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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

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lantilay-blog · 5 years

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Title:Is it over yet?

(*Warning*dealing with drugs and mental health)

Look I didn’t want to be here, I don’t wanna wind up on the news. “Caucasion boy found half dead on an alleyway.”I swear if you're reading this and your thinking about it, I swear dude I will beat your ass myself. Be an idiot and die or don’t be an idiot like yours truly, and go to school gosh darnit

Being someone like me sucks, and why would you want to be me?

My name is Dravite Russo and I live in Memphis Tennessee (TE) Probably on the ranking for most dangerous cities. The part of Memphis I live in, Beale street isn’t particularly the worst of the entire city but you know...I moved here a couple years ago when I was about 9-years old and I left a lot of family and friends behind that I cared for deeply. I knew I couldn't be sad about leaving some and forgetting some so... I had to change my attitude quickly and forget about it like it was nothing.

New town means new school! I went to Peabody Elementary School and the first week of school was actually pretty laid back. Teachers acted chill too and it meant a non-stressful year for me. I was a top A student and people at my old school wouldn't talk to me because of it. They thought I was too smart for them, basically snobby I guess.Your probably thinking I was lonely, but actually no. I was so occupied with school and the work that comes with it, that I almosted didn't have time for mutual talking or hanging and even taking a minute out my day to breathe. Feelings and expression and even talking to classmates didn't happen.

I was basically a walking school and ate all the teachers. Looking back now I think I wanted to know everything in order to be enough, but see the problem is that nobody knows everything. What was even the point? There’s a lot of parents who see that their child got an 80 and still aren't happy. My parents never missed a chance to say “good job” or even rewarding me with something. Apparently it wasn't enough, I guess I don't want attention, I just wanted to get the work done and graded and move to the next one.

I couldn’t even tell you what made me so insecure about how people viewed me. It's really confusing because I didn't care what people said or how they looked me up and down in the hallways. Future me sees a big insecure kid wanting attention and recognition but also not wanting it at all.Or to even cause the slightest bit of trouble. I felt like a nobody without my knowledge and school in general.

When I went home I’d study till I passed out and for homework I knew the answers were right but I made sure I looked it up in textbooks and looked it up online just in case. Then I’d do an additional practice and then get on with my night at this point… I could have been a prodigy but the sound of skipping grades to be put in higher classes just because I was smart wasn't really gonna work out for me.

I wanted to be able to work hard for those grades and also feel like I did work my ass off. Even if I understood something I wanted to understand it more and more.

When middle school came along, everything changed. I started staying up later because I had a lot more homework and tests to study for. I started to even join some after school activities like newspaper and yearbook club. I started worrying about my grades even though they were good, I still felt nervous somehow. I was starting to get overwhelmed, or impatient that my grades haven’t been updated.

I was in my 8th grade year and still haven't made a single friend. Getting up each day felt worse than the next and not getting enough sleep was because of it. I almost felt like I was falling behind even though my grades again were good. I really felt forced to be productive even though I was the main source causing me to and feel.

I've started to feel stressed and very scared for the future. I kept thinking what would have been the point if none of my time and effort got me a good job or got me in a good college first of all. I thought I wasn't even gonna be good enough after all this. I might have just been in the 8th grade but time was already moving without me so I had to catch up. I’m already lost and pretending not to be.

Then comes highschool. Highschool is… a very interesting place, for many and just overall something. Highschool is one of the most important times for you. It's time to really pay attention and actually do your homework and study till you pass out once again. It might not be college but it's almost like a preparation for you to get ready.

High School was really hard for me believe it or not. Your over productive kid that never chills out says

“ he has a hard time.’’ I know how it sounds but hear me out please…

August 7th 2015, 4 years ago, I was a 16 year old junior going to Central High school. I was in my AP Physics C class and I’m called down to the office. When I get down to the office, one of the principles directs me towards the back to her room. She told me to sit down and before she speaks, she takes a deep breath and w hen she closed her mouth to finish and opens it again to say “I’m sorry,” I think I zoned out for a minute and almost vomit.

