#maybe i'm just On The Spectrum but still | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caliginouscreature · 2 years

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Are Hearttypes/Synpaths *really* taken as seriously as Kintypes?

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about my alterhumanity for a while, and a big question that comes up is “am I otherkin, or otherhearted?” The muddly struggle of sorting out “ID with vs. ID as” makes up the meat of this conundrum, and could merit several posts on its own, but another facet of the issue is quite notably one less-possibly-subjective thing: how the community seems to present and identify otherheartedness.

It’s been brought up numerous times how nonhuman experiences outside of ’kin and theriotypy are horribly underrepresented; even resources for non-spiritual individuals within those communities are woefully scarce. If you’re copinglink, a synpath, or even just don’t have memories from your ’type, you’re going to have a hell of a lot harder a time finding community, resources, and-- most tragically-- firsthand accounts of what it’s like to be any of those things.

You may have noticed, as I have, that most of what could be argued to be the “big name” bloggers on here who post informatives on otherheartedness, are also of an alterhuman identity that’s more talked about (therianthropy, fictionkin, daemon-having, etc.). There’s nothing wrong with this, and I’m quite glad it gets talked about in-depth at all, but it’s rare to find experiences from people who are primarily otherhearted. Go to the blog of anyone who’s both otherkin and otherhearted, and you can pretty much guarantee that their posts are 99% about kintypes, and that they mostly bring up their hearttype when asked specifically about otherheartedness, or they’re otherwise making an informative post about it. Maybe they’ll reblog an aesthetic post once in a while, or show you some pictures of their hearttype they have hung up in their house.

In general, despite frequent and ardent claims as to otherwise, the vibe I pick up is that being otherhearted really isn’t as intense or personal as being ’kin. It’s hard not to be a tad disheartened when I’m seeing somebody talk on about how being ’hearted is no less valid or powerful an alterhuman identity than ’kin, how it’s something that can most certainly mean wishing to be the thing and that it’s a lot more than just liking or relating to it... only for them to turn around and describe their own otherhearted experiences in detail, and speak at length at how it’d feel alien and improper for them to be the Thing, how in their life, despite degree of alleged connectedness, it kind of does wind up manifesting as a thing they like a lot, how they totally can’t see themselves being the Thing even if they have shifts of it or consider it something they have a non-’kin kinship with. The “with vs. as” confuddle makes a strong return in the issue here, but the strong emphasis on the “you are not, would not be this thing on any level”, despite sometimes including “feeling like you should be the thing” being listed as a frequent symptom of ’heartedness gets a little... I don’t know what it gets, but it doesn’t feel very nice, and it makes it feel like it’s less the right ID for me.

Outside a few scattered and small posts, you don’t see many folks talking about trying to behave more as their hearttype, or look more like it. Lots of talk about feeling a strong connection to and fondness for them, but much less in terms or desire to do things like acquire gear, find others of similar types... less talk of longing and existential dysphoria, especially if the poster is already otherkin (notice how if you go into the otherhearted tag, how many of the posts are tagged also with a specific kintype. I know experiences can overlap, but do notice this). On one claw, it makes sense. After all, if your hearttype is a dragon, why try and present as a dragon or mope over not being one if you already know that you’re truly a wolf? But that’s exactly the thing I’m pointing at here. It’s not taken as seriously or personally as part of one’s nonhuman identity. I can’t read minds and hearts, so I can’t say how closely one may or may not hold their hearttypes to who they are and how they are, but that’s how it comes across to me.

I get very much pensive over how my personal experiences and feelings seem to stagger haphazardly somewhere between what defines “otherkin” and “otherhearted”, and wonder if either of those is even the accurate term for me at all. Sometimes I wonder if there are entities out there who are truly otherhearted or other sorts of alterhuman, but call themselves ’kin because the general firsthand accounts of what ’heartedness is like to experience don’t sound personal or deep enough to match how they feel their own nonhumanity. I really wonder.

