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#my life feels fufil
neotaissong · 3 months
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#free gaza#free palestine#praying for rafah#but nah lets talk about deadpool marvel and usher#i love movies i love music i love life but they are inventing new ways to kill the human spirit and playing in our faces about it#they are brandishing anyone who speaks out as anti-semetic whilst testing new weapons on civilians fufilling murder quotas compiled by AI#doing all this under the cover of the spectacle of mass entertainment national holidays and now the superbowl#i mean no disrespect to palestinians in posting the above photo of a body decimated and hanged i mean no disrespect to the victim#their family or friends but i had to show it i had to this is horror#the first thing that came to mind was lynched broken and burnt black bodies hanging from trees#and years of nfl kneeling by Kaepernick and the ways black media elites tried to hide him away after his calls for justice#the sun is shining here after how many weeks of weighty greyscale atmospheres and all i see is blood in between my breakfast#in between catching up with friends and fam in between scrolling music art and lifestyle i see blood blood blood blood blood blood blood#i feel guilt and shame and loss and grief and powerlessness and the sun is shining on my face and there's congo and sudan#and there is love and love and love and love and love seeping under the cracks of all this death hate conquest and loneliness#i have to believe it i have to believe in my belief i have to hold onto faith with blood on my hands for not doing enough pls forgive me#pls god forgive me god pls forgive me#pls god strengthen the resistance strenghten my capacity for love resistance rebellion and defiance in the face of their death & conquest
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termagax · 9 months
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i hate to make the cr thing sound like a dumb ship war but they canonically had beauregard confess to being in love with her best friend, the party member she was objectively closest to and had the best chemistry with, to whom she was the turning point for her entire major character arc, and then immediately walked it back to pair them up with the characters they flirted with in episode 1 and had no chemistry with. and then spent the rest of the series making arguably lesbiphobic jokes about it.
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phantom-of-the-ruckus · 4 months
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Sailor Owen and Tuxedo Jakey Mask
Disclaimer: This was made for the purpose of fulling a promise and shitposting. These two drawings were made for the intention of a lighthearted and silly idea. Please be respectful in the comments.
I done it y'all
a promise is a promise, now y'all will suffer with me/j
somehow this is my first entry of 2024
hope y'all are happy/vpos
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Also please don't tag it as a ship or take it seriously, this is just meant for shits and giggles
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skitskatdacat63 · 2 months
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Me rewatching True Detective, fully knowing of the fact that I'm incapable of being normal abt anything, and finding myself getting increasingly more insane about it as the days go on: ah look it's consequences of my actions
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#this is why theres certain things i feel like i can never rewatch/reread again bcs they will take over my life#generation kill? i keep delayinf watching it even tho i rly want to bcs i know its just gonna take me over again#i didnt think id get obsessive abt true detective#bcs when i watched it the first time i noted that it had a fandom but didnt get into it at all#so im like yeah okay this is safe to rewatch! i like it a lot but its not gonna make insane#guys. i regret to inform you i feel insane.#lol also sry this whole break has been me rediscovering old fandom loves#so i keep having to be like 'WHY DID I GET BACK INTO THIS'#its just a stop gap i think tbh#BUT WHY DID I GET INTO THIS SO SOON BEFORE F1 COMES BACK UGGHHHHHH#also i think another factor is that have no one to talk abt vett/onso meta or AUs with#so my brain is just constantly searching for smth to latch onto#i keep getting sucked into old things and rediscovering my love#and its all very fufilling but ah man it makes me feel so insane ig#love bursting out of its seams and all that#haha just hoping tho main fandom will be a bit more active and communicative once it starts up again#stop my eyes from wandering anf all that#but anwyays yeah. i feel sooooooooo crazy abt TD#every time i watch another ep my brain is like 'man i wanna rewatch from the very start again'#im very loath to finsih things yknow?#theres a difference btwn completely starting smth over when you finish it#and savoring the world youre in before finishing it#yeah you can watch smth an endless amnt of times. but theres smth abt existing in that space btwn the start and the end#but aaaaghhh every aspect i just am so desperately into it#catie.rambling.txt
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heroes-fading · 1 year
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tumblr did eat this but as a wise poet once said “honey i rose up from the dead i do it all the time”
so i feel like i have been slowly entertaining in the back of my head for a year or two now the idea of writing again. it started with like, writing bad poetry in journals. i’ve been consuming media, but in a lot more of a disconnected way. engagement was like, reading reddit and twitter threads for a day and putting it back down. then episode 8 happened, and i was like FUCK i’m unglued.
to put in perspective what kind of shit i was up to in high school: i wrote half a million words of like...once upon a time fanfiction. and in that i found lots of lovely connections to people but amidst a sea of other factors: being a literal teenager who still thought i could be the smartest person in the room (spoiler: never), having no real social net outside of the internet (and i will say my internet friends -- many of whom i still love and talk to today -- got me through some of the WORST times of my life), and having a very fragile ego. probably related to points a and b. everything felt like the biggest thing in the world because my world did not feel very big.
now i look back at it like...holy shit you wrote a goddamn novel. who cares if it was like, literature or not? 
to be honest one of the things that got through to me was this cj the x video, especially their point which i’ll recap here:
“We are under the impression that art is something special people do, and to do it well makes you a genius, and to do it poorly is embarrassing. This sectioning off of the art world for artists from regular life and regular people is completely artificial and it is bad for the soul of your society.”
and they talk a bti about the Terrifying Ordeal of Being Known and perfectionism and just the amount of fuccccckin mental blocks we put around what’s good art and bad art and we spend so much time agonizing over what’s good and what’s cringe and you know what? embrace cringe! who cares! none of us will live forever!!! sharing art is the way we sustain ourselves in the long run.
i always have an internal voice saying something’s not good enough. i’m Always like “damn, these metrics ain’t metricing like they were earlier...” and then i’m like fuck...am i doing this for the Idea of Fandom Success or because of my fun silly lil hobby? my fun silly lil hobby? aight guess i ought to just embrace the Terrifying Ordeal of Being Known and accept that silly lil numbers ain’t what’s fufilling, it’s the practice of writing and sharing and going at the end of the day “at least one person liked this, and being known isn’t the Most Horrific Thing Ever”.
another thing i Never did when i was a teenager is tell anyone i wrote fic in real life. now my husband and friend and sister-in-law know (the latter involved either alcohol or being confined to a plane, which is a lot like alcohol) and you know how much they think i’m embarassing? they don’t. oh and actually a co-worker. they just go “lol, this is My thing” and it’s a novel they tried to write in college or fanart they post on a secret instagram or a monsters inc page they ran in high school (all real examples) because everyone has some kind of thing they care about, some artistic expression, and we’ve conditioned people to think trying is embarassing. trying is vulnerable and the point, i think! no matter how cringe! 
and vulnerability is this awfully stingy thing because sometimes when you think about it for too long it’s not unlike putting your hand on a hot coal. like, fuck, laying awake at night knowing that people know You Tried and what if they still didn’t like it? humiliating. awful. please schedule me with the goddamn firing squad. you didn’t get the metrics you wanted. or worse, you did and now people don’t think you deserve it. they’re gonna find out you’re just a big fanfiction writing fraud.
but maybe that’s the point! i don’t know! vulnerability is hard and painful and growth and sincerety is almost WORSE. but there’s also something lovely and cathartic about it and at the end of the day knowing that other people feel that, too. can never get too lost in either sauces of thinking you’re the worst thing ever or the best and the only one who gets it. just gotta accept the vulnerability of it all~
i’m back in my daydreaming era, i think fic gave that back to me. i shut her off for a little while, but she’s still there! and it’s not the worst thing, having overwhelming creative ideas on the treadmill or in a hotel lobby or furiously writing in a google doc in the middle of the night even if it does feel Silly. sometimes it does make the world a little more magical, framing in a narrative. 
(my therapist at some point has made comments about my narrative framing skills in the context of my life and getting out of a shitty family situation with a lot of embedded generational cyclical fun stuff to a point i have a lot of the things now i used to dream about despite it, my pathological need to write my way out also applying to my life and maybe it’s not the worst way of moving a locus of control inwards. i used to dream about feeling safe and being respected interpersonally and professionally because it’s something no woman in my family ever really got and i get that now. anyway, as i said, radical vulnerability!)
narratives are powerful and meaningful and art is too, i don’t care if it’s fanfiction at the end of the day! we’ve all felt something or gptten something or felt community and that’s meaningful enough. 
this is a very long-winded and frankly chaotic way of saying sure, i’m a writer enough!
