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charmedreincarnation · 8 months

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I’m kind of in a similar situation to your college indecisiveness post bc I want to shift but never have the time cuz all this studying. I’m really hating life rn. I’ve tried shifting a few times and managed to detach my awareness from this reality for a few minutes at a time, so i know what works for me, but I never have time to do it. I feel kind of drained that I could be achieving so much but I’m stuck not even having the time cuz I’m not smart enough to get done with all this HW fast enough

TLDR how do I be cool like you and too smart for school to be a big concern? Do I just say f**k it and do a shifting attempt when I’m supposed to be studying?

This was such a sweet ask 😭😭💖 I'm overwhelmed by the sweetness of your words, and I assure you, I'm far from being as cool as you think. In fact, I found myself facing the very same dilemma in the past! Now, I'm not sure if you're looking for some wisdom from Loa or valuable studying tips, so ill share a little bit of both? Also college-related questions/asks have been pouring in lately, so I've decided to address them all right here. I should probably just make it a post but I’ll use this ask as a reference.

Pre law perspective:

So my senior year, was when I really started my journey. It was during this time that I learned about shifting and manifesting (kind of law of attraction) so I naturally attempted everyday and had my focus to that. However, I basically spiraled into burnout and indifference towards school. Tbh It's still a mystery to me how I managed to do fine in school when I basically stopped attending classes mentally and barely did my work.

I've always had ADHD, anxiety, and procrastination issues throughout my high school years, But senior year took it to a whole new level. The boredom and disconnection from my studies were unbearable. I went through the motions, completing my homework, but for classes I didn't enjoy, I mindlessly attended without caring or understanding the material. It was a year filled with academic mediocrity, and certain subjects like AP Calculus and AP Biology, which I didn't even need for my future plans, were absolute torture.

And at the time I didn’t even fully understand what shifting was, But I clung to the notion that school no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, I realize it was a detrimental mentality to have for my well being. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, it's this - find a balance. Avoid burning yourself out completely, but don't neglect your mental well-being either. You are still here, whether you're shifting or not, whether you’re god or not, and whether you're actively manifesting or not. Diving deeper into a negative mental well will not benefit you in any way. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

As my burnout intensified, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be alive in this boring ass reality. It became so severe that I almost didn't apply to college. My entire focus was consumed by shifting, and I simply didn't care about anything else. It was my friends who came to my rescue, pushing me to apply and offering unwavering support. Without their guidance and nurturing, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Eventually, I grew tired of being tired. I began diving into my subliminal journey, creating playlists that combined affirmations for school,success, and luck. I learned the importance of dividing my time wisely. During the second semester, I continued this approach, focusing on school-related practices during the day and dedicating my evenings to shifting attempts.

Affirmations and scripting became the root of my routine too. Miraculously, my grades improved, even when I skipped classes for an entire month or neglected to read the lectures.

I was able to graduate high school with honors, which in itself proves that success or whatever isn’t even just about being naturally "good at school." I worked smarter, not harder and knowing about manifesting really helped with that!

So I really advice you to find a balance in your journey. Don't pour all your energy into just school or just manifesting. Embrace the plethora of easy methods available - scripting, subliminals, binaural beats - and integrate them into your study routine. Make it work in your favor. Treat shifting like a cherished hobby, something that complements your academic pursuits rather than overshadowing them.

Also, set realistic standards for yourself. In high school, I used to obsess over achieving straight A's, disregarding any grade below perfection. Looking back, I realize how misplaced my priorities were. As long as you maintain a mix of A's, B's, and even a few C's, you'll be absolutely fine. Set a goal of achieving a GPA of 3.0 or whatever scale your institution uses, and celebrate every success along the way.

Loa perspective

Ok, now let's talk about the power of the Law of Assumption!

Now that I'm in a place where I give only about 20% of my time and effort to school and still do very well, I can help and reflect on my journey properly. Back in high school, like said I struggled with anxiety and ADHD, and I thought these challenges would hold me back.

Test-taking, deadlines, remembering information it all seemed overwhelming. But you know what helped me? Subliminals.

Listening to subliminals for intelligence and confidence made a significant difference in my life. They boosted my abilities and gave me the belief that I could excel academically. And that belief was everything.

As you probably know the Law of Assumption states that whatever we expect and assume to be true will become our reality. So, I decided to apply this principle to my studies. I assumed that I was capable of achieving great grades with ease. I assumed that school life would be manageable, and I would continuously improve my skills throughout the semester. I always visualized seeing As, revised my past grades, teacher giving me the grade I know I deserve no matter what.

And guess what? It worked! My mindset shifted towards greater productivity, and I started using my time more efficiently. As a result, my grades improved, and I had more time to focus on the things I genuinely enjoyed. It was a game-changer, and it accounted for about 70% of my success. Just imagine that - simply switching my mindset and accepting the positive results from my previous subliminal experiences.

I understand that college can be more stressful and demanding than high school. But it's still the same principle at play. You don't have to drastically change your study habits if you don't want to. Instead, use general resources during the day to aid your studying. And while you're at it, listen to subliminals that align with your goals. Instead of imagining and affirming to yourself that you're a failure and worrying about all the things that could go wrong, shift your focus. Imagine the grade you want, affirm and visualize that no matter what happens on your test, you'll still pass the class with flying colors. Remember, it's just one test, one assignment, and there are so many more opportunities ahead.

General school tips

* Stop checking your grades every day. Seriously, it's only stressing you out. Grades can fluctuate randomly, especially in college (and honestly, even in high school). Instead of obsessing over the numbers, focus on staying on top of your assignments. Keep up with your work, put in your best effort, and trust that alone will reflect in your grades.

* Say no to all-nighters. Trust me, reading the same material for 12 hours straight won't magically make you understand it. If something isn't clicking, it's probably an internal issue. There's no need to spend an entire night alone trying to grasp a single concept. Look for alternative resources like recap lessons on YouTube or seek help from a tutor or classmate. Remember, it's okay to acknowledge what doesn't come naturally to you and instead focus on your strengths.

* Realistically, doing your homework and attending class means you're probably not failing. Even if you're not getting the grade you want, it doesn't mean you're headed for failure. Those big tests that carry a significant weight in your grade may impact your GPA, but they don't define the trajectory of your life. Take a moment to reflect on all the times you thought a single grade would ruin everything, yet here you are, still alive and thriving. You've been through challenges before, and you're stronger than you think. Breathe, remind yourself that you're not alone in these thoughts and stresses, and keep pushing forward.

* Make friends and join class group chats. Trust me, these connections are gold. Joining group chats on platforms like GroupMe or Snapchat allows you to ask questions, collaborate on study guides, and realize that you're not alone in this journey. Even if they're not your closest friends, having a support system within your classes can make all the difference.

* Use EFT tapping for anxiety, especially before tests. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping is not only useful for Law purposes, but it can also work wonders for managing anxiety. Check out my pinned guide on how to use EFT tapping. It has personally helped me immensely, and I hope it does the same for you.

* Work smarter, not harder. The truth is, those who seem to breeze through school while partying every night still manage to graduate and pass just like everyone else. The key is finding shortcuts, utilizing the vast resources available on the internet, and working smarter, not harder. Embrace technology, explore online study tools, and leverage the power of the internet as your greatest friend in this journey.

