#namin lockscreens

[aestherin]

Ate ri i have a tea👀, so like yesterday when i was putting my phone in a box(needed daw para di gamitin during lessons) my prof saw me and my crush's photo as my lockscreen😭, and i feel like baka sinabi na sa prof ni crush😧 worried nako💔 baka papuntahin sa room namin

Yun lang💔(di ako marunong mag explain bear with me😭)

HALA HSHXHSH HINDI YAN TIWALA LANG 🙏

#ri.replies #w/ ayrie #w/ 🌌 anon

[detnu-a-h]

get to know the mun!

what’s your phone wallpaper: A collage of a fanfic I'm currently developing. Lockscreen is a commission I ordered of lovely Black Ba.ttler!

last song you listened to: currently listening to Solo by Carly Rae Jepsen

currently reading: I do not read at all, sadly.

craving: All of the interactions and development I can with Atom, a bit of more confidence in myself, to fulfill the goals I set for myself this year, to release a book omfg when will I finish and release a damn book.

what are you wearing right now: a pastel purple Mickey and Minney pajama.

how tall are you?: 5'2", or apparently 5'1" I have no idea.

piercings/tattoos ?: The regular ear piercings that are probably closing up at this point.

glasses? contacts?: blue-filter glasses.

last thing you ate?: rice, beans, veggies, and fries.

favorite color(s): pink!

current obsession: dancing, writing, The Quarry, and Call of Duty.

any pets: No pets!

do you have a crush right now?: No crushes, sadly.

favorite fictional character: SO MANY,... Black Ba.ttler (from Umi.neko), Lee Mei.jiu (from Rose Guns Days), Rai.den (from Me.tal Ge.ar), Light.ning (from FFXIII trilogy), Em.et-Selch (from FFXIV), Alex (from reboot MW), E3N "Ethan" (from Infinite Warfare), Travis Hackett and Emma Mountebank (from The Qua.rry), Ritsu Namine (UTAU) to name a few. I left out a lot that I adore, but you get the idea.

last place you traveled: Mayagüez.

tagged by: @cartaxus (this was so fun! Thank you so much!) tagging: @cosmicacy @pleinsdemuses @hrrorstrie @idolkills and anyone else who sees this! Do it and tag me!

#[ out of cells ] (ooc) #I almost put Atom on favorite characters and then remembered lmao #so many I left behind in that list nooo I have so many favorite fictional characters send help

[y2kf]

pake ko?

pake namin?

pake ng lahat?

pake ng mundo?

pake ng mga delulu?

pake ng mga anime fans?

pake ng mga swiftie?

pake ng mga army?

pake ng mga engene?

pake ng mga blink?

pake ng mga stay?

pake ng mga moa?

pake ng mga midzys?

pake ng mga nswer?

pake ng mga nevies?

pake ng mga bunnies?

pake ng mga fearnot?

pake ng mga once?

pake ng mga mys?

pake ng galaxy?

pake ng universe?

pake ng lahat ng nabubuhay?

pake ng mga tao sa planetang earth?

pake ng mga aliens?

pake ng mga astronaut?hi pwede bang i-only me mo iyang opinyon mo hindi kase nakakatulong sa pag-angat ng ekonomiya like? maglalapag ka ng opinyon mo wala namang kuwenta so diba? my gosh ha! stop it hindi kase nakakatuwa. Ang mga ganiyang opinyon ay dapat sinasarili hindi nilalabas sa public. At saka isa pa where did you get the audacity to lapag-lapag your opinion? my gosh sis ha! nakaka-bother na kasi yung mga opinyon mong wala namang kuwenta diba?? ilalapag mo pa yang opinyon mo eh wala ngang um-agree riyan omg stop na ha. Kung ang pagbibigay mo ng opinyon is for clout lang please stop it hindi nakaka-funny"SHE'S BETTER THAN YO-"

talaga ba? edi sana pina billboard, powerpoint, tattoo, dineclimate, pinoster, inislogan, lapida, pinaprint, pina xerox, chismis, pinabaranggay, pinapulis, pinarally, pinabroadcast, newscast, magazine, tarpaulin, lettering, calligraphy, winallpaper, lockscreen, homescreen, cover photo prinofile mo yang mga pinagsasabi motalaga ba? edi sana pina billboard, powerpoint, tattoo, dineclimate, pinoster, inislogan, lapida, pinaprint, pina xerox, chismis, pinabaranggay, pinapulis, pinarally, pinabroadcast, newscast, magazine, tarpaulin, lettering, calligraphy, winallpaper, lockscreen, homescreen, cover photo, prinofile mo, screeninshot, screen record, voicemail, nametag, share it, Bluetooth mo yang mga pinagsasabi mo na mas better sya sakin.hi pwede bang i-only me mo iyang opinyon mo hindi kase nakakatulong sa pag-angat ng ekonomiya like? maglalapag ka ng opinyon mo wala namang kuwenta so dib

#heres the message i last posted #credits to my bbg sia 💋

[btspackexo]

Bts wallpapers / lockscreens

Like or credit on namjotario

#bts wallpapers #bts lockscreens #jikook lockscreens #vkook lockscreens #namkook lockscreens #vmin lockscreens #taegi lockscreens #yoontae lockscreens #hopekook lockscreens #namin lockscreens #vhope lockscreens #kpop lockscreens #bangtan edits #taegi #hopekook #namkook #vmin #minjoon #jikook #bts #bangtan #jeon #3 kim #kim #jung #min #park

[amanyaika01]

🧁🥧🍴💕💕

#kingdom hearts #girls #kairi #xion #namine #kh #kh3 #kh3remind #cooking #baking #lockscreen

[kotabombastic]

Naminé and Xion lockscreens

~Feel free to use~

#kingdom hearts #kingodm hearts 3 #kh #xion #namine #square enix #lockscreen #aesthetic #manga #mood board

[xviicprc]

color asks - jade, porcelain, and amber!

Jade: Ever written fanfiction?

...Yes.

.......

Around 2013 I wrote a Kingdom Hearts one that was a sort of AU for KH3 that was basically “I want to see these characters do this, this and that”. All I wrote down was Vanitas, Namine and Repliku vibin in a Data Daybreak Town before leaving in a Dark Corridor. Of course I didn’t even complete one chapter and never shared it.

Now I have written FGO fanfiction, I’m not good at it but hey! It’s fun and self indulgent!

Porcelain: any tv shows you used to love?

Dunno if it counts, but, for me its RWBY, egh. 

Just thinking of how much potential they had/ how many things they are doing wrong/ how stupid the characters become for the sake of the plot/how horrible the character designs are now/ how it’s just a mesh of anime tropes executed in the most boring way possible/ etc, makes me pissed. 

I used to listen to the songs while running back when it was good, I loved the fighting scenes Monty designed and use them as reference if I want to draw fight scenes, I really liked the concept of the series and such.

Amber: What’s saved as your phonescreen?

Kuhahaha, my cathalyst for summoning Avenger class Servant Edmond Dantes from popular gacha game Fate/ Grand Order

Yes i used my art as a lockscreen

#ask #silvemis-01

[lightlorn]

Ship bias for your KH Muses! :D

i am a flawed human being. ll accepting.

Aqua:

Terraqua. This ship is part of the reason I kept crying so hard in KH3, now catch me admitting that on the internet. I love the way they are there for each other in spite of their stark differences, and that they have a lot of unexplored, threadable area in both their coming of age and post-KH3 timelines. Plus any ship I can draw a parallel between my fandom otp and another ship is a good ship.

Xemqua. Nomura was setting something up here and he dropped the ball and I will not take that lying down. You’re telling me they don’t even so much as look at each other during the DLC? Dishonorable, Nomura, truly despicable. There’s so much to work with there, what with the armor and the way you can read a lot of Xemnas’ closest allies in the Org being answers to Terra’s inner circle. If Nomura won’t give me their story, then I’ll write it with a partner.

Aqua/Larxene. There’s basically no other adult women in this series and I am a simple dyke seeking the wlw. I think it would make a fantastic opposites attract cliche with the added bonus of someone that won’t take Larxene’s attitude lying down while simultaneously being able to match her step for step. The Taming of the Nymph, coming soon to an AU near you.

