#me: mom I don't think I have depression

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

you're already sick of hearing the "I'm pretty sure I have depression but no one believes me :/" so how about we mix it up a bit with the brand new "I'm pretty sure I don't have depression but no one fucking believes me ;-;"

#me: mom I don't think I have depression #my mom: you literally take antidepressants #which. first of all. I'm actually not taking them regularly so jokes on you #second of all. I do not have a counter argument to that. BUT I STILL DONT THINK ITS DEPRESSION OK

[i-can-even-burn-salad]

Happy STS Elli!

What inspires you to write? Are there things that you know that you can get inspiration from or does it just come randomly?

Happy STS!

For me, inspiration doesn't mean "to write".

There are, and always have been, a lot of stories floating around in my mind - ideas, scenes, vibes, outlines. I get inspiration from literally everywhere, from talking to my friends, and video games, and scrolling past images or prompts, and reading books, and spending too much time on reddit, and…

Many remain daydreams, or character backstories, eventually lost to time.

Now for actually being able to sit my ass down and get words on the page? I don't know. It comes and goes as it pleases. Having a beehive where a brain should be does NOT help, let me tell you that.

I just. Can't focus on shit lately. Can barely make it through a chapter when reading. Every day is just suddenly over, and I got nothing done, and I am so tired. I have a completely outlined short thing I have been trying to write since Nov, and it's like pulling teeth.

I could do with several months off work while everyone leaves me the fuck alone. How would that be.

#salad-ask #aria-benedetto #sts ask #I cried new year's because after having 1 (one) day of my vaction actually completely to myself #Which was after I already didn't get any quiet time on my LAST three attempts at taking time off because someone was sick at home #And spending most of all that time just working (in my time off) and cleaning the depression piles #My mom berated me for instantly refusing to come over for some 'if I die you need to know where stuff is' talk #(note: there's no reason to think she might anytime soon and she was talking about like... a cd collection) #'You always have something!!!' #I don't know anymore how to get people to understand how fucking exhausted I am. #I'm about to let the stupid paint course voucher from work lapse because in a year I didn't find a motive I like and the energy to even #consider wasting 3 hours of my life after work to produce some physical object I have no room for while having to run to get there on time #Not to mention people!! A room full of people!! #I've just become sooo sensitive to noise lately I can't even stand to be in the kitchen when the fridge hums #And you're always always always the bad guy if you close the door in someone's face because they're whistling or watching tv or calling #It's cool :) Sorry I was being unsocial :) Lemme just quickly slam my head against a wall until I pass out :) #So uh anyway happy STS writing has been going well

[teasel-backatitagain]

Thinking about her (Karina Braun)

#I do not like her in the slightest #But also want to explore Reiners feelings toward her post rumbling #Her 'oh yes i only want my son' bullshit is not flying with me (nor is it flying with jean AHAHAHAH) #Karina used Reiner as a tool to further her own desires #Putting a clear expiration date on her only son as the ripe age of ten #She sees him coming back from his trip to hell depressed suicidal self harming and does not care lol #She also gladly pushes gabby toward the same fate (and we know how Reiner feels about Gabby) #So yes propaganda propaganda but goddamn the amount of damages she caused her only son (a literal CHILD) #Reiner is somewhat aware of all that but feels conflicted about it and might kind of push it away #Cause god he has already lost so much #She would have AT BEST troubles reckoning with the full extend of it and properly atone for it #And at worst be a nasty bitch about it and straight up refuse to admit anything but still insists on having a relationship with her son #Idk man wherever she ends up falling on that spectrum Reiner is in for a fun time #(cause i do think he'd want some sort of relationship with her) #(also i think she wouldn't be fully on board with her son kissing devil men (yes jean) on the mouth so that's a problem to add to the list) #Interested about how jean would fit in all of that cause of course he'd be there every step of the way #(they're in love your honor there is just a chance they don't know it yet) #Between his mom being so not karina #his foul mouth #big heart and burning desire to prevent reiner from being trampled yet again #That would make for some fun discussions #So much possibilities... the juices are jussing #do i have the braincells to discuss all this with the nuance it deserves at this ungodly hour? no #hopefully at some point i will #reinjean adjacent #rambling

