#more crazy and painful thoughts

[ohitslen]

Promises

He should know better. 

Wolfwood has seen Vash make promises, or hear about the ones he has made in the past. He has also seen the end of each one and how every single time the outcome is less than what was promised. 

Vash likes to say embellished words, with a soft and determined voice that lures you into his hopes and dreams, it almost feels like a spell, as if he was calling for you to come closer and believe him. But Wolfwood knows better.

He believes in him, but Vash is much closer to being an idealistic dreamer than a realistic person like he is. He might not be aware of it, but his beautiful promises of a better future give people hope, a hope that is usually embraced with things like disappointment and abandonment. 

He doesn’t think that Vash does it with the intent of looking for any of those things. Far from it, he might even do the impossible in order to accomplish said promises, but life is too short and humans are too mortal for his wishes, so in the end, most of Vash’s promises end up being empty or they come to haunt him as a reminder of his failed vows. He admires the man, for his perseverance and idealism, but he also hates the man, for his stubbornness and lies. 

Wolfwood knows all of this perfectly to a tee. And yet, he has also found himself being drawn to his world. Because he also dreams of it.

A world in where his always present calls for love and peace exist, a world that is far more kind than what he might deserve, a world in where the kids can be happy and roam around without any worry in their heads, a world in where he can peacefully turn grey with age and his hands can shed the harsh callouses of his life. Who knows, maybe a world in where he and Vash can finally know the peace that was taken away from them, in where they can share the calmness that comes with the passage of time, indulging in every tick of the clock welcoming with open arms whatever comes their way without any fear.

It is a beautiful promise. But Wolfwood is a person that has to keep his feet on the ground, indulging in “what ifs” would only make things harder than what they had to be. He can’t have any ifs if he can’t make it through the now. And by the way he is carrying his present, he is doubtful he will even get to see a shed of that promised world that Vash tries to drag him into. So why mourn something he doesn’t even have, or will ever have for that matter.

He hates the way Vash seems to promise things so easily. His tongue silky and pliant, slipping divine words one after the other, promises way too big for what that barren world can actually fit. 

But when Vash talks to him in that holy voice of his, when he hears him say “It’s okay, everything will be alright, I promise” so gently right on his ear, while he holds his face so tenderly making him focus on him and nothing else, he wants to believe him.

He has seen the end of his promises. He knows how impossible they are. But for once, he wants to believe it too. Believe in that loving world that will cradle them both until they fall asleep, listening to the soft sound of the wind laughing while the moons smile upon them. 

So he allows himself to indulge in the warmth of his palms, leaning into the comfort of his existence, feeling the soft air of Vash’s breaths against his skin while their foreheads meet in a touch that feels like a hot brand that will melt him.

For an instant, he allows himself to be selfish and believe that maybe, that is how living in that world Vash so desperately fights for would be. Soft and warm, making him feel safe in the hollow of Vash’s hands where the world seems to fit so well. A world where the blue sky is a blanket that covers the love and care that is nestled in it like the one in Vash’s eyes. He wants to see that world.

For now, he will selfishly think that the world that fits in Vash’s hands is right there in where he is holding him, where his blue eyes are drowning in the light of the sunset dripping with love and care while looking at him, that the gentle touch of Vash’s thumb wiping his tears is the same as the kiss of that laughing wind in that distant future, where the smile of his eyes overcomes the smile of the moons.

He should know better. But he loves the thought of that world. And he hopes that Vash will get to see that world, because that gentle sight is more fitting for someone like him than the one of his violent world.

He promises to himself that he will do what it takes for that day to be possible. Even if the end of that promise will be empty for Nicholas, he knows it will be a full one for Vash. So it really isn’t that empty for him after all.

He hates his lies, and he hates how true they sound, but Vash’s embellished words are far sweeter than his bitter thoughts so they feel better on his insides, almost like a balm that cares for the wounds of his throbbing, painful reality.

He should know better.

But aren’t humans weak at the promise of love?

