unrequited // alicia clark
summary: after reuniting with Alicia after presuming her dead, you can’t help but think back to the last thing you said to her: that you’re in love with her.
warning/s: mentions of injury, blood and obvs the usual that comes with writing anything ftwd. also sad gay angst.
author's note: a lil one shot set in s7 that i wrote a while ago and finally got 'round to editing! it's set about the time after Morgan finds Alicia after the nuclear explosion (is that what it was? i can't even remember lol). It's been so long since i watched it so i can't even remember who the predominant characters in this part are, so apologies if it's incorrect! hope you enjoy anyway haha.
also another shameless plug but i've almost finished fully publishing my original fiction book titled 'Evie' on Wattpad so do check that out if you're into gay mermaids, pining and angst 👀
masterlist / wattpad
"It's called being efficient," I said with a hint of pride at my handiwork, but Sarah disagreed.
"It's called wasting time."
"Well, next time you happen to tear your favourite shirt, don't go asking for my help," I said to her lightheartedly, continuing to sew up a hole in my socks.
"We'll see," she mumbled, before leaving me be at the kitchen counter.
I chewed on my lip as I finished threading the needle through the hole, pulling the fabric together and tying it off. It was arguably pointless to some, but with everything going on outside the submarine that we were all seeking refuge in, I couldn't exactly go and pick up some new socks when my current ones ripped. So, why not put an old skill to practice?
After pulling my newly-repaired socks and shoes on my feet, I was about to head to my room when I heard a knocking coming from down the hall. Pausing, I listened again and realised someone was at the entry hole at the top of the ladder.
"Someone open up! It's me, Morgan!" a voice called from above when I approached the ladder.
"Oh, shit," I mumbled to myself, before calling out to him, "I'm coming, Morgan, one sec!"
"Great, thank you!" he said gratefully.
"Guys, Morgan's back!" I shouted down the hall, whilst rushing to climb the ladder.
Morgan had gone out two days ago with Grace and the baby, Mo, to seek help from Strand at his tower because Mo was sick and nobody knew what to do. Luciana, Daniel, Charlie, Sarah and I were left behind to hold down the fort, but we hadn't heard anything from him since. Naturally, we worried, but couldn't risk leaving when we promised to stay put until he returned. That, and it wasn't safe to leave without enough gas masks for us all.
But he was finally back! And as I unlatched the door above me, I prayed that everybody was okay, especially Mo.
"Morgan," I called with relief when I saw his face looking down at me. "C'mon, you were gone for so long, we were worried!"
He smiled a little, but it didn't reach his eyes, and that's when I realised things couldn't have gone well.
Knowing I had a million questions but he needed to come inside first, I jumped off the ladder and waited at the bottom to help. The others had joined me in the hallway, the lot of us anticipating what Morgan had to share.
He climbed down the ladder first and I began to help him, growing concerned when I noticed the dried blood and dirt in his clothes.
"Where's Grace? The baby?" Sarah pressed when she noticed the lack of the others. "Mo-Mo, what happened?"
"Strand took them," he said with regret, accepting my help off the ladder. His eyes followed up it, and I realised a stranger was following down after him – some girl.
"What?!" Sarah snapped, eyes widened, and everybody collectively gasped at the news.
"I managed to find an old friend, however," he continued, as I was about to lend a hand to the stranger.
Only, when she accepted my hand and jumped off the last few rungs of the ladder, my breath caught in my throat. It was Alicia, the girl who I'd presumed long gone, or even dead.
"Y/N," she exhaled, just as surprised as I was, before immediately pulling me in for a hug.
I hugged her loosely at first, oblivious to the excited comments from the others at the sight of their dear friend, and then I closed my eyes and tightened my hold, afraid to let go.
"You're here," she said with disbelief, before pulling away to meet my eyes. Hers were tired and dull, but momentarily bright as they met mine. "I mean, Morgan said you were but I didn't– I–"
When she didn't know what to say, I found my words. "I didn't know if you were alive. I was so worried, Alicia, I thought–" And then the shock faded, replaced by a nauseating guilt. "I wanted to look for you, but–"
"It wasn't safe," she finished for me, not the slightest bit offended. "I know, Y/N, I know."
I frowned, eyes flickering between hers, my heart thumping louder than ever at the mere sight of her. She was alive. She was back. She was okay.
