#nesta vs the buffer
Note
Prompt-
Basically one where Nesta calls out the hypocrisy/disrespectfulness of Cassian and Morrigans ‘relationship’ infront of the whole inner circle- maybe at like dinner or something? And makes Cassian and mor realise the error of what they’ve been doing
I know that was weirdly specific, but it’s always annoyed me how nothing was ever actually said to Morrigan OR Cassian about how selfish she’s being when it comes to him even tho it’s so obvious and was one of the reasons nesta pulled away from him
This was so cathartic to write. This is Nesta's anthem during the final scene. Obviously very anti ic/mor/cassian (azriel is safe).
What utter foolishness had persuaded Nesta to attend a dinner with the Inner Circle? It had been five days since she had moved her scant belongings into her crumbling apartment in the most squalid district of Velaris. It had been three long weeks since her father’s death yet it felt like no time and an eternity all at once. Three long weeks since Nesta had cradled Cassian’s broken body with her own and been ready to die with him.
They had not spoken once. Nesta found that she was glad for it. No longer did his eye track her every move since she had departed the River House. So, why had Nesta agreed to dine with them? It was set to be a public dinner in a beautiful restaurant that overlooked the Sidra on what was sure to be one of the final golden sunsets of Autumn.
The blame fell on a pair of big, brown eyes. Elain had met with Nesta for breakfast in the city. She had chatted giddily about her days, of her favourite tea houses, or the last crop of sunflowers growing on the edge of the city. Elain hadn’t noticed that Nesta did not eat a bite of her croissant. Did not notice the haunted look in Nesta’s eyes. Each day felt like she was wading through cobwebs, fighting to breathe. Dust and regret coated her skin.
‘Nesta?’
‘Yes.’
She blinked away the vision of Elain, pale with terror, returned from Hybern’s war camp. Her brown eyes had been emptied out then like two cold hollows. Now, the light shined in them. They were warm and bright like a gentle doe.
‘You will? Oh, wonderful! Feyre will be so glad.’
‘For what?’
Elain’s face faltered. ‘For the meal on Friday. Were you not listening to me?’
Elain carried her hurt too publicly, did not nurse it in secret like Nesta. The notion that Nesta had not listened intently to her speech on proving bread had her bottom lip wobbling with betrayal.
Like a curtain had been ripped away, ruining the illusion, Nesta could finally acknowledge her sister’s faults. Elain could be conceited, content for the world to turn around her, to be treasured or doted upon without ever expecting to get her hands dirty in return. Not once had she enquired over Nesta’s new home or asked how she was settling in.
‘You’re not listening to me again.’
Nesta swallowed. She saw Elain’s flaws but felt guilt not to indulge them, an obligation to apologise and fuss around her.
‘Sorry. I was thinking of the route to the restaurant from where I live.’
‘Cassian could escort you.’
‘Not him.’
Elain flinched at the snap in Nesta’s tone. ‘Look, I know what happened between you that day changed things, but I think you should-’
‘Stop.’ Nesta rose from her seat. ‘I have never given you my opinion on your relationships with Graysen or Lucien. If you cannot extend the same courtesy to me then I ask that you do not speak at all to me.’
Leaving Elain in the café, blinking back tears, had made her feel like an utter wretch. The idea that any of them knew at all what had occurred was absurd. Death had looked them in the eye. Hope had abandoned them. And Feyre had seen fit to broadcast what she had witnessed to all of them like they were a commodity there for entertainment purposes.
A messenger had delivered a letter to Nesta that afternoon bearing the Night Court seal. She expected a telling off from Feyre, but it was in Elain’s neat handwriting.
Dear Nesta,
I wasn’t trying to cause an argument and I am not criticising you for your reaction. I understand this is a sensitive topic for you, but we all lived through the war. I feel the same hurts as you. This is a chance to celebrate that we all made it. It would mean a lot if you would attend.
Love always, Elain.
Nesta had caved in – as she always did where Elain was concerned.
On Friday evening, Nesta had readied herself for dinner. It was difficult to know how to dress in a faerie city with little morals and with a group of people who all dressed as if they were attending different functions. Mor, Elain, and Rhys would likely dress to the occasion. Feyre would favour comfort. The Illyrians were rarely in anything other than armour.
She opted for a finely-tailored, pewter gown that straddled the line between every-day comfort and sophisticated. However, on the way out of the front door, Nesta caught the handle of a pan with her elbow. She made a pig’s meal out of trying to catch it, showering her skirts with mushroom soup.
Cursing herself, she stripped off the dress, used it to mop up the spillage then tossed it onto the growing pile of laundry. In five days, she hadn’t yet purchased a washboard to scrub her clothes clean. She’d grown too reliant on the twin wraiths who did everything for her these last few months.
There was little else clean in her wardrobe that was suitable except for a dress she had shied from previously. It had been prepared for a visit to the Court of Nightmares but Nesta had changed her mind at the final moment. Out of options, she pulled it on. The velvet slid softly over her skin, moulding to the curves of her body. It flattered her figure, especially the breasts she preferred to hide. Time was ticking. She didn’t have the luxury of questioning if the dress was too scandalous. Quite frankly, she did not care either way. Propriety was not known in Prythian.
Nesta arrived at the restaurant with flushed cheeks. The sun had begun its descent, showering the city in golden warmth. The rooftop terrace had been reserved solely for the use of the high lord, of course. It had been bedecked with garlands of flowers and tiny, glittering balls of fae light.
‘Nesta!’ Feyre called, surprise ringing in her tone. ‘We didn’t think you were coming.’
Her cheeks burnt at the accusation. Surely, she was only a few minutes late; she had practically jogged across Velaris to make up the minutes spent cleaning soup from her floor.
Elain blushed. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s my fault. I gave you the wrong time by accident. I thought we were meeting at five thirty, not five.’
There was a collective murmur of understanding then Rhys said, ‘It can happen.’
Nobody could have told Nesta the correct time. Nobody could have been spared to come to her apartment. None could have waited the extra thirty minutes. Their drinks had been started on and a waitress came up the spiral staircase with a tray of appetisers.
‘We’ve already ordered,’ Feyre explained, grimacing slightly. ‘Sorry. We really thought you weren’t coming. If you go downstairs, I’m sure you can order too. Should I come with you?’
‘Don’t trouble yourself,’ she bit out.
As Nesta passed, she saw Mor’s not-so-subtle roll of the eyes to Feyre. Why did Nesta even bother? She wasn’t welcome. She deserved better than a pity invitation.
On the descent to the ground floor, Nesta convinced herself to simply walk back out. Perhaps they would realise once pudding was served that she hadn’t come back.
The exit was blocked by a colossus male. His wings were traps for sunlight; it flooded through them so they glowed. Cassian was shaking a male’s hand in farewell, conversation coming to him easily. Then he pivoted. His gaze snagged on Nesta. What could she do? Barrel past and pretend she had not noticed the biggest man in Prythian in the doorway she was squeezing through?
She abruptly changed course aiming for the bar. Nesta felt the quiver in the room as Cassian verged towards her as if their paths were meant to meet at this end point. No matter how fast he made her heart race, how many butterflies that erupted when Cassian was near, Nesta could always craft a cold, steady exterior around him. She raised a menu, pondering the choices whilst pointedly ignoring his arrival, even as he loomed over her.
‘Aren’t you going to say hello?’
Nesta continued reading, scrutinising every single item on the menu, then, finally, ‘Hello.’
‘I’d recommend the steak,’ he said, leaning closer. ‘Everything is delicious though. The whole restaurant is amazing.’
Nesta examined the wing that dangled a hair’s breadth from her bare shoulder. ‘They seem to have a vermin problem.’
The joke landed with a wry grin from Cassian. ‘Look who came to play.’
He prowled to her other side of her body as if he was asserting his claim on her, circling like a shark. She hated how big he was, how he dominated the spaces he was in. Hated the eyes flickering their way. Their story had gained wings and spread throughout Prythian. The Cauldron-born king slayer ready to die with the Lord of Bloodshed.
‘The seafood risotto, please, and a glass of your most expensive wine,’ she said to the server. ‘I presume Rhysand is paying?’
Cassian did not respond. His eyes devoured every inch of bare skin on display. It wasn’t a dress she would ever wear. It bared one of her legs, both of her arms, and too much of her chest. It was as black as the darkest night – a colour she never wore.
‘You look beautiful,’ he said, voice low and rough. ‘So beautiful. Black suits you.’
It was the same voice that he’d used just before they had winnowed into the Dawn Court for the high lords to meet. The next time, Emissary, I’ll come say hello. It rubbed against her skin with such an intensity, Nesta felt dizzy. He closed the space between them, forcing her to meet his own hazel eyes.
‘Have you settled in? Does it feel like home yet?’ A pause then, ‘Do you need anything?’
That was what she had been waiting for. Somebody to ask her how she was. How her home was. It was the first place she had ever been able to call her own, the one place she had chosen for herself. A thumb brushed against her arm as Cassian stood in front of her, all but pinning her to the bar. Nesta’s eyes dipped to his mouth, felt her breath hitch in her lungs. His wings unfurled, offering them a tiny parcel of privacy.
‘There you are!’ A bright voice called. ‘We thought you got lost!’
Cassian sprang away like he’d been scandalised. ‘I have too many friends wherever I go.’
Mor galloped forwards and threw herself into his arms. Cassian lifted her with ease, spare hand rubbing down Mor’s back in greeting.
‘I just need to order.’
‘Already done it for you. You’re an open book, Cass. Everybody knows your order.’
She felt like something one would scrape from their shoe. Of course, Cassian had arrived late but they had included him. Tears prickled Nesta’s eyes as she swept past their jolly greeting. Her feet stomped up the metal stairs, trying to loosen her anger before she reunited with the others.
Why did she care? It wasn’t the first time Cassian had discarded her in Mor’s presence. Some innate voice had alerted Nesta to Cassian’s injured wrist in that war camp. All of her focus had been on caring for him. For once, Nesta had not cared that other people watched her. Cassian had been the priority. Exhaustion – the likes of which she had never seen on him – etched itself into his handsome features. He had stayed holding her hand even after she had finished binding his wrist. Then Mor arrived. Cassian could not have let go any quicker. He had shifted his entire body away, sheepish to be caught fraternising with Nesta in any form.
‘Oh, that’s Mor’s seat,’ Feyre said as Nesta’s hand enclosed around the back of the chair. She moved to next vacant seat. ‘That’s for Cassian, I think. Unless he’s not here yet.’
‘He’s here.’
Nesta stepped back. There was no other seat available. They hadn’t even included her in the number for the table.
‘Take my seat,’ came a cool, crisp voice. Azriel stood and gestured to his chair between Varian and Elain. ‘I’ll ask them to bring up another table.’
As the male moved past her, Nesta felt the faintest hand on her back either offering support or urging her into the chair. She couldn’t tell if it was him or his shadows that had done it. Nesta only knew that she was glad for that touch, that miniscule reassurance that she had a place here.
Her first glass of wine was empty before the waitress had even finished delivering drinks to the whole table. ‘Would you like another?’
‘I certainly would. Thank you.’
Nesta tried to keep her eyes away from Cassian. In between lulls of his conversation with Mor, she felt his gaze on her often.
‘So, when will you start training your powers again, girl?’
‘Stop calling me girl,’ she snapped to Amren, causing a ripple of silence to leak down the table.
Amren, unperturbed, grinned. Her black nails drummed on the table as a vicious smile spread across her face. Varian, at least, had the good sense to look uncomfortable at that grin. ‘It is a waste, Nesta.’
‘I don’t have my powers anymore.’ She sipped at her wine, staring resolutely at her lap.
‘You are a terrible liar.’
Nesta refused to even give Amren the satisfaction of replying, of protesting that that horrid silver fire which churned inside of her had faded. No, it hadn’t. The war had excited it. Nesta was drowning in her power now that it knew what freedom was. Every day, it sought to find release – and every day she pushed it back down, built her walls wider, deeper, jailed it.
‘Let’s not turn this dinner into an interrogation, Amren,’ Rhys winked.
‘The real question is who is joining me at Rita’s tonight?’ Mor asked, sitting up in her chair. ‘Feyre?’
‘Not me.’
‘No, she has plans with me tonight,’ Rhys purred, pulling her in for a kiss. ‘It was a mistake on my part not to send half of your salary directly to Rita’s each month to clear your tab.’
‘I’ll come,’ offered Azriel.
Mor gave a little cheer then wrapped an arm around Cassian’s neck. He was eating, but that hadn’t stopped her from holding her own face inches from his. ‘You won’t disappoint me, will you? You’ll come to Rita’s with me.’
Nesta saw it then, the same flash of disappointment in Azriel’s eyes that she had worn often. A shadow had risen up, briefly, to wrap around him before disappearing again. Whatever history had occurred between Azriel and Mor, Cassian would always be there to step into the middle of it. Neither of them would ever be regretful of the pain it caused the shadow singer.
Cassian liked to play the hero, liked to rescue Mor from Azriel’s looks of longing. More than once, Cassian had been Nesta’s knight in shining armour. She glanced towards the House of Wind carved into the mountain. When Hybern’s twin ravens had attacked her and Feyre in the heart of the library, Cassian had appeared like a vision there to save her. Nesta had fallen into his arms, known she was safe the moment he touched her. Nesta refilled her glass again, almost to the brim.
‘Are you thirsty?’ Feyre joked.
Elain was doing a mental tally of how many glasses, Nesta had drunk. This would be number three. ‘Maybe you should slow down, Nesta. You’ve barely touched your food.’
‘No,’ Nesta said with a sickly smile. ‘I don’t think I will.’
It was never a problem for them to sink a bottle of wine each at every single meeting, so why should Nesta’s drinking fall under scrutiny? No judgement was cast on Mor who revelled in drinking herself sick at Rita’s each night. Nobody ever told Cassian to slow down his drinking.
‘Where is Lucien?’ Nesta could not help the venom seeping into her tone as she addressed Elain, her voice loud enough for the conversations around the table to simmer into nothing.
Elain shifted in her seat, colour flushing up her neck.
‘Lucien’s busy in the mortal lands.’