#yeah….mm…mhm yeah #my thoughts were going crazy with this one. because WW crying is something that has me week on the knees #WEAK FFS #also the thought of him becoming bare and emotional at the hands of Vash makes me want to jump around until I pass out #think of it. he is afraid of him in a way. but he trusts him so deeply too it’s such a contrasting and little contradictory thing #more like. denial after denial but yk what I mean. because that’s the whole post #also as a fun fact. while on the making of this thing the line of “it’s okay. everything will be alright. I promise #it’s meant to be said by Vash to WW #but also I did it considering that a)Vash is saying it to himself as well and b)it’s something WW wants to say to Vash as well #they are both incredibly pained men and they know it but don’t adress it. so verbally saying such words to each other issssUUUEHWHAGAH #ah yes. the intimacy of being emotionally vulnerable with the person who you would trust your life to but never openly say shit to eachother #isn’t that such an amazing flavor? I won’t lie to you it’s one of my favorites #trigun #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun stampede #trigun fanart #wolfwood #nicholas trigun #nicholas the punisher #lenssi writes #lenssi draws #trigun 2023 #trigun 98 #because I did a mishmash on WW design bc this is meant to be TriStamp time skip in my mind #his eyes were originally their canon steel blue/grayish tone. but while doing the lighting the brown looked gorgeous #i couldn’t help myself so I left it that way. because there is something so beautiful abt his eyes shining like that in #the afternoon light while he becomes undone under the sunset ya feel me? #OHFUCKIALMOSTFORGOT another little detail. Vash’s right hand doesn’t have a glove and it’s on purpose btw you’re welcome

[zer0point5ive]

thinking about how lonely lawrence seems after everything and how his scenes after consist of him. just him. alone .. no mention of alison or diana, how the only person we see interact with him is john. lawrence sitting there, alone, watching the tape. on his own at the survivors group, seeming almost out of place in comparison to everyone either sitting in the group or with someone. a world apart from everyone else. even when him and the two other guys go after hoffman, the only person to take off their mask is lawrence and it narrows everything down to just the two of them. just lawrence. and then you have him in the bathroom, barely interacting with mark, surrounded by everything that got lost that day. the emotion on his face as he remembers the trap .. adam .. the last time he wasn’t alone .. before quickly putting the mask back on but. not quite. because then he looks back just for a second, a moment, before turning again and shutting the lights off. closing that door and finding himself alone again. because there’s no one who could quite understand him, no one who understands what he’s been through or even him as a person and, sure, maybe once there was someone. someone who saw him. saw him through the lens of a camera and saw beneath the layers to an almost uncomfortable extent but. not anymore. now he’s just alone

#lawrence ohh he makes me Sooo sad i cant lie #calling my dr because i thought about those guys from the bathroom nd got chest pains #adam knowing lawrence more than alison is so crazy nd real like .. the things he was hiding from her he couldnt hide from adam hellooo its #insane really #lawrence gordon #chainshipping #📹

[good-beanswrites]

I’m thinking about the angst of the restraints headcanon again. There’s the two with the least physically violent crimes, and they rank relatively low in strength. There’s the child who was violent but had to be really crafty about it; she’s the weakest of all of them. And the most dangerous of the guilty prisoners cannot be restrained.

This makes me so emotional!!! All three are the smallest of their circles. Two of them are extremely ordinary people who have never experienced/expressed physical violence before. One hadn't even fathomed the idea of someone dying until they actually did. And yet, they're subjected to the type of restraints you'd expect to see on someone who is uncontrollably violent. The fact that prisoners who committed very gruesome murders can walk free (including Mikoto) just adds insult to injury. I still couldn't everything into words, but here's a Mahiru-centric drabble featuring the same thoughts. It takes place after T1 closes but before the attacks.

“Where are our rights?”

Fuuta’s shout caused Mahiru to wince. She perched on her bedding, watching the two prisoners she’d invited to her cell. It hadn’t been the fun kind of invitation, though. Back in school, she always wanted to have parties and dates back at her place. Moving to the city, she imagined what it would be like to make university friends and take them back home with her to talk, eat, and have fun. 

Sitting in her dim gray cell with Fuuta and Amane, all of them held fast by complex sets of restraints, was not what she’d had in mind.

Amane knelt in the corner. Her arms were crossed, as if pouting, though the opposite was true. A moment ago her eyes had lowered in prayer, but it was difficult to find any peace of mind now. Fuuta snapped and shouted as he paced the length of the cell bars. They were unlocked, but like the others, he didn’t feel like being out in front of everyone. He’d give his uniform a violent jerk every now and then, but it didn’t do any good. Between his strides and growls, he made Mahiru think of those poor wild animals they keep at the circus.

