#ive always been picky and if theres something i dont like or something doesnt make sense well | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaylonelydyke · 3 years

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if it’s not too late, 12 for episodes and ships, and 17!

its never too late! thankyou for the ask 🥰 oo damn this is gonna be a hefty one, just to prepare you this is gonna be long 😅😅😅

spoiler alert for my friends who are finishing up season 2 rn, be careful if you look at my top five episodes, pay attention the the episode numbers, i will put [ ] in bold at the beginning and end of spoilers!

12. Top 5 ships

5. faith x myself because have you seen faith? shes such a babe! spare consensual kiss maam?

4. willow x oz, i dont know if this is an unpopular or not but i feel like if the 90s had been more accepting of term then willow wouldve been bisexual, but like even now tv shows will rarely let characters say that word :( but anyway i love them! theyre both quirky and kinda awkward but its such a sweet relationship and you really see how they go from awkward crushes to an actual deep relationship, oz is one of my favourite characters too what a dude!

3. giles x jenny, mlmxwlw solidarity in this bisexual couple! there is no an ounce of straight between them and i love it, i love their dynamic, i love that giles *respects women* (im staring daggers at xander rn), also the original girlboss x malewife couple askdjaksjhd

2. drusilla x spike, these two!!!!!! once again a bisexual couple with zero straight between them, the vibes are off the charts. sexy vampires, goth x punk love, i just love them man, and their relationship is so interesting to delve into. like theyre vampires, theyre soulless and yet they have a capacity for love, they care deeply for eachother, theyre so tender towards eachother in season 2 in the way they take turns to care for one another, also drusilla picking spike up with one hand made me gay and thats on that

1. willow x tara!!!!! lesbians man lesbians! they have a beautiful relationship, until a certain point wink wink, they feel like a perfect match, willows become more outgoing due to buffy and xander snd having a proper group of friends, so its cool to see her as the more outgoing independant one in the relationship, and tara is such a honey 🥺 the biggest sweetheart in the world what a babe!!!! also like how groundbreaking was their relationship? as a queer couple, they had p much the dame amount of screentime as a aueer relationship today! and willow says the word lesbian so many times and is always making gay jokes which is something shows today are too scared to do, its honestly refreshing which is weird for a show in the 90/00s

12. Top 5 episodes

this is so hard because its such a damn good show so i had to rlly be picky about this but here we go

5. 6x22 ‘grave’- i watched buffy for the first time last year at work coz i worked with one other person just packing shit, and THIS was the episode that made us cry infront of eachother. the scene with willow and xander at the end is one of my all time favourite scenes and like legit we were watching and we starting going like ha.. this is so sad Q_Q and we looked at eachother and we were both crying akdjdjsjdhs its SO GOOD, like this is a friendship ive been so invested in and [seeing xander be able to pull her back from that dark place was so heart wrenching and amazing god its so good]

4. 3x12 ‘helpless’ - im finishing up s2 in my rewatch rn so i havent rewatched this one to double check but i remember loving it man. buffys father daughter relationship with giles is my favourite of the whole show they make my heart ache, so i love that this is an episode that really shows you how dedicated giles is to her, [its the breaking point where he finally disregards the fact that hes a watcher and acts as her father once and for all, its a turning point for their relationship where he is finally embracing the fact that shes like a daughter to him and i just love to see it Q_Q get you a dad who will leave his lifes calling for you]

3. 4x22 ‘restless’ - season 4 is interesting coz it has really good episodes and them some gd awful ones 😂😂 but this one just blew me away, i love a good character study episode and this is THE SHIT! its so weird and creepy but in the most perfect way, its not on the nose its so subtle, it feels like an uncanny valley version of buffy almost, i like that they finished the season first and then took this episode to do something out of the box and different i feel like it lets them fully explore this idea without the pressure of needing plot included. [also the cheese man is iconic. dont however like xander being all nasty with willow and tara but whats new there man]

