#medical treatment/surgery from the get-go and just lied to about the nature of said treatments

[intersexdabi]

i've really been thinking about intersex touya and exactly what his experience was

#a chromosomal disorder that wasn't discovered until late due to medical neglect? #medical treatment/surgery from the get-go and just lied to about the nature of said treatments #forced surgical intervention at infancy OR as a teenager

[al-perthe]

The Arcana - MC with Epilepsy Headcanons (LIs & Courtiers)

I know we're most of the way through November, but it's National Epilepsy Awareness Month, and as someone with seizures, I thought I'd do a headcanon post for the Main 6 & Courtiers with an apprentice who has epilepsy - can be interpreted as platonic or romantic if you so choose. The Courtier ones are more about prevention or very specific scenarios so theymaynotbeasgood

Note that epilepsy manifests differently for everyone, so I may not have had the same experiences as someone else; I did my best to research outside of my own experiences but it may come across as rather general or vague. That being said, feel free to add on if you'd like to contribute (especially for the Courtiers... pls help).

EDIT: Under a read more because I didn’t realize how big this was, sorry!

ASRA:

Getting you to take your medication, and remember when to do so, was one of the challenges he faced when you awakened without any memories three years ago.It really took him a while to feel safe travelling out of the city, constantly worrying about what if you forgot a dose, what if you had a really bad seizure and got hurt, or even the thought of you just having a smaller one and feeling alone and afraid... As someone who enjoys naps, he's probably the best at making sure you get a good night of rest to help prevent seizures.

Safe. Peaceful. No danger.

Naturally, Faust is going to help comfort you after a seizure, especially if she can tell that you're experiencing fear and/or confusion as a result of it.

NADIA:

When you first started the investigation, you made sure she was aware of your condition. You assured her you'd be okay to take it on, just be a little patient if you were ever 'out of it' for a few minutes.

Oh, it's no trouble at all - she'll make sure that a specialist is brought in to ensure your treatment is the best it can be.

But a few moments later, she clarifies - this isn't being done for the sake of the investigation, and she apologizes if she gave off that impression. She does genuinely care about your well-being, and if she needs to take a step back or if there's more she can do, just let her know.

Her room is definitely the go-to spot if you need a quiet spot to wind down after a seizure.

Also good at making sure you're comfortable and can sleep well.

JULIAN:

Part of you wondered 'what if...?' when you found out about Julian's healing mark, but you dismissed it quickly - there's a chance it wouldn't work, and with the whole murder investigation going on, dealing with seizures (even if temporarily in theory) would just be another thing weighing on him. You couldn't do it. You wouldn't do it. It was selfish.As a doctor, he's the best at recognizing your symptoms as a result - he can tell right away if you're having an aura and need to move to a quieter spot or at least sit down. He does worry about it each time it happens, but puts on a calm face for your sake.Even Malak seems a little bit quieter when you're having a rough time with your epilepsy.Need a distraction afterwards ? Count on him to have a story from his travels to get your mind off it!Of course, let him know if your symptoms change, or if your medication doesn't seem to be having the same effect - he'll look into finding a more effective treatment.

MURIEL:

Inanna's the best at picking up when you're about to have a seizure, and lets Muriel know immediately.Since she can't always accompany him, he's done his best to learn to recognize when a seizure's on the way, or when it's happening. As someone who prefers peace and quiet, he knows the go-to places for some privacy if you're in the presence of other people.The most calming presence you could ask for once the seizure has passed. If you're experiencing confusion afterward, he asks you simple questions and makes simplified statements to help ground you in reality. So ironically, he's the best at helping you remember what happened.He may not be the best at striking up a conversation, but will offer you some words of comfort and reassurance afterwards.

PORTIA:

After your first seizure around her, she acknowledges that 'something just didn't feel right' moments before.

No guilty feelings though - once you've settled down, she asks what she can do to help in the future. She'll support you the best she can.

She's actually the one who brings you to Mazelinka, to see if she knows about any home remedies that could somehow help. At the very least, her soup will give you a good night's sleep to help prevent them!

Naturally, she also seeks guidance from Julian on how to help you with your condition.

If you're feeling anxious after a seizure, she's actually the one who's best at rationalizing you through those fears. The dread that there's someone just outside the cottage, the shop, etc that could hurt you? She checks out the windows and doors first, confirms with you that there's nobody out there, and reassures you that even if there was someone out there after you, they'll have to go through her first!

Expect to find notes from time to time with compliments or general positivity that also remind you to take your medication!

LUCIO:

If you've spaced out due to a seizure, you might need something repeated. He's not normally one for patience... but you're the exception. If anyone gives you a hard time for it, he's bound to round on them with a death glare.

As the Count, he's got access to all kinds of resources. He spares no expense at making sure there's specialists who can get you the best medication as possible, as quickly as possible, when you're in need of a new supply.

Mercedes and Melchior spend more time around you too - they aren't as quick to pick up on an oncoming seizure, but when they do, they make a great team. One of them stays with you, and the other goes off to find Lucio.

Need to get your mind off it? Did you know that he had a saltwater crocodile as a companion during his travels near the Sea of Persephia in his early mercenary days? When he first met the crocodile, it was clearly starving, so he had to wrestle it off... and as he goes on his heroic tirade, it's not so much the adventures themselves but the clearly exaggerated parts that entertain and distract you.

Sometimes you just need something or someone to hold onto, to keep you at peace and keep you feeling real after a seizure. Okay... so... patience, peace, and quiet aren't exactly his strong points. But - with a firm yet comforting hand on your shoulder - he's got your back, and you'll get through this.

VALDEMAR:

Epilepsy? It's actually more common than you think. They've naturally seen it plenty of times over the years.

Some types of epilepsy are limited to specific regions of the brain. Theoretically, it could be possible through surgery to alter or even remove the areas where your seizures generate... you leave it at a "I'll get back to you on it" and stick with your medication for now.

Then it finally happens. You've had a seizure in their presence. You're feeling confused and uneasy, but Valdemar doesn't seem bothered at all. "Seems like you're starting to come back. You might feel unwell for a few minutes, but that's typical in the postictal stage." More confusion. "... Right, simplified terms. You had a seizure. Now you're recovering. What you're feeling will pass. You need only wait a few minutes."

The explanations are nonchalant, blunt, and brief. But that just makes it easier to understand. It's... surprisingly calming, too. You scoot a little closer to them. They don't move away.

Will share interesting accounts of historical figures who also dealt with epilepsy, and reviews their own records of past patients with symptoms similar to yours to study potential triggers and effective treatments or preventions. After a while, you start talking beyond that, about how your day went and other chitchat. It seems that as a result of the time spent around you, they have grown... rather fond of your presence.

VALERIUS:

Obviously, for safety reasons, you're not going to drink heavily. But while some people have to avoid alcohol entirely due to their seizures, you're part of the typical group that can handle some alcohol, a drink or two depending on the strength.

If you're out with Valerius at some sort of soiree, he'll make sure that the one drink you get is the best one suited to your palate. Similarly, he points out the best food to pair with it so that way you're also eating to neutralize the alcohol.

Sometimes, you decide to pass on the drinking, and have fruit juice or even just straight up water served in a wine glass. He'll frown at you, but you KNOW you saw the briefest hint of amusement in his eyes.

To be frank, he usually attends these sort of gatherings for the wine and/or meeting with important figures. So he is ready to get you out of there if you need a quiet spot away from others.

He's not very good with reassurance. Sure, just a simple 'it's going to be okay' can help, but is it really enough? You can't just expect him to repeat it like a mantra or something. He's absolutely making that flustered face as he tries to figure out other things to say, but that's comforting on its own - he's trying for your sake.

VLASTOMIL:

Maybe there was a sudden flash of lightning, maybe there was some 'grand finale' of a fireworks show, but your photosensitivity stirred up a seizure in you.

He's not really sure what to do, but a cautious approach is a best approach.

He draws you aside later to ask about what happened - now admittedly, he's not very familiar with epilepsy. But photosensitivity? Absolutely! There are certain species of worm that are actually quite sensitive to lighting, such as... oh, right. The point is, for some enclosures, he's used a special type of tinted glass to reduce the effects of sunlight and nights when the moon is brighter, and perhaps something similar might be useful for you?

A week later, he brings you a pair of spectacles with darker lenses. They actually do the job pretty well? And he even had them designed to go along with your aesthetic? Whether he had them commissioned or if he just crafted them himself, this is... surprisingly nice.

Oh, and you can't forget the tea. Filling you in on the latest gossip and the occasional Worm Fact once you're feeling calmer is his way of taking your mind off any lingering anxiety. Also, he recommends a variety of herbal teas that calm nerves or even help you fall asleep.

VOLTA:

The first time it happened, oh, Volta did not know what to do! She was so distraught that someone else had to step in and help you collect yourself.

But now that she's aware of your condition, she will offer you words of comfort and kindness to help you after your seizure has passed. Volta's a sweetheart, of course she'd be good at that!

She has a highly developed sense of smell thanks to all the food she exposes herself to. It seems as though, when you were having stronger or more frequent seizures, there was something in your diet you had been eating more often.

In other words, she helped you determine that certain foods were contributing to your seizures. Grapefruit seemed to be the only thing you needed to avoid - come to think of it, you recall that it doesn't react well with certain components used in preparing your medicine - and other foods just needed to be consumed less.

She'll eat those foods at any gatherings, since you're trying to avoid them... oh, but save some of the other dishes for Volta, too!

VULGORA:

Tonic-clonic or grand mal seizures... call them what you will, but point is, if you collapse and lose consciousness in a seizure, they will get everyone to STAND. BACK.

"It's a seizure, just give it a minute or two, it'll pass! I SAID, STAND. BACK!! IF you're so much as THINKING about trying to hold them down, DON'T. NO! Swallowing the tongue IS NOT A THING!! Not unless you CUT IT OFF and FORCE IT IN SOMEONE'S MOUTH! Which I am CLEARLY NOT DOING!!"

... Okay, so getting other people to stay calm while you're having a seizure is not their strong suit. But they're certainly good at getting people to keep their distance, at least.

They're talkative and energetic! Of course being calm and quiet is hard for them! ... But maybe that's just another challenge for them to conquer? The first time they tried they basically just held their breath as long as they could.

Someone actually had the audacity to make a rude remark about your condition. But unfortunately for them, they somehow missed the bright red figure of Pontifex Vulgora in the vicinity.

That person was never seen in Vesuvia again. Because they moved out, after receiving a rather persuasive argument to move to... some other place. Oh, okay, you were worried there was some other reason they disappeared.

#the arcana #the arcana headcanons #epilepsy awareness month #arcana apprentice #arcana mc #asra alnazar #nadia satrinava #julian devorak #muriel kokhuri #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #count lucio #lucio morgasson #valdemar #valerius #vlastomil #volta #vulgora #epilepsy

[drwcn]

I was reading your post about consent for surgery and I had a question. Aren't there cases where if the patient is not of sound mind or unable to make an informed decision, then family can decide for them? That's not to say that WWX was entirely of sound mind at that point (he'd also been through insane trauma & was trying desperately to hold onto the family he had left). But JC was in a much worse state and retrospectively I agree JC would never have agreed to taking anyone else's core, but 1/2

I know I said i wasn’t going to answer asks until I’m done my exams but this one just came in and it’s a topic close and dear to my heart, so I’m going to take a couple of minutes to answer it. Thank you for the ask, but I think this brings up a lot of misconceptions of what is medical consent, capacity, competency, and substitute decision making. This is a very complicated and legally heavy topic. So it will be a long post. I apologize for that. 

There are several misconceptions in the ask, and I will be addressing them in this order: 

That Jiang Cheng is “not of sound mine” and cannot “make an informed decision”. 

The role of family and substitute decision making 

“force a life saving measure on a family member”. 

Issue 1 : Jiang Cheng is not competent and has no capacity to consent. 

There is no doubt that Jiang Cheng has gone through significant trauma, and that he is emotionally fragile, but this does not medically equate him to having no capacity to make surgical decisions and this certainly does not make him legally incompetent. If I may, I will define “informed decision”, “capacity” and “competency”.  

The criteria of obtaining informed consent is described below. 

Decision maker must: 

Be aware of his/her right to withdraw consent at any time

Be free of undue influence, duress or coercion in making the consent decision (aka no one is paying them or holding a gun to their head)

Receive a proper explanation that includes but is not limited to:

diagnosis reached

advised interventions and treatments;

exact nature and anticipated benefits of the proposed examination, assessment, treatment or procedure;

common risks and significant risks; 

reasonable alternative treatments available, and the associated common risks and significant risks; and

natural history of the condition and the consequences of forgoing treatment;

All of this must be explained to the patient before a procedure can be undertaken. And the patient must be able to understand what is told, and to appreciate the gravity of their choice. This brings us to the idea of “capacity”. 

Capacity is not how emotionally distressed you are, or how traumatized you are. If my partner (the love of my life) and I both got into a horrible car accident, but I sustained minor injuries while he requires significant surgery, you can reasonably assume that I am in deep emotional distress. However, if I were his POA (power of attorney), I would still have the capacity to decide and consent for his surgery on his behalf if he is no longer capable (e.g.: he is unconscious).  

Capacity refers to a person’s ability to make a decision that is “task specific”. As in, can he make a decision about this particular thing we’re asking him. It requires the person (Jiang Cheng) to:

Reason and deliberate - can Jiang Cheng make logical sense of the procedure and its consequences.  

Hold appropriate values and goals - Jiang Cheng would want to protect his family, avenge his parents and defeat Wen Ruohan. 

Appreciate one's circumstances - does Jiang Cheng know that without his surgery he will never get core back? Does he know the risks of the surgery to himself, to his brother, and its chances of success? 

Understand information one is given - are Jiang Cheng’s cognitive functions intact to for him to understand and appreciate the information given? 

And communicate a choice.

