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plagued-melodies · 2 years

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※Request and writing guidelines and just overall what to expect from my blog <3※

Background information about myself

General information, interests, pronouns, DNI, etc

I am Lost or sometimes known as Melody (My online alias, they are by no means by actual names)

I am 18

This is my main blog where I'm just as annoying

I go by all pronouns and do count myself as genderfluid (I am afab)

Bi(myself)

I love to write (obviously), draw (as you can tell from my main blog), BAKE, and clean any space that is not of my own because god where I do I even begin.

I don't have many DNI honestly, my blog is pretty much open to anyone except I am uncomfy with older men. I don't mind them online but I do write self-insert ship stuff so take that with what you will.

I am VERY specific about certain ships. I do not care much what people ship, as long as it isn't gross (child and adult or animals with people) or whatever, I won't care because I understand having a specific ship most people hate but the only reason you ship it is because of VERY SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES that would have to occur that you could EVER imagine it in but you can't simply say that in a short breath so people automatically think you're weird or some creep when no it's not like that LET ME EXPLAIN- PLeAse

DO NOT INTERACT IF

You are okay with minor x adult ship or Beastiality

You are homophobic or transphobic (this means the exclusion of nonbinary people too, incels)

you ship siblings

Do not include Aro/ace people in the queer community

You are conservative (this is a pro-choice blog)

Fandoms I write for

Blue ones are my current brain rots as of writing this and will probably post about them the most (probably mostly Genshin though) but if you request any of these I will try my best :D

I have intense tunnel vision I'm sorry

BungoStrayDogs

Toilet Bound Hanako-Kun

Servamp

Genshin Impact

The Owl house

gravity falls (MAYBE??? still dont know about this one honestly maybe headcanons about Dipper and Mable's future or something)

Danganronpa

supernatural

Security Breach (mostly interpretive with this, it can be seen as romantic OR platonic, I can see the appeal but I cannot forget that they are ROBOTS 😭)

My Hero Academia (Haven't finished or started it much tho, I will literally only judge them based on what I have found online and how they look)

Kamisama Kiss

Voltron

Inuyasha

Black Butler

Breath Of The Wild

Mystic messenger

The Arcana

WILL WRITE ✨

Fluff

Smut

Angst

Multi chapters or harem type deals, where it all sort of interconnects I always find those so cool <3

talk of mental illnesses but will not do so if I am not knowledgable on something (see my restrictions for more info)

Platonic/familial with children (I.E child! Reader + [insert character] but purely platonic or familial)

Teen! reader x teen character pairings are okay though, I'm a teen myself but once I'm an adult I will slowly migrate away from that or age the characters up with me :)

Platonic pairings

canon Character x canon character pair headcanon (platonic, familial, romantic, etc) It doesn't have to be self-inserts^^

Any kind of reader, from god, mortal, fem, male (though I'm more hesitant to do male! Reader x male characters because I am afab but Im genderfluid so I can only feel comfortable taking such requests from MLM individuals if I even feel comfortable at all) and so on and so forth :)

QUEER HEADCANONS, if you headcanon [character] as trans or as aro or as anything like that I will 100% do so.

Spicy or suggestive but there will always be a warning

same with descriptive gore/horror but I will always put a distinct warning

Poly relationships, not poly myself but I am a multi-shipper and I say we have two hands for a reason so go ahead, give me the polycules 👁👁

FAMILY HEADCANONS, like if you wanted me to write about your reader having a family with a character and whether or not that reader and character have kids and if they do whether or not they adopt 🥺

SOCIAL MEDIA AUS OML I MAY START ONE THEY ARE SO FUN

JUST AU's IN GENERAL ARE SO COOL OH MY GOD

I WILL NOT WRITE

Anything regarding really complex mental health stuff such as eating disorders, depression, OCD, Bipolar, etc. I do not have these disorders nor am I knowledgeable enough to write about them (highly doubt anyone would ask but I wanted to make it clear)

