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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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AITA for not calling out my little brother on his offensive behavior earlier?

For a bit of backstory, I (F21) am autistic. I was diagnosed was diagnosed with ADHD and autism at age 7. I have been in and out of therapy for it (against my will) until I turned 19 and went to college. For years, I have been trying to prove to others that I am capable of taking care of myself. I don't feel bad about being autistic. It's not an injury or a misfortune or whatever. It just is. But I don't speak up for myself when people insult me (directly or indirectly) for it.

I've been called crazy by my entire elementary math class for a class assignment (we had to say one nice word about each of our classmates). I've been called deviant by my college friends. I've been infantilized and compared to a pet by literal adults even after I tell them that I am autistic. I haven't been good at reprimanding this behavior, and I think I might've gotten used to it, hence why I even allowed my little brother to call me the r word in the first place. I haven't been mentally well for a good while, and I've only recently started to get the hang of managing my ADHD symptoms, so only now have I started paying attention to other people's lives.

Now here's where I may be the AH. My (M14) brother is neurotypical, and although I haven't called him out before for calling me the r word, he recently started calling me it in front of his friends. He's also in a lot of trouble as well for being racist and sexist at school as well, and I've started to wonder if I've been too soft on him. I've been going to a out of state college, so it's not like I was too involved in his life, but I was present, on occasion, when he was saying offensive things with his friends. I feel that as the adult in the situation, I should have intervened. I feel that my autism or mental state doesn't change the fact that in those situations, I am the responsible party. I feel that by being non confrontational, I was hurting my little brother. He trusts me, and I want him to be able to rely on me for help, but I feel I need to stop reinforcing this behavior. I just don't know how.

Maybe it's a too little, too late thing, but I'm really worried about him. He has a different dad, so he passes for hispanic, and I'm white, so I've always been unsure what role to take to confront him about his racism. I've experienced sexual harassment before, but I don't know how to talk about that with him either. I've told him multiple times that I am uncomfortable when he says things of sexual nature, but he hasn't stopped trying to get me to listen to his favorite (highly sexual) rap music. The one thing I was certain about that I could potentially ask him to stop was regarding my autism. I thought, since it was personal to me, he would understand and would stop. Maybe it would help him reflect on how others feel regarding the other stuff if I set one boundary. So I tried to ask him politely to stop making fun of my autism because it makes me uncomfortable. He got really upset and asked why I had a problem with it now instead of before. I've always been uncomfortable, I just never said anything. It's not like I can go back in time to change my past behavior, but I can see his point. I never called him out on it before, so why now? We aren't talking to each other anymore, but I can't help but think about the role I've taken in his life to make him act the way he does.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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aprilsadviceaskblog · 16 days

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Hi, I hope you're doing great !! I am sending this ask hoping to get PTSD-related advice. Also, I'd like to talk about the healing process rather than the trauma itself, so I won't describe it (I think trigger warnings are not necessary in that case ? Or maybe just the ones related to mental health- I'm not sure, sorry...)

So I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD (trauma happened 3 years ago). I know time heals all wounds but I'm still concerned : I see everyone getting progressively better, and it's been kind of the opposite for me...? Symptoms are increasing every day and I'm able to do less and less. I talked to others and they've confirmed that I am getting worse and there is very little progress, if any.

For the record, I've seen a therapist a couple times : he thinks my situation is concerning, but he said that he can't do anything more to help. I also practice self-care all on my own : I am bad at the exercices but I'm patient and understanding with myself. I also have boundaries i make clear for myself, and I have tried to communicate them to others too. I am trying to open up more and talk with my friends about everything (the trauma, how I feel, how they can help) because they insisted I should do that too

I guess what I want to ask is... what next ? I am doing everything that should be done- so why are things getting worse...? I'd be okay with no progress, but actively worsening ? What more am I supposed to do ? Is there something I am missing, some crucial step I forgot to take ? I am sorry if this is inappropriate or rude or triggering- I really don't want it to be, I am just hoping you have answers. I hope you have a good day

Hi anon,

I want to say that healing isn’t linear. It’s normal for stuff to go backwards sometimes.

I don’t know how to politely say this but I think you could use a new therapist if you’re still open to therapy. He doesn’t sound great for you. There is definitely more than can be done and if he’s saying he can’t, then he likely isn’t the therapist for you and can’t meet your needs.

I think a common misconception is that time heals all wounds. Time is a factor but we can’t just wait for the healing to happen. We have to actively do the work. And that takes time. But time itself does not usually heal the wounds.

I’m so glad you practice self care and it sounds like you have taken good steps. I do want to say that another myth is that “talking about it makes it better”. And while talking helps some people, for some people it can make it worse because they aren’t ready or it may just be neutral for them because that isn’t what they need. I definitely agree with telling people what you need and how they can help but it isn’t a rule that everyone must talk about their trauma to heal. I have known people pressured into sharing trauma details because “it helps” and it actually retraumatized them because they weren’t ready. If you are being pressured to talk about it but don’t feel ready, then please consider having boundaries about that too because that’s so valid.

This is from my website on a page about healing myths that I think explains what I’m trying to say a bit better.

“The best thing for people who were traumatized is to talk about it.” Traumatized people need to explore the memories and feel the feelings.