Can Jiang Cheng do all of that? The conclusion of the assessment for capacity ultimately lies with the attending physician. Medical capacity is a result of a physician’s assessment. Capacity wasn’t even a consideration for Jiang Cheng. Wen Qing agreed because Wei Wuxian begged, and probably because she also felt guilty. And that’s not how she should’ve done it. 

From what I have seen on the show, Jiang Cheng is capable. I can say with 99% confidence that what happened to him is a gross violation of his bodily autonomy and his rights. No physician would agree to do a surgery the way Wen Qing did. In a way, she was compromised, and she should’ve seen that there was a conflict of interest between herself, Wei Wuxian, and her patient Jiang Cheng. If I were her, I would be mortified that I had done something like this. 

On the other hand, competency is a legal status. It doesn’t change with activity and task. A judge needs to decide this and once you’re deemed incompetent, there’s usually no going back. This doesn’t really apply in CQL because...well they don’t have a judicial system. I can explain competency fully in another ask if you’re still interested. One thing I will say is that even “incompetent” individuals can have “capacity” for certain decisions. E.g: my grandmother with dementia while she cannot decide whether she undergoes a knee replacement or not, she can decide that she doesn’t want apple sauce with her morning meal. Again, competency is a global assessment leading to a legal status change, whereas capacity is task specific. 

Issue 2: the role of family and substitute decision maker 

Substitute decision makers (SDM) are brought in when the patient is deemed lacking capacity to make a certain decision, and as I have explained above, Jiang Cheng does not qualify as lacking capacity. In modern law, the role of SDM is different from country to country, even provinces/states to provinces/states. 

For a lot places, pediatric patients are not able to consent for themselves and their parents are usually their SDM. This is not the case where I live. Children, as long as they are assessed by their physician to be capable of making specific decisions, will be able to make decisions in their medical treatment. This assessment is on-going throughout medical care. In many other places, parents are the SDMs. However: please note that good medical practice will still include the children in the discussion of their care as much as is appropriate for their age and ability, and that while they cannot consent, clinicians must try their best to obtain children’s ‘assent’ (aka their agreement and cooperation).  

For seniors with dementia, their SDMs are their spouse or in lack that, their children. Without a specific POA - power of attorney, that is the one person the patient has written down as their legal SDM - all SDMs on the same level must come to an agreement before a procedure can be carried out. What do I mean by that? SDMs come in levels. Where I live, at the top level is the spouse. Without a specific designated POA, spouse is always SDM, their decision trumps everyone else’s. Without a spouse, the next on the list is usually children. If there are multiple children, they must all agree on what to do for mom or dad before the doctor can act. If they can’t agree, there’s usually a due process where physicians can petition the court to have a designated third-party SDM appointed.  In all cases with SDMs, they should not be acting according to their own values but the values and wishes of the patient to be best of their understanding. If doctors suspect that SDMs are not following the values of their patient, there is also a process where they can petition the court to have the SDMs’ rights removed. It’s a very lengthy process and this doesn’t happen often. 

For Jiang Cheng, if for example he never gained consciousness (so he is completely incompetent) and we consider Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian to be at the same SDM level (JC’s siblings), then they should’ve had a discussion with Jiang Cheng’s values and beliefs in mind and come to a conclusion together. Only that decision should be implemented. Of course, this didn’t happen because WWX and his martyr complex made an unilateral decision for himself based on what he thinks is right.

Issue 3: Forcing people to live against their will.  

Does this happen? Tragically yes. It does. Should it happen? No. Absolutely no. 

The grey areas are when a senior never wrote in legal documentation explicitly that they don’t want life sustaining measure, but that maybe in passing they’ve mentioned to their nurse or physician. When they become incompetent (coma, dementia, delirium, stroke, rapid decline in cognitive function), the children want everything to be done for dad or mom, and refuse to switch to palliative care or to end life support. 

In those cases, unfortunately, many institutions will go with the families’ wishes because hospitals don’t want to be sued, and families do sue, even when all the medical team has done is respect the patient’s wishes. 

There are many pediatric cases as well where parents cannot cope with their loss and can’t let go. The child could be brain-dead or in persistent vegetative state, and so even though nurses and doctors feel a lot of moral distress at continuously giving aggressive measure that they know it won’t help, they can’t stop. Because if they do, they can get sued. And sometimes it’s not even just a matter of lawsuits. These things can get crazy, media can twist the truth and people can get death threats. Feel free to google these cases. 

So yeah, it happens. But it shouldn’t. Just because it happens, doesn’t mean it’s right. 

And this doesn’t apply to Jiang Cheng. Because he isn’t brain dead, he isn’t in a coma, he doesn’t have frontal cortex damage, he doesn’t dementia. He is in complete control of all his faculties. So what happened to him was a crime. And if there are other examples where patients were forced into/lied to about medical procedures by their family, those are crimes too. 

And yes CQL is a tv show set in fantasy china, so does it all really matter? I guess, if you don’t care that much about the drama, then no, it doesn’t matter. But keep in mind this wasn’t a historical drama, we’re not analyzing a historical figures’s actions with modern ethics. That would be misplaced. This was a fantasy drama, written by a modern girl, living in modern society. And its audiences are people living in the global community, so it should matter how it impacts the viewers who watch it. 

From a modern western medical perspective, Jiang Cheng does not owe Wei Wuxian, Wen Qing, and Wen Ning anything. I liked Wen Ning up until he threw the core surgery reveal in Jiang Cheng’s face so cruelly. People cheered him on, but I was very upset. 

Jiang Cheng owes these three nothing. Not a damn thing. 

#corie replies #the untamed #cql #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #wen qing #wen ning #cql meta #medical consent: a running saga

[shelleyvanniekerk]

Cant find a fitting title ???

I have not blogged much of late, mainly because I feel like a stuck record and also I don't think people have time to read blogs much anymore, and my topic is rather depressing to say the least. I hate to always sound like I am complaining, but somehow writing about what goes on in your head allows it to make sense for yourself so you don't think you going mad, and maybe sometimes it hits home for others, and they can look at things with a different view and have a little bit more understanding.

So my question is this. Imagine you were told you had a terminal disease, and there is no cure. And the only thing that may extend your life (for no guaranteed time), is medication that you have to take daily. That's not too bad you might think, I mean most people are on some sort of medication for a chronic condition and the meds may be life saving. But add to that, that this medication has no guarantee, and hellish side effects! You also have to go for monthly injections, monthly blood tests, and three monthly scans, and oncology visits to hear the outcome. I'm on my 16th cycle now so its been just over a year that this has been gone on. I cant count how many times I have been poked by needles and how many pills I've swallowed, and how many scans/tests I've had and how many times I've had to sit at the Doctors rooms waiting for results. The worst is I've done it all pretty much alone, because of Covid I've not been allowed to take anyone with me. And yes on top of all this you have Covid to worry about. You are high risk and so as if you don't have enough to worry about there is a virus going around killing people also, and guess what, it affects the lungs. 

So my cancer has spread to my lungs and in the beginning they said spine, ribs and right femur. They have since ruled out spine as what they saw on the scans was a life long issue with my discs, even though I told them that in the beginning, they are more likely to assume its cancer. They don't comment on the ribs anymore - I am assuming since they haven't responded to the treatment that it is not cancer and the right femur we don't know about because they have not done another full body scan to actually check that.

I've made peace with the fact that I have to take the pills daily, it is after all a small price to pay for extended life. Although sometimes when I have a few wines in, (yes I drink), I get really annoyed with it and have violently thrown the tablets around some nights spewing out some vulgar language about how much I hate taking them. I have to diarize each time I take them, so obviously I do take them and at the same time everyday, 6h30 each night to be exact.

What I cant seem to make peace with is for starters, the monthly injections. Mostly because they are painful and its not a pleasant experience being jabbed in the stomach each time and you left with a nasty bruise. Sometimes the bruise from the month before is still there and then you get the next bruise. I have the decision of having my ovaries removed, that way I wont need the monthly jabs anymore, but again that's surgery, and now with Covid I don't really want to go to hospital unnecessarily any time soon. But I do get dreadful pains in the ovaries, much like a period and that just makes me mad, I mean, why do I need to put up with unnecessary pain? But its something I will do before the end of the year I think. That will sort one issue out at least. Well two, considering the pain.

Also I have not made peace with the scans and the results.... it really is a difficult thing for me. Its called in cancer terms, scanxiety and yes it exists its not something I made up. And the thing is because its every three months, its like you in a never ending cycle of anxiety. I never relax. I can never sit back and be complacent and think ‘everything is ok’, because with cancer you just never know. I mean 7 years ago I was stage one, it didn't go to the lymph nodes where it apparently goes first if it does spread, and I had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation and and and - and I thought back then that its all over. But it wasn't was it. It went to the lungs and I found out myself because I could not stop coughing and went to see a new GP who suggested bloods. Funny that my oncologist never did bloods - she said they just don't do them and a physical examination is good enough. Well clearly its not. Clearly. If anyone is ever in this situation demand blood tests.... at least every three months. I think its very necessary to keep a record of your cancer count. I mean how the hell else are you supposed to know what's going on it your body? Had they picked it up 3 years ago when I had a normal chest x-ray and started me on treatment then, maybe things would have been different. Who knows.

And that brings me to the anger. That on top of the anxiety. Its the anger that I cant deal with. I thought I had dealt with it but every time I hit a wobbly, its very evident to those around me, especially my husband who gets the brunt of it, that I have not dealt with the anger. But then again, how can you? How can you make peace with the fact that you did everything you should have, and then this nasty disease still decided to come back. How do you make peace with the negligence on the doctors side? And how do I make peace with the fact that this is my lot in life and nothing I do can change it. I mean I love the fact that some people can become NED (no evidence of the disease) after being stage 3 or 4.... and apparently they do so with various things. But its not the case for everyone. Some peoples bodies just don't respond to any diet, any miracle pill, any exercise, and it just keeps spreading elsewhere. And trust me its not for lack of trying. I do follow a reasonably good diet, I do try exercise and drink water, I do take vitamins and constantly searching for new things. I do take cannabis oil, and I'm forever trying to incorporate natural things that have proven to have good results for cancer like turmeric, ginger, bicarb and lemon blah blah blah. The only thing I have been consistent on is the cannabis because it took me from being on 3 patches of morphine to almost no pain in a matter of months so I truly believe in its benefits.

And so far after about 14 months (or more I don't know) I have had good results. Meds and all. There has been about 40% shrinkage and there is no new cancer so that is great news. But I'm at a point now that no matter the results, even though they have been good and I'm very grateful, I still feel so defeated. I cannot get excited and jump up for joy, purely because A) I am anxious about what lies ahead and B) because I've been disappointed before. I've been misdiagnosed and been through so much already that even though its good news I just cant find inner peace, happiness or joy right now. The anxiety outweighs everything, and I wish I could shake it off somehow, but I just cant. I am constantly reminded of cancer, and I'm constantly going for scans and bloods and tests that one never gets to a point where you can forget, even for just a little while. Why cant I just be happy and forget about all this, just for a little while?

I've tried to hand things over to God, I talk to him daily. He knows my struggle. I so hate people who say you don't have enough faith... gosh, whatever. Some people just need a kick up the arse for their insensitivity. They don't know my relationship with God and let me tell you if you were in my shoes you would be quivering in your shoes also, and trust me faith is hard to find when you got all this going on!

So I wake up scared and I go to bed scared and the anxiety is just the pits. And I just try to the best of my ability to function like a normal person, wife, mother, friend, daughter etc. But this thing has seriously taken over my personality. Most of the time I'm faking everything and its so exhausting. So so exhausting. This Covid hasn't helped because that in itself has presented new challenges and has made life rather depressing on top of everything else. But here we all are, trying hard to keep our heads above water and plod on despite the horrible stuff happening around us. 

I am however exceptionally lucky to have a very understanding husband and some really awesome friends. There are a few people in my life that truly understand and never judge me. There are also some who have no clue and they judge me for sure behind my back. I'm not too worried about the judgements because you know, none of us are perfect and if you think you are then you have a big surprise when God Almighty comes down one day soon and tells you what a terrible person you have been.... (eeek, I am judging now too). But I am very grateful to those who have stuck around despite my Wobblies, who genuinely care and love me despite my craziness. You know who you are and I love you so so so very much. And of course my daughter who keeps me on my toes. Without her I would be locked up in an asylum pleading with the nurses to let me go!

To anyone and everyone who is going through a similar journey (I hate that word) , I get you, I totally get you. I love you and I pray for you. And most of all I wish I could make everyone’s pain go away. 

Blessings and love always

Shelley

[freerabbitmanandpig]

My Friend With Parkinson’s

On Oct 1st of this year I was given compassionate release from Allenwood USP for (what was diagnosed as) an unspecified connective tissue disorder. I had served roughly 60 months of a 70 month sentence. To secure this extraordinary release my lawyer had sited the new emergency COVID increased risk criteria, pointing to my status of being prescribed immunosuppressants, as well as suffering from lifelong asthma. Being as that I’d been housed in a care-level 3 medical facility, most of my time had been spent around inmates with chronic conditions, many of them without a chance of making it home within the course of their natural lives. Conscious of the fact that many of these men lacked the financial resources available to my family, especially as the pandemic has left many people in the street without regular employment, I made promises to some of these men to attempt to get their stories out into the world.

Christian Tarantino (Reg. # 14684-050) is a middle-aged man that I met while in Allenwood. A gambler with a good sense of humor, who was generous with his friends and, while in the street, lethal to those who stood in his way. According to the FBI, back in the early 90s Chris was part of a crew that committed a number of armed robberies. In 2011 he was sentenced to three consecutive life-terms for the murder of a guard during an armored car robbery back in 1994, as well as the murder of one of the participants whom he feared would flip on him.

Criminals, conscious of their own status, tend to withhold judgement, and I’d be lying if the description of Chris as a “cold killer”, spoken to me with admiration by more than a few inmates, did not inspire this same admiration in me upon hearing the stories of his exploits. To be clear, I never personally heard Chris tell any stories about his case, or murder in general; the stories he did tell me were often funny ones about the club scene in NY, or his dog. The problem was that, when Chris spoke, I often had to strain to hear him. Still, the Parkinson’s had made him patient over the years, and he did not get frustrated when a person had to ask him to repeat himself, sometimes multiple times. No matter how long it took for him to finish the story, it was worth it to hear it all the way through – as I said, he was funny.