Minor characters in NSFW situations

NO INCEST

Genshin is a bit more nuanced with ages but characters like Bennett, Fischl, QiQi, Sayu, Yao Yao, Klee, Chongun, Xinqiu, Xiangling, Barbara, Noelle, Diona, Razor, Dori, Nahida, Freminet (debatable but I can't tell with him honestly), and Sigewinne (there might be more) AS OF THIS MOMENT I see as all MINORS. I may have missed a few and many more will be released but will try to update this asap. (I think Dori is a minor? I've seen mixed reactions but I'm just gonna say she is or that I'm uncomfortable with writing anything suggestive with a character that looks too much like the children characters)

Anyways, please stay safe, hydrated, and have an amazing day <3

#writing #headcanon writer #requests open #writing requests #fandoms #fandom headcanons #writing requests open #introductory post #introducing myself #pinned post #introduction #please give me ideas #Melodic Musings Post <3

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calehenituseappreciation · 3 years

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Ive seen a lot of Dream (and usually Techno and Phil too) as gods au (i have one too dw) but all of you are sleeping on the funniest option.

Tommy is the god.

Tommy.

hes the only one in that galaxy (other than drista ofc)

Just imagine how fucking funny it is like

it would be so fucking hilarious

and tommy just doesnt tell them

so techno is just there making all these blood god jokes and jokingly telling tommy to serve him and tommys just laughing

imagine a god in the form of a chaotic 16 year old racoon gremlin just walts into your land commits arson and gets banned, only to come back with another person who he helps start a nation for drugs?

imagine how fucking funny it is

just

imagine tubbo banning a literal god from his lands and he just doesnt come back? he just plays by the rules? then goes and like sits in the corner all sad because some humans/dreamons told him to leave

ranboo, just joining the server: hi- a chaotic gremlin god: wanna commit arson with me? ranboo, just trying to vibe and maybe not disturb this god: sure

Phil and Ranboo recongnize Tommy as a god on sight.

Everyone else just refuses to believe it. hes Tommy. Tommyinnit. hes just weird lol

And Drista being a fucking chaotic blood god?

drista is open about her godhood and does not hesitate to spawn blocks

Drista finds Dream and decides she likes this small human, and dream just has to deal with it lmao.

drista and tommy are both born at the same time.

Tommy is a god of music, chaos, war and theivery (the last one bc he is a BITCH)

Drista is the blood god, chaos, deception, and theatre

okay but imagine the sbi interactions... like ig in this au tommy joins at like 12/13 years of age (in their minds) so he doesnt really grow much

and like tommy, a literal god, just claiming phil as his father???

phil, in his house making eggs, assuming one of his sons woke up and came to the kitchen, not looking: hey son tommy, from their couch, already deciding hes phils son now: whats up dad? phil: looks up at tommy who are you tommy: idk dad, who am i phil: *stares at tommy for a second* eh i made extra eggs you can stay

ASJIDGASUIOG IMAGINE TOMMY TELLING THEM HES A GOD BUT THEY THINK HES JOKING AND IGNORE HIM

everyone on the server: tommy is the youngest! tommy, as old as the universe: no im not!!!! im not a child!!!! he doesnt pout because pouting is for children and hes not a child but hes pouting tubbo: lol im older than you by a month tommy dont try to hide it tommy: im not a child!!!! techno: laughs

tommy doesn't try to hide that hes a god just its tommy

thats all the evedince anyone needs to think tommy isnt a god or powerful its like mcc hes good but only when he doesnt throw for content

quackity: sees drista written in bedrock lmao drista visited? tommy: yeah! i wrote that for her! quackity: snorts yeahhhh sureee tommy

imagine like how fucking funny it is jsut like

a fucking chaotic god breaks into your house androbs you makes a room under your house and decides to live in your floorboards

imagine dream like trying to manipulate tommy, and tommy a fucking anchient diety immeditly recongnizes what hes doing

but decides to play along for the angst and giggles and then actually gets mad when no one fucking cares for his theatrics

