#kind of a rough week for autistic people when a guy who hates you and mocks you to millions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clonehub · 3 years

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This is hard for me to write but also ok to reblog. No clowns.

(under a cut for length)

I knew that starting #UnwhitewashTBB was going to only increase whatever hate was already levied against me, and I was fine with that. But I don't know how many people realize just how bad it would get, especially earlier this year when the racists were feeling emboldened and the survey had just come out.

I got accused of being racist for pointing out racism. My friends who were Polynesian/Asian/Black/etc were accused of being racist against their own people for pointing out the racism in The Bad Batch--and they were called soft and liars and any number of names. There was that guy on twitter who was stalking my account, yelling at me through the survey, getting his friends to demand that I unblock him, etc. He eventually escalated to yelling at my friends on twitter to tell me to unblock him, and I did--just to say that he would remain blocked because that behavior was wildly inappropriate. He apologized to me on here, went back to talking about me, but took the survey again a few weeks ago to warn me about a potential anti-uwwtbb situation that he thought I should know about. He said he was trying to be a better man.

When the survey first came out, we got a lot of pornographic responses. Thirst comments directed at the Bad Batch, smut fics, you name it. It's since stopped, but those early days of the survey were rough. There's someone who semi-regularly takes the survey to accuse me of fetishizing the clones because I talk about Maaori culture (and I guess my URL sounds NSFW to them?), of being transphobic and ableist for having trans and autistic OCs (which is why I asked that one time), starting harassment campaigns against minors (????), etc. All of these are without evidence, but that doesn't stop them. I had folks call me alt right too, once. I don't enjoy checking the survey and seeing there's more responses.

Trolls make burner accounts to call me all sorts of names (spineless, racist, the occasional ableist slur) and they direct fatphobia and blatant ableism at my corunner @tieflingkisser. They direct racism, ableism, and other forms of bigotry at my friends. People take my zero tolerance policy for racism as me being "rude" and they use whatever issues they have with how I talk about racism/to racists as an excuse to not support the movement at all. I get personally blamed for a lack of support of uwwtbb quite often.

I guess, for whatever reason, its easier to attack just me for uwwtbb and to ignore the countless other people who talk about this regularly. Everything I post on here is used as evidence against me and "proof" that I'm actually a terrible person, a performative activist, a "slacktivist", a white woman (lmao)--and it's often reported directly to racist white fandom members. They literally never bring any evidence, but truth and honesty has never stopped these people.

It's stressful. It's anxiety inducing. It probably won't end when #UnwhitewashTBB ends.

I'm not going to stop the movement, but I can feel the kind of toll it's taking on me--and I very rarely talk about it because my appearing "weak" is just going to be another reason for racists to attack me. I'm sure many people think I'm just cruising along blithely dismissing racists left and right--and sometimes, I do do that.

But sometimes my skin goes cold and I start shaking and I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I wake up filled with dread. Sometimes I feel a buzzing anger under my skull that I can't identify the source of. I could have a good day and then come on here and see new racism in my inbox, another fucked up troll in the survey, another person blaming me for their lack of desire to support a movement that they have never once said anything about.

As I said: It's stressful. It's anxiety inducing. It probably won't end when #UnwhitewashTBB ends.

#CH posts #idk man at this point #im extracting what joy I can from fandom mostly by asking about OCs #ocassionally rsiking diving into the tags to reblog gifsets or fanart #but like its getting harder and harder #although my irl life is getting better i come on here and just get anxiety sometimes because #ig ive become hypervigilant (?) to racism #i see I got an ask or a DM and instead of getting excited I get scared #although the anons lately have been really nice and funny love yall mwah #but its surreal knowing that there's people stalking my blog to either #yell at me about X through the surve #*survey #or shit talk me to resident racists who will not be assed to actually find out the truth for themselves #like i said #idk man

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clearsky · 3 years

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My Top Comfort Characters/Kins and My Main HCs For Them

(Note, not all my kins/comfort characters are on here, just the ones I have more than 5 hcs for)