False. Talking about it can be a factor in acceptance and healing but this assumes that everyone responds to trauma and healing the same way. Sometimes people need more time to be ready to talk about trauma and forcing them to do it before they are ready can serve to re-traumatize them and make things worse. Some people might never be ready to talk about it. Some people are ready to talk about it, but it isn’t helpful to them and they don’t want to and that’s okay, too. Pushing the belief that traumatized people have to talk about stuff to heal creates an idea that there is some sort of rulebook to healing from trauma and there isn’t. It might push unrealistic expectations onto someone who then feels like they’re doing something wrong because they are not “healing” the right way. The truth is, there is no “right” and perfect way to heal. Everyone is different and what works for someone may not necessarily work for something else. At the end of the day, you should be asking someone dealing with trauma what they need and not telling them what they need.”

My long point here is that you aren’t failing because certain things aren’t working for you. You are a unique individual with unique needs.

If I were you, I’d take a look at the symptoms that are most distressing to me and start there in trying to manage them. If you want to write back in with what they are, I might be able to send some resources your way. But keep in mind, there is no one way and you might have to try a few different things.

Things aren’t hopeless even if they might seem this way. You aren’t beyond help or healing.

#april answers

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lumine-no-hikari · 2 months

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #90

I'm not really sure what to write to you about today. I think I might have overextended myself in recent days, and once more I'm finding that my brain feels like soup. The sense of not really belonging in this place is hitting me kinda hard today, I guess. Suppose you would know a lot about what that's like.

Truth is, I struggle often enough with the way I perceive the world around me. I do it weirdly (much like how I do literally everything else... sigh...). I'm not gonna bother to articulate how, though; I doubt you'd be interested anyway. Fact remains that there ain't a whole lot of folks I can talk to about it; even if I could, most wouldn't understand, so why bother. Suppose it is what it is though; no sense in bellyaching. I just wish that it was a thing that could be measured, recorded, corroborated. Something that could be rationalized, explained, made logical. My mind tends to despise uncertainties; it likes everything to be concretized and nailed down.

…Ah well.

Like yesterday, today was busy, and also painful, thanks to Physical Therapy. There's weird stuff going on with the right side of my jaw, and the muscles holding it together needed to be mashed up with metal implements. I guess I'm gonna need braces sooner rather than later, because I really needed braces as a kid, but I didn't get 'em, and now my bite is all messed up, which means now my jaw is all messed up, and having the jaw messed up pulls on the neck, which then pulls on the ribs, and my ribs being weird is why I've been dealing with limited ability to use my right arm for the last almost two years to begin with, but I hesitate to get it fixed because braces cost a LOT of money, and I think most insurances won't cover the cost of it this late in life, so… it's a mess.

My whole existence is kind of a mess in a variety of respects, and… ya know. Sometimes I'm not sure why I bother persisting when all of it seems kind of like a farce; I live in a defective body on a dying planet where everyone is so traumatized that lots of 'em believe that killing each other is the answer to all their problems. Sometimes I just... don't wanna. Waking up in the morning in a world where there is no ethical way to maintain the integrity of my physical vessel seems like a chore.

…But then I remember that there are people who like having me around, even if I can't understand why most of the time. So I gotta believe that something good might come of my derping around on this mossy wet rock hurtling through space, even if I don't yet know what it is.

You ever get the feeling like there's something you're supposed to be doing, but you have no idea what it is, and you're running out of time? Feels like that almost constantly for me. If you know what that's like and know how to deal with it, lemme know, willya? I could use some pointers.

In the meantime… there's some stuff I've been meaning to learn how to do. I'm not gonna tell you what it is just yet, because it would ruin the surprise. But I hope the results will be good, if I can stop being intimidated long enough to get the gumption.

Anyway… Sephiroth. My brain continues to be soup. I think if I keep going, I'm just gonna keep rambling. I'm tired, but… I wanted to write anyway, because you're worth others' effort, even when they're feeling weird. But it's time to stop for today, because I'm having trouble staying on topic and stringing cohesive ideas together.

Please stay safe out there, okay? I don't wanna endure your absence, just like the folks who love me don't wanna endure mine. So let's both keep trying our best to keep our chins up and our eyes on the horizon, okay?

I'll leave you with this today:

youtube

I know you're not a little girl, so maybe you can think "little one" instead. Please take the overall message to heart. Please do your best to remain kind and gentle, no matter what tries to come along and break you.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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karrenseely · 2 months

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Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.

#trans #transgender #lgbt+#lgbtqia #lgbt #trans kids #childhood trauma #complex ptsd #trauma #family #Emotional regulation #mental health #coping #emotional flashbacks #flashbacks #emotional energy #emotional bandwidth #lgbtqia+#queer

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crawlincreepz · 1 year

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It's so refreshing to see creepypasta stuff again after, like, 12 years lol. It's nostalgic.

I've recently been super into Lost Silver again, got so into it that I wrote a whole character sheet for my version of gold, and found your Headcanons while looking through some stuff! I love them very much. I didn't think many other people had the HC that he's definitely ANGRY alongside sad. It's super believable to me. I love all of your HCs for him. They're super good.

Would you feel like blessing us with some more sometime?? I haven't seen HCs that aren't x reader, and yours are just great. I'd love to hear more about the boy!!

anon you have no idea how much this made my day!1 i’m so glad ppl agree with the whole angry gold HC, he 100% has anger issues.

now, here are some more Lost Silver headcannons.

We’ve already gone over how angry Gold feels with himself and how stupid he feels for treating life so selfishly. Poor guy really needs therapy. (Is there such a thing as ghost therapy..?)

