#no one cares about my personal philosophical thought on death

[guardarecheluna]

Wishing you were here tonight is like holding on. (CEO!H)

Words; 11.6K (look at me gooooo!)

Warnings: Fluff city, angst, parent death, smut (oral; fem rec. praise, penetrating sex.)

Summary: Harry has a brand-new employee at Pleasing. An employee that he fell in love with the minute he saw her, that he constantly had to hide his emotions from, because, well, he was the boss.

A/N: My first CEO!Harry one shot!! Eeeek I’m so excited for you to read this one, I’ve worked really hard on it, and I’ve always wanted to write about CEO Harry. I love him already; I hope you do too! If you read, please let me know what your favourite part was or talk to me here. I’m always open for conversations <3 (ALSO! This is my first time writing any smut, so be kind please) Take care and go easy on yourself this week. Elle x

March 2018

Harry is a good boss. Really, he is. He always stands up for his staff members, approving vacation days without much trouble and brought in pastries to the creative meetings.

He would maybe even be described as a happy, joyfull person, kind and engaged in what his staff was creating and how they were doing. And he was, but it was mostly a façade.

And it wasn’t that he didn’t feel joy around his colleagues, or that he was faking it to gain something else – Harry was just miserable in his personal life.

You would think it is impossible to be sad and to feel hopeless when you have a multi-million-pound company at the ripe age of 34, the cars, the women, the parties and all the vacation days he could ever want. But Harry wasn’t that shallow, he never had been. He wanted connection. Craved and yearned for a soulful connection with someone else. A lover, a soulmate to be his own, and not just a one-night stand or a drunken philosophical debate with whoever was available.

Harry sat in his penthouse suite, in the lounge. The penthouse was eerily quiet, apart from a few raindrops smattering against the glass of the windows. The sky looked as dreary and sad as he felt on the inside, his chest tightening and a furrow between his brows as the thought about her. There wasn’t a her yet, but when Harry sat there on his sofa, tie loose around his neck and clammy hands resting on his thighs, he couldn’t help but imagine her there with him.

He wasn’t going to cry though, have a breakdown or feel sorry for himself; it didn’t do him any good, even if it was all he needed right now. He almost called his mom, ready to confess his loneliness, his longing, empty, fragile heart, in hopes that his mothers love could glue at least a few pieces back together.

There was no use, though. He could feel himself falling deeper and deeper into the feeling of loneliness, his head leaning back over the arm of the couch.

A sudden phonecall woke him up from this circle of evil he found himself in. It was Niall, his COO, and best friend, the co-founder of Pleasing. Harry took a deep breath, readying himself for answering Niall’s phone call. It was past 8pm on Wednesday, if anything he wanted to go have a drink at a shitty bar somewhere and drag on about his ex-girlfriend. Harry couldn’t have that tonight.

Harry pressed answer and put on his façade, like he always did when there was possible business to oversee. “Hey, Niall.” Harry said, putting on his calmest, most stable voice. “Heeeeey there H! Sorry to bother you at this hour, I may have done something stupid, but I want you to hear me out before you get pissed, you hear me?” Niall enthused over the phone. Harry sighed, falling back on the sofa with the phone to his ear. This could be anything, it could be that he sold his part of the company to the devil himself or that someone put roses instead of tulips at the entrance of the building. “What did you do, Niall?” Harry let out, already feeling defeated with how his evening was going. His hand over his forehead, bracing himself for what was about to come out of Niall’s mouth. “It could be worse, Styles, I’ve done worse than this. So, you know how we were going over the applications for the new senior creative for cosmetics and design earlier?” Niall led on. “Yes.” Harry replied shortly. “Well, a very interesting application just got through a few hours late and I’ve already called her and set up an interview for tomorrow afternoon. Her resume looks incredible, she’s just leaving her post at Rare beauty and has previously worked as a creative at Milk makeup. She does marketing, press, design and has so many other skills, I just couldn’t put down her application without giving her a chance. If she’s anything like what’s mentioned in her resume she’ll-“Niall rambled on, Harry interrupting him, annoyance filling his head, although Niall didn’t deserve the blow of it. “Niall. We have a full day of interviews tomorrow, and you just booked another one until late. We don’t have time for this, I’m sure someone we’re interviewing can do all those tasks just as well.” Harry just wasn’t feeling it, at all. He didn’t care if Niall had just found the rarest gem in the industry, his workday was over at 5 and not a minute later. With how much brainpower has gone to his depressed mood and anxiety, he couldn’t bear the thought of staying until at least 6:30 on a Thursday. “Harry, I don’t know what to tell you, but I have a feeling about this one. I can stay and do the interview on my own if it bothers you that much. I just want us to give her a chance.” The line got quiet. Niall knew he had messed up not checking with Harry first, but his gut was telling him that this girl might be right for Pleasing. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Niall.” Harry plainly said and hung up the phone. Harry threw his phone on the couch, not wanting to even think about how drained he’ll be tomorrow as he went for his evening shower.

The next day dragged on, Harry keeping a big smile on his face for every new applicant that came through the door. There were a few possible hires, definitely, but with the final interview coming up, Harry felt the day wash over him as he waved goodbye to the one applicant they had just finished interviewing.

Their floor was pretty much empty now, just a few staff members hanging around and talking about their day. Harry needed a coffee to be able to finish strong, he didn’t want to leave Niall to do the final interview himself, even if all he wanted right now was to get a takeout and then get straight home. “Do you want anything?” Harry mumbled to Niall as he rose from his seat beside him, making an exit for the door of his office. There was still a few minutes remaining until the last applicant was supposed to be interviewed. Niall didn’t look up as he just said, “No thanks, mate.” And continued reading through the next applicant’s personal letter and information.

Harry walked out into the hall, hearing cheerful laughter down by the offices as he made his way through. His eyes zeroed in on the end of the hallway, the coffee machine calling out his name. “Hi, Sorry, can I just ask you something?” A sweet, nervous sounding voice came from behind him. Harry turned around and was met with what was probably the most stunning woman he had ever laid his eyes on. His breath caught in his throat, cheeks already flushing just by looking at her. She was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. Harry realized he had been quiet for a few seconds to long and kicked himself back into gear. “Of course, what can I help you with?” He got out, flashing his sweet smile at her. He got a chance to study her features, her outfit. Her full lips as she smiled, eyes bright and curious as she looked right at him. He felt like he had won the lottery, just by looking at her, his chest was on fire. She was wearing a fun, colourful outfit that was still business casual, a few cartoonish looking enamel pins on her blazer pocket. Creative she was. “I’m sorry to be a bother, I think the receptionist has already left. I have an interview for the senior creative position here and I’m just lost looking for Horan and Styles offices. Do you know where I can find them?” She smiled at him, a hopeful, kind look in her eyes as she awaited his answer. Harry immediately felt disappointment, if she was looking for work at Pleasing, he couldn’t even think about looking at her the way he was right now. Harry reached his hand out. “I’m the Styles you’re looking for, it’s nice to meet you…” He looked at her with a questioning look, not yet having heard her name. “Oh! This couldn’t be more perfect! It’s Y/N Y/L/N.” She bubbled with joy, reaching for his hand and shaking it. “It’s really good to meet you Y/N, you can call me Harry, everyone here does.” He smiled at her; he really couldn’t help it at this point.

“I was going to get some coffee before our meeting, we still have…13 minutes. Do you want anything?” Harry continued, looking down at his wristwatch to catch the time. Her shoulders slumped in relief, maybe partly relaxing because of his kind demeanour and kind offering. “I-yes, coffee sounds like it’s exactly what I need right now. Thank you, Harry.” She said lightly, with a giggle in her voice. Harry doesn’t think he’s ever heard such a beautiful sound in all his life, and she had managed to worm her way into his heart and make an impression bigger than the other 5 applicants had made combined. They walked together to the coffee machine, small talking about visions and dreams for the company and why she sent in her resume to work for them. And Harry, Harry was in trouble.

---

Harry was light on his feet as he stepped into the lift at Pleasing HQ this morning, because he was in love. His whole life had transformed in just a matter of months, no longer feeling the lonely, bitter thoughts taking over him at night. He was in his own world of pink rose petals falling from the sky, rosy cheeks and laughter echoing in his head. He felt like he way going crazy, and maybe he was. Y/N had obviously gotten the position as a senior creative. After she left her interview, Harry was just obsessed with her. With what she saw for the company’s future, her laugh and kindness, her witty humour.

Y/N had been working for pleasing now for the last three months, taking it all in stride and charming the whole office with her tactics and energy; Harry had never seen anyone so passionate about their job, so caring about the people around her. She was the perfect puzzle piece.

There was just one issue.

Y/N had no idea about any of this. Or, maybe she could’ve guessed. Niall had to tell him how obviously in love he was with her, and that he had to get his ducks in a line or there would be issues. Dating a co-worker, especially as a boss was frowned upon, however not forbidden.

Harry just couldn’t stop thinking about her, ever. And they were friends, really good friends. Having lunch together, always getting stuck in conversation at their after-work gatherings, and Harry always did an extra round by the offices in the afternoon just to have an excuse to talk to her. Maybe she saw right through him, but he’s not sure he minded it. He was desperate to be a part of her world at this point, just to have a little piece of her, even if he couldn’t have her in the way he so desperately craved. This was going to have to be enough. It was like Harry had accepted his fate of this unrequited love, but he couldn’t really complain as long as she was still in his life. He didn’t feel sad about it anymore, it wasn’t that heartache he had felt previously, he had accepted that he had found his person, but that he was never going to have her. It was alright, he decided.

Y/N was doing a big pitch today, her first one. She had ben scrambling around for the first three months trying to learn everything about the company, the values, the staff and the consumers to really get an idea of what they were wanting to put out. She had worked hard, stayed some late nights to finish a mood-board or sketch a new design for something.

And Y/N was excited. Nervous for sure, but mostly excited to show everyone her interpretation of what Pleasing could become.

Harry spotted her in their conference room as he entered the floor. A smile on his lips immediately after seeing her setting up some snacks for everyone and trying to get the projector to work. He knocked on the slightly open door. “Morning, there! You need help with anything before we kick off?” Harry offered as he leaned against the doorframe. Y/N hastily turned around from the table she was standing on, trying to fix the cord to the projector that was not doing it’s best work today. She jumped down, straightening out her clothes and sighed. “I think most of it is all set, I just can’t seem to pull down the screen for the projector though, and you seem like a tall enough lad.” Y/N jokingly said to him, eyes scrunching and her little crow’s feet by her eyes showing. Harry loved every detail of her. “Course, love.” Harry replied as he walked over to the front of the room and pulled down the screen, easy as pie. “Thank you, H.” She said, now focused on her laptop screen, and fingers picking nervously at her lips. “You’re going to do incredible; I know it. Don’t have to be nervous, it’s just the staff and you know all of them.” Harry said, catching her nervousness as he’d known her for years. “Hm? Oh, yeah, I’m a little nervous, but everyone here is so nice, I have trouble believing I’ll be roasted by any of you.” She answered. He noticed that she never replied to his compliment about her being incredible. Sweet girl, Harry thought, she’s too nice and too sceptical of her own ability, she’s absolutely incredible at what she’s doing. Just as he was about to repeat himself, affirming his trust in her, the other staff started to trickle into the room. Harry hadn’t even put away his coat since he got here, he just went straight to Y/N. “Oh shit, give me a minute, yeah? I’m just going to put away my things, I’ll be right back.” Harry excused himself from the room, but not before hearing, “Hurry up, bossman, you’ve got to minutes to business-time!” Y/N shouted after him, earning a giggle from the people in the room. Harry just smiled to himself as he shook his head in adoration before walking over to his office.

She did so good. Of course she did. She had nothing to be nervous about, and she charmed the whole office with her visions and imagination of future products. She had put fourth an idea about more homegoods, candles, pyjamas and blankets. She had even went so far as to research materials, resellers for those materials and always making sure to stay true to the company’s values according to fair trade and labour rights. Her presentation was also funny, It barely felt like a meeting, she was just so naturally comedic, and Harry absolutely adored her. He sat way in the back, leaning back on his chair and twiddled with his shirtsleeve, looking like a lovesick puppy. Her every move and her every word entrancing him and pulling him deeper and deeper into her trenches. Although, he’d happily go down.

Just as Y/N finished, everyone cheered and clapped for her, everyone was proper impressed by her ideas and research, and couldn’t wait to get started with things. Harry stayed in the back, listening to everyone talk and share their ideas, budgets, raw material ideas and colourswatches. Harry was so proud of her. Everyone slowly left the room, congratulating Y/N on her impressive work, giving her hugs and encouraging words. Harry was the last one there. He was wearing a big, dimply smile as he walked up to her. “You have no idea what you just started, did you hear everyone? You’re fucking amazing, Y/N I don’t even know what to say. I’m so, so impressed.” Harry said, the smile never leaving his lips. If he didn’t know better he’d congratulate her with all the kisses she’d want. Y/N was blushing, her cheeks turning rosy as she looked up at him. “Thank you, Harry. I’m so relieved everyone liked it and that you’ve been here to support me, I really couldn’t have done any of this if you weren’t there so I could ask all those stupid questions.” She replied, humble as always. Harry got stuck in her eyes, just nodding to her. “Celebratory lunch? On me?” Harry followed up with, the blush never leaving her cheeks. “I’d like that.”

---

Another 4 months had passed, and Harry fell just fell deeper and deeper into the sticky sweet lovecloud he was constantly in. It was dreary and dark out, the middle of November as Harry made his way into the office, preparing for their regular staff meeting, when he noticed Y/N was nowhere to be found. A pang of worry beat through his chest. Had she called in sick? Maybe she got in an accident on the way here? Harry felt his heart beating out of his chest in worry for his favourite girl; and just like that his phone went off. It was her.

He’s never answered his phone so quickly in his life. “Hey, there, I was beginning to wonder where you were.” Harry said immediately with a smile teasing on his lips, waiting to hear her voice. The line was quiet on the other end, he could hear her breathing and some rustling of something in the background. “Love? You there? Are you alright?” He said, softening his voice for her, the worry back in his chest as he stepped aside from a few other co workers and into his office, closing the door. “Harry…I’m sorry to call so late in the workday, I-i just don’t know what to do, i-.” He heard her crying over the phone, clearly upset, her breathing irregular and voice shaky. “Shhh, it’s okay love, take a deep breath for me, yeah? Tell me what’s happening, are you alright?” Harry was pacing in his office, wanting to demand her to tell her what was wrong, but he kept his voice gentle for her. He felt his pocket for his car keys in case he had to come get her. He would do anything. “It’s my dad, my dad has- he passed away in the night, and th-they don’t know what happened, I just I ca-can’t come in today so, so I was just…can I-I work from home today, is that o-okay?” Harry’s chest was aching as he listened to her tearful voice. Silly girl, working from home when something like this happened. He couldn’t allow it, and all he could think about was seeing her, wrapping her up in his arms to shield her from the pain she was experiencing. “Listen to me, Y/N, everything is going to be alright. I’m so sorry about your loss, I am so, so sorry. You’re not working today, or tomorrow, you’re going to take the week off and go see your family, do you understand?” He tried to be as gentle and clear as possible so her foggy brain could understand his words. “Do you have someone there with you?” Harry continued, biting his nails in worry for the sweet girl he had fallen so hard for. Harry already knew her answer, her family lived a plane ride away and she was pretty new in London, not yet having made a steady base of friends to look after her. She didn’t protest when he said she wasn’t going to work this week. “No-no. I’ve already booked a flight home, but it isn’t until the weeken-nd.” She stuttered through her tears. “Can I come see you? I just want to make sure you’re alright.” He said immediately, taking any chance he could to care for her. “It’s, it’s okay, Harry. You’re busy, and i-I’m a mess anyways. Thank you for l-letting me out of work tho-though, I’ll make it up to y-you.” She said, but he knew her better than this by now. He knew she’d never ask for help, even if it was from a friend, and just the fact that she called him instead of her closest boss, or Niall for that matter, made his cheeks warm, they were friends first, he decided then.

“Don’t worry a second about work right now, I’m never too busy for you, you know that. I’m going to excuse myself from the meeting and I’ll be at yours in 30 minutes, alright?” He said gently, her heavy breathing on the other side. “It’s going to be okay, doll, I’ve got you.” Harry continued as he grabbed his coat from the hanger and fished his keys out of his pocket, not letting go of his phone for a single second. “Thank you, H.” She just said, as they hung up and Harry was sprinting through the office building to get to the meeting he was supposed to attend minutes ago. He peeked his head through the glass door. “Sorry everyone, Niall can I borrow you for just a second? Important.” Their staff was all very kind and gentle people, Niall excused himself as small talk was rolling around in the meeting area. The staff not wanting to intrude on their conversation. “Y/N’s father has passed away, and she needs a friend right now, she’s all alone and her family lives a plane ride away. I just got a call from her, and she needs someone, will you be handling the meetings for today?” Harry said as he buttoned his coat up, barely looking at Niall, cause all he could think about was her, her, her. Niall put on a knowing smile, but not without feeling his chest tighten for one of his favourite colleagues. “Of course, mate, that’s so shit to hear. Be gentle with her and give her a hug from all of us, yeah?” Niall said, looking for eye contact with Harry. They weren’t a super big company, they were around 20 people and everyone knew each other well, including Y/N. Niall thought he’d tell them she wouldn’t be in for the rest of the week. “I will be, good luck, I’ll phone you tonight.” Harry said, already halfway to the lift as he harshly pressed the buttons in attempt to get a move on, faster. Niall gave harry a smile and nodded. He had to know exactly what Harry was feeling, he was a shit liar and could see right through him.

Harry sped off to Y/N’s apartment, making no stops and pushing the gas a little extra to get to her as fast as he could. He almost ran up the flight of stairs to her apartment, out of breath as he knocked on her door.

And there she was. Still the most beautiful person he’d ever known, despite the tears staining her face, her messy hair and pyjamas still on. It was like another wave of tears hit her the minute she saw Harry, it was like now that he was here, she was going to be okay. “Hey, doll, I’m so sorry.” Harry said as Y/N crashed into his arms, her body heavy and limp from the crying, panic and absolute bottomless darkness she found herself in. Harry had shivers running down his back, just being able to hold her like this, comfort her. His arms wrapped around her, his cheek pressing to the top of her head as he breathed her in and continued whispering affirming words to her. Without letting go of her, Harry stepped them inside her apartment, closing the door behind him with his foot. “Shhh, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, love.” He continued, pulling her head out of his chest and tear stained shirt, his thumbs drying her cheeks and looking her in her eyes. “I know it’s difficult right now, but I’m here to help, alright? C’mon, let’s get you settled, yeah?” He continued. She couldn’t have possibly missed his loving gazes and soft language. She couldn’t have possibly missed how he without any doubt took her into his chest to calm her down. She couldn’t have possibly missed how Harry’s heart was beating out of his chest when he held her so close.

Harry took her into her lounge, witnessing a mess of tissues, her open laptop and a now ice-cold cup of tea on the table. Y/N was still burrowed in Harry’s chest, searching for any kind of comfort she could find. In this moment, she didn’t care that he was her boss, that he had hired her months before to be an addition to his very successful team of workers. She knew it was a strange situation to be in, and to be such good friends with your boss, but with her being so new to the London, sha wanted to grab and hold onto the people she had. And Harry was a very special friend to Y/N, she really liked him as a friend, but it was difficult to not harbour feelings for the man, affectionate, kind and clever as he is. She tried her best to keep things as casual as possible between them, but she was stumbling in the dark right now, looking for whatever lifeline she could grab, and Harry showed up. Of course he did.

Harry settled her down in the lounge, now on a mission to do whatever he could to make her feel at least a little bit better. He wanted nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, stroke her wild hair and paint soft circles on her skin with his fingers but he had to draw a line. He couldn’t use this situation to his advantage, this wasn’t about him and his feelings.

Harry knew her well by know, she couldn’t function in a messy environment, so he took the first step, that was deemed appropriate enough, and started cleaning up and cozying up her lounge area. He removed all the tissues, wiped down her table and made her a new steaming hot cup of tea. He lit a candle, and put on some soft, but not too sad music for her in the background. She protested, of course, not wanting to bother him, it was almost embarrassing that he had to take care of her in this way; but for Harry it was an act of pure love. Of course he would do absolutely everything and anything for her, even if it was picking up her snotty tissues.

As he finished, he settled down on the other side of her sofa where she was laid down. Her crying had settled, she didn’t have a single tear left in her eye. At this point he was just staring at the candle in front of her, trying to focus her energy on something else other than the trainwreck that was her current situation. Harry sighed as he looked over at her. “Thank you for being here, Harry.” Y/N mumbled quietly, not letting her eyes drift away from the flame. “You don’t have to thank me; you know I’d do anything for you.” Harry answered her, his warm hand coming to give her a comforting squeeze around her ankle. She just nodded.

There they sat, Harry’s hand still on her ankle, at loss for action or words. “Is there anything I can do, at all, to help you? I know it’s a stupid question, I know there’s physically nothing I can do to make this any better, but if there is anything, please let me help.” Harry said into the still air of the room. A few more tears welled up in her eyes; he was so kind to her. “C-can I have a hug? I know it’s not proper but I coul-” Y/N said quietly, almost ashamed to be asking such a thing from him, but she really needed him right now. Harry let a puff of air escape his lungs, almost relieved at her words as sat up slightly and opened his arms for her. “C’mere, sweet girl.” Harry let the words slip from his mouth so easily, he couldn’t help but call her those sweet names when she was like this. And Harry often did call her those names, she didn’t seem to mind.

Without another word she turned over on the sofa, crawling her way up into his arms, and letting his scent embrace her and calm her down. His warm chest and comforting strokes to her back. Harry was trying hard to keep his cool with her so close to him, and tried to emit calmness in hopes that she could feel it too. And it wasn’t just a hug, it was more of a cuddle. But in that moment, they both needed it more than anything else.

---

After that day at her apartment, Harry and Y/N had become even closer. Y/N had gone to see her family for the weekend, and Harry had assured her that she could stay longer if she needed to. She was slowly coming out of her hazy mind, thinking more clearly, but she was still barely functioning. Grief is hard. It’s cruel, dark and endless. Y/N’s mind was constantly racing between the final time she saw her dad, their memories, and all the things she had to do that was piling up over the week. Harry was checking in on her constantly, texting, calling, showing up with dinner or helping her with the most simple tasks, that felt huge and impossible in her state of mind.

Y/N was going back to work tomorrow, and although she dreaded the pitying looks and comforting hugs, although she really wanted to get back to her life. Not to forget what had happened with her father, but more to kickstart herself, she knew she didn’t want to lose herself in this grief, so she had to at least try and do something about it.