Eraqus:

Xehaqus. This is my end all, be all OTP for the fandom. I have spent almost 100 dollars overall at cons commissioning art of these idiots. They are my phone background and lockscreen. I have an entire fic in my head of their apprentice days and frankly if Dark Road does not live up to the relationship development I have hyped up in my head I will go canon divergent. These fuckers are beautiful and heartbreaking and awful and wonderful and I love them. Bring me all the Xehaqus.

That’s it. I’m so disappointing. I have like one or two OC for him ships and I mean whatever happens in RP happens if relationships develop but oh my God. Xehaqus consumes me.

Invi:

Real talk my Invi is a lesbian and my take on the Foretellers is that she sees them all as her siblings underneath all of her posturing that it’s nothing personal, so I don’t even know what the fandom ships for her are. I’m not even sure who is available to ship with her. Throw whatever of age lady muses you have at her, mutuals, and let’s see where this goes.

Isa:

Isalea. Akusai is also good, but there’s something about their life together after the war ends when they are trying to rebuild and find everything they lost that speaks to my soul. I would never say that if I see an Axel/Lea it’s ‘on sight’ shipping because that’s shitty, but I will say I am that Saix/Isa that is always down to discuss your take on their dynamic and see what we can cobble together.

Xemsai. This will never be a healthy ship, I think, based on the fact my Saix is as likely to use his alleged loyalty and affection to try and get some form of control over his Superior, but there’s a lot that could be fleshed out here. Whatever heart he grows will always belong to his oldest friend, but he will do whatever it takes to see his ambitions fulfilled. He’s trying to use the creature that has used him for over a decade. God. The potential.

Xigsai. By the same card as above, I think if Saix clued into Xigbar being more than simply a bombastic menace, he could try and pull the same using sex and false loyalty to obfuscate his true means on Xigbar. The difference being that Xigbar is, at heart, far more deadly and aware than Xemnas is when it comes to the bigger picture. It’d be Saix putting himself in the mouth of the beast willingly, and not expecting how deeply those teeth can cut when they snap shut on him.

Roxas:

Full disclaimer: I am 25 years old and fleshing out the romantic drama of a teenage boy is not something that super interests me. That said, I do like the concept of Roxas and his brand new heart forming all kinds of bonds, and him eventually starting to register feelings beyond the platonic for certain people. So as far as character development goes, i can see him taking interest in the following:

Hayner. There’s something so coming of age adolescent aggression as a front for latent or closeted affection about them in the simulation, and in the real world they have endless potential. I think Roxas could definitely feel safe enough around Hayner to have something more develop feelings wise. Also Hayner has muscles and that makes Roxas 404 error sometimes regardless of shipping, just as a general Roxas thing.

Xion. It’s a cliche, to be sure, but depending on the Xion and their development, I can see Roxas starting to feel more at home in her presence after they’ve had time to heal and become their own people. This isn’t an on sight shipping thing, and in fact I am super selective about this even while shipping it, but there’s groundwork for a good dynamic and a sort of reunion between them as whole people who come to appreciate each other as more than their initial, shallow idea of friends.

Namine. Was not super hip on this as a kid, especially when I was less discriminating in my Xion tastes, but as an adult I can appreciate their bond. They have a lot of the same trauma in terms of being dehumanized and used by two separate factions in setting, and the two take a lot of risks for one another within the data Twilight Town. I think there’s something to be said for them both to have irrevocable individuality and come together and develop as more than friends over the years.

Riku. Is it trashy? Yes. Is Roxas still tied to Sora somehow? Yes. Would it be hilarious to see Roxas turn a would-be rivalry into accidental flirtation because he’s confused about his feelings? Yes. Riku just standing there suffering while Roxas demands they engage in a passionate battle of lips -- WITS. I don’t even know how serious I am in shipping this, but Riku being Roxas’ emotional training wheels amuses me.

Aaaaand you can’t really have biases for an OC because at that point anything with plot potential, chemistry, and aligning sexualities goes so instead I am just going to shout out Kokoro’s established ships + the muns for being so good to my little mary sue.

Xemkoro/Foxhole. I don’t know how me dipping my toe in the water of shipping with Lucky by saying ‘hey my OC and your Xem could have a cool dynamic’ became like... my entire shipping brand, but here we are. Their entire dynamic breaks me, the way Xemnas is clinging to a past that he wants so badly to have been a part of while Kokoro can’t afford to look back anymore, working too hard to meet future goals is... Everything. Especially in the fact she regards him as a person without hesitation or knowing how much that will come to mean to him. There’s so many layers to them, and they truly work to earn their happy ending, and that is everything to me. Here’s to successful risks and their payoff.

Aquoro.  Everything my gay little heart ever wanted: the dichotomy of childhood romantic friendship giving way to adolescent rivalry and a shell of what your relationship used to be that appears so often between girls. That they also represent the Responsible Daughter and Rebel Daughter in Kokoro’s secondary verse, furthering the gulf between them as Aqua continues to follow the Master’s teachings where Kokoro embraces her own ideas about what Eraqus preached is... Chef’s Kiss... And through it all, it’s still Aqua that Kokoro wants to find the most, the one for whom her heart breaks the hardest when she sees what became of her. I owe Lucky my life for giving me this phenomenal wlw content.

Koterra. Kleffy does spoil me. The difference between what Terra dreamed of as a boy and what their reality became, where she is instead his knight and protector while he calls the shots as part of reclaiming his identity is perfect. The way they grow from teenage misunderstandings and dick moves into adults that have a touch more kindness for one another is also good, because it’s all about the character development. Their bond is strong and their support for one another immeasurable. I am heterosexual for one (1) ship. All because Kleffy came up with it on the spot and then put in the effort to make it work, God bless em.

#shipbias; #kcystotheheart

[tangian]

Hiniram ni Neil yung phone ko dahil pinakita ko sa kanya yung finabricate namin nung isang araw. Tapos nung naguusap kami ni _______ e bigla kaming pinicturan sa phone ko (stolen yan)😂 tapos randomly e binalik nya agad phone ko tapos ang epic pa e ginawa ni Neil na Lockscreen pala yung cropped picture ko tapos hindi ko namalayan e ginawa nyang wallpaper ang cropped picture ni _______ 😂😂. Hindi ko maexplain yung tawa namin kanina pati reaction ko dito HAHHAA

#diary #oof #baka maging mechanical engineer #friends #:)

[kimorgoon]

Tags

Members

Kim Namjoon Kim Seokjin  Min Yoongi Jung Hoseok Park Jimin Kim Taehyung Jeon Jungkook

Ships

2seok Hopemon Jihope Jikook Jinkook Jinmin Junghope Namgi Namjin Namkook Namin Taegi Taejin Vhope Vkook Vmin Vmon Yoonjin Yoonkook Yoonmin Yoonseok

Others

Fanarts Spicy Lockscreen My Fancams

[excerptofmythoughts]

story time

nabanggit ko na 'to dati sa blog ko na marami akong gamit na mga naiwan ko pero nabalik naman na. dalawang beses ko na kasi naiwan 'yung phone ko hehe. hindi ko pa sure kung ano 'yung rason, ganon lang ba talaga ako ka-tanga, sobrang makakalimutan kasi talaga ako, o dahil hindi talaga kasi ako pala gamit ng phone ko as in. pero madalas naman sa room lang. una naiwan sa upuan ko kasama ng pamaypay ko. tas yung pangalawa naka-charge naman siya hahahahahaha. ang nakakatawa kasi nung naiwan ko 'to nung naka-charge bago ko maalala na naiwan ko, nakapag lunch na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. putcha enjoy pa ko sa pagkain ng wings non eh. tas nung pagbalik ng school nakatambay lang kami naisip ko maglaro tas duon ko lang naisip na naiwan ko na pala 'yung phone ko. kaya ngayon inaasar ako ng mga kaibigan ko, kasi dati schedule lang 'yung lockscreen ko. ngayon inedit ko kasama na 'yung full name at block ko. may printed pa ako na picture sa likod ng phone ko na naiipit ng case nuong grad pic. pero siyempre bago tayo dumating sa point na phone naiiwan ko, naiwan ko muna 'yung binder ko. isang linggo rin kamo bago ko makuha 'yon pabalik. gago nga, may ballpen kaya 'yon nung naiwan ko hahahahaha. may wrp (p.e) kasi ako nuon, eh kupal ang sistema ng wrp namin ineenroll pa namin tas pag di naattendan -1.5 tas pag late .75 yung hours na nakalagay sa record. eh may kailangan kami buoin na oras which is dapat 36 hours.

all in all, medyo natuto naman ako. kada aalis na ko chinecheck ko na 'yung mga gamit ko. as in. wala na 'ko nakakalimutan. sa ngayon hahahahahaha. kaya ikaw, alam mo na. wag kang tutulad saakin. ang stressful. nakakaloka.

