#ive been fucking swamped with shit but ill see if I can come back and drop something else soon

[fratboykate]

Papicito, we need more of them being apart. The angst must be so juicy when Yelena is in Russia.

Idk if this is “juicy” but it’s...something. Have 3.1k I wrote in like half an hour because it’s been a while and you guys are blowing up my inbox asking for more haha.

///

Kate paces back and forth on the space between her couch and the coffee table. In an attempt to quell her restlessness, she reaches down and kills the half a glass of wine she set down next to her open computer. Once all the liquid is gone, she stares at the empty cup in her hand sullen, huffs, then antsily paces again.

Moments later, the notification of an incoming Facetime call pops up on her laptop screen, along with the accompanying series of melodic dings. Kate freezes and glares at the alert, transfixed by the weight of its meaning. She remains immobile long enough that the call fails. When that happens, Kate snaps out of her trance-like state.

She hastily rushes to the phone that charges atop one of the side tables flanking the couch and sends a two-word, concise text that reads: "Call again."

Soon afterward, another Facetime call alert pops up on the display. Kate initially remains fixed on the spot where she stands, but after a beat of lingering, she rushes to sit across from the computer and clicks the green button right as the call is about to fail again.

Yelena materializes on screen. Despite her hair being in a braid, Kate can tell her blonde locks are longer. The difference in length is significant enough for Kate to know the older woman hasn't had a haircut in the four months she's been gone. However, that’s not the most noticeable change in her appearance. Yelena’s face looks...older. Her features have, without question, aged more than they should have after only not seeing them for a handful of months. Kate surveys her ex-girlfriend intently. The woman staring back at her is indubitably Yelena, but she doesn't look like herself. Even when she was being a curmudgeon, Yelena had a spark. Her spirit was effervescent, but that ebullience Kate has become intimately familiar with is now gone. A piece of Yelena is missing.

After a long, sustained silence where neither makes a sound, Yelena faintly grunts, awkwardly clears her throat, and takes the initiative.

"Hello, Kate Bishop." Yelena utters with apprehension. Kate gapes at the screen, then, after a moment, she rushes to her feet and begins to pace anew, only coming in and out of view as she crosses the camera. "You're going to make one of us dizzy."

Kate bends at the waist, her stoic face ending up an inch away from the camera, effectively filling the entirety of Yelena's screen.

"Don't try to be funny. You don't get to be funny."

"Funny is not what I was going for."

"You left."

"I know."

"You abandoned me."

"I know."

"You abandoned HER. She cried. Every night. For weeks. She refused to sleep because you weren't here to do a story. You could've fucked me over any day and I could've maybe been okay with it, but you hurt her and I can't forgive that."

"I know."

"I can't fucking forgive you."

"That's okay, Kate. I wanted to do this, even if it was so you could scream at me. You deserved that much."

"What I deserved...what she deserved was for you not to bail. That's what we deserved."

"You're right."

Somehow those words exacerbate Kate’s irateness.

"Stop being so fucking agreeable! This isn't you!"

"Everything you're saying is right. There's nothing for me to disagree with."

"Fuck you."

Kate slams the computer shut with fervent spite. She plops onto the cushions, leans back on the couch, and buries her face into her hands. After mere seconds, she reopens her laptop and Facetimes Yelena back. Yelena answers almost immediately.

"You're a piece of shit."

"I am and I'm sorry."

"How long did you know? That you were leaving? How long were you lying to me?"

"I bought and canceled my plane tickets so many times during those months, Kate."

"HOW. LONG?!"

"The last time I bought them? Two weeks before I left."

"Did you ever tell them you weren't going to take the job? Did you ever give them any indication that you might stay?"

"No."

Kate isn’t certain if she should be pleased or upset at the fact that Yelena didn’t hesitate to offer that answer.

"So you didn't lie to them, but you lied to me." Kate scoffs bitterly. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

"You're not."

"I opened up my life to you. Ri's life."

"We knew it was a mistake, Kate. You said we'd cross that bridge when we got there, but we always knew I was leaving."

Kate’s vexation grows exponentially at how blasé Yelena comes across while making that statement.

"You didn't even give me a chance to cross the fucking bridge because you decided to light it on fucking fire!"

"You have every right to hate me."

If Kate were a balloon, all the air would've leaked out of her at the sound of those words. She tips back on the couch and crosses her arms over her chest.

"If I fucking hated you, it wouldn't hurt this much. I wish I hated you. Every day."

"I love you," Yelena remarks without a second thought. 

"Don't say that to me." Kate demands, unflinching. "You lost every right to say that to me."

"I know I did. It doesn't mean it's not true." Yelena takes a beat, then chuckles. "I called your sister. *I* called your sister. Do you have any idea how awkward that conversation was?"

"'Awkward' is not the worst thing you deserve."

"I know."

"Stop with the whole...‘nice’ bullshit. Just stop. It's driving me fucking crazy. Be an asshole. That I know how to deal with."

"I have no reason to be an asshole at the moment."

"That's never stopped you before."

Yelena cracks a smile, but it quickly fades.

"I'm sorry...for everything. I'm sorry, Kate."

"Too late."

"That's fair."

Kate groans, frustrated by Yelena’s newfound affable disposition. 

"I can't deal with this stupid version of you right now."

Kate slams the computer shut yet again, and an instant later, she’s curled up on a ball on the couch, mascara-laden tears staining her forearms and cushions.

---

Days go by. Neither of them attempts to make contact, but this doesn’t mean Yelena isn’t all Kate thinks about. Kate stands by her kitchen counter, absentmindedly staring at the open bottle of wine and the empty glass in front of her. Kate’s mind meanders to one of those mornings when Ereka was away with Tom and Yelena spent hours exploring her body all over this apartment. Kate is regretfully yanked away from the memories of the Russian’s lips roaming her most erogenous spots and back to the dreary present by large, rough hands. The arms snake around her waist and a prickly, bearded face presses against the back of her neck as it peppers her skin with lazy kisses. 

“All her worksheets are done. I triple-checked this time.”

Tom pulls Kate flush against his chest and Kate forces a smile. 

“Thank you.”

Despite her thoughts being elsewhere, Kate’s body betrays her and she instinctively opens up her neck, offering Tom more access to her nape. He gleefully welcomes the reciprocation of affection and leaves a trail of kisses from Kate’s clavicle to her earlobe.

“Dying to be inside you already.” Kate only offers a noncommittal ‘hmmm’ in response. “I love you so goddamn much, KitKat. You make me happy.”

“Did you tell her she needs to take a bath before bed tonight? Non-negotiable.”

Tom nods against Kate’s skin as he continues to press soft kisses behind her ear while he sways their bodies in place.

“She’s picking her pajamas right now. Said she would let me know when she’s ready then we can do bath time.”

“So I’m the only one she gives grief to when it comes to baths. I see.”

“I could do bath time every night if I moved back in.”

Kate forces her head forward, removing his lips from her neck, and endeavors to fill the glass of wine before taking a big gulp. 

“I have to send some emails. Put her hair in a bun and don’t let it get wet. It’s too late for her to have damp hair. I’ll wash it tomorrow.”

Kate tries to extract herself from the embrace, but Tom reels her back, keeping her in place. 

“It’s eight. Why would you need to send emails now?”

“I schedule them for the morning.”

“Or...you could stay right here and send them in the morning.” Kate sighs. Tom spins her around, forcing her to face him. He examines her features intently. “You’re so fucking hot...Hotter than a fajita plate coming out of a restaurant kitchen.”

A faint smile appears on Kate’s face as she rolls her eyes. 

“You’ve been saying that since we were eighteen. You need to find a new line.”

“If it’s not broken, don’t break it.”

Kate exhales and budges, leaning her forehead against his cheek. Tom draws her even closer, pulling her against his toned body before his hands come to rest on her ass.

“A little variety would be nice, tho.”

Tom chuckles and plants a kiss on Kate’s forehead.

“I’ll try to work on it.”

“DADDY! I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT RAINBOWS OR PANDAS!”

Ereka hollers from her room, with a twinge of frustration coating her voice. Tom looks down at Kate. 

“Which one does she like better?”

“Why is she even looking at the rainbows? She hates those pajamas. Thinks they’re itchy and takes them off in the middle of the night, then comes to my bed because she’s cold.”

“DADDY!”

“I’m thinking!” Tom smiles and places a tender peck on Kate’s lips. “Definitely don’t want her in our bed tonight, so...Wear the pandas, bunny bear. That one’s really pretty.”