Harry was taking up a big chunk of her mind as well. As if she wasn’t falling for him before all this, she was now hopelessly lovesick over someone she couldn’t have. She didn’t want it to turn out this way, and she had thought about all possible scenarios for them to maybe, just maybe have a chance together, but was constantly reminded of the one thing that made her heart ache more than anything – he probably didn’t want her. He was just the best human alive, supporting and cheering for his friends, she knew he was like this with all of his friends, he couldn’t possibly not be. She shouldn’t mistake his kindness and generosity for being in love with her.

---

Harry felt like he was going to explode at any given time. They had spent so much time together in the last few weeks, and now that she was coming back to work, full time, he wasn’t sure if he could handle just seeing her without giving her a good cuddle or asking how she’s doing. He knows that as a boss, this is the last thing he should be doing and thinking about, but Harry had never felt like this. It had been months of torture not having her the way he wanted, and he felt completely blinded by the love he felt. Even so far as considering leaving pleasing to Niall just so he could maybe be with her. That was an insane thought though, he was still pretty sure that Y/N didn’t even reciprocate those feelings for him, and he was weighing his options of telling her what he felt or if he was going to take it to his grave. He didn’t want to risk her career, and if they actually got together, he wasn’t sure how the company would take it. HR would hate it, even though it wasn’t forbidden to date a coworker.

This was what his mind was racing on and on about, and he felt like he was going to accidentally expose himself soon if he didn’t say anything.

He had to talk to Niall. He was his best friend, his COO. Harry knew that he was blinded by the love he had inside of him, he needed someone with a clear mind.

“Niall, I need you here for a short meeting, it’s personal though so don’t bring anyone with you.” Harry texted Niall after lunch that day. He wasn’t functioning properly, he felt incapacitated from all of this love that he had nowhere to put, and it was time to come clean to someone, although Niall already knew some of the feelings he was harbouring for Y/N.

Not even 2 minutes later, Niall popped into Harry’s office, closing and locking the door. His office at leas had some frosted glass, so they wouldn’t be totally exposed. “What can I do for you, lad?” Niall said as he sat down across from where Harry was sitting, at his desk. Harry looked deep in thought, his arm leaning on the armrest of his chair, chin supported by his hand. He didn’t even know how to say it, but he could feel a word vomit coming up his throat as the silence grew bigger. “I don’t know what to do, Niall.” Harry said, eyes glazing over as the iceberg finally tipped over, and everything came to the surface. Niall instantly looked worried about his friend, not yet knowing where he was going with all of this. Niall leaned forward in his seat, eyes on Harry as he watched him rub his eyes to rid them from tears coming through.

“I’m so in love with her and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t do anything without thinking of her, I feel totally incapacitated. But I know that if I tell her this, her career could be at risk. I want to let her know, I need to, but it could go wrong in so many ways. She probably doesn’t even feel the same way I do, and I don’t think I could live with that. I’d rather not tell her and keep her in my life for as long as I can…And I know it sounds dramatic, but I’m desperate at this point, Niall, It’s been seven months and I-“ Harry trailed off as he rubbed his eye once again, refusing to let another tear fall for this girl. He was rambling, almost incoherent at times, but Niall listened to him.

Niall knew, he knew without Harry even mentioning her name. It was obvious that they were both in love with each other. The whole office basically knew, except for Harry and Y/N. And for this, Niall wanted to almost laugh at this immensely dense friend of his, but he kept it to himself, aware that this was probably paining Harry more than he knew.

“Harry, I’m going to tell this to you straight and you need to listen to me.” Niall said, no readable look on his face. Harry readied himself for a proper metaphorical fist to the face. He knew this wasn’t right, he was her boss for chirst’s sake. Niall continued. “I think the whole office knows that you’re both in love with each other except for you two. And I need you to get your house in order because I can’t watch this anymore. You’re going to tell her, and you’re doing it tonight. Y/N just left for her half-day and I suggest you call her up right now and see her tonight.” Harry is just staring blankly at Niall, not completely sure that he heard him right. He just starts nodding. And then the tears come. It was relief in some way, and although he still wasn’t sure about her response if he told her, there was still something there for them to build on. “Niall, I-. What if it all goes wrong, I’m her fucking boss, what do I do if she becomes uncomfortable at her own workplace, she’s a genius, I’m going to have to be the one that leaves.” Harry stuttered. “You’re not going to spend a single second thinking about that just yet, because it might not even happen. In fact, I don’t think it will. You know, she’s talking about you all the time. And she has these disgusting puppy eyes every time you just walk past or even glance at her direction. This needs to end. Call her.” Niall continued, supporting his friend. Niall really did think they were endgame, he could already see it when she had her interview here, all those months ago. Harry nodded. And in a moment of bravery, he got out his phone and pressed her contact information.

Y/N’s heart grew when she saw Harry’s contact on her phone. She didn’t waste a second picking up. “Hey, there bossman, everything alright?” She chirped on the other end of the line. Harry’s heart was beating out of his chest. “Y/N.” He just said, as her blood ran cold. She felt like she was in trouble. Had she forgotten something important? Did she do something to offend him? Y/N was thinking at a million miles per hour, every thought she had ever had about Harry was coursing through her brain at the same time. Harry continued. “I was just wondering if I could come see you later, I have something I need to speak to you about.” Harry said, trying his best not to let his emotions spill into his speech. “Harry? Are you alright? I’m free now, do you want me to come back to the office? I just left.” Y/N said. She could tell this wasn’t the regular hang out or check in like in the past two weeks. “I’m alright, love. And don’t turn around. Can I pick you up at 6 and we could go to mine?” Harry said, looking at Niall who was still sitting across from him, nodding and giving him a thumbs up like a child doing a prank call. Harry’s nicknaming made her slightly calmer, maybe he just had a stressful day. Although, he’d never offered her to come to his, if they were hanging out they were always at hers. “Of course, that sounds good. I’ll be outside by 6, then?” Y/N replied. “Yeah. I’ll see you later, okay?”. Harry said and then hung up the phone.

---

Harry’s hands were shaking on the steering wheel of his range rover. When he had gotten home from his office he stormed around his penthouse, cleaning up any mess that he could detect. He made sure he had something to serve her, and some snacks in case they wanted some. Every thought he had about telling her, he tried to steer away. Instead he cleaned up, took a shower, did some nervous pacing around, and now finally, he was behind the wheel, minutes from Y/N’s apartment. It was all or nothing, now. And he thought about every likely outcome for what was about to happen, he just couldn’t stop stressing out about it.

He didn’t want to mess this up. That thirst, longing, yearning feeling for connection had immediately been quenched the minute he met her. The person he had been waiting for. And maybe, if it didn’t turn out the way he was hoping, all those dreams of a love so deep maybe wasn’t meant for him. And maybe it would be okay if that was the outcome. Harry wasn’t sure he wanted anyone else but her.

Y/N was stood outside her apartment complex as harry drove up. She looked heart-stoppingly beautiful, like she always did. She had been getting a little better sleep and routines for the past few days, which had been nice to see for Harry. He was such a worry wart when it came to her.

Y/N enthusiastically threw the door open to his car, stepping in as if it was nothing.

“Hi, doll.” Harry said sweetly. “Hi, H.” She replied. “So, what’s this mystery topic you can’t talk about over the phone, huh? Top secret business?” Y/N continued, wiggling her eyebrows in suspense. A smile crept on Harry’s face for maybe the first time today. “I’ll tell you when we get to mine, yeah? You might be surprised, who knows?”

Y/N stepped out of the elevator that led directly into Harry’s penthouse. Her chin was on the floor, she didn’t realize he lived somewhere like THIS. She was almost ashamed of the fact that he had ever hung out in her neighbourhood. She was absolutely well paid as a senior creative at Pleasing, but this was a whole other level. “Sit down, cuppa tea?” Harry led her to his lounge, overlooking the city skyline. “Mhm, yes please.” She said, instead going over to the windows rather than sitting down. Harry disappeared for a second and she could hear him put the kettle on. You could see the office from his window, just barely.

Y/N zoned out in some kind of philosophical thought, looking at the skyline, thinking about her current life. But at the forefront of her mind, she was always thinking about Harry. And now she was at his place.

“Cuppa tea, for you, love.” Harry mentioned, putting their two mugs down on a table by the sofas. Y/N stood still, looking at all the lights as she could feel Harry’s presence behind her. She felt his eyes looking at her, and she craned her neck to take a good look at him. Y/N is thinking that he is getting more beautiful by the day. His defined features lit up by the twinkling lights of the city, and his perfectly unperfect chestnut brown curls, framing his face in the most delicious looking way. A pang of adoration fought it’s way into her chest, but she couldn’t let him know.

“Y/N, I really need to tell you something. And before you say anything I really need you to listen to me and let me explain. Can you come sit down?” Y/N was shaken out of her daydream with his serious words. Y/N could just nod, plopping down on the sofa, facing him as he tried to relax against the back of the sofa. Y/N did her best to put on a calm and settled look, smiling at him when she could tell that he was getting nervous. This was going to be way worse than she was expecting, she’s sure now.

“I don’t even know how to say this.” Harry started. It took everything in Y/N’s body to stay still and not question those words from him, he had told her to just listen at first. Her thoughts were racing, as she stared at him, waiting for more words to come out of his mouth. He doubted his voice, trying to get words out and then it was like he was changing his mind. Over and over again. Y/N reached for his hand that was resting on his thigh, fingers lacing together as she gave him a long, hard squeeze. Harry looked to their interlocked hands, carefully stroking her hand with his callous fingers. He gained courage enough to look straight at her. ”I’m in love with you. I have been since the day I first saw you.” The words left Harry’s mouth as he gauged her reaction to them in real time. Harry continued, “And I feel like an asshole, because I know I’m putting you in a tricky situation with me being selfish and telling you this. But I also want you to know that if you want nothing to do with me, or this situation, that’s okay. I-I just had to tell you, because I felt like I was going to drown If I didn’t.” Harry looked right into her eyes. “I was fucking drowning.” He said, almost like he was all out of air, or breathing oxygen for the first time. Y/N couldn’t believe a single word coming from his mouth. This had to be a prank, it couldn’t be. And if it is true, maybe she wouldn’t feel sad ever again. “Harry…” Y/N got out before he stopped her again, grabbing her same hand with his other one. “I’ve been realizing a lot of things lately, and one of them-.” Harry continued. Y/N could see the gears turning in his head, trying to get the right words out, but she couldn’t wait another second for her lips to collide with his. Her eyes glazed over as she realized that he wasn’t going to let her speak. So instead, she took control. “Harry!” She said loudly. Moving from her position on the sofa, towards him and settling herself in his lap. “Shhhh, I don’t want to hear another word about that, just tell me again.” Y/N said as she got closer to his face. Lips calling out to one another. Harry couldn’t breathe. Not with her this close, with her breath on his lips, her thighs hugging his, his hands around her back. It was Harry’s turn to get teary eyed. It just dawned on him what her answer to his speech would be. “Just tell me.” Y/N breathed against his lips. “Please.” She was almost begging to tell her those words again. Just to know if they were true. “I love you, I’m in love with you.” The words left his mouth like they had been sitting on his lips for his whole existence. Y/N let a watery smile overtake her features, and a chuckle left her mouth. “Thank god.” She whispered as she finally pressed her lips against his. His pink, puffy lips danced with hers as their tongues licked into each other’s mouths. It wasn’t like any first kiss; this was a long time coming. It was desperate, passionate and everything they had been craving. Their wet lips then collided in a smattering of pecks, one after the other being placed on their lovers’ lips. Wanting to do absolutely anything except speaking words right now. “I love you, H.” It was Y/N’s turn to speak, in between desperate kisses. Harry was seeing stars as she said those words loud, her nickname for him feeling like it’s burning a hole through his heart.

It was hard for Harry to be vulnerable. He only really was with his family, and Niall. He couldn’t even remember how it felt to have a possible partner to be vulnerable with. Someone he could pour his heart out to, someone who listened, and who vowed to take care of him. Y/N has stepped into his life and cracked open his whole being, it felt like he was on fire from top to toe from all the emotions and tenseness releasing. Y/N let go from his lips as she felt wetness smeared onto her cheeks. Harry was full on crying now. Y/N put her hands around his cheeks, drawing soft patterns on his cheeks with her thumbs, strategically removing the tears from his eyes. “I-I’m so happy, I promise, I ju-st…” Harry breathed, looking at her with wet, wild eyes, his face leaning into her hold. “I know, it’s alright. It’s been a long time coming, yeah?” Y/N chuckled out, in attempt to lift the moods. Harry nodded, smiling to her. His hands moved to her wrists, holding her in place. “I’m going to tell you everything I’ve been feeling these past few months, but the girl I love just told me she loves me too, so I just need to breathe for a second. Take a good look at her.” Harry joked, eyes still focused on Y/N’s face, his gaze bouncing all over her features, drinking her in. Y/N just nodded to him, her love for the man in front of her glowing in her chest. It had been a long, long time since she had felt like this.

This wasn’t at all what Y/N had in mind when he had called her earlier that day. She really had no idea that he was in love with her, she really had no idea that he felt the same way she had, especially in the last few weeks, with them becoming extra close since her father passed away.

Y/N agreed to stay over at Harry’s that night. She didn’t bring a single thing with her to prepare her for an overnight stay, but Harry had convinced her that he had everything that she would need. And she really didn’t want to let him go, not when their night had turned out like this, maybe she would just stay here, always.

They had barely stopped touching since the moment he told her. Always at least one hand on one another; they had a lot of time to make up for.

As they settled in his bed for the night, it was still early, barely 10. They had changed into soft, comfortable clothing, and Y/N got to borrow a set from him. There they laid, Harry was behind her, strong arms wrapped around her frame, fingers lightly touching and playing. Harry breathed in her scent, burrowing his face into her neck and soft, lavender scented hair.

They talked for hours, pouring their hearts out about the past months that they had known each other. But the tears had since long left their eyes, they had each other now, and there was not a single broken heart in sight.

“I still feel like this is all in my head. Like I’m going to wake up from this dream and I’ll be as fucking lonely and sad as I always am.” Harry said into her neck, placing a light kiss after he finished his sentence. “I know. But it isn’t a dream, although my mind is definitely trying to tell me otherwise.” She replied to him. Her eyes focused on the lights from the city dancing on the walls. Suddenly Y/N turned around in his arms, so that they were facing eachother. “Hi.” She said. “Hi, sweet girl:” Harry’s reply came so easily, and he was finally able to say it whenever they wanted to. “I think we need to talk about work, what do we say to HR, do we even say anything? I know it’s all still so new, but I want you to know that I’m all in…if you want that as well.” Y/N continued, a worried look on her face. The thought was bothering Harry as well, but as things had turned out well for them, his positive mindset was telling him that it was going to be alright. And work, HR and people’s opinions was about the last thing he wanted to talk to her about. At least for tonight.

They talked for hours, kissed for hours. In this room, it was just them, Harry and Y/N. They had both been craving this for so long, Y/N had thought of him so much. How it would feel like to be loved by him, what it was like to feel his hands on her body, in her hair, on her cunt. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about it some nights when she was all by herself in her apartment, with her hands between her legs. Heavy breath lingering in the air as his name left her lips in a desperate call for him to do anything to her, anything he wanted. She had felt guilty about it, of course. But now that they were in his bed together, those illicit thoughts were starting to creep back into her head. Now that he was touching all over her, she wanted more.

Her lips reached for his neck, leaving wet kisses and small bites around his soft spot, as Harry’s breathing got a little heavier. “Love, what are you up to, hm?” He said in the gentlest voice, knowing where this was going as her kisses had suddenly changed from pure and loving, to slightly more sexual. “Tell me what you need, pet. I’ll give you anything, do you know that?” Harry continued, as he brought his lips to hers. Y/N almost mewled out a reply, mind fuzzy from his scent and sweet talking. “I need you, everywhere. Please. Just do anything, I’m yours.” Her eyes closing as Harry placed kisses all over her face, nose, cheeks and corners of her mouth. “You’re mine now, huh? I love to hear those words from you, you have no idea. But I need you to tell me what to do pet, what do you want?” He tried again, wanting to make sure that she knew what she was asking for, and wasn’t just caught up in her hazy mind. “I need you to touch me, k-kiss me, I just want you, H.” Y/N said desperately, in an almost whisper. Harry chuckled at the sweet girl in front of him. Of course he was going to take care of her. “Alright, love I’ve got you, yeah? But I need you to tell me if there’s something you need or if you want me to stop, do you understand?” Harry spoke clearly to her now, looking into her eyes to make sure that his message got through. “Yes. Yes, H, I want you.” She got out, her hands now underneath his t-shirt, nails scraping against his stomach. Harry’s hands touched her all over, keeping her close to his body, his hands travelled south and dipped into the waistband of her borrowed sweatpants. He stroked her soft skin over the thighs, bum and finally stopped on the outside of her underwear. Their mouths connected, and Harry was trying to stay focused on her pleasure, on the ques and clues she was leaving him with her touches and the way she moved. “Please, H” She moaned out, so zeroed in o finally getting a little taste of him on her tongue. “Shhh, pet, you’ll get all of me, don’t worry.” He tried to reassure her as his hand grazed over her underwear, laying soft and gentle strokes over her underwear, right on her clit. He moved devilishly slow, and Y/N was aching for more, higher pleasure from him. A moan slipped from Y/N’s lips and it was like all of the blood in Harry’s body rushed to his cock, almost making him lightheaded. Harry’s fingers that were moving on the outside of her underwear was now moving said underwear out of the way, being able to fully feel how wet she had become just from a few touches. Y/N had started to tug on his t-shirt. “Off, I want it off” she said to him in the dimly lit room, wanting to see all of him. Harry chuckled at the silly, sweet girl in his bed and removed himself from her, pulling his shirt over his head aswell as removing his sweats, just in his underwear mow. His next mission was to get Y/N out of her kit. He tugged on her t-shirt. “Is this alright? Wanna see you.” Harry whispered in her ear as his large hands were already underneath the t-shirt she was wearing, massaging her soft sides. Without a word from her, she sat up, and pulled it all off, discarding the t-shirt and her bra on the floor. “You’re so fucking beautiful, love.” Harry said, without tearing his gaze away from her breasts. His mouth instantly coming towards her belly and kissing up towards her boobs, wrapping his lips around one of her nipples, fingers tugging and rolling the other one. A moan ripping out of Harry’s chest the second he got a taste of her. “Shit, H, that feels…” Y/N moaned out, fingers running through Harry’s hair, slightly tugging on it. Harry continued kissing her chest, any skin he could to touch or kiss, he was there. Desperate to taste every inch of skin that she’d offer him.

Harry’s mouth started to travel down Y/N’s belly, teasing at the waistband with his green eyes looking into her’s for permission to remove them. Y/N slightly lifted her hips to make it easier for him, and her underwear and sweats were on the floor in barely a second, his body falling in between her legs, as he continued to kiss anywhere he could get to. “Are you going to let me have a taste, pet? Yeah?” He said to her, eyes still looking into hers. Another “please” fell from her lips, eager to get him on her. “Hmm, so kind to me, yeah? I’ll show you my worth, I promise you.” Harry said with a gentle tone, leaving her even more needy and ready for him to do something; anything. His lips finally met with her wet cunt, licking broad, strong swipes over her entrance and clit. Harry moaned at the taste of her, his eyes falling shut; he’d been dreaming about tasting her like this, but this was way better than anything he could’ve imagined. Y/N was writhing in her place on the mattress, her hips chasing after his tongue and heavy moans escaping her throat as he continued to kiss, lick and poke at her with his tongue. “You’re so goo-d, Harry, fuck! You’re mine, please,” Her moans encouraged him and simultaneously made his cock even harder, if that was even possible. Harry’s arms came up, one arm over her hips to slightly still her, and one over her breast, teasing her nipple. “I’m yours, don’t worry pet.” He replied to her, letting go of her messy, wet cunt for just a second before diving back in. Y/N’s hand flew to his hair, searching for anything to hold on to in her intense amount of pleasure. “Please, I’m going to come, you’re gonna make me com-e, please” Y/N was moaning out, almost screaming at this point, to deep into her pleasure to realise how loud she as being. Harry didn’t mind it at all. The hand that was previously on her breast moved down to her cunt, a finger playing at her entrance before pushing two of them inside her, slightly curving his fingers as he could feel her clenching around them. Y/N could almost black out at this point. She could barely remember the last time someone else had made her come this hard, it wasn’t usually happening at all with her previous partners. Her breathing started to get heavier as she came closer to her climax. “Come for me, pet, let me taste what I’ve worked so hard for. Look at me.” Harry let out, having to rut his hips into the mattress to get some kind of relief, he felt like he could come just by looking at her in this immense state of pleasure. With her eyes locked to his, she came, orgasm ripping through her body, legs trembling as Harry worked her through her orgasm with his mouth and fingers. When she slowly started to come down, Harry’s touches became lighter and more gentle, not wanting to overwhelm her after such an intense orgasm. As Harry’s lips let go of her, he moved to crash down on top of her, kissing her puffy, swollen lips. He had already missed her mouth. “I think I’m going to have to keep you forever, if that’s how you’re going to make me come.” Y/N admitted with a smile, her flushed face close to his and lips lingering on each other. “Darling, you know I wouldn’t mind, I’m here for as long as you want me.” He said back. Now it was her hands that started to travel down to his boxers, slipping inside of his boxers and gently stroking over his cock. “Shit, doll, I’m not going to last if you put your hands and me and I’m planning on at least two more orgasms for you.” Harry shakily breathed against her lips. “Mmmh” Was Y/N’s only reply, instead ridding him of his underwear and mumbling. “Are you clean, please tell me you’re clean I just want to feel you. I have a Nexplanon.” She almost begged him, it felt like too much to just get out of bed in search of a condom. “I got tested after my last partner, I’m clean as well, do you trust me? I could go get a condom, it’s no trouble, pet.” He replied in between kisses.