‘This is to celebrate the war efforts,’ she replied, turning her face to Rhys. ‘Or so Elain told me. Lucien should be here, shouldn’t he? He brought the armies. He brought Vassa.’
Rhys held her stare with equal amounts of steel.
‘Father did those things,’ Elain said meekly.
‘Lucien went to the continent because he is a good person who knows how to do the right thing. Father did those things to extend his wealth and ensure he received fame. Do you think he did those things because he cared about us? He didn’t even know we were in that war. He abandoned us to grow the fortune that Tamlin gave us. Everything he did was for his own benefit.’
At what point had Nesta become this creature which such sharp talons that she could shred through any body too slow to escape her? There was not a single moment that she could pinpoint. Elain clenched her jaw shut, staring into her lap to keep from crying. Angry red circles dotted Feyre’s cheeks.
The silence was heavy.
Finally, a low voice pierced it. ‘How is the rebuilding of Adriata progressing, Varian?’
The table heaved a collective sigh of relief at Azriel’s attempts to spark a conversation. Varian seized it, launching into a longer-than-necessary speech about the Summer Court.
From the glazed appearances of the high lord and lady, Nesta suspected they were communicating across their mental bridge. Likely they were discussing how to clip Nesta’s claws and muzzle her. Elain had turned back to her dinner. Azriel feigned interest in Varian’s poetic talk of fishing exports to the Spring Court. She risked a look opposite her; Mor and Cassian were play-fighting over a chunk of food on her fork. She dangled it near his lips then withdrew, silently giggling as he tried to chomp it. Another set of eyes branded into Nesta’s skin. Amren was staring at her with another malicious grin.
‘I need the bathroom,’ she declared, tramping back downstairs.
When she emerged to wash her hands, Mor leant against the sinks. Her blonde hair hung in loose waves past her shoulders. Her full lips were painted crimson.
‘Go easy with the alcohol. It’s stronger than mortal wine.’
Nesta scrubbed her hands under the stream of warm water. ‘I’m not mortal.’
No thanks to you, she thought. No thanks to your court who dragged me into this life I did not want.
Mor’s arm blocked her exit from the bathroom.
‘You’ve upset Elain tonight. Snapped at Amren. If you cannot manage to keep your forked tongue behind your teeth-’
‘Get some new material,’ Nesta interrupted.
Memories of that day, after the battle at Adriata, when Nesta’s nerves had been wrung out with worry over Cassian rose to the surface. How she’d even dared to ask after him in front of the others, to let her guard down and show her weakness for him. When he gets back, keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. Mor would forever be an obstacle if she ever wanted Cassian in her life.
‘Move.’
Although both wore heels tonight, Nesta was still taller than her. Mor did not intimidate her in the slightest. Whatever legendary status Mor had carved in the first war, Nesta had been the one to excel in the second. She had her own powers, own reputation now.
The blonde did step aside, brows high in surprise.
Nesta could not move past her dislike of Mor. They lacked any common ground except for Cassian. If Nesta tried to reach him then Mor was always waiting to block her path, to snip her attempts at growing towards him. In that war, all day long, Nesta had worked filling buckets and cutting bandages, assisting where she could with healers. Her hair had been plastered to her scalp with freezing cold rain, dirt splattered up his shins. She’d lost one of her shoes in the river of mud. She didn’t even know whose blood covered her after seeing so much death. Cassian had been injured. She had seen him carried into the healer by Azriel, blood pouring from his abdomen. Saw him fall in the battle. All Nesta had wanted was to know he was safe. Shouldn’t you be refilling that bucket? Mor hadn’t even allowed her to worry over him, far less go to his tent to see for herself if he was alive.
‘I ordered you chocolate cake,’ Elain said as she sat back into her seat. ‘Since you hardly ate dinner.’
‘I had not known I was under observation,’ she replied tightly.
Mor arrived back on the roof, eyes simmering. The blonde’s fierce guarding of Cassian was not solely dislike for Nesta. Cassian was big enough to make his own decisions. It was her own selfish interest that had her swooping towards him the moment Azriel came too close. Nesta was not blind. She knew very well that Cassian was Mor’s shield against Azriel’s advances. Feyre had let slip once that Azriel had longed for her touch for nearly five centuries, but she had chosen to bed Cassian instead to break off her betrothal to Eris.
The conversation churned around Nesta as a muffled, indistinct noise. A plate of cake drizzled with cream was placed in front of her by the waitress. She had managed to eat a few bites to settle her stomach. It was dark now, the warmth fading from the air.
Cassian had loosened the tight straps from Mor’s shoes and pulled her bare feet onto his lap. ‘I don’t know why you wear these things.’
‘Masochism,’ Amren replied, fingers wending into Varian’s hair.
Cassian began kneading his thumb into the arch of Mor’s foot. There were deep indents where her shoes had bitten into the skin. Blonde hair landed onto Feyre’s shoulder as Mor tipped her head back with a satisfied moan.
She dared a look at Azriel at the end of the table. It was the longing there – beneath desire, beneath lust – so full of sorrow that Nesta could not keep her eyes on him. The shadow singer loved Mor in his own way. He’d fight Eris for her, fight Beron or Keir. Mor was happy to embrace him, touch him tenderly when it was on her terms. The moment he got a little too close, too familiar, Mor would block him with Cassian rather than speak to him. She’d done it that night already; Azriel would have followed her to Rita’s, but rather than be alone together, she’d leant on Cassian. Both of them disregarded Azriel’s pain, pretended not to notice the disappointment tucking his wings in, the shadows comforting him. If Nesta could notice these things then surely Rhys and Feyre could. Not one of them would ever intervene. Not one of them would ever rock the boat because their dynamic would alter. If Mor acknowledged that she did not want Azriel, perhaps his loyalty would waver. Cassian was stupid to go along with it. Nesta was perhaps even stupider to have ever thought that he might prioritise her over Mor.
Nesta had had enough. Enough of the foot rubs and massages. Enough of the declarations they were siblings then the strange, flirtations a moment later. Enough of the constant proximity, the feet in laps, arms around shoulders. Enough of the hair stroking and kisses on foreheads. Enough of the pain in Azriel’s eyes each time they chose to hurt his feelings rather than face them properly.
‘Must you do that at the dinner table?’ Rhys said, wrinkling up his nose as Cassian squeezed the ball of Mor’s foot.
‘Must you do it at all?’ Nesta gritted out. ‘How can you stand them?’
Without realising, she was stood and addressing Azriel. From the set of his jaw, the shadow singer knew exactly what she was referring to.
‘How can you do this constantly to him?’
To me. To me was what she wanted to say but Nesta held her words back. How can you ignore me every single time she enters the room? How can you not know that it hurts me every single time I’m unwanted?
‘Nesta,’ a warning pealed in Feyre’s voice.
‘Do not try and leash me,’ she bit back. ‘Not now, not ever. I have asked you a question. Why can you not face this situation and be responsible?’
‘You’re reading it wrong, Nes.’
‘He’s like my brother,’ Mor reassured, drawing her feet out of Cassian’s grasp.
‘Do you massage each other’s feet too?’ Her eyes snapped between Rhys and Azriel then she turned to her sisters. ‘Have I ever massaged your feet? Varian.’
‘I don’t need to be part of this,’ said Varian, seeking Amren for support.
‘You have a sister. Did you ever sleep with her? Have you spent five hundred years flirting with her? Did you ever recoil from Amren when your sister was present and throw her hand away?’
The memory landed on Cassian. His eyes widened with regret. Feyre and Rhys had been witnesses to that moment in the camp. Their lips pursed in unison.
‘I think you need to grow up. Both of you. You,’ she pointed a finger at Mor in the same way she had done to the King of Hybern, ‘need to grow a spine and be honest with Azriel. And you,’ the finger pointed now at Cassian, ‘need to stop being so damn stupid to go along with it and disrespectful to Azriel – and me. You need to rename yourselves to the Court of Hypocrites.’
That was as much as Nesta would give in acknowledging her feelings for him. She pulled her coat from the back of her chair and draped it over her shoulders. The silence ringing across the roof was almost painful. Nesta knew she’d regret her outburst in the morning. For now, it felt good like letting out all of the poison that had been clogging her veins.
She settled a hand on Azriel’s shoulder on her way towards the stairs. ‘They’re not worth it. I hope you know that.’
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Justice for Nesta recs (AO3)
Most, if not all, of these recs are in the Justice for Nesta/ ACOSF rewrite/fix-it vein. It will be updates as I find more fics, but feel free to send any recs you have.
TRIGGER WARNING! Many of these fics will be very dark, with references to suicide, ptsd, misogyny, and IC BS. However, I'll be sure to add specifics where applicable.
Fics For Those Craving Nesta JusticeI put all the fics I found into one collection on AO3 that, as the title suggests, are for those craving Nesta Justice. Please read the relevant tags for each fic, as many of them contain reference to PTSD, SA (both past referenced and in story), and general IC BS.
I'll also list every fic in this collection bellow, just to keep them all in one place. Feel free to also add your own finds or works if you have any. The collection is open, but moderated.
Those the Stars Cannot Hear by @kataraavatara
An ACOSF rewrite where Mor makes good on her threat to leave Nesta in the CON.
Baby, now we got bad blood by Pumpkinspice_Lou
They say you should never come between a male and his mate. Rhysand should've known better. Aka Cassian finally choosing Nesta. Completed two-shot.
A Court of Vice and Victors by Wishcamper
Acosf rewritten by a therapist. Need I say more? Incomplete.
You Made Her Like That By BookWorm77071
A few days into their Hike from Hell, Nesta is able to form one coherent thought: I don't want to do this anymore. So she stops. Three chapter short story. Completed.
Nesta becomes a baby by Theladyofbloodshed
Exactly what the title says. Oneshot.
A Court of Tangled Flames by Theladyofbloodshed
A Neris fic where Nesta gets the love story she deserves.
ACOTAR snippet collection by Theladyofbloodshed
A collection of Acotar what ifs.
Nesta vs. The Buffer by Theladyofbloodshed
After Nesta finally snaps at another 'family' dinner, calling Cassian and Mor out on their shit, she begins to heal and fall in love on her own terms. With a certain shadowsinger. Completed. Nezriel fic. Anti IC but they kind of redeem themselves at the end. Completed.
AU Where We Pretend Acosf Didn't Happen by Theladyofbloodshed
An alternative take to ACOSF, starting from post ACOFS. Nesta ends up leaving Velaris, starting herself on a journey of self discovery and healing. TW Beron Vansera, implied/referenced SA, IC being assholes.
Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream by This_Immortal_Hope
Nesta was a wolf. So, much like a wolf, she bided her time, accepting her exile with ice in her and determination in her heart. When she was ready, she tore their Court of Dreams apart with their own hypocrisy. One shot. No ship. Rhysand is thoroughly put in his place. Oneshot.
Second Chances by miryamdev
Cassian apologises to Nesta after the HOFAS bonus chapter.
A trick of the light by closet_monster
There was nothing condemning about madness or paralyzing fear. Nesta was familiar with both — they seemed to be a recurring theme in both womanhood and life in Hewn. Oneshot. TW Depression, self harm, and implied abuse. Please double check the tags before reading.
Burn for Eternity by rosemai
Nesta is defeated and broken down by the words of her sisters and the IC, so she takes matters into her own hands and meets a group on individuals who could give her the help she needs. Incomplete.
Nesta's Truth by grovellingboyfriends
After another year of leaving Nesta alone, Cassian finds Nesta in her apartment on Solstice, standing over a dead man. TW for implied SA, parental abuse, Elain is a bitch. 3/5 chapters published as of making this post.
Daylight by Flowerflamestar
Nesta Archeron, banished and betrayed, ran from cold and hatred straight into the light of Day and found a place where she could belong. Completed.
Might I Suggest You Don't Fuck With My Sis by MacabreGiggles
The intervention rethought, where the Archeron sisters decide to stand up for one another and put the IC in their place. Incomplete.
I died. I will die. It's alright. I don't mind. By MacabreGiggles
Nesta resorts to other means to cope, like drugs. Incomplete. TW. Abuse. Alcolism. Suicide. Sexual assault. Drug abuse.
The Veil of Silence by Hrizantemy
There exists a veil of silence, it shrouds our voices masking our truths, muffling our cries, our voices are muted, and dreams whispered. Incomplete.
You're a crisis of my faith by porque_nolosdos
Nesta and Elain leave the NC, and upon seeing the IC's reaction, Feyre decides to ditch them too. Incomplete.
A thousand cuts by adelindschade
It finally clicks for Cassian just how badly Nesta was hurting (it only took three TW suicide TW attempts), so he decides to try thinking of what Nesta would want. This decision leaves a ripple effect that will change the NC as we know it. Incomplete.
The consequences of normality by TheTeaQueen
After the events of ACOSF, things seem relatively normal. Until Cassian realises that Nesta doesn't ask for things, or that self hatred still grips her, or the facade she puts on for her family. When she starts cutting back on training and work in the library, he begins to worry. Maybe things aren't as perfect as he thought. Maybe their methods in helping her weren't as effective as he thought. Incomplete.
Three little words by TheTeaQueen
Cassian finally says those three little words that Nesta needed to hear. Oneshot.
Like fire, she raged by TheTeaQueen
Emerie stands up for Nesta and puts Rhys and Feyre in their place. Completed.
Of Death and Resurrection by TheTeaQueen
Part 1 of In the name of healing and happiness. Nesta was ready to die. So to save Feyre and Nyx, she did. Can Rhysand, the only person who can save her, bring her back from the brink? Completed. TW Implied suicide, rape/sa, anti Elain.
Of Shadows and Light by TheTeaQueen
Part 2 of In the name of healing and happiness. Technically more of a Gwynriel fic, but does have some Nessian since it follows the aftermath of Of death and Resurrection, only Azriel, Gwyn & Elain are the main focus. Ties up a lose thread or two from part 1, and is 100% Anti Elain. Completed. TW Implied child abuse, implied suicide, torture.
Of Reopened Wounds and Retribution by TheTeaQueen
Part 3 of In the name of healing and happiness. A trip to the human lands to discuss the treaty leads Nesta to face Thomas Mandray again. This time, she has family willing to go to hell and back for her. Incomplete. TW Implied rape/sa, panic attack.