[parakayeja]

Thursday, September 3 Day 6

Good morning d! as usual chinecheck ko agad Viber mo first thing in the morning dun ako nag babase kung gising kanaba or hindi and mukhang hindi pa Hahaha 😂 tulog kalang jan d kuu.

Wala naman masyado ganap sa work ngayon d other than nag meeting kami with GSMI DBI ang ganda dun d sa Negros Occidental yun tas malapit sa dagat yung planta, sad nga lang hindi na ako makakapunta dun Hahaha tas nga pala official na official na punta ko sa September 14 d pirmado na yung memo whoo! wish me luck!

Kwento ko lang din nung lunch. Ayun na nga nung lunch syempre kasabay namin mga SMFI kumain tas kwento kwentuhan hanggang yung topic nila mapunta sa aso Hahahaha 😂 potekkkk kakasad Huhuhuhuhu I really miss you, our corgiiii 🥺 buti nalang di nila na mention yung corgi kundi mas masasad ako lalo Hahaha hayyyssss sana matapos na to sana September 29 naaaaaa and you sent me 4 dots na expect ko naman na, may trust naman ako sayo d kaya no need to worry.

Tas pala d nung after lunch edi nag wowork ako di ba tas nag notify yung fb tas tinignan ko lang sa lockscreen kung ano yun di ba may parang preview naman don kung ano yun tas nakita ko Rosed Asuncion added you nagising ako bigla Hahaha sabi ko what?! how?! alam na siguro nya Hahaha tas kinakabahan akooo pero parang cinancel nya rin ata d pag kaclick ko kasi dun wala na yung friend request sabi ko whoa!! buti nalang Hahaha 😂 pero oks lang naman gustong gusto ko na nga makilala si mama mo dddd. Hopefully soooon.

Kaw ba d how's your day? pagod ba ang d? gustong gusto ko talaga marinig boses at makinig sa mga kwento mo d, basta ingat ka lagi ah wag mo papabayaan sarili mo at kumain ka neee po tiis tiis lang tayo ngayonnnn. Miss you murrriiitt.

[sobrang-ganda-ko]

40-55 :)

40. favourite memory-When our family, both sides, finally meets! :))41. relationship status-in a relationship 42. favourite book(s)-Everyday, to all the boys i’ve loved before, etc. 43. favourite song ever-Can i have this dance44. age you get mistaken for-15 dahil ng height ko lol cute size lang puu :--(45. how you found out about your idol-Pass46. what my last text message says-”Nasan kayo?”47. turn ons-Gentleman-Mabango-Sakay sa lahat ng trip-Kalog-Hindi maarte48. turn offs-Sinungaling-Backstabber49. where i want to be right now-Beside my grandma :--(50. favourite picture of your idol-Yung nasa lockscreen ko :’)51. starsign-Stalight. Charr! hahahaha 52. something i’m talented at-Talent ba yung sleeping? Charr! hahaha Singing siguro :--)53. 5 things that make me happy-Food-Food-Food-Food-Food54. something thats worrying me at the moment-Quiz namin sa consti sa Wed :--(55. tumblr friends-Kilala nila kung sino sila hahahaPS. Thankyou, Jen! Goodeve! :*

[callmeyce]

Naaalala mo pa ba

Naaalala mo pa ba yung mga panahong tinatabihan at kinukulit mo ako para lang makuha mo atensyon ko tapos parang kang body guard na sunod ng sunod sakin kahit brraktime Naaalala mo pa ba yung panahong naghaharutan tayo tapos nasugatan kita sa pointer finger mo at sinabi mong "pipicturan ko 'to dahil ito yung unang pananakit mo sakin" sabay tawa ng malakas Naaalala mo pa ba yung unang beses na maghihiwalay tayo ng matagal kasi pupunta kayong Batangas tapos nalulungkot ka rin kasi dapat kasama ako dun Naaalala mo pa ba yung mga panahong kinikilig ka sa tuwing nag iiwan ako ng note sa cellphone mo na lumalabas sa lockscreen mo Naaalala mo pa ba nung tinanong mo ako kung pwede na ba maging tayo out of nowhere tapos ang awkward pa ng posisyon natin at sinabi kong "wait lang naduduling na ako makipagtitigan sayo" Naaalala mo pa ba yung mga panahong hahawakan mo yung kamay ko sa tuwing nanghihina ka na at kailangan mo ng lakas Naaalala mo pa ba yung panahong sinabi mo sakin na hindi siya o ibang babae ang nakikita mo kundi ako lang, ako lang talaga Naaalala mo pa ba yung tinalon mo yung bakal na harang sa mcdo habang tumatakbo at umuulan para lang mahabol mo ako Naaalala mo pa ba yung panahong byumahe ka ng 2AM at sinundo mo ako sa Taft at naghintay ka sa condo namin ng 4hrs dahil late na kami nakarating galing shooting tapos sumakay tayo sa LRT may araw na Naaalala mo pa ba yung gabi gabi bibili tayo ng milktea tapos magggrocery sa Nori at magmumovie marathon tayo magdamag Naaalala mo pa ba nung sobrang taas nung lagnat mo na umabot ng isang linggo tapos hindi ako natulog dahil kada-isang oras ako ang hinahanap mo at sasabihin mo "baby dito ka lang, baby wag mo ako iwan, baby wag ka na pumasok sino na mag aalaga sakin" Naaalala mo ba na sa tuwing nalalasing ka ako rin hinahanap mo tapos magpapasama ka pa sakin sa tuwing magigising ka Naaalala mo pa ba yung panahong sinabi mong hindi ka na uulit at gusto mo na ako maging asawa Naaalala mo pa ba yung nag away tayo sa resort tapos hinimatay ka habang nagsosorry ka sakin Naaalala mo pa ba yung pag matutulog na tayo tatapikin mo ako kasi gusto mo yakapin kita tapos aasarin kita kunwari diko gets kaya kukulitin mo ako para yakapin ka Naaalala mo pa ba yung panahon na naghiwalay tayo tapos hinawakan mo kamay ko Naaalala mo rin ba nung sinabi mong "iba na pakiramdam ko ngayon mas magiging okay na tayo, iba na" Naaalala mo nung sinurprise mo ako at pinapili mo ako biglaan ng pendant na gusto ko Naaalala mo pa ba? Kasi ako naaalala ko lahat. Lahat lahat. Miss na miss na kita di lang ako nagsasalita. Miss na kita.

#personal

[borderlinegenius-blog1]

