#never in my life have I gone from so happy/excited about an email to just flat out pissed the fuck off

[phantom-curve]

so I woke up to this fucking comment in the middle of the night

and I just wanna say, not only did I absolutely NOT use a fucking AI or bot to write my fic, but also if this is something that is going to happen now and I’m gonna have to be anxious/worried that someone is gonna accuse me of doing something like this OR that someone is gonna upload my work to a machine to teach it how to steal the work of a real human: I just won’t post anymore. like it’s literally as simple as that.

and that kills me because I already have enough reasons not to post the things I write and I was legit so excited to put something new up and now I’m like a sad leftover birthday balloon and I honestly don’t know if I will continue posting this fic or not. I feel super gross about this and frankly, really violated too. we’ll see if that changes by wednesday, but no promises on updates anymore at this point. most of the joy I had about posting this fic is gone now because of this.

so whoever is out there feeding fics into bots, here’s my PSA: fucking do better. be better. and stop ruining creative outlets for actual real people. you suck.

#never in my life have I gone from so happy/excited about an email to just flat out pissed the fuck off #like this has actually legitimately ruined my night #half a mind to just delete the entire fic now because I hate hate HATE THIS SO MUCH #literally artificial intelligence is going to be the actual death of true creative work #and it is so sad to watch it happen in real time #mads speaks #mads writes #ao3 #prayer line juke #PSA #novelai #chatgpt #FUCK ALL OF YOUR BULLSHIT AIS #writing #fic writing #ao3 etiquette

[universitypenguin]

Hello Alice! Lloyd and princess have been living in my head rent free lately 😍 and it’s got me thinking (please no pressure ever to answer any of my silly little asks!) what do you think princess would do/how would she feel after all this time apart and after everything that’s been going on if she thought Lloyd had sleep with someone else during this time apart?

Thank you for sharing your stories with us! I’m so excited for what’s next to come with these two❤️

Author’s Note: @drabblewithfrannybarnes 🥰

Thank you so much for this lovely ask! I wish I was a faster writer, but alas… that will never be my lot in life. 😭 Instead of doing Kinktober, I’ve been working on improving my short story skills this month, which led to me revising this several times. And by revising I actually mean starting from scratch three times in a row.

I’d challenged myself to keep trying until I had gotten it just right, so it was very satisfying to look at this draft and realize I was finally happy with it. Thank you so much for motivating me to write this, please enjoy! 💙🩵🤍

If He Wanted To, He Would…

“Hey Princess? Can you fix my phone?”

You were stirring honey into your tea, watching the clump slowly dissolve, when Lloyd made his request. He stood by the door wearing athletic shorts and a blue quarter zip, frowning at his phone.

“I thought you were going on a run.”

Lloyd grunted, tapping the screen. The line between his eyebrows appeared.

If this phone issue prevented him from going on his run you were going to lose your mind. Thanks to the stalker situation, your alone time was extremely limited. Only when Lloyd jogged the trail encircling the cabin were you allowed the luxury of complete solitude. He jogged three times a week and each excursion guaranteed you at least an hour of alone time. Without these breaks you’d go insane.

“Why don’t you take my phone instead?”

“My email isn’t synching. I’m trying to make sure the email I sent to Bishop went through.”

“I’ll fix it. Here, you can use my phone.”

Lloyd scowled at the offending device. “I didn’t even mess with it this time. Why is it doing this?”

You held out your phone. “Just take mine.”

“Do you think it’s the wifi?” Lloyd asked.

“You can borrow my AirPods, too,” you said.

“I never run with headphones in and neither should you.”

“That’s something you will never, ever, have to worry about.”

Lloyd smirked as he exchanged phones with you. “Right, I forgot who I was talking to. Good luck with that thing, I’ll see you in an hour or so.”

When he was gone you collapsed on the couch. Finally, the sanctity of solitude. You basked in the silence for a minute before turning your attention to repairing his phone. There were no issues in the app settings or the phone settings, so you tried restarting it. After clearing the cached data, you removed his account and added it again, without success. Then you updated the app and, much to your relief, the email finally synched.

You’d just finished the installation and locked his phone when it buzzed. A text appeared on his lock screen, visible in the preview window.

Don’t worry about Michael. He isn’t the jealous type.

You stared at the message, baffled, like a puppy encountering its reflection for the first time, perplexed by the inexplicable sight. Who was Michael? Perhaps some context would help. You opened the message app and scrolled back through his previous messages with the sender, April Ward.

Their first message was dated about two weeks ago, right after Lloyd had returned from Idaho.

Seeing you on Friday… I love you… don’t worry about Michael… he isn’t the jealous type…

April Ward was his ex-girlfriend. What had happened between them in Idaho?

You hadn’t questioned the limited contact you’d had with him at the time, but now it felt like a huge red flag. Your stomach twisted into knots.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Twenty-five minutes had passed. Lloyd would be home soon and you still didn’t know what you were going to say. Your thoughts were chaotic. You felt naive, foolish, and gullible.

You had believed he was grieving and settling his father’s affairs. You had assumed he was too busy to call you or that his phone was out of service range. You were such a sucker. Hurt and anger vied for dominance inside of you, but neither gained enough ground to claim victory. The emotions were deadlocked and trapped in the middle of them, all you felt was numb.

Distantly, you recognized that you were in shock. Of course you were in shock. It was a shocking development. This wasn’t the Lloyd you knew. He’d never let you down before. In spite of his rough edges, he was always honest with you, even when it came to difficult topics; especially when it came to difficult topics.

How had he become this person, someone capable of such an ugly betrayal? When had your best friend turned into your enemy?

You didn’t hear the creak of the door’s hinges, but at Lloyd’s voice, your head snapped up. Your lip curled into a snarl.

Lloyd stopped short. “Princess? What’s wrong?”

“Who’s April Ward?”

His nostrils flared as he inhaled through his nose.

“She’s a veterinarian who treated a sick calf for me a few weeks ago. Why?”

“Liar. April is your ex, I read your texts.”

“Princess, it’s not what you think-”

You hissed. “Stop! Stop lying to me! You cheated, didn’t you?! Just admit it!”

“I’m not lying!”

Without thinking, you flung the phone at him. Lloyd ducked and it hit the wall, then clattered to the floor.

“Calm down!” Lloyd barked.

“No! Tell me what happened!”

“It wasn’t on purpose-”

“You slept with her by accident?! Come on!”

“I didn’t cheat, Princess! Listen to me! I didn’t intend to see April. There was a sick calf, so I called the vet, who turned out to be my highschool girlfriend.”

“And then you slept with her.”

Lloyd snarled. “I didn’t sleep with her.”

“I don’t believe you!”

“I’m telling you the truth!”

Your chin lifted. “She cares about you.”

“We dated in highschool, okay? That’s all. For the record, the last time I slept with her, you weren’t even alive!”

“Are you insulting my age, or yours?”

Lloyd threw his hands up. “Neither. Forget I said that. Here’s what happened on Friday: I called for a vet and April showed up. She treated the calf, we had a drink in the kitchen and talked for a few hours. When we finished talking she went home.”

“What are you leaving out of this story?”

“Nothing!”

“Did you have sex in the kitchen?”

“There was no sexual contact, there was barely even physical contact!”

You zeroed in on his last point. “Ha! So you did something with her, didn’t you?!”

“There was a kitchen table between us for 90% of the evening. She reached across it and touched my hand while we were talking. Later, I hugged her goodbye. That was the extent of our physical contact.”

His delivery was fluid. The words were crisp and his tone of voice was even. That should have comforted you. Instead, it made you even more suspicious.

“Princess, I can only tell you this in so many ways: nothing happened. Believing it is up to you.”

“If nothing happened, then why didn’t you tell me that you’d seen her?”

“I don’t like talking about that period of my life… and… maybe because I didn’t know how to approach the subject.”

You stared at Lloyd, torn between doubt and trust.

He sighed. “I know it looks bad. If our roles were reversed, I’d react the same way, but I swear it was nothing more than old friends catching up.”

“Fine. I believe you.”

He looked relieved for a split second before you continued.

“But keeping this from me was a betrayal in itself.”

“I’m sorry,” Lloyd said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You were still curled up in the rocking chair on the porch when dusk faded into night. As a concession to the dropping temperature, you’d draped a blanket around your shoulders. The nights were getting colder as autumn approached.

If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to, he could.

You’d always considered Lloyd to be honest, at least with you, before today. Now you wondered about the veracity of that assumption. As you examined your reasoning, the uncomfortable truth crystallized. Lloyd was capable of cheating on you. He was certainly sneaky enough. Keeping secrets and guarding his emotions were Lloyd’s greatest strengths. He was a master in the art of lying. Half-truths, omissions, fabrications, he could do it all and conventional ethics didn’t mean much to him. He lied as easily as other people breathed - those were the cold, hard facts.

Reality slapped you in the face, unraveling the sense of trust you’d previously had in Lloyd. In an abstract way, you’d always known he was ruthless, but now you appreciated how easily he could rip your heart out if he wanted to. Him wanting to wasn’t even a requirement, all it would take was a moment of carelessness.

You didn’t know what you were feeling more: hurt, anger, or fear. Each emotion claimed a part of your heart, splitting it into three equal pieces. The feelings swirled, a vortex of negative thoughts that sucked you into a whirlpool of despair. Your mood dropped as quickly as the temperatures. Soon, chilly air nipped at your nose and ears. You drew the blanket tighter in an effort to conserve warmth.

The door creaked and you heard Lloyd’s footsteps approaching, but you didn’t acknowledge him.

“It’s getting cold, Princess. You need to come inside.”

You ignored him.

“Princess…”

You burrowed into the blanket, silently declaring your intent to remain where you were.

Lloyd sighed. “I don’t know what to say, other than I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Too late,” you muttered.

“I can’t change the past, but I can give you access to my phone if you want. Is that a reasonable compromise?”

You turned to him, frowning.

“The problem isn’t access, Lloyd. I have that already. The problem is that I don’t want to keep you on a leash, I just want to trust you. Think about it from my point of view - if I’m going to have a meltdown every time one of your exes shows up, I’m in for a bad time.”

“April is my only ex-girlfriend,” Lloyd said.

“So, we’re back to lying, are we? I’m trying to meet you halfway, but if you keep-”

“She is, damn it! I never wanted a relationship before. You know I’m telling the truth, Princess. You were my closest friend for the past three years. When was my last relationship?”

Abruptly, the weight of evidence tilted in his favor. Your thrumming pulse slowed to a steady beat. Lloyd moved closer.

“Come on, Princess, you’re freezing. Let’s go inside.”

You shook your head. “I want to believe you, but I know how easily you can bend the truth.”

“Actions speak louder than words,” Lloyd countered. “I’ve already synced my messaging app to your personal laptop and shared my location with you. If you let me, I’ll prove that you can trust me.”

He extended his hand and you hesitated, but took it and let him pull you to your feet. You let him lead you inside to the sofa, where he laid a throw blanket over your legs.

“You haven’t said whether you’ll give me a second chance,” he said.

You twisted your hands in your lap.

“I know that I misinterpreted your messages to April. That said, I’m not letting you off the hook for withholding information that would’ve put them in context. The root of the issue is that if you decided to cheat on me, I probably wouldn’t notice. You’re sly enough to get away with almost anything, if you set your mind to it.”

“Alright, but let’s take another factor into consideration,” Lloyd said. “The pool of women who actually want to sleep with me after they realize I’m an asshole is smaller than you think.”

“Oh, please. Give me a break, women drool over your ass every day.”

“Before they talk to me. Now, if we consider the pool of men who want to sleep with you… it’s large to begin with and once they get to know you, they’re even more interested.”

You snorted. “Should I sync my messaging app to your laptop?”

“No need, I already know your passwords. Are we good?”

“We’re not bad. I wouldn’t go as far as calling us ‘good,’ though.”

Lloyd nuzzled your temple. “I was telling the truth about April being my only ex-girlfriend.”

“It’s hard to believe, but… it tracks. I know you’re not used to explaining yourself, but if this arrangement between us is going to work, you need to.”

He relaxed. “I can do that.”

You snuggled into his chest, basking in the warmth you found there. His broad palm stroked up and down your spine and within a few minutes you were nodding off.

“How many ex-boyfriends do you have?” Lloyd asked.

Your eyes flew open. “Um… why?

“I just want to know how worried I should be.”

“You don’t need to be worried.”

“That’s not an answer, Princess.”

You licked your lips. “How far back do you want to go? Kindergarten? Middle-school?”

Lloyd scowled. “Kindergarten? How many boys are we talking about here?”

“I…” you broke off. “Hold up, how did we get on this topic?”

“That’s not important,” Lloyd said. “How many boys have you dated?”

You sat up. “That isn’t what you asked me. You wanted to know how many ex-boyfriends I had, not how many boys I’ve dated. Those are two different topics.”

His lips compressed. “Fine, then. How many boys have you dated?”

“I guess about…ugh…” You covered your face, groaning. “Do we have to do this? Trust me, you’re better off not knowing. My dating history is cringe-worthy.”

“I want a number, Princess.”

You sucked in a breath through your teeth. “I might need some scratch paper…”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The End.

I hope you enjoyed it! Reblogs, likes, and comments are all appreciated and welcomed!

Masterlist

#lloyd hansen x reader #lloyd hansen x you #lloyd hansen x y/n #lloyd hansen x female reader #lloyd hansen x fem!reader #lloyd hansen one shot #lloyd hansen blurb #lloyd hansen imagine #lloyd hansen ask #lloyd hansen fanfic #lloyd hansen fanfiction #lloyd hansen fic #lloyd x princess #lloyd hansen au #chris evans characters fanfic #chris evans characters au #chris evans character x reader #chris evans characters fic #the princess and the lawyer #the princess & the lawyer #the princess & the lawyer: ask

[highnoonmiller]

The Good I’ll Do- Chapter I

WARNINGS: Smut,unprotect PIV (wrap it up folks) AFAB! READER, no use of YN, no descriptions of reader, mentions of alcohol, nicknames of baby, darlin, sweetheart, pretty girl, male receiving oral, female receiving oral.

Note: this is my first time ever writing smut so I’m sorry if it’s awkward! Also pls let me know if I didn’t tag something in the warnings ❤️

WORDS: 5.7K

“I mean I definitely think you should go! It will be a good opportunity to make friends! You can’t just hang out with me and Dan until you’re dead.” Olivia stabs at her salad. “I mean not that I wouldn’t WANT you to. I just think that it’s a good idea.”

Olivia has been your absolute best friend since 8th grade when she moved to your hometown after her dad got a new job. Her friend, Tommy Miller, is on leave from the Army for another week and decided to throw a New Year's Eve party. Once he had heard Olivia had recently moved to Austin he immediately invited her and in return, she asked if you could go. To which Tommy responded,

‘The more the merrier’.

“My whole life plan was to hang out with you and Dan till I died!!! You’re kinda ruining my life right now.” You joked back.

“I’m being serious. All you’ve done since we moved here in November is go to work and go home. I really think this will be good for you!! You used to complain all the time that when you were with Jack he never wanted you to go out, he never wanted you to do anything but go to work and go home. Now look at you! Doing exactly that.”

You know she’s right. You hate that she’s right but you know she is. You don’t know why you’ve been so timid about going to this party. It IS a good opportunity to meet people that aren’t your coworkers, Olivia, or her boyfriend Dan.

“I’m more than likely going but I will let you know for sure by the end of today okay?” You say with a sigh. Olivia is content enough with that answer and either way, your lunch break is over and it’s time to get back out there.

You sat down at your computer, wondering how you could have gotten so many emails in only 30 minutes. You cracked your knuckles and got to work on responding to them and completing the small project your boss had given you for the day. Only four more hours to go.

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The workday passed by relatively quickly. Before you knew it it was 5 o’clock and you were meeting Olivia at her car.