CW: Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3), Himiko Yumeno (DRV3), Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA), Kyoko Kirigiri (THH), Tsuyu Asui (BNHA), Entrapta (Spop), Ibuki Mioda (SDR2), Celestia Ludenberg (THH), Funtime Foxy (FNAF), Peril (WOF)

Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3)

Nonbinary

He/They pronouns

Autistic

Chains and loose accessories are for stimming

Likes the feeling of silk and cotton

Can't stand the feeling of anything rough or bumpy

He likes collecting small trinkets and the bones of small mammals

Can't stand anything salty. He'll eat it but he certainly won't enjoy it

Dating Rantaro

Can flirt, but only if he doesn't try

Petnames are a hell yea

Gets sunburnt really easily

Group dates with Celesnaegiri and Ikuzono

Can't cook for s h i t

Had a scene kid phase in middle school

Went to the same middle school as Celeste and Maki

Knew them when Celeste went through her "I'm not like other girls" phase and Maki was a Band Kid™

Himiko Yumeno (DRV3)

Female

She/Her pronouns

Lesbian

Can force herself to fall asleep within seconds regardless of where she is

100% forces herself to fall asleep when she doesn't wanna listen/talk to someone

Himiko/Angie/Tenko relationship. I'm calling them the Traffic Light Trio

She likes taking naps in the forest

She prefers enclosed/tight spaces more than open ones

Has several hundred stress balls and squishies laying around

She overheats easy

Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA)

Questioning his gender, but goes by any pronouns

Knows he's Asexual, at least

Has no clue what his romantic orientation is though

The kind of person to carry treats in his pocket just in case he runs into a cat

Will stop to pet literally every cat he comes across

Great at reading people

Doesn't talk unless it's 100% needed

Hangs with Tokoyami, Jirou, and Denki most often

Aizawa has 100% unofficially adopted him

Fosters kittens

Not a big fan of physical touch

He is 100% in the bakusquad. Anyone who says he's in the Dekusquad is a c o w a r d

He and Tsuyu vibe

Knows a bunch of random facts

Dark humour? Dark humour

*skates backwards into his therapist's room slowly sipping from an absurdly huge cup of coffee* Candice you're not gonna BELIEVE the shit I just went through

In case I forgot to mention it, he skates

Kyoko Kirigiri (THH)

Mtf

She/Her

Bi with female preference

Burns go up to her shoulders/collarbone/chest

Prefers to just listen as opposed to saying anything

Knows a ton of random trivia about everyone else in her class

She keeps a notebook she fills with all the trivia

Doesn't celebrate her birthday. She just doesn't see the point of it

Doesn't hate sugar/sweets, but if given the choice she would choose literally everything else

Cuts her own hair

A cat person

Permanent dark circles

T-Tall 😳

Like,,, 6'1 at LEAST

Only person taller than her is Yasuhiro (6'3)

Canon no longer exist

Ahahaha healthy life habits? What are those?

Can't handle horror games

She's the kind of person you'd go to if you needed to rant but didn't want any advice

Polyamourous yo

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

She's a dom yall are just scared to admit it

Tsuyu Asui (BNHA)

They go by They/Them

Lesbian

They and Ochaco are dating

They like to hang with Shinsou

Which mainly just means the two sitting in one of their dorms in near total silence doing whatever

Can speak English and French as well as Japanese

Learned English from cartoons

Picked up French bc they thought it'd be fun

Prefers to stay neutral in the whole Bakusquad / Dekusquad thing

They're invited to all outings/events by/for both squads

They like puns

They're a dumbass but willingly, and for fun

Like "someone says they like dark humour and they'll turn off the lights before telling a joke" kind dumbass for fun

Great at poker

Likes Disney Movies

Very touchy once you get close enough

Not in a sexual way, just likes physical contact

Especially fond of piggyback rides and cuddles

Extreme fear of needles

Entrapta (She-Ra)

She/Her or It/Its

Doesn't bother trying to figure out whether she's cis, trans, nonbinary, or what

Was AMAB though

Short as fuck (4'7)

Strong as fuck though

Cuddle game strong

Physical touch is a fuck yes

Cuddles

Piggyback rides

Hugs

Anything where she's touching someone is wonderful in her book

As long as she's the one that initiates it

Anyone else touching her without her permission makes her freak

Prefers being high up

Makes it harder for anyone to sneak up on her

An ace at video games

When it comes to sexuality she just says she's Questioning

Ibuki Mioda (SDR2)

