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krqs · 24 days

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omg transbipolar tips please? (if that's ok ofc!) if u do ty sooooo much (and no worries if not! ty anyway 4 being on tumblr :3)

hiii hello :33 heres some transbipolar tips from a cisBP II guything :D

general tips!!

track 👏 your👏 mood 👏!! i'd suggest one mood tracker for the moods/emotions you're actually experiencing (to track progress for example) (i use Daylio, it's great!) & one for the moods/episodes you want to experience! for BP specific moods (mainly depression/mania) i use Bipolar UK!

exaggerate your regular daily moods! if you've been in a good mood all day but suddenly feel a bit down play it up! i've gone from cruising in a very high mood (perhaps even bordering on hypomanic) to absolutely crashing for days because of one bad mood swing :P

hypomania & mania tips!!! (note: ive yet to experience a 100% manic episode, so i dont have as much personal experience there!)

hypomania: hypomania is characterized, for me, by very very high energy, high productivity (but never finishing anything), lots of inspiration & creative drive and feeling wayyy more social than usual!

also, completely losing track of my finances, needing less sleep (like. 2-3hrs & i feel well rested where i usually need 8-9,,), less need for food, almost no actual feelings of hunger (once in a month long ep i only ate One Piece Of Bread per day with the occasional (once a week max) pizza & was "fine") & being more open to drinking (and/or considering trying to get my hands on 'harder' stuff like psychedelics) where i usually straight up dont like alcohol!

i'd recommend going off of what's alr there for you; so if you notice you've been in a pretty good mood recently, say that's a hypomanic episode now! go out a lot (clubbing if you want to/can!), make efforts to meet new ppl & make friends, be very motivated & high energy and do everything (and i mean everything!) in excess (talk fast af & never stop talking, be restless and pace around, constanty occupy yourself w/ smth bcs otherwise you'll be understimulated af)

for mania: crank up everything about hypomania by about 300%. it's like there's a million bees inside your bones, you feel restless cant be still do a thousand things in a day, lose all sense of responsibility & become extremely reckless, either due to your extremely elevated mood or because of delusions or other psychotic symptoms.

oh yeah, psychosis! in a mixed ep i spent a day convinced i had somehow accidentally ingested alcohol (i hadnt)! intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety around it, physical, olfactory & taste-based hallucinations around it, the whole package.

other BP based psychosis ive experienced: visual hallucinations (insects & spiders for me), jumbled & rapid thoughts (it felt different to adhd fast thoughts it was so weird lol)

see this article (link) for other psychotic symptoms during manic (or depressive!) episodes in pwBP!

i'd probably recommend "picking a theme" for delusions & halluciantions & the like, to make it easier to focus on them? tho i havent experienced psychosis enough to know if i have a 'theme' :P

depressive episodes!!

my least favorite (also, i feel like more things are known abt depression) (ALSO- i have seasonal affective disorder too which influences my BP episodes)

depressive episodes mean extreme lethargy for me. im tired 24/7 no matter how much sleep i get (& i'll be getting way more than usual. 10-12 hrs on average with the occasional 13 hrs 🥶).

very little movement. physical, mental, emotional, metaphyical. i often get stuck in bed, if not physically then mentally. spending my day anywhere but in my bed will feel weird & wrong. i will feel pretty numb/wont have access to my emotions anymore & often compltely stop thinking abt & processing my day-to-day life

^ this usually results in strong amnesia around depressive episodes but that might be a plural thing so. take it w a grain of salt lol

depressive episodes also make me self isolate as fuck. im talking forgoing my physical needs if theres a Chance i'll run into my roommate.

oh, yeah, also i just stop taking care of my basic physical as well as i do when balanced. i need to be starving to be able to get up & eat smth, & god forbid i want to actually cook smth rather than eating frozen pizza or eating out/ordering in

i also usually stop doing anything more creative than daydreaming (hashtag immersive daydreaming gang/silly) but even those are less immersive and less frequent. i'll be artblocked 24/7, have no inspiration or motivation and probably wont even miss drawing :P