Gold has an unusual obsession with rainy weather. He’s a glitch! You’d expect him to hate water, but no! The sounds are therapeutic to him, also the pokémon like it as well. It’s one of the only times he allows his mind to rest.

He’s not threatening toward people. Gold has no intentions of hurting others, as he believes his demise was his fault and his fault alone. Why should others pay for his foolishness? Don’t get me wrong, Lost Silver is a powerful entity, but just because the boy died doesn’t mean he’s lost all of his morals. ..Maybe he’s lost a few, but come on. I’m trying to say Gold doesn’t kill like his other creepypasta “friends”. He’s capable of doing so, but doesn’t see the point in it.

His voice is more gravely and echo-y side. Not deep, but definitely not normal. It almost sounds like he’s talking in a big empty room on the rare occasion Gold actually talks. It’s a bit uncomfortable to listen to at first, with how unsettling it sounds, but you’ll get used to it.

Well, since we’re on the topic! On the rare events Gold would talk, it would be in one-to-two-word responses usually. I would say it’s not because he doesn’t want to talk to you but come on, we all know he absolutely despises talking to people he doesn’t know. Often he will scare others with how quiet he is. Gold could have been in the room for hours before you found out he was even there! Really, it’s terrifying. Even if you ask him: “How long have you been there?!”, he would give some unhelpful ass answer. “Long enough.” Like, what the fuck does that mean, man?!

It’s kinda funny, though.

On a sad note, Gold often “lets” his emotions get the best of him. There are times late at night when you can’t stop the angry torment in your mind. He can’t help but wail endlessly into the void until his throat gives out, unable to do anything else but scream out every bit of emotion left in his body. They always sound angry, his cries of regret and intense pain for the fate he thought he could escape. After all these years, he’s never going to accept that death indeed caught up to him. No matter how hard the boy tried, he could never escape the inevitable. Now he must pay the price.

After his death, Gold never really focused on wanting a partner. He’s aware he’s too emotionally unavailable for one. It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship with Gold, and he knows that. Maybe one day, if he ever gets his shit together, that is. But we all know it will be quite a while before that. Plus, he can barely make friends with his attitude! How in the world would he get a partner?

Game nights between Gold and Glitchy Red are incredibly chaotic. Seriously, never be in the same room as them on a game night. You’ll hear insults you never knew EXISTED, and god forbid they pull out Mario Kart or Smash Bros. One of the only times Gold has zero problems talking... *Shivers.*

Gold totally always wins in Smash bros, BTW. Red hates it.

#lost silver #creepypasta #headcannons #lost silver headcanons #creepypasta headcannons #pokepasta #glitchy red #pokémon #gold

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a-supersonic-whistle · 1 year

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dionysus in tsats

contains slight spoilers for tsats!

ok i mentioned in a previous post how i love dionysus and his story had so much potential to be included in tsats, so here's just some stuff i wish happened/were mentioned.

(preface to say that i did love all the interactions with him, i just wish we had... more)

if you're going to add ANY queer characters, the first one mentioned should literally be the god of homosexuality, cross dressing, and effeminacy

like all the minor characters were wonderful, but cmon! ancient greece wasn't exactly as open to equal/consenting gay relationships as people think, and strict gender stereotypes were really degrading to trans people (especially for "feminine men")

so if you consider dionysus's whole life basically, he would have had it really rough!!! like nico!!!

i think that if anyone could have helped nico/other campers come to term with their identities, it should've been mr. d, and it would have been such a different side of his we wouldn't have seen before

like a scene with him talking to nico about his relationship with will or talking about nico's whole catholic guilt sexuality crisis — that's the kind of dionysus content I NEEDED

i feel like the whole amphithemis storyline wasn't as well-explained/in depth as i wanted it to be

i was SO EXCITED to hear about this bc dionysus's childhood is super interesting and i wanted to see which interpretation of the myths rick/mark went with

it would have been so cool to maybe hear snippets about ancient greece, what happened to the other lamian centaurs, how this singular one ended in tartarus

or even maybe someone, i don't know, REASSURING AMPHITHEMIS THAT "THE CHILD" IS A GROWN-ASS GOD

when will and nico were recounting their journey to chiron and mr. d, i would have also loved to see some reaction from dionysus about his former caretaker being a mania in tartarus

also some acknowledgement of dionysus's madness! in a lot of versions of the myths, hera actually drove dionysus mad for a year (don't quote me on that timeline), so i think he could have had an interesting aside, if not full convo, about sympathizing with amphithemis being driven mad

there's a quote that's something like "dionysus stared dreamily at will as he described the underworld" or something like that — i wish we got a comment from mr d on what the underworld used to look like when he went down there (to save his mother semele who he brought to immortality)

according to riordan wiki (but very conflicting in greek mythos), dionysus was a demigod during the (original) gigantomachy, so i wish wish wish we got a comment on maybe what that was like or talking to the most recent batch of demigods about how to recover from it

a therapy session/talk between nico and mr d would have been really cool to read, or even a post-nightmare talk after mr d finished eating his popcorn

more dionysus/chiron interactions? some myths say that after he was raised by the nymphs, dionysus was sent over to train under chiron for a bit to gain wisdom and stuff, so i would die for some more of their relationship

also i've been wanting this for years now, but a dionysus reveal where he actually looks like his true form (aka literally stunning) would've solved my life problems. especially in such a gay book.