The Truth Behind My Tears

I’m writing this post so people could know and UNDERSTAND what’s been going on in my life recently. I’ve been judged to hell these past few months and I just thought it would be good to tell the real story so people can judge PROPERLY. What happened to the girl who used to be so good? How come she has broken down and turned to this wild, uncomfortable person? After nito, I would accept anything you’d say. See me wrong, see me right, at least you’d know the truth. Medyo mahaba ito so yung mga tao lang na interisado and babasa nito. I’m a smart girl – or so people would label me. I was innocent. Till I met HIM - the one person who turned my whole life upside down and not in the right kind of way. I was a transferee student from MSU to NDMU. My classmates – including him – knew I was the Valedictorian of NDSCT coz most of them are from Tacurong. That’s when he came into my life. Palagi syang lumalapit sakin. And when I say palagi, sobrang PALAGI. I was a socially awkward person, so I just answer and entertain anyone who talked to me and approached me. He kept on coming to me, telling me about his crushes, his girlfriend, and every topic you can think of – mga bagay na wala naman akong pakialam. At first I didn’t understand why this guy kept on coming and talking to me, but I thought maybe he’s just like that. Kasi nakita ko naman sa ugali nya na he’s so social and talkative. Palaging nagrerecite sa class kahit mali-mali naman ang sinasabi. JOKE. Naging medyo close kami dahil dun. One time before our English class, lumapit sya sakin para lang ibulong, “Ipakita natin sa mga Engineering students na mas magaling tayo.” (A memory that he’d rather not remember kasi napoprove lang kung gaano sya ka-FC sakin haha) We got closer in our PE subject. Why? Coz fate had it that every grouping for every activity had as grouped together. Like as in. Maka-amaze kasi sa tatllong activity namin, dalawang folkdance saka isang ballroom, magkasama kami sa iisang grupo, and guess what? Kami palagi ang panalo. He always wants to win – he’s that kind of guy - and one time in our folkdance class contest, nagkagrupo kami, and he saw na walang magaling sa amin. Dun ko first nakita kung gano sya kasama. Kasi sabi nya, “Mga walang kwenta man itong mga kagrupo ko man,” sabi nya sa isang classmate namin. He was so frustrated, and I was so pissed at him. Hindi nya alam na I was capable. I was capable of leading our group and make us win. Duh. Sanay na ako sa ganyan uy. Nanalo kami, (syempre) kahit simple lang yung dance na tinuro ko, and he high-fived me. I wanted to say, “What did you say about us being no good again?” pero inunahan nya akong sabihan na “You never cease to amaze me.” That made me happy and proud. In one of our activities, the ballroom dancing something, we got partnered together. He was the one who came to me, mind you. That’s just probably because si lalai na the best, partner na si  Tantan na the best din. So he settled for me. Not the best, but not bad either. He’s like that. He chooses what he sees is good. He doesn’t settle for “okay”. So we got partnered. And you know how ballroom dancing goes. (Ang lalandi ng moves.) That got us even closer to each other. May mga steps kasi na napaka-intimate, and one moment he would ask me, “oh bat ka nakasmile?” Di nya alam I was smiling coz I’ve never done those kinds of things in my whole life. Yes. Malandi talaga sya. May girlfriend sya ha. Wag ka. May mga time pa sa practice na kahit patapos nanaman yung isang step, magkahawak parin yung kamay namin. I would look at it, and pull away. Kasi uncomfortable masyado. Minsan naka-hug pa yung steps, and sometimes I find myself face to face with him. And I could feel that something was growing inside me. Nadadala na ako. We won that contest too.All of a sudden, I found him always walking beside me whenever naglalakad ang barakada. Admittedly, I was starting to feel something more than friendship towards him those days. But I wasn’t sure so I just let things happen as they were. Hinayaan ko na lang na mangyari ang mga nangyayari. One time sa Analytical Chemistry namin na class, nagsabi sya na wala na daw sila nung girlfriend nya. Sabi pa nya sakin, “Gusto kong makalimot.” And I didn’t know what to say kasi wala talaga akong kaalam alam sa mga bagay na ganun, and I said the most stupid thing I ever said in my whole life, “Ligawan mo si Pal,” kasi kasama namin that time si Pal. (And bobo ko….) to those who do not know, lalaki si pal. Lalaking-lalaki. Then there came Den’s birthday. We had a VERY LONG RIDE, pabalik ng Marbel galling Kapingkong, riding in Den’s pickup truck kasi inihatid kami pauwi, and we were both at the back of the truck together with  other friends. It was cold outside, but I couldn’t get inside coz I was carsick. I didn’t wanna vomit in front of all of them. So I stayed outside and curled up in the cold. Since he and I were supposedly “close” and was sitting next to each other at that time, he went closer and hugged me. ALL THROUGHOUT THAT VERY LONG RIDE. And he even told me, “Don’t worry. Di kita pabayaan.” Di kami nakababa sa Marbel kasi close na ang dorm, so bumalik kami kina Den at dun na nagstay. There, he sat with me on the couch. I was feeling awkward, and probably, so was he. We weren’t saying anything. Kasi grabe. Grabe yung hug. (Nung naging kami na we used to talk about it sometimes kung nasa good mood kami at nagbibiruan.) He asked me if I was okay and I said I was. By the morning, I was shocked when he handed me a coffee he made for me. Nahiya ako, pero tinanggap ko naman. And honestly, nakakakilig. (Haha Pa-Fall. bwiset. -_-) When we went home, I received a message from him saying, “Ingat kayo. Lalo na ikaw.” (Oh diba?! And galling niya! Ako naman, feel na feel. Bwiset.) Ever since then, he kept on texting me. Even during classes, he would text me, “Hi” telling me I look cool in my clothes and blah blah blah, and I would just reply, “Makinig ka. Haha”. Naging ganoon for about a month kasi summer time noon. There he was, a guy who was showing motives towards you. And you, an innocent girl who didn’t know what to do about it but to respond. We clicked, because I guess it’s true that opposites really do attract. I thought it was real, until one day, in our exam in Rizal during our summerclass, I was holding his phone, playing, and there was someone who messaged him. I accidentally saw the content coz it wasn’t protected and it read, “Good Morning Baby. Goodluck sa exam niyo…” and I can’t remember the rest. Shet. He didn’t tell me that HE GOT BACK WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. And those times that he was showing all these caring, landi, putang inang, puta sa akin. Okay. Sorry. He immediately took the phone away from me, so obvious that he didn’t want me to find out. But I did. And he looked at me awkwardly. I acted like I was okay, like it was nothing. That it didn’t mean anything. So did he. Pero awkward parin. Kasi alam namin sa isa’t isa kung ano ang pinanggagagawa namin the past few weeks. But I was furious inside, hurt even, coz that was the FIRST TIME in my life that someone had me fooled. I didn’t know in my life that there was more to come. But the landian didn’t stop there. Even when we both knew that he had a girlfriend, we couldn’t stop each other from always being together. Texting and calling each other, holding hands in the street, and when summer ended and we went back to school again, he held my hand in Anatomy and Physiology Lab class and mouthed, “I missed you” to me. Having feelings for him already, I felt happy. But I didn’t want to respond, coz I knew he had a girlfriend. I just smiled. And sometimes he would joke me and complain that I wasn’t responding to him. And then I’d be forced to respond and we’d both laugh at it. Until it became a habit that saying I miss you and I love you to each other became natural EVEN WHEN HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. That kissing and making out was too natural to be true for someone like me. He didn’t know that I was both happy and sad and hurting over what we were doing. That I was crying silently beside Mai every single night. I was happy coz I liked the affection and how it was just so natural to be with him. I was sad and hurt because of the fact that HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND, and he was doing all these shits with me. There would be times when I’d try to go near him and I’d see his girlfriend’s picture on his lockscreen and instead of going near, I’d back away, thinking “Shit. What the hell am I doing?” Sometimes, I’d be mad at him for no particular reason, and he’d wonder why but would say sorry even if he didn’t knew what he did wrong (isang bagay na gi-love ko sa kanya), not knowing that I was just mad at both of us for what we were doing. Until one day, he told me he broke up with his girlfriend. He was sad about it. And I was hurt. I didn’t like the fact that he was hurting over another girl. That same day when he told me, we went to see the movies. We sat so close to each other, kissed, and I knew right then that there was no turning back for me. I fell in love with a guy who