#my grandma's also been bitching about my health. thats how i found out she's been withholding all my health information from me for years | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

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sunriseoverseauniverse-blog · 6 years

Photo

The world just chewed her up

And spat her out.

I always get myself into these situations

I’m just being honest here

It’s a classic feeling signature and behaviour of mine

No thanks to any of the people who twisted the knife

Yup, thats you grandma, and whoever ( the fuck ) else

Ooops using that fucking g word again

Trying to transfer the blame on someone else

My poetry is starting to suck

Cause it’s really just nicely placed words

Venting my timely swings

Into dark places...

Calling it:

I’ve had a full on fortnight

Sick, work, new job, money stress

Child not drinking or sleeping stress

All the usual suspects for an exhausted parent

Wait what the fuck I’m not a parent?

It’s really taxing being the one hearing the toddlers cries

Knowing that you aren’t the one with the milk tap breasts

The smells, genealogy and presence of their mother

That would calm that crying child in an instant...

Who is the only one they will eat for, drink for, sleep for... just about

I am a good stand in mother

But imagine having that much presence in another child’s life

Taking the pressure of trying to fill their needs

When you aren’t the one who was biologically tuned to do so

I love what I do

I really do and I would take this shit any day over any other work

But when they are crying for mum

Well, I’m just not their mum.

It’s okay

It just takes time to form bonds right?

If it didn’t it wouldn’t be right

You can’t hurry love... understanding... feeling comfortable with someone

Children need the love

Parents need the space from loving

Nanny’s need....

A BIG FUCK OFF COFFEE OKAY

Like, today would have been good. It used to be my little fluffy comforter, coffee

It still is my trusted friend

In small doses

I’m basically Lor

I like to believe I live in stars hollow.

We made a breakthrough today together

Me & the wee one year old cherub I care for

She is such a strong stubborn self lead little cherub

She just makes these screechy noises at me, trying to tell me stuff

I put her in the car, drove to the beach and around for ages

And then, holy shit, she fell asleep and STAYED asleep for 40 minutes

It was a christmas fucking miracle

It is the first fortnight I’ve been working

But some of those days have been mentally challenging

I came home with tears of joy whatever I don’t know

Tears of endurance of frustration of inadequacy for not having the right nipples

Tears about money stuff

Getting through

Feeling like I have some worth

Paying for my own health care appointments Whatever other plans I have made

Fighting back the tears

Again

The stress of all this change

Feeling for me

Cause it’s my job too

Can be full on, it seems

Lucy ran through the house with muddy paws this arvo

It was the icing on the cake

The cherry

Sarcastic but really she is my

Cherry

She came into my room just now

To give me a little snuggle

Probably saying mama thing I hate it when you cry

It’s cool baby badger

Crying is one of the many ways to release

I read a cool article on it today about the healing power

Of babies crying in the arms of a caring loving adult

It’s a healthy response

It is made to be held, seen, heard, recognised as valid

If your baby needs to cry, let it cry in your arms

It’s perfectly fucking healthy to cry

It’s WAY better if it can be done with someones presence

And I mean, just their conscious presence, approving, accepting

Being here with you

Especially for children

But I just do it alone mostly

Cause people tend to freak out with the water worx

Probably scared of their own displays of feelings

I’m used to it I’ve been doing it for years

I even used to tie up the door to the bathroom

Where I would be crying

From a very young age

Because we don’t have locks in our house

Because I was raised without being allowed valid boundaries

Lol fight me

I’m just being honest

Act like you got some sense

I’m sorry Mrs Jackson

I am for real

Okay there’s my humour coming back

I’m glad to be free to speak

That’s why I write things

I don’t care if anyone reads

But maybe they will and it will mean something

That’s cool too

The universe is a funky little pumpkn

Especially with the platform of technology

I can reference shit with an inbuilt link

Would have been handy for my essays back in the day

Look I just want to be able to meet my needs

Like every human should be able to do

That’s why I want to care for children

Help them get their needs met

I honestly get it, parenting is FULL ON

I get why kids grow up without their needs being met

Because not every one can mind read or translate screeching

But I feel like I’ve been raised to figure out how to MEET NEEDS

My own, and then others, children, whoever I can influence

In fulfilling ways really

I guess that’s the goal

To lead

Be my own

Wahine Toa

Filling my needs has meant money

Which has been a tool which I cast out of my shed

From a very young twisted age

When I was made to feel ashamed

For having money and choosing how to spend it

Thanks again to the dicks that taught me this

Is she still bitter about this or?