“No condom, I want to feel all of you. Please?” Her wide eyes looked into his for any kind of regret about it. She trusted him, he had already proven himself to be loyal and trustworthy, and she couldn’t find a single reason not to believe him although Y/N religiously always wore a condom with new partners. “Of course, pet, give you everything, you can trust me. Always so good for me, yeah?” He said, loving her reaction to the words that came out of her mouth. He turned them around, so that he was on his back, with her on top. “I want you on top to start with, okay? You can go as fast or as slow as you’d like, pet, it’s up to you.” Her heart trembled as he encouraged her to feel good with his body, completely trusting her and wanting to go at her pace. Although, her face fell slightly as her confidence wore thin when she had been on top with previous partners. Harry could read her immediately. “Shhh, no frown on that beautiful face, just to start and then I’ll take over when you’re ready, yeah?” He said, sitting up so their naked, upper bodies were flush against each other. “C’mon, doll, take what you want.” He encouraged her as she lined him up and slowly sank down onto him. She was slightly worried about taking him, he was above average in comparison to others and she wasn’t a fan of the pain that it could bring. But as sank down and took all of him, and she had never felt such a spark of pure pleasure as he filled her up. “Fuck me, pet, you feel so good around me, never had anyone feel this good on my cock.” Harry praised her, as she started to slowly grind her hips for some friction. Harry held her close, arms clasped around her upper body for support, as he attached his lips to hers. They moaned into each others mouth as Harry’s encouragement made her more brave and she moved more freely, her hips desperate for more, more of him. She had never felt this good during sex. Y/N’s thighs were burning from the work out she was getting, her belly on fire from him, so deep inside of her. “You feel good, baby? You’re taking my cock so well, look at you.” Harry praised her. She could barely think straight, not even being able to form a single word as more moans escaped from her lips and spilled into his mouth. His lips went to her neck, leaving lovebites, kissing, sucking, not for a second thinking of any marks he was leaving, deciding that he liked it like that. “Harry…” Y/N let out a tired whimper of his name, feeling so close to another orgasm already, but her legs felt like jelly, and she was frustrated that she couldn’t keep up her pace to chase after her climax. “I’ve got you.” Harry replied, giving her a big smile as his hands came up to her sweaty face to get some hairs away from her eyes. He just wanted to see her properly. “Going to let me take care of you? Make you come, again?” Harry continued, a proud, cocky, smile on his lips. Y/N just about had time to nod as he pushed her onto her back onto the mattress, getting up after her and getting on top of her. “This is my favourite…” Harry said into her neck, proceeding to put both of her legs over his shoulder, Harry leaning over her. As he pushed himself back into her, Y/N could swear she was seeing stars, the angle made up for her almost lost orgasm as after just a few strong thrusts, she was barrelling towards her orgasm again. Her hand attempted to slip in between them, to rub her puffy clit, she could taste her orgasm, it was just right there. Harry had realised quickly pulling up her arm and replacing her hand with his. “You’re going to come for me, again, pet? Spoiling me, aren’t you?” Harry laughed, pressing and pinching her clit, as Y/N’s lips attached to his neck. His scent was grounding her as another orgasm rolled through her body, causing her to grip on to Harry hard, pressing herself against him as if he would vanish at any given moment. Y/N’s nails pressed into his biceps, his shoulder blades, earning a grunt from Harry. Every nerve ending in her body was exploding, wanting more him, needing him like water or air.

Harry’s pace didn’t falter, he worked her through her orgasm and continued. The pleasure was so overwhelming, but she didn’t want to stop, she wanted more. “Darling, look what you’re doing to me. Promised you another one though, didn’t i? I’m so close, pet, be gentle with me, alright? Harry stuttered softly to her, kissing her lips as he released her legs from his shoulders, pulling out of her. Wordlessly, he turned her to her side, placing a pillow under her head as he got in behind her and pulled Y/N’s leg up for him to enter her again. Y/N was lost for words, she was in some hazy dream state driven by her lust for him, and not thinking a single thought besides him. “There we go,” Harry whispered to her, his arm encasing her shoulders as his other hand find it’s way back to her clit, in hopes of luring her into another orgasm. Y/N sighed as he picked up his pace again, her head falling back on his shoulder as she let him manipulate her to wherever he wanted. She was almost pissed at this point; she had gone her whole life without having sex that was this could? She had no idea that this is what it could’ve been. And she’s also pissed at herself for missing out on so much time with him, when he had been in love with her this whole time.

“Pet, you’re going to make me come any moment, where do you want it?” Harry’s voice was strained, trying to keep his composure as he neared his end. Y/N could barely get her words out, already feeling her next orgasm growing from those words he said to her. “Inside, come inside me.” She manged to say into the air as she turned her head slightly to catch his lips.

Harry let out an otherworldly moan from that sentence. “So good to me, Y/N, i’m going to come, are you with me?” He grunted out, his thrusts quickening as did his hand on her clit. Y/N was sure she was going to black out by the time they were done, as she felt her orgasm triggered by Harry’s cock steadily poking her g-spot. Y/N just about screamed, hands clawing at Harry’s arms, writhing around in the bed, wanting to get closer to him and get away from him at the same time. She could feel Harry’s cock twitching inside of her and his cum filling her as his pace faltered, giving deep, hard thrusts into her. They were both moaning out, breathing laboured, as they had just ran a marathon. Y/N was now shivering in her post orgasmic state, Harry’s cock still inside of her as he had caught up to reality, placing soft kisses on her neck, jaw, and cheek.

“Did so good for me, you feel okay, pet? I’m honestly kind of pissed that we didn’t get to do this earlier, best I’ve ever had.” Harry mumbled, nose grazing her cheek. Y/N smiled, slowly coming back to reality; their minds had to be connected somehow. Y/N turned around in bed, now facing him on their sides as she clung on to him. Sweaty bodies embracing each other, heartrates still way too high to be healthy. “Mm-hmm.” Was all she could reply to him, as she closed her eyes, taking in his scent, a mixture of sweat, his cologne and pure man, peppery, citrusy. “I don’t even think I could form a proper sentence; you’ve absolutely wrecked me.” Y/N manged to get out, a teasing smile on her lips as their eyes made contact. “Yeah, I was kind of hoping I’d ruin everyone else for you, you’re mine now, huh?” Harry winked at her, an almost comedic tone to his voice, although Y/N could see the hopeful glint in his eyes as he had repeated those words back to her. He can’t fool her that easily. “I am yours. If you’ll be mine.” She said to him, watching a glowing smile spread over his face, a puff of air escaping his lungs, full of all the love he had for her. “I’m all yours, and I have been for a long time.”

#harry styles x reader #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #ceo harry styles #ceo!harry #ceorry #harry styles smut

[loveemagicpeace]

🪽Sunday Thoughts🪽

❤️Mars sign is how you act and mars in house is how you react.

💓Venus sign is how you look at love, what is important to you, how you feel. How you behave in love is house where is venus.

🪼We have two different types of pisces people and that is jupiter and neptune. Pisces who have Jupiter's energy will be more philosophical, have faith in something. Pisces who have Neptune's energy will be more dreamy and spiritual. We have two types of scorpio people and they are mars and pluto. Scorpios with Mars energy will be more impulsive, driven and fearless. Scorpios with Pluto energy will be more deep, mysterious, controlling.

🩵8th house synastry-it can also give you the feeling that you want to keep this person and the relationship you have with them to yourself. It's like you want it to be your secret. Not because you're embarrassed or anything, but you just want the relationship you have with this person to be private. Even when you fight in a relationship, you don't want to talk about it with others. You want to keep this person all to yourself. A lot of times you feel like you have some kind of deeper connection with that person and you can feel protective of them.

🍋Mars in 7th house-these people are many times self-sacrificing for others. You do a lot for other people and at the same time you can forget about yourself. People can quickly drain you of your energy. Because you try to do everything for others.

🩵Water moons have very good intuition and way of caring. They always know what you need, they sense your energy. All of a sudden they will hug you. They feel your energy and I love how deeply they understand you. They will always be here for you and always make sure you feel good. But they can often take things too emotionally.

🩶Earth moons- what I like about them is that they know how to stay calm and somehow process their emotions. You feel emotionally safe because they give you the feeling that they will always be here. But they have a hard time expressing them, so sometimes you can feel like they don't see you or don't give you what you need.

❤️‍🔥Fire moons- know how to look at every situation optimistically. They know how to put you in a good mood. They are not emotionally resentful, so you can feel that will never last long if they are angry. However, their feelings can often be selfish.

🩷Air moons- know how to accept your feelings and look at the other side of them. They will always somehow have a more logical response to them and will always want to talk about them. You always know you'll end up talking to them, no matter what. But they can overthink too much about their feelings. Or sometimes solve everything in some rational way.

🌃Your MC says a lot about how you feel in the audience, for example: birthdays, events. How you look and how others see you. Scorpio MC - you will always look mysterious, calm, intimidating. In reality, you're best off just watching people. You don't like people pointing you out or asking you anything. You don't like being exposed. Libra MC- you will always be the person who talks to everyone. You will always be kind to everyone and want them to feel good. You will act friendly to people.

🌠Taurus + Taurus -are a good combination in love. Both know how to appreciate each other and put a lot into love and making a person feel good. Both can do a lot for each other. They kind of have the same outlook and inspiration. They know how to show the love they have for each other. Both can be stubborn but stable.

🌙Cancer placements always have one person that they are always with on a party. They won't go to a party if they don't know someone will be there to hang out with. They always have favorite people too.

🦋Scorpios are always oscillating between life and death. Because they are also a sign of that. They represent depth and how deep we can go to discover the truth. I have a person in my life who, before she was born, her heart stopped during her mother's birth. She have scoprio sun, mercury& venus. It can be seen that the scorpion is exposed in her life but in a deeper way. But she has 6th house placements wants to help others (people who are helpless) and has a vulnerable feeling towards animals.

🧩Geminis easily approach people with whom they quarrel as if nothing had happened. They have a way of communicating when it's interesting and somehow they know how to use words and they know how to get someone to talk again.

🫧Taurus are persistent. When they want something, they will insist on getting it. They are a sign that rarely gives up because they have calm nerves and are patient. And they will really try when they want something.

☕️Capricorn rising- people become shy whenever they talk to you. Because you emit a power that gives others the feeling that they are somehow reserved with you. You can silence people with your presence.

🧸Your 1st house shows a part of your characteristics and appearance. The planets in this house show themselves in the way others see, notice and hear you. Neptune in 1st house- people will always find something dreamy about you or a part of you will always be in dreamy world. Jupiter in 1st house- your confidence will always be there and also you have natural luck. Pluto in 1st house- the strength you carry inside you is invincible. Never doubt in what you can become. Mercury in 1st house-your words have power and don’t let others silence you. Mars in 1st house- energy is eternal and you always have it with you. Sun in 1st house- your light can be stronger than others. Never doubt how you can shine. U have sun in you. Venus in 1st house- you have a charm that others immediately notice. You know how to love yourself. Moon in 1st house- listen to your intuition. Your emotions can always be there. Uranus in 1st house- you are unique always remember this. U are star in the sky. Saturn in 1st house- u are good enough. Don't be so hard on yourself, Saturn will reward you.

-Rebekah🩵🫧🪽

#astrology #energy #zodiac signs #planets #my notes #astrological houses #astrology observations #1st house #moon signs

[agentldiddy]

Another thing I love about HTP is how they develop the starting villains.

Now, we are introduced to this sabbat clan and they are all pretty one-dimensional. They are all generally just “crazy murderous vampires” and act as such in episode 1. The most personality they have can be gleaned from their fighting styles (shot beard just pummels everything, ape leaps and tackles at his enemies, Pyotr seems somewhat of a stealthy type, meanwhile Kevin takes a hostage and bends his opponent’s will).

By all means, Ogre Poppenang could’ve just left them like that, but they didn’t.

Shitbeard is a crass biker brute. He also recites many philosophical statements and viewpoints during episode 2, and seems to be jealous that the family have graduated college. He also constantly talks about how much he misses many of the mundane parts of life, such as existing in the sun and eating cream crackers. Additionally, he was turned while donating to charity.

Ape meanwhile is the newest member, not even being Blood Bonded to the others yet. He is also the most excited to be a part of the sabbat. He constantly is trying to say quotes that make him seem cool, help him fit in. He is massively cringeworthy—even in universe—but he is completely earnest. He reminds me of a young kid joining a fandom for a show or game they’re excited about.

Kevin is probably the most talked about member so ima keep it brief: his life was shit. He was raised to lead an ok but mind-numbingly uneventful life. He tried to strike it big, to give his life meaning, and failed horribly, leading him to continue his misery. And just as he’s about to swing his life around, he gets thrust into a world of darkness where he gains status but is enslaved in both body and mind. And once he gets tossed away by his new life, he joins the sabbat, because he feels like it’s the only real choice that would matter for him. That it’s the only one that he can make.

Then Pyotr. While everyone else has something hidden that makes them more endearing, Pyotr is shown to be much more VILE than we have thought. He is a coward who only comes out of hiding when he sees a weak or weakened target, and he is willing to backstab his teammates for any advantage without remorse. And when Kitten points this exact detail out, he gets absolutely PISSED that Kitten thinks he still cares about that (though with how pissed he got, I feel like there was at least some part of him that did regret, and his rant afterwards also serves to reassure himself that he’s a heartless vampire, banishing those feelings of regret and shame to the back of his mind. That’s just my headcanon though). When he diablerizes his teammates, however, he gets more careless. More risk-taking. More reckless. He uses his usual stealth approach less and less, going for more brutality. All of which leads to his death. Also, the reveal that he was a handsome man before his turn, probably turned BECAUSE of it, might factor into how he grew so wicked.

#hunter the parenting #htp #I love how this series can make you feel for characters named stuff like shitbeard

[cyanogoth]

A nonexistent human being. Or is he? (character analysis of Johan Liebert)

A few months ago I’ve read a book which was recommended by one of the Monster’s fans, - “The Divided Self” by Ronald David Laing. He suggested Laing’s work to everyone who’s confused about Johan’s mindset and motivations, just as I’m sure a lot of us were… It was a GREAT recommendation, so insightful that I wanted to share my thoughts and the interpretation I developed.

Any blockquote in this post is from “The Divided Self”, there will be too many to sign each of them, so just keep that in mind :)

It’s going to be a painfully long read, but hopefully a rewarding one too.

PART 1: DEFINITION OF ONTOLOGICAL INSECURITY, TRUE AND FALSE SELF

Firstly we need to get familiar with a few concepts from Laing’s work which will be important for understanding the rest of the essay. His book describes schizoids and schizophrenics, exploring the mechanisms behind their illness. But it is important to understand that he, although a psychiatrist, acknowledged mental illness primarily as an existential/philosophical problem rather than a purely medical one. He saw more value in understanding the patient's experience of the world rather than endlessly examining and manipulating their body. 

The first term we will need is ontological insecurity. Let's compare how Laing describes someone who is confident in his own reality - and someone who is not.

The individual, then, may experience his own being as real, alive, whole; as differentiated from the rest of the world in ordinary circumstances so clearly that his identity and autonomy are never in question; as a continuum in time; as having an inner consistency, substantiality, genuineness, and worth; as spatially coextensive with the body; and, usually, as having begun in or around birth and liable to extinction with death. He thus has a firm core of ontological security.

<...>

The individual in the ordinary circumstances of living may feel more unreal than real; in a literal sense, more dead than alive; precariously differentiated from the rest of the world, so that his identity and autonomy are always in question. <… > He may feel more insubstantial than substantial, and unable to assume that the stuff he is made of is genuine, good, valuable. And he may feel his self as partially divorced from his body.

If a position of primary ontological security has been reached, the ordinary circumstances of life do not afford a perpetual threat to one's own existence. If such a basis for living has not been reached, the ordinary circumstances of everyday life constitute a continual and deadly threat.

For an individual who’s unsure of his own existence, life becomes a constant struggle to preserve his self. All efforts are made to avoid engulfment, implosion, petrification. Fear of being absorbed is essentially fear of being understood, caught up, seen, loved, "grasped".

To be understood correctly is to be engulfed, to be enclosed, swallowed up, drowned, eaten up, smothered, stifled in or by another person's supposed all-embracing comprehension. It is lonely and painful to be always misunderstood, but there is at least from this point of view a measure of safety in isolation.

The way to deal with this fear is to take one’s true self out of the real world, completely out of reach of other people. A true self withdraws into the depths of the inner world, its connection with an individual’s body is interrupted. That which interacts with the "outside" world and controls actions, movements, words, facial expressions is the false self. A carefully falsified image designed to deflect the gaze of others.

…[he] never allows himself to 'be himself in the presence of anyone else. He avoids social anxiety by never really being with others. He never quite says what he means or means what he says. The part he plays is always not quite himself. He takes care to laugh when he thinks a joke is not funny, and look bored when he is amused. <…> No one, therefore, really knows him, or understands him. He can be himself in safety only in isolation, albeit with a sense of emptiness and unreality. With others, he plays an elaborate game of pretense and equivocation. His social self is felt to be false and futile. - Laing describing his patient

However, another fear, of petrification, or objectification, clashes with the previous one. Fear of being absorbed makes one flee from the gaze of others, but by hiding from it, an individual ceases to be perceived by anyone, which once again puts their substantiality into question. An individual is very much afraid of being perceived by others as an object, as something inanimate, as a machine, as an “it” without subjectivity. It’s as if any potential observer is Medusa, who can instantly turn an individual to stone with a mere gaze. This fear pushes a person to "existential suicide" - he pretends to be "dead", giving up his own autonomy before someone else can deaden him and treat him as an inanimate object. Also, as a way of protecting himself, an individual might turn everyone around him into stone too - because a phantom, hallucination, or an object couldn’t harm him, only real human beings are capable of such.

Fear of implosion is the same as fear of absorbing the real experience of life. An individual is empty, he is a vacuum - but this vacuum he begins to think of as himself. Any substantial relationship with the world and people threatens to "tear" him, so he avoids it, too.

Now let’s clarify what is false self, how it relates to the true one and the world.

If the individual delegates all transactions between himself and the other to a system within his being which is not 'him', then the world is experienced as unreal, and all that belongs to this system is felt to be false, futile, and meaningless.

Here’s an illustration from “The Divided Self” to better visualize what is meant here.

The reality of the world and of the self are mutually potentiated by the direct relationship between self and other. In Figure 2, there is a vicious circle.

the person who does not act in reality and only acts in phantasy becomes himself unreal.

The true self resides in an imaginary, devoid world of phantoms. It becomes unembodied, not represented in the real world. The real world, in return, loses its vitality in the eyes of a schizoid, viewed now as filled with objects.

The false self is a mask, a performance, an imaginary identity with little or nothing to do with the true self of the individual. Laing describes cases in which the false self starts to emerge in childhood and such children are described by their parents as remarkably obedient, compliant, undemanding. They conform perfectly to the expectations of the family and the environment. They begin to mockingly imitate what is desired of them. This is not necessarily an absurdly "good" image; it can also be absurdly evil, if that is what the world wishes the individual to be.

The point of having a false self is to not let any part of the true one slip to the real world, where an individual has no power over what will be done to it. To give something about him away is to rely on others mercy, and it’s a risk a schizoid can't afford.

in reality, in 'the objective element', nothing of 'him' shall exist, and no footprints or fingerprints of the 'self shall have been left.

Now to the interesting part - how all of that correlates to Johan.

PART 2: ROOTS OF JOHAN’S ONTOLOGICAL INSECURITY

Firstly, of course, dressing up as a sister. He probably could sense already that it’s done for a reason, not for the fun of it. The family led “a quiet life”, which is probably difficult to do with two kids. So, my suggestion: the twins grew up with the feeling that they have to hide from some sort of danger and avoid attention. But, Anna didn’t have to hide her real appearance, unlike Johan, for whom pretending to be someone else became an important part of remaining safe.

Did he conceal as someone else, or was he only an imposter for the real human that for sure is present in the world?

Because everyone, besides mother and sister, only knew the sister, the girl, the daughter. She was definitely real. Was he really ever there?

Even the mother couldn’t tell them apart. He became an illusory twin.

The moment their mother hesitated could only solidify Johan’s intrusive thoughts. She had someone in mind, could it be that she hesitated because at that exact moment couldn’t tell where the kid she’d given up?

Did he only stand a chance to live, physically and existentially, only if he concealed as someone else? Because if people could see him for what he truly was, he would not be saved.

My guess is that Johan's perception of himself was so distorted that he no longer thought of himself as the real thing; that the true self worth protecting wasn’t inside of him, it was his sister, and he was fake in his entirety. He was a mere pretender who had to ward off danger from the true self. Johan's saying "I am you, and you are me" and referring to Anna as "my other self" indirectly confirms my assumption - he began to see himself and his sister as an integrated system, where he is nothing more than a facade and his sister is the living, real, substantial, human one.

The mother's hesitance in choosing between the two children added fuel to Johan's already flimsy sense of his own substantiality. What if she was not choosing between the twins, but simply could not at that moment figure out which one was which? Keeping a particular child in mind, she just couldn't tell who was really the kid she was thinking of and who was posing as such? Where is the real child and where is the false one?

The feeling of insecurity, the loneliness, the pain of their mother's abandonment, the sympathy for this sister, and the enormous guilt that the real one of them two had fallen into clutches of monsters. The twins' whole life consisted of constant attempts of intruders to destroy their lives and identities.

The days after Anna’s return prior to being found on Czech-German border mark Johan’s existential death.

Something in him collapsed in that interval of time. When his mother was choosing between them, he was still a normal child (or, at least, nothing described in manga showed us his abnormality) - afraid of being abandoned by his mother, of being handed over to be torn apart by sinister strangers whose intentions were unknown, but from whom he’d been running for as long as he could remember. All these feelings died in him. When and how exactly, we don't know, but a completely different Johan crosses the Czech-German border - detached, horrifyingly tranquil, indifferent to death. In a sense, he no longer has anything to fear, the short chain of events has been so devastating that he unknowingly committed existential suicide. Even if it’s death that’s awaiting them, no one will be able to put their hands on them, no one will be able to twist their souls and minds.

Laing’s patients often described their inner world as a wasteland, devoid of any sign of life. There are quotes from his book in which Laing talks about his patient and cites his words:

The self becomes desiccated and dead. In his dream world James experienced himself as even more alone in a desolate world than in his waking existence, for example:

“.. . I was standing in the middle of a barren landscape. It was absolutely flat. There was no life in sight. The grass was hardly growing. My feet were stuck in mud… ”

“. .. . I was in a lonely place of rocks and sand. I had fled there from something; now I was trying to get back to somewhere but didn't know which way to go… “

Reminds us of something, doesn’t it?

And it’s a precise reflection of Johan's world, the real Johan, where his self ended up imprisoned. However, he was a little luckier than the other schizoids - there was room for one more person in his world.

Mentally, Johan never made it out of that wasteland, only his body was saved. He calls this landscape a scenery of the Doomsday, not only because his body was close to death in that very space, but because it so strongly resembled Johan's inner landscape. It was the last place his soul has seen.

PART 3: KINDERHEIM 511 AND THE LIEBERTS

One’s true self, residing in a world of phantoms, ceases to engage with the real world through the individual's body. What is this body occupied with meanwhile?

Instead of being the core of his true self, the body is felt as the core of a false self, which a detached, disembodied, 'inner', 'true' self looks on at with tenderness, amusement, or hatred as the case may be. <…> The unembodied self, as onlooker at all the body does, engages in nothing directly.

This offers an answer as to why Kinderheim didn’t have the same destructive impact on Johan as it had on other children. His true self was already out of reach, it couldn’t be obtained no matter what they did to him externally.

They could get nothing from him. "They could only beat me up but they could not do me any real harm." That is, any damage to his body could not really hurt him.

In a sad way, the experiments on Johan's psyche were not successful, for he himself, quite unknowingly, subjected himself to all the horrors to which the Kinderheim warders were about to subject him.

You cannot kill what is dead, drain what’s empty, objectify what’s inanimate. That's why they didn't make it.