& thats it! i hope you can find smth usefull in my rambling :3c /gen

and good luck & have fun with your transition!! you have my full support :D /gen

#Anonymous #asks ☀#rqc🌈🍓#radqueer #transid #pro transid #transbipolar

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scaryarcade · 1 year

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are u able to talk more about coming to understand being a median subsystem within a multiple system cuz thats my situation lmao. im very comfortable with my DID cause ive known about it for 8 years but i only started seriously considering being a facet within the past year and recently have been using my name instead of the other name

ive KNOWN about median systems for as long as ive known abt my plurality (we used to id as median bc the plural community on here was awful and shoehorned everyone who didnt fit stereotypical DID displays into that label, but even then we knew it was wrong) but actually understanding being median myself is all new to me. the lack of clear distinction between me and the other facet and what to even refer to ourselves as is frustrating

although, on the other hand its certainly relieving coming to understand this part of myself, especially because i was suppressed for a long time because i didnt really understand what was actually happening and thought it was an unhealthy thing (can elaborate more on that if needed)

P.S. part of the reason i have DID is because i was abused by my psychiatrist when i was a kid so i fucking hate the psych system too 👍 ur a real one u get it

hi yeah i can do my best!

i only really became aware of being a subsystem...i guess it must have been last year, in the spring? i dont think we actually even really were a subsystem before that. we used to be 1 singular alter, who also happened to be the host--we started hosting right around the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. i think the stress of hosting, both internal and external, caused us to fragment. i think trauma processing has contributed to splits in our subsystem as well? i know 🐛 most likely formed to embody & cope with unearthed feelings/memories related to a specific kind of trauma; in kind of the opposite fashion, i think 🎶 formed to avoid and detach from trauma processing.

its really hard to concisely pin down why "median subsystem" feels like the right term as opposed to just "subsystem", so i'm just going to throw out a bunch of random stuff we experience (this got long so i'm putting it under a cut):

our relationships with each other are very different from our relationships with other alters. we feel intrinsically connected, although we can also feel extremely separate from each other & often have high dissociative barriers. communication & control over switches is actually much harder within my subsystem than it is with alters outside it! (i think this is because of a lack of clear distinction, like you mentioned in your ask.) we often conceptualize ourselves as being clones or copies of the same person; we often feel like different versions of one person. most of us use the same name(s). all of these are factors in why we use the term "median" for ourselves

figuring this out has been a long and confusing process. especially because often we DO function as one unit and all kind of blend together. dissociative barriers sometimes greatly diminish when we feel very safe or minimally stressed; on the other hand, when barriers are high, introspection is hard!!! so coming to terms with "sometimes i just won't know what facet i am for sure and that's ok" has been a whole thing.

i will say the number one thing that has helped us distinguish between each other has been starting to understand our switch triggers. we've really only started fully grasping this within the past month or so. but we are reaching a point where we can look at what's going on in our life and what's going on with our emotions/stress and figure out which facet is likely to be here rn to deal with it.

switches in our subsystem tend to be triggered internally when one of us hits some kind of emotional limit. 🐛 tends to stress out and be hypervigilant and defensive to the point where it can't physically function; when it collapses under the weight of that, then i often show up to give us a break bc my default response is to freeze/go numb lol. if we are lethargic/depressed/frozen for too long or feel stifled/trapped by stressors, 🎶 shows up with basically infinite energy and optimism to break us out of that fog. alternatively, if i get overwhelmed by shame/guilt, 🌻 will perceive this as a threat to our safety and show up with all of his defensiveness & prickliness & general misanthropy lmao.

so, anyway, for us, when we're trying to figure out who's who the general question we've landed on is "what has been overwhelming to us recently" and we can usually get a better sense of who's out this way.

ofc idk if any of this will be at all applicable to your situation but i wanted to share my experience in as much detail as i can jsut in case any of this does end up being helpful ^_^

#abyssposting #asks #🛸

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soulcaging · 3 years

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Minttt~ a question for you, sweets. I want you to recall those passions for your muse(s) and tell me why you decided to portray them as a muse. what do you resonate with? what do you feel when you look at your muse(s)? I say muses bc I know you have several akjfsa including all those years ago. thank you xoxo