Any pronouns + Pup/Pupself + It/Its

No idea what their gender is otherwise

Biromantic Asexual

Just likes sexual jokes

Gets distracted easily

Has severe hearing problems

She's plays her instruments as loud as possible, with the amp right next to her, without ANY ear protection

It's caused some damage

She talks so loud bc she has no idea how loud is considered acceptable

Wears hearings aids most of the time

Several piercings and tattoos

Likes hearing things jingle

She has a bracelet with a few bells hanging from it

She'll shake it whenever she's bored

LOVES hair accessories

Ribbons are a particular favourite

Occasionally she'll hang little charms from her hair "horns"

The kind of person who never takes any pills/medicine bc she keeps forgetting she has to

Frequently uses emojis

Skates everywhere but she isn't very good at it

She keeps crashing into everything

Has broken every bone in her body at least 3 times

Most of which was bc she keeps trying to kick in doors and skating down the stairs

Celestia Ludenberg (THH)

Nonbinary

Any pronouns, mainly goes by She/They

Bi, 70:30

Collects mini hand sanitizers and can tabs

Has single handedly gotten Mario Kart, Mario Party, Monopoly, Uno, and Clue banned a grand total of 17 times (and counting)

The kind of person to purposefully target someone regardless of what game was being played

Favourite victim is Byakuya (bc he gets so upset about it and she finds that hilarious)

Mains Waluigi

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

Has several banned Twitter accounts bc whenever she's bored she'll start discourse on purpose

Hangs with Korekiyo, Ibuki, Byakuya, Yasuhiro, and Leon most often

It's a weird friend group but everyone's sorta gotten used to it

She and Byakuya gamble together occasionally

She tries to avoid it bc he'll willingly blow his entire fortune in an attempt to beat her

Autustic

Can't stand the feeling of water

Mainly bc she can't swim for shit

Horror movies? Hates them

Gets flustered super easily

Taka is her twin brother

Kotoko, Kokichi, and Gundham are their half siblings (Same father)

Peko and Toko are their cousins

She sucks ass at go fish

Fuck canon she's 4'11 now

C h u b b y

Freckles

Once she gets comfortable enough with herself she dyes her hair in the peekaboo style

Either black and red or black and blonde

Haven't decided yet

I'll be doing Celesnaegiri hcs as a seperate post but I just feel it's important for you to know that she expresses her affection verbally and is a very touchy person

Went to middle school with Maki and Korekiyo

Has horrible eyesight

She wears contacts most of the time but she always puts off buying more

After the 5th or so time she ended up blindly stumbling around a week after her contacts ran out Kyoko convinced her to buy glasses as well

Religious accessories yo

Like chokers and dangly earrings with crosses and pentagrams and shit

Likes wearing wacky earrings

Can run and do all sorts of tricks in heels

She and Mukuro are exes yo

Keeps her hair short so it's easier to manage

Hair never gets longer than her shoulders if she can help it

She seems like the kind of person who'd keep her bangs grown past her eyes regardless of how frustrating or inconvenient it is

She's a sub yall just don't wanna admit it

Funtime Foxy (FNAF)

I'm going on the record to say this

Funtime Foxy is genderfluid and that is that

Goes by Funtime

Any pronouns, They/Them most commonly

Plays music (keyboard and guitar mainly)

They and Funtime Freddy (Freds) mainly play with the kids

Freds mainly tells stories with Bonbon while Funtime more so plays one-on-one

Has nicknames for everyone

Circus Baby - Ringleader

Ballora - Bells

Funtime Freddy - Partner

Bon Bon - Bun

Peril (WOF)

I like both Nonbinary She/They Peril and Mtf She/Her Peril

They're both such good concepts

She's a lesbian, Harold

She only had a crush on Clay bc he was pretty much everything she was supposed to like in a guy