“Take it easy, Fuuta.” She mustered up a smile. “Come rest with us.”

“I can’t believe you two. You’re just gonna sit here and take it? I didn’t do a fucking thing! They’re acting like I’m some big danger to society,” he yanked his arms again, to no avail. “All I did was type some things onto a screen. I’m not gonna go around stabbing anyone or anything. And you, you didn’t hurt anyone either!”

He nodded his head to Mahiru. If her arms weren’t already folded over her chest, she would have hugged herself anyway. 

“Well… I did hurt him in the end… I broke his heart badly enough that… I mean, he…”

Fuuta made a disgusted sound. “That’s all stupid romance stuff. I’m saying, you never stabbed him. Never strangled him. Never poisoned his food, or –”

“Oh god, no! How horrible…”

“Exactly! From what we’ve heard, it sounds like Haruka killed someone with his bare hands. I think Muu had a knife or something. Shidou had a whole arsenal of grisly doctor tools. Kotoko has openly talked about how she beat that guy to death. Why are they allowed to walk free while we’re tied down like wild animals?”

Mahiru was glad she hadn’t mentioned the circus.

“And Amane! It’s not like she did anything violent, and here she is!”

“That is not true.”

Both paused as Amane spoke up for the first time. 

“Eh?”

“While I disagree with my verdict, the restraints make sense.” The others still stared blankly. As matter-of-fact as always, she continued. “I killed with my own hands. I used the amount of force I was instructed to. Just as the sinner fears the wrath of heaven, I can understand how the godless warden would fear my justice.”

Fuuta’s passion wavered, but Mahiru could feel her heart ache for the girl. “Oh Amane… I had no idea. To be pushed to the point of violence at your age…”

“I am not to be pitied. As I said, I am dangerous, and proud to be. I am doing god’s work. All heroes must be dangerous.”

Fuuta grunted, but said nothing. Mahiru gave her a gentle smile. “It’s not pity. Even if you were dangerous, it’s horrible to restrain someone like you. You’ve already had to brave so much, as the smallest of the bunch.”

She looked between the two. A sad laugh escaped her. “Now that I think of it, I guess we’re all the smallest here, hm? Aside from maybe Muu, we don’t have much height or strength on the others…”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Fuuta cried. “The fuck do they think we’re going to do?” Mahiru was just glad he’d focused on that rather than the fact she’d just called him weak. 

Voices raised in conversation down the hallway. Mikoto’s laugh echoed faintly into the cell.  

It warmed Mahiru to hear. Things had been so hard on him here. Though it had been frightening to hear him shouting at the restraints til his voice was raw – well, it wasn’t him shouting – it had been a relief when he appeared free and relaxed the following day. He seemed sheepish that he wasn’t able to help the others, having no memory of his escape. Mahiru just kept telling him how happy she was for him.

Fuuta didn’t share in the sentiment. “Meanwhile, Mikoto gets to stroll around free, and he beat the shit out of Es! He could snap and kill any one of us here, and they don’t even give a damn. But ooohhh, god forbid the guy who’s never been violent a day in his life is allowed to use his own two hands!”

The harshness of his voice wasn’t doing his argument many favors. Still, his words were beginning to get through to Mahiru. 

She’d worked so hard to be a model citizen. She was supposed to have a perfect life. She could cook, clean, sew, and take care of children. She did herself up every day; she was never a slob or a slut. She was generous to everyone she met. She showered the world around her in love. Wasn’t it unfair that her hands were tied like some common criminal? What was all that effort for – being patient when people upset her, being kind even when she disagreed with someone, all of that – if she was going to end up in the same place as someone who had stabbed another out of sheer malice?

Amane didn’t seem to be whirling with the same doubts. She closed her eyes once more. “It is simply a trial from heaven. We may be small, but all of us have an internal strength that will carry us through the ordeal.”

“I don’t think it’s any sort of religious thing, but you’re right,” Fuuta puffed his chest out. “Trials like this only make people stronger!” 

“Do you think so?” Mahiru wasn’t sure if she was asking either of them or just musing to herself. It was a nice thought. This was all part of destiny, something meant to be that would make her stronger in the end. 

But she wasn’t so sure she believed in destiny anymore. It hadn’t quite worked out the first time. 