tommy, storming off to technos base to rob and build under: >:///// cant believe none of them acknoledged my deppression

i love that tommy stills robs everyone, he doesnt need to he can spawn in anything he wants

he just does it for the sport of robbery

JAKOGFSDOH

THE HOLY LAND

dream: im god actually tommy: thats so fucking funny lets make a cult about that :) dream: see! look! im god! and jesus! tommy: wheezing

imagine tommy getting stressed and letting go of his mortal form

Tommy, his human form peeling away, showing his actual form a bit: WH̸͘A͠T̷ ̶̢T͞H͢E ̡͘F̴̵͘Ù̧C͜K҉ ̶T͘͜͞E͟CHǸ͏Ǫ Techno: HAH?

tommy just saw tubbo and got emotionally attached

Tommy, a literal god: hello Tubbo: oh hi do you like my pet bee? Tommy: you’re mine now Tubbo: im okay with this

tommy, a bored god: gives techno shapeshifting powers techno, not even caring: changes into more human to pig-ishg forms as he wishes this is my life now ig

phil lets tommy do fuck all in exile bc he knows hes a god hes fine

phil: IDC IF YOURE A GOD! YOU WILL DO THE DISHES NOW YOUNG MAN! tommy: grumbles but does them

phil is the only one who can control tommy

god... tommy... with star freckles... on his human form... (as well as his god one)

tommy: f̷͛͠a̵̋t̵̒̑h̸̚e̶̓͝r̸͊ ̸̐̒i̴ ̸̅̿d̷̉͆o̵͂͋ ̵̛̆ñ̸̾ő̶́t̸̎́ w̶͆͘i̴͠s̵̓̈́h̸͗́ ̵̯͗f̶͋́ő̴͑r̷̐̌ ̶͝é̵̽g̸͊͂g̵̒s̷͂̃ phil: idc, eat your goddamn eggs tommy: pouts

tommy, despite being able to get supplies himself by fucking spawning them in: hey tubbo? we need supplies

In this au ig like if a god claims you you get a mark on your skin showing that. Drista’s would be like a green crown, Tommys would be a red and white disk (white as the outer ring and red as the center) (its different enough that if you don’t realise tommy is a god you wouldnt realise whos it is) (schlatt is the only one who never had one which shoulda been a sign dude :/)

Dream has two from the beginning, everyone else has only one, well until they meet drista. (sbi have had one since they met tommy, though they dont remember the first time they met tommy)

wait what if tommy like found them all as children one by one and later kinda pulled some strings to get them all in one kingdom. (he still joined sbi through forcing phil to adopt him)

OKAY BUT IMAGINE IF TOMMY MET TECHNO WHEN TECHNO WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT REMEMBER

tommy would hang out with baby techno and tell him stories

once he told him the story of a man named thesus

another time he told him the story of a blood god

like for example tommys first time meeting techno would be like

(for context techno lived in a shitty village and was an orphan and it was kinda a dog eat dog place, he learned how to be strong because of it)(he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this well, just like learning about the blood god and someone giving him gold)

baby techno: sighs tommy, appearing out of nowhere: oh heyyy whyre you sad? techno: jumps turning around with a knife up ready for a fight who are you tommy: im tommy! :) techno: what do you want from me! you dont scare me! tommy: whats your name! techno: i have a knife! i'll use it! tommy: of course, thats a given, but its rude not to tell people your name techno, confused: t-technoblade? tommy: smiles thats a nice name techno: so. tommy: hm? techno: why're you here tommy: i don't have a reason. im just a traveller! techno: then why hole to this terrible village! theres nothing nice here! everyone is terrible and so are you! tommy: hmmmm i dont agree techno: what are you? a child? i thought adults were supposed to know that everyone is mean tommy: mmhmm looks at the bruise on technos face where'd you get that? techno: fight. i won. i'll win against you too! so don't try anything. tommy: of course. i would never win in a fight against a blood god techno, putting down his knife a bit, stars in his eyes: blood god? tommy: grins blood. god. i think she'd like you. techno, muttering: maybe i can give the blood god some of your blood tommy: laughs yeah, she'd defenitly find you intresting tommy: here tosses techno a golden crown at techno, he spawned it in in the moment techno: whats this? tommy: a crown, thought it suit you screams in the distance tommy: huh. i need to go. have fun lil piglin. ruffles technos hair before running off towards the screaming unbeknownst to the pig the blood god was actually the one waiting for the god he met. techno: stares at the crown

