#like maybe too personal but in highschool i used to delude myself into thinking my meltdowns were being caused by possession | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

questioning-aspec-culture-is · 2 years

Note

I’m not sure if this is the blog for this but I NEED to get this off my chest but I’m so not mentally it emotionally ready to own any of it.

So uh I’ve been having a mini crisis for like 5 days now because I was reading a fic and the word demisexual was used and my brain latched on to that word like a bear trap and I didn’t understand why it was like a shining beacon so I googled it and fell down the rabbit hole of the asexual and aromantic spectrums and have been pretty much reevaluating every single interaction I have ever had with another human being and I’m kinda distressed.

I was raised catholic So basically I’ve only ever thought about relationships and sex and all that as a “far into the future” thing that grownups do right? So when puberty hit and all my other friends were talking about having crushes on boys I was the only girl in the group that didn’t really have one. I vaguely remember “liking” a boy in middle school but after reading so many posts and stuff I think it was more I liked him aesthetically because of his light eyes and long eyelashes. Anyway I assumed it was because “oh I’m still young and I don’t care about boys yet”

Fast forward to Highschool and i pretty much wasn’t interested in relationships then either. When my friends would talk about dating and having sex with their boyfriends I was shook because “guys were literally children that’s adult stuff!!” And I distinctly remember a guy trying to flirt with me and I just wasn’t getting it until my friends explained it to me and then I was so embarrassed.

Something that will always stick with me is the time one of my friends asked me to prom because he apparently had a crush on me but I never noticed and I PANICKED because I definitely didn’t see him that way and I had only known him for like two school years and we never hung out outside of school so I politely told him I didn’t feel the same way and chalked it up to me not being ready for a relationship. But I distinctly remember feeling differently towards him some time before the prom thing. Thinking about it now it might have been the beginnings of romantic attraction but then I panicked when he said he liked me.

I need to emphasize that I’ve always loved the idea of romantic relationships and have always wanted to be in one. I blame Disney. But it’s always been an abstract thought and i always knew that sex would be a thing too.

I never understood hookup culture and when I was in college and my friend talked to me about her problems with her boyfriend I just didn’t get why she was still with him when all he wanted her for was her body??? I can’t grasp the thought of having sex with someone and not feel anything towards them. Like treating it like a business transaction is super icky to me.

I think also the time one of my friends turned into a stalker and deluded himself into thinking we had a relationship and pretty much harassed me till graduation really scared me off too. This is the main reason I can’t watch shows like “You” because it’s kinda triggering.

I was always the only one in my friend groups who was always single. I felt the social pressure of having to find someone to be with but I was so scared because what if he is a terrible person? What if he hurt me? What if I fall deeply in love with him but he doesn’t and then I get hurt regardless? My attitude was always “if it happens it happens but I’m not going to rush into anything” now I’m 28 and have never had a boyfriend let alone kissed anybody and I feel so TERRIBLE because normally you “should” have already had a first kiss and lost your virginity by now and I’m sitting here feeling ashamed and feeling like maybe it’s my fault. I know logically it’s not but ya know?

I like reading smut fics and x reader fics with my favorite characters and I’m not repulsed by the idea of me doing those things but I can’t picture myself doing those things with random guys. I like the idea of having been with someone a while before putting out you know? Masturbation is 50/50 satisfying and sometimes I yearn for another person’s touch so bad but Dating apps actually scare the living hell out of me. I love romance and all the fluffy things like holding hands and cuddling and cute little pecks and I want that so bad it’s almost painful. But I can’t see myself having sex with someone until I get to know them completely.

For the longest time I’ve cycled through I’m straight, maybe I’m bi? But I don’t like girls like that so that means I’m straight, but I’ve never felt sexually attracted to guys but I want a boyfriend but I also think girls are very pretty MAYBE I AM BI!? But I genuinely can not see myself with girls I really hate that idea so that means I am straight??? And the cycle continues.