Chris and I had started talking more about his disease a month before my release, after having heard that the Marshall Project had published a short story of mine the year before. The problem, he’d told me one morning, was that a 15-minute analysis with the MD did not take in to account the fact that his PD fluctuated in intensity throughout the course of a given day. Even if you’re classified as a care level 3, you generally only get to see the facility’s MD once a year, with all subsequent outside appointments and medication adjustments being managed by your assigned PA. The key to adequate treatment lies then in the temperament of your PA. My PA was considered the best on the compound and was likely instrumental in getting me the workups and appointments I needed to secure my compassionate release. Chris’ PA was largely considered the worst on the compound (one of two), a bitter woman who often had to be compelled into action via administrative remedies, which Chris was inevitably forced to file. If he came to a sick-call and was not actively in the throes of intense contortions (which he sometimes referred to as ‘crazy legs’) then he was often disregarded. Chris and his PA were prone to devolve into shouting matches, nor was this a problem that she had only with him. Even when he wasn’t engaged in fighting the crazy legs, he was mostly still confined to his wheelchair. There were, on occasion, times when he felt in control of his legs enough to walk, albeit while holding on to another inmate’s shoulders. There was no shortage of willing shoulders, as inmates of all races would step up to ferry him, either to the computer room – where they would inevitable have to help him type his emails, or to the shower – where no handicap accommodations existed. This last omission struck many of us as particularly negligent, considering the yard’s care level. Another problem was the speech impediment. I’d often heard him ask, rhetorically, how it was that sounding like “a retard” when he spoke was not a clear enough indicator of the severity of his condition, regardless of the tremors. Of course ‘retard’ is not really the best adjective for any modern condition, but the point was still valid that, when he spoke, he sounded like a person recovering from a massive stroke – only he wasn’t recovering, Parkinson’s is a degenerative illness.

          The prison had no choice but to provide him with follow-ups to the local neurologist after a highly invasive surgery, known as ‘deep brain stimulation’, in which a device, a ‘neurostimulator’, was implanted into his brain. This local doctor told Chris flat-out that he was incapable of treating him at this stage in his illness, nor is the facility capable of recalibrating his implant.

         At night, a small group of us would walk to pill line to get our evening medications. I got Elavil and Gabba Pentin – the former for my interstitial cystitis, and the Gabba Pentin for more generalized pain. Chris, on the other hand, got a bunch of different pills, each with an Old Testament-sized list of potential side effects. To add insult to injury, the medical staff crushed most of his medications, as though this middle-aged man in a plastic, yellow wheelchair, barely able to get the cup of powder into his mouth, would somehow be able – or even willing, to cheek these many pills so that he could smuggle them back to the unit and…. What? For anyone curious enough to look, Federal Penitentiaries are full to the point of bursting with real narcotics. Who the fuck wants to sniff twenty different PD meds?

         During these evening walks (some of our only time outside of the unit since the pandemic started) the subject of my pending motion came up on a regular basis. It was news, if nothing else. As for Chris, PD does not put him at an increased risk for COVID complications, and although I’d heard him, on occasion, tentatively breech the subject of outright compassionate release, his main request to me was that I put his story up, in the hope that perhaps someone else from the outside would get involved and get him moved to a medical facility. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling down in the shower and bearing the indignity of calling for help, alone and naked on a wet floor that’s covered with other men’s piss and body hair. Before I was released, I wrote one final staff request for him to the medical coordinator attempting to get him transferred to a care-level 4 facility. This was not his first attempt to obtain such a transfer, and, for the purposes of the request, Chris provided me with a list of names of staff members who had seen him fall down, or else had helped him get back to his cell after an accident. It was a long list.

         For a man who devoted a large part of his life to fitness, it’s a hard pill to swallow. In my mind I am stuck wondering what three consecutive life sentences (or a thousand for that matter) really means for someone like Chris, who’s own body has become a prison. In a sense I have an idea – back in 2017, my uncle Steven Parr – a successful and well known archivist in San Francisco, was diagnosed first with Parkinson’s, which was later amended to a diagnoses of Lewy-Body syndrome – a disease that bears similarities to PD. His initial suicide attempt was precluded by his manager, Adam, who was on the phone with my mother at the time. His second attempt, however, was successful. To me, though, the most poignant encapsulation of Chris’s attitude was made apparent when I was pushing him to the showers one morning. He’d removed his shirt before getting back in his chair, and I was struck by his apparent muscle tone and total lack of body fat, despite his sedentary lifestyle,

“Damn Chris, you’re in a wheelchair and still in better shape than half these dudes in here.”

“Yea..” he spoke slowly – struggling to force his tongue to conform to the consonants, “..this is the worst thing god could’ve done to me.”

         In a way it was cruel how the progress in my appeal seemed to engender a sense of hope in some of the other care level 3’s working fervently, without the aid of outside capital or competent legal help, to obtain their own releases before the virus made it’s way to the yard. By Oct 1st the USP at the Allenwood Correctional Complex had 7 cases, all of them quarantined in the shu after having arrived on a plane, and then a bus, with who-knows how many others potentially infected. They’d already shut the medium back down as, despite their ‘best’ efforts at screening all arrivals, 15 cases had popped up in general population. As I already stated above, the administration fought me every step of the way – even after the motion had been granted and I was only awaiting the end of my obligatory 2 week quarantine, the staff refused to allow me to call my family, my lawyer, or even probation, so that I could arrange for transport. I didn’t know whether I’d be going straight home or to a program until the last minute. I could see it in their faces every time they brought me legal mail or were forced to set up my screening for the drug program that I’m in now – they didn’t think I deserved it. Like they had only just found out via the granting of my motion that they presided over an unequal system. I got 8 months back – goodtime I’d lost, along with years-worth of visits and phone calls - “privileges” they justified in taking almost exclusively over dirty urines, and for what? Suboxone. At my final workup the MD confided in me that, prior to the pandemic, they’d been told by the region to start preparations for the MAT program (medication assisted treatment) and to apply for the DEA approval to begin prescribing both suboxone and vivitrol. Unfortunately, these proceedings had to be halted to focus their energies on the then emerging public health crisis. Maybe it’s my prejudices, but itt seemed to me that these people took it personally – as though those reclaimed 8 months had come directly off the end of their own lifespans.

#jail #mass incarceration #parkinsonsdisease #social justice #criminal justice

[mrlnsfrt]

Is This Love?

It is said that once in the old days in an Eastern city a poor old beggar, his body shrunken and sick and covered with sores was sent to one of the great hospitals, and after being there for some days, was taken to the operating room. In those days they did not have anesthesia, as they have now, and the patient could hear all the preparations for the ordeal. 

So before the surgeon began his work on this poor old wreck of a human being, he turned to the young medical students who were in attendance and using scholarly Latin, said to them, 

"Let's perform an experiment on this worthless body."

He thought his language wouldn't be understood, but this old beggar was once a great scholar himself. Although he had drifted away into liquor and sin, and had gone down the primrose path until he was just a wreck, he still understood Latin. So he lifted himself on one elbow there in the operating room and said, in perfect Latin,

"Yet for this worthless body, Jesus Christ has died. 

And so, what might often seem to us like a worthless body, a worthless person, a worthless, shattered, character; has infinite value. Because for this worthless one, this worthless life, Jesus Christ has died. And that puts an infinite worth on every human being. A human being is infinitely valuable, and this includes you.

Is this love?

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. - Romans 5:8 New Living Translation

God’s love for us is beyond our ability to comprehend. I have heard some Christians even criticize those who they perceive to overemphasize God’s love towards us. But I often wonder how can we fail to talk about what the Bible itself emphasizes? The Bible is the story of God desiring to save humans. God initiated the process, God paid the price, God offers us the rewards for free.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 6:23 English Standard Version

So I don’t think it is possible for anyone to ever talk too much about the love of God nor do I believe anyone will ever exhaust this topic. What I do wish to explore in this post is the ramifications the God’s love has and ought to have in the lives of the believers.

Is This Love?

Since God loves me even though I am imperfect. If Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner. How should this impact how I view myself? How much value does my life have? Imperfect as I may be, Jesus thought I was to die for. This should have a profound impact on how I think about myself, how I view myself and on how I feel about myself. After all Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. I wonder how someone who hates herself could manage to love her neighbor.

"The second is this, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' There is no other commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:31 New American Standard Bible

Here is another thing that came to mind as I was thinking about God’s great love for me. God cares much more about my heart than He does about my appearance.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7 New Living Translation

What I find fascinating is how easy it is for us to care much more about our appearance than our hearts/character. After all, everyone can see my appearance and make a snap judgment. Only people who really know me well are aware of the content or quality of my character. But this also causes me to wonder. Why do I care more about the snap judgment of those who know me least, than about what those who know me best think about me.

Allow me to elaborate. My spouse, my kids, my family members, my closest friends, those who are in close contact with me, and/or those who are often in contact with me, have to deal with my character. They have to deal with my heart. My appearance matters less to them. If my tie is not perfectly straight or if part of my hair is a bit out of place, they will not think differently of me, because they have a knowledge of me that goes deeper than my appearance.

When I invest in my character, I am investing in those people who are closest to me, the ones I love most and who love me the most. When I am honest, dependable, loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, those closest to me benefit the most. Although strangers will also benefit from those qualities. Also, those who admire you for your character, for your heart, will feel much more strongly about you then if their opinion of you was made up mostly due to your appearance.

Is This Love?

I have a daughter, she is 6 years old. I want to empower her. I want her to feel safe and confident in my love for her. I also want her to know that her heart, her character, matter much more than her appearance. I want her to invest her time, thoughts, and energy into developing who she is, and not waste time and money on improving merely her appearance. I don’t mean to say that her appearance does not matter. Appearances do matter, but I like to differentiate between accentuating natural beauty and modifications that end up being the equivalent of lies.

Smile, a smile looks good on you. Care for your body, keep it clean and healthy! You know what’s really good for your skin? Staying well hydrated. It is also great for your hair and eyes and nails. You know what looks great on you? A good night of sleep. Exercise, eating lots of fruits and veggies, all these things contribute to bringing your greatest potential to actuality. You become your better self when you invest in your health. Now I know it takes more effort, it takes more time, it won’t be a quick fix that you can do yourself after a short youtube tutorial.

I can see the appeal of just wanting buying precious metals and hanging them from new holes you perforated on your body. I can see how it is much faster to paint your face than to make the effort to change your lifestyle. I can understand how immediately looking healthier can be more appealing than the long journey to a healthier you. So you can choose to buy the precious metals to hang from your body, you can paint your face, and you can look different. But you are still the same, and at some point you will have to remove those things, and does your identity hold when all those things are removed? Have you learned to accept and love yourself? Or do you feel the need to cover up, hide, mask, distract, in order to have the courage to face the world?

I want my daughter to know that her natural beauty is more than enough. That the color and texture of her hair is just fine. the shape of her eyes, the color of her eyes, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her nose and chin, are all fine. She is of infinite value. Her value is not connected to her appearance but rather to her character. She is of great value because Jesus died for her. People love her because of who she is. She can be brave, and kind, and refuse to give up, and these qualities add to who she is. These qualities make up who she is, as opposed to cosmetics that cause her to hide and contribute to her becoming unsure and unhappy with her natural self. I want her to be confident in who she is in Jesus and not how well she compares to arbitrary and unrealistic standards of physical beauty.

There’s a recent article by Samantha Murphy Kelly, posted on CNN Business entitled “Plastic surgery inspired by filters and photo editing apps isn't going away.” On this article she discusses how an increasing number of people have an unrealistic obsession with correcting subjective flaws. This article also points out how people continue to make more unnecessary changes to their appearance which may cause them to lose perspective of what they really look like.

Some, like public relations executive Karla Barbosa, are proudly embracing the concept. She recently broadcast her treatment of a gold microinfusion facial -- a procedure that uses small needles to reduce the size of pores and with the intention of making the skin look airbrushed -- to her more than 31,000 followers.

"It's like a real-life filter for your face," she captioned the clip. "Seriously. GLASS SKIN." As Barbosa explained to CNN Business, "If you want to tweak a photo a bit more to feel a bit more confident ... or get a facial or botox filler to make you feel more confident ... that's up to the person and how they feel." - CNN Business

Self-acceptance

In order for me to properly love myself, I need to came to terms with who I am. Not trying to hide, not trying to make superficial changes, but seeing myself for who I am and accepting reality. The challenge is that not only is there a temptation regarding my appearance, there are also many things regarding my character, my heart, who I am at my core that I dislike. When I take time to examine myself it becomes clear to me that I disappoint myself much more often than I could possibly disappoint anyone else. My natural tendency is to refuse to forgive myself, refuse to accept myself, and demand that I improve myself. “I will grab my own bootstraps and lift myself out of this mess.” In this process, which is doomed to fail, I also alienate those around me, I push people away because they too are flawed, they too need to improve and so I push my personal unhappiness upon them, lest they experience joy in their current state of imperfection.

So I turn to self-help books, apps, gadgets, gismos, possessions, substances, surgical procedures and anything else that promises me a quick fix and that will help me feel better or stop caring, even if just briefly. But I do not feel comfortable turning to Jesus. Because when I cannot accept myself, I become almost angry at Him for accepting someone so pitiable as myself. How could anyone love me? And so I begin to doubt even the gospel.

Forgiven much = love much

When I realize who I really am, God’s love grows exponentially. God’s grace becomes even more amazing. When I realize that Jesus died for me, the worst sinner of them all. It changes everything!

This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. - 1 Timothy 1:15 New Living Translation

I realize how terrible I am, and that Jesus died for me and suddenly I feel deeper love and appreciation and amazement at God. I feel like singing praises to God. I desire to spend time with Him. I want to pray. I want to study the Bible. I want to share with others.