Here are some free recourses:

Math and Science

1. MathMagic Lite: This app lets you write any mathematical expressions and various scientific symbols easily

2. Equatio: A powerful equation editor that makes it easy to create digital, accessible maths

3. Microsoft Mathematics: Can be used to write mathematical expressions, solve equations, and plot graphs

4. Desmos Scientific Calculator & Graphing Calculator: Utility apps for students and teachers for calculations and graph plotting

5. WolframAlpha: A computational search engine that can solve a wide variety of problems, especially useful for math and science

Article/Video Summarization

6. Smmry: A website that summarizes articles for you

7. TLDR This: A browser extension for quick article summarization

8. Inshorts: An app providing news in 60 words or less

9. Listenable: Converts articles into short audio files

Note-Taking

10. Evernote: A note-taking app where you can jot down thoughts, save things you find online, and even scan physical documents with your phone's camera

11. Microsoft OneNote: Allows for free-form information gathering and multi-user collaboration

12. Notion: An all-in-one workspace where you can write, plan, collaborate, and get organized

Concept Explanation

13. Khan Academy: Offers practice exercises, instructional videos, and a personalized learning dashboard that empower learners to study at their own pace in and outside of the classroom

14. Coursera: Provides universal access to the world’s best education, partnering with top universities and organizations to offer courses online

15. Complexly: A YouTube channel that produces a variety of educational content, including the series Crash Course which covers many different subjects in depth

16. citation machine: you never have to make source citations by yourself. This gives your both in test and citations for your essays and research.

Lastly I’m gonna put all the free resources most colleges offer for free!

Academic Resources

* Online Study Platforms: Websites such as Khan Academy, Coursera, and edX offer free or low-cost courses on a variety of subjects that can supplement your coursework.

* Academic Advising Centers: Most colleges have an academic advising center where students can get guidance on course selection, degree requirements, and academic planning.

* Writing Centers: Writing centers provide assistance with writing assignments, including proofreading, editing, and helping with citations.

* Library Research Databases: Your college library likely subscribes to a number of research databases (like JSTOR, EBSCO, and ProQuest) that can provide access to academic journals, books, and other resources.

2. Career Resources

* Career Centers: These centers offer career counseling, resume reviews, interview preparation, and job search assistance.

* Internship and Co-op Programs: Many colleges have programs that help students find internships or co-op positions in their field of interest.

* LinkedIn Learning: This platform offers courses on a variety of career-related topics, including networking, resume writing, and job interviewing.

3. Mental Health and Wellness Resources

* Counseling Centers: Most colleges offer free or low-cost mental health services to students, including individual therapy, group sessions, and workshops.

* Fitness Centers: Regular exercise is important for both physical and mental health. Most colleges have fitness centers that offer a variety of workout options.

* Mindfulness and Meditation Apps: Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided meditations that can help reduce stress and improve mental health.

4. Financial Aid Resources

* Financial Aid Office: Your college's financial aid office can provide information on scholarships, grants, work-study opportunities, and student loans.

* FAFSA: The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is the key to accessing federal financial aid, including grants, work-https://www.tumblr.com/charmedreincarnation/712878654521262080/everything-eft-tapping?source=share funds, and loans.

* Scholarship Search Engines: Websites like Fastweb and Scholarships.com can help you find scholarships that you may be eligible for.

Other questions I got

Q: How did you manifest graduating early?

A: Graduating early was always a desire deep within me. I didn't realize it was on track to manifest until I had a meeting with my advisor. Interestingly, when I found out it was happening, I wasn't as ecstatic as I thought I would be. It made me realize that desires can change as we grow and evolve. So, if something you once desired doesn't bring you the same joy anymore, it's perfectly okay. Life is all about evolving and embracing new desires.

Q: What affirmations do you use?

A: Since I had a multitude of desires in various aspects of my life, I found it tiring to have a separate affirmation for each one. So, I opted for general affirmations that encompassed all areas of my life. For example, I would affirm statements like "I am the luckiest person alive," "Everything works out my way," and "I always get my desires." These affirmations can be applied to all aspects of life, including school. The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you and create a positive mindset.

Q: How do you manage the law/shifting and school?

A: As I mentioned earlier, integration is the key! You don't have to view manifestation or shifting as something separate from your school life. Instead, incorporate these practices seamlessly into your daily routine. The goal is to make it a part of your lifestyle without feeling like it's an extra burden or sacrifice. For example, if a certain method, like wbtb lucid dreaming, is disrupting your sleep schedule, consider switching to other methods like subliminals or reality checks. You can still set intentions before going to bed, which will be effective without compromising your sleep. Find what works best for you and strike a balance between school, manifestation, and your mental health

Q: What to do if affirmations don’t work:

A:maybe you don’t think with words. I’m more of a visual person and will always believe and like images more than words. I would just imagine my grades always being an A. No matter what, no matter if I failed a test or forgot to submit a homework even if I failed everything I still got an A! If you don’t like to visualize then change your wording to how you naturally speak. Maybe you don’t even like affirmations, it’s really different for everyone.

Q:I don’t want to go to this college but I still have to apply, is that affecting living in the end:

A: nope I don’t think taking action or not taking action affects anything If you’re living in the end. Just because you apply doesn’t mean you’ll get in simply because you took the action. Do what you have to do it doesn’t matter if you’re living your 3D life but know imagination is your true reality. If you’re a billionaire and sleep in a homeless shelter that doesn’t take away from the fact you’re a billionaire. Who knows why you’re at a homeless shelter and who knows why you’re applying for college. It doesn’t dictate anything.

Q:I needed to get into the void before college but now I’m here without my dream life and I hate it. What do I do:

A: well it’s happened so take a deep breath. You can still master the void, in fact you already have you’re just being silly and want a funny humbling story. There is no better time than now to be delulu. When you’re trying to escape something and it passes accept it and make it your bitch tbh. honestly keeping busy definitely helped me in my journey anyways, but I did provide tips above so you have free time because you shouldn’t just be immersed in school. For example when I was poor, it was because I needed a humbling back story because no one likes people born into wealth. I’m assuming you still want to be in college, and yea, it’s just cool to have started from the bottom before you become that It girl. That’s your choice and your truth but now you’re done with being humble so go tap into the void.

Q: what’s your perspective on manifesting a perfect life. like nothing bad ever happens but also having a good life with just minor challenges (nothing too big) and I don’t wanna normalize suffering bc who wants to suffer?

A: ok this had a school ask but that was just the gist of it. anyways not that my opinion matters first and foremost. But I think that’s great. Who wants to suffer… exactly. You know I like being human, but I did not like my human experience before Loa. I do like challenges, I like growth, I like not being perfect, and I like being happy and getting what I want too! you can still have all those human aspects and manifest everything you desire. Mary Sues do don’t exist because humanity exists. Don’t worry about it. Your life won’t feel stagnant or unreal or something, I promise

Ok sorry this came out longer than I expected but I had a lot to say. I hope that answers all the asks I’ve been getting ! You all got this, college, your manifesting journey, your anxiety, all of it. All of your dreams & desires are within your reach (right in front of you !!!) so go for it and still live your best life <3!

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #my asks #void state #shiftblr #reality shifting #school #hot girl scholar 👩‍🏫#college

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theweasleytwinsownmyjuicyass · 11 months

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Shadows of doubt pt. 1

Pairing: Seokjin x f!reader

Genre: arranged marriage, angst, fluff, hurt to comfort.

Word count: 3.5K

A/n: I’m totally obsessed with arranged marriage trope rn 🫣🫣🫣 Comment if you want a part two!<3

Part two!

The day had started like any other, with you and Seokjin living separate lives under the same roof. It had been months since your arranged marriage, and while you both were busy with your respective companies, you had somehow managed to maintain a level of indifference towards each other. It didn't bother you much, as you had grown accustomed to the routine and had your own priorities to attend to.

But today was different.