M so sorry this is so long but I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and so I guess idk if I’m intruding because I do consider myself cishet but also I don’t think the way I over analyze “potential relationships” and have a sort of checklist is normal…So I guess I don’t want to disrespect anybody and am genuinely trying to figure myself out.

Thanks in advance for your time🙏✨

nope! not intruding! you are wondering whether you may be aspec and that is in fact what I created this blog for!

so I'm not entirely sure how much input/advice you'd like, but there are some things that are jumping out at me:

you say you panicked when you found out your friend liked you, and you are wondering whether the feelings you felt were romantic. To me, this definitely sounds like an arospec experience - from what I have heard, alloromantic people are able to identify romantic attraction fairly easily.

"I've always loved the idea of romantic relationships"/"it's always been an abstract thought" - if you come to the conclusion that you are in fact aspec, you could look into the cupioromantic and aegoromantic microlabels. Do either of those sound like they might describe your experience?

the idea that you 'should' have done things like kissing by a certain age is absolute bullshit even alloromantic/allosexual people delve into the worlds of sex and romance at different rates and there is absolutely no shame in not doing those things. at all. the concept of a 'late bloomer' is fake and made up and you should ignore it.

From what I understand about hookup culture, the idea is not a total lack of feelings - although people may not know each other or like each other romantically, when people hook up they are usually sexually attracted to each other. For allos this can happen instantaneously and if you find this shocking or hard to understand, that's a strong indicator you are ace or demisexual!

again, your comments about masturbation and smut lead me to enquire whether you are aware of the aegosexual microlabel - enjoying sexual content/the idea of sex only when removed entirely from yourself

thinking you may be bi is actually a pretty common experience for aspecs before they're realise they're aspec

hope this helps a little! this is also the ask in my inbox that has been here for the longest and I deeply apologise, anon, for how long it has taken me to answer it.

#not questioning aspec culture #questioning ask #aspec #questioning aspec #asexual #ace #acespec #demisexual #demi #aegosexual #aego #arospec #aromantic #aro #cupioromantic #aegoromantic

9 notes · View notes

cattles-bians · 3 years

Text

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

#in which hannah says hegemonic perceptions of the working class and i pretend its foreshadowing vampire au #the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au #LONG one its like #2500 words which is #yknow! some pages #idk what counts as long all writing is witchcraft to meajhfjbnk #ik i should be pacing these a lil better but #i just wanna get up to vibeccas wedding im IMPATIENT

7 notes · View notes

emperorofbullshit · 3 years

Text

This is gonna be me ranting and whining about how annoyed I am at my own mediocrity and how I manipulate the people around me as a coping mechanism to delude myself into thinking I am doing pretty alright and I shouldn't complain because I have it good

Since 14 years old there has been much discord in my family. My father is an alcoholic and not just a normal one. He would go to work at 6, get off work at 12 and then come home after 6 more hours of drinking. There are 7 days in a week and out of those 7, in at least 5 I have had to hide in my room because I was scared of him. He would yell, he would call me names, he would even make threats saying things like :

"I have 2 sons. Do you see that window? I could throw you out of it and only have one son."

To a 14 year old kid who is scared shitless but can't show emotion on his face, those words were always taken at face value and I always had no doubts on him being unable to keep his words. I am the eldest of 2 sons and thus I had to take the brunt of the "parental dedication", as they call it, and was always pushed for excellence. They would always say : "Get good grades, make good friends, go outside, go study, go do this and go do that" in and out every day. From 3rd grade I have been taking courses on languages, sports and math at times and I would leave home at about 6:45 AM every day to get to school at 7:30 and I would go from school which ended more often than not at 13:30 to English courses and then to either Deutch courses or basketball practice which would end at roughly 6PM.

My parents loved achievements but did next to nothing to help me feel anything other than anger towards getting any. They would always go on and on about good grades so you can get the prize money, good grades so you can get in a good school, good this, good that and I subconsciously avoided being in the spotlight because I actually felt gratification from being able to see their dreams shatter into dust and fir a while, that was the inly thing that kept me going. Just the look on their faces, the tone on their voice, the gleam in their eyes. The gleam of someone realizing that their hopes and dreams of greatness were just turned to dust. I still have that side of me, I just choose to keep it under control but it want's to get loose once a while.