this is all i can think of for now but i'm literally planning on writing a bunch of chb and dionysus stuff soon because i'm in my "hyperfixate on a singular greek god's conflicting life story and deciding what i most agree with instead of studying for midterms" era :)

#more dionysus brain rot #i love this man #add to this with any more dionysus thoughts #i will read all of them #dionysus #tsats spoilers #tsats #the sun and the star #pjo dionysus #pjo

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olderthannetfic · 2 years

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i've made alternate accounts and never, ever tell anyone about the kinky smutty fanfiction I write, but I can't shake off feeling ashamed. i feel so ashamed after im done writing smut and post it and the comments come in. i feel so ashamed i enjoy taboo things. i feel so ashamed and i hate it so much.

no one knows what i do, yet i still feel icky and gross on the inside even though i know im not doing anything wrong. it's so frustrating because i want to write in peace, but even my own mind is stopping me. does this feeling ever go away? can i like incest and rape fics and writing them without feeling this deep, internal fear that someone will look at me and know what i write? im so tired of feeling scared.

recently a friend of mind berated me for retweeting a tweet by someone who likes my hero academia nsfw art on twitter. and it was so scary. because this person was someone i thought i could trust but they turned so quickly. i even had a stress dream about it last night where i sent something nsfw to a group chat on accident and everyone turned on me.

im currently taking a hiatus from all my fan accounts abruptly and no one knows why, but it's because im so scared of being harassed. idk what im going to do.

i wish we lived in a world where i didnt have to live with this fear.

I was never particularly ashamed, even as a young person, so IDK if I can give super specific advice that will actually work.

The potential danger from your unreliable friend is a separate issue. You may need to find different friends or to talk to these ones about how you felt unsafe. It's hard to gauge without knowing them, how long you've been friends, etc.

The feelings themselves though... Think of those more as a therapy thing. If you don't have access to a good therapist, you can still address them as this type of problem: work on stopping spiraling thoughts, talk yourself up rather than down, work on self confidence.

Maybe watching/reading interviews with creators of contentious art would help. Seeing them talk about how sex/dark stuff/etc. are vital to art could make that seem more legitimate to you.

But overall, I think a lot of this is a self confidence and self worth thing. The more you feel like you have a right to an opinion and to take up space, the less you'll anxiously obsess over whether thing X you like or do is bad.

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jadeleechsupportgroup · 6 months

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personal happenings and thoughts below the jump. cw talk of medical stuff, death, cancer, mental illness, bipolar, idk, a shit ton.

my dad is dying. he got diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in may, a week after he turned 70. he got immunotherapy treatments all summer. it shrunk the tumor but also destroyed the rest of his body because he was already just so sick in general. about 3 (4?) weeks ago, they found blood clots in his lungs and an especially large one in his leg. they suggested discontinuing treatment and moving him into hospice care.

i inherited my food allergies and bipolar disorder from him. and i'm trying to use that as a turning point in my own life - doing my best to avoid those foods (gluten non-negotiable, dairy just a bad idea), going to therapy (including IOP), staying on medication, etc. all the good shit.

but it has been so hard watching him die.

He tells my mom how no matter when he sleeps, he has nightmares. Whenever I go back home (out of state) to help, I see the manic and depressive episodes hit fast and hard. I feel like I'm witnessing the brain damage in action, and I feel like I'm watching whatever will happen to me if I make it to that age. I also never sleep like a normal person and have horrible dreams. without the meds I hear background noise in my brain, which I only learned more recently is a form of psychosis.

it's easy to look back and either be angry or sad about how i never got this kind of help as a kid or teen. I had symptoms in early grade school. but it was the 90s (1900s am I right haha) so I doubt there was anywhere my parents could have even taken me for treatment.

I'm trying to just...feel my feelings as they come. Practicing the things I learned in group because they mostly make it manageable. blogging here, i guess. learning not to ruminate too hard on this or the other things in my life which are shit, which idk if i'll ever have the strength to blog about, but maybe someday.

my dad and i have had a more difficult relationship since the you-know-what in 2016. living at home because i could afford nothing else, and coming to the realization that i was non-binary in addition to ace, suddenly became a hellscape with him spewing bigotry so openly. when it gets right down to it, i'm sure he wouldn't have thrown me out on the street. which i know is the bare minimum. it's complicated. but I also know he loves me. I can tell lately he's been thinking back on his life and the mistakes/choices he made. it doesn't make it okay but it's.......something.

I don't know. I spend my days waiting for the crushing sadness to punch me in the chest. It hasn't yet. But it's dark all the time now and it's cold as shit and the holidays are the worst part of the year for me because so many bad anniversaries are coming up. I'm in a place I've only lived for a couple years and I don't really have any friends outside of work (which is, of course, two jobs, because capitalism is a plague).

I know things will happen. Some good things, some bad things, some things with no emotional points awarded. knowing it's gonna hurt is not doing me any favors. but I have to get this out somehow so here it is.

and now for some pics that cheer me up.

my dad and I are both pilots, so this one is cute.

I won an iguana at the carnival as a kid. He lived an extremely spoiled life. And got very long.

and, of course, the wiggly pig (one of amelia's numerous names)

thanks for reading if you've made it this far, or even if you didn't.