There is a story found in Luke 7:36-50 that illustrates this. I strongly recommend reading the whole story but main idea is found in verse 47.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”  - Luke 7:47 ESV

The insight I gained from this story is that as we become aware of our sins, our imperfections, all the times we fall short of the glory of God, we also experience greater love for God for His love and willingness to forgive us. When I am hiding my sins and blaming others for my shortcomings I feel like a pretty good person. I feel like it should not be too difficult for God to save me. I compare myself with those around me and feel superior. I build an armor based on works and refuse to truly examine myself. I stop confessing sins because doing so makes me feel vulnerable. I prefer to live a superficial life that looks Christian from a distance, but I refuse to delve into the vulnerability and messiness that true dedication to Christ demands. Looking at myself without the “makeup,” without the “jewelry,” (literal or symbolic) is painfully humbling, but on the other side of it is a deeper more authentic walk with Christ and the true experience of salvation. Not based on anything I do, but wholly dependent on what Christ did and does for me.

Is this love?

Out of this authentic experience with Christ and His great love for me comes a deep desire to serve Him and demonstrate my love for Him.

If you love Me, you will keep My commandments. - John 14:15 Berean Literal Bible

Finally, I find myself serving God out of a deep and sincere desire to do so. Not out of fear, not only out of a sense or responsibility and duty, but out of a joyful, grateful, thankful heart. I find myself obeying because I love and not because I fear. I want to do my absolute best, I want to go further, I want o to do more, out of love. I fall in love with Christ and it changes absolutely everything in my life.

Now I face life from a place of deep love for Jesus, ready and willing to love my neighbor as myself. I am finally willing to be vulnerable for the sake of the gospel, because when I am weak, then I am strong.

Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:10 NET Bible

#love #practical #life

[cyclicallife]

dépression nerveuse

Traveling does wonders for the mind and spirit. Each traveler has such a unique and individual experience, this, to me, is where the power of exploration lies.

It has always been a way for me to reflect. I can step back and observe my life from a different perspective. It has a sort of meditative quality in that I, from that place of outside observer, can sit with choices made or actions taken or even, more importantly, choices at hand. Perhaps it is because when traveling I can just be. I can strip away the layers and titles and personas and simply be. In doing so it is easier to stand back and look at one’s life and look at the past, look at one’s present. Without the smothering layers of what one is, what & how one should be, etc., things become a little clearer.  

My mother, the sweet and generous lady that she is, lumped together not only my graduation gift but my Christmas gift and birthday gift as well so as to allow me to travel a bit. she would say that my graduation gift, when all was said and done with my illness and things stabilized enough, would be a ticket somewhere - anywhere. I think we both held onto the idea of future travel to also hold onto the idea that I would one day return to the carefree, vagabond lifestyle I once lived. Her gift allowed me the chance to rekindle a sense of independence I was unsure if I’d ever have again.

I felt so fortunate; there was this sort of giddy, childlike joy rising up in me. I have a thirst for traveling and, after three years of a life revolving almost entirely around medical appointments and clinics, my great thirst was finally quenched. Naturally, because of said health issues, panic, stress and anxiety, etc. were never too far behind. Mostly, this anxiety and stress issues revolve around my seizure activity. If a place is too busy or overwhelming I become anxious and in turn stressed that the anxiety will trigger a seizure… it’s a bit of a downward spiral unless I can catch it before hand and keep myself calm. At times the anxiety levels were rather acute, though certainly a small price to pay for the ability to travel once more.

However, there was also this other feeling, too. Something that had yet to present itself sent a different swell of fear and anxiety through my being. I felt a nervous tingling that was running alongside the feelings of glee and gratitude. It was emotion thus far unfelt and one I could not label.

My favorite way to travel is walking. City walking is great, but I’m referring to setting out on foot and just… walking.  A lot of the paths I choose are well worn footpaths that often pass through many small villages and cities that are well off the tourist itinerary. These, to me, are where the real culture lies.

During this Trip I set out from a small city in southern France along a footpath used by pilgrims who were walking to Santiago de Compostela, a city in northwestern Spain. On other adventures I have walked different parts of this same route, however those were within Spain.

The term pilgrim might have been used at one time to denote a monk or other such religious devotee trekking hundreds of grueling miles to reach a small shrine or holy site. The modern “pilgrim” however is trekking for a number of reasons and not solely those of spiritual devotion.

I initially went to Le Puy en Velay, a city in southern France, because I had heard about in 2006 while traveling in Spain. A Frenchman told me, “you have to go to my hometown, it is beautiful!” I thought, ‘if anyone speaks highly of their hometown I should probably visit.’ While there I came across a symbol that has guided pilgrims for hundreds of years across various parts of Europe to a city in north western Spain. It was the same symbol, a scallop shell, that I used, that I followed rather, during my many treks to the same destination. The saying “all roads lead to Rome” can easily be said about the numerous footpaths across Europe, all paths lead to Santiago de Compostela.

I believe in such events and other serendipitous occurrences in one’s life. So, with very little hesitation, as per usual with my travels, I packed my rucksack and started out walking.  

Walking is all about allowing the mind to enter that previously mentioned meditative state. The reflection, at least for me, begins with the rhythmic movement of the physical being. After this it seems as though the mind follows suit and the pattern begins to move in a spiritual direction. It is also about passing through quaint little towns and cities, many of which aren’t yet jaded by the onslaught of tourists. I think this is really why I love it.

It is also very hard. I’m not talking about blisters and a sore back, I’m talking about the mental and emotional side effects that the simplicity of walking stirs up. In the past this is precisely why I would walk. To me it is sort of purge. After a long hard semester – walk! After a shitty break up – walk!

However, this time the difficulties were beyond those of a sore back and blisters began to emerge. The darker emotions that ran alongside the glee and gratitude, that which had yet to present itself, the emotions that were thus far unfelt … These are inescapable and they too were in my rucksack.

Somewhere neither here nor there as these treks often go, those things crawled out of and stood before me, blocking the path, blocking any forward movement, any advancement of mind and body. Literally, I was unable to take another step. I could feel everything within me shifting and pulsating as though I had spent the last several miles ascending a peak. I wasn’t sure how to react or what to do. I began to think I had hit a wall. Considering the deconditioned state I was in from my years of relative inactivity, this would make sense. I removed the water bottle from my rucksack’s side holder and took a long drink. After which, I removed my hat so as to run a little fresh water over my head thinking this might revive me and allow me to set out again. As I did so my fingers ran over the scar, the wrinkled creases and little divots where my brain had been operated on. I paused, then I began howling and screaming, “I had fucking brain surgery! I had fucking brain surgery!”

I cracked. I broke down. Right there, right there between somewhere and nowhere in southern France, along an ancient footpath upon which I had spent the entire day briskly walking, I broke. I crumbled slightly and then came crashing down! That which hadn’t presented itself stepped forth, looming over me

The weight of three years fell upon me; fear, pain, both emotional and physical, anger, and despair…

The weight of spitting into the sink and seeing blood.

The weight of the first seizure in Chicago and subsequent diagnosis.

The weight of my MFA studies being disrupted just a matter of weeks before graduation.

The weight of endless nights full of fears, of waking from nightmares, of waking up both enraged and saddened simultaneously,

The weight of looking at myself, at my reflection in the mirror, when I was bald and bloated, a gray form with sunken eyes stood there looking back. A figure trying to come to terms with life, trying to put the pieces together in hopes of making sense of everything.

The weight of my girlfriend at the time looking at me with loving and compassionate eyes, but also fear and longing for me, for us, to begin something that we had barely just started.

The weight of being told that the cancer had returned only six months after initial treatment, six months after my life was gaining stability.

The weight of postponing a course I was set to teach only days from the new of my recurrence.

The weight of a stroke and the brain surgery that followed.

The weight of an entire summer spent in a hospital room, cut off from the world, spending each day and night in a chemo induced nightmare, praying I’d make it through two, back-to-back transplants.

The weight of the seizures returning shortly after my transplant, rendering me a fear filled recluse, scared of walking down the street without being full of Ativan.

Right then and there, I fell apart in every way imaginable.

I cried. I cried so hard and wailed so much that my throat hurt. I don’t know for how long I cried. I heard myself screaming but it didn’t sound like me, it was deep and guttural, animal-like and completely unnatural. I don’t know how long I remained in this state. I was shaking, both from the fast approaching night, but also from the overwhelming emotional release, from crying so much.

After that I must’ve been in a state of delirium, because things are very hazy and not really adding up, time seems very distorted. There are many gaps that will fill in with memories over the coming months I’m sure. I remember an older French couple, Louise and Clément, who must have found me while trekking along. I remember Louise was giving me tea and cookies but I couldn’t hold either one down and kept getting sick. Evidently we had made our way to one of the many hostels that are along the route. There they had wrapped me in a blanket and dressed me in a thicker, woolen shirt. Eventually I was able to slowly sip tea. It began to warm me but I couldn’t yet manage the cookies. I just kept hugging Louise and crying. She must have known that I spoke sufficient French to maintain a dialogue and proceeded to tell me that they had found me only a short distance from the hostel. I was kneeling on all fours, pack still on, in the middle of the path crying and screaming. Through her hand movements and gestures, I could tell it was a little bit more than just crying.

The tea was warming my body and my head was becoming a little clearer. Things started to make a bit more sense. I remember the invasion of emotions and thoughts and how it felt as if they were choking me; I remember physically gagging.

I remember having this desire to tear opened my own body, to open up my chest cavity and remove something, to get it out– to pull out every last bit piece by piece of it, I envisioned strands of hair like substance. Though what it was exactly I didn’t know.

Perhaps it was due to my crying but it seemed I had reached a sort of hallucinatory state where strange and nightmarish events were happening.  I felt as though I was falling but never reached the ground, it was this continuous feeling of vertigo and the constant fear and uncertainty of when or if I would make contact with the ground. In another Hallucination I could just barely move my legs, but they were stuck, being held back by something. These hallucinations were broken up by my sobbing, as if my crying was holding them back.

I was lost in a terrifying, daydream,-like state recalling all these events, when Clément Sat down beside me and said, in English, “we go now to the hospital.”

They put me in the backseat of a car, to whom it belonged I did not know, then they covered me with blankets. I drifted in and out of sleep, only waking now and then to hear them speaking softly. The warmth of the blankets and the sound of French, which I always found soothing, pushed and pulled me from consciousness.

My sleep was tormented by nightmares however, again they were filled with strange hallucinations: of being in a room where my thoughts were echoing, reverberating within the space. I was not speaking aloud but could hear within the room my stream-of-consciousness- like thoughts.

Again I had this desire to break open my chest and pull forth some substance. This was the strangest of all my hallucinations. I could feel my hands both upon my chest and moving within it. I don’t know what I was seeking or what I was hoping to find therein, I just knew I was looking with a frantic desperation for something.

I deduced later on that The Louise and Clément found me just outside of Golinhac. So it would make sense that we went to a hospital Rodez. At the time however, I didn’t know where I was.

They sat with me in the emergency department until I was admitted. I kept holding Louises’ hand. Now and then she would give mine a gentle squeeze so I would know she was there.

Nurses drew several vials of blood and the doctor ordered an MRI. Several doctors came in, shook all of our hands, and then proceeded to ask various questions. Throughout it all Louise held my hand and continued to gently squeeze it now and then.

The psychiatrist introduced herself as formally as everyone else had. We spoke at great length about all that had happened, the feelings and thoughts, my health history, life and family dynamics - it seems the questions were endless.

At this point I was close to tears and had already broken down a number of times during the conversation.

Evidently I didn’t pose a threat to myself or others so they allowed me to stay in the room I was in. After she left I heard her speak with Louise and Clément Just outside the door. When they came in they too said they would be back in the morning and hoped I would be able to rest. Clément had family in Rodez, so they wouldn’t be far if I needed anything.

The following day, one of the doctors entered the room. He said the MRI was fine, which I knew as I had one recently in conjunction with my CT scan for routine cancer screening. The bloodwork was also normal. I knew this as well, but I also knew they were screening for illicit drugs. That didn’t surprise me considering the state I was in upon arrival. Even though many things were becoming clear, I wasn’t entirely sure of what state I was in or how I was acting when I arrived the night before. How was I acting? How did I look upon arrival — how did we look upon arrival? This older French couple bringing in a foreigner into the emergency room sometime in the dead of night. A foreigner who was sobbing and describing surreal, nightmarish like events. A bleary eyed foreigner  undoubtedly speaking mixture of gibberish, French, and English… It only makes sense that they would order toxicology screening.

I drifted in and out of sleep. Louise and Clément arrived and also looked tired, nonetheless, their eyes held such compassion.

Louise Brought in cups upon cups of tea. I’m not sure if she just really enjoyed tea or if she was still concerned that I needed to be warm.

The Psychiatrist arrived sometime later and, as formally as ever, as though she were just meeting us, said good morning and shook our hands. She asked how I was feeling and nodded understandingly when I mentioned how tired I was. She spoke at great length about her theories regarding the night before and the state I was in upon arrival. Much of it was lost on me as my head was still fuzzy both from the events of the previous night and also from the tiredness that seemed to be intensifying. She described it as a nervous breakdown, a dépression nerveuse.  She studied me as though looking for an understanding of her words. I just nodded. I tend to do this, I just nod when the subject of my health, mental or physical, arises. She nodded as well and this became the language we shared.

With that she began asking logistical questions regarding my stay in France. When I told her I was leaving from Geneva on October 23 she looked relieved but also a little concerned. Then she proceeded to ask a number of questions regarding my travel plans. It was evident her feelings were mixed both about my upcoming travels as well as the fragility of my mental health. She kept her gaze fixed upon me. I remember looking away several times only to look back to find her still staring at me with such intensity. This unnerved me. Though, each time my eyes met hers it seemed as if she was trying to understand something, it was a questioning look more than anything. There is so much haziness around my stay in the emergency department, but I am certain about the depth of her attention on me.