Lady Death and Her Kingdom by TheTeaQueen
Amren pushes Nesta too far, causing her to awaken a strange new power. TW Implied child abuse. Incomplete.
The Hike, Alternatively by TheTeaQueen
An alternative take on The Hike from Hell, where Nesta attempt to TW commit suicide TW, and Cassian realises just how messed up their methods, and the events leading up to the hike are. Written for Suicide prevention month. Completed. TW Self harm, suicide, The Hike.
To Pay a Debt by TheTeaQueen
When Nesta sees that Feyre didn't include her in any of the paintings, she does the only thing she can think of; Run. Incomplete. TW, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, mentioned sa.
Burning from the Inside out by TheTeaQueen
An au where Nesta's secretly lived with Chronic pain her whole life, only for the cauldron and her new powers to exacerbate it. Complete. TW Implied/referenced child abuse, suicidal thoughts, ableism, internalised ableism.
The Whole Truth by TheTeaQueen
An alternative take where Nesta's deepest secret comes to light when Elain explodes at the dinner table one night. This forces the IC and her sisters to reevaluate their perception of her. Incomplete. TW: Child abuse, suicidal thoughts/ideation, forced prostitution, sexual assault (underage!!)
Set my Soul Alight by moodymelanist
Nesta finds solace in Autumn. No Nessian. Completed. TW Implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced rape, implied/referenced torture.
Falling by becauseofreading
Another take on what happens after Cassian tells Nesta that everybody hates her. Incomplete. TW Self harm, suicidal thoughts, blood and injuries.
Destruction and Renewal by Vorbi
Nesta is given the opportunity to form new alliances. Initially, she scoffs at the idea, but after a small, final act of disrespect from the IC, she decides to see where this new path leads us. Incomplete. TW Implied/referenced abuse.
No One Likes A Mad Woman by Separatist_Apologist
You made her like that. Nesta has had her choices tripped away, so when Eris offers her an out, she takes it. No happy ending for Cassian. The Night Court gets no sympathy. Completed. TW Domestic violence
A Cup of Tea by shaziskhalid
After realising that the Cassian of her dreams isn't the Cassian she's mated to, everything changed. (MCU! Wanda, modern Au). Incomplete.
Promise by Daughterofthesea
Begins during that scene where Cassian follows Nesta, and ends with him understanding just how much pain she's in, and deciding to actually help her.
Stay here (I love you, but I need another year) by littleplease
Nesta is tired, and losing the will to even try. Complete. TW Apathy, depression, vuage suicidal thoughts.
What you did to me (I'll spend my life trying to rise) by filthymouthedslut
Nesta is done with the IC's holier-than-thou attitude. No ship. Incomplete (3/4) as of updating this post.
Everybody hates you by Booksandsushi
A different take on the time Cassian tells Nesta that Everybody hates her. Incomplete.
Change is good by Booksandsushi
Nesta figures her life out on her own. Complete.
Truth of the Heart By TheFreakPanda
The months after ACOFAS leave Nesta presented with some new opportunities. Full of therapy and dancing. Completed.
I've Always Liked to Play with Fire by catalyste
After her village is destroyed and family killed by Hybern following Feyre's revenge mission, you wake up healed in the NC. After Lucien leaves you there, you find yourself trapped with Nesta Archeron, who turns out to be an unlikely ally. The two of you plan your escape with the help of Eris Vansera. Polly, Neris/reader, with IC bashing, and dragons. Incomplete.
The relapse by Janes_Melodies
Something broke in Nesta when she learned about the results of the vote, knowing it was a tie until Feyre. She was trying for her sisters and for Cassian, yet they still think she's cruel enough to create a whole new trove just to kill them all. For the first time in months, she gave into her desires. Incomplete. TW Alcoholism, Implied/referenced self harm, suicidal thoughts.
You're safe now by annieleonhardtsring
Rewrite of the scene where Nesta falls down the stairs, and Azriel stands up for her. Complete.
Love her how she should be loved by julemmaes
Cassian overhears his family making some not-so-subtle comments about Nesta, and it pushes him over the edge. So he goes to bat for her, blaming his friends for everything wrong with their relationship with his girlfriend. Modern AU completed.
The Nest World - The Next Life by bat_called_phil
ACOSF canon divergence fic that starts with the intervention, but diverts when Nesta takes a stand for herself, and Feyre starts holding Rhys accountable. TW Implied/referenced suicide, Implied/referenced abortion.
A Court of Spite and Isolation by xxTAO
Nesta choses the human lands, separated from the IC and the distractions from her trauma, she spirals. Incomplete (4/6) TW Suicidal thoughts, Implied/referenced alcoholism, Suicide attempt.
Come Home by Rhysanoodle
Cassian learns how Nesta's been living since she came to Illyria, and which fears haunt her the most. Complete.
#pro nesta#anti inner circle#anti ic#anti acosf#nesta deserves better#pro nesta archeron#anti rhysand#nesta acotar#anti elain#the archeron sisters deserve better#anti rhys#anti amren#anti cassian#anti feyre#anti mor#anti morrigan#fic rec
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Nesta vs the Buffer is literally the best fanfic in this fandom and I won't take it back for anything.
#sjm books#acotar#anti rhysand#anti feyre#pro nesta archeron#pro nesta#anti mor#anti inner circle#anti acosf#azriel
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ACOTAR Ships I Think About For No Reason (gimme fic recs please)
Feycien/ Feyre x Lucien (take me back!!!)
Lussian? Lucien x Cassian (the enemies to lovers Nessian could never be)
Feyssian?? Feyre x Cassian (maybe the best friends to lovers that never happened)
Feyre x Lucien x Cassian (heavy Band of Exiles vibes actually?)
Rhycien / Lucien x Rhysand (this is actually just a variant of the no-no ship, ifykyk)
Nezriel (I've read every fic and they're all delicious but Nesta vs Buffer is compulsory)
The no-no ship that everyone hates
Nesseida? Nesta X Cresseida (why did autocorrect try make that Nessian, Ew)
Nesquin / Nesta + Tarquin
(I've made a few posts based of my vision of Nesta in the Summer Court
+ I swear I've read two fics about them but I can't remember the names!! I just know at least one was from Flowerflamestars cause of their distinct style)
Actually wouldn't Elain and Tarquin be so cute omgggg!!! (I'm going to be consumed by this idea for the next 3 to 5 days)
Elain x Mor
Emerie x Cassian (I'll admit I don't know much about ACOSF but Emerie is the most prominent and probably the only real look at an Illyrian woman we'll ever get and old/fanon Cassian had so much potential to represent Illyrian men. We need poc x poc shiiiiipppssss)
Human!Elain x Graysen (I'm tired of anti human propaganda especially since in both acotar and cc they represent previously enslaved peoples and minorities as a whole, just say it out loud Sarah)
Rhysand x being alone as a morally gray person unsanctified by sjm's narrative.
Rhysand x Amren (villain power couple with rich guy bending over backwards to shower his enby lover in jewels, also poc x poc if you close your eyes and just accept it cause I said so)
Amarantha x being a more complex and competent villain
King of Hybern x a name
Papa Archeron x sitting in Human!Elain's greenhouse and thinking of his beloved bitch wife (love them idc idc)
Vassa x her throne in acotar Russia
Me x writing without spiralling down 3 separate tangential rabbit holes
#i promise this started off serious#acotar#acotar ships#feyre archeron#lucien vanserra#cassian acotar#nesta archeron#azriel shadowsinger#cressida#tarquin#elain archeron#morrigan acotar#rhysand#rhys acotar#amren acotar#feycien#feyssian#emerie#rhycien#morlain
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Title: Nesta vs the Buffer
Author: @theladyofbloodshed
Rating: Teen
Main Pairing: Nesta Archeron/Azriel [Background Nesta Archeron/Cassian, Cassian/Morrigan, Azriel/Morrigan]
Tags/Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Anti IC, anti mor/cassian, Prompt Fulfillment, nesta choke slamming the ic, Anger, Angst, Nezriel - Freeform, Revenge, Angst and Feels, First Time, Lovers, Submission, Oral Sex, shadowplay, Shadows - Freeform, group sex with the shadows?, Mirror Sex, Rough Sex, Edging, Bondage, Shadow bondage
Summary: Based on this prompt: Prompt-
Basically one where Nesta calls out the hypocrisy/disrespectfulness of Cassian and Morrigans ‘relationship’ infront of the whole inner circle- maybe at like dinner or something? And makes Cassian and mor realise the error of what they’ve been doing
I know that was weirdly specific, but it’s always annoyed me how nothing was ever actually said to Morrigan OR Cassian about how selfish she’s being when it comes to him even tho it’s so obvious and was one of the reasons nesta pulled away from him
** Due to popular demand, this is shifting into a Nezriel fic**
Word Count: 83,334
Status: Complete
#acotarlibrary#crackships#rating: teen#anti IC#no archive warnings apply#complete#word count: 50k-100k#canon divergence
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🧠💻 🍰 !
🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?
Neris. Fox tails. Harvard Yard. Take that as you will.
💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
I do depending on the fic. I did some research for my spooky lucien fic since it’s a retelling. Blood in the Wine has an entire story bible with notes, links to folklore, analyses, etc. It also is probably the most intense story I've written so far... mostly because BITW is partially a retelling of a myth/legend AND heavily references a slightly obscure German folklore ballad that I got a friend of a friend to translate for me : ) Yes I am aware that I'm a little feral about it, haha. If you wind up reading it, let me know if you can pick up on what the references are.
🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).
I WILL SAY IT NOW AND FOREVER NESTA vs THE BUFFER by @theladyofbloodshed is one of my fav comfort fics. I NEVER would have put Nesta and Azriel together but this author singlehandedly convinced me otherwise.
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I’ve git inspired by the hp anon: what are your favorite acotar ships?
or any ship you do not like at all as well!
OK LETS GET INTO IT! I’ll try and briefly explain why as well. When I say I “like” a ship, I mean that I actively seek content for it or would rb it if it came up on my dash.
SHIPS I LIKE:
- Neris: We all know my feelings on this one! This is what should have been.
- Nezriel: Didn’t quite get it until I read Nesta vs the Buffer by ladyofbloodshed, but it really does work. At the end of the day I want Nesta to be cared for and protected as she heals, and canon Cassian wasn’t doing it.
- Azris: They are both SO messed up but they’d be a power couple.
- Gwynlain: This is just a good wholesome ship. Every time I see art of them I’m reblogging it, but I haven’t read any fics of them.
- Tamsand: Childhood friends to lovers to enemies… need I say more?
- Rhysta: This is the wokest acotar ship, and they would be SO TOXIC but in a sexy way.
- Tamcien: They were living together for a long time, you can’t convince me it didn’t happen at least once. There is also clearly a lot of love between them, at least in TAR.
- Elucien: This pairing has so much potential it’s insane… not even just in terms of the characters just where the plot can take them (Autumn, Day, and beyond). If I don’t get to read Lucien as a love interest in canon, I’m done with these books fr
- Helion x LoA: I just want her to be happy 😭
- Lucnes: They would help each other heal, they have SO MUCH in common. SJM was wrong when she said they would tear each other apart!!
- Nesta x The Mercenary: This ship embodies what I like about nessian, but gay. We need to let Nesta be an intellectual with a muscular guard dog type character.
- Emerie x Balthazar: I love Balthazar and he needs to be brought back. I’m also intrigued by the idea of a ship that is between two Illyrians like maybe we can finally get a nuanced view of their culture.
- Gwynriel: Azriel is a total mess so he needs to shape up before he’s deserving of Gwyn, but the potential here is crazy.
- Neslin: Two deeply flawed and broken people. I like the idea of Nesta finding refuge in Spring, and helping Tam rebuild his court. She has a flair for politics that Feyre doesn’t, and from her upbringing would know how to conduct herself as a noblewoman.
- Nesta x Mor: I know I don’t like Mor, but this would be hot. Both of them would soften up as soon as they got to know each other more.
- Cassian x Rhys: Another one where you can’t tell me this didn’t happen at least once.
- Elriel: I came around to this one recently. Do I like it as much as elucien? No, but the forbidden aspect does appeal to me.
- Nesta x Jurian: thank you ladyofbloodshed for putting this in my brain. It’s just so… 🥰🥰
SHIPS I EITHER DISLIKE OR HAVE COMPLEX FEELINGS ABOUT
- Canon Nessian: i mean where do I even begin with this… ACOSF has been discussed to death. However I do indulge in some nessian fanfic from time to time, and the talented people on here know how to correct the dynamic so it’s something we can all enjoy.
- Feysand: I was all in on feysand until the baby thing happened in SF. However, there is really good feysand fanfic out there that I will read from time to time.
- Emorie: Mor is really not my favorite character, I can’t lie. However, I could come around to this if I read a good fic or if we get a sympathetic storyline from her in a future book.
- Feycien: Idk, this just doesn’t work for me. I can’t explain why I’m not feeling it, but I’m not.
- Feylin: I see why people loved it in TAR, but it’s not something I will seek out bc it’s just been nuked so much by canon. I prefer them with other people.
- Tamlain: Their personalities would not work together. I’m also too elucien brained to even consider this.
- Amren x Varian: After Amren and Nesta fell out, I was not vibing with her. But even beyond that, this pairing makes no sense.
- Moriel or Mor x Cassian: NO. JUST NO.
- Lucien x Vassa: I don’t like ships where one party is mortal, especially with Lucien bc he has been through enough as it is.
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OpenGL
OpenGL, ou Open Graphics Library, é uma API gráfica open-source com aplicações diversas, com suporte a múltiplas linguagens. Foi desenvolvida nos anos 90 pela empresa SGI (Silicon Graphics Incorporated) como nova versão de seu produto Iris GL para ser aberto ao público e adotado por hardwares no mercado. A API engloba um conjunto de funções relacionadas a hardware de vídeo, controlando estados possíveis de como o vídeo é calculado e apresentado, e pode funcionar mesmo se a exibição e o cálculo estão ocorrendo em máquinas diferentes. O design resultante afeta a pipeline e como os comandos funcionam, pois são agrupados pelo lado do software antes de serem enviados para o hardware.