[bootyful-seventeen]

i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh

#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it #she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin #all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's #all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood #and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here #and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does #so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff #when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die #and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates #cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter #grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni #she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t #so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too #and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress #when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk #i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz #cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all #grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done #unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess #it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help #like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi #and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous #and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree #at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar #without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since #we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by #i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear #its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage

[nightmareonpeachstreet]

Genshin 4.1 spoilers below

Neuvillette: *talks about the weird random laws of Fontaine, including that you're not allowed to name your domesticated animals after Furina*

me, who is literally adopting a new puppy soon and had already decided prior to this news I was going to name her Furina: I don't believe in that law I think someone else made up that law specifically to thwart Furina. did you see her playing with that cat? she loves animals.

#listen. the puppy is not even in the house yet but I don't know what you want me to say #her name is already Furina there's no changing it (even though again she literally hasn't learned her name yet) #new headcanon: Neuvillette made that law because Furina wasn't getting any work done #because she kept asking fans to send her pictures of her godchildren (animals that shared her name) #also because vet clinics were getting really confusing because half the animals were named Furina #this is the real reason why Furina is depressed #um anyway that part about adopting a dog wasn't a joke that's actually happening (I am genuinely naming her Furina too gfoidngdinohgdof) #I'm really excited...my dog I had for most of my life passed away last year #and I didn't think I'd be able to get another dog for at least a couple years due to certain circumstances #but my mom got it cleared up and now I can have a new lil puppy...she's so cute I'm gonna post pictures of her when she comes home #Genshin Impact // #Genshin Impact Spoilers #4.1 spoilers #Furina // #Focalors // #Neuvillette //

[snaxle]

im just sick of feeling guilty for spending money 😭😭 ..

#og #i wanna save my money so bad but the past year has been really hard on my family. lots of bad shit has been going on #and i just wanted to get stuff to treat everyone so we can have a nice holiday and to show them i love them #but now i have less money in my savings and it makes me really sad </3 #im trying to save my money up to eventually get a car which will allow me to get a better job and be able to move out #although i probably wont be able to move out for another few years bc. everything is so expensive #although my mom is trying really hard to find a job even tho i really dont think she should bc she's sick. but like. we're poor #and it's even sadder bc my younger brother wants to get a job to get some money too and it's like. no please it's fine #we can handle it you don't need to help out we're okay right now #OOF SORRY FOR VENT.. #next year i just really hope i'll be able to like. save my money up a lot which. idk if i can #so to make myself happy i get myself a lil treat here and there otherwise im probably gonna get depressed LOL

[chemicalarospec]

The funniest thing I wholeheartedly believe is that I have a neurodivergency not catergorizable or diagnosable as any currently recognized disorder. (disorder emphaized because heavily impairing functioning is generally a requirement of the clinical definition and a condition of diagnosis, and although i'm vexed i still Get By Just Fine)

because like yes those probably exist; there's no way psychiatry is in its final form now and there are definitely levels of neuro-difference that don't qualify as disorders, but like. that's so random and it's kinda pretentious to make such a bold claim about yourself. like oh u wanna be special, huh? 🙄 just be AuDHD like everyone else (<- joking)

#look the Mental Illness is bad frequently enough the PMS prolly is exasterbating SOMETHING but what?? who knows #maybe testorterone would fix me... i'm afriad but i've been thinking about trying it a lot #i've been so clsoe to having persistant depression (looking back something was wrong with me in middle school???) #but it just isn't consistant and strong enough to be dysthymia #cuz like i don't feel sad so much as i just feel. psychologically unwell. maybe i've just always been stressed. #the lack of focus being a PMS symtpom is too real tho once i found that out i was like. damn that's why i thought i had ADHD sometimes and #then i wouldn't. #my autism score test ONLY being outside of 100% allistic range on the social stuff.... #but i'm not a poor enough communicator for that to be a disorder #like there's all these little parts and they don't come together in the shape of anything i know #anxiety but not as bad as my mom who can't even get diagnosed bc it doesn't impair her functioning -'trich' but i don't pull; i snap or cut #but i'm still going to see a gyncologist bc PMS is the only lead i've got #i am goign to bring up T but tbh i think that's outside of their domains.... #i wish menopause didn;t exist bc typical birth control is NOT an option bc high risk of hormone-positive breast cancer #but blocking my menstrual cycle would honestly be my dream outcome #but my understanding is if i don't replace E with T i just go into menopause and htne like. well my mom's going through it now and it #doesnt seem like. a good time. #I said this #personal

[draco-renn]

Man. All I do these days is fail to meet expectations and then get upset at myself for failing to meet those expectations. This sucks.

