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“I enjoy passing on wisdom - it's a big part of my life. Everybody has different character traits and it's how you use them that counts. I used to be a busybody but now I help people by listening to them and helping them work things out and it's a virtue.” - Peter Tork, Lancashire Telegraph, May 23, 2008

A letter of advice in reply to a fan from circa 1969 in an older post, here.

Peter Sez #5 -- November 23, 2011 Lorraine G.: I would like to ask Peter what the most important, significant event of his life is. hi, Lorraine - I'm sure that without the ego collapse it took to free me from the clutches of active alcoholism, I would not be alive today. it was, sadly, too long a process, but that it came at all will be my greatest event no matter what else happens to me. Thanks for asking, xo peter

“If you pursue your dream for what it gives you and let it take you where it will, you will have a pretty cool life almost no matter what. I'm really sure about this.”

“In the meantime, take exquisite care of yourself. Remember you’re no good for anybody if you’re not good to yourself.”

“BTW, there will be no squashing sides of oneself on my watch, no suppressing the perfectionist. Rather celebrate another side of yourself, the lovable imperfect side, and let the perfectionist side be. That side has her virtues, too, and can be a good friend sometimes.”

“Do something you believe to be valuable and you'll become valuable to yourself and the world.”

“When I got my initial diagnosis, I admit I had a good cry for a bit. Crying wasn't part of my plan, exactly, but neither was it a black mark in my book, as far as I'm concerned. The gift was that immediately afterwards I was able to ask what the next thing was to do, and went about doing that without a lot of ‘why me?’ or other such attitudes I regard as diversionary. I highly recommend keeping the question ‘What's the next right thing?’ at the forefront of the mind as an antidote to self-pity and other distractions. It works for me.”

“Peter is incredibly patient. I have watched him sit and listen to people's problems -- at times people he barely knew -- for far longer than most of us would and in the end give them good, solid advice. Luckily for us, he's both book-smart and savvy in life experience. He's been a TV and music mega-star, had highs that would have killed some people, lows that would have killed others and a career that's lasted longer than some of his fans have been alive. He's a recovering alcoholic now sober for over 25 years, has oodles of relationship experience, he's got great, productive children, he lived through the 60s and is still rocking in his 60s. If that doesn't qualify him to dish out some advice, I don't know what does.” - Therra Cathryn Gwyn, editor (The Daily Panic), February 2008

A very long read of various bits of advice from the Ask Peter Tork columns under the "read more" cut:

“Those of us who came into the public eye did so partly to escape what was awful growing up, be it oppressive households or oppressive social situations. Give us a jolt of acceptance singing or dancing or telling jokes, etc., and we go whole hog for a life of that public acceptance. Unhappily, though, fame is the same as what we're told about collecting possessions; they satisfy for a bit, but if there isn't some way to make you (myself/one's self) whole, the possessions are only temporary satisfactions at best. When a performer leaves the stage, he/she can't take the public acclaim with her. Drugs are another of those things which distract or divert from, or numb us to, the sadness we still carry within. It's a terrible paradox that those who go beyond the normal boundaries in pursuit of fuller self-expression take chances with their lives beyond the normal boundaries as well. Meanwhile, there are answers to this problem. They're simple but not easy. The problem may be seen to be that there is no one trustworthy enough to follow. If you grow up like that, it will be very difficult to find reliable guides in this life. There is a True Guide, however. Many follow the God of their understanding. Others are so turned off by religion and all its adherents that nothing under the name of God will serve. That's okay; the True Guide does not have to have the title God to be useful. It does require an understanding of and a willingness to pursue whatever in life might usefully lead us to an acceptance greater than the temporary one provided by acclaim or possessions. The understanding of this greater acceptance will come slowly, but it comes to those who are willing to keep open their eyes and minds.

Thanks for asking, Peter” (2010)

* * *

"For instance, of course some parents find it easier to kick out their kids than others. That's just natural. But as to the general average of kids today staying more with their parents than in days of yore, well, I partly blame those who let the economy go to hell in a hand basket... or perhaps actively took it there is a better description. It's tougher now than it used to be to find a job, and there is less of a spirit that finding one will give one a real chance to come up in the world. It's therefore understandable that 25-year-olds and some even well older would be discouraged, and have very little incentive to go forth and make their way. Still, I am pretty sure that wanting to work rather than lay about is a preference in human nature, as long as no major roadblocks stand in the way. As to whether it was our hippie lifestyle that led us to treat our kids in ways that made them lazy, well, I wouldn't know for sure. But I do know that every generation is formed by the previous generation's reactions to their parents' generation, etc., etc., since time immemorial. We did the best we could with what we had, and if we don't like what we see, I'm not sure we can do much for the next generation anymore. I believe that my kids appreciate that I am still working on my own life, and that gives them encouragement not to give up, whatever else they may think of me. I don't have much to say about they way they live their lives. Of course, they aren't encamped in my basement, either. Meanwhile, I counsel patience and love, of course. Best of luck, Peter”

* * *

Dear Peter, My name is Mary and I'm in tenth grade. I've been struggling recently because all of my friends and teachers think that I should have a "direction" to my life. They tell me that I need to have my future planned out right now. What college am I going to? What career field will I try to get into? I don't know how to answer any of their questions. Should I know what I want to do with my life even though I'm only fifteen? Thank you, Mary C.