“OKAY! WE CAN DO BATH NOW!”

“Things she’s never ever everrrrr said to me.” Kate grouses under her breath, making Tom cackle in response.

“I guess daddy has the magic touch because she’s never given me grief about it. I’m the bath time king.”

Kate could refute that assertion by telling him Ereka would go as far as volunteering for baths if Yelena was in charge of the morning or bedtime routine, but she’s not cruel, so she won’t.

“Unreal.” Kate takes a step back and shoves Tom in the direction of the bedrooms. “Go. Go. Before she changes her mind...I need to shower too but I’ll come in for a story.”

Tom nods and steals one last kiss before begrudgingly tearing himself away from Kate and jogging to Ereka’s bedroom. By the giggling and shrieking that swiftly fills the apartment, Kate knows he starts tickling the little girl the moment he gets to her. 

Kate sighs and hangs her head. She’ll never complain about her daughter laughing; she merely wishes the person making her laugh was someone else. Alas, that is an impossibility because that someone is currently thousands of miles away. 

Kate wipes the corner of her eye, removing the stray tear that threatened to escape before it ever got a chance to. Once the tears start, it’s hard to make them stop and her night is not over. She can’t allow herself to go there. Not yet.

---

Tom hovers by the door while he slides his jacket on. His hair is disheveled, his lips are plump from kissing, and that mark on his neck might look faint now, but it'll be decidedly glaring come morning. Kate might have let her frustrations out a little TOO hard on that one.

Tom closes the distance and kisses Kate with abandon. She allows it and Tom seizes the opportunity, stretching the moment out while she doesn't pull herself away. Before long, the intensity starts to escalate. 

"I can come back inside. I want to. I want you." 

Tom mumbles between kisses, but Kate shakes her head then breaks the kiss.

"I have work to do."

Kate takes a firm step back. 

“If you let me stay until morning, I could take breakfast duty off your plate. She loves my pancakes.”

“I’m not having this conversation again.”

Tom tuts histrionically.

“I just don’t understand the rules for when I’m allowed to sleep over and when I’m not. And I don’t get how her waking up to me here is any more confusing than going to bed with me here?”

“If you’re going to do this every time, then bedtime privileges might go away. You can’t be here when she wakes up and that’s always going to be my final answer.”

Tom offers a forlorn sigh and leans to sneak in one last kiss while bringing his hands to his groin to readjust the newly formed erection he’s now forced to go home with.

"Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Sure. Yeah."

“I love you, KitKat.”

“Put your gloves on. It’s cold.”

Kate offers an empty smile and closes the door as soon as he’s an inch beyond the threshold.

---

Kate sits in bed with her computer on her lap. Miffed by the poor quality of the work, she selects and deletes everything she’s typed. From the corner of her eye, Kate peeks at the charging phone on her nightstand. She turns her attention to the clock on her computer. 12:47 AM. That means it's almost 9:00 AM in Russia. Yelena is doubtlessly awake.

Kate is unsure of what comes over her, but she pushes her computer away, reaches for the phone, and Facetimes Yelena.

Kate readjusts her hair and shirt multiple times, yet the call goes unanswered. Kate is markedly crestfallen and marginally piqued. She tosses the phone aside and grumbles under her breath. She doesn’t have to be peeved for long, seeing as not two minutes later, Yelena's face pops up on her phone. Kate swiftly answers the incoming call. The brunette is not able to get a word in and downplay her motives because Yelena is talking as soon as the call connects. 

"Hey. Are you okay? Is everything okay?"

Kate picks up on the genuine concern in Yelena's voice and how flustered she looks. It softens her on the spot.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm...yeah...I don't know why I called. Sorry."

"No. No. It's okay."

"I'm sure I interrupted your morning."

"You didn't."

"Where are you? Why are you whispering?"

"Hiding in some cafe bathroom. I was walking to work but walking down the street having a loud conversation in American English right now is...uh...not smart. Especially for me. For many reasons. This was the closest private place I could find."

"So I did interrupt your morning."

Yelena snickers with a smile.

"Minor detour."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that I might be putting you in danger."

"Don't apologize. Things are just...complicated."

"Are you safe?...Really?"

Yelena ponders for a beat, then nods. 

"I'm not in any immediate danger...That I know of."

Kate’s chest tightens at the idea of any harm coming to Yelena.

"That's not reassuring."

"There are many reasons why it's not entirely safe for me here, Kate."

"And yet you still left." The words come out exponentially more bitter than Kate intended.

"I knew that before I ever got on a plane. It's a choice I made because it's all bigger than me."

"Right. Sure."

Kate and Yelena sit silent for a long moment, neither knowing where to take the conversation from here.

"I have to go, Kate. But I'm glad I got to see you and hear your voice."

"Yeah. I'm sorry I bothered you. Have a good day."

Kate is about to hang up when...

"Kate...Kate...wait. Please. First, you didn't bother me. You're never a bother."

"If the you from a few months ago could hear you now."

They both laugh and for a split second, the heaviness dissipates.

"Okay, maybe 'never' is a stretch, but you definitely weren't a bother today." Kate nods in silence and Yelena dawdles, working up the courage to get to the next thing she wants to say. "I know I lost every right to ask and I'll understand if you don't answer, but...how is she? Is she okay?"

Yelena sees Kate harden, if only ever so slightly.

"She's fine."

That's all Kate offers.

"Okay. Good. She's a good kid."

"She is."

"I really have to go."

Kate hesitates but ultimately relents, allowing her concern to reveal itself for a fleeting second. 

"Please stay safe."

"I'll do my best."

Yelena flashes an honest grin before ending the call.

---

Some sixty hours pass and Kate has not managed to get a second of sleep. The idea of Yelena being in any danger has perturbed Kate to the point of insomnia. Regardless, the exhaustion she now carries down to her bones is not why she hasn’t heard a single word that’s been said in this meeting. The reason is that Yelena’s smile is seared in her mind’s eye since she saw it again a little over two days ago. It’s been impossible to think about anything except wanting, NO...needing, to see it once more. 

Kate is unable to control herself and picks up the phone that sits face down on the conference table to shoot a quick text.

TEXT: "Still alive?"

Kate’s heart rate accelerates when the three dots promptly appear in the app. She fidgets with her fingers as Yelena types whatever response she’s composing. 

Yelena fires back a photo of herself in boxers and a tank top in what must be her new apartment. Everything in the background is still mostly boxed up, but Kate recognizes a few things that aren't. Yelena sits on the floor, surrounded by open folders filled with papers in every direction.

TEXT: "My body? Yes. My mind and spirit? Not so much. Russian law is even more tedious than American. Also, I'm learning that my Russian was either not as good as I thought or way rustier than I want to admit because I waste hours translating things and they still don't make sense half the time."

Kate’s lips inadvertently curve upwards as she studies the image. The smile is still present when she begins to type her response.

TEXT: "Just needed to make sure you weren't dead and buried in some remote oil field."

TEXT: "Still kicking. No one’s going to be using my liquefied remains to power up their post-apocalyptic truck in a few thousand years."

Kate musters up a smidge of self-control and stops herself from replying. At least she's reassured that Yelena is safe and that knowledge alone is enough for the younger woman to feel some of the tension she’s been holding onto melt away from her body.

This exchange is the catalyst for the routine of Kate checking in every day to ensure Yelena is alive. This ostensibly innocuous interaction leads to them talking more and more, which in turn leads to the eventual rekindling of their relationship. 