Today, you were invited to a family lunch at one of the many upscale clubs, a customary gathering that required you and Seokjin to arrive together. However, as the appointed time neared, Seokjin was nowhere to be seen. Your messages and calls went unanswered, leaving you increasingly frustrated and worried. The anticipation and anxiety grew as you tried to reach out to him, but to no avail.

The atmosphere at the family lunch was far from comforting. Seokjin's brother's wife, always one for gossip, took the opportunity to talk you down. She whispered rumors in your ear, insinuating that Seokjin was sleeping around and didn't care for you. As much as you tried to brush off the malicious words, the absence of Seokjin and the unanswered calls only intensified your insecurity.

The lunch dragged on, with aunties constantly reminding you of your apparent inability to keep a man happy. Their comments stung, but you put on a brave face, determined not to let them see your vulnerability. Hours later, Seokjin finally arrived, his charming smile captivating everyone around him. Everyone. Except you.

Although having him near brought you comfort, as the presence of Seokjin acted as a shield against the blood-boiling gossip coming from the women around you. Their judgmental whispers and critical stares had been suffocating you for hours. But with Seokjin by your side, you felt a sense of reassurance and protection.

When it was time to bid farewell to the family, you and Seokjin walked out of the club together. As you made your way to the car, he finally spoke to you, breaking the silence that had persisted between you for months.

"I have to pick up my computer from the office, but I can call my driver for you if you wish to get home sooner," he offered, his eyes briefly locking with yours.

You took a moment to gather your thoughts before speaking.

"I'll just ride with you if that's alright," you said, your voice timid, but determined.

Seokjin lifted his head from his phone, his gaze meeting yours once more, and he gave you a dazzling smile. Opening the passenger's side door, he extended his hand, inviting you to join him.

You sat in the car, completely still, as Seokjin walked around to the driver's side. It was the first time you exchanged more than a simple greeting, and the tension in the air was palpable. As he pulled out onto the road, the weight on your shoulders became too much to bear. You couldn't keep it to yourself any longer.

"Never do this again," you spoke, the words escaping your lips with a mix of frustration and concern.

Seokjin sharply turned to you, a whirlwind of emotions in his eyes, but quickly refocused his attention on the road, remembering his duty as the driver. His eyes kept darting between the road and your still profile.

"What are you talking about? Did I do something wrong?" his voice trembled with uncertainty.

You hated that this was the first substantial conversation you were having with your husband, but you couldn't hold back any longer. It wasn't just about your feelings, it was about maintaining the appearance of a harmonious married couple, especially in high society.

"Never leave me like this, not knowing what's happening or where you are. I am your wife, and while I understand this is a marriage of convenience, we have an image to uphold for our families and society," you explained, your tone firm but not accusatory.

Seokjin's face turned a deep shade of red, embarrassment washing over him without fully understanding why.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n. I was caught up with a client at the office, and I couldn't leave earlier..." he trailed off, his voice filled with remorse.

Finally, you turned to face him, breaking your statue-like position.

"I understand that you're busy, but finding the time to return even one of my texts or calls to let me know you're occupied with a client would help me immensely. It's not just about me, it's about us," you said, your voice filled with a mix of frustration and longing for a connection.

Seokjin nodded earnestly, his eyes fixed on you as much as they could be while he drove.

"I'll never do that again, Y/n. You have my word," he assured you, his words carrying a hint of vulnerability. You returned your gaze to the window, feeling a mixture of relief and exhaustion from the emotional rollercoaster of the day.

As the car pulled into the driveway, you quickly exited and made your way back to your rooms. The moment your bed came into view, you face-planted onto it, releasing all the frustrations you had held in during the car ride.

"Gosh, he must think I'm an idiot," you mumbled into your pillow before sleep enveloped your exhausted mind.

...

The hours leading up to the ball felt like an eternity, with your eyes constantly shifting between the clock on the wall and the horrendous look book of designs presented to you by a potential client.

The meeting didn't go as planned, and the disappointment weighed heavily on your shoulders. Namjoon, ever the supportive colleague, escorted the client out, leaving you alone in the room.

"Is everything okay, boss?" Namjoon's deep voice broke the silence, bringing you back to reality. You sighed heavily, closing your eyes briefly to moisten them.

"Not really, Joon. I have a ball to attend this evening," you grumbled, the prospect of the social event dampening your spirits even further. Namjoon chuckled softly, a gesture that earned him a glare from you.

"I can come with you if you need a plus one," he suggested, a hint of care in his eyes. "Wouldn't be the first time for me."

You raised an eyebrow, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

"I have a plus one. I'm married to one, in case you forgot," you said, raising your hand to show him the emerald and gold band adorning your finger.

"It's just... I don't know how to act around him. We live together and are married, but we hardly speak to each other," you admitted, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

Namjoon stopped typing, fully turning his attention towards you.

"That doesn't sound like a happy marriage," he observed, concern etched on his face.

You sighed, your palms finding solace in tangling through your hair.

"I try, Namjoon. I really do. I'm always texting him about family gatherings and conventions we have to attend. But he rarely responds... Am I foolish for putting in the effort? I'm just trying to make this marriage work, but I often feel so alone in it," you confessed, the weight of your emotions bearing down on you.

"Well, then maybe it's time to stop caring if he doesn't," Namjoon suggested, his voice gentle but firm.

You looked at him, contemplating his words.

"I wish I could, but my mother would bite my head off if I dared to walk into the ball without him by my side," you said with a sigh.

"Maybe, for once, you should do as you wish and not just what your mother expects."

...

The evening arrived, and you attended the ball with Namjoon as your companion. Seokjin was already there, and his eyes caught sight of you and Namjoon walking in together. Your pale pink floor-length gown accentuated your beauty, but the sight of another man beside you twisted something inside Seokjin's stomach.

Seokjin's father also noticed your entrance and couldn't help but ask.

"Who is that man next to Y/n? Why isn't she arriving with you? Is something the matter between you two?"

"Everything is alright, Father. That's only her assistant," Seokjin replied, trying to mask the turmoil in his gaze.

His father scoffed, unimpressed by the explanation.

"One hell of an assistant, holding her like that," he muttered, his suspicion piqued. Seokjin's attention remained fixed on you and Namjoon, the rage building inside him.

Unable to contain his emotions any longer, Seokjin strode towards the two of you.

"Y/n, can I talk to you for a moment? Alone," he said, his gaze never leaving Namjoon.

"Please don't make a scene, Seokjin," you pleaded, hoping to avoid any unnecessary drama.

His anger and jealousy shifted momentarily to hurt as he turned to face you.

"Namjoon and I are here on behalf of our company. We have people to talk to," you said, your voice firm as you tugged Namjoon away with you.

Seokjin drowned his frustrations with a few shots of whiskey, but the word "our" suffocated him. You had never referred to anything belonging to both of you as "ours," yet you said it so effortlessly with Namjoon.

...

The night was a flurry of activity as you and Namjoon engaged in conversations with various interested individuals in the business world. As influential figures and potential partners approached, you showcased your expertise and passion, discussing potential collaborations and exchanging ideas. Namjoon, being your trusted assistant, seamlessly assisted you, adding valuable insights and effortlessly charming those around him.

You felt a sense of pride watching Namjoon interact with confidence and grace, his knowledge shining through in every conversation. His presence by your side not only alleviated some of the pressure but also brought a level of comfort that you hadn't anticipated. It was in these moments that you appreciated the support and camaraderie you shared, even if it was purely professional.

While your interactions with Namjoon were seamless, you couldn't help but notice the absence of Seokjin. As the evening progressed, his absence became more pronounced, amplifying the void between you and your husband. It was a stark reminder of the lack of communication and emotional connection that plagued your marriage.