Dear Mary, "Should"? I don't know from should anymore. I once heard someone say "Don't 'should' on yourself." I eventually worked it out to where the word "should" requires the phrase "in order to." You "should" turn left here "in order to" get to the grocery store. Like that. So, the question becomes, "in order to"... what? Check out the letter and answer beforehand. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? No? Well, perhaps a little investigation is in order. When you were little, what did you dream of becoming? Airline pilot? Doctor, nurse, veterinarian or horse trainer? Wonder Woman? Rock star? Newspaper reporter? Or did you imagine that a life of marriage and kids plus a bit of a trade as, say, a hair stylist was heaven on earth? Go back to your early daydreams and see whether any of them still holds a charge. Be careful here: if you don't know instantly what your dreams were, then it's possible that you were discouraged from holding on to them. If that's true, then that discouragement will get in the way of your trying to access those dreams now. Be extremely gentle with yourself, even to the point of sickeningly coddling yourself (for a little while anyway, heheheh). If your childhood dream comes to the fore, you will have all you need to decide whether and where to go to college, or whatever else you may need. One note: it's wonderful to decide to, say, become a musician, but if "famous musician" is your goal, you may be in for more trouble than you want. If you pursue your dream for what it gives you and let it take you where it will, you will have a pretty cool life almost no matter what. I'm really sure about this. Get back to me if it's not working out. Best of luck, Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I followed your cancer fight last summer on Facebook and was sooooooooo glad when you got the good news of no more cancer! That was the best news I've ever gotten. Did you learn anything while being sick that you didn't know before you got cancer? Cancer is scary and you were so brave. Love, Kathy

Dear Kathy, Thank you for your good wishes! As to your question: If by "learn" you mean did I change my philosophy after I got my diagnosis, no, I have to say I didn't. I've been at this business of figuring out my life for a long time, and if I didn't have a philosophy of life that included the possibility of having cancer, and even of dying of it, well, then I haven't done a good job in crafting a working philosophy, have I? If, on the other hand, you mean did I discover how quickly and well I bounce back from radiation treatment, well, yeah, I'm a lucky guy, and I learned that to a new extent during the course of this adventure. When I got my initial diagnosis, I admit I had a good cry for a bit. Crying wasn't part of my plan, exactly, but neither was it a black mark in my book, as far as I'm concerned. The gift was that immediately afterwards I was able to ask what the next thing was to do, and went about doing that without a lot of "why me?" or other such attitudes I regard as diversionary. I highly recommend keeping the question "What's the next right thing?" at the forefront of the mind as an antidote to self-pity and other distractions. It works for me. Thanks for asking. Keep well, Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I'm really glad you are doing this gig again. After reading "Ask Peter Tork" in the Daily Panic, I knew that anyone who has access to your "two cents worth" is getting a lot for their money. Ever since the sixties, when I saw that picture of you "reading" the Upanishads upside down, I've wondered about your own spiritual journey. How much and in what ways have eastern religions and philosophies influenced your personal world view? Was it a struggle to leave the belief system of your childhood? What spiritual practices, aside from the obvious (listening in your heart for new songs) are part of your routine? Thanks again for your careful and kind answers in this column. Namaste, Elaine

Dear Elaine, Well, thanks for the question... I think! Someone recently said that people who want to talk to you about their religion rarely want to hear about yours. I am only too aware that my expressing my spiritual/religious views leaves me open to the charge of proselytizing, which I don't want to do. Everyone has to come to their own views, as far as I'm concerned, whether or not certain conventional religions provide a suitable framework. Having said all that, tho', and since you asked, I will try to give you a quick sketch. Firstly, eastern "religions" (I use quote marks to say maybe they aren't religions*) have indeed been a huge source for me. My mom gave me a book on Zen when I was in my teens, and while I didn't get much from it then, I have found in the years since that Zen Buddhism has an attitude that appeals to me a great deal, as far as I understand it. I'm something of a minimalist, I think, at least in these matters, and Zen has been about as minimal as it's possible to be and still say anything at all. Incidentally, I can also recommend anything by Krishnamurti, who might be seen as uncompromising to the limit, but he's great anyway. I grew up in an agnostic/atheistic/non-theistic household. I wondered for years what everybody was on about when they said "God." I certainly wasn't interested in whatever religion the good boys and girls in school were into, usually Catholic, sometimes Protestant. My father didn't believe in the God he was presented with, and I don't believe in that God either. Howsomever, I do believe that awareness of a connectedness of some sort is critical to human well-being. One Zen teacher said "Life is the teacher." That made all kinds of sense to me, because whatever we're talking about here, it has to be real. Unverifiable assertions are useless to me, so if it's real, it will show in real life, some way, somehow, some time. Anyway, all of that is partly to say that I had no particular religion to break away from at home, except the "religion" of rationalism. I did have a set-to or two with my father about my developing sense of connection, which included phenomena he couldn't allow himself to believe were even possible. That part was tough, and we never did completely reconcile over the point, tho' we got along okay thru the rest of his life. As to my routine today, well, I don't believe I actually have one. My sobriety is the critical issue for me now, so I daily take a moment to consider that, and I reaffirm whatever it takes keep me mindful. There's a strong spiritual component to recovery from addiction/alcoholism, so maybe that counts as a spiritual routine, tho' it seems a bit farfetched to call it that. Mostly it's just what keeps me from acting out so badly that I begin a deteriorating slide to hell. That's enough, by Gar! Namaste to you, too, Peter *Some of the schools of thought I follow don't engage with the concept of God at all. Maybe better to think of them as psychologies or philosophies.

