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commander-krios · 11 months

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I can now reveal my Shenko Summer fic for @dandenbo. <3 I'm so happy you enjoyed it! Special shoutout to my beta, @comeoniwantacoolname for always helping me out!

Title: Reflections and Regrets Rating: Teen Pairing: MShepard/Kaidan Alenko Summary:

Five times Kaidan nearly confessed his feelings to Shepard and the one time he did.

Additional Tags: Slow Burn, 5+1, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury

~~~~

-1-

Smoke.

Kaidan could still smell the smoke on his clothing, mixed with salt water and conductive fluid. He'd intended to change after a long hot shower, but the debrief had taken the rest of his energy, and he hadn’t moved since. Sitting in the silent comm room, he hunched over, hands hanging between his knees, eyes staring at nothing in particular.

The edges of his vision blurred and he closed his eyes, images of the battlefield as clear as the Virmire skies had been barely a few hours ago. The shake in Ashley’s voice as her pleas echoed in his ears: ‘get Alenko, Skipper. That bomb needs to go off.’

Shepard’s insistence that he could get both of them to safety, that it was important that they all survived this, that he wasn’t going to leave a man behind.

Shepard’s turmoil as realization set in, and the impossible choice he made at the very last moment…

Ashley .

She’d paid the ultimate price so the rest of them could escape, so that the bomb could take out the cloning facility. So that Saren’s krogan army was reduced to nothing but ash and bones, a smoking pile of ruins and dust amid the salty seas.

Sure, Kaidan was grateful to be alive, but not like this, not at the expense of someone else. Especially not Ashley Williams.

A sigh escaped, loud in the silent room. Kaidan stretched his legs out in front of him, willing the stiff muscles to relax. The haunted look in Shepard’s eyes before the debrief was burned into his memory.

Maybe Shepard regretted his decision. Kaidan certainly did.

The smallest groan left his lips as he stood, his calves still protesting the movement. There was too much to do before they docked at the Citadel. He needed to clean his armor, and himself. He had a report to write about the situation on Virmire. He had a marine detachment to talk to, Mako repairs to oversee, and somewhere in there, he should probably eat, but as he turned towards the exit, he paused.

The sight of Shepard standing in the open doorway was unexpected. The lights of the CIC illuminated him from behind, leaving his face in shadow, his body outlined in white. He was a silent spectre, eyes shrouded in darkness, a ghost haunting his own ship.

A chill ran down Kaidan’s spine, his mind once again wondering if this is what other people saw whenever they came across the Butcher of Torfan.

“I was just leaving.” Kaidan managed, running a hand through his curls, wincing when his fingers caught on the strands.

“I-” Shepard hesitated, stepping into the dim room, eyes downcast. The glow from the overhead lights only put more shadows along his face, creases that weren’t there yesterday now visible along his brow. “No, you’re fine. I- need to check in with the Council. Let them know the mission is done.”

They’d almost failed… Would the Council even care that they’d lost a human to Saren’s madness? Was one life worth the information they’d gained? One life for total destruction of Wrex’s hope for the krogan. One life for an entire squad of STG soldiers. One life that meant nothing to the people who lived in the relative safety of the Citadel.

What was one life to them?

“I’ll give you some privacy.”

Kaidan tried his best to stamp down the grief in his heart. He knew Shepard had to be feeling it even worse. It was his call in the end. Shepard would be the one to deal with the consequences, good or bad. Kaidan followed the orders he’d been given.

He knew that the haunted look in Shepard’s blue eyes was reflected in his as well.

Kaidan found himself standing in front of his Commander a few heartbeats later, his hand on Shepard’s shoulder, squeezing gently in what he hoped translated as comfort, as support.

The other man glanced at him, eyes wide in uncertainty.

“Commander-”

His grip tightened slightly, Shepard’s jaw tensing as he tried to pick his words with care.

Kaidan resisted the urge to pull Shepard into an embrace, to comfort away the pain, the fear, the regret that so clearly tortured him. He wanted to smooth the lines in his forehead, to wipe away the tears, to take the weight of a galaxy off of his shoulders. There weren't many things he could do in this situation, except be there to help when he inevitably took the fall. He wanted to catch Shepard when the galaxy tried to break him.

But he couldn’t .

Shepard was his commander, yes, but he was also his friend. And his feelings had nothing to do with the man himself. He wouldn’t further complicate what was between them.

“I know you don’t hear this often, but you did the right thing on Virmire, even if it doesn’t feel like it. That cloning facility needed to be destroyed.”

Shepard’s strained smile was full of the sadness he’d never put words to. “Do you really believe that? After everything we’ve lost?”

Kaidan did, even if he regretted what happened, because the galaxy was worth preserving. There were people that needed protecting and they at least had a fighting chance to stop Saren now. But none of that mattered when Shepard met his gaze, the pain in his eyes stabbing Kaidan in the gut.

“I’ll be in the mess when you’re done, Shepard. I’m sure there’s something stronger than coffee lying around.”

Even if no amount of alcohol could fix their problems, they could at least send Ashley off properly.

“You’re a good friend, Alenko. I’m glad you’re here.”

Neither of them said the obvious: Kaidan was there because someone else wasn’t .

Someone who probably deserved it more.

-2-

The hum of the drive core was comforting, the ripples of its mass effect fields washing over him and the blue glow a safety he craved in his most vulnerable moment. With a sigh, Kaidan relaxed against the farthest wall from the core, sliding to the floor, settling comfortably in the corner so anyone coming and going wouldn’t trip over him. Stretching his legs out in front of him, he closed his eyes. The dark energy tickled at the edge of his senses and his own biotics responded in kind, an intimate dance between them.

The silence in engineering was welcome, especially after the insanity on the Citadel. The Council had immediately dismissed Shepard’s claims about Reapers, placing the entirety of the blame on Saren and the Geth. Then the Alliance decided the best use of Shepard and his crew was to put them on lockdown. Captain Anderson, of all people, helped them steal the Normandy from the docking bay…

And now, they were on their way to Ilos to face Saren head on before he could get the conduit, whatever that was.

Kaidan wished it was all over with because he felt like he could sleep for the next few years. Or centuries.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there when boots scuffed against the floor.

He managed to open his eyes slightly as Shepard sat beside him, their shoulders brushing, a kind smile on his face when he glanced over at Kaidan. “Hiding?”

“Is it that obvious?” He responded, a laugh escaping despite the pounding in his head, and he forced his eyes closed again. The migraines usually gave a little more warning than this so he’d been a bit surprised at the intensity of it. With a pained groan, he leaned his head back against the bulkhead, pressing a finger into his temple. “I’ll be alright in a little bit. The silence down here helps.”

Kaidan didn’t have to see Shepard’s face to feel him tense. “Kaidan-”

Patting Shepard’s hand affectionately, he tried to ignore the way his heart jumped at the sound of his given name on Shepard’s tongue. “I’ll be fine, Shepard. I promise.”

The commander muttered something under his breath, something that probably wasn’t very nice, but he couldn’t make out the words. Silence descended between them: companionable, comforting, and altogether more satisfying than it’d been before.

