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will-i-everape-my-despair · 4 years

Text

my life

okay where to begin when i was young or when i wasnt?

alright ill start from the beggining

it wasnt a great life

well not ideal anyways

when i was born i almost died, my mother was diagnosed with post natal depression in spain, yeah i was born there ....when having to move to australia because spain isnt good with that sorta support .......my dad said he would come

he lied

he cheated on my mother and decided to marry someone else, meanwhile my mother braught her one and only daughter with her, me

i loved my mother because everyone else didnt like me , or atleast because of my mental contition they thaught i wasnt worth anything , i became dependent , and knew a world where you wernt huged nor kissed often, you had to grow up fast or youll be left behind .....mum helped of course but .....idk i wasnt an easy child to take care of , i didnt understand most things like love, respect ect i.....i dint understand emotions , she had to teach me to emote and to sleep, at least thats what she said

when i first moved it was an expierience but , from then on my scheduales got stricter and my mother would get violent for no reason i thaught , i didnt uunderstand why she got so mad , i wasnt the best child but i never knew why

she hit me pulled my hair blackmailed me berated me ABUSED me

and yet

i still loved her , because when all you are taught was despair .......how can you see it as bad?,

expecialy when the world was against you

======

i moved schools , into a new area it was fun....i was scared at first ....and it was also my first taste of hope i prefferred school over home why? well....my family aint the best i was often the scapegoat for my cousins actions , which just made the family hate us more ......except my grandparents i was either sheltered , or mum just didnt have time to teach me idk but my aunties not my mother would take care of me....when i was very very sick .....mum had to work

from here it gets fuzzy

i only remember a few things , when i was sick being forced to go to school, we never celebrated halloween like ever , i didnt do my homework because i would weasel out of it , and for the longest time i felt well.....sick .....inside or outside no idea i thaught is was depression, mum asked me why i feel like that and said then i dont have it

====

we moved again

more like we got kicked out

and then

from there

mum only got

WORSE

we moved into someone named tonys house .....he was....to put it simply, a piece of shit , how mum fell in love is BEYOND me he....liked to make mum mad....and sick her on me by running out of the house from here ........i developed insomnia , my pillow was more full of tears than dreams , and tbh i had horrible nightmares , when i told mum she didnt look concerned.....well her eyes never showed it not that i knew ......i was .....always medicated but .......this was new i felt

lost broken void emotionless empty expecialy after my cousin made me his little prostitute

still i was expected to work, my hair that used to shine like gold in the sun....lost all of it and my hair started turning white , i have more grey hairs than the average teen my sparkle was long gone....and i hid myself in the world of my mind and technology, eye baggs were visible and i dint do anything heh kinda like now.....i went to tutoring....i avoided work like the plauge around this time however mum told me about her old faith....Jehovas Witness i was sure why not i at first ....it seemed so lovely and i actively participated at this point i was in high school ... the family was in conflict...and school wasnt much better then came....the dreaded ......scrunchie incident did i mention i was never left alone at home? because i was in highschool and still going to day care well i made friends in this little toddlers day care and well...i was invited to a party.....i just had a shower and lost the scrunchie i always wore and still do wear mum became enraged pulling my ears my hair making me hyperventilate ...i might of died no idea thank god abuello saved me after a while of tonys bs, and becoming completely dead inside i....we moved again i was still a JW but then......i became less trustfull of anything and anyone ....i looked at it .....and saw how condtradictory it was i saw how bad the school system really was .....the more i searched on the net the more i learnt .....and the more i learnt the more i knew...

something was WRONG

then last year in yr 10 maths......is the devil...expecaily the advanced stuff ....lets just say school wasnt safe anymore and math class made me pass out due to stress mum would hit me over homework, or throw my books in fits of rage then told me its YOUR FAULT i do this , YOUR FAULT that im breaking jehovas laws! and i actualy faught back after she nearly bashed my head in ..........i .....the iron my grandma died two years ago

english class wasnt too bad, but this one asssignment mum re wrote the whole thing ..........because “it didnt make sense “ i told her to shove it and not to be infolved in my work anymore

i hate school the***pists ......i was overwhelmed......and at the end of the year i ......broke.....BAD....i told all my fellow classmates everything i had experienced........................to come home.....get called by my mother......and get yelled at .....over the phone.....for telling the truth......not because she was scared for me.....but because of her reputation.....she yelled at me and berated me.....i was still breaking and in a flash a thaught one single thing “would anyone care if i died?” “if i died would mum be happy and free from me” “maybe i should go im a waste”

i grabbed a knife held it to my chest and couldnt do it i thaught of my family, my friends and how they might feel

only to get berating texts and yelled at by my auntie

then......yr 11 poped up and the acedemic sprang into place ....mum and i ......dont ....arent.....we arent compatible i found out after this it was online work....my ADHD ass couldnt DO that....and what was worse my alters made themselves KNOWN ha ha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA killer kit my mother with a bottle and she whined of how i could of killed her....i distrusted him after that i cried in the kitchen...laughing like a phycho ... .................. ............................ and they were very distracting towards my work....which is what CAUSED that in the first place term 2 well i found a friend group on line they are angles really they are

tbh before yr 11 i was a bit better but now i had well ALOT of appointments that i dint want that didnt help and the kids ......liked making me scared term three is now my grandpa died i finnaly cut myself off the JW i told mum how i felt , the truth like she WANTED she told me im spinning things that im abusive that shes a servant i know i dont do much.....but my boddy is broken....i dont have motivation and this place keeps me sane and alive one more year in the chambers of despair and when that year is up the frail angel that lost her wings will be given the power to soar to hope once again

#idk #look this is a depressing blog #tw abuse #tw suicide #tw death #tw despair #will i ever excape?#or am i forever destined to live in despair

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