And so my life continued until 9th grade when ai decided to stop all couses because I was sick and tired of them and so I stopped going. Then came high school, this circus, part of which I am as of writing this text most if not all of you will skip because it's just way too long.

In the first year of highschool I had fun. I made some new friends and hung with them a bit and I also met the one person I thought I could trust because she was like me, except unlike me, she still had hope and she still had her parents, albeit controlling, with her, rather than against her.

I gave her counsel when she needed it and we hit it off. She was a great friend while it lasted. I knew from the beginning that she and I would most certanly not make it through the year as friends so I had as much fun as possible with her.

I told her a very tiny fraction about my life and jokingly but never untruthfully told her how my mind works and what I do to people around me, her included. I talked her about relationships once and I helped her out too because she had a guy she liked and he liked her back. This guy just so happened to also be a friend of mine so I thought : "Why not help my friend get together with my other friend?", and subtly but surely I made them get together faster.

That was basically the premise of the first year. A pretty average story but I left out the part where the alcoholism and mental abuse at home never stopped. I put focus on this one girl because helping her out was my coping mechanism.

Then came the second year. This girl had gotten together with her man and they were very happy to be together and still are, after all I am still in my 2nd year of high school writing this, but back to topic. The second year of high school was wierd to say the least because of the pandemic and our classes were split in half. Me, being the pupeteer I am, decided to pull some strings and set my annoying classmates away with sweet words and deals that sounded too good to be true, and ended up with the best classmates I wanted, part of which was my target for the second year. My target was a girl this time. She was and still is, pretty, smart, and very comfortable for me to be around but she and i had never actually talked at all. Wd had exchanged a sentence once on our 1st year and that's it. I spent a few days observing her and noticed that she was a loner, she didn't exactly have friends amongst the classmates, so I thought : "Well that's as good a chance as any.", and started talking to her and walked her home after school. We became friends and were going out daily after school to get a drink somewhere and one day, as I had planned, 2 fellow classmates show up and I tell them to sit with us and so began my act and my strategy on building her a group of friends. The group wasn't too big. It was me, her, the other 2 classmates, a friend of mine and the girl from the 1st year of highschool. We were all classmates so we all had fun and talked and we developed into a true griend group. Well, as good a group as any can be with me in it. Time passed an I noticed I was really not interested in this girl I had set as my target so I just let her go to do her thing and cut my puppet strings there.

I did all of this because I wanted to prove to myself something, I don't even know what it was anymore because it lost value in my eyes and so I just cut my strings on everyone and let them free. My social life was evolving for the better, which was good and all, but my familial life was degrading and devolving at such speeds that weren't even funny anymore.

My father would come drunk, lecture me for hours on end about the most uselss things in existence, and he would always call me names and berate me on everything. He had even come to me with a big kitchen knife pointed at my chest and said : "I will kill you and eat your heart if you dont do what I want"

I am still afraid of him and i still have trauma gron him so I still didn't doubt his words because when your father comes to your room at 10 PM holding a knife to your chest while your back is agains the wall, you then realize that bad things can really be considered good compared to other things.

I was living in fear. Every day I would pretend to be asleep for hours on end so I could avoid him and maybe be spared but that was just wishful thinking.

While my soocial life evolved, my familial life kept devolving. My father would come drunk more often, fight more often with my mother, screm more, curse more and shout more. I was honestly getting pretty fed up with his bullshit. One day, he woke up from his nap and he was still drunk and started lecturing me on what "Sons of bitches, idiots and parasites" every single member of my moms side of the family, my mother included was. I was very pissed and my knuckles had gone wbite form me clenching them that hard.

My mother got home mid lecture and thy started fighting again. First it was just verbal insults and slurs, but it got worse and worse untol my father literaly ran at my mother prepated to choke her.

That.