Gimme a moment while I force all my mental disorders onto this poor child

Autistic, Anxiety (Social anxiety, mainly, but she has most types), Adhd, PTSD

I'd like to reiterate yet again that She's a lesbian

Sunny and Glory were her gay awakening

Peril in Book 1: Damn, Sunny and Glory sure are pretty. Anyone would be lucky to date them. Clay would probably go for them over me. He would be stupid if he didn't. I myself would willingly date them over someone like me. They're just so pretty :(

Peril waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of arc 2: WAIT-

Rarepair alert but Peril/Sora

Peril meeting Sora: "Hmmm She's attractive. I would love to date her. Too bad I'm straight and in love with her brother lmao :P"

Peril, a mere month later, waiting for Ruby to leave Jade Mountain, pacing in her cave, running face first into a wall: WAIT-

I remember reading this one amazing story where Sora taught Peril to read/write and Peril found out she set off the bomb and comforted her/convinced her her run so that's canon now

Btw if anyone can remember what that story was called/what platform it was on and could tell me I'd appreciate it very much

I'd even be willing to draw a character of your's or make you an icon or something

I usually don't accept requests bc I get burnt out easy but this is a special case

She runs into Sora again sometime between the beginning of TOP and the end

I like to imagine she just goes wandering around

Anyway she confesses like a mere few minutes after running into her again bc Peril is just subtle like that

The actual confession takes 15 minutes and the entire time Sora is just sitting here like "👁👄👁 sure"

Bam Peril/Sora

Peril plans to keep it a secret for a little while longer but she spends 3 seconds around Clay and pretty much blurts it out

Clay, who wasn't even aware that Peril was a lesbian, is just "👁👄👁"

I wanna say Clay doesn't know what a lesbian is but in my canon Sunny is a lesbian so Starflight has already told him

Anyway he's super supportive

From that point Peril is sorta open about her sexuality?

Like, she gives Clay permission to tell the rest of the D.O.D bc she isn't about to risk being in front of them when they hear the news

(When Sunny starts actively seeking her out as a hang out buddy and Tsunami, Glory, and Starflight appear to tolerate her presence just a bit more afterwards she pretends she isn't confused by the change)

She's pink, white, and blue bc I said so

If you look at a certain angle in the right lighting her eyes, mouth, fire, and under her scales all look purple

But her fire is normally white and blue bc I said so

Also she pale as fuck bc in my canon their fire just sorta burns their colour away

You know how you leave something outside for too long and it gets sunbleached? Where it gets all washed out?

Like that but more extreme

By the age of 10-12 firescale dragons are just white with pale eyes

That's right not even the eyes are safe

Ram horns :P

I'm also fond of Peril/Sunny

Or maybe Peril/Sora/Sunny

But Peril/Sora is the main thing

On the topic of that bringing in my hc that if one sib in a sib group is fire resistant all of them are

She,,, She can change her scale colour

But only slightly and only if her emotions are strong enough

Bc I don't give a fuck about Darkstalker's scroll we were robbed of hybrid Peril

Unfortunately all of Peril's emotions are strong

Rainwing ruff along her head and neck

It's like a hood

It's mainly smoothed to her sides but when she's startled it flares out

RAINWING PUPILS

Y'all will know what those look like as soon as I get off my ass :P

She,,, She can mimic bird cries

Hates the summer

She has more than enough body heat already and the outside is just hot enough to add on and make her feel sick

She can somewhat control her heat but most of the time it's based on her emotions

It can go from standing-in-the-middle-of-a-burning-building-cant-see-your-nose-smoke-is-so-thick heat (Strong emotion) to Hey-thats-a-nice-cozy-campfire heat (Calm/"weak" emotion/Sleeping)

I'm just gonna make a different post with all my Peril hcs cuz there isnt enough room for all of them here

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hack-king · 4 years

Note

Been a while. Wonder if you're up for some Autistic!Elliot

I'm always up for some autistic Elliot, also known as canon Elliot, because fuck everyone else, I respect you.

Elliot, shopping for groceries, minding his own business:

Rice bag:

Elliot:

Rice bag:

Elliot, raising his flat open palm: YOUR TIME HAS COME

Elliot, playing Pokemon: COLLECTION

Flipper: (breathes)

Elliot: I would die for you.