But Johan, of course, is the result they strived for but couldn’t achieve: a human so terrified and defenseless that is pushed to abandon his sensitivity in order to survive.

Thus, to forgo one's autonomy becomes the means of secretly safeguarding it; to play possum, to feign death, becomes a means of preserving one's aliveness. To turn oneself into a stone becomes a way of not being turned into a stone by someone else.

It seems to me that Johan was ready to settle down and stop running after escaping Kinderheim 511. But he left the orphanage with a critically dangerous revelation - sometimes it’s either you, or everyone else; his actions clearly show that he won’t hesitate to obliterate everything and everyone if it ensures safety. I just don’t think he expected to find himself in a similar position so soon, when he was adopted by Lieberts.

The thing about him is that he played along, he became what the world wanted him to become, yet it wasn’t enough to finally be left alone. The man they ran away from showed up at their doorstep and Johan lost his temper. Nothing helped the twins to escape monsters - living under different names, with different caregivers, in different places, together, separated- NOTHING was ever enough.

Maybe it was around the time his plan to be the last one standing was formed. Wiping out every sparkle of life from the world was the last attempt to gain safety.

Johan doesn’t care much about dying because his existential death has already happened, he already feels a lot more dead and frozen than alive. He already convinced himself that there’s nothing true about him, and out of two of them his sister is the true self. It doesn’t matter if he dies, he was never there from the start. But even after the gunshot he hopes to live through his sister.

Everything that comes after that wretched rainy night is an attempt to secure himself and his sister from the world that was on their tail for as long as they lived. He is ready to be separated from her and let her live under a different name if that’s how the monster finally loses track of her; he’s ready to enter the underworld, to take control of the German economy, to kill people.

It seems to me, because of the confinement of his true self in the realm of insubstantiality, he became unable to perceive people from the real world as alive and autonomous, that’s the sad reason why he could kill so easily. What he saw around were ghosts, objects that were mimicking human beings, not actual humans.

But there were exceptions.

Only Anna and Tenma are shown together with Johan in the wasteland of his inner world, where his true self dwells - them being there with him is a way of telling us, readers, that only these two truly know Johan. And therefore, only they can be spared.

I just want to emphasize: for Johan, “destroying the world” and “be the last one standing” wasn’t something he did for fun, or just because he could. It’s the last endeavor of a tortured child convinced in hostility of all living things to find peace.

PART 4: THE TALE OF THE NAMELESS MONSTER

The self is, however, charged with hatred in its envy of the rich, vivid, abundant life which is always elsewhere; always there, never here. The self, as we said, is empty and dry. One might call it an oral self in so far as it is empty and longs to be and dreads being filled up. But its orality is such that it can never be satiated by any amount of drinking, feeding, eating, chewing, swallowing. It is unable to incorporate anything. It remains a bottomless pit; a gaping maw that can never be filled up.

In the tale of the nameless monster, Johan can be both the monster and the boy who has been possessed by a foreign entity. That depends on how you interpret it.

This tale could be an allegory for what is happening to the twins, which are represented as nameless monsters. Johan could not remain himself, all the time hiding under different "faces'', changing names and identities. However, he couldn’t stay in any of them for long. His nature was bursting out, destroying these masks and whatever and whoever was around in the process. Nina on the other hand, even knowing her past, accepted the truth. Accepted her mother's choice and hardships she had to endure. She no longer tries to appear to be someone else, having chosen to move on with her life.

A second interpretation: Johan-the-Prince and our Johan are both weakened boys on a brink of death. For each of them, letting the Monster in, something scary, unnatural to humans, was a way to survive. So our Johan suppressed his sensitivity and susceptibility by pretending to be a not-quite-human, until traces and even references to his humanity have all but disappeared.

I don't think the fairytale manipulated Johan as a child, messing up his consciousness. What’s truly sinister about this picture book is that it foretold his fate.

As an adult, he picks up this book and sees himself in both the monster, who could not bear the present self and took on another's form, and the boy, who in an attempt to survive has ceased to be human, has destroyed everything around him. All that remains is solitude.

Imageries of the prince and the monster merge into one, and in one thing they are similar - in a fear of losing their lives, they lied primarily to themselves, and that lie destroyed the being of each of them. Neither monster nor prince really saved what they were protecting so desperately.

In addition, the book itself was an object from Johan's distant childhood, now almost forgotten, and served also as a reminder of the times when he was an ordinary, normal child.

Johan was wearing masks all the time, but the greatest of all his deceptions was not to live under the names “Johan Liebert”, “Franz Heinau”, “Erich Springer”, or any other for that matter. The most atrocious lie was to wear a mask of the nameless monster, even convincing himrself that this is who he is, that the emptiness and void is all there is to him. Wearing the guise of the nameless monster for years he had almost lost every memory of being human, and the book in his hands was a painful, violent reminder of his cowardly self-deception, his abandoned humanity, his forgotten self.

PART 5: I AM NOT YOU, AND YOU ARE NOT ME

From the moment the book falls into his hands, Johan probably realizes that his worldview is very much distorted. One of his fundamental beliefs about himself has been undermined, so debunking the rest of his illusions becomes a priority.

He remembers orchestrating the massacre at Kinderheim, but his belief that he was always capable of such things is shaken. He suspects that in his lost memories he will find the answer to the question he didn’t even think of asking. If he wasn’t born a monster, how did he become one?

We are not allowed to listen to the entire contents of the tape from Kinderheim 511. Only his attachment to Anna becomes apparent from it; but maybe he proceeds to talk about the Red Rose Mansion next. During interrogation he could recall his sister's words, which he heard again and again after her return. Her story was told in the first person POV: “I saw <....> I heard <…> I was <...> I ran <...>”. On recording he could repeat verbatim the words of his sister, and then, as an adult listening to it, misunderstand the meaning of those words. After all, he heard himself saying “I was taken <...>, I saw people die <...> , I ran away…” And only on the basis of this would he latch on to the story about the Red Rose Mansion as an explanation for what he had become.

Johan then decides to destroy the place. Although he clearly doesn’t recognize it, it doesn’t ring the bell yet.

Johan at that moment still considers himself a single set of personalities with his sister, and believes that in his mother's eyes they looked the same.

I can only assume that he told Čapek that Nina would kill him because he mistakenly thought that Nina held the same opinion about their connection as he did. If he's willing to kill for her, she'll do the same. Of course, he was wrong: he saw himself as an extension, a shadow of his sister, taking her joy and pain as his own; Nina, as much as she loved her brother, did not see herself and him as one, and clearly drew boundaries between her being and Johan's.

The capacity to experience oneself as autonomous means that one has really come to realize that one is a separate person from everyone else. No matter how deeply I am committed in joy or suffering to someone else, he is not me, and I am not him.

The assumption of being taken away by Bonaparta and being cast aside by his mother was one of the last crutches guarding him from the horrifying truth - he was the one who turned himself into a monster.

He cries when he hears Nina's story. Realizing that they’re not one, and she has never perceived Johan in this way. She is not his true self, and he is not his sister's false self. He sees more and more clearly the outlines of the true self within him, and he does not like the picture emerging before him at all.

All the “saving” he was doing turned out to be a sham that didn’t bring any of the twins the expected result. He experienced the guilt of denying himself existence and grew so enraged that he decided to kill himself. He now saw his true self - destructive, without a good reason. And realized it had to be eradicated, along with the man, the Monster, who made him that way - Franz Bonaparta.

PART 6: RUHENHEIM

The final stage of Johan's collapse, the massacre at Ruhenheim.

When he gets to Bonaparta's old house and finds numerous sketches of him and his sister as children he understands that Bonaparta was not “a monster outside of him”.

He refers to him as such when meeting Čapek, implying that Franz is to blame for him becoming a murderer. Upon seeing these sketches he recognized that Bonaparta's intentions had changed greatly over the years, and both Anna and himself were able to escape their fate because of his suddenly awakened sympathy. Not that this excuses Bonaparta, he was the one who designed the experiment after all. But these sketches were a confirmation of his kind intentions towards the twins, whatever they may have been at the outset.

It turns out that when Bonaparta came to visit the Lieberts, he was no longer a threat to Johan and Anna. Johan now knew that the night he shot the Lieberts had indeed stumbled and made a fatal mistake which tore him apart from Anna and plunged him deeper into the abyss of despair.

The event that finally convinced him of the animosity of the world and the lack of a safe corner anywhere in it was a figment of his mind which was led by fear.

This discovery was the final straw for Johan. Any image he had of himself collapsed for good.

The ending of "Monster" is Johan's realization of the fact that he undoubtedly Is. He exists, he is real, and he is him. And he was among the people who denied him the right to live; he was incapable of standing up for himself and recognizing his right to life, as his sister managed to do. He was so eager to erase any traces of himself from the world that didn’t notice the huge trail of blood dragging behind him, that was solid evidence of his existence, the only thing he had left.

He didn’t need to do horrible things that only left him and Nina traumatised. That left him all alone, miserable, separated from her.

He tried so hard to evade the evil people that he killed his Self before anyone had a chance to lay a hand on it.

When he set out to be nothing, his guilt was not only that he had no right to do all the things that an ordinary person can do, but that he had not the courage to do these things over and against and despite his conscience which sought to tell him that everything he did or could do in this life among other people was wrong. His guilt was in endorsing by his own decision this feeling that he had no right to life, and in denying himself access to the possibilities of this life.

After everything he learned about his past, Johan can’t forgive himself. For throwing himself into oblivion, for locking himself in the darkness. For making himself a monster that he was not born to be, that he had a chance not to become.

He was just as capable and deserving of normal life and real, deep connection with others as any other human being. He just convinced himself that he wasn’t one, and nobody dared to contradict him.

There is a desire in him to preserve not only himself from being consumed, but also those he cares about from himself. He thinks of his love as disastrous - because of it, Anna lost her brother and adoptive parents. Tenma, who saved him, was forced to be on the run for several years after becoming a murder suspect.

If there is anything the schizoid individual is likely to believe in, it is his own destructiveness. He is unable to believe that he can fill his own emptiness without reducing what is there to nothing. He regards his own love and that of others as being as destructive as hatred. To be loved threatens his self; but his love is equally dangerous to anyone else. His isolation is not entirely for his own self's sake. It is also out of concern for others. <…>

…what the schizoid individual feels daily. He says, 'It would not be fair to anyone I might love, to love him.' <…> He descends into a vortex of non-being in order to avoid being, but also to preserve being from himself.

He wishes to die now more than ever - a real death, this time. Not just existential, but total. The true end, as he called it.

Appearing in front of Bonaparta and Tenma, he doesn't aim at Franz, because he no longer blames Bonaparta for what he has become.

Johan said the only thing everyone is equal in is death, and what was behind his words: he says to Tenma that not everyone is worthy of saving, of being loved and forgiven, and Tenma should've finally realized this after meeting him and really knowing him. Because he's a monster, and being cheerful, having hope and light in their life is something that others can have, but he can’t; he's completely out of this human world and the only thing he has in common with everyone else is that they are mortal and so is he.

But even in his death he is mistaken. Once again believing he has no right to exist, he hopes to laugh at the world one last time, and die at the hands of the man who once saved him. After all, he certainly wouldn't have done it, knowing what Johan would grow up to be.

Isn’t that right, Dr. Tenma?…

Nina forgave him and the man who saved his life long time ago doesn’t regret his choice anymore and commits to it. The only people dear to him have recognized his right to live, whatever he may be.

Alas, how this affected him, we don’t know, and all we’re left with is speculation.

As a sentimental person, I want to believe that it meant something to Johan.

But what I really don't doubt is that Johan by the end is a completely different character to the one he used to be. Broken, disarmed, miserable. But it’s finally truly him.

"I think I must have figured out how the show ended. The Magnificent Steiner, he probably, became human again."

PART 7: THE FINAL ESCAPE

A mother plays a huge role in the development of her children's ontological insecurity - sometimes by being outright dismissive, sometimes by simply enjoying the child's undemanding and calm nature.

Here's what you can read about the mother’s impact in “The Divided Self”, those are Laing's reflections and descriptions of several of his patients.

... we suggest that a necessary component in the development of the self is the experience of oneself as a person under the loving eye of the mother.

His own feeling about his birth was that neither his father nor his mother had wanted him and, indeed, that they had never forgiven him for being born. <…> He was treated as though he wasn't there.' For his part, not only did he feel awkward and obvious, he felt guilty simply at 'being in the world in the first place'. His mother had, it seems, eyes only for herself. She was blind to him. He was not seen.

She had a great deal to say about her mother. She was smothering her, she would not let her live, and she had never wanted her.

Johan’s mother's choice was the first one in the long list of his miseries, it also triggered his ontological insecurity. And how could it not arise when the mother herself abandoned one of her children?

However, Johan was unaware that his mother had thought up names for the two of them, even before he and Nina were born. It turns out that the arrival of the second child was not an unpleasant surprise to her, she was looking forward to having them both.

She had always acknowledged the existence of both her children, and in her eyes they certainly weren’t a one big entity divided by chance into two bodies, one of which was never meant to be there.

But Johan looks truly disturbed after listening to Tenma. And this new revelation could also be another beginning to despair.

There is a door that must not be opened. What lays behind it: a paradise, or another monster?

Tenma, by telling him that the mother had given names to both of them, might have brought Johan down to a new hell. Where the mother recognised the reality of both her children and yet seriously chose which of them to keep.

This sort of thing doesn’t happen in real life, but since it’s fiction we’re talking about, I think we should pay attention to the fact that Johan wakes up only after hearing Tenma’s words. There is a symbolic meaning of him being stuck between life and death for so long.

It’s like he was resisting to be alive again, refusing to stay awake, choosing to be in a coma rather than walk this Earth again. But yet he didn’t die - a part of Johan was holding onto life despite all the horrors it brought to him.

In his last waking moments, he was miserable after discovering all the truth about himself. He really wanted to die, he thought it was the only thing he was deserving of; but Tenma didn’t shot him, his sister forgave him - and it wasn’t the outcome he expected at all. It started an inner conflict he didn’t have the time to resolve.

Johan as well could see the memory of mother’s choice in a different light. By opening up to Tenma he admitted it as a serious enough cause for him to abandon his humanity, as he really was living in a world full of threats. Hiding and pretending came natural to a child that didn’t know any better. And his mother, however hurtful her choice was and how wrong was the very fact of it, loved both of her children, Johan knows that for sure now. Maybe, he could finally forgive himself for becoming a monster. There was no one left to blame for the way he had turned out, no one to take revenge on - even himself.

(I know it can be confusing, so I’ll clarify, just in case - by “forgiving himself” i don't mean he simply dismissed the damage he did to others. He could only forgive the one he, with his own hands, inflicted upon himself, finally realizing, he had no other choice in his circumstances.)

He had a chance to accept that he had the right to exist all along, from the very beginning.

Finally, I want to get into the last excerpt from Laing's book. These are his patient's words from their conversation.

I could only be good if you saw it in me. It was only when I looked at myself through your eyes that I could see anything good. Otherwise, I only saw myself as a starving, annoying brat whom everyone hated and I hated myself for being that way. I wanted to tear out my stomach for being so hungry. 

<…> Everyone should be able to look back in their memory and be sure he had a mother who loved him, all of him; even his piss and shit. He should be sure his mother loved him just for being himself; not for what he could do. Otherwise he feels he has no right to exist. He feels he should never have been born. No matter what happens to this person in life, no matter how much he gets hurt, he can always look back to this and feel that he is lovable. He can love himself and he cannot be broken. If he can't fall back on this, he can be broken. You can only be broken if you're already in pieces. As long as my baby-self has never been loved then I was in pieces. By loving me as a baby, you made me whole.

<…> It was terribly hard for me to stop being a schizophrenic. I knew I didn't want to be a Smith (patient’s family name), because then I was nothing but old Professor Smith's granddaughter. I couldn't be sure that I could feel as though I were your child, and I wasn't sure of myself. The only thing I was sure of was being a 'catatonic, paranoid and schizophrenic'. I had seen that written on my chart. That at least had substance and gave me an identity and personality. [What led you to change?] When I was sure that you would let me feel like your child and that you would care for me lovingly. If you could like the real me, then I could too. I could allow myself just to be me and didn't need a title.

I walked back to see the hospital recently, and for a moment I could lose myself in the feeling of the past. In there I could be left alone. The world was going by outside, but I had a whole world inside me. Nobody could get at it and disturb it. For a moment I felt a tremendous longing to be back. It has been so safe and quiet. But then I realized that I can have love and fun in the real world and I started to hate the hospital. I hated the four walls and the feeling of being locked in. I hated the memory of never being really satisfied by my fantasies.

The above passage resembles Johan in many ways: the hunger he felt for real life, the doubt of being loved by mother, the bond which he developed with Tenma…. The last has to be special for Johan: the doctor didn’t simply let him off the hook in the end, he actively chose to save his life.

And just as Laing's patient laments how difficult it was for her to give up the label of "crazy, schizophrenic” because it was the only description she felt could be applied to her, Johan couldn’t part with the mask of the nameless monster for the longest time. It was, after all, the only constant in his life. And now he knows that "nameless" part isn’t really true. Or maybe it doesn't matter anymore. He is just him.

It’s up for a debate whether Johan chose life or death in the end. There’s evidence for both and this ambiguity is sure intentional on the author’s part. 

I just want to believe it was a newfound hope that got Johan out of the hospital bed.

#johan liebert #monster anime #naoki urasawa's monster #anime analysis #monster anime analysis #nina fortner #kenzo tenma #naoki urusawa #monster meta

[neonscandal]

Manga With Me: Obscure Head Canons (and Hypotheses) You’d Probably Develop When Reading the JJK Light Novels, Pt 1

For an anime with literally no filler episodes 🥹... the first light novel provides a brief insight into the days before (and behind the scenes of) the trauma. As someone who thrives on the misery of being a JJK fan, would the experience be complete without them? The answer doesn't matter because everything you need is below the jump! I saved my biggest theory for last so hop to the end for it.

⚠️ Spoiler Warning for Jujutsu Kaisen Summer of Ashes, Autumn of Dust and season 2 of the anime (manga spoilers are vague at best).

Head Canon: Gojo is the Riddler Purely For His Own Entertainment ✨

As someone who can process things the way a Six Eyes holder probably can, there’s no way he allows Yuji and Megumi to get the drop on him during their surveillance of sensei on his day off. But he takes them around (at a distance) doing silly things like record stores and maid cafes because I think it prompts them to enjoy things they wouldn’t. Especially Megumi. It’s kind of sweet, both their inherent curiosity about him but also lonely the way that he explores his whims so far removed from everyone else. It really highlights that “Who is Gojo Satoru?” question when you realize even Megumi’s interest was lowkey piqued at the possibly knowing a bit more about Gojo.

In the second story, Gojo speaks in straight up nonsense (think Mad Hatter) and it is no wonder when he's working alongside the most straight laced sorcerer there is, Nanami Kento. To a degree, I wonder if it’s genuine chaos spilling from his head or if he knows, after years of pushing Nanami’s buttons, how to precisely drive him up a wall. I question whether it's for his own entertainment or to his own alienation. Maybe Geto really was the only one who could follow the winding thread of Gojo’s thoughts.

Head Canon: Gojo Secretly Worries About Nanami

I think with Haibara’s death and the knowledge he would have made light work of whatever caused it, Gojo makes it a point to join Nanami on missions.. just in case. After all, Nanami and Shoko are all he has left from before. He’s lost many people and, as the strongest, I don’t think that fear is something he’d admit aloud, but its reality is demonstrably what pushes him forward physically and philosophically. In the story where they go on a mission together... it almost seems like an unspoken and uncomfortable understanding between them, the elephant in the room neither want to point out. People around Gojo never wanting to acknowledge how his strength eclipses theirs is rather common which we see with Nanami in this story and even Ijichi later. So while he may make light of this chasm, he still pops in as an unsolicited protector. With grace, he allows Nanami to assume he's just being a nuisance but I really think he takes an ounce of prevention where possible when it comes to the people he cares for. After all, imagine the turmoil if he ever came to realize his absence could make or break another person's survival again.

Head Canon: The Elders Have Always Known, If It Came Down to it, Gojo Would Always Choose Geto

There’s a reason they kept the idea of reanimating the dead a secret specifically from Gojo. In fact, they should probably consider themselves lucky that he was so vehemently disgusted with the curse user capable of such puppetry. I wonder if he experienced hope before allowing the reality of the sham magic to break his heart all over again because, in their secrecy, it seems like they know the lengths he’d go to protect and choose Geto. Geto was allowed to walk the earth for 10 years after his execution was ordered. Maybe they were right to keep it close to the chest. Gojo still saved his body, after all. To what end when he knew a body can run the risk of becoming a curse?

Head Canon: Gojo Saved Ijichi's Life but Condemned Him to Something Worse

Okay so this is kind of a manga spoiler (though I believe the flash back is during the Premature Death/Hidden Inventory arc) but, as a student, Gojo straight up told Ijichi he was weak and should find something else to do so he doesn't get himself killed. So he does. He becomes a steadfast and detail oriented manager which is a critical fixture in jujutsu society but damn, doesn't it just put Ijichi in an ivory tower of suffering? Years pass as he sends first his juniors, then fresh sets of kids into dangerous battle after dangerous battle. Some survive, some don't and all serve as a reminder of his powerlessness. He can cross every "t" and dot every "i" and it still doesn't prevent what happened to Yuji at the Juvenile center from happening. What does that do to one's soul?

Head Canon: Gojo Still Thinks "We Are the Strongest"

As seen with the Premature Death/Hidden Inventory arc, we know that Gojo saw an exponential growth in response to the losses suffered. It seemingly drove a wedge between he and Geto as Geto struggled to grapple with his powerlessness. With his defection, we see where Gojo changes his posturing from "we are the strongest" to "I am the strongest" but in the back of his mind (Alexa, play "Always Forever" by Cults 🫠), we know he still holds a soft spot for his first and last warm spring of youth. At the end of JJK 0, he refers to Geto in the present tense, as his "best friend, [his] one and only." Even after everything, I truly think Gojo leaves space for Geto beside him. This is furthered in the light novel during a story which is placed post Junpei and upon Yuji's return to life at Jujutsu High. Yuji, while still playing dead, helped a kid who had a grade 3 curse that seemed to be resurrecting and, after exorcising it multiple times felt he needed Gojo's assistance. When Gojo refused, he resigned himself to ask Nanamin for help wherein Gojo employed a Teachable Moment (TM).

He approached Itadori, who was hanging his head. "In this world, tragedies too often end in misery, even when it's possible to help. But the problem isn't lack of strength or getting there too late." As Gojo passed Itadori, he patted him on the head without making eye contact. "The main reason it happens is that people forget they have the strength to help."