#ive been fucking swamped with shit but ill see if I can come back and drop something else soon #keep sending the asks i have good stuff to come back to and answer i just need to find the time #kymaup #kymau #anonymous #answers

[blookmallow]

some brotherhood stuff, some more vampires, Other Things 

i was out adventuring with cicero and lost track of him for a while so i went to check on him to make sure he was okay bc i absolutely will not be able to live with myself if i kill him on accident 

i retraced my steps and could not fucking find him anywhere and couldn’t even hear him (usually his. constant singing and chattering is a great help in locating him lmao) 

but then i finally found his life aura 

ALL THE FUCKING WAY UP THERE, FOR SOME REASON, 

wHY ARE YOU UP HERE. HOW DID YOU GET HERE. CICERO. 

he wasn’t talking anymore either and was just like. staring at me. standing in a cliffside. i eventually got him down and he was fine (after phasing through rocks a few times) but im just

cicero. my love. why have you done this 

nazir you are going to show him some goddamn RESPECT and he will dance as much as he pleases this is my organization now 

later i went back to visit the destroyed brotherhood sanctuary to pay my respects, as you do, and there was a fuckign penitus occulatus guy just hanging around here. get the FUCK OUT OF HERE haven’t you done ENOUGH

and ever since i lost shadowmere (i still can’t find him. i dont know what to do at this point) ive been coming back here to see if he’ll respawn from his swamp or something and every time there’s another guy here. why are you still here i will kill every single one of you

and i have been. it’s now my personal mission to kill as many of these guys as i can im starting a collection of their armor every time i kill one

i don’t remember where everyone else’s bodies were but astrid is gone now. the flower i dropped beside her is still there but i want to know what happened to her body. did someone steal it,

the only one left is festus stuck to the tree outside. there’s nothing here anymore but it still makes me so sad 

then i got one of the recurring minor contract quests to kill off some official in solitude (which was actually an interesting job. i stopped doing them for a while bc it was always just like “kill this hunter who’s just standing in the woods” i want the CHALLENGE i want ‘kill a target in the middle of a busy city without getting caught’) and i was all set up in my spot out of sight with my poisoned arrows ready to go and then 

CHILD. NOW IS NOT THE TIME :’ ) :’ ) 

(she didn’t catch on to what i was doing and i did complete the quest without getting caught. by my daughter or anyone else lmao) 

ive been picking off all the agents in solitude whenever i see them as well. i havent been caught yet and the guards mostly react to it with mild surprise 

ah. that might be why 

i DID get called out once even though i didn’t have a bounty or anything so i shouldn’t have been seen, i don’t remember who sent this i think it was one of the bard ladies at the college, but like. i went to talk to her and she didn’t have any different dialogue or anything. this didn’t go anywhere,

i dont remember what happened here, this must’ve been another brotherhood contract or something but i love how everyone just like, goes back to whatever they were doing after they notice a corpse sitting there. like. look at them they don’t even care 

i love this guy. i dont know if he actually has a casual symbiotic relationship with The Actual Arkay or if he’s just fully convinced he does but either way i support whatever it is he’s doing with his life 

hahahaha you know how it is with arkay. always a joker 

serana keeps finding dead bodies everywhere we go somehow or another she is just constantly making zombies lmao 

this guy was a dead-when-we-got-there victim in a cave somewhere and she just. brought him out with us. he turned into ash pretty soon after but like. let the poor guy rest, 

god damn it why can serana raise a random dead prisoner but i can’t reanimate the corpse of one of my brotherhood torture victims. unfair

but then i did some quest at some point where there were all these vigilants of stendarr who were under some spell that turned them all hostile, so basically i just had to fight them all off 

I GOT ONE 

I MADE A ZOMBIE I DID IT 

i dont understand why i can resurrect like. someone who was clearly a fighter possibly a mage in life but Random Nord We Had As A Torture Subject For Some Reason is too powerful. ok 

HOWEVER 

FOR SOME REASON, maven sent me an inheritance letter??? they didnt even have a name. its just Charmed Vigilant. im guessing this had to have been because one of them was my undead thrall for a while but i still definitely killed them myself initially before the spell ran out and disintegrated them. why did i get 300 gold for killing an unnamed npc. whats going on here 

i dont remember if i mentioned it before but i had this weird empty side room in riften and didnt understand why it was there but was like heheheh im gonna fill this room with bloody rags and hearts and weird shit 

BUT THEN suddenly i gained a housecarl out of nowhere, i dont know why she wasn’t here before or why it took her so long to appear, but this room spontaneously just morphed into Her Room Now and fucked up all my stuff i was SO mad 

i dont remember what all i had in here, some of it was just on the floor or on furniture or whatever but im pretty sure some things got lost in the void and ill never know what they were. i dont think i left anything valuable in here but still

also this house is really really small so she was just. Constantly in my way, too

then i had her with me and tried to break into the east empire warehouse to do a thieves guild thing, figured she’s my riften housecarl, maven’s the jarl of riften, iona probably knows what’s up, right, but no she was all “bluhhh you’re not supposed to be in here >:(” and i was trying to sneak around the guards to avoid causing a scene but SHE kept just running in and MURDERING them, so i mean, i may have broken into a place im not supposed to be, but SHE was the one doing murders, and anyway there was, uh, this. very tragic accident, you see, and somehow she just didn’t make it. couldn’t have been prevented. very sad. can’t imagine how this could have happened. nothing i could do 

brynjolf your elixir sucks. this is literally less useful than like, a cabbage

how did you... lock... a satchel  

#lucy plays skyrim #scooby dooby queue

[ladylilibet]

Tainted Love|Chapter 2.

I/II/III/IV/V

Tainted Love – How can you tell a lady no? The White Wolf claimed he needed no one, but his collection of misfits started with Lady Helena of Oxenfurt… and ended with her, too.

                                  Chapter II: 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝖂𝖎𝖙𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖗'𝖘 𝕻𝖊𝖙

Geralt sat on his knees, lips pursed and eyes closed. The glow of the firelight illuminated the scars that etched his face. His white brow twitched with every crack and pop of the fire. He looked serene -- beautiful.

"Quit staring at me."

Aah, there he is.

Helena sat up with an exhalation, "I can't sleep."

Geralt's eyes fluttered half-open, "You're safe. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Rest."

She dismissed his comment with a wave and a chuckle, "I'm not comfortable. I don't think I've ever slept on the ground before. I regret these clothes, and unlike you, I didn't get a bath." He opened his mouth to speak, but sly interrupted him, "I know, I know. I signed up for this and can't bemoan."

"Actually, I was going to say that if you had wanted a bath, then you could have joined me." My eye-roll at his comment was received with a smirk, "At the next town, I promise you'll get a bed and a bath. Change of clothes, too."

"Geralt,"

"Lena?"

"I'm surprised you're not taunting me... For living pampered."

"We cannot help the lives in which we are born. You, a lady. I, a Witcher." He closed his eyes once more, "Daybreak is in a few hours. Try to sleep until then."

She awoke to the chill of the morning, the fire having been stomped out. Geralt was already awake and tending to Roach, the camp already packed up. She brushed her hair with her fingers before putting it in a braid. She stood and did some stretches before going to walk away from the camp.

"Where are you going?" Geralt called after her, making the girl stop and turn around.

"I'd like to freshen up in the lake."

"Wouldn't do that if I were you." Geralt tightened Roach's saddle before looking to me.

"And why's that?"

"Hate for you to be a kikimore's breakfast."

She scrunched up my nose and shuddered before walking back to Geralt, "Mm, no thank you."

The Witcher placed his hands on her hips. Before she was able to protest, he lifted me off the ground and placed her into the mare's saddle.

"Stay, take care of Roach." He reached into the saddle's bag and procured vials of potions, "Duties call."

"I'm not a little girl, Geralt." She protested, "I can handle myself."

Geralt hummed and walked off without answering.

Roach bucked and whinnied from underneath her, startled by something. Helena tried to calm her by stroking her mane but to no avail. After a few moments of nothing, a sharp whistle pierced the deafening silence. A summoning for Roach caused her to start trotting at full speed, launching her forward. Helena gripped the horse's neck for stability as she rushed to the source of the whistle.

They arrived at the bogs to find Geralt, soaked and panting, his trophy dead beside him. Geralt pressed his forehead to Roach's.

"Was she a good girl?"

Helena peered down at him, noticing how filthy he looked, "Yeah, she was fine. A little nervous, I guess."

He pulled away from the horse with a laugh, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Roach."

Geralt took a fresh cloak from his saddlebag and wore it. She looked to him inquisitively to find black pools staring back. Already inhuman eyes have morphed into that of a demon's. She gulped involuntarily and moved her gaze ahead.

Geralt grunted and climbed onto the horse's back behind her. He grabbed her reigns and rested his hands on her upper thighs. She trembled under his touch, but he didn't relent. He motioned for Roach to move forward, and her gait with him pressed up against her back caused her to blush. The stench of the kikimora behind him killed any unladylike thought she possessed.

"Do I frighten you, Helena?" He gently asked, breath hot against her ear.

"Don't tease me, Geralt."

They rode in silence during the ride to Blaviken before reaching an Inn. He dismounted and extended a hand to me, which she declined. She shifted and swung her right leg over and hopped off.

"Do you forget that I'm a Lady? The daughter of a Duke?" She asked with a grin.