Flipper: Woof

Elliot, through tears, burying his face in Flipper's fur for The Feeling: Oh my God

Qwerty: (swims)

Elliot: (watches him swim for an hour straight because What Is Time?)

Someone: So... You like computers?

Elliot: (breathes in)

Elliot: BOI

Elliot: (buys like three weighted blankets even though he's constantly on the verge of going broke and wears his hoodie to bed because Comfy) Under Pressure

Telephone: (rings)

Elliot: No.

Angela: I really enjoyed the party last week, didn't you?

Elliot, who can't remember what he did yesterday: (sweats nervously) Oh yeah, totally.

Elliot: (develops emotional attachments to inanimate objects)

Elliot: (wakes up to see Flipper has rolled over during the night and fell the five inches off his bed to the floor) I am a terrible parent

The printer at work: KJSKSJKSJSKSJSK

Elliot, with tears in his eyes: Don't say that

The city: (is crowded)

Elliot, internally: I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this

Angela: (scrapes her cutlery together and makes weird mouth sounds while eating, even so much as dares to fucking audibly breathe and breathe in Elliot's direction)

Elliot: I Am Sorry But I Must Leave

Elliot: (disocciates listening to Leon's voice because Leon is the one bitch he can stand)

Elliot: When I am around you my batteries recharge and my hands and head are happy.

Leon, starry eyed: Bro...

Elliot: (gets into an hour long discussion/info dump with Leon the bae)

Elliot, internally: Is this what true happiness feels like? A life without depression??

Elliot: Hello yes I would like to comfort you I just don't know how please forgive me I am trying my best

Elliot: (sees patterns other people can't because he's autistic and others aren't and saves the day because of it)

Neurotypicals, ableds, etc on social media: Lock down is driving me insane! I hate staying at home, I can't handle this!!

Elliot, depressed bastard autistic introvert homebody with chronic fatigue: That's rough, buddy.

Elliot: (experiences gender and figuring out his gender identity differently because he's autistic)

Elliot: (misses a joke and stays dead silent while everyone else in the room laughs)

Also Elliot: (gets extremely obscure reference and is looked at weirdly because of it)

Also Elliot: (takes a lot of things literally or doesn't recognize someone's tone or when they've made a joke with him)

Also Elliot: (is just discriminated against, ostracized, and treated bad in general because Neurotypicals/allistics suck major ass)

Elliot: Okay, first of all: fuck you guys,,

Autistic Speaks: pls, I'll do anything! uwu

Elliot, without missing a beat: Then perish.

Elliot: (is definitely more than willing to jam to an extremely diverse range of music but absolutely adores rock)

Elliot: (cannot stand buzzing electricity)

Elliot: (has trouble understanding other people but is still so fucking kind and helpful regardless)

Elliot: (has near/complete black and white morals and view of the world because when you're autistic you can't afford any leniency with other potentially dangerous bigoted people and honestly the world would be so much better off if the billionaires just up and died, how can everyone be so willingly blind and ignorant to the truth??)

Elliot: (is incredibly fucking smart and just wants to help people. No-one will ever suffer like he does if he can help it. Bad people will pay dearly for their atrocities)

Allistic fuck: Make eye contact!!

Elliot: Make contact with a moving subway train, buddy, and maybe then we will talk.

#ramimalekpan #mr robot #elliot alderson

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unorthodoxsavvy · 5 years

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An Unorthodox Update

Hello, friends, Romans, country-core-people... mutuals...

I’d like to take a minute to address this blog and the direction it’s been going in.

First let’s look at our roots.

I started this blog in November of 2016, about a month after I started dating my boyfriend (CretaceousHero, go give him a follow guys) and it was originally an MCR blog titled Welcome-To-The-Savvy-Parade (yeah it hurts to read for me too but there were good intentions). Around that time somewhere maybe like 2015 I had started watching Dan and Phil and my posts gravitated towards them and Bands™️. After a while I think I slowly changed over to mostly Dan and Phil under UnorthodoxSavvy, which has become my main branding everywhere, starting on here (Twitch, Twitter when I had one, Discord, other messaging systems, Pokémon go, AC: PC) and I use the name “Savvy” which I also went by IRL for a while and still kind of do I just don’t talk to as many people anymore. From there I was often lumped in with Dan and Phil blogs even though I never had an official Dan and Phil branding. Throw in some superheroes and tv shows, etc. I was even a front-runner for Phandom Meetups when those were a thing. Commenting on YOUR photos brought me happiness.