This was enough to restore Yuji's confidence in his own competence but also sounds informed by what happened between Geto and Gojo in a sense. I interpret Gojo's assertion to center Geto to be the assumed lack of strength (which was most pertinent to how he was advising Yuji) and himself with the poor timing. Ultimately, to Gojo it doesn't matter because he never thought Geto was weak. The insecurity was a product of a situation he failed to reason himself out of, at the time, and it bred resentment within him alone. I don't think Gojo blamed Geto for anything that happened with Riko nor could he blame himself. It simply spurned him to figure out ways to limit his vulnerability in the future. In the face of that loss, Gojo still said they were the strongest and maybe in that moment with Yuji, he was employing a lesson he wished he could have been in a place to tell Geto to quell his festering guilt and grief. You can be strong and still fallible.

Hypothesis: Mimiko and Nanako (and Anyone Else...) Going After Managers is Not a Coincidence

As we saw with JJK 0, Geto's twins were rather merciless in going after the suits who make everything covert about jujutsu society possible. Based on what we knew at the time, the managers provide cover for sorcerers on missions (with curtains, getting them transportation to, providing cover stories) and plug them in with resources as needed. But we begin to realize that managers serve additional purposes. In season 1, we see that they are sometimes part of the investigative force when it comes to getting information around developing situations. With the Shibuya arc and the arc that follows, we see that they are also integral means of liaison and communication between sorcerers and to other points of contact within the community, including windows.

So. Windows are people who can see curses but aren't sorcerers which begs the question, what are managers? As we learn and can infer with Ijichi, who was a former sorcerer in training, managers are people who can see curses and may even be able to manipulate cursed energy. They aren't full blown sorcerers but they aren't completely helpless either. So why go after them?

As we see in the story centered around Ijichi's "boring day" at the office. Managers are sorcerers' only connection to the "human" world. They are what keeps them tethered to their mission in protecting others while similarly upholding the etiquette and traditions around how the rest of the world works. They maintain a very delicate balance of things alongside the supernatural. Without them, you'd have the unchecked ego of teenage Gojo basically just doing as he pleases without curtains or respect to the possible implications of a civilian seeing him work out in the open. To suit Geto's needs during JJK 0, why should sorcerers operate under some guise of hiding their strength for the sake of those who are weak? As to what happens during the Shibuya arc.. imagine the fear, the anxiety. Imagine the chaos! Imagine the curses it would yield.

Hypothesis: Yuji is Still the Main Character, We Just Haven't Seen the Curse that He'd Manifest When Broken Saying it louder for the people in the back

Certain corners of the fandom have largely cast Yuji aside. With the release of JJK 0 and appearance of Yuta, many wonder why Yuta isn't carrying the series. Afterall, his inherent overpowered-ness and ability to copy any technique for sure casts him as the next gen Gojo, right? In the literary sense, we've seen the rise and fall of his story. We haven't seen the last of him by any stretch of the imagination but he is, as we discovered, also jujutsu society royalty. A distant cousin of Gojo's, actually.

Of the main cast of first and second years, Yuji and Nobara are subsequently the only characters who do not have apparent ties to jujutsu society. Nobara, plucked from the countryside, is tested by Gojo upon her initial introduction to the series to make sure she's crazy enough to cut it. Yuji's origin is still a ways from truly coming to light but his inherent strength and the simple ability to house Sukuna and maintain his identity has, in many ways, been indicated to be an anomaly. Subsequently, as the viewer or reader, we know there's more to the story which has yet to come. I won't go into it here given my desire to not spoil the larger manga story but I think laced within the light novels is enough evidence to talk about Yuji and what his power and subsequent threat level is.

Yuji, for all intents and purposes, is an outsider. From what we can tell, he has experienced loss. Most apparently with his grandfather but we also assume he is a victim to the MC syndrome that leaves him orphaned and prime for a journey rife with struggle. He's fifteen with the pure heart of a child despite any previous hardships and just so happens to be armed with the mission to help people.

Yuji approaches the introduction to this new society with the wonderment of a kid finding out superheroes exist. But this naivete, this untempered light, actually has the capability of being something so fearsome when we learn how curses manifest through negative emotions.

In the anime, we see this as Sukuna scratches at Yuji's mental when they realize the possible origin of Tsumiki's curse may have begun killing it's victims when Yuji ate the finger. Mahito employs a similar means of manifesting ill will in Junpei that ultimately also becomes a burdensome guilt that Yuji bears. Countless times in the Shibuya arc, Yuji is forced to witness catastrophic losses of his mentors and friends while he can only stand idly by. The survivor's guilt is compounded by the shame of his own inability to help which only gets worse.

Since Yuji is relatively noble and sincere in nature, he considers these losses personal failures. He takes ownership of any sins against others that Sukuna commits when he is not in control over his body and, subsequently, his spirit takes a beating time and time again. He sought to do good in the world but his ledger becomes increasingly bloody through no means of his own and it weighs on our sunshine character.

It's easy to lend a hand to a child who has fallen, but it's a teacher's job to show a child how to stand up unassisted. It isn't always easy. - Gojo Satoru

The first light novel closes the gap between how Yuji went from training in a basement away from anyone who'd want him dead a second time to being under Nanami's care. While wrapping up Nanami's case, Gojo is uncharacteristically somber in requesting Nanami's assistance. He explains that Yuji requires Nanami's influence as someone who knows human suffering. The losses shared between them are unspoken and are not acknowledged within this exchange but, from what we know, hang as a burden between them. Still, both Nanami and Gojo have continued on as sorcerers somehow, from the grief of their youth into their late twenties. But Gojo gives voice to the concern that, because of Yuji's bravery and altruism, that the reality of what's expected of a sorcerer will one day break his heart if someone with emotional intelligence isn't able to help temper it. They seem to both understand the precariousness of youth and have both been shown to insist in protecting it where possible. This exchange and their mutual understanding is how we have Yuji under the care of Nanamin. It's also where we get the heart rending reminder that "Being a child is by no means a crime," and "You've escaped death many times. But that doesn't mean you've become an adult."

In the last story of the book, as Yuji is reunited with the other first years, he is contemplating a situation he encountered that still lacked resolution. He'd exorcised the exact same demon several times but to no avail. He hopes to enlist Gojo's help but Gojo encourages him to think about the problem more because not everything can be solved by fighting and exorcising when the source of curses is from human emotion. As Yuji races off to resolve the issue that's been weighing on him, Gojo reflects on his responsibility to preparing Yuji for the ups and downs that are sure to befall him.

Itadori's sincerity was a more significant attribute than his being Sukuna's vessel. As a result, trauma had the potential to become a curse more fearsome than anything else, a nasty curse preventable only by confronting one's own heart. Instead of cradling that heart, Gojo could teach it to be prepared. That's what it meant to raise students.

While the story resolves without consequence, we see that Yuji's reflection on the situation is as endearing as one would imagine though still a bit warped. He is galvanized to be stronger, dedicated to providing the help the people need whatever it may be, and to not give those he cares about reason to worry which seems in line with what Gojo was hoping for. But being offset by his consideration for how others feel like Nobara and Fushiguro when he died, it almost feels like he's creating an even larger burden of expectations for himself. This gives rise to Gojo's very real concerns about how far someone can fall into despair, especially someone who is such a beacon of positivity.

#manga with me #manga with me jjk #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #anime #manga #headcanon #gojo satoru #yuji itadori #nanami kento #itadori yuji #kento nanami #satoru gojo #manga analysis #jjk brainrot #jjk theory #jjk conspiracy #sukuna #sukuna's vessel #jjk light novel #summer of ashes autumn of dust #jjk yuji #jjk nanami #jjk gojo #we are the strongest #satosugu #meta analysis #meta #jjk meta

[kalindraancunin]

A Love Dream 

OK GUYS. I HAD TO DO IT. i am not a writer per se (although I am loving it I admit), not a native speaker, nothing, but I HAD to get this idea out, and I sincerely hope you enjoy! ALSO: if anyone wants to continue this story with the much needed smut after, FEEL FREE! Let this be a group Project!

fluffy fluff, feelings, music, classical lore, anticipation for smut (but not there yet), love, desire and philosophical astarion :D

Lúthien is my female moon druid tav with a very rough childhood, one which she tries to heal herself from, with the help of her creative passions, specially music. Honestly if one didn’t knew and disregarded her occasional transformation into animal form, she would easily be mistaken for a full on bard. 

She and Astarion engage in ongoing, very heavy flirting and already slept together two times (before and after the tiefling party), but never talked about feelings involved and struggle deeply to not be the first one revealing themselves to the other 

(Basically two traumatized dumbasses in love).

She lets him feed nearly every night, trying to not show too much of her deep affection and lust for him. He obviously notices, but other than some heavy teasing he didn’t go further in his advances, simply because he, so he tells himself, already got what he wanted: her on his side, fighting for his cause for freedom.

The Piano piece they are playing is Franz Liszt Liebestraum No.3 (or A Love Dream) in Ab flat major ;-)  I found it quite fitting both in melody and storywise!

....

As the sun begins to settle between the trees at the rosymorn monastery, camp shenanigans slowly settled down as well. This was the time where everyone retreated to their own tents, except for one or two left at the camp fire, sipping on wine and telling stories (more so often Gale). Like the night before, Lúthien sat behind the very old grand piano which revealed itself after an unpleasant encounter with some giant eagles two days ago. While their usual loot strolls after the fight, Lúthien almost couldn’t  contain herself when she spotted the harsh contrast of the piano keyboard between piles of dried grass which the eagles used to built their nests.

She insisted they make camp here, as they were too exhausted after the two fights (they encountered some death sheppards before) and asked Karlach to help her set up the grand piano near her tent. „ Ok Soldier, am quite excited which tunes you come up with, I love when you play for us!“ The fiery Barbarian shouted while she grabbed the monstrosity by the keyboard like it was made out of cardboard and swunged it over her shoulders to carry it to Lúthien. She herself laughed, never getting over the impossible strength the tiefling woman provided while also embodying such an easy and happy personality.

„Careful, a grand piano as old as this specimen is most likely very delicate, specially the keyboard!“ Astarion suddenly made an appearance behind the two women, arms crossed, head shaking in disapproval.

„You may be right“ Lúthien admitted, placing her fingers on some of the keys, testing the sound. „ You sound like you sat on one of those before?“ She looks at his face, recognizing his eyes shying away from her gaze, eyebrows frowned as he was caught by surprise.

„ I.. Well, .. I don’t know, really. After all, it must have been 200 years ago.“ His usually silky voice took on an absent, sad tone.

„ Sorry, I didn’t mean to..“ Lúthien felt like her question stirred some uncomfortable thoughts the beautiful man across from her most certainly wanted to avoid. „No, no, darling, it’s alright,“ he quickly responded, his ruby eyes fixated again on her. „If you don’t mind not practicing too loud? I have some interesting literature which I intended  to indulge in peace and quiet this evening.“ He scoffed at her with a little smirk and walked away back to his tent, just before Lúthien could return his teasing with a witty remark she already prepared inside her head.

Something along the lines of …. I could only imagine which „literature“ you are referring too.. never mind. 

As her mind travels back to the present moment, Lúthien shooked her head, trying to get rid of that white haired-seductive grinning-crimson eyed- vampire- elf- man- image in her mind and focussed on the keys before her. This evening, she wanted to focus herself on a particular captivating piano piece she always wanted to perfect, but never managed to. Originally in ab major, Lúthien struggled to remember the correct tonality as she let her fingers sway over the keyboard, only pressing faintly where she thought the tone was right.

„Unsure, darling?“

Lúthien gasped in shock as she suddenly felt the presence of Astarion behind her. „Could you stop sneaking up on me?!“ She turns around, obviously taken aback and met him with a piercing glance, „sorry if I was too loud and interrupted your studies, your heiness.“

„No need bringing royalty into this, although I admit, this title would suit me quite a bit, don’t you think?“ Lúthien rolled her eyes and noticed her ears and cheeks heating up as he sat down next to her on the laying barrel she upcycled as a piano stool, their thighs touching each other slightly. She stared at his trousers and her mind drifted to the strong grip his legs had on her that night…. 

„My eyes are up here, pet.“ She gasped again and wanted to fight his bold assumption (which frankly was true), but couldn’t contain a loud laugh. She looked him in his eyes,  despite her urge to avoid his gaze and was rewarded to see his face lighten up with her laugh. God’s, he was just ethereal. „Ok, ok, i don’t know what to say to that“ Lúthien looked away and at her hands still on the keyboard. 

To her surprise, Astarion placed his hands on the keyboard as well. 

„You know, I thought about what we talked about yesterday,“ she looked at him while he talked and absentmindedly gazed at the piano,“ I think i might have some history playing the piano when I was younger. He started lazily playing an arpeggiated phrase containing c, e ab…“Wait, you know that song?“ Lúthien stared at him with wide eyes, „ I wanted to practice it, as it is one of my favorite piano pieces!“

„ i know, I recognized the melody as soon as you started with the first notes“, his gaze rested on the keyboard, „ I must say, I applaud your taste in music darling , as it is one of my favorites as well.“

And then he started playing. As his beautiful, long fingers danced over the keys, his shoulders and his whole face began to relax. This calm and peaceful expression filled Lúthiens heart up with an immense, deep feeling for the pale man sitting next to her, so much she felt herself almost exploding on the inside. He played the piece so beautifully, carefully distinguishing between the strong, forte parts and the more soft, piano ones. The melody was like a wave he managed to draw flawlessly, so empathetic towards the intentions of each note, she was left speechless. She even thought she was sure she saw a small smile across his lips, while he was caught in the wave of the arpeggio phrases with his eyes closed.

This sight sent shivers down her spine and in that moment she wished nothing more than to be the piano, to be each key he touched.

She knew she loved him, a realization that hit her more calmly than she expected. It was just that she knew and now, she had just said it out in the open, at least to herself in her mind (which was quite the big step for her). 

„ Do you know what this piece is about?“ Astarion looked her in the eyes while playing the last notes, still lost in the melancholy of the tune. 

„I know it is called „ ,A Love Dream’“ Lúthien returned his gaze, eyes big and her whole body flushed, still flustered by her own realization.

„That is correct, dear“, his crimson eyes darted to her face and she couldn’t sit still, so she changed the position of her hands from the barrel to her thighs to the keys again just for the sake of moving some of her body, otherwise she was sure she would just jump at him and kiss him like an absolute mad woman, „ but do you know the whole story?“ 

„N-No“ Lúthien managed to get out. „ You know“, Astarion chuckles, „ its funny how just you practicing three simple notes got me thinking so deep about things I was almost a hundred percent sure I forgot that they existed. And that music, and playing the piano is still somewhat a part of me.. even after all this years of numbness.“  Lúthien couldn’t take her eyes of him and rested her hand onto his instinctively. At first she wanted to take it back to rest at her leg, but in that moment she knew she could stay there. 

„ The story of a Love Dream is obviously about love, darling“ Astarion continued with a slight tease in his warm voice and smirked at her, but without that usual mask, so she notices. „ but about all the ups and downs, and specially, what remains of all the feelings after the beloved has passed.“

Suddenly, he moves closer to Lúthien and grabbed her resting hand more firmly, which she appreciated greatly, as she was sure she couldn’t contain herself much longer. „ But what if-„ he almost whispered in her ear, his face terribly close to her neck and her lips- , „ what if someone finds love after they already died? How would that feel like? If someone were to compose this piece according to this paradox, what would the musical waves look like? The other way around?“ 

He was so close to her face, he looked so deeply into her with his ruby eyes, asking this question with a sincereness she couldn’t take it anymore. She knew he was asking about him, about her. About all of this. What this means he is feeling, as he couldn’t remember he felt that way in two hundred years. She grabbed his neck and drew him onto her lips and they kissed. He wrapped his arms around her back and pressed her onto him so hungrily, but also so gentle.

As they deepened their kiss further and further, already traveling their hands to the other persons clothes, desperately wanting to gain access to skin, Lúthien managed to answer him, looking into his eyes, short of breath, hot and with a big smile : „ I think such a composition would thrive off this paradox, because when the story starts with the deepest of all pain, the most happiness must be what fills the time after.“ He smiled at her back, a clear, honest and genuine happy smile that melted her away for good, „ I would like for us to write it.“ 

#astarion x female reader #astarion x female tav #astarion x reader #astarion x female oc #astarion fic #astarion fanart #astarion piano #Spotify #astarion fluff #astarion fanfic #astarion fanfiction #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 fluff #bg3 fanfiction #baldurs gate astarion #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate tav #baldurs gate 3 fanfiction

[fullmetalfears]

Hoenheim is one of my favorite characters in the OG FMA manga and Brotherhood. He made me love the sad immortal that hates themself trope, and in general I find the combination of failed father figure, gentle kind person, and the violence he accidently did to his people make for a dynamic character.

But I do 100% think FMA made the other characters far too quick to forgive Hoenheim for leaving the boys.

In the manga, it was directly said that Hoenheim wrote back home but in the anime you get NOTHING. Either way, the man left for a decade, during the most important period of his children's lives as children... because he felt like a monster. Not because he was actually doing things to his kids, but HE wanted to live like a human.

It's shitty. It's awful. One of the people that Ed and Al were supposed to rely on most left because he couldn't get over his own misery. Instead of waiting even a few years to make sure they could even take care of themselves better before leaving, he left before they could even really remember him at all.

I say this not because I don't think it was a good character decision. In fact I think it's tragic in a way that the series needs. The lack of clear lines between monsters and people, where one of Hoenheim's worst decisions is leaving his wife and kids, something that any person can do.

Hoenheim's real flaw when it comes to his family is not valuing that people want him to be there.

Which makes his final offer to Ed to sacrifice himself take on a different light.

In canon, the manga/anime make it clear that Ed calling Hoenheim a shitty father was meant to be as much Ed chastising Hoenheim for not understanding they won't use philosopher stones as it is an acknowledge that Ed accepts him as his father.

But to me, it shows that Hoenheim still hasn't learned why leaving was such an awful blow to the family. Yes, Trisha died because he wasn't there but even if he came back ten years later, did he still expect it to be from a loving family? Did Hoenheim expect the world to stand still while he left?

Hoenheim is still sacrificing himself after all this damn time. He still doesn't see that being there for his kids could invaluable. Maybe they grew up without him, and hell, maybe he doesn't deserve a second chance after so long, but for the boys, making sure you live to the next day is their entire philosophy. And Hoenheim, is willing to give that next day up.

In context, he's giving himself up for his boys after all this time of putting his own feelings first, but he would still be gone. What's worse, in Ed's perspective it's an impossible choice. If Ed couldn't have thought of another way to get Al back, Hoenheim basically offered Ed a chance to kill him in exchange for his brother.

You know. Killing. The one thing that Ed will not fucking do.

Hoenheim doesn't understand Ed. He also even after all this time doesn't get that living for them and to move forward would be the best thing he could do.

So yeah. I adore Hoenheim but the manga/anime kinda does a clumsy job with him. It does such a good job of setting Hoenheim up as looming negative premise in the beginning and then the story overcorrects in trying to make you like him that it forgets that, yeah, leaving your wife and kids for a decade is kinda bad actually!!!

It doesn't help that no one else is angry at Hoenheim. Izumi knew the boys as small children, presumably orphans and yet greets Hoenheim warmly. In the manga the people of Risembol are baffled on his arrival but otherwise move on. Pinako WHO BASICALLY HELPED RAISED THEM is just sorta neutral towards him. Even Al isn't angry. He just wants his dad back which is fine, but it leaves Ed's anger as an outlier, like it's childish of him not to understand.

By the time of his death, Hoenheim doesn't really learn anything. He's forgiven because he really was a good dude and he felt really bad about leaving for a decade so he can totally be forgiven by everyone right?

Right.

So yeah. Hoenheim? Great character, but awful dad which is part of why he's a good character but the story really pulls its punches about him.

~Luna

#fma #fma manga #fma:b #Hoenheim #van hoenheim

[yasashiinaya]

So this is probably gonna be a long post about how rain world changed my perspective on life and death. There'll be references to in game lore as well as my personal thoughts on real life. I'll assume you're familiar with most of the lore.

So where do I even start?

Rain world is probably the game that has had the most profound effect on me. On its surface it's just a game about poor slugcat exploring this dangerous world, but under the surface it is deeply philosophical. Reading all the pearls, visiting all the echos, and playing through all the campaigns (including downpour) really made me appreciate it.

In rain world we have an answer to the afterlife. We know there is one and we know roughly what it entails. It's unclear how the ancients knew reincarnation was real. Maybe they remembered past lives, maybe there was some feature that made it obvious it was them again, we'll never know. Perhaps one purpose of the data pearls was to store knowledge of past lives for them to learn through.

So.. why did they want to leave the cycle? A great question. It's clear that the ancients cared a lot about life after all. We get some insight into them in the shaded citadel pearl (dark pink). It's a pearl from the memory crypts. A list 620 items long about Seventeen Axes, Fifteen Spoked Wheel's accomplishments. Maybe they were a summary of one life, maybe of all lives. We can assume it was put in the crypts after they ascended. Considering there are engineered organisms patrolling the memory crypts, surely this all meant a lot to them. Why did they want to ascend? Well it's clear not all of them did. Rhinestones beneath Shattered Glass (undergrowth) tells us this:

"Do you see the same as me? Beauty continuing to bloom even in a place long forgotten. I did not have the will to depart, nor the desire. Why did they always search for an escape, as if we were imprisoned? What offering from the void could usurp the gift of life already given? This moment, right here! It is where we are meant to be."

Echos exist cause they were not done with life. It's not some sort of punishment, it's just what happens when ascending is not something they truly wanted. The Farm Arrays pearl (pink) says that there were horror stories that if your ego was too big, the void fluid couldn't ascend you, leaving you an echo. Is it truly ego? Maybe being echos has changed the ones that remain but most don't seem like they have massive egos. Nineteen Spades, Endless Reflections thinks that they remain cause they can't let go of their memories. Four Needles under Plentiful Leaves asks if they should be ashasmed that they envy our flesh prison. A Bell, Eighteen Amber Beads still contemplates the same fields they once did. In the saint campaign, they theorize that they remain cause they feel the land has yet to reveal all of its secrets. They still hold onto the place despite it changing so.

They're imprisoned because they clearly didn't want to go. There are probably countless echos that exist merely because they felt pressured to cross themselves out. The iterators are stuck trying to find the triple affirmative. Some iterators want to ascend themselves but are incapable due to their biology. So.. if an iterator were to die, what would happen to them? Would they be stuck in a sort of limbo since no new iterators were made? Perhaps. If ascended by the saint, Looks To The Moon and Five Pebbles can see the entire loop of their existence, while also mentioning that it is only a dream. If both are ascended at the same time, it's clear they don't understand the afterlife at all. They don't know if they've broken free or not. They wouldn't have known if they found the right solution.