"Your snores last night have me convinced otherwise." He replied as he pulled a piece of paper from his cloak. She swatted his arm as she followed him into the Inn.

The commotion of the bar came to a standstill as all eyes landed on Geralt. If the people muttering about his mutations bothered him, he didn't let it show as he stepped up to the bar maiden.

He placed the piece of paper on the counter, "Point me to the Alderman."

"It's down the alley, to the left--" She began to direct him, but was quickly interrupted by a bald man.

"Isadora!" He chastised her, making her runoff. He turned to Geralt with a glare, eyes briefly flickering over to Helena as well, "We don't want your kind around here, Witcher . Take your whore and be on your way."

She scoffed and stepped forward, an insult at the ready, but Geralt put a hand out, stopping her.

"The Alderman. Tell me where he is, and we'll be on our way."

"You don't give the orders 'round here, you mutant son of a bitch." A drunkard spat out behind them. She could feel her face heat up in anger, yet Geralt showed no emotion.

"Hear that?" The barkeep spoke once more, "Go. On your own, or on the end of a rope. Your choice."

Geralt pursed his lips and shrugged, "Not a hard choice." He replied as he sized the men that were beginning to gang up on him.

"Fuck that. Kill 'em with your bare hands if you have to."

"Men and their egos," Helena hissed, wishing she had a dagger hidden underneath my skirt. She took a step back and crossed her arms with a sigh

"Come on. Yer not scurred of us, are ya, Witcher?" The instigator's heavy accent questioned, "Show us what'cha made of."

"Can you not leave it alone for a moment?" A woman exasperatedly asked. Finally, some sense.

"Witchers cannot be trusted ."

"I'm not speaking to you," She replied, voice unfaltering. "I apologize for my man's interference in your day. Hopefully , he can improve his behavior by tomorrow's market."

The small man backed down, "Sorry, Renfri. Come on, lads."

Renfri turned back to the bar, "Beer for my friend here and his wife, and one for me."

Helena raised a brow and looked to Geralt, mouthing the word 'wife.' She received a half-smile in response as he took off his hood, white locks on display. She sat on a stool, but the barkeep didn't ease up. He remained stone-faced, arms crossed.

"I am speaking to you now, good sir." Renfri's voice was stern and commanding, and Helena could feel herself grow envious of her. Helena was raised to be submissive, to bite her tongue, yet this woman is fighting for the honor of a stranger.

The barkeep slammed two mugs of ale in front of them and stomped off.

"Want some breakfast?" The brunette asked as she ate a bite of potato.

"No thanks," Geralt answered, "We're full. Venison." Helena quirked a brow as he smirked at an inside joke she wasn't apart of.

She took a swig of her ally sputtering and choking on the ill taste. Suddenly , she missed the drinks they'd serve at the villa. Her theatrics were met with a golden-eyed glare. It was interrupted by Renfri chugging her drink and slamming the mug down.

She sheepishly looked at both of their amusement, "My mother, God rest her, would be mortified ."

"Our secret, then." Geralt's flirty tone sent pangs through her stomach. Pangs and delusions that sly tried to drown with beer.

"So what brings you to Blaviken, White Hair? You came for a monster?"

"We were traveling by the swamp."

"That would be your wife and your mistake, then."

"I'm not his wife," Helena spoke for Geralt and took another drink, "Consider him an escort -- a bodyguard." She could see the tension in the Witcher's shoulders practically evaporate, happy for the correction . Their tones switched to more playful and flirty, and she was suddenly feeling more like a third wheel.

"Aah, you two don't seem to be a match," Renfri replied, which felt more like a dig if anything. She turned her sights back to Geralt, "Why wouldn't you travel by main roads?"

"It's hard to make a living on main roads."

"And you desperately need money for new clothes." She noted her and Geralt's empty mugs as Helena still nursed mine before asking for two more beers. The foul taste coated the lady's mouth, but at least it was something to fill her stomach. The barkeep, sick of her patronizing, left her the whole pitcher.

"More and more," She began as she topped my drink off and poured Geralt a fresh mug, "I find monsters wherever I go." The sexual tension between the two was thick but was cut short by a child popping up between us.

"Where is your mother?" I questioned the young girl with a furrowed brow.

She huffed and ignored me, turning her focus to Geralt, "How much coin for your kikimora, then?" Geralt followed the child out of the inn, peering over her like a giant.

She turned to Renfri with a small curtsy and thanked her for the drinks.

"Word of the wise, Lady...?"

"Helena."

"Lady Helena, you might want to change out of those clothes if you're to be traveling with a Witcher. Your clothes scream wealth, your doe eyes say you're still a virgin. Not a pleasant combination with the men around here."

"Uhm, thanks. I guess." She waved goodbye and caught up with the pair, just in time to hear about the little girl killing a rat with her fork.

"My mother nearly fainted, but what was I supposed to do? It had been shitting in our pantry for days." She explained as Geralt led us to Roach.

"Your language is abhorrent." The elder girl scolded and the child stuck her tongue out in response. Frustrated, Helena stuck her tongue out too.

Ignoring their antics, Geralt advanced back to the subject on hand, "You mentioned coin."

The little girl ran ahead to be closer to him, "Yes. Isadora said you were looking for my father. She's a gossip, you see."

The kikimora claw was exposed as it sat slouched over the horse saddle, dripping blood. The girl went immediately to investigate the monster. Helena opted to greet Roach with a scratch behind the ear, zoning out the conversation.

"Fine, take me to him." Geralt grabbed Helena's arm to get her attention. He handed her a satchel of coins, "Get us clothes and necessities. Nothing lavish. Meet me back here in a few hours."

After they departed, Helena walked through the market. Despite it being full of people, and she felt a sense of loneliness.

'Have I ever been by myself? No maids by my side, no escorts in the shadows. Just me.' She thought. A smile formed on her lips -- she felt free.

She looked over the purchases that occupied her satchel. Garlic, flaxseed, valerian root, lavender, rosemary, and mint. With Geralt being mutant and able to take potions, her nursing and herbalism weren't bound to be super useful to Geralt . Despite this, she wanted to show her worth. Besides, it didn't hurt to have on hand.

'I should get some needle and thread too.' She thought, remembering the Witcher's scars and walked off to the tailor's shop.

"Afternoon, ma'am." An older woman greeted from her stool as she walked in, "How might I help ya?"

"I need a new dress."

She squinted and stood up to inspect the lady's current threads, "Why this dress itself looks brand new!"

"Aah, that's because it is," Helena confessed, embarrassed, " Just needs a wash. I need clothes for travel."

She still looked confused but shook it off and clucked her tongue, going around the girl in a circle. "I can give you a pretty coin for the dress." The tailor took her to the back and instructed her to undress. She did as she requested, standing now in only her shift. The seamstress reached out, rubbing the material.

"Satin," She told her, "But I'd like to keep this."

"Suit yourself," She shrugged, gathering the dress at Helena's feet and taking it to the side for washing.

She brought only a few garments back. Helena settled for the first outfit she tried on. A white tunic that exposed my shoulders and had beautiful bell-sleeves. The top tucked into a long, wine-colored skirt and paired with a leather under breast corset. She was showing more skin and at this moment, she knew her mother would be cross.

She felt lighter and did a slight twirl, making the skirt lift. She sighed content and thanked the tailor. She opted to buy a heavy cloak -- it felt itchy on her skin, but it was cheaper than fur-- and a pair of walking boots. The older woman gave change and they parted ways.

Helena still had time before she needed to meet Geralt. She still had some coins left, so she continued to walk around, breaking her shoes in.

And that's when it caught her eye: a wooden, Elven longbow. With no hesitation, she walked to the shopkeep, slammed the coins on the counter, and took the bow. A sword was too heavy, and she rather an enemy not get close enough to use a dagger. She wasn't great at archery, but she knew how to shoot, and that made her a step better than a damsel in distress.

Geralt was already outside the inn with Roach when she arrived. Helena's face hurt from smiling so much. She gave him what coins she had left. He briefly looked her up and down before picking her up and placing her in the saddle.

"Wait," She protested with a pout, "I thought we were staying in the inn tonight."

He hopped onto Roach behind her and said nothing as he led them out of town.

"You promised a bath and bed," She whined and looked behind her.

"Stop talking." He sharply commanded.

She bit her lip and focused on the path. They stayed quiet during the ride. A few minutes in, she felt Geralt pull the top of her sleeve up, covering the exposed skin.

She sighed and stayed quiet.