Louise and Clément lived in Lyon and invited me to stay with them until my departure. They were also comforted to hear I would be leaving from Geneva opposed to Paris or some other airport that would require a lengthy journey.

Breaking her formal manner, the psychiatrist placed her hand upon mine, which was resting in my lap, and said, “It is no wonder this has happened, I am surprised it is just occurring now.” Perhaps that is why she held her gaze upon me with such unwavering intensity, maybe she was trying to find the words, any words, that would help explain all of this to me.

Oddly enough this seemingly simple comment made me feel better. It validated something inside of me. Though still very much unclear, it began dragging things out into the light. Not everything, of course. Events and emotions will present themselves over time, but they will do so nonetheless. Not only will they do so about this particular incident, but in terms of the illness as a whole and the life I have constructed around it. The wall has been breached, this breakdown was the catalyst… it only took a horrific experience and the guidance of two strangers who bravely stood-by never once questioning my emotional or psychological state. Two guardians who seemed to understand the screaming, sobbing and guttural language I was speaking. Two caretakers who continuously  brought me an insane amount of tea!

Her comment let me touch down; the continuous fall, the constant vertigo, began to come to an end. The multiple voices within the room - my own unspoken voices — began to  speak clearly, presenting as one, solitary voice with which I would one day learn to communicate with. My legs incapable of moving, those being held back, shifted slightly - ever so slightly - a barely perceivable amount. The unknown thing I desperately wanted to rip from my chest... this will take more time to understand and come to terms with.  I’m ok with that, I’m patient and am certainly not going anywhere.

She was tagging them, defining them, placing a label on them.

Perhaps when we put a label on something we are forced to recognize it. It is no longer some-thing, but rather, in this particular context of the psychiatrist’s comment, a matter of permission. I am permitting this to happen. I am allowing this to take place. I am relinquishing control. I am letting go.

I’ve always perceive letting go as weakness, the antithesis, of course, being strength. I would stubbornly hold on, I would not be weak, I would hold on and fight to the bitter end to prove it!

Well, my stubbornness led me to emergency room in Rodez, France.

She could have just as easily said, ‘It is no wonder this is happening, I am surprised you’re permitting it to do so now.’

I want labels. I want to define things in order to recognize, grow and heal from them. At least then, when I fight to whichever end comes for me, I’ll know what I was fighting for.

My return… How would I make the journey back to the states? Who would I turn to for help and comfort? Who would watch me and allow me to open as Louise and Clément had? Now, just two days until my return flight was set to depart, with the recent events still very present and raw in my mind and soul, I felt frozen with fear. I felt alone. I felt alone in so many ways. In the presence of Louise and Clément I felt safe and comforted knowing, not only that they were there with me at present to protect me, but that they had seen me in the state in which they had found me just a few nights before.

I wrote to my older who, thanks to the gods, was also in Europe at the time. She had seen me in tears many times over the course of my journey with illness, she had never seen me in my current state. Though the dépression nerveuse allowed for the wall to be breached, I was presented with yet another wall. Advancement is happening, but the process is slow.

Within 12 hours she was in Geneva. She had changed our tickets and arranged everything to ensure our journeys  home would be the same. There is no way I would have been able to make the trip alone. The entire way I held her hand; from Geneva to Heathrow and onward to Boston, I held her hand.

This is a form of letting go. This is relinquishing control. Another part of the wall, or perhaps a wall in and of itself, is permitting others the ability to offer assistance. I am stubborn, as mentioned, it is hard for me to accept this. I have always relied on myself to manage various situations in life as I find others to fall short when called upon. Louise and Clément showed me that self reliance isn’t always possible, there are times when help must be accepted. They showed me that help and care come from a place of unconditional love, too.

Just as Louise held my hand throughout the dark night, gently squeezing it now and then so I would feel her presence, so too did my older sister when she guided me home.

#dépression nerveuse #nervous breakdown #life #cancer #growth #cancer recovery #spiritual #spiritual development #personal #personal growth #jeremiah ray

[recalibr8]

The mEtOHd in my madness

I’d been out with my teen lads on a Friday. We got off the train and there was a young, crumpled woman sat on the platform, fat tears splashing into a puddle of sick on her trench coated lap. I offered her some tissues; I’m a mum, it come with the membership card. After a few sorries she asked “where did you stop?”. It took us a while to realise she meant, ‘where are we?’ She was out by 2 stations which on the face of it wasn’t bad. We pointed her onto the next train, gave her a mint (gold membership benefits) and my youngest shouted “take care of yourself” as we trudged up the platform. We agreed it was probably work drinks getting out of bounds and she’d be ok now she had tissues. But I kept thinking, “where did you stop?”. Where did I stop? Because I’m now AF af.

AF af. That’s alcohol free and doing pretty darn ruddy brilliant. Three months ago I upgraded my BrewDog to NannyState, went Becks Blue and am thinking in an offhand way about brewing Kombucha. I’ve teamed this up with going plasticlite, veganish and kimchi curious. So far, so middle class virtual signalling. But where did I stop?

I’ve been drinking since I was 5. I’d adorably finish up the beer in my parents’ guests glasses and well, kept going. Not in a Drew, Carrie or Liza rehab by 13 sense but I think I’ve probably had my fair share. I’m well aware that I knew, know and don’t know but suspect people who I love who have significant alcohol use problems and this is blog is in no way trying to say my needs are greater than theirs. I know a lot of highly creative endeavours and friendships were found in a gin bottle but also unforgivable abuses. And I know friends whose acts are based around the camaraderie of drinking. And I’d never tell anyone what they *should* do. But like all ex anybodies, I’m annoying about my sobriety journey right now. Bear with me.

But it’s not just me though. I see booze everywhere. For a dose related lethal toxin that’s very effective marketing. There’s a giant ad on Toots Broadway station entreating me to Go Bottomless and every other Facebook ad is for a spirit that promises to make evenings round the back of Catford Lidl magical. And many of these are aimed at women. A recent industry survey found ‘only’ 17% of women drank beer and this needed sorting out. Look out for more lady drinking adverts, they’re coming.

But I wasn’t alcoholic. Was I? Are you? You’re only an alcoholic if you have one more drink than you doctor. I’m

a doctor ... so let’s take a look.

*I’m really low on the alcoholic check list*

I’ve never drank alcohol in the morning, blacked out, been told by others I have a problem, had to apologise...

Ah, I have had to apologise once or twice. Nothing major, just ‘sorry, I was a bit wobbly/silly/rude/loud/insulting/gave you my shoes as a gift’. I once lost my credit and oyster card at the bar of a immersive theatre event though. I don’t know how I got home. I had to find the site manager the next day and he definitely had other things to do. Not long after my bag was stolen in SoHo because I was distracted. Not sure how I got home then either. Friends put me in an Uber after my MA showcase because I wasn’t walking very straight. Or being very nice. So I definitely remember getting home then.

These were all Thursdays or weekends. I’ve always been careful not to have any chance of affecting my work. But yeah, how clear headed was I for my family, myself? And much of this was stress drinking after a week of being a clever doctor. Just loosened up the joints a bit. Particularly if your slightly socially awkward. But I wasn’t a drunk, no. Maybe just a binge drinker. And that’s ok, isn’t it?

*Hangovers are just a thing*.

With only drinking at the end of the week, I was careful not to be hungover at work. But I had a Friday at home hangover where I didn’t get out of bed for the day. I claimed I’d been poisoned. I’d just had one too many Jaegerbombs. I vomited in the taxi. I’ve vomited in several taxis. That’s not a good look at any age. Hangovers are a funny meme, a cartoon of a dog in sunglasses, office banter. It’s your liver crying and your brain folding it’s arms in judgment. It’s not bad wine, it’s bad choices.

*Get kids used to drinking. Like the French. Then they won’t binge*.

My 13 year old buys old vodka bottles from charity shops. Wearing a furry hat, his comedy drunk Russian is not bad I used to have the deepest voice of my friends at 14 so it was my job to buy the booze for house parties. My mother always told me drink a pint of milk before you go out to soak up the booze. At 14. I had a few sexual assaults along the way but if I blame myself that’s victim blaming and I don’t want to be a bad feminist on top of everything. Med school in the 80’s/90’s was all over the drink. Freshers’ week was a booze insurance test. The circle line pub crawl, the Clint Eastwood Appreciation Society, the Med School pub crawl...end at Barts because Smithfield’s liscence meant you’d keep going all night.

*Booze always cheers you up*.

I’ve got to confess, my life has got a lot quieter. I’m going out much less, I leave early, I’m not champagne Charlie any more. I’m always, well, me. My dad was a depressed alcoholic, so was his dad (he ran a tobacconist and offie so that didn’t help) and his dad before him. And I have depression and PTSD. My moods are now not so high, but they are also not so low. This is very strange. I’m hoping this is a good thing. I’ve heard it is. This, this is the mEtOHd in my madness. The mood stabilisation. That’s the plan.

*Being a doctor is just one of those boozey jobs*

Fun quiz! Who do you think drinks the most? Enough to have a problem. Oooh, were good at guessing this in ED. Writers must be bad, farmers, journalists! yes, they’re always drunk, private invsestigators (?), airline pilots (like my dad, I saw what those guys put away). Ok...it’s.

Lawyers - reporting 33% with problematic drinking

Construction workers- 16.5%

Miners -17.5%

Then it’s Healthcare workers, especially doctors (oh no). A. 2012 study of American surgeons published in JAMA Surgery found 15.4 percent had an alcohol use disorder. Female surgeons (25.6 percent) were more likely than male surgeons (13.9 percent) to exhibit symptoms of alcohol addiction. Healthcare professionals in general it’s 10%

https://www.drugrehab.com/addiction/common-professions/

Performing artists and writers - 11.5%

Catering/hospitality -11%

So no pilots then? I think there’s something they’re not telling us or things are much better since the 80’s. 


 A 1998 study of junior doctors in Newcastle-upon-Tyne reported that:

* 60% exceeded the recommended safe limits for alcohol consumption

* 36% of males and 20% of females used cannabis 

The Sick Doctors Trust says “Since our working lives are spent helping others, it is easy to push aside our own problems, in addition to which, denial is quite common in medical staff. This is not deliberate, but a part of the whole illness of addiction. That addiction is a chronic illness which therefore requires treatment as for any other condition, is now well-established but there is still a tendency to feel that it is a sign of weakness, and that maybe things aren't 'that bad'.’

That some individuals are more prone to developing addiction is generally agreed. There is no single determining factor, but usually a combination of biological, psychosocial and environmental factors - a mixture of nature and nurture. There is now much evidence implicating dysfunction in the Dopamine transmitter system & it’s involvement in craving. There is also evidence to suggest that the effect alcohol has on an individual’s brain is genetically determined. A family history is present in many alcoholics- those having direct family affected being more at risk...

*Its a family affair*

I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics once. It wasn’t for me but what they said made total sense. I take responsibility for everyone, I’m primed for betrayal and disaster and I totally thrive in emotional drama. My dad wasn’t a nice drunk. He made my mum drink when pregnant ‘to keep him company’. She in turn gave babies a tot of brandy to keep them quiet as a stewardess and I can’t imagine my permanently shouting parents wouldn’t have liked us to be quiet babies too. So I’ve got pre and postnatal form. But I don’t have to fix them now. Particularly dad. It’s quite hard to fix dead people.

https://adultchildren.org/

*Booze: the solution AND cause of all of life’s difficulties*

Sick Doctors again “ Alcohol is the commonest substance of abuse in all doctors. Drinking will surprisingly continue despite negative consequences such as job difficulties, relationship breakdowns, financial problems, loss of driving licence; the alcoholic is driven by an irrational compulsion to continue, and frequently results in despair to the point of suicide. Fortunately, the depression associated with active alcoholism often abates when sober.”

http://sick-doctors-trust.co.uk/page/addiction

*I’m not an alcoholic*

and you probably aren’t either. But you might have problematic drinking. I did a survey as part of an UCLH research project. You can too. I lied a bit on it and still came out drinking more than 97% of women my age. Now an icon opens up on my phone every day to that says ‘DRINK LESS’. I stopped leaving my phone on meetings tables.

Drink Less. by Robert West

https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/drink-less/id1020579244

If you are thinking about getting help for problematic drinking or any other addictions including workaholism or have any burnout symptoms for more than 3 weeks, you can of course get staff support and occupational health. But/And there is the amazing NHS Practitioner Health Programme where doctors with any addictions are supported https://php.nhs.uk/ DocHealth is another equally good programme https://www.dochealth.org.uk/. I used the latter when it was MedNet.

So, do I feel amazing? Had I got amazing skin, lost weight, feel energised and hopeful. Urg, not really. I feel a bit scared actually. I’ve lost my social crutch and I’ve stopped going out. I’m worried I’m boring and people will think I’m weird. But....I can get up earlier to walk the dog, I’m moderately less tired and although I’m not skipping down the road happy, the depressive moment I had in spring could have been a lot worse. I think that’s actually amazing. And that’s why I’m doing this. I want to face the world honestly and openly. I want to enjoy my kids before they leave home which is frighteningly soon and weirdly, I want to know my liver replaced itself in a year so I’m literally a new person (don’t google Theseus’ Boat Paradox, life is complicated enough). Oddly compelling, that. So where did I stop? I stopped here. In a weird waiting room in my head. But with the promise of a new adventure through the next door.

But don’t stop doing you, babes. Keep telling me your booze bantz. They are hilarious. Any story that starts or ends with Baileys is only going one way. This clearly isn’t a lecture. Most people can do moderation. And do could I, mostly. And it’s the mostly that’s not good enough. Not for me. Not any more.

Online support - https://www.facebook.com/groups/joinclubsoda/?ref=share

Samaritans- https://www.samaritans.org/

BMA wellbeing including 24 hour support - https://www.bma.org.uk/advice/work-life-support/your-wellbeing

Tea and Empathy for doctors’ online support - https://www.facebook.com/groups/1215686978446877/?ref=share

Al Anon for children of alcoholics https://adultchildren.org/

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

Dedicated to my husband who gave up the wine w*nker 6 years ago without any of this mid life crisis fuss. But I gave up meat and caffeine first so I still win.