The humming of the drive core was still a pleasant white noise in the background and the cold metal of the wall behind him soothed his sweaty skin, keeping the nausea at bay. He opened his eyes a crack, unable to stop from staring at the man next to him.

Shepard was bathed in blue-white light, shadows dancing playfully across his face. He appeared strong, severe and yet, Kaidan felt nothing but peace and safety in his presence. His azure eyes nearly glowed in the dark, his skin an ocean of blues and whites, dotted with the tiniest smattering of freckles and scars.

He’d admired Shepard from afar for the last six months: watching him defend those that couldn’t defend themselves, feeling pride at how Shepard attempted diplomacy and understanding before resorting to violence, being witness to how every loss etched itself into his commander’s very soul.

It wasn’t long before Shepard caught him watching. With a quirk of his lips, he leaned his own head back to meet Kaidan’s eyes. “See something you like, LT?”

He was tempted to respond with an affirmative, to admit that he dreamed of Shepard at night alone in his bunk, that he wanted to press kisses along that strong jaw, or to brush his hands down Shepard’s back as he pulled him closer…

Clearing his throat, Kaidan glanced at the room’s light source, closing his eyes as the brightness made his migraine pulse angrily. Moaning, he leaned forward, his head dropping into his hands.

Shepard’s hand gripped him by the shoulder, keeping him from falling forward. When he spoke, his voice was a whisper. “ Hey . What can I do?”

Kaidan’s hands shook as he pulled them from his face. He kept his eyes closed, trying to make sense of what was happening around him over the throbbing in his skull. “The lights. Too much.”

“Why aren’t you in the medbay?”

“Liara. Ilos Prep. Didn’t want to interrupt.”

Shepard grunted before he shifted away, taking his warmth as he stood. Then he leaned down to put Kaidan’s arm around his shoulders, pulling him to his feet. It took a few seconds for Kaidan’s brain to catch up with the movement. He wobbled momentarily until Shepard steadied him… his free arm wrapping around Kaidan’s waist and securing him tightly against his own body.

“What’re you-”

“Shh.” Shepard moved forward, keeping Kaidan’s weight supported with each step. “I’m getting you out of here and somewhere better to sleep this off. I need you on Ilos.”

Kaidan wished Shepard needed him in other ways, and he would probably scold himself for such thoughts later, but it didn’t make the desire any less real.

“Where-” The question wouldn’t come out so he stopped speaking, his brain feeling like it was going to melt out of his ears.

“My cabin. It’s cold, dark, and far away from everyone.” Shepard lifted a finger when Kaidan made to argue as best as he could. “Do this as a favor to me.”

If Kaidan was feeling like himself at all, he would’ve protested, telling Shepard that he knew better than to believe that taking the Captain’s quarters wasn’t a breach of whatever fragile friendship they had left, and he wasn’t ready for what that meant. Not when the galaxy was falling down around them.

But his brain wouldn’t respond, no amount of prodding did anything except make his migraine worse, so he allowed Shepard to herd him in silence, ignoring the raised eyebrows and confused looks the crew sent them when they passed.

Shepard’s cabin was cool, the air circulator keeping it at a low yet comfortable temperature. The lights were already dimmed and Kaidan’s eyes (and head) were thankful for the reprieve. He collapsed on the soft blankets, burying his face in the scent of Alliance-issued soap. It wasn’t anything special, but it smelled like Shepard.

Shepard pulled Kaidan’s boots off and dumped them to the side for later, not bothering to line them up like a good soldier would. Then he helped to get Kaidan in a comfortable position, head on a pillow, blankets piled on top of him in a cocoon. Once he was situated satisfactorily, Shepard sat beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Did you need anything else?”

Kaidan swore that Shepard’s touch brushed against his forehead, twirling a curl around his finger before it disappeared altogether.

“‘M good, thanks.”

Kaidan was nearly asleep when Shepard moved, leaving him on the bed alone. His eyes shut as he spied Shepard in the chair across the room, a sentinel watching over him while he slept.

-3-

Mayday! Mayday, this is the SSV Normandy!

The words echoed in his ears as Kaidan pushed his way through the chaos, dodging terrified crewmen and dangling cables, sparks exploding in dangerous arcs. The ship shuddered beneath his feet, nearly knocking him to the ground. He grabbed on to the closest object, the mess hall table, and thanked his lucky stars that the thing was bolted to the floor. Or what remained of it.

A quick glance confirmed what he already knew: the ship was barely holding together. Fires had broken out across the deck, the emergency fire system soaked the floors, adding even more danger to the crew's haste to escape. Gripping his helmet tightly, Kaidan forced it over his head, coughing against the thick black smoke as he waited for the seals to engage.

A hiss sounded as oxygen filled his helmet and he took a deep breath, attempting to orient himself in the chaos.

Taking a step away from the table, he noted a partially burned body to the right. The familiar buzzcut of Talitha Draven made his heart jump into his throat, grief burning in his chest as he continued on, needing to find Shepard. He tried to convince himself it was to get orders, but he was truly worried. Comms were spotty and he hadn’t heard from Shepard since the attack began.

Another few bodies caught his attention as he made his way to where the distress beacon waited to be launched, each new face making his heart heavier. He knew each and every one of these people and now… now they were gone and for what? Hunting geth that weren’t a threat anymore? Doing the Council’s dirty work while there were other things to prepare for?

Like the Reapers?

And the end of galactic civilization?

The Council was blind and sometimes, as much as he hated himself for it, he wondered if Shepard had made the right choice in saving them. Only time would truly tell if they would help end the Reaper threat or only made everyone else’s choices more difficult.

The familiar sight of John’s N7 armor filled his vision, stopping the dark turn of his thoughts immediately.

“Shepard.”

“Get everyone to the escape pods!” Shepard ordered, hitting the distress beacon with as much force as he could muster. The console sparked briefly but thankfully, didn’t break.

“Joker won’t leave the cockpit.” He shouted, hoping that Shepard heard over the blaring klaxons. He couldn’t see John’s expression with the helmet on but his blue eyes would haunt him. “I’m not leaving either.”

I’m not leaving you .

Shepard shook his head, almost as if he could hear Kaidan’s thoughts. “Kaidan-”

Gripping Shepard’s helmet, Kaidan pressed the front of his visor against it, an intimate gesture that neither were expecting. Kaidan’s heart pounded hard against his ribs, Shepard’s sudden proximity a desire he’d craved for months, but not like this.

Never like this.

Shepard closed what little distance was between them, hand on Kaidan’s neck, securing him solidly against him. The alarms screamed, fires burned only feet away, but the solid feel of John in his arms almost broke him. He’d wanted this for too long, but now, they didn’t have time.

“Don’t make me go.”

Shepard sucked in a sharp breath and for a second, Kaidan could’ve sworn he shook. “You have to, Kaidan.” He pushed him away, not roughly but enough to put distance between them. “I’ll get Joker. The others are counting on you. Please .”

Kaidan closed his eyes, filling his lungs slowly with oxygen, trying to force his feet to move, to fulfill his orders. When he finally looked at Shepard once more, he knew he didn’t have a choice. He had a job to do and god dammit he would do it.

I love you.

It was on his tongue and nearly slipped out, but his feelings were inconsequential as their ship burned around them, the dead staring at them with empty eyes. Talitha couldn’t be saved, but there were others that could.