2. 1x12 ‘The Prophecy Girl’ - for my first watch of buffy i wasnt that into the first season, like i enjoyed it but i didnt think it was anything super special? but this episode changed EVERYTHING for me. up until now buffy had been fun, witty, charming, but not anything new atleast for me, maybe in the 90s it was but right now its your average teen supernatural show. but this episode!!!! the emotion! buffy facing her death, her speech about how shes just 16 and shes scared and she doesnt want to die, that is what i wanna see!! its heartbreaking and it made me cry, and then it gives us the wonderful moment of giles trying to take her place and buffy realising that she has to be the one to do it, man its so good! basically anything with buffy and giles being a duo is gonna make it an automatic yes from me and this is indeed the case for this episode, i just love that the show remembers that shes a child! shes not brave all the time, shes not strong all the time, shes just doing her best and sometimes its overwhelming, 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 i bow to this episode

1. 2x17 ‘passion’ - i know i just sang praises about prophecy girl but THIS EPISODE IS THE SHIT, the best episode full stop. i wont accept any argument. angel is probably my favourite big bad, its so funny to see plain bread, mopey brooding angel become this charismatic, funny, poetic, blood thirsty angelus, hes everything i want in a villain and in this episode he delivers! rip jenny tho love her. i think the tension built around angel is so good, because of his drawings and notes left around, every scene youre worrying like is he here now? are they safe or what? its so tense! and also it is me and im a slag for buffy x giles father daughter moments and this episode fucking delivers! giles discovering jennys dead body is probably one of the best scenes on the show, the dramatic irony is heAVY, we know jenny is dead, we know that these flowers arent from her, but giles is so so happy, and i want to see him happy but you just know somehing horrific is about to happen and damn does it. its a masterpiece! i love jenny and giles so much it is so sad, but also the fact that it gave us that scene makes me almmmoost ok with it? i also love the moment where giles breaks down in buffys arms, hes been there for her and now shes returning the favour and hes accepting it i just 😭😭😭 also on a different note, angels narration of this episode is amazing! it gives us great insight to who he is as “evil angel” and like even though hes awful i was also kind of rooting for him coz hes just such a great villain

sorry this is so long lmao, last question!

17. Which characer do you wish had less of a focus on them in the show?

i dont wanna get yelled at butttttt i dont like the amount of focus on dawn. i think it makes sense for the her first season considering the story arc but that season really does double down its focus onto dawn and buffy and it barely leaves room for anyone else to have a storyline, it keeps the episodes super depressing too its like a constant level of just sadness the whole time because we’re so stuck in THEIR arc, theres no room to balance it out and have a breather, some people might like that its more serious but i really really didnt like, i love episodes like prophecy girl where it is campy and brings the more emotional notes in when the time comes, but dawns whole arc is just constantly depressing the whole time i just hate it, and also just shes not a character i felt i could connect to because of how suddenly shes introduced, so its weird to have her SO focused on in the first half of that season coz we dont know her yet so i feel like the emotional moments dont land the way that they should? basically they shouldve eased us into dawn or introduced her differently and maybe i would like her enough to want the focus on her but i really just dont

adksjakjshd apologies for the essay this is, thanks for the ask!

#btvs #buffy the vampire slayer #why did i write a paragraph for everything im so sorry #i wish i knew how to add a read more link but i dont on mobile #my post #dawn fans please dont murder me #i dont hate her i just dont like her yanno #i am scared people are gonna hate me for not liking her but we all have our tastes

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tchaikovskaya · 3 years

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dont reblog

this is 70% venting and 30% requesting peoples input about it, but can you please tell me honestly if im being irrational about this or all flustered for no reason:

okay so i was a really picky eater as a kid (esp before i was 6/7ish, to the point of being borderline malnourished bc of my own pickiness in tandem with [lowkey impressively ironclad] stubbornness) but i grew out of it. now i eat a wide variety of foods however there remain a truthfully really small number of ingredients or dishes i absolutely will not touch. its not me being finicky, its just a strong dislike for certain foods and everyone has food dislikes!