Quanto à pipeline, apresenta em geral 5 etapas:
Especificação de Vértices: Os vértices que definem os primitivos são colocados em uma lista. Nesta etapa, são processados os dados internos e próprios ao vértice, e realiza-se o desenho das primitivas.
Processamento de Vértices: Operações programáveis são realizadas sobre os vértices juntados na primeira etapa. Podem ser aplicação de shaders aos vértices, tessellation, entre outros. As operações são escolhidas por aplicação e podem ser opcionais.
Pós-Processamento de Vértices: Funções de processamento fixas são executadas sobre os vértices. Há transformação e coleção de certos dados, construção (variada por aplicação) de primitivas, clipping de primitivas, culling de triângulos em ângulos não visíveis. Dependendo da aplicação, alguns desses processos são realizados parcialmente na etapa anterior.
Rasterization: as primitivas são transformadas em fragmentos para serem processados para a fase de pixel. Esses fragmentos são processados por shaders para se obter dados sobre as cores, profundidade, e outros valores.
Operações Per-Sample: Há uma última fase de culling, uma fase de blending das cores, e os dados são escritos para o buffer.
As linguagens de shader utilizadas podem ser diversas com o uso de extensões. No entanto, a API utiliza principalmente sua linguagem OpenGL Shading Language (GLSL). Esta linguagem é
em estilo C e apresenta diversas funções base.
Um exemplo de código em OpenGL poderia ser a renderização de um quadrado, com dois triângulos.
glBindVertexArray(VAO);
glBindBuffer(GL_ARRAY_BUFFER, VBO);
glBufferData(GL_ARRAY_BUFFER, sizeof(vertices), vertices, GL_STATIC_DRAW);
glBindBuffer(GL_ELEMENT_ARRAY_BUFFER, EBO);
glBufferData(GL_ELEMENT_ARRAY_BUFFER, sizeof(indices), indices, GL_STATIC_DRAW);
glVertexAttribPointer(0, 3, GL_FLOAT, GL_FALSE, 3 * sizeof(float), (void*)0);
glEnableVertexAttribArray(0);
//…
glUseProgram(shaderProgram);
glBindVertexArray(VAO);
glDrawElements(GL_TRIANGLES, 6, GL_UNSIGNED_INT, 0);
glBindVertexArray(0);
Um exemplo de código de shader seria um checkerboard.
#ifdef VS
precision highp float;
attribute vec3 position;
attribute vec3 normal;
uniform mat3 normalMatrix;
uniform mat4 modelViewMatrix;
uniform mat4 projectionMatrix;
varying vec3 fNormal;
varying vec3 worldPos;
varying vec3 localPos;
void main()
{
fNormal = normalize(normalMatrix * normal);
vec4 pos = modelViewMatrix * vec4(position, 1.0);
worldPos = pos.xyz;
localPos = position;
gl_Position = projectionMatrix * pos;
}
#else
precision highp float;
varying vec3 fNormal;
varying vec3 worldPos;
varying vec3 localPos;
float pulse(float val, float dst) {
return floor(mod(val*dst,1.0)+.5);
}
void main()
{
vec3 dir = vec3(0,1,0); // high noon
vec3 cpos = localPos;
const float d = 5.0;
// note: I don't do Z since it leads to weird patterns
float bright = pulse(cpos.x,d) + pulse(cpos.y,d);
vec3 color = mod(bright,2.0) > .5 ? vec3(1,1,0) : vec3(0,1,1);
float diffuse = .5 + dot(fNormal,dir);
gl_FragColor = vec4(diffuse * color, 1.0);
}
#endif
Há diversas aplicações para uma API gráfica acessível e de acesso público. Os softwares Adobe Photoshop e Adobe After Effects foram desenvolvidos na API, e o jogo Minecraft teve versões feitas em OpenGL.
Referências:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_OpenGL_applications
https://learnopengl.com/Getting-started/Shaders
https://www.khronos.org/opengl/wiki/OpenGL_Shading_Language
https://www.khronos.org/opengl/wiki/Rendering_Pipeline_Overview
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/OpenGL
Vulkan
A Vulkan é uma API de baixo overhead para computação e gráficos 3D, desenvolvida pela Khronos Group. Ela é multiplataforma, oferece controle preciso sobre hardware gráfico moderno (GPU), execução assíncrona, minimiza sobrecarga da CPU e permite otimizações de desempenho. Inicialmente conhecida como a "iniciativa OpenGL da nova geração," a Vulkan é derivada da API Mantle da AMD e foi projetada para padronizar a indústria.
Pipeline
Overview simplificado do pipeline:
Input assembler: coleta dados brutos dos vértices de buffers especificados e pode também usar um buffer de índice para repetir certos elementos, sem necessidade de duplicar dados do próprio vértice.
Vertex shader: executado para cada vértice, costuma aplicar transformações para converter as posições dos vértices do espaço do modelo para o espaço da tela. Além disso, passa dados per-vertex (por vértice) pelo pipeline.
Tesselation shader: permite a subdivisão da geometria, baseado em determinadas regras para aumentar a qualidade da malha.
Geometry shader: executado em cada primitiva (triângulo, linha, ponto) e pode descartá-la OU gerar primitivas adicionais.
Estágio de rasterização: discretiza as primitivas em fragmentos, que são os elementos de pixel que elas preenchem no framebuffer. Fragmentos que caiam fora da tela serão descartados, e atributos produzidos pelo vertex shader são interpolados pelos fragmentos. Usualmente, fragmentos que estejam atrás de outros fragmentos de primitivas também serão descartados devido ao teste de profundidade.
Fragment shader: invocado para cada fragmento restante e determina em qual framebuffer(s) os fragmentos serão escritos, além de com qual valor e profundidade. Isso pode ser feito usando os dados interpolados do shader de vértice.
Color blending: aplica operações para misturar fragmentos diferentes que mapeiam para o mesmo pixel no framebuffer, sendo que eles podem sobrescrever uns aos outros, somar ou serem misturados com base na transperência.
Renderização de um triângulo
Não foram incluídos aqui devido ao limite de caracteres do Tumblr, mas alguns códigos para a renderização de um triângulo podem ser vistos nos seguintes links:
Link 1
Link 2
Link 3
Exemplo de aplicação
O Vulkan pode ser utilizado para aplicações gráficas de alta performance 3D em tempo real, como video games, por exemplo. Neste link, é possível ver alguns jogos que fazem uso do Vulkan, como o Portal 2 e Superliminal.
Referências:
https://vulkan-tutorial.com/Drawing_a_triangle/Graphics_pipeline_basics/Introduction
https://vkguide.dev/docs/chapter_2
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulkan
https://vulkan-tutorial.com/Overview
https://developer.nvidia.com/vulkan
https://www.vulkan.org/made-with-vulkan
----
Resposta escrita por:
Amanda Laís (TIA: 31949436)
Augusto Scrideli (TIA: 42023092)
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Hi, I read the az pov and I understand why some people are shipping az and gwyn though I don’t like it and to me their interactions are platonic. I don’t really know the author but if she suddenly set aside all the hints for elriel because people hate elain and like gwyn better it would be so embarrassing for her. And the “azriel deserves better than boring elain” is a desperate thing to say. Idk maybe if the author to write a book about azriel getting over someone, it would be mor, not elain. Like, elain clearly has feeling for him too, something she does not have for lucien.
So, I definitely think SJM won’t just shove all the hints for Elain and Azriel under the table. We have four books of major build up. If she doesn’t even address it, honestly, that’s just lazy writing. Plus, she has perfectly set up the ship, the plot points, and themes to go with it:
Mating bond rejection
Blood Duel
Intra-court Squabble
Choice vs. Fate
Light vs. Dark
Forbidden Romance
There’s probably more that I’m missing.
You’re absolutely right that if SJM was going to write a book about Azriel getting over somebody, it would be Mor. But she deliberately chose to have Azriel slowly get over Mor in the span of 3 books to the point where Cassian notes that Azriel no longer longingly stares at her, that he no longer has to be a buffer between the two. I feel like she just wanted to hop into a single romance, rather than dragging out non-endgame ships.
We had a love square between Mor, Azriel, Elain, and Lucien. SJM resolved Mor and Azriel in the background. SJM is showing us Elain and Lucien’s relationship is dead in the water. A love triangle, at least not a proper one, is not happening.
And because I haven’t already done this... I’ll go into it.
I somewhat understand why some people may ship Gwyn and Azriel, but a closer reading of the bonus chapter are callbacks to the hints SJM dropped about Gwyn’s powers in ACOSF. I’ll go in order...
The young priestess smiled--and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.
&
Nesta couldn’t explain the way she sensed that there was something else mixed into her. Some secret beneath the pretty face. (ACOSF, Chp. 9)
So, it’s just curious to me that they both notice something is a little off about Gwyn. Not a strong parallel but it invokes the same thought - that something’s weird.
“How was the party?" Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music. (Azriel Bonus POV)
&
She angled her head, hair shining like molten metal. "Do you sing?” (Azriel Bonus POV)
&
Gwyn’s hair seemed to glow brighter with her song, skin radiating a beckoning light. Drawing any listener in. (ACOSF, Chp. 14)
&
Something beckoned in Gwyn’s song, in a way the others’ hadn’t. (ACOSF, Chp. 52)
Clearly there’s something associated with Gwyn’s singing that causes her hair to glow. Azriel’s shadows heard silent music and darted out to dance with her breath. Not Gwyn. Gwyn’s breath.
There’s also a point in ACOSF where Gwyn is singing quietly to herself and Nesta asks Gwyn about the Trove. Gwyn is clearly caught off guard and Nesta starts to imagine a threesome with Azriel and Cassian. It’s a really weird time to think about a threesome... And then Nesta snaps out of it. It’s oddly written and I suggest people take a look at Chapter 23 again.
Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer. (Azriel Bonus POV)
&
A crackling sort of energy buzzed around her, and Nesta’s power grumbled in answer. (ACOSF, Chp. 9)
This is pretty much the quote that tipped me off to Azriel’s bonus chapter hinting at Gwyn having powers. It’s a direct parallel. Both Nesta and Azriel’s powers respond to Gwyn’s power, answered her power.
Instead, he found himself at the library beneath the House of Wind, standing before Clotho as the clock chimed seven in the evening. (Azriel Bonus POV)
&
A bell rang seven times somewhere nearby, echoing through the stones, through Nesta’s feet. Each peal was a summons, a call to focus. Everyone rose at the seventh peal. Nesta gazed at the sea of pale robes and blue stones as the entire room seemed to suck in a breath.
As that seventh bell finished pealing, music erupted. (ACOSF, Chp. 52)
The priestesses have evening services where they sing. Nesta notes that they start when the clock chimes seven. Azriel shows up to the library when the clock chimes seven. Isn’t it coincidental that Azriel shows up during the priestess evening services...when Gwyn is singing?
Gwyn (either unintentionally or intentionally) had been utilizing her powers and that is likely the reason we have that odd part where Azriel found himself at the library, despite having the full intention to return the necklace, and why we see a lot of references to powers (glowing, singing, etc.).
I don’t think this proves that Gwyn is suspicious or that she’s evil. Not at all. I think this just points out that she has some powers and her purpose was to highlight that. And before anybody comes at me, normal people don’t glow when they sing.
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One of the main selling points for nessian was that cassian saw nesta so when sjm made him so obtuse to her suffering,really weakens his character imo.
Yeah... I mean. I think so too. Because there’s definitely a difference between ACOMAF/ACOWAR Cassian to ACOFAS/ACOSF Cassian. It’s very odd to me.
I know someone commented on one of my posts that they didn’t think Cassian lacks emotional intelligence like I claimed and I wrote a giant analysis so to speak, about emotional intelligence and Pre-ACOFAS Cassian and Post-ACOFAS Cassian, but I never posted it because at that point I was like ehh... wtf cares. I’ve ranted enough. It doesn’t matter in the slightest. It was way too long.
But there was a time I remember before ACOFAS, where a lot of the fandom was like the IC treat Cassian like he’s dumb. Like he’s just the comedic relief, or he’s just the person who sleeps around, who would sleep with Feyre yadda yadda, who don’t really validate his own feelings either, because with Feyre he was this lovable person who was very charismatic and I dare say emotionally intelligent. But with the IC, he was set in a role. There was a good amount of dialogue in ACOMAF about how they perceived Cassian, and it could of been friends speaking to friends, but it definitely didn’t seem like it.
But in ACOFAS and beyond, it really felt like the ignorance set in. Like he was made to be the dumb character. I don’t know if that was because conflict needed to be made, because the whole of the IC was unempathetic and that was a theme. I don’t know what it was. But there are many instances that I feel ACOWAR Cassian wouldn’t have been like that. There are so many times where Nesta is so obviously hurting that I don’t see how you wouldn’t connect dots and then change your own behavior accordingly, if nothing but being more sympathetic or even pitying or considering that Nesta is a victim of circumstance. But the theme as I’ve said many times in nicer ways of ACOSF, was “we’re not going to change, you’re going to change.”
Prime examples of Cassian’s lack of emotional intelligence was “Starving won’t bring your father back to life” HHAAHA I have to laugh, and then being given the evidence in three books that Nesta is a prideful, private person and then knowing she is suffering, knowing that she has suffered some sort of assault, which he himself has acknowledged and then bringing her to train in front of a bunch of men who are misogynistic and who’s own women won’t train either, and then being like WHY NESTA? WHY AREN’T YOU TRAINING? Why sit on that rock? and then not even asking her. LOL. Stupid.
And then... the fire. He literally notes in his own POV at least twice that she stays away from it, or she asks to move away and he doesn’t connect that she has some problem with it... until she explicitly tells him. MmmK.
And then with the marriage vs. mating bond, he notes that she is uncomfortable, he says “what spooked you?” or whatever so he knows that she’s obviously troubled in some way and she’s literally trying to tell him, and he’s like.... nah, I’m going to keep pushing and then he’s like “shackled.” Oy.
