#no fucking shit genius

[maybeitsalivescribbles]

VH - Lost Soul

(tw: it’s backstory time for Vampire Hero, and it isn’t very nice. Lots and lots of torture mentions.)

Vampire Hero was in hell, although not for the reasons Villain thought.

According to his watch, he’d been trapped in this maze for hours. Amid the many gifts his vampire nature had given him, a sense of direction wasn’t among them. He’d tried to punch the walls, but that would have taken too long to burst through them. They were even thicker than the skull that had thought of such a stupid thing to build. What he could do was leaving a dent to make sure that yes, he’d been there before. He had his phone on him, but there was no wifi, so no way to use his GPS. He had very little battery left anyhow– he had emptied most of it to send his wife pictures of bats on his way, which was as far as he was concerned a very good and judicious use of it. All of that was already a bore, but to make the game even funnier, the labyrinth was full of traps.

Full of pathetic traps. The ground collapsed under his feet, rocks were falling on him, all of that accomplishing nothing – but it was annoying enough that it disrupted his concentration, preventing him to find a way out. That was not the main problem, though. There were screens everywhere, too high to reach, and Villain. Never. Stopped. Talking.

“What is good and evil ? Do you know for sure what the limit is ? Good is supposed to follow the law, but is the law always good ? Isn’t it pride to do what feels right ? You think you want to stop me, but aren’t you being selfish by doing what you want ?”

She’d kept going like that for hours now. Nails on a blackboard would have sounded nicer. Not only the words were as hollow as a dead snail, but the inflection of that pompous voice was unbearable. Vampire Hero was seriously tempted to hit his head against the wall to stop hearing anything, but that didn’t seem like it’d work in the long term.

At his limit, he stepped up, his lips pinched, and finally yelled back:

“Four words. Grow the fuck up.”

“That’s all you have to say ? You’re not much for philosophy.”

“You call that philosophy ? I hate to break it to you, but knowing that good and bad are social constructs is not some kind of genius insight. All I see is a kid yelling at me that she’s very smart. You don’t give a crap about all of this. You just want to prove to yourself how very superior you are.”

“Do you think you’re better than me ?”

“The bar is low.”

“Oh, because you’re good now ?”

Vampire Hero stopped dead in his tracks:

“Even before, I was better than you."

He raised his arms and bared his teeth, his voice loud:

"You think that you’re bad ? You’ve got nothing on me ! I lured people and made them dance with me over broken glass. I had them rot blindfolded in animal cages for days until they had to lick their own blood. I had cozy nights with them having a friendly little chat in the living room while I was drinking from a corpse, and they knew that if they broke they were next. I made them starve and eat their loved ones. And I loved it ! I loved all of it ! I loved the light dying in their eyes. I thought I was clever ! I am half the reasons you’re shaking at night !”

“Zdiiiiiiiingbonnng,” made the rock on Hero’s head. He sighed in exasperation and stopped talking, wiping gravel from his hair.

“I know about you.” said Villain. “The hero agency’s lackey. Aren’t you ashamed ? You were a great prince, once.”

“Actually, I never was really tall.”

“Go ahead, hide yourself behind this kind of childish retorts. But admit it: you’ve sunk low. You arrest people who weren’t caught like you and you bring them to the authority, like a good dog. Has it ever occurred to you how much of a failure you’ve become ?”

“No.”

“Then why did you stop ?”

“If I tell you the story, will you finally shut up ?”

“Perhaps.”

“Worth it.”

Vampire Hero jumped over a couple of spikes, groaned when he realized that his jeans had a new hole, and said:

“Once upon a time, asshole, I was living happily in my castle all alone. I was rich, I was immortal, I had everything I wanted, and what I wanted was a lot of toys.”

He glanced around him, noticed nothing that indicated he was on the right path, and sighed.

“By toys I mean humans, of course. I chose among the prettiest, kindest, bravest, and I tortured them to death. I hurt them until they didn't have anything to break. I was good at it. I experimented things that would give you and all of you so-called Supervillains nightmares for years. But, you know. Decade after decade, still doing the same thing – I was getting bored. I felt empt- aw man, a dead end again ?”