Techno found a pouch of gold in his ‘house’ later that day. he didnt know who left it but it helped him get food for that night. (he kept the crown)

okay but imagine tommy not taking the war seriously at all, and only seeing it as a squabble between mortals, Like toddlers fighting

dream: SURENDER BY TOMMOROW OR WE'LL DECLARE WAR! wilbur: FUCK YOU WE'LL NEVER SURENDER AND JOIN YOUR SMP! Tommy: how cute

tommy doesnt realise that theyre serious until wilbur dies

tommy would usually go apeshit against anyone who dares messes with his humans, but what is he supposed to do when his humans are fighting Eachother?

wilbur: fucking goes insane and dies tommy: hey- hey can you guys let me talk to wil for a sec? everyone else leaves tommy, unsually somber: sorry i didnt help you i forgot how easily breakable mortals are tommy: this time you wont die, and i'll make it so that you dont break again, okay? tommy: brings wilburs soul out of its body and enters his mindscape ghostbur: wakes up what- where am i? tommy: hi there ghostbur: who are you tommy: i go by a lot of names all, one, you, the world, the universe, god, but you can just call me tommy ghostbur: oh okay. who am i? tommy: you're name was wilbur soot. you were the son of philza minecraft and brother to Technoblade, Tubbo and myself. ghostbur: was? tommy: well you see, you died. ghostbur: oh... well what am i then? tommy: a ghost! well actually its your choice. would you like to continue your existance or fade away with your body? ghostbur: i dont want to fade away! tommy: smiles thats what i thought you'd say stretches his hand to wilbur ghostbur: grabs tommy hand tommy: lets go home

ghostbur doesnt remember that though

he only remembers the good

tommy wont let him remember the bad, what if he breaks again? mortals are so fragile

phil realises what tommy did as soon as he sees ghostbur

drista, painting tommys nails (there both in god form btw) (after wilburs death btw): tommy shouldn't you of all gods realise how fragile they are? tommy: i know just... forgot drista: sighs and nods i get what you mean, especially with the ones we found... they act a lot like gods sometimes i forgot they arent tommy: ikr? wait- drista here gets drista's hair out of her face you were gonna get it on my nails, anyways, don't judge me. we all know if dream died you would turn him into a ghost too drista: smirks not if you do it first, we all know you would tommy: you say that as if you wouldn't fight me to do it first drista: .... tommy: ... drista: both of us when he dies? tommy: nods tommy: anyways my turn to do your nails

or like tommy with ghostbur like

ghostbur: i don't like this :( tommy, a worried brother and god: whats wrong? ghostbur: everyone is mad at me and i d-dont know why- why are they mad at me tommy: theyre mad at something alivebur did ghostbur: b-but im not alivebur sniffs it hurts. i dont like it. tommy: spawns in some blue here ghostbur: whats that? tommy: its some blue! it'll help you not hurt anymore! ghostbur: how does it work? tommy: see how its blue? ghostbur: nods tommy: well its blue because it sucks up all the bad feelings! it'll help ghostbur: !!!!! ghostbur: presses the blue into his chest ghostbur: !!!!its working!!!! :D tommy: smiles good

wilbur fucking died and tommy went from annoying little brother to caring older brother

tommy just wants to help his brother :) though he doesnt realise that not letting ghostbur remember bad memories isnt good

