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marshmallowprotection · 2 years

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Hi, I'd like to ask for a match-up if you don't mind. This might be fairly lengthy or idk sorry about that. I use she/her and I think I'm pan although I would much rather not use labels for something as fluid as sexuality. My love languages are quality time and acts if service.

I've been told that I seem unapproachable to those who dont know me, which is understandable since I'm reserved around others most of the time. However, that's not the case at all with my close friends. I'm far more relaxed and expressive around them.

I'd say I have very low self esteem and find nothing to like about myself so I rely heavily on external validation, but only from people who mean somethingto me. I fear being perceived in a way i don't want by them so that sometimes leads to me being insincere with them at the start of relationships.

This will be a cliche but I've had my gifted kid burnout lol. It lead me to have a horrific work ethic like even right now I'm procrastinating on revising for an exam lmao. As for my grades they vary according to how much the subject interests me. Like I score really well on subjects like Math, English and psychology but in subjects like chemistry and physics, they're insanely unpredictable depending on if I liked that topic or not (anywhere from 40-100[which is sad tbh wish I was more consistent💀 also idk the us grade equivalent]) so I'd say interest plays a really important role in my actions.

That being said I gain and lose interest in stuff pretty quickly so it is really hard to talk about hobbies or likes and dislikes lmao. But a general trend that I've noticed is I unironically like pretentious shit lol. Psychology, law, philosophy and literature interest me very much. Other than that I've recently been getting into astrology bc of a friend and it's kinda fun?? Lol. Oh and for what it's worth I'm a Capricorn sun and moon and Virgo rising.

I also really like writing and have a collection of poems, some of which are embarrassingly edgy but in my defence I wrote them while having an emo phase back in middle school. But I still enjoy writing poetry and other short pieces. I also like singing and I think I'm slightly above mid at it idk. Other than that I like spending time with people who don't drain me on good days.

I tend to mess up a lot in relationships bc idk I somehow end up convincing myself I'm not worthy of them so I self sabotage a lot. Idk if this is relevant but I struggle a lot with mental health but I sought help this year so slay. I can also get pretty obsessive over them due to my pretty bad mental health. And uhhh like idk but if those feelings are not returned it just crashes and burns lmao like I end up hating them, which is honestly awful on my part, but I have to hate them too get over them. But eventually that hatred fizzles out into indifference but idk.

But uh sad stuff aside, I love passionately lmao. Like I spoil the fuck out of my friends and people I love. Handmade gifts, surprise trips, playlists or idk, just lying on the bed vibing in silence I just like hanging around with them. I make all of their problems mine and don't stop until I make them go away completely, or if I can't, I feel guilty about it. I'd say I like helping people. I want to be a therapist because I want to help people feel better or at least let them have some semblance of peace. Seeing that my efforts have made someone feel better makes me inexplicably happy.

And after all that would looks matter lol idk. But like it's safe to say that I'm conventionally ugly lmao. But I don't really mind it. I've made peace with it.

Ok that was genuinely long so sorry about that ahaha. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and have a great day!

I match you with...

Jumin.

You're the kind of person that is hyper-vigilant about everything that you do. No matter how you came to be this way, it's something that you're aware of and you have a hard time turning off. You are aware that actions have consequences and decisions can do things to other people. One of the things about being an empathetic person is you are constantly checking yourself. It means that you're a good person who always tries their best, but it also means that you wind up limiting yourself in other ways because while you try to emotionally regulate others, you forget to emotionally regulate yourself.

In that case, you need somebody in your life who knows how to remind you that you come first. It's important to help other people but don't take off all of your clothes in a blizzard to protect somebody else and leave yourself with nothing. So having somebody in your life that knows how to take care of other people is important. It makes you a powerful duo in your own right when you're having a good day, but it also keeps the two of you in check when you need a reminder that you need to be taken care of. Jumin is your man for that reason. He can be there for you and you can be there for him.