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icharchivist · 1 month

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tmi mental stuff + ff7 (og) spoilers under the cut but also something happened that is both funny but also maybe kinda sad and well

i've recently been back to therapy because well *waves at stuff* and it means i have weekly appointments which makes a lot of things return to the surface, so, lots of things to discuss and all

but well, today i realized i kinda needed to talk about my ex-gf because it's undeniable this whole fiasco of a relationship impacted the way i trust people and stuff even if i mostly made my peace with all of this.

but the thing is that if i talk about her it means i have to lowkey make a coming out since i can't use neutral gender language in french, and i wouldn't know how my therapist feels about that until i dropped it, so i ended up kinda getting lost in my own head about how to address her

which means i wasn't exactly focusing on the rest of my wording when i said "in a sense she kinda made me her puppet" and it's only once the words were out that i stood there, freezing, trying not to fucking laugh on the spot because damn the Cloud kinnie jumped out (derogatory)

(for the record the therapist was perfectly fine with it so i stressed out for nothing but also lma-fucking-o)

and ironically the whole thing is that the whole reason i made my peace with all of this is a large part because of my 2015 ff7 relapse, because i really connected a lot about Cloud's relationship with Sephiroth like "wow just like my ex (derogatory)", and therefore i managed to heal a lot to an extend, even if there's definitely stuff that are still there considering how i still was a mess after rewatching AC. (and like to be fair there's more to it than just my ex, but this specific aspect hit hard and helped a lot)

but god the fact it's the "puppet" thing that came out just naturally is driving me insane. super normal stuff.

I hasn't even got to think about this plotline a lot since i came back to it, and i genuinely don't know if it might be just being reviving the remake that put back this concept in my head or something

but it genuinely made me want to laugh to see how, by projecting so hard on Cloud in the way back, i managed to get this specific type of language to describe this stuff

anyway, fun. who knew the kinnie would jump out to help in therapy.

also since i have the ff7 spoilers disclaimer just dropping it here but unrelated, i was gifted a book about the making of ff7 og recently and i shuffled into it the other day and it hit me in the face with that one quote i totally forgot about despite loving it so much it was my blog title then, "but i'm just Cloud, master of my own illusionary world".

what a guy to project on.

#ichapersonal #ichatalks #anyway that's my cue to go back playing ciao

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servin-up-surveys · 2 months

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survey #203

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom, for sure.

Who is the most overbearing person you know? Our landlord/family "friend." It's hard to call her that by now.

Do you still remember your first kiss? I do.

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? In general yes, but I do wish Girt and I had more time with just each other, not sharing houses with parents. I do sometimes wish we had our own place already, but I'm also very understanding of why we don't, both from my side and his. Sometimes I just get impatient and feel like I don't get to be a real adult.

How many kids do you want to have? Realistically none, there is a thick-ass book of reasons why I should not have a child.

Have you ever purposely given someone the wrong number? No.

Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I've never smoked anything.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Permanently.

Who is the person you have hurt the most? I'm going to assume Sara, but I have no way of knowing that for sure.

Who is the person that has hurt you the most? Jason. Sara's right behind him, though. She's SAID more hurtful things.

Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Girt.

Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? I'm aware that Dad did while he was with Mom but before us kids were born.

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… Buy Mom a house that's perfect for her.

The videos that always make me laugh are… Game Grumps ones.

One of my favorite writers is… Margaret Atwood. I'd like to read more of her stuff.

One of my favorite singers is… Freddie Mercury, RIP king.

What’s a favorite hobby of yours? RP. I want to branch off to more animal RPs, I've just had trouble finding places that aren't overly complicated or are my style.

I think a good source of therapy is… Journaling.

A friend who I can always be myself around is… I feel zero shame being fully myself around Tez and Mazzy. I think it's important to mention here that I KNOW I can be 100% myself around Girt, I'm just so wildly afraid of rejection/judgment/being seen as "weird" that I'm still sometimes needlessly hesitant. I've gotten better about it, though.

Something helpful to lose weight is… Not a very helpful response, but real talk, the most reliable "how to" I've found is to be in a good mental health state. My heaviest era took place during my saddest, and my healthiest weights post-initial mass weight gain came from periods where I was mentally well. NO, you do NOT need to be "okay" to lose weight, I'm just saying historically, that stood out for me.

A fear of mine is… Aside from the answers I normally give, for some variety, slugs. I'm very afraid of them just because of their sliminess and general texture. I will scream if I see one, and will NOT touch something one is on, even though I know how stupid that is, it's like I expect them to bolt up my arm when they're fuckin slugs, bro lmao. I want to overcome this fear, I actually think visually slugs are quite cute, and they're also helpful organisms that are just so harmless, but I'm so freaked out by them. It's funny, I'm not scared of snails at all; it's like put a shell on their back and suddenly the cuteness overrides the "ew slimy" reaction.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Anything meerkat-related, for sure. You could literally gift me a single Mountain Dew Voltage and I'll deem you a saint, haha.

Who is someone you’ve been enjoying watching on YouTube recently? I've actually been watching some Good Mythical Morning again! I'm wondering if perhaps my hyperfixation is cycling back around, haha. Maybe I just have three of them that rotate in my head like a rotisserie chicken.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? I think Bethany?

Which family member did you get your height from? My mom.

Which TV channel did you watch the most as a kid? Animal Planet.

Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite cousin.

If you had to choose a country to live in besides your own, which country would you choose? Probably Canada. Sucks major ass that you can't have hognose snakes as pets there, but.

Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? Short.