* * *

Hey Peter, Great that you are doing the column again! Really great to read. My question is that, I know you love baseball, but being raised on the East Coast, I wondered if you every got into hockey? Hope On... Tyrone

Dear Tyrone, Nope, I never got into hockey, and I don't think that has anything to do with where I live. Or, rather, I don't think that matters where in the U.S. I live; if I was born and raised in Canada, I imagine I'd enjoy it a great deal more. Mostly, I will say, I never attended hockey games in person 'til much later in life, and couldn't follow the game on TV, and mostly what I saw was another football/basketball/soccer-type game, only on ice, and with a hell of a lot of fighting. If you put it that way, who could care? Years later I watched a minor league hockey game, to much better effect. There was nary a fight, and I got to watch the grace of the competition. That was better, tho' not enough to overcome years of apathy toward the game. I imagine you love the game, so I won't go any further with this, except to say, enjoy what you like, and please, please, please, have a good time. Best, Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I can't imagine you not being a musician or being cute Peter Tork of the Monkees and Shoe Suede Blues. But if you had never been a musician or never wanted to be one, what do you think you would have done with your time and talent? Have you ever wanted to be something else? I am trying to decide between 3 things on what to be. I think sometimes you know what you are and sometimes you don't. I wish I knew. I love you. Cathy

Dear Cathy, Well, you are asking a couple of questions, one of which is almost unanswerable. I mean, change everything about me and then ask who I am, well, that's a puzzler. If you're asking what other fields I've been drawn to to any noticeable degree, I don't mind saying that the law and the kind of counseling I do in these columns have both looked like reasonable and attractive careers. Strangely enough, there's one other thing in particular I wouldn't mind doing, and that's massage therapy. My father had good hands, and he seems to have bequeathed them to me, and though I've never taken training, and it's a little late in life to get started now, it still seems like a useful life to me. BUT! The big deal question you're asking is how do you (or how does anybody) know what to do in life. That one's much more important. Someone once said to me, if you don't know what to do, it's because you don't know who you are. See, for me, I never realized out loud, so to speak, that music/entertainment was my calling, but I look back on my life, and at every juncture, that's what I went for. So, one way of looking at what you might want to do/be in life is to look back at what you've liked to do so far. One note in particular at this point, which I've made before. Everybody gets shut down to some extent growing up; it's inevitable, and nothing to get bent about. But what it does mean is that it's possible that you haven't thought about the things you liked to do as a child for a long time now. Go back into your past. What turned you on? What gave you the thought: I'd like to do that/be a part of that? Even if it was the way you related to your dolls, there might well be a clue there, if not even an outright signpost with a fanfare. If money is a concern, well, then, money's a concern. There's nothing wrong with striking out for serious independence if there is a concern about being left without resources. I hope, however, that that concern is not the overriding be-all and end-all of your considerations. Money is, of course, critical to civil well-being in this life, but beyond a certain point, more does not improve the quality of life... much. If there seems to be a useful, satisfying career open to you, then follow it unless you're deeply concerned that you won't be independent there, in which case maybe the next more lucrative career path is better for you. Like that. Best of luck, Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I've been married for over 30 years, the children have now grown and left home. (I married in my teens) I'd hoped my husband and I could enjoy more time together now but over the last few years the physical side of our marriage has dwindled to almost nothing. He's never been very demonstrative but now he seems to prefer the TV to time with me. I've tried different things including making the first move, without success. And I've tried talking to him about it but he says he's happy the way things are and sees no need to change them. He is in good health, has a good job and no money worries. I really miss the feeling of being close to someone, the romance and the passion but he tells me to "grow up, real life's not like that.” Am I being unrealistic? Is this what I should expect the rest of my life to be like? If so it seems very bleak and lonely. Kathryn.