They continued to stay silent as they set up our camp in the woods. Geralt tended to Roach as Helena stoaked the fire, getting it ready to make dinner.

"Want to hear about my first monster?" The Witcher finally turned to her and spoke.

She exhaled deeply and threw her fire poker down. She had thought he was different than her mother and father. Yet here he was, mood swings and silent treatments. Though still curious. she gave him a meek nod, waiting to listen to his story.

"Wasn't fifty miles outside of Kaer Morhen. He was huge. Stinking. Baldhead. Rotten teeth. He pulled that girl from the cart, tore her dress off in front of her father and said, 'It's time you met a real man.' I told him it was time he met one too. It took two strikes to kill him. They weren't clean. But they were spectacular. I turned to that girl afterward. She was drenched in the man's blood. She took one look at me, screamed, vomited, and passed out."

He sat down on the log beside her and took over the dinner preparations, "I thought the world needed me."

"It does." Helena murmured, opting to look at the fire and not him, "You're a hero."

"Funny. They don't think I am."

"I do." She turned to look at him this time, "Do you believe in destiny?"

He chuckled as he continued to muddle his herbs, "No."

"Then what do you believe in?"

"You mean who do I believe in."

She shrugged and fixed her sleeves. "Oxenfurt is home to many intelligent minds. But none intelligent enough to slay The Oxenfurt Drunk. But not you. With payment, a meal at the Duke and Duchess's home. You could have refused. But you went."

Geralt looked to her with a small smile, "Lady Helena, I told you. I didn't do it for you, I did it for coin."

"I know," She laughed, "But yet we still met. Destiny or not, being with you has been freeing. I was meant to meet you."

He says nothing as his eyes scan her face. After a moment of agonizing anticipation waiting for him to take the lead. A rush of bravery flows through her and she leaned in and kiss him. The first kiss was sweet, gentle for her first. But as he deepened the kiss, it felt full of want and desire. He pulled her into his lap and began flowering kisses along my neck and collarbone. Sometimes leaving behind small bites. As he's kissed the peaks of her breast, he grabbed her hips and rubbed up against her.

She took a shaky breath as panic sets in and she bit her lip. Geralt can sense this and immediately stops.

He pulls back and looks at her with concern in his eyes, "Lena, what's wrong?"

"I'm just tired," She lied.

He nods and pulls her into a hug. The small, chaste intimacy causes a wave of relief to flood over me. He scoops her up and lays her on his sleeping mat before laying down beside her. He undoes her braid and plays with her hair.

As Helena fell asleep, she prayed that he one day believes in destiny too.

Chamomile and bergamot.

Such an intense scent that flooded Geralt's nostrils. A smell that was calming and intoxicating all at once. New yet familiar. Something he remembered long before his training at Kaer Morhen.

Geralt could feel the rise and fall of Helena's breathing as she slept soundly . It's been a while since he had the privilege to lay beside a woman. A decent brothel was few and far between. It's been even longer since he laid by a woman he didn't need to pay.

The Witcher hadn't slept well. Bad dreams haunted him all night. Nightmares he was sure would manifest soon. Yet Geralt knew if he continued to lie here, Helena would lull him to sleep.

He opened tired eyes to gaze at her sleeping form. She was young -- he was willing to wager that she was barely a day over eighteen. Freckles dotted milky white skin like constellations in the night sky. With her brown hair and matching eyes, she reminded him of a deer. Demure and naive, the fawn wandered into the White Wolf's den.

Helena had an air to her that put Geralt at a crossroads. She had an innocence he wanted to protect but also wanted to claim for himself. To take the innocence of a duke's daughter, an engaged one at that, made him feel dirty and excited all at once. To watch her clutch the sheets as he entered her for the first time, her walls feeling sinfully tight as he pushed past her barrier . Her rose petal lips crying out, moaning his name --

"Geralt,"

Geralt froze, worried she had felt him grow hard against her. He cursed the parts that still made him human. A whore's embrace couldn't come sooner.

"Geralt," Helena repeated, this time rolling over to face him. "What's for breakfast?"

The question made him laugh and grounded him. There were other matters to attend to. First and foremost , Renfri and his premonition.

Helena's quiver hung uncomfortably at her side, strapped to her hip by its leather belt, wooden bow in her left hand . Geralt had told her if she were to use a bow and arrow, she'd need to get used to holding it. When he asked if she ever used a bow before, she laughed it off and assured him she did.

What she failed to mention was that she always came last in her archery course, never quite able to make the mark. But what did it matter? It was only for a sense of security. She'd leave the monster hunting to the Witcher.

"She knew you'd come." The instigator from the inn spoke out from across the market.

"Where's Renfri?" Geralt asked, suddenly making it clear to Helena he had lied. They didn't come back for breakfast. They came for Renfri. She adjusted the bow in her hand, now afraid she'd need to use it.

"She's at the tower with your little friend, Marilka."

Helena scowled. Surely Renfri wouldn't subject a child to this, even one of the likes of Marilka.

"She gave us a message to pass on to you," Another henchman spoke, "You have to choose the lesser evil."

"It's an ultimatum," A third stated as he grabbed his sword, the steel gleaming, "Get it?"

Geralt stood in front of Helena, acting as a wall between her and the men.

"Fuck," He uttered as he retrieved his sword in time to deflect an arrow shot from a crossbow.

The following events happened in such a whirlwind that it made Helena feel light-headed . She had heard men swap war stories, most of which she had assumed were fabricated or at the very least embellished . But she had never witnessed death itself, let alone a massacre.

As Geralt began killing his opponents in such a fluid motion, one after the other, it made the girl retch. The distraction made her an easy target as one of the men came up behind her, a dagger passed firmly to her back.

"I ain't gonna hurt ya," He promised using his free hand to push back her hair, exposing her neck. "Could get me a pretty coin for the Witcher's whore."

Helena could feel the adrenaline rush through her, her heartbeat thudding loudly in her ear . She spun around and tried to gain the upper hand. A bow would do no good at this moment -- too close, too slow. She went to punch him in the face, but a large hand clamped over her delicate fist. In her peripheral, she could see him ready to stab her. She swiftly deflected him with her forearm, feeling the blade cut through her skin.

Helena let out a yell and kneed him as hard as she could in the groin, causing him to push her down. As she lay on her back, the man reared the dagger back, aiming to stab her. Using her leather boots, she began pedal-kicking her attacker until finally, she was able to kick the blade out of his hand .

With the weapon out of reach, the man swore and threw himself on top of her, and pressed his forearm against her neck. She tried to call for Geralt but no sound could escape as he crushed her windpipe. Panic began to consume her, but as she struggled for air, she was ready to give in. She had wanted adventure and this was the cost.

No, no, no.

She wasn't ready. She had more that needed to be done . With what fight she had left, she took an arrow from her a quiver and shoved the steel tip through his right eye, deep until the wooden shaft broke . He let go of his hold of her and doubled over while trembling and seizing.

Helena scrambled to her feet and grabbed her bow. She quickly ran to where Geralt was fighting, just in time to witness him decapitate a man with his sword. She wanted to scream, cry, anything, but the pain and fear prevented her.

She stood helpless, her body shaking and her knees weak. Marilka sobbed and called out of Geralt as Renfri held a sword to the little one's neck. Renfri's eyes scanned the area to see dead bodies of her men littered the marketplace.

"You chose."

"Let the girl go." Geralt told her, placing his sword to his side to negotiate with her as he took a step towards them.

Renfri pressed her blade closer to Marilka's neck, "I will kill her," She threatened, tears forming in her eyes," I will kill everyone here until Stregobor comes down ."

Geralt produced the Axii symbol, "Leave Blaviken."

"Magic doesn't work on me... Silver does, though."

"Silver is for monsters," Geralt spat back. Renfri tossed Marlika to the side and drew her sword to the opening position.

The little girl ran to Helena who checked her over for injuries. When she had seen that she had none, the older girl wrapped her in an embrace.

"If we cross swords..." Geralt began, but Renfri finished for him."

"I won't be able to stop."

As the pair began to duel, Helena tried to block the girl from witnessing it. She tried to get her to run home, but Marilka refused and stood firm as tears ran down her face.

Helena hugged her, but when the clashing of metal came to an end, the young girl fought out of her arms and ran once her master called .

Helena followed close behind her and saw Renfri dead on the ground, and Geralt holding up to Stregobor's neck .

"If you touch a single hair on her head, yours will be on the ground next." The white-haired man hissed.