for many of my food dislikes, they’re things that other people in my family cook and/or eat regularly. i dont expect or ask them not to eat those things when im around. thats fine, i dont care, it doesnt affect me! but its not uncommon for them to be deciding what to make (ostensibly to be eaten as a group meal) or picking some restaurant to go to, and someone will suggest something that i Will Not eat (all of them are very well aware of my dislike for those things and in fact even get frequent reminders when i say “no i dont like xyz” Every Single Time they suggest it to me). 99% of the time i find it insanely aggravating but its easy enough to just brush it off, so whatever. but then that 1% of the time, i feel like im going to rip the persons head off after they do it yet again.

like if i were doing something with a group and i knew someone in that group was a strict vegetarian and we were all deciding what restaurant to go to, i would *not* suggest a steakhouse and then tell the vegetarian that they have mashed potatoes and a few salads on the menu too so it should be fine. because that would be inconsiderate, right?

i also think this is all very ironic, bc as ive gotten older its become clear to me that my parents are painfully unadventurous eaters and have always been that way. and that plays into this because they eat these relatively common foods that i hate, and they eat them frequently, which is what makes this legendarily stupid point of contention come up so fucking often! :))))

for one food in particular its like a running joke in the family that my mom will say to me, “what about xyz? oh yeah thats right, you wont eat xyz” so its not like its never been brought to her attention before! she will literally be addressing me DIRECTLY, its not even like its a group of me + others and im just being overlooked, shes *literally* offering me food that she absolutely knows i hate and then immediately saying “oh wait thats right, you dont like that” fjfdgjfkdfgvfcdhxjcv

idk i just cant tell if im being hormonal and/or deflecting my stress and anxiety about other things onto them and their irritating but ultimately inconsequential habits/traits, or if this is genuinely something worth addressing (and by that i mean squabbling lol, even if i were perfectly calm and collected bringing it up it still would never be a productive conversation but at least they’ll know how annoyed i really am about it) and then theres always the perfectly fair points to make that 1) this situation arises almost exclusively in conditions in which i am Hangry or swiftly approaching that point, and that 2) food stuff is touchy to me in general so im blowing this out of proportion

#where was i even going with this post 🙃 why is it so long for no reason 🙃

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ankhisms · 3 years

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the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

#showyourprocess #beep beep its a txt

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eduardo-andale-lets-go · 4 years

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favourite reddie head canon?

oh MY god is iT REALLY-- my first reddie ask??????? holy shit i love you thank you-- ok i will stop grovelling and start answering

So im gonna start with the observation that Richie and Eddie have so many facets in their personality that is explored by the fandom depending on the AU/Timeline, which makes it so much fun cause each AU means a different approach to the same characters that we all know. I’m also not very picky on whether its realistic or not as long as I enjoy it.

One of my favorites is the Jock!Eddie Nerd!Richie fics, cause it highlights Richie’s softness. It’s usually Richie POV too! So i love him pining, grappling with both his sexuality and his social standing. But I also love the tension that this all causes, and some sexy hallway makeout scenes-- thats always good.

Another thing I’m soft for is, admittedly, rockstar/celebrity aus. I know, I know, all the culture around celebrity worshipping yada yada yada, but the celeb aus are really well written! I enjoy the fantasy while also being taught again and again how unhealthy or how not good it always is.

I’ve mostly read Singer/Celeb/Famous!Richie fics where Eddie does nor give a damn, but I also read one really good smau where Eddie is an indie singer and Richie is the fan. IDK i just love imagining myself in the fan’s place WHILE thinking that its Eddie or Richie. (Plus it doesnt help that I have a crush on both Finn and Bill-- anD im 11 mos older than finn so i hope thats acceptable to yall huhuh but ive been trying to not engage in the finn-fandom cause itll just be a headache for me in the end)

WAIT I JUST REALIZED YOU SAID HEADCANONS-- but like aus are similar to headcanons in that aus are basically built mostly on headcanons? ok fuck

so, headcanons

(that exist in the fandom space!)

I LOVE RICHIE BEING INSECURE ABOUT HIS BODY AND EDDIE BODY WORSHIPPING HIM DURING CUDDLY OR HOT TIMES, like, my belly, too, is wiggly, and if eddie loves richies wiggly body, why, i too