You try the door handle only to be met with a locked door and a smug-looking Olivia inside. She cracks the window slightly so you can hear her.

“I’m not letting you in until you give me an answer. Actually, I’m not letting you in if you don’t give me the answer I want.”

“Fine! I’m going! Are you happy? Now unlock the fucking door, you psycho.” You say with a small huff. She happily obliges, finally letting you into the car.

“See? That wasn’t hard now was it!”

You scrunch up your nose at her and stick out your tongue. You opt to turn up the music rather than respond to her.

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Joel is standing in his kitchen, emphasis on HIS kitchen. Tommy, who has just informed him that he wants to throw a New Year’s Eve party at his house, is really putting on the puppy dog eyes.

“I don’t know Tommy… I‘ve got Sarah to think about. I can’t just have a party because you want to.“ Joel swipes down his face in frustration.

“I already talked to Mama and she said she would LOVE to watch Sarah for the night.”

“And are you going to make the drive out to Mama's?” Joel says, cocking his eyebrow.

“If it means you're saying yes I will,” Tommy says with a grin plastered across his face.

“Fine!” Joel throws his hands in the air giving in to Tommy. “I’ve got a couple of ground rules. One: no more than 10 people… INCLUDING me and you, two: I want everyone gone by 2 AM, Three: you got to clean this whole fuckin’ place after.”

“Deal!” Tommy was so excited it was shocking he wasn’t jumping up and down. He knew Joel would eventually say yes. That is why he has already started inviting people.

“Don’t make me regret this, Tommy,” Joel says, pushing himself off the counter to go get his daughter, Sarah, up from her nap.

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It was finally the day of the party. You guys weren’t supposed to arrive at the Miller’s until 9 PM but with the way you and Olivia had a pension for being late, you probably wouldn’t pull up till closer to 9:30. What wasn't helping the situation was the fact that you had nothing to wear. Well, nothing is a bit of an exaggeration. You've tried on everything from dresses to skirts, to jeans and shirts. All of it is currently laid in a haphazard pile on your bedroom floor. None of it was right.

You had just put on a pair of jeans with a faded band t-shirt that your dad had given you years prior, a pair of black boots, and a gray flannel on top. You stood at the mirror, biting your lip trying to decide if you actually liked it or if you were just ready to throw in the towel and wear whatever. You were pulled from your thoughts by a small knock on your door.

“Damn girl it looks like a fuckin’ tornado has hit in here’ Olivia says in your doorway with a small laugh. She has on a decently similar outfit, baggy jeans with a white tank top and a baggy green cardigan on top. White sneakers on her feet. Her curly hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. She always manages to make everything look effortlessly beautiful

“Shut up.” You quirk back. “I felt awful in everything I put on.” You run your fingers through your hair with a sigh.

“You look great. I’ll break up with Dan right now, don't try me.”

“You’ll do what?” Dan’s tall figure appears behind Olivia, seemingly out of nowhere, making her jump back in surprise.

“You heard me. I love her, she’s my wife, and you’re just my boyfriend”

“Ladies. Ladies, no need to argue about little old me.” You say, using your hand to fan yourself for dramatic effect.

“Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say,” Dan says. “So are we all just gonna stand here or are we actually going to get to the damn party?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m as ready as I'll ever be. Let me just grab my purse.”

You grab your purse and you three are off to Dan’s car. Dan makes a quip about you guys only being a measly 15 minutes late rather than 30. You’re nervous the entire 10-minute drive to the party. Maybe it’s the fact that you'll basically be in a room full of strangers, maybe it's because Olivia did not have an answer to literally any of the questions you had tried to bombard her with.

‘How many people are going to be there?’

‘No clue.’

‘You said it’s Tommy’s brother's house, does he even know I'm going?’

“I mean, that’s kinda on Tommy. And considering how grumpy Joel usually is, I'd assume Tommy told him.’

‘Wait what about-’ Olivia cuts you off

‘Girl you have GOT to chill. I promise it will be fine’

You guys pull into the driveway. It’s a cute house in the suburbs of Austin. Olivia knocks on the door which is immediately swung open by who you assume is Tommy Miller by the way he immediately pulls her into the biggest bear hug you’ve ever seen.

“Liv! Damn it's been too long” Tommy proclaims, letting her go.

“It really has been! I’ve missed you guys.” You and Dan stand awkwardly behind her on the porch, mainly waiting to be let inside. You need a fucking drink.

Tommy moves out of the way to let the three of you in. There's a small crowd of people already, mainly just sitting in the living room, talking amongst each other.

“This is Dan, my boyfriend,” Olivia says pointing to Dan. “And this is my best friend,” Olivia says, giving Tommy your name.

“Wow, nice to finally meet my replacement after all these years.” Tommy jokes to you, slapping your shoulder.

“Yeah, don’t worry I’ve been taking good care of her. Not that she needs it.” You joke back

“Drinks and food are over there in the kitchen and the bathroom is going to be just down the hall to your left,” Tommy says pointing at both places. You beeline straight for the kitchen, pulling a seltzer of some sort out of the cooler, and easily downing half of it.

“It’s not goin’ anywhere” The unfamiliar voice made you jump a little, looking in the direction it came from you saw who may have been the most handsome man you had ever seen. He’s tall, and broad, with a mop of dark brown hair on top of his head. He actually makes your brain malfunction for a second. Realizing that you’ve been staring at him wide-eyed for too long by the cock of his brow and slight smirk across his face.

“Yeah maybe not but it doesn’t do me any good just sitting in the can now does it?” You manage to snark back.

“True that. You must be Olivia’s friend. I’m Joel, Tommy’s brother.” Joel pushed himself off the counter and held out his hand for you to shake. In this moment you realize just how much he towered over you. You give him a quick handshake back and give him your name in return.

“Well, it was nice to meet you.” Joel grabbed himself a beer and headed out into the living room. You finished off your first drink and grabbed another. If your nerves weren’t shot to begin with they definitely are now.

You make your way into the living room, scanning around the room for Olivia. Once you find her, sitting on the floor by the coffee table, chatting with the other partygoers you plop down beside her.

After a couple of more drinks, you find yourself really happy that you came. Everyone was honestly really nice. The conversation seemed to flow among you guys easily. You, Tommy, and Olivia shared stories of all the trouble you had gotten into, effectively deciding that since Olivia was the common denominator she must have been the problem.

Joel and Dan were a part of a slightly heated card game off to the side of the living room. It was hard to not try to take peaks of Joel from the corner of your eye anytime you could. You also could have sworn he was sneaking glances at you but that could have been your delusion talking.

“Hey, I’m gonna step outside for a minute.” You poke Olivia to let her know where you’re going. It was feeling a bit hot, whether that be from the actual temperature of the house or the alcohol coursing through you.

You make your way out of the sliding glass doors and onto the porch, taking advantage of the cool Texas air. After a few moments alone outside you hear the sliding glass door open. You turn around to see Jole stepping out onto the porch.

“Just stepping out for a cigarette,” Joel says holding up his pack of Marlboro reds. He takes one out, bringing it up to his lips, taking his lighter to the butt, and inhaling the smoke. You never thought that something as simple as lighting a cigarette could be so fucking hot but Joel Miller is full of surprises.

You and Joel stand together in a comfortable silence, both of you leaning forward on the porch railing. You find yourself looking up at the night sky. The light pollution in the city of Austin is horrendous and further out into the suburbs, you can see so much more.

“It sure is pretty ain't it?” Joel says, his thick accent breaking the silence.

“Yeah, it's actually what I miss about being back home. I could step out into my backyard and see the sky just lit up with stars.” You tell Joel, still looking up.

“Man, this isn’t anything compared to what’s out at my mama's. My parents basically live out in the sticks so you can pretty much see every star in the sky on a good night.”

“I bet that's so beautiful.”

“It really is.” Joel agrees, putting out his cigarette, flicking the butt into the ashtray beside him. “Have you been enjoying yourself tonight?”

“I really have. I was a little nervous to come honestly. I haven’t gotten out of the house much since I moved out here.” You say, nervously twiddling with your hands.

“Well, I’m happy to hear that.”

You and Joel stand outside together for a little while longer. The two of you talk about everything from your jobs to family to sharing past funny stories. The conversation with Joel flows so easily, it never feels like there’s an awkward pause or that you had said the wrong thing. He laughs at your jokes and listens intently to every word you say. The way he stares at you, it seems like he’s trying to stare straight into your soul.

From inside the house, you can hear the count down from 10 begin.

“This may be too forward, and please forgive me if it is, but you might just be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Joel says closing the gap between you two.

“I don’t think it’s too forward at all.” You reply, feeling the blush spread across your face. He was so close you could fully inhale his scent. He had mentioned in your earlier conversation that he worked as a contractor for a small company here in Austin. He smelt like fresh pine, soap, and a dash of mint from the gum he had popped into his mouth after he had finished his cigarette.

It felt like you and Joel were at a stalemate, in a limbo of neither person taking the full plunge to the next step. No one moving forward and no one moving backward. It was only a few moments before the countdown finally reached one.

“Fuck it,” Joel stated, closing the gap between you two.

The second Joel’s lips touched yours you felt your body light on fire, wrapping your arms around his neck while he wrapped his around your waist, pulling you in even closer, molding your two bodies together. You feel the swipe on his tongue across your bottom lip, asking for access. You part your lips for him as his tongue begins to dance with yours, exploring the inside of your mouth, he nips lightly at your bottom lip with his teeth. Kissing Joel makes you feel lightheaded, he feels like he’s everywhere all at once. His large hands explore your back and down your arms. You card your hands through his hair, his hair is so much softer than you could have expected, you explore down the front of him, feeling the firmness of his chest and arms, no doubt forming from the physical labor he spends his days doing.

It feels like forever and not enough time at all when you two pull away. You take a few moments to look at each other, Joel’s hair is sticking up in every direction and you have a feeling that any makeup from your lips is long gone.

“God, you’re just so fucking beautiful…” Joel says, almost like it was a thought that he had let slip out. You can’t help but grin at his words.

“You’re not too bad yourself, cowboy.”

“Cowboy, huh? Darlin’ I don’t think I’ve done anything that would qualify me to be a cowboy in my life.” Joel smiled brightly back at you.

“Yeah well you’re handsome and tall and southern so that means you're a cowboy.” You quip back.

“Well coming from a mouth as pretty as yours I’d be happy to be called anything.” Joel’s eyes flicker down to your lips whilst his fingers softly brushed them. Your brain feels like it’s buzzing, you can’t even form a fully coherent thought, all you can think it’s ’Joel, Joel, Joel’. You want to scream his name like it’s your own personal mantra, you want him in a deep carnal way.

“Joel, fuckin’ kiss me again.” You say in almost a whisper like it was a secret only meant for him.

By god, he didn’t need to be told twice. He kisses you hungrily, his large hands molding into the small of your back, pushing you deeper into him, like he needs to feel you, to feel the weight of you against him. He moves his lips to your neck, sucking and nipping at all the right places, your hands have made a place in his hair once again, as you squeeze on the dark strands trying to stifle a moan. You feel Joel smirk against you.

“How much you wanna bet those pretty little panties you got on are soaked for me?” Joel moves away from your neck to whisper into the shell of your ear.

“How bad do you wanna find out?”

Joel popped his head up to look at you, his pupils looking fully blown with desire and a smirk across his face. Instead of saying anything back he pulls away from you fully, grabs your hand, opens the glass door, and the two of you hurriedly rush to the stairs trying to not be noticed by too many of the partygoers.

Joel’s lips are back on yours the second the door to his room shuts. It’s all teeth and tongue, he’s everywhere all at once again, exploring your mouth with his tongue, nipping and the plush of your bottom lip. His hands are pushing the flannel you have on off your shoulders and down your arms until it pools onto the floor. Your hands are under his navy blue t-shirt roaming the expanse of his chest and shoulders, he feels warm and sturdy. He begins to gather the material of your shirt and push it up and off your body, you break away for a moment, pulling the garment completely. Joel moves back to your neck, leaving small open-mouth kisses from the top of your neck, down to your shoulders and collarbone as his hands make quick work of the hooks of your black bra.

“Fucking hell.” He mumbles to himself now that your chest is fully exposed. You feel the blush creep across your face and his large rough hands ghost over your soft round chest. “You’re fuckin perfect”

He dips his head down and his lips attach to one of your pert nipples, swirling his tongue around as his other hand expertly pinches and twists your other nipple, making you throw your head back with a moan. He comes off your breast with a pop and stands back up fully. You look back up at him through your lashes and tug on the hem of his shirt, a hint of needing to see more of him, to feel more of him. He pulls off his shirt from the bottom, the way that men tend to do, like he’s unwrapping a present and you can’t wait to get your hands on him.

Once his shirt is fully off he’s walking you backwards towards his bed, mouth on yours whilst your hands dance around his new exposed skin, you want more, you need more of him. Your knees hit the side of his bed and you move up until you are fully lying back onto with Joel’s body slotted between your hips. You give an experimental roll of your hips over the large, hard bulge in his pants, needing the feeling of the friction it gives to your poor throbbing cunt.

Joel tips his head back and sighs. “Fuck darlin’, I need you.”

He looks back down at you for a moment before beginning to ghost small kisses down the expanse of your torso. You’ve never had a man take such time with you. It always felt like it was a race to their finish line, never really caring much about you, or how into you were. Every single touch Joel made had you feeling electric like he was worshiping you.

He kneels down, taking off each of your shoes, and throwing them somewhere in his room. He moves back up placing one small kiss on your stomach, above the waistband of your jeans. He pops the button and undoes the zipper, stopping for a moment to look at you, silently asking if this is okay. You give him a nod and that was all the permission he needed as his hands bring down your jeans and panties for him in one moment, tossing them into the unknown with every other garment you had on when you entered his room.

You were bare and on full display for him, cunt glistening and throbbing with need. His fingers ghost along your outer lips, teasingly and you shudder at his touch. He kneels back down on the floor, throwing your legs over his shoulders. He peppers more open-mouth kisses along your bare thighs, they are sporadic, never fully reaching the place where you need him most. Your breath is labored with anticipation. His fingers lightly graze through your folds as he looks back up to you.

“You’re fuckin soaked baby. Is this all for me? I knew it would be. I knew you had just soaked right through them little panties.” Joel says, his voice low and rough, as his fingers finally apply more pressure to your clit. The pads of his fingers make tight circles.

You feel the moan rip through your chest, having no regard for the room full of people just downstairs. “Fuck. Yes, Joel. It’s all for you. Please.”

“Please what baby? Tell me what you need.” He asked, dipping his fingertip into your cunt, not enough to give you what you need but enough to tease you.

“Fuck Joel, need your fingers, your mouth, need you. Please, need you.” It comes out frantic and needy but you don’t care. You’d say whatever he wanted to hear if it meant he would give you what you so desperately wanted.

“See pretty girl? All you had to do was ask.”

Then his lips are attached to your bundle of nerves, as he glides two fingers into your needy hole. It was everything all at once, sending a shock through you arch your back up with a moan. Joel’s other hand sneaks on top to hold your wiggling hips in place. His fingers set a brutal place whilst his mouth switches from sucking to licking. He has you so close to the edge so quickly that it’s almost embarrassing. He can feel you flutter around his fingers. His mouth pulls off from your cunt and he mumbles,

“You taste so fuckin sweet baby, so fuckin sweet. I need you to come, need you to soak my face.” His fingers are still expertly pounding in and out of you.

He attaches his mouth back to your clit, sucking and giving the bundles of nerves a swirl of his tongue. The build-up of everything from before, his words, the teasing touches, the way he was eating you out like a man starved was enough to have the coil that had wound up so tightly in your stomach snap.