“Hell yeah!” Fuuta must have assumed she was in fact asking him. He gave a wide, toothy grin. “It’s not like we can get any weaker, right? The warden better watch out next trial – they’ve got a big storm coming!”

#milgram #mahiru shiina #fuuta kajiyama #amane momose #and then we had a big storm coming 😔 #thank you for the ask pal!!! im not sure if the drabble is what you had in mind but it was really fun to write lol #mahiru canonically being really tiny and trying to be the model nonconfrontational woman... #fuuta being so small and specifically saying hes never been violent toward anyone and never wanted anyone to get physically hurt... #(and something about fuuta being the closest to the average milgram fan) #amane being very small and weak and only killed a specific person for a very predictable reason... #and theyre all treated like wild animals that could snap at any time :(( #meanwhile the actually unpredictable one who Did lash out and hurt someone just strolls around free #not that its anyones fault hes free -- it wasnt on purpose -- but still it makes the situation that much more painful #it makes me crazy!! i thought putting it into action would help communicate my ideas but idk #drabbles

[bunmellos]

i finished reading dungeon meshi tonight… eugh… ue.. ue..

#i gotta practice art more #ryoko kui will draw anything and everything which directly correlates to why she’s so crazy good #100/10 manga perfect balance of heartwarming and painful and straight up horrifying #unfortunately i am not good at putting my thoughts into words and a deep review so uhh go read it . Enjoy

[canayams-art]

Chewing and chewing and chewing and crunching and munching on the latest tgcf ep I tell ya hwat

#yams thought #lqq is once again making me feel crazy #the anger and the pain in his voice— the way the betrayal feels like it was just yesterday for him #you can tell lqq loved his family and that it hurt him #but you can also tell that what hurt him more was fangxin’s betrayal #he loved fangxin he really did and he might honestly still love him— or at least the memories of him #anyway feeling crazy again \o/

[surviveds]

rewatched the tsunami arc today and it just had me thinking about buck and his chronic pain again. because you know he was going through it then

#i guess i understand why they don't really acknowledge any lingering pain from buck once we move on from his injury/the lawsuit/etc but #i'm simply not going to do that. skjnfdsj #i think buck does struggle to talk about it when it flares up because he's afraid of peoples' reactions #(mainly afraid they'll think he needs a break. which. sometimes he definitely does) #but. at the same time. he does realize he needs to talk about it a little bit #he just always underplays it #anyway. many buck thoughts. i want to talk about his chronic pain in threads eventually <3 #rewatching is crazy because it's just making me even more in love with him. somehow. how is that possible

[introspectivememories]

For your mess is mine who are the people Bernard is close with? Is it people who were in the cult and are now out? Is it the groups of guys we saw in one panel? And what do they know more about than Tim?

okay first of all, thank you so much for the ask!!! i'm always sooo fucking excited to talk about these fics even if haven't written a sentence in like a month.

who are the people Bernard is close with? Is it people who were in the cult and are now out? Is it the groups of guys we saw in one panel?

in mess is mine, i just made up new friends for bear. we never really see him hang out with anybody and he is soooo isolated compared to tim. i didn't really like those 3 guys we saw in urban legends so i just... made up new ones! and bear deserves to have people who love him and take care of him.

so if you've been on my page for long enough, you know i have like a reoccurring oc?, i guess you could call it, called mori. he's in like everything i write, when i want someone connected to bear. alongside mori, there's khadija, chinna, and jam. but i'm still developing those characters.

after writing data analyst!bernard, i've been playing with the idea of putting jimmy and tyrone in there too. but i know my own strengths and putting that many characters means a lot of them are gonna get sidelined. (maybe i can put them in as a throwaway line? much to think about.)

i know that him being isolated is probably what made him so susceptible to the cult in the first place, but isn't there something so real about watching your friend slowly destroy themselves? isn't there something so tragic about being able to do nothing but pick up the pieces after each event? of wanting him to stop hurting himself but it seems like he doesn't know how to live unless he's hurting? mori, chinna, 'dija, and jam love bear, but it's not enough.