You’re passionate, too. You like to create with your hands and that leads to you sitting around with Jumin as you work, and he chuckles in approval, working on his projects at the same time. He loves to watch you make something out of the tools you have! It inspires him to focus harder on the hobbies he has. It’s meant to be methodical... but you remind him that it’s a creative endeavor, too. A labor of love molded by your hands. You inspire your lover every day just by being the person that you are. Love is strong and true, and you never have to be afraid of looking over at him and not seeing the same love-filled eyes. It’s always there in his heart.

#mod kait #ask #anon #matchup

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Girl I Met On The Internet, 3/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: sorry i haven’t updated in a bit! i had a migraine for almost a week straight so it took me a hot minute to finish this lol but i hope you guys enjoy this chapter!! and i want to thank everyone again for all of the positive feedback!! it means the world to me <3

It had now been two months since Gigi met Crystal and she had never enjoyed being on Twitter more than she did now. Sure, her past self said the exact same thing when she had met Jan almost two years ago, and then when they had befriended Jaida, Nicky and Heidi, but this felt so much different. Gigi loved the other four girls to death, but she had made a stronger connection with Crystal, despite knowing her for the least amount of time.

Whether it was messaging Crystal about nothing, or replying to her tweets with nonsense, Gigi spent almost every minute she was online interacting with her. Gigi could not deny it anymore, she was definitely whipped for this girl she had met on the internet, and the other girls were definitely starting to catch on.

jaida @.essenceofbey

if gigi doesn’t stop flirting and actually ask crystal out in the next two minutes i’m going to block her

nicky @.nickisdoll

well… au revoir, gigi!

gigi @.bitchjenner

i have no idea what u guys are talking about! crystal and i are platonic soulmates!

Despite the fact she made her crush on her new friend incredibly obvious, Gigi refused to actually acknowledge it. Jan and Nicky were the most determined to try to get Gigi to crack, but the most Gigi would say that Crystal is just really nice and funny, and would change the subject immediately. Gigi didn’t think she had it in her to tell any of her friends, let alone Crystal how she felt, even though she desperately wanted to, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it yet, no matter how much she wanted to.

Gigi’s feelings were very new to her. She knew she liked girls, but none of her crushes had ever lasted for more than two weeks. Gigi always saw this as a good thing, as she wasn’t out to anyone besides her mother and the group chat and she planned to keep it that way until she had moved away for college. She never planned on pursuing anyone romantically until she was older.

Crystal, however, made this promise extremely hard to keep. As unfamiliar the feelings Gigi had whenever she talked to and flirted with Crystal were, she liked them. A lot.

Gigi came to realize that this made her feel vulnerable, which she was also not used to in the slightest. Gigi loved to pretend that she did not have feelings, and if she could, she would keep up that facade for the rest of her life.

On top of all of this, Gigi felt guilty about keeping this from Jan. Jan had a handful of flings and even a girlfriend since they had become friends, and she told Gigi every single detail about the various girls and the experiences with them, and even cried to Gigi for days when said girlfriend broke up with her. Gigi wanted to give that energy back.

Gigi weighed the pros and cons of telling Jan. The only con was that Jan would know that Gigi is capable of feeling emotions, which she didn’t like, but she was able to convince herself that it wasn’t that big of a deal. So, when Gigi had gotten home from cheer, she enlightened Jan.

gigi: hey jan guess what

jan!: hm?

gigi: what if i told u that uhhh

gigi: ihaveacrushoncrystal

jan!: i would say i’m not surprised. you hated one direction before you met her and you made her tell you everything about them.

gigi: no u are surprised this is brand new information

jan!: so glad you admitted it finally tho <3

jan!: are you gonna ask her out??