“Fuck Joel! I’m-“ You threw your head back completely with a moan. Your whole body goes hot and your vision goes white. It was so intense, you don’t think a man has ever made you cum, and especially not like that. Joel slows down his finger movements, fucking you through it with praises of ‘just like that pretty girl’ and ‘fuck baby I got you’.

When you finally come down enough to open your eyes back up. You see Joel above you, fingers hovering over your mouth, offering you a taste of your own arousal. You part your mouth as he slips his fingers inside, swirling your tongue around. He lets out a moan at the sight.

“You dirty fuckin girl.”

You give him a light push off of you until his feet are fully planted on the floor and you slip off his bed and onto your knees.

“Darlin’ you don’t have“ Joel begins but you cut him off.

“I want to.” You say definitely. Your hands ghost over his bulge, you could tell from the way he was pressed against you earlier that he was large but when your hands come up to undo his belt, popping the button, undoing the zipper, and pulling down his jeans and black boxers till his cock sprung free, he was definitely bigger than you anticipated. You wrapped your hands around his shaft, giving it a few experimental pumps, as the precome leaked out of his red and angry tip. He felt hard and heavy in your hand and as much as you wanted to tease him in the ways he teased you, you needed him in your mouth. You need to know what he tasted like, you needed to know what he sounded like as you gagged on his cock.

You lean forward, wrapping your lips around the tip, whilst your hand still pumps the rest of his shaft. He tastes slightly salty from the precome that leaks onto your tongue. His hands find place in your hair, gathering the strands into a makeshift ponytail, as you push him deeper into your mouth. You curl your tongue into the underside of his shaft, as he lets out a deep moan bucking his hips into your mouth.

“Fuck, sweetheart. Just like that. You’re doing so good for me.” He rags out breathlessly.

You moan around him. Your cunt throbbing from his praise, as you begin to work down on him more, taking his heavy balls into your hands and lightly squeezing and pulling them. You can feel the drool coming off your bottom lip as you take him deeper, your throat constricting as you gag on his cock. You come up gasping for air, looking up at him as you pump him. His chest is heaving and his eyes are fixated on you. His stare is intense as you smile at him. He pulls you up off the floor and throws you back onto his bed. You land with a bounce, on your back, legs spread and ready for him.

He begins to rummage through his nightside drawer frantically. You see his shoulders physically drop with disappointment.

“It’s um- it’s been a while and I don’t have a condom. I can go downstairs and ask Tommy but-“ he says, you can feel the disappointment radiating off of him.

“I’m on the pill… and I’m clean. So if you are and you’re fine with it, so am I.” It was probably stupid. It was actually definitely stupid to let this man you met tonight fuck you raw but fuck it. You need his cock in you like yesterday.

“Oh, baby I am more than fine with it.” And with that, Joel fully strips himself down and places himself on top of you.

He’s running the thick head of his cock through your fold, making you whimper. He dips just the head in before retreating out and back through your folds. It’s driving you fucking insane, every last bit of patience evaporating from your body.

“Joel, please.” You say, the words coming out more whiny than you intended.

“Please what darlin'? You know all you gotta do is ask, pretty girl.”

“Fuck Joel, please. Please fuck me.”

And with that, Joel slowly pushes himself into you. He bottoms out with a moan. You feel so fucking full, so fucking full of him. All of your senses are surrounded by Joel Miller.

“You’re so fuckin right darlin’. Gimme a second” He takes a moment to regain his composure as you rake your fingers down his back.

His pace starts slow and deep. You can feel every single time his thick cock kisses the tip of your cervix. It feels so good you need him to fuck you harder, faster, you need more.

“Joel please-“ you let out a moan as his cock punches into you one more time. “Fuck, need more, need harder.”

“My pretty little girl needs more?” He says drilling into you at a faster pace now. Your brain malfunctions and all you can do is moan back in response.

He’s drilling into you so fast and hard now that you feel your entire body bounce. You can feel yourself almost to the edge and Joel can feel it too.

“You’re so close aren’t you baby? Tell me what you need. Want you to fuckin’ soak my cock.” Joel says lowly, dipping his head down to the shell of your ear.

“Need- need you to touch me. Please fucking touch me”

“Good girl, you have such good manners.”

Joel shifts all his weight onto one hand whilst the other comes down to rub tight circles on your clit. You scream out at his touch, nails digging hard into his back. A few more thrusts and you feel yourself snap as you come around him. He slows down, fucking you through your second orgasm of the night. He pulls out completely when you come down, making you whine at the loss of him.

“Hands and knees baby.” He says, helping you move into position.

His hands run over the swell of your ass and the arch of your back. He lets out a shuttered breath at the sight of you, face down, ass up. He drags his cock through your folds once more before fully dipping himself in. He somehow feels even bigger like this. You feel yourself gush around him as he sets a brutal pace again, pounding into you.

“I ain’t gonna last much longer, pretty girl. Where do you want it?” He moans out.

“Inside. Inside please, need to feel you, need you to fill me up.”

“Fuck- fuck baby. Yeah? Need me to fill you up? Want to feel me dripping out that pretty little cunt?”

“Please-“ you let out another moan as he hits your spot once again. “Need it. Need it so bad”

“Come with me, baby.” He reaches his hand down back to your clit, you still feel so sensitive from the orgasm you had just moments before.

“Can’t.” Is all you manage to choke out

“Yes, you can. I know you can, be a good girl and soak my fuckin cock again.”

You feel your body go hot and tears prick at the corner of your eyes. It’s all almost too much. Joel’s thrust gets sloppier as you snap for the third time tonight, feeling your body physically shake from the pleasure, eyes rolling into the back of your head. Joel is only a few moments behind you, thrusting deep inside you as you feel his cock pulsate as he fills you with come.

He fully takes himself out of you as you relax into the mattress. He lays on top of you for a moment, catching his breath.

“You good?” He asks sincerely.

All you can manage is a mhm. He has thoroughly fucked you stupid. He lets out a small laugh before getting up and making his way into the bathroom. A few moments later he brings out a warm rag and wipes you clean.

“I’m gonna go downstairs, see who’s all left, and get us some water. Feel free to use the bathroom, I have some clothes in the drawer if ya need it.” He tells you, pulling on a new pair of boxers and sweatpants from his laundry pile. He finds his shirt from early and throws in one before heading downstairs.

You roll over to check the time on the digital alarm clock on his bedside table to see it reads 3 AM. You slip into the bathroom to pee and wash the makeup from your face the best you can with the bar of soap he has sitting on his sink. You go back into his room, rummaging through his drawers to find a pair of boxers and an oversized Texans t-shirt.

You find your jeans and pick your phone up out of the back pocket to see you have a plethora of missed texts from Olivia.

Liv: girl I know you didn’t go upstairs with Joel ;)

Liv: have fun! Be safe! Use a condom!

Too late for that.

Liv: we ended up having to leave :( didn’t think you two would be up there for that long ;) call me if you need a ride back!

You sent her a quick text that you were good, you figured if anything you could just awkwardly ask for Joel to take you home, and that you would give her all the details later.

Joel comes back in holding two water bottles for you and him, which you take gratefully.

“Everyone’s left. Tommy is completely passed out on the couch. The hangover he’s going to get tomorrow..” Joel tells you.

“Yeah… Olivia and Dan were kinda my ride.” You told him sheepishly.

“Oh-“ Joel started, you felt your heart sink to your stomach before he continued. “I mean I can definitely take you home darlin’ but, you’re more than welcome to spend the night.”

You felt your heart go back into place and flutter. Fuck he was really nice.

“I’d like that.” You tell him with a smile.

You two make your way into his bed. His light blue sheets surround you. You’re on your side as he spoons himself close to you. You didn’t even realize how tired you were till your head hit the pillow and your eyes got heavy. The last thing you remember is Joel kissing the top of your head with a ‘goodnight’ and him mumbling something about how you looked better in his clothes.

Next part

#joel miller #joel x reader #pedro pascal #joel tlou #the last of us #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller smut #joel smut #joel the last of us

[taizi]

soft ground, claiming moon

out-monster the monster

@natsumeweek 2023 day 1; sun/moon read on ao3

(next) 

x

The worst part about all of this is that Shuuichi found out by accident.

Natsume was uncharacteristically energetic on the phone. Not so much excited as anxious, and not overly so by any normal person’s standards, but Shuuichi knew him just well enough to tell.

It wasn’t his place to pry. But Shuuichi spent a good chunk of his time worrying about that boy, small and overshadowed and terribly lonely, so maybe he was entitled to prying just a little.

“Any big plans this weekend?” he said conversationally.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know if you’d call them ‘big,’” Natsume replied, with the slightest trip in his tone that would have been a huff of laughter if Shuuichi was talking to anyone else. “All of us are staying at the temple. Tanuma’s place, I mean. Even Ogata and Shibata are going to be there.”

“So it’s a party,” Shuuichi teased, something in his heart going soft the way it always does when he’s reminded that Natsume has a big group of chaotic, good-natured friends who are happy to go out of their way to spend time with him. “I didn’t know you had it in you! Especially since you fight tooth and nail to avoid going to all the ones I invite you to.”

This time, Natsume really did breathe out a laugh. It was a big personal win for Shuuichi.

“Definitely not a party,” the kid said dryly. “At least, not by your standards.”

“Well, it’s at least partly a party if the whole gang’s getting together. What’s the occasion?”

“The full moon rises on Saturday,” Natsume explained, as if that was a very normal thing that normal people were both aware of and planned events around. 

“If you tell me Taki has finally turned you into a witch, I’ll be very disappointed,” Shuuichi said, only half-joking.

“I don’t want to be a witch or an exorcist, thanks. I have enough on my plate as it is, don’t you think?”

Considering one half of his bloodline’s very storied history, and the gift—or curse—his heritage granted him, Shuuichi has to admit that Natsume makes a compelling argument. It’s a mark of how far they’ve come that they’re able to joke about it with each other on the phone.

“Satchan’s probably going to be too tired to do much of anything,” Natsume was saying. “I think we’ll mostly wind up napping and watching movies.”

Ah, the small-town mountain life, Shuuichi thought to himself, not unkindly. He would have gone insane with boredom if he was stuck in Hitoyoshi at fourteen, but Natsume, who has lived in a dozen different places in half as many years, genuinely seems to love it. At least there’s relatively less trouble for him to find out there. 

At least he’s well-protected from people like Shuuichi out there—people who made a career out of hunting down people like Natsume.

Shaking away the grimmer thoughts, Shuuichi asked, “Do I know Satchan?” 

He was familiar with the names of Natsume’s friends, given how often Natsume talked about them, but that one wasn’t ringing a bell. 

“Oh, uh, I meant Nishimura,” Natsume said quickly. He sounded embarrassed. “That’s—Kitamoto calls him that.” 

Saving the cutesy nickname as mockery material for another day—they would definitely be revisiting that—Shuuichi said, “Ah, your friend with the excellent taste in movies! Is he not well?”

“He’s fine.” Natsume’s tone took an oddly defensive turn. “We’re taking care of him.”

Something about that pinged in Shuuichi’s brain as very weird, but a lot of conversations with Natsume did that. If he stopped and wondered about every strange thing his young friend said, he’d never get anything done.

It’s not until much, much later, when Shuuichi is juggling emails from his agent about his role in an upcoming period piece and exorcist correspondence regarding a grudge in Osaka, that it occurs to him what weirdness, exactly, the back of his mind had picked up. 

A few weeks ago, there was an animal attack out in the forest that all the children frequented. Shuuichi found out through Touko, who called him to explain why Natsume would not be making the trip to Tokyo to visit him on set after all. Satoru was in the hospital, she told him. Natsume hadn’t gone to school in days, camping in the boy’s hospital room with their friends. They could hardly be budged. 

It was so strange, Touko had said tearfully, because no one in town had a dog anywhere near big enough to do that kind of damage. And there certainly weren’t any wolves left in Japan.

He had reached out to Natsume the next day, sending him a paper man that delivered the question, Do you need my expertise? 

He was a monster hunter, and it was a simple, unacknowledged way to ask if there were monsters at large in Kyushu. Natsume’s reply came within the hour, the talisman paper turned brittle with the powerful signature of his magic. It was ozone and static electricity, the wildness of nature. The touch of it contained the barest hint of a threat. 

No, it read. We’re taking care of him. 

“Fuck,” Shuuichi says out loud, to Sasago and Hiiragi’s disdain and Urihime’s delight. He’s up and moving a second later, barking over his shoulder for the familiars to begin sealing the doors and windows, setting up the barrier, preparing the house for an extended absence. One never knew how long a job might take. 

Shuuichi yanks open a cabinet door in his workshop. A neat row of silver tools glint with promise beneath the warm lamp light.

There is at least one wolf left in Japan. 

#natsumeweek #natsume yuujinchou #natsuyuu #natsume takashi #natori shuuichi #my writing #natsuyuu fic #im a day behind :') #soft ground claiming moon

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hi dani. I was just wondering how you're doing. I haven't asked in a while bc life is too hectic rn. I hope you're doing amazing and staying hydrated. 💕

Yana! Hello!

Thank you for asking. Very kind of you <3

I am actually very excited because I am going on my FIRST ever proper "vacation" (i am doing the automicatic email thingy where i tell people i am on vacation so kindly fuck off and everything lmao).

I have a whole month away from work (Except for one week in between where i have to attend a queer and sexuality seminar but i'm sure it's going to be very interesting) so i am super super looking forward to the vacay because i've never taken a month away from work and never gone on a solo trip focused on leisure so keep me in your thoughts and prayers hehe.

Also i am going to use this holiday as the time to think a little about my original writing too so i am so happy about it!!

#thank you for the love!!

[stuffymcstuffsworld]

The cables out

In retrospect, you really should have tried this a lot sooner. I mean, just how long has it been since you left in the first place? You really hoped technology hadn't had a sudden advancement in the time you've been gone.

You winced a bit as sparks flew from the wires you were connecting. Letting out a sharp click of your tongue, you continued. As if that was gonna prevent you from getting some good old Saturday morning cartoons.

You examined your work for a moment. Would it work? Were you going to need a larger power source? Mmmm, a test should be fine. At least it wouldn't explode.... you think.

You should probably start small. Grabbing your phone, you started small. Accessing your earth email. The signal was weak. Barely a single bar. You would need to make a stronger antenna.

That took you maybe two to three days. Only because you had to do more research on hell's power grid. Which was just as complex as earth's. Yeah, you weren't very happy about all the complecations. Why didn't they simplify it?

You grabbed a spare TV and set it up in one of the spare classrooms. There is no sense in destroying any of the used roo.s was there? Balam beside you with a barrier at the ready.

"What is the purpose for this exactly?" He asked. "Well, if this works, you'll be able to witness firsthand human entertainment, receive current events of earth, and possibly get an understanding of the complex society known as humans." You pointed the remote at the TV.

... Well, it didn't explode. That was a good start. You eyed the static with a frown. Hmmmmm... oh! Walking over, you carefully gave the side of the screen a sharp smack. Sound burst to life from the speakers. * In recent news, there has been multipl-*

You turned the volume down slightly and fiddled some more with remote and cable wires. "I've never heard this language before. What are they saying?" You paused. Turning to look at the excited gargoyle. You had forgotten the language barrier.

Quickly grabbing some paint, you drew some translation runes on the back, hoping it would work. * The newest addition to the zoo was born last night. Say hello to Emma the elephant. She's looking-*

Balams' eyes were glued to the screen in wonder as you walked back around. The picture had come in of a baby elephant sleeping against its mothers side. You chuckled. Before glancing at the date in the corner.

The image changed to a building that had been on fire, so you quickly started flipping through channels. "What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm seeing how many channels we have access to." You casually shrugged.

You stopped when you saw an old but familiar movie playing. The large demon next to you gasped. You smiled. "Humans are very fond of this art style. This and many others are called animation, which brings drawings to life."