After everybody became reacquainted with Alicia, and Morgan shared the news about Mo and Grace – Strand had taken them in, offering to 'help', but had tried to kill Morgan in the process – I went to the kitchen to get some food for them both. They'd also shared everything they'd been through after Strand stole Grace and Mo, including almost dying because of his men, getting caught up with some infected and declaring war on Strand, so it made sense as to why they both looked like they'd been through hell and back.
"Here," I said once I'd plated and warmed up some canned soup for them both, before adding for Alicia's sake, "this is all we have."
"It's perfect, thanks," she said with a nod, before digging in immediately.
Morgan nodded gratefully before doing the same. I cleaned up the mess I'd made as they were eating, before dismissing myself so I could sort out a sleeping space for Alicia. It didn't take long to find her an unoccupied bunk, and with Luciana's help, we put out some fresh sheets and found some clean clothes for Alicia. I could barely believe she was here still, having reluctantly accepted that I may never see her again, not so soon anyway.
Once I returned to the kitchen, Morgan was no longer there, but Alicia was still sat there finishing her soup.
"Hey, Luci and I have sorted out a space for you to get some sleep," I said, unsure why I suddenly felt awkward around her. "We've left some clean clothes on the bed for you, as well."
Alicia looked up, nodding, before taking the last slurp of her soup and wiping her mouth. She stood up from her stool, pausing and clutching the counter tightly for a moment.
"Hey," I started with concern, recognising she looked dizzy, and stepped forward to help, but she raised her hand to stop me.
"I'm fine," she said with a clipped tone, eyes closed as she took a deep breath.
"You don't look well," I commented, eyes scanning her face. Dark circles plagued her eyes and she was still clammy, something I thought was temporary because of the rush of the day, but clearly I was mistaken.
"Is it that obvious?" she snapped quietly, before exhaling sharply and opening her eyes, though avoiding mine.
"Sorry, I just–" I wasn't sure why she was suddenly moody, but I wanted to help somehow. "Do you need medicine? We don't have much, but I'm sure–"
"No, it won't work," she cut me off, before pushing her weight off the counter and onto her feet.
"What?"
Shaking her head, she sat back down on the stool for support. "It doesn't matter. Just give me a minute."
I nodded, though I couldn't help but worry. This wasn't the same girl I'd last seen before she was taken from us by Teddy, the homicidal maniac who believed he was a god. No, this Alicia was worn out, exhausted and sick. Something was wrong and I hated that I didn't know why. But not as much as I hated that she'd been left with him and his crazed cultist followers all alone.
"I can get you some water," I offered, wanting to do something, but she shook her head.
"I'm fine."
"Right... well, d'you wanna take your shoes off? I'm sure you've been on your feet all day, it might help."
"No, thanks."
The longer she had her head in her hand, clutching at her forehead with her eyes closed, the more I didn't know what to do.
"Can I take your gloves off you? Maybe get some air to your hands?" I asked, noticing she hadn't removed them when she was eating. "Anything, Alicia, I–"
"I said I'm fine," she repeated firmly, before wincing at the way it came out.
I pursed my lips, nodding awkwardly. A quiet followed soon after and I wasn't sure how to fill it. The last time we had spoke, before Teddy had taken her... it hadn't been ideal. I was certain I'd ruined everything between us when I told her the truth about how I felt – that I was in love with her – and accepted that I might have lost her forever when she never told me what she thought because of the Teddy incident that occurred afterwards. But now she was back and things were awkward and the giant elephant in the room wasn't helping.
"I'm really glad you're okay," she suddenly spoke, voice soft but weighted with gratitude. "That you got out with the others."
"I'm sorry I couldn't get to you," I said, taking a seat on the stool beside her. "It all happened so quickly, with Teddy taking you. We were running out of time and we didn't know where to go and–"
"I'm glad you didn't go after me," she interrupted, looking up at me. "It wouldn't have been safe. They would have killed you if you tried anything, and if you didn't find me, the explosion would have. You were right to get out when you could."
Just because she said it didn't make me feel any better. Leaving Alicia behind was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do and I was certain I'd live with my regrets forever, even now that she was back with me.
"What happened, Alicia?" I asked. "Where were you?"