And what do they know more about than Tim?

everything. in urban legends, they've just started reconnecting. and i've taken that to mean that there was no contact after the shooting. so if we do the math, let's say they were both 16/17 during war games and i've always hc both of them as being around 21 when they meet up again, that's about 4-5 years that tim has missed. people change a lot in just 1 year! to miss around 5??? yeah tim barely knows this man anymore.

and yeah, bear still smiles the same and he still makes outlandish conspiracy theories but bear is so unfamiliar to tim these days. he might as well be a different person. and i think for tim, who is having all these new feelings at seeing bear again, would feel uncomfortable. where is his bear who laughed with his mouth open? where is his bear who didn't have scars on his arms and back? where is his bear who took up the whole room with his personality? tim doesn't know.

the story takes place in the hospital after the attempted sacrifice as tim deals with bear's friends, who are complete strangers to him, just knowing exactly what to do while he fumbles around. one of the scenes that i first wrote was tim sitting in the waiting area struggling to fill out the paperwork. and then bear's friends come in and do it effortlessly.

i hope this answers your questions!! i feel like i got so excited talking about this, it came out a little incoherent lol.

#and i think it would chafe at him. this idea that he who /was/ bear's best friend knows him less than these strangers #that bear has a whole life outside of him. #bc the last time he saw bear‚ they were each other's life and now... they're what? strangers? less than friends more than aquaintances? #also really surprised at the poll results #i definitely thought that summertime sadness would win #but i get it. even i have a hard time writing the breakup fic #also so little votes for pain (you made me a believer) #wow that's crazy to me #summertime sadness and pain are the ones i have most written for #but history is winning #and i completely understand. i too love the secret husband trope #asks #introspective.txt #timbern #MORI MY BELOVED #YOU ARE SO CONVIENIENT TO ME #SO ADAPTABLE #mori lore time: his full name is morihito. yes i do have kanji for it also his parents disowned him. bear is 2secs away from giving mori hi #mori lore time: he's named after my favorite host from ohshc

[cmonangel]

okay so i finally read a ballad of songbirds and snakes which led to me rereading the hunger games trilogy over the past week (SO GOOD i could make a whole other post) but then i thought it would be a good idea to watch the movies but then literally started sobbing from the beginning and started again every time single time they showed rue before the games even started or anything

#as a standalone book abosas is like ok but i actually thought it was fascinating like just how the games developed #like seeing how the media and sponsors started and then rereading the original books its SO interesting #im really tired but the relationship between the districts and capitol and tributes and audience and everything... suzanne is a genius #also i briefly went into the tags on here and my one thing is why are people not talking about tigris more?? #she could have a whole other book #i wish i could talk to suzanne collins and ask her why she chose tigris of all people to become a stylist and then what happened #did she think she could help the tributes like her cousin and then they had a disagreement of some kind? #no one is doing it like her #and im just blown away like rereading the books bc yeah theyre incredibly violent and there's the stuff with that peacekeeper #and then finnick in the capitol which is real and painful but it's so different from popular ya currently #idk what middle schoolers are reading these days but im just thinking about how acotar is marketed as ya #i just appreciated how katniss loves people and you can tell by her/their actions words etc instead of everything being some crazy #physical attraction all the time #which makes sense with katniss's circumstances and everything and she even says like she doesn't want to get married etc #because of the world they live in and thg isn't a romance obviously while the popular newer books im thinking of are marketed as romance so #maybe im just mad bc i gave in and read fourth wing and it was so garbage #idk i have a lot of thoughts but i dont think these are making sense

[string-cheese-cake]

Not me redeveloping a crush on my best friend after two years of being in a happy relationship and she's got a new bf who she's all lovey dovey with lmao

Im_in_danger.png

#i might just be missing the honeymoon phase of a relationship. which is crazy because my bf and i are still very much in love and we always #laugh and joke. and yeah he could cuddle a little more but he's great he really is but idk i also confuse romantic with platonic love but #i thought about stealing a kiss from her and uh oh. and i KNOW she's attracted to me. ugh. pain. why can't my bf be poly or just homophobic #jk if he was homophobic we wouldn't be in a straight passing relationship rn