Namjoon, ever perceptive, noticed the wistful longing in your eyes as you gazed at the dancing couples. Concern etched on his face, he gently approached you, his voice filled with genuine care.

"What's wrong, Y/N?" he asked, his tone gentle yet urging. He wanted you to confront your feelings, to acknowledge the void that had been growing within you.

You took a deep breath, appreciating Namjoon's willingness to listen.

"I miss love... I miss Seokjin..." you admitted softly, the words carrying the weight of your unspoken desires.

A knowing smile tugged at Namjoon's lips as he reassured you.

"I've noticed Seokjin does too, Y/N. He's been watching you the entire night, even when you weren't aware of it."

Surprise flickered across your face. You hadn't realized that Seokjin had been observing you, his gaze fixated on you amidst the crowd. It was a revelation that sparked a mix of hope and apprehension within you.

Namjoon's voice was filled with encouragement as he spoke.

"Y/N, he is your husband, and I believe he likes you more than you realize. I'm sure if you approach him and express your desire to dance, he won't pass up the opportunity, especially when you look as beautiful as you do tonight."

A blush crept onto your cheeks at his compliment, and a genuine smile graced your lips.

"Have I ever told you what a great friend you are, Joonie?"

Namjoon chuckled softly.

"Actions speak louder than words ever could. Now go, Y/N. Take a chance and talk to Seokjin. Trust me, it's worth it."

Though fear and uncertainty lingered in your heart, Namjoon's unwavering support provided the push you needed. With newfound determination, you straightened your posture and mustered the courage to approach Seokjin, who was engaged in conversation with the new investors.

As you weaved through the crowd, anticipation coursed through your veins. You hoped that Namjoon's observations were accurate, that Seokjin had been longing for a connection just as much as you had. The thought emboldened you, dispelling the doubts that threatened to hold you back.

Seokjin turned his head, his eyes meeting yours as you finally stood before him. A mix of surprise and warmth washed over his features, and you saw a flicker of recognition in his gaze. Without a word, you extended your hand, silently conveying your unspoken desire.

His eyes softened, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he took your hand in his.

Seokjin, understanding the significance of the moment, takes a moment to appreciate your beauty. His eyes trace the curves of your dress, the way it hugs your figure perfectly. He can't help but smile, realizing that he hasn't given you a proper compliment tonight.

"You look absolutely stunning, Y/N," he says, his voice filled with sincerity. "I can't believe I didn't say it sooner."

You can't help but giggle at his words, feeling warmth spread through your chest. His compliment feels genuine, and it sparks lightness in your heart that you hadn't felt in a long time. It's as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and you find yourself opening up to the possibility of a renewed connection.

Seokjin takes a step closer, his eyes locked on yours, as he musters the courage to ask, "How is your night going, Y/N?"

You share with him the excitement of the new interest you and Namjoon are receiving from other socialites. The conversations, the connections—it's all been invigorating, and you can't help but feel grateful for the opportunity.

Seokjin's smile widens as he congratulates you. "That's wonderful, Y/N. I'm so proud of you."

You shake your head, a playful smile tugging at your lips.

"No, Seokjin. It's all Namjoon. He's the main attraction tonight."

Seokjin's gaze intensifies as he stares at you intently.

"I'd dare to disagree," he says, his voice filled with a newfound conviction. "You've always been the one who captivates everyone's attention, including mine."

The sincerity in his words takes you by surprise, and your heart skips a beat. It's as if your heart is ready to open itself up with all of the vulnerability that has held you back for so long, now catalyzing the reaction.

...

With the bouquet of flowers sitting on your desk, their vibrant colors filling your office with a touch of beauty, Namjoon walks in and spots them. He smiles warmly and congratulates you on the surprise delivery. All you can do is smile back, your mind filled with Seokjin.

You've had many relationships filled with grand gestures and passionate love, but receiving flowers from your husband, even in the midst of your estranged relationship, feels like a sign of acceptance and a glimmer of hope.

As the workday comes to an end, you return home and notice Seokjin's shoes by the door. It's a rare sight these days, as your schedules often kept you apart. The thought of both of you being home simultaneously sparks a sense of anticipation within you.

A sense of unease washes over you when your cleaner pulls you aside with a concerned expression on her face. She shares with you that Seokjin had returned home earlier, appearing visibly upset and tired. She mentions that he seemed to be in a foul mood and advised you to be careful when approaching him.

A mix of worry and curiosity fills your mind as you thank the cleaner for her honesty. Deciding to seize the opportunity, you make two cups of tea, carefully selecting the blend that Seokjin has always favored. The comforting aroma fills the kitchen, reminding you of the first moments you shared in the past, when the two of you were still trying to appease each other.

Seokjin's gaze lifts from the papers on his desk as he sees you standing at the doorway of his study. A soft smile tugs at the corners of his lips as he adjusts his glasses, and you can't help but notice how handsome he looks with them.

"Hi," you greet him, your voice filled with a mixture of nervousness and hope. "I made you some tea."

A hint of surprise flickers across Seokjin's face before he sets aside his work and gestures for you to come in. "Well, do come in," he says warmly, his eyes never leaving yours.

You step into his study, the faint aroma of freshly brewed tea filling the air. Taking a few steps closer, you carefully place the cup in his hands, cautioning him to be careful as you remind him that it's hot.

Seokjin's fingers curl around the warm cup and he places it on the table, and he looks up at you, his gaze filled with a mix of gratitude and curiosity. "Thank you, Y/n. This is greatly appreciated."

You look around for a place to sit untill you find yourself wrapped in Seokjin's strong embrace, comfortably settled on his lap. The closeness between you ignites a flicker of familiarity and intimacy that you had been yearning for. As he relaxes against you, placing his head at the conjucture of your shoulder and neck, you feel a sense of warmth and security enveloping you.

As you run your fingers through Seokjin's hair, a sense of tenderness and understanding fills the air. You can feel the weight of his burdens slowly easing as he finds solace in your touch. The worries and stress of the outside world seem to fade away, leaving just the two of you in this quiet moment.

You continue to stroke his hair, your touch gentle and soothing. The rhythm of your movements becomes a silent lullaby, calming not only Seokjin but also bringing a sense of peace within yourself. The bond between you feels tangible, as if you're reminding each other of the love that exists beneath the surface.

After a while, Seokjin lifts his head slightly, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of gratitude and vulnerability.

"Thank you, Y/n," he whispers softly. "Having you here, reminding me that I'm not alone, it means more than words can express."

A gentle smile graces your lips as you lean in, pressing a tender kiss against Seokjin's forehead.

"You're never alone, Seokjin. I'm here for you, always."

Seokjin's arms tighten around you, embracing you with a renewed sense of warmth and affection.

"Seokjin, why don't you go to bed? You've been working so hard, and you deserve some rest." you gently suggest, feeling the weight of Seokjin's exhaustion.

Seokjin looks at you, his tired eyes softening with gratitude. He nods, realizing that he needs a break from the demanding world outside. Slowly, you both rise from his lap, your hands still intertwined, and make your way towards his bedroom.

“Stay with me tonight” he pleads you looking at you like you are only star in a dark night sky, his eyes almost filling with tears. You nod silently and give his hand a squeeze.

You slip under the covers beside Seokjin, keeping a safe distance as to not cross a line.

“Is it okay if I come closer?” his voice wavers and all you feel is full-hearted respect coming from him. You wished that you didn’t need to tip toe around each other but the truth was that there was a long way to go, but both of you were willing to get there.