Dear Kathryn, Let's start with your husband's quote: "Grow up, real life's not like that." There's more wrong with that than I can get to, but just for starters, real life can, too, be like that. Real life sometimes is passionate and romantic. It's true that sometimes life is bleak, but the worst thing about your husband's quote is that it's manipulative; he's trying to shut you down for the sake of his own comfort. He's uncomfortable with your preferences. Note that that's what's going on here; it's his preferences vs. yours. I regret to inform you that you won't have an easy time of this no matter what. As I am fond of hearing: "You pays your money and takes your choice." I won't pretend to know every possible way to approach the situation, but the two main topic headings are the external, what we call objective, and internal, subjective approaches. As to the external, let's assume for the sake of discussion that you're fine, and it's all him. My take then would be that there are three main ways to go here. The first is to accept your husband as he is with all that means. (There are two subsets here, depending on your codes: you can live without physical demonstrations of affection or get them on the side. Incidentally, while I'm thinking about that, the second sub-option doesn't necessarily mean finding sexual satisfaction outside the marriage; there's a wide range of physical affection that does not step outside the normal bounds of marriage.) The second option is to get out of the marriage, and enjoy what affection you may find in the singles world, and/or get involved with someone who does behave as you'd like. (Watch out here, tho', you know pitfalls await the unwary in this department.) Thirdly, and maybe the most wearying, is to get yourself and your husband into a counseling situation. Pastor, shrink, MFCC, whatever. This one's tough, because if he doesn't see any need to change, you have to provide him with reasons. Like, maybe, he won't have a marriage at all if he doesn't. Divorce is a bitch, as anyone knows, and the woman still takes the brunt of it, tho' that's generally getting a bit better, but if your husband doesn't think that your preferences and desires constitute any reason for him to reconsider his attitudes, you might be better off in every way out of the marriage. I mean, you can hardly get less affection if you never get another hug in your life, can you? Okay, that's the "change the world" approach. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, sorry, it's about checking yourself out. Here the field is vastly more complicated, and potentially vastly more rewarding. Here the questions to ask yourself are more unsettling. Here's where you plumb the depths of your entire life. Not much to ask, is it? Smile. Someone once told me that if you don't know what to do, it's because you don't know who you are. As I've mentioned before, this one sticks with me. You're upset with your husband. That, I am sure, means that he's breaking some (maybe hidden) rule/s of yours. What is that rule, what are those rules? Where did you get those rules? What would happen if you abandoned those rules? (Will your entire world come crashing down around your ears?) This road is a long and difficult one. It re-engages parental issues (what did it take to get along in your family of origin?) Did you think you deserved a reward for having done right for the last 30 years? (I'm not saying you don't, I'm just suggesting you ask yourself whether what's going on is about your entitlement.) How have you been assuaging your sense of lack? I'll bet you've developed some habits which are not actually supportive of you. Alcohol was my compensatory habit, numbing my feelings of not being truly noticed or regarded. Of course, it really only served to take me away from my own life, not make it better. I didn't know this at the time, finding out only in a supported abstinence. Do you have any such behaviors? Over-eating, shopping unnecessarily, fixing other people, all these serve the same purpose: distracting oneself from one's life. BTW, these may not be fixable without help; seek counsel in your community, and if you don't have one, check out the nearest appropriate anonymous, 12-Step group. Because, it is in one's own life that, finally, all these issues are settled. Don't let me discourage you from the effort, either. The joys and rewards are boundless, a veritable cornucopia of adventure and delight, and up ahead, a better world than you ever let yourself even dream of. Hang in there, do the work, and watch your cosmos change. Let me know how it goes. I'll help as much as I can. Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I hope this doesn't sound stupid. It’s something I've always wanted to know. Why do rock stars get all the women? I figured you would know. Even my sister likes you a lot and she doesn’t really like anyone very much. She says hi, btw. I was thinking of becoming an architect but that doesn't seem to get the girls excited. Should I learn to play guitar? Thanks bro, Jon L.

Dear Jon, Thanks for asking. I've never wondered the same thing; I've been too busy trying to get the women by being a pop star so I've never had time to stop and tell on the roses, as it were. But since it all came up lo, these many years ago, I've actually given the matter some thought. Here's some of what I've come up with: For one thing, those of us who got into show business did so IN ORDER to get attention. This is sometimes an outgrowth of a conviction in childhood that people didn't much care about us, or even notice us. We determined that if we could get the millions (or, say, dozens) to love us, then it wouldn't matter that we weren't much regarded on an individual basis in our youth. For some of us, it worked. Unfortunately, it has its drawbacks. You don’t get to know these ahead of time, so I’m going to tell you. One of them is, that the girls we do get mostly want us for the show we put on. By that, I don't mean only the stuff that goes on onstage, but the way we present ourselves when we meet someone. I have a ready stock of funny stories and sly ways to hook a girl in, but in the end, that's what she goes for, and when it comes time for me to be myself, she's always kind of shocked. [...] Check it out: architecture is a deeply satisfying career and you're going to find a relationship that suits you if you'll only let it happen and what you do for a living will be only one measure of your true value in the eyes of a worthy, intelligent, supportive woman. Good luck, Peter” - 2008

* * *

“Being a hermit is almost certainly the worst approach to the issue. Too bad there isn't a Hermits Anonymous, but who would tell the hermits about it if they won't communicate with anyone? The problem, as I tried to indicate above, is that there is not enough connection with society, with others, with a circle of friends and people who love you.Tell you what: try volunteering at a soup kitchen or other charity outlet. Rely on what those in charge there tell you about your work, and for God's sake, don't let your mind tell you that your low opinion of yourself trumps their observations.There are a few other suggestions available to you, but the point here, I think, is for you to do something on behalf of your own value. Do something you believe to be valuable and you'll become valuable to yourself and the world.” - Peter