"Have you gone mad?" The mage questioned, "Her mutation, it influences people. That's how she got these men to follow her. We need to take it." After seeing he couldn't reason with the other man, he asked, "She got to you too, didn't she?"

"Do. Not. Touch. Her." The white wolf demanded, fangs bared.

"Witcher," Stregobor began aloud rallying in the town, "You butchered bodies in the streets of Blaviken ."

"You're a beast!"

"You endangered these girls!" Another shouted.

The crowd became agitated and the mage continued to egg them on, "You took the law into your own hands."

The shouts of the townspeople grew more vehement as stones were cast at Geralt. He kneeled down as the rocks pelted him. Helena crouched beside him and put a tender hand on his shoulder. At that moment, she made her choice too.

"Get out of Blaviken, Geralt," Marilka commanded. "Don't ever come back."

Geralt and Helena sat back to back in the bathhouse's tub. She had finally gotten her hot bath he had promised. She was relieved to be able to wash off her travels and to soak her aching muscles in the warm water. Her marking on her arm was superficial. The dagger had barely grazed her, but she could still see the guilt the scratch brought Geralt.

The pair had been silent since leaving Blaviken. What was there to be said ? They had stopped at the bathhouse a few towns over where the news had not yet spread. She had followed silent instructions to undress and get in the water as the man had given her privacy before doing the same . Any other time, she might blush at the fact that she was sitting nude beside him, but she didn't care. She was too exhausted, too drained.

"What are you thinking about?" Helena finally broke the silence, voice still hoarse, still trembling.

Geralt tensed against her and sighed before speaking, "We're only two days from Oxenfurt . We'll leave the first thing at daybreak."

She didn't feel like begging or pleading, but she knew she wasn't going to go back. Not now, not after that.

"No." She replied curtly .

"I wasn't asking --"

"Neither was I." She stepped out of the tub and grabbed her towel, wrapping it around her. "You're not who they say you are, Geralt of Rivia."

Before Geralt could open his mouth to speak, she interrupted him once more, "I'm not going anywhere so you might as well get used to me ."

#witcher fanfiction #witcher oc #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction #geraltxoc

[emsartwork]

Some asks!

1. Thank you! honestly a lot of the reason why ive produced so much for this show is because everybody is really involved and supportive. I’d love to develop my own show but also ayyyyyy ignio strafi my main man hmu whenever you wanna reboot the sparkly babes. @iamanemotionaltimebomb 2. Thank you!!! i love giving characters defining traits, and even though i understand it makes animation harder/more time consuming i think it really adds to the show. 3. i didn’t do anything to them?? i think tumblr was like.... glitching out with some of my posts tho cus i would look for stuff i had saved on my personal blog and not be able to find things i knew should be there so it might be that. I’ll go back in my archive and make sure its tagged appropriately tho  4. personally i think the fairy forms top off power wise at enchatix, and then its just changing uniforms for different jobs. like you wouldn’t wear a lab coat to fight a fire and you wouldn’t wear a fire suit to mix chemicals 5. So if the island is big or has actual seasons(ex. Britain, Japan, fuckin Australia/New Zealand technically) they would just be either Silva or Mare Lynpheans. but i could see small tropical islands having their own subset yeah, @just-kairi

6. Not a bother at all! I’m planning on doing a full villains set as the next thing, im glad people are looking forward to it ^-^ 7. I’m gonna be doing the pixies for sure! I haven’t watched pop pixie at all, but for a while there I thought pixies were all female and elves were a separate all male species lol, i might just do that since the pixies are supposed to reproduce asexually(i heard??). @weirdghostly (i can’t tag u???) 8. yes! when i did believix redesigns i didn’t really think about it but I’m planning on revisiting them and adding sophix/lovix and the alternate wings.  9.  I don’t actually.... I’m already running one webcomic and i’m not much of a writer lol so i haven’t really mushed everything together for my winx ideas. I’ll probably do more short comics for it in the future tho!  10. omfg yes i love those designs when i was gathering references for sirenix it was sooooo hard to to use those because theyre so beautiful. Yeah it would prob have to be a commission just cus i’m swamped with other things rn :/ @hug-all-platelets 11. i mean ya ur right they just never should have killed nabu(is he officially dead or pulling a sleeping beauty on all of us?). As much as I would have loooooooved aisha to remain single because how awesome would that be, it would be a little weird to have her be the one winx member to not be involved romantically, because i mean. there is that stereotype/meme of “strong independent black woman who don’t need no man”(closely related to the “sassy black woman” stereotype) which is Problematic with a capital P, but regardless, nex and roy showed up. i honestly think the love triangle was resolved pretty quickly considering how long rainbow likes to drag relationship drama on? but yeah poly aisha/nex/roy would have also been cool. I think the reason she chose nex is because he “proved” himself, he ultimately had more perseverance and passion than roy, which is something i think aisha would specifically look for. shes strong physically and personality wise, she would want to be with people who can keep up.  12. Both! Riven is the tallest specialist, and musa is the shortest winx. i am....... very partial to height difference....... For their relationship, i think they wouldn’t even start dating until like season 3 era at the earliest.(this is partially why season 4 is so rough for them, its a new relationship) a lot of their issues would stem from their attachment issues and how they respond to insecurity. Riven’s mom left him, just fucking dropped out of his life while he was a young kid, leaving him with (in my universe) an emotionally distant and dismissive father he could never please. So Riven responds by pushing people away before they can reject him, becoming controlling, or dismissing them in anger and pretending not to care about their opinion. Musa’s mother was taken away from her by illness.  I think it happened in musa’s early teens, since it’s clearly still a tender subject in the first season. A parents death is painful no matter the circumstance, but a sickness that slowly steals the person you love away from you must be incredibly painful. As a result, Musa experience a lot of anxiety about the people she loves leaving her(whether by their choice or not), and becomes clingy, emotionally demanding, and sensitive. When Riven pushes her away Musa tries to push her way back to him, when Musa wants Riven to act certain way or do something (even if its irrational and she is at fault) Riven dismisses her needs because it means he can keep himself safe from failure. They have similar problems but the way they respond to it ends up escalating every issue. They do eventually grow and become vulnerable with each other. I think that riven still left at the end of season 6, but they didn’t exactly break up, they both recognized that Riven needed some time away from the specialists to work on his own shit and gain confidence in his own skills, so it turned into a low key long distance thing. (if he hadn’t come back in season 8  they would just decide to break it off but lol he’s back) anyways..... enjoy this essay lol

#askems #Winx #winx club #winxems #not art #anonymous #iamanemotionaltimebomb #hug-all-platelets #weirdghostly #just-kairi

[artificialqueens]

Rupaul's Bake Off ~ Hobnob

A/N: The great British bake off is so close i can taste it. People don’t know this about me, but i go into a hibernation like state whilst waiting between seasons of bake off. I then emerge from my cocoon as a sweaty moth, ready to watch some fuckin cooking and pound a few brews.

Alas, bake off moved to channel 4 and i can’t stand channel 4 it can suck my flaccid wang. Too many adds, I’m not about that life, you know? When i found out i looked my mum straight in the eyes and cried. She told me i was loved and held me tight. Thats the only intimacy i ever got from mum :(

I was craving some classic bake off, that really kept with the feel of the show. Bless mary berry that sweet old thing. She was faithful and stayed with the BBC! I burnt my paul holywood cookbook when i found out he was moving to channel 4. Liar!!! Dickhead!!!

Enjoy~ Hobnob

Ru: So then i said if those are your rates ill kill the child myself.

Ru: Shit we on?

Ru: Hello hello hello! Four weeks in, 12 bakers down to eight. They’re on a roll!

Ru: Welcome, to Rupaul’s Bake Off!

~

Ru: Alright ladies, how are we feeling today?

Laganja: Well actually i-

Ru: Hahahahaha thats wonderful!

Ru: For todays challenge you’ll all be making shortbread, and since our ratings went up by 4, we can actually afford real flour.

Trixie: We used washing powder. Magnolia Crawford died.

Ru: I hear your complaints. Magnolia’s family will be notified.

Trixie: Her body is still on the floor. We used her left leg for pie week.

Ru: Her death drop was sickening!

Ru: Are you ladies bready to make some shortbread?

*general mumbling*

Ru: Well on that note lets- WAKE UP PEARL.

Pearl: Im a dude that loves to snooze.

Ru: Gentlemen, start your ovens, and may the best woman, bake!