Swallowing the fear that this would be the last time he saw John Shepard, Kaidan nodded. “Aye aye.”

When he turned his back on the man who had become his world in a few short months, running for the escape pods, there was a dark whisper at the back of his mind that told him it was a mistake. One he would regret for the rest of his life.

-4-

His fingers hovered over the datapad, the words not coming the way he’d intended.

It’d been a shock to see Shepard alive on Horizon, even with Anderson’s warning: There are rumors that Shepard is alive, Commander. Be ready for anything.

But the warnings, the hearsay, the hints about Shepard’s survival over Alchera had prepared him little for what he saw that day: the familiar ocean blue of John’s eyes, the all encompassing relief on the man’s face when Kaidan approached unharmed, the gentle brush of his hand against Kaidan’s shoulder before they embraced. His heart had soared with happiness to see the man he’d followed to hell and back standing in front of him, flesh and blood and very much alive .

But the moment passed quickly, only to be replaced by more questions than answers.

How was he alive? Was it true that he was with Cerberus now? What had really happened over Alchera? And why was he here now ?

What was Cerberus’ interest in the colony abductions?

Were they involved? Was Shepard involved?

It didn’t matter what the answers were, not when they could be lies. How was he supposed to believe anything a dead man said?

While his head spun with questions, Kaidan’s gaze had taken in the changes in the man he’d once pledged his service to. Shepard’s skin was cracked in places and crimson cybernetics held his flesh together, red lines glowing bright like a beacon over his cheeks and jaw. But there was a darkness in his gaze that Kaidan had seen only a few times before and it scared him.

John Shepard wasn’t the same person who’d died over Alchera.

Now that he could look back on the interaction with fresh eyes, Kaidan admitted he was unnecessarily harsh in his reaction after. There was little he regretted in life, and the things he did regret he could count on one hand. His anger at Shepard on Horizon was one of them. If his former commander really didn’t have a choice from the beginning, then he should apologize.

The blinking cursor mocked him. Twenty minutes since opening the messaging app and he had yet to write a single word.

With a sigh, he ran a hand down his face. There was nothing he could say to make up for the years Shepard had lost and more than just John’s life had been destroyed over Alchera. His career, his scars, his friendships… The work he’d done as a Spectre swept under the rug by the Council and Alliance both, many now believing Shepard to be a raving lunatic.

And this situation with Cerberus…

Another sigh slipped out.

Kaidan wished he could pour his heart out, to let Shepard know how deep the pain of losing him had been. To the crew, to him . The last images burned into his brain played on repeat in front of his mind’s eye: the Normandy’s destruction, and Shepard’s lifeless body drifting over the planet in the cold vacuum of space. No one had been willing to retrieve the man that had saved them from the Geth and Saren, of the hero who had haunted visions of things passed and things yet to come. On that day, Kaidan Alenko’s heart tore in two.

His fingers typed the message before he realized what he’d done.

The words stared back at him, his subconscious willing to destroy everything he’d built over the last two years, all for a man who was supposed to be dead.

John,

These past two years have been more than difficult for me. Seeing you on Horizon brought back old feelings I thought I’d put to rest, but it seems that forgetting you is impossible. I can’t join Cerberus, I won’t, and it has nothing to do with you. Because if I’m being honest, I was tempted to throw it all away to be with you on the Normandy again.

But the Normandy is gone.

I’m not the same person anymore. I sense you aren’t, as well.

The love I have for you isn’t enough for me to give up on everything I believe.

Kaidan swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. Even if he wasn’t sending a personal message that both the Alliance and Cerberus officials wouldn’t be reading, he couldn’t admit his feelings in that way. They both deserved better than that, even if they’d never get it.

Each day a life with John Shepard seemed further out of reach.

Especially with Shepard in enemy hands.

He read the message once more before hitting ‘delete.’

-5-

The shuttle landed at the pad a few feet away, dust blowing up into Kaidan’s face as he waited. Lifting his hand to shield himself from the worst of the air, he watched as the door slid open, revealing Admiral David Anderson. He wore his dress blues, medals shining in the bright sunlight. Grey was starting to show in his close cropped dark hair, but he still flaunted that dazzling smile that made him appear years younger.

“Major.” Anderson greeted, reaching out to shake his offered hand. “It’s good to see you. Here to escort us to the inquest?”

“Yes, sir.” He replied, eyes involuntarily straying to where Shepard was stepping from the shuttle. He looked better than Kaidan had seen him in years. This Shepard wasn’t the ghost he’d met on Horizon anymore, half-mended flesh barely held together with cybernetics. His scars had healed, concealing the eerie glow of the implants underneath it, and he’d even put some muscle back on his once thin, almost frail frame.. If Kaidan ignored their purpose for being here in Vancouver, he could almost pretend they were back on the SR-1.

“Major, huh?” Shepard smiled, raising an eyebrow expectantly, almost as if he was waiting for Kaidan to detail the mission that got him the promotion. Like he hoped Kaidan would treat it like old times.

But it wasn’t.

“It’s recent.” He said instead, nodding as Anderson excused himself briefly. Kaidan’s hands were clenched at his sides as he tried to reign in the sudden longing in his heart. He missed those smiles more than he wanted to admit. “I, uh, would rather not talk about it right now.”

“That’s fair. It’s not like I’ve done anything recently to give you reason to trust me.” If Shepard’s words brought him any hurt at all, his voice didn’t betray it. When Kaidan glanced at him again, Shepard was watching Lieutenant James Vega as he stood at parade rest beside Anderson, trying his best not to fall asleep at the conversation the Admiral was having with the lawyers assigned to him.

Kaidan stared at him in silence, memorizing the new scars above his brow, the freckles that dusted his nose, the smooth skin on his cheeks and jaw. John’s hair had grown considerably since Horizon, nearly brushing his shoulders, dusty brown locks that looked as soft as satin.

Kaidan resisted the urge to reach and brush his fingers through it.

This man had done awful things, was on trial for many of those crimes, but stood resolute, fearless. He always had. It was one of the things that Kaidan always admired about him. Shepard was the Butcher of Torfan, but he was also human… he made mistakes like everyone else. What made him different, even special , was that he wasn’t afraid of owning up to them.

Is that what this was? A misunderstanding? A mistake?

Somehow, Kaidan didn’t think so.

“Did you do it?” He asked, voice quiet and yet, Shepard heard him as clearly as if they were standing in an empty room.

Shepard’s jaw tensed and he glanced away briefly, blue eyes fixed on something far away that Kaidan couldn’t see. Lieutenant Vega had noticed the movement and looked at them with curiosity. It felt like forever before John shook his head, unfocused gaze landing back on Kaidan.

His fears must’ve shown on his expression because John’s eyes darkened. “Don’t look at me like that, Kaidan. Not you, of all people.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard.” And he was sorry. This wasn’t at all how he wanted to see his former friend again. Not after Horizon. The circumstances never seemed to favor them. “But you have to know what it looks like.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “The Butcher of Torfan getting more revenge against batarians?” He laughed, but there was no amusement in it. “Yeah, I get how it looks.”

“Not to mention, you were flying Cerberus colors.”