And in ACOFAS, the whole scene with the present for solstice and her “bullshit behavior” when they literally didn’t talk to her the entire time. They didn’t even try, and he’s over here like “I hope you try next year” or whatever. HAHAH. Cue maniacal laughter.
Like I understand you certainly wouldn’t know what goes on in Nesta’s head, but... is he that stupid to not connect dots from what he already knows? Especially from the male who visited the families of soldiers who died, who mourned them, who felt guilty, who understood Mor’s discomfort in the triangle to be the buffer, because he explicitly says that he played the buffer in ACOSF, so he was aware of the situation, who was actually a lot nicer and sweeter and patient with Feyre, offering in turn to train with him, because he understood the poverty, what she did, the killing of the fae, how that might have affected her, who literally kept going back to Nesta even after she was like get away from me in ACOWAR, because he understood that she had been violated, and no one else validated that except him. Where was the validation in this book?
Where was that Cassian?
He was kind I admit after moments of stupidity in ACOSF, but that doesn’t make him emotionally intelligent. Caring is not the same thing as empathy. But yeah... I really don’t understand why that was his MO in ACOSF, obliviousness... I would have appreciated it more if it was Cassian showing explicitly that he cared about Nesta and understood her pain, even if he didn’t understand why she was pushing him away, if it was less of Amren telling him to keep reaching out his hand, and him just being like No I need to reach out my hand, because she’s been through a war and I have known war all of my life. I’ve been through that aftermath many times. I’ve seen what it does as any kind and charismatic general would. But unfortunately no critical thought went into this book and the Cassian in ACOWAR is no longer.
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This is way out of my comfort zone, but for all you Nezriel lovers... here ya go!
Nesta vs the Buffer - Part Two (18+)
Nesta had been about to extinguish the little lamp beside her bed when the door had knocked. She wasn’t sure if she had heard it correctly, the brush of knuckles had been so gentle like the sweep of the wind.
A male was at her door, dark head bowed as she opened it. Azriel’s hazel eyes flickered to hers.
‘Have you been sent to kill me?’
A crease pressed between his brows. ‘Do you think I would knock if that was the case?’
‘Well, you are very polite.’
It struck Nesta that they had never really had a conversation, just the two of them before. They had spoken, sure, but usually as part of a group or if other people were present. He was tall in his own right; not as physically imposing as Cassian, but he reached as high as the door frame. A thick sweeping of hair fell across his forehead. She’d always thought him the prettiest.
They stood in a strange stalemate. Two of her neighbours were arguing in their apartment; it was a common occurrence she had found out, though only occurred late at night. It would go on and on. On the second night, she had knocked to see if the female shrieking needed help – only to be told by both of them to mind her damn business.
‘Are you here for a reason?’
Azriel swallowed. A shadow eclipsed him briefly. ‘I suppose I wanted to see if you were okay.’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
That dinner had been downright awful. Right from the start where she had tipped mushroom soup over herself and ended up wearing a dress that was too risqué, from being told the wrong time, for being forgotten and overlooked, all the way to her little eruption at dessert. None of it made her too embarrassed – except perhaps asking Varian if he slept with Cresseida. That was maybe slightly too far.
‘Can I stay here tonight?’
‘What?’ Nesta’s voice blurted, far too loudly. She tightened her dressing gown around her body then shifted back a step.
At her reaction, Azriel had grimaced slightly. ‘I continued what you started at the restaurant tonight. I don’t want to speak to them. And I know this is the last place they would expect me to be.’
Her apartment became a refuge for the shadow singer. When duty called, he returned to the inner circle. That wall of ice that surrounded him would not yield. He reported back to Rhys, winnowed wherever he had to for missions, but in his free time, he could be always found at Nesta’s apartment rather than spending another moment in their company. He didn’t share what happened at the restaurant. Nesta didn’t particularly care. She had said her piece and left the door open for him to swoop in
It was startingly easy to move around him. They orbited each other silently. Nesta might go out for a few hours, returning with a new book or Azriel would bring hot food with him from a café in Velaris. They never squabbled over using the bathroom, they ate the same food, had the same tastes, and were content to be in a reserved quiet. He didn’t get in her way, didn’t take up too much space. She only bothered him to offer him a drink or snack. Azriel always tidied the blankets on the couch each morning though Nesta doubted he slept much. Sometimes she could hear him, treading almost silently around the living room. It was only because she was still awake herself that she ever heard him.
One night when he’d knocked on late, she’d handed him a key, blinking at the bright lights in the corridor. ‘I’m sick of getting out of bed in the middle of the night. Let yourself in from now on.’
His eyes had passed over the key like Nesta had given him an heirloom. The pad of his thumb stroked along the collar and the bit. ‘Thank you.’
Another week passed with quiet conversations. She saw him only in the moments before she went to bed. A bat by looks and by nature, she had said, drawing a smile from him. Nesta liked those smiles because they were so rare. She had yet to see the shadow singer throw back his head in full-bellied laugher or to even show his teeth when he grinned. Azriel guarded himself carefully. It was a practise she knew very well.
Perhaps that was the reason why, that in such short space of time, they had warmed to each other. Nesta did not pry. Azriel did not either. He read reports. She read her books. She cooked. He cleaned. Sometimes he would disappear in the middle of the night, leaving the door on the latch, coming back before dawn, but Nesta didn’t interrogate.
‘Not that I want you gone, but I have to ask how long you do plan to be here for?’
A shadow danced near his ear, but Azriel swatted it away like a fly. How long will you remain angry with your family, she wondered. Would an equal measure of five hundred years dull the pain?
‘What I mean is, I feel terrible that you sleep on this dreadful couch. At your great age, it must play havoc with your back.’ A slight smirk from the shadow singer sent a wave of pride rushing over her. ‘If you planned on a long-term scenario… We could find another place with two bedrooms.’
‘You’d want to live with me?’
‘Why not? We already are.’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, threading a hand through his ebony hair. ‘The others tell me to loosen up, to lighten up, to be louder.’
A cocoon of silence always followed him. He never rushed his words or said more than he needed to.
‘I like you as you are,’ Nesta admitted.
Something charged passed through their gaze. Nesta felt it spike in her veins like a spark. Shadows blurred him from view so she took that as her cue to go to bed.
***
‘Why do you leave the room when I light a fire?’ Azriel couldn’t keep the question in. He had been staying there for almost three weeks now. With the arrival of colder weather, he’d fought against his revulsion for fire to keep the apartment warm for them. And every time that first tendril of flame had come to life, Nesta would depart to the bedroom. ‘Is it my hands?’
He kept his hands balled into fists, the scars taut over his bones. Nesta froze in the doorway to her bedroom, a book clutched to her chest. Instinct had her gaze darting to his hands then she shrugged. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘My hands,’ he repeated, the words unsure on his lips. He hated this. Hated drawing attention to them.
Nesta drew nearer hesitantly. She set the book down on the small table. ‘I don’t know what happened to your hands. I don’t have an issue with them, Azriel.’
Azriel tensed. He had thought all the sisters knew. The story had been given wings in secret as if it would spare Azriel’s feelings if they all knew without him having to share the story.
‘What happened to your hands?’ Her voice was gentle. It was the gentle tone Nesta only ever reserved for Elain. Firmly, she caught hold of each hand and pressed them both between her own. It was the first time that somebody hadn’t examined them, hadn’t tried to cast an inconspicuous look upon them when they were the topic of conversation. She had acknowledged them, but hadn’t given them value. He was more than his scars.
‘My father and his wife kept me imprisoned in darkness for years. My brothers poured oil on my hands then lit them.’
The words were rough. He’d told the story only once before – over five hundred years ago when he had finally trusted Rhys and Cassian enough to share it with them.
Azriel could not look at Nesta. Could not bear to see if she was about to inspect his hands. He braced himself for the words that so many said. They were words that ruined him, no matter how well intended they were – have you seen a healer? Can they not be glamoured away? Why don’t you wear gloves?
Nesta merely squeezed his hands tighter with her own and said, ‘I cannot be near a fire because when it cracks, I am back on that field. I am watching the King of Hybern break my father’s neck. When I hear the logs split, I am waiting to die at the hands of the king.’
Not all scars could be seen. What his blood had done to him had ruptured a part so deep that it would never heal. What Nesta had been exposed to in the war festered in her chest too.
They had showed their insecurity to the other. It was strange to let her in – strange to let anybody in, least of all the cold and imperious Nesta Archeron.
On the couch, they sat in silence. He allowed Nesta to look at his hands without hiding them away. Her fingers found patterns in the brutal scarring rather than being repulsed by it. Azriel was sure that there wasn’t a scar that she hadn’t touched. If she was faking it, hiding her disgust, she was a good actress. Even Mor had always faltered slightly before touching them as if they might catch and her unblemished hands would be ruined.
Every time the fire spat, Nesta’s body would tense. She’d grip onto his hands until she had coasted through the wave of anguish. They were each other’s anchor that night.
The following morning, they did not acknowledge the moment they had shared. Azriel wasn’t even sure if he had dreamt it. A mutual trust had grown between them without realising. He found himself watching her butter toast with an expression that anybody else might read as severe. Nesta always looked as if she was scrutinising something even if she wasn’t. Her smiles were there, but locked away. On the rare occasion that Azriel had prised a genuine laugh from her, it bathed him with warmth. She would tip back her head and screw her eyes shut. Her laughs were beautiful.
He postponed his trip to Illyria slightly. Nesta had made them both breakfast, unexpectedly, and he was too guilty to leave it untouched. They had sat together at the narrow table tucked by the kitchen, eating in a peaceful silence.
‘I’ll be back before dinner today. If that’s alright?’
‘I won’t complain,’ she said.
There was a note in her voice that gave Azriel pause, gave him a reason to drink her in a minute longer. He thought of the way that she had cradled his hands last night. The gentle side of her that so rarely saw the light of day. How she had leaned on him for support – and he’d been happy to steady her.
‘Then I’ll come back as soon as I can.’
‘Good.’
In one syllable, Azriel’s mind raced. One syllable had him postulating over a thousand different outcomes.
Shadows enveloped him, prising him away to Illyria. The prickles that covered his body whenever he reached his homeland seemed softer today, wrapped in silk rather than iron. He glanced down at his hands as if remembering the feel of Nesta’s fingers there like she was following rivers on a map.
‘I’ve seen that look before,’ a low voice murmured.
Azriel snapped his head up, jerking away slightly.
‘No,’ Rhys breathed in awe. ‘I caught you by surprise. Five hundred years and I have finally made you jump.’
Azriel rolled his eyes. ‘It won’t happen again.’
‘So, who is she? What beguiling female has put that dreamy look in your eyes?’
His shadows curled around him, whispering that they would strike if he wanted them to. They had always protected him.
‘Where’s Devlon? Let’s get this over with.’
Rhys did not drop the subject as they marched across the windy paths of Windhaven, pausing occasionally to inspect the sparring rings they passed. ‘One day, you will finally bring a female home for us to meet.’
‘Keep waiting.’
Cassian dropped out of the sky with a heavy thud. At the sight of him, Azriel felt hot and sick all at once. He kept his face trained on the young male nearest them who was examining weapons.
After their rooftop argument, Cassian had given him the space that he knew he needed. When the time was right, he had sought him out at the River House, likely after arranging with Rhys to summon him there. Cassian had been genuine with his apology. Whenever their paths had crossed since, his brother always begged him to come back home. To the House of Wind. To the River House. Just to come home.
Yet, when Azriel had asked Nesta if Cassian had apologised to her for hurting her feelings – for letting Mor come between whatever had been budding there - she’d folded her arms across her chest and said no.
‘I don’t want an apology from him. I don’t want anything from him.’
That memory diverted his guilt into righteousness. Nesta had held his hands only – and she had every right to do that. She was not promised to Cassian. Azriel was not tangled with anyone. They were friends. Friends doing nothing wrong. Still, he couldn’t manage to look into Cassian’s eyes for very long.
The day was busy examining new recruits. Their days would follow a similar pattern until the worst of the winter came, Az knew the schedule well. They’d visit each camp to see what lecherous males each camp lord had recruited that autumn then they would assess the likelihood of any of them making the Blood Rite the following year.
‘Come for dinner,’ said Rhys. It was an order rather than an invitation.
Cass slung an arm around his shoulders. ‘We can make a night of it. Mor’s not there. She’s in the Continent still.’
The reproachful look from Rhys hadn’t faded quick enough for Azriel to miss. Mor had cried on the roof, apologised, said she wanted to be his friend. Like a bucket of water had been thrown on hot coals, any lingering feelings for her had been extinguished. More than anything, Azriel was a fool.
For years, he had nurtured a hope of them. He thought perhaps she still needed time. Needed time to meet new people after a youth spent in captivity, after what her family had done to her. Time to explore the world, time to have fun. It had not mattered to him how many lovers she had taken to bed. On the occasions that she blew hot and cold towards him, he was always unable to figure Mor out. She would invite him close then push back. He blamed it on her past, blamed it on her mother and father. Often, he blamed himself too. She would not see him as anything more than a lesser fae savage so Azriel held back. Once, he had tried to confess how he felt.
The memory of that day was scarred into his mind; of confessing that he knew he was unsuitable for her, but he still wanted her. Without a word, Mor had walked away. A bastard lesser fae savage whose father hated him enough to lock him up. The shame had burnt him. That shame of daring to believe that Mor might have given him a chance – that any female would risk sullying themselves with a male like him.
Each time that Mor flirted with his brother, those feelings wilted more and more. Cassian was like him – and that was what he could never understand. They were both Illyrians. Both bastards. Yet Azriel was somehow less worthy of her touch. He'd blamed it on his hands, blamed it on the shadows that made others uncomfortable. Then he’d even thought that maybe he had imagined the soft smiles and loving touches that she gave to him; that he was so desperate for Mor that he was creating a love story that didn’t exist.
‘I didn’t want things to change,’ she’d wept on the roof, gripping the buttons of his shirt. ‘I like how things are between us.’
Those words had cracked the ice. She liked him to be her shield against her family, against Eris. Azriel had been her knife too. But she did not want him. She would use Cassian to put him off regardless of the strain it put on the brothers. That was what she liked, because the alternative was facing up to the fact that for five hundred years, she had let him believe he was not worthy of her rather than being honest. She would strike out at Nesta because she realised that Nesta would take away the one barrier that stopped the truth from leaking out.