Pearl: where am i.

~

Ru: Alright Michelle what we looking for in a good piece of shortbread?

*Michelle grabs a tesco’s own brand tray of shortbread and cuts a piece in half*

Michelle: No soggy bottoms.

Ru: But Michelle i heard you love a soggy bottom!

*cackling from Michelle and Santino*

Ru: Now Santino, what are you looking for in a piece of shortbread.

Santino: I want to have a have a childhood flashback like in ratatouille.

Ru: Santino your fired.

Michelle: Its literally impossible to fuck up shortbread, I’m exited to see what these girls can turn out.

Santino: I think one of the contestants died last week.

Ru: You know michelle i completely agree. Ill be keeping my rye on them!

*more cackling*

Ru: Alright we only booked this room for half an hour get out.

~

Ru: lets see how some of these biological women are doin.

Ru: Sharon Needles, how it do?

Sharon: Hoh hoh its going great Ru!

Ru: Now I’m…seeing alot of plastic rings on the counter…whats that all about?

Sharon: See Ru, at greggs they serve their shortbread with fun plastic rings on top!

Sharon: I love greggs this is really a homage to that.

Ru: I uh…ok

Ru: So how about the Shortbread itself, how’s that coming along?

Sharon: I wanted it to have a spook-tastic theme!

*Ru nods*

Sharon: So i put live spiders in the mix.

Ru: Christ…

Ru: Alright ill let you get back to work thanks Sharon.

Sharon: Hoh hoh!

~

Ru: Katya, hows everything cooking?

Katya: Im making ravioli Ru.

Ru: But the challenge is to make shortbread.

*Katya leans in and whispers*

Katya: Ru ima level with you here, i ate all the flour.

*Ru sighs*

Ru: Alright can we get Katya another bag of flour?

Pit crew: We can’t she snorted it all.

Katya: Im so happy to be here!!!

Ru: For fucks sake. there were 20 bags of flour.

*Katya takes another drag of her cigarette*

Katya: Party.

Ru: Right Im going over there.

~

Ru: Leganjy estrangy, it smells great over here!

Laganja: Actually mawma its pronounced la-

Ru: Wonderful!

Ru: How are you approaching the classic shortbread recipie?

Laganja: Well mwahmah i baked my shortbread with pot cuz if it aint green i aint interested you best believe!

Ru: You smuggled marijuana on set??

Adore: Rupaul that was my weed she stole it!!!

Laganja: You fucking dickpig son of a spazzy cunt i didn’t take nothing.

Adore: You also stole my copious amounts of ketamine gurl, most unsportsmanlike…

*Laganja whips out her gun*

Laganja: You willing to die over this? Take it easy okuur?

*She aims the gun at adore’s temple and speaks in a soft voice*

Laganja: I feel very…attacked.

Ru: Oof i doughnut want to be caught up in this pickle. Take it easy…bake oven.

*Roaring laughter from Michelle*

- Ru: Sasha Velour!

Ru: Make this quick I’m running out of food related puns.

Sasha: Want me to give you a quick run-through of what I’m making?

Ru: Sasha you bread my mind!

Ru: Oh i do got more.

Sahsa: I really wanted to get an in depth look at the inner workings of shortbread.

Shasha: So my piece will be a deconstruction of shortbread at its essence.

Ru: Its… just the raw ingredients and you’ve painted 3 of the eggs.

Sasha: plus i infused the oats with the tears of a crying dove.

Sasha: Its the future of baking man. Don’t even trip.

Ru: I have only just met you.

Ru: But i love you.

Sasha: Right on.

*Ru checks her casio sports watch*

Ru: ALRIGHT LADIES STOP BAKING WE’S DONE TIME’s UUupP.

Ru: Time to judge this shitshow.

~

*Ru Michelle and Santino look at all the trays. Santino begins to cry*

Michelle: Uh- lets start with Trixie mattel’s!!

Santino: So first off its fucking pink. And there’s bits of glitter sticking out of it.

Trixie: Yeah that glitter isn’t edible.

*Santino, Michelle and Ru take a bite* Michelle: Why does it taste like regret and plastic?

Trixie: I melted 3 barbie dolls into the mix. I was feeling the fantasy.

*Santino begins to choke and collapses on the floor*

Ru: Sickening!

Michelle: Movin on.

Michelle: Bianca Del Rio, lets see what you made henny.

*Michelle picks up a tray of paper slips*

Ru: Tf is this.

Bianca: THEY’RE ALL INSULTS FOR LAGANJA ESTRANJA.

Bianca: I WANT TO SLASH HER FUCKING FACE.

Michelle: That went to a very dark place.

Bianca: I WILL ABSORB HER LIFE ENERGY AND RETURN TO THE SHADOW RELM.

*Michelle puts down the tray and looks at the rest of the trays*

Michelle: The rest of these aren’t even shortbread. Ru did you have to cast a group of twats, how do you fuck up shortbread.

Ru: Now seems like the perfect time to plug my new product.

Ru: It’s a literal piece of shit. Just a big chunk of shit.

Ru: Think of the…possibilities.

Adore: Did Santino die?

Ru: Now available on ebay. Bidding starts at ten quid.

Adore: He isn’t breathing.

Ru: While you think about the series of events that led you to this gig, the judges and i will deliberate.

*Ru looks over to Santino’s dead body*

Ru: Michelle and i will deliberate. ~

Ru: Alright so what do we think?

Michelle: Katya snorted all the flour then spat in a tray, Pearl is asleep inside the oven, Bianca keeps coming at queens with carving knives, I think i saw Trixie sample Katya’s tray of spit, Laganja has a loaded gun, Adore doesn’t belong here, Sasha is immaculate and i love her god bless and Sharon started coughing up blood.

Ru: The ‘steaks’ are higher than ever!

Michelle: And Santino Rice died.

Ru: Ive heard enough…Bring back my goirls.

*Michelle cackles*

~

Ru: Alright ladies…ive made my decision…

*Trixie raises her hand and Ru sighs*

Ru: Yes Trixie?

Trixie: Where’s Manila?

Ru: i-uh…oh shit yeah Manila was sposed to be here.

Ru: Manila?

*Manila pops her head out of a fruit bowl. She’d been disguised as a pineapple the whole time!*

Ru: Why you hiding gurl?

*Manila speaks through broken sobs*

Manila: Someone…someone left the cake out in the rain.

*shady rattlesnake noise*

Manila: I-I just don’t think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it.

*A single tear rolls down her pineapple cheek*

Manila: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

*Everyone hugs Manila and cries*

Ru: Mmm thats some good telly.

Ru: Alright I’ve made my decision…

Ru: Stacy layne Mathews, you are the star baker of this weeks challenge.

*Everyone applauds, and nods in agreement*

Stacy: Thanks. As they say back in the swamp, “i am in a swamp, but why?”

Ru: Preach sister.

Ru: Unfortunately…this is the hardest part of the competition…who will be eliminated.

Ru: So Im going to let Michelle Visage decide.

Michelle: Trixie you killed Santino Rice.

Michelle:…

Michelle: thank you. You are safe + immunity for next weeks challenge.

Trixie: Bitchin!

Michelle: You know what, ill cut to the chase. Hermione granger the stranger you can go home.

Laganja: mwwuuaaumahch, it’s pronouncéd lega-

Ru: Get out.

*Even louder applause as everyone else throws rotten tomatoes at a sobbing Laganja*

Ru: Thats not all…every guests here tonight…leaves with a piece of shit!

Ru: See you next week!

Ru: LET THE MUSIC PLAEEH!!

*Everyone shuffles about to the sound of ambient rainforest noises.*

A/N: It was me, tammie brown all along.