gigi: i dont know

gigi: she lives in missouri too so we might not have to do long distance but idk where bc i panicked at the thought of her being close to me and lowkey shut it down

jan!: omg could you imagine if yall were irls

gigi: i would know if she lived in my town… there’s no way i could miss her chaotic energy

jan!: okay but you need to tell her

jan!: i know you hate talking about feelings bc you think you’re a robot but if you can tell me, you have it in you to tell her too. i believe in you and i know the other girls do too.

gigi: i will this weekend. i promise

Gigi did not tell Crystal that weekend. She didn’t tell her the next weekend, either. There were a couple of letters Gigi had written in her notes app confessing her feelings for Crystal, but they never made it out. Every time she went to copy it to send to Crystal, she backed out.

gigi @.jennerbitch

this is impossible

crystal @.mitamcrystal

what is? ily :(

gigi @.jennerbitch

i dont wanna talk about it

Crystal had noticed the shift in Gigi’s energy almost instantly. The girl who was usually confident and witty almost always seemed nervous and somewhat irritated, and would always deny it and change the subject if Crystal mentioned it.

Crystal couldn’t help but be upset about this; she was extremely emotional and took almost everything to heart! Her brain had instantly come up with the conclusion that Gigi figured out she liked her, and was uncomfortable with it. Deep down, Crystal knew this didn’t make sense, as Gigi would still flirt with her occasionally. Gigi would’ve stopped if Crystal liking her made her uncomfortable, right?

The old Gigi came back one day. It had only been two weeks since this had started, but to Crystal, it felt much longer.

crystal @.mitamcrystal

i kinda wanna dye my hair again… thoughts?

gigi @.jennerbitch

omg yes dm me now

gigi: crystal crystal cryssieeeeee

gigi: what color do u want to dye ur hair???

gigi: i think green would look nice!

crystal: i was thinking pink but i think i’m on team green now

gigi: hehe good <3

Crystal grinned. She wasn’t sure why this in particular made Gigi go back to normal, she found it extremely odd but she was not going to complain. Crystal had missed this.

When she headed to the store to get the hair dye, Crystal updated Gigi on everything happening; the stray cat she saw, the fact that the only non-natural hair color available was neon green for some bizarre reason, even the fact that Crystal knew the cashier from school. Gigi knew Crystal was doing this because she had missed feeling close to her, and Gigi loved every single minute of it.

Crystal stopped updating her when it was time to actually dye her hair, saying she didn’t want her phone to be green. Gigi understood but was sad; she wanted to keep talking to Crystal to make up for the two weeks they had gone without talking for more than ten minutes at a time. She told herself that it was okay, they were back to normal and as long as she didn’t fuck up again, she could have Crystal back for good.

A couple hours later, Crystal finally returned.

crystal: it’s done!!!!

gigi: ooooh lemme see!!!!

gigi: only if u want to show me ofc.. i dont want u to be uncomfortable.

crystal: hold on… i need to find a snapchat filter that makes me look pretty

gigi: :(( i bet u look pretty no matter what

crystal: ehhhh

gigi: im right!!!

crystal: what if… you sent me a selfie back… aha… unless?

gigi: i think i could arrange that… it’s only fair!

crystal: OMG YAY!!!

crystal: ok here it is! hi :)

When the image loaded, Gigi’s stomach dropped. Not because Crystal was ugly, she was the complete opposite. There was no doubt that Crystal was beautiful, even her teeth were perfect. Her brown eyes were rich and soft, and her hair was shoulder-length and very curly. The neon green looked great on her. She had even found a filter that put little dinosaurs on her rosy cheeks, Gigi thought that filter was made for Crystal.

gigi: CRYSTAL!!!! ur so stunning holy fuck

gigi: but i dont think ur gonna think the same about me

Gigi was not going to let herself back out this time. It was now or never. She sent her selfie in return, preparing for the worse. Crystal was not going to be happy.

crystal: uh

crystal: what the fuck

Gigi’s stomach had dropped because she knew Crystal from school.