I remember not being able to speak, but all I heard her say was, “dead, family.” mom, sister and my dad, had been in a car accident and ended up dying in the hospital nearby. I never thought this… or something like this would happen to me. I remember thinking I worked so hard just to be disappointed. I was thinking now there gonna send me to an orphanage and forget this ever happened.

One of the teachers had to take me to see seem them. I appreciate the one teacher, Misses. Roxxnne for taking time out of her job to take me to see my family. She was actually one of those teachers that didn't treat you just like a student. When we got to the hospital I remember feeling some anxiety and having to force myself through the slide doors. They told us which room each of them were in and we visited them one by one.

Each bruise, cut and wound was hard to look at. Maybe it would of been a lot different if they were actually alive but there not. There... dead and didn't take me with them or why couldn't it just be me with my selfish longing for attention. I tried to hold myself together for Misses.Roxann but once I seen my little sister I just broke down. I never felt this hurt, betrayed, and lost before, makes me wonder how am I supposed to even feel sometimes...Now that I have no family I’m an orphan now. Will wait for years just to be disappointed again. I don’t want a new family, I want my family. I've already seen reality and I know I won't ever get them back and surely if I want a new family it won't be anytime soon.

Nobodys gonna even want a 16 year old. They'll want the younger kids. They have more years with the younger ones so it makes sense. Where Would I go anyway. .It’s not like I can go anywhere so I guess home sweet home...

Let me reintroduce myself. I’m Dravite Russo, I’m 20 years old and have a drug addiction.

Later in school when my addiction started I never paid attention, “class what does not paying attention result to” failing your tests or just in generel not having a fucking clue what’s happening! Come on it’s not that difficult, it especially shouldn't be difficult when teachers offered candy for whoever had that right answer…

I ended up dropping out my junior year when this all happened. I didn't have a lot of family around where I lived so I was forced to live at a good for nothing orphanage. A lot of people think that will have a better life there, but you don’t. You either got a chance to miss your family or missing the fact you never had one. when we do find the one it's certainly not going to be any time soon, like I said.

Throughout highschool and growing up and going through it and all that shit you know. I was really lost and felt lonely and when I found drugs… It really did change my life in a negative and positive way, believe it or not

LDS, Lysergic acid dieth ...something like that but for short acid. What it effects are thoughts, feelings and awareness of surroundings. You hear and see crap that’s not there apparently. See having a high person such as myself try and explain what they're high on isn’t the wisest choice. I mean I know what I’m taking but also don’t really care.

You're probably wondering why I didn't want to wound up on the news dead... Earlier today I decided to walk to the gas station near my aparment and before going I took 4 sheets of LSD. If you want to get to the gas station there's an alley you walk through or drive through. I was about to be right by the store and I immediately fall to the ground. Tears and the acid coming out of my mouth and nose, coughing and choking on my own doing. I couldnt breath, my heart was jumping out of my chest. I really thought I was gonna freaking die and I wasn't damn near ready to die yet.

I’m in the hospital now and a couple of investigators and police people dudes informed me that I won't be charged but will have to go to rehab obviously… When I got to my room I really pondered for a moment about everything. I didn't wanna come out of rehab and do the same shit again so i'll make it my goal. I have to pledge to become free of drugs. To be free from toxic things.

Police report: 8/10/19, Caucasion boy was investigated and was found addicted to LDS and was found in an alleyway found half dead. He was later sent to a hospital and treated and was free from any charges. He was sent to rehab after a week from being in the hospital.8/16/19, 0800 (8:00 am) Dravite Russo was found dead faced down in his bathtub and was assumed to have taken sleeping pills on the side of the tub and a few on the floor. He was prosomed to die at 0300 (3:00 am) hours. in the morning.

Please give me some opinions and critical comments I’d really appreciate it!