*at logsted shire btw* ghostbur: who are you? tommy, chuckling: did you forget me already ghostbur? ghostbur: i didnt forget you! i think! you're tommy! i just... you're different tommy, looks over at ghostbur: different how? ghostbur: you're not normal are you? tommy: grins whaaaaat? you think im weirdddd? how heartbreaking... my own brother thinks im weird, this is terrible ghostbur: giggles tommy: but really, don't worry about it bur. ghostbur: you sure? tommy: yeah, dont worry about me ghostbur: smiles okay! do you want some blue anyways? tommy: giggles sure! ghostbur: grins

ghostbur isnt worried about tommy

he knows hes strong

phil having to tell tommy that he cant just not let wilbur remember the bad memories

and tommys like "what if he breaks again!" and phil hugs him and tells him to at least ask ghostbur if he wants to remember and tommys like ‘fine’

tommy: hey bur? ghostbur: yeah? tommy: do you like you're memories? ghostbur: i mean, yeah its hard not to when you only remember the good tommy, quietly: would you want to remember the bad? ghostbur: w-what brought this question on tommy: answer the question ghostbur: no- alivebur was badi shouldn't want to- tommy: but what do you want bur? wilbur, silent for a moment: yeah- yeah i do. not that i like the bad memories! they hurt... but i wish i could remember tommy: ... ghostbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? ghostbur, with tears in his eyes: do you think they'd be less mad at me if i could remember, maybe then i could repair my relationships, what the hell am i supposed to do when i dont even remember hurting them? tommy: what if they dont? what if you break again? ghostbur, saltily: we'll maybe i'll be able at least be able to say i know why everyone hates me tommy: i know how to get all of your memories back ghostbur, looks towards tommy in shock: you do??? tommy: nods ghostbur, voice wavering: for how long tommy: since the beginning ghostbur: and you didnt tell me tommy: i did what i thought was best. i just didnt want you to hurt anymore. ghostbur, angrily: WELL THAT CLEARLY WORKED DIDNT IT? tommy: sorry wilbur, sometimes i forget how to handle humans ghostbur: what- tommy: sighs and taps ghostbur on the forehead and ghostbur does the ghost equivilent of passing out tommy: wont hide any memories this time

ghostbur doesnt wake up, instead wilbur wakes up weither thats good or bad we'll see

wilbur, waking up with all his memories: HOLY SHIT TOMMY WASN'T KIDDING phil, who was reading beside the bed tommy placed wilbur into, which was in technos house. yes he broke into technos house with a passed out wilbur. move on.: hm? wilbur: holy shit phil: huh? yeah. wilbur: wait you knew? phil: yeah i recongnized him as soon as i saw him about 5 years ago now? wilbur: excuse me while i freak out because my little brother is an actual god

it really hits wilbur that tommy is a god later

wilbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? wilbur: how fucking old are you? tommy: snorts of course thats the first thing you ask wilbur: well? tommy: i dont really know the exact years since years are kind of a human thing that were invented recently wilbur: they were invented thousands of years ago- tommy: but it was around the beginning of this galaxy wilbur, softly: what the fuck

tommy telling wilbur stories about different heros and villains and different humans he met during his life.

Adsjbffsg what if Tommy made himself blonde and blue eyed and white bc thats hyow the first human he met looked like asjfhsd

and just didnt change that, despite meeting new humans, its just his defult settings.

he would totally do this tho im crying.

drista just based her human form off dream because she is his sister now. he must deal with this. trying disowning me when i look like you BITCH.

thats my take anyways later might continue this

#tommyinnit #dsmp #dream smp #drista #god au #technoblade #wilbur soot #ghostbur #dreamwastaken #tubbo #philza minecraft #long post #just needed to say this

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wiihtigo · 2 years

Note

have u been asked chibita hehe... chibita (you'll never know who this is)

send me a character and i’ll list:

hiiiiiii

favorite thing about them

this is so mean but its that his life genuinely sucks. like hes one of the more normal and grounded characters in oso (hes still really fucked up and evil though sometimes/a lot its just when hes next to all 6 of the matsunos hes like an angel) like he grew up an orphan living in a pipe with his only adult presence in his life being IYAMI he never went to highschool he tried and failed in his teen years to be a chef but kept getting kicked to the curb HE TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF AND IS SUICIDAL IN THE MOVIE (AS A TEENAGER?) why does chibita have such a rich backstory and multidimensional character. and the anime is about these 6 neets who keep not paying him at his business he started on his own and relies on totally and completely for a living. wtf.