He turned on his heels, swearing. That was obviously the wrong way to solve his problem. The walls were smooth and impossible to climb, so it had to be arranged. He caught a rock and throw it against the hard surface with a little more strength than necessary.

“Well, anyway. I heard there was a great conqueror who wanted the world. I made my first travel since decades, by curiosity. I wanted to see by myself who could challenge me.”

“And you fought him and you lost ?”

“I told you to shut up. I met her, and not long after I was her lucky, lucky husband. I never had her ambition, but of course I supported her. She encouraged my own little hobby in return, so I became her special torturer. My life was even more perfect, and there was this void inside me, and I hated it, and I didn't understand it. And what happened happened. I tortured the wrong person.”

“Define wrong ?”

“It was the daughter of a vampire hunter.”

“A poor choice.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. The guy was really good at his job. He was already pissed off because of the world-conquering plan, but after I did that, well, he cursed my wife and I – oh, enough with this.”

Punctured by rock impacts, the wall in front of him wasn’t so smooth anymore. Vampire Hero took a run-up, jumped and landed on the top of it. He had a nice view on the labyrinth now. For the first time, he took the right direction.

“ That’s cheating,” complained Villain.

“I don’t care.”

“What then ?”

“What then ? I had a bad century. The hunter couldn't kill me, so he drank my blood to prolong his own life and tortured me. He got good at it, too. I felt what I’d made the others feel, but only at first – after ninety years it was back to nothing. I was 300 years old and reality was fading. I was a leech. I hadn’t made a thing for myself.”

“You mean you went soft because of a little torturing?”

“No. I got old. When you have a couple of centuries, this torture-people-to-death shit doesn’t have the same kind of kick anymore. You try to get creative, but it doesn’t help. You feel nothing. So there’s nothing else you can do but stop. And speaking of stopping, it’s your turn.”

Vampire Hero was now at the center of the labyrinth. He jumped to a silver door, decided he was too done with the whole thing to use the knob, and broke it open.

Villain turned towards him, a small smile on her face, and opened her arms in a welcome gesture:

“Behold, vampire ! This room have been made of silver walls and floor. You won’t be able to enter without squirming in agony and -

Vampire Hero stepped in. Villain braced herself for his cries of pain, but there was none. He still looked bored out of his mind. There was a long silence.

“That’s – that’s not possible.”

Hero laughed. A slow, sinister laugh that made Villain’s eyes open wide.

“What are you ?” she whispered. “You can’t be a vampire. You should be crawling on the ground.”

“Don’t you listen ? I told you I’ve been tortured for decades. You know what an immortal body does when it regenerates back for the hundredth time ?"

He pointed to himself. There was a subtle change in his appearance. He still looked like his unimpressed self, but his usual lightness was replaced by something much darker. It was his eyes. Staring into them was like gazing into some horrible, nameless abyss. There was nothing human about them. They could only belong to some ghastly creature who'd lived centuries, not particularly nice ones.

Vampire Hero chuckled, and Villain shuddered.

"It gets tougher," he only said. "I’ve lost touch and taste. I feel nothing. Nor warmth or cold, and certainly not pain. My body is cut from the outside world. There's not much that feels real to me. You know what it is?”

He walked towards Villain, who took a step back and said:

“I hope you realize you’re monologuing yourself.”

“Habits die hard. I want to go back tonight and kiss my wife on the top of her head, just in the middle. It’s our habit. That’s all that matters. If I have to be on this side to support her, so be it. I don’t care about evil or good, and it won’t prevent me to eat your vocal chords if you’re off again. So, are you going to keep talking or finally shut the hell up ?”

“You know what, I think I’m good.”

*

Vampire Hero is a recurring character. His job is to troll current villains. Check the Vampire Hero Masterlist or Tag for more snippets with him.

Or back to Hero x Villain Masterlist.