#creativewriters #creative wrting #creative #writing #mental health #life #realism #art #short story

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infinityknight25 · 7 years

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Tyron Owens Origin Story part 1

"Welcome back to the Freestyle Motocross world championships here in Sydney, Austraila . I'm your host Shane Stephens." Said the tv commentator. It was a beautiful day in the outdoor arena. The Sun was shining, barely a breeze and the temperature was in the mid 80's. Shane Stephens was a white male in his late twenties. He had Brown spiked hair was wearing a Fmx Championship League shirt. "We are getting ready to watch the top two qualifiers in the world take to this huge course that features dirt to dirt jumps, metal ramps to dirt landings, step ups, a wall ride and a quarter pipe. Joining me now is Brian Deegan, one of the OG's of FMX and the general of the Metal Mulisha." "Brian, the Mulisha has two guys in this comp today. First one is Rob Adelburg who is currently in first. The other is Tyron Owens, who qualified second. Not to mention that Owens has already won Bmx dirt, vert and is qualified first for park and street tomorrow." Said Shane Stephen's. "Man Owens has been tearing it up all season. I mean he's gone undefeated all season in all disciplines of bmx and fmx." "With that being said lets go up top and get a look at Owens as he gets ready to hit the track. Owens was on his bright multi colored Yamaha dirt bike. Wearing a black and white rider outfit that looked like it a bright paint splatters of bule, purple, yellow, and green. "Owens has some huge tricks up his sleeve. Which he's gonna need to best top qualifier Tom Pagés." said Stephens. "Yeah Tyron has been practicing some huge tricks. I know he's wanting to pull out a 360 double backflip today. He's been pulling in the foam pit and he seems solid." Owens was given the all clear from a track director. Whitechapel's Mark of the Blade came on over the sound system. Owens began down the drop in ramp. He hit the first metal kicker at full speed. "That's a huge kiss of death backflip. And Deegan unlike anyother rider out here. Tyron doesn't use the flip bars to help keep him on the bike." Said Stephens. "Dude has crazy strong forearms for bein a lean build guy. No matter what he does he has his own style." "Much like his music choices. Some comps he's riding to punk rock. Others it's metal. Then sometimes it's rap." Replied Stephens. Owens hit another metal kicker ramp and did a huge, well executed moto whip. The crowd applauded. He went hard toward the next dirt ramp and boosted a huge frontflip nac-nac. "He's the only one pulling that trick right now. Deegan, Owens is running super hard right now!" Stephens Said. "Yeah man. He knows he has to go hard to beat his buddies Addleburg and Pagés. He's only done one non flip trick. He has to do three non flip trick airs for this run to count which should be no problem for him. He loves doing non flip tricks." Owens hit the quater pipe and did a one handed Indian air to rocksolid to no hander. "Oh man that was huge. He needs to hurry and try to get in a couple more tricks if he's wanting to take first but so far a very solid run." Said Stephens Owens went up one of the metal kickers and threw himself and his dirt bike into a 360 double backflip. "Oh my gosh he doin it!" Exclaimed Stephens. Mid rotation of the first flip and having spun 180 degrees, Tyron lost his footing on the bike's foot pegs. Him and the bike began to plummet to the earth. "I'm not ready to die."Owens thought to himself milliseconds before hitting the orange Brown Australian dirt. The bike landed on top of him. Tyron Owens was dead instantly. On Earth the EMT's rushed to Owens' lifeless body. Meanwhile Tyron's soul was elsewhere. It was dark and disturbingly silent. A deep English accent spoke calmly to him. "So your not ready to die. How would you like to go back and bring justice to those who have done wrong." Owens couldnt see who was talking. "Please hurry Mr. Owens I do not have all day." The English voice said. "Will I be able to ride?" Owens asked. "Ofcourse. Your justice would be done in ummmm lets say your down time." Replied the voice. Back on Earth the EMT's had removed the bike off of Tyron's body. They had taken off his his helmet that matched his riding gear. Exposing his dark skin and his afroed Mohawk. Small streams of blood was coming from his eyes, ears and nose. "Check his pulse is he still alive?" One emt asked another. Several riders had made their way down on the track. Deegan had even come down from the announcer booth. "Nothing. He must of died on impact. Suddenly Tyron