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caranfindel · 2 years

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Fic: Episode 327 - KURTesy Shuttle

gen | about 2600 words | pg13 for language | characters: karen kilgariff, georgia hardstark, steven ray morris, sam winchester, dean winchester

synopsis: episode 2.17, Heart, as if it were discussed on the My Favorite Murder podcast.

This fic was inspired by two things: (1) a Tumblr post (which unfortunately I cannot find now) about Sam and Dean hearing about one of their own cases on a true crime podcast and realizing “hey that’s us!” and (b) At First I Was Afraid, a marvelous fic by @themegalosaurus in which we learn Sam listens to the My Favorite Murder podcast. Huge thanks to LJ user hells-half-acre for providing a likely timeline for this episode.

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[break for sponsors]

Karen: So, the case I’m doing is one that we had an email about. You know how we’ll pick a case and then we’ll see if anyone has sent in a hometown email about it? Well, this is that, but backward. A good friend of the victim sent this in as a hometown. And it was weird. And then Jay did some research and it got even weirder. So get ready for… the death of Madison Roberts.

Georgia: Weird, huh? Can’t wait.

Karen: Strap in, friend. My sources are… there’s an article in SFGate by Reese Williams, a San Francisco Examiner article by Elizabeth Aguilar, an LA Times article by Richard Wokowski, a Murderpedia article, and a very long and very insane thread on the Websleuths.com website.

Georgia: Insane by normal standards or insane by Websleuths.com standards?

Karen: Oh, honey. Just insane.

Georgia: [squeals]

Karen: Let’s go back to 2007. Madison Roberts is a 25-year-old legal assistant living in San Francisco. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s living her best life. I’m going to tell you — I’m not going to read the whole email, but I’m going to go ahead and tell you something that was in the email. According to her friend who wrote in, there are three guys in Madison’s life who, let’s say, have a crush on her. There’s her ex-boyfriend Kurt Mueller, there’s her boss Nate Mulligan, and there’s her neighbor, Glenn Dryden. Now, without hearing anything else, I want you to guess. If you thought one of these three guys would be accused of murdering Madison Roberts, who would it be?

Georgia: Ooooh! Well, normally I’d automatically go for the ex-boyfriend. But the fact that you’re asking this question makes me think it’s not him, so I’m going to say… the boss.

Karen: All right. Let’s see how that works out for you.

Georgia: Crap. I’m wrong, aren’t I? Just tell me I’m wrong.

Karen: I’m not telling you anything. Just wait. [laughs] In late January, Madison is viciously attacked by a mugger. This attack, according to the friend who emailed us, leads her to do some soul-searching that makes her decide to break up with her boyfriend Kurt, who then becomes her creepy ex-boyfriend. As they often do. Now fast forward about a month. It’s February 26, 2007. Madison, who also goes by Maddie, is out at a club with friends. Her boss, Nate the lawyer, approaches her at the club and claims he needs her to come back to the office to finish a project.

Georgia: A project.

Karen: Right. And for those of you who can’t see Georgia, which is everybody listening to this, she’s making air quotes. So, Nate makes a couple more lame attempts to get Maddie to leave with him, she brushes him off, and he leaves. Maddie and her friends laugh at him for being so very unsubtle, and all is well. However. Maddie’s friends report that she suddenly seems unsettled, and leaves soon afterward.

Georgia: Because of jerky Nate?

Karen: Well, let’s go back to the email from Maddie’s friend. She says Maddie told her a couple of days later that she left because she saw her creepy ex-boyfriend, Kurt Mueller, watching her at the club.

Georgia: Dammit. I should change my answer. It’s obviously the creepy ex.

Karen: All right. The next morning, Maddie shows up to work like normal. She goes to make coffee and notices something weird in Nate’s office. It is, in fact, Nate’s body.

Georgia: Oh! I feel bad for suspecting him now.

Karen: And not only is it Nate’s body, it’s Nate’s horribly mutilated body. According to the police report, it looks like he’s been attacked by a wild animal.

Georgia: Ooooh, shit! I feel extra bad.

Karen: Yeah, he may have been a jerk, but he probably didn’t deserve that. Anyway. Maddie’s employer says they sent her home for the rest of the week, because of the shock. This is on a Tuesday. On Thursday, Maddie calls the email friend and tells her she not only saw Kurt at the club Monday night, but she also saw him standing outside her apartment earlier that very day, Thursday, watching her.

Georgia: Okay, I knew it. The ex-boyfriend is the killer after all, isn’t he?

Karen: You… might want to put a pin in that for now.

Georgia: Oooooh, okay.

Karen: So, back to the email. This friend wanted to be anonymous, so here’s what our anonymous friend had to say: [reading email] “Maddie called me and said she saw Kurt hanging around outside her house. She said a couple of police detectives had been there, and she told them about him. But she didn’t want anyone at work to know, because he made a scene at her work once and almost got her fired, and she just really really hoped he wasn’t involved.”