Before he could move closer you curled up against his side your presence bringing a sense of calm and reassurance to Seokjin, melting away the stress and worries that have been weighing him down. The world outside fades into insignificance as you create a cocoon of tranquility within the confines of his bedroom.

Seokjin's tired eyes meet yours, reflecting a mix of gratitude, love, and vulnerability.

"Thank you, Y/n," he murmurs, his voice filled with sincerity. "You have no idea what having you here…my wife … means to me”

You smile tenderly, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"I know Seokjin.”

He places his hand gently on your cheek and softly kisses your forehead, lips soft as silk remind you of your wedding day and the first, and only, kiss you’ve shared.

As you both surrender to the embrace of sleep, the weight of the day dissipates, and a serene calm washes over you. Wrapped in the comfort of each other's presence, your minds drift into a realm of dreams and possibilities.

#bts #bts fic #bts x reader #bts angst #kim seokjin x reader #kim seokjin #seokjin x you #kim seokjin x y/n #arranged marriage #bts arranged marriage au #seokjin fanfic #bts seokjin #kim seokjin x you #bts fluff #seokjin fluff #comfort

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ae-neon · 6 months

Text

Attempting to sum up my feelings and thoughts on Deadhouse Gates

4.5/5

Non-Spoilers.

What a sequel. I thought Gardens of the Moon was probably the best thing I'd ever read but somehow Deadhouse Gates was better?? Like objectively speaking the writing leveled up but also the feel of the novel was more cohesive too.

I never quite understood what people meant when they said "the setting was its own character" but from Hissar to Raraku, Seven Cities feels so real and is ever relevant to the story. It colours the pages and actions and plot in its own hue. And Erikson's layers of history and culture add a visceral and powerful weight that deepens the stories set there.

I honestly don't think I can say I read this book. I experienced it, and what an experience it was. As the fans say, I have walked the Chain of Dogs.

Once again, there is no shortage of wonder (from a ghost ship operated by the dead to a city of people turned to stone) the fantasy is as high as ever - but Erikson forced me, again and again, down to earth with the best parts of this story being the study of humanity.

Any book this grim and especially in the current political climate could come off as unpleasant or flimsy if not downright distasteful, but Erikson has left me in awe, heartbroken and shaking my head at futility but somehow never feeling hopeless. He is not trying to be dark for the sake of being dark. He is showing you humanity in all its shades.

It is not lightly that I say this book shows the actual nuance of conflict, the only way it can be: through the individual human lens. It confronts these characters with their own bias, with hypocrisy, with betrayal, with being wrong and with the humanity of their enemies and the futility of their actions.

And the characters?? Good lord, I don't understand how Erikson can have such huge but distinct characters. Even the animals have personality! Moby, Apt, the Ghral horse and of course the Wickan dogs! Felisin, Coltaine and Icarium were the standouts for me though it would be unfair not to give Erikson props for the insanity that is Iskaral Pust.

Once again, my biggest gripe boil to Erikson not being good at developing romance.

All in all, Deadhouse Gates - from it's insane prologue to the very end is a once in a lifetime experience and even if I never picked up another Malazan book (literally reading MoI rn) I would still be happy I got this far. If GoTM were not needed for context and a general understanding of Erikson's style, I would recommend Deadhouse Gates even to those who have no interest in Malazan.

Spoilers

Coltaine, Kulp and Lorn. Erikson has me 3 for 3 on killing my favourite characters. At least my Coastal Marines seem to be fine.

How so many can read this book and hate Felisin has me disappointed but not surprised. Not only was she completely valid in her feelings, but she was also hilarious in her jabs. It's so sad that one of the first memories transmitted to Felisin from Sha'ik is the implied sexual assualt at the hands of the man who raised her. And there's something so bittersweet about Sha'ik Reborn giving the name Felisin to her daughter in hopes that the girl she was and the girl she has will fair better than Felisin Paran did.

The Chain of Dogs will stay with me always. As a person who lives in the Global South/Third World and was born only 3 years into my country's independence, fear of civil unrest, war and general collapse of law and order have been very real fears in my life. I tend to stray away from documentaries and movies centered around these topics because of the anxiety it creates in me.

But Erikson never took things too far, he was blunt and honest in his portrayals - though I will say I wish we had seen more of Seven Cities natives who objected to violence and sexual assault especially as tools of war. I know that these things often happen but the same is true of objection, of restraint, of a want to see justice play out in a more lawful way.

Again, I am saying this as someone who was born into a newly independent country, so much of the immediate aftermath was trials in which families got lawful justice and acknowledgement of the wrong done to them and their loved ones under the former regime.

I am glad we got the nuance of Duiker and Kalam being natives who align more with the Empire - their reasoning is well done, nuanced and even more amazing when, in Kalam's case, he must face the possibility of viewing the Empire in a gold haze or rose-tinted glasses.

On the topic of Kalam, I will be honest and say my like of Kalam and Ben as a duo might have skewed my initial reading of Kalam and Minala's interactions, but I have never and will never be the type of person who villainizes or dislikes a female character for "coming in between" the relationship of two male characters.

I want to make it clear that I don't dislike Minala at all. However, Erikson has failed, once again, to make me believe in this romance. I don't buy Minala leaving her sister in the middle of life-changing rebellion to follow a man she barely communicated and connected with. Especially so soon after escaping her abusive husband's grasp which she only endured because it benefitted her sister.

Pearl had better chemistry with Lostara, hell, he had better chemistry with Kalam as Salk Elan than Kalam and Minala had. It would have been more believable to have Kalam stay and raise Shadowthrone's child army as a sort of repayment to Apt and Panek.

Speaking of, I always knew Kellanved/Shadowthrone was a bit...off...just from the stories he's heard but it's another thing entire to see Cotillion have doubts. VERY INTERESTING.

The Wickans piqued my interest from the moment they stopped the Red Blades at the docks but Coltaine and Bult speaking up in favour of Laseen had me instantly on their side as I never appreciated the nostalgic, boys club view that so many of our veterans had of the Laseen v Kellanved story. I always believed she would at least be fleshed out. And when Erikson had Chalice dash Crokus' idealised dreams and Murillio see the hollowness in his victory and the humanity in Simtal at the end of GotM, I knew he wasn't going to be the type of author to give us hollow, one note female characters.

Fid, Crokus and Apsalar - my darling family, also verrrry interesting that Fiddler returned to Seven Cities instead of Genabackis

Seeing as the title of the next book is Memories of Ice, I was immediately entrigued by the glimpses of Jaghut and Imass history we got. I LOVED Lorn and Tool in GotM so getting more on the T'lan Imass but especially on otataral was such a treat.

I was, in some ways, mentally prepared for Coltaine to die as part of him being this larger-than-life figure and inevitable tragic hero BUT I will never forgive Erikson for Kulp WHYYY

I cried through Mappo's confession to Icarium but I was already bawling at Duiker leaving the remains of the 7th behind to see the refugees to Aren. I took a ten minute break from reading after the gates closed, thinking that was the end of it. But Erikson had more in store for me and I was almost as wrecked by grief as Nil and Nether at end of chapter 21 and I set the book down for a day and half, once again foolishly thinking that was the end.

Malazan fans say "you walked the Chain of Dogs" but, tbh, it dog-walked me, I was wrecked.