also i think hes just so nice as much as they dont deserve him im glad the matsunos have a friend as good as chibita hes tough but kind of spoils them cuz i think hes kinda lonely when theyre not hanging around making his life worse. i love chibita hes awesome

least favorite thing about them

victim of a few gross jokes i wasnt a fan of but i more blame the writers for that and not him. kinda funny though how visibly his IQ goes down in proximity to iyami

favorite line

not a line but his matsu hunting song in chibitas revenge was so so so good. literally one of my favorite episodes in the whole show

brOTP

always smile at his interactions with totoko i think its cute how theyre buddies too. Also i suppose shoutout to iyami. think its funny he kinda still keeps iyami around and still gets roped into his schemes even though he doesnt REALLY need to he has a JOB just cuz hes been around since he was a little kid. sunk cost fallacy

OTP

i like karabita ^_^ i also think osobita is funny sorry karamatsu LOL

nOTP

im not a hater about it but i prefer him and totoko as friends

random headcanon

had a crush on oso when they were kids but realized he couldnt tell them apart so he came to his senses

unpopular opinion

um? i dunno lol. i think too many ppl use him for karamatsu suicide angst instead of just writing them going to disneyworld like any other ship online but who am i to judge. i actually am one to judge sorry

song i associate with them

i know he plays work bitch - britney spears on the ipod on his mind on those cold winter days he doesnt wanna get out of bed and get out the oden cart

favorite picture of them

this isnt a picture OF him but whn i was watching osomatsu on tubi the subs for the karamatsu incident were changed i guess so it would be easier to understand for the average english speaker? so they just changed this joke totally but its raelly funny the way they changed it so its ok. look at this

for context the joke origianlly was that jyushi misheard "kidnapped" (yuukai) as "yokai" and thought karamatsu was turned into a yokai

also the rest of the joke is funny too

i feel bad chibi isnt actually in these though so heres this picture i like from kun

#asks

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lostinruans · 5 years

Text

So far...

Hello again everyone and self. It’s been a while. I think, again it’s just because I’ve been busy or just lazy to type and post, but also that I’ve somewhat been invalidating how I’m feeling and processing things- but I dont think in a bad way. I think more just like... I’m trying to not overreact to things I usually would for the sake of mental, emotional health.

That being said. This is gonna be kinda long, because a bunch has happened but a bunch also has not happened or been said. And I think rather than telling people directly, posting here allows whoever to check in on me whenever (or not) while also keeping myself accountable of what I’m apparently saying or doing at the moment. So yuhhh. Here goes.

So first, there was a moment or two where people asked me to meet up (mentors lol). And I think less than half the time, I stir up courage to message or text these people because 1. They’re busy and forget things often and 2. Why say meet up and not do it. But I think in the midst of business and uncertainty of the new year- jobs, duties, responsibilities, children, life, etc- that I didnt want to say anything. It was also because the bigger half of the time, of those people are actually available, that they’d follow up with a text or message too asking or suggesting when was a good time. None of the few people had done this, but I dont think I was upset or flustered. I think I had tried to be content because i was aware of everyone’s business. It was also sprinkled with bits of doubt because, as always, I’m unsure of what we’d talk about when we meet. That, and or I just don’t know how I’d articulate everything that I’m actually feeling or wanting to feel in the moment that we’re there. I also fear that I’d be too selfish in those moments as I judge what’s worth talking about and what I “actually” care about. But I think its just been me not really trying to worry or care much. But now that things are happening, I feel like meeting up will just get more difficult as schedules and responsibilities, theoretically, continue to grow and expand apart from each other. So on one hand, I feel bits of regret because I feel like there’s things i need to say or explain more (which I’ll do in part later), but also because I need to be less selfish and appreciate that meetings are not just for me but they’re for both and every side. That things are given but also received from these interactions and what seems to not be a big deal to me may make a difference to others. But me, being my type one and pessimistic usual self, am working on these things.