Shepard flinched, the reminder an obvious low blow. “I was under Hackett’s orders.”

“Not officially and that’s all they care about.” Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “What happened out there, Shepard?”

“You’ve seen the report, what do you think?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” Kaidan replied, opening his eyes to see the flash of pain on Shepard’s face before he hid it behind his usual stoic mask.

“It does to me.”

The words were so quiet that Kaidan almost missed them.

“If you’re right about the Reapers, then you didn’t have a choice.” Kaidan said after a moment of silence, hating how strained his voice sounded at the admission. It’s not that he didn’t believe Shepard. He did and that was part of the problem. Because he knew exactly what happened when someone has no other option in a fight that was bigger than themselves.

“It doesn’t make it easier to bear though.”

The regret was nearly palpable in John’s words.

“No, it doesn’t.”

Silence fell between them again, heavier with a truth only a few people knew. Even if they thwarted the Reapers, even if they stopped the whole harvesting of organic civilizations, the loss would still be catastrophic. Winning wouldn’t feel like a victory at all.

“Kaidan, before I leave, there’s something I need to tell you. Just in case…” Shepard trailed off, but the meaning was obvious.

Just in case we don’t see each other again.

Kaidan’s heart broke at the look in his friend’s eyes. They’d once been close, telling each other things that they couldn’t tell anyone else, being there at each other’s six, knowing the other’s tells and expressions, but this gulf between them had only grown since Alchera, since Horizon. Kaidan didn’t want it to grow anymore. Not when the things he felt were still so real. “Shepard-”

“Commander.” Vega appeared at John’s shoulder, a hulking mass of muscle that would’ve been easy to spot any other day, but now surprised them with his sudden presence. “We have to meet with the Admirals now.”

John closed his eyes with annoyance, taking a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke. As always, there was never time. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Sir, Admiral Anderson-”

Shepard stiffened, but before he could snap out a reply, Kaidan cleared his throat, grabbing the attention of both men beside him. With a small smile, he tried his best not to look put out by the inquest, by the politics, and he was sure he failed by the slant of John’s eyes.

“You should probably go, Shepard.”

He caught the hurt that John tried to hide behind his tense smile. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll see you around, Kaidan.”

As Shepard turned his back on him, Kaidan couldn’t help feeling the deja vu in the worst way.

-6-

“Is that what they did to you?”

Blue eyes flashed coldly and for a moment, Kaidan had a terrible thought that maybe Shepard was a threat much like the mangled creature lying on the ground a few feet away. Was Shepard another husk waiting to be unleashed by the Illusive Man? Could Kaidan trust him? And could he trust himself to do what was necessary if Shepard was a threat?

“How could you compare me to him ?” Shepard snapped, the bite of his voice familiar and foreign all at once. Like so much in their lives now.

He glanced away and realized too late, he probably shouldn’t have. If Shepard was a Cerberus weapon, he needed to watch his back. Unfortunately, the man who usually did that was the one he needed protection from . “Shepard, I don’t know what you are… or who. Not since Cerberus.”

A slight headache appeared as his brain forced the memory away, refusing to acknowledge the fear and doubt he’d held. Because it was his distrust of Shepard that had put them both in danger.

“Is the person I followed to hell and back- the person I…” He managed to stop before he let the word slip: love. He was in love with John Shepard, but this was not the time for a confession. “Are you still in there somewhere?”

“They didn’t change me, Kaidan. But words won’t convince you, will they?”

No, words hadn’t convinced him. But Shepard’s actions, on the other hand, had spoken volumes. They always had, back when they were a lot younger and a lot less jaded about the future, when they were merely friends who hadn’t yet grieved for thousands of soldiers who’d died with a single choice.

But they were both different now. Changed in drastic ways as the Reaper war dragged on. Because that was how war went, wasn’t it? It tore at every shred of your heart and your sanity until you’re left with nothing but the memories of people you once loved. Memories of who yourself had been at one time or another.

It took longer than he expected to open his eyes. Brain damage, skull fracture, some other things that seemed horrifying and probably should’ve killed him. Instead, he was lying in a hospital bed on the Citadel, receiving the best care that was possible in the middle of a galactic war, all because his closest ally was a Spectre.

The overhead lights normally would’ve blinded him upon opening his eyes, but he was surprised to find them shut off, nothing by the artificial daylight of the Presidium streaming in through large open windows. Kaidan blinked a few times to clear the blurriness from his vision. A few minutes passed with nothing but the sound of his heart in his ears as his headache began to slowly subside. A C-Sec shuttle flew past the window, descending to the closest shuttle pad. Different species of birds flew through the air before settling on the branches of a small tree. A well dressed couple was walking the Presidium hand in hand, admiring the flowers that had been recently tended.

The Citadel was almost serene in its unrushed pace. He felt like an interloper in the peace, a soldier that lived and breathed war. He shouldn’t be here, he should be on the front lines. Or, if the morose part of his mind was right, even dead by this point. But he wasn’t . And he knew why.

John Shepard.

Shepard always put himself in harm’s way to make sure his people came home, and when they didn’t, he took it personally, even if it wasn’t his fault. Because most of the time, it wasn’t.

Kaidan glanced to his right where he knew he’d find the man in question, sitting bedside on a clearly uncomfortable chair, hunched over the hospital bed with his head resting on folded arms. He was sleeping, breathing deeply with the quietest of noises leaving his mouth. With his gaze mapping Shepard’s face, Kaidan noted the dark circles under his eyes, the weariness that seemed to haunt his pale skin even when sleeping. Some of his skin was showing wear, the cybernetics glowing crimson between small cracks in his cheeks.

Whatever had happened since the incident on Mars was wearing on Shepard’s health and Kaidan felt a pang of regret. Some of it was his fault, the words he’d spoken to Shepard on Mars were harsh and for that, Kaidan should apologize. If he couldn’t rely on the people he loved and trusted, he couldn’t rely on anyone.

Before he could stop himself, Kaidan reached out, running his fingers through those thick brunette locks like he’d been craving for years. Soft to the touch, it slid through his fingers with little resistance, landing on the white sheets with nary a sound. He twirled a stray lock of hair around his index finger, smiling when Shepard stirred at the touch.

Opening his eyes, Shepard blinked as if he was unsure of where he was. Once he got his bearings, he lifted his head and glanced around, stretching to ward off the embarrassment at being caught in such a vulnerable position.

“Hey, Shepard.” Kaidan said, unable to keep from smirking, noting the flushed cheeks and nervous movement of Shepard’s hand over his face.

“Kaidan. It’s, uh, good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” His eyes dropped to where the blanket had slid down, exposing Kaidan’s chest.

He might’ve felt embarrassed if he didn’t enjoy the look in Shepard’s blue gaze, eyes roaming the expanse of skin and curly chest hair appreciatively. “Better. You didn’t have to wait here for me to wake up. I would’ve sent you a message.”

“Are you sure that’s true?” He glanced up, a worried frown pulling at his mouth. “You weren’t happy with me on Mars.”

Kaidan looked away this time, his hands seeming more interesting than the man beside him. “I was… wrong about you. I’m sorry.”