Lol, jokes make it better for five seconds

The story is long but in short basically I fucked it all up

When I bit my brothers ass cause he stole my toy

Which, yeah, fair enough, I fuck shit up if things are unfairly taken from me

Then my grandma who is dead now ( cool ) had forsaken me

Then would refuse to treat me well for the rest of my life

Neglect me and shit, ridicule me and instil the classic shame

For being my great self ya know

Barbaric really

Then write me poetry about how creative I am

Like, bitch please

You can’t unfuck with my life now you realised it was a dick move

Those bridges are burnt bitch

Wow, vent vent vent

Has to be said? Mmmm maybe in a less cunty way but that aint me today

So yeah money is a thing I am learning

Thanks to the past conditioning

It’s a universal blockage so I’m not half surprised

I would really love it in my life

So I can love and care for myself

So I don’t have to depend on people who can’t do that for me

Let alone, themselves right!?

Think we’re all learning this right?

So how do you learn to do money?

Well... find the energy that attracts it instead of repels it

Learn to use it wisely for future benefits

Learn to keep the river flowing constant abundance in and out

To you and through you

Hibernate in the winter, keep like squirrels collecting them nuts

Not just for the now time, for the winter

But if you collect too many and leave them to rot that’s not a flowing river

So it’s about learning the skills, how to use the tool for abundance

The dance with life we all are worthy of

How have I committed to this?

#1: Decide to stop doing shitty stressful jobs that don’t fulfil me and provide for me in equal abundance of energy exchanges, preferably looking for work with perks that I love and with downsides that I am not too bothered by.

( I decided upon home based one on one childcare because it’s a nurturing job for me and for the world in order to help people and help myself thrive )

#2: TRAIN OR GET EXPERIENCE OR PREFERABLY BOTH.

(I did my qualification in Nannying, it took 6 months and it was free, it was one of the best most nourishing fulfilling loving moments of my life so far, thank you)

#3: Get your foot in the door.

( for me, this meant, get an in between starting job which paved my way in order to look forward to and manifest the perfect job to begin my career with )

( it was part time, it was full on, it was amazing because it gave me experience and a reference, it was fun, it had some perks, it also sucked sometimes but it was the perfect launching point... )

#4: Get through the period of time where you may not be earning or you may be earning very little, before you find the perfect work conditions that give you what you are so worth earning in exchange in order to sustain and fulfil your life.

( yup, currently amidst this point, it is hard so hard at times for me, it is mentally consuming and emotionally breaking but it is the deep lesson about the squirrels collecting nuts for the winter... you need not so much that they will rot, you need just enough to get you through without meaning a period of starvation or you need to hiberate like bears. you just have to do whatever you can to get through this phase... its okay to ask for help, just ask people who you can trust to actually care about you and love you and support you, not people who have shown you that it’s conditional or that they actually can’t do this for you )

#5: Eventually, you will be in a cycle of river flowing freely and replenishing you all the time and life giving energy in abundance to you and through you. This is the place we all want to be with our work where we love what we do even on the hardest worst days and we are fulfilled with abundance in all areas of our lives, especially given equally abundant exchange of money to provide for our lives and our desires.

( I have found the job, the conditons are right, I am working through the moments of stress and I am most of all waiting on those steady free flowing river pay checks of abundance... don’t get me wrong, I also need to learn how to be best with my nuts so that is the next step. I just so hope I can do so this time around because I don’t want to go through periods of starvation of my needs when it is so taxing and mentally emotionally crappy... I suppose though all of those pent up feelings had to come out somehow because I wouldn’t have ever had money blocks if they didn’t exist. Purging the blockages from your system is all part of the transformation here. So, I guess, I’m glad to be deep in full learning )

I just wish to feel better

To rewrite the feelings signatures that were assigned to me

When I was just a young zero years baby

So I guess the path is set...

I’d like to see my needs met.

#needs #home based childcare #emotions #new job #feelings #stress #self expression #crying #baby #kids #vent #poetry #kind of #personal #music #squirrels #save for a rainy day #hibernate in winter #coffee please

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