#the dragon sings his songs #blowing out smoke #i'm supposed to be taking this break from my course as an opportunity to do the things I've been meaning to do and I've just been rotting— #—in bed on my phone and sleeping in and jacking off like i hardly even get up to eat or go to the bathroom #side note i know this is a textbook sign of depression and burnout (comma) most likely both (comma) but who in my Chinese family is going— #—to believe that? def not mom who'll just scream at me for not sucking it up and pushing through it and not dad who won't do shit #my grandparents might believe me but there's a language barrier on mom's side plus 公公 seems to think I'm the perfect infallible capable— #—[granddaughter] and I can't bear to break his heart with the truth #and then on dad's side they'll probably be sympathetic but everything i tell them makes its way back to my parents and that'll just result— #—in ont huge blowup that'll drive another wedge between mom and dad. and I mean PLEASE hurry up and get divorced but I also don't want 爺爺— #—and 嫲嫲 to get caught in the crossfire #plus I'm supposed to be helping them esp now that 爺爺 is running out of time as an active able-bodied person but instead of doing that I— #—spent all day in bed. which is not helping my guilt and shame on top of everything else i have to deal with (comma) let alone his workload #today's such a nice sunny beautiful day too which makes me feel even worse for not even going for a walk or anything #it's still light out so i could but sunk cost fallacy is kicking my ass plus i have Mandarin class kn a couple hours #and k know it's a couple HOURS but I'd have to get dressed and set a timer and everything and just the thought is so overwhelming that I— #—just can't. i'd ask to be institutionalized if it wasn't for the rampant ableism in the mental health field plus the fact that— #—institutionalization is just an extension of incarceration #if only the people who have power over me would just listen and actually take care of me so i wouldn't have pushed myself to this point

[stillcominback]

🎀 🎀 🎀

#hi cuties! just doing a quick little check-in since it's been a minute ✨ #still not really checking tumblr cause there's just too much going on and i'm trying to find some joy here getting settled in a new home! #i do check here and there though so if you wanna hit up the IMs i'll for sure get back to you!! 💕 #ANYWHO: things are going okay! kinda same old but just trying to enjoy what i can and take a day at a time #started talking to a recruiter today and she was so sweet (and my age which is a bonus) so i'm hoping she'll be a good help ... #... in the old job search (while i keep looking on my own as usual of course) but still! having someone who's JOB it is to search for me?? #feels promising??? i hope! #(even tho in all honesty this job search stuff has been peak deflating and depressing but! we keep movin!) #i'm also super excited that my mom is treating me for xmas/my bday to a trip to london to visit my best friend #(since they weren't actually able to come visit for the holidays sadly) but i think it's gonna be special and healing 😌💕 #i think that covers most of the things!! pretty pleeeease come hit me up on discord!! #i would love to chat and write more there and have servers and all that fun stuff so don't be shy! #love and miss you all so much *big hugs to the dash* #00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

Me, my friend, and her daughter (she's 5) were walking at the park today and her daughter just reached up and grabbed my hand and held my hand for like 5 minutes while we were walking and i almost started crying