“Kaidan-”

“I need to get this out, John. Please .” When Shepard fell silent, Kaidan took a deep breath, closing his eyes and releasing it through his nose. It was comforting to feel Shepard next to him, to know that he’d watched over him whenever he was on the Citadel, for however long Kaidan had been sedated. “We were both wrong about a lot over the years, but… this is all on me. I didn’t trust you when I should have.”

“I haven’t made myself very trustworthy.”

Kaidan snapped his eyes open, a glare directed at the man he couldn’t deny any longer. With everything he’d been through: the Alliance using his dark past to their advantage, the Council using him as a tool to further their power, the prothean beacon’s visions nearly tearing him apart, the threat of the Reapers and Geth… and then to top it all off, his death and Cerberus resurrection. The months of being forced to work with his enemies while his allies said terrible things about him, Kaidan included. Bahak and finally being proven right about the Reapers while everything the galaxy had built was being destroyed.

Kaidan didn’t know how Shepard was holding himself together.

“That’s ridiculous.”

The smallest grin appeared on Shepard’s face. “Hey-”

Kaidan wanted to reach out and shake some sense into Shepard, but he was partially to blame for that. He made Shepard doubt himself and he never wanted to see that again.

“I’ve known you for a long time, Shepard, and you’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you after Horizon. Or Bahak. Or the millions of other times I should’ve been.” He paused, tongue going numb as he pushed his final thought into words. “You’ve always been strong for everyone else. Let me be strong for you.”

His smile widened. “From a hospital bed?”

Kaidan nudged Shepard's shoulder with his hand. “Ok, jackass, very funny.”

Shepard caught his hand before he could pull away, gently holding it against his chest, eyes sparkling with laughter. Kaidan missed seeing him so lighthearted, so at peace. If he could bring a little hope in the face of so much darkness, he’d accept that responsibility wholeheartedly. Entwining their fingers together, Kaidan gave a little squeeze.

“I’m here, John. I wasn’t before and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. But-” He held up his free hand when it looked like Shepard would interrupt. He relaxed, watching Kaidan with wonder. “I’m not going anywhere. If you’ll have me, of course.”

Shepard was quiet, holding Kaidan’s hand as if letting go would be the end of the galaxy. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Kaidan smirked, leaning closer and brushing his free hand through John’s hair before hooking a finger beneath his chin. Tilting his face so their eyes met, Kaidan let his hand drop to the bed. “What do you want? You’ve given everything for the Alliance, for this war. What is the one thing that Commander John Shepard wants?”

There was no hesitation in his next words. “ You .”

John moved faster than Kaidan expected, pulling him closer so their lips met sooner, their desire crashing like waves, relentless. Years and even death hadn’t quelled his feelings for the man in front of him, and it seemed the same could be said of Shepard.

“I love you.” Kaidan whispered against his mouth, enjoying the feel of John pressed against him. The muscles in his neck twinged slightly, but he ignored it in favor of kissing Shepard again, letting every feeling of love and hope and adoration he felt echo in his touches.

There was still a war to fight, and Kaidan likely had to wait to be officially discharged, but for now, they had each other and he wasn’t going to let what they had go without a fight. He’d wasted enough time.

John broke the kiss, gasping slightly for air, and Kaidan laughed, the sound breathless and happy for the first time in so long. He sent Kaidan a bemused look, but chuckled quietly. “You’re impossible.”

“I’ll have you know…” Kaidan trailed off, his head so full of the reality that he’d just kissed Shepard that this fight didn’t seem to matter as much as it might’ve once upon a time. With his fingers tangled in Shepard’s hair, he brushed his lips against his jaw. “Actually, that’s fair. Considering how long it took to get here -”

“I love you.” Shepard interrupted, trailing a finger along his cheek, cupping Kaidan’s face in his hand a moment later. “I have for a long time, Kaidan. If I’d known-”

Kaidan leaned forward, their foreheads touching in the silence that followed. Regret. It was something both of them had, about so many things, but he wasn’t going to regret this . Because even if one of them had confessed at any time in their past, it wouldn’t have been right.

This was the moment they’d waited for.

“As much as I want to say it would, I can’t pretend that it would’ve made a difference. Changing anything about our past could’ve changed the future and not for the good. I love you, John Shepard, and I’m going to fight for us. No matter what happens.”

John nodded, but said nothing. There was nothing that could be said. They might not have everything, but they had each other.

It was enough.

#shenko summer #mass effect #mass effect gift exchange #shenko #mshenko #kaidan alenko #john shepard #shepard x kaidan #mshep x kaidan #my writing

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clericofshadows · 5 months

Text

outside looking in

Description: Ashley finally has a chance to talk to and meet Zaeed in person onboard the Normandy and wants to get the know the man that has stolen both Regis's and Kaidan's hearts.

Pairing: Regis Shepard/Zaeed Massani/Kaidan Alenko

Notes: Part of my overall Regis Shepard series. Wren is my Shadow Broker, an N7 Fury and my replacement for Liara.

It was nice being back on the Normandy, even if she’d changed a lot since her first iteration. Larger, brighter, and filled with crew new and old. A similar hum throughout the ship.

But it was different all the same. The first few hours on the ship, Ashley nearly barged straight into Wren’s quarters despite knowing in the back of her mind that those weren’t Regis’s anymore, now housed at the top part of the ship, accessible via a specific keycode. Or a brave trek through the engineering tubes and vents throughout the ship.

The moment she came onboard, he handed her the credentials with a wink before heading off to the center of the CIC, already barking orders and preparing the ship for the initial checks to leave the Citadel.

Without Kaidan. A fucking terrible business. She had no idea how Regis was handling it, dodging her attempts to ask him about it by talking about Kaidan's condition. Wren was quiet about the mission when she asked, which was never a good sign.

She took an interest in the mech, which didn't surprise her. Probably why she was so tight lipped about it. Regis likely didn't want that thing working ever again.

There was also Zaeed, also joining her on the Normandy, hand in hand with Regis before he slipped down to Engineering… How was he taking this as well? She didn’t know him well, only talking to him a few times over vid calls during the two years before Regis was brought back. And then there was little time at all to get to know each other during the prep work after Regis brought the SR-2 back to the Alliance, right after he and Kaidan destroyed the Alpha Relay.

Wren was absolutely terrifying for what she was able to leverage to get them off scott free and twist it up into a Cerberus venture, a plan nearly foiled by Regis and Kaidan until it was too late. Only a small group knew what Kaidan chose to do in Regis's place, what Hackett had originally ordered for them to do.

Ashley remembered Hannah Shepard warning her in a meeting with her not long before she decided to take up the N trials.

“There will be a time that you will face something like Torfan. I hope it’s something far better than what my son had to face.”

She considered hers Asteroid X-57. Those burnt bodies still haunt her some nights, but she wasn’t about to let Bahak get away. Millions of lives were at stake.

Still, it was hard getting used to some of its changes. EDI was… friendly, but a bit disconcerting at first, ready to answer any question Ashley had, which she was grateful for. Regis sang her praises, but she had partially chalked that up to his cybernetics and VI background.

A small thought popped in her head wondering if Cerberus used EDI because of that. She’d have to ask him about it later.