At some point I decided to split my content into two blogs, this one and my side blog. Both have a certain theme that are almost polar opposites when you compare them, but they are both me. I’m currently thinking of changing that url by the way as the joke has kind of died out. My content over there has also changed recently.

Dan and Phil have been posting less and less, which is OKAY. Personally I think that Dan can go do whatever the hell he wants and doesn’t owe us anything BUT I know that I’m in a minority of thinking that way. Even other YouTubers have suggested that not keeping up with your audience and telling them if you are still a YouTuber or what-not is kind of unfair, so, no offense, but hearing it from another YouTuber’s perspective makes me more inclined to see that you guys maybe aren’t as unfounded as I would have originally thought.

Either way, it’s clear that there is less DnP content out there which means less content for all DnP blogs, which I feel like puts me even more away from being labeled a “Dan and Phil” blog. I’ve never wanted to limit myself to just them though.

Over the past year or so I’ve grown into focusing more on posting nature, plants, “aesthetic” images, more positivity, more positive LGBT+ stuff. I’ve tried to step back from the discourse but that hasn’t always been successful. I’ve tried my best to put negative things on my other blogs but honestly sometimes I need to post on here about how lonely I am where people can see it. I’ve taken YOUR suggestions and I’ve tried to post more informational and positivity posts about things I am not in support of others: Trans and other gender identities, autistic post, psychotic and other mental illnesses that aren’t as well recognized/more stigmatized, etc.

The feeling I wish to convey on this blog I guess is a sense of peace and purity with information and a non-nonsense tollerance of hatred with some positivity and jokes here and there. Does that make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is I don’t really know where this blog is headed right now. Some content you can expect to see if I keep up with the blog is Queer Eye, LGBTQ+ things, plants, animals, photography, art, information, etc. If anyone has any other suggestions please feel free to throw them out. Tell me what you do/don’t like.

I say if I keep up with this blog because right now Tumblr Mobile’s new notification system has pushed me towards turning off all of my notifications on my phone for this app. That means if I get an ask, if I get a message, I am not seeing it right away because even if I had them turned on it would be swept in with all of the likes, reblogs, and comments and buried. By nature I’m not being as active on this blog.

I would hate to throw away everything I’ve worked for on here and though it’s hard for me to believe I think some of you might actually miss me if I just threw it all away. I had a good 3 days last week of constant hate in my inbox and notifications so that was fun too. Whatever man.

If you’re interested in any of my other interests like The Umbrella Academy, Stranger Things, Dark Egos, Vulture Culture, BFU, Cryptids, Superheroes, the general post about me complaining about people, feel free to follow what is currently @shes-demons-jim but will probably change soon.

Some of you may also know that Emory and I have finally opened a few online shops which I run the PR for. I follow many of the same blogs on there and drop by YOUR inboxes from time to time spreading the positivity I used to on here, but kind of slacked off on. From there I was to comment on your photos and lift you up. Though we are a store, we are us, Savvy ans Emory, dating for almost 4 years, have had your backs since day 1 and hope you have ours too. If you don’t know our shop’s proceeds are going to raise money for his top surgery, as he’s getting older now and it’s more of an option and because dysphoria sucks. Which I’m sure a lot of you relate to (and I feel for you I can’t even imagine). Also the blog for that is @unorthodox-hero-shop feel free to go check it out there will be more designs up today.

If I’ve missed any asks or messages over the past week or so, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t feel like being as active as much because Tumblr gets worse and worse. People on here suck and I would hate to leave you all to the wolves ;) (I’ve been seeing some rough posts lately yikes).

Also who else do I have to bitch to about people??? So there! You can keep me around so I can bitch to you guys!! Look her real personality came through ya’ll.