#she didn't want me to leave when i was leaving 🥺 #we saw a little baby mouse in the visitor's center at the park and got the people there to rescue it and she wanted to pet it so bad 🥺 #i think my new best friend is a 5 year old little girl even though I'm really awkward around kids #like what do you talk to them about? hello child i am 23 and depressed but you are 5 and adorable pls don't ever grow up #i gave her a bee i crocheted bc it was from a kit that andrew got me and it was supposed to be a 'turtle bee' where it was a turtle and you #took it's shell off and it was a bee. i only ever got around to making the bee part and then we broke up and i couldnt look at it anymore so #i gave it to her and she's like why doesn't it have a mouth and my first thought was well kid I didn't feel like looking at it anymore and #you'll appreciate it more than i will so you can have it even without the mouth. #im debating on giving her the squishmallow he gave me. cause it's currently wedged between my bed and the wall #but it's cam and he was my favorite squishmallow before Andrew got it for me. like i already had one this one is a different edition #so like i want to keep it bc it's a Christmas sweater cam. but i dont want to keep it bc ouchy memories. and she'd get more use out of it #than it being wedged between my bed and the wall so i dont have to look at it #we were driving back from this store bc her mom had to pick up a uhaul and she was too small to ride with her so she got to ride with me #and this poor little 5 year old had to carry the conversation bc i didnt know what to talk to her about 😂 she's like what do you do when #you're home and im like don't tell her you lay in bed all day you can't tell the chils you're depressed and im like i like to read and play #with my animals and crochet. she was very jealous that i have cats. and when we were driving back from the park i had music on and her mom #and me were talking and shes like I CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC GUYS and her mom goes that's her way of telling us to shut up. and then we stopped #talking and she's like i still can't hear the music 🙄 so i turned it up some and im like jen im introducing your daughter to waterparks 😂

[anitalianfrie]

.

#God I can't fucking do it. My sister is in the middle of a manic episode and I'm the only one that can kinda convince her to idfk #calm down a bit and my mom keeps pushing bc she isn't able of not pushing and keeps asking me what she said and she didn't say #anything it took me one hour to bring her home do you think I'm going to try to convince her that it's false our parents hater her? #God I was barely able to get her home #I don't think I can make it #This and d being so anxious i had to miss half of the last month of lessons and seeing him like that tore me apart and school and I'm #fucking clinically depressed and I have to take all of this on my fucking own bc mum is too stubborn and then there's also fucking school #And I don't want to go bad but it's too late now isn't it? I tanked my English grade 100% after today and it's only gonna get worse

[z00r0p4]

Been progressively getting more depressed and weepy on a daily basis about the hopelessness and meaningless of my life n situation n just today realized "oh it's because I go back to school on monday" and I associate school with pain because the seats are always fucking horrible and I always have to do sooo much work and coordination with accommodations, and I have a 3 hour long class this semester that I have to take in order to graduate with my minor and I cannot sit almost anywhere for that fucking long given my health problems. So I'm going to have to probably talk to this professor and beg them to let me stream in-- which will probably not work. My spanish class is in a room with god awful seating. I have one class more than I usually do and even though its a 1 credit class it's still another hour I have to spend in pain.

So all that said, my brain is apparently so traumatized by how awful my pain has gotten in the last 2 years that it's basically triggered by just. school. Probably need some sort of cptsd diagnosis. And lots of therapy. idk guys. I hope I can actually make it to my graduation.

#I don't even think therapy will help me though honest to god #the therapist gonna need therapy for themself after they done with me #Because I will argue w them to hell and back about ʷʰʸ it isn't fair for me to have to dutifully stay alive when #I am just a spectator to everyone else's major life events and milestones #and in private my life and my body continues to fall apart and betray me #And nobody fucking sees it. & If they know what I go through #they lie through their teeth about my value to make *themselves* feel better. #I hate this life and I hate this body I'm trapped in. I hate the world I am forced to live in #I stay because I'm waiting for a good argument as to why my life actually does matter #That and I don't want to traumatize friends and family #Like I need therapy but I also need to talk with like. Philosophers because I highly doubt any psychologist's ability to change how I feel #I've been in appointments and meetings where the therapist genuinely just doesn't know what to do with me. #“it sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed” #Oh you think???? #vent #sorry to be the Bitchy Depressive but #I have a “just get out of your head” mom #and I've tried so many things to do that but to no avail #I need to know that this semester is going to be liveable.