#fic talk#and talk and talk.............#i have a job i love that fufills what i want to Do and Be but also i will always love writing so much#and to get to do that in space where i get feedback and community#at the end of the day when i'm hittin#g that lil refresh button for a dopamine hit because social media has broken our brains#i do take a deep breath and be like#oh cool#i did that#and the more we police that feeling or worse misplace it the harder it gets to the Point#of just doing shit for the sake of it and having a good time!#don't get sucked into all the other shit#i think a big turning point in my life honestly#was being in the car after having the worst fucking day of my life or second worse#after a really terrible situation with my mom#and i was in a goddamn target with a radically different hair color in my hands#and after that i was like#i'm not doing this to myself!#i'm not going to doom myself!#i'm going to listen to some goddamn kelly clarkson#because of you LEGENDS ONLY#and live for myself here and build my own existence#i literally found old journal entries to myself saying something to the idea of this#and then i interned at my current job and met my husband and slept on the floor of people i still love and am friends with today#and this isn't fic but#NARRATIVE#and what i was and wasn't going to do#and i read that a year or two ago and just bawled my eyes out#because she did that :')#and that's the power of building something for yourself and owning your own lil narrative even if sometimes it's just lil fanfic
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weedexchange · 1 year
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i am so sick of feeling this immense guilt and having no hope for the future i am making a conscious effort to get better and create a life worth living for myself
#i go back and forth on what i think mental illness is#because it makes me want to die when i think of it as an unsolvable thing i will have to cope with for the rest of my life#but even if that's true i can still life a fufilled and happy life#i have a personality disorder so a lot of the symptoms of my disorder are learned behaviors#even if i will have to deal with some kind of fear of abandonment and over sensitivity my whole life i can still work on building healthy#relationships and learn how to handle my emotions without having big breakdowns#i had a manic episode that lasted like two months this summer#i was able to get through it without relapsing or harming myself too much#but now that it's over i feel this exhaustion and shame#and i don't have as much energy as i did during those months#i don't know i guess progress is progress#but it just fucking sucks and thinking about dealing with this for the rest of my life is so tiring#i feel unsure of my own reality at this point#i know that if i attempt to seek professional help and talk about what im really expirencing it would be labeled as psychosis#but i really don't think so#but if i am expirencing delusions i don't want to get to the point where im unhelpable#but i don't think that's what it is#i think that we live in a completely nonsensical society that does not support people#and i just can't understand it#and my poor brain is attempting to make sense of this bullshit world we are living in so of course it's going to draw strange conclusions#but what im worried about is that i am hearing voices#not often but sometimes i hear someone say my name or yell something unintelligible but no one's around me#and visually i see movement out of the corner of my eye but when i look it's nothing#i dont fucking know man#i'm trying to reconcile my spiritual beliefs and what i belive about human consciousness with the fact that i may be delusional#but i don't think so i think a lot of psychology is bullshit and we aren't treating people right#meds and institutionalsion is not going to help#id rather help myself than seek treatment from these people who i think have a warped view of how to treat people#i just dont fucking know#but im tired of hating myself and tired of wasting my time and my life wishing i was someone different somewhere else
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hopefullyababe · 2 years
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does anyome else feel a deep and unquenchable longing for years that youve never experienced
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augustinewrites · 6 months
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your apartment fills with the mouthwatering scents of buckwheat and dashi as you begin to unpack the takeout that's just been delivered. but even with your stomach already growling, you pause, confused.
“kento?” you call to where he’s is leaning against the counter.
“yes, love?”
you count the boxes again, frowning. “why did you order three? is one for your other girlfriend?”
“of course not,” he replies, unfazed by your teasing accusation as he continues to scroll through his tablet. “she doesn't like soba.”
you throw a napkin in his direction when your see the small smirk curling on his lips, shutting off his tablet to look over at you.
you wait, watching him expectantly.
"it's…for yuuji.”
“ah,” you realize, unable to keep from smiling. “your protégé.”
“he’s more like my intern,” he corrects, taking two plates from the cabinet.
you grab a third, following him to the dining table to help him set up. “you fired your last intern because you didn’t like how he organized your files. yet this one is sukuna’s vessel, and you’re bringing him soba.”
nanami pulls out your chair, kissing the top of your head before settling in his own seat. "you don't approve."
"it's not about that. if you say he's not dangerous, of course i believe you.”
he looks at you for a moment, and you can practically see the gears turning in his head as he figures out what to say.
“i just…don’t want him to feel so alone,” he says softly. “you heard about what happened at the detention center. gojo’s trying to hide him from the higher-ups right now, but we don’t know how long that’ll last. he’s just a kid, and gojo’s has a lot going on. so i— i want to look out for him.”
he glances over at the takeout bag, where the third box is sitting. “i may not be able to protect him like gojo can, but i can at least make sure he’s eating.”
you know he’s been exhausted lately. you can see it in the lines on his face and the slight sag of his shoulders when he trudges home at the end of the day.
yet he still finds time to care for a student that’s not his own.
and oh, if that did not make your heart skip a beat, knowing you were loved by a man capable of such care. you can’t help but watch him, almost unable to wrap your head around how lucky you are.
“you’re staring, dear.”
you sigh loudly, rising from your seat to wrap your arms around his shoulders, kissing his cheek. “i think my heart might burst if i find another reason to love you more than i already do.”
he takes your hand, pressing his lips to your engagement ring.
“you love me plenty already. which is why you’ve already set a third plate out to invite yuuji to eat with us, correct?”
_____
“and then nanamin charged in and chopped it up just like this—”
nanami watches you watch yuuji swing a single chopstick menacingly as he recounts their last mission.
“he just charged in, hm?” you ask calmly. “yuuji, you’ll tell me if my fiancé is being reckless, won’t you?”
“yes ma’am!”
the blond sits up, clearing his throat. “surely that’s not necessary.”
“he’s so stubborn, isn’t he?” you ask the boy sitting across from you, even rolling your eyes.
“sure is! he’s pretty bossy too.”
nanami’s scoffs as if he’s annoyed, but secretly…secretly he couldn’t be more pleased.
he’s always wanted to be a lot of things in his life. a good sorcerer, a good employee. a good man.
but all of those things he thought he needed to be to live a full life are irrelevant.
because nothing is more fufilling than being needed and being loved.
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I feel like the fact that c!Tommy was rash in the finale is sort of a double-edged sword but I have no idea how to explain my thoughts on this but maybe cuz like even though things aren't exactly fair objectively, and he doesn't notice it and just focuses on finding out questions his had for ages, it still sort of helped? Because the knowledge that he was going to die by the nuke and it was going to be the end speeded things up and kept him less stuck in his thoughts, and again even though that made things unfair, it sort of allowed him to be a little freer. He wasn't confined so much to his overthinking which meant he wasn't stuck thinking back to exile and prison and all his trauma, and instead oddly enough was able to focus on the present as it was just his way of getting shit done before the nuke goes off which allowed him to get that sorta bit of closure despite his irrational thinking due to said rushing and fear of the nuke. But, when he heard c!Dream arguing his side of the story, rather than spending time-fighting and arguing his own, he listens because he knows that its the end and that fighting would just waste time. Of course there are other factors to it though, take into the fact that at cTommys core he really does have the most heart on the server, and isn't a bad person and is sadly constantly caring for those that hurt him the most which happened in the finale.
Although objectively the rashness was sad. For c!Tommy personally, it might have been okay for him, maybe better for him to be at peace with the nuke going off and having that understanding that this is the end, as opposed to overthinking millions of other things and stressing over that then reverting back to the loop where c!Dream drags him into some conflict and c!Tommy due to stressful outbursts worsens it for himself (but thats not to say he's at fault).
In some way, I feel like he had a kind of peace. Had there been no nuke, I feel like c!Tommy would've been worser off.
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airesgay · 1 year
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I do think that after school (or any time really) everyone should be allowed to take a year off to do absolutely nothing except what they want to do before having to worry about even planning their future
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erodasfishtacos · 3 months
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The Body Factory (sexclubowner!h)
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Hellloooo!
It’s been a long while since I posted here. I am still going strong on patreon with 4-5 one shots a month with anywhere from 8 to 14k words usually (sometimes more) + blurbs. I decided to released one of my new tropes, just part one on here and if it sounds good maybe consider joining for $3USD a month to read more parts of this and many others coming up!!!
prompt: yn doesn’t feel fufilled in her relationship and so her fiancé, Arthur, comes up with an idea to help but it doesnt turn out as either of them expected aka sex club owner!h
word count: 8k
warnings: under-negotiation, power play, mean h, choking, safeword, cheating but not really yet
🛑 there is a scene that could potentially be triggering so i am going to put a brief summary at the end of the fic if you’d like to check whether it’s a appropriate read for yourself. 🛑
Author’s Note: I have had this idea on my mind for months and have been so extremely excited to share it with you. It has really really been inspiring to me as I don’t have a trope like this. I hope you enjoy.
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Arthur was nice.
Arthur was a safe choice.
It’s why when YN’s father introduced them, it didn’t really seem like an option to turn down the invitation to go out to dinner at the swankiest restaurant in town.
The date had been so incredibly unexciting that YN had no doubt that he would not ask for a second one.
They had nothing in common, the space was often filled with an awkward silence, and averted gazes to the walls or out the window next to their seating.
Arthur was nice.
Arthur was polite, he held the door and paid for the bill before walking her to her car with the chaste kiss to her cheek.
It absolutely boggled her mind when her father informed her the next day that Arthur had told her that he had an amazing time and was going to ask her for a second date in the next upcoming days.
YN hated the mere idea of disappointing her parents, she had already let them down enough with her career choice not to join the family business
:readmore:
instead becoming neonatal nurse, despite that being a massive accomplishment, it wasn’t praised because she didn’t go to be a lawyer like both her mother and father.
It felt like most of the time she was on thin ice with her parents because of her education and career choice, even down to the car she drove (they thought it was too sporty and not practical enough) which left her in a precarious position.
She relied on them for help with her student loans.
YN was still trying to get her feet on the ground with her apartment landlord just bumping up her rent by nearly five-hundred pounds, her car note, among all the other things that came with being an adult that she wasn’t financially capable of managing yet.
Her parents agreed to pay for her school loans.
However, it came with silet threat of staying in their good gracious or they would cut her off at any moment, they had threatened it enough when she got into nursing school and informed them that she would be attending, she must have heard them threaten her inheritance half a million times.
Arthur was her ticket back into her parent’s limelight.
He was fresh out of law school but he was incredibly intelligent, good at what he did, and had multiple firms vying for him to join their legal council but he had chosen YN’s family’s business because of their well-known reputation.
Arthur came from old money, which had given him an extremely privileged life and a headstart into success as soon as he was born.
He was the great-grandson of an oil tycoon whom he had reaped the benefits ever since.
The second date happened, then the third, then the fourth.
No spark.
No chemistry.
Atleast on YN’s end because Arthur seemed happy as a clam in their relationship, he praised YN to anyone who would listen, and was consistently bragging about their life to anyone that would listen to him.
He was nice to her.
He remembered important dates, brought her flowers to work, and had dinner made when she walked in the door on nights that she worked late shifts and he got home before her.
Time passes and they celebrate their first year anniversary, then their second, then their third.