I love how everyone in the book and even me in this rambling review, completely brush past Heboric pulling Fener onto the mortal plain. I found otataral interesting just from Lorn's sword but this has brought me a million questions

#malazan #deadhouse gates #malazan book of the fallen

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instexcamera · 18 days

Text

Mayoi Milk

Mayoi Ayase x GN!reader

Warnings: You literally drink milk from Mayois tits and theres nipple play

Authors note: wowzers, I resurrected from my brunt out death to write lactating Mayoi! Can't wait to disappear again until May (hopefully not) or something. Also this is so shitty because I wrote it hella tired and wanting to finish it because I've been working on it for 2 weeks so the endings rushed. I was in a funk and the request I was writing I just wasn't fucking with so I started this and then, the studying hit so I had to rush it to finish. Anyways I still have requests, they have not been forgotten I'm just hella tired and busy rn with no motivation they will be done. Eventually.

Word count: 2k

18+ after this point

"Are you sure it'll work? Even if it does, why would you want to? My milk isn't even good! It'll taste all disgusting and you'll hate it! I know you will, you'll end up spitting it out and thinking I'm such a tainted being that it's affecting the flavor!" Mayoi frantically says all this as you slide yourself onto his lap. You hated hearing him talk about himself like this, especially since this had been your idea. He took your silence as an agreement to his words and he hurriedly covered his face with his hands as his body started to shake a little. You sigh as you watch him, he always lets his anxieties win over the more rational part of him but you loved him all the same. Enveloping him in your arms, holding his trembling frame close. The position was a little uncomfortable with your knees digging harshly into the soft mattress below you but calming Mayoi was a priority.

Resting your chin on his head as you close your eyes, the faint scent of the grape shampoo he uses invading your senses. Bringing one hand up to card through his silky purple hair. Your other hand rubs his back in soothing circles trying your best to calm him. It seems to work as you can feel him relax in your hold his shaking slowly coming to a stop. Another moment like that with him and you speak. "It's fine if it doesn't work, your body's not meant to do this. And I don't care about the taste, all that matters is that it's from you, something you made specifically for me right? I'll enjoy it either way." Mayoi doesn't respond right away but eventually you can feel him pushing against your chest wanting free of your embrace.

His face is flushed a light red which spreads down his neck and to his chest however his shirt prevents your eyes from roaming too far. Mayois' face still looks a tad embarrassed but he has a relieved glint in his sky blue eyes. "Maybe you're right. You won't get upset when you learn it has a disgusting flavor? Something from an impure being like myself isn't going to taste good." You sigh before once again responding with nos and you won't get upset if it tastes horrible. The uncomfortable sensation of your legs going numb from your position makes itself known when you shift. Along with it you could feel something poking into your inner thigh. Moving ever so slightly to position yourself right above it, grinding down and studying Mayois reaction.

His face turns a darker shade of red as his eyes close, a high pitched whine leaving him. Stopping as soon as you had started, feeling Mayoi unconsciously buck his hips up to chase the friction. Unfortunately for him you were already shifting into a different position. Using his shoulders as leverage you maneuver your legs from the cramped position they were in to outstretched, almost hanging off the side of the bed. This new position had you lower than before, level right where you wanted, directly in front of Mayois chest. A high pitched eek comes from above you as Mayois body jolts under you. When you look up he had his signature anxious expression on but it was quickly turning into one of anticipation.

He looked so beautiful to you, the dim light of the room illuminating his face perfectly. When you make no move to look away Mayoi nervously fidgets with his fingers, twisting them until it seems they might break. "Sor-Sorry. Why are you just staring at me like th-that? Did I do something? Did you realize how disgusting I am!" Realizing your mistake you take his hands in yours wanting to stop his movements before he accidentally hurts himself. "No, I was just admiring how pretty you are. Can I not do that? I can't wait to see how much more beautiful you look when you're in my mouth." He doesn't say anything. Eyes darting away to look somewhere in the distance, his body relaxing under you. When you're sure he won't go back to fidgeting with his fingers you let them go, watching as they fall onto the bed sheets with a muted thud.

When you can tell he's completely relaxed you slide your hands to the second button on his shirt. He always kept the first one, which was directly under his chin, unbuttoned. It was always a tease whenever you saw him. You could always catch a glimpse of the pale, smooth skin but nothing more. Always wanting to bite and kiss into it, leaving marks for anyone to see and know Mayoi was claimed. However today wasn't for that, reluctantly watching as more of his flushed skin is revealed when the button pops open. Moving down to the one under it, fumbling with it a bit as your excitement to finally taste Mayoi grows. The button keeps slipping in your grasp, not wanting to go through the small hole keeping it connected to the other side of his shirt. The more you fumble with it the higher your annoyance gets and in a second Mayois pushed your hand away, undoing it himself. He opens it easily and when you chance a glance up at him his eyes are concentrated on his shirt. He doesn't stop with just that one, he goes ahead and undoes all of them for you.

When all of the buttons had successfully been undone his shirt fell open, the white fabric framing his chest perfectly. Whenever he bared himself like this you always took a moment to admire him hoping it would help with his self-esteem but also so you could just freely appreciate how pretty he is. Finally able to see just how far the red flush traveled down his torso, stopping just before his stomach. His ribs are slightly visible as his chest rises and falls rapidly as he breathes. His nipples are small and pink looking the same as they always do, neither of them swollen or dripping milk like you wanted. That would soon be changed though as you place a hand on his stomach, giggling at the way he twitches under your touch. When you press down you could feel the hard tone of his muscles, he may not show it but being an idol he's developed some which always surprised you when you felt them. Small whines leave him at the sensation, Mayoi was always sensitive just like today, maybe even more so due to the hormones he had taken.

His body warms as you slowly slide your hands up the sensitive skin. When your fingers catch on his nipples Mayoi yelps. His hands hurriedly covering his mouth, face a dark red. "Oh? Does this feel better than normal? Usually your reactions aren't this intense?" He nods and doesn't chance a verbal response, too afraid he'd make an embarrassing noise like he hasn't already in the past. Stopping your hands completely, resting them right above his nipples and he looks down at you with glistening eyes. "Why-why'd you stop? I-" He had lowered his hands so he could get the words out and you grab onto them, pulling them back down to rest behind him on the bed. Mayoi lets out a high pitched squeal but doesn't attempt to put his hands back.

"Good boy." The praise escapes unconsciously. He groans and his hard-on once again makes itself known as it twitches in its confines under you. Your hands move back to his nipples, squeezing and massaging the small nubs, attempting to make them swell. "You liked that? Being told you're a good boy? The way your pathetic body is acting I think you did. So why don't you continue being a good boy for me and let out all your delicious milk?" Mayois' only response is a nod of his head as his eyes fall close, relishing in your praises and the sensation of your hands on his chest.

Fingers massaging and pulling on his nipples. This goes on a for a while until they're puffed up and bright red. Frustration and annoyance starts to worm itself into your head, nothing was happening, his chest was staying the same and milk wasn't starting to slowly come out. Mayoi hadn't even made a remark the whole time you've been toying with him, only groaning and sometimes watching you with lidded eyes. Your annoyance was starting to get the better of you as you pinch a little bit too hard on his already swollen nub, feeling him jolt and let out a relatively loud whine.

"I'm sorry love. Did that hurt? Just a little more and I know it'll start coming out." Truthfully you didn't actually know but you didn't want to give up on him. You thought his flush chest looked a little bit bigger but that could just be from your ministrations. Cupping your hands to the best of your ability, rubbing onto both of his nipples and gently applying pressure is when Mayoi finally says something. "May-maybe we should just stop, I-I don't think I'll produce an-anything. I'm too hrk-" He cuts off, eyes squeezing shut at another harsh squeeze to his swollen nipples. This time however, is different. Something warm and milky white dribbles onto your fingers, the liquid dripping down slowly.