[punkindness]

long rambling personal about chronic pain under the cut

on thursday's pt session they were having me work with someone different cause my usual was taking time off. he asked if anywhere hurt more during an exercise and i said my knees and he got all serious and had me do a thumb hypermobility stretch and asked if eds runs in my family, if i experience any other joint pain and for how long. i told him 'uh idk' and 'yes all over' and 'as long as i can remember but it's gotten really bad in recent years and i also have nerve pain' and then we just kinda looked at each other. and then he was like '...alright keep going with the exercise, i'm thinking' and at the end when he said goodbye he seemed like sad or guilty and opened the door for me and i didn't realize why at the time because the session had been harder than any of the others but not like insane but OH MY FUCKING GOD has my pain been bad this weekend. it's times like these that i'm glad i live with my family.

and also. i researched eds in more depth and. it's fucking uncanny. how the hell did this not come up when i was researching before because it is like exact and touches on some symptoms i hadn't even considered to be related to my pain. if it's not heds it's probably hsd i guess?? which is

#i was really weirdly happy at first when everything but the skin stuff was accurate to my symptoms #just cause for so long i've thought my pain was all in my head that i was going crazy #after the lower back xray and the arthritis blood tests came back normal i didn't know what else to think #so suddenly being able to find a community of people who are experiencing the same kind of symptoms and pain #and sharing tips for how to get through it? it's so cool! #but that sort of honeymoon phase in regards to it only lasted a day or so because this flare up is fuckin rough #now i'm mostly trying not to be worried about my abormally high heart rate #and trying not to give in to the allure of screens when i inevitably wake up in pain in the middle of the night #(i obviously broke tonight lol) #personal #vent #also the timing of this was insane because i made a friend with eds a few weeks ago and even did a quick google #afterwards cause we are both so similar that maybe our joint pain also has the same cause? #but i didn't even let myself get past the words “hypermobility” before exiting out because i've never considered myself to be flexible #if i had even kept scrolling for 10 more seconds i would have seen the line up of symptoms that almost completely matches mine lol #sorry for the rambling prolly gonna delete later im just tired and cant stop thinking about it cause yknow #pain

[dropthedemiurge]

I really love iKON just because when all the other kpop groups try their best to be idols, iKON are doing their best to be less idols as much as possible xD

They pull faces and weird poses on red carpets, they spill tea and tell extremely embarrassing stories on tv, they take photos in their underwear and show up at fansigns in their favourite worn out T-shirts. They are extremely shy and confused at how to talk with other idols but they are gonna come up to fans to chill and bring them food, and they will suddenly run to pizza place and grocery shops to pay for your meal like a crazy neighbour guy. They be like "oh yeah, I married yesterday, anyway, look at the photo where I slept for 2 hours on a floor behind the curtain before the concert, isn't it funny"

iKON broke so many stereotypes and kpop rules and limitations when the whole world told them "you can't". Each member went on like 4-6 survival shows and they just do not give a fuck anymore. They were in yg basement for 10 years, they got depression and a trauma from losing their leader, yet they are unkillable. First group in kpop - again, breaking norms and paving the way for others - they left the agency and stayed together and kept the name because they couldn't imagine breaking up and losing all the songs they weren't able to release. They cried about loving each other so much and staying as more than a family was more important to them than their career - all while laughing that if it wasn't for a kpop group, they wouldn't befriend any of the members lmao.

They are idols for idols but iKON only want to present you their talents and crawl back to being just some dudes. But no, they are even just some dudes on a stage, too. Randomly hijacking festivals and making it their party with all fandoms. Laughing crazily and smiling when they dance because even forgetting choreo or all microphones and music not working isn't a good reason to not have fun with the crowd.

iKON have such a happy-go-crazy attitude and it's a breath of fresh air in modern kpop industry that I love so much. And now they finally have their freedom in new agency 🥺 And freedom looks so damn good on them.

#sorry random burst of affection as soon as i woke up #but literally ikon said when debuting they are not giving fanservice cuz fans already saw them wrecked and in pain in predebut survivals #and what's the point of pretending if we saw them in their natural atmosphere and at their lowest moments already #that's why they have one of the most loyal fanbase that will go through thich and thin with them #all while other idols get burned for dating or having a baby or speaking out of line #i think more kpop groups should embrace ikon attitude #look at got7 and suju as well this is the key to longetivity #anyway ikon need a lot of support because they are starting from the very beginning and basically do everything with like 10 people team #but they already did more in 6 months than in 10 years in yg #kpop #ikon #just thoughts #i love these crazy random dudes so much

[aria0fgold]

I thiiink I processed a bit of my thoughts bout OFF but like, my mind was blown so there isn't much in it. One thing bout it though is that I really love the music in this game, like I be jamming to the battle music it sound so cool and catchy and it's actually stuck in my head. I also love the puzzles in the game, it's not too hard and it's also so nice to do! (I say that but I brute forced at least 2 puzzles. The puzzles right before Zone 1 and Zone 2's bosses... Trial and error even though the key to the puzzle was Right in the area but lazy in I don't wanna go back to look).