#alterhuman #otherkind #otherhearted #fictionhearted #otherkith #synpath #otherkin community #for the sake of brevity I'm considering hearttypes and synpaths to be the same thing here #but um. can't help but wonder if the greater history community and praise of 'kin is why you get so many folks kinda-misusing it #this applying to p much any nonhuman IDs of all spectrums of being psychological or possibly-voluntary or not #this not made easier by how I'm autistic and thus the line regarding special interests being a part of deep identity or not gets MORE blurry #blah blah blah ''what even IS feeling like you're still a human?'' stuff too deep for me to have a straight answer to probably ever #maybe I just need to go to more places outside of tumblr but hopefully you get the idea

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lesbeid0u · 1 month

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#Methinks I may be cupioromantic #I was talking to my friend after we got back from aniboston and somehow the topic of conversation changed to our orientations #And I was explaing to them how I don't think I've ever actually like. Loved someone romantically/been capable of loving someone romanticall #But I still wanna be in a relationship and they were like #'King I think u may be on the ace spectrum'#And then I fell victim to the 4am Thoughts and started doing some reflecting/research and damn #Wouldn't You Fucking Know It #Hoenstly tho it feels so fucking freeing knowing that there's a name for how I feel #Bc I thought I was like. Broken or some shit for the longest time bc no matter how much I tried #I could never manage to force myself into having feelings for someone irl #And idk maybe I'm not actually ace/on the ace spectrum and I'm just falling victim to the 'you haven't found the right person' mentality #But like I genuinely do not/could not see myself falling in love with someone yet I do still want to feel loved romantically #Anyway #These are 4am thoughts at 5pm so I'm not gonna dwell on them too much #If you've made it this far in the tags and have any words of advice about this shit lmk #Thanks for reading. And now it's time for the breaking news #My mom has beef with one of the stray cats in out backyard bc she thinks he's a bad influence on his children #Also one of his kids looks Just Like Grim Twistedwonderland and I'm getting making that his Halloween costume this year hehe

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kenobihater · 8 months

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goddamnit. am i actually having a sexuality epiphany because i'm recognizing myself in a fictional cringefail vampire man. you gotta be kidding me

#in my defense being both on the ace spectrum AND hypersexual is a bit of a confusing thing to experience #maybe i'll feel different abt it later but for rn i think that explains a LOT #for real this explains why i don't care about sex 90% of the time but when i do it's like going 0 to 100 in .2 seconds #oh my god. oh my fucking god i used to think gray asexuality was silly bc 'everyone feels that way' oh my GOD i'm a fucking idiot #head in hands bro. cannot believe i was that fucking stupid as a teenager. i was THAT CLOSE to getting it 😮‍💨#i should talk to my therapist abt this... i haven't talked to anyone abt my hypersexuality ever bc its such a stigmatized symptom but damn #i'm not gonna blame my bipolar for this or anything but damn did it make this possible answer SO much more obscured in my mind #like... damn. i feel so flabbergasted by this #i keep saying damn in the tags. dude this revelation has rendered me without the proper words to convey my emotions.........#i'm gonna be fine but rn i feel all kinds of off kilter from this realization. and i'm still doubting it even so! but it would make SO much #sense!!!!!! ugh i haven't questioned any aspect of my sexuality in earnest in years i genuinely forgot how much it sucks #like yeah there's relief maybe? but also just confusion and annoyance abt my past blindness #god. this is a huge tag ramble i think i'm gonna stop talking now #len speaks

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legionofpotatoes · 9 months

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wait is there a story behind the shaming of someone recording a stranger in public?

nothing too exciting nonnie, no

#couple of idiots were filming someone (possibly on the spectrum) just going about their business. giggling and saying not very nice things #a bit too loudly. i very gently suggested that they could maybe go fuck themselves #paraphrasing though. our language is much more colorful <3 i have a couple stories of losing my temper in public lmao #and gotten in trouble for it too. not this time though they just sulked away. this was probably before it got so ubiquitous #2018-2019 maybe. but still very very very annoying. I'm a bit ashamed to say they may have been teenagers #so not super proud of myself. 😬 my fuse is a bit less short nowadays I'd like to think #anon #asks

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hyperfixation-tangentopia · 10 months

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So, I just??? Randomly just the motivation for this??? So enjoy more Tealstar stuff ig lol. Tried to do a lot here, not sure how well it worked for me. You can tell I got a little rundown at Tongbi's part, but I was still really determined to finish this, so. Here ya go.