‘I have places to be,’ he said coldly.
***
Azriel was one the most difficult people to read that Nesta had ever encountered. When he had arrived home that evening, tension had bracketed his body. It wasn’t unusual. It didn’t offer anything to his mood.
She was learning to observe his shadows. Sometimes they were excitable, moving quickly without restraint when Azriel was in a more playful mood. Other times, they stayed close by to comfort or to protect. Tonight, they were gone. Nesta didn’t know what that meant.
They ate quietly. Azriel did not divulge on his day, but he had thanked her for cooking and asked how her own day had been. Nesta had been into the city. The male had insisted on providing coin for his opulent lodging of the broken couch, so she had spent some money on wooden children’s games to occupy the time with the approach of winter. Nesta was happy to find that many were similar to mortal games she had played with servants.
‘You don’t want to play cards with me,’ said Azriel after his shower. His dark hair was damp and curled around his face. ‘I cheat.’
‘You’re a very honest cheat,’ she acknowledged, shuffling the cards. ‘Since I have no other company, you will have to do.’
They knew similar games and established rules. It had been a long time since Nesta had played games. She thought of the elderly servant who had seemingly always been a part of the household staff when she was little. Somehow, he had learnt sleight of hand tricks. Nesta had believed it to be faerie magic and would watch in wonder as he’d always guess what her card had been or how he’d transform her card into a toffee for her to gobble. He’d had a hacking cough, veiny hands, and grew thinner each time Nesta sought him out in the gardens. One day, he never came to the manor again. When she’d asked her father, he’d simply said the servant was gone.
‘Why do you keep glancing over your shoulder?’ Azriel’s eyes narrowed. ‘Are you expecting somebody?’
She bit down on her lower lip. ‘I’m trying to work out how you cheat. I keep thinking there will be a shadow behind me, spying on my cards.’
‘They don’t make you uncomfortable?’
They were a part of him. ‘Of course not.’
Once games became tiresome, Nesta asked the male about the Blood Rite. She had purchased books about Illyria to better understand that part of the land. Their training was brutal, lives were short for many. She couldn’t fathom dumping a child in a war camp. It reminded her of baby birds that were pushed out of the nest and forced to fly. Many more didn’t.
‘These ones,’ Azriel said, gesturing to the whorls of black ink running over his bare arms, ‘are standard for most warriors. They’re associated with luck and glory. After the Blood Rite, males receive more in a ceremony. Bodies are flagging but you have to stand up for one more night of drinking and tattoos. That’s the final test.’
‘You have those?’
Azriel nodded, eyes searching her face. ‘You receive more depending on your status. The three of us touched Ramiel so we received the highest honours.’
‘Show me them.’
***
Obliging, Azriel pulled off his shirt. Nesta’s eyes canvassed his chest, tracking the details in the ink. Wrong. So wrong. Their conversation was minimal as she committed the hard planes of his body to memory. Both of them knew they were crossing a boundary tonight. From Nesta’s fervour, as she touched his skin, Azriel surmised she didn’t care.
Fingers traced the whorls with an intensity that a scholar might brush the letters of an ancient text, seeking answers. Her knuckles tracked up Azriel’s neck and he lifted his chin as she reached his jaw.
‘What do you want?’ His voice was a quiet warning in the dark.
A muted smile was his response. ‘You’ll make me beg for it?’
Azriel followed the pattern his thumb drew on Nesta’s collar bone, the daring sweep of it below the cut of her gown. His eyes flickered back to her. ‘I want to hear it from your lips.’
Wanted to hear if she was brave enough to voice it. Wanted confirmation that it was not just him getting lost down a path they never should have wandered down. Wanted to know that he wasn’t wasting his feelings once more on someone who didn’t value him.
Nesta brushed his hand aside. She appraised him with the same steel look that she had given to every high lord in the Dawn Court meeting.
In a swift motion, she straddled his lap. Now, she was the one pushing him to his limit. Seeing how brave he would be. A hand stroked against his hair then it was holding him in place.
‘I want you to kiss me.’
So, he’d obliged. Nesta had leant forwards and everything had felt as if it was moving at a different pace. The fire’s movements were slow and sluggish. The world even stopped turning on its axis.
They had moved too fast. Azriel’s lips crushing against Nesta. A flush spreading up her cheeks as he kissed down to her neck in a fevered motion. Her hand had raked through his hair, dragging his mouth back to hers.
Her hips had circled his lap. His hands curved around to grip her waist, to help the motion that was undoing him. Nesta’s soft moans were a beacon to him, calling for more.
It was a mistake. Every kiss, every tantalising touch was a mistake. He should have stopped.
She’d been confident, tugging him to the bedroom, hands gliding up his bare back. She hadn’t said stop when he lifted her against the wall, kissing so deeply time halted. Hadn’t protested when he’d roughly pulled her dress off, not when he’d run his scarred hands over her beautiful body.
He hadn’t known. Hadn’t realised she was a maiden until he had given the first thrust, felt her body shudder around him, the sharp spike of her breath against his ear. He’d seen the blood after and nearly vomited. He should have been softer. Shouldn’t have rushed straight into bedding her. Shouldn’t have pressed his body so tightly to Nesta’s that her hips ground into his skin. He’d crossed a line. His mind buzzed with a thousand feelings, a thousand scenarios.
Revenge. Was that what Cassian would think? Some sick payback for him sleeping with Mor all those years ago?
Nesta leaned over the bed, fumbling for anything to regain her modesty. He couldn’t let her think she was a pawn in a game of vengeance. Azriel rushed to the bathroom, found a cloth to soak with tepid water. He hesitated from cleaning her himself and instead pressed it into her hands.
‘I didn’t know you were a maiden.’
Why was it worse that she was? Because Azriel knew how the others would view it when it came to light. Knew that for a once-mortal female, this should have been special and he had been rough with passion.
‘Not anymore,’ she muttered.
Azriel faced the wall, allowing Nesta the privacy she deserved. He heard the slide of a drawer then a night gown being pulled over her head. He fixed her with a look. ‘Did I hurt you?’
For a fraction of a second, her face faltered. ‘Just at the start.’
His chest tightened at the admission. ‘Sorry.’
Azriel knew he should leave. Knew he should not have ever come to her apartment. It had been a dangerous game, right from the start. Night after night, they’d edged further down a path that there was no returning from with their growing companionship. But if he left and never came back then Nesta would think she’d been used. That had not been his intention. Never would be his intention.
When Nesta tugged the sheets from the bed, balling them up to hide the blood, Azriel started on the pillow cases too. It was a way of atoning. Remove all traces of the illicit night they had shared.
‘You don’t need to do that.’
‘I want to,’ he murmured.
Silently, they stripped the bed then placed fresh sheets onto it. Nesta didn’t ask him to stay in her bed and he didn’t want her to.
He flew as far as he could, to the furthest reach of Illyria. He had well and truly fucked up everything.
***
Any soreness did not linger. Nesta found herself unable to concentrate without memories of her night spent with Azriel pulsing to the surface. Heat flooded her body when she remembered the way he had moaned against her skin as he entered her. Her breath shuddered each time she recalled the flicker of his tongue against her ear.
When she imagined her first time with a male, it ought to have been a wedding night to a bland mortal man her parents had arranged for her. As a fae, the vision had shifted to a fantasy of a dreamy male who loved and cherished Nesta. He’d have lit candles around the room, proposed maybe, scattered petals and moved his hips a few times until he found release while she had lay beneath him like a plank of wood.
Her imagination had disappointed her. It hadn’t been able to conjure the thrill that Azriel’s hands had. Hadn’t crafted the same pounding excitement when Nesta had taken control and climbed onto his lap. It was more intimate than anything she could have dared to dream. The shadow singer had caressed all of her, unable to settle on one place he wanted to touch. Desire had been the tinder and want the flame. They’d moved together in waves finding pleasure in each other’s bodies. There had been no reluctance or shyness, only lust.
She supposed she would not see him again. The white horror sheeting his face when he had realised that she had been a maiden was enough to deter him. It would be a secret warded in the dark whenever they were in shared spaces.
@canvashearts
#nesta vs the buffer#azriel x nesta#nezriel#nesta archeron#azriel#there will be a few more parts to this
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Nesta and Elain
I’m going to add now: I recognize my own clear bias towards Elain. And in many ways, this post is in part to defend her, especially since now that fandom has more insight on Nesta, there’s been an increase in hate towards Elain, especially in regards to her interactions with Nesta. Some of these include expecting her to remain in a toxic situation purely because she “owes” Nesta. And so i want to discuss, why that mindset is wrong (which i’ve done a couple times in terms of morally/ethically) because they barely have a relationship anyway. Mostly, i just want to actually describe what we see of them. I’m going to try to stick to mostly just facts of what happens, with some inferences based on text on either side.
So there’s a lot of evidence to show, that while the two clearly clung to each other when their family fell, and that there’s obvious love on either side for each other, they do not have a strong relationship. Or a healthy one. Or a good one.
Not only do we have Elain mentioning that no one ever really listens to her (which is obvious it does in fact apply to her family as we see in canon a few times over, I’ll get to that). But you’d have thought that in ACOSF we’d see some kind of fond memories from Nesta about Elain. Some kind of fondness. Something that made us really believed and finally understand why she loved Elain so fiercely she would have ripped apart the world to defend her. Instead, we learn, Nesta has never told anyone she loved them until she said it to Feyre. And we do not see a single happy thought about Elain from Nesta. No happy memories. Nothing. But there was no explanation for WHY she felt so strongly for just Elain. And not a single thing to really support her feeling that way.
We’re led by Feyre to believe that Elain and Nesta are so close. And at first glance, sure, it’s easy to believe. They spend the most time together. They gossip and talk at dinner together. They have the matching iron bracelets (that I believe wasn’t a purchase made by both as Feyre seemed to think, but by Nesta, because Feyre mentions specifically how Elain had spent her money on gifts for her sisters, and I think if Elain had been involved, she would have gotten one for Feyre). Then throughout the series we see how much Nesta is willing to fight to protect Elain. How much she wants to keep Elain away from danger. We see her wanting to do things with Nesta, but not knowing how anymore because she’s becoming more distant. We see Elain even wanting to spend time with Nesta and trying to keep her included in things into ACOFAS.
To me, the illusion fades with that conversation with Lucien in the library. When Elain says that no one really heard her. And when you look at things, it becomes obvious. Most especially with Nesta. Feyre we know already knows little about her sisters. She assumed that Nesta hated her, and that her sisters would be glad to have her gone. And is surprised that Nesta would have gone after her. But with Elain we see this frequently. Elain wants to help Feyre. So she speaks up. Yes, it puts her relationship at risk. And yes, we know that Nesta takes over in an attempt to provide a buffer for Elain should Graysen find out, to maybe save her from the heartbreak of him leaving her for helping any Fae. But it doesn’t change that it was Elain’s decision. Elain’s desire to help. Nesta instead pushed her out of it wherever she could (IE taking over correspondence for them) in the name of protecting her. This is a problem. Because 1) Nesta is sacrificing her own feelings to do what Elain wants, which I think is wrong. Nesta didn’t want to help, and I think she should have stuck to that. Stuck to her own decision. 2) Nesta is preventing Elain from dealing with consequences of her actions (IE, if Graysen found out she was helping the fae). 3) This is disrespecting Elain's agency. She's not letting Elain be herself by constantly interfering 4) she then goes on to belittle Elain for those things, despite it being her decisions and actions to interfere. And we can recognize that her intentions are good all we want, it doesn't make the actions themselves good or even appropriate. Intentions only mean so much. They certainly don't excuse such detrimental behavior.
Now could Elain have fought back? The black and white answer? Yes. But it's not that simple. Elain we know has been belittled from a young age by at least her mother (okay that's an assumption on my part. But with feyre's description of their mother and Nesta's memories, i certainly wouldn't be surprised if she'd said those things to Elain's face). And essentially raised to be pleasant and agreeable. A proper lady. Her confidence in herself doesn't seem very high. Not to mention, she's much quieter than Nesta. Imagine how exhausting it would be to fight your sister on every little thing you wanted to do. And we see this in canon. Every time Elain wants to help, she has to fight Nesta. I don't think this just magically started in acomaf. I'd wager its been going since a minimum of coming to the cottage (It’s part of why I think Elain doesn’t necessarily take up chopping wood when the request is there. i think she attempted once, and Nesta stopped her and wouldn’t let her). I personally think since their mother's death. Elain is also younger than Nesta, and we do have canon evidence of her having at least one memory full of complete adoration. And a respect for the art form and her sister's views on life. So her fighting back, isn’t as easy as fandom wants to think it is.
I also want to bring up someone once mentioning in ACOTAR when Elain and Feyre were talking, and Elain mentions that she feels awful to have her friends over because Nesta makes them uncomfortable, and how that’s so disrespectful of Elain. No it’s not. Elain is allowed to have friends over. And Nesta just glared at them. I’m not saying she had to like them (because I understand why she wouldn’t), but that was rude, and she could have easily been elsewhere, and let Elain have her friends and enjoy time with them. I also read it differently, in that Elain feels awful inviting her friends over because it’s upsetting Nesta too. Which isn’t fair to her either, given that Nesta has at that point begun isolating herself (and while we as readers become aware of why later, Elain has absolutely no idea. And already has said Nesta wouldn’t talk about it. Implying she tried reaching out too), thus leaving Elain feeling very lonely. Overall, Elain here is feeling the way she should. It’s like when you have company over and your parents start yelling at you, or just being anything less than polite and you have to deal with the awkward tension.