Anyway I hope you’re having a great day as usual I don’t expect anyone to read this, it’s more for me then anything else I guess, have a nice day, see you over on my other blogs as well 👋🏻

#long post #like really long #thoughts #personal

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stabthecode · 2 years

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People have no damn clue how loud they are

This is going to literally just be me ranting and some bad science re: decibel levels. If you want to read exhausted autistic rambling, read on. Otherwise, I'd just skip this one. I'd also skip most of my ranting posts but whatever.

Hi, autistic person here that regularly wears noise reducing headphones or earplugs that reduce sound by up to about 28 db. It's been a very very rough week for me. Between having a full-day anxiety attack on Monday, spending all of yesterday sleeping to recover from said anxiety attack and trying to vaguely pretend that today was normal only to be reminded of a test that I have not prepared for at all over the past 2 weeks or so and am kind of just planning on not bothering with right now because I'm exhausted as fuck, I am not in the mood to deal with neurotypical people and their fucking bullshit.

And right now, after having spent almost 3 days straight of wearing work headphones to have that whole -28 db because the world keeps being too loud, especially my roommate who is determined to listen to very loud music and videos and shows at all hours with no regard for the fact that I ALSO LIVE IN THIS DAMN ROOM, you guys get to read me ranting about it.

So. How loud are people typically?

The very vague answer is "too" but I am a person with a phone and vaguely decent decibel level apps on said phone.

My roommate typically listens to videos at about 40-60 db. This doesn't sound too bad but when you realize that this is constantly going on and my headphones only lower the sound to about 12-32 db which for me is still incredibly audible and a fucking pain in my ass when I have approximately 2 energy and that's after a day of sleeping and having taken a nap today.

The typical store is usually around 50-60 db or so. However, I can sometimes deal with that a bit better as it's a dull and constant sound and not someone fucking talking the entire night.

Home Depot however is a fucking bastard ranging around 65-80 db. When it's quiet. And I hate it. I have a passionate hatred for Home Depot and their fucking HVAC system and constant sounds and just no. evil.

More annoying than the actual decibel level is how one of my decibel reader apps labels them with 30 db being "rustling leaves", 40 db being "quiet whisper", 50 db "quiet home", 60 db "quiet street, and 70 db as "normal conversation". Which are honestly probably accurate, except that I am very tired and struggle with hypersensitivity for sounds. (And light but that'll be it's own post, probably after this, ngl).

So when it says that 30 db is "rustling leaves", it would be except that I instead am dealing with non-continual sounds and in a very quiet room, which is what our room is as I only use headphones for my devices because I hate other people listening to things I'm listening to unless we're all watching something, it is comparatively very loud.

Change that 30 db to 60 or 71 as my roommates videos often like to max out at and you have me having to put up with a shitton more stimulus than I actually signed up for on a regular basis and a lot of reblogs about people needing to wear headphones because my anxiety makes it nearly impossible for me to actually talk to my roommate this time around.

#fucking wear headphones.#this shouldn't have to be something that has to be said #but for some fucking reason i have to tell people that if you are in a shared living situation and multiple people are not listening #that you ought to fucking wear headphones #actually autistic #noise sensitivity

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la-plus-heureuse · 5 years

Text

hey so uhh........

remember that post i made like a week ago about this guy that told me he likes me but i am not attracted to him in the slightest? this isn’t an update per se, because nothing much has changed, but i just would like to get this shit off my chest because i just.......need to get this out and maybe it’ll help alleviate my current unpleasant situation a bit.

so as i said in the other post, about a week ago, this guy messaged me on facebook, OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE I MIGHT ADD, saying that he was attracted to me, but he’s too awkward to flirt with me. and after i got over being shook to my very core for a solid twenty minutes, i wrote a message back to him, trying to let him off as gently as possible. well, i just want to tell y’all a little bit more about him, so y’all can just get a rough idea of what i’m dealing with here. feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to hear me drabble on about being creeped out by this dude.