She exhaled tiredly, like the answer wasn't so easy. And when she began to tell me what, I realised it wasn't. She spoke of the moment Teddy took her, revealing his plans to blow everything up and keep his followers safe in a bunker that she was locked in with no escape. She told me about how she tried to escape, how they wouldn't let her, about Will, someone who tried to help her and was now dead because of Strand. And the the biggest surprise of all was when she revealed that she'd been bitten when she tried to escape, an infected leaving its mark on her arm, and how she had to saw off her own forearm to survive.
None of it seemed to phase her as she shared it, but I found myself tearing up at all of it. Naturally, my eyes fell to her arm when she told me, but they were both covered by forearm-length gloves.
"The fever won't leave," she explained, and it was beginning to make sense why she looked the way she did, pale and sweaty and exhausted. "The infection is killing me, Y/N."
"No," I muttered, refusing to believe it, because how was that fair? How could she have to go through all of that because some psychopath stole her away and tried to enforce his sick fantasies on her?
Alicia tugged off her glove, revealing a metal cast with a bone in it and a sharp knife at the end, all attached as a sleeve on her actual arm. I was speechless when I saw it, eyes unable to take in what I was seeing.
"Yeah, that's kind of how Morgan reacted, too," she said once she noticed my expression, sounding neither offended or annoyed.
"Alicia, I'm so sorry all of that happened to you," I said, finding my words as she replaced her glove.
The thought of her having to undergo all of that trauma by herself hurt, but she was the strongest person I knew. If she could do all of that, she could beat a little fever.
"Don't be sorry," she said. "It was better me than any of you."
I frowned, resisting the urge to hold her hand. "You don't know that that's what's making you sick. It could be something else."
"I do," she said patiently. "The infection was slowed down, but not gone entirely."
"But you could've got to it in time," I said hopefully.
"Y/N, I've tried everything," she lashed out, before swallowing hard and lowering her voice. "It won't go away. I'm dying."
I clenched my jaw, frustrated at the situation and refusing to give up just because she said so. "No. I don't think you are."
"Whatever."
She was bitter, avoiding my eyes and clearly peeved at my optimism. I stood up suddenly, earning her attention.
"You're not dying," I told her with certainty. "Not after everything. Not if I can help it."
"Uh-huh," she played along as if to avoid an argument, but I didn't let it bait me.
It was just a fever. We could break it. I truly believed we could.
The next day, a few of the others had gone out on a supply run, leaving Luciana, Daniel and I to stay back and keep an eye on Alicia, even if she didn't know it. Her fever wasn't letting up, even with the medication we gave her, and she was currently napping in her bunk per our instructions after she almost passed out at lunch.
It was my turn to watch her, so I was sat on a stool by the bottom bunk where she was currently fast asleep. A book was in my hand, an attempt to distract me and give her a little space, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stealing glances at her every now and then. Eventually, her eyes began to flutter and her movement made me put my book down.
"Hey," I said gently, not wanting to startle her.
She blinked tiredly, eyes distant and confused. "Are the others back yet?"
"Not yet. How d'you sleep?"
She breathed out slowly, lifting both hands to rub her eyes, only to realise her mistake when one of them was missing. She'd removed her metal cast before going to sleep, along with her gloves. With a quiet sigh, she nodded to the opposite side of the room.
"Can you pass me my arm, please?" she asked, sitting up and swinging her legs over the edge of the bunk.
"You don't have to wear that in here if you don't want to," I reminded her, noticing she didn't answer my previous question. "It's just us."
"I do," she said dismissively, before nodding to her amputated arm. "It's ugly. The arm makes me feel normal. Like I once was."
As I got up to grab it, along with her gloves, I said, "You may think that, but I think it's just a part of you, and no part of you could ever be ugly, Alicia."
She froze at my words, jaw tensing slightly, and I realised I'd said too much. My intention was never to make her feel uncomfortable – quite the opposite actually – but judging from her reaction, I had.
"But my opinion doesn't mean anything," I added, hoping to ease the situation, "so here." I handed her the arm and gloves before deciding to leave, knowing it would be for the best.
As I was, she finally spoke up from behind me, stopping me in my tracks. "I can't give you what you want."
Turning around slowly, I met her unreadable gaze. "I didn't ask for anything."
