empathetic person to others’ experiences and lives. I do my best to exhibit the ideals I preach now.

I know saying this will never be enough for you or anyone else that I hurt and affected in the past. There are no words that I could say to make up for what I have done. I used to think that I should just end my life and save everyone else the pain of my existence. I tried to at the beginning of 2018 around the first week of January. I got in my car in the middle of the night with ice covered roads with plans to drive my self off a bridge. If not for my roommate at the time getting in with me and listening to me ball my eyes out about my own stupid hurtful actions I would have. A responsibility I wish they never had to bare especially since they were one of the people I hurt the most in those years. They were a person I respected above everything else in my life and I never showed it. I treated them like garbage, like they meant nothing. The fact that they were the one to keep me from killing my self was a horribly ironic book end to our relationship. But this ain’t a woe is me moment, I don’t want any one to feel sorry for me. If I had ended my life that night, I still feel that it would have been justified. A punishment befitting the crimes I had committed, especially for the things I had done over the 3 months prior to that day.

But instead, I lived. And I chose to, after taking time to recover mentally: I went to college again, tried to do something that I knew I could feel fulfilled with, something where I could harness the talents I knew I had to aid others and do something creative with my life. I chose to live. A choice that will certainly haunt me forever but one I have to make the most of. I feel an obligation to do better by the people in my life. I have to make something of myself that actively helps others, makes them happy not hurt. Do something that I can be proud of and that others could be proud of me for doing. And if I’m not deserving of that then fine. I will deal with that when the time comes. But for now I am trying to good by my life. Now I know these words will probably mean nothing to you. They’ll seem empty, like a front made to make myself seem like a better person and I doubt you’ll get this far in the post. Hell I struggle with accepting that I can even be a good person after what I have done. But I want you to know that they are true. This IS really how I feel about what I did to people. This IS really how I want to live my life now. And yes: I really AM a feminist.

#ask #anon #hello again #life story i guess #im going to bump this multiple times until everyone that needs to see it sees it #if you change your opinion of me after reading this and the ask above then i dont blame you #what they said is true #but so is what i said #pass ur own judgement

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whitehotharlots · 7 years

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The Day of the Wokeists

Before we begin, here’s a brief list of musicians whose work has not been pulled off streaming services, whose records are still for sale online and in shops, and whose labels did not issue massive recalls:

Remy Ma, who shot someone, and then while on trial for the shooting had a group of friends beat up the boyfriend of a witness.

Jerry Lee Lewis, who married his 13-year old cousin and then broke into Graceland in 1974 to try and murder Elvis.

Rick James, who locked a 24-year-old woman in his basement for six days, raped her repeatedly, and burned her legs and genitals with his crack pipe.

Phil Spector, who pulled a gun on 4 separate women who refused to sleep with him, and eventually shot a 5th woman in the woman in the mouth, killing her.

Mark E. Smith, the world’s angriest-looking man and serial domestic abuser.

Chuck Berry, who installed cameras in the bathrooms of the restaurant he owned and taped women as they peed.

Ice Cube***, who beat the shit out of a female rapper at her record release party while his bodyguard threatened to shoot anyone who tried to intervene.

Ian Watkins, lead singer of Lostprophets, who convinced several female fans to allow him to rape their small children. When police confiscated his computer he had to give them his password so they could unlock it. It was—I swear to god—“ifuckkids.”

That’s just the first several that popped into my head. I didn’t even need to google them. And that’s also just very major offenses, not including minor crimes such as when Paul Simon appropriated African culture, or when Vampire Weekend appropriated Paul Simon’s appropriation. Or that Jamie Killstein guy who got popular for being Super Woke but then wasn’t nice enough to the groupies he fucked. Or Iggy Azalea and Azalea Banks—I forget which is which, but I know one is bad because she is white and raps while the other is a black woman who thinks that gay people are demons.

So, okay, let’s talk about a hot musical act called PWR BTTM. They are a pair of queer, gender-fluid youngsters who write painfully simplistic teen angst rock. The music is middling, I think. I’m frankly happy whenever I see any young people playing guitars, but their sound reflects the boring edgelessnes that typifies “indie” music in the late twenty-teens. Maybe I’m just getting old, or maybe their music is objectively dull. I dunno. At any rate, it’s inoffensive but doesn’t do much for me.

In interviews, the kids seem charming: introspective enough for people in their early twenties, honest, pleasingly effeminate, self-possessed but not cocky. There’s no obvious signs of idiocy or pretension.

Their shtick is shtick, only now shtick has become conflated with people’s deep-seeded (inalterable, unquestionable) identities, so it’s super loaded and dangerous to comment upon. So, umm, they’re gender fluid. And they express that by covering themselves in glitter. Which makes their concerts seem safe to other kids who indentify as non-binary. I’ll accept all that at face value.