Then comes ACOSF. And i know i wasn't the only one hoping to find out more about their relationship. And i’m not the only one who was left disappointed that we still don’t get to understand Nesta’s behavior when it comes to Elain. In fact, if I had only read ACOSF and you had told me that before that, Elain seemed to be Nesta’s favorite sister, I’d call you a liar. I do not get a single ounce that Nest has a loving feeling for Elain in ACOSF. Certainly at the very least, not enough to justify the way she treated Elain vs. Feyre in earlier books. Not to mention, Nesta is under the very immature and inaccurate idea that Elain has chosen Feyre over her. As if it’s black and white. As if Elain can only love her or Feyre. And yes, it’s a sign of her mental illness with depression and trauma. That’s fine. But it still shows a very limited viewpoint. And really only shows a care for herself, no thought of Elain or Elain’s state of mind or even really any empathy for the fact that Nesta was the one causing the rift between them and how that was truly affecting Elain. (Again more trauma response. But my point here is that there is very little empathy towards the sister that we’re told she so vehemently loves).
Now onto the part that I know is my unpopular fandom opinion: Nesta dealing with Elain’s trauma vs Elain dealing with Nesta’s...and how their traumas were very different to deal with in the first place.
My unpopular opinion is that Nesta wasn’t doing anything to actually help Elain. She was doing everything to protect her. But was not interested really in her healing. Nesta isolated Elain, who had previously been social in many ways. We don’t ever see how she fought for Elain to eat or drink or have a will to live. We only hear her say that’s what she did. But fandom does need to stop saying that Nesta was with Elain every second of every day (i have had people say this in arguments. It’s a flat out lie. There’s far more textual evidence that Nesta left Elain alone throughout her trauma than there is that she was by her side constantly. And I don’t say she was never by her side). Because the fact of the matter is that isn’t remotely true. Perhaps of the first few weeks. Before Feyre returned. But after that? We hardly see Nesta with Elain. We instead see her keeping people from interacting with her. Keeping them from giving Elain choices.
And we can shout that she was doing what she thought was best, but it doesn’t change that the effect it had was Elain being isolated and underprepared. Elain had been trying to do her part to help since ACOMAF. And she was being blocked. Elain deserved that chance to go to the high lord’s meeting and share her story (especially since Nesta didn’t want to and wasn’t going to up until the last minute). And Elain should have been offered the same training as Nesta. Especially once they learned she had powers. Instead no one offered to let her help (even though she’d been wanting to help since Feyre first came asking). No one offered to train her. Because Nesta would have had their heads. Saying that it was to keep Elain from doing something she might not have been ready for, plays into the idea that Nesta is protecting Elain from growing. Learning. Protecting her from the consequences. Nesta refused to let anyone really near her beyond the necessities.
Speaking of: Can we please talk about something no one else does? The fact that Nesta just accepts the fact that Elain is mad. That she’s broken. The effect that could have had on her, is so detrimental to Elain’s mental health. The thoughts she was probably already dealing with and then to hear that from her sister? Like she refuses to accept that there could be another answer. And while we might agree and empathize why she would say that, it doesn’t change the effect saying it would have on Elain, who was already struggling heavily to deal with everything that had been thrown at her at once. And even once Elain became Lucid, and they identified the problem, Nesta (and Feyre) continued to try to leave her behind. Again, yes, in the name of protecting Elain. But Nesta never listened to Elain. Never saw that Elain improved upon being involved. That just that action of her wanting to do something, was making her Lucid and back to herself. Instead, Nesta ignored that. Which is why I say she wasn’t focused on Elain’s healing. That and the fact that she’s making assumptions that Elain is fine now.
Elain tried to stay involved with Nesta. No, she didn’t go outside her comfort zone and go into the places Nesta was spending time. But she was trying. I admit, the shot upon Nesta’s arrival is weird. I’m torn between thinking it was a legit, to help relax, or thinking it was something she was pouring as Amren said the comment and decided to drink it instead of giving it to Nesta. (Because yes, it would be easy to say as Amren spoke, elain had been pouring, but even without that, it doesn’t mean things aren’t happening at the same time). When that didn’t work, Elain agreed intervention was necessary. and I just made a whole ass post about why that wasn’t giving up on Nesta like fandom keeps thinking.
And of course, Elain is not perfect here. She has made her mistakes. Though hers are mostly in terms of words. At least the ones I could find textual evidence for when it comes to Elain and Nesta. And mostly done in terms of emotional response.
Now. I did not intend for this post to shit on Nesta. I’m afraid it feels like it has. So I am going to tag it accordingly. But this was more to bring to light the reality that Nesta and Elain aren’t that close. They don’t have a close relationship. They were more security blankets for each other in ACOTAR, and their missing foundation began to show in ACOMAF when Nesta was unaffected by Tamlin’s Glamour and Elain was. I do think there’s a lot of love to be had between them. (Honestly hearing Elain talk about Nesta dancing, and hearing her be happy that Nesta has the Valkyries, even though she feels like she’s been losing Nesta made my heart swell for the amount of love there). But I wanted to point out that their relationship was extremely surface level and nothing deep. That it’s certainly not what fandom acts like it is as they spin this tale of complete and utter evil Elain betraying Nesta and how Nesta has done so much for Elain. Nesta had never even told Elain she loved her. Ever. Which i think is telling about where they really stand.
So let’s please stop acting like Elain owes Nesta everything under the sun because of all the things Nesta did for her. Their relationship was never deep. And while Nesta’s protectiveness stems from a place of love, is actually more detrimental to Elain and her overall growth, than it is good. And Elain has done the things she considered to be best for Nesta, and tried to show love her way. Which is equally unperfect. Because neither of them are perfect.
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In Defense of Misogyny?
NOPE!
Before I start, I will not be defending misogyny. There is no defense for misogyny. I'm just a bit of a bitch who couldn't resist a controversial title. *shrug*
I saw a conversation recently about how horrible it is that the fandom loves Eris and is quick to hate Mor. I was going to post my response in a reblog, but I realized that, on top of the post ending up very long, I wasn't fully responding to the conversation at hand. I was sharing my own thoughts that only semi-relate.
If you're interested in that convo, you can find it here.
However, I am not going to directly respond to this, because the conversation made good points. And I very much agree, in theory, that we should not be more forgiving of males than females in general.
Instead, I just want to share my own feelings on why it may not be misogyny to like Eris and dislike Mor, and the main questions to ask to understand that.
First and foremost - I would like to state that we can not and should not hold women to a higher standard than men. In this, I hands down agree.
I will also agree that it absolutely can be sexist/misogynistic to love Eris and hate Mor. However, as someone who, while in the throes of ACOSF, was upset with Mor and still liked Eris (or, enjoyed him? I love Eris, but I'm not always 100% sure I truly love him, or the character and the mystery behind him and my own hopes of who he might actually be), I don't consider myself or my reasons to have been sexist.
Also, I would like to point out that I did not end ACOSF still very upset with Mor. My current feelings are that I hope to see more of her to fall back in love with the character, as I did love her, for the most part, especially in ACOMAF. And I totes ship Mor/Emerie.
That being said, I think we have to take a moment to consider a multitude of factors around why one might currently be more forgiving of Eris than Mor, as well as other pieces, that may or may not show this as true misogyny.
1. Why are we mad at Mor?
Personally, for me, yes, I don't love that Mor hasn't said anything to Az, even in the vein of just telling him it's not going to happen. It's not that she must do this, or that Az deserves that, specifically. It's more that it would be the right thing to do. But, I'm not mad at Mor for this, because I understand why she doesn't. Similarly, there is no male character who I'm solely mad at because they kept a secret.
No, what hurt me the most about Mor - and yes, hurt me is the best way to describe it - was her complete disdain and hatred for Nesta. I am, generally speaking, biased toward Nesta, and I do recognize this. But it doesn't change where I came from. She was horrible to Nesta almost from the get go. Sure, she brought Nesta to the Night Court and then, the next time we see them together, Mor is snapping at Nesta. She basically ignores Nesta when Nesta decides to join them for the High Lord's meeting. She causes Cassian to pull his hand away from Nesta during the war - which, admittedly, was a Cass action I'm still waiting for an explanation on, but it still had to do with her. Cassian was doing that for her, which means that he believed him holding Nesta's hand might hurt Mor or something - why? What is it that makes Mor soooo against this compared to everyone else? It's either a selfish reason - i.e. the buffer thing - or it goes back to her just hating Nesta the most. She then basically yells at Nesta for waiting at Cassian's tent when he's injured - for caring for Cassian. And then, in SF, when we first see her she is insulting Nesta to Cassian, and then straight to Nesta's face.
Perhaps it is all about feeling like Nesta brings her friends pain. Perhaps it is a fear of how Nesta could change the inner circle. But, we are never given Mor's full reasons, and even other POVs don't really give us anything to go off of. So all we see is Mor hating Nesta.
We see Mor hating a woman who has just gone through some serious trauma. Multiple traumas, really. And she probably disliked Nesta even as a human, though again we didn't really see them interact, only Mor being shocked at Cassian's declaration to Nesta. Which can't help but make you wonder if that played any part, too.
So, in the end, what made me the most hurt by Mor's actions toward Nesta, and words about Nesta, was the fact that Mor seemed to not care at all about what Nesta was actually dealing with, she only cared that Nesta was being a bitch.
Mor - who has faced her own horrific traumas, yet can't see it in herself to give someone else who has faced trauma the benefit of the doubt. Mor - who was so kind to Feyre, and very forgiving of Feyre basically ignoring her that first time she was in the Night Court, understanding Feyre's trauma. Mor was holding Nesta to a double standard. Basically, my hurt and anger toward Mor stemmed from the same anger that went into that original post - anger at a double standard toward a female who is suffering from trauma. Because Mor, one who often seemed posed as a defender of woman, a representation of how one can heal and grow from trauma, but how that trauma will still always affect them, couldn't find it in herself to even understand that Nesta was dealing with her own trauma, and what she needed was healing and help. Not insults and being thrown into the Hewn City.
Is it not maybe understandable how it would actually be harder to forgive Mor for showing such a double standard? For showing such little care or sympathy toward someone who has faced her own trauma? How saying that Mor should be loved because she has gone through so much might be almost hypocritical, considering who Mor is showing hatred toward?
I do understand how Nesta could hit closer to home. She sees Nesta to be as bad as the people she was raised with. But, honestly, that doesn't make it better. It just reminds me that Mor is actually often blind to the truth when she doesn't want to believe it or face it. She runs from it, she fights it, and while she is in her right to do so, it is not okay to do so by hurting another person, another woman who has also been through more trauma than Mor even realizes.
I don't find that anger, or upset (which is really more how I felt about Mor) to be a form of misogyny, at least not on its own. Because my feelings for other characters, my interpretations of their actions, may be wholly different, and it's not that I'm holding Mor to a higher standard. It's that I hold certain issues above others, and to me, holding people to a double standard is at the top of the list on what will annoy me about someone else the most.
2. Who else are we mad at? Is it only Mor? Or are there others we are also mad at, and for what reasons?
We should also consider who else a person is mad at, if not Eris, to see are they really holding Mor/women to a higher standard.
Using myself, again - the person I came out of ACOSF the most mad with/upset about was, hands down, Rhys. Not Mor. In fact, by the end of the book, I'd lightened a lot toward Mor, because I did see how Mor was changing and adjusting. She saw Nesta healing, and her attitude toward Nesta shifted. And, to be perfectly honest, I am SERIOUSLY HOPING we will see them have a heart-to-heart, get to know each other, get to understand each other, apologize to each other (especially Mor for how she's treated Nesta, and the things she said to her when Nesta was literally depressed and dealing with PTSD - cause those things weren't okay) and come out the other side, if not as friends, than at least as two females who respect each other. Because I think we all, including Mor and Nesta, need that. But, despite that, we did at least see Mor be better with Nesta. It showed Mor's openness to possibly accepting a new truth about Nesta, which I was happy to see.
Now, back to who are we mad at. Like I said, even if we're considering the middle of ACOSF, when I was fully upset with Mor, my feelings toward her never got to where they still are with Rhys - I don't care about his gifts, until he proves to me he actually cares even a little bit about Nesta as her own person and not as Feyre's sister, I will struggle with him. So, again, can we argue that my feelings were misogynistic if, in the end, my greatest anger was actually toward a man?
On top of that, my anger toward Rhys is far more aligned to what I was feeling about Mor. Because, again, it was about his treatment of a character dealing with trauma. If anything, my double standard is toward Rhys. I don't think it's a double standard, because my expectations of Rhys were higher considering his previous actions, and how he supposedly cared about all of his people. Not because he was a man, but because of what we see from him vs. Mor, particularly in ACOWAR. And, also, you know - Rhys did other things that made me super mad. Mor never threatened Nesta's life, for example.
Conversely, any anger I've have toward Eris (and, I'll admit, there's still a bit), entirely surrounds what he did/didn't do 500 years ago. I'll go into more detail on why I may offer my forgiveness in the next section, but in regards to the anger - I don't see these aligned. My anger toward Rhys and Mor revolve mostly around double standards they seem to have and a lack of understanding or caring for someone who is clearly struggling with trauma. Something that, personally, I think they should both be on the side of truly understanding, considering their own experiences. Eris, on the other hand, it's an anger for leaving Mor to die. I'm not saying that this is a "better" thing to do, it's just that the two angers don't align. I'm not holding Mor to a higher standard, because I do not see the two as the same. Thus, their paths toward forgiveness may look very different, because I will be looking for different things in each of them.
3. What is the person now doing? Have they earned forgiveness?
I'm not saying Eris has earned forgiveness. I'm not saying Mor hasn't. That is up for all of us to interpret.
That being said, what we've seen from Mor does not include any signs of regret for her actions. We do not see her actively trying to make things better between her and Nesta, to understand Nesta, or that she has any sorrow for what she said to her. At best, we see Mor polite to Nesta, and maybe willing to get to know her better. The absolute best interaction was at Solstice, when Mor asked if she might be able to join. As I mentioned, I am hopeful for these two - in part cause my head canon is that they could actually be amazing friends, but that's for another day - and I really loved seeing Mor willing and interested to join in, despite it being with Nesta (and kinda Nesta's thing), as well as seeing Nesta being willing and interested to have Mor join, even if it's just solely for the priestesses. But, that is one interaction and, again, doesn't actually show any repentance from Mor for her own actions against Nesta.