She licked her lips, looking down at her hand. "What you said, the last time we saw each other... I can't..."
"I didn't ask for anything," I repeated, interrupting her. "And I already know. Your silence at the time said it all."
It wasn't easy to forget the look of disbelief she gave me once I'd said the words – I love you, Alicia – and the silence that followed after my declaration. She never told me what she thought or felt, but it was obvious enough.
I swallowed thickly, hoping my sadness wasn't showing. "You were my friend long before anything else, so I was only hoping to treat you as such. If that's too weird for you, then I'll step back."
When she didn't reply, nor look up at me, my insides shrivelled a little.
"For the record," I added defensively, "I didn't want anything from you. I've only ever been honest with you."
Again, she didn't answer, and I took that as an answer in itself and turned to leave. I knew she didn't feel the same as I – her silence spoke volumes – but it still made my heart crumble a little, hearing her finally admit it or imply it or whatever the hell that was just then.
Since Alicia and I's awkward encounter, I knew it was probably best to keep my distance and only converse when we needed to. Personally, I could live with only being her friend, but she didn't want that and I wasn't going to force myself on her. She was fair to want that, even if she'd gone about it in the wrong way. So, I stayed away.
Instead, I focused my energy on helping Luciana help Daniel, who was forgetting things slowly with time. He believed his daughter, Ofelia, was still alive and out there, so it was a struggle keeping him in the sub where it was safe. That, and creating a plan to get Grace and Mo back whilst simultaneously stopping Strand was keeping everyone busy.
It was a few days later when Alicia had left, following a lead on where this 'PADRE' person or place could be – according to Morgan, anyway. It wasn't like she'd said anything to me before she left. I didn't even know she'd gone until Morgan let everyone know afterwards.
She wasn't well, her fever only getting worse over the past few days, and the last thing she should have been doing was going outside all alone, chasing a lead that might not even exist. But it wasn't my business, I suppose, and she wouldn't have listened to my protests anyway.
As much as I pretended I didn't care, I did. And my concern only worsened when Alicia finally returned to us, though not by choice. It was Morgan who had brought her back after searching for her because she was gone too long. He'd found her unconscious and could barely carry her back to the submarine without needing extra hands. My heart had fallen into my gut when I saw her out of it, dark eyes closed and highly contrasting her pale skin.
Immediately jumping into action, I helped Morgan take her to her bunk, taking off her socks, shoes and jacket. She would have cursed me out or dropped some passive aggressive comment, but I also removed her gloves and arm, needing to get some fresh air to her skin. She was burning up, hair glued to her forehead, and my heart was shrinking the longer I watched her.
"You're gonna be okay," I whispered to her, even though she couldn't hear a thing. "You've got to be."
My fingers pushed her damp curls behind her ear, the sweat beading on her skin. She was too hot, but the cold cloth I was dabbing seemed to cool her down a little.
If things hadn't gotten so messed up between us – if I hadn't confessed my damn feelings to her – then maybe she would have trusted me enough to come with her to find whatever PADRE was. I couldn't have cared less about it, but at least I could have been there to make sure she was taking care of herself. We were so close at one point, as thick as thieves, and now she wanted nothing to do with me. I hated it.
But more importantly, I hated myself for being selfish for one moment, because it had cost me my friendship with her.
I stayed with her for a while, replacing the cold towel and dabbing her skin to bring down her temperature. My worry wouldn't let me leave her side, not whilst she was like this. But as soon as I saw her green eyes flicker open with confusion, I knew she'd want me gone.
"Morgan?" I called, standing up and putting the towel to the side. "She's awake!"
He was in the room in no time, just as concerned as I, and sighed with relief when he saw her fully waking up. I moved past him, giving him no chance to ask what was what, and left to go somewhere else.
I went to my bunk in another room, grateful nobody was there to see my disheartened self. At least she was okay. Morgan would make sure of it.
Busying myself with folding some washed clothes, trying to distract myself from the impending doom that seemed to be following us wherever we went, I almost didn't hear the knock on my open door.
"Yes?" I spun around, then paused, surprised to see Alicia standing there.
"Hey," she said quietly, voice hoarse.
"Hey," I murmured, still surprised that she was talking to me. "I'm glad you're up, but maybe you should rest."