so first off, i have to say that i don’t think he’s a bad guy. he seems pleasant enough, which isn’t at all a factor of my displeasure towards him. however, i must tell you that this dude is the quietest fucking human capable of speech that i have ever met. seriously. this guy NEVER. FUCKING. TALKS. never. and who knows, he might be autistic, or have anxiety or something, and i don’t hold any of that against him. but it’s just unnerving when the rest of the cast of this show is talking with each other like we’re all really good friends, and he just......fucking stands there. watching us, not saying a word, a kind of faint smile on his face. or maybe that’s just how his face naturally is, i don’t know. but seriously, the only times i have ever heard him speak is either the very few times he’s said hi to me, or when he’s saying his lines in the show. that’s it. i never hear him talk, even to other people. and again, it’s not like this is a total dealbreaker for me when it comes to a possible s/o, but it’s the fact that because he never talks, i know literally nothing about him. except that he’s proficient in tap dancing. that’s it. i know nothing else.

secondly, and go ahead and hate me for being shallow, but he physically just turns me off so much. like, to negative amounts. he’s not exactly ugly, per se, but there’s just something about his features that kind of repulse me. so first off, he’s tall, and chubby, but i must state that that particular physical aspect isn’t unattractive to me. chubby guys are totally fine with me. what is not fine with me, though, is that he is bald. as a damn cue ball. you could tell he shaves his head, cause he’s too young to have lost at least all his hair. it’s a stylistic choice, that much i know. also, his head is shiny AS FUCK. no lie. but i just......really don’t like bald guys. just............ugh. no thanks. not my cup of tea. next, he has, like, the THICKEST eyebrows for a bald guy. it’s like his eyebrows are trying to make up for the lost hair on his head. it’s kind of bizarre. and lastly, just....his face in general. i mentioned above that it always looks like he’s halfway smiling, and that might be just from the shape of his mouth. from the side, his mouth kind of sticks out like he’s almost pouting, which might make it look like he’s smiling from the front, so who knows. speaking of his profile, i shit you not, but he looks exactly like dr. evil from the side. EXACTLY. like, the bald head, obviously, right down to the shape of his nose. from the front, however, he kind of looks like a really tall, and younger version of uncle fester. so yeah. call me shallow if you want, but i just don’t find this dude physically attractive in the least. i almost feel sorry for the guy.

so i don’t remember if i mentioned this before, but he and i were in another show previously, in fact my most recent show apart from the one we’re working on now, and even then, he never said a word to me. it wasn’t until that show closed, and he friended me on facebook, that he started messaging me on fb’s messenger. i didn’t think anything of it, and thought it nice of him to actually want to “talk,” since he didn’t do much of it in person. he seemed nice enough, and i didn’t mind it. i think he first messaged me because i had posted something on fb saying how shit i am at flirting, but had deleted it soon after, not wanting to look pathetic. that post was in reference to another guy i liked at the time, who coincidentally has the same name as homeboy. but of course i didn’t tell anyone that. my original thought when i posted it was to just be vague. hence why i deleted it. all the same, dude messaged me, saying that he saw the post when it was up, said he understood my pain, and relented the same fault on his part. he then offered to lend me a book on flirting (i shit you not, i thought he was kidding at first), to which i declined. a few weeks later, he messaged me again, this time asking me if i wanted to go see a play with him. it wasn’t specified as such, but i believed it to have been an attempt to ask me out. i prayed that i was just imagining things, and overthinking things, as i am prone to do.

but then the fucking bomb dropped when he sent The Message last week and i astral projected into another plane of existence. and now, goddammit, things are super awkward. when i replied to his message, i never received a response, and he hasn’t said a word to me in person, though i don’t know if in fact he’s just being his usual self or he’s hurting from what i said. rejection is a bitch, i know that firsthand, so i understand if that’s how he feels.

the first rehearsal after the dreaded Message, though, my mom told me afterwards that apparently he had been looking at me quite a lot, and an actual shiver ran down my back when she told me. she also told me that when we did a character development workshop at the very beginning of the rehearsal process, back in april, he apparently had been watching me intently then as well.

so, in conclusion, i am just uncomfortable with this whole situation, and not to sound like an utter bitch, but i hope i don’t do any more shows with him anymore, because i just want to avoid this ugly awkwardness at all costs. i still have a month and a half to be in this guy’s presence several times. may god have mercy on my shitty shitty soul.

#personal

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