Pinching the small nub again, watching as more flows out silently. Mayoi had even stopped squirming under you. In a second you latched your lips onto him letting the fluid freely flow into your mouth. The taste wasn't what you expected. It was a creamy sort of texture, thick on your tongue. The flavor is a sweet vanilla, of course a pretty boy like Mayoi would have a taste befitting of him. When you don't pull off Mayois body seems to release all the unknown tension he had seemed to hold. Eyes closing as one of your hands sneaks up to his back, rubbing small circles on it as you continue sucking at his chest. Rolling it between your lips in an attempt to have more squirt out. Other hand pulling at his other nipple still, feeling the liquid roll down your hand and arm. You wanted to get all you could out of this one before moving on to the other.

The more you continue licking and sucking on him the more he starts to squirm. When your teeth accidentally graze against the sensitive nub his back arches, successfully forcing his chest farther into your face. He was making small whimpers and moans every few seconds. The longer you go on the louder he gets, eventually settling on wrapping his hands around your body, pressing you further into him. Whenever the milk comes to a stop you open your eyes just the smallest bit. The view of Mayoi above you is absolutely beautiful, purple hair tickling your face as his eyes are scrunched shut, body bent over in an attempt to press himself closer to you.

The milk had come to a stop, you had managed to drink all he had to offer. From the excessive amount of liquid running down your lower hand, and how the liquid was slowly stopping you figured he his body had given all it could. Dropping your hand away, slowly pulling yourself from out of his hold as you sit up. When he feels what's happening he sits up, face still that deep red at what had occurred as he watches you lift up your milk covered hand and lick off all the dripping excess. You could only guess how you looked to him, milk coating your lips and running down your chin, licking it off your hand.

"Wa-was it good." Mayoi nervously starts to fiddle with his braid, avoiding your eyes. Even after all that he was still anxious about the taste. "It was lovely. Thank you for the excellent meal Mayoi."

#enstars smut #ensemble stars smut #mayoi ayase smut #mayoi ayase x reader smut #mayoi ayase x reader

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totally-not-artie4 · 22 days

Text

Tw: Religion and $|-|

READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING, PLEASE I DONT WANNA TRIGGER ANYONE

Soooo I had a liiittle tiny r€|4p$3 but it's okay !!! It's ok because it was for good cause !!

I had a baaaad b|nge day today, so I've decided to 'purify' myself by letting out a bit of b|00d.

I made ONLY 1 cvt and it reached pretty deep $tyr0 since it was right above my thigh on my hip (anywhere else would be fully visible if my mum decided to check) and that cvt will mark my sobriety from both $|-| and f00d :))

So whenever I feel like straying from my plan or even b1ng3ing, I can peek under my waistband and look at the $car.

Once my h1pb0nes are fully visible, I'll be able to make it move without even touching it.

-DISCLAIMER-

This is NOT a good idea and please don't do it, I have high levels of anxiety and a history of psychosis which plays into my views of religion, I use it to make myself feel better, but often it's very self-destructive. PLEASE don't do shit like this because I don't want anyone to trigger any sort of episode. My 'purification' by b|00dl3tt1ng is purely symbolic and doesn't hold any physical weight.

P.S: I'm not psychotic rn, I hope that was clear by my ability to put in a disclaimer. I'm fine, everything's fine, I'm not in any danger (/srs)

#tw religious $H #tw s3lf harm #light as a feather #light as a 🪶#4norexla #a4a #a4a diary #trans ana #@nor3xia #@nor3×14 #@tw edd #a4a tips #$h tumblr #$hblr #tw relaspe #tw psychosis

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boxwinebaddie · 3 months

Note

wait omg.. ur fr not updating ur fanfics ever again?!? HEARTBREAKING... BUTT... does that possibly mean u can spoil everything (slowly ofc)

EXTREMELY LONG BUT IMPORTANT UPDATE:

so...i'm not going to say ~never~, my friend. i promised myself during my uncle nina self care era, that i would *justin bieber vc* never say never, because setting strict, set-in-stone regulations and rules for myself is why i am not writing anymore...which, yes, as much as i enjoy my fanfics/updating them, for the sake of both my physical and mental health, i think it is in my best interest to not update my fanfictions right now. i'll explain as much as i can down below.

so...this is going to be a very, very long post. i know that i had an anon on here that told me that they look forward to when i post long, indepth things, however, i am going to say that this isn't like a fun hc post or anything, this is just a lot of information...about my blog and my fanfictions, how i have been feeling and what i'm thinking about doing moving forward from this point. a lot of it is stuff that i've written about a lot ( stress, writing, etc. ) but i think it's important to read, mayhaps? just to keep you in the loop/informed on stuff.

long story short tho: i am not updating my fanfics rn, that's not to say i will not be writing/doing ncu stuff and it does...thank god...mean that i can now slowly spoil things...In A Controlled Manner.

to jog your re(memory), lmao, i was very unwell writing peppermint.

we know this...we don't love this.

what i did love was writing peppermint when i was but doing all that formatting, writing more in one update than some people write in entire fanfictions, forcing myself to be consistent...it was...at times very frightening how unwell i was. especially mentally. i just...i was not well equipped for the stress that came with having a moderately successful fanfic. being perceived at that level, with how severe my social anxiety is...it was not good for me. like it was fun because it was cool to see people so invested/get so much high praise for the things that i was writing but...idk. i am very introverted. ravenstan is me because i try to be really cool but i am a fake and a fraud lmaooo.

but yeah, too much upkeep and while 99.9% of the negativity around pep and myself was self inflicted...i will say...especially after 10, i did get some very...Intense...reactions to my fanfiction. like, very, very intense in a way that i was very offput by it and also worried about how the things i was writing were affecting your real lives. which, on top of how i was doing ( not well ) was not something i wanted to have constantly on my shoulders. please friends, remember, you are not responsible for how other people perceive your work, so long as you tag it accordingly, are authentic to yourself, and respectful to others. or so i believe, at least. idk. this is so long, i'm sorry.

speaking of peppermint tho...i am going to be so honest. i...do not think i'm gonna update it or keep writing it. i know that kind of sucks but the Peppermint Period of my life, i hope, will be over soon, lol. which i LOVE pep, but there is a lot of dark, negative energy associated with it, i tried to write it a million times and can't -- which, fun fact, the last stretch of peppermint is the stan self healing/self care arc ( which i love, i love u so bad pep!stan, my baby, my angel ) and the reason i could not write it...is because i was never in a positive enough headspace to write it.

like...i was not healed enough to write the healing arc. thats...oof.

i also just...don't feel super good about writing stuff about the boys in hs as an adult lady, like? they are 18 and all, but idk, it does not make me feel good things, its just not that relevant to me and the only reason that they were in hs in pep is because all of the relevant tiktok lore surrounding style was senior year hs stuff. but i really just prefer writing the boys in rm/in college/doing adult boy stuff. thats a lot more in my wheelhouse and i feel way better doing that tbh.

a final pep thing that ties into the last part of this ask is YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT PEPPERMINT. i will spoil everything, like i'd prefer to do it in parts so if you want chapter 12 first i can tell you all about that. i don't have a ton of stuff written out in action...but i have...a fuck ton of dialogue. like nearly all of the dialogue for peppermint is written. ( if you want i can even take the dialogue and write it in sort of stage direction type formats with the actions to make it flow a little better -- i just can't write Chapters )

so yeah, ask me anything at all that you like about peppermint, but i can't spoil the entire fic in one ask...slow pace, please, haha.

okay, rm i do actually care a lot about. i also don't know if i in good concious can write chapter updates for it, but i can give you very detailed asks about it and give you what information i do have about it...also in small pieces. like someone asked me what happened to the ex-cd guitarist...and i can give you that information very soon.

i know it is kind of a bummer to not be able to get updates, but like, when i tell you i was seriously unwell...like it was really bad my real life was getting fucked up because of my online life which is whack.

but yeah! you can also ask me rm stuff! i kind of want to do it as sequencially as i can just so it flows a lot better like, idk, maybe start w/ ravesey hate stuff and move chapter to chapter, answering hc things in between? that feels right to me? but yeah!!! you can ask me what goes in the next chapter? if you want? or the next two/whatever is left of the hate...i don't have a ton of dialogue but i do have p much the whole situation blocked out? ish? lmao rip.

also!!! if i give you any scenario and you would like me to write in more detail or if you'd really like to see it in writing, you can totally leave me a request and if i feel up to it at some point, i will write it up. i also may just feel funky fresh and want to write it one day and randomly post it. lmao just be ready for anything tbh.