"So it's a spell?" You snorted at the question. "No, it's multiple images seen at once giving the illusion of movement." You explain as the scene changes. You shoved him down to sit. "Shush, my favorite part is coming on."

You missed watching these silly movies. You watched as Anastasia walked through the dusty old palace. You watched as the demon cooed over the cute dog and gasped at the ghosts dancing at the imaginary ball. They shimmering colors gliding in and out of view.

Before you knew it, you were watching and explaining all that you knew, such as cars and trains. How the movie was loosely based on a conspiracy on how a single Russian princess survived after the monarchy was over thrown. You couldn't stop laughing at him when he had asked if all animals could talk.

It was such a cute and navie question. You often forgot how the Demon had first thought of the human world. Like it was some kind of utopia. Maybe if the world you came from had been more like the one Balam imagined, you would feel more homesick.

Instead, you were enjoying yourself. Not caring that you started to forget the struggles of your old life. Unfazed by the thought of not seeing the people you once knew ever again. It would be just fine. You weren't alone and struggling anymore.

#mairimashita! iruma kun #welcome to demon school iruma kun #reader #balam shichirou #balam sensei #anastasia

[torreshalstead]

It Seemed Like a Good Idea - Chapter 17

Summary - Hailey’s US visa was due to expire, which normally wouldn’t be an issue as the CPD would get it renewed but due to a backlog of paperwork, this wasn’t possible. This meant Hailey was faced with the real possibility of having to leave the country, her job and everything she held dear. That was until Jay offered up a solution which would allow her to stay in Chicago, in Intelligence, with him - they could get married. Getting married was a good idea, right?

Chapters - 17/20

Chapter Title - The Outcome

Notes - just a little reminder that there won’t be an update for the next two weeks as I’m on vacation. Chapter 18 will be posted 14th October. Happy Reading ❤️ AO3 Link

‘What is it?’ Jay groaned, rubbing his eyes as he attempted to sit up, the sleep still heavy in his limbs.

‘It’s my visa,’ Hailey murmured, not believing what she was reading.

‘Did you get it?’ Jay asked anxiously, his voice suddenly more alert than it had been just a moment before.

‘Yeah,’ she said flatly but before she had a chance to say anything else, Jay wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a tight hug.

‘See I knew it would be fine,’ he said, his voice slightly muffled from where he had buried his face into her hair.

‘Yeah,’ she said again, her eyes still scanning down the email, trying to make sense of the words before her.

‘What’s wrong?’ He said, clearly sensing something was up from her lack of reaction to the news they had been waiting months for. ‘This is what you wanted right?’

Instead of answering, Hailey passed her phone over to him, not making eye contact.

‘Dear Detective Upton, please find attached the confirmation that your application for a H-1B Working Visa for the United States of America has been approved,’ Jay’s voice tailed off as he looked between her and the email and back again. ‘Working visa? But we applied for the Spousal?’

‘Yeah,’ she said again, still plagued with the inability to form a coherent sentence.

‘What does this mean Hails?’ Jay asked. Gone was the excitement in his voice, it was replaced by apprehension and worry and she couldn’t blame him. Her own emotions were currently going haywire.

‘It means that the Ivory Tower must have got through the backlog,’ she said, taking a second to swallow before saying anything else. ‘It means we don’t need to be married anymore.’

——————————————————————————

Her words were like someone had dumped a bucket full of ice water over him. An unpleasant jolt to the system and one that left him incredibly uncomfortable.

Their marriage had never meant to last, it had always had an expiry date but he had at least thought it would take a couple of months for them to get the answer about the visa. And maybe in that time he would have plucked up an ounce of courage to tell Hailey how he really felt. To admit to her that he didn’t want to divorce her, didn’t want to pretend like their marriage had never happened. To be honest with her, and himself, and say the time they had spent as husband and wife had been the best time of his life and he didn’t want it to end.

‘Oh,’ was all Jay managed to say. He knew it wasn’t enough, knew he should have something else to say, maybe even crack a joke to lighten the mood but unfortunately the mood was as dark and heavy as it had ever been. He couldn’t think of anything to say that would break through the dark cloud that was hanging over his head.

‘Well I guess that’s good right?’ Hailey said after a moment, he wasn’t sure what he was hearing in her tone but it didn’t sound like she was particularly enthralled at their imminent change in circumstances either.

‘Yeah, I guess so,’ Jay said, suddenly aware that they were both sitting in bed together after a night wrapped up in each other’s arms, the awkwardness bubbling to the surface. ‘Did you know they were still moving ahead with your H-1B application?’

‘No,’ Hailey said, running a hand through her hair. ‘I assumed that when they sent the letter it meant they had stopped processing it.’

‘Okay,’ Jay nodded.

‘I wouldn’t have made you go through with this if I thought there was a way around it,’ Hailey said panicked, jumping out of bed as if she had been electrocuted. ‘I wasn’t trying to trap you!’

‘That’s not what I meant,’ Jay said quickly, trying to persuade her that his words had been totally innocent, ‘I know you didn’t make me do anything.’

‘I thought it was my only option,’ Hailey muttered, starting to pace back and forth across the room.

‘It was the only option Hails,’ Jay said calmly, even though he felt anything but calm. Although his own life was turning upside down at this precise moment, it was nothing to the life of the woman currently wearing a hole in the carpet as she paced. The last few months had been a rollercoaster for Hailey, and this wasn’t the end of the ride that either had been anticipating.

‘They said they couldn’t do it. Said I needed to make my own arrangements. Go back to Canada and apply from there. They never said they were going to process it anyway. They never said…’ she tailed off, her hands gesturing wildly around her as she attempted to make sense of the current state of affairs.

Jay had never seen her quite so worked up, sure when she had thought she would have to leave she had been upset but the addition of alcohol had lubricated her thoughts whereas this morning, it was all spilling out of her without the need for it.

‘Hailey,’ he said, dragging himself out of bed to stand in front of her and bring an end to the incessant pacing. Hailey had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she didn’t see him in front of her until they were almost toe to toe. ‘It’s okay,’ Jay said, putting everything he had to prevent the shaking from working its way into his voice. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and bring some sense to her tangle of thoughts.

He opened his arms in the offer of a hug and relief flooded through him as Hailey leant into his embrace, melting against his chest as her hands fisted tightly into the back of his shirt.

‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured softly against the material. Jay shook his head as he smoothed a hand over her hair, frizzy from the night's sleep.

‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry about,’ he said quietly, squeezing the arm around her waist lightly.

‘I made you marry me and you didn’t need to,’ she said and Jay thought for a second he felt the wetness of a tear seeping through his pyjama top.

‘You didn’t make me do anything Hailey,’ Jay said honestly. ‘I’d marry you again in an instant.’

And he meant it. He had no regrets about his decision to marry Hailey. Sure, realising his feelings for her had made the whole thing a little more complicated, but there wasn’t a hint of regret. She had needed him, and being the reason she smiled again and got to live the life she wanted - he could never regret that.

The pair slid into a comfortable silence, both unwilling to break the connection. They appeared to have reached an unspoken conclusion that when they pulled apart, it wouldn’t just be in the sense of the hug. It would be the end of them, if she had her visa then there was no reason for them to be married anymore. No reason either of them seemed willing to admit anyway.

——————————————————————————

When Jay emerged from the shower, he found himself alone in the apartment. Although he was not surprised, he wished Hailey was still there and they could talk about what happened, and more importantly what happens next.

He knows what he wants. Knows he’s wanted it for a long time. He loves her. He wants to be with her. To continue to call her his wife and spend the rest of his life by her side. Admitting that to himself had been hard enough however, admitting it to Hailey - that was something else entirely.

They weren’t needed into work until 9 so he assumed she had gone out for a run to clear her head. Running was her usual response to a stressful situation, pounding the pavement for hours on end seemed to act as a release valve. Jay couldn’t think of anything worse. Sure running with Hailey was fine, if anything he enjoyed it. She was in her element and always seemed lighter when she’d got her sneakers on, hair pulled back and her running cap snug on her head and he loved seeing her like that. But for Jay, the gym held the answers to stress relief. With his headphones on, he could ignore anything that was happening in the outside world. In the gym, it was just him and the weights, each rep banishing an ounce of stress so when he finally walked back out into the Chicago air, his stress had dissipated to almost nothing.

He got ready for work and shot Hailey a text saying he would meet her at the district. He failed to notice her running shoes were still neatly lined up by the front door and her favourite black cap still hung on its peg next to her leather jacket.

——————————————————————————

Maybe it was a stupid idea to come here, thought Hailey as she sat on the couch, her leg bouncing up and down, her fingers playing unconsciously with the ring on her left hand. The couch was incredibly lumpy and Hailey’s sympathy for the all doctors who she was certain had spent hours asleep on the thing was increasing exponentially.

Deciding that she had been foolish to come here, Hailey pushed herself up off the couch and began to head to the door but just as she did so, the tall red haired figure she had been intending to speak to walked through it.

‘Hailey,’ Will said, his expression uncertain as his eyes roamed over her clearly looking for any obvious sign of injuries. ‘Maggie said you were here, is everything okay? Is Jay okay?’

‘He’s fine, we’re both fine,’ Hailey said, feeling guilty for scaring Will. She should have text him to say she was coming, or better yet, shouldn’t have turned up at Med at all. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised, ‘I shouldn’t have come.’ She started to make her way towards the exit but Will side stepped and blocked her way.

‘Hey, it’s fine, I shouldn’t have assumed,’ he said lightly but remained standing firmly in front of the door. ‘Did you need me for something?’

‘Ummm…’ Hailey said, blinking hard. ‘I guess I just wanted to talk to you,’ she admitted, glancing up at Will.

People often said the Halstead brothers didn’t look alike but Hailey could see so many similarities between the man who was technically her brother-in-law and the man who was technically her husband. They both had the sort of smile that made you feel immediately comfortable in their prescience. Although Will’s eyes were darker, they still had the same sparkle in them. Currently Will was sporting a couple of days worth of ginger stubble on his cheeks and although Jay preferred to remain clean shaven, Hailey knew his beard had a spattering of ginger mixed in when he did let it grow a little. She liked it.

‘Okay,’ Will smiled, gesturing behind her to the couch she had vacated a moment ago. ‘I’ve got a couple of minutes unless all hell breaks loose,’ he chuckled and some of the tension in Hailey’s shoulders melted away. Maybe she had made the right decision to come here.

Taking a seat on the couch as Will perched on the opposite side, she knew he was waiting for her to speak first. She was the one who said she had wanted to talk, the ball was firmly in her court regarding the conversational topic.

On the drive over she had thought about what she wanted to say, what she wanted to admit to someone - that she was in love with Jay. And Will was the only person she could speak to about it. Everyone else in her life, bar the object of her affection, thought she had been in love with Jay for years. They had all either been at her wedding or at the after party, so for her to phone up Kim now and admit that it had all been a fraud, but not really because she really did love him - she’d think she was insane. Maybe she was.

Taking a deep breath which she intended to be a sign of confidence, but came out shakier than a newborn horse’s legs, she started.

‘Well you’re the only person who knows the truth about Jay and I’s marriage,’ Hailey spoke slowly, keeping her eyes firmly directed downwards.

She heard Will hum in response and was pleased he hadn’t interrupted, she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to get out what she wanted to say without an interruption, she was certain if she stopped she wouldn't be able to continue.

‘It was supposed to just be a marriage of convenience but lately…’ the words got caught in Hailey’s throat, like if she admitted out loud her feelings, that the whole world might come crashing down around her. ‘It’s felt like something else,’ she said, settling on words adjacent to the truth.

‘I got the email this morning to say my visa was approved this morning which means…’ she swallowed again, determined to get through it. ‘We don’t need to be married anymore.’

‘Oh,’ Will said softly but Hailey refused to look at him, her eyes focused on a small mark on the side of the counter on the other side of the room.

‘But…’ she blinked away tears that were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. She hated that wanting to say how she felt out loud made her feel so weak and vulnerable. ‘But I… umm…I…’ Hailey could feel the panic bubbling up inside her, the internal fight between what she wanted to say and the potential repercussions of her emotions.

As she opened her mouth to try again to admit what was in her heart, her phone rang. She couldn’t ignore it, it could be a case, Jay could need her, the team could need her.

‘Sorry,’ she said, quickly pulling out her phone and seeing Voight’s name flash across the screen. ‘I gotta go,’ she said, gesturing to both the phone and the door.

Standing up and not looking back to Will she walked across the room, he spoke up once her hand was on the handle.

‘I don’t think I’m the Halstead brother that needs to hear it, Hailey, talk to him.’

Hailey turned back, shock colouring her expression that he seemed to know what she had wanted to say, but instead of being met with a knowing grin or even a smirk. Will’s smile was soft and honest, heart warming and comforting.

‘Talk to him,’ he repeated with a little nod.

Hailey nodded and with a smile of thanks, left the doctors lounge her heart seemingly both lighter and heavier than when she had walked in.

——————————————————————————

‘I love her,’ Jay said the second Will opened the door to his apartment after Jay’s incessant knocking. Jay had sped straight over after work. It had been a day full of awkward touches and flinches, both he and Hailey had tried to dance around the conversation they had had that morning but where they normally worked smoothly side by side, today was full of friction.

‘Come in,’ Will sighed, opening the door wide for Jay to walk through and flop down onto the couch.

‘I know I said I didn’t have feelings for her, that I was just doing it as a friend, but I love her,’ Jay babbled quickly. It was like the stopper that had been keeping all of his Hailey related feelings inside, had been removed and they were all pouring out of him without restraint.

‘She’s got her visa now and we don’t need to stay married but I want to, fuck, I want her man,’ Jay ran a hand over his hair, messing up the previously neat locks. ‘She’s everything to me and I can’t just let her walk away.’

‘Have you told her how you feel?’ Will asked tentatively.

‘No,’ Jay admitted, slumping backwards, his eyes closing briefly but once images of Hailey in his arms swam through, he opened them immediately.

‘So you don’t know if she feels the same,’ Will commented, almost off-handedly but if Jay was paying more attention to his brother instead of the inner turmoil he was battling, he might have heard the inference in Will’s words.

‘No, I mean sometimes I think she does, like when she kissed me yesterday but then-’

‘She kissed you?’ Will interrupted loudly.

‘Yeah, just a peck when we were in bed last night,’ Jay brushed off.

‘Wait, you were in bed together and then she kissed you?’ Will’s eyes were wide as saucers.

‘Yeah, don’t make it weird man,’ Jay shrugged but his heart clenched. Maybe Will was on the right path, do you share a bed and kiss someone if you only have platonic feelings for them?

‘Oh sorry, you just told me you’re in love with Hailey and you’ve kissed her and slept with her?’ Will said, sarcasm dripping off his words.

‘We haven’t slept together like that,’ Jay groaned.

‘But you want to…’ Will queried.

‘Yeah…’ Jay admitted, ‘I want to. But it’s complicated, you know that.’

‘I know you love her, you’re married to her, you’re sharing a bed, she kissed you… but yeah it’s complicated.’

‘We got married because she needed a visa. We shared a bed the first time because Kim and Mak were in my room, the second time it had been a bad case and she didn’t want to be alone. And she kissed me for the same reason, it was an emotionally fraught day, I think she just wanted the comfort,’ Jay sighed. ‘There’s always a reason for it.’

‘And you don’t think that the reason is that she loves you back?’

‘I don’t know,’ Jay admitted. He really had no idea how Hailey was feeling, sometimes it felt like they were on the same page but then others she seemed to just be putting on the show and it was all an act - one that seemed to make her uncomfortable, he thinks back to her worry about Kim staying over.

‘You could ask her?’ Will offered quietly.

‘And ruin our friendship? Not a chance. I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than scare her off and lose her completely.’

‘And you’re okay with having the girl who you are in love with, just think of you as a friend?’