What did the last mask you wore look like? It was an oxygen mask lmao

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? I officially have now as of the second asthma attack.

What color was your nursery when you were a baby? I didn't have my own nursery that I remember. I had a crib in my parents' room, at least in the house we moved into when I was like, two. I don't remember the house I was actually born into whatsoever.

When is the next time you will attend a family reunion? Where will it be? We don't have these.

Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal? I do. I think the chocolate Krave is my favorite.

What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? Strawberry or watermelon.

Who did you last hold hands with? My boyfriend.

What sounds help you sleep? Rain on the window. A fan.

Do you have a loud or more soft laugh? LOUD bitch I am a hyena

Do you like to dip your fries in a frosty or ice cream? No, I don't get the appeal of this.

Cookies or brownies? Brownies.

Are you a fan of musicals? I'm really not.

Have you ever stargazed with someone? Yes.

What color is the vehicle you ride in most often? White.

What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Just ordinary spaghetti with meatballs.

Would you say you’re a condescending person? Not at all.

Have you ever mowed a lawn? No, that is not a chore I ever want to have.

What’s the last song you listened to? Pretty sure it was "Back In School" by Mother Mother.

Are you content with your social life? No. I wish I had a few more friends and did more things with these people.

Have you ever had edible flowers? I've had honey from honeysuckles.

Do you read other people’s survey answers? I read my friends' answers. And of course sometimes when copying surveys from randoms, I can't help but read some of their answers just because my eyes naturally graze over the words, but I don't pay real attention.

Do you work better alone or in a group? ALONE. I was one of those students in school that was often allowed to work alone when things were meant to be group projects; my teachers liked me and also had faith in my ability to deliver, so they respected how I was comfortable working.

What are 3 essential items you won’t leave the house without? My phone and inhaler are the only real musts. I carry my wallet in my purse too (where my phone and inhaler are too), and it has important cards in there, such as my blood type in case of some wild emergency where I need a blood transfusion and I'm nonresponsive.

Do you enjoy spicy foods? I do.

What is something you want to be remembered for? I advocated for love and peace and kindness towards our planet and all that live in it.

Do you like pickles? I love dill pickles.

What is something you take a lot of pictures of? MY CAT lmfao deadass

What is your favorite thing about the beach? Being in the water. I'm one of those people that love being smacked (but not totally abused lol) by the waves, being tossled a bit and stuff. If reminds me how small I am, how inconsequential my ass is in the giant scope of the universe and even just this single planet. It's VERY freeing from anxiety, I just feel very peaceful when I'm in the ocean. I hate the salty wind, I hate the yucky sand and walking through it and having it stick to your wet body, but being in the ocean is an S-tier experience for me.

Are you afraid of snakes? Not at all, snakes are some of my favorite animals on the planet. Like sure, I'm going to be respectful to venomous species and give them space, but even those I'm not properly "afraid" of.

Do you think frogs are ugly? No, they're cuties!

Name three things that you find refreshing. A nice cold drink, a cool breeze, and the taste of mint.

What is your favorite vegetable? Broccoli or well-prepared green beans.

Do you own any succulents? No, just fake decorative ones. I'd kinda like to try taking care of a real succulent, so long as it was hardy. I don't have full faith in myself with taking care of plants.

What is your least favorite shade of green? That like, puke green color. bleh

Do you like olives? No.

What are three of your favorite insects (or insects that you think look cool)? Butterflies, moths, mantises. I wanna mention ladybugs too, they're so cute, but I think they've gotta come in 4th place.

Would you ever dye your hair green? I have done this before, like a mossy green color and I loved it.

Are you a tea drinker? I hate tea. Any kind I've ever tried.

Do you like mangoes? So I'm funny with mangoes. Mango flavor? It's one of my favorites! But the texture of real mangoes is so fucking repulsive to me, I can't eat them. I was SO disappointed when I tried one the first time.

What’s your hair texture? It's VERY thick. Smooth, I guess. Mostly straight, mild waviness.

Do you play games on your phone? Yeah, I enjoy PokemonGO, DragonVale, Dragons of Atlantis, and Amaru (it's a self-care pet but has "game" traits to it).

Is acting something you’d enjoy? Are you convincing? No, I would feel VERY uncomfortable.

In what ways are you immature? I am very attached to/reliant on my mother.

Are the Olympics something you get into? Not at all.

Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla milkshake? Chocolate or vanilla, depending on my mood.

What’s something or someone you’ll always defend? Gay rights. Access to safe abortion. Equality of all sorts. Lots of stuff.

#survey #surveys #personal questions #personal surveys #random questions #random surveys #questionnaire

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 8 months

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Every once in a while, I do Chortle headlines round-ups. But this time, it's their external headlines list that caught my eye and seemed worth posting:

Yep, that seems to me like a solid summary of comedy news from August 2023. I've been obsessively following comedy in the last month - I mean I'm always obsessively following comedy but I've been especially doing it in the last month because I wish I were in Edinburgh and I want to vicariously live through everyone who was - and this seems like pretty much the cliff notes of what you'd learn if you were following Britcom in the last month.