* * *

Peter, My name is Scott and I'm 37 years old. I was wondering, as you look back on your experience in the 1960's, how much of the political and social ideas of the youth movement and counter culture are still valid today and whether or not you feel the same about those ideas now as you did back then. Scott

Dear Scott, I won't go nearly so far as to say that everything that came up in the 60's was valid, but as far as I'm concerned, the 60's were to what will come as Greece was to democracy. Remember that in the 60's the political officeholders had lost all touch with the needs of the nation...kind of like the Bush administration now. Back then the voice of the establishment, Life magazine, was discovered to have doctored photos falsely indicating that LSD caused chromosomal damage. That proved what we (then) kids already knew: that those at the top preached fair play and honesty, but had no more need to honor those concepts than what would give them the next dollar without too much trouble. We saw perfectly clearly that we were on our own, that no one in authority cared about us. Now, like any bunch of kids left to their own devices, some, many, went off the rails. Every false step by somebody walking around under the cloak of the liberal hippy 60's was used as a pretext for dissing the entire generation. Those of us who were truly interested in liberty, fraternity and equality, however, knew we were onto something good and real. What had been called democracy was, and to some extent still is, a pretext for wrapping the will of the greedy and aggressive in a mantle of public acquiescence. Now, the business of wresting power away from those who make a specialty of wielding it will be a long and protracted struggle, with a lot of setbacks along the way. The outlines of the new style of governance are only dimly perceivable, and won't become clear for a long time to come. In the meantime, our job is to practice the principles of fairness and service to the extent possible. One thing is clear: there is a much higher joy in service than there is in acquisition of wealth. (Remember that it isn't money that's the root of all evil, it's the love of money.) Hanging together in brother - and sisterhood is so happy-making you want to sing right out loud. Yeah, I feel the same about those ideas as I did then...in case you couldn't tell. heheheh, Peter

* * *

“Again and again, my message is, behave as you'd like to be behaved towards. Not so original, actually, but truer for me the older I get. Putting it into practice, now, well, I get that it's far from easy.” - Peter

* * *

“I do believe that humans are designed to be happy as a general matter. I am coming to believe that, after biology is addressed (clinical depression, etc.), what usually gets in the way is the story/ies we tell ourselves and each other. If you listen, you’ll hear a lot of people tell you, ‘Oh, I’m the kind of person who always…’ or, ‘Oh, I’d never do such-and-such a thing….’ These are the tools by which we keep ourselves on a self-perpetuating circle—what in fact is really meant by karma. If you spend, say, 15 minutes a day just sitting and listening to your own mind chatter away, you’ll probably start to notice some of these patterns in your own life. Try it for a week. Set a timer, and don’t get up out of your chair unless one of the kids breaks an arm or some such. (BTW, you might not enjoy this at all at first, but hang in there. Must be present to win, you know.) As you become more familiar with the almost-automatic workings of your own head you might begin to detect the patterns that shut you down before you can enjoy what’s going on.I’m not one of those who say that everything is for the best. I am sure, however, that in any given situation, you have a range of options, and some of them are more conducive to calm than others. No matter how bad the situation, it’s always possible to worsen it, with a bit of effort. It’s also possible to take the calmest approach, and I am sure that if you make that your effort, your plan of attack, you will find your life slowly becoming happier. Incidentally, you won’t notice when you change over, but I do believe that one day you’ll notice that you’re happy enough. I certainly hope so. I’m sorry for your loss of your mother. Please take care of yourself, Peter”

* * *

“For one thing, I do divert a fair amount. I used to do it more than I do now (progress not perfection), but when I lived in LA, I’d pick a club at random some nights and go watch a band I’d never heard of. Or I’d take whatever paperback I was reading out to a coffee shop and sit for 90 minutes over a decaf Americano.I spend a fair amount of time on the computer, reading news sites, emailing and doing some games and/or puzzles. (I do believe Sudoku improves my brain. I hope I’m not deluding myself.) I also meditate, which greatly changes the dynamic of being alone. I don’t sit in meditation as much as I believe to be good for me, but when I do, my being alone is no longer a burden. Finally, I remind myself that there are a lot of things I like to do that company feels like it interferes: working on my music on the computer, practicing guitar to a virtual rock rhythm section, reading, both time-passing and significant stuff. And then, sometimes, no matter what, I’m lonely. Like I say, this is happening less and less over time. I have to attribute this, finally, to becoming more comfortable in my own skin. That in turn seems to come from being encouraged to do the right thing. My friends and support people are lining up more and more along the lines of, do respectable things, and you’ll gain self-respect.I wouldn’t know of my own experience, but I hear that volunteering for church and community groups get you out of your isolation. If you try it and you like it, tell me, and maybe I’ll try it, too.”