‘It’s for the best, it’s for the best,’ Jay repeated, trying to persuade himself that it was indeed for the best. Sure he could run home now and tell Hailey he loved her, she could smile wide and jump into his arms, kiss him senseless and tell him she had been waiting for him to say that and of course she loved him too. Or her face could be one of disgust, one of horror at the thought that the person who she had trusted more than anyone else, would tell her he loved her when she obviously didn’t feel the same back.

He wouldn’t put her in that position.

He couldn’t.

He loved her too much to ruin her life. Even if it meant he would live in agony of knowing he would never hold her in his arms and whisper in her ear how her eyes made him melt inside and that they filled his dreams every night. Would never cover every inch of her body in kisses and watch as she fell over the edge as a result of his touches. Would never admit to her that she was his home, his best friend and the person he wanted by his side forever.

He could live with that, if it meant Hailey got to live in peace and happiness.

She was the most important person in the world to him.

‘So what happens next?’ Will asked, pulling Jay from his Hailey filled thoughts.

‘I let her go,’ Jay said flatly. ‘We get a divorce.’

#upstead #jay halstead #hailey upton #chicago pd #upstead fic #one chicago #chicago pd fic #upstead fanfic #chicago pd fanfic #upstead fanfiction #chicago pd fanfiction #jay x hailey

[freneticfloetry]

fic rec friday fun

So wanted to get some hiatus rec lists going and encourage some self promo in my friends so how about sharing your top fics no matter how big or small - give us the links to your wonderful words with the Most hits/Most kudos/Most comments/Most bookmarks /Most words/Least words

My Works List's answer to everything but Most and Least Words is the same fic, because for whatever reason it is a runaway train, so I'm going to use that for the first and the second spots for everything else. Kisses to @carlos-in-glasses for the tag.

Most Hits: Ashes and Flame (Every You and Every Me) (Hunger Games Trilogy) Peeta comes home, still unsure what the word means. I finished Mockingjay about eleven o'clock one night and stayed up way too late just to write this. It was a fever bunny. I still have no idea how people are still finding and reading this fic, but I have such a fondness for it to this day.

Most Kudos: Lost in Translation (The Losers) Jensen's given a Spanish side mission, and learns more than he thought he would. Sometimes in song. Once upon a time, a friend and I made a pact to write a different NYR fic for unfilled Yuletide prompts every week for a year. That lasted exactly two weeks, because I couldn’t write short to save my life, but I had two of my favorite fic experiences ever as a result. This was the second. I always love getting to play in the brains of characters with the kind of snarky stream-of-consciousness voice Jake Jensen has, and writing this was a blast.

Most Comments: scenes from an unfinished story (told by the lost and found) (The Magicians) The summary is a story on its own, so I'll just say: it's a Queliot Hollywood AU featuring Eliot the Actor and Quentin the Aspiring Writer (who, for the moment, is a PA), based on, of all things, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. It was my Magicians Happy Ever After Big Bang, and it holds a special place in my heart for a multitude of reasons, but the holy trinity of those is that it was my first real foray into AU territory, it was the proudest I've ever been in my structure and storytelling abilities, and it gave me some of the best friends I'll ever have.

Most Bookmarks: Deck the Halls with Daddy Issues (MCU) Tony Stark doesn't do Christmas. But Steve loves Christmas, and he loves Steve, and he's going to try. (Which still doesn't mean he'll be any good at it.) Third in line here, since the second was already on the list. This was an Avengers movie spec written for the cap_ironman exchange, back in the days before the movie was actually released and squashed every Steve/Tony inkling I've ever had. I also completely forgot about it, in the madness of Yuletide that year, got a reminder email from the mods, said "no no, it's almost done!" when I hadn't written a word, and vomited this onto the page in a six-hour all-nighter. Still, it makes me smile.

Most Words: Past Perfect Future Tense (The Magicians) It happened. That they'd asked themselves how, when it's literally the least important part of this, he can chalk up to shock or shortsightedness or his own sheer stupidity. It's the why that actually matters, and he thinks he knows the answer to that. So the real question… is how to make it happen again. My monster Magicians WIP. I've nicknamed it Cerberus. Plotting this thing just about broke my brain, with all its time travel shenanigans, and the forecasted chapter count has almost doubled since I started, but I still love the idea and get excited just thinking about it. Soon, my precious.

Least Words: So Have I For You (Firefly) Discipline only carries you so far, lies are never good enough to truly fool yourself, and pride goeth before a fall. She's never been trained for this. Y'all, I used to write short fic. Granted this is about fifteen years old, but still. It is a full and complete story in less than 600 words. Where has that girl gone? This is just a little look at Inara, as she prepares to leave Serenity, and all the reasons why she has to.

I think everybody's pretty much been tagged, but just in case: @hoko-onchi-writes, @mixtapestar, @rubickk7, you're it.

#fic rec friday #my writing

[umichenginabroad]

Madrid Week 0: Stealing Grocery Bags (Goals & Reflections)

¡Hola a todos!

My name is Niko, and I’ll be blogging this semester from now until June for the CEA IPE program at Universidad Carlos III de Madrid, or UC3M.

Some quick background about me: I’m a current junior studying aerospace engineering at Michigan; I’m minoring in computer science and the international minor for engineers. I beatbox in an a cappella group, I love to rollerblade, meditate, and make pottery, & I’m a huge Bad Bunny fan (top 2% of listeners worldwide, not to flex).

My goal for writing this blog is twofold: one, to share my experiences in Madrid (and Europe when I travel around) with you all. I’ll be writing about sights I’ve seen, activities I’ve done, situations I’ve gotten myself into, and what they all made me feel. For all the prospective study-abroaders reading this, I hope you gain some insight into what studying and living in Madrid is like — and please feel free to send me an email at [email protected] with any questions. For all of my friends and family reading, I hope you enjoy staying somewhat up to date with my life while I’m away, and please don’t hesitate to reach out — I would be happy to get a more in depth account about anything I post. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out with suggestions of what you might want me to blog about. I’m open to all ideas!

My second goal: dive deeper into how all of these experiences are affecting me, and figure out how I can learn and grow from all of them. I find that when I journal about something, it helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings surrounding it. This allows me to figure out how I can use these experiences to inform my actions in the future and move closer towards being the person that I want to be. This blog might serve as a pseudo journal for me; I’m gonna try to write a short focused piece on one experience each week and see what I can get out of it.

So, as I boarded the plane to Madrid (having gone through a crisis of deciding which bag I was going to bring as my personal item just hours before [I am a chronic over packer, but I will improve this semester mark my words] ), I was feeling a mix of excitement, nervousness, and uncertainty.

It’s now day 2 of being in Madrid, and after going through the trouble of losing a bag in transit (which has since been delivered back to my apartment thanks to our awesome doorman Mario), I quickly started to experience culture shock, naturally. Most notably so far: feeling extremely embarrassed when I accidentally tried to steal a bag at the grocery store — you have to pay for bags in Madrid, and I took an extra right in front of the cashier. She wasn’t so happy.

Although I’ve been to Spain once before for a week with my Spanish class in 8th grade, things are all very unfamiliar — the pace of life, my surroundings, the people, the way you recycle, the language (although I’m happy that the 52 hours listening to Bad Bunny have served me well, I’ve found that I’m able to communicate with locals pretty fluently), among many other things. During this period of culture shock, I’m gonna try my best to pull from the biggest lesson I learned studying abroad in Buenos Aires (an amazing city, btw, highly recommend) the summer after my freshman year — lean into these uncomfortable situations. Adapting to Argentinian culture helped me learn that these situations are never a matter of life or death. Overcoming my ego and “putting myself out there” got me into some of the most incredible, memorable experiences that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

So, I’m gonna do exactly that this time around, and I know that feeling more comfortable is only a matter of time. I’m excited for all of the people that I will meet, places I will see (most pumped to return to La Sagrada Familia, stay tuned for that), experiences I will become a part of, and I’m excited to continue writing this blog!

Un beso,

Niko Economos

Aerospace Engineering

Universidad Carlos III de Madrid

Madrid, Spain

P.S. Don't forget to check the ALT/Image descriptions for a little more insight into what these photos are, especially if I don't talk about them in the main body :)

#UmichEnginAbroad #IPEUC3M #NikoEconomos #IPEWinter24 #Spain

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

The Tory Prom Parable: A Fix-It Fic in Polls: Part 4

Part 1: link

Part 2: link

Part 3: link

Previously, on the Tory Prom Parable...

You and Robby Keene crashed the West Valley High junior prom with the sole intention of pissing off your lame exes, Miguel Diaz and Samantha LaRusso. It works like a charm! They catch sight of you walking in in a power stance, and they are in fact pissed off immediately.

But there's been a snag in your carefully-crafted plan--you forgot to account for the fact you exist in a fix-it fic, so unlike the absolute trainwreck that was 4x08, Sam and Miguel will actually be acting in-character here. Which means, of course, that they immediately got the fuck out of there, considering...you know. Y'all traumatized them terribly that one time and all that jazz.

You are faced with the decision of how to proceed with your targets gone...

You decide your best move is to use the age-old wisdom "If it sucks, hit da bricks!!!" And indeed, this dance does suck balls and much battery and aggravated assault will be committed against building materials on this fine night.

"You want to get out of here?" you ask Robby. "I mean...our exes aren't even here, and prom is a stupid performative rich kid thing anyways."

His eyes light up with such unfiltered excitement that it's actually kind of cute.

Robby Keene also has pretty eyes. Not that you'd ever tell him that, no sir. You told Miguel Diaz he had pretty eyes once, and look how that turned out.

"My thoughts exactly, Tor," Robby says. "To hell with this place."

Tor?! That's kind of...

No. No, bad Tory. We're not doing this song and dance again. Dating is for schmucks who inevitably get ditched for rich kids with trust funds and whatever-the-fuck-else.

This havoc-causing night is strictly professional, and you know it.

On the way out you pass Hawk and Demetri on the dance floor, jokingly waltzing to some ballad.

At least...you think they're jokingly waltzing. They're eye-fucking the crap out of each other, which is pretty damn weird.

You wonder if perhaps it's no accident that Demetri's wedgie-receiving and also weirdly hot girlfriend is nowhere to be found.

Well, no matter.

You ram your shoulder into Demetri as you pass, making him spill punch on his stupid pac-man suit. Get fucked, nerd.

"Hey, what the fuck was that?!" Hawk shrieks after you. "Come back here! I'll beat your ass!"

"Was that Tory Nichols?" you hear Demetri say, in a tone a frightened rabbit might use if prey animals could talk. Good.

You're unconcerned. Hawk is all bark and no bite. He wouldn't have even snapped that pussy Demetri's arm if you and the Cobras hadn't been cheering him on. Take away the best of his team, and Hawk is just a weirdo with a back tattoo and a mediocre punch at best.

"What a couple of suckers," you say to Robby.

To your surprise, he frowns a little bit.

"Demetri's alright," he says. "We were in Miyagi-Do together. He's not all that annoying once you get to know him a bit."

You stop just before the back door, feeling a sudden rush of anger.

"Hey! Who never once emailed you in juvie? Who was all too happy to boot you out of his life as soon as you accidentally hurt Precious Golden Boy Miguel Diaz? Face it, Robby--he chose the aggro asshole who kissed your girlfriend and the guy who broke his own arm over you when you were nothing but a good friend to him."

Robby hesitates.

"I don't know if I was--"

"You protected that loser nerd at the mall. And again at that party. And what'd you get in return? He ghosted you and went crawling back to the same asshole buddies he joined Miyagi-Do to learn how to fight. He only hung out with you so he wouldn't be alone! Kid was all too happy to ditch you when he got back the friends he liked better. For god's sake, have a little self-respect!"

It's strange. You know these stories because you heard them from the other side--Hawk's bitching, mostly--but they're painted in a much different light when she thinks about them from Robby's point of view. He really did do everything he could to protect a naive idiot who refused to stop prodding at one of Cobra Kai's most dangerous fighters.

Demetri hardly deserves that kind of safety net.

You realize too late that you're crying. The anger has grown too raw for you to care.

Because you know what it's like. Always being second-best in someone's heart, no matter how hard you try. Getting fucked over by people you trusted with your greatest vulnerabilities. Fair-weather friends who act like they get you--who act like they care--and then vanish into the wind as soon as your uglier side pokes out.

Aisha Robinson. Miguel Diaz. Hawk Moskowitz. All the friends you've made and lost, moving schools and having new people drawn to your energy only to run when the teeth and claws come out.

Pussies, all of them. But it still hurts.

Robby is silent for some time, just looking at you in surprise. He clearly didn't expect for you to feel so strongly about some nerd in a lame pac-man suit.

Some realization seems to dawn in those nice green eyes of his. "I guess you're right," he says quietly. "I hadn't thought of it like that."

"I know the feeling." You smile weakly, suddenly not caring if you're showing a little vulnerability. "People abandoning you. Giving up on you after one mistake. If there's one thing I've learned, it's just...you have to leave them behind. You have to move on. It hurts, but they're not worth shit if you care more than they do."

"Yeah." Robby nods slowly.

He glances back to where Demetri is still on the dance floor, frantically wiping down his suit with wet napkins. He's probably making the stain worse.

"Actually, you know what?" Robby curls his lip. "Fuck him. He's a whiny bitch of a fake friend."

"Yeah!" Before you can stop yourself, you're genuinely beaming and playfully punching Robby in the shoulder. "That's the spirit! We can do better than those losers, and you know it. You'll wipe the floor with both of them at the tournament, anyways."

That seems to cheer Robby up.

He doesn't strike you as the type of guy who's gotten a lot of unconditional support in his life. You'd be happy to be the first to provide it.

Both of you scurry out the back of the prom venue and find where you parked the car. There's a bright red slip of paper tucked under a windshield wiper. You pull it out and rip it to smithereens, throwing it up so it rains down like confetti because, once again, fuck the police.

"So." You lean suavely against the side of the car, wiggling your eyebrows fake-flirtily (it's only fake flirting, you swear). "Seems like the night is ours, Keene. Guess we should make good use of it."

"Guess we should."

#tory nichols #robby keene #tory prom parable #keenry #robby x tory #tory x robby #ck polls #tumblr polls #polls #cobra kai #cobra kai season 4 #4x08 fix it #brandon nichols #demetri alexopoulos #demetri cobra kai #eli moskowitz #hawk #miguel diaz #fun fact: I was originally only going to have Robby and Tory argue about Demetri if people chose the “antagonize Hawk and Demetri” route #but I think it's such a fun little bit that I worked it into this route anyways #tbh from Robby's POV (and now Tory's too!) Demetri WOULD come across as a shitty ungrateful friend #like Robby protected him consistently in MD and Demetri ghosts the fuck outta him when he goes to juvie #and like. Obviously it's because Demetri sided with Miguel over That Whole Thing #which is 100% fair #but from Robby's POV it would probably feel like yet another betrayal and yet another person preferring Miguel over him #poor man can't catch a break :( #fwiw if it were me in that situation I'd probably side with Tory here #I have a friend who ditches me to go back to being besties with my 2 asshole nemeses??? Yeah fuck that guy I'll pour punch on his suit #also this Tory character study is so much funnnnn it's kind of amazing how much she's grown on me the last 2 seasons <3 #Robby too!

[pngboomer]

Things that help with focus/productivity, while I'm thinking about it.

This is by no means a comprehensive list but as someone who struggles with keeping up with workflow (especially going back to college), and balancing taking real breaks and how my brain works/keeps up with tasks, I've tried a lot of different apps, methods, and other such stuff -- especially stuff targeted toward ADHD brains and such.

So here is a non-exhaustive list of things I've tried and my rough opinions on them. A Disclaimer: I prefer handwriting things and tend to lose or forget things if they are on a screen. So please take any application/browser use with that grain of salt.