gasped for air and opened his eyes. "Are you okay? Do you know what year it is?" asked an emt. "Man get back. I'm fine just let me up." Tyron pulled himself to his feet. The crowd cheered. "I can't believe what we just witnessed people. Science has proven that ones mutant abilities arise when one is near death. So is Tyron Owens a mutant?" Said Stephens. "Owens if your wanting to ride for your last run we need to check you out real quick. Can you please come to the ambulance?" asked an emt. "Yeah sure. Hey Brian can you check out my bike?" Tyron asked. "Sure thing bro. Oh and hey welcome back." "Thanks.... I'll be right up." A few moments later the EMT's had finished Tyron's checkup. "Everything looks completely normal. And you feel normal?" Said the head Emt. "Yeah man. I feel like I just woke up. Can I go ride now? It's almost my turn." The head Emt nodded. "Ladies and gentleman we are about to witness history. Moments ago Tyron Owens had a terrible crash and DIED! But he's back and going to take another shot at winning this comp. Lucky for him that it's a best run that wins instead of a compiled score from his two runs. Tom Pagés sits in first place with a 97.89. So Owens basically has to be perfect." This time The Rejected by Tear Out The Heart was playing. Owens hit the track hard at full speed. He aimed for the big dirt to dirt jump and pulled the 360 double backflip successfully. The crowd exploded. "Ahhh man! That is the sickest thing I've ever seen!" Exclaimed Stephens. Owens aimed for the wall ride. He hit it full speed riding up it and doing a flair off of the wall. Again the crowd errupted. "Two tricks in and Owens is killing it!.... Sorry for the bad choice of word Tyron." Owens next ramp in his sight was the step up. He launched a huge frontflip nac-nac. "That is three flip tricks in a row he needs to start throwing non flip tricks." Owens hit one of the metal kickers and did an extremely extended dead body. He then turned toward the quarter pipe. Going full throttle he launched a huge kiss of death to a bikeflip combination. "I can't believe what I'm seeing! If he keeps this up he will have the win easy and his still has enough time for two more jumps. Owens hit another metal kicker and launched a well done moto whip. Owens some for the step up on last time and blasted a huge fast spun 720 to close out his run. The crowd was in a frenzy. "The judge's score are already in with a 99.47 with one rider left Owens might have this one pretty well locked up. We have seen some crazy things here today." After Tom Pagés run Owens score was still the highest. A female co broadcaster of Shane Stephens' came up to Tyron while he was on the podium. "Tyron this is the without a doubt the craziest thing in Fmx history. Dying in your first run to come back and win the whole thing. That's the biggest come back ever." Owens gave a light chuckle. "No doubt Barbra. It's definitely been a crazy day. It's been so out of the norm I think I'm ready for a nap." Owens chuckled again. Barbra was a short brunette female with a fair complextion and good cheek bones. She was wearing a shift rider short sleeve shirt and a pair of board shorts. A little different for a journalist. Even for a sports caster but Tyron liked that about her. After turning down several invites to dinner from all of his friends. Tyron had finally made it back to the hotel. He closed his beige door while facing it and sighed. "What a day." Owens said to himself. "And it's not quite over." It was the English voice again. Tyron could hear it a little bit better this time. It sounded kind of gravely but had a gentlemanly tone to it as well. He turned to see a man in a black suit sitting in the chair by the window with the blinds shut. Causing a slight shadow in the room but it wasn't really dark. The man had a strong face with steely colored eyes and salt and pepper hair. "You..." "Yes me. I held up my end of the deal and now its time for yours." "Hey pal." The man cut him "I don't think you understand. You made an agreement. One you can't get out of. Now it's time you pay up." The man said walking toward Owens. "Hey man back.." The man placed his hand on Tyron's forehead. Owens skin melted away. Giving way to his skull. Now on fire. His dark black eyes now blazing orange balls of fire. His moto gear still intact. "Now like I've said. We have some business to attend to. My new Ghost Rider." The man said with in his English accent.

#marvel #marvel fanfiction #comics #ghost rider #mark of the blade #whitechapel #fmxlife #fmxriders #fmx #bmxlife #bmx bike #bmx #tear out the heart #toth #rejected #satan #metal mulisha #metal music

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