Eddie Izzard is happy and performing a collection of the best stuff of her long career and it's fucking great. Edinburgh Fringe Festival living is tough, it's too expensive for the comedians and for the audience, that's a big problem. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival is full of comedians telling their traumatic stories. John Robins is getting his shit together (honestly, I did read that article and it made me feel a bit guilty for how I recently said in a post that I like the angry bitter version of him so I'm a bit sorry that he's getting better - of course comedians can still be great after getting therapy, often they can be better after getting therapy, James Acaster's brilliant latest show is a great example of that, of course I'm happy about John Robins getting his life to a better place, I was being flippant about John Robins' problems in that other post, reading that article made me want to stop being flippant for a minute and say I really am glad he's taking better care of himself, and I am sure he can make greater comedy than ever in the wake of that). Stewart Lee is maybe autistic - yeah, I knew that, I heard him talk about that possible diagnosis in his show last year, I got a bit emotional hearing from this guy whose comedy has never been especially personal or emotionally vulnerable, but it has been cynical and pedantic in a way I relate to, so hearing he might have this major thing in common with me got to me on an emotional level, and God damn it, why did he have to ruin it by doing the "rich successful man leaves age-appropriate wife for woman half his age" thing that makes me no longer want to relate to him at all?

That's five of the six stories in this round-up. The sixth being - God damn it, Mark, what the fuck? And I know, I know, we're not supposed to care, we're not supposed to put strangers on a pedestal and then be upset when they fail to live up to our standards. I know, I know, but what the fuck, Mark? Hell of a thing to leave out, that is, of all that material you did for all those years about the ending of your marriage. Hell of a thing to leave out, to people who were listening to that material and thinking we knew what you were talking about. What the fuck? I mean... how did you even... three fucking years? Are you fucking kidding me? Just on a practical level, that is so long. No, no, it's fine, I wasn't tying my faith in humanity to the idea of Mark Watson being perfect or anything.

And, no, sorry obviously I was in fact tying my faith in humanity to that, but also, I don't think I am being ridiculous with my pedestal or demanding too much perfection, because surely "if you're going to cheat on your wife don't do it for three whole years, and if you are going to do that then don't spend years doing material about how hard the end of the marriage was without mentioning that little detail, not that you have to tell us every bit of your personal life if you don't want to, but don't talk about it in your comedy at all if you want to leave out the part where it was all your own fault" isn't too fucking much to ask? Fucking hell, Mark. Why? Why, Mark? Mark. Mark, what the fuck?

Anyway. I feel like that screenshot is Britcom in August 2023 in a nutshell. John Robins is okay, Stewart Lee and Mark Watson have news that will disappoint you, Edinburgh Fringe is trauma-filled and expensive. And Eddie Izzard is doing great. Good for her.

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 2 years

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hey, could I get your opinion on something? basically, I've indentified as arospec for several years now, and recently, I've gotten into a "partnership" with a close friend. The thing is, we do everything that someone would do in a romantic relationship and it doesn't bother me as long as we don't call it romantic. And that made me realize, the reason I identified as aro was because I can't imagine being in a healthy romantic relationship, because the romantic relationships I've seen and experienced have all been toxic in a way that have made me fear ever being involved in one. I feel like it may be unfair to call myself aro and still do all the "romantic" stuff, especially because it's not like I don't feel romantic feelings or want a relationship like that, but because I avoid anything that's romance related because of my concept of romance being an unhealthy one. I really liked being aro because it made me feel like I don't have to fix this feeling of aversion to romance, but now, realizing where it comes from, I'm thinking that maybe it's something I should want to work on to fix. I also think it's unfair to ask my partner to still look as us as friends and not romantic partners because it's confusing and difficult to explain to people when we still do stuff that's considered romantic. And yet, I can't imagine ever wanting a romantic relationship, because of all the negative connotations it carries for me. I don't know if that still means I'm aro or if I've just been appropriating the label so I don't feel like I need to be fixed.

So it sounds like you're still kind of working through things, and it's OK to be at a stage where you're working through things and don't quite have it figured out yet. Don't feel like you have to have this all figured out right away and that you have to push yourself to using labels you may not be comfortable with or comfortable with yet.

Working through your feelings on romance will help you a lot, and some things that may help with that is talking it out with someone who's a good listener and non-judgmental. Journaling can help, and sometimes going back to old journal entries can give you a lot of perspective too. If you're comfortable with therapy, that's another route, but make sure you find an aro-friendly therapist who'll let you come to your own conclusions.

Try and treat both still identifying as aro or dropping the label as neutral outcomes. This can be hard, but try and remind yourself as much as you can that neither of these outcomes are wrong so long as where you land feels right for you. The more neutral you are the less pressure you'll be putting on yourself to choose one label over the other and the more objective you can be when asking what feels right.

Sometimes you can try on labels and see how they feel. You can experiment a bit. For example if you feel ready/comfortable with it (and it's OK if you don't), you can try a romantic date that both you and your partner are treating as romantic and see how that feels, and that may be quite telling. You can try treating the relationships as romantic for a week and see how that feels (and if it feels really wrong you can end it at any time too, you don't have to go the full week).

Another thing to keep in mind though is that even if you have psychological reasons for not being comfortable with a romantic relationship, if you do find the idea of a romantic relationship too uncomfortable, you can just keep having the type of relationship you have now. That is OK to do. And you keep IDing as aro too if that's what feels right for you. So be careful about how much pressure you're putting on yourself too, and that you don't need to do anything that you feel really uncomfortable doing. And that instead you're following what feels right for you.