She didn't look the best still, especially as she leaned against the door for support. But if she heard me say anything, she didn't let on. Her eyes were focused on the floor, distracted, and then she finally looked up, startled gaze meeting mine.
"You have to forgive me," she said suddenly, desperately. "For lying to you. For pushing you away. For making you feel worse."
My brows furrowed. "What?"
She began to frown, eyes watering. "I might be dying. And I know it's selfish, especially after everything, but I miss you, Y/N. And I've loved you this whole time, but you deserve better."
My eyes widened at her confession. This was the last thing I expected to hear, especially with the silent treatment and distance we'd shared these past few days.
"Say something, please," she pleaded.
I swallowed hard, looking around as if the answer would be right there. "I... I don't know what to say."
She tensed her jaw with uncertainty, waiting.
I took a moment, finding the right words to say. Calmly, I said, "If this is all true–"
"It is," she cut me off instantly, and I stared at her, unmoving.
"Why are you telling me now?" I asked. "What's changed?"
She sighed, ashamed. "The closer I get to dying, the worse I feel and the more scared I become."
"Alicia, you're not dying," I said sternly, sick of hearing it, but she only winced slightly in response and I knew she didn't believe me.
"I am," she said with finality, making me frown. "And I thought that pushing you away would be what was fair. It still is, for you." Inhaling sharply, she avoided my eyes. "I'll be gone and it's not fair to tell you how I feel when that'll happen, but I can't help it. If I'm only here for so long, I... I want it to be with you." Her eyes crept back to mine, glistening with unshed tears. "I don't want to go knowing that I didn't have to be alone in the end. That I pushed you away."
My heart was full as I watched her, her own heart on her sleeve, expression full of embarrassment, shame and guilt. It made sense what she was saying, but I only wished she hadn't thought like that.
"Firstly," I started, approaching her, "you're not dying, so quit saying that. Secondly, I'm gonna help you. This isn't it, okay?" I followed her eyes, refusing to let her break contact. "But no more stupid walkabouts without help. Thirdly, the fact that you thought pushing me away would be fair to me is insane. In case you didn't hear me the last time, I'm in love with you. Have been for a long. Why the hell would you think I'd just get over you like that? That I wouldn't forgive you?"
"But I was horrible," she reminded me. "I disregarded your feelings."
I looked down, holding out my hand. She placed hers in mine reluctantly, and I squeezed it gently to show her I meant what I was saying.
"You're not now," I told her. "And I would have had you in my life as a friend, an enemy, even a stranger, rather than not at all. You could literally tell me you hate me and I'd still be here. Guess that's what love does, right?"
When I looked up, her eyes were on mine, a tear having slipped out. Her lips were trembling and it broke my heart.
"Come here," I said, tugging her close, and she fell right into me, hugging me tight.
I fought back my own tears as I wrapped my arms around her, grateful to have her back. It was just my luck that she loved me, too.
After a moment, I tried to pull apart, but she stopped me, immediately pressing her lips to mine in a sloppy, desperate, teary kiss. I closed my eyes, kissing her back whilst letting her lean on me for support. When we pulled apart, I cupped her face and wiped her tears away with my thumbs, not wanting her to be so upset anymore. I leaned in, pressing a brief kiss to her lips, the butterflies in my stomach almost lifting me off the ground. Any other instance and I would have been too caught up in the fact that she liked me, too, but her well-being was my biggest concern right now.
"I'm sorry," she said, barely a whisper.
"You don't need to apologise," I told her, before letting go of her face and taking her hand. "You do need to rest though. C'mon."
I half expected her to protest, but she let me take her back to her bunk. I didn't leave her side as she lay back down, a relieved sigh escaping her lips. Stroking my fingers in her hair, I was glad to see her eyes closing contently, appreciating the momentary peace.
"I promise I'm gonna fix this," I said with conviction. "You're going to get better."
"But if I don't–"
"No buts," I stopped her. "You will."
She opened her eyes slowly, an almost childlike wonder in them, both desperate and hopeful. Those were the same eyes I'd fallen in love with over the years, the same eyes I'd once avoided because I was too scared to admit how I felt. Never did I believe I'd end up here.
She nodded at my words and I'd almost forgotten I'd spoken because of how distracted I got. I pressed a tender kiss to her forehead and continued to stroke her hair, watching her eyes close yet again.