I know some people will say "you mean just that one 'mean' thing Mor said?" - yes. Though it wasn't just that one time, was it? Because there have been multiple times Mor has shown a true disdain for Nesta, while also showing a true indifference to the fact that Nesta was struggling. The other best example of this was when Cassian was hurt in the war, and Nesta was waiting outside his tent, clearly terrified. Mor, also upset, by many things, took it almost entirely out on Nesta. She was either blind to Nesta's feelings for Cassian (doubtful), or she simply didn't care, and instead snapped at her, all while Nesta was probably terrified and fearing the worst in her mind.
The two never talked about this either. And we don't know if Mor regrets those things she's done and said, or even just feels bad, and we also don't have a full understanding of her reasons, or even if there are valid reasons. Because she doesn't talk about it - or, at least, we haven't see her talk about it. I truly hope we will get some answers to all of this. But, right now, we don't even really get hints - we simply assume she must have a reason, because she's Mor and she's great and so she must have a reason we can understand and accept. Still, we don't know, and we don't see her even be held accountable for those actions - admittedly, an issue with most of the Inner Circle and the lack of them being held accountable for how they've treated certain people.
Eris, on the other hand, while what he did was truly horrific, has admitted that he really regrets his actions - or inactions. And he has stated that he had his reasons - reasons that cost him. So we know that he has, in fact, paid for what he's done, at least to some extent. And, more so than that, his current actions seem, to me, to prove this. His constant attempts to ally with the Night Court, to try and do the right thing. Yes, when we saw him at the High Lord's meeting, he was wrong to say what he did to Mor. But we also cannot hold that at full face value and be mad at him for that one thing without remaining mad at Rhys for all he's done while wearing his High Lord of the Night Court mask. Again, that would be a double standard. We can be annoyed by it, but if we forgive Rhys for playing a part, we must also forgive Eris. (This statement, of course, is based on my interpretation that Eris is good at heart, but has made a number of mistakes and is essentially forced to be awful due to his place in life.)
However, despite that one thing, everything else we see from Eris, seems repentant. It is, of course, my interpretation of Eris. But considering all the things he's done, the little threads we get that show us he's not the awful monster we were told he is. He has been working to earn forgiveness, and is doing the right things now - just still often wearing that Autumn Court mask. And, if we're going to forgive Rhys for all the monstrous things he's done, because he has shown himself to be better than that, then it's okay to at least consider forgiving Eris.
So, why is it wrong to be willing to forgive someone for something that he has shown he is seeking forgiveness for? But to maybe not be forgiving another for something that she has not sought forgiveness for? Can we forgive someone for something if they don't realize what they did was wrong? In my opinion, no. Yes, people say that the only person you ever really need forgiveness from is yourself. And I don't fully disagree - I think we do need to forgive ourselves. But, again, only once we understand what we did, how and why it was wrong, and when we want forgiveness. Then we forgive ourselves, and at the least can hope that our actions show that we understand this truth, and others may forgive us even if we don't ask blatantly. In the end, though, we do need to ask for forgiveness. It's just a matter of whether we are vocalizing that request, or showing it in our actions.
Summary
Again, I'm not saying that there aren't times where this is a true double standard. Where people just love Eris and hate Mor, and maybe even blame Mor for what went down with Eris (and, if they do, I will fight them on that because Mor is blameless in that situation - idgaf if she slept with Cassian, I will not blame her for wanting out of that marriage).
I am also not trying to convince anyone that they should love Eris, or that they should dislike Mor - especially seeing as I don't fully dislike Mor, I'm just waiting for the best Mor to come back.
I'm only saying that we really can't make assumptions and say that loving Eris and hating Mor automatically means misogyny. Some things hit closer to home than others - as I mentioned as a possible reason why Nesta is such a struggle for Mor. It could very well be solely about what it is they do and don't forgive each person for. And, personally, I think finding out if a person who is angry with Mor was also angry with Rhys during ACOSF is a much better gauge than comparing Mor and Eris.
I don't believe that Mor owes anyone any explanations. Clearly, my own feelings around Mor have really not revolved around what she may or may not be hiding about Eris. Of course I want to know, I'm a nosy reader. But, if she's hiding something for her friends about that, she has her reasons and I'll accept them so long as they don't end up being, like "well, I just wanted you all to hate Eris forever". But, typically, Mor's reasons have to do with her own trauma and fears, and I accept that. It may, at times, be self-centered - but sometimes don't we all need to be a bit self-centered?
However, I think that we need to truly compare the anger, compare the reasons, to understand why some might like one character and dislike another. It is not feminist to automatically support a woman if she is in the wrong. It is not misogynistic to forgive a man and not a woman for two entirely different situations and reasons. We have to remember that feminism is supporting gender equality in every way - workplace, personal lives, laws, etc. Feminism is not supporting female superiority, which is exactly what happens when you compare two people for things that are not comparable, and then state that you must be more forgiving of the female.
After Thoughts on Mor
I am truly hopeful that we will see Mor and Nesta's relationship grow. And I would like to see more of the Mor we met in ACOMAF, tbh. I have felt, as has been observed by others, that Mor's character and journey has been incredibly chaotic and inconsistent. She was the bomb.com in ACOMAF with how she was with Feyre. Then, in ACOWAR, she was a bit moody, she was mean and harsh toward Nesta (and still has explaining to do on some of this and the Cassian stuff), and she just wasn't really who we met in ACOMAF. I don't really remember much about ACOFAS. But, in ACOSF, again, Mor was different. Except, instead of being just moody and harsh toward Nesta when pushed, now she's completely unforgiving and dismissive of Nesta. And, honestly, that wasn't the Mor I was expecting. I would have expected Mor to be one of the first to maybe realize that Nesta was dealing with trauma. I guess that expectation shouldn't have been held considering ACOWAR, but it was different. I still thought Mor might understand, to an extent - might be at least willing to help Nesta heal, or want to see her healed. Instead, we got someone who said Nesta should just be thrown into the Hewn City - to Cassian's face. So, on top of not giving a damn about Nesta at all (the female that saved Cassian's life, full stop), she also didn't show much caring or understanding of Cassian, one of her best friends. Not until after she saw what a comment like that did to him. And yes, Mor may be just dealing with her own trauma, I understand that. It's why I still have a hard time saying I was truly angry with Mor, but more hurt by/upset with her in ACOSF. Because it may be something deeper that caused her to be this way. Or just her own preoccupation with what's going on in her life. But, in the end, it was still targeted at one person, the one person who probably could handle it the least.
That's my long winded way of saying that I have a lot of hope for Mor's character in the future, and that I don't actually hate her. I just hope that we get to understand her better, understand the reasons she's had for what she's done, but I also hope we see her held accountable (and the rest of the IC).
As always, this is just my own personal opinion, and I accept that others' opinions may be different. I promise to respect yours, all I ask is that you respect mine. I'm not opposed to dissenting arguments, just asking for no attacks. :)
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You see in theory I see why people like the three brothers for the three sisters theory, but I feel as if SJM is not going to put the three brothers with the three sisters. I feel like the reason why she brought this up in Azriel’s bonus chapter was to show Azriel’s thought process and the reason why he started to like/ have interest in Elain.
You see a lot of people interrupt this as the fact that the cauldron did make a mistake, that some how the cauldron falsely mated Elain to Lucien, but I feel like it’s more eluding to the fact that Azriel thinks Elain is made for him, because Rhys is with Feyre and Cassian is with Nesta.
In his mind it makes no sense that his mate wouldn’t be already apart of his families lives, the two people that Azriel has spent/ dedicated his life to. To me Azriel sees Elain the same way he saw Mor. He puts Elain on the same pedastal he put Mor on, where his vision of who Elain is vs who she really is differs tremendously.
Azriel may care for Mor, he may do everything in his power to protect Mor, but he didn’t respect Mor enough to realize that she wasn’t into him. Cassian shouldn’t have had to play buffer between these two for centuries because Mor has made it clear through action that her and Azriel will never be a thing. He treats her like she also can’t stand up for herself which we all know that she can.
I feel the same way when it comes to him and Elain. I feel as if he has an idealized version of Elain in his mind to the point where it makes sense to him that Elain would be his, because it wouldn’t make sense if she wasn’t. Sometimes a person can be everything we’re looking for on paper, but in some cases it doesn’t work out. Sometimes it’s not about being with the person that we want or desire, but with the person that we need in order to grow and change and to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The thing about Elain and Azriel is like I said, would Azriel still have liked or had interest in Elain if he had met her before Rhys met Feyre or Cassian met Nesta. Would he still have an interest? Would he have cared for Elain as a person? And I know we could ask the same for the other two, but overall my point is, does Azriel like Elain, because she’s Elain and he admires and accepts everything about her or does he like Elain, because he feels as if they are destined to be together, that fate had tossed them a cruel hand and had made a mistake?
Because while I want to believe that Azriel really does want to be with Elain, because he accepts everything she is and loves the person she’s becoming, there’s also a part of me that thinks this is not the case and that’s mostly due to one part in ACOSF where they are talking about the trove and Elain had previously volunteered to go after it. Elain has expressed interest in becoming more involved in the court, but the first thing Azriel says about it is that Elain shouldn’t be exposed to the darkness of the trove therefore disregarding her choice and what she wishes to do.
Azriel sees Elain as someone who needs protecting and as far as I can see I think Elain wants to learn how to protect herself and become her own person, which won’t happen if everyone thinks she should remain on the sidelines, because they see her as vulnerable. Which Azriel does see her as. (And before people argue that Feyre and Nesta do the same thing, it’s different when it’s your sisters being concerned for your safety versuses someone you’ve barely met a year or two ago, it doesn’t mean that Feyre and Nesta shouldn’t listen to what Elain wants, it just means it’s more common for family to do that because they believe they’re acting in your best interest)
This scene also brings me back to a scene in ACOWAR where Elain is telling Lucien that no one really sees her, at least not really. I feel like when it comes to Elain, her being with Lucien makes a lot more sense, because I feel like SJM does have a point that they could help each other grow as individuals, they also have a lot more plots that could make sense with Elain as a character to be in.
so while I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m wrong and the theory turns out to be wrong, I also won’t be surprised if SJM sticks to her intial pairing and makes Elucien endgame. I also won’t be surprised if Gwynriel is endgame, because while I still think there should be more time before that happens, I do see how Gwyn’s personality matches better with Azriel as a whole. but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see (this may also be a slight plea for SJM to at least drop who the next book is going to be about so the ship wars can at least stop. Although her drawing it out makes me think that the next book is going to be Elucien because she knows her fanbase prefers Elriel over Elucien even if she doesn’t.)
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Can I ask why you like elain and lucien together? I know you said about no ship bashing and I’m not, I would just like to know why you have kept them together? Because you have found others for azriel and mor. Love your work so I’m looking forward to reading how you see elain and lucien!!
Thank you for the kind words!!!
To answer your question: I think Elain and Lucien is endgame, it’s as simple as that :)
Mates are equals- that is something we’ve heard again and again.
Elain neglected Feyre for years. She wasn’t outright hostile like Nesta was, but she still allowed her little sister to go out into the woods alone and hunt for their own survival. Elain tried to be a voice of reason in the house, but the nicest thing Feyre says about her in that first book is that she is just ignorant instead of being a bitch. In WAR she’s going through her own shit, yes, but she still does less than Nesta to make up for how she treated her little sister all those years. She never acknowledges it (unlike Nesta, who starts to in the library) and never really addresses it.
Lucien is almost a photo copy of that with Tamlin in books 1 & 2 (sub out Nesta for Tamlin). He acts as a buffer between Tam and Feyre in MAF, and even when he disagrees with how Feyre is being treated, he only shows mild disapproval. Lucien doesn’t protect Feyre, and in WAR he begins to realize it and make amends- but unless I’m forgetting something (totally possible, it’s early) he never outright acknowledges his role in enabling Tamlin’s abuse.
Elain and Lucien are equal in their sins against Feyre (though, it’s worse for Elain because she did it far longer and is her older sister). Together they have a lot to make up for, and while both have done heroic deeds on Feyre’s behalf (killing Hybern and bringing an army), they haven’t acknowledged their fuckups on a clearer level.
Also, Lucien will be High Lord of Day, and that sounds like the kind of Court Elain would think was paradise. I just don’t think Maas would set that up if she had no intention if it paying off. Elain is equal to Lucien in their neglect of Feyre (actually she’s a little ahead of the pack in terms of how much she neglected her), and their perfect court is the same kind of place.
In a totally different direction- if every Archeron sister ended up with an Illyrian, it would feel too… …. …. ‘simple’ and ‘symmetrical’ aren’t the right words, but you catch my drift. From a storytelling angle I don’t support Elriel because Nesta and Feyre clearly already have an Illyrian, so I don’t want Elain to complete the set.
Finally, I really want Azriel to have his own mate. I get the argument that he’d want someone to choose him, but even so- after all the bullshit he’s been through in life he deserves that deeper-than-soul connection.
**Every time I’ve tried to explain why I ship Elucien, someone pops up and says some version of “You don’t care what Elain wants” as though she’s given any indication in the book. Let me say it quite simply: Elain has hardly been in the books compared to Lucien or Azriel, so frankly I don’t spend a lot of time caring about her vs the other two. Now, I don’t want her forced into some kind of relationship obviously, but I think of things more in terms of how i’d like for them to work out for Lucien and Azriel. I do think whatever Elain’s choice is, the other male would respect that decision.
Oh, and another reason I ship Elucien: Maas already said it’s happening.
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🍰💻😈
🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).
Nesta vs the Buffer! by @theladyofbloodshed!!! I read this fic LONG before I ever joined Acotar tumblr. Something about Nesta's emotional arc feels so real and raw and it made me cry?!!?!? Anyway haha i am a mega simp for this story.
💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
I have a miro board, several plot documents and outlines for Blood in the Wine. I actually wrote it in its entirety of 2022, set it aside, reoutlined it and then started writing it AGAIN. I did a lot of research on fairy tales and myths for that story. Did a lot of rereads of specific stories and had to research a LOT about how monarchies are structured. Did I need to do all that research? No. Am I glad I did? Yes.
😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?
I keep organizing writing things instead of actually writing!!!! LMAO. I don't think my readers actually hate it, but I use organizational work to avoid writing things that intimidate me. oops.
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