wasn’t done loving another girl. And it was the biggest mistake I ever did in my life. But it wasn’t my decision to make. It wasn’t a choice. It wasn’t my choice. Then the love story started. Coz he was finally free. Free to kiss me all he wants, free to make out with me without thinking about betraying another girl, free to tell me every time that he loves me. We were both free. But there was no label. We weren’t officially together, but we did what every other couple did. Except even more intimate. Then there was another mistake I did in my life. I transferred to another boarding house – an apartment. So he was free to come anytime he wants and be with me in the same room coz there were no restrictions for visitors. Because he VISITED ME TOO MUCH and slept there A LOT, Jeanne left me in the room alone. That was another mistake thrown at me by fate. Because that allowed me and him to LIVE IN TOGETHER. The same boarding house, the same room. You know what happens when things go like that. But living together, you find out things about a person that you never expect. One night we were sleeping next to each other, and I took his phone coz he was already sleeping. I didn’t mean to find anything, I was just browsing coz I couldn’t sleep. Then I looked at the messages. And I saw a thing that made me cry my heart and eyes out. A girl named Pia. He was texting her. And I read some things I’d rather not talk about. He woke up. When he saw what I was reading, he snatched his phone away from me, and got MAD at me. I didn’t even have time to ask him what that Pia was all about, coz he was so mad. (Siya pa talaga and nagalit…) So I just went out and cried at the kitchen area. While he… He just continued sleeping and didn’t even bother explaining to me or saying sorry. But the next day, well, it was like nothing happened. And that was the start of me being paranoid about him cheating on me. I let it pass, cause he did all the sweetest of things to make me forget about it. I wasn’t stupid. I knew his motives, I knew what he was trying to do. I just acted like it was already okay. But it wasn’t. I REMEMBERED IT. AND IT HURT. But I forgave him. Because I loved him and I thought I’d rather not lose him over a single girl. Then, there was another thing he did. He made his ex’s birth date his lockscreen code. I knew. He probably thought I didn’t know. But I did. And so I told him not to go anywhere near me and informed him that I’m well aware of the fact that it was her birth date. He even made the most stupid and most obviously false explanation that it was her sister who set his code. (LIKE LAHAT NG TAO NA SINABIHAN KO TUMAWA.) Bullshit. Haha. I just laughed at it. I was determined not to forgive him. So determined that I made a bet with my friends that for a month, I won’t talk to him. I would treat Gab, Jeanne, Meyer, Dads, at Greenwich and pay Den’s allowance for the week if I talk to him. They were so confident cause they all knew that I could never stay mad at him. I could never stand being away from him. I could never NOT forgive him. I was so strong that time. He was begging me to forgive him. He kept on texting me but I kept on dismissing him. He kept on coming to the apartment but I always told him to go back to his dorm. He even pinned me on the bed once, probably thinking I’d give in. But I didn’t. I shooed him away. My friends also helped me too. They told me I should make him jealous by going near some guy. And then when he would come near me, Meyer would block his way and Gab who knew what we were doing would just laugh at us. I could see how desperate and sad he was. Coz he didn’t have any friends to go with. They all sided with me. Ryan even got mad at our group saying “Porket nag-away sila ni Norsi hindi nyo na rin sya papansinin” or something like that, coz he pitied him. But truth be told, the only reason I wasn’t forgiving him was because of that bet I made. Haha. Because they were right. I could never stand having him gone. So when he texted me that he was coming over and bring me food, I said “Ikaw bahala.” (landi) He came into my room, I ate what he brought, and we both settled on the bed. At first he wasn’t saying anything. I thought he wouldn’t be planning to do anything any soon coz he was ashamed, so I went over him and hugged him. He hugged me back. So tight I can still remember. And he told me “Ngayon ko lang narealize na tama talaga yung sinasabi nila. You only know the importance of a person kung wala na sya sayo.” I didn’t say anything and just smiled in the dark. But ever since he did that mistake, I lost my trust in him. I wasn’t just paranoid. I totally lost my trust in him. And we all know that once we lose trust, it’s just so hard to bring it back. So hard. In my case, it was impossible. He promised me he’d make it up to me. He even brought me my specimen collection kit and all the things I needed. Mai laughed at me coz she knew he was just trying to make it up to me. I’d just smile. But again, I lost my trust in him. He couldn’t bring it back no matter what he did for me. And EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I would cry, remembering everything. From the start up to that moment. Then there came the issue about Jed - my supposedly fixed marriage guy. I was texting Jed, and he read the conversation. He suddenly sulked in the bed. I asked him what was wrong – although I already knew – and he said “Wala lang. May katext ang baby ko.” I said, “Wala yun…” and he told me “Namimiss ko yung ganyan ka pa magtext sa akin.” Coz he was right. All our conversations those few weeks were just full of arguments – me getting mad and him apologizing every time. But I just couldn’t forget. Every time I’d remember what he did, I would get mad at him and remind him of what he did. And it was so hard on his part to make me forget. To make me stop remembering. And then after Jed, that’s when all the other girls rained on me. There was the girl he had a crush on. Someone named Alyssa. He was still sleeping beside me when I looked up his twitter account. He was posting about how much he like the girl. And again, I cried and cried and cried. I screen capped all his tweets and made it his lockscreen wallpaper. He woke up, snatched his phone away from me, but I wasn’t crying anymore. I was just staring into space. He looked at his phone and saw the screen, then sighed. He knew he got no excuses for this one. He couldn’t open his phone coz I changed the code so he couldn’t change the wallpaper. He begged me to stop it and open his phone. He even forced me to. He even got mad at me. He pinned me down on the bed while I was crying and begged me to open his phone. When I got tired of him forcing me to open it – coz it hurt so much to see that he was forcing me to neglect his mistake for his sake and I felt like he didn’t care about me crying and what I thought and felt at that time while I was crying – I opened it, crying. And he said goodbye to me. Our first breakup. It was during the intrams. I guess his Alyssa mission failed coz I saw in his tweets things like, “Maganda nga pero suplada” or something like that, and things like “I just remember how much he loves Sasuke” (kasi sobrang adik ako kay Sasuke Uchiha ng Naruto) or something like that. By then, I knew he was down. Again, he didn’t have any friends. I wasn’t talking to him. I was just walking past by him, not even looking at him. During those times I was still texting Jed. And my friends knew that. One time the council were distributing jerseys and t-shirts and I guess he was trying to reach out to me again, coz he asked me, “Nakuha mo na sayo?” and I just replied with a nod. I could just wonder until now what he thought about my friends teasing me with Jed. He probably didn’t care. Haha. I don’t know. Somehow, we got back together, coz he invited me to buy pandesal at Balolong’s, holding my hand once again. I looked at how he held me and felt the pain again. Coz I knew I was about to forgive him again. And he would do it again. And probably again. But I thought positive. I thought, “I should just be glad that I have him again.” Although, that was really stupid of me. So we got back together. He was sleeping over again. But there was still the Jed issue. And other girls issue. One time he was using my phone to make his lab manual, then suddenly, Jed called. He handed the phone to me with meaning, and walked out the door. I didn’t know what to say and do, but I answered anyway. I wonder what he thought about it. But it wasn’t unfair. Coz he was texting this ND Saira girl too. RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. But I knew I didn’t have the right to get mad cause I knew I was texting Jed as well. But we were sleeping in the same bed every night. And every night, I think about how he was texting that girl. And I cry again. Silently. So quietly. So he wouldn’t hear me. So he wouldn’t know that I was losing the fight. For he didn’t care about me texting Jed. Me? I cared so much that he was fucking texting a girl in my presence. In my knowing. It was September 2015 when I started crying and crying and crying the way I do these days. See? it’s been a very long time since I’ve been suffering this way. The only difference then was that I didn’t want the world to know. I didn’t want him to know. While he was sleeping so quietly in the night, I was praying while breaking down, begging for the hurting to stop. Why was I hurting? Because I remember everything. And I was crying because I was smart enough to know that I should just break up with that person, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would lose in either decision I make. And it was the worst thing that could happen to a person. To be ripped off the freedom to choose. Because either way you choose, you lose. I break down every night without a sound, while he was so soundly sleeping. Sometimes, I just wanted him to hug me in the night, but those times, he never did. He even turns his back on me at times. And then I would cry again. But I couldn’t complain. Coz I knew he would just get mad at me. One morning I asked him, “Why are you doing all this? Why are you neglecting me?  