#me giving myself anxiety

[stuckinapril]

how do some people just go about their day without crippling anxiety?? that lifestyle is so beyond me i cannot even conceptualize it. i have to hype myself up to do even the simplest shit

#had a meeting w a prof today and was actively hyping myself up while walking to his office LMAO #side note but bc of tumblr’s demographic & the general vibes here I assume everyone around me irl struggles w the same underlying anxiety #(which is not true) #but it’s wild whenever I meet people who don’t give a fuck #or I should say simply don’t have anxiety bc anxiety is not always a choice/mindset #it’s just like. how do u exist?? without affirmations I’d be NOTHING #p

[theminecraftbee]

you know, there are a lot of posts about how transitioning as an adult is like going through puberty all over again. and I’m not medically transitioning (at least not yet, maybe one day), so I don’t know if I ever expected to exactly experience that. after all, my hormones are at normal adult levels for someone on birth control. but no, some of the stuff I experience does make me feel like a teenager awkwardly becoming an adult again, actually.

see, I’m attending a friend’s wedding, and I need new formalwear for it (protip: it is generally frowned upon to wear a wedding dress to someone else’s wedding, and that’s the last formalwear I purchased). and I just… really didn’t want to wear a dress, so I went to go get a suit. and I didn’t know how to get any of the required clothes for it and had to have a salesperson help me figure out how dress shirts work and nervously stood there while getting shown how to try stuff on and it really did feel like I was a lost teenager, despite being, you know, almost twenty-six.

but also: I own a three-piece suit now! it’s grey! it looks pretty good on me! I even got a blue tie with bees on it! so it was worth the temporary embarrassment of suddenly realizing I don’t know how men’s formalwear sizes work and, oh god, why are there so many variations of “white dress shirt” what does this mean.

and I figure as I very slowly work up the confidence to be out more irl there will be more and more moments like this, and I’ll lament the fact I didn’t do all this stuff as an actual teenager, but as weird and scary as it is, so far, it’s been worth it.

#also shoutout to the salesperson both at the suit store and the department store #they were VERY nice and reassuring and the woman at the department store wished me luck which was very sweet #I was. very obviously nervous social anxiety is a bitch #I kept being like ‘I’m so sorry I don’t know how this works’ but I never had anyone teach me so I must give myself grace #anyway more personal than I normally am on this blog but I’m excited and also figure someone out there probably relates #just. late milestones. thing I keep experiencing both because autism and because not cis #suddenly realizing ‘oh most people figure this one out as a teenager’ #milestones are bullshit anyway #anyway some stuff needs to come in and then be hemmed so no pictures yet but #suit……

[puppyeared]

if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified

#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing #i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though #at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself #as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed #escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date #although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL #ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting #workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety #i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back #AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO #im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts #i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem #in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material #and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school #maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess #only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard #hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms #i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work #not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall #anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh #yapping

[todayisafridaynight]

no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo

#snap chats #is this a gaiden spoiler. its been like five months catch up you nerds #ANYWAYYYYY NOO I LOVE HIM ....... this whole bit is like four seconds long but i love it so much #i just reminded myself i should probably make gaiden/y8 videos for daigo.. i'll make it a JP/ENG comp or somethn.. one day #not soon tho like its barely anything since he's not in those games Long At All but still. im lazy 💀 #excuse me while i gush about daigo for twenty minutes now because hehee HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T GET OVER IT #this is literally the middle aged equivalent of going yippee like YOU CAN TELL HE'S SO RELIEVED IT'S SO CUTE #got the energy of a student with crippling anxiety after they somehow get through giving a presentation without throwing up #AND his lil smile ......... thank you gaiden you made me wanna eat drywall with daigo's sad puppy dog eyes about kiryu #and then immediately made up for it a minute later #sorry i keep scrolling up to look at him and i love him so much. what if i threw up #i dont like using babygirl lightly but this is actually the most Babygirl frame of him ever ive decided #thats my boy .... i love my boy so much ..... he's so cute ... come so far in life congratulations king ..... ily ... #him lookin up at the sky for a minute just to breathe i know he thankin god for the fact he somehow isnt dead yet #im gonna ignore the fact all of this was for naught so i dont bash my head against a wall anyway stan daigo #im gonna be sick i love him so much #if i redraw this later shut up. i love him... #this is why i try not to look at cutscenes anymore cause when i do i feel my brain being put in a microwave and start to melt #its not my fault i love my guys so much .... ok bye i have work to do .... #and then when i finish that work i can go back to loving my guys YAAAAAY !!!!!!!

[thychesters]

Luffy is like staring into the sun.

