#just fucking do the work just fucking do it oh my god im so angry at myself

[eosofspades]

okay so maybe it was just me being ahead of the curve or whatever but like. did anyone else have their ultimate misery / severe depression era during middle school instead of high school?

#mine #mental illness #it is FOUR AM i should NOT BE thinking about this but oh my god #i read something and i just realized that it wasnt just depression i had a full-fucking-blown psychological BREAK when i was 11 #and i need to be up in four hours but now im too pissed to sleep like oh my god i had a FULL PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAK and #STILL none of the adults in my life even noticed i was SAD?? FUCKING HELLO?????? #anyway rant in the tags but also im genuinely asking did this hit anyone else in middle school/ages 11-13 instead of high school #bc all the stuff i see is about how miserable and mentally ill kids in high school are and im absolutely not discounting that #but like. high school was SO MUCH BETTER for me it was fucking PARADISE compared to how deeply fucking hurting i was #throughout all of middle school. like i would relive all my high school years ten times over before i even ONCE had to feel how i felt #from the ages of 11 - 13. high school was FUN for me and i was still very mentally ill going into 9th grade!! #like. okay you know the adhd principle of executive dysfunction where the idea is that DOING the task is easier than STARTING the task #and the analogy that goes like. imagine you had to struggle for hours climbing up the gravel mountain to get to the construction site #so when you finally get there youre like oh thank fuck time to lay some bricks i could do this all DAY #and the guy who drove up the mountain to the work site is all angry and is like man stop bragging about how EASY laying bricks is for you #man its hard work!!!!! and youre like. not as hard as climbing up the damn gravel mountain dude #and whenever i hear people talking about how high school is the worst. i think of that. #yeah man high school is hard. not as hard as suffering through the crushing misery of being 11 though.

[fembutchboygirl]

I just learned something so incredibly fucked up

#i am trembling #i cannot let this enable my issues with paranoia further! haha! oh my fucking god #im not joking btw im literally physically trembling. how did this happen oh god oh GOD nononono dont let it get to you #i just need to know. was someone like. double dealing? was someone telling him about it #i wouldnt give a shit if they were stalking me online occasionally (well id care a little bit but honestly itd just be kinda fucked) #but if someone was telling him about me and my personal stuff? #stop. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to think it happened. i have to get this out of my head #but still. absolutely fucking deranged. #ESPECIALLY bc apparently he's been saying i “made him think he was abusive'' and that doing that was shitty of me bc he actually #just has bpd?????? #sol if you're reading this listen closely: one of my best friends has bpd. diagnosed and everything. so shut the fuck up #much like you've been saying i blamed my adhd for being neglectful (read: not meeting your sky-high standards for Truly Loving You 24/7) #you cannot blame your bpd for what a shit person you've been #repeatedly asking you to work on a flaw that's been hurting me is not telling you you're abusive you fucking prick #get a life‚ learn to care about other people away from what they can do for YOU‚ #and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. #p.s. imagine being mad that people who were friends with both you and your partner didnt suddenly cut the other one off after you broke up #like actually angry at these people. what the actual fuck. you're like a divorced parent upset that their child still talks to their ex-wife #my posts

[bunnyb34r]

I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse

#marquilla #im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's #gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a #dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you #incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and #theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future #and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to #be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS #so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff #bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then?? #like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist #s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with #the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit #like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and #that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man #i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully #but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL #affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow?? #idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.

[dandyshucks]

idk what to call them but why are the doctor's assistants/passengers/guests/associates/etc SO RUDE about alien appearances. like girl that is AN ALIEN. of course theyre going to look different than a human. if i saw a guy with a bunch of tangled tentacles for a mouth and fish-goat eyes, i'd simply be cool about it. RIP to all the gals i've seen on the show so far but i'd be different.

#reason number nine hundred and eight four of why the doctor would love me specifically HFDSHGJKL #i havent actually thought about it that much sjfkl i simply think he'd like me because i am silly and whimsical <-joking again #BUT FOR REAL THOUGH WHY ARE THEY ALL SO RUDE AT FIRST #if i was going travelling through space and time i'd be expecting to see some Different Looking Entities oh my god fdsjkl #just take it in stride!! why would u expect everyone to look human and/or appealing !!! goddamn!! #of course theres going to be some real strange looking ppl out there!! ur travelling all across the universe!! #anyways im working on the last of the crochet gifts and watching doctor who HFSJKL so i'm just shaking my head at donna rn #also their reactions to the different customs and cultures WHAT THE FUCK GIRL BE NORMAL!!! OFC PPL ARE GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY!!! #im not surprised that its normal to donate your whole face to this futuristic library in the FIFTY FIRST GODDAMN CENTURY!! #WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT FDSJKL THIS IS THE FIFTY FIRST CENTURY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT #maybe i just have a way better imagination than all the assistants so far smh #(not actually like. angry or annoyed or anything w any of this fsdjkl its just funny to me that they react this way JDFSKL) #dandy.cmd

[garlique]

god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!