#rpdr fanfiction #gigi goode #crystal methyd #jan sport #jaida essence hall #heidi n closet #crygi #lesbian au #high school au #social media au #girl i met on the internet #strawberry #submission #s12

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survivor-ingary · 3 years

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Episode 9 - "I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJ" - Kenneth

At the last tribal, Toph was voted out. During the past round, Keith found an exile ticket in the idol hunt and is in exile this round. The individual immunity this round is a 'chop the rope' style of Touchy Subjects. It will be followed by an instant tribal council.

ANNA OU- the execution of the vote was an absolute mess this is embarrassing y'all... i'm really starting to not trust ellie more and more considering the way this vote went! the way we were originally gonna vote toph but all this mess led to us flipping votes to brayden, which was a fail cuz he played the idol to himself and not toph LOL and not babs giving the idol to ellie cuz she would've gone home tonight!!!!! thank god the end results were still in our favor, getting rid of toph, but raffy is pissed once again lmao. this twist is very interesting, because i knew ahead of time that keith was gonna poof this round but i played dumb and whateva! it's kind of concerning cuz it might actually be a 4-4 split this time which SCARES ME so the extra vote consideration might be even higher. I really wanna win this Touchy Subjects challenge so the votes don't pile onto me (even though I fully believe it'll be either Dennis or Ellie lol)

my bestie toph just went home and im so sad :( he was literally my closest ally in the game and i am literally sooooo sad that he’s gone. but i did use my idol on myself which ended up being good bc if i didnt i would have gone to jury. just like everything is going wrong for me at this point and im on the bottom pretty much with raffy and anastasia. we needed to flip 2 people to have majority, BUT KEITH LEFT TO EXILE ISLAND AND HE WAS THE MAIN OPTION WE WANTED TO FLIP, so now that leaves kenneth and babs and we have to flip both of them or we are out of here. so we have our work cut out for us, but i really think we can flip babs because like they would just get like 6th place without us, and i just gave i think a pretty good pitch to kenneth so i really hope he considers it and doesn't just run and tell his majority alliance like he did with anastasia. anyways the challenge is touchy subjects and im nervous and i kind of am wishing i voted kenneth for biggest goat but i think i put riley and i regret ut. i hope someone says kenneth as biggest goat or something so it opens his eyes and he realizes he is literally number 4 to a solid 3 and should flip and be number 4 in our not at all solid 3. anyways i really hope i live this round

Captain Exile's log, Entry #58. I have been on exile island for an hour. it seems like forever... my mind is slowing turning into mush. I fondly remember the days I would plot Raffy's demise. Those days now seem like a lifetime ago.

I wonder why the 3 time keeping hosts have forsaken to this island, making me a fool by calling it a vacation. I also will never forgive them for not having an exile island hidden immunity idol. I should have asked Jay to send her cat to keep me company. . opportunity missed.

my favorite hobby is writing checks i can't cash

raffy realllllllly seems to trust me

babs realllllllllyyyy trusts me

ellie reallllllllly trusts me

kenneth realllllyyyyyy trusts me

keith reallllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trusts me and i trust him right back

a+b do not trust me so im gonna have fun with this.

i love that idols just naturally attract themselves to ellie.

i love that keith and i are doing an amazing job as undercover kings and it makes me laugh that raffy completely believes that keith is perfectly in his back pocket. king of delusion.

i stirred up a lot of paranoia but its believable that ellie is the one thats mainly on dat.

excited for touchy subjects would love to win

I'm too nice for orgs. I reload video games when I accidentally select the mean dialogue options because I don't want to hurt any character's feewings. Which... is NOT the same as genuinely thinking everyone is a pleasant person.

Well, as the only person playing this live challenge sort of "remotely" ahead of time I feel like I'm in a really weird position. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow to... something? A clusterfuck most likely.