Let's talk about saint. It's unclear what they really are. They are an echo yet they are stuck in a repeating cycle. Or are they? Is it a cycle begun anew? They are a triple affirmative in all senses. A portable solution that is generally applicable. Upon ascending both iterators, they say this:

BSM: Only those who have seen the other side can know the answers, but by definition they can never venture back to deliver the knowledge they have gained.

FP: Perhaps that is why you need to wake up, little visitor.

Are we stuck because we have seen the other side and must help the others? Is the saint's purpose to ascend everyone? Did we see the first cycle or did we see one of countless? Are they wrong and we are stuck because our ego convinces us we can "fix" the world. Are we even right in ascending those who did not ask for it?

Crossing the Rubicon is an idiom that means passing a point of no return. When Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon, it led to a civil war and him becoming a dictator. Saint passing the point of no return did not mean that they couldn't come back afterwards, it meant that they became something else. What is the rubicon in rain world even? The iterators suggest it is a dream, is it? Why are the guardians trying to keep us from crossing? Perhaps the void sea itself doesn't want us to cross. Perhaps it's a test to see if we're worthy.

Is ascension even meant to be? Why would there be a method of ascension that could be mass produced? The void sea almost seems like a cop out, no? the pearl in the filtration system (teal) tells us that the void sea is an entity that dissolves the rock. Maybe it just crosses out anything it comes into contact with, including creatures. I don't think it's meant for us.

When I first ascended as the survivor I was left in awe. I went in blind and had no idea what the ending would be like. It took reading a lot of the lore for me to somewhat understand. These mysterious creatures lived in the void sea and for some reason helped us? Did we really ascend? What even is the purpose of the void worms? The sense of mystery is captivating

As a thanks for reading this far: Have a drawing I made

Moving on to section 2: my own personal thoughts

I really started to think about life and death after wrapping up everything. Is there an afterlife in the real world? Should there be one? Do I even want to know the answer? Some background on me: I grew up in a family that knew no religion. Fairly spiritual but it wasn't a big part of their lives. I was aware christianity was a thing but my family didn't believe in any gods and didn't teach me any of that stuff. I didn't start learning about the afterlife in other cultures until religion class in school. My dad passed away when I was a kid so I was kinda left theorizing on what lies beyond the veil. No one tried to tell me what the right answer was cause no one knew. So.. what do I think? I'm not sure. For the most part I've just kinda figured my spirit returns to the earth once I'm gone, but will there be something left of me? Will I move on? I.. don't know. For a long time I didn't really mind the idea of dying. I didn't care what was on the other side. I didn't particularly care about life either. It took me a long time to see how precious things actually are. Heck, it took me until just this year to figure what afterlife is most desireable to me. So again, what do I think? The idea of heaven just feels wrong. Is it just life part 2? How cruel is that. An afterlife of happiness and no negativity? What's the point of that? Without my flaws and my pain, am I really me? An afterlife of eternal happiness would just leave me as an empty shell devoid of any real depth. A cruel prank by the gods to collect hollow mortals to spend time with them perhaps. Is reincarnation much better? Must my memories disappear, leaving me with no idea I was someone else? All the hurdles I overcame and connections I made, gone? For naught? Just to start over? I suppose I wouldn't know anymore, I wouldn't remember, but it feels like a sad fate. Perhaps I'm more attached to the world than I realize.

Maybe the ancients weren't so wrong. Maybe being crossed out is the answer. I think the afterlife I want is no afterlife at all. An end I wouldn't even be aware of. Unaware I ever existed. When we go to sleep, we don't know we're actually gonna wake up, do we? When I went under for surgery, the world just faded away. No memories of my last moments, no memories of it happening. That's what I hope the end will be like. Unaware in peaceful bliss. Falling asleep and never waking up again. Is it the happiest of endings? Perhaps not, but it is a fair ending. I guess I'm not so different from the ancients. Perhaps they were right in seeking a way to just disappear and never come back, but I suppose we won't know if that's what they actually got.

Farewell internet stranger, I hope you enjoyed my theories

#rain world #rain world spoilers #rain world downpour spoilers #philosophy #afterlife

[anarchotahdigism]

one thing I've noticed about all the yt women posting photos in support of pred is that they're nearly all revealing themselves to be antimaskers They're taking selfies in crowded, often indoor, public places without masks, happy to spread the suffering and death of COVID for the sake of their personal pleasures. And one yt woman who said she was friends of pred, when her support post trended, had also posted a recipe of a Palestinian dish but absolutely nowhere did it mention it was a Palestinian dish nor did she have any hint of Palestinian solidarity during a casual scroll of curiosity. As soon as pred got zapped, all the yt queer fans of hers dropped all pretense of caring about people actually fucking dying and focused on rallying around a single ableist. Fuck y'all anti-masking plague rats, y'all's solidarity couldn't stop a fucking mall cop at the end of a double shift. Something else I've noticed is how many people said they'd no clue who pred was--- posts for her just exploded across their feeds and they initially felt it (justifiably) wise to support a woman being persecuted for her identity. But the reason pred has all this support is because she's one of the popular white women, and it's not exactly hard to be a popular white woman if you're willing to be at least a little bigoted. So her supporters are painting her as this completely angelic, sainted, wonderful supporter of queers or whatever when that's hardly the truth. But that kind of white washing is also very typical of white people when they get in trouble. Meanwhile all the people of color in my notes have said things like "yeah sounds right," and "whew I'm glad I wasn't the one to say this" and "remember the BLM purges" and such cause this isn't just a familiar song, it's a whole holy ritual that yt ppl trot out whenever one of them feels the slightest amount of heat that we're born into. This site is so fucking racist, ableist, anti-Black, anti-solidarity because it's dominated by craven, feckless yt fucks who only care about the suffering of others as a thought experiment, as a philosophical abstract, and as soon as something happens to affect a yt person, they close ranks quick and fast, leaving behind and out everyone else who had been suffering longer, worse and first. Thus ever whiteness.

#anarchotahdigism #whiteness #antiblackness #eugenics #covid #wear a mask #ableism #free palestine #death to whiteness

[askganon]

Sir, you do not know me, nor I you really, but despite the fact that we clearly have major philosophical differences, I still find you highly respectable. I haven't spoken to you as of yet due to this, as I have doubted that I could find a topic that would lead somewhere of benefit that others have not already asked at length about. All this is quite a long winded way to state that, now that I've actually thought of a topic to broach, I am genuinely curious as to your thoughts and do not speak on a whim and hope you may give my ramble some thought as well.

On the topic of alcohol (and any other drug/intoxicant that you may partake in for that matter), I am curious, what exactly do you find pleasurable about any of it and why do you believe you find it pleasurable? I have always found the feeling of drunkenness to be mildly annoying at best and highly distressing at worst. The same traits that others describe as positive have always been hellish to me. For the physical sensations others have described have always sounded identical to my experiences of things such as "being in extreme pain" and "recovering from surgery", which even being slightly tipsy tends to resemble for me. As for the social aspects, many say they find it easier to socialize and that it makes one more open to things, but if you are intending to meet others, wouldn't it be better to know their personality for how it is outside of intoxication? And if one is simply looking to have a good experience, wouldn't it be better to seek one that can be more easily remembered? And being around drunken folk while sober has never been pleasant either, as I find it to be closer to babysitting than anything. To each their own as they say, but I simply find this baffling, so I'd like to hear your thoughts. Perhaps this is simply something that is not meant to be fully known or understood, but to leave questions unanswered is against my nature. After all, a sickly child who grows into a sickly adult is often left only with the company of books, and that has long since given me a hunger to know everything I can. One of my flaws I suppose

And as this is much longer than I intended, I shall try to leave that thought here, I think. For it is late and I am stressed, as tonight is the anniversary of my birthday so tomorrow I will be expected to take part in celebrations that, as my culture dictates, will most certainly involve drinking. I expect the social pressures to be nearly as miserable as the act itself would be. For listening to my late night rambling, which I hope does not bore you, sarqso

Your patience alone to seek out a topic as of yet discussed already elevates you above the common rabble in my eyes, disagreements or no. For this, I will indeed take my own time in answering your original thoughts and inquiries to the extent of my ability.

First, allow me to dissuade any possible worries you may hold regarding my character when it comes to alcohol. I do not ingest it for the sole purpose of wild intoxication.

Many who imbibe do so for this reason, but I am not among them. When I drink, and understand that it is not a daily occurrence, I do so to feel an ease from my burdens.

There are seven stages of intoxication, ranging from sobriety to death. When I drink, I take care to keep myself within the first two stages; sobriety and euphoria. I need no further intoxication than them, and will keep myself within those controllable levels.

In extreme cases, and very rare moments, I have found myself delving into the third stage; excitement. However, I do not enter this stage lightly, and it is almost always with a host of Sisters that I have allowed myself such indulgence.

I am also aware that alcohol effects everyone differently. What has been a pleasant experience for me might be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is no shame in this, as I have been in the company of many Gerudo who have preferred sobriety to intoxication. Likewise, I have known some Gerudo... and Hylian Kings, who preferred a lifetime of intoxication to a moment of sobriety.

It can be a tool of momentary release if it is controlled, or an unbreakable chain of misery and dependency if it is not. As with everything, it is fine in moderation.

When it comes to alcohol: learn your limits, and respect them.

#Ganondorf #Legend of Zelda

[chelledoggo]

My Analysis of "Lazarus Drug" by Meg Washington, and how it pertains to Bluey's "The Sign" [MASSIVE BLUEY SPOILERS]

(This post is going to deviate from my typical "all lowercase" typing style because I kinda want it to be taken seriously lol.)

So, I was doing some dishes earlier, and I started thinking about the song "Lazarus Drug" by Meg Washington. I started mulling over the lyrics and thinking about how it was used at the ending of the Bluey special "The Sign." The wheels kinda started turning and I felt compelled to attempt to present my interpretation and the thoughts I have about it.

Now, I'm not a music theorist or a seasoned philosopher or TV critic. I'm just about as much of a layperson as one can be. I'm just kinda calling things as I see them.

Although only the final portion of the song was used in The Sign, I wanna go over the full version of the song to give a better understanding of what all the pieces mean put together.

This probably won't be a play-by-play of every lyric (because I'm not that smart lol), but I'll do my best to get the point across.

Let's begin!

[MASSIVE BLUEY SPOILERS BEGIN BELOW THE CUT]

I am asleep, I am a slug I am a thief, I am a thug

The first lines of the song give the impression that the singer perceives herself as an impure person. She seems to bring attention to her vices of focusing too much on the self to the point where it could potentially hurt others.

You are grace, you are belief You are a Lazarus drug

This is where the song title comes in, and this section in particular is clearly very heavy on Biblical imagery.

Lazarus was a figure in the Bible, specifically the Gospel of John (John 11:1-45). He died of illness and had been in the tomb for four days. Jesus loved Lazarus so much, that he had wept upon the confirmation of his death. He then went to the tomb where Lazarus lie and resurrected him.

Note how the singer refers to the subject as a "Lazarus drug." When you think of a drug, you think either of something meant to treat an illness, or something meant to give someone a high. However, in this case, I think it's both.

Meg Washington said the following in an interview with ABC's (Australia) Double J radio station:

"'Lazarus Drug' is a song about love and euphoria and revival. It's really just an ode to whatever it is in your life – or my life – that makes you feel like rising up and floating in the middle of the air and splitting into light beams of happiness. "Writing this song was really special for me, because every time I sing it I feel the same way that I felt when I wrote it. I really wanted to make something that sounded like how we can make each other feel if we try very hard to share love."

The subject of the song is a loving, caring figure. You could even argue that they are a Christlike figure. The love and compassion that they extend to the singer not only heals their pain, but makes them feel high, as illustrated in these lyrics a few lines later.

And when you make A perfect circle in the sky I get so high I get so high I'm like a planet And I can't come down Oh, I can't come down

The next verse begins like this:

You are an angel And when you weep, the heavens rain I am a mermaid, eating at the sushi train

The "mermaid at the sushi train" metaphor is kind of up in the air, but I believe it might once again be highlighting the singer's selfishness.

Like, why would a mermaid be eating sushi? Why would she be eating her little fishy friends? Like imagine if Ariel was advertising frozen fishsticks... Oh wait...

It seems like a metaphor for thinking more about your own hunger rather than the needs of those you're meant to care for.

We sort of see this in both Bandit and Rad's subplots in "The Sign."

Bandit gets this high-paying new job in another city. He's going to have to uproot his family's life and take them away from the people they love and care about in Brisbane. However, Bandit doesn't really seem to consider too much how this might emotionally affect Bluey and Bingo. The way he sees it, he's doing the right thing. He believes he's guaranteeing a bright and comfy future for the Heeler family. He means well, of course. But in this case he's being so short-sighted that he doesn't seem to really take his family's feelings into account.

Likewise, Rad plans to move himself and Frisky out west after their wedding... Except that he didn't bother bringing this up to Frisky herself. His motives were arguably even more self-centered and short-sighted. He didn't bother asking Frisky how uprooting her own life would affect her. He just... assumed he could just smooth it over after the wedding. (I love you Rad, but... dick move, man. Dick move.)

But when you look in me With language in your eyes I get so high I get so high I'm like a planet And I can't come down

When the singer stops and looks at the subject, gazing into her eyes without needing to say a word, that "Lazarus drug high" comes back. She realizes that she's not in it alone. That there's people around her that love her and care for her, and they matter just as much as she does.

When Rad finally catches up to Frisky at the Lookout, they have this moment:

Now at surface level "I know you like it here" could just be referring to the Lookout, since it's one of Frisky's favorite places. But on a deeper level, I think we can tell what this really means. It's referring to Brisbane. You can even see the city in the background here.

Rad finally wakes up and realizes how much Frisky's home means to her. Neither one of them has to say a word about Brisbane for us to know that Rad's had a change of heart about moving. The way they look at each other during this scene speaks volumes.

Likewise, there's... the moment.

Moving day.

I feel it in the morning I feel how low it lies And then I hear you calling And then I start to rise I feel it in the morning I feel how low it lies And then I hear you call my name And then I start to rise

The Heeler house is all packed up in boxes, and the family is getting into the car to leave their driveway for the final time.

But just as Bandit's about to get in the driver's seat, he stops to answer a call from Bucky, letting him know that the Sheepdogs decided at the last minute not to buy the Heeler house.

After the call ends, Bandit walks over to peel the "SOLD" sticker off the "For Sale" sign.

He then gazes back at his family waiting in the car. No words are exchanged. He just takes a moment to look into their eyes. He's reflecting on what this move will mean for them. He remembers all the sorrow Bluey and Bingo endured over the revelation.

And suddenly his eyes are opened to what really matters...

And when I hear you calling Like you were always there I rise until I'm hanging In the middle of the air

He grabs hold of the sign, pulling it with the strength of two Bandits.

And when I hear you calling I split like I'm a snake With golden light like fingers And then I start to break Into a billion pieces

And...

...YEET.

Oh, I shatter into constellations Like I've never been more here Like I completely disappear

The ego shatters. Bandit foregoes the self and realizes his oneness with his family. That they all matter. That what they have in Brisbane is beautiful.

Sure, he could assure himself a cushy high-paying job and ensure a "comfy" life for his family.

But his family was already comfortable. More than comfortable, even.

His preconceived notions of what a "good life" could be disappear, because he knows they already have a good life.

I'm nothingness, but shining And everywhere at once I'm everything and everyone who is or ever was

Now this line is particularly interesting to me.

In eastern spirituality, especially Buddhism, there's a concept of "emptiness." Basically nothing and no one exists purely in and of itself. "Everything and everyone who is or ever was" exists because of interconnections through other factors. There's no inherent "thing" or "self." We're all one.

The words "emptiness" and "nothingness" in our western mindset seems to denote a feeling of despair and sadness. I think this is why Meg chose to word it as "nothingness, but shining." In the eastern mindset, "nothingness" is something that is shining and beautiful. It's not a sense of loneliness, rather a sense that you are not alone.

Bluey isn't a stranger to incorporating eastern spiritual thought into its episodes. Probably the most famous example is the episode "Bumpy and the Wise Old Wolfhound," which is loosely based off the Buddhist story of Kisa Gotami. The episode "Hide and Seek" alludes to the practice of mindfulness meditation, which is a practice rooted in eastern traditions. You could even argue that the episode "Slide" has themes of Ahimsa, the eastern principle of nonviolence and not causing harm to other living things.

Even "The Sign" incorporates the Taoist parable of the Farmer, which teaches about accepting the unexpected of life, and not labelling anything as "fortunate" or "unfortunate."

I also personally see themes of the aforementioned principle of interconnectedness. The whole episode is basically a literal "butterfly effect." Every little thing, from Frisky leaving the wedding and the Heelers going to look for her, to Flappy (who originally appeared in "Slide." Oh wow, this goes deep!) flying into the Heelers' car, to Bluey finding a lucky coin, only for it to get stuck in the binoculars that the Sheepdogs later use to spot their new dream house... it all leads up to the ending.

The ending in and of itself can't really be labelled as a perfect happy ending, either. Bandit can no longer accept his new job, and will probably need to find new work in Brisbane. How will it go?

"We'll see."

And You're nothingness, but shining And everywhere at once You're everything, we're everyone who is or ever was, forever

The final lines are just a pronoun switch of the ones before them. This could be interpreted in multiple ways. The singer could be addressing the subject of the song, but she could also be addressing the listener.

The song ends on a reminder that we're all connected. We're affected by the circumstances we face, including the love we're shown by others. Likewise, the love we show others affects them and those around them.

Isn't that kind of one of the overarching messages of Bluey as a whole? How we treat others - our friends, our families, our children - goes a long, long way.

...

WHOO. That ended up being more of a ramble than I thought.

Anyway, I'm just calling this as I personally see it from my silly overthinking layperson perspective. You shouldn't by any means take what I say as gospel, but I do hope I've at least given you something to think about.

And, of course, feel free to share your own interpretations!

If you've made it to the end of this massive skyscraper of text, thank you so, so much. I love you. 💖

#bluey #the sign #bluey the sign #meg washington #lazarus drug #long post #shut up chelle

[ggadtomarry]

Head empty, just the Tomarry equivalent of this video (a parody of a nice kindergarten teacher taking care of horror movie children):

Some highlights:

Harry taking care of the horcruxes + Tom. They are all little kids.

"We don't like to use words such as psychopath, freak, insane, monster, evil, crazy, bad. They are very negative and abelist words which hurt. I personally prefer "empathetically challenged"

"Tom and the others need lots of positive reinforcement. So when they try to kill or steal something, it is time for a nap. When they are good kids, it is time to call them very special, amazing, stunning, incredible".

"Tom and the others unfortunately have lots of separation anxiety. They are so worried I will die, the poor angels. So I explain very clearly that I'm safe and that I'm now safer than ever, thanks to the recent lack of attempts on my life from dark Lords. Let's keep it this way, right, boys?"

"Tom gets really worried about death, sometimes. When it happens, I cuddle him and let him know he's safe and sound and protected. Also that wixen may turn in ghosts, if they don't like the idea of pass"

"sometimes they research on immortality. It's very harmless now, but I try to explain them that death is natural and they must focus on how they want to live, not on death. Also, we don't know what's behind death but for clearness I spun a tale about a very naughty boy who got broken down into pieces because of his insane research for immortality and was damned to pass eternity as a suffering baby. I think they got the message "

"also, they could create the philosopher's stone, if they apply their bright mind to alchemy instead of being naughty"

"they don't cry, like never. But I know they still like being held and cuddled because direct skin to skin contact does wonders to one's mental health"

"sometimes they have intrusive thoughts about doing bad things. I explain that intrusive thoughts aren't what they really are, they are just thoughts. When they happen, instead of acting on them they should tell me all about them. So they see I still love them and want to give them cookies."

"sometimes they get in a fight because they are in that phase. The phase where they want to marry their caregiver. I calmly tell them they shouldn't fight, I love them all equally. Recently I've found a marriage proposal where they ask me to live with them all forever. See? Learning to share! I call it progress"

"since they discovered I'm an half blood, they decided that half bloods are the best of the best and are so proud they are, too"

"since they discovered some purebloods hurt me, they decided to hunt down purebloods. I explained you can't judge a whole group of people for the actions of a few. So they swore they will hunt just the ones who hurt me. So much progress!"

"when we play 'what we will be as a grown up', we end up with them being ministers of magic and me being their husband and the pet snakes being our children. They dream of a stable job and family! So proud of them!"

"we have very nice pet snakes who are their bffs. Lots of fun with snakes! They like to pet and cuddle them and let them sleep in the beds. Oh, also watch them hunting for preys! Such an healthy interest in nature!"

"they asked me why I took them in. They can't repay me, at the moment. I explained I took them in because it was the right thing to do and I kept them because I love them very much. They decided love is a wonderful powerful amazing thing"

"Every day a different kid gifts me with a wonderful drawing. They are so talented!! Also the hearts, snakes and 'i love you forever Harry" are such a nice touch"

#tom riddle #lord voldemort #harry potter #tomarry #platonic tomarry #Youtube

[tatertotcosmonaut]

I hope I didn't mistake you for someone else, but I think you're the other mutual I have who's into JJK, right? I only have two mutuals who reads JJK ahahahha. So it should be you...

Have ya read the (albeit terribly-translated) leaks for C248 yet? Thoughts?

Yes I am the other JJK mutual lol, you weren’t mistaken! I have read the leaks, but I usually wait till TCB scanlations and then official translations (although I hate official translations, John Werry really needs to be replaced) so I can compare them and come to a conclusion about my thoughts.

I’m a bit more ready to negatively criticize JJK than most, but I do so because I know Gege is capable of really good writing. Shibuya is one of the best written arcs I’ve seen, and the philosophy and themes aren’t new but they are written in ways that are intriguing to me.

Sukuna is one of my favorite characters, but the mass Sukuna v. Everyone fight has steadily become more and more boring to me. There’s only so many times I can be “off the edge of my seat” with constant deaths and death scares and “Sukuna defeat” close calls before I just become blasé to it. I was expecting there to be many deaths (it is a war after all), I was expecting Sukuna to be difficult (He is known as the most powerful sorcerer for a reason), but it feels less like a battle of tension and cunning and more close to levels of “last season of Game of Thrones” writing (although not nearly as egregious, Gege is still a competent writer and he clearly is trying to tie this up as best as he can).

The Kenjaku v Takaba fight is, no joke, one of my favorite fights in the series. I think it’s a wonderful display of how cunning Sorcerers need to be whilst showing the creativity of the power system Gege has made. And I think that’s what I feel is missing from the Sukuna fight, or is steadily disappearing. Sukuna is meant to be cunning, he’s meant to be smart, but it feels less like he’s winning because he’s cunning and more because he’s winning because well…Gege needs him to for tension reasons.

The court room fight is a good example of this. Lord I would’ve loved to see Sukuna utilize his intelligence to overcome Higuruma’s domain, it would’ve been much more satisfying than Sukuna getting that one weapon confiscated and the whole fight just ending in like 4 panels and that’s that.