Notion

Calendar, wiki-maker, to-do list tracker, automation and innovation that excites. I get very overwhelmed in Notion, there's so much you can do there, but I get the interest in how it works and such. I use it to track my reading list (a snippet shown below) and a few other things that I don't really want to put somewhere else (because the tables on Notion auto-format, which is nice), so it's like a good 4/10 for me.

Obsidian

The markdown file creator and organization vault system. It's daunting to get into, a bit confusing at first, but there's a ton of videos on how to get started and how to get organized and it's so nice to have everything link together in a way that follows a legitimate train of thought. You will have to force it to be your second brain, but I like it so much better than other note-taking apps. 9/10 (it is so terrifying to get into). Bonus, though, look at my baby:

Google Calendar

yanno, one of the OGs. I want to use Microsoft calendar but that application has crashed every device I have tried to open it on. Google Calendar is good for organizing events, doing all the stuff calendar's do, and setting up recurring events and editing them with little hassle. I don't work in a team or need anyone to look at my calendar's except me, so I can't speak to that functionality, but I know it's used by a lot of people for that reason. 7/10 just because I only recently learned how to customize colors.

Microsoft Calendar

just to be fair. It would be an amazing application: integrated to-do list that is in-app, a very clean weekly look, sticky notes, all of it is hooked directly into the window you're looking at your emails at, it can auto-set reminders on a separate tab for you. Except, again, it has crashed every single piece of technology I own, including my university desktops. Just from opening it. 2/10 for wasted potential. If it works for you, I am so happy for you, but I cannot get it to work for me and that's what I'm focused on here.

Bullet Journaling

Another classic. Ryder Carrol was on something else. Quick, efficient, a great way to use up the notebooks you bought that you swore you'd use and then didn't touch for months because it "wasn't the right thing to use it for". You don't need the special dot-grid book, you don't need fancy fucking layouts. You just need a pen, some kind of notebook, and a list of things you need to get done. I love being extra about it, but there's no reason to. It's a good planner, I like having a physical copy of my life to look at and organize my thoughts with, and it's fun to do. 9/10 for easy onboarding and versatile creativity.

Various "Calendar/tracker/etc" Apps

I've gone through the gauntlet on these. Productivity apps that "plant a tree" so long as you don't use your phone so you can get stuff done, group calendar programs and browser applications, minimalist to-do lists on your phone, maximalist to-do lists on your phone, Habitica, etc. Fully ymmv on any of those, I do recommend checking out the to-do lists if you need them, but unless you have a team to manage, you don't need a calendar that isn't Google/iCal/Microsoft realistically.

Sticky Notes

Bad. Terrible idea. I hate doing it, I never remember them, and it feels wasteful. If it works for you, I'm so happy for you (genuine), but I hate it. 1/10.

White Board

Like a physical one. Full opposite of Sticky Notes, I'm not gonna lie. It's delightful, I love having it, it's not wasteful in the same way, and there's a satisfaction to erasing shit off that board. If you can afford a big one, get a big one. I have a desk one and I love it it's so nice to have. 10/10 no notes.

There's not a lot else I can think of at the moment, but thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I do have YouTube recommendations if you would like to learn to use (say) Obsidian or Notion. I also have videos on formatting Google Calendar.

#personal #productivity

[griefpersevering]

the ripples they cause

Read on AO3 🕷 Playlist 🕷 Buy me a cup of tea ☕

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Second Hand News

Notes:

Happy Tuesday everyone!! I really enjoyed writing this chapter (I just love Karen okay) so I hope you enjoy reading it too! did you guys see the new Spiderverse trailer?? I was already so excited for the film and now I can't wait until June!!

Sneak Peek:

The Starbucks Karen meets Kate at is only a few blocks over from Matt and Foggy's apartment. She spots the archer as soon as she walks through the front doors, but she stops in the queue to order a takeaway black coffee before joining her.

Kate is typing something rapidly on her phone and doesn't look up to see her companion arrive. She's grinning at whoever she's texting, and Karen hopes it's Peter. He's the one who gave her Kate's number, and when she'd asked to learn more about their shared Kingpin problem, Kate had been happy to help.

Karen pays and steps away from the counter, waiting for her name to be called. Kate isn't anything like the other superheroes she's met; the cheeriest of the Hell's Kitchen lot would probably be Danny, and he definitely has some anger issues that he should work through in therapy. Unless that's a normal byproduct of punching a dragon. She wouldn't know.

When the barista calls her name, Karen picks up her coffee and wanders over to Kate. The table she chose is out of the way, which is good; there's no one nearby to eavesdrop.

"Hi!" Kate says, shoving her phone in her cardigan pocket. "This is so exciting."

"Sorry I kept you waiting," says Karen.

She shrugs. "I got here early, don't worry about it. What do you want to know about Fisk?"

Karen glances left and right, but no one seems to be listening. "Lower your voice. There could be people watching us."

Kate leans forwards. Evidently, stealthiness has never been part of her training. "Really?"

"Yes. He has so many people working for him, it's better to be safe than sorry." She knows she sounds really paranoid, but seeming a bit unhinged is a price she's willing to pay to keep them both alive. "He's corrupted people in the NYPD, the FBI, even nurses. It's hard to know who to trust."

Kate's eyes are as big as saucers. "Woah. That's so cool."

Karen raises an eyebrow.

"Well, not cool," she quickly backtracks. "But cool, you know? Cool that I fought him and didn't die when he's that powerful."

It's hard not to roll her eyes. Kate must be about 15 years younger than her, but her relentless optimism makes her feel even younger. By her age, Karen had already ruined her life so thoroughly that she never would have dreamed of seeing her 40th birthday.

"It is impressive," she says, because she likes Kate, and she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. "But not all of us are superheroes. I'm more interested in the legal side of destroying him. Is there any evidence of him leading the Tracksuit Mafia that we could use against him?"

"I have something better," Kate says. She yanks a purple binder covered in butterfly stickers out of her backpack and slides it across the table, nearly knocking Karen's coffee to the floor. "I haven't gone through all of this, but you should find it useful. And I don't need it back. You can... you can keep it."

Karen flips it open. "What is it?" It's overflowing with papers — bank statements, emails, screenshots of text messages and more — all neatly divided into sections with markings of what year they're from.

"My mom worked for Fisk." All the joy dissolves from Kate's voice, but she keeps up a tight smile. "My dad borrowed money from him, and when he died in 2012, my mom had to pay it back. But she wanted to get out one day, so she kept this folder of evidence so she had a weapon to use against him."

"Smart woman." Karen can't believe her eyes. This folder doesn't just incriminate Fisk, but plenty of his employees too. And it goes back further than he's been on their radar — all the way back to when Matt and Foggy were still in law school.

Kate shrugs. "He still tried to kill her when she said she was leaving, and probably would have if it weren't for Clint and I. But hopefully she'll be safe in prison while he's in a coma."

Karen spots Wesley's name and abruptly shuts the folder. "Even if he wakes up, this will be enough to keep him away for a long time. And all the names in here... Daredevil can start dismantling his empire while he's unconscious."

"The only thing I ask is... Well, I know you're a journalist, but please don't write anything about what my mom did. I know some of it and it was awful, but she did it all to protect me, so..."

"I won't," she promises. And then, softening her voice, she asks, "Do you visit her?"

"We send letters to each other," Kate says. "But if I'm honest, I wouldn't know what to say to her if we met in person. She's done horrible things, and the ones I know about — what happened over Christmas — they were probably just the tip of the iceberg."

Karen sighs. "I know what you mean. It's always disappointing when are parents aren't as good as we think they are. But from the sound of it, she didn't originally choose that life. It doesn't excuse whatever she's done, but at the very least, talking to her might ease your mind."

"Maybe you're right," she replies, but she doesn't look happy about it.

"I'm biased though, so you don't have to take my advice. I lost contact with my remaining family when I was younger than you are now, and I'd do anything to fix that. But I've also learnt that your family is whoever you want it to be. And if Fisk hadn't framed me for murder and tried to have me killed in my cell, I never would have met Matt and Foggy."

Kate's jaw drops open. "Was that supposed to be inspirational? Because it was just really concerning."

Karen winks. "If you want to know the full horror story, I'll tell you someday. We all have a reason to want Fisk behind bars. But not today. We still haven't heard back about Peter's trial, and it's due to start in two hours."

"I forgot about that," she admits. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"He'll be fine. He has two of the best lawyers in New York looking after him, as well as the Vigilante Friend Network on his side."

Kate's grin is coming back. "And if he gets arrested again, we'll just break him out again!"

Karen smiles too. "Exactly."

It strikes her, then, just how many people are on Peter's side. She's seen the large crowd of supporters at the vigil and the rally, but even the celebrity appearances weren't enough to truly convince her that Peter would be okay. But when most of the public — at least, the ones with common sense — have his back, there's no way the Department of Damage Control will ever be able to get rid of Spider-Man completely.

Karen's phone vibrates in her pocket. "I've got to rush off, I'm afraid. I said I'd write an article for the Bulletin if the trial doesn't go ahead, and if it does, I'll need to be there."

Kate nods. "Well, let me know how the trial goes! Or, I suppose you don't have to. It'll be all over the news, won't it?"

"It will be." Karen's already had several journalists contact her, and she knows Matt and Foggy have had even more. Spider-Man's trial is the case of the century.

She holds up the binder before shoving it into her handbag. It barely fits. "Thank you for this, too. Are you sure you don't want a copy?"

Kate only smiles. "I'm sure. Good luck with the trial or the article! And I'm glad I could help."

Karen stands up and picks up her coffee. "I'm just glad that Peter has such brilliant friends."

Sometimes, she needs a reminder that there are good people in the world, even after terrible things have happened to them. And Kate Bishop, she decides, might be one of the best of them.

Continue reading on AO3.

#karen page #daredevil #kate bishop #hawkeye #spiderman no way home #lina lore #marvel #mcu #my writing #the ripples they cause

[meghansynan]

Life's Ironic Events

The irony is not lost on me and I hope those people who love and support me will utilize this Blog for guidance and support long after I am gone and even though the clowns tried to besmirch John Lennon's memory, his amazing memory will still live on and can never be tarnished, not by his killer or anyone else for that matter. I wanted to retire early anyway and the goal isn't to live forever, but to contribute important things to society and to leave something behind that will. I do not hate Virginia, Fredericksburg or Spotsylvania, but the individuals in attendance at the Spotsylvania Elementary School play are no friends of mine and I'm so glad they got to see a play that was all about themselves. The Circus Of Hell they create for themselves and others as well as their ignorant and sad clownlike behavior. They have bullied and harassed my son, Logan Synan and my family for years and probably will continue to do so to this day. They have physically, verbally and emotionally abused my son, Logan until he has come home crying and is traumatized about going back to school the next day. I do not want my son, Logan to live in fear and to eventually wind up dead or in the hospital when he gets older due to senseless violence perpetrated against him because of the color of his skin and not the content of his character as Martin Luther King Jr. reminds us, our character matters so much more than our color. Either way, I no longer associate with the school or teachers, my father, Joseph Synan is also my business partner and attorney if they do anything to hurt or sabotage Logan or his education and Logan's uncle who Logan is named after is a former police officer and would be happy to pay a visit to the school when he is in town and have a chat with the school about how bullying and discrimination is wrong since the teachers at the school encourage awful behavior and hatred towards others. My African and Nigerian fiance also knows what has happened to his future son and wants to sue the school and possibly get the NAACP involved. Barack Obama is biracial and was a truly incredible President of the United States, I love his books, work and family and I follow him and retweet his tweets on Twitter. "When they go low, we go high." Michelle Obama always says and she is absolutely right, I love her incredible books, work and personality also. I do not want to get carried away here, but none of us need another tragic Emmett Till situation which was heartbreaking and my thoughts and prayers are with his family. Even Trump who I respect and have recieved emails from and his son Trump Jr. was good friends with two African American women named Diamond and Silk and when Diamond passed away, Trump read a eulogy at her funeral to show his support for those two amazing women, family, friends and the African community. I'm not slandering Logan's school, it is public knowledge that Logan goes there, Logan's name was on the pamphlet they handed out for the school play and everyone in town associated with that school knows about what happened. I was just being honest and giving my honest impression of the play and how it went, I'm a Blogger and my son, Logan really wanted me to attend the play and he was really excited about it at first. Logan was just really grateful to be included and thought he was finally being accepted until this happened. I was hoping to share something positive and uplifting about the play, but had to share this upsetting news with everyone instead. I hope they can look back on those pictures and videos they took and the realization of what kind of monsters they really are will be reflected right back at them, they used and manipulated innocent children to discriminate and humiliate an innocent, biracial child named Logan Synan. No wonder we have school shootings with teachers like that in charge. It's a wonder that our children survive at school at all. I will always love and support people who love and support me. God and I have done all we can do, the rest is up to you. Thank you for your time. ♥ ☮ 🎸 🙂

[penofnelle]

Dear -

I miss you.

I haven't heard from you in almost three years, I think. The last time we spoke was through text around December of '21. You said you sent your letter, and I responded with excitement and a link to a song I thought you might like.

After that, only a few days later my next text of another link just said delivered.

I never did receive that letter.

At first, I didn't worry. It wasn't the first time we went radio silent. After all, we had spoken mostly through letters in the first place ever since you moved. And the last time you had gone silent, you had been going through some stuff. I understand.

But as it became the new year and now my text messages didn't even say delivered and no other letter did appear I grew worried. That last text mentioned you were sick. I hoped you were okay.

I still sent links to new songs and a picture of a bracelet you mailed to me a few years ago.

I wished you a happy birthday and hope you were keeping warm when the weather got cold where you lived.

I told you that I made a friend when I had been nervous and things were going well in school.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came-a year since I last heard from you. The clock struck 12 and it was the new year. I thought I should send you a letter.

I wrote a lot in that letter, since it had been so long and a lot happened. I experienced loss and grief that made me feel hollow inside for months. I hoped it would reach you like all the others.

But the text was still unread, and I never got a letter in return. I started to look up obituaries in your city, and it killed me. I didn't actually know your parents' full names or their phone numbers. All these years and I didn't know something as simple as that, but we were young. We saw each other in school for years every day. You had only been to my house one time before you moved. I never actually went to your house when you lived so close, but once I went to dinner with your family. You sat next to me at the table.

If you had died, would your parents have let me know? You had my number, my email, my address. They were sure to have seen the letters we exchanged over the years, each decorated and sent with love. If you had died, they could have easily called to let me know. Sent a letter. But I never got any of that.

I know it's a big leap to assume someone was dead, but you were never a person to just ghost someone. When we talked it was always genuine. We never fought. Too much alike and nonconfrontational. But we were always upfront towards each other.

I wrote to you about a dream where I kissed a girl and then about when I actually had my first kiss with a boy. You wrote to me about a crush you had and how my previous letter made you flustered with how I wrote it. I didn't hide things from you. You know things my family doesn't.

I never hesitated to share with you what I wrote down in ink and my attempt at cursive. I didn't see it either in your words in blue ink that you sent back on folded small sheets of paper.

I texted a common friend we had to see when they last heard from you. It had been the September I last heard from you. I asked them to send you a message, but I dont ever think they did. Maybe you told them not to share if you responded, I don't know.

Did you not want to write to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Did you grow tired of me? Forget?

Why wouldn't you tell me?

It made me sick to think about it. Either one of my closest friends died or decided to cut me off from their life.

The worst part is I don't know.

I've actually had dreams where I saw you again. Where I ran into you and finally got to know you were okay or we just talked like old times. Where I've gotten to hug you again. Where I've actually been able to ask you the question of 'what happened?'. I wake up, and it hurts to remember that it was just a dream and not a memory.

Not knowing is killing me. I've actually called you and gotten a voice-mail. It was an automated message, so I don't even know if you have that same number. I can't even hear your voice. I've left a few messages. Even saying that if this was someone else to just text me and let me know.

Please just let me know.