It was good having Chakwas on board as well, and Adams was another happy sight. She missed seeing Tali right there next to him, challenging him with questions and her own tweaks.

Hopefully she’s doing okay out there. Messages have been spotty, but she’s with her people right now.

Good to see Joker as well. She got a little closer to him after Alchera, after all the shit that had happened, but lost touch after she started N trials. She often wondered if she could've stopped him from joining Cerberus.

Doubtful. He’s a stubborn bastard and even if he and Regis pretend to hate each other's guts, it must’ve been nice to have a few familiar faces. She later got the impression Regis hated that they joined Cerberus, but was secretly a little relieved to not be out in the black on his own.

She still had yet to really get to know Vega and Cortez, as well as Regis’s new specialist all up in his business at the CIC. She’s sure he loves that, but he doesn’t need to focus on every damn little thing. Especially not now when everyone wants to hear from the great Commander Shepard.

It’s also nice having some of his family on board. Adrian seems to have already gotten on well with Cortez and Joker, being a pilot himself, and Regis seems a lot lighter knowing his uncles are by his side. Vikram has made themself at home in the medbay, which surprised her when she realized they weren’t staying behind with Kaidan despite their knowledge on implants and biotics.

Concern for what they clearly consider a son likely outweighed that. She hoped it wouldn’t backfire on Kaidan, but surely they’re keeping an eye on that situation as well.

At least Regis is now not the only Spectre on board.

She found herself back in front of the elevator and decided to check on Zaeed. Introduce herself a little less formally and maybe get to know the man that helped Kaidan heal, and later kept a close eye on Regis when he was in the belly of the beast.

They never mentioned him much at all on the SR-1. One time she caught them on a call with him, but it seemed friendly. Not romantic. Something that never crossed her mind beyond an interesting friendship, it seemed. When she asked about it Regis only smiled and called him an “old friend” which was accurate, she supposed.

And Kaidan told her a few months after Alchera there wasn’t anything between the three of them after they met in Omega, only during–really, you and Regis took a shore leave on Omega?--but that they all wanted it. Too damn late to do anything about it.

Regis seemed to melt in his presence. Maybe he treated him like a lifeline, scared for Kaidan and holding onto his other love. He looked at Zaeed like he hung the damn moon, the same way he looked at Kaidan once they were open about their relationship.

She was happy for them. An odd couple, truly, two alliance soldiers–two human goddamn Spectres–and a merc damn near twice their age. Not that she judged them for that. She could see why they were interested in him purely from an aesthetic perspective. Zaeed wasn’t really her type, but those arms and tattoos? Damn.

Hell, every time she talked to Kaidan in those two years, he always brightened when talking about Zaeed. Happy that he at least had someone that really knew Regis.

There aren't a lot of those out there.

A part of her still can’t believe Kaidan was the one that goaded Regis into doing that authorization, but those two have always surprised her. Teaching her to not judge a book by their damn covers, that’s for sure.

So she’s trying to do the same for Zaeed. She wants to be friendly with him–friends even. And she hoped he was open to that.

She entered in Deck 4 as her destination and waited for the short trip down. As the doors opened, she saw Regis walking down the hallway away from Zaeed's corner of the ship. He waved at her, and she noticed he was wearing his Alliance officer uniform, a clean blue leather jacket with grey detailing.

It looked a little broad in the shoulders… must be Kaidan’s, then.

“What are you doing down here?” He asked, stuffing his gloved hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“I can't explore the ship?” She teased.

He smiled, shaking his head. “No, that's my job.”

“I wanted to talk to Zaeed for a bit,” she said. Especially before they get to Menae. She was sure Zaeed would be on that ground team but had no idea who else Regis would bring down with him. “Haven't got to really know the man that stole both of your hearts. Think he'll be okay with that?”

A light blush dusted his cheeks, making the red lines of his cybernetics appear to glow even brighter. “We've talked about you a lot to him, so I can't imagine why he wouldn't. He's working on his Widow stuff now. He's got some good tools,” he said with a knowing look. “Bring by something you want to tune up and he might let you use his kit.”

“Well, I do have to work on my Piranha. It's not as efficient,” she said. “I'll grab it from the armory.”

“And I'll let him know you're dropping by, just in case. He won't bite,” he said, and she shook her head at him.

“Maybe not me,” she said, testing the waters, seeing if Regis was fine with her teasing him about Zaeed. By the way Regis blushed and nearly hid a shy smile, he seemed perfectly fine with it.

If you would've told her when she started on the Normandy that Regis Shepard would blush at any suggestive comment about his relationship, she would’ve thought you were crazy.

It’s cute. One minute he’s threatening whoever is in his way and the next he’s all starry-eyed with his boyfriend.

He cleared his throat. “I won't disagree with that. Go get your shotgun and I'll send him a message. Unfortunately I can't spend all my time hanging out with my boyfriend.”

“I know, right? It's terrible. Let me know if you ever need to take a load off. You made me the temp XO for a reason.” She keyed in Deck 5 to get to where she stored her weapons.

“Don't worry, I will. When Kaidan gets back on board… I'll have two damn XOs. What are they going to do? Tell me no?” He stepped in the elevator with her and queued up Deck 2. “Meet me for dinner in my cabin after the mission? Good time to catch up.”

“I won't be intruding?”

“Hell no. I guarantee you and Zaeed will be fast friends and that's kind of a terrifying thought. I need my best squad to like each other, you know?” He laughed as the doors opened. “Why so worried?” He kept the doors open with a hand over the sensor.

“He's so important to you. The both of you. I guess I want to make a good impression.”

He snorted, and she tried to not show surprise at that. “I appreciate it, but trust me. I think you'll get along just fine. Like I said, we've told stories about you. He's a story kind of guy. If he tells you an old tale of his, you've made it on his good side.”

“Thanks, Regis.” She smiled at him and shut the elevator doors with a wave of his omnitool.

She nodded at Cortez who was currently working on the shuttle and noticed Vega doing pullups in his little corner of the ship. Adrian was rummaging through his locker, grinning at her as she made her way over to hers a few doors down.

“What're you up to?” He asked, reaching for an Acolyte. She didn't stick him for an asari weapon kind of guy, but then again, he was with a matriarch.

“Grabbing my Piranha and seeing if I can get to use Zaeed's tools,” she said, grabbing it from the rack.

“Oh! Good choice. He's got all the good shit. Maybe some illegal shit too, but that's when you know it's good,” he replied with a grin. “What's wrong with it?”

“I modded it to use the older heat sinks? You know, the better ones,” she said, watching as he nodded along. “But the heat dissipation is complete shit all of a sudden and I can't seem to figure out why.”

“Zaeed loves working on older stuff. Might have a solution for you,” he replied. “And maybe you can size him up too, seeing if he's worthy of your boys.” He winked.

Regis warned her that he was pretty good at reading people.

“They aren't my boys,” she said with a startled laugh. “I think they can take care of themselves.”

“That they can,” he said, but a pained look crossed his face for a moment, likely thinking about Kaidan. Shit. “I never would've guessed the kid would've gone for two men, but he seems to be at peace with himself. Of course, I saw that with Kaidan too, but despite everything, I can tell he's very happy with what they have.”

“I've seen it too,” she said. “Acting like newlyweds on the SR-1, those matching scarves and shit.”