#hero x villain #hero villain community #writeblr #writers on tumblr #original fiction #my writing #writing snippet #writing drabble #writing dialogue #villain and hero #creative writing #vampire #vampire hero #hero and villain #heroes and villains #fucking finally #this snippet took way too much time and effort let me tell you #I’m sorry villains saying they’re very clever because they know *morality is relative* is a berserk button #no fucking shit genius #it gives me euros holmes flashbacks #“good and evil are not real things I found this all by myself look at me that makes me so fucking clever I’m basically an X-man” #gaaaah #Moffat’s characters were never dumber than when he wanted to show off How Clever they were #anyway. #I’m calm. I’m cool. I’m calm.

[crawley-fell]

You see, I do have a gift for props. Well, a sort of natural dexterity.

#this fucking intelligent as shit moron i love him so much #truly the silliest genius ever #the way he looks at crowley in the last one this is a man who tried desperately to flirt and needs a lifeline #good omens #gomens #good omens 2 #aziraphale x crowley #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #crowley x aziraphale #michael sheen #my gifs

[doodlebloo]

Is the DSMP fanbases perfect no is the story perfect no. But nothing will ever be able to recreate the same feeling as the How Bad Can I Be animatic. Ever

#god it still makes me so fucking crazy insane feral /pos #animatics that give you the strength of ten thousand men. like. #watch that shit and tell me Manberg vs Pogtopia wasnt one of the most genius narratives of our time. #doodle.txt

[necromycologist]

rip ianthe tridentarius... born to be the one and only fucked up failgirl forced to somehow end up as the voice of reason

#like. ianthe is pretty insane we can all agree on this. #she ate a guy. she has nasty infectious rizz she had a girl homoerotically regrow her arm she did a lobotomy. she is a genius and a loser. #in any other fandom she would win hands down. unfortunately this is not any other fandom. #gideon and harrow are doing their whole orpheus and euridyce shit camilla was so codependent w/ her necro she merged her soul with him #pyrrha is a 1000-yr-old butch living in the corpse of her best friend alecto is the fucking vengeful soul of the earth. #don even get me started on mercymorn or commander wake or coronabeth... infact maybe dont get me started at all. #what imsaying is that ianthe may be insane but at least she's logical about it. #she killed a man for ultimate power. dick move yeah. but gideon killed HERSELF out of LOVE and took her gf tryna SAVE HER as a REJECTION. #one of these gals is more fucked in the head than the other BY FAR. rip ianthe second place even at being a failure #ianthe tridentarius #tlt

[unpretty]

IT'S HERE

#original #it's HARDCOVER it's SIGNED it's got PAINTED EDGES it's #NIMONA #i put it between Real Hero Shit and Girl Genius because the vibes felt correct #but my shelf situation is fucking dire. i need to sell more goddamn books.

[whaliiwatching]

dumbasses ft daughter in the modern era

#spider man: across the spider verse #spider punk #spider noir #hobie brown #noirpunk #and #DING DING #its her everybody its the star of the show #she's such a little nightmare cat #peter's so inordinately fond of her it's stupid <3 #(this is how all cat owners are) #me posting an HOUR EARLY??? no way #this one's a bit bland but i like the cleanness i guess #and look this time i remembered my fucking watermark #peter's tiny speech bubbles are supposed to wink at silent movie caps #thanks ken! im stealing your genius #bear peter in a goth fit >>>>>>>> #technically he's supposed to be in color here but trust me nobody wants to see that shit lol

[andiwriteordie]

*clears throat* get ready for the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever conceptualized

not to get all up in my holly wheeler bullshit again but i’m gonna need you to imagine some kind of chaotic world in which holly in the 1990s watches home alone when her big brother and his boyfriend are home on thanksgiving break 

and then something happens where holly is home alone while everyone is out at work or doing something else and then things... get really strange.

there’s a faceless monster outside her window, and suddenly all the phones are not working, and the lights are super fucked up, and the last time holly remembers seeing anything this insane was when she was really little? and there was that weird wall at will’s home? or the trees were moving that one fourth of july?

but holly’s stuck. she can’t go outside or get a hold of anyone to help her.

so what does holly do?

she pulls a kevin mcallister.

and holly home alones the fuck out of this demogorgon.

#holly wheeler #byler #tagging this byler because god knows you are my people #byler comes home before mike's parents and holly deadass has the demogorgon like #half dead on the ground #number one they're like what the fuck we thought we dealt with this shit #number two how the FUCK did holly do this #holly is an evil little genius and i stand by it!