I wasn't going to lose her, not now that I had her back.
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Who came back?
Well, it's likely Morgan...
Sorry to disappoint!
But it's actually good news for us, why? As I've mentioned in past posts, everything from the time of Coda is being repeated.
And that would include the return of Morgan.
We have just seen a repeat of the coda symbol in DD episode 6. It's the first time we have seen it since the episode Coda.
And we saw two of them very close together, twins.
Morgan's return back in season 5 was heavily linked to the Coda, so much so that he actually touched the Coda symbol while being in a Coda to the episode called Coda! Phew...😧 follow that if you can!
I've mentioned how the convergence of signs will proceed Beth's return, and those signs will be the same but inverted to how she left.
So when we see a combination of Grady and Terminus symbolism plus throw in Morgan possibly returning, we know her return is very close.
In other words, what happened in sequence when she left will happen in reverse when she returns.
In the past, Morgan lost his son, causing him to eventually try and track down Rick, leading him to Alexandria.
At present, Morgan in FTWD gained a daughter (Mo) and left the group, taking his daughter to head out and find Rick Grimes. He is heading back to Alexandria once again but with inverted circumstances.
In the Coda of Coda, where Morgan touches the Coda 😁 we see Morgan first on the train tracks to Terminus. He doesn't go because of Rick's sign. This detour leads him to the coda symbol on the tree and he touches it.
After touching the coda, he then goes to a school where he finds music magazines and a Beth lookalike walker, who he stabs in the head.
He then makes his way to the church, but before getting there, he sees this symbol on a tree.
The logical negation symbol basically reverses the meaning of something.
We saw another one of these symbols in episode 502 where Bob gets taken from the church and taken to the school by Gareth from Terminus.
In fact, we see the negation symbol, and then the very next scene is Carol and Daryl taking off in the car to find Beth.
Everything between the two symbols could be considered false and opposite, including Beth's death!
Beth dying between these two negation symbols: = Beth didn't die.
After seeing this negation symbol, Morgan heads into the church, and the first thing he touches is the cross ✝️.
Bob and Morgan follow the same path from church to school but reversed. After they come across the negation symbol.
Now it's very possible that Morgan came across Beth back in the day, and we just don't know about it yet.
I've talked about the White House filming spoilers from season 5 before and how Emily was seen filming at these houses, but we never saw the footage on the show. So it's believed they are holding onto for a flashback sequence when she returns.
But some may not remember, it was also speculated that Morgan was seen filming at night in the same location.
Overall, whatever happens, the fact Morgan is returning to find Rick Grimes means Beth will be coming back too, very soon. As the negation symbol suggests, she will be very much alive.
I am often talking about the use of the biblical last days themes to tell the story. Well, the negation symbol is actually another addition to this.
The prophet Isaiah talks about the negation symbol believe it or not.
Isaiah was known for prophesying about the last days.
In Isaiah 5:20-21 the prophet illuminates the heart condition of those who have become corrupt in their thinking. He states: Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness: Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter.
He talks about a time when everything is the opposite to the truth, as in, good is bad and bad is good. AKA the logical negation symbol.
Interestingly, Isaiah says Woe to anyone who does this.
Woe is a term of judgement. Whenever a prophet or Christ uses the term woe, it's to pronounce a bad end and bad death for the object of the woe.
Bob touched the symbol of woe as he leaned against the tree to cry, and in the very next episode, he dies a very bad death.
Gareth walks past the negation symbol and also has a very bad death at the hands of Rick's red machete.
It may not bode well for poor Morgan in the end that he also walks past it. The coda symbol seems to have moved his woe further down the timeline.
In addition to all this, we first see the negation symbol in episode 5.02. The bible verse about the negation is found in Isaiah 5.20, and Bob dies a very bad death in episode 3.
Isaiah talks about those who turn bad to good and good to bad as corrupted in their thinking.
So It's no wonder that Gareth and co receive the Woe as they had obviously become corrupted. Who thinks eating other humans is ok? 😵💫
But what about Bob? Well, with Bob, they portrayed it in a different way. His flesh was corrupted. He was tainted meat! 🍖 🥓 🥩 🍖 🤢
Added extra...
There is a reason Daryl currently has a black eye again, just as Carol is about to be reintroduced.
It's because this all happened once before.
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