A smile graced his face, but it almost seemed melancholic. “It has always made me happy to see them taking up my brother's tradition.”

It was Regis's father who started that? She never knew. Thought it was Regis's way of showing off their relationship.

“Regis has found every way he can to connect himself to Atlas,” Adrian continued. “I think he would've loved Zaeed.” He cleared his throat. “At any rate, is this the first time you've met? I figured Kaidan would've introduced y'all at some point.”

She wanted to tell him that Kaidan wasn't the only one he continued it with, as her own scarf was sitting with her some of her gear but the moment had passed.

She'll make a point to ensure he sees it on her gear the next time she needs to suit up.

“It's the first time I've been able to talk with him alone,” she offered.

“I get it. You'll be fine. Be yourself.”

She laughed and grabbed her own personal repair kit before heading back over to the elevator. It took no time at all to be back in front of Starboard Cargo. A quick glimpse at her omnitool only showed a thumbs up from Regis, so that had to be good news.

Ashley made a move to knock on the door, but instead the door opened automatically. Zaeed waved her in and she stepped inside. It was already well lived in with various trophies and knickknacks strewn about along with stacks of extra cargo that had nowhere else to go. A long table lined the wall covered in parts and a top of the line printer. An old and battered M-8 Avenger was pushed to the side, along with a deconstructed Widow.

“Regis told me you had a stubborn gun,” he started, brushing off his grease-stained shirt that did nothing to hide his large arms. Damn. “Tell me about it.”

She put her kit down and extended the gun. “I mod my own stuff, especially this Piranha, and it was working fine, but suddenly my old-style heat sink has shit dissipation. I've tried fixing it myself but it looks to be a proprietary part that I can't find anywhere.”

“Mind if I?” He motioned to the gun. She let him take it. “Spectre channels useless too?”

“Alliance made. I asked around. These days it's too much of a pain in the ass to get,” she shrugged. “Maybe if I had the problem a month ago.”

He scanned it with his omnitool. “Think I found your fucking culprit, but you probably already knew that.”

“The replacement switch?” She said, and he nodded. “Yeah, thought so. I jury rigged it together ages ago because why bother making replacement parts when instead you can make it obsolete?”

He grinned. “You get it. Can't believe Regis fucking embraced the change. Thought he would've bitched about it the whole time.”

“He didn't?”

“No. Somehow, I almost think he liked it better.”

“I'm going to give him such a hard time about it.”

“We'll gang up on him. He won't be able to get a goddamn word in.”

Honestly, she doesn't even know why she was worried at this point.

He continued, “Believe it or not, I think I have the ‘prints to this part around here. If not, Wren might.”

Shit, she didn't even think of asking Wren!

“By your expression I'm guessing you forgot about our lovely little trump card?” He said, his mismatched eyes damn near sparkling with amusement.

“Oh fuck off,” she laughed, sitting down on one of the crates. “I'm still not used to having the entire galaxy at my fingertips!”

“It’s so fucking wild, isn't it? Alliance having their own little shadow organization ran by their best and brightest Ns. Regis is one clever motherfucker for putting Wren in that place.”

“It wasn't like you had many choices, right?”

Regis was mostly tightlipped about what ultimately dealt with the former Shadow Broker. She knows it's all because of the bad feelings around T’Soni and her meddling in his affairs, to put it lightly.

She would pay many credits to give T’Soni a piece of her mind. Sure, it may have benefited the galaxy, and it was nice to see Kaidan truly happy again and to have her best friend back, but the utter entitlement to deal with someone's corpse like that?

She's still surprised Regis let her go.

“No,” he snorted. “The asari who violated his corpse, a drell and former broker agent in poor condition, myself, Regis, and Wren. I thought she was going to blast him across the room with that biotic field of hers when he ordered her to deal with the network.”

“She's definitely embraced it. Dare I say even likes it.”

“That we can agree on,” he said, starting to dismantle her gun. “Never used one of these. Helluva gun though.”

“Has a lot of kick and bite. I love it.”

He keyed in something on the printer display. “Lucky for us, I do have the older specs. Won't even be a hassle to improve on your mod. Good job, by the way. Almost perfect. Going to use your scan to improve the tolerance.”

She smiled under the praise. “Williams’ take care of their shit.”

“And so do Massani's,” he echoed with a knowing look. “Something tells me you weren't just here for a tune up.”

“Wanted to really get to know the guy that has stolen my best friends’ hearts,” she said, freely admitting her real motives. “I have to say, I was a little curious.”

“Vid calls ain't enough,” he said with a nod. “Been curious about you as well. Never heard Regis sing the praises of a soldier under his command this much until he met you.”

“I've heard that a lot,” she admitted. “Surprised the hell out of me when he said he was nominating me for the N program. Managed to get it though just before Alchera…” she trailed off. “Saw me for me and not my family name.”

“Not sure I follow,” he said, setting down his tools.

Ah, right. So used to working with fellow Alliance she forgot Zaeed wasn't it. But Kaidan did mention to her once that he was a former Alliance, but wasn't in it long. Not enough to care about its history.

“My grandfather was the first human who surrendered to aliens,” she said. “Shanxi.”

“Saved a bunch of lives and all you get is shit,” Zaeed said. “Fucking typical Alliance. Only caring about optics and nothing else.”

She blinked at his response. Huh. “It followed my dad, and then me. And then Regis came along and leveraged his notoriety to help me out.”

“And now you're a goddamn Spectre and an N7. Hope your family is proud.” He crossed his arms. “Are they alright?” His voice was laced with concern, his face softening.

“They're trying to get to the Citadel. I have four sisters,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I've leveraged what resources I can, and I've asked Wren to help out if she can, but it's a struggle.”

“You're a colony kid, right?” He asked.

Ashley nodded. “Yeah, why?”

“Might have some contacts of my own I can leverage. Know a bunch of people out in the black. Let me know,” he returned back to working on her gun, starting to scan her modded part, as if he didn't just offer something that could let a load off her shoulders.

“Thanks. I may have to take you up on that.”

“Give me the details and I'll see what I can do.” He rubbed the Suns tattoo on his neck. “Use something good out of the shit I used to do.”

One of the things Kaidan made clear about Zaeed to her after their first call. It wasn't something that escaped her notice, and she wasn't going to judge, but she did wonder about it.

“He's former Blue Suns. But he's long been out of that life.” “Was I that obvious?” “My parents were a bit worse. But Vik and Adrian made their thoughts clear to them, we may have had a little bit of a love declaration, and the next morning my dad and Zaeed were grilling up some stuff for breakfast.” “How domestic.” “He's… been everything I've needed right now.”

“It seems like damn near everyone on this ship has something they can leverage for the war,” she laughed, hoping to lighten the mood. “I’ll get you the information after the mission. Regis invited me up for dinner, we can talk about it more then.”

He seemed to loosen up, releasing some of the tension in the air. She wondered how many had judged him for his past, and hoped that none of the crew on this ship did. “Regis has gathered himself an odd bunch. But I'll correct some history you may know.”

Ashley raised an eyebrow.