* * *

“[T]o answer your question directly, how one moves on from something that may not happen again is to find some other thought to substitute for that mournful ‘it may not happen again.’ If you hang on to that formulation it will poison your present. Try, ‘not bad, but let’s see if we can’t do even better.’ Or maybe, ‘God must have some wonderful plan for me. Can’t wait to find out what it is.’”

* * *

“BTW, day job, shmay job. When you need money, you’ll do what you have to, be it x-ray tech, or macburgerslinger. Remember to consider what you can bring to the situation rather than concentrating on what the job is going to suck out of you. You might also check out your life style, to see if you’ve gotten yourself more involved with the material world than would allow you to do what you want.”

* * *

“What I am sure about heartbreak is that you will be glad one day that this is behind you, both in the sense of: ‘Whew, I’m glad that’s over,’ and ‘I’m so happy I’m not involved in that anymore.’ In the meantime, take exquisite care of yourself. Remember you’re no good for anybody if you’re not good to yourself.”

* * *

“If you want to hear from someone who’s older than you, you’ve come to the right place. That ‘Don’t quit before the miracle,’ which of course is not remotely original with me, is maybe one of the best general advises I have. (Can that be the plural of ‘advice’? ) Another, which kind of is a bit more original with me, is, ‘Be a hero to yourself.’ By that I mean, regard your life’s story in the same light as those tales of Greek and Roman heroes, who were born to kings and queens and found their lives dashed down to humble circumstances, and who redeemed their lives thru heroic deeds (with a lot of help). Those heroic stories, it turns out, are everybody’s stories, and it’s deeply useful, I am convinced, to regard ourselves as that kind of hero. Hang in there, and don’t quit just before the miracle. Peter”

* * *

“But this above all: if your well-being is threatened, you must take care of yourself first. There is almost no situation that warrants putting future situations over your present safety. If you can find a way to avoid being at risk at the hands of your tormentors without giving up your program, well and good. But your present safety and sanity come before your future. Please take care of yourself. I hope it works out for you. I’d love to know how it’s going. Please keep me up to date.”

* * *

“Firstly, anyone who can’t stand your history doesn’t deserve you, plain and simple.”

* * *

“One other thing: I am totally sure that Zen does not tell us to put up with any and everything that comes our way. I believe instead that the hope and idea is to do what must be done, including fighting for our human rights and needs, but without going into the blame game, doing what we have to do with a will and with best wishes for all involved. I think Jesus meant something like this, too, when he said love your enemies.”

* * *

“You’re not obliged to be where you’re not appreciated under any circumstances whatever. I’m sure of this.”

* * *

“But I can promise that your situation is not remotely hopeless. As to those who are giving you grief about your grief, well, basically, and not to put too fine a point on it, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”

* * *

Hi, Peter! First, we just want to say that you are the BEST THING EVER. Second of all, I have a question for you involving what your opinion is on gay rights. My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for three years, and in that time, have come across more example of discrimination than I would care to recap. We would like to know: what is your opinion on gay rights? Should we be treated with common decency and respect, or are we subhuman because we happen to be in love? Do we not deserve the right to marry, or adopt children? And why do people who think of themselves as good people treat other human beings this way? Best wishes, Mike

Well, Mike, Is this a trick question? Because the answer(s) is (are) the same whether you’re gay, black, a woman, Jewish, Catholic, handicapped, poor…have I left anyone out? (And I don’t want to hear middle-class straight white males try to tell me that they’re discriminated against in this modern, PC world. We m-c, s, w m’s are incredibly privileged, and while I’m sorry for the poor shlub who feels his place has been taken by somebody less qualified, etc., I think of the deprivations historically visited on all the above-mentioned before I get too indignant.) Oh, and one more thing. Everybody, believe it or not, believes that they are good people doing the best they can. There are very few exceptions, and even most of those few exceptions believe that they’re only getting back what was rightfully theirs in the first place. The very, very few exceptions left have errors in their brain circuitry that block their learning about such a thing as real, as opposed to public, consequences. These people are called sociopaths, and there seems to be no help for them. Everybody’s scared, you know. Everybody, to some extent or another. Trembling, Peter

* * *

Dear Peter, I am 16 years old, and am a huge fan of The Monkees!!! When I saw your advice column, I was wondering if you could help me out. Being 16, I feel like I'm being forced to grow up very suddenly. My parents keep talking about getting my permit, taking up part-time jobs, and they're even already asking me to look at colleges! To be honest, I don't think I'm ready for any of it. Driving scares me to pieces, and so does getting a job. As for college, I don't even like leaving home to stay at a friends house!! How could I possibly be ready to leave home just yet? I recognize that I've still got a few years before that happens, but the I'm jittery just thinking about it! The driving situation scares me a lot mostly because the thought of myself having the control of a car freaks me out. I don't know what to do. How do I get rid of all this fear and anxiety?? Forever your loving and adoring fan, Lydia P.S. I was just wondering if perhaps you could come perform somewhere in the Albany area. I'd LOVE to see you in concert very much!