Chikao loved the storm.

The smell of fresh rain and the swirl of dark clouds overhead lit up by flashes of lightning that split the sky in two and sent deep, booming thunder rippling over the land was something she could never get tired of. Every lightning strike lit up her eyes, she could feel the vibration of thunder running deep within her bones, and the entire world was pulled just a little to the side by the chilling winds that whipped past.

She was fond of the world after a storm, too. The way the smell of rain lingered for a week afterwards, clouds drifted past so you could see sheets of rain coming down in the distance as they left, the sudden abundance of greens and the pinks and blues and yellows of plants as they sprouted up, the splashing of puddles gathered in random dips in the ground and squishing of deep brown mud as water sunk into the soil. She loved that. Loved everything about it.

And the best part was that she could do it. On a whim, whenever she wanted, she could summon the clouds and lightning and feel the very storm surging through her bones. She could feel the world come alive in a way so, so different than it did in the shine of the sun.

But, unfortunately, not everyone was so welcoming.

And why weren’t they? What was even the point of limiting her ability to create storms? Why did she have to “register” a storm or whatever to create one? It wasn’t like she was creating out-of-control tornados or setting forests on fire with lightning. Most of the time, it was just a little rain to give the village crops a boost!

But the Celestial Realm hadn’t seen it that way. The first time Nezha had come down to meet her, he had called it “undermining the Jade Emperor’s authority” and “breaking the laws of the Celestial Realm” and “a matter to be taken seriously”. But honestly? How could she take someone that had come down to lecture her about why she couldn’t summon rain without paperwork seriously.

And that was all it had been, for a while. Something funny, eventually just a friend coming down to spar. Barely an annoyance. Not even a concern.

And then Princess Iron Fan had joined him. And they’d struggled over the winds of the storm, trying to turn them on each other to gain an advantage. And then…

Flash

And then people had gotten hurt.

And the Celestial Realm was angry.

Stealing the Peaches of Immortality from their orchard? That was probably just the cherry on top.

But even when they’d come to arrest Chikao for her “crimes” (come on, they were peaches), they’d made a mistake to dare go after Tongbi.

Chikao sighed quietly as she stared up at the endless night sky, the stars twinkling back at her like tiny diamonds against a sheet of inky paint. It felt so close when the storm was swirling around it, the wind catching every little loose thing on the ground and throwing around every small hair out of place, but when the night was clear like this and she was laying on the ground beside Tongbi…it felt so, so far away. She itched for it to be close again, to touch the clouds and feel their water in her hands.

She wondered if, in a world where Nezha had time, where Nezha could step away from his celestial duties and just relax for a moment, they could fly around through the clouds and throw water at each other.

She didn’t live in that world. She didn’t know.

“Chikao?” Tongbi’s soft voice pulled Chikao out of her thoughts.

“Yeah?” Chikao rolled onto her side to look at Tongbi, flattening the grass beneath her.

Tongbi’s eyes stayed on the sky as he spoke and his hands picked through the fur on his tail. His voice was muffled by his dark green scarf as he buried his face into the fabric. “You won’t let them t-t-take you from me, will you?”

A small spark of anger flashed in her chest. She’d said they’d be together forever, and she’d meant it. No Celestial Realm would change that. “Of course not. And I won’t let anyone hurt you, either.”

Tongbi didn’t respond and Chikao rolled back onto her back with a soft sigh. She didn’t want Tongbi to worry. He shouldn’t have had to worry. She dealt with Nezha and Iron Fan on her own fine, didn’t she? And then even when more celestials had shown up, she’d dealt with it. But Tongbi was still worried, and Chikao knew well by then that the only thing that was going to soothe his concern was time.

Time, or get rid of the Celestial Realm’s meddling completely, but she knew that wasn’t going to happen.