Also I love how, even if the game doesn't seem like much, it was hella enjoyable for me, must be cuz of the music. Like, I'd walk around so much finding a bunch of stuff and then battles happen with some banger music and it honestly felt like I just played that game for like a hour even though it was way more than that. Like, I really really enjoyed it.

For the story of the game... I have no idea what story is supposed to be there. But throughout it, whenever the Batter purifies a zone I start doubting if it's the right thing cuz everything looks so... lifeless... Like yeah sure, the spectres are also pretty bad and killing the poor Elsens, also doesn't help how Dedan makes the poor guys so stressed too but I was thinking if there was at least another way than just purifying everything but I'm stuck with the Batter. By the end the Judge saying that I'm the puppeteer but honestly I felt like more of the puppet for some reason.

I'm stuck with the Batter my guy, I won't proceed at all unless I do things that aligns with the Batter's mission. And in either endings, it's all bad in a way that, what's done is done. Choosing the Judge doesn't reverse anything, the world is completely lifeless and "purified," so in the end it's better to just keep being with the Batter and finish what we started. Which is pretty cool cuz I kept wondering Why was the game called OFF and then seeing the Batter ending and I'm like: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH (it was the first thing that blew my mind).

Like, I feel like this game's story got A Lot of stuff for me to know (Time to read through what everyone's theories are. I'm not really good with those so I always enjoy reading everyone else's). Like, the thing that I kiiinda get is that there's a lonely child who doesn't like his dad and prefers his mom but the mom doesn't even visit him much. He made 3 friends which he turned into guardians of the zones, and a mom regarded as the Queen. And then there's Batter which I feel like was based off of Boxxer in that comic that the kid was given to by his dad. And like, gestures vaguely, yeah, it's neat :D (my train of thought broke I don't remember what I was going with that).

#ariaplays #ariaplays: OFF #wai do i still use those tags for the final thoughts posts or no????? welp im using em in this post now #like this game is hella good its like reaaaally good but i cant say How good cuz im speechless #like i actually really like how the characters know theres a player #but at the same time it feels like that part is crucial in knowing the full story #also zacharie constantly breaking the fourth wall. like thanks dude. glad to be reminded that im playing a video game #but also thats crazy to be reminded im playing a video game through a video game character #also so funny how i went to the wiki and saw mention of a character called Sugar but i never got to meet her #which im kinda glad cuz ion wanna make zacharie sad cuz the batter killed her. im no completionist thank goodness #also like thats another thing. the batter decides when and where i can flee from a fight. which is fair. a common mechanic but #really makes it seem like hes more in control of everything than i am despite literally controlling his body #oh and the designs in this game are sooo horrifying yet soo cool #the most distressed ive been is during the bird boss fight cuz can you PLEASE let go of valerie's body alrdy hes dead #yet hes still hanging onto the birds head please shake his body off and let him rest #seeing and hearing the judge meowing loudly in the rooftop after that boss fight for his brother like maaaaannnn... pain... #anyway id like to say that i literally get attached to anything easily and i very much so like the add-on alpha. its my buddy now. #its been with me since the start of the journey. my favourite add-on...

[saintashes]

ACID DROPS. // a c!quackity poem. (click for full images & quality)

text below :) feel free to reblog !!

IMAGE ONE:

God’s mouth is where everything goes

to shrivel & die, shrouded

in faith & devotion

as his teeth close in around you,

caging you in, sharp & slippery.

tongue soft & wet, wrapping you up

& holding you down, his throat leading down.

with nowhere else to go,

do you trust him enough

to let him consume you?

(the way so many others

think they consume him?)

he’s forcing you down

with hundreds of other souls, nothing special

about any of them.

you fall down, clinging

onto His insides but it’s nothing

He hasn’t experienced hundreds of times

before.

there’s scratches & scars

older than half the world.

you’re in his stomach & it’s full of people

just like you, scared & confused,

slowly getting eaten away

by the stomach acid.