Dear Lydia, my loving and adoring fan, I’m sad to hear of your anxieties. You must realize that there is no earthly reason why these thoughts of future activities should be scary. I underline “earthly” to say that your anxieties can not, rationally, arise from what is normally an excited anticipation. Therefore and hence, you have issues. Don’t despair, everybody does, to some extent or another. They can be dealt with. The point is that something is dogging you. I believe, on scant evidence, that it’s likely that you have childhood issues that cloud your sense of pleasure at the coming adventure of your young adult years. The other possibility is that you have anxiety disorders stemming from some genetic distraction. Don’t freak out here, either. This, too, is treatable. There’s one more possibility that occurs to me: your parents may be only too anxious to get rid of you. Maybe they want to have wild sex all over the house, and believe your living there is getting in the way…heheheh. I don’t know, but (ok, joking aside) it’s possible that they’re pushing you too hard for their own reasons, unrelated to the natural course of your leaving the nest. If this is true, it would explain to some extent your dislocation on the matter. By the way, if that is the explanation, you probably wouldn’t be able to get them to say so; I’m sure they’d regard it as too shameful an admission to come clean about. That would leave you in a bit of a pickle. BUT here’s the good news: none of this is fatal. It doesn’t even have to be crippling. No matter where it came from, it can be dealt with. Firstly, as you note yourself, you don’t have to face the stuff right away. Your anxiety may disappear as you get nearer to it all. In the meantime, and alternatively, you may find the psychological and spiritual counseling it takes to get past this. I also recommend meditation as a means of calming the soul. My favorite brand of that is Zen, but whatever you prefer you should do. Good luck, Peter PS, I’d love to bring the band to the Albany area. Keep your eyes open. It could happen.

* * *

Dear Peter! I have a problem with my volume in choir. My director is always telling me to sing louder, but I'm afraid of not sounding good/messing up, so I tend to veer away from singing out. I just don't want to mess up. I was wondering, do you know of any good ways to squash that perfectionist side of me? Bay, 13

Dear Bay, Yeah. Sing out loud, mess up a bunch and laugh right out loud at yourself. Also, check out the others in choir. Any of them singing worse than you would? Yes? I thought so. OK, then. Singing well at a new volume level takes a bit of practice, tho’, and you might want to warn your director and everyone around you that it may take a bit of time before you are singing loudly and well. BTW, there will be no squashing sides of oneself on my watch, no suppressing the perfectionist. Rather celebrate another side of yourself, the lovable imperfect side, and let the perfectionist side be. That side has her virtues, too, and can be a good friend sometimes. Keep rockin’, Peter

* * *

“I believe very much in all that I believed in back in the 60’s. I hope I’m more aware of the practicalities than I was then, but I am positive that the values and principles I held then are critical to the well-being of the planet, or at the very least, critical to growth and contentment in the population. As to the practicalities: the chance of no more war in our lifetimes is so close to zero that I don’t imagine it possible, tho’ there well may be progress along these lines. May be. Sometimes I see the world as an eternal horse race between salvation and dissolution, now one, and now the other gaining the lead. But to the extent that we can learn, each and all of us, that the cooperative good is good for the greatest individual good (with safeguards, to be sure), that forgiveness is the route to true inner peace, and that not everything we deem wrong or bad may be so, to that extent hassles of all shapes, sizes and colors will diminish. I am so sure of all this that I would, I hope, be willing to bet my life on these principles.”

* * *

For starters, I will report that my kids mom and I never told them to be polite. Because we were polite to them, they naturally said "please" and "thank you" without any extra prompting on our parts. As to broccoli, well, 3-year-olds cannot be expected to be tactful, and whether they eat it or not must be a matter of negotiation, not of coercion, I'm sure. I used to gag at the taste of Brussels sprouts, and nothing could get me to eat them. I still don't like them much. heheheh Peter

* * *

“Let me say, tho', that I am not one of those who believes that everything is for the best. The only thing I'm sure of is that I can bring the best attitude possible to the situation. It seems to me that you believe you had a bargain with the forces of Karma, and that you feel betrayed. Betrayal is very infuriating, to be sure, but the laws of God and/or Karma are not actually known to us, merely guessed at. I've learned recently to ask myself one question: Would you rather be right or happy? I urge you to let go of what you thought was your due, and find the best way to live with what you got. There's still a lot of joy to be had regardless, I am sure.”

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pinkfey · 2 years

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34. bauble w/ ellery!

34. bauble + ellery lux.

setting: deadfire. aloth/ellery centric.

Aloth found her on the floor crying.

The storm had thrown the ship into chaos above deck, and the quarters below did not fair much better. The ship lurching so suddenly his books came toppling off their shelves should have been a warning for the impending storm, but Aloth had still been surprised to see the downpour of torrential rain that awaited them on the deck. All hands went to work strapping cargo down and hoisting, and Ellery in the middle of it all as fearless as ever, the rain beating against her as she attempted to calm the near-black clouds. Just the sight of her—her arms raised high and her figure completely drenched as she soothed the sky—had been enough to inspire the crew to hold on. And most magnificent of all: it had worked.

Until it hadn’t.