That was the moment I had my first meltdown in my life. I saw him run and I saw his hands on her throat and I just had one simple directive in my mund telling me one thing : "Whatever made you feel this way must be eliminated"

And that was what I tried to do. I ran and pushed him away from my mother and then punched my dad so hard he crashed into the wall and made a dent. I would probably have killed him there if it wasn't for my father's brother who came to us because of all the noise, stopping me. He tried to get me away from my father and when I did and my father got up and tried to punch me while my uncle was blaming my mom fir the situation, I grabbed both him and my dad and threw them to the wall. I would probably have been bruised because thwy are both fat and I was in complete meltdown just screaming in the rage of years and years of mental torture and violent self loathing which had build up behind the dam and only sought a way out. They eventually split us up and I was crying and yelling. I could barely breathe, my lungs just couldn't take in air fadt enough for my heart which was beating so hard that thunder would sound like a butterfly's wings beating. I opened the windows on my room and put 3 quarters of my body outside the window , risking to fall and die but I didn't care anymore. The rage had subsided, having found an exit and without it to push me, I was just a broken kid that just sought desperately the help which noone gave. Not my parents, not my friends, not even those who considered themselves and to my face said "We are best friends, we help each other". I never got any help and nobody even saw that I broke down. I dropped hint after hint after hint that I needed someone to talk to, someone to say a few words to me, someone to just listen to anything I wanted to say, yet all I got was nothing. I noticed that none of these so called friends or best friends care about anything. Thwy didn't even notice that when I took my shirt off to change for PE, I had bruises in my back and chest. Nobody said anything or did anything so i also did nothing.

Everybody just seemed to go on their own way and nobody wanted to even acknowledge what had happened or what help I needed.

I am still bitter and mad at everyone but especually at my "best friend" to whom I say the following :

V. You know who this account belongs to. You know me in real life and you know I'm not lying because I don't waste my time like that. You know damn well that if yku read this entire thing and see things just a small 1(one) percent of how I saw things, you wouldn't call youself my acquaintance, let alone my best friend.

To anyone that made it to the end and actually read it, please realize that no matter what, no matter where, you cannot rely on those you consider dear without knowing for certain that they also consider you dear.

1 note · View note

meloncholy-archive · 4 years

Text

maybe i do get better

there i was, reading haikyuu fanfiction—

(specifically anything with oikawa. hes a chaotic gay and doesnt know what to do with himself so felt.)

i was expecting enough fluff to get me idealizing my next relationship

(considering my tendency to project my own insecurities into people, the idealization unfortunately comes free with no cost)

or enough smut to get me rutting against a pillow.

(i wish i had an explanation for the pillow rutting but im just lazy and hate being messy with normal masturbation)

unfortunately, all i got was a few soul crushing realizations about my life where at the moment, The Eternal Mood is just: can the ground swallow me whole right now? can the inexorable tide wash over and take my body with it? is it possible for me to drown except not feel the pain of drowing because having water in your lungs is actually a bitch and choking hurts and why tf would anyone want to die like that?

(i want my last death moments to be a beautiful tradegy that you’d think shakespeare would write about. or like hemingway! no idea how that dude writes but hes always sounded fancy and suave in my head.)

(last side note: the funeral should be a Grand Thing because its my time to shine and i hope my sister doesnt steal my thunder, even in death. what a bitch.)

anyway. coming of age.

the realization is as follows:

i dont think i really loved [redacted] as much as i thought i did

i know i dont have to say redacted but its weird saying his name now. not that i still have any sort of attachment to him. even now, i just think he was important to my life but i dont hold any value for him anymore.

he was someone i once called home but ive later on realized my coming of age came moreso after our breakup when i learned to let go of all my stupid kiddie highschool fantasies and started really looking at my life and seeing its worth.

as anyone has probably guessed from an outside lense, we werent fit. like i used to think “opposites attract” but we werent just opposite, you know? it was like as if we were on 2 different planes of thought.... if those 2 planes were from different alternate universes. its like we knew each other but also, did we really.