Brayden round 9 is already over but im pretending im writing this while its round nine

hey everybody its round 9. i played my idol to save myself which was so cool but im sad that i had to do it bc now im really vulrunable and have no protection in this world. my only alliance left is anastasia and raffy and i dont even know if i can actually trust raffy bc he just voted toph off, but like i have no other options. also i jut realized i thimk i actually did send a confessional this round but its ok. the challenge is touchy subjects and i know i have pretty much no chance of winning but i hope i get asked whos a goat so i can say kenneth and maybe he’ll flip. the plan is to go for riley this round since they arent a huge player and hopefulyl anyoen who flips would be fine voting them. i really really really hope tonight isnt a hands up tribal bc that would be really bad ;)

GUESS. FUCKING (freaking for the kids). WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJSANDJKNASKJDNAKSJ I HONESTLY ALMOST LOST HOPE ON GETTING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOPS AT THIS POINT... The only other time I got something from the shop was my first ever purchase which led to an extra vote! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE because I feel like I have more options moving forward now, and I can make risky, but game-changing moves!! I will absolutely be saving the super idol as much as I can, hello?!?!?! I wanna make it to FTC so bad and ensure my spot in Final 5, so I just have to hold on until then!!!

soooo who's callin' me the fourth wheel to Ellie, Dennis, and Riley? oh? it's Brayden? okay king, step up then <3

holy fuck I hope I can explain this mess to Brayden kljfjkdlsahjkb WHY AM I LIKE THIS

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

I was completely over Toph's vote out. Like, it just is another demonstration of my "allies" not trusting me. They thought that I told Toph all about the plan to vote him instead of Brayden. They think I ratted to Anastasia and Brayden about the whole deal. It was incredibly frustrating to wake up from a nap with my allies not trusting them. And then they wanted me to vote for Brayden which would have landed Ellie in the jury house. Like, the plan was perfect, but Dennis, Babs, and Ellie just talked themselves into a paranoid mess. After the vote, I managed to talk myself into the good graces of Brayden and Anastasia after voting out Toph. What I said was "If y'all still want to work together, I'm down, but I didn't necessarily trust Toph. Additionally, I was approached like last minute to vote him because of Ellie's idol (they told me about it just before the vote). And I didn't want Brayden to go (didn't know about your idol)." They seemed to buy it?

I went on call with Dennis afterwards and basically asked for Riley to get voted out this round because they are Ellie's immoveable ally. They will never want to work with me. That's dangerous. It could give Ellie a lot of power in this game. Dennis seemed to agree. I also realize that Dennis has a crystal clear view of my game. He knows the type of game I am playing. That scares me. I need to play this game with the knowledge he can turn on me at any time.

My current position is in the middle. I am working with the heads of both sides in this game. I am working with Ellie, Dennis, and Babs on one side. And Anastasia and Brayden on the other. Kenneth is on the Ellie side, but I think my avenues with him are currently closed. What's the most frustrating is that Anastasia and Brayden are so misted by Babs that they can't see that they are LYING. Straight to their faces! Talking about wanting to be allies. Like, I need them not to spill to Babs about anything cause then I would be exposed.

Pray for me y'all.

Kenneth uh this tribal was... literally not in our favor at all... riley was gone the whole time and we didn't throw raffy under our bus when we should have... rip well riley wasnt in my end game plan anyways but its still pretty unfortunate to not have them around for the next couple of votes... i wouldve pitched for raffy harder but it didn't even matter because riley already submitted the vote for brayden :/// just a lil' unfair but it's SURVIVOR i guess!

Keith I woke up to a surprise. I was expecting to be another day on this island but it wasnt to be... This was a round came with a surprise tribal after the challenge. So yayyyy me.... bye bye Exile.