“I wasn't just a ‘Suns. I founded them,” he admitted. “And this–” he rubbed the deep scar on his face. “Was how I left.”

She thought Batarians founded the Suns… Now that's a story she admittedly wanted to hear. She let out a whistle. “And the other guy?”

“Stayed in the fucking Suns until he became dead by mine and Regis's hand. Hunted the bastard down with Wren’s help. Got away from me once, and we ensured he would never get a goddamn chance in hell again,” he said with a nod. There was something else in his tone she couldn't place. Bitterness maybe, as if the revenge wasn't so sweet.

“Good to hear,” she said. The printer chimed, and the part was sitting in the glass enclosure, gleaming in the low light of the room. “Does that mean it's ready?”

He examined it with a close eye. “Sure is.” In no time at all, he swapped out the part and reassembled her gun. He motioned over to a cabinet beside her. “Got some old test cartridges in there. Toss one to me, and I can simulate the dissipation. Won't be the same as a live test, but good enough for now. Doubt we have time to assemble the shooting range down in cargo.”

“Probably not,” she replied, doing as he asked. She found a box labeled with TEST in large block letters scratched on with a marker and grabbed a heat sink. It felt heavier than a normal one. She tossed it to him, and he caught it with a grin.

Once he slotted it inside, he pulled up a larger display and motioned for her to come closer.

It took a moment for him to get it seated and calibrated, but soon enough, the screen filled with diagnostic logs and a live look at the expected capacity. “Aim at that dart board over there and fire a few shots for me.”

She grabbed her gun and felt the weight of it in her hands before aiming and firing many shots in succession. Nothing came out, but the gun acted like it did, having to adjust for the recoil before firing her next shot. He laughed, seeing her initial surprise.

Ashley couldn't help but roll her eyes at him before hitting the cooldown point. Turning to the display, her eyes were on the status, and the heat appeared to dissipate much faster, watching the outputs and feeling the heat on the gun.

She ran through the test a few more times, noticing a good improvement, even better than her original mod, close to how the gun behaved before the big transfer over to the new system.

“Damn, she kicks and spits like she's fresh off the market,” Ashley said, ejecting the test sink and carefully setting it on the workbench. “Thank you. I owe you.”

“Nah, you gave me enough pleasure working on this thing. Might need to try and get one for myself. I'm more of a Raider guy myself.”

Batarian made. Semi-automatic. Not bad.

“And like Regis, you're a Black Widow guy,” she said, nodding at the disassembled gun, collapsing the gun and putting it back down for now.

“Not just any Widow. His old one,” Zaeed said, grabbing the scope off the table.

Ashley recognized the scratched, knife-engraved skull that used to belong to his old squad with the Batarian name for Torfan underneath it. But there was something new, a set of numbers she didn't recognize.

“Lucky bastard was having the gun serviced on Arcturus and was using a newer one before Alchera,” Zaeed said, rubbing his fingers over the engravings. “Those are the galactic coordinates to that fucking wasteland. Since he used this gun to remember Torfan, then I sure as hell was going to remember his grave.”

“I wondered where it ended up,” she said quietly. “Shit, does he know you–”

Kaidan could snipe, but it wasn't his thing, leaving that to Regis and Ashley. She expected the gun to end up with Kaidan or Regis’s mother, but now that she knows about Zaeed, it's obvious why it went to him in the end.

Zaeed shook his head. “If he does, he never said it to me. Probably should've told him, but he had enough reminders of what happened to him on that fucking ship. Didn't need something else from me.”

Something else. “I wish I could've been there for him, but honestly? I could have never worked for Cerberus in any capacity.”

“Good. Regis would've hated it if you did. Hated enough that he had some of his former crew join him. More fights to be had than just ours out there. We were lucky enough as it were.”

Regis lost three people on his squad; she knew that much. From the impression she got from him, it wasn't anyone particularly important to him. Numbers that knew the score and the risks of the mission. A geth, a krogan, and a turian that just so happened to be the one he passed up on their hunt for Saren.

Ashley didn't think those deaths dwelled on him much at all. They weren't mentioned much in his messages and reports either compared to some other members of the crew.

“I'm glad he had you,” she said, holding out a hand. He shook it with a small smile.

“Me too,” he admitted.

“Attention all crew. We are nearing Menae as I speak. Massani, Williams, Shepard, you are on my ground crew for this mission. Suit up and get ready to debrief with me in the conference room ASAP. EDI will give the rest of the crew your others on an as needed basis. Shepard out.” Regis's voice filled the air as quickly as it left, short and succinct as always.

“Guess I'll need to test this out later,” Ashley said, grabbing her unused kit and gun. Zaeed started to get up from his table, shaking his head at his Widow and grabbing a Valiant from his locker.

“Any particular kind of kit you're bringing?” He asked before she left.

“My Valiant, an Executioner, a Valkyrie, and an Eagle,” she replied. “Wearing the same gear Regis does, scarf and all. I’ll bring a few programs to the table thanks to him and Kaidan. Hybrid infiltrator approach, if you know the Alliance standard loadouts.”

“We’ll complement each other well,” he nodded. “All with the benefit that we already know how crazy Regis can be with his damn biotics.”

“Right? A damn shame Kaidan isn't here. God, those two and their biotics… they are one person.”

“That they are. Blew me away when I met them.” A smile tugged at his lips. “Get out of here before Regis starts bitching at us for being late. Good meeting you for real this time. I look forward to dinner.”

“So do I.” She smiled. “You aren't spared from his wrath?”

“Hell no. But don't worry, I can always make the bastard pay later,” he winked.

Ugh. And she thought Kaidan was bad.

“Did not need to know that!”

“Too late. You're friends with me now. Get used to it.”

At that, she walked out of the door with a wave that turned into a middle finger. His laugh echoed through the ship until the door closed back.

That went well.

She looked forward to fighting with him on the battlefield. She still wants the full story out of both Regis and Kaidan, but she could see why they were drawn to him.

At any rate, Regis is happy to have him on board, and really, that's all that matters these days.

When she stopped in front of her cabin to get changed into her undersuit, her omnitool pinged with a message.

ZM: Think Adrian will like the scarves?

An image was attached, showing a picture of a red, blue, and black striped scarf. Clearly, red for Regis, blue for Kaidan, and she imagined they had yellow on theirs to represent him.

AW: I think he will. Didn't know they were a tradition started by his brother. ZM: Regis has found every goddamn way he can to connect to his dad. AW: That he has… I'm glad he got his ring back. Any plans for that? ZM: It wasn't easy, but he got it back in the end. We all have plans, I'm sure.

Really… She's going to find a way to get involved with all of them.

AW: Keep me informed, I'd love to help. ZM: I will, if only because I know you want to be all of our ‘inside persons.’ AW: Guilty as charged!

She closed the chain for now, shaking her head as she started to prep her undersuit. This fucking war wasn't going to be easy, and she feared and prayed for this crew.

Yet, she felt comfort in knowing that she could trust damn near everyone on this ship or come to it eventually.

Yeah, things were going to be okay, despite everything.

#mass effect #ashley williams #male shepard #zaeed massani #cleric's writing #regis shepard #i love writing ashley she's so fun to get in her head #masshenko #otp: two spectres and a merc

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