we spent years together yet i couldnt even get him to fully trust me to just be okay with letting go and telling me whats wrong with him. but in turn, its not like i fully trusted him too. at the back of my head, even from the start, was an almost gnawing, aching feeling of—

“you’re not right for each other” “he’s gonna cheat on you” “you’re going to breakup eventually” “well, might as well enjoy it while it lasts”

i think thats why i had a lot of moments w him where we’d just look at each other and say (mostly in between the lines): should we even still be doing this? are we really just gonna keep holding on like this?

sure, we cared about each other. there was love, of course. and in some very vulnerable moments, i did genuinely think i was undeniably in love there and i think he did too.

but he was a projection of all my self-hate issues and an idealization i had for stability in life. like when the dust settles,

my subconscious would think: at least one (1) person out there loves me. at least i know someone will always listen to me. at least there is somebody out there who would be willing to do anything for me.

but now that im out of it, i realized i loved more the idea that somebody loved me than i actually loved the person. hell, i spent so much time asking him to not let go just yet and be beck and call just to appease him.

(its pathetic, i know. i talk a big game of independence but LISTEN, im really terrible at it........)

i dont know about him and where his true feelings lie for me but as i have realized for years and never told anyone, he was never someone that was “willing to do anything for me.” he did things for me out of obligation. i think that hurt for me a lot to think too deeply about.

we were really just.. two people that were just seeking comfort in each other and holding on so fuckin tight for that short while there. i deluded myself a lot into thinking hes always going to be there for me and hes the love of my life but you know? we’ve always been passerby’s to each other. we didnt emotionally connect as well as i told everyone. our talks werent as deep as i wished. he couldnt get out of his shell, even with me. hell, i never even fully felt like myself in our entire sex life. i told you. i was at beck and call. hes finished? thats fine. want to just use me and it doesnt matter if i climax? ok, whatever. too tired to top? ok, i’ll do it. skip out the foreplay? ok, thats cool. want to just have me get on my knees? fine, i’ll do it. i’ll do everything.

it was... a moment... in time. we were hanging by a thread. you know before the actual breakup, we actually almost broke up like 3 times? at the end of the year usually. i guess that was us thinking: do we really want to prolong this any longer and for another year at that?

but its weird, right? i knew we’d breakup eventually but it didnt mean it didnt hurt still to have someone leave. leaving always hurts and being cheated on will always be a terrible feeling. but you know whats funny? regarding the cheating thing? i think what came out more from that was my self-hate issues. being with him felt like someone choosing me despite all my imperfections. i wanted an unconditional love, basically. but him cheating on me felt like me still not amounting to anything because big surprise! he chose someone else anyway! he won the breakup! hes the victor! you were always a reacher! he was a settler! you never good enough for anyone!

its terrible. i have a lot of issues.

despite everything, this isnt a post to say “all this time, i didnt love him.” thats not true at all. as i said: hes still someone important and i did genuinely think for a while there that he, for all intents and purposes, was the love of my life. but as i also said: i dont think i loved him as much as i thought i did.

in fact, in all our 3 and a half years together, i actually think i hated myself more than i ever actually loved him (as grueling and depressing as it sounds).

the point of this post is currently at: ???. this really isnt even just me finally admit everything ive realized the past 2 years since 2018. jeez, this isnt even a post to say im fully okay with myself.

ive been good, i guess. and im glad to finally learn to do things purely for myself, be okay with being alone and out of that funk (a bit). im happy to have good friends, the life i have and the existence of menthol cigarettes.

but i dont know, im 21, you know? im starting to realize im so fuckin young and i dont have to have everything figured out all the time. i dont need to rush myself into being the best version of myself because everyday, i’ll always be a little bit better than i was and thats okay, too.

and guess what? ive started to stop thinking of the “what ifs.” the what if i stayed in a relationship w him, what if i took things more seriously than i did at the time, what if i actually listened more and stopped talking during those 3 and a half years.

ive started to take the “what ifs” for the future instead. and god, i have a lot of “what ifs” now for what lies ahead (and this time, im doing this for me).