If you managed to stick with the entirety of this script you get a shank in the back plus free PPI congration!!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

#rpdr fanfiction #crack fic #hobnob #rupaul's bake off #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #magnolia crawford #pearl liaison #adore delano #bianca del rio #sasha velour #manila luzon #rupaul #santino rice #michelle visage #sharon needles #laganja estranja #stacy layne matthews #submission

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ “What the hell is a Kankri?” Wiz Lalonde, prior to realizing a Mista k e

part one of Wiz/Kankri logs from yesterday and today ]]

valorousimperial Mm........ I don't understand.

wiz-texts um im sorry i think u have th wrong account who r u??? u seem confused bout somethin i hope u get in contact w th person ur tryin to reach they prolly got th answers ur lookin fr

valorousimperial I don't think anyone has the answers I'm looking for. They died with your memory of me. Enjoy that unmarked body.

wiz-texts wait. what??? im sorry i dont kno who u r also i havent posted *nothin* bout an unmarked body how th fuck do u kno bout that????

valorousimperial Well, up to last light, we WERE quadranted. I've seen you naked a few times.

wiz-texts okay..... that is bullshit, n u r confused. i may have bad memory but not *that* bad

valorousimperial Wiz Lalonde you cannot possibly have forgotten the stipulations of the deal you made.

valorousimperial ...I'm Kankri.

wiz-texts ...i forgot you i. how could i have im so sorry i dont understand whats happenin

valorousimperial Makes two of us.

wiz-texts im so sorry no that. that prolly dont mean shit. fuck.

valorousimperial ... Not really. No.

wiz-texts Lilac n Red are tellin me not to run away, n i wont, but this is your home im in, apparently

valorousimperial A couple of nights ago, it was your home, too.

wiz-texts i wont stay here if you dont want me to. after what i jus did... fuck, i wouldnt blame you one second for tellin me to leave

wiz-texts ...it still feels like it is

wiz-texts i, im sorry. ill keep my thoughts to myself do.... do you want me to go?

valorousimperial No I'm glad this is still your home

valorousimperial Everyone keeps telling me this will... Get better. I don't know how. But it won't happen if I make you leave.

wiz-texts theyre tellin me that too i dont see how

wiz-texts im so sorry. im so sorry for hurtin you. im so sorry for all of this i wish i could give you th answers and i wish i could make everythin better im sorry

valorousimperial It hurts

[[ Hours In The Future, But Not Many... ]]

valorousimperial Anyway, I thought you should know that those are my teeth.

wiz-texts *fuck* im im sorry i kept holdin it because it felt nice should i not..?????? im sorry

valorousimperial No it

valorousimperial Actually Really comforts me to hear that You did that before. When you were stressed.

wiz-texts i did...? it does feel nice. anchorin but what i did, i shouldnt......

valorousimperial It's fine.

wiz-texts doesnt seem that way fuck, i. am i supposed to talk to you? not talk to you???? i dont know

wiz-texts i dont want to keep hurtin you more than i have...

valorousimperial I I don't know what's fine and not fine

valorousimperial I know I'm selfish and awful and if there's one scar left on you and I made it, if you keep holding it because it makes you feel better, if you don't recoil from it just for existing, then Then they can't have taken everything about me from you.

wiz-texts i..... i think i like it, actually

valorousimperial ??

wiz-texts i like how it looks, n feels. it's got these sorta... ridges?? th dents from th teeth are fun to trace my fingers over is..... is that okay for me to say??? is *any* of this okay gosh i dunno....

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts yes??

valorousimperial I think a lot of things aren't okay. But this is. This is This is them failing. This is them not taking us away from each other. This is good.

valorousimperial I guess that we have to meet one another again.

valorousimperial [[ oh shit it’s dat beautiful boi.jpg aka mun sent an actual picture but i’m being a dork ]] This is me, I'm a troll. Which you had probably figured out.

wiz-texts yea no offense but im in your palace, id be a little concerned if you werent a troll ha youre..... youre really pretty n i have a confession, ive already seen this picture

valorousimperial This is the whole picture!! And it's not tiny!! I like to think that I'm pretty, I'm glad you do, too.

wiz-texts because i went through all the tags and message history like..... five or six times already nothin came back. im sorry

valorousimperial ... Oh, I Didn't figure it would But I'm glad you tried.

wiz-texts i wanted to try. wanted to see if i could feel..... *somethin* like memory

valorousimperial I assume there's not even a sense of deja vu.

wiz-texts it feels different. ive forgotten a lot of things n those are all fuzzy, its like..... like my brain is swamped in a fog

wiz-texts this, though, it dont feel fuzzy it feels like its just been..... scooped right outta my brain. cant remember what isnt there anymore, right

valorousimperial Right I don't begrudge you that. I begrudge you WHY it's gone. But not that it is.

wiz-texts there is some kinda feelin but i dont know if thats because of my guilt or nah. great mystery right there.....

wiz-texts not deja vu. somethin else

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts like..... shucks, i dunno how to word it

wiz-texts .....

wiz-texts heck

valorousimperial The best you can do works for me.

wiz-texts i. i dont know, i.... feel like maybe its out of line?? too soon???? im just... lookin at things and thinkin n searchin until things go blurry

valorousimperial It's never too soon for you to take comfort in things. You and I, We'll just Play it by ear, right? And maybe things can work again. Do you maybe want to play a questions game?

wiz-texts i aint.... exactly takin comfort in it i dont think???

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts it. mm. th thing i keep feelin goin through th tags ......because im a stubborn fuck n starin at everythin for. i think this is my fourteenth time through th whole thing

wiz-texts it aint deja vu but its like......... somethin of me *does* know you???? not a memory but. somethin .........

valorousimperial Well This is the part where you intimately relearn my penchant for dirty jokes, I guess But I bet I can guess what part of you remembers me...

wiz-texts ....you actually got me to laugh there sounded more like this wheezin sorta thing but thats what it was

valorousimperial Pfft.

wiz-texts but no its like... ppl talk bout butterflies in their stomachs, when they like someone, right???? its like that i guess

valorousimperial !!!!

wiz-texts except its more in my chest n it feels like..... a knot??? a knot gettin pulled tighter n tighter n then i get overwhelmed n i cry but i dont. know if thats good or bad it feels good AND bad if that makes any sense i dunno....... i dunno

valorousimperial Less !!!! Butt still at least !

wiz-texts why????

valorousimperial I just I want you to feel things about me.

wiz-texts i do too i want to feel *all* th things bout you, i want to feel everythin i did before n like add a whole bunch more on top to. to make up for this if you want me to if you dont thats... thats okay. rly its your decision

valorousimperial I don't know

valorousimperial I'm

wiz-texts .....obviously i already made mine. ha....

valorousimperial I'm really fucked up about this.

wiz-texts i know. im sorry i shouldnt have said that

valorousimperial ...yes. You did make your decision. But you had to have had a reason. Because all this... Getting rid of the hated scars, and leaving mine behind The fluttering and the tightness in you when you look at who we were together

wiz-texts im blurtin out everythin that comes into my head, ill....... ill stop. i shouldnt be doin this to you. i shouldnt its gotta be hurtin you n i dont want that

valorousimperial WANTING to have what we did again You clearly don't hate me, or my memory. So you You had to have had a reason.

wiz-texts ..... yea but i... i cant begin to understand it. i remember how much i hated th scars but...... it doesnt make sense. ive been tryin all night n it doesnt make sense

valorousimperial ?

valorousimperial All night? Like, all of all night? Did you get a nap? Did you focus on something else?

wiz-texts not...... really......

valorousimperial !! Are you very tired?

wiz-texts dunno? dunno ???????? um

valorousimperial You used to get really very exhausted Easily.

wiz-texts i have been picked up by a judgin troll lady

valorousimperial ?????

wiz-texts Lilac keeps. voodooin ppl in here i kinda barricaded th door n hid away for a little so i could think

valorousimperial He's a good clown.

wiz-texts um. it seems that was a while ago. breakfast time????? what time is it now i dont think im exhausted but its hard to tell so. oh well

valorousimperial You haven't eaten AT ALL? Oh, Wiz, no No, don't do that.

wiz-texts i forgot. didnt feel hungry or much of anything else tbh scold Keeune too he's been awake since his shift last light wtf

valorousimperial Keeune is attached to you and doing much what I would if I found out you were mysteriously sick.

wiz-texts im not? sick?????

valorousimperial In a way.

wiz-texts ....oh

wiz-texts um

wiz-texts you should go to sleep. i wouldnt wanna keep you when your moirail is waitin

valorousimperial No, I'm okay.

wiz-texts mm......

valorousimperial Let's play the questions game. What's your favorite color?

valorousimperial Oh, I didn't see his post

wiz-texts ha. yea thats what i meant

valorousimperial He's so drowsy. He'll fall asleep any minute.

wiz-texts u should go to him though!!

valorousimperial I'm with him.

wiz-texts then like.... go to sleep???

wiz-texts [[ wiz, internally: give attention to your real quad..... ]]

valorousimperial What’s your favorite color?

#[[ in which things are on fire but less on fire than i expected ]] #[[ phew ]] #logs #valorousimperial #the wiz drama

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0

#💫