Georgia: Red flags, man.

Karen: So many red flags. Now here’s something funny. I’m going back to the friend’s email. [reading email] “None of us liked Kurt. In fact, he was such an asshole that we used his name as a code word. When we were out somewhere and some guy tried to make a move on us, if he was really pushy or creepy we’d say doesn’t this guy look like your cousin Kurt? Or I wonder if our hotel has a KURT-esy shuttle. Using his name was a signal that meant get me away from this guy.”

Georgia: [laughing] KURT-esy shuttle! That’s genius.

Karen: Yes! You know a murderino would think of that. So the friend goes on to say that after Maddie broke up with Kurt, which was right after she got mugged, she thought this was hilarious and joined right in. All right. Back to the story. On Thursday, Maddie tells the friend that she’d seen Kurt outside her house, and she’d told the police. And then. Are you ready?

Georgia: Probably not.

Karen: Then. Thursday night. Kurt Mueller is murdered. And a policeman named Walter Jackson is also murdered outside of Kurt’s apartment building.

Georgia: Shit.

Karen: They were both mutilated, just like Nate. As if clawed to death by a wild animal.

Georgia: Shit!

Karen: Yes. Shit indeed!

Georgia: So it was the neighbor all along!

Karen: Well. Let’s keep going.

Georgia: [squeals] I have a feeling there’s a reason you haven’t mentioned the neighbor.

Karen: I’m. Um. Okay. [laughs] Maddie calls her friend the next evening, Friday evening. She tells her the police, the detectives, came back in the morning and told her Kurt had been killed. And they were concerned she might be the next victim, for obvious reasons, so one of them stayed with her all day, and was staying the night there. But! The friend said Maddie sounded kind of weird on the phone, and she thought maybe something wasn’t quite right, and maybe the cop was listening, so she used their code word and said “Oh, he’s a cop, like your cousin Kurt?”

Georgia: So smart.

Karen: Right? But she said Maddie laughed and said no, this wasn’t a Kurt situation at all. And in fact, the guy was super sweet and hot as hell and she’d been kind of hoping to, and I quote, “jump his bones,” but that he hadn’t caught on yet. Or wasn’t interested.

Georgia: [laughing] Maddie! You go, girl!

Karen: Yeah, girl! But the thing is, this conversation on Friday evening is the last time any of Maddie’s friends or family spoke to her.

Georgia: Oh. Oh no.

Karen: Yeah. So here are the facts about Madison’s murder. She was killed on the morning of Monday, March 5.

Georgia: By wild animals?

Karen: No. She was actually shot in the heart at point blank range.

Georgia: What the fuck?

Karen: Oh, wait. It gets better. So no, she wasn’t clawed like Nate or Glenn or Officer Jackson. However, her spare bedroom was covered in claw marks. The walls were gouged deeply, and I quote, “as if a wild animal were trying to escape.”

Georgia: What the actual fuck?

Karen: I know! But I’m not done. The other facts of the case are that one: she was found laying on the couch, as if she’d been gently placed there, wearing nothing but a man’s shirt, size extra large. Two: there were no signs of forced entry. Three: there were no defensive wounds or signs of a struggle. And four: a postmortem examination showed that she’d had intercourse within the last twelve hours, but there were no injuries consistent with sexual assault, so it was presumably consensual.

Georgia: She banged the hot cop!

Karen: Well, no. She did not bang a hot cop. And here’s why. Her friend was furious, and tells us in the email that she asked the police why they stopped watching over Maddie, and it turns out they never were watching her! He was not a cop!

Georgia: [gasps] Oh my god!!!

Karen: I know!

Georgia: He was lying!

Karen: Hot guys can lie! Who knew?

Georgia: I’m stunned. I’m literally stunned.

Karen: I know! But believe it or not, we’re not even done. Because remember Glenn? The neighbor?

Georgia: Oh, God, Glenn. He must have done it, right?

Karen: Well, no. Because it turns out Glenn had been murdered two days earlier.

Georgia: No!

Karen: He was found shot to death in an area called Hunter’s Point, which is, perhaps coincidentally but perhaps not, the same area where Maddie was when she was mugged a month before her murder.

Georgia: [muffled squealing noises]

Karen: I know, I know.

Georgia: You lied to me!

Karen: Well, technically, I didn’t say one of those guys killed her. I just asked who you would immediately suspect.

Georgia: Well, technically you’re full of shit. [laughs]

Karen: And technically I’m not done. And I’m going to go back to the friend’s email right now, because. Well, you’ll see. This is the email now. [reads] “I’m going to tell you something that wasn’t released to the media —“

Georgia: Which they do, to minimize false confessions —

Karen: [reads] “— but this case has gone cold, and it’s not being investigated, and I don’t think it’s going to hurt anything to let this out. And maybe it will bring more attention to Maddie’s murder. You might not believe me, but I was dating a police investigator for a while, and he swears this is true. Maddie and Glenn were both killed with…”

Karen: Are you ready?