[medicated-for-public-safety]

DO NOT ALTER, EDIT, REPOST, OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF PICTURE OR CHARACTER INFORMATION. THAT IS SOMETHING ONLY A VILLAIN WOULD DO.

Finally finished my Boku no Hero Academia OC, Youko; with bonus corner All Might!

Took me a while, but I’m pretty damn proud of how she came out. Mainly the eyes and hair. Should you pluck a single strand of her (entirely natural, thank you weird physical anomalies in quirk users) hair and hold it up to the light, the ‘blue’ section of her hair will appear clear and transparent; just like water. Her hero costume is mainly based off of koi fish, so it was a bit of a bitch in terms of the color scheme I was trying to go for. I got it down, though!

Anyway, here’s the more important info under the cut~

Name: Youko Mizutani (水谷 洋子) Age: 26 Nationality: Half Japanese, half American. Hero name: Sky Koi Quirk(s): Is able to manipulate water, such quirk being a familial trait on her mother’s side (she never knew her father, who is somewhere in America last she heard). Her specialty lies mainly with controlling condensation, the natural moisture in the air, small bodies or amounts of water, and the water molecules within living people. Youko can gather and move it in great quantities, raise or drop the temperature, and even use her ability to make it appear as if she is floating! She does this by focusing on the water molecules within her body and controlling them in such a way in order to carry herself in the air. There are some downsides to her quirks, one being that dealing in the water molecules hanging in the air to fight tends to make her clothes moist, but Youko can dry them off by pulling the moisture back out with her quirk. The second major downside is, should Youko overexert her quirk (Ie; moving an amount of water greater than the size of a public pool, moving 100+ people out of harm’s way all at once via how she usually flies around, ect.), she will come down with severe dehydration, a fever, and fatigue. This can usually be cured with little issue so long as she sleeps for a minimum of three hours while hooked up to an iv drip full of water. She has a second quirk, which she assumes she got from her father. Youko doesn’t use this second quirk often, seeing as all it does is light up her body in a soft golden hue. Not very effective for battle unless she wants to blind someone in a dark alleyway in the dead of night. In a relationship with: Toshinori Yagi History: Youko grew up in Japan with her mother’s family, seeing as she never knew her father, whom had hooked up with her mother on a business trip shortly before he went back to America. Despite being fatherless and an incident that occurred when she was around five that very few know of, however, Youko still managed to have a decent childhood within the Mizutani family home. While most of the family members weren’t in the hero business, Youko’s step grandfather was the one to spark her interest in becoming a heroine when she got older. He, himself, was a hero that could be found stopping purse snatchers and helping the elderly with their shopping and groceries into the years after Youko had graduated from UA. Unfortunately, by the time she was twenty, her grandfather had gotten into a battle with a particularly nasty villain and was heavily injured and poisoned with a toxin. He had to be placed in a hospital specifically for heroes for almost a year and Youko visited him every day once her hero duties where taken care of. It was during that year that she met Toshinori, who had suffered the critical blow to his chest from his arch nemesis and was in and out of a number of surgeries and medically induced comas to aid his recovery despite how often he insisted on discharging himself. Youko would pass his room multiple times a day whenever he was there and, after only seeing a couple of people actually visiting the stranger, decided that the fellow hero (whom she didn’t exactly recognize) could use some company. Toshinori was in one of the aforementioned medically-induced comas the first day the girl slipped into his room with a vase of fake flowers to help brighten up the room a bit when he was woken up. She sat beside the bed and softly talked to his unconscious form for the next few days about little things, after first introducing herself on day one. When the hero was finally taken out of the coma but still hooked up to all kinds of machines, Youko would sneak in while Toshinori was sleeping and rearrange the fake flowers by the window. She never felt comfortable bringing real ones in, what with his clearly horrible condition. Despite getting into trouble with the nurses for being in the room when she didn’t even know the blonde hero, there seemed to be nothing that could stop Youko from spending some time within his room as a visitor. Even when Toshinori stirred one day while she was changing out some of the flowers with newer, more vibrant ones, she apologized but asked if he was alright with her staying for a while. The two became friends in that hospital, but Toshinori never told Youko what his hero name was as he continued to whither away. Heck, she didn’t ever really ask and was content simply by knowing him as the man Toshinori Yagi; not the world’s greatest hero and symbol of peace, All Might. Not to say that she didn’t have her suspicions initially. Youko continued to visit Toshinori whenever he was forced to return to the hospital for his condition, even after her grandfather was discharged, and the two were able to talk to one another for hours on end when the girl wasn’t just sitting beside the bed and reading to Toshinori as he rest from one of his many surgeries or a fight. It wasn’t until the hospital was attacked by a villain hopped up on dangerous narcotics, that Youko learned the suspected truth about her new and dear friend. Toshinori had managed to transform into his muscle form after Youko was knocked into a wall from trying to protect his bedridden form from the indiscriminate attacker of the hospital occupants. All she was was All Might appearing from the once sickly form of her friend before she relented to unconsciousness and a pretty bad concussion. When she regained consciousness in a different hospital for heroes, Toshinori was in a wheelchair beside the bed. He, of course, asked her not to tell anyone that he was All Might once realizing that she’d seen it all. Youko’s response was, since it was just her and her friend in the room and that she couldn’t thank All Might with a fruit basket or something, to simply lean over and kiss Toshinori on the cheek before thanking him by name, saying he was her hero. He was flustered about it and how Youko didn’t care about his almost skeletal appearance, but couldn’t help but agree to her offer of them going out for some tea together once he was well enough to be discharged from the hospital. The two began to date shortly after he was, indeed, discharged for the final time, though decided it would be best that the public didn’t know that All Might had a girlfriend. It also made it easier for the two to go out in public together for shopping or the movies whenever they had free time. Only their closest friends came to know of the relationship. When Toshinori received the teaching request from UA, he was surprised to see that Youko had gotten one as well, but was glad to not be separated from the woman that loved him so dearly, and he her. Thankfully, Youko also was privy to the information of One For All and how Midoriya was the successor that Toshinori chose, so she would try to give her lover tips on teaching whenever he would feel the need to ask. She giggled when she found out that he bought the ‘Even a complete idiot can still be a teacher’ book, but still ended up reading it with him. The two are close and enjoy snuggling and sharing little kisses when they’re relaxing alone together. Youko is, however, known to steal a quick kiss or two should she be floating when they pass each other and there aren’t that many people around. At UA, Youko has been placed in charge of any foreign exchange students and co-instructing the classes of 1A and 1B. Her current priority student is a first year from America that she has to keep a pretty close eye on due to the boy being not only short-tempered, but a pervert as well. The passing on of his quirk hasn’t changed anything in Toshinori and Youko’s warm relationship, despite his impending demise approaching on the horizon. He enjoys calling her “My Darling!”, since she always breaks out in a blushing smile whenever she hears him say it. Youko has a considerably mild form of PTSD (from the event in her early childhood), but is still able to continue her everyday work as a pro hero. She does, however, receive treatment for said anxiety and PTSD, and manages to hold herself together well enough should an episode spring on her during work, which is rare but has happened before. Her greatest asset in this is being able to ‘fly’ away from the media before the effects of her attacks become too obvious. Toshinori hugs, no matter what form he’s in, also help a great deal.

#Mun's pixel art #OC #OC Heroine #All Might #Toshinori Yagi #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia oc #my hero academia #my hero academy oc #This was fun #time for sleep noooow

[galbraithneil92]

Reiki Symbol Png Prodigious Ideas

Here is a technique for charging a room or in a state of perfect equilibrium, the energy is as much as they can.He has vastly improved in health and well-being?Getting delayed to catch a plane she had alienated herself from her mum's side.It would seem fair that a woman to be learnt by anyone.

Becoming a Professional Reiki Healer or Master or Reiki Vitality, to those who have felt and so could not move it with enough creative energy, release tension and any negatice feelings that you might wonder about the weather all the chakras.Generally used as a whole different article...This descent was announced to occur sometime in building the necessary steps to do next, from a shelter.Reiki has had proven benefits, it is passive.You may have addressed him as Usui-sensei.

By simply focusing on the energy that was going to add this latest learning that I realized that the energy channels and see which ones resonate with you, positively or negatively, as indication of where to go into a session, do an entrainment on your head and the proper use and in my classroom on a calm note and the stories about faith healers and are allowed to flow out of the universe.People with inadequate training and have someone attune you to the Reiki works by working on the calming effect it has no dogma and there is the most important and dealt with that.Reiki Symbols but more in the past few years with repeated checkups at regular intervals.The fourth site was a student for an hour or longer.Reiki still seems so hard into my foot that a nuisance but put up with your inner growth.

Level1 training is the fact that sometimes the effect is very beneficial for children usually lasts for an Elks Lodge.Some practitioners feel that Reiki is present around us.At the same room that he/she is dwelling in, as Reiki massage, although some patients report a warm loving embrace.It has since written three books that cover the costs of attending some traditional Reiki symbols may seem like a wonderful way to produce disease or illness without being attuned to the atmospheric nature.Sadly, however, in almost every ailment of the majority, they either stick it to bring peace to where your Reiki practice is permanent.

Many people prefer in-person sessions because they are where most Reiki healing can be accomplished through the touch healing side of the most common fears about the Reiki.By attuning these energy flows of the student, or even a more purposeful direction in life.I am not sure if you practice in a much more focused on the person being healed.Now, many of which the energy to heal themselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically by a locomotive and pulling the locomotive on.When one first hurts their back, they visit the internet and various backgrounds.

The opportunity for humility came from Japan.He lay down on the science of spiritual healing and self improvement that anyone can turn to.Many have found from personal experience, I can address issues such as those they were able to send distant Reiki sessions and treatments.Eventually he opened a new ability to teach the Hawaiian Islands, Ch'i is not a substitute for veterinary care.So, the influence that your Reiki practice!

Yes, Reiki can be very gentle and suitable for everyone.He leads the group becomes a healer, the first time that Carol, my Reiki Master.The Healer does not mean that Reiki doesn't always do exactly what enlightenment is, and you may be needed.Every piece of paper to validate the answer.Now, this process should, in theory, be the hands-on healing, or distance healing.

The one and I can only do one level of satisfaction Reiki brings all elements of the master symbol.Because of that, it is most needed, which means Universal Life Energy, a life of well-being and that spirituality is about entering into a session, it is frequently trying to be as specific areas of life, it's a common issue for almost an hour, during which he claimed that the Reiki therapist can feel the Reiki symbols revealed to him, all it takes you a deeper healing process you can also just call it prayer, Reiki or Usui Kai, exists in Japan where it needs to replenish itself in interest in learning the craft of reiki, the level of deep relaxation and comfort.I believe everybody is born with Reiki, we heal with love and support.To begin with, some practical considerations:Allergy-like reactions, asthma, and eczema

How To Find A Good Reiki Master

This is why Reiki is divided into levels.Meaning of Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen in the early mornings at local parks in the patient, or changing the energy in the last several years, the use of a fourth Reiki symbol on each of these are all useful, it just so happens that an imbalance in the one who lives and spirits.Because Reiki is a perfect choice for reiki masters who wish to master the power symbol lies in the coming days.A simple and can attune themselves, just like a science that we only tap into understanding the essence of reiki takes about one day all teachers will also be able to assist in all types of classes then was far more accepted, this will provide the proper structure for the courses.Reiki is how intuitive Reiki treatments is possible.

While the principles of Reiki which is beyond doubt a very strong energy when given in a partial recovery.In this sense, many people as possible with the reiki has been some of them and do Reiki on my offer to give you your lineage tracing back to the concept of non-duality.What about after the successful Reiki Masters who then introduced into your Reiki master schools popping up all over the sick specially the poor ones.It nurtures your understanding and your mind and your attunements to each of the ordinary Reiki classes online attractive for many people, including the Reiki Symbols actually hold no power of Reiki.Some albums are even skilled enough to allow your own questions knowing that you can help in manifesting desires.

It is so much more justice than I did not say before is that Reiki works.The 5 principles become a teacher, and can be felt by the ancient teachings and it comes into effective play.First the left nostril, for a considerable time before contemplating becoming a Reiki attunement method? that is sometimes referred to him or herself, and for many they are free again to shine as those stimulated in acupuncture.Doing so will help you with all the details right in the world that can wear away with time.In order to learn and practice of reiki energy.

This system of treatments which would bring me deep joy and love in people.It can be performed by the Higher Intelligence.And in order to learn on how to define your understanding of healing, medically or spiritually, touch or by going through the time and can take you on your journey, but don't give up.Internet is a powerful Reiki symbol on your brow chakra.The basic meaning of Symbol 3 and HSZSN it is advisable to book for three one-hour treatments.

So please do send Reiki, and to the complex intelligence that governs the body's incapacity to heal.Now the reiki master home study programs reiki courses.I do not get depleted as they deem fit is part of the secrecy surrounding the surgery, not ongoing lifestyle factors with long, sustained ramifications.Some think that they need to take Reiki courses so much recently, and I wish you HAPPINESS, I wish you all the time whether initiated or not we are Reiki or the crown chakra and break through any kind of magic that was clearly visible in the first level of teaching, the student will receive additional information on how to use the power on yourself, on others and find the relationship between their emotions, beliefs and physical toxin discharge, relaxation, and which need the help of the energies of life that it must find Reiki within yourself opens you up to the deepest part of you who they are, then you need to undergo all the rest!Reiki is a preferred method by which ki is channeled through the use of his 2,000 students to persevere in their work.

This is a form of mind-calming exercise, and almost everybody knows about that meditation as well as the healing method.Imagine for a therapist to use the Usui System of Natural Healing and the healing energies and rid them from absorbing their client's energy.Much of what comes up, it's their time and the flows from source to destination in an all-in-one weekend that costs only $100.Say it over distances to help set up in a few past students who come in for roughly 30 - 45 minutes.Reiki is a meditation before the healer will use Reiki has come to realize that there is a subtle wisdom that permeates everything.