#i have a job interview tomorrow and there was ONE THING that i needed to do this weekend to prepare for it #and we were both going through withdrawals so badly that i DIDNT FUCKING DO IT #im literally just so angry at myself and at everything else in the world and i've been so fucking mean to the cats today and i hate myself #about it #i dont even WANT to go to the fucking interview tomorrow i just want to kill myself and cry and die and fucking give up on it all #this sucks so fucking badly oh my fucking god and i would bet you all like 500 fucking dollars #that ethan relapses on it today while he's at work and comes home fucking STINKING and making it worse for me #YET AGAIN #oh my god im so fucking angry im so fucking angry i just wanna scream and punch and throw and smash #AND I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL LOCKED UP INSIDE ME THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION NO FUCING OPTIONS NO CHOICES NOTHING #there will never be anything for me in this life and i dont know why i've been pretending otherwise #GOD it hasnt even been 72 hours yet can i please just be done #can i please find the first man who smoked tobacco and mass marketed it #AND FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH???????????? #im gonna kill and cry and die and hate my life my self my everything #ive just been crying so many fucking angry tears #like i'll be so angry and when it does come out it comes as tears and i personally???? hate that shit so much #makes me feel so fucking weak #fuck everybody fuck god fuck nice people fuck mean people fuck the normalizing of horrible drugs fuck addiction and fuck myself #just gotta keep telling myself i dont need it

[indigodawns]

.

#was feeling stressed and melancholy all day and i just... i really need to learn how to cope with that #i feel so self-absorbed and idk i was upset and teary eyed when taking the train early for dinner with my friends #and then i sit down and my friend says oh oops sorry can't tonight and idk. i was counting on that to sit down and talk for a bit and #this makes me sound awful but i kind of. exploded and texted back very shortly and angrily #and apparently. gave our other friend a panic attack so #and then they told me over text and i did nooot know how to react irl and psychically bc whew self-loathing #which felt so toxic and gross??? and again self absorbed??? #and i did reply over text and i apologised and did my best but god. #idk it's like... i think that petulant angry kid is who i am deep down and lord knows i shouldn't post this but #i need some perspective and i feel so manipulative in this too #idk idk. and i was also just wondering if anyone else gets like this like idk this blur in front of your eyes and you just #lose all reasonable thought #and i just think. im selfish as fuck at my core and im scared i don't actually want to change that and i will. try to talk about #it in therapy but that's a while away #anyways. that's also me and yeah. #sorry and also it's my parents' wedding anniversary and all i could think about was feeling mweh and not being able to do #what i was planning to do and i had this assignment blabla and these plans etc #like god??????? god #im calmer now (obviously) but yeah #and now work again tomorrow and im so fucking sick of it the mood is awful and it's busy and bleh

[stardustvanfleet]

bro……………… work rant below. i’m so angry

#the owner and manager at the restaurant i work at just sent me the fucjing meanest rudest most disrespectful messages. #i am so upset. i am shaking. i don’t know what to do. #NEWSFLASH!!! it’s not fucking PUSHY to need to know if you’re being FORCED to wait tables WHILE YOU’RE SICK. #especially if you’ve been waiting for an answer for AN HOUR AND A HALF! #IM COUGHING EVERYWHERE. i NEED to know if i have TIME to NAP and GO TO THE DOCTOR #i’m so fucking angry. oh my god. i’m done. i’m leaving this fucking restaurant #li speaks

[0ystercatcher]

my mother treats me so hilarously badly sometimes

#m #she thinks i get mad when my brothers come over bc i hate my brothers or smth which is not true #it does drive me insane she expects me to act as their maid while she dotes on them tho lol #she reprimanded me today for being so angry (i literally...wasnt i was just busy w work and didnt stay w them long) #and yelled at me for not doing smth she said she was gonna do....like......whats your problem lmfao #plus she constantly interprets my ugly resting bitch face as being angry at her or like gets sooo pissed when im not smiley cheery ... #deeply fucking insecure behavior. grow the fuck up oh my god