I also will be majorly rankled if Kenjaku is actually dead and gone. There is no reason they should be as Kenjaku, the person that prepared for this whole debacle for over 800 years, is much more cunning than to just be killed by a decapitation. I think it’s fair to say that Kenjaku is the main overarching villain, none of this would be happening if it wasn’t for them, nor would Sukuna be here either. To kill then off as if they were some dumb goon obstacle boss would be an insult to their character. Kenjaku’s connections to the Heian era, to Tengen, to Yuuji and Choso, is too valuable for them to just be gone.

Anyways, I’m intrigued to see where this will go and what Sukuna will do know that he has the ability to go forward with the Merger. Although I’m confused on why he would even bother doing that or what interest he would have in that.

I’m also interested to see where Gege is trying to go when it comes to themes of love, power, and loneliness when it comes to Sukuna. The theme of “it is lonely to be at the top” is budding into something intriguing, which is why I think Sukuna is fascinating to me. I don’t care to much about his fights, and more of him as a philosophical figure, because he his quite philosophical in and outside of fights. His ending conversation with Kashimo was quite cool. He also can’t stop being very homoerotic towards the enemies he fights and defeats. It’s funny to see hm having fun and being satisfied by an opponent and then being sent into a philosophical crisis over human emotion.

Also I am always fascinated by Gojo fans absolute hope in Gojo coming back. I think this chapter sent them into more of a fervor, I am rooting for them it would be funny to see honestly.

#jjk 248 #jjk leaks #jjk spoilers

[moriartyluver]

FALSE LOVERS CHAPTER XVI

"I ACCEPT YOUR REQUEST" A harmonious voice asked from the other side of the wooden grid in the abandoned chapel's confession stall. "Are you prepared for anything, even if it means losing your life?"

Another consultation.

"of course! Cough. In any case, my body's been taken over by illness, and I won't last much longer. I merely have one wish.." The middle aged man managed to cough out. "And if this'll make that man suffer and get a taste of hell on earth...then I'll gladly give up my life!"

"I'll send you word of the plan at a later time," William responded "until then, wait for my instructions."

"We found this man through Fred's information network but what do you think? Can we trust him?" Sebastian asked while they sat in the carriage with (name) sat beside William.

Ever since her parents visit, she had been acting strange. The other had seen her as a ticking time bomb. She had managed to put up a facade on the last day of her parents' visit of being completely fine and happy, even though the grand duke and duchess still felt guilty for bringing up such a topic at such a cheerful dinner. She was also avoiding the other members of the team (Fred and Moran had heard about the disastrous dinner from Josephine) and especially william after their encounter in the bedroom, which she had seen to be a mere mistake and on the day of their anniversary, she had stayed in her bedroom the entire day, planning her own schemes as of a spark had been relit in for her desire to dissolve the British empire.

Of course she would still interact with the others but it had seemed that all she was now was some sort of machine who only spoke of work or business related affairs. Even when William had told (name) he had recommended her to work at Durham university to cheer her up, after two year of trying to get a job as a professor and then giving up, she had only reacted plainly, thanking him as though he had meant nothing to her. To everyone this seemed reasonable but William was especially curious regarding the death of Arden, considering (name) had caused it yet was upset about it all the same.

(Name) couldn't have cared less about Arden's death though. She had massacred so many people during that time period that she had somehow numbed herself to the feeling of grief of guilt. She wouldn't have felt guilt anyways, this was all for the sake of avenging her deceased brother.

That particular evening, she wished her parents  hadn't mentioned anything. Of course, they were worried for her but all it had done was being back unpleasant memories and guilt she had tried to bury. William was the only person she knew who could distract her from such. Their not-quite-a-friendship in university had meant a lot to her despite not admitting it because whether it be heated Philosophical debates, study sessions or chess matches, the presence of the blond had always helped her forget whatever had troubled her.

"He has a rather powerful grudge against that noble. However the noble is so well guarded that he can't even get to him which is why he is despairing.." (name) spoke

Viscount Arden, Theodore Arden's father, wasn't as well guarded, she thought. Still, with her lack of experience at the time when it came to scheming and crime, (name) had used the man she was courting to her advantage.

Each night after every little rendezvous between the 'couple', (name) would, after she would cause Theodore to fall asleep and once she had slipped out of his arms, look around his manor. During the first of these few secret meetings, (name) had gathered enough blackmail, which she had prepared in case Scotland Yard, (or worse, the government) questioned her regarding the soon to be deaths of not only Viscount Arden, but his children and wife too. It was a small price to pay for her brother.

It's not like he would approve though. (Brother's name) was always a kind person, a pacifist, a boy who helped those in need and would never kill another or even think an unkind thought about anyone.

She clenched her fists.

It was unfair. It was so unjust that such a good person was removed from this world all because of this damn empire. If she could sacrifice herself to bring him back in her place, she would. (Brothers name) should have been the heir. (Brothers name) should have attended university. (Brothers name) should have lived instead of her.

Even after all the people she had killed, she still felt no satisfaction.

"Indeed...His death is so close and it's filling him with loneliness. He has no attachment to this world aside from his desire for revenge." William said as he looked over at (name), who looked back, almost as if they were non verbally communicating. It was as if he was wondering if (name) was in fact the same. He had found in his research that may have been the case. "we can trust those kinds of people."

"Is that so.." The dark haired man rested his arm on his seat "and that Holmes man or whatever he's called.. if it looks like he'll become a problem, tell me. I'll kill him any time."

(Name)'s face had a short flicker of a frown on it, but she promptly returned to her neutral expression as she tore her gaze away from William and back to the late night scenery outside the window.

"Thank you, Moran but wait a little bit longer. I have a plan."

As William and (name) had expected, the plan was indeed a success in revealing the sort of man Sherlock Holmes, the worlds only consulting detective, was.

William turned to his wife as she kept her hand on his arm "Our audition has definitely borne fruit, hasn't it (name)?"

(Name) gave william a curt nod as they walked through Baker Street, watching as a crowd surrounded 221B where sherock Holmes resided and was currently standing outside of wearing a deerstalker hat and cloak alongside another man she couldn't recognise but knew of as Arthur Conan Doyle, or John Watson.

"An expected success.." she whispered

William titled his top hat "The test we had set up to see he had the certain qualities needed whether or not he was the type of man who would stop at nothing to reach his success."

"Even with the promise of information on all of us, he still didn't go along with Hope's preposition." Moran sighed in confusion

"Based on your calculations of Holme's commitment to satisfy his curiosity, there was a 60% chance he would kill Hope." Louis said as they all walked down a mysterious alleyway.

"And yet he didn't go through with it..." Josephine muttered under her breath

"we don't shy away from doing anything to get what we want but he does," uttered Fred quietly "So does that mean he's the person we're looking for?"

"His deduction skills are definitely irreproachable but surely, your plan didn't account for him turning into 'master detective Sherlock Holmes' overnight, did it (nickname), Will?" Although the smog and mist seemed to be enveloping the group, (name) could sense Albert's smirk.

"From now on we shall be the ones to put an end to the evil demons of the privileged classes that cannot be handled by the yard or our justice system..." William lifted his hat off his head with a swoop "..And mr holmes will solve the incidents and convey to the world the depravity of those nobles..He is just a man who will bring light onto the shadows of the world..

..Sherlock Holmes."

"(Name)? You've been here all day.." a soft voice called out to her.

"I found this one book on Pythagoras' most influential mathematics theories..I've been distracted since." A small (name) responded as the boy sat beside her. "Besides, I've been terribly bored as of late."

The older boy chuckled as he sat beside his sister, leaning against the bookshelf in the largest library of the grand dukedom. There were multiple others, but this one was alway both of their favourites

He took the book out of her hand with a gentle smile, but (name) couldn’t see his face. It was a blur.

"Hey! I was reading that!" (Name) frowned

(Brothers name) flipped through the pages, skimming them as his fading face managed to hold various different expressions, some of confusion, others of understanding.

"Mother and father did tell you that you should rest, didn't they? In fact, to quote mother, I should 'take whatever book you're reading and eat a page in front of you' if that's what it takes for you to rest for the first time in your life."  He said, shutting the book then handing it back to her, patting her head whilst she glared at him "Of course, I could never do that to my little sister, but they are right, you know. You're only 8 years old and you've already read all the fiction books in all 4 of the libraries and father caught you sneaking into his office to read some ancient political documents for (home country)"

The (hair colour)-ette pouted childishly. Only with (brothers name) did she ever feel the freedom to act in such a manner.

"But I like reading!"

"So do I, but you don't catch me reading books 24/7," her brother looked at her irritated expression with a smile "Then again, you're probably the smartest (last name) there is, and that's certainly saying something. You're bound to get bored at some point. I do wish you would use that brain for good."

"You're intelligent too, idiot." (Name) said as she rested her head on his shoulder

"That's quite the contradictory statement"

"That's quite the contradictory facial structure."

The brunette gasped dramatically and placed a hand to his chest "I'll have you know there are multiple girls waiting in line to court me!" They were both joking as siblings do, though. The 18 year old was actually well sought after in (home country) and even other countries.

(Name) rolled her (eye colour) eyes"I think they should all see optometrists."

(Brothers name) couldn't even bring himself to be upset at that point. He let out a strange sort of choked laugh that sounded as though he were a hyena, or like someone was rubbing two balloons together.

"Touché, touché," he managed to say as he wiped a tear from his eye.

"Did mother send you after me?" (Name) asked curiously. She had skipped an etiquette lesson that day and she hoped her mother would allow her to brush it off. It's not like she was impolite anyways. Her mentality was that if she smiled and used big words, her etiquette would be fine.

"Nope. Your governess didn't mention anything to her. I think she might be sick of you," (brothers name) said as he stood up and placed a fallen book back in its designated place. "They are right when they say you should use your intellect for good, you know. You just seem to absorb it all and then hoard it like a goblin."

"Look who's talking..!"

"You know what I mean though," he said, stifling another laugh "Mother and father don't want to boost your ego to become larger than it already is but you are their pride and joy. The little gem of (home country). I saw a letter coming from the United Kingdom make its way into fathers office the other day. It had their Queen's seal on it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a request to make you into a Princess there."

(Name) grimaced "Ew no! I'm only 8! I cant even tie my shoelaces!" She made an obnoxious gaging noise "How would I even marry a prince who's probably wayyy older than me. The nerve of that queen! Her husband died only a few years ago and now she wants to arrange me to marry one of her sons!"

"Father would never allow it. Mother would much rather burn down Buckingham palace than sell you off to them." He continued "After all they've done to (home country)..."

She saw her brother clench his fist. She had never seen him angry before. To (name), he was a peaceful boy, she was always a bit more of the problem child. He could occasionally be protective of her, but that was because she was her older brother. Unknown to her, 9 year old (brother's name) had promised from the day (name) was born, to protect his little sister no matter what.

"Aren't you off to study there in a few months?" (Name) asked

He nodded "Next month is your birthday and then three months afterwards, I'm taking a ship there to study at Oxford. Study hard, (name). Then we can go together."

"But I'm a bit too young—"

He kneeled down to his sister, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eye "(name), for you, age won't matter in getting into university. Nor will your gender..it may be difficult but knowing you, you get everything you put your mind to. Besides, I over heard mother speaking to your mathematics tutor, he said he thinks you'll be able to study alongside other university student by the time you're 16, and you'll finish in half the time needed. There's no need to worry...just study hard and use that brain to become great, if not for yourself then for me."

She nodded, a determined smile on her face.

"For you, brother."

"(Name)...wake up.."  She heard a soft voice call out to her as she was gently shook awake.

Her eyes slowly opened. She could feel a little teardrop fall onto the paper her face was rested again. She lifted her head up to see William sat beside her in the candle light along with the new unarmed kitten sleeping on her lap. (Name) rubbed at the small ink stain on her cheek.

"Has the morning come already..?"

He shook his head and then gestured to the door with a head tilt.

By the door frame, (name) could make out four people stood with only the lamp illuminating their features. She winced then rubbed her eyes again. Fred was there alongside Moran and Josephine and Louis who was holding the lamp behind them.

"I...I have information for you...Lord William, Lady (name).." Fred stuttered out

(Name) raised a brow. If it was a normal mission or request, Fred would usually arrive in the morning. From the sky that (name) could see in the overhead glass windows, it was still night. This must have been urgent and based on the expressions each of them held, it was.

"Fred," William smiled reassuringly "Take your time and start from the beginning."

The boy lifted his eyes from the floor and looked at the two at the desk. "Y-Yes, sir! From what I’ve heard, the children were taken to Dartmoor..I fear that the manhunts are still going on..!”

“Dartmoor? Enders’ old hunting ground..?” (Name) repeated. Ah, someone else must have started going on manhunts in his stead.

Fred nodded “What’s worse is that these monsters are kidnapping defenceless children from the slums for to murder for their own entertainment! The yard won’t care if a few of them disappeared, they’re only encouraging these blood thirsty nobles to continue their hunt..!”

(Name)’s eyes widened. This was possibly more extreme than most of the missions they had done. Most of the time, they would only target a single aristocrat at a time but this clearly involved more people. And from the way Fred, who was usually so calm and quiet, was getting heated, it showed the urgency of the situation.

“It’s not right!! They think of commoners as less than human…and decide they can do as they please with us!!”

William put a hand to his chin in thought then dropped it down to his lap “I see…thank you for the information, Fred.”

“So..someone is continuing Ender’s barbarous manhunt..?” (Name) thought aloud, still half asleep

“Fred..your role to cause a collapse of the class system,” William said “is to collect information and make sure I never do the same thing twice, correct?”

William had read him like a book.

“n-not at all, sir..I know this information is useless—“

“It’s not useless at all,” the blond interrupted “I have always been doing what I can to be of help to all of the people I meet. However, to eradicate all of these devils at once, we must destroy the foundation they’re standing on, the class system so that no more evil like them can take root. H the class system of britain is nothing but a curse. In order to destroy it, we must have the people question its very existence. The method we’ve chosen to reveal this wickedness is through crimes.” William clenched his fist “Yes indeed, to reach one’s goal, one must be prepared to make sacrifices. The evil we have committed in order to destroy this class system may never disappear, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay to eradicate these devils.”

“Lord William..”

“If the law and the police won’t judge that evil…then only another evil can do so..” a strange feeling of deja vu washed over (name) as William spoke. “We will be that evil, these manhunts need not to continue any longer.”

“S-sir!” Fred exclaimed in surprise

“The carriage will come at dawn, we will need to be quick if we want to catch it. I shall join you.”

(Name) finally spoke up “I’m coming too.” She insisted.

William gave her a hesitant nod as he continued “Go make preparations quickly if necessary.”

“Understood sir!”

As the four left the two in the office, Fred went ahead, almost excited, as he went to make preparations.

“We’re preparing for another job then,” Louis said

“Yeah..and right at dawn too..” Moran trailed off, looking down at Fred hurrying down the stairs. “Fred always thought of William as some sort of bigger than life existence..though, I suppose we all have quite an unusual relationship, don’t we?”

Louis and Josephine nodded simultaneously. The latter knew she would probably have to stay behind this time around. (Name) had forbidden her from going on missions that may be too visceral for her to handle. Josephine had easily figured out that it was because (name) seemed to worry about her so much, even though she thought (name) should be worrying about herself and her poor habits. It was likely because of her previous experiences in the poorer parts of london and her experience with Ashfordshire. She would never complain, but sometimes she felt the deep desire to be by her saviour’s side, just to be of use to her so she could repay her for all she had done for her.

“Yes..although William can be quite distant sometimes..”. Louis muttered “So I think I can understand how Fred was feeling..”

“That feeling of not being able to do repay your benefactor..” the brunette agreed “it’s familiar..”

Moran looked at the two in disbelief “come on, you two! You’re exaggerating!” The both looked at him with a serious look “Jesus! Every one of you!”

He looked at Louis “look, you’re not like Fred, you and William are brothers! You’ve no need to act reserved around him!” He then turned to Josephine “and you..! (Name) practically treats you like you’re her daughter or something..! Just tell ‘em both what you want to say..!”

Louis looked up in thought “Perhaps I should..”

Things didn’t seem as easy for Josephine though, she and (name) weren’t biologically related and she was still her subordinate . With the way (name) was acting recently, she felt it would be best if she kept her distance. She felt a little hurt that her mistress couldn’t turn to her now when she seemed so troubled. She nodded and left to her chambers to take care of the manor whilst the others were gone on their mission.

“Indeed! Well, see you in a bit then!”

A/N: icl this chapter was kinda dead. Deader than fls brother. Fl needs to stop self sabotaging ong. Also I hope the sibling dynamic between fl and her brother is actually realistic because I’m sick of siblings written by only children and they call each other “sis” or “bro” unironically. As someone with four siblings we just call each other insults lol

#moriarty the patriot #william james moriarty #william moriarty #william moriarty x reader #—false lovers 💋 #mtp william #yuukoku no moriarty #yuukoku no moriarty x reader #moriarty the patriot x reader

[kafkaoftherubble]

185.2章：放下？还是压抑？可贺，抑或可悲？

// Chapter 185.2: Detachment v. Repression

This ramble concerns To Your Eternity manga Chapter 185.2. It is edited from a conversation between (yea you guessed it) @bestbonnist and me after the chapter dropped before I had to hastily run off because sorry gotta see shits with my Besto Furrendo! Lisan al-Ghaib! Lisan al-Ghaib!!!

Although this chapter is devoid of hype moments—unlike C184.1 where plenty of us were sent into a frenzy— and good old macabre, this is genuinely one of my favorite chapters to date.

Because it became a really nice philosophical discussion between friends. Sounds a tad cheesy when I say it like that...

(1) Two Different Perspectives on Fushi's Latest State of Mind

Ray expressed dismay that Fushi's coping mechanism seems to gave become even more terrible because they are essentially repressing their emotions. They are telling themself not to feel anything and to be detached. In the Wish Era, Fushi seemed to have become more resigned to their fate, which became starkly apparent when contrasted by the Doll and Andy's loud, outward desire to see Abel live.

That dismal observation actually stunned me—because I happened to see this development in a positive light. What better state of mind should Fushi aspire to attain apropos to their immortality... if not a state of non-attachment? After all, if they don't learn to be so, then the sheer impermanence of life will torment them forever. To me, non-attachment—or in a more English-natural manner of speaking, detachment—is a goal worthy of pursuing, even if it is often fraught with erratic instances such as mistaking "repressing one's emotions" as similar to "being genuinely unperturbed."

----

(2) The Benefits of Attachment

In this story's universe, attachment keeps a person's faie (their soul) around.

Hence, to Ray, Fushi's loss of attachment implies their death (which I agree is a reasonable projection for the end of this story). When they no longer have anything to do—no goal—then it is time for them to move on.

But more than that, there's this other thing Ray is worried about. The manga asked whether Fushi is human, especially in its earlier exploration. Whether they think they are human. Therefore, it's hard to see Fushi's detachment as anything other than dehumanizing themself ("I'm not human so I don't deserve to be attached/feel bad when people I care about die.") It's one step to Fushi's progression into becoming a deity at the expense of their humanity.

This prospect is upsetting because they wanna see Fushi leave as a human being, as someone who dies after living a satisfying life like Yuuki did.

Ray also argued that there's a difference between acceptance and detachment. "Acceptance is acknowledging that something is out of your control and acknowledging that the way you feel about that." To them, Fushi seemed to have acknowledged that something was out of their control, but they hadn't yet acknowledged their feelings toward it.

Then, they conceded that while Fushi was frank about being pained by people leaving, ultimately, the dude seemed deadset on trying to ignore that pain altogether. "Fushi isn't good at being 'above' feeling things!"

I agree with this. Of course, they aren't! One of Fushi's powers is supernatural empathy. They can't ignore the sensation of pain or (occasionally) love in their vicinity even if they try. Feeling shit is what they do, willingly or not. And from an emotional connection like that, one easily forms attachments.

---

(3) The Common Error: Mistaking Detachment with Apathy

Strangely, at that point in our conversation, it became clear that Ray thought Fushi should not be detached because it stops them from accepting death—while I think Fushi should learn to be detached because it helps them to accept death. Same destination, but different ways of assessing detachment as a path.

Now, of course, when I use the term "detachment" or "non-attachment" (preferred), I'm once again drawing it from a Buddhist philosophical perspective. Because dude, it's me, 睿得失。You fucking signed up for this the moment you talk to me, bwaahhahahahaha!

Even Buddhists, born and raised, often make the mistake of conflating "equanimity," which non-attachment encourages, with "apathy."

One of the four sublime qualities (brahmavihārā), equanimity (upekkhā) is the state of being unwavering and unperturbed even in the face of loss and gain [1], good-repute and ill-repute, praise and censure, and sorrow and happiness. Its far enemies—as in, its direct contrasting vices—are greed and resentment. But its near enemy—the quality mendaciously close to equanimity—is apathy.

[1] Just a little aside: this is why I joked that Fushi should take up my self-given Chinese name in our conversation. 睿得失 means "being wise (about one's) gain and loss." The hope of attaining some semblance of upekkha is built into the name already.

Plenty of people think being detached means being uncaring and indifferent, and that it has some elements of dehumanization to it—be it to other people or to yourself. But it's not. Being detached is to keep a balance between concern and coercion. It's expressing compassion while being mindful not to conflate your genuine care with your desire to will things and people to bend to the state or situation you wanted.

Fushi and us mortals could easily realize one fact about life: it is truly impermanent. The desire to impose our will on the universe—as if there is some supernatural feature to our will that can influence things to happen—is a source of agitation. Life doesn't bend to our will; it indifferently stays impermanent even when we demand it to be permanent in some sort of personal bliss.

In Buddhist thought, it's our actions and intentions that impart changes. Our will (and our demanding desires) don't. We'll revisit this in our 5th Chapter later.

In other words! Contrary to Ray's interpretation, I see being detached not as imposing a limit on your compassion but liberating it from constraints. Now that you're detached, your mode of compassion is centered around the situation and people as they are, not as you hope them to be. True compassion asks for nothing in return—not because you suppress your demands, but because you genuinely have none to begin with.

----

(4) Fushi's Laudable Baby Steps

What really made me think that Fushi had grown here was their insistence that whether Abel lives or dies is "his decision to make."

Not Fushi's, despite their god-like powers. Not Doll or Andy, despite their love and attachment to Abel. It's Abel's choice. All Fushi can do is to accept whatever the man says—and that acceptance is only possible if they begin practicing detachment. After all, attachment results in the reactions Doll and Andy expressed.

To me, Fushi is taking a step in the right direction already. This is the kind of wisdom I think an immortal, most of all, should gradually pick up (I also think mortals like us should, too, but that's beside the point).

Here is where I think Ray's criticisms warrant merits in my interpretation: Actually practicing detachment/non-attachment is hard as fuck. I wouldn't deny that though it doesn't make you an apathetic non-human, you're not gonna be very normal-humanlike if you manage to be equanimous either. While learning to be detached, one often takes up a lot of problematic tactics and mistakes it to be detachment.