Yesterday, the group’s new album had just dropped and it was getting rave reviews: 4 stars from NME and Rolling Stone, and a B+ from Consequence of Sound. Stereogum compared them to Sleater-Kinney, Fugazi, Husker Du, and the Beatles. Again, I am not a musicologist and my taste is just my taste, but I own literally every album released by each of those groups and I can find zero trace of any of them in PWR BTTM. But that’s just me.

Woke Social Media was even more effusive in its praise. They were, in actuality, borderline violent in their praise. This morning, I found over 20 accounts that were angry the album was getting less-than-perfect reviews (B pluses instead of A’s) and accused the aforementioned publications of being all sorts of phobic. It wasn’t enough to compare PWR BTTM to the Beatles. PWR BTTM needed to be called better than the Beatles.

But then god shrugged. Posts began to emerge. PWR BTTM, it turned out, were not woke purveyors of safety and inclusion. Oh no. They were rapists.

A lone facebook poster said she knew of several people who had been somehow molested by the group—details were sparse, but they alluded to bandmates hitting on people who didn’t want to be hit on, trying to sleep with people under 18, and “violating consent.” Others posted, as well, all saying not they themselves were victims but that they had heard of others who were victims. Most damningly, (which is to say, most specifically) Jezebel published an account of an anonymous woman who claimed one of the bandmates tried to have sex with her while she was passed out.

The denunciations came in an avalanche. Their label dropped them. All, or nearly all, venues canceled. Their opening acts and touring band members quit. All copies of their music was removed for purchase from streaming sites, new physical copies of their album cannot be bought on Amazon, and their label is offering to refund the money of anyone who bought the record. (Amazon is offering used copies of their latest for $30.00 per CD; LostProphets’ “Liberation Transmission,” meanwhile, is free to stream with Amazon Prime and can be ordered on CD for $5.99, shipping included).

So we have two possibilities, here:

A couple of young queer kids were/are really big sex creeps, and they’ve been allowed to prey freely upon vulnerable kids because they do a good job of using woke terminology. OR

A couple of young queer kids are weirdos, have probably creeped out or angered people but haven’t actually done like actual Assault, but they are now being unduly smeared through thirdhand, low-follower social media accounts making accusations that are absolutely unverifiable.

At any rate, the only acceptable reaction to an accusation is enthusiastic and unqualified acceptance. So PWR BTTM’s career is now done. Period. Anyone who does not sufficiently distance themselves from the band are subject to immediate excommunication from polite society. This very overview I am writing, if it gets noticed by more than a few hundred people, will be considered tantamount to physical assault, and people will try to identify me so as to get me fired.

And here, my friends, the foundational psychosis of the Woke Edifice has been laid bare. You cannot provide broad inclusion while demanding absolute conformity. Absolute conformity results in blunt reactionaryism, exclusion, violence, and heaps of obvious and unappealing self-contradiction. One minute you’re demanding the head of a writer for daring to suggest that a band’s identity gimmick doesn’t make them the greatest musical act of all time; the next, you’re demanding that no one so much as begin to question the fact that that band is raw evil.

I don’t want to dismiss the beauty of the connection that musicians can have with their fans, how seeing PWR BTTM act uniquely queer was probably very empowering to lots of young people and so these revelations must really suck. But, like, it’s still just a band: they were never actually protecting anybody or setting anyone free. At heart, the identity stuff was a gimmick. PWR BTTM were able to manipulate their audience—or were able to be taken down so absolutely, so quickly—because the rules that guide the ethical precepts that envelop and create their audience are both flimsily constructed and viciously enforced. Wokeness is very, very easy to manipulate but still somehow almost impossible to control. Once unleashed, it will always consume its purveyors, the wasters will always become the wasted.

It’s no coincidence that wokeness elevates cultural trifles into matters of absolute import. By definition, a demand for conformity must be policed in a harsh and aggressive manner, which leaves no room for consideration, discussion, or even basic self-evaluation. Blatant hypocrisy goes unquestioned, and so do takes that are absolutely and objectively incorrect. The most superficial signaling is celebrated as enlightenment , and any efforts toward complication are considered a sign of evil and disease.

But here’s the neat thing, demonstrated by the list that began this piece… these rules only apply to the people who subscribe to them. And subscription is voluntary, for those who don’t work in the media and/or have sense enough to keep their opinions off of the internet. And every time a fire like this one starts up, the woke sphere tightens its demands and gets a little meaner, and it becomes even more unappealing for everyone who isn’t already initiated.

***It was Dre who beat up the female rapper, not Ice Cube. I guess I actually should have googled it...

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