Tell me now while I’m still sober.” And then he just replied, “Wala lang. Naisip ko lang na wala man din tayong pupuntahan.” And though it hurt so much, I knew and understand that he was right. So I accepted it, but right then, I knew that Jed was the problem. Then it was Christmas break of 2015, I sent a group message, saying something like, “If you’re doing this because you think I’d be taken by someone someday, well believe me when I say that you’re wrong.” And then something changed. He was texting me more often again, calling me “Baby” once again. And I could never explain how happy I was then. It was like the first time we texted each other. How sweet the messages were, how he greeted me every morning again, how he was so sweet when we sleep together again, how I got it all back. It went on like that for a while, then came fourth year and I lost his attention because he found a new group of friends. By then, I was the one with no friends. I was left out coz my group of friends either transferred to different schools, or were irregulars. I was counting on him that he wouldn’t leave me behind. That he would stay beside me all the time like he used to do when we were just starting to get closer to each other. That he would give the same affection he used to give me. That he wouldn’t leave me behind. Every night in our room, we would argue about that. And I would cry and cry and cry again. Because I was trying to ask why he’s leaving me behind. And who wouldn’t get hurt if the answer a person gives you is “Kasi may nakikita naman tayong bagong tao eh.” He even said it like he was so sick of me. That’s it. I was LITERALLY crying every single night because I kept on thinking he’s sick of me, he’s done with me coz he already got everything he wanted from me, he’s finally found friends so he’s leaving me behind now, and that he was just using me. It was just like that over and over and over again, every single night and day from July to September 2016. Imagine crying every single time throughout those months. I also understand him if he got stressed out – so much. I pitied him. I wished we would just be okay. I wished I would just forget about every bad thing he did. I wished I would just forget that he betrayed me a lot of times. I wished I would just lose my memory. I wished I’d forget. Then there came October. Internship. The worst thing that’s ever happened to my entire life. We were assigned to different hospitals. And I begged Maam Hazel secretly to place us in the same designation. I cried to her. But she didn’t let me. She told me to grow up. And growing up, she meant away from him. I cried so much. Ate Leah even comforted me, telling me to trust him. But there was no trust remember? I knew how he was. I knew him. I knew it was what he wanted. I knew it. I went with them to Gensan during their orientation coz we both wanted to spend time together till we both would be separated. We didn’t expect that we’d be going home by nighttime already. I was crying at the bus. Why? Coz I knew he didn’t care about us being separated. I was the only one who cared. At first he was comforting me. But I shoved his hands away coz I didn’t want to talk to him. I kept on crying, even harder, so he got mad at me, saying, “Bat kasi di mo matanggap tanggap na magkakahiwalay tayo?!” And so I punched him in the face. I broke his glasses and he bled – I didn’t mean to. When I broke his glasses, he told me, “Wag na wag kang magpakita sakin” and he transferred seats. That got me crying even harder. Apol and the others were then asking me what was going on. All of them were now circling me. When they all came to me to ask me, he came near as well, pretending to help me by picking up my bag. He was playing safe again. But what he said kept on ringing in my ears. “BAT DI MO KASI MATANGGAP TANGGAP NA MAGKAKAHIWALAY TAYO?!” So I kicked his head when he was leaning down. And all of them saw. And all of them saw me wrong and bad. They didn’t know that he yelled at me. They didn’t know what he said. They didn’t know. When the bus stopped, he just walked so fast away towards the terminal for Tacurong, never giving me the chance to talk to him. So I didn’t know what to do anymore. I walked and walked and walked, wanting to just die right then and there coz he just left me. He just left me there crying like shit. I understood that he needed to go home, but he could’ve just talked to me. He should’ve just talked to me. He should’ve just made it okay with me. But he left. And I couldn’t take it. By tomorrow, I begged him to make it okay with me. He was so determined to leave me. Probably because he knew that it was his chance to get away from me. Coz we’d finally get separated. I faced all my shame and begged him to stay with me. To still be my boyfriend. And after a while of torturing me, he finally said yes. Long story short I was already at Davao and he, at Gensan. I couldn’t eat. Coz I could imagine eating with him, but he wasn’t there. We always ate together. I couldn’t sleep in the night coz nobody was hugging me. I couldn’t stop crying because I knew we weren’t okay with each other. I kept on crying because whenever I call, he would get mad at me and tell me bye. He even texted me “MAKAUBOS KA NA NG PASENSYA. NAGADEMONYO AKO SA GALIT PAG IKAW KAUSAP KO”. And then I would cry again. (Sobra sobrang sakit) I tried to convince myself that when I’d finally get to the hospital, I’d be distracted and wouldn’t miss him too much. But I was wrong. Even at the hospital, I thought about what he said. And when I crossed the street, a car almost hit me. That’s when I thought that things couldn’t go on like that anymore. I begged Maam Hazel to transfer me to Gensan, not thinking about the shame anymore. She even told me, “Norsi! Bat sobrang nainlove ka na sa kanya and blah blah blah” I wasn’t totally in love. I wasn’t addicted. I wasn’t obsessed. I was just conditioned to his presence. He was my comfort zone. I was used to having him around in EVERYTHING I DO. I just NEEDED to be with him. So I got transferred to Gensan. He just came from his 16 hours duty so he was lying down the floor. I lied down beside him, hugging him, crying. I thought he would hug me back….but he didn’t. Instead, he got mad at me. “Ito yung sinasabi ko ba! Wag kang mag ganyan ganyan ha! Puta ka!” And I cried more, still hugging him. I cried, “Just treat me right, please. T_T That’s all I’m asking for. Just treat me right.” And he said, “Anong gusto mo?! Baby babyhin nanaman kita?! Gawin ko nanaman lahat ng gusto mo?!” I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went out. I didn’t sleep in the rooms. I slept at the couch. He didn’t even ask if I was doing fine. He just let me cry there while he went to sleep. By probably three in the morning, it was still dark, I was woken up by his presence. He lied behind me on the couch and hugged me. And I could never explain how happy I was for that. Then he told me to come with him and lay with him inside the room on the floor. It was okay for me to lie on the floor. It was okay that it was crampy and cold. As long as I was beside him and we were okay. By the morning I thought we were okay already. We even went to this internet café together. But later on, he was eating and he didn’t even invite me. Well he did, but I said I didn’t want to eat. And he just left it at that. And I wasn’t used to that. Him ignoring me. He even turned his back on me. So I cried again. And he asked me why I was crying. He was mad again because I was crying. We argued. Until he said… “Bat kasi di mo matanggap na ayaw ko na?” And I couldn’t take it, so I started packing my things, determined to leave him. I was crying, looking all messed up – he even said it – and called my mom to look for some place where I could stay in. He tried to stop me, telling me stop it. But I was determined to leave. And so I did. And he didn’t stop me anymore. For a week I stayed at my Ate Oske’s place, trying to be okay. I WAS okay. They made me laugh. They took me to places. They distracted me successfully from thinking about my heartbreak. But sometimes, I just couldn’t help but cry at night when I’m not doing anything. During the