Aloth had not been watching her, nor did he hear her gasp over the rain, but he had seen the retreating clouds thicken once more and return with a ferocity, and when he had looked to where she had been standing, he’d caught a glimpse of her dashing below deck. He had meant to chase after her—and did nearly let go of the rope he had been holding—but Edér hollered at him to leave her.

For hours the crew had struggled to keep the ship together and by the time it was over, Ellery had still not returned. Their companions had bickered about what to say to her, some frustrated, some concerned, but Aloth ultimately offered to find her.

And so he did.

It was a dreadful sight. Her quarters had been sacked by the storm, clothes and furniture strewn every which way, shattered glass on every surface, and the various flowers he’d once watched her happily druidcraft were now dead. But the storm hadn’t caused that, had it? Ellery was on the floor at the foot of her bed, her dress splayed out before her as she sat surrounded by dozens of glass shards, her bleeding hands laying limp in her lap as she cradled something small he couldn’t quite make out.

Her hair was still damp from the rain. She looked at him with tearful, devastating eyes. “It broke.”

Aloth’s heart ached and he smiled softly. “So I see, my friend.”

He gingerly stepped further into the room, careful to avoid ruining anything further, and knelt down by her side. Ellery sniffed pathetically. She curled her fingers further around the object she held.

Her voice was as fragile everything else around her. “Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone is fine,” he assured. The he listed his head. “Serafen could be happier.”

She gave a weak laugh, but Aloth knew her real one when he heard it. He smiled in relief—until her face crumpled.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered, and as fresh tears fell, she leaned to rest her head on his shoulder. Aloth hesitated to put an arm around her, settling on placing his hand on the small of her back.

Aloth had seen her like this before, of course, more than five years ago after Defiance Bay. It was an uncomfortable sort of role reversal for the two of them at the time—Aloth never knowing what to do with his hands, or his words, or anything really, because she was always the decisive one, the talker. Aloth was not uncomfortable now, or tense. Just quiet. He knew her.

After some time, Ellery’s shuddering breaths turned to sniffles and she was ready to speak. She opened her hands back up and her small wounds had healed somewhat, just as her druidcrafted decor. Though relieved she seemed to be feeling better, Aloth’s attention fell to the object in her hand, and it dawned on him why she had left in such a panic.

“I thought I could save it in time,” she whispered.

In Ellery’s hands was a palm-sized glass flower—a columbine, she had once told him—of pale pink color, now cracked down the center, with two inner petals broken off, as well as the center. The green shards of glass scattered around them used to make up the spherical bottle she had once kept it in. One piece in particular still had the twine wrapped around it from when it hung from a bar on the ceiling along with all her other baubles. This one was special to her, he knew. It once belonged to a decorative candelabra in her bedroom half a decade ago.

The last piece she had left of Caed Nua.

“Caed Nua was my home,” she said. “My home.” She pursed her lips and shook her head. “I know it’s gone but… it’s so far away.” She choked out a laugh. “I don’t do well with distance.”

“Indeed, I remember the letters.” He did not mean for it to be teasing but it wound up sounding just the same.

“Oh, the letters!” she wailed and he was almost afraid she’d begin to cry again. “I kept every single one, you know. I wish I had them as well.”

Aloth held back a smile. Perhaps she no longer possessed his letters, but he still held onto most of hers. The dried flowers she sent along with them had been his favorite part, reminiscent of the ones she used to press into his books when he wasn’t looking. But that was a secret to share with her another time.

“I…” she began. She frowned. “I miss my home. I am afraid I’ll never have another.”

Aloth knew her story well. He tried to imagine the life she’d lived, never sleeping in one place for too long, becoming one with the woodland creatures, then stumbling across a place as valiant as Caed Nua. In a way, he understood her. He too found a home in the most curious of places. Luckily for him, she’s still standing.

“Ellery.” He said her name tentatively, and she sensed the shift in tone. She raised her head from his shoulder to look at him, but with the added pressure of her gaze he readjusted his position. Staring at the broken columbine trying to find the words, he placed his hand atop her own, locking it between their palms. Touch was not always easy for him, but this was.

“Five years ago, you made a home out of a few wandering souls you just happened across. Edér, Pallegina, Sagani, myself… It was more difficult than I can describe for us to leave Caed Nua. Do you know why?”

Ellery blinked at him, eyes wide. “Because…”

“Because home is not Caed Nua, Ellery, it is you.” He shook her hand a bit to emphasize the statement. “Wherever you are, Ellery, that is…” Aloth could not finish his thought then because Ellery looked at him in such a way that he’d wish she’d never stop.

She beamed, tears springing into her eyes once more, but she brushed them away with her free hand.

Outside, Aloth heard commotion as their companions seemed to be arguing as they assessed the ship’s repairs. Aloth stood and held his hand down for her.

“Come now. We have a home to fix.”

#she’s such a crybaby fjdbshdjfdb i love her <33 #tysm!!!!! this was a fun one!!!!!!! longer than i intended and also i’m really rusty when it comes to aloth since it’s been so long #but they’re cute <3 #also i did not proofread so if there are typos u all have my sincerest apologies #letters #narshadda #writing*#poe #pillars of eternity #ch: ellery lux #x: i know that look

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