At least, that’s what she thought, as the days went by and Tongbi slowly felt safe being outside of his library again. As toddlers and children became teens and adults. As people aged and grayed and passed.

Until the Brotherhood reached out with a dream. A dream of glory and ambition. A dream of change and prosperity. A dream of safety and comfort. A dream of freedom. A dream of storms.

A dream of a day storms could freely brew in the days, and the skies would be theirs at night.

A dream where the Celestial Realm wouldn’t meddle, Nezha could freely come and go, and Tongbi’s concerns would vanish.

And Chikao took it.

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Tongbi hated surprises.

The unexpected whirlwind of emotions he wasn’t ready for, having to think on his feet and his mind going blank, only moments to make a decision and if it was the wrong one he was doomed. The mounting pressure of what felt like a mountain behind his head and the crushing weight of do or die that he just couldn’t pull himself out of.

And the aftermath was worse. Because then there were a hundred different feelings all weighing him down like boulders, telling him there was some way to alleviate their weight but not giving him a single how-to. Sometimes the boulders were hot and sometimes electric and sometimes just heavy, and those meant different things, but he didn’t know what they meant. But apparently, knowing what they meant and how to sort them out was the very key to getting them under control sometimes, because otherwise every time he thought about the surprise he would trigger another rockslide.

Physically, Tongbi didn’t mind rocks, boulders, or even mountains. Feet on the ground, dig his heels in, take a deep breath and move. He could move boulders, sort out rockslides, split entire mountainsides in two that way. The boulders he could touch the rough or smooth surfaces of were lighter than the ones that crushed his heart and held him down in the corner with tears spilling onto blurry pages, but never had a texture.

Fortunately, people were welcoming.

It had been a strange change after the curious chirps of the monkeys that found him hiding away in caves on Flower Fruit Mountain, but a warm one. Chikao helped lift the boulders off his chest, explain some of the feelings and help him separate them apart so he could think without folding into a mess of matted fur and heavy emotions.

The warm nights of staring up at the stars and pointing out constellations as Chikao worked through his fur were the best nights he’d ever known. Spending days reading books about the sun aloud and telling Chikao about asteroids that flew by brought him a warmth he could never quite explain. Even the flower pin he had, with teal and red petals, served as a small comfort when he was alone, to remind him that someone cared.

Though he had been nervous at first, the village was nice too. Adults were happy to trust him to read about the phenomenon of eclipses to children and watch meteor showers with them, and the kids were always fascinated by his words and eager to ask questions and learn more. Even on days where he didn’t have books, several of them were ready to ask questions and listen to him ramble.

And even as they grew and had more chores and work to tend to, nobody minded when he sat on a bench and read the afternoon away.

Tongbi hummed a tune as his eyes scanned across neat words, written with meticulous precision. Dust kicked up into the air as the click clack of horseshoes went by, but Tongbi was fully absorbed, the rest of the world blurred as he imagined how it would feel to step on the moon. Would he feel lighter? Would it feel like stone on earth, or dust, or powder, or something else entirely? Would the stars look different? What kind of new star charts could he make from there?

“I’m bored!” The high-pitched whine of a kid caught his ear. He almost called out to invite them to read, but…no, they probably didn’t want to hear him. All of the kids he used to read to were teenagers or adults now, and had too much responsibility to bother listening to him anymore, and the new ones probably didn’t have any interest in him.

“Hey, this guy’ll read to you about some pretty cool stuff, if you wanna.” Tongbi glanced up from his book to see a teenager with long black hair running down past her shoulders and freckles mixing with the dust and dirt on her face. He felt a small flower of warmth bloom in his chest. He knew this kid. Did she still remember him?

“Ooo, like what?” One of the children asked as their arms swung back and forth.

“Well, you know the little white things that are up in the sky every night?” She smiled.

“Uh-huuuuh.” The kid nodded.

“Well, he taught me that those are called stars, and they’re actually very, very distant suns.” She said as she walked over to the bench Tongbi was sitting on.

“Woah!” Three kids followed her, their eyes shining brighter than the sun.