day, we would see each other on duty but we don’t talk. We would just walk past each other, not even looking. I was strong that time. Until I told Apol that I was planning to go back to the yellow house, and she said, “Ask mo si Ate Leah”. But then Ate Leah said something in the lines of “Masikip na” and the most hurtful part, “Saka yung pagtulog tulog mo dun Nors, ayaw din ng lahat ba. Pati ako. Kasi yung issue nyo.” Or something like that. So I confronted him about it. “Bat di mo sinabi na yan na pala ang iniisip ng mga kasama natin sa akin ha?! Traydor ka! I HATE YOU!” And he replied that he didn’t want to cause conflict and all that shit. By the morning, I was shocked to read a message from him. It was from last night but I was already sleeping. “Good Evening Bebe. I texted you this message knowing na tulog ka na and I just didn’t want this conversation to end in a fight again. I just want you to know na love na love ko parin ang bebe ko na pinakamalambing, pinakamabait, at pinakacaring na tao na nakilala ko. I just want you to know that I never ever forget all the good things that has happened to us. I wish you peace and happiness bebe. (Actually meron pa pero di ko na maalala haha.)” And it got me confused again. I told him we should talk. And so we did. I went to the yellow house coz he was alone there. We talked. And I asked what his plan was. I asked, “Anong gusto mong mangyari?�� And he said, “Actually naisip ko man na makipagbalikan pero…” He pulled me closer, closer, and closer till I was sitting on top of him, facing him. He said, “Pinapakita ko lang na okay ako pero wala…” I told him, “Mag-decide ka na. Coz once I walk out that door, I’m never coming back to you.” He was silent for a while. I thought he didn’t want to get back with me so I started getting off of him, but he didn’t let me and pulled me back. “Do you want to get back with me?” I asked. And he said yes. Because I was living in some other place, we just had to meet each other every once in a while. One time when we went out on a date, he couldn’t go home coz the yellow house was far and tricycle drivers wouldn’t drive him. I walked up to him and said, “Samahan na lang kita para makasakay ka. Magpasundo na lang ako mamaya.” He hesitated for a moment, but he agreed anyway. I stayed at the yellow house for a while and we started watching a movie, then I saw Ate Leah’s text message to him. “Katigas gid ng ulo nyo ba. Pwede maghanap kayo ng lugar nyo?” And I immediately walked out. I cried again. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama dun ah. Di naman kami nakikipaglandian dun sa sala. May tao pa nga eh! And I was so mad at Ate Leah that I texted her, “Ikaw ate leah sabihin mo lang sakin kung ayaw mo sakin something3x”. I was crying and crying and crying. I walked, and walked, crying, but he didn’t follow me. He let me walk, crying and vulnerable in that long road, completely alone. That made me cry even harder. Then we had a meeting. And they all went against me. Ate leah and I yelled at each other. But one thing I could not forget and hurt me the most, was that even HE, went against me. Me: “OKAY LANG MAN KAMI!”   Ate Leah: “TALAGA SHAN?! OKAY LANG KAYO?!” Him: “HINDI” LIKE FUCK! I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say and do. I wanted to slap him. I wanted to hit him in the face. I wanted to bury him alive. Then what was that message for? What was that talk we had? What were those dates we had? Like fuck! He was just trying to save himself… He was playing safe. Gusto nyang ipakita na nasa side sya nila. He’s like that. Ang ganda pa ng upo nya nung kinakalaban nya ako. Grabe ang bangayan namin ni Ate Leah.  It hurt a lot kasi close kami ni Ate Leah dati, and minsan kinakausap nya ako about sa lalaki na yun, trying to teach me. Bumalik akong tumira sa yellow house, paying 20,000 for a single room. Grabe yung sacrifice na yun para sa parents ko. Bumalik ako kasi sabi nila, pupunta na dun si Maam Ivy and magiging often na ang quizzes namin. So magiging mahirap para sakin ang magpabalik-balik doon. So I went back there. Going back there was a mistake. Kasi dun na lumala ang lahat. Grabe parin ang bangayan namin. I would admit, kasalanan ko na yun. Kasi di ko sya maintindihan. Sinasabi nyang mahal nya ako pero di ko sya kayang paniwalaan. Kaya palagi na lang akong umiiyak. Bat nga ba palagi na lang akong umiiyak? Bakit ako umiiyak? Umiiyak ako kasi di ko kayang paniwalaan na mahal nya pa ako. Umiiyak ako kasi naaalala ko parin ang lahat ng panloloko nya sa akin. Umiiyak ako kasi hindi siya nagbabago. May isa pang babae syang gustong itext na gusto nyang hingiin ang number kay apol. Nabasa ko yun. And yun nanaman. Iyak nanaman. Naga wild ako dahil may sakit ako. Di dapat ako mastress. Di dapat ako pinahihirapan. Di dapat ako natritrigger. Kasi hypomanic ako. Bipolar II. OA kumbaga. Umiiyak ako kasi kahit nakikita na nya na umiiyak ako, kung anu-ano pa ang sinasabi nya. Nandun na ang lahat ng punyeta, and pagkamalas nya dahil sakin, lahat lahat. Nandun pa yung gusto nya akong saktan pero di rin naman nya tinutuloy. Bat ko sya sinasaktan? Why do I hurt the person I love so much, physically? Kasi di ko ma-take ang lahat ng sinasabi nya. Ikaw ba naman ang sabihan na nagademonyo ako sa galit pag ikaw ang kausap ko. Ikaw ba naman ang sabihan na iiwan ka – AFTER EVERYTHING?! Ikaw ba naman ang sabihan na ang malas ng buhay niya nang dahil sakin. Ikaw ba naman ang i-curse? Sabihan ng punyeta. Na di ko na sya makikita after nito and blah blah blah. Ikaw ba naman ang pilit suntukin sa mukha? Ikaw ba naman ang sabihan na magkalimutan na kayo. Pero one night, umiyak sya sakin. Humihingi ng patawad sa lahat ng ginawa nya. Hindi yun ang first na umiyak sya sakin. Ilang beses na. At alam ko kasalanan ko yun. Naaalala kong umiyak sya nung dati na nag-away kami sa apartment. Iyak ako ng iyak, tapos pinalabas ko sya. Ni lock ko yung door and hindi siya makapasok. I was crying and crying inside as he kept on knocking. Then suddenly, I stopped. Just like that. Not a sound heard from inside. He panicked. He started banging on the door. He sounded worried. And then suddenly, I was shocked to hear the door break at its knob. He kicked the door. He went over to me and checked me. Then he started crying, saying he thought I wasn’t breathing anymore. The next he cried was when the same thing happened. Nag-away kami kasi umuwi sya sa dorm nya and gusto ko dun sya matulog sa akin. Pero umuwi talaga sya sa dorm nya so I was sulking. Sulking to the point that I got myself drunk. Sinabi ng friends ko na nagawild ako sa dorm. So he came in to the rescue. Nag-away pa kami. The memories aren’t clear coz I was drunk at the time. But they told me he slapped me two times. Kinaladkad pa daw sa hagdan. Tinulak nya daw ako sa bed, and then I couldn’t breathe. Naga-violet na daw ako so grabe ang takot nya to the point na umiyak sya. The next one he cried over was when I told him na hindi sya makakasurvive sa course namin kung hindi dahil sakin. Sabi nya, “Grabe, ang bobo ko  pala noh?” while crying. I felt guilty about that, a lot. So yun, that night sa yellow house, umiyak sya sakin. Nagsorry sya. Sorry daw kung sumuko sya. Sorry daw sa lahat ng bagay na ginawa nya sakin. Sorry daw sa lahat ng atraso nya sa akin. Nag explain sya na grabe na daw kasi ang stress nya kasi iyak na lang daw ako ng iyak araw araw. So yun. Nasabi nya na ayaw na nya. Hindi naman daw na ayaw na nya sakin. Ayaw nya lang sa nangyayari sa amin. And I understood that. Naging okay kami for a while. Nagdodota pa nga kami sa lynnet kasama nung mga friends nya eh. Until one night, he came into my room and said, “Ah, bebe. Gusto ko palang malaman mo na nalaman na nina mama ang lahat ng nangyari satin.” He was shaking a lot. He was so scared. That’s how he is. He’s scared shitless about his parents. The exact opposite of me. Me: “San si mama mo?” (Malungkot kong tanong) Him: “Pupunta daw sya dito bukas ng umaga. Me: Kung kakausapin nya ako, kakausapin ko na lang sya. Him: “Sige lang. Ako na ang bahala.” Me: “Ano man? Maghiwalay na lang tayo?” (I was hoping he’d say no.) Him: “Bebe, ginawa ko naman ang lahat para magtagal tayo ba.” And I knew what was to happen next. I was gonna lose him. I knew it. His mom called and he went out of my room. That was the last time I saw him… Until after two weeks. Dahil hindi parin ako nagiging okay, pinabalik na ako sa Marbel para dun na lang magduty. It hurt, pero tama naman sila eh. It’s for my own good. And para makagraduate lang ako. Nag-usap usap ang parents namin about sa amin dalawa. Grabe. Nagharapan talaga ang both sides ng family namin. And grabe ka-intense ng pag-uusap. Ang gusto ng parents ko, pakasalan nya ako kasi nga may nangyari na sa amin, at dapat pakasalan nya ako according to our traditions. Narinig ko pang sabi nya, “Yang tradition na yan mapapakain nyo sa amin?!” And it was true, pero masakit parin na marinig yun. Hanggang sa ang napag-agreehan ay dun na rin sya magduduty sa Marbel kasama ko, para fair. Dahil yun ang kagustuhan ng parents ko. Tapos sabi ng parents nya, pag-usapan na lang daw ang kasal pag makatapos kami mag-aral. A part of the agreement was that I wasn’t allowed to talk to him, and so was for him to me. And because of my pride, I even said, “Kahit hindi ko pa sya tingnan kung yun ang gusto nyo.” And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my whole life. Nagduduty kami sa CTDL nang hindi nag-uusap. Hindi kami nagtitinginan. Hindi kami magkasama. SO different from how we used to be. Lahat ng classmates namin na nagduduty doon, iniintriga ako about sa nangyayari sa amin. Sobrang sakit na kailangan mong magpretend na okay lang sayo ang mga nangyayari, pero ang sinsabi ko na lang sa kanila, “I hate him. So I’m okay,” ang napakapait na kasinungalingang sinasabi ko every time may nagtatanong sa akin. Sabi ko sa parents ko hindi ko kaya yung mga nangyayari. And tama sya. What I want, I get. So nag-usap usap nanaman ang parents namin. Pinipilit nanaman ng parents ko na pakasalan nya ako. Pero grabe rin ang mama nya. Pinapakita nya talaga na ayaw nya sakin. Pero actually okay lang. No, hindi sya actually ok. Nakakahurt yung mga pinagsasasabi nya sakin, pero nirerespeto ko parin sya, because she’s the mother of the person I loved the most. Nandun na yung sinabihan nya ako na bwiset na bwiset na sya sa akin. Na ayaw nya sakin para sa anak nya. Na hiya hiya rin daw pag may time. Na magkaroon din daw ako ng delikadesa (I couldn’t quite understand that). Basta marami. Pero infairness sa mother niya, may mga times din naman na okay kami pag nag-uusap sa phone. Ginaguide nya ako about sa relationship namin. Pero most of the time talaga nakakahurt sya eh. Nakakahurt sya magsalita pero tinatanggap ko na lang. Back to the story, ang napag-agreehan is hayaan kami na ayusin ang relationship namin. Na hindi daw makikialam ang parents namin sa relasyon namin. At first, it worked out. Nagkita kami sa school ulit after Christmas vacation, January 4, and he was the first one to talk to me. “Nakakain ka na?” I nodded. He did too. I didn’t know what to say next, but he beat me to it. “Anong nangyari sa mata mo?” I answered, “Sinuntok ako ng kapatid ko.” And it was true. My brother really did punch me in the eye. And it turned bloody red. He said, “Ha? Napadoktor mo na yan?” “Oo.” “Mabuti.” And the convo ended there. Our friends were shocked to see us talking to each other, but I left it as it was. Di na ako nag explain masyado. Basta ang sabi ko okay na kami. Naging okay nga kami, pero di ko parin maiwasan umiyak. Ewan ko ba. Nagrereplay kasi lahat ng mga pangyayari sa utak ko eh. Di ko kayang maniwala na okay kami. Di ko kayang maniwala na okay lang sya sakin. Na gusto nya pa ako. Na mahal nya pa ako. Di ko kayang maniwala dahil di sya kapanipaniwala. So iyak parin ako ng iyak most of the time. At every time na umiiyak ako, nasestress parin sya. And pinapagalitan nya ako, so the more kami na nag-aaway. (THE WHITE VAN SCENE) One time, nagrereview kami kay Sir mandy about blood banking. Hinihiram ko yung phone nya. Ayaw nyang ibigay. So nagclick na sa utak ko na may katext sya na ayaw nyang ipakita sa akin. Pinagalitan nya pa ako kasi mapilit daw ako. Until he got sick of me nagging him about his phone and he gave it to me forcefully. Masakit, physically, pero okay lang. At least binigay nya. And I was right, may mga katext nga sya. “Akin na,” pagalit nyang sabi. Pero di ko binigay yung phone. Tamang tama patapos na yung review. Lumalabas na ang mga classmates namin sa room. Yun, nakagawa kami ng scene kasi pinipilit nyang kunin yung phone sa akin. And ayaw kong ibigay. Bat ayaw kong ibigay? Kasi gusto ko pa syang kausapin about doon sa mga texts, and I knew that the moment I would give him the phone, he’s just gonna run away and escape from my questions. Galit na galit sya. Kahit na nasasaktan na nya yung kamay ko because he was gripping it too hard, wala syang paki, makuha lang yung phone nya. My friends went near, but they couldn’t do anything kasi ayaw nilang makialam. Sana nga nakialam na lang sila eh. Para may magdefend naman sa akin. Pero I understand kung bakit ayaw nila. I even called for Ate Leah’s help, kahit di kami okay that time, kasi grabe na kasakit ng kamay ko sa hawak nya. Akala ko makikinig sya kay Ate Leah pero wala ring nagawa si Ate Leah. Di ko talaga binigay yung phone, hanggang sa nakalabas kami sa room, and we stayed there sa second floor ng SLR. We started quarreling. He said, “Kabwiset na buhay to,” and it hurt a lot. He was sitting, and I was standing, crying, and didn’t know what to say. I asked who the hell those girls were, and ang sabi nya, nakilala nya daw sa Gensan. Like wow. Palagi pa naman syang pumupunta ng Gensan kasi nagpapa-Check up daw sya. Ganon? Tapos pinapakita nya sakin sa Marbel na okay kami? Naglalandian parin? Gumagawa parin ng mga bagay na di na namin dapat ginagawa? Gusto nya akong suntukin. He brought his fist really close to my face, but I stood firm. I showed him that I wasn’t scared of him. Truly I wasn’t scared kasi alam ko naman na di nya ako kayang saktan, pero behind that strong mask that I put up, was the pain brought about by the fact na sya na nga ang may kasalanan, ako pa dapat ang gusto nyang saktan. Nagsabi pa sya na, “Kung di lang!” Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang karugtong nun. Napagod akong makipag-away, so I started walking away, and put his phone inside my bag para di nya makuha. I walked and walked and walked towards the CTDL, constantly saying “Wag kang mag-make ng scene” sa kanya. Tumatahimik din sya, keeping up with my pace. Hanggang maabot namin yung door ng CTDL and he grabbed my hand, not wanting me to get out kasi nasa labas lang ang van namin. “Akin na yung phone ko!!” “Get off of me!!” (Inglisera kasi ako eh. haha) Pilit nya akong hinila-hila. And wala man lang tumulong sa akin sa mga kaibigan ko. Tiningnan lang nila ako as he was pulling and grabbing me and preventing me to get out and reach the van. Ibibigay ko naman sana yung phone eh. Naprovoke lang ako na di ibigay nung hinila hila nya ako. Tinawag ko si Marko pero tiningnan nya lang ako. Tinawag ko si Maam Kat pero late na syang tumayo. I managed to get out. Pero lumabas din sya at hinila-hila ako. Kahit yung mga bantay ko sa van di rin ako natulungan. Kainis. Nabitawan nya lang ako nung nirescue na kami ni Maam Hazel at Sir Mandy. Which was so nakakahiya by the way. Nakapasok ako sa van namin, still crying. Parang ako pa yung naging masama sa nangyari sa amin. Pinagalitan ako ni Mam Hazel. Parang nainsulto pa ako. Pero sige lang sabi ko. If no one would understand me, I know God does. I gave him his phone back, and the van left. And I looked back, seeing our classmates surrounding him. Di ko na alam kung ano pa ang pinag usap-usapan nila doon. Even after that, naging okay parin kami. Ewan ko kung paano. Ganun lang kasi talaga eh. Nagiging okay lang kami bigla even after a very strong fight. Long story short, malapit na ang graduation. I was so scared that he would leave me after graduation so I made him promise to me, “Promise me you’re not gonna leave me after this,” and he said, “Promise.” I knew right then and there that he was going to break that promise again like all the other promises he broke before. And I was right. After graduation, wala na. Di ko na sya nakita pa up until now. Nagkita lang kami one time, pero nag away lang kami kasi ayaw na daw nya talaga. Tapusin na daw namin. Nagkagulo pa kami nun kasi hinila hila sya nung pinsan ko na lalaki na kasama ko that time. But I couldn’t take it. I still defended him. And after that day. Well, di ko na siya nakita. Di ko narin siya macontact. Wala na. Sinulat ko to hindi dahil nagpapaawa ako. Sinulat ko to hindi dahil gusto kong pasamain ang image nya. Sinulat ko to kasi gusto kong maintindihan niyo kung bat ako nagkakaganito. I want you to know my side of the story. He can tell his if he wants. And Ii would understand. My problem is that I’m up against my own self. I remember everything. I’m being tortured by my own brain. I’m tortured by the memories. I’m tortured by the looks people give me. I’m tortured by my illness. I’m tortured by what he did to me. Kung tingin nyo kasalanan ko ang lahat ng nangyari, okay lang. Naiintindihan ko. Kung kasalanan naman niya, hayaan nyo na lang. Ang gusto ko na lang ngayon, sana maintindihan nyo ako. Yun lang. Salamat. I’ve said sorry to the people whom I used to be friends with before. And I’ve gained those friendships back. People have said sorry to me too, and I have accepted those apologies wholeheartedly. I’m just glad I’m okay now. To him, thank you. God sent you to me to make me stronger. To teach me a lesson. I learned that now. I’ve accepted that you’re gone. I’ve accepted that this is life, and this is how it is. If I disappointed anyone, my family, my friends, my teachers, and my classmates, I am deeply sorry. If you hate me, I’m sorry. Though I know there’s not a chance that we can still be friends in the future seeing as how we can never fix our mistakes, I still hope for peace upon both of us. I’ve just gone through a lot and do thankful that I’m still alive today. This all has a purpose. What that purpose is, I still have no idea. Pero sana, all these happened for a very good reason. Sana. Sana. Okay na ako bebe. Promise. Let’s be both happy. ^_^