One such misguided tactic? Suppression of emotions. You force yourself to pretend you're not feeling anything instead of facing them and realizing their falsity while believing you're being detached. So Ray's concerns are completely warranted, because I don't believe Fushi has consummated their learning either. They wouldn't have lied about the massacre if they were really that detached.

Repressing your emotion, as a tactic, is wrong, but it is the hallmark of someone who's trying to get there, especially when you compound it with the philosophy Fushi was articulating. They care. But they are also being clear-eyed about the limits of their demand.

I don't think they seem resigned here. I think they are being wise. Baby steps, and their method is imperfect, but good nonetheless.

----

(5) Yuuki the GOAT and His Biggest W Yet

Fushi grappled with wanting to impose their will to make others live as long as they in the Modern Arc, right? That's one of their biggest and most constant sources of dukkha (dissatisfaction/suffering). But Yuuki's satisfying death and life... actually steered him in the right direction!

Fushi didn't come to earn detachment because of some horrible, tragic death turning them jaded and cynical. They learned because Yuuki's life and death were that fucking good.

Learning philosophy from pain is all well and good. It is usually how people learn it (few would give a fuck about existentialism or Buddhist philosophy or stoicism or what-have-you if they weren't in a personal crisis). But learning philosophy from joy is a whole other thing. Whatever you learned from that instance has no hint of jadedness and cynicism to corrupt your thinking; it's like making a decision when you're at the most optimal state.

This is Yuuki's victory. He influenced and taught Fushi without giving him pain or trauma to live by. He was not some main character of a tragedy despite outwardly looking like a bumbling normie.

Think about it: none of the Immortals who were attached to Fushi, until now, had been capable of influencing and teaching them without accidentally leaving some grief, pain, and trauma!

Why does Fushi take on Yuuki's form so much lately—if not because Yuuki is the only one who managed to teach them without the use of pain or trauma or anything like that?

And as Ray pointed out, Yuuki was the form embodying "Peace." Even his death was offscreen and peaceful. On a bed, unpoisoned and unhurt. Fushi remembers him constantly because he makes them feel at ease.

"It's our actions and intentions that impart changes," that was what I mentioned in Chapter 3 of this long-ass ramble. Here it is exemplified. People inherit the fruits of other people's actions (and you yourself are one of those who will inherit your own actions, too). And well? These are the fruits of Yuuki's actions that Fushi continues to reap even now.

That's how complete Yuuki's W is. He managed to leave just the kind of food for thought for an Immortal that eventually set them up to grasp the kind of wisdom they lacked. Who says the Modern Arc has no lessons?

----

(6) Conclusion, or The Abrupt Ending of a Conversation

As you can tell, I really don't think Fushi's latest development is bad. Bittersweet and a bit of a mixed bag, sure, but I ultimately think it's commendable rather than worrisome. Of course, my ass interpreting things through a Buddhist lens has a lot to do with it, but brutha, this is exactly my niche! You should have seen me talk about non-self vis-a-vis Fushi in a YouTube comment section!

Ray did leave this paragraph that had eluded me because, again, the Muaa'dib was calling me and I really gotta go:

"I have a potential counter-argument for you, which is about how Fushi's ideal person to follow is kind of a mix of Yuuki (as you explained) and Kahaku (bag of mess and you haven't read that part of the present era anyways), which is putting the concept of detachment together with a really selfish kind of selflessness (as we talked about). But I'm not clear on whether that's still there after their fight with the left hand. I feel like it's lingering a little but I haven't seen much evidence for it in the wish era."

Now, I don't really know what that whole bit was like because I didn't actually read all of the Modern Arc—just the latter half. But again, "detachment" and "self-lessness" are complementary and forward-feeding to one another in Buddhist Philosophy, so on this concept alone, I don't see a clash.

I should probably clarify what Ray's "selfish kind of selflessness" meant here, but... I'm kinda tired now. And I've briefly touched on this in my essay about... Gojo Satoru, goddamn it.

Or maybe Ray should explain it themself! I distinctly remember someone owing me like, 3 essays or something. I'm such a kindhearted person I'm willing to give them a discount and accept just one essay for this week, though. Don't squander it, you!

Thank you for reading my ramble.

----

Did you enjoy this? If yes, wouldn't it be really fucking cool if you get to read essays and commentaries like these, alongside fanfic and fanart and other interesting bits, in one place?!

BECAUSE! We are thinking of starting a To Your Eternity zine! It's merely in its Interest Check phase, but you gotta fill this form up so we can see just how many people in our modest little fandom want this! Be a supporter or a contributor, it don't matter at this stage! Support is the currency here!

#Honestly even before I started writing this I wonder if I *should* ahahhah #Yesterday it seemed like a really prime essay material! #Today? Suddenly call its meaningfulness into question ahahhahaha #But man this work deserves a lot more essays than it's actually getting. It's sad that it doesn't even have enough! WE NEED TO REMEDY THIS! #Me trying to fill the void is truly a 蜀中无大将 廖化作先锋 moment. “An underqualified person answering a call because there's no one better.” #or in Jujutsu Kaisen parlance: I'm fucking Kusakabe holy SHIT #AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO SAY “Throughout heaven and earth I am alone"........... #.....until I'm attending a convention as a TYE fan #fumetsu no anata e #to your eternity #tye #fushi #fnae #manga spoilers #Wish Era #buddhism #yes a buddhism tag because fuck it. This is a lecture in and of itself!

[viridiave]

so Octopath 1 is still really good

After having played through (almost) all of both Octopath games somehow I'm feeling nostalgic about the first game already

Octopath Traveler 2 delivered on all its promises of more interaction between the travelers - down to the battle quotes they have, acknowledging each others' help and contributions. The stories especially are improved upon so much that it's actually kind of amazing to see just how seriously Square Enix took the criticism from the first game!

But I also still just like to look back on the first game and the stories that I loved and with that overly long intro it's time for me to rant about my top 4 picks for the stories from the first game lET'S GO

There's actually a LOT that I love about the first game's stories even as they're contrasted by the stories of the second but I only have real thoughts about these top 4 picks - SPOILERS! FULL STEAM AHEAD!

4) Cyrus Albright (or, when static characters fucking rock when their philosophies are given generous nuance)

Starting from the bottom of these top 4 is Cyrus's story - but honestly the gap between his story and the bottom half of all 8 stories is pretty damn huge

I'll admit right away that Cyrus's Chapter 4 has elevated his story in my eyes over the others, but as far as I'm aware his story's climax is one that most of the fandom can agree is one of the peak moments of the first game. His passion and philosophy for education had everything going for it in terms of set-up and atmosphere and - can we like? Talk about the Ruins of Eld???

A secret, ruined library filled with tomes lost to history. Tables and chairs scattered in rooms like it was meant to be some sort of school once. And here's Cyrus - a professor with a deep love of history and knowledge, walking among its walls and witnessing for himself just how much was hidden from the world. How must this man feel, walking into this beautiful Eden filled of Trees of Knowledge. With its walls decorated with warnings of death, doom, and destruction. Knowing that the end of his journey is at the heart of this paradise.

Cyrus's story in my opinion is fucking amazing at telling us who he is, and this final dungeon is the culmination of that - down to the atmosphere of his dungeons. It doesn't start at Chapter 4 though, I'd argue it starts all the way from Chapter 1 - which I have. A very intense love-hate relationship with solely because of Therese - but it's just actually really good? It just frustrates the shit out of me is all

But Chapter 1 tells us that Cyrus is a teacher. It tells us that he's a really GOOD teacher, who is passionate about his profession and is beloved by his students for both his patience and his good looks. He's incredibly dense to that second part, and his colleagues understand that but it doesn't stop them from holding a grudge against him. He loves books and the idea of knowledge being free to all and is, in his own words, 'philosophically opposed' to the ideals of his superiors. He is stupid with women and romance and people use this to their advantage. He is incredibly forgiving towards his student who literally tried to ruin his life by accusing him of pedophilia and doesn't understand that she did it because she wants to hop on his dick.

And Cyrus is like this for the entirety of his story - a sort of static character that's really just on a journey to return a library book. Even then, just because his character doesn't develop (or at least in ways that would be immediately obvious to us), there's something to be said about the steadfastness of his personality despite all the atrocities that he encounters. Chapter 2 shows us what kind of people he trusts. Chapter 3 shows us his fury as a teacher who cares intensely for his students. Chapter 4, then, gives us Cyrus - raw, unfiltered, and passionate as he tears into Lucia for her egocentric and dangerous elitist views on education with both his words and his magic.

His story ends gloriously in a way that's very distinctly Cyrus. He comes across the terrible secrets hidden within the tome that he's been searching for all this time, wondering if even something as evil like this deserves to be shared with the rest of the world. Cyrus, the Scholar, says yes - if only so he could protect the bright future he sees for mankind. At the end of his story, he's back at the Academy to start working towards said future, starting his lecture with a TRULY great excerpt from Susanna Grotoff's Knowlegde is Light.

oh hey speaking of Susanna Grotoff!

3) H'aanit (or, simple stories are great actually! especially when the characters actually fucking matter!)

See, I'm one of the people who honestly did not mind the weirdass ye Olde English speech that permeates the bulk of H'aanit's story. I think it's a weird design choice, but I can deal with it. I feel like that's one of the reasons people really don't like H'aanit, or her story.

One of the other reasons I think people don't like her story too much is because it comes across as too simple - almost Tressa-esque in its depth, because when you boil it down H'aanit's story literally is just to hunt a monster. It's a veritable eldritch horror of a monster sure, but the game also doesn't really tell you what the true significance of this act is until you beat try beating its postgame that's structured like ass. It's a woman with a weird accent and a snow leopard hunting down a quarry.

But I'm a firm believer in 'just because stories are simple, doesn't necessarily mean they're bad or without substance', and though it doesn't have the same level of philosophy that elevates Cyrus's story from just 'guy trying to return a library book' - it more than makes up for it with the way it handles its characters.

H'aanit's story has bar none the best, most organic, and heartwarming character interactions in the game and I am VERY prepared to try and fight people on this. You don't have to go very far into her tale to see this - from the way that she speaks with Z'aanta and Eliza alone, you can form a pretty solid image in your head about what kinds of people they are. H'aanit is the straight-laced, stoic, yet socially-awkward apprentice to Z'aanta's eccentric and cheerful trickster mentor persona. Eliza balances them both out, being a responsible friend to Z'aanta and a laidback friend to H'aanit. In Chapter 2, we meet Natalia - and I realize Chapter 2 NPCs don't get a lot to them, but honestly I found Natalia to be the refreshing earnest everyman character in H'aanit's fairly noble quest of legendary quarries and lost masters. Natalia is a good friend to Z'aanta and is very kind to H'aanit, and even feels guilty that she can't do more to help her.

Then we get Chapter 3 and we meet Susanna Grotoff - who is CRIMINALLY fucking underrated. Susanna is the elusive scholar who Cyrus quotes at the end of his story, and is also apparently a Seer - which she admits right away to H'aanit is a load of bullshit. But H'aanit trusts her implicilty because of this admission, and oh yeah Alaic's here too. I'll admit I didn't really warm up to Alaic right away, until postgame happened and we get to see him open up to our Travelers about how he and Susanna met. Honestly I could go on for hours just describing these two but we still have Chapter 4 and - oh my god the King shows H'aanit such immediate trust and respect and he's a decent ruler I like him a lot

I think that's the key ethos here though - everyone in this story treats H'aanit with no small amount of respect and gravitas. Her reputation as Z'aanta's apprentice might precede her, but come Chapter 3 where she's bested a dragon and she has become his equal, and then defeating Redeye to surpass him - and she is viewed by others who know her with awe for her abilities.

Despite this level of prestige though, H'aanit remains much of the same. H'aanit remains a stoic and steadfast huntress who is still socially awkward, being hesitant to show and receive familial affection. At the end of her story, she comes back home satisfied knowing that her master is saved, and she begins to tell stories of her own. It ends with her beautiful piano theme in the background, sounding as though she's just gotten done telling the end of her story to the local village children to lull them to sleep - and not to worry, because she will be happy to tell it again. It's a very quiet resolution to a fantastical journey, and I think its celebration of stories and interpersonal relationships elevates H'aanit's tale over Cyrus's in my book by JUST a bit.

2) Alfyn Greengrass (or, when the break the cutie trope takes the broken pieces and reforges them into something stronger)

Ok look I'll say it right away - I know how divisively people feel about Chapter 3. Chapter 3's very existence hangs on stupid decisions made by the characters, like, Ogen, maybe just TELL Alfyn that Miguel is a criminal - and MIGUEL, M A Y B E DON'T DO THE HORRIBLE THING WHILE ALFYN IS STILL IN TOWN HELLO??? YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST W A IT ANOTHER FEW DAYS???

even with those feelings I still think Alfyn's story is great.

There's a lot that I can say about Alfyn that I wanted to say about Cyrus and H'aanit - and it's that this truly feels like a story that's tailor-made for him, to tell us who this guy is and how he deals with the bullshit he encounters. Alfyn's story is written almost episodically and it does kind of make sense given his motivation. He's just a guy who wants to go around and help people - it doesn't particularly matter where, just that he gets to do good. And we do! See him do that! Kind, studious, and well-meaning Alfyn sacrifices a lot for his patients as we see in both Chapter 1 and 2, and he's very passionate about his craft and is softhearted to the point that he forgets to collect payment for his treatments. He believes so wholly in his apothecary's ideal (formed by his own memories of Graham saving his life for no charge at all) that honestly? His Chapter 3 almost falls over backwards trying to destroy this idealism.

Miguel Twinspears has been memed to death and Ogen is questionable. Just to get that out of the way. To get more  stuff out of the way, I don't think the game really intends for its players to agree with Ogen and his cynical views about the weight of lives. This is the entire point of Ogen - to be a foil to Alfyn, who is naive, boundless, and indiscriminate in his generosity. Miguel, as cartoonishly evil as he is, is still VERY MUCH capable of existing in the real world. Alfyn hasn't yet fully matured, and both Miguel and Ogen were the story's solutions to making him croak. The best part about that gambit is that it worked - sending Alfyn into a depressive spiral until he finds a resolution in Chapter 4.

Miguel is unabashedly evil and takes Alfyn's kindness for granted - he is Alfyn's first taste of true malice. Ogen's cynicism forces Alfyn to question everything he knows about being an apothecary, and it's very important that these two concepts were introduced in parallel. This is the chapter that forces Alfyn to reconsider the implications of what it means to have the power to save lives - for god's sake a CHILD nearly died because Alfyn chose to help the wrong person despite the warnings around him. Here's the thing though - Miguel being a jackass isn't Alfyn's fault, and that's something that Ogen's philosophy neglects to account for. There's very real conversations to be had about accountability here but my god this post is getting way too long and I still have one more character to gush over

Chapter 4 picks up right where Chapter 3 left off, where we find Alfyn lost as to what he's meant to do. THEN we get Ogen on his deathbed and surprise it turns out he's not indiscriminate about his philosophy because he applies it to himself as well because yeah. murder is horrible. granted there's also conversations to be had here about horrible medical malpractice but that's WAY out of my expertise so -

now by all accounts, after the events of Chapter 3, would it have made sense for Alfyn to give in and let this man die for his sins? hell no. Because that's not who Alfyn Greengrass is - and as Alfyn asserts, it's also just not what apothecaries do. It's a powerful kind of acceptance that's fueled in part by Zeph's (homoerotically-charged) encouragement and the memories of the man who saved him - and this drives him to face down a creature of legend just to make a cure for a man with a broken soul.

can we also just take a minute to gush about how Alfyn's journey starts and ends with him trying to find a life-saving ingredient and how it has layers to it because Ogre Eagle feathers were the key ingredient to both his and Ogen's cures - lighting the spark in Alfyn and re-igniting Ogen's will to live - and apothecary is fighting a WALKING PANACAEA. THIS IS A COOL FIGHT GODDAMNIT.

i'll. gush more over Alfyn once I finish up my essay on Ophilia and Temenos. but for now we still have one more story.

1) Olberic Eisenberg (or, resolving a midlife crisis is worth it when I care so much about the sad old beefcake)

for those who know me, this might be mantit bias. And verily I say unto you, that's partially correct. for others, this might be Eisenbright bias. and you are also correct because I will admit that my appreciation of both Cyrus and Olberic's stories is elevated a considerable amount when I think about just how synchronized they are as role models when the future is concerned

(SERIOUSLY. PLAY THEIR CHAPTER 4s SIDE BY SIDE. THEY'RE IN PERFECT PARALLEL ABOUT THEIR OATHS TO THE FUTURE DESPITE BEING SO DIFFERENT AND BEING ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE HISTORY BEING WRITTEN - the person who writes the history and the person who lived it - AND THEIR DIFFERENT TALENTS AND ABILITIES AND-)

okay I'll be real and say I did not expect to care so much about the old guy so much going into this game, but I actually will. struggle to articulate how this story has made me feel, but I will say that Olberic's story is the only one from the first game to have given me any sort of extreme reaction that wasn't frustration over Cyrus's Chapter 1. I cried for other stories, but Olberic's had me genuinely at the edge of my seat and jumping for joy whenever I see Erhardt pop up in Riverford to aid him.

To be honest, I don't really know what it is about Olberic's story that I can call the edge that it has over the seven others. Cyrus's story had excellent presentation for both his philosophy and his character. H'aanit's was the perfection of simple storytelling. Alfyn's was thought-provoking and had me emotionally invested in his plight. Writing it out, I think I can say Olberic has all of the above - at least, in my opinion. I can't very well say he has much in the way of developing side-characters though -

- well okay. The blond elephant in the room is the glaring exception.

Erhardt is half of Olberic's story and is consequently his primary motivation throughout his journey. The introduction of Erhardt is through a recurring nightmare that Olberic has of the day Hornburg fell - culminating in the moment Erhardt fatally wounds King Alfred. Olberic's Chapter 1 does a very good job of telling us who he is, and where he stands in his story - he was once a renowned knight beloved by his Kingdom, until it fell due to the betrayal of his brother-in-arms. He is now in hiding at a humble farming village named Cobbleston, having kept his past and name a secret for 8 years. Olberic is brought low by loss, and is plagued by nightmares and grief that he doesn't share at all with the people he's now taking refuge with. It's also very clear at this point that Olberic considers himself as little more than a man with a blade - purposeless now that he has failed to protect what mattered most to him. It's not until a lead on Erhardt is revealed to him that he feels alive in any way, as Gaston notes.

As Olberic goes on his journey, he starts having doubts about his decision to avenge his homeland once he starts learning more about Erhardt. To Gustav, Erhardt was troubled, but warm to him and his fellow vagrants, as well as a trustworthy friend. To Wellspring, he is similar to Olberic - having found purpose in protecting the town from lizardman threats. These doubts culminate in what is - to my opinion- perhaps the single best scene in the fucking game.

Watch it in Japanese, by the way. It's only then that you'll get to experience the full brunt of the emotions and sheer burdens that both Olberic and Erhardt carry because Jesus CHRIST they went hard on the delivery for this scene.

After slaying the Lizardman Kings, Erhardt and Olberic meet back up again to have their long-overdue talk about why Erhardt decided he'd kill King Alfred. To most people his backstory isn't anything new, really - he lost his hometown to the fires of war, and King Alfred had failed in protecting it. Out of vengeance, Erhardt decided to join Werner's company and act as the mole in the ranks of the knights of Hornburg so he could bide his time until he could finally kill the King. The thing that sells this scene however, is the sheer agony and regret in Erhardt's voice as he tells Olberic everything - and tells him that he regretted living a lie, that all he could remember now was the times he spent with the knights and with Olberic as friends and brothers-in-arms.

Now what happens next is. Strange.

It's at this point in the story that the player feels TRULY disconnected from Olberic, where Olberic's own desperation comes to light as he demands to cross swords with Erhardt in the form of a Challenge prompt that you can't refuse. Olberic states very clearly that he finally understood why he wielded his blade, and you would think that was the end of it - that it wouldn't have needed to come to blows anymore. But Olberic is neither being a paragon nor a villain here - he's being human in the only way he knows how - in the throes of battle. Erhardt himself obliges, understanding that it's only through this that either of them could have closure from the events that changed their lives forever. They fight, all while Olberic's character theme plays in the background.

Now. This scene is interesting to me in a lot of ways. Erhardt had basically done to Olberic what he thinks the Kingdom of Hornburg had done to him - rob him of the only home he had ever known. He then assimilated himself into the ranks and despite his mission he came to see it as home too, soon enough. Despite that, it didn't stop him from killing the King - but seeing his revenge through only left him hollow. I could draw several comparisons here to both Primrose and Olberic regarding this stance on revenge, but right now just know that Olberic could have very well ended up like him if he were an angrier man. Olberic right now is simply a man consumed with grief and loss and left with no real way of dealing with it other than this. And by the end of the battle, Erhardt yields - and Olberic spares him, ending the duel and resolving instead to avenge his Kingdom through confronting the man behind Erhardt's machinations.

admittedly, I didn't think Werner was compelling enough as a villain - but I DID appreciate his horrifying pragmatism, clawing his way to the top by any means necessary and sacrificing an entire Kingdom in the process, and then going on to take over an entire district and host public burnings every month. charming guy. I do find it thematically interesting that Olberic's final opponent is a tyrant who just does not give a shit about the people he governs over though - you really couldn't get any more antithetical to King Alfred than this. Also fitting that he would be one of the key players of the revolution to free Riverford from Werner's reign and wOAH HOLY SHIT ERHARDT FUCK Y E AH

that. that was the scene I jumped out of my seat for, yeah.

by the way uh. so the line 'Your blade may be unbending, but did the man not break?' is extremely good. If there was any way to succinctly summarize Olberic Eisenberg before that climactic moment, that would be it.

this is gonna be the part where I gush about Olberic's resolve into looking forward to the future and - it means a lot more than just him vowing to continue using his sword to protect others. It means that he's finally starting to free himself from the hell he's been dealing with for the last 8 years. It's him finally accepting that he's MORE than the blade he wields. It's him accepting that he has somewhere to return to and protect and hold dear to his heart - and he realizes this while trying to help people take back their own homes with the support of the best friend who had lost his home twice -

i really like his story, and I really like Olberic. Him returning to Cobbleston for a while as he goes on a new journey and being embraced by Philip is incredibly satisfying. This man deserves his fucking rest and holy shit this post is 3800 words long

>>> tl;dr go play Octopath Traveler 1

#octopath traveler #cyrus albright #h'aanit #alfyn greengrass #olberic eisenberg #octopath #octopath spoilers #literally just me ranting for almost 4k words #go play the first octopath it's still great #i should have just written an essay but #listen i totally could except i'm in the middle of finals submissions so rip #and i'm already writing an ophilia and temenos essay so