[helena-thessaloniki]

Can't stop thinking about Night Country. That feminine rage is cold and hard; old, older than everything else, and buried deep. That a woman alone is a dead woman; a woman alone is the most dangerous thing. That a man's ego is more important than a woman's life. That a woman who speaks up isn't silenced, she's destroyed. That women are strongest when they're together, when they speak, when they sing. When they're seen.

That what men want for themselves is reason enough to lay waste to everything else. That when it's weighed on the scales, their chance to live a little longer is worth more than a baby's first breath. That they'll do whatever it takes, even when it poisons all of our water.

How a mother dies and her daughter dies too, but a son can't live until he's killed his own father. How women only have power when they lie, assume the role of men, align themselves to men, or die.

And when they will no longer clean up after them.

When they honor who came before, paint the protest on their face, and learn their real name. When they emerge from the ice, leave the night behind and walk toward the sun instead of into the sea. When they shape their own stories. When their tongue is returned to them.

What a fucking masterpiece.

I guess she wanted to take them. I guess she ate their fuckin' dreams from the inside out and spit their frozen bones.

#night country #true detective spoilers #true detective night country #true detective s4 #evangeline navarro #liz danvers #issa lópez #the most metaphorical shit I've ever seen and I am here for it #fucking genius writing #feminine rage #absolute credit where credit is due to the indigenous women and people at the heart of this story #true detective #jodie foster #kali reis

[izzymalec]

anyway. fuck the ebu.

#txt #protecting israel's artist but not the netherlands' when he's geniuely being harassed by journalists. interesting #that IS a political statement btw. he said two words slightly channeling israel and now they exclude him #i mean thf having israel be there is already a political statement like we can see you choose a side there besties #like damn they're really going to make israel win what a fucking mess #+ esp when it is so obvious that joost is the winner of the public??? #anyway. rigged shit show #eurovision #esc 2024 #like not my friend literally coming over from ireland to watch it together and now both of us just hating it #shouldn't even be watching it i know #not sh #saskia talks

[lannisterdaddyissues]

i totally forgot how obsessed my dad is with top gun actually lol. it came on tv and he made me sit down next to him for the entirety of the layton rescue while shouting at everyone on-screen and holding onto my arm and then he made me sit down again to watch ice and mav buzz the tower and hug on the carrier while pledging their lives to each other in holy matrimony

also according to him val kilmer is the best-looking man in human history (though tom cruise is close behind)

#this man is totally straight but he was in the air force so he’s got some man-enjoying tendencies i guess #anyway i told him i watched real genius last night and he got SO excited and started rambling about his favorite val kilmer movies to me #we babbled about real genius for a bit (he was SO thrilled i tell you he started waving his hands and quoting his favorite parts) #and then he told me to watch top secret! and tombstone and told me about those #he’s also a huge fan of viper and his mustache which i love #anyway i’m gonna show him top gun: maverick later this week bc he still hasn’t seen it #i cannot fucking WAIT for him to cry his eyes out at the wingman hug and ice’s funeral he’s gonna be so distraught #i just know he’s gonna love all the shit mav gets up to as well

[von-karmas-a-bitch]

it will never stop being insane to me that possibly the most accurate adaptation of sherlock holmes (minus any explicit mention of drugs) is from Gay Lawyer Visual Novel Spinoff Series: Let's Go To Meiji Japan and bc it wasn't public domain yet, the localised versions decided to call him fucking HERLOCK SHOLMES

#screw your ''oh wow he's so hugebrained i want to be that guy'' wish fulfillment sherlock holmes #the real sherlock holmes was a cringefail loser who was prone to extreme fits of melancholy over trivial shit #i have not read the books but i just talked to someone who has both read the books and played tgaac and they confirmed #he is very very accurate to original holmes #and it makes me very happy to have that confirmed bc #i knew it i fucking knew it #that's why he's the only holmes adaptation i like #that's why he's so funny and well-written #the writers did their fucking homework and made a fairly faithful adaptation #that hit all the sweet spots that made holmes unique #rather than completely missing the point of what made him such a Character #and just writing him to be the cringeproof hugebrained genius they wish they were #he's not supposed to be your self insert gary stu he's SUPPOSED to be cringefail!!!!! let him be a loser #sophia's soliloquies #tgaac #herlock sholmes