At least, that is what Zoro thinks the first time he sees him. But then, his first coherent thought had been it’s too bright upon their initial meeting, looking up from glowering down at the ground to raising his head and squinting at a too big, self-congratulatory smile and do you want to join my crew?

Then it had been simple enough to blame the harsh sunlight blinding him, framing Luffy’s profile and that bright grin, and he’d bitten back the hell I will one minute and had a sword and an oath clenched between his teeth in the next.

And so Zoro follows the sun.

He follows and his skin reddens and blisters and peels; it splits at the seams and bleeds as he burns, and still he follows. It aches and cracks, and still he reaches out, twining his fingers through promises and a loyalty that will not bend.

Luffy curls a hand around his jaw and it’s a different sort of burning, flaring up into his eyes and down to his very marrow. And Luffy asks, where will you go? Nowhere, Zoro says as the words gather in his throat, raw and parched, and he chokes on them, anywhere.

His touch is a balm as fingertips skitter across his skin, soothing and pressing and digging and prying, and Zoro thinks he would burn again and again, blinded by the sheer brilliance of it all.

And then it’s dark out on the open sea, some nights, and then others too many stars dot the horizon, gathering up above them like they’re spilling out of the slit open belly of a giant, and Luffy tilts his head, blistering heat where he rests against his shoulder and looks at Zoro and says, I think I know where, and would you come with me?

And Zoro is a drowning man with a lungful of sea water, salt gathering with blood at the corners of his mouth and asks, of course, and where?

Luffy smiles and it’s a gathering of starlight and the sun, and it makes Zoro want to shove his fist into his mouth and shatter every one of his teeth, and Luffy would just laugh and bite down on his wrist and lay claim to his pulse point, like he doesn’t already live inside its every thrum.

No telling, he says. Will you still come with me?

And Zoro burns and it rages in the pit of his belly right into the raw skin of each scar, into his fingertips as they dig into Luffy’s scalp. How dare he have to ask, grin with the knowledge that he already knows the answer, and Zoro turns to follow the sun and says, yes, says I wouldn’t be anywhere else.

#zolu #or however you want to interpret it i suppose! #roronoa zoro #monkey d luffy #one piece #roses are red / violets are blue / i want to set myself on fire when i look at you -- zoro probably #(sanji: ok do NOT say that usopp: stop chopper's turning the infirmary into a burn ward. you're giving him more anxiety than usual.) #the first few lines were originally written for another wip i have but i'm bullying myself into getting further into the story first #since i'm only on episode 135 now but i'm!! impatient!! #so maybe that'll come along eventually! who knows! not me! #i wanted to try something different and write something a little more poetic with them but at the same time #neither of them are poetic at all #like why use 20 words when 5 gets the point across #sometimes love is stored in a burn. or a stab wound. #(well i already used that for that last fic with nami but that was more. her and zoro being bros. it's different here ashfjksdalgs) #pardon the typos rip #and if anyone would like this tagged for anything please let me know #kate writes #**

[amethystina]

I just want everyone to know that writing sex scenes is the bane of my existence and I regret every single life choice that has led me to this moment

And, before you ask: No, it's not Who Holds the Devil.

But is it Yo Han and Ga On?

Yes, yes it is.

And I cannot BELIEVE how kinky and oblivious Ga On manages to be, both at the same time. He'll definitely be the death of me (and Yo Han) before this is over.

Just...

ლ(ಥ益ಥლ)

#Amethystina Writes #Look #I just wanted to write something short (by my standards) to get back into the swing of things #So I figured a 5+1 would be a good idea #But when I finished that I felt like there was something missing #So I added a +2 #And that +2 has now devolved into a sex scene #And it's becoming quite long #The fic was already 13k before the +2 happened #And now it's pushing 18k and I'm not even done #I have so many regrets #Save me from myself #But hey #There will be a fic I guess? #If I can bring myself to post it because sex scenes give me performance anxiety #In short: #*incoherent screaming*

[silenthillbunni]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :(( #it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more. #so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[tentacle-stylograph]

REMINDER

BIG

BIG

REMINDER FOR MYSELF FOR THIS SEMESTER:

FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. FEEL HELPLESS. DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CONFUSION.

ASK QUESTIONS.

DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ANNOYING YOUR PROFESSOR. ASK QUESTIONS. BE A PAIN.

#i get the wording might not be ideal for all people. this is my way of reminding myself that it's okay to #feel feel anxious but don't let it stop you. #hopefully it helps more people than it gives anxiety tho lol ahahahaha.... #good luck in your new semester everyone!! #the shelf #pin #also i'm not sure if all these images require credit. if they do please let me know who made whichever given image and i'll #edit the post as necessary!