BUT YEAH!!! no i will totally give you rm spoilers and stuff!!! but again, i'm gonna try and not give you too much at once...v slow. in that way, ik its not the same as getting my full-fledged chapter updates, but it could hopefully still be exciting because you'd be waiting to get my content and it would come out quicker? which is still neat i think? my way to keep updating you without disappearing or like straining the shit out of my heart and brain.

okay, also, on ao3, as far as Big Writing goes...i'm not sure if i'm gonna post anything actually updatey on there again. it was just too stressful for me yall. i dont even want to make a seperate chapter post of explaination because i really don't want my fic to sit at the top of the tag for days and garner attention or like...wake to people waiting for pep or rm who think they're getting a new chapter, just to get told that i don't really feel safe updating them anymore. way too much attention which is what...drove me to this point tbh.

again, i like tumblr. i like the intimacy. i like that you guys can anonymously send me stuff and for the most part, i like that i can be sort of anonymous on here too...whilist you know, still being able to share stuff on here with you about my life. which...that's also a thing i was gonna mention at the end is, because i'm in education and kids are super nosy, if something happens, i will have to self destruct this blog and i'm sorry.

i am being so serious like if a kid finds my fanfiction tumblr, not only will it be embarrassing/unprofessional, like i am very worried that i could lose my job, slash not do the thing that i love the most in the world next to writing. :( i really do not want the thing i do in my free time to effect my outside life, which, again, is largely why i am doing this to protect myself lmao. like i am seriously considering like deleting anything that has to do with myself at all because of that. i tag my posts as accurately as i can to keep myself and all of you safe. please, please be mindful. please make good choices.

in vein of staying anonymousish ( tbh this is so much information that i ALMOST was going to post this as a voice message but i was not sure putting my human girl voice associated w/ this blog tbh ) i lowkey might nuke the twitter...i don't like it on there, lol. the cancel culture is frightening ( which is not to say don't cancel me if i'm being weird like please do that lol ) the people on there are really intense, i don't like the in fighting...i am on my tumblr because i feel safe here and i like all of you and i like answering your questions.

tbh, rp if you're reading this, the only reason i actually have the twitter is bc riley and i chat on there which, tbh, i might just bully her to use the dms on here or like licherally give you my personal phone number, lol. like we are internet married and talk constantly and i want to delete my twitter so bad it's not funny ESPECIALLY THE VIEW COUNTER LIKE THAT SHIT IS SO FUCKED UP I HATE IT.

kind of why i don't like ao3 either bc the hit count thing...really fucks w/ my mental health. the stress of being boxwinebaddie on there is also a lot so...okay...last segway...i do lowkey want to Actually write tkak...WHICH I KNOW NO ONE BUT ME CARES ABOUT BUT LOL THIS IS MY BLOG I DO WHAT I WANT BROTHER!!! its just funny bc this always happens where i can't write a fanfic i'm writing and then get excited abt some weird concept i have and start writing it and then stop again. so if i am writing tkak, please know it might not finish and i might just talk about it in ask memes.

orrrr write it in my google docs and link you or post screenshots. tbh i am very glad to be away from the ao3 layout like its so fucking ugly. the google docs are so much easier to read in my opinion.

for writing/future fanfics tho...as weird as it is, i don't think i'm gonna attach my name/user to my future fanfics. like you guys can know about them on here as long as we are chill about it. i just get too much anxiety about my association with my account and it getting too hectic again. so if i post tkak, i will probably do it on a different ao3 account ( you guys will know ofc ) and if i post one shot type stuff...i might do it also on a burner account or anonymously.

i actually ALMOST posted remember anonymously because of how stressed i was about it being negatively perceived/it being weird or people being mad at me for not updating pep. like i am very stoked you guys liked it but i seriously almost did not attach it to my name.

so if you see stuff that looks like its me floating around the style tag or in the other south park tags...its probably me. idk drop me a weird code word thats not too obvious and i'll send you one back, haha. i'm sorry i know this is complicated i just...i need to distance myself from this like, when i tell you i needed therapy for this...a mess.

but yeah! i hope that all makes sense! by all means ask me about pep ( literally anything abt pep but try to start small and build up ) and rm within reason and i will get back to you! it is extremely freeing for me to be able to talk about stuff because it sucked so bad to sit on all this info and just not be able to talk about it? like AAAA??? like thats why i was forcing myself to post stuff bc i wanted to tell yall stuff. and i would rather post you well thought out ask memes and dialogue that i feel happy abt then rush out terrible updates and grow to resent my fanfics like...no thank you.

i honestly feel like i have really fun ideas and am ( pretty ) good at coming up with complex lore/interesting hcs and shit, but i'm just not good at waiting, not good at keeping secrets and not good at being consistent...this is what i feel happiest doing, ig. hopefully this is rockin and rollin with you. i'm sorry this was a lot.

closing note is...i love you all very much. thank you so much to all of your for supporting as my identity as a writer has adapted, supporting my multiple works/promoting my personal health, advocating for me, being kind...i could not ask for better readers. again, i realize this is not the most fun information, but i have to take care of myself and this is the only way i know how. while also doing the thing i love, which is talking about my fanfics/writing/sharing my stories with all of you.

you are welcome to click off if you want, but if you are willing to ride the ride my friends, i promise to keep it cute on here. <3

thank you for everything, my darlings, and from whatever hurts or harms you, past, present and future

i hope you heal :),

uncle nina

p.s. if possible, if we could not distribute this post or rb it or anything like that i'd appreciate it. you can message me or write to me in the comments but i would like to maintain the liberty of deleting this post or editing it as i need to in case something happens. tysm.

#ncu update #nina speaks #idk that the tag is i actually think i might make an elaborate tag system so u guys/other people can read my blog #and find specific info abt parts of my fics or chars and stuff #but yeeeeeah i don't want to write right now i do not feel good i do not fuck w the energy i felt after i wrote pep for a while #like i already get sometimes overwhelmed on this blog i dont want to go back on ao3 which is already slow and seriously stressful #you can ask for spoilers tho! please do it in small sections! i am just one person and my fics are very lore intensive #i spend a lot of time on my asks i cannot do too much at once unfortunately #if i post stuff on ao3 again i would rather it not be attached to me ik thats kind of lame but it was mega stressful yall #it also makes it so if people enjoy my work it has nothing to do w bwb and this blog and i can start fresh #if u drop me a code tho i will get back to u haha just if u think its me out there please do not start shouting my name looool #hope this makes sense and hope you heal #sorry this was so much i needed to get this off my chest #you can also ask me questions abt this post it was really ocnfusing i tried to say as much as i can #but i am very tired...which is also why i cant really update bc i am working often and very very tired lmao #just be paitent w me if you can and you always are so i'm not worried ily so much thank u thank u thank u #none of this is spelled right ill fix it later...v tired rip

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