0 notes

bitter-ramblings · 7 years

Text

I’ve been incommunicado since April 1st and now I will say why. Currently, only four people know this story, so gather round children and let me tell you a tale.

April 1st I hadn’t slept all night due to frequent anxiety attacks, the reason for the anxiety attacks being that I’d got a date. Started talking to said date in the morning but couldn’t get out of bed due to aforementioned anxiety. By the time I was finally done worrying about what to wear and actually got out of the house it was coming up to midday. I wasted half the day in bed panicking.

Finally met up with my date, and they were lovely. Such a wonderful warm person. I got comfortable with them quickly, and they even let me do their makeup (subtle as it was, it was there, didn’t want to overwhelm). Honestly, we had to climb 3 sets of stairs to reach their room, we were both fucking winded by the time we got up there. They kindly painted my nails for me, and coincidentally they used nail polish the same shade as my lipstick.

I had so many plans for the day, and at best 2 came true. The first being that I actually showed up and met them. I’m not exactly lucky on the relationship front (partially my own fault but I’ll explain that another time). The second being I dragged them into the sticks in order to visit my favourite steak house. Naturally, I drank too much and made a tit of myself, but not too much of a tit I don’t believe.

After the mealtime was trudging on and they wanted to go shopping, I did too coincidentally so off we adventured to the intu potteries shopping centre. Such excite. Everywhere we went the clothes were too small or just plain shit (again more on this in a separate post), and eventually, dejectedly we wandered into the zoo that is Primark. I brought myself a Nirvana t-shirt like the 90s grunge kid I am, but my date got nothing, and that kind of made me feel crappy.

Just as we were leaving and about to head back to their hotel, I got a text from my friend Emii asking that I buy her some fake nails. Now both my friends, Emii and Mousey, are fully aware that I am on a date, and they’ve both been texting me practically non-stop since about 12. I assumed to make sure I was safe and having a good time, but they kept asking me when I was going to be finished and to come over asap.

My date was very patient with me picking out the nails, and God fucking bless them, they even drove me to Emiis house and dropped me off… And that’s when the day turned sour. The date was pretty okay, the company was good, I just don’t think either of us got to do as much as we’d liked, but we had the following day to continue adventures. Except we did not.

As soon as I let myself into Emiis i can feel the tension in the air. Baring in mind I’m 2 pints of Peroni lager down and had a drink before I even left the house that morning. So I wander up the stairs and there’s a stranger waiting for me. It turns out that Emii invited her tinder date over for a night out with us (emo night at the underground, it was a busy weekend for me, who rarely leaves the house), and it turned out he was a bit of a dickhead. Other Sam as he is known (there can be only one), started out pretty okay. Just a regular bloke. But mousey and Emii are both sitting away from him, he was on his own eating pizza.

I sat by him as it was the only seat and introduced myself, we started having a polite chat about fandoms and personal beliefs, and all the time I can just see Emii and Mousey shrinking away from him. Other Sam misgendered me multiple times, and as it was the first time he’d met me there was really no excuse, he did it to Mousey too. As the conversation went on, we went into relationship politics and had a discussion about attraction and how one's sexuality changes and evolves over time.

In the room, we’ve got a cisgender female pansexual, a transgender male asexual and me, a fucking nonbinary pansexual mess of a person but a male identifying one. He was discussing how in his highschool years he thought he might be bi, but that he found he’s not fond of penises. I then said “maybe you’re biromantic. Besides, it’s not like all men have penises” and then gestured to myself. In response to this, he goes “well, actually-” and Emii shut him up quickly. I encouraged him to go on. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And I always encourage healthy discussion and debate, which we then engaged in, in a civil (bit tipsy) manner.

I’m pretty much always willing to find a compromise, and I wasn’t about to prove my intemperance by knocking him on his arse, especially not in my friends flat. He genuinely argued that Nazis don’t deserve to be punched. I shit you not. By this point, he’s the Nick Griffin of the room now. Not quite on Donald Trump’s level of bigotry, but y'know, probably voted UKIP and for Brexit. Actually, I think he mentioned being in favour of leaving the EU, but by this point, my eyes had rolled so far back into my skull they were doing roly-polys.