#episodes

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thefreshchannel · 6 years

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I originally typed these for this post i saw in the tag but they got long so i pasted them as their own separate post

1. Race wise? Definitely courtney and alejandro. Mostly biased because when i was little courtney meant a whole deal to me. I never really saw many characters that i could point out and go like "hey she kinda looks like me!" So seeing courtney was a big moment in my childhood. Alejandro because well? I'm peruvian too and i'm 100% sure that he is as well. In south america soccer is a huge deal, besides places in peru that serve guinea pig as food and i remember he mentiones having eaten guinea pig. Altho i feel like fresh does try to have characters that look different from each other and try to emulate real teenagers. Theyre all diverse. I'm glad at least they dont make ALL their characters look like wet wonderbread and make an effort to put diversity and be inclusive of other races.

2. Despite all this, td can also be pretty racist. I think it had chris in like yellow face in tdwt. Ofc it could be that fresh wasnt too informed on the subject. They dont seem to be informed on a lot, its as if a different company worked on 6teen. Also when it comes to neurodivergence or lgbt representation, in my own personal opinion, i feel fresh does a shit job at it. So i'm gonna say neither of these have been represented accordingly.

Fresh mentioned they wouldnt have gay characters because "gay ppl are controversial" or something like that back in 2015 when they were in shock to hear so many ppl hc'd noah as gay. Basically all moments of noah cuddling up to cody and justin were practically jokes like "haha what a gay cuddling up to boys"

There's also the infamous duncan transphobic line in tda.

Regarding mental illness, trent mike and dave exist. While i would also like to count izzy, sometimes i consider her like a scene kid thats just on their "xD RANDOM!!!" phase. However izzy is described very negatively by her teammates throwing out words like "ps*cho" and "crazy" in a negative way when talking about her. So theres that.

Trent was shown to have signs of OCD in tda. Which unfortunately ended up being played up as a joke and unfortunately the whole fanbase has flanderized him to the number 9 and constantly making jokes about it despite it being a coping mechanism for him. A lot of how he coped w his own anxiety was used for laughs and his teammates thinking he's weird. Like it was stereotypically overdone for the sake of a joke and it's so sad bc thats the only development he ever got.

We all know about the mike issue. There's a lot that people have learned since mike fiasco 2013, but let me address some things that are still damaging or potentially damaging. Again i could be wrong since while i am nd i dont have DID myself. A lot of it mostly roots from tdas having mike have an "eeEEeeeviL!!" personality, kind of like how Split the movie did. Also a huge issue being the whole reset button to "rid of his mental illness to have a normal life w his gf and a happy ending uwu" like. People w mental illness cant be happy unless they rid of their mental illnesses ? It kinda sends a really. Negative message from fresh on their views of mental illness. Altho idk if i'm making too much sense. A lot of mike arguments are outdated and a lot of nd people have spoken in favor of mike and heped others understand more, however i do believe the button is the one thing everyone can agree on. It was bad.

With dave i cant really say much bc i barely remember tdpi but i know he had germophobia and had an anxiety attack on set when he was covered in filth. I think thats the only time i can say fresh handled neurodivergency in a realistic matter, however i dont think more is explored on that? We know he hates getting filthy but the most u see his character do is just talk about sky and constantly bugging her to date him despite her not wanting to. I havent watched tdpi in so long that i dont really remember anything else besides the one panic attack he had so from my poor memory to me it's like they just. Threw it away in favor of turning him into brony friendzony yfeel? Most of the time he spent crying over sky.

So yeah i don't really think fresh and td handle neurodivergent and lgbt representation very well. Every hint that a character could be gay was made for laughs as fresh confirmed they wouldnt actually show a gay character on the show bc they think the gays are controversial, and every nd character they've had is mocked and talked negatively on for their mental illness or had it completely erradicated in order to be given a happy ending.

This got long and i hope my answers don't sound rude or anything like, i dont wanna start 5 year old discourse lol. Like yeah i'm glad their characters at least arent all white kids but. There's so much more that could be done better or could've been done better yfeel?