Love, -

#nelle writes

[i-want-candy]

No Mom, I’m Giving Up Your Dream ! [Self Para]

In which Candace tells her mom she got an internship at NASA...[takes place: May 09, 2022]

[tw -- panic attack]

“Hey, uh--Mom? Can we talk?” Candace hovered in the doorway of the living room where her mother was sitting on the couch, watching reruns of House Hunters and messing with her phone.

“Sure, sweetie. What’s up?” Linda didn’t look up from her phone.

Candace sighed and slunk into the room. Her heart was pounding, her palms were sweaty. She had felt nauseous since that morning when she’d gotten the email in her inbox. After breakfast, she had followed after Lawrence to tell him shyly that she’d gotten into the NASA program. He had smiled just about as big as she’d ever seen and even hugged her. It had made her laugh and blush and feel a little flutter of excitement against the nerves but--

The nerves still won out. They always did. 

She tried to remember the breathing that Pacifica had told her about. It had been enough to stop her hands from trembling, but not the sweat. Or the nausea. Or the feeling like something was sitting on her chest, gravity collapsing around her. 

Candace sat on the couch, curling her legs up at once. 

“Do you see this house? So ridiculous. It’s thousands of dollars outside their budget, but the wife wanted to look at it anyway because of the view. Could you imagine?” Linda said, only glancing up to check the television before going back to her phone. 

“No, I can’t. Er--I had something I wanted to tell you,” Candace tried again, now that the show had gone to a commercial break. 

Linda finally looked up. “Oh, okay. Is everything alright?” She smiled a little, brows knotting together.

“Uh, yeah. It’s about this summer.” Candace’s heart was pounding so loud in her ears now, she could barely think. Her mom was staring at her, waiting--but she knew that her attention span wouldn’t last long. She had to say it now. Say it now. Say it--

“I got an internship for this summer and it’s in California. At NASA.” 

Linda blinked once. “NASA?”

“Yeah.” Candace blew out a breath. It sounded like she had just ran a mile. 

“Why?” 

That question stumped Candace. She opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again--

“I just…wanted to.”

“You’ve never been interested in…space before.” 

“Yes I have,” Candace replied at once, feeling like she was been propelled headfirst into this conversation. “I used to have that telescope, remember? When I was little?” Dad bought it for me. She didn’t say that. “I wanted to go to space camp!” 

“No, I don’t remember that.” Linda shook her head a little, looking at Candace like she was an alien. Like she was suddenly an entirely different person. “I just don’t understand. What about the summer play?” 

“I didn’t audition,” Candace shrugged her shoulders. Even if she hadn’t gotten into NASA, she wouldn’t have wanted to do that again. Not this year.

“But you love theater.” 

“No, Mom.” Candace rolled her eyes. She felt like she wanted to jump out of her skin. She felt jittery. Like she was about to cry. “I like theater. It’s fun but--” Her breath hitched in her chest and she felt it starting to burn…whether from bile or tears, she wasn’t sure, “--it’s--it’s not what I want to do with my life.” 

“Oh.” Linda sat back a little bit. Her frizzy red hair haloed around her face, backlit by the sun. Her face was wrinkled, but in a way that still made her rather beautiful. Most of the folds were in the corners of her mouth, the corners of her eyes. Linda was always happy, always smiling. The expression on her face now made her look rather gaunt. 

Candace felt like crying. She turned her head and blinked rapidly as her mother’s face blurred. She took in another breath, forcing it into her collapsing lungs.

“Okay,” Linda finally said, shifting on the couch slightly. “I wish you would have told me.” 

There wasn’t anything to say to that. What was she supposed to say? That she had tried? That Linda had never given her a chance? Maybe she had. Maybe it was Candace’s fault. She should’ve just told her mom. It was so easy to do. The embarrassment crawled over her skin and she felt a little dizzy. 

“Yeah, uh--I-I want to do science.” 

“Are you sure?” 

No. Candace wasn’t sure. This could all be a huge mistake. She could be bad at it. It was astrophysics after all. Literal rocket science. 

She couldn’t speak, so she just nodded her head. 

There was silence for a bit and then she felt her mother’s hand on her back. “Alright. If that’s what you want to do, sweetie. I just thought--” her mother stopped. 

“Congratulations on getting the internship.” She squeezed Candace’s shoulder.

Candace drew in a breath and leaned back. Linda’s hand slipped off her shoulder and picked up her phone again. House Hunters played on the television. Birds chirped outside the living room window. 

Nothing more was said. 

#self para #no mom i'm giving up your dream #featuring linda #this isn't that good but #oh well #just needed to get this out

[sublimecatgalaxy]

la vie en rose- Part 14

Pairing: Fezco (Euphoria) x reader

-Summary: The only thing I'm going to put is it's the readers 19th birthday. Also, Ashtray is fucking funny, man.

-Warnings: Swearing, sexual activity, this part is truly 18+, mentions of abuse, mentions of loss, some angst but overall happy.

-Word Count: It's a simple 6k.

-A/n: I'm sweating and crying. There's one more chapter after this one and it's just an epilogue so... AHH. That one will probably be out early Sunday, Euphoria day!

Masterlist

Playlist Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9* Part 10* Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Playlist Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9* Part 10* Part 11 Part 12 Part 13

I didn’t expect the time between me getting drugged and my birthday to go by so fast.

I also never expected the term ‘getting drugged’ to be in my vocabulary.

Nothing made it go by faster than normal, maybe the excitement made things seem like they were going by at sonic speed. My time was being spent with my usual people, my family, preparing for my birthday. Fez didn’t leave me side for days after the night Jules and I spent out at the club. Rightfully so. Jules said if Fez wasn’t going to be with me then she would come over and sit with me until he returned. They watched me like a hawk and even that’s an understatement. They were protective over me and I appreciated it, nonetheless, I finally had people looking out for me, worrying about me.

Nate was also livid when I told him about the man at the club. I was nervous when I heard his truck pull up outside, worried that he was going to yell at me or Fez. That was the opposite of what he had in mind because when I opened the door, his arms were around my waist, tugging me to his chest. He felt terrible that I had gone through that and he felt terrible that he couldn’t have been there to bitch slap the guy who drugged me. He gave me a good spiel about not taking drinks from random people, something I probably should have known as a female but. Emotions were clouded with vodka that night. But regardless of his anger and worry, Nate was another person who offered to come sit with me if need be.

We didn’t tell Sienna or Ash what happened that night. I could see that Ash was suspicious when we came up with a sad excuse for a story. My hollow eyes and constant headache for days gave it away to Ash. But I told Sienna that I got super drunk and was super hungover the next day.

And it wasn’t a complete lie, I was hungover as hell. So was Jules, her sunglasses shoved onto her nose as she laid next to me in Fez’s dark room, the only light being the lava lamp by the door. Fez waited on us hand and foot, making sure that we were okay and had everything we needed throughout the day. He watched me like a hawk no matter who was there with me. I think he was worried that my body was going to take a turn for the worst, though that was the least likely thing to happen. He had experienced enough loss in his life and he was just being careful. Proactive. I couldn’t blame him and I couldn’t deny the heat in my cheeks as he took care of me with a proud smile.

In the time between Fez’s birthday and mine, I took the time to apply to colleges for the next year, my main goal being UCLA and their amazing diving team. Between it being close and I had aid due to my financial situation, or lack thereof, it was perfect. I had the support from my coach at the highschool, telling me that if I ever needed a letter of recommendation to email her and that she would go above and beyond. Between that and Sienna going into her Junior year at the high school, the months had gone by smoothly with nothing terrible happening in between.

It was shocking honestly.

But last night was the night that I had waited for in that time that went by.

The night before my 19th, my heart was pounding in my chest as Fez practically counted down the numbers on the clock, waiting for it to hit midnight. Ash and Sienna were already asleep, prepping for the next day, for my party. But Fez and I couldn’t sleep. We could barely relax and sit still.

In all the time that we spent just waiting for my 18th birthday, then to decide to wait till my 19th, it was painful. We made it and we figured it out along the way but, still, it was painful. But the time finally came, the clock striking twelve as Fez stepped across the room, his lips pressing against mine as he held me close. The kiss was different and with him texting ‘I love you’ only weeks ago, everything was different. Our whole relationship was different now that I was 19.

The kiss wasn’t the only thing that changed.

I can’t deny the heat between my legs, my heart pounding in my chest as Fez’s hands rest on my bare back. I had been waiting for the right moment for years, the moment where the two of us could finally take it further, whether that be kissing or…

Fez leans away from me, his lips swollen as he grins like an idiot. I wear a similar smile, my cheeks already hurting as I gaze up at him through my eyelashes. His eyes glimmer with something mischievous in nature, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth as my eyebrows raise. My cheeks warm at his wicked grin, my breathing quickening as he reaches up to cup my cheeks.

“Happy birthday.” He whispers breathlessly, his eyes flickering between mine as I look to his lips. Without hesitation, I lean forward, pressing my lips against his once more, not caring that I’m being overly needy. He senses my need, his hands trailing down from my cheeks, to my neck, then to my back where he pulls me against him, my arms winding around his neck. Our kiss is messy, both of our heads tilting to deepen the kiss as he backs me up, my feet blindly following his lead. When my back hits the wall, I let out a soft sigh, his lips leaving mine to travel down to my chin, then onto the sensitive skin of my neck. I whimper, a needy whine leaving my lips as he nips at my neck, happy to be where he is with full permission and no issues. We didn’t have any rules anymore, no guidelines. Just us.

I feel Fez’s hands on my hips, them lowering down as he takes me into his arms, a squeal leaving my lips. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around his waist, his hands resting on my ass as he holds me up. The kiss gets more heated by the minute, our tongues mingling as he groans quietly, his lips detaching from mine as his head moves to rest on my shoulder. I catch my breath in gasps, my cheeks warm and my core aches as he glances up at me. His pupils are blown, similar to how they look when he’s high but we both know it’s a completely separate reason.

“I don’t wanna do this if you’re not ready.” He whispers, his nose nudging mine as my brain fogs, not completely processing his question as I press a lazy kiss to his cheek. He chuckles quietly, his hands let me down, my feet hitting the ground as I pout. The tone in the room changes, my eyebrows pulling together as I grab the front of his shirt, pulling him in for a kiss as he laughs. “Fine.” He mutters between kisses, placing one last one on my lips before taking my hands in his. Pulling me out of the living room and down the hallway, my heart pounds wildly in my chest. The hallway seems to be ten times longer, my head spinning as it comes up with ideas of what’s going to happen.

He opens the door for me, gently placing a hand on my back as he guides me into the room, nerves swirling in my tummy. I wait patiently, the sound of the lock clicking making my mouth dry as I turn around to look at him. He keeps the light off, the only light coming from his lava lamp that I love so much. Watching as his eyes look over me, I gently sigh, a smile appearing on my lips as he blushes in the low light.

“You nervous?” He asks quietly, reaching up to cup my cheeks gently, his gaze completely different than it was just moments ago. I send him a small shrug, the word ‘yes’ getting stuck in my brain as he chuckles. He leans down, pressing a kiss to both of my cheeks before placing one on my waiting lips. I hum at the contact, my eyes fluttering shut as his hands move to rest on my waist. I tentatively place my hands on his chest, my fingers wandering as he hums, my palms sliding under the fabric of his shirt to rest on his bare skin. He shivers at the contact, his lips briefly moving from mine as he lifts his shirt up, slipping it over his head. My eyes don’t open as he drops the shirt to the ground, my lips finding his own immediately. My hands now explore the new territory, my nails dragging down his chest as he moans, the grip he has on my waist tightening as he pushes me down onto his bed. I stare up at him, the breath leaving my lips as he smiles smugly. He reaches down, his fingers wrapping around my ankles as I go to ask him what he’s doing but before I can, he uses them to pull me to the edge of the bed. My back hits the mattress with a soft oof, a giggle leaving my lips as he presses a kiss to the inside of my shin. I smile at the romantic move, watching as his hands wander down the expanse of my open thighs, his body slotting in between them perfectly.

Like the spot was made for him.

“I am kind of nervous.” I whisper, my voice barely audible as he nods gently, his hands gripping the skin of my thighs as I sigh.

“Don’t need to be. I’ll do whatever you say.” He responds simply, my eyebrows raising at the confession. My head spins as if I didn’t know that was true. I knew that he would do anything I wanted, anything I asked of him. I nod, my cheeks heating up as the room does too, the thought of marijuana sounding absolutely amazing right now. But his lips are a good enough drug for now to help me calm down. Fez leans down, his hands going under my shirt as I shiver, his cold hands bringing me back to reality. “Sit up a bit.” He mutters, my back lifting off the bed as he lifts his shirt over my head, throwing it to the side.

His face lights up, the sight of my bare chest in front of him making him fold. He lets out a shaky breath, his nerves now front and center, his hands resting on my thighs as I chuckle. He blushes gently, his gaze flickering away from me as he smiles bashfully. Reaching towards him, I grab his hands, gently lifting them to place them on my breasts. He’s stunned for a moment, his jaw dropping briefly as he stares down at his hands.

He takes his time, learning the new terrain, his hands gently kneading as my eyes flutter shut. My body jolts as he brushes over my nipples, a louder moan leaving his lips just at my reaction. I sigh, watching as he crawls between my thighs, his lips attaching to mine in a messy kiss. My lips are swollen at this point, needing him closer as I claw at his back. His groans and my soft pants are the only thing to be heard in the room, my hands leaving his cheeks to travel down his chest and further down his abdomen to rest on his waistband. His lips detach from mine, his eyes flickering down to look at my eager, wandering hands as he breathes out aggressively.

“I’m gon’ be honest. Picturing you naked is the most productive thing I’ve done all day.” He whispers, his blue eyes lifting to look at me as I grin, my hands gently pulling at his waistband to snap it against his skin. He hisses delightfully at the contact, his hand playfully slapping my thigh. “I’m gonna ruin you.” He chuckles, his lips dipping down to press to my collarbone, down to my chest as I hum, my fingers clawing at his shoulders.

“Fuck.” I whisper as his lips brush against my nipple, my back arching into him as he playfully chuckles.

“Watch your mouth.” He whispers, his gentle kisses contrasting against the little nips he leaves on the sensitive skin of my breasts. He’s way more teasing than I ever could’ve imagined. I thought by now that he’d already be deep in me, unforgiving and moaning happily. The fact that he’s taking his time warms me to my core and it makes me want to urge him to go faster.

“Didn’t you say you were gonna blow my back out?” I ask with an evil grin, my hands reaching up to brush through my hair as he sends me an impatient glance. “I’d say this isn’t living up to your promises.” I tease, his fingers wrapping around the waistband of my sweatpants to pull them off of my hips in one fluid motion. I giggle at his eagerness, my eyes soft as I watch him press kisses to the inside of my thighs.

“I like makin’ you wait.” He whispers against my inner thigh, his nose brushing against my clothed core as I whine. “Plus, you can act snarky all you want. But I can see the absolute mess you’re makin’ of yourself.” A moan leaves my lips at his words, my head spinning as my fingers grip at the blanket beneath me. “I bet you can get louder, hmm?” He teases, his lips trailing up my body as I pout up at him. “Oh, am I bein’ mean?” He chuckles, my head bobbing in a nod as I gently slap his waist. “Whatchu want?” He asks, his voice low as he tilts his head gently at me.

“You.” I whisper, my voice coming out strained and forced. He smirks, his lips briefly pressing against mine as his nose bumps against mine. He shakes his head, tutting at me quietly.

“You been waiting all this time and that’s all you can come up with? You actin’ like I don’t already know that.” He teases with a chuckle, a grin on my lips as I roll my eyes. “You gotta be specific.” He chuckles, a frustrated groan leaving my lips as he gently places kisses down the expanse of my neck, waiting for my orders. “Hmm? You want me inside of you?” He asks, his nose dragging against my cheek as I whine, my head bobbing in a needy nod as he hums. It’s as if my brain is short circuiting, my eyes closing as his presence overwhelms me. He presses a kiss to my cheek and I watch him as he sits up, his hands working to untie the string of his sweatpants.