OOC : ohhh monique, you SPOIL me !! ghfhdg lets see if i can put my thoughts down in a way thatll make sense to literally anyone other than me... lets hope read mores work for those who dont want a block of text ghdfhgh so sorry

when it comes to k/ris, it's always been the intrigue of someone forced against their will to do something, the idea that one day you can wake up and something foreign goes through your day for you. not even because its malicious, but because it wants to know about your life. it's just this fucked up reality k/ris lives in, but thats not the only reason i was so intrigued by them. ive always had an attachment to the human kids in ut, having rp'd them both in the past, but the worth highlighting rn is c/hara. k/ris gave me so much c/hara didnt, they gave me familial bonding and connections one can easily dig their teeth into, it was a lot more... blatant ? and i got so attached to this too. its like... this kid had a life before everything happened in dr, and i just. grabs them. shakes them. theyre SO fun to rp. i have a thing where i cant handle a lot of angst, so someone like k/ris is perfect for me -- theyre struggling with the cosmic horror of the player, sure, but theyre not just that struggle. theyre a kid, they like pranks, they play the piano, they miss their brother, they have friends, they eat things no human should... theyre just. theyre just a human being. and i love everything abt them like theyre my own kid. i care them so fuckign much.

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.................................. well... since you said muses plural, youve activated my trap card ( talking about p/apyrus for more than 2 seconds )

PAP MY GOD DAMN BELOVED. everything about him makes my neurons light up like a god damn christmas light show in the US. its the energy, the facade of confidence, the way his unending friendliness almost comes to his detriment, how he uses his ego to not only lift himself up, but you as well, and !! so much MORE its absolutely impossible for me to say it all !!!! ive loved pap for years now, ive explored almost every valley when it comes to him in my brain, and yet i still find myself so fixated on him. even when i wasnt into ut/dr i would still talk to people about him since i think a LOT abt how its implied pap is really strong. like everyones all fixated on s/ans huh ??? what abt my BOY ????? im sure if he wasnt so friendly and if he didnt have his special attackTM stolen, he wouldve EASILY been as powerful as his brother. maybe more, since paps is the only one out of the two to mention control inputs directly. imagine.... i could genuinely ramble abt pap for years if given the opportunity but i have so many other muses i wanna talk abt so just know this: i love him.

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ah, j/evil, my most recent muse in my endless library of ut/dr muses. its so funny, i only really mused him because i already had a muse similar to him and i listened to the man on the internets version of the world revolving ( 1 hr ver ) on loop for. hm. Too Long. i got attached to him for similar reasons as both k/ris and pap, since in the most odd of ways, hes... a combination of the two ? in a way ??? hes a ball of endless energy, a puppet who doesnt see himself as trapped, not because hes free, but because hes made himself believe he is. also, the way he talks itches so many parts of my brain, i love how distinct it is, how weird it is. hes just a funky lil guy ! hes the one i have least to talk abt, but, hes very enjoyable

----

now its time for me to get emotional over my past, get ready

it all started with me musing s/ans, so in a way, i have him to thank for the fact i even started in this community !! my passion for rping him is all but gone, but i cant forget my roots. then of course, i picked up f/risk and c/hara, and those are when i was REALLY into the community and felt like i had a voice in it. ( im still surprised anyone would notice me, considering i was just a lil 15 y/o with shitty icons LMAO ) this community has always been so good to me, and re-meeting people i met through it ( like you !!! ) is the easiest way for me to feel so, so, so happy. i grew up in this community, starting off as a 15 y/o, but now im 21. isnt that fucking wild ?? thats 6 years !!! and yet im still here, i still consider everyone i met in the community friends, if not family, and if im honest... thats the biggest motivator for me to be here. my silly little family of silly little rpers. <3

#this is long im very sorry #i got very emotional at the end jhdfjgh #thank u monique ilysm <333 #// INBOX. →♡ ⸢ stop mumbling. ⸥#// OOC. →♡ ⸢ human error. ⸥

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identitycris1s · 3 years

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im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:)

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.

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