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deeton · 6 years

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vent

i swear i never do this. like not just on tumblr like in real life also literally last week i gently touched on the subject of my personal life matters to my proffesor and starting crying. i NEVER cry. why am i like this. anyways im gonna add one of these boys in cuz ig this is gonna be a long mf post

anyways i have no long term goals and i just dont,, fucking care,,, about school. but i love school so much. besides the schoolwork, obviously. but i love it here. i go to school in miami and im from michigan so like it’s actually fucking great. im finishing my sophmore year and writing this post instead of my essay that was due at 11:59 as it’s almost 5:30 am (oops forgot to hit send!) and i have another essay due i got an extention on thats in spanish and then i have my final spanish essay due tomorrow at 9 pm so im just not gonna sleep ig. i voluntarily do the wrong thing. like why . what the fuck. am i in control of my own control? im just so out of balance. and i just donntttt give a shit about anythingggg that i actually need to give a shit about. i wasnt always like this. i mean i use short term goals to get me by. make it to the next festival. make it to the next flight home to be w my parents whom i love dearly. but i dont feel a purpose for anything. i feel like i just want to make people happy and thats it. i just wanna make eveeryone happy. and theyre not. like my brother caused all this drama w my lesbian friends cuz theyre a couple and he deadass asked one of them to fuck behind the others back so now the other girl is salty and wont sell him wax and hes alwaaaaaaaaaays using wax all day every day and he doesnt get out much and his friends are shitty and hes so lonely and it’s so sad cuz hes actually really enjoyable to be around and idk whats goin on in his head. he doesnt believe in 12 steps. he may or may not have taken xans recently after all that work fighting a nasty battle with h for like a year at least. he told me he was thinkin of selling bars i said no dude. like you can just sell wax and not fuck up ppls lives and ik hell take it if he has it cuz thats what i would do. i just want him to have friends

anyways this is the end of my sophmore year of undergrad and it’s the first year where i actually made real live actual friends in mia who actually wanna hang out w me. im michigan i always had friends but each and every one of them is their special kind of wack and makes me sad sometimes but thats life ig???? or could it be better........................... oh except my family friends we’re all on some ride or die shit i love them. but i have friends kinda and it’s awesome but when im alone left w my own thought actively not writing essays i feel like such a piece of shit and im so full of hate. i constantly make hypothetical arguments with people im beefin with and i just make things seem os much worse in my head. i think i hold so much hate for so many people because im supplying it. i hate myself, and im spreading it onto actual stupid ppl who are stupid (thats not hate thats just fax) i dont wanna be gay. i hate myself for being gay. fuck counseling btw im not about that shit thats why im here lol. IDK my parents and family and friends love me for me but i just feel so guilty about it. i feel bad like all the time maybe thats why i look for an escape so much and look forward so heavily to music festivals. im literally awesome tho like im naturally the shit and am really cool and want to make ppl happy but i think i turn a blind eye to this negative side of myself. to be so full of hate it must be out in the open for people to see. i dont know what to do with it, where to put it, or how to destroy it. i just want to destroy myself instead, so instead of turning to drugs and alc, i turn to social media and not giving a shit about my future so that i can destroy my future self since i cant destroy the me who i am rn, otherwise id end up sent to rehab and super addicted to something. i wonder why i have 0 love life and i say im looking 4 love but where it @ tho. ppl just try and use me. and some people who are close to me turn out being weirdly jealous and start being mean and it fucking sucks. i need to meditate on it lol. this sucks, i cant wait to go home but i have to do the work first and i just dont. fucking. want to. 0 motivation. i can barely get out of bed in the morning and when i do thats just where i end up. i just keep telling myself nothing is real but it all is. i use to firmly be a solipsist and say nothing is real but human beings proved me wrong in good and bad ways. i could eat more than i do i just havent been this last couple weeks bc deadlines mostly. fuck school but i love my school. it took me soooooo fucking long to find my people tho like wasted a year of my life so fuck that.

#me #sad #i need to meditate

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