Therefore, as we approach the day that I had initially marked as my “last day,” I think there’s things I havent explained and it would be best explained one on one. But I feel like my angst and over thinking would stumble my words and keep me from being able to say it. And again, I didnt want to directly message just for the sake of convenience and consideration, but also, when people see or figure out, they’ll see. When they know they’ll know. If they know, they’ll know. If never for a while, then that’s okay too. No hard feelings hopefully.

But. Yeah. The offer for me to just stay where I am has Been extended. For me, it seems like it would be for several different and small reasons. One of those being that I often Express a discomfort and Semikey disgust toward other fellowships in the church. This is because my experiences with some of the people or my history with them has not been golden which causes things like doubt, unwillingness, and fear. Another reason being that I also keep saying that I’m not ready to move on—- although I’ve somewhat overstayed due to complications with school (aka school itself)- That I did not want to leave into a new environment of expectation and obligation. I think it was also because I said I’d rather check out other church’s rather than stay if I am expected to deal with such situations.

But i think as I am right now, I dont want to think staying would be good for me. I think I’m also trying to not be completely pessimistic and attempting optimism by giving things a chance, but anyways... I had said it “would be burdensome,” but I think I didnt Express what that meant enough. I think staying longer would be burdensome because Id feel like I’m being granted an easy pass lol. Like. I’m being given an easy way out/in because of my bowl full of apparent Inadequacies, uncertainties, and excuses. I also feel as though I’m being told to go out and be fruitful (spirit of the fruit, cuz we know that i shouldn’t be making no biological fruit and offspring soon), but I’m here saying that I feel fruitless. And although others say that they see my fruit and that fruit is good and steadfast to Gods goodness and love, it’s hard when I dont feel progress. But I think its just more of the growth aspect.

I feel as though staying would make me feel like Im unwilling to grow or grow up. Like, moving on or moving elsewhere is an unavoidable part of life and adulting. And so, I feel as though the burden would be more on me. Things like Shame, guilt, immaturity, unwillingness. Things like “they did this for me because I am not hopeful.” And I think even as one of my mentors semi jokingly (?) said that they should just take over SNL also made me shrink because they’re already so busy and preoccupied that if they took this on somewhat for my sake that I’d feel even more terribly selfish... I think the burden would also be that If I cant or don’t want to move on, that i myself would create images of disappointment; that even if no one else is saying or expressing disappointment towards me that I’d probably stitch some thoughts and lies together to make myself see disappointment in myself for not being able to attempt to survive on my own elsewhere...

I think also, I am trying to be optimistic and give things a chance. Although I’m not a hundred percent confident or sure, I also don’t want to be the usual me and just swerve situations just because I’m not confortable and familiar... I dont want to be complacent because I fear or cringe at what else is there. I think being triggered is okay, but letting me affect it too much can be tiring. But idk. As evident as it seems, I’m thinking a lot. Perhaps it’s over thinking, but i don’t think I sound completely crazy lol.

But yeah... idk. I still feel as though I should maybe have this conversation with people one on one, but if the stars don’t align or schedules and confidence levels don’t show, then oops. I also just don’t want to make it seem like I left or am trying to leave on completely bad terms. But I also hope that I’ll still be able to meet and hang around... I’ve lost enough connections and i don’t want to break more even though I’m probably Lowkey sociopathic and can’t always do well with people.

Yay. Lol. Is this articulation. Because I feel parched and tired already just from this all. Oof.

Wellp. Who knows if 2019 will be another year of hiding and posting to myself, or posting for the sake of accountability and mental health, or if it’ll be less posting because of like. Hm. I’m not entirely sure either tbh. Haha. Especially because I’m not entirely sure if tumblr and how i use it is healthy or helpful either. I guess we shall see.

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