As the conversation was pretty sour, Emii put on some music and cracked out more alcohol so we could get back into the party mood. P!ATD, FOB, MCR, all the emo greats… Also, Mariana’s Trench because yessss. Things got better with alcohol and simultaneously worse. As so often happens when lads are in a group and are drinking, it soon dissolved into “banter”, slapping each other on the back and generally being too loud and making others uncomfortable.

“Ah all in the bantz mate, we’re pals yeah?” He’d say every time he misgendered me. Walking through Alsager was fucking bad, it’s full of elderly people, and here are two rowdy 20-somethings here staggering along and singing… And we’ve not even been to the event yet, this is all predrinks. Other Sam the decided to spend some time with Emii so me and mousey had a chance to talk. I can fucking see why they were so eager to have me there, as I’m the resident arsehole wrangler. Dealing with obnoxious lads is essentially the entirety of my college experience (more on that another time.)

On the bus, Other Sam was once again demoted to be my travel buddy. Emii was just barely tolerating him at this point, but he couldn’t leave as he’d come all the way from Liverpool and had no means of returning home. We got to The Underground and the place was deserted, just the DJ and the barman. I got the first round in, therefore being dubbed a “top lad” by my charge.

People filtered in slowly, but it never got so packed out as to be uncomfortable. I even got up and danced (I’m only capable of dad dancing), Emii can get along with anyone and she was tearing up the dance floor most of the night, something Other Sam did not appreciate. Miserable sod wouldn’t get up and dance, just sat there chuntering that “she’s giving all her attention to other blokes”. He’d deluded himself that she was trying to take someone else home, and outright accused her to her face a little later on. The event itself was pretty great, but afterwards, Other Sam had a rate temper tantrum, so me and Mousey played bouncer. Other Sam’s there telling me what a “nice guy” he is and how he “didn’t have any expectations”, and yet he’s made her cry because he’s a jealous piece of shit.

We got the taxi home and Other Sam did apologise, but by this point everyone was tired and Emii had no time or interest in him. If it wasn’t for him not being able to get home she’d have kicked him out without a second thought, and rightly so in my opinion.

Fun part was, Emii and Mousey went off to bed, and I had to share the sofa bed with an inebriated nice guy complaining about how women have wronged him. I just put my pyjamas on and got into bed and prayed for the best. He’s strutting around in nothing but his underwear, touching himself, and I am filled with dread. He slips in behind me and puts an arm around me. I can't hear what he’s slurring, just ringing in my ears as he touches me.

Thankfully he was too drunk to get it up and mistook the inside of my thigh for my genitals… Somehow. Anyway, I just kept insisting I was going to sleep until he gave up and rolled over saying “we can finish this tomorrow, sweet dreams”. If I hadn’t been so drunk there’s no way I could have slept. I woke at about 5 that morning and climbed out of bed onto another sofa, I didn’t want to be next to him when he woke up, or indeed ever.

Emii got up at about 7 getting ready for work. I’m massively hungover and stressed out so she shepherded me into bed with Mousey and woke Other Sam up, politely but firmly asking him to be gone by 9. After Emii left, Other Sam went back to sleep, and me and Mousey were unable to relax with him in the next room.

Emii actually had to come back on her dinner break to get him out of the house. Once he was gone I practically passed out, I was so hungover I didn’t even hear Mousey come and go, tidying and getting shopping. Got up around 1, with Emii expected back at 2. Emii bless her, cooked us a beautiful Sunday dinner, it was a really nice end to the weekend. But because of all that nonsense, I wasn’t well enough to see my date again… Which was shit. But he drove to see his girlfriend on the way home and they had a good time together which was wonderful.

I’m slowly getting my mojo back but right now my head is massively fucked up. I need to take some time. Right now every little thing is just too much for me to handle.

#Sammy speaks #Trigger warning #all names here are nicknames to give people their privacy #im just tired of letting people down

0 notes