“But suns don’t look like that.” Another kid frowned.

“That’s the fun part.” She sat down in front of Tongbi and skimmed the title of his current book. “He’ll explain the whole thing.”

The kids promptly sat down in front of him, staring up with eager curiosity that filled Tongbi with warmth. He started explaining, slowly at first, then faster when they only seemed more intrigued. More children, kids playing in the village and teenagers he used to read to just finished with chores, came around him and sat down, enjoying his reading and explanations.

He hoped this never changed. And, luckily for him, it didn’t seem that was going to happen.

At least, that’s what he thought, as Tongbi’s reading slowly expanded to the entire village. As toddlers and children became teens and adults. As people aged and grayed and passed.

Until the Brotherhood reached out with a risk. A risk of danger and hostility. A risk of battle and bloodshed. A risk of pain and uncertainty. A risk of imprisonment. A risk of change.

A risk of ferocious and bloody battles by day, and wounded and torn foundations by night.

A risk of the Celestial Realm coming down with all their fury, Nezha would be injured, and Chikao being imprisoned.

And Tongbi denied it.

Tongbi denied the dream. Chikao took the risk.

#tealstars #I'm actually #not that upset about this??#I really like the first few paragraphs of Chikao's stuff #and I got a bit run down on Tongbi's part but it's still like #good? maybe a little less?#it's on the likeable spectrum I guess lol #I tried to do a lot here so I hope it worked #if nothing else I think this helps get their personalities down a little bit more #also I'm dramatic as hell when I write I'm aware there's a reason I relate to Macaque so hard XD #I kinda tried to parallel their bits a bit?? I hope that worked #I think I managed to some extent highlight the difference between them I really wanted to highlight #and still squeeze in some other stuff that's harder to get through in just drawings and rambles #anyway actually pretty happy with this one so :333 #please tell me if you notice anything mainly bc I will be super happy if I got stuff across properly :3 #I need to just make a post collecting all the tealstar stuff together at this point XD #y'know what maybe I'll do that #imma go do that now maybe perhaps #anyway enjoy!! I'll stop rambling now lol

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the-fading-stars · 10 months

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Aro who? Totally back in love

#fall out boy #lifeupdate #ok but this is my first crush in 7 years maybe 8 #i'm bad at keeping track of time #still identity as aro cause it's a spectrum and i wouldn't want a classic romantic relationship with the person i have a crush on #i'm thinking seeing her like every two to four weeks ocasionally hugging maybe some headpats cooking together sleeping next to each other #actually i want us to be friends but just put a different label on it so it feels more normal to talk about how great she is extensively #is that what a qpr is?#no idea #anyways kate if you're reading this would you mind if i called you my girlfriend? wouldn't change a thing except for the label tho #also this is tagged as fall out boy because it's a pete wentz reference

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miniminijiminni · 2 years

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just had the realization that im not the type of person ppl fall in love with and i-

#I've been doing Reflecting #i thought maybe I'm on the aro spectrum #but i was definitely in love with my ex #and in love with ppl before #and had crushes #so maybe still in the spec but definitely not a no romantic relationship ever side #and I'm thinking that this may just be a coping mechanism #bc i genuinely think ppl cannot fall in love with me!#and so i protect myself by shoving any romantic ideas/feelings down #and logic my way out of them #tw depressive #kinda?#i also need to touch grass tho #see human beings #me: minding my business #and is that?!#LUO BINGHE KINNIE MOMENT COMING IN WITH A FOLDING CHAIR!!!!#roll the tape!!!#I hate myself for being useless. I hate myself for not being able to get anybody to stay. Never… has anyone been willing to choose me

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 years

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still have my 8 month long lingering chest injury that just came out of nowhere with no cause where it just flares up and I have a lot of pain near my collar bones and chest and shoulders for a few days, HOWEVER I have recently discovered that sometimes I can get temporary relief by sticking a wet q-tip up my nose to make myself sneeze, which on like the 3rd or 4th sneeze will occasionally audibly pop a little bone in the center of my ribs or something and then it doesn’t feel as bad. Hopefully there will be a better more comprehensive solution someday but also there would be a humor to that just being part of my regular routine forever now... like, oh hold on I have to go do my daily self induced sneeze sessions for my mysterious bone pain