On the fourth was when he got down on one knee and professed his love to her in front of all their family and friends on Christmas Day at an extravagant party at his parent’s estate.
The diamond ring that he slid onto her finger was ridiculous, too big to not just be flaunting wealth, and it wasn’t a style that she liked but she lied and told him that she loved it.
There was an emptiness in her chest when he proposed, she was teary-eyed but she couldn’t determine whether it was from happiness or dread that she was going to spend the rest of her life with the man in front of her.
It wasn’t his fault in the slightest.
Arthur was just Arthur.
He lacked depth, there was nothing behind his twinkling brown eyes beside law, money, and judgement.
Arthur treated her nicely consistently, they barely ever fought, and he never raised his voice at her.
When he got frustrated, he just got an exasperated tone and took time to himself in his office until he had calmed down enough to talk.
But that was once in a blue moon.
They’ve never had a blow-out because he was so agreeable and accommodating.
That’s exactly what was missing from their relationship.
YN didn’t crave toxicity, not one bit, she wanted a healthy relationship with positive communication, understanding, and all the things that make that up.
YN did crave excitement, humor, sexual tension, and the type of relationship that kept her on her toes, got her adrenaline pumping and making her stomach turn in nervous knots because she didn’t always know what to expect out of her partner.
Arthur was as predictable as a clock, had no spontaneity up his sleeve, and his sense of humor was nonexistent.
YN had a partner that she’d been with in college named Klein.
He wasn’t the love of her life, not by a long shot, but he had been wild, on the edge of insane half-of-the-time, and always kept their relationship exciting.
He would show up at her part-time cafe job, with a fake excuse to her boss about a death in his family, and he needed her support.
When YN would walk out to his motorcycle with him, concerned about his grandmother’s death, he would only smile at her, inform her that his grandmother has been dead for fifteen years, and that he was going to take her on a hike to see a waterfall she’d mentioned wanting to see once in passing.
But then there was their sex life, it was phenomenal and unlike the few half-hapzard experience she had before him.
He was confident, dominant, and introduced her to things that she used to not even have the nerve to say out loud let alone do.
It was him who introduced her to BDSM and they explored it for nearly two and a half years of their relationship.
YN did research while they were together and after the fact, she had even attended a few virtual training sessions to learn about correct techniques, safety precautions, and learning the dynamic of power play which engrossed her to no end.
However, when Klein requested they open their relationship, that had been such an unexpected turn-off that she no longer felt the connection that was there before.
The end of the relationship was amicable, they were still friends on social media and liked each others posts but it was at that point they realized they wanted different things and they couldn’t provide that to one another.
Where Klein wanted flexibility, uncertainty, and fluidity.
YN wanted regimen, structured, and a deep sense of connection with one person.
She did not want multiple doms nor did she want her dom to have multiple submissives.
She wanted all the attention on her, her dom would be absolutely captivated by her and be so connected to her physically, mentally, spiritually that they only want her.
Her ideal dom would never mention sharing.
Which isn’t to shame it because it was more common than not to have an open relationship, partner sharing, and swapping.
YN loved the idea of becoming comfortable with someone enough that she could be a brat which she wasn’t an easy submissive she had come to learn.
Her dominant had to work for her submission, sometimes she crumbled quickly and other times it took multiple punishments until the smirk was wiped from her face and replaced with tears on her puffy cheeks from the pinpricks of pain.
After Klein, she had gone on a few dates, some she even hooked up with but she never clicked enough with them to talk about anything like that.
And so she wrapped it up into a nice, neat box and tucked it into the back of her mind because she would find the right partner who would be compatible sexually with her.
Right?
Arthur and her had no sexual chemistry.
Arthur was just as polite in the bedroom as he was outside of it, he never put her in a unique position, and preferred to rotate between the missionary and doggy style.
He would occasionally go down on her but he didn’t know what he was doing so it didn’t feel like much of anything as most of the time he couldn’t even locate her clit.
Which meant fingering was out of the question because he didn’t even know the g-spot existed.
Anytime she managed to orgasm, it was from her own hand, getting herself off because she was past the point of asking him to try to do it.
Arthur did not have a high sex drive and YN felt guilty for being thankful for it.
He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was trying, and it was so unsatisfying that YN felt like her skin itched sometimes because she hadn’t realized until Arthur how much she craved sexual intimacy with her significant other.
Again, Arthur initiated once a week, sometimes twice or sometimes not for a few weeks when his work is really busy.
YN was six years into a relationship of unfilled desire, disconnect, and a lack of satisfaction which she would have never seen for herself at only being twenty-nine years old.
The wedding was set for fourteen months away, at a vineyard on the coast of Italy.
It was decided by everyone but her as with most things she felt like nowadays.
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YN had been scrolling through a blog post when something caught her eye.
It was written by a female who had a similar lack of connection with her partner in the bedroom but wanted more.
The writer had described that as soon as she asked if they could experiment with BDSM that their relationship had completely shifted, they were more in love than ever, and their sex life was more amazing than it had been in nearly a decade.
It was the motivation that YN needed to have the conversation with Arthur, with the hope that it would ignite a flame that had yet to be struck between the two of them.
YN loved Arthur, she wanted to be in love with him but she couldn’t honestly say she was at this point in their relationship.
Arthur had been surprised by the conversation, over dinner one night, if the way he sputtered red wine onto his crisp white button-up was an indicator.
His eyes had gone wide in a look of almost horror and he cleared his throat a handful of times while they discussed it in more detail.
“I just feel like it would be something fun to try out,” YN tries to keep it casual, to not let on to how much she desired this or knew that she would already love it.
“Erm, yeah. I would be open to it,” Arthur had agreed sheepishly, putting down his fork and knife.
“No, I do not want you to feel pressured at all! I just -” YN begins to try to soothe because she had not meant to get such a reaction of concern more than lust out of her fiance.
He chuckles kindly, smiling at her as he reaches across the table to hold her hand, “We can try it, if that’s what you want. I am open to whatever will make you happy, sweetie pie.”
Sweetie pie….
YN tried not to blatantly cringe every time he called her that.
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It did not work out.
They did not even get a few minutes into foreplay when Arthur backed out, saying that he just didn’t feel like he knew what to do, and that he’d prefer if they just did their normal thing.
YN agreed, trying to swallow the disappointed lump in her throat because she didn’t want to guilt him in to trying anything he wasn’t into.
They didn’t discuss it again after that for a long while.
++
Arthur wasn’t blind to the shift after that night.
He now knew that he was not satisfying a need that YN desired and she had just seemed more subdued since he had called it off but was trying to hide it because he knew that she wasn’t trying to make him feel bad about not wanting it.
It had been on his mind though.
++
“A sex club?” YN’s eyes nearly buldge from her sockets, puting down her glass of water and ignoring the splashes it leaves on her hand because what had Arthur just recommended they try?
“Yes. A BDSM club or a kink club they call it. Maybe if I see other people doing it or we get into the right atmosphere, it will work better. At least off the start?” Arthur seems just as nervous as her, he hadn’t touched his food.
“And…I just…” YN was at a loss for words because this is just the most unexpected turn of events.
“Maybe I can learn from others. Really get good at it for you, you know?” He suggests, his eyes looking anywhere but at hers.
“Yeah, yeah let’s do it.”
++
The Body Factory was the club that Arthur had decided after doing his research.
He needed somewhere secretive, exclusive, and with iron-clad NDA’s so that no one could use this against him in his profession which was fair enough.
That’s where The Body Factor came into play.
There were guidelines to a membership:
You must make over a hundred-and-fifty thousand pounds a year.
You were sign and resign an NDA every three months.
A deposit of ten thousand pounds, it will not be refunded if any rules or regulations are broken.
You will send in health screenings every two months, proof of birth control (if female), and a background check.
You may not belong to any other clubs during the time of your membership at The Body Factory.
YN was quite shocked that Arthur had dished out that amount of money on the deposit for something that they weren’t sure that they were going to like nor want to continue to visit even though the membership spans for a year at a time.
“If we go, hate it, and decide to never go back, just consider it a really expensive date night,” Arthur had assured her with a chuckle, she knew of his wealth but even this seemed a bit like frivolous spending but little did she know it was just his desperation to make her happy.
++
The club was in the packing district of all places, tucked back in between massive factories, some that were still open and operating, others that had been abandoned for years now.
It was actually in an old clothing factory that had been renovated to resemble any other high-end club, from the inside there would be no way that anyone could even tell except for the incredibly high ceilings at some points.
However, the location in the city and of building choice gave a lot of privacy of entering and exiting, it wasn’t advertised nor did it have any sign indicating of their presence.
It was a maze of alleyways until the entrance appeared, a dingy door that was rusted and gave no indication of what was inside, someone walking past would have never looked twice or thought anything of the building nor the entrance.
Everything was matte black, dark, and dimmed.
There were occasional deep emerald green accents but everything was sleek, modern, and simple but in the most elegant way as they walked in.
YN’s heart was in her throat.
Where people going to be fucking right when they walk in?
Or people being led around on leashes right off the bat?
Arthur may pass out.
However, there’s a front desk, almost like at an office with a woman dressed in a incredibly fitted sleek black dress with smooth, curled hair, and makeup like it was done by a professional, she had to be a model because she was gorgeous as she smiled widely and checked them in.
They had to show their licenses, hand over physical copies of their screenings, NDA’s even though they had to sign them virtually too.
There were two security guards in black suits with earpieces standing by large, heavy dark oak doors with their hands crossed in front of them.
This seemed like a movie or just not real with how sophisticated this whole process was.
“Enjoy,” Penelope, the receptionist had chirped with the whitest, most perfect smile she’d ever seen.
Arthur seemed a bit awestruck for a moment and YN couldn’t even fault him for it.
The two guards move aside to open the doors, nodding for them to go in before closing them firmly behind them.
YN finds herself reaching for Arthur’s hand, nervous and shaky with new experience anxiety and adrenaline that she was finally getting back into what she wanted even more so.