[cosmicdorito]

"hozier my cottagecore lesbian bog man" shut the fuck up

#hozier #sorry youve got me in a mood about him #like yes hes a white man!!! but he knows that!!!! #hes using his privilege and power and position to talk about these things!!!! #if you dont listen to nina cried power and get the sense of like fighting cops what are you doing #he uses his place and privilege and fame combined with his lyrical genius to talk about social injustice #it just so happens that his style is very acoustic indie and the cottagecore bitches eat that shit up without a second thought #he is trying to make people aware of how fucked up the world is!!! #he is literally screaming 'im your favourite indie white man so please listen to what im saying!!!' #read that last one and tell me where the cottagecore is!! its not there bitch!!!!

[jessiethewitchzard]

Just saw the music video for Thot Shit for the first time and, like, holy shit. that's a whole ass twilight zone episode dissecting the hypersexualization of working class black women. First music video I've ever seen where I straight up do not feel qualified to comment on the nuances of everything that's going on here. There's race, there's class, there's gender, there's all sorts of shit going on. There's power, there's racialization and white fear of black people just living their lives. There's the hypocrisy of objectifying black women while criticizing them for being sexy. There's the focus on a white dude when the black women are doing all the work. There's one(1) shot of a white women in a frumpy suit utterly failing to keep up with all the black women's moves. And then the guy's face gets transmogrified into a pussy at the end? That's the one bit I actually just don't understand. There's, like LAYERS to everything going on here. And wow, I found an interview where she talks about what inspired it and she's so humble downplaying it, like "oh haha I just liked the way it sounded when I came up with it in the shower"

you gotta click through to watch it on youtube, because it is, like, the most twerking asses I have ever seen in a single video, and also there's a genuinely unsettling cronenberg bit at the end, so it's age restricted.

#aj oc #megan thee stallion #thot shit #also the sexy versions of mundane work clothes are SO GOOD #I fucking love a well done skimpy outfit #and choice of what jobs to sexualize #like construction workers and garbage collectors and deli clerks and shit #its fucking genius #Youtube

[jabberwockprince]

warm up doodle with medicine pocket bc i love feral little shits who break the hippocratic oath and who will commit atrocities for the sake of science and medicine

#reverse 1999 #reverse: 1999 #re1999 #medicine pocket #reverse 1999 medicine pocket #digital art #purinsu art #dreamy sigh #i want medicine pocket on my team........ #but im aiming for diggers too #the PAIN #i have no fucking clue about X but his vibes and quotes are also pretty fuckin boy mad genius off the shits core #so i get why ppl ship x and medicine pocket

[kphobcapt]

andhera my dear love. i need to know what advisor’s reaction was the day that obsidian shard was placed. was he angry. did he hold his tongue and offer a quiet comforting touch. did he look at this beautiful lonely deeply feeling boy with bright eyes and a kind heart and think i will help him. they don’t see him but i see him. where is advisor i gotta know.

#that reveal was so heartbreaking and omar delivered it so beautifully and with such sadness #and binx seeing him truly and offering a reprieve if desired #FUCK imagine if rue knew #IMAGINE IF HOB KNEW #uncle Hob wouldn’t stand for that shit but he would fully understand. #god I have so many feelings omar you are a genius #omar najam #a court of fey and flowers #prince andhera #andhera #dimension 20

[edandstede]

every time i happen to hear a new taylor swift song on the radio i’m like “i swear this isn’t new, didn’t i hear this last year??” but no turns out she just keeps releasing carbon copies of her own records over and over and people just lap it up. every single time

#i was washing up just now and one came on #i swear to fucking god it sounds like 10 other songs she’s released in the last decade #yet people post about her music like she’s gifted by god with musical genius #like nobody has ever written better stuff ever #i’ve taken more iconic shits what are you TALKING about #quill to paper #personal