#I've had an upper endoscopy. ekg. stress test and heart ultrasound thing. bee to a physical therapist. etc. etc. And still... the constant #recurring chest pains #The only think I can think of that they haven't done is like.. look look at the actual like.. situation in there #I think maybe I just need to ask for an x-ray or something?? like to look at my chest bones and muscles and stuff #maybe I hve some weird condition where once every few weeks one of my rib bones pops out of place a little and it just need #s to be put back or something hjbhj idk how skeletons work #I've heard of people saying like 'oh my knee popped out of place i just have to adjust it' or whatever so.. maybe that can happen #with other bones too???#I am EDS adjacent (like if it were a spectrum I would be halfway there I have similar and related issues in a way that is #not so severe that like my organs are tearing or I'm consantly having problems but enough to cause frequent joint pain #and other issues and I'm super felixible and etc.) so idk even if I'm not As Bad As Super Severe Official Cases maybe I still #could have some sort of weird bone join muscle whatever thing going on #IDK #pain and suffering and so on and so forth #I just think the sneeze solution is funny #I used to legit come home from school in elementary school and sit and watch cartoons while I made myself sneeze because I thought it was #funny and I liked that eventually it makes you really snotty and your eyes are teared up so then I could also make it seem like I was #just crying and act out dramatic scenarios with my imaginary friends alone in my room pretending I was in some very serious movie where #I had just been sobbing or somehting ghghbj #Now it has come back to be a useful part of my life again somehow

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this-is-a-url · 1 year

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Currently cursing out every ao3 hs author ever because now my eyeliner is messed up

#/j obviously #tho my eyeliner is messed up I'm far from upset #anyways I'm gonna talk about my day now #A friend I really look up to style-wise said that we were the opposite ends of the goth spectrum and I almost bawled my eyes out right #then and there bc of how happy that comment made me #if it's any context they were in a band shirt + jeans and I was in my usual shit of a black skirt‚ (monster high) crop top and fishnets #also obviously heels bc I can't walk for shit in sneakers #I showed a maybe? friend pictures of the plz army today too he seemed to like them and that was so!!!!!#Also when Sunburst says that Starswirl's a villain I became so not normal #hissing and clawing at the bars of my cage #VALIDATION #I always forget that sometimes kid's shows can properly treat morally grey character and am always INCREDIBLY delighted to remember #Also I haven't drawn on my tablet in ages and it kinda makes me sad to not post art on here #Like I still have been drawing a lot but like I am incapable of taking good photos without shadows so I am just :(#may reblog some art I actually have posted

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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years

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truly thinking of like Just Being Yourself as a supposed matter of being More spontaneous and not being caught up in your own head about it or whatever, but then the nd perspective (and really potentially anyone who’s Being Themself isn’t sufficiently of the “normal”) wherein it’s like, the more everyday / usual approach is of course to filter oneself / mask, but you don’t even know that until you learn of it and then like, think through it re: yourself, and then doing Less of that and figuring out what you do when you’re not masking Is like, added effort and a conscious process. and how things can involve not just tamping down xyz but adding in various behaviors for others’ sake, or just that like, things you haven’t Yet tamped down at all b/c you think they’re things you’re doing Right or Have To Do / i.e. would be covered under masking anyways if you didn’t do them “enough” already, but then it’s like, maybe this is generally a waste of my energy at best if not also effectively punished lmao and even if i’d “naturally” do it, again it can be matter of consciously Choosing not to, not b/c it’s not being yourself, but just b/c of using that awareness to like, i’m not going to do that in the majority of situations but i know it’s because of other people’s nonsense. that’s me and like, [talking] lately lol