There were people mingling, sipping on drinks, and all fully clothed.
It wasn’t until Arthur informed her, “Play starts at ten, the first hour is to introduce, mingle, meet.”
Ah, that makes sense.
It almost builds the tension, YN feels like she can taste it on the tip of her tongue.
They walk over to the bar, another beautiful women greets them right away, laying a napkin down in front of both of them, “Newbies?”
“Yes,” Arthur nods, pointing to himself first, “I’m Arthur, this is YN, my fiance.”
The bartender quirks an eyebrow as she not-so-subtly scans them, “Nice to meet you two. I’m Raven. I bartend Friday through Sunday here. What are you drinking?”
“A moscow mule,” YN asks, maybe some alcohol will loosen her nerves.
“It’s a dry club, babe,” Raven smiles patiently as her long fingernails click against the smooth surface.
“Oh,” YN replies in surprise, looking behind her at the shelves only to see syrups for flavoring but no actual liquor bottles or draft taps to be seen, “A sprite?”
“Water, please,” Arthur adds as he rubs YN’s thigh, squeezing it in reassurance, “I forgot to tell you. No alcohol here. Everybody needs to be sober when playing.”
“That makes sense,” YN hums in agreement, never having actually thought about it much, but it could definitely get cloudy on consent when alcohol was being consumed in regards to playing which was a dangerous and unsafe mixture.
They sit, observed for a few minutes before a few people begin to flock towards them, greeting them and asking surface level questions until there’s a deep, almost eerie chime that echoes for a long moment through the club over the soft jazz.
It was signifying that the clock had struck ten.
Everyone quickly wraps up their conversations before moving to different areas of the rooms, some disappearing down hallways.
The atmosphere had changed significantly in a very quick spurt of time as people started undressing, kissing, moving as if they’d just gotten permission.
There was a couple of the couch across the room that Athur and YN were observing from their barstools.
The two started out slow, sensual, like any normal couple behind close doors but when the woman knots her hair into her partner’s hair and demands his mouth move lower, he obliges and Arthur gasps softly at the roughness displayed.
YN’s been aroused for the last five minutes of watching them but doesn’t make an effort to act on it, not yet atleast, and once the couple move so that the man is laying on the couch, the woman kneeling over his face, it changes her vantage point but it catches on something else.
In the corner, further back into the room, there was a man sitting in the corner where there was barely any lighting, dim and his goal was to obviously stay in the background.
No one was approaching him nor was he interacting with anyone else.
YN knew there was a no phone policy but this man was sat, scrolling boredly through his phone and only occasionally glancing up to observe the people in action around him before eyes dart back down like it wasn’t entertaining at all.
He wasn’t aroused, at least from what YN could see, and he was in a tight, well-fitted suit but his dress shirt was barely buttoned, open enough to show the definition of his pectoral muscles, the sharpness of his collarbones, and a variety of darkly inked tattoos.
He was fucking beautiful.
YN realizes she oogling him but can get away with it because it appears to Arthur that she’s still watching the couple like he is.
However, when the man looks up after a few moments once again, his eyes are instantly locked on YN.
She can’t tell what color they are from here but she knows they’re light, twinkling under the barely there light of a sconce on the wall and it’s smouldering as he doesn’t blink nor waver with embarrassment of being caught staring at her.
YN quickly diverted her eyes back to the couple, her heart was pounding, and a sense of thrill shot up her spine even though it was inappropriate.
She wasn’t here for new partners.
She was here to learn and explore with her own.
YN tries to play it casual when Raven refills the drink she nervously chugged, “Why does that guy have his phone?”
Raven’s eyes darted to the man before grinning, “That’s Harry. He’s the owner, my boss. He supervises the free play.”
“Free play?”
“Out in the common area, it’s considered free play. If you claim a room, you are in private play with whatever partners you bring back there. Harry just makes sure everything stays safe and consensual out here. He gets bored though and plays Candy Crush on his phone.”
YN cracks her own smile at that, trying to imagine the man trying to get rid of sugary sweets and getting frustrated when he loses a round.
“Does he not play?” Arthur asks curiously, now his attention has changed to Harry as well.
“Not often,” Raven informs them, leaning her elbow on the counter, “I can’t remember the last time he did. I’d say at least seven years ago, at least in the free play but he doesn’t reserve rooms or anything. He made it clear that he doesn’t find at least any of the current members interesting enough to engage with.”
“That’s interesting, considering he must have an interest in it, if this is his club,” Arthur replies to Raven before turning back to the scene of the couple, another member had joined the couple and was currently giving the male some startling rough looking bruised kisses and bites to his stomach and thighs.
Arthur was getting aroused by the look and feel of it, he reached over and brazenly took her hand, and led her to his groin where he was hard in his trousers, encouraging her to palm over him which she did as she tried to get into it.
This…This atmosphere, these people, they excited her.
Arthur still did not.
They manage to get to a couch, Arthur appears to be getting so turned on that foreplay isn’t in his realm of ideas because he’s hiking up YN’s dress around her hips and positioning her on top of him which is a new position (in all six years they’ve never done cowgirl) but still, her arousal is barely boiling above surface level.
YN licks her palm, reaching down to help moisten herself because Arthur was not doing anything to spark her to get wet.
It was actually making her more distressed that despite the scenario, she still didn’t feel the connection to her fiancé.
When she slides down, it’s fine, he was an average size so even without much lubrication, it didn’t feel like a stretch or burn when she started to move her hips but it wasn’t as pleasant as if she was sopping, dripping down her thighs.
Arthur glances to the side at one point, noticing that the male from the throuple was now pounding into the original partner with his had tight around her throat, pushing her further into the couch without mercy as she tried to whine through stutter breaths.
YN felt like she was being watched the entire time, which of course she was being watched by other members but it felt different, when she blinks around and notices that Harry has his gaze honed in on her with a twisted scowl of almost disapproval, it confuses her.
However, she’s brought back into the moment when Arthur pants out, “Can- I want to try that.”
When YN follows his gaze, he’s referring to the choking, and yeah, maybe that will light that match.
“Okay, yeah,” YN agrees as she brushes her hair off of her shoulders, wishing he would have taken this dress off of her instead of shoving it upwards where it felt confining.
Arthur smiles at her, leaning up to give her a chaste kiss which didn’t match their situation whatsoever that they were in at the moment.
YN was feeling anxious about the judgment other members might put onto them but not because she cared that people watched but because she knew Arthur and her were nowhere nearly as fluid, practiced, or elegant as the other members whom seemed to just melt into one another easily.
Arthur had never tried it before but his hand came up to her throat, he’s getting close to his own release which means that he’s not as focused, eyes getting a glazed over appearance.
YN soon realizes that he has no idea what he’s doing as he begins to cut off her airway by cupping her throat in the center instead of at the sides.
It hurts, she can’t breathe but not the way that feels tingly, excited, it feels like he could quite possibly suffocate her because of his carelessness.
They had talked about proper methods and he clearly hadn’t retained that information.
A few black dots begin to dance across her line of vision and her body starts to trigger a flight or fight response which she wants to use her safe word but she can’t speak.
YN takes to dig her nails into his hand but he doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not out of lust.
A true fear begins to take hold that something horrible will happen to her in less than a minute.
He’s truly going to injure her.
YN is in a full-fledged panic induced state.
Then suddenly, without warning, a strong arm is being wrapped around her middle and a big, ring-clad hand grips Arthur where it was around her neck so hard he yelps in pain and releases his grip.
The person is physically lifting YN off of Arthur’s lap, trying to steady her on her feet but they feel like jello and she feels light-headed, the room wouldn’t stop spinning.
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” The person’s voice is deep, raspy, and incredibly pissed off, “What the fuck is your problem?”
YN can’t even bring herself to look at Arthur right now, her full support into Harry’s side as she notices the two securities guards walking in.
“C’mon, let me sit you down. You’re okay but I want to check you out, alright? Yeah, c’mon, pet,” He encourages in a much softer tone, gentle and trying to comfort me as she struggles to catch her breath.
It takes a long second to realize that she’s crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, and fuck, she is so embarassed as every other member had stopped playing.
“We’re done for the night. We’ll re-open tomorrow at the normal hours of operation,” Harry announces to the room at large before looking to Raven, “Go close down the private rooms.”
Raven nods, no longer as smiley and bubbling but an expression of concern as she watches what’s going on with YN.
“Hey, darling. Can you tilt your head up?” Harry asks quietly once he sits her down in the same corner that he had been in, away from the group.
YN whines because her neck is aching, she doesn’t want to do anything as the drop in adrenaline has made her more exhausted than she’s felt in a long time.
“I know, I know,” Harry simpers in an unpredictably cooing tone, he taps his thumb on her chin to signal her to tilt it up and she obliges.
Harry prods gently at her neck, focusing on the center where the pressure has been, “Any sharp pains? Anything feel off or wrong like you need to go to the hospital?”
YN shakes her head, a fresh round of tears.
She knew that she wasn’t injured or seriously hurt.
YN felt more traumatized mentally than anything else.
“I need words, want to hear your pretty voice,” Harry orders in a honey sweet tone, eyes hyper-focused on her like they were in the beginning of the night.
His eyes were green.
Close to the accent color of the club.
“I’m okay,” YN manages to speak out, throat dry and scratchy.
Raven appears with a glass of water to hand to Harry before giving them their space again.
YN is about to reach for the glass but Harry is already moving it towards her lips for her, “Drink f’me.”
It’s strangely intimate as he tilts the glass, eyes watching her carefully and a sense of guilt sets in that she likes that Harry is tending to her, giving her his full attention.
“Is this a common occurrence? Between you two?”Harry doesn’t sound as kind anymore, his jaw muscle twitches slightly.
“Um, no. We came here to explore. I’m very much into this world and he isn’t. He’s told me he’s done his research in his free time but -“
“You’re telling me that you’ve never negotiated nor tried something like this and he full fledge tries choking?” Harry interrupts, outraged from where he stands up from squatting in front of her, “Did you ask or plan for that?”