[was-mcr5-announced-today]

No

#this blog's getting to the point of having as many followers as my home village has inhabitants which is starting to give me a bit of #social anxiety bc i keep picturing myself getting in the middle of the town square and yelling the news at everyone #hear yee hear yee style yk. anyway #mcr5 #mcr #mcr5 is real #my chemical romance

[eeveekitti]

i'm a little kid, and so are you don't you go and grow up before i do

#rain world #rw hunter #hunter rw #rw survivor #survivor rw #rw monk #monk rw #rw honeystickfam #lyrics from turning out by ajr #telling myself im allowed to like this family #telling myself that im allowed to find comfort in them #telling myself that im allowed to give them a name to refer to them by #and that its not problematic to give them a name even though names are usually reserved for ships #i had a MASSIVE anxiety spike regarding just wanting to call them as a family honeystick #since it got mistaken for a ship #theyre the honeystick family and i love them and i hope people are okay with them having a name #think of it like a last name #hunter honeystick survivor honeystick monk honeystick #the name is honestly more for me and my interpretation of them but honestly itd make me feel so much better seeing other people use it too #anyway tag ramble over

[brown-little-robin]

あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up. #this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY. #it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's— #hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker....... #I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!! #WAH!!!! #I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

[rubyscarbuncle]

I’m trans, and that’s so fucking awesome.

“Oughhh but I feel awful and I face constant discrimination” not to minimize that, but maybe that’s not where the story ends, maybe my life doesn’t have to be about the shitty parts, maybe my life doesn’t just have to be the hurdles I’m jumping over and the people that I’m stuck dealing with.

Maybe I can love that i am a part of something bigger, that I am a part of a group of people that would rather etch their true name on their tombstone than be someone they’re not. That I am someone who has deeply explored themselves as a person and is constantly changing and growing and loving myself in new ways and with a sincerity and exploration that no one else can in the same way. I’m constantly reinventing myself and enjoying the person, not only that I’m turning into but that I am right now, albeit with the challenges that come with it. And fuck anyone else.

I’ve been spending too long focusing on my anxieties and trying to “become” a girl or “pass” as a woman. Too long saying that I’m not enough as a girl until I pass or treating transness as this “condition” I’ve been straddled with that makes me worse off compared to a cis woman, but I’m me, and I’ll live and breathe and love life to my own tune, and I will die to that tune, and i don’t care who the fuck doesn’t jam to it because it’s not their life. I have been given this opportunity to love myself and claw a home into this body of mine by force if I have to, and that’s something I can always take pride in.

I’m trans, and that’s so so so fucking awesome

#trans #transgender #transgenderism #lgbtq #lgbtq+ #lgbt #and no this is not to minimize trans struggles or to say that those anxieties and fears and discrimination aren’t hard #or that they don’t sometimes make me miserable #but that not just in spite of it but regardless of it I want to continue to love myself and who i am and who i will turn into is awesome #and that I have more than enough permission to just be me #my voice and my body don’t dictate my happiness #and I can choose to love these things about myself no matter how someone else feels about them #or no matter how much they will make passing harder #I don’t give a shit #because I’m me and I’m trans and transgenderism will always live on no matter how much it attempts to be squashed and that’s so awesome

[peachesofteal]

I am trying to work on edits for the next chapter of Dead Disco and Simple Math, and they're both making me so emotional. Gah.

#not me giving myself anxiety

[bastetwastaken]

I forgot to share this with you all, but I was so proud of my fic Double Exposure that I got it printed as an actual real-life book and I love it. So much.

It sits on my book shelf, like, I feel like an actual writer. It's wonderful. The book is huge, it's just over 500 pages. I still don't believe that I actually wrote all of this. All 118,367 words.

I am so honestly incredibly proud of this fic, I think that might be evident in how many other one-shots I've written set in this universe, and I think I'm going to start accepting that feeling.

And of course, the art work. The ART WORK. A huge thank you to @artofnovagenesis who made the amazing cover 💖💖💖

Double Exposure.

Rating: Mature

Summary:

Yugi is an aspiring journalist, he’s spent a long time chasing bigger and better stories, but when the chance to interview one of America's most popular models on the scene right now arises, he might end up chasing more than just the story he expected.

Atem, the model in question, is used to attention. An adoring public comes with the job after all, but when Yugi walks into his life, a typical day at work turns into something much more interesting. Something he just can’t shake.

........

If you fancy reading the fic, you can find it here on Ao3 and toward the end, there's a whole chapter filled with the amazing artwork I was gifted throughout writing too ^.^

#puzzleshipping #atem #yugi mutou #fanfic #ygo dm #I'm just really proud of myself and maybe pride isn't such a bad thing to feel #and maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about telling myself I created something wonderful and lovely #but maybe I've been conditioned to feel inadequate at every turn and posting this is giving me huge anxiety