and certainly it’s like. oh haven’t found yourself in time for college, better go to a house party or something elevated and conveniently more interesting to look at than a scene in a high school hallway, y.a. protagonist, and follow your increasing rate of impulsive decisions to the core of Your Truth like a geiger counter lmao, quick....i mean not like anyone has to have their life figured out by eighteen b/c that’s just not how it works anyways, or like you either have your secret realest self under lock and key to just be let out eventually here or like yeah better find it on one especial occasion, and that occasion should be about cutting loose & shit, like oh well if you just max out the volume on everything you’re feeling by elevating it all enough you’ll overhear your realest self and everyone who matters will be like oh hell yeah, in recognition of the authenticity of that drama lol....like oh believe me my Real Self has spontaneity and vivacity and passion and elevation, of the kind nt people will like, only ascribe and relate to a context of romance or some shit, like that’s a wednesday maybe b/c of having fun with xyz, couldn’t be me but i guess have fun with when like, people just like don’t have the humor or theatricality (or ability to have exchanges with other people that aren’t competitions / an issued challenge or threat) where it’s like oh someone could only be being fun or playful or energetic if they’re a bit fucked up actually, i.e. drunk surely. like well no that can just be personality & choices, including being what you think is a bit fucked up b/c being nd is surely incorrect & certainly abnormal, which is incorrect, so same difference....but anyways it can be its own choice all the time to actually share all those supposedly properly Elevated [being oneself] properties around anyone else, and even then of course it’s like, results vary with who likes it vs thinks it’s clearly doing too much / nobody doing that could Really be being themself, bring out that normaller you who must exist, or it can maybe be entertaining so long as you just do it on your own and nobody has to figure out how to have an interaction about it b/c [the concept of how to interact w/other ppl on their terms???]

honorary addendum for truly how “performative” might generally be used in some negative context but it’s like, we are all performing every day lol, congrats to the people who again think oh i’m Just being Normal, you just learned that particular performance and don’t have to be conscious about what you might be doing wrong or how to act differently b/c it wasn’t relevant for you to Have to....its being like more genuine than anything to of course be consciously performing in some way / to some degree while other people in turn consciously recognize this, vs when people think they’re being Genuine / Acting Natural but it’s just a particular performance they learned that they can’t even switch out of b/c they don’t know it’s a performance and/or can’t/won’t acknowledge there’s other modes of expression/communication that are no less real, performance has its purposes and it’s not all like well people are just trying to Trick you into thinking that’s how they really are / the only way they can be; how can anyone Really act like that, any affectation should be dropped, can’t believe everyone isn’t Just Being Normal as hard as i am, b/c i get to encounter all these other people who Get Me and/or i sure don’t encounter obstacles / pushback over what seems to be nothing / my just behaving naturally and neutrally, so i must be the expert on the rightest way to be, f for everyone who’s clearly like being too weird or rude or thoughtless and etc

#the difference too between like. using whatever Emotional / Elevated Impulse as handy momentum to do what you already know you'd want to #vs. to just be like well this is for doing what i'd just never even choose / intend to do otherwise....dunno about that one lol #not that anyone has to submit like either Peak Elevation / Passion or else Peak Stoicism / Sobriety as the Truest Way Guiding Light either #but engaging in whatever various modes / approaches across the spectrum of experiences and routes can sure be Conscious either way....#when it comes to taking some approach and/or to just keeping tabs on how it's going along the way / afterwards...#Just Being Yourself as this very like cerebral(tm) conscious deliberate process when as soon as you first ever tried that it's been rejected #so eventually after getting a lot of information and turning it over for eons you probably have to push Against emotional reflexes to like #be more yourself / be more unfiltered/not attuned to what other people might want or tbh accept without more rejection / punishment #and of course just that like. probably your Realer Self just isn't something everyone should get to interact with #b/c it goes right back to the original problem of like that social rejection / punishment having started immediately and not stopped #so that it's difficult to go ''oh maybe i'm nd'' rather than just having it internalized that smthing's wrong w/you / you just suck or smthg #like well it's still gonna continue even as you're in the process of being more conscious of everything going on there / not blaming oneself #like i love to talk actually and i will continue to v rarely talk b/c that's really just a For My Own Sake choice lol

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