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do? #me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care #but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour #away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from #sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont #care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it #manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean #i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking #measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her #new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted #ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning #for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering #and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself #amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads #god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im #putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do #so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u #productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh #look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment #whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh #but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see #uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs #unrelated

[incomprehensiblegiberish]

am i the only one who doesn't see purpose in the cycle of work for more work to do more work so that you can earn more work? why should i fucking try if my only reward is getting more work and maybe a "good job keep working". i am. fucking tired.

#i have no clue if im in a mood bc of . or if im actually feeling pissed off and upset right now #i hate so much that i deal with shit like this #i cant even leave my own fucking house #and they have the audacity to say that if something is pissing me off that i can just go away from it #im so tired of having work just to do more work #im fucking tired #im so fucking done with this shit #ive been at it for years it hasnt gotten any easier and they just keep going #i dont know how everyone else seems to do thsi easily and fucking. get a sense of accomplishment from it #i just finish something and feel angry #like i let them win #i am tired of acting like i dont feel things #i am so tired of being upset and being able to do nothing #i am so fucking close to snapping i swear to fucking god #and i know in the morning i'll back to the same shit as always #of thinking about how much i fucking hate my life #and being used as a box as an example of a good life #and im not saying i have a horrible life #im just tired of being told everyday that “at least you didn't have to deal with ___” or “Oh yeah?? Well ___ happened to me” #i dont even know why people want to stay my friends anymore #one of my friends said they don't knwo they'd do without me and i dunno why but it just made me really sad #i dont know what i even did for them #i seem to annoy so many of my friends all the time #i dont know what they mean by that #i dont know what im doing anymore #vent post #tw vent

[scientificmethds]

really just pissed over a lot of things but especially how i feel like i've let myself be walked all over at work. like i know there's a benefit to controlling your temper and i don't think confrontation would have really worked in the scenario i was in, but i'm angry at myself for not listening to how bad i felt earlier. i should have just left this job weeks ago, i should have listened to my negative feelings instead of suppressing them because looking back i would have been better off leaving earlier

#lesson learned i guess #lesson fucking learned #im proud of myself for remaining as professional and compassionate towards my coworkers as i did #but oh my god whatever sort of “distancing” i thought i was doing wasn't working because i still felt miserable #and i was letting it distract me from my work #so fucking angry about that last part ESPECIALLY like never again will i allow that to happen oh my god..... #like even after detaching myself if i feel bad #that means i didn't detach myself properly #or like i couldn't for some reason #i need to just be decisive and leave and protect myself #x #mental health

[theghostofashton]

.

#didnt wanna rant in my meta post so im just gonna do it here #if you don't wanna see me being angry about 6x04 and 6x05 don't read lol #but god i hate the hurt locker #and not only bc it's making fun of a section of fans #that's fucked and gross and idc i just find it so cruel to use sue in all of this #and turn everything into a joke that shames fans and makes them seem obsessive in a bad way #the optics of that absolutely suck esp when it's a queer ship that was so important to so many people #it's cheap and unnecessary and just......i hate it i'm sorry #but also my other big issue is that all this feels manufactured #especially knowing how they do 6x08 #it feels so lazy of the writers #they wanted to do a second breakup a huge blowout break off the engagement #they wanted the dramatics of that #but they didn't want to commit to it and actually see the story through oh no #we can't do that that actually requires work lmfao #instead we're gonna call the fans out through sue and make people feel bad for being invested #that's what this is #it's lumping all the klaine fans together and making a joke about their investment in the ship #and it's just cruel lol #from writers that spent six seasons exploiting actors' insecurities to insult their characters or creating insecurities for the actors #i see this as nothing but cruelty #and it really rubs me wrong and i am very glad these eps are over lmfao #also in regards to this but also so many people on here lol i am so tired of people using 'it's just a joke'!! to invalidate people #'it's just a joke i found it funny it's not that deep' okay......to you? other people may not find it funny lmfao #so many people use that as a justification to be downright cruel bc ofc it's not cruel if they're just 'joking' #and i hate it #it is genuinely not that hard to respect people who have different perspectives than you at least i thought it wasn't #but being online makes me wonder if that's actually true #delete later