YN shakes her head, a bit embarrassed that she was coming off as an amateur to someone…she felt an attraction to, felt intimidated by, and Arthur had ruined their experience here.
“No. We tried spanking a few times but he backed out. We were just supposed to come here to watch others so he could visual what all this looked like before putting it into action-“
Harry doesn’t let her finish as he storms away from her, his glare set right on Arthur who was sheepishly sitting back at the bar and nursing a drink as Raven talked to him.
YN’s heart rate starts to rise again when Arthur tenses, clearly being chewed out by Harry before her fiancé gets off his barstool and follows the club owners lead down the hallway.
YN rushes to the bar, Raven is already pouring her another sprite, “Calm down. He’s not going to hurt him or anything. They just need to have a discussion on whether or not Harry will revoke his membership.”
It feels ruined and it never even started.
All she can think about is that despite for a short amount of time she was getting what she asked from Arthur, there was still no god damn spark.
After a good half hour, the bar phone rings and Raven answers, murmuring a few words back into the receiver before having up.
“I’m going to take you back to his office now.”
++
Harry’s office was just as luxe, elegant as the rest of the club.
It was tense as soon as she stepped in the room and Raven left, closing the door behind her.
“I’ve decided not to revoke your joint membership after discussion with Arthur. However, there are contingencies if you would like to continue coming here. Are you willing to hear them? Arthur has already agreed to the terms.”
YN nods slowly, voice soft, “Yes.”
Harry keeps his face on her as he speaks, “I do not tolerate what happened here tonight in my club. Arthur has clearly proven that he isn’t educated enough to be able to have free access to the club and free play.”
“If you want to continue membership, Arthur will need to reserve a private room and lessons will be held until he fully grasps the concepts, displays understanding, and can play safely without supervision.”
“Who…Do you have instructors?” YN doesn’t think she wants another man involved in their sex life even in an educational aspect.
“Yes but I will be teaching the lessons,” Harry informs her, calm as ever, “I bring this up because I would need to be hands on, to demonstrate and display certain practice, power play dynamics but that is a lot to ask as I do not know your limits on sharing.”
YN’s speaking before she even realizes it, “Yes. We can do that.”
Harry’s lip quirks slightly before it disappears but it oddly enough seems like a reward.
“We can schedule. I will send the paperwork. I already have your questionnaires about hard limits, likes, dislikes, and willing to try. I want to make this clear, this will be purely educational and there will be no dynamic developing between me and you two.”
YN nods dumbly, at a loss for words because the mere thought of Harry domming her was a lick of a flame that she’d been missing so much.
“I will dom you with instructions interwoven for Arthur. We will try to keep everything minimal as I cannot stress enough that this is not anything but informative on my end to help improve your sex life as a couple.”
++
Three longs weeks pass before their first ‘lesson’.
Arthur voiced excitement about the instruction, never brought up the choking incident again, and never initiated any type of sex during this time either.
Everything was swept under the rug as usual in their relationship.
YN would never admit the fact that she had gotten herself off to the mere idea of Harry domming her because something about him had triggered something carnal, something near feral in her.
It’s more than she had even felt with Klein.
She knew it wouldn’t last forever but she was going to enjoy this to the best of her abilities.
++
YN only had excited nerves going into the night.
Harry had inquired more in the break of time about YN’s experience and was extremely pleased to realize that she wasn’t as much of a novice as he assumed.
Though she hadn’t experienced many partners or relationships within the community, her knowledge was expansive and deep enough to impress him.
Harry had texted her back with a simple message that had her core tingling enough that she had to rub her thighs together.
YN: Thank you for continuously checking in on my comfort and experience regarding these situations. I have many more concerns for Arthur as we’ve already discussed. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!
Harry Styles: I do not plan to go easy on you. Unless you specifically want soft play for these experiences. I can be a softer dominant but my main modality is firm, mean, regimented with softer aftercare.
YN: You don’t scare me. ;)
She was already being bratty with him.
It sent a wave of good nerves through her as she waited for a reply to be sent to her inbox.
Harry Styles: It’s interesting that you’ve already started to decide to be bad for me when you don’t even know what I’m capable of, darling.
YN : I’m shaking.
YN: Terrified.
Harry Styles: I wish I could wrap my fingers around your throat right now. Show your fiancé the proper way to choke a god damn brat.
YN could feel herself pooling with arousal.
It felt a bit wrong but she reasoned enough with herself that it was all for the greater good of her relationship with Arthur but deep down she knew that was bullshit.
YN: You’re probably not much better.
Harry Styles: Quite honestly, haven’t worked with such a fucking disobedient bitch in a long time. I cannot wait to break you. A kitten who thinks they’re a big bad tiger.
YN: Fuck you.
Harry Styles: Kitty’s got claws.
Harry Styles: For now…
It felt bordering on inappropriate but YN reasoned again that Harry had made it clear that there isn’t anything happening, it is a strictly professional as a type of situation like this can be.
++
Saturday has come and YN wakes up to a text.
Harry Styles: Better wear something cute enough that I find you interesting enough to play with. Even if it’s just to teach.
YN rereads the message quite a few times and why is he so good at getting under her skin and she doesn’t even know him yet but it’s like he knows exactly how to wind her up.
YN: Black dress with tights.
Harry Styles: It’s good to know that you’re just another basic bitch.
YN: What will you be wearing then?
Harry Styles: That’s none of your fucking business. I call the shots, kitty. Not you.
YN: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Harry Styles: Good to know. Five spanks for the five emojis. Would you like to keep going?
She can’t even help herself
YN: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Harry Styles: Noted.
YN wants to reply, knowing he’s probably waiting but a tiny sliver of guilt starts to creep in when she thinks about Arthur because though she’s trying to convince herself this is perfectly fine.
It’s not.
Not with the emotions it makes her feel.
She hasn’t felt them in so long.
It scares her.
“Sweetie pie, are you having second thoughts? Should be getting ready,” Arthur steps out of the walk-in closet, adjusting the sleeve of his button up.
“No!” YN replies much too quickly, her tone high pitch, “Um, I lost track of time. I’ll get ready now.”
“Okay, I’m excited for this new experience with you,” He smiles sweetly, stepping over to press a kiss to her forehead.
It’s affectionate, loving, and she’s still thinking of other things than her fiancé.
++
YN decides on a black wide leg trouser with a corseted bodysuit that gave her tits the perfect push-up, she’s spray a very thin most of body glitter on her chest, she knew it would sparkle in the dim lighting.
She considered wearing the dress and tights to spite him but whatever, she’d be less easy access for him.
++
Arthur held her hand tightly as they entered The Body Factory.
YN was already searching for Harry, barely waving to Raven as Arthur leads them over but she doesn’t want a drink, she wants to play.
However her fiancé guide her to a stool, ordering for both of them as Raven has a look of curiosity as she slides them in front of him.
“Does he come out and get us?” Arthur asks Raven, looking around he doesn’t see him either.
Raven bites her lip, shaking her head with a chuckle, “No, I take you to your reserved room when ten hits.”
“What is it?” YN asks, unable to read what is going on the bartender's mind.
This conversation didn’t seem particularly funny.
“Nothing really. Harry just hasn’t offered private lessons for at least eight or nine years. Normally when couples have an incident like you did, Harry revoked their memberships without a second thought,” Raven informs them as she picks at a spot on the smooth surface of the bar absentmindedly.
“Why us?” YN wonders out loud, why after all that time did he make an exception.
“I wish I knew,” The bartender shrugs neutrally.
++
The deep chime rings out about forty-five minutes later.
YN cannot decipher whether she wants to throw up or jump up and down with excitement.
Especially when Raven guides them down a long hallway, then into another corridor until they reach a door with a sign that warns, “No members past this point. Private access only.”
“Um-“ Arthur goes to point out the sign, he was a rule follower to his core.
“It’s Harry’s private playroom that members can’t use but again, this is special circumstances,” Raven’s voice is hushed as she leads them into a surprisingly minimal room.
There were cabinets built sleekly into the walls where all toys and accessories must be held, a matte black.
Everything matched but there was a bigger prominence of the green accents that were more subtle in the main areas.
The play bench hardware matches everything else but the cushion is a luxe emerald.
The bed was…unlike anything she had ever seen.
It was massive but fit well in the spacious room.
High posts on all four corners with subtle hooks to place restraints in.
The mattress looked fluffy and giving, it looked as if the sheets were a black silk but the duvet was a very muted pattern of black and green diamonds.
YN was in love with space.
It was so much more than she was expecting.
“Holy shit,” Arthur gapes at the elegance, clearly he had been expecting something different too.
“Okay, when Harry comes in, he will already be in the dom headspace and so he wants me to give you reminders. Harry will respect your hard limits as he’s reviewed them before the session. You have received a list of his so please do the same.”
“Just as you can safeword out at any time without consequences, Harry can as well. He will use the same ‘red’ if need be and will check your colors throughout to ensure safe play.”
“For this first lesson, Arthur you will sit and observe. Harry will display a safe, typical scene of play to understand what that looks like with whatever kind of submissive YN is. You may also use your safeword at any time to stop the play.”
YN swallows because would he allow that?
Surprisingly, Arthur’s face is still clear and happy as he starts to walk over to an overstuffed chair in the corner of the room and smiles at YN, “Can’t wait.”
YN raises a shocked eyebrow at his willingness but nods at Raven to show she understands.
++
They’re silent as they wait for Harry.
She wasn’t given instruction and because she was a bit nervous, she perched herself on Arthur’s lap as he rubbed her thigh and kissed her shoulder blades occasionally.
Then there’s a shuffle outside the door, the door knob twisting and the door opening.
Harry looked ethereal.
He wasn’t wearing a tailored suit like before but leather boots with a bit of a heel, form-fitting jeans that make his lean quads look biteable, and a plain black shirt.
His arms had even more beautiful ink than YN realized.