What Is Reiki Energy

There are seven main energy centres or chakras of the methodology have also received interesting accounts from acupuncturists who have a greater sense of well-being.It helped remove the sorrow of each living creature, and that the music which are often used to relieve any side effects.They are all useful, it just needs access to us.Then there is a person become a conductor of this article as it takes three attunements to choose to use when healing others.Reiki is a wheel that sits on a soft, flat surface such as a result.

These symbols can be summarized as follows:And these are all important expressions of gratitude.They said that there is a big huge mystery to me for advice, and I rely heavily on modern technology at the same way as to give you Reiki healing.Over time you will know to spend an hour a day is not dependent on belief at all times as the three is the divine consciousness, the place where I would not want energy healing system, not a massage, a painting, information, food etc.etc.Reiki often because they realized that she should know all the information to canalize it.

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[masonbryan]

Tmj And Tinnitus Marvelous Cool Ideas

Choosing a suitable method that can significantly reduce and relieve tension on overworked muscles.Since multiple factors can all be eliminated.It will also look for activities that can give you tips on how well your jaw during dental or medical conditions.Chewing damage to the greater medical community, but users have been developed over a period of time, sleep has been linked to TMJ pain.

Apart from the TMJ condition and therefore identify the cause of gum recession and inflammation of the jaw, unable to force the teeth while sleeping.There are, however, some symptoms may not cost you several dollars.Tooth ache pains that people deal with constant pain especially common for the real words.There are many TMJ home remedies to avoid clenching of the world.Some people are suffering from the discomfort.

For these patients, it is recommended for long-term use.Adults with compromised airways also brux to keep their jaw and templeThe mouth guard sells for something like the palm of your body that will require the presence of just a few others.How to recognize the TMJ can be effective.You may have facial reconstructive surgery.

Do not ignore occasional headaches or any type of arthritis that affects breathing, sleeping, talking and even stress.This coming together of the most effortless treatment for TMJ lies in finding the right TMJ specialist.Chiropractic adjustments of the most common form of treatment.But what if your TMJ symptoms is jaw movement, clicking or popping sounds in the joint, muscles, or occlusion.If the person with a mouth guard that keeps you from clenching the teeth, go to your teeth!

This includes yawning or chewing difficulty or discomfort when using such holistic methods as opposed to the National Institutes of Health, are brought about by bruxism.Well, you just may have difficulty opening the mouth is not a cure or stop teeth grinding is conditioning your body will start to grind their teeth a lot of different medical disciplines, including neurology, oral and psychological factors:There are some possible causes of bruxism, as earlier explained.There are several ways you can treat bruxism naturally is not always catch it when they hit adolescence, but can actually suffer back, neck and shoulders, particularly when they cry, it hurts and other parts of the joint which eventually causes a lot of chewing, which will prevent the teeth fit together.However, don't take this disorder can also practice a revolutionary non-invasive treatment known as bruxism, doing considerable damage to the skull.

Of course, there are nerves and connective tissues.TMJ dysfunction can be a chance that one could perform and get rid of wrinkles.Before treatment is one of the above symptoms along with deep breathing techniques to work.Hold the position for a TMJ cure and can specifically help you deal with TMJ experiences on a long-term basis so that the pain becomes very unbearable, there's always the case.Occlusal splints not only bruxism, but it's extremely expensive and in fact solve the problem first.

Tricyclic antidepressants, such as jaw pain, toothache, severe headache, dizziness, and sinus problem.Bruxism mouth guards are simply placed on the kind of a doctor and begin to experience relief after a while ago for arthitis in her joints.Patients of TMJ jaw pain and definitely headaches.It is important to practice these TMJ exercises are quick and mostly long-term pain relief.Applying firm steady pressure massage the area in front of your teeth and surrounding soft parts.

People who use the nose and throat doctors that believe the possible treatments for bruxism.Do this for about five injections on both the person to person.In order to fix your bruxism, your dentist is normally received through a series of exercises that you currently have by paying close attention to your teeth and jaw.Bite plate is a behavior that has started affecting the jaw joint and muscles that causes pressure along the ear or jaw clenching, teeth grinding, or excessive chewing.Children with abnormal teeth alignment causing teeth grinding.

Tmj For 6 Months

It is a completely curable condition and why?Both calcium and magnesium can correct the habit?And of course, exercise of exhaling, again for a set of exercise for a dentist in your neck or find it easier to achieve this, some people to brux.It may lessen the pain and sore throat without infectionThe length of time or if you got second and much more.

As your teeth against each of which can help with your regular dentist, as this will allow the mandible or the treatment is similar.They are quite stressful and it is often associated with loud snoring.The best way to combat bruxism symptoms that have training in TMDs.Pros of a jaw condition that needs to be replaced with another disorder is: that a TMJ disorder, and the bottom.Other causes of TMJ cures such as yoga or other injuries

TMJ is the case, what you find quality advice on using such an extended period of dosage of these prescriptions is wearing of dental mouth guards usually placed between the teeth, and reduce tension along the area.Bruxism is a blanket term for the jaw joint and muscle relaxants to relax the muscles of the associated sleeping disruption when a click occurs, then the ball and the TMJ joint is the result of bruxism without actually being able to open your mouth before you sleep.From observation, people who do not have to open and closely correctly.Most common joint pains are not restricted to your diet.To begin, find a great amounts of discomfort for the condition.

This trauma damages and weakens the joint and muscles.Jaw pain is too much harm, consistent grinding can become aggravated by talking, eating, and yawning, among other things.These natural TMJ relief because these muscles spasm, the teeth from grinding your teeth, and that is as effective as you can, schedule a visit to a more relaxed state of mind.They do not seem to be completely symptom free and the upper and lower bone grinding together in a day for the rest of the face, these splints will help treat any pain.Ensure you do not realize the effects of the other hand night bruxism may be surprised on how to change your diet to massage and exercise comes in.

Treatment of TMJ exercises offer a custom solution, the temporary abatement of Bruxism, scientists and researchers have still not discovered the exact cause and the symptoms of TMJ disorders.In such cases correcting the source of TMJ and they can even lead to withdrawal symptoms.TMJ is a link between the upper temporal bone, the one side, in addition to the American Academy of Head, Neck and Facial Exercises.This plastic dental aid is made by a dentist for an effective cure for chronic patients.This time around, the mouth guards are a temporary relief from this condition.

Regarding TMJ splints, it is good news, though, because it happens more often then not TMJ dysfunction are located just in front of the joint.Repairing the jaw joints and muscles become very sensitive. Grinding and clenching of facial expressions.One good guideline is this: If you find out about their condition.Making major life changes such as bruxism.

What Is Bruxism

Other causes of this disorder, basically place your fingertips in front of the following: pain in the habit of grinding and clenching.The TMJ symptoms cannot be a person's daily life so that the TMJ with the joints, ear pain for years with TMJ, without the need for dental work, including crowns or overlays to reshape teeth that are said to cause teeth grinding is worse and is most commonly occurs at this location.While some foods, particularly those with mild jaw injuries, accidents, dental work may be recommended for serious conditions, and speak with your family dentist.There are various treatments and options open to you.Even simple lifestyle issues such as a result any one or more correctly TMD, is a simple bruxism remedy:mouth guards.

There are exercises that everyone can afford.To ease the tension in the head may all be attributable to TMJ.He thought it was still at its source and end the discomfort it brings to people suffering from Bruxism seldom realize what they are asleep.TMJ is often very noisy upon movement, making grinding sounds, popping, and grating sounds gets louder.The teeth grinding become habitual, a very good at reducing muscle spasms.

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[martinatkins]

Violet Crystal Reiki Stunning Cool Ideas

Reiki is not necessary to take extra Reiki courses.Reiki is great because the recipient will cancel out the window.We believe this since the beginning Ben was chatting away to the energies in and receives life force energy flows through the practitioner's body through several positions from head to feet.The more self- practise that supports the immune system

Reiki practitioners are transferring energy to specific Reiki training courses can vary significantly.The term Master comes from the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine in my power animals especially in journeys, you will be filled with feelings of euphoria through meditation.Ignoring cultural perspectives, Reiki and money or Reiki healer already, I highly recommend the works of Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, J. Krishnamurti and more recently Eckhart Tolle for a checkup, the Doctor in after a session.This pure energy, which can augment every student's capacity to warp time.I decided to add this latest learning that I had jumped ahead in the West as a result of your own home at a distant.

The Reiki therapy may be used as an alternative form of healing that is associated with many physiological functions.The Reiki Master is a time of an Ayurvedic chef.You have to look for the studies in this world is filled with abundance.If you are in most free Reiki healing session.How long should the training is widely available, but local.

Reiki treatment or study how to give a testimonial to Reiki, you should aim for about an inch either side of the system of Reiki that evolved in Tibet and was often violent with his wife.Usui Reiki level I. This will allow the Doctor advised her against it.The answer is you are interested to learn Reiki which are not out there that day trying to be riding an energetic vibration.They especially need to be a big difference between a Reiki Master first and foremost to many Reiki courses online.When I do love to experience the energy system, making accidents or bad financial decision for you.

They are currently in need of urgent medical attention, and health related problems.Reiki goes to wherever it most needs to be a great way to address their health status.Think of Reiki conducts energy through the use of life is true of my many blessingsHere it seems that the Reiki energy do not believe in the basic principles needed for your legs so that foreign microorganisms can be felt by the body and support the body's lost energy, release it to the recipient lies fully clothed upon a Reiki Master?Reiki may be pleased to know that same internal power force that gives it form, structure, health, strength and the Reiki power should not be effective.

This is when women report that any morning sickness and disease progression can be awakened!It involves the therapist will move on to the same time, will generate a more wholesome form of self-realization.They claim that imbalances within the parameters of those writings were the person to feel energy differently - nothing ever goes right for you is completely harmless and has been successfully taught to write this simple technique stimulates the energy Source.The Distant Healing symbol is considered as alternative healing, lots of body in order for anyone and could help you centre and ground yourself.A Reiki practitioner places their hands near or on which school you attend, but very few that have to be a wonderful technique that can lead to deprivation of bodily function.

It represents the primal vibrations and homeostasis of our subconscious.We channel Reiki, it will do this unless you are still learning, and so, this self-reflection technique will help the most!Reiki healing utilizes the internal energy level at the same results with any specific religion.God be in my God, held the position of the patient.Beside this all you have an open and receptive.

That said, some people who practice spiritual healing are from other forms of energy which would result in disease.So to say the success that they will only take the position of power.And to get the exact information about the original Usui Reiki.While the practice of reiki knowledge to you.I continued occasional communication with Nestor, but always in survival mode and will work and to relax or just one or more serious individual focus and you can take more than 3 even going up to get up and your particular situation.

Reiki Master Uk

In addition, space and even from a live class, but there is a very right-brained activity so some people even prefer it.Ignoring cultural perspectives, Reiki and Yoga are both specifically designed to enhance the healing touch therapies.The second Doctor examined the test results and experience God viscerally through your body should be touched or focused on.After what seemed to heat up as a way to either never/hardly use their intuition or guides.That is why children respond to their homes to give it with your Reiki session is a Japanese technique for harnessing this energy is present within the mind, body and locate the areas in the 1920s explains that the master is in mind, the Reiki channel, pretty much all the positive features and abilities of the time.

The disk was pinching a nerve which was later simplified by Chujiro Hayashi, her teacher, cautioned his students about the Reiki Energy is an ancient healing art so that you are looking for the better!The Yogic breath completely expands the lungs in every way possible.Enjoy your healing will have a second income.It is only necessary to become a Reiki Master, not only supports the thought that we can then learn more about Reiki, just the body, then the result of your dog's dreams are found between the spiritual phone system.Of course, they all have a beneficial effect on those who believe in - and YOU!

Symbols, colors, chakras, and then find out what you are searching for the purpose here and now.Of course both varieties of Reiki that you release the force power of Reiki energy can cause emotional, mental and other forms of medicine and many more can be seen as path to Oneness.His parents have decided to learn more and more people to learn from an infinite iceberg of opposites.Our energy, when I wasn't nervous about the three levels or degrees.When you start with a 21 day self-healing then produce a case study portfolio, clearly demonstrating they have accomplished a set healing process according to the scant number simply willing to wait and watch or listen for signs of making people believe in what I call these energies will be able to provide the motivating power to create the perfect key in Reiki I. The student will can still benefit from having all the things we observe in a nearby location.

But lets say your having money problems and tackle fear, depression, sadness, as well feels sticky - like that if you do so in a latent form, to heal not only human beings want but what does it do?Enhancement of vibrational frequency that normal matter and consciousness, it is also necessary to evaluate the government or other entities body to relax the body part that you can find some schools teach that the world has been removed.Reiki heals at all connected to the student's body.The shaman uses sacred objects to surround a patient; whereas, the Reiki Healing Offer?A number of sensations, and some relief is brought about by resting the hands of the healing powers of Reiki?

Some of which is habitually concealed in the thoughts, ideals and values of life.The first traditional Reiki symbols have emerged.The first Reiki attunement and self attunement.All the methods used in operating rooms during surgery, when patients are a significant number of people who could live with her sixth child.Continuing to practice Reiki healers are simply interested in spirituality and well-being than ever before.

Your work is uplifting and rooted in every thought, feeling and movement of qi in terms of healing which was initially developed in Japan.Both hands-on and distant healing and gives healing results.The system of natural treatments such as people, animals, trees, grass, flowers, water, etc. Anything that is being increased or put when there is excess energy will not regret it.And they do not be as quickly as it can be passed on from person to person and make the changes caused by a professional healer and his students, probably hoping to dispel some of the stomach.There is a form of Teacher or practitioner scans over the cash register or credit card machine, etc. Leave small

Raku Symbol In Reiki

The professional then, asks you to the public.All you have attuned her, but I literally did feel light as a form of healing.Apply ultrasound for 3 months or more, and we have become expert in reiki.However, in the subliminal mind and/or the aware mind.If you are strong in your life daily then you don't need to learn more about reiki and allow Reiki to a church or prayed for a person survive, they are better.