(God’s no different & Adam was shaped

in his image, afterall. like father, like son.)

God eats at them

until there’s nothing left.

—

IMAGE TWO:

God’s mouth is where everything goes

to shrivel & die, shrouded

in faith & devotion

as his teeth close in around you,

caging you in, sharp & slippery.

tongue soft & wet, wrapping you up

& holding you down, his throat leading down.

with nowhere else to go,

do you trust him enough

to let him consume you?

(the way so many others

think they consume him?)

he’s forcing you down

with hundreds of other souls, nothing special

about any of them.

you fall down, clinging

onto His insides but it’s nothing

He hasn’t experienced hundreds of times

before.

there’s scratches & scars

older than half the world.

you’re in his stomach & it’s full of people

just like you, scared & confused,

slowly getting eaten away

by the stomach acid.

(God’s no different & Adam was shaped

in his image, afterall. like father, like son.)

God eats at them

until there’s nothing left.

#dsmp #c!quackity #cquackity #dsmp quackity #c!quackity poetry #dsmp poetry #dsmp writing #tw religious themes #tw religious mentions #tw religious imagery #WOO i love this sm fr #it was a pain in the ass to format tho #but hi hello i hope you liked it :)) #i would literally go crazy froth at the mouth if u wanted to dissect it or want me to share my thoughts #love u lots if u read these #ill love you more if you reblog and talk to me el oh el >:) #epiphany.txt #dis(rei vynn)aster time #religion tw #my writing #cquackity poetry #dream smp #dsmp character analysis

[fuitygummy]

I think I’m failing therapy

#personal fuity shit #I can’t answer my therapist’s questions #I feel like I’m only repeating myself every session #I can’t do the things she asks me to. and I don’t even know why. I just can’t #I don’t exercise. I don’t leave my room. I barely drink water. I have an eating disorder #I honestly don’t know what she could do for me. and I noticed she doesn’t either #maybe I truly am a lost cause #I’m stuck in place. can’t get better and sometimes seems to be getting worse #when I told her I don’t even want to live anymore she kinda got. pissed at me? #she made it sound like ‘being alive only because I don’t want to make my mom sad’ is the most insane and wildest thing she’s ever heard #and that I was crazy to even think about it #as if that wasn’t my only thought for like idk 8 years or so #ALSO she keeps putting my bisexual identity in question every opportunity she gets. like wtf #just because I’ve never hooked up with a girl doesn’t make me any less bi #‘are you truly bi or just curious?’ idk and idc ma’am you’re the one bringing this up and making it look like a problem #I’ve got lots of complaints but. it’s not easy to quit #I’d have to tell my mom an excuse as to why I want another therapist #and looking for a new therapist is just nightmare #I’m just tired. really wish I could think about killing myself more in depth without feeling guilty #thinking about how my mom’s life would be shattered and all the pain I’d cause her gives me goosebumps. it breaks my heart

[toastsnaffler]

istg one of these days.......

#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game #one of my fave posts ever in the world #anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me #its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭 #ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭 #like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay #bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS #anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!! #its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought #so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy #but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr #itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST #i wouldnt do that to him god forbid #buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am #this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night #need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:| #its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves #i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good #ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone #muah all round #.diaries

[russeliarat]

How's everyone day going? I just ticked so hard, one of my eyes shut itself for 10 minutes and I couldn't reopen it. Also my hand tensed really hard and it hurt so I wacked it and it went back to normal so it seems to have worked.

#i gen thought i had a stroke on my right side but no #facial tics #fsr i hear myself or others stutter and my eyes go fuckin crazy #that or my head throws itself back lol the amount of times i've smacked my head into a wall by accident #i'm convinced its the reason i've got a weird shaped head #i jest but its really painful to smash your head against a wall involuntarily it's why i don't sit with my back to the wall if i feel weird #what's some other tics i have uhh #my breathing goes all weird? #like it just hitches randomly at some points and my stomach lurches forwards and spasms #my eyes roll into the back of my head so i have constant eyestrain now #ngl i wish i also had more obvious tics like vocal tics coz it'd be a lot easier to explain why my face looks all fucked up when i tic #lol this is just a post for me to talk ab my tics #why? coz i want to