[edwardnashtons]

you know it's bad cause i'm just leaned over watching the washing machine run

#my mom is looking for a place for her and my brother to stay like i mentioned before #last night she says that the dog is so old and achy and i think i'll have him put to sleep since this place i like doesn't allow pets #!!! #please don't KILL MY DOG because it's an easier commute be so fucking for real rn #he can be registered as an ESA for your depressed and suicidal kid do not blow this for me #although perhaps i am also becomming the depressed suicidal kid if she keeps this shit up #i wish i was joking about this #personal #me post #tw animal death #animal death

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

#the fact that i framed my degree certificate and asked my father to hang it like one month ago and he never did #so now i put it on the kitchen table and asked him again and he still won't #instead he uses it as a sort of tray and it's full of papers and letters #once again confirming to me that A) he doesn't value it and my journey at all #B) believes I'm stupid like every time we talk just because it took me 4.5 years to graduate and have two more years to go #as if I weren't in the middle of a pandemic still depressed and trying to study engineering after a liceo linguistico #which yes it's a good reason for the delay but whatever #i don't have a job yet because i still need to study and you knew it before i started so like??? what do you want from me #oh and the hanging the frame thing. you'd think he was too busy to do it #he's retired. it's been two years. he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve a couch or a television #and I'm fucking exhausted #mom's still not feeling good the kid's still here basically everyday and who's got to take care of everything? me #and when I don't on principle i feel guilty and bad because no one is ever gonna tell him anything #sorry #rant

[dewitty1]

Saturday Six (Stuff)

Cats woke me up too dang early. It was mostly Reggie, of course, so I chucked him out (don't @ me about it - he's and indoor/outdoor Boi) because that's what he wanted anyway. I didn't realize it was that cold until later, when I actually got up, thanks to Leeloo. So, I went out and called Reggie several times, with no luck. He decided to wait to come back after three + hours of being outside (not too unusual, but random enough) and I give him the Molly Weasley "Where *HAVE* you been?!" he just looks at me and gives a "maow" like "Whassup mom? Wassall the hubbub?" Crazy damn cat. Gotta love em. (^・ω・^ )

I'm really getting upset about the business situation. Idk what to do. It's bad, bad. And I've looked at jobs. Nothing much but nursing really. Ugh.(;*´Д`)ﾉ

I find it funny that I identify as aromantic, but I love reading romance novels (not as much as I used to, but I have some old faves), Drarry fic of course, and I love RomComs, and shows like Love is Blind and Indian Matchmaking lolololololol. I guess I just don't feel it for myself. Idk, it's weird, to me anyway.（*´▽｀*）

I really hate asking people for help. It really feels like failing to me. I guess I have my parents to thank for that one. But I've been asking people to share my business posts. Mostly on Fb because that's where the old people with money are. I don't love it, but this is the world we live in.(o;TωT)o

As if things weren't bad enough, I also got a jury duty summons in the mail for my birth month. But at least it wasn't for my actual birthday.

Anyway, I'm just trying breathe. And I keep hoping that something will come through. I'm still swimming, even though life is trying to drown me. p(*＾-＾*)q

BONUS - Mom tested positive for covid! So life keeps giving! (•̀o•́)ง

#Saturday Six #About me #Personal #February 17 2024 #Please do not rebloggle #Carey rambles about life and stuff and things and being really effing depressed rn #Like ya I don't want to HAVE to work but I need to because of the shit crapitalist system we live in rn #And it sucks but I'd rather work for myself than any other place #I honestly think I will wither and die if I have to work for a corporation #Like I might be OK if it's another small place like the ski hill I worked at but I can't go back to fast food or some random cashier job tb #Like I seriously think the depression would kill me #And I'm not even joking #My parents don't get it but I might have to tell them... #Ughhhh I really am over fighting them #I wish they would just be cool and supportive but they're silent/boomer Gen and don't know how #Anyway I'm done rambling for now lol #Thank you so much for for reading my nonsensical rambles whenever I post them #I appreciate y'all so much #I hope you have a great day or night wherever you are #Hugsss from mom or just a friend whatever you need right now because I know I need hugsss too٩(๑•◡-๑)۶ⒽⓤⒼ❤💜💙💚💛❤️💗💕💖 #Now back to your regularly scheduled scrolling #Whooowhoooo now I might have covid again!!!! Happy happy joy joy

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️