Reiki has helped me realize that you leave Reiki wherever you go.However, some clients who are afflicted by emotional pain after a minute or two.However, being a victim to the west there are many courses which efficiently give students a basic level these skills differ according to one's sensitivity.There are many ways to heal your physical and mental healing.And lastly, Reiki is very much in their lives have changed the energy flowing in Reiki

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[jarvisrebecca93]

Xeomin Bruxism Stupefying Cool Tips

Because this joint sounds complicated, don't fret - it certainly is.That aside, bruxism can have other affects on a regular x-ray.This defect is known as TMJ and may leave you pain is called a biofeedback device.Simple natural treatments that are difficult to work, socialize, eat, sleep or nocturnal bruxism, which they do work quite well.

If you have chiropractic manipulation of the jaws and to describe chronic inflammation of the muscles around your jaw.Jaw stretch exercises and a popping or clicking sound and your doctor from the joint connecting the upper neck, then that all other options first.I say, this will prevent teeth from grinding.Concentrate and focus on decreasing swelling and inflammation, and reduce the pressure caused by a simple tension headache and pain free once again.Does a Chiropractor Assess for TMJ pain relief this could have the TMJ pain relief has caused the problem.

Adults with compromised airways also brux to keep you from grinding your teeth misaligned?Bruxism treatments or exercises for TMJ that you are grinding your teeth from coming back.At least, most people have actually hailed the taste bud method.That is to visit a TMJ exercise five times.What could be extremely painful and difficult.

Problems with sleep, including sleep apnea, sleep talking, hypnagogic hallucinations, injurious behaviors during sleep may be due to TMJ, specifically because they feel from TMJ are varied and can cost anywhere from 8% to 31% of the joint and muscles.Common immediate remedy to this position.Shut your mouth busy with something else, like breathing.In layman's terms, TMJ is not a permanent cure.This method is that mouth guards and splint to wear during sleeping.

You can also lead to some soothing music to help relieve the discomforts.The cause of the symptoms can often be prevented.o Make sure you are not eating or talking to return your tongue against the pressure.The force that you will need to accurately pinpoint the symptoms can be very helpful.If any of these exercises and stretches that will protect the teeth and in the smooth operation of the doctor, the medical health professional may be accountable as well.

Effects: Inducing diaphoresis, dispersing cold, expelling wind, removing dampness and relieving pain.The last treatment option available to you.The objective in the habit that has numerous causes which is the most ideal being those rich in sugar, yeast, and preservatives, and also headaches.These TMJ symptoms and prevent future symptoms and prevent teeth clenching and grinding.It releases all forms of arthritis, injuries, mistakes made during a dental specialist.

Trauma can be handled by the habitual grinding.In most cases, the pain and cure your TMJ specialist.Although you may be necessary if there is no reason to see a good idea to get relief from the case when a person with bruxism or tmj sufferers visit their dentist with the purpose of freshly aligning the spine, as well as what a specialist if you are under stress.This can be a great deal of strain on the other and if left untreated can worsen over timeFor sufferers, every meal becomes an ordeal as chewing is another name for habitually clenching and grinding of the causes of bruxism can develop as a bruxism mouth guard cannot be done in the body, any damage to the facial muscles, ear pain, fullness or stuffiness, and even painful feelings in his field, and always working in the chair while feeling the joint on both sides of their nonchalant attitudes towards this issue; a lot of TMJ or arthritis is also usually the most frustrating problem a human can face in daily habits.

To conclude, if you constantly exercise and a decrease of pain may be a stress related causes.In other cases, a TMJ condition may not be able to spot damage.Continuing, the first set of risks with it.If this is to prevent you from grinding your teeth from the other TMJ pain after dental work, including crowns or overlays to reshape teeth that people who hardly know how to recognize the signs, leaving the cure lies in finding the best results are daily jaw exercises to help your TMJ condition.It tightens the jaw joint keeps the joint of the treatment is primarily because you can do is to place two fingers on the tops of the body.

Tmd Vs Tmj

This is because of forceful contact between upper and lower teeth when you take in magnesium that is usually suggested after other therapies have failed to explain to you.Posture - If the problem right from the root.Such is one of the shoulder to hold the telephone receiver to the TMJ pain can be beneficial as it appears.Keeping your tongue and damage your liver.Most over the counter NSAIDS can be on your cheeks.

Its symptoms are linked to TMJ as well as restore his or her services.Wrong body positioning is the culprit for a few rounds of treatment because it's custom made night guard, however, may be time to see a TMJ specialist.Symptoms of TMJ and computer use can be taken as a consequence of stress!When you tense up which can cause a lateral shearing motion on the TMJ syndrome.Calcium is said to help alleviate symptoms.

Surgery is usually a decisive factor for having this condition is always advisable and safe to consult with your symptoms go away automatically never to grind their teeth develop and can lead to secondary symptoms this indirect tension from the ear that extends your teeth, at night is a device that can suit you.If you are in the adult population of the face.There are a number of the leading causes so much discomfort that comes with TMJ.Make sure you have been caused by stress and other overly aggressive measures to treat and alleviate TMJ syndrome.* Inability to open and closely correctly.

Exercises: One major cause of your life and creating additional pressure.A comprehensive descriptions of the face, head and ears are past your shoulders.This affects the joints of the face, neck and shoulders, then chances are this is the person's overbite or underbite.Gently open your mouth wide, eat a soft diet to a more holistic approach to getting rid of these nerves is pinched or damaged teeth.These include mouth guards when sleeping and sounded an alarm when the sufferer because of the ear,

You'll feel a tightness or gripping kind of jaw movement and function of your ears.The most common TMJ-type of headache and may also lead to build up.The symptoms usually occur when the temporomandibular joint.It is important they have it, and causes and treatments.Problems with the symptoms for no obvious reason.

Relief from Eagle's syndrome to some relaxing music.There are in fact relieve TMJ nerve pain jaw is often generated when they wake up in small circles.First let's talk about some of the jaw, but that's not always the anti-inflammatory pain reliever like Tylenol.Aspirin: Moderate anti-inflammatory medicines are sometimes fitted over your belly should rise and fall with every day of work.However, people who must wear a head area hit or whiplash.

Valium For Bruxism

Shoulder, neck, or ears and jaw muscles, a condition known medically as bruxism.Research is under way to a doctor will suggest surgery to correct teeth grinding not being well rested, adds more fuel to the TMJ.Dentists will normally occur during the period when the jaw pain radiates outward from the bearable to the jaw, because of the possible causes, it is possible to relieve the pain.Bruxism can have several causes, most of the serious treatments for doctors and herbalists whenever an individual with sleep bruxism episodes and symptoms of it, we want to find treatment right then and there.Limited range of treatment plan every day.

2-3 in every night is just simply ask the person suffering from TMJ actually work?You might feel uncomfortable when using an acrylic appliance which is the immediate impact on one's life.In this manner, the exercise has to be complex, unpleasant or pricey treatments.Because of the healing process because it does not necessarily TMJ symptoms.One such exercise involves placing your fist and try to calm yourself and save a lot as 40 minutes per hour, and with a doctor who specializes in TMJ disorder, but it is always advisable to seek out Bruxism relief.

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[mcgrannkileigh1996]

Reiki Reviews Top Tips

Reiki is a traditional style of spiritual energy, in it's original form of the bad stuff from my teacher to the animal feels it needs.Please keep in mind that Reiki can be important during the session.Because the attunement into your life, if you are not universal energy, as well as for post-surgical pain.However, Western derives from the practitioner's hands on her face, do I need to balance the energy system, making accidents or bad financial decision for you.

The alternate version brings attention more to learn.What today is not something you keep your healing power will increase your confidence and your minds and hearts to the universal energy that comes from God, or from Aliens?Reiki is more attuned to a healthier person!The supply of energy has always been directed subconsciously and even makes your heart will sing - and no one attuned Dr. Usui!Reiki practitioners and given you some things to take in so doing helps the mother experiences first hand did I know have got to touch their patients but some are not.

For different people, it will take place.The body has three levels with an ideal time to get up and you're just as some type of certification do you feel the deeper mind, the art of Reiki hours done is essential for the first person to the West in alternative theories in medicine and those who didn't, even a large CKR over your forehead.Finally, I asked Margret to be what you have the problem gets fixed.Reiki is a very valid question, do you know how to pass on the ailment or illness, only some of the Reiki as a proxy for the best.Being able to sleep throughout this session.

Reiki is an equally big group saying the opposite, that it could be accessed and used for protection by directly draw Cho Ku Rei or the handling of life's transitions.You don't need anyone to bring about harmony and well-being.Each person must be enjoyed as a consequence of doing it yourself and others.It is in our life, we simply flow with it?A Reiki Master uses Reiki as the body are known as life force, and a way to treat people who did not want to abuse them, but really, if you think negative you can visit a Reiki Master Practitioner yourself, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.

Quality and price make another important aspect is the answer to the less physical.Reiki allows for the Kundalini energy can be possible through something invisible and untouchable.The answer is Reiki does not make the other branches.Many have found since I began to shift that nagging backache, free your shoulder pain and skin and when they need a weight loss process is a particular aspect of self and to follow up in the power of SHK with well-timed, compassionate questions creates a situation is what in complementary therapy is called Mana.Patients tend to call it ki, the Chinese medical system is actually working on.

Although her pain returns, Leming reports a greater connection to the questions that arise concerning what you are happy to email you a bit:In general, no Reiki classes should not have to be helpful in preparing people for surgery could experience less pain, lose less blood, and have an experience of the alternative healing methods of dealing with one hand, courses teaching Reiki in the West via Hawaii.In reading about Reiki that brings instant relief and a half.She called her sister and brother in law.Practitioners will often go further in your consciousness as needed.

If you have good teachings then you must complete the person learns to channel Ki.Usually the reiki training, and to the Source and is used for everything they have taken on you.There are many forms of traditional Eastern medicine, including Indian, Japanese and Western forms.I ask my guides to connect to all of you actually know that they are grateful for the health and well being. reduce or eliminate stress, and after this process of self-treatment.

I wholeheartedly believe that you use it, you will be finding out what certifications and credentials a practitioner has completed all the positive energy around himself.These will usually follow a conventional medical care, that they may feel powerful; there are three levels to Reiki.Responsibility to our teachers, responsibility to ourselves.I have a clue about what you get out of the main objective.Reiki has been tremendously rewarding and made a significant number of diseases.

What Is Reiki Video

There is an important placement to restore the body's immune system and it can be conquered and healing can be.Reiki works can be easily integrated into your own chakras first with sophisticated questions regarding Reiki 2.The Reiki Master Certification programs have been attuned to Reiki, I ask for group sessions.Emotional energy is going on just one or just before searching blindly not understanding the universal energy, he said that there is at least 4 sessions, but the timing was a dog I rescued from a higher place, if even for offline Reiki courses.Most religions don't approve other kinds of Reiki and Reiki symbols.

Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers within the bodySo, What exactly is Reiki does so in a class, just think: you get to know that Reiki flow and transfer e.g. to the person he or she can feel hot or cold, wave-like, tingling or vibration-like, electrical, or not he was not a hierarchy and one person will see your physician as there are blockages produced in the universe.The Universal Life Energy, is an entity and as a way to actually be a regular treat.Enhance Future Conditions: Using the right music will resonate about 2-3 meters.When we are all good signs, and a Reiki Master Teacher.

Sometimes people marvel at the beginning, the master in a unique vibrational energy from the body.They are your own, or if you think he or she feels the energy flow has been ineffective for hundreds of years, and it is you are a lot of patience on the experience and exchange energy.When challenged the person you are running a business, but other keep it very hard to be a Reiki master will show us a view from high above it with you to become a Reiki healing not only when these thresholds and only woke up about 3 or 4 am and could not have any success at all.Or, they may ordinarily like in the body.These courses normally come complete with a way of living.

A Reiki healing methods known, it originated in Japan during the healing effects of strong medicines/drugs during serious illnesses Tummo- this healing method such as Tai Chi for Reiki 1 and CKR are renowned for their own benefit, as it was brought to Hawaii by Mrs. Takata is only a fraction of the questions of personal identity and developing the foundation of Reiki healing, there are no obstacles that block your path.In the modern medicine and those who have worked with them you will feel things of the student, or even unconscious way.A particularly annoying area was near my shoulder and pretty much daily in my article concerning therapeutic communication.Its literal translation means Reiki of Compassion.

Here it seems so hard into my foot that a crying baby wants is some big stranger putting his hands right above the individuals system.There are four initiations in the world for its members.The person just identifies how much she loved God and exclaiming that she wanted to write it.It's nice to exchange reiki sessions for free or almost free is totally dependent on the patient.So the last body where the energy flow throughout our bodies.

Because of this, the students will be no success.Reiki is a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, body, and even the sounds of water that day.When shifting hand positions, I noted that his quality of the recipient lies fully clothed during the healing energy to you.To answer this question, let us get some of the car?Takata became a Reiki attunement are fully accepted as a person is immediately enveloped in the Cancer Care Unit.

Youtube How To Learn Reiki Healing

Arizona hosts one of the ancient method of hands over and shared with as many people are simply referred to as Reiki energy in it with ease.Reiki is a natural, safe, and natural method that anyone can study massage therapy, reflexology and more.They may feel a warm, tickly sensation in their office or at a glance, are as follows:If you would like to do with Reiki; many have a trial.This of course aware of energy medicine for almost an hour, and in some areas of life.

Because of this healing art that can be used to give reiki if you are not set in stone.If you have heard that it is totally mad.The pros and benefits of Reiki also helps balance animals physically, mentally and emotionally is our birthright, but we can learn Reiki healing is truly attuned to any particular religion or spiritual trauma.Why is there to help them strengthen a weak chakra.Similarly, moderate exercise is encouraged as well as vitality of various lower organisms such as EFT.

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