(Basically if you're pushing yourself and challenging yourself it should be in a healthy way. It's OK if it doesn't feel easy, but it should be challenging in an exciting way and you should feel motivated. If the idea of trying romantic things or pushing yourself towards romance is setting off your anxiety badly, affecting your mental health, etc, and your dreading the things you're trying, that means you're pushing yourself too hard too fast.)

At no point, no matter what conclusions you reach, no matter where you land, did you appropriate the aro label. Even if you decide at the end you're completely alloromantic, want a romantic relationship, etc. you still did nothing wrong. It's OK to use a label temporarily if you discover later the reason you were drawn to it was outside factors that you eventually worked through and didn't need it anymore. It's healthy to try out labels and explore your identity and explore different types of relationships. Even if in the end you end up not using them or needing them.

All the best, and good luck, Anon!

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nyrator · 5 months

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Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

#text stuffs

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rabbitindisguise · 7 months

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Went out in public public for the first time with crutches. Folks were right- the pity thing is really annoying. I don't think it would be as annoying if that wasn't already a PTSD trigger, but I was still annoyed nonetheless. Let's hope I Never need to use those guys again. I'm going to tape the hell out of my ankles to avoid it

But besides that therapy went great and my therapist was like "you need a routine and need to stop not talking to people" and I mean she's right so -_- guess what I'm doing next week. Also getting started on my disability write ups for my next doctor where I summarize my care/current treatment goals, and a write up for my next therapist on my mental health goals. Plus backing up my phone, fixing my laptop, Talking To People, etc

We mainly talked about identifying triggers and signs my symptoms were getting worse and I made the suggestion that I should check in on that every week to give myself a goal to shoot towards. Now that I don't have the SSI stuff hanging over my head I need to make plans for me for what I want to do. I think I want to be at a place where I can run (or co-run) a craft munch, or maybe publish a fic or something. Something that really challenges my social anxiety in a productive way to get me to see that Not All Things Scary. Maybe I could manage it if I turn off comments or something idk

In the meantime:

Clean my room

Work on laptop

Back up phone

Back up discord

Call insurance

Uhhhh and hmm not sure what else. Probably nudge online friends more. I've been watching a lot of anime recently and it's been helping my depressive episode along real well so I should probably put a cap on that (besides JJK) for awhile. Firm bedtime of midnight and wake time of 9-10 a.m. and medications by 2 p.m. etc

Also ugh it's going to be so sad when I leave my current therapist. I kinda want to ask for more appointments but I don't need them I'll just be bummed out. She was really helpful and got me out of an emotional pit and was supportive during all the crap things and good things, which is a more acutely therapeutic relationship than I typically have because when I was assigned to her I was a huge mess in every way. She even politely said I made a lot of progress and had a long way to go lmao she makes the truth sound so complimentary (genuinely very helpful though)

I'm glad that when I had misgivings I stuck it out and was honest and took her suggestions seriously even if it took a lot of humility to manage that

#personal #disability

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 7 months

Note

TW: mentions/implied childhood abuse/trauma, but nothing in detail, medical abuse (im not 100% sure this is the correct term hhhh sorry), past suicidal thoughts (not current but incase just seeing the mention of it might be triggering for someone)

Just looking to vent abit, and maybe some reassurance I guess? Sorry in advance if this gets long, I tend to waffle when upset.

Recently got accepted for a new type of therapy with a new therapist (after continually being sent to therapists whom forced me into a type of therapy that did not help me much at all - if anything it made my mental health and the resulting suicidal tendencies at the time worse!) The therapy/new therapist itself isn't the bad part, in fact so far our first session went really well and she seems very nice and understanding/supportive so I feel positive about our future sessions and hopefully this therapy will give me some more tools to help myself get better. The session was also kinda hard because part of the type of therapy we're trying involved making a timeline of my life (including all the trauma stuff) so that we can isolate the worst areas and do target treatment on them. Ofc I understand why it was necessary to do for the future of "getting better" as a whole but I found it really hard? I've noticed since that session I'm crying a LOT more than I was prior to having the session and idk I just wanted to talk about it with....someone. (I can't talk to my parents, they're the source of the majority of said trauma but not all of it, and I feel like lately all I ever do with friends is vent and I don't want to burden them with this too, yk?)

The appointment lasted for an hour over video call which isn't really that long but it felt like going through everything took FOREVER and when I was done the therapist had to take a solid 20 seconds to almost like...buffer and process everything. When she did finally answer me, she sounded so heartbroken when she said "...sweetie do you have ANY positive memories about your childhood?" And I feel...some type of way (not really sure what to call it yet) about the fact that in the moment I really couldn't think of one, even though I at least had one loving grandparent and defo had positive memories in between the abuse from my parents. Is that...normal?

Ty for listening in advance & I hope anyone reading this is doing okay. Remember to drink water and whatnot 🫶

-🐊

Hi 🐊,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Please know that it's common for survivors, especially survivors of child abuse, to have a hard time recalling positive childhood memories. For some survivors, these memories get overshadowed by trauma, and for others, they simply don't have positive memories. It's natural to feel a sense of grief over this, whichever way resonates with you.

I just want to say that if you feel that the pace of your therapy is going too fast or too deep, it's important to communicate this to your therapist so they can adjust their approach to something more comfortable for you. It's normal to have some heavy sessions, but if you find that it really weighs on you or disturbs you, consider letting your therapist know.

I hope that you can find peace and healing in your therapeutic relationship, and feel free to update us if you'd like. I hope I could help provide some clarity, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sui #tw medical abuse #🐊

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