“Yay.” I whisper, my hands raising in a gentle clap as he shakes his head, a laugh leaving his lips. He pulls himself out of his sweatpants, both of us just left in one garment each. He stares down at me, his eyes taking a mental photo of me as he looks over my body. I can only imagine how it looks from his angle, my breasts rising and falling with every violent breath I take, my hair around me on the bed, my arms tossed to my sides, lips swollen and damp. And from my angle, he looks perfect, the dark blue light making him glow softly in the dark room. “Come on.” I whine, reaching up to place my hands on the band of his boxers, looking up at him through my lashes. “I want you inside of me. Please.” I ask, his eyebrows raising as a sly smile covers his face.

“Well shit, all you had to do was ask.” He chuckles, his fingers wrapping around my wrists to pull my hands away from his boxers. I pout, but it quickly fades as I watch his hands make their way down my thighs, his thumbs hooking in the material of my panties. My legs twitch at the contact, my eyes following his hands all the way down my legs as he pulls my panties away from my body, leaving me bare. He looks over me, a grin on his face as he chuckles. “You’re fucking beautiful.” He whispers, my cheeks heating up at his words as I go to close my thighs, his hands stopping them immediately. “Don’t gotta hide from me. Not now, not ever.” He whispers, his gaze latching on mine as I bite my lip, his eyes flickering from my eyes to his hands on my thighs. Just when I think he’s going to return to my lips and carry on, he leans down, his eyes lifting to mine and not leaving them as he gently places a kiss against my heated core.

Fuuuuuuuuck. That was hot.

I reach down, grabbing his shoulders to pull him up to me as his lips press against mine, a moan leaving both of our lips as his hands work on getting himself out of his boxers. He fumbles with a laugh, our kiss not breaking as we giggle nervously. He gently leans down, his boxers finally discarded, his body positioned between my thighs as he kisses me softly. “You okay?” He asks, breaking the kiss as I nod, my hands gripping onto his biceps that rest next to my head. “You gon’ tell me if it hurts? Even if you're uncomfortable, I’ll stop.” He whispers, my heart pounding as I mutter a quiet ‘okay’, one of his hands leaving the side of my head to reach down between us. I gasp as he gently brushes his fingers against my entrance, a sigh leaving his lips with a curse. “You make jokes about drippin and shit, but fuck, they’re not jokes, are they?” He asks, my head shaking as he chuckles, shocked. I close my eyes as he positions himself against me, his hand coming up to intertwine his fingers with mine. He gently presses a kiss to my cheek as I take a deep breath in.

Making my way out of the bedroom, my thighs ache as I try to make it not as obvious. It’s a job I’m going to fail because I know the minute Fez sees me waddling, he’s going to make fun of me. Clearing my throat as I enter the living room, Sienna and Ash sit on the couch, her legs thrown over his lap as Fez sends me a bashful wave. I chuckle quietly under my breath, making my way over to him as he fills another cup with coffee, handing it to me silently. He watches me intently as I gently stretch, my back cracking in the process. We avoid each other's gaze, still embarrassed from last night, both of us leaning against the counter.

“Y/n got fucked!” Ashtray yells out suddenly, Fez’s face dropping in annoyance as he stares at his brother. Sienna giggles loudly, covering her face as she shoves Ash off of the couch, Fez already taking strides across the room as Ash recoils. Then Ash is everywhere, trying to avoid Fez as he tries his best to get his hands on the boy. Sienna and I giggle, watching Ashtray hop the couch as he runs down the hallway, the door closing with a slam. Fez chuckles, his hand reaching around to rub the back of his neck, trying to catch his breath.

“Sorry bout that ladies.” Fez huffs, sending a polite wave to Sienna who sits on the couch, engulfed in giggles at the funny scene of cat and mouse. Fez looks over to me, my hands wrapped around the mug as I take a sip with a chuckle. He watches my lips as he approaches me, his arms trapping me against the counter as he looks down at me. “How ya feelin’?” He asks quietly, his eyes flickering between mine as I smile smugly.

“Good.” I whisper, taking another sip, his hands moving to rest on my sore hips. “Still sore.” I wince, his eyes looking down at my bare thighs. I watch as he gulps, his chest rising in a heave as I laugh. “Last night definitely topped my birthday present from last year.” His gaze catches on the cold chain around my neck, a sheepish laugh leaving his lips as he turns away from me.

“Fuck, stop saying that shit. Or you're gonna be on your back in a second.” He threatens with a wink, making his way around me to go into the fridge. I smirk at him, my feet taking me to the living room as Sienna’s giggles die down. Throwing myself down on the couch next to her, she grins at me, my cheeks heating up at her knowing glance.

“Happy birthday, sis.” She whispers, reaching over to shove me playfully. I grin at her, the coffee in my hands warming my body up as she covers my legs in her blanket. Hearing a door down the hall creak open, I giggle to myself, looking over to Fez who sends me a wink.

“I’m gon’ come out right now but ain’t nobody gonna touch me because I have a gift for the birthday girl!” Ash calls out, Sienna chuckling next to me as Fez calls out that it’s safe for him to come out. I watch as Ash peeks his head out around the corner, his eyes glaring at Fez before he approaches out couch. He has a small envelope in his hands, my name scribbled out in the front as I chuckle. I look to Fez who shrugs at me, not knowing what this is about. Maybe this time it is really just from Ash. Ash hands the present to me before quickly making his way to the couch opposite of us, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants. “It’s kind of for the both ‘a you, I guess.” He murmurs sheepishly, my eyes looking over to Sienna who blushes vividly. My nimble fingers work at the seal, peeling it off as I pull the contents out. Reading it over, my head shakes as I grow even more confused.

“A police report? Why-” I cut myself off, my fathers name written across the top catching me off guard. My heart stalls, Sienna’s eyes peeking over my shoulder to read the piece of paper. My eyes flicker up to Ash’s, my jaw dropping as Fez approaches us from the side to read the piece of paper too. “For drug possession- what?” I ask, my hands handing the paper off to Fez.

“I gave the cops an anonymous tip. Turns out he had a warrant out for his arrest for some DUI’s and lack of court appearance.” Ash explains simply with a shrug, the air leaving my chest as tears fill my eyes.

“Man, you actually helped the cops for once.” Fez points out, my eyes flickering to Sienna who is speechless. She stares at Ash, her eyes wide, no words leaving her lips as she glances at me. “He’ll probably be away for a good while. Few years at least. If he doesn’t get his ass killed.” Fez laughs, looking at Ash with a proud gaze. “You did good man.” He gently pats his brother on the shoulder, a sheepish grin covering Ash’s lips.

“W-Why? Ash, I mean…” I trail off, the words stuck in my throat as tears overflow from my eyes. Fez gently rubs the back of my head, my temple resting on his hip next to me as he coos quietly. Ash sends me a gentle smile, his eyes looking up to Fez.

“No one fucks with our girls.” He replies simply and that must’ve done it for Sienna because she’s out of her seat, her arms wrapping around Ash as she tackles him to the couch. I laugh loudly, wiping my eyes from tears as I think of what this means. This gives me time, years, to not have to worry about looking over my shoulder. I don’t have to worry about Fez or Ash getting jumped, Sienna getting hurt. None of it.

“Thank you, Ash. This means the world to me. To both of us.” I whisper, Ash sending me a smile over Sienna’s shoulder, his eyes gleaming with happiness. Sienna pulls back with a loud sniffle, Ashray looking nervously at her as she grins.

“Wanna frame it?” Ash asks her with an excited gasp, Fez and I bursting out in laughter as Sienna nods excitedly.

Hours later, all of my friends surround me, Fez’s arm protectively around me as he takes a hit off of his joint, passing it to me. I’ve been sitting in silence, my ears occasionally picking up on one of the many conversations being had around me. The TV plays Spongebob, a group favorite, the noise low as Maddy and Cassie watch it intently. They must be high. Like babies in front of sensory videos.

My mind travels back to the last year, all of the things happening between Fez and I, my friends finding out about my dad, Sienna and I moving in, school ending; so much has happened. I think back to a year ago, the memory of mine and Fez’s first kiss front and center. Occasionally, the happy memory invades my dreams, waking up with a smile and starting my day on the right note. It’s ironic that our first kiss was exactly a year apart from our first time. Looking up at Fez, a smile on his face as he talks to Rue beside him. Getting their attention with a subtle cough, I hand the joint to Rue, her eyes gleaming as Fez’s attention switches to me completely.

“I love you.” I whisper, my fingers intertwining with his as he blushes, his lips dipping down to press against mine as the room cheers. Pulling back, I chuckle nervously, my eyes flickering around the room as my friends laugh. Fez leans down, his lips pressed against my forehead as he whispers a reply.

“I love you too.” A grin breaks out across my lips as I look around the room, my friends all smiling and happy. Seems like the first time I’ve ever seen them all in the same room without a fight breaking out. Nate, Cassie, Maddy, Lexi, Kat, Rue and Jules all surround me. Sienna and Ash went back to one of their rooms, deciding to leave us all alone while they played games. Kids. Sienna was unable to pull herself away from Ash, her trust growing and feelings growing fonder since he gave us the police report. She really is becoming just like me. The feeling of my phone buzzing beneath me snaps me out of my thoughts, my hand reaching down to pick it up, as I read the message over.

Lexi I’m sorry that I lied to you. I’m happy that you’re happy and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Truly.

As I glance up at her, I give her a small forgiving smile, nodding my head in understatement. I put my phone away, telling her silently that it’s all good as she looks to Jules next to her, returning to her conversation. Fez leans over, gently pressing a kiss against my cheek as I tuck myself into him.

“I wonder how the kids are doing.” Fez whispers, a laugh leaving my lips at him calling him ‘the kids’. It was something he did often, it was just natural for him to say but it makes my heart warm every time. His eyes look down to me as I shrug, my hand patting his thigh as I stand up, deciding to go check. “Hurry back, I miss you already.” He winks to me, my head thrown back in laughter as I leave the room, my feet carrying me down the hallway.

Checking my room first, my head peeks in, seeing no one in there. Must be in his room. My hand reaches for the doorknob across the hall, not bothering to knock as I open the door, my jaw dropping at the sight. Ash and Sienna pull away from each other quickly, Ash practically shoving her away from him. I watch as they both wipe their lips with the backs of their hands, my eyes widening as I look between the two of them. Sienna covers her face in her hands, hiding her vivid blush as Ash rubs the back of his neck, not meeting my eyes.

“Fezco!” I yell, my hands on my hips as I push the door further open, my eyes glaring at the two of them. Fez approaches me quickly from the side, his arm dipping around my waist as he looks between the kids and I. “Guess what I just caught them doing?” I ask, my eyebrows sky rocketing as he shrugs softly before looking between the two teens. Moments later, his face lights up in realization, his eyes rolling.

“Oh shit.” He chuckles, his hand gently smacking my ass playfully as I huff. “They really are like us!” He cheers, my hand reaching over to smack his chest as I look back to my sister who finally has come out of hiding. She cringes, her hands still on her cheeks as she looks to Ash. “Imma let you handle this.” Fez whispers, his lips pressing against the side of my head reassuringly.

“Ashtray, use a condom, always, I don’t gotta tell you this. Sienna, we’re going to the gyno and getting you on birth control. I don’t need babies having babies. I know what happens after kissing. Trust me, I know.” I fold my arms over my chest, Ashtray now covering his face in his hands, shaking his head as I chuckle. “I’m never letting you live down the fact that I caught you making out with my sister, Ash.” I point out, his head nodding as he groans into his hands loudly. Sienna laughs, reaching over to rub the boys back as I snort, turning to look at Fez, his eyes wide as he gazes at me. “I’m never letting you live this down either. You and your brother have the same type.” I snort, reaching to pull the door closed, trying to get the image out of my mind. Fez chuckles, his lips dipping down to press against mine in a soft kiss, a small hum rumbling in my chest. Fez gently pats my butt, pulling away as he pulls me towards the living room.

Our friends watch us as we silently return to our spot on the couch, my legs immediately thrown over Fez’s. No one asks, but I can tell from Jules’ expression and the wink she sends my way that she knows exactly what happened. Turning to take the joint from Fez, my phone buzzing once more in my pocket makes me groan. My hands reach down to open it, my fingers tapping at the screen aggressively. Seeing a notification across the top of my screen, I huff, unsure of what it is as I open it. My heart drops in realization, my mind reading over the letters over and over again.

Read note from mom.

Fez senses my change in attitude, his eyes flickering down to read the words on my screen. He hums quietly in acknowledgement, his hand gently rubbing my thigh up and down reassuringly. I look up to him, his head bobbing in a nod, almost silently telling me to go do it, that he would be here if I needed him. Standing back up, I quietly excuse myself as tears rise to my eyes, my mind thinking of where the note could be and what it’s contents would have in store.

Along with the suicide note that my mom left behind, she left two more notes on top of that. One for my 19th birthday, the importance being that she had me when she was 19, and one for Sienna when she turns 18. I remember worrying about getting to my 19th birthday, wanting to read it then and there. With how life was back then, I wondered if I was even going to be alive at 19 and, if I was, what I would be doing with my life. Looking back on younger me, she’d be happy where I ended up. Especially because I ended up in Fez’s bed every night.

Going into mine and Sienna’s bedroom, I immediately go to the first place where I can think of it being; the small jewelry box tucked away in one of the boxes in the closet. I sit down, my knees tucked under me as I look for the small box, my hands finding it after a few minutes of pulling things out. Opening the top, the note is tucked perfectly on the touch, untouched and safe. Pulling the tape off of it, I unroll the piece of notebook paper, my eyes tearing at the sight of her handwriting.

My sweet baby.

I hope that you’re reading this and you’re out of the hell that we were in together with your dad. I pray that you took Sienna and ran as far as you possibly could, not looking back and not feeling any ounce of guilt. You guys always deserved better than that, so did I. I pray that you two don’t hate me still, if you ever did. I’m so sorry for leaving you, your momma loves you and loved you with her whole heart. I know that you know that, I know that Sienna knows it but I want you two to feel the love that I felt for you.

I hope that you both meet someone that makes you feel all of the love that I felt for you. I hope you two are successful; diving, swimming, whatever it is you two do in life. I know you’re protecting your sister, you always did that better than I ever could. She’s sensitive and she needs you to toughen her up. I know that by now you would’ve graduated high school, probably applied to UCLA if you still have the same dream you did the last time we talked about it. If you don’t, it’s probably for a good reason and I’m proud of you nonetheless. I never cared about grades or anything like that, I just knew that you were successful and you were going to continue to be successful no matter what you do in your life.

Oh baby, I hope you fall in love. I hope you’re already in love with the person that’s going to be yours for the rest of your life. You deserve a lifelong love. The type of love I have in you.

I hope that he or she sweeps you off your feet and into their arms without a second thought. Anyone who doesn’t love or want you doesn’t know what they’re missing. And frankly, they’re really fucking stupid. I hope that they’re sweet, that they’re kind and soft, hopefully they’ll mellow you out and get you to relax a bit.

You were the love of my life, Y/n.

The moment I had you, I was in love with you. This perfect angel in my lap, our favorite French song playing in a lullaby version around us as I just stared at you, completely enthralled by your every move. ‘la vie en rose’, I still remember it. I remember asking the nurse for the name of the song, needing it. I remember playing it to you when you were young, barely walking but your eyes would light up whenever I turned it on. It was the only thing that helped calm your cries.

I hope you’re happy and I hope you’re healing from what your father and I put you through. I’m so sorry, my love. I hope you forgive me one day.

Momma’s thinking of you always and forever, babygirl.

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