Georgia: Yes!

Karen: [reads] “… with a silver bullet!”

Georgia: [gasps] THEY WERE MURDERED BY THE LONE RANGER?????

Karen: I KNOW!!!!!

Georgia: Are you serious?

Karen: Serious that they were murdered by the Lone Ranger? No. Serious that they were both shot with a silver bullet? Yes.

Georgia: What does this mean?

Karen: As far as the police are concerned, it means the murders of Maddie and Glenn are not related to the other murders. And Maddie knowing two of the three victims is just a coincidence. See, those of us who live, or lived, in San Francisco know Hunter’s Point is a little sketchy, a place where people go to buy drugs or meet up with sex workers, and it was thought that Glenn was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Georgia: Is that where young Karen Kilgariff went to buy drugs, back in the day?

Karen: [laughs] No, young Karen Kilgariff got all her drugs from her friends. Because she was smart and responsible.

Georgia: [laughs] I mean, that does sound so much more responsible than buying them from randos on the street.

Karen: Don’t do drugs, kids.

Georgia: Okay, so where do you even get silver bullets?

Karen: Believe it or not, there are actually a few cases of people being murdered with silver bullets each year, all across the United States. So, apparently someone sells them.

Georgia: Was it from the same gun?

Karen: Well, it turns out, silver is harder than lead, and silver bullets aren’t etched the way lead bullets are when they travel through a gun barrel. So the ballistics analysis was inconclusive.

Georgia: But why? Why a silver bullet? Why would you do that?

Karen: I don’t know. But I bet the internet knows. Steven? What does the internet say? [laughs] Look at him, he was already on it.

Steven: Okay, here’s what Wikipedia says: [reads]: “In folklore, a bullet cast from silver is often one of the few weapons that are effective against a werewolf or witch.”

Georgia: So they were witches!

Karen: Or werewolves.

Georgia: Or werewolves!

Karen: No, no, wait, this actually makes sense. Because there was a theory on Websleuths that Maddie had some kind of wild animal locked up in her apartment, in the room that looked like a wild animal had tried to claw its way out of it, and that she somehow trained this animal to attack people. Like, say, her annoying boss, her creepy ex, and a policeman who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. This theory was widely considered ridiculous. But…

Georgia: Oh my God. She could do that because she was a witch. She had a familiar! A wild familiar with big claws!

Karen: It makes so much sense now.

Georgia: And Glenn too? They were a little coven?

Karen: But if so, who killed them? And why?

Georgia: Was it the hot fake cop? Was he like a witch cop who had to stop them because they were evil witches? Oh my God, was he a Witcher?

Steven: That’s… that’s not what a Witcher is.

Georgia: Okay, I haven’t actually watched the show.

Karen: Oh, you should, it’s really good. And it’s got that guy I like, who was in that one British procedural, oh, you know… Steven? What’s that guy’s name?

Georgia: But is it a lot of sword fighting? You know I don’t like sword fighting.

Karen: I mean, not as much as Game of Thrones. But I think we’re getting away from the important thing, which is that there are witch cops who will take out bad witches who train wild animals to murder their victims. And that at least one of these witch cops is a hot guy.

Georgia: Now that sounds like a TV show I would watch.

Karen: But seriously. Seriously, the important thing is that the murders of Madison Roberts, Kurt Mueller, Nate Mulligan, Glenn Dryden, and Walter Jackson remain unsolved.

Georgia: What’s the official police take?

Karen: That the deaths of Madison and Glenn were unrelated to the deaths of the other three men, and their connections to Madison, other than the police officer who was really a police officer, were coincidental.

Georgia: That’s a hell of a coincidence.

Karen. You are exactly right. But that’s where it stands today.

Georgia: Wow. That was a ride. And I notice you called this the murder of Madison Roberts, when really there were a whole bunch of people who were murdered.

Karen: That’s true. Not to take away from any of the other murders, which are equally horrible. I just related it all to Madison because her friend is the one who sent in the hometown.

Georgia: And you wanted to make me look like an ass by guessing which one of those guys did it.

Karen: There may have been a little of that going on too. [laughs] So, if you have a hometown story about murder or witches —

Georgia: Or werewolves!

Karen: Or werewolves. Send it to [email protected]. And stay sexy.

Georgia: And don’t get murdered!

Both: Goodbye!

Georgia: Elvis, you want a cookie?

[Elvis meows]

[closing credits]

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Sam takes out his earbuds and sighs. It’s the kind of sigh he, for some reason, always thinks Dean won’t notice. The quiet little sigh that says “I’m disturbed about something but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You good?” Dean asks.

“Yeah.” Sam shoves his phone and earbuds into his pocket. “Just… kind of tired of podcasts right now.”

#my fic #spn #my favorite murder #2.17 #heart #probably only entertaining to me

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