After Harry closes the door, his eyes lock on hers, not even acknowledging her fiancé’s presence.
“Stand up,” Harry orders loudly, a bit startling.
YN obeys instantly, her heart was pounding in her eardrums like waves of the choppy ocean.
A cruel smirk tilts on his lips when he scans her up and down.
“Did I strike a nerve, pet? This isn’t a black dress and tights. Are you already starting off so insecure? And you think you can handle me. What a cute, pathetic little kitten,” His voice is venomous, steady, and she’s clinging onto every word.
Arthur’s clearly confused but stays silent.
“I’m not pathetic,” YN argues shakily, it felt dangerous to get bratty so soon but it was her submissive profile and character, it came naturally.
Harry quirks a brow, “Sir.”
YN gives him her own confused look.
“I’m not pathetic, sir. Every time you speak, try again.”
“I’m not pathetic,” YN bleats easily, a flutter of her eyelashes.
Harry smiles like a goddamn wolf.
“Oh, you’re not? Let’s test that theory,” Harry draws as he takes a few steps backwards, towards the door, “Come to me.”
YN stands up, on wobbly legs, and begins to but is stopped in her tracks by his hard voice.
“Hands and knees. Crawl for me, I want to show your fiancé how pathetic you are for me,” Harry has a humor, an evil sense of it.
YN drops to her hands and knees, nearly panting already, and begins to move.
++
summary of triggering scene: YN’s fiance chokes her and though it’s completely consensual he doesn’t know what he’s doing and almost hurts her. YN cannot safeword out at the time but harry stops the scene.
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lains-reality · 1 year
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consciousness masterlist
this masterlist is for non dualism, spirituality and law of assumption posts that talk abt being consciousness. take what you resonate with! these posts are pretty much the most condensed ways to explain consciouness. of course words are limited, but this is a good starting point. ik nondualism and manifesting aren't really mixable, but loa posts explain consciousness pretty well & consciousness is the basis for both loa and nondualism
nondualism / advaita vedanta.
how to actually manifest & how it works - awarenessis.
the complete guide to nondualism - multiversebaddie
how to be awareness - 4dbarbie
the true you - 4dbarbie
i am that q&a pt1 - 4dbarbie
something important to know - starinparisdream
you are god - oneirosophist
right here, right now - oneirosophist
what is the 3d, how do i change it? - 4dbarbie
fully embrace who you are - awarenessis
nothing has ever stained your being - lainsreality
law of assumption
the true you - blushydior
original reality - lovilyy deactivated
you're already home - ndeyebaby
acceptance of your true power - starbursts777
the reason why you are limitless - multiversebaddie
you are inside your mind - aphroditeapprenticee
trying - heavenythea
fufill - reverieaa
I AM - aphroditeapprenticee
law and love - iivenusii
who are you? - thisdreamplace
spirituality
speak life - jh4l
shut up and listen - aspiritualwarrior
anon asks
what does it mean to be infinite - 4dbarbie
to make my life perfect ... - 4dbarbie
i feel like people don't understand - aphroditeaprenticee
the 3d and the 4d are the same - piercedblunt
self remembering - anonimus
lack and god - sexydreamgirl
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Note
Hihi! I went on anon cause my main blog is strictly sfw, but I promise I'm an adult(29). Anyways, I had this idea of Ascended Astarion teasing Tav/Reader in front of a mirror. He can't see himself, but loves the way Tav/Reader shudders under his touch and them getting more and more embarrassed because all they can see is themselves getting riled up by seemingly nothing, but when they look down, ofc they see his hands working magic across their body.
Lol ty for the clarification and ask! I've been needing some nsfw practice!
Ascended Astarion nsfw under the cut, 18 + warnings. Like this is not implied smut. It is smut, graphic. Possessive, obsessive, manipulative, bad vampire man who loves you. As much as he's capable of. Morally gray human Tav from the start to here. It's only downhill from here baby, m/f angle. But if that doesnt fufill the dream let me know and I can make a gender neutral/ gender nonspecfic no prob! And probably less intense too because this is angsty~~~
Like I went ham, this is a whole ass fic now💀
You frowned at yourself in the bedroom mirror, adjusting your hair for the umpteenth time. It still didn't look right, despite what felt like hours of practice that you'd put into the intricate style.
You sighed as let one of your braids fall down, dissatisfied with what you saw. You didn't exactly look the part of an all-powerful vampire's consort, or at least not with the company you've recently been keeping. But it turned out a significant part of taking over Baldur's Gate was trenched in politics, meetings, balls, social events created for the sole purpose of mind games.
It was exhausting, or at least it was for you. But Astarion seemed to take to it like a duck to water. This life suited him, one of power games and subterfuge, and more often than not, murder. Not that you minded. You were just happy that he was having fun. That he was finally free after all of those years of torment. Even if he was using that freedom for… less than savory ends.
But despite his goals, you had sworn to him that you would never stray. And you intended on making good on that promise.
You just wished that he didn't insist on you being there for all of his "business". You hadn't realized how literal he had been about the whole sitting in his lap plan. It had taken a half-hour conversation to even convince him that no, you would not be doing so in the nude. He still hadn't given up on convincing you off that plan, but you highly doubted that it would help with your current level of heightened insecurity.
Maybe you were worrying for no reason. It wasn't Astarion who made you feel out of place. Well… it was, but not because of anything he did. Just… who he had become. He was so different now, so much colder to everything and everyone but you. More calculating, less forgiving, and just perfect for working with the most dangerous individuals in the mortal plane.
You seemed to be the only living thing he could relax around anymore, the only person who could soften him. It was strange really. You used to remember his softer side, before the ritual. The way his heart would hurt for children and animals alike, despite his failed attempts to hide it. His soft spot for Karlach, those who were brave and brazen, always willing to do the right thing despite the risks. The kind smile he used to have, reserved for beautiful things like the sunrise, the sunset.
Gone, all of it. It was a fact that you didn't like to think about. What you both gave up, things could have been; there was no point to it anyway. It was over. You gave Astarion the choice, this is what came of that. So here you were, obsessing over your appearance in preparation for a meeting with a high-ranking devil.
How things had changed.
You had no idea if you would ever find a way to match up with the company he kept around these days. Maybe it was your own fault for surrounding yourself with otherworldly creatures, but it was hard not to feel inadequate.
It didn't help that whenever you even slightly alluded to that insecurity, Astarion was more than ready to remind you of your… "options".
"You can join us whenever you'd like my treasure," Astarion would say with a creeping grin, "Just one bite, and we can be sure you'll be mine forever. Would that be so bad?"
It was a tempting offer, one that you kept insisting on refusing. You loved Astarion more than anything. But… you wanted that love to stay your choice. An obligation you maintained of your own free will. It's not that you didn't trust him… but to be a spawn had too many implications for you to handle.
"What has you pouting sweet thing?"
You startled when hands suddenly settled on your hip, gripping through the thin fabric of your nightdress. You looked back, relaxing the slightest bit to see Astarion smiling down at you, amused at the fact he'd managed to sneak up on you through the mirror.
"You said you weren't going to do that anymore," You whined as you leaned back into him, your eyes turning back to the mirror. You could see the fabric of your slip indented under his hands, ghost-like without his actual image reflecting back.
"I lied," Astarion said simply, leaning down to breathe you in from the crook of your neck, "Now what are you thinking about pet? I can tell something's on your mind."
You bit your lip, debating for a moment if you should tell him or not. But it's not like he would let it drop, and he was way too good at being able to tell when you were lying. Might as well come clean.
You sighed, "I don't…I don't know if I'm cut out for this."
You expected him to huff at you, maybe even laugh. But instead, the grip he had on you tightened, hard enough to make you gasp. You could feel his fangs scraping against your delicate skin, scratching hard enough to cause pinpricks of blood to bead out.
"And why would you ever think a thing like that?" Astarion asked, his voice harsh and low, "Where else would you be if not by my side hm? Please, enlighten me."
You gulped, your heart rate starting to pick up. You hadn't meant it like that, "That's not what I meant-"
"Then what else could it have meant?" Astarion shot back, his hands digging into you, surely ready to leave finger-shaped bruises. Suddenly he was using that same grip to drag you backward to the bed, effortlessly settling you between his spread legs.
All while managing to still be right in sight of the mirror. You could feel your cheeks redden as his hands started to wander, unceremoniously tugging down the straps of your nightdress to reveal your chest. That was another thing about life after the ritual that had been a surprise, just how different Astarion's sex drive was. It's not like he was a prude before, far from it, but now he was insatiable. Always ready and willing to touch you whenever the urge struck him. Often enough for you to eventually come to the thrilling, if not slightly disturbed realization, that… he was training you. Training your body to always want his touch.
And tonight was no different. You could already feel yourself getting wet, and he had barely done anything yet. But then suddenly he was pinching your nipple harshly, hissing in your ear, "I expect an answer when I ask you a question darling."
You bit back a moan, trying to remember what you were even arguing about as he started to play with your breasts, "I-I didn't mean it like that. I just… I don't want to embarrass you."
It was humiliating to admit but it was true. Not many people of Astarion's caliber insisted on a singular lover. There were so many people after him now, people with more power, more beauty, and grace. You didn't match up. You couldn't.
"Nonsense," Astarion dismissed, his hands wandering down to tear off more of your clothing, "Look at you. You were made for this life. Made for me. You're gorgeous."
The compliments mixed with the harsh feeling of his hands ripping your nightdress in two was quite the experience. You could feel his own hardness pressing into your backside, twitching as he threw your ruined clothing to the side.
Then he was gripping your chin, forcing your head back up to stare into the mirror in front of you, "I said look."
You obeyed, eyes widening at what you saw. It was so strange to see yourself like this, fully exposed with your legs spread apart, flushed and panting. It nearly gave the illusion that your very image was what was causing the wetness between your legs, instead of the invisible man toying with you.
You swallowed, your throat dry as Astarion's hands wandered lower, a feather-light touch tracing up and down your slit, "You are everything. The sole reason that I'm the man I am today. There is nowhere else you should be than right here."
"But-" You gasped, your words interrupted by a sharp slap to your inner thigh. You could see your skin start to redden in the mirror, a perfect imprint left in it's wake.
"Darling, are you questioning my judgment? What on earth made you think that was a good idea?"
You frantically shook your head, moaning when his fingers delved deeper, playing with your slick folds, "I-I'm not. I didn't- I'm sorry."
You whined as he roughly pinched your clit, his other hand moving upward to do the same to your heaving chest.
He was starting to grind his hardness against you, a tease of more to come as he murmured in your ear, "There's my good girl. Was that so hard?"
You shook your head, gasping as he finally dipped his long fingers into your cunt. You were already so sensitive, humiliatingly close in a matter of minutes.
"So gorgeous," Astarion sighed, staring straight ahead to the sole image of you, whimpering as he finger-fucked your pussy, "So needy. Can you see how wet you are pet?"
You could, you were leaking around his fingers, that needy, intense feeling getting more and more intense by the moment. It was so embarrassing seeing yourself like this, enough so that you snapped your eyes shut.
A bad idea. Astarion tutted at you, landing another sudden and hard slap to your thigh, "None of that. I told you to look. Or else."
You snapped your eyes back open, watching yourself whimper and gasp as you were played with, the harsh movement of his hand jostling your breasts. You weren't going to last much longer, not with the image of you being taken apart, the feeling of him inside you, the mean edge to your love's words.
"You're such a silly little thing, aren't you?" Astarion growled, fucking you harder and faster. You were so close, but you weren't stupid enough to come without permission. Not after what he did the last time, "Doubting me. Do you really think I don't know what's best for you? What's best for us?"
"No," You whimpered, your hips arching backward to rub harder into his erection, "You're right, I-I'm yours. C-Can I come now? Please?"
"Beg me and maybe I'll think about it," Astarion meanly laughed, relishing in the gush of slick his harshness coaxed from between your legs, "Beg and apologize. Apologize for doubting us. For doubting me."
You could barely get the words out through your own gasps, tears prickling in the corner of your eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean it!"
"Good girl," Astarion huskily laughed, using a clever thumb to rub over your swollen clit, "Now tell me you love me."
"I love you," You said easily, meaning every word, "I love you more than anything.
"Tell me you'll never leave me. Ever."
There was something else behind that promise. An obvious implication that your fucked-out brain was too distracted to see.
"Never," You promised, reaching back for you him. You curled your fingers into his hair. pulling his head down to press his mouth against your throat. An open invitation, "I'll always be with you."
Astarion groaned against your skin, his fangs so close to piercing, "Precious pet, how could I ever want anything else? Come darling, you've earned it."
Then he was biting you, the brief flash of pain the perfect trigger for you to fall over the edge. You came with an embarrassingly high-pitched whine, slumping back into Astarion as he drank from your throat.
You looked as much of a mess as you felt, the stickiness between your thighs glistening in the light. You watched yourself, whimpering as Astarion slipped his fingers out. Just to tap them against your lips, forcing them into your mouth to suck on.
You moaned around them, light-headed as Astarion popped off of your throat. You sighed as he licked at the wound, enjoying the brief moment of rest. You weren't naive enough to think that you were done yet. Not when Astarion was still hard, his cock pulsing against you.
"See?" Astarion huskily laughed, licking the blood off of his lips while he played with your tongue, "You're perfect. Perfect and mine."
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macbethz · 5 months
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ok ive thought about it a bit and i dont like it. sorry. i think it fufills that kind of instant dopamine rush of pure spectacle and the idea of the doctor needing a fucking break is good but essentially splitting a fragment off of him to go have all that off-screen feels like wish fulfillment rather than good story. its also like. RUSSELL THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOUVE BROUGHT "SPLITTING DAVID TENNANT TO HAVE AN ORDINARY LIFE" TO CLASS. LIKE WE DID THIS BEFORE.
FUNDAMENTALLY the part that most upsets me about it is it feels motivated by the same nostalgic urge that bringing back DT had in the first place, which ended up being a decision I enjoyed but I still think is rooted in this fear of change and this avoidance of tragedy. Tragedy and sadness provide catharsis, they really do, and doctor who is a show about change. It feels...emotionally stunted, in a way. like RTD is giving us pool floaties because he doesn't trust us to swim in the deep end of the pool. Its the same cautiousness that I found particularly upsetting about Chibnals tenure, and the same cautiousness that motivates the endless steam of reboots under late capitalism.
I like to HOPE that this will be resolved in the near future just as I'm HOPING biregeneration will also be explained. At least we got to see Ncuti's ass
EDIT this post i made in 5 minutes intended for my mutuals has brought me nothing but misery. Please take a film class and listen to the new Suede album. thank you
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daydreaming-nerd · 2 months
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The Bonds That Break Us (Rhysand x Female! Reader) Part 2
Part 1 , Part 3 , Part 4, Part 5 , Part 6, Final Part
Request: "Would you do a Rhysand x fem!reader series? Maybe fem!reader is Rhysand's mate and Tamlin's sister? So secret love?"
AN: omg guys the love part 1 received has been so amazing. I seriously am so happy you're all loving this fic as much as me. As someone who hasn't written in so long it's been so fufilling to write this. Thank you for all the kind words. Please feel free to leave a comment! Hearing your guy's feedback is what motivates me to write!
Summary: It was almost as if the cauldron liked to play games, as if it had sensed years of boredom and predictability and begged to be entertained. Its method of absolving its melancholy? Mate the High Lord of the Night Court to the younger sister of the High Lord of Spring. 
Warnings (so far): SA, starting to get a little steamy
Word count: 2704
(all photos are from pinterest)
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The next morning I woke with a certain lightness to my step that I knew shouldn’t be there. My hands skimmed over the countless dresses looking for just the right one. All of the sudden I had started caring more about my appearance for council meetings. Deep down I know why. 
I meet my brother and Lucien in the foyer per usual, and I feel Lucien’s fiery gaze rake over the lavender chiffon draped over my body. I told myself that I had selected the revealing dress because of how hot the Day court was, but I think I had other motives backing my choice. 
The Day Court, like all other courts, was utterly beautiful. Large pillars stood all around and like the summer court it was entirely open air, allowing the sunlight and breeze to float into the room. I sit between Lucien and Tamlin at a large table with the other High Lord’s and nobility. My eyes scan the room for a hint of that violet that I dreamt about last night but I don’t find it. It isn’t until a few minutes later, when my skin starts buzzing, that the High Lord of Night steps into the room. His presence commending, his eyes immediately finding mine. 
I feel him pluck at the bond as if to say hello. After speaking to him through my mind for so long it was almost strange to see him in real life. Somehow he was always much more handsome in person. Like no matter how many times I tried to put together the image of his face at night it never compares to the sheer glory and presence of him. 
As Helion began speaking a voice crawled into my head. 
I’m glad you find me so glorious, darling.
“Shh you nosey High Lord. I’m trying to listen,” I silence him and to my  surprise he obliges.  
Helion talks on and on and of course there is arguing between Kallias and Beron as there usually is but I couldn’t begin to tell you what about. I spend the entire meeting noticing every move the High Lord of Night made. When he breathed, or flexed his hands, adjusted his spot on his seat. Whenever I felt his eyes sliding over to me I would do my best to evade them. 
See something you like? I look over to him and find his eyes smirking. 
“Yeah actually, Eris is looking especially delicious today,” I tease, I don’t break eye contact with him. 
He chuckles brushing off my comment. You’re a vision in purple mate, but if Lucien looks at your cleavage one more time I might just leap across the table and rip his only good eye out. 
“So violent,” I muse disapprovingly, looking towards where Kallias is speaking about potential war with Hybern.
I save my most brutal acts of violence for those who seek to harm you darling. My eyes flit back at him and a smile tugs at the corners of his lips as he averts his gaze back to Kallias. 
“Enough talk of war my friends, let us adjourn this meeting until next week.” Helion finally says, causing the rest of the council to let out a breath. 
Tamlin doesn’t say a word before he and Lucien stand and make a beeline to Tarquin, most likely to talk about problems we’ve been having on the border. I take it as my queue to walk around the Day Court’s terrace and I secretly hope that a certain High Lord follows me. 
The Day Court and the Summer Court are like twin sisters. Except the Day Court always felt like liquid gold. All around me I could see clouds and honeyed sunlight peeking through the them. The rays warmed my skin as I basked in them, leaning against one of the many large pillars. 
“I knew you’d look amazing in this light,” drawled that voice I had secretly wanted to hear. 
I glance over to find The High Lord admiring me, the light of the Day Court doing wonders for him as well. “You shouldn’t be here,” I say, trying to act like I mean it. 
“Yet you wanted me to follow you,” he smirks knowingly, slowly stepping towards me. 
“What makes you say that?” 
“This,” he says, pulling on the bond again. I take a sharp breath in and he chuckles. “I’ll never get tired of that reaction.”
“I really hate it when you do that,” I grumble. 
“No you don’t,” he muses using one arm to cage me into the pillar I’m leaning against. 
“Yes I do,” I affirm. His other hand lifts my chin to meet his stare. 
“No you don’t, you don’t hate anything about me. In fact you think I’m beautiful,” he smirks, somehow stepping even closer to me. “And, you want me to touch you right now, your skin is practically on fire for it.” 
“My Lord-” 
“I told you to call me Rhysand,” he cuts me off. I want to lie and tell him no, I want to push him away but I fear that even the action of me touching his chest, even for a moment, would be too much for me to bear. 
“Rhys,” I breathe out. Before I can even think his lips are on mine swallowing the breath that held his name, just like he promised.  
The kiss is hot and needy, built up from the last two weeks of torture. One of his hands finds my face while the other finds my waist. His frame presses me into the pillar behind me. I feel my body ignite in a way I didn’t know possible, I need him closer. I pull on the lapels of his jacket earning a low grumble from him. 
“Say it again,” he says between kisses. 
“Rhysand,” I moan, his name like a prayer on my lips. 
“Fuck,” he groans before sliding a hand down under my knee and hoisting it up to wrap around his waist. The slit in my dress parted for him, giving him full access to my bare leg. I feel his lips drag across my neck leaving opened mouth kisses on me. I practically come undone for him, the only thing keeping me upright are his hands and the pillar behind me. 
In the distance I can hear footsteps clicking across the floor, in a panic I winnow both of us further away. He breaks apart the kiss and gives me a bewildered look. 
“Sorry, someone was coming,” I say breathlessly. 
“Let them see,” he grins before stepping closer to me. I take a step back and he halts his movements, surprised. 
“We can’t, my brother will kill me, kill you.” I remind him. 
He lets out a chuckle like he’s completely unphased, “I promise you that I hold more power in my pinky than Tamilin does in his entire body.”  he boasts. 
“Still,” I start. “You’re the High Lord of the Night Court, his sworn enemy, my court's sworn enemy. Think of what they would say about me if the truth came out. What they would say about you. You’d be the monster who stole away the princess of spring.” I ramble. 
“I’ve been called a monster by those who know nothing but stories of me my whole life, what’s one more?” he states. 
“I’ve heard stories of your court, that it’s the part of Prythian where the most feared monsters and beings of our kind reside,” I say fearfully. I start to remember who he is. Not just a pretty face, but the High Lord of the Night Court. He’s dangerous, and he is a monster. 
“Part of that is true,” he affirms, and I can see a tinge of hurt in his eyes. 
“And the other part?” I ask on bated breath. 
“You’ll see soon enough mate,” he says. 
“My Lord we cannot be together,” I state firmly. 
“Back to formalities now are we?” he sighs. “I’ve waited 500 years to find my mate y/n, don’t think for one second that I’m going to stay away from you just because you’re afraid of that pathetic excuse for a brother.” 
“He’s not pathetic, he loves me!” I growl. 
“You don’t know half the things you think you do about your brother,” he sneered. 
As much as I hated to admit it he was right. Tamlin and I had never truly been close. We hardly ever did anything together. I always sensed a darkness in him that I couldn’t place. There was so much he simply refused to tell me just because I was a woman. But I couldn't bear that truth to Rhys, not when I needed his silence. 
“This conversation is over,” I huff before walking away, I feel him grasp my arm. 
“No darling it’s not,” Rhys says with frustration in his eyes. 
“Wanna bet?” I ask smugly before winnowing back to the Spring Court. 
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The next few days I don’t hear from Rhysand, and I don’t feel a tug on the bond. All of the sudden my life is filled with a sense of melancholy, I never had before. I had grown so used to his constant tugging on the bond or his remarks throughout my daily life that I felt a little empty without him.  
So empty that I now found myself nudging around the food on my plate at dinner. Lucien had been out with the emissary of the Summer Court fixing the problems on the border, which meant it was just me and Tamlin. 
We spend the whole meal in silence until he finally breaks it, “I have something I want to discuss with you,” he says, placing his napkin down on the table. 
“What is it?” I ask, starting to wonder if maybe he saw me and Rhysand the other day. 
“I’ve been talking with Beron Vanserra, and it seems that his eldest son Eris has taken a liking to you. We think it might be in the best interest of our two courts if you two were to marry.” he says casually, as if the words weren’t a huge punch to the gut. 
“What?” I breathe in disbelief. 
“Come on y/n this has always been our plan, to get you an advantageous marriage.” he reminds me, irritation laced in his voice. 
“Not my plan Tamlin, yours.” I seethe. “Eris is a viper, I won’t marry him.” 
“You’ll do as you're told and that’s final!” he screams slamming his fists down on the table making the silverware rattle. 
I leave my plate full of food on the table and get up. If I wasn’t hungry before I certainly am not now. I leave the dining room and make sure to slam the door on my way out. The halls of the palace were dark save for the moonlight drifting through the windows. My mind was a mess of Tamlin’s words, I was so angry I could hardly think beyond it. At the end of the hall there was a door and even from where I was I could see the doorknob turning. A head of red hair popped through the door and Lucien stumbled to close it.
 I kept my head down trying to avoid him but it was no use. The second he passed me his hands were on me shoving me into the nearest wall. 
“Hello my flower,” he slurred. 
“You’re drunk Lucien,” I pointed out, jerking my head away. 
“Yes I suppose I am, the emissary for the summer court knows how to celebrate. We went to a tavern after completing the job on the border to indulge in some women and maybe a few drinks,” he chuckled. 
“Yeah a few hundred drinks you fucking idiot,” I gripe trying to get out of his grasp but his hands only pin my wrists tighter.
“It was fun, but being around all those women made me long for my little flower,” he smiled drunkenly before kissing my neck. 
For months now he’s been doing this, stealing touches whenever he could, and kissing my neck like this when he was feeling really bold, or in this case, drunk. He never took it further than that though. Never kissing, never fully fucking me, and I think it’s because he knew that it would be where Tamilin drew the line. But tonight he was drunk, in a way I had never seen him before, and I wasn’t sure if the line that had held for so many months would be held now. 
“Get the fuck off me Lucien,” I growl trying to push him off again. 
He completely ignores me, “You know my dear I’ve let my hands wander every expanse of this magnificent body, but I have yet to taste you,” he says lowly. “I think I’m going to change that.” 
I don’t even get a chance to try and fight before his lips are on mine. He tastes like shitty whiskey and he smells like cheap perfume. It’s vile and it has me sick to my stomach. I find my opening to rip my lips off him and take it. 
“Lucien what the fuck!” I scream in his face. His eyes just go down to my heaving chest, where my breasts are pushed up high due to my corset. 
“And these,” he drawls before placing open mouth kisses on the peaks of my breasts. His hand lets go of my wrist and flies to my waist to pull me closer to him and I take the change of position as an opportunity to knee him between his legs. 
His knees hit the ground and I run down the hall towards my room. I slam and lock the door as fast as possible, barricading myself in with a chair. I pace back and forth trying to dispel the pent up adrenaline that’s inside of me but in the end I sink to my knees and start to cry. 
What happened?
That calming voice cleaves its way through my mind and it feels like a huge weight off my chest has been lifted. 
“It was Lucien he tried to…” I let my voice trail off not even wanting to finish the sentence. I know the High Lord of Night is at the complete other end of Prythian but I swear I feel the ground beneath me tremble. 
Did he? He asks, like he would winnow here right now and make due on his promise of ripping out his good eye. 
“No, I fought him off,” I assure him.
Are you safe? 
“As safe as I can be, I barricaded the door,”  I say, as my heart rate calms down. 
You shouldn’t have to live in a place where you have to barricade yourself in your room.
“Well I do so I’m handling it the best I can,” I gripe at him. I would gladly change the situation if I could but I can’t. There's a silence and I can feel him ruminating over my words as I crawl into bed. 
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said it like that. 
“It’s okay I understood what you meant,” I say pulling the covers up to my chin like they might protect me. 
And I’m sorry for what I said about Tamlin. I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you, he’s your brother, of course you’re going to defend him.
“It’s okay, maybe everything you said about Tamlin wasn’t entirely false,” I confess remembering the conversation that had me fleeing the dining room in the first place. 
What happened? 
A moment passes and I think about telling him. But saying it almost makes it real and I choose not to, “I’d rather not talk about it now. Too much has happened tonight,” I say
Alright we won’t then. I sense disappointment in his voice but I am happy that he respects my wishes. 
“Rhys?”I ask, and there’s a hesitation there. 
Yes darling? He purrs and I can hear him practically swooning at the fact that I said his name.
“I don’t wanna be alone, will you stay up with me?” I confess feeling like I’m baring my soul. 
Of course I will darling, all night if you want me to.
Taglist: @heyyitsnat21 , @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson , @randomperson1234sblog , @local-fangirl09 , @bleh-81 , @annaaaaa88
(I've never made a taglist so hopefully this works)
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pleaseletmecomehome · 5 months
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AN EFFORT AT A PLEADING
I'm not usually so directly vulnerable--but the time has come for me to make the most of my time on Earth and reach out to my fellow human beings in order to achieve what I long to;
I do believe God calls me to do this--and I don't know what will happen in the wake of sending this out into the interwebs--maybe nothing--maybe a lot--maybe my life and my spirtual outcome can be entirely changed--maybe I'll become a miracle.
Look, I don't have a way of explaining all of this, but the most important fact is that five or maybe six years ago--I met someone who was the messiah in a different reincarnation and I was meant to fufill a prophecy--doesn't matter the reason I was chosen or the prophecy went unfilled, but the prophecy was laid into place and I chose to ignore it and changed its path. After much dissernment, of course.
Anyway, I digress. I have recieved new instructions on the course of direction that the path is taking and I'm asking for help here--it is simple, I need good vibes, loving worship, witchcraft--whatever you've got--I need you to direct (at least a portion of it) at the Big Man Himself on my behalf.
I am waiting for an important sign, usually reserved for saints, or otherwise holy people. I am waiting to recieve the stigmata--it is part of a really complicated plan and honestly something I'm only a small piece of on a cosmic scale--for maybe, just maybe (if all the pieces fall into the right places) the saving of multiple universes or timelines...
Look the stigmata signals I have passed the test and the next phase may go down--and so, while, I don't normally wanna talk about the stuff outloud (or as it maybe online in a assumed username and a blog)--this crap is heavy, I understand that--but I'm not asking for anything but a few prayers, vibes, offerings, etc be thrown upstairs on my behalf--I'm doing my best here, but I really need help.
Anyway--do what you must or what you feel compelled to do to in order to let me be granted the stigmata--it might be the beginning of everything and it could save us all (not to be dramatic)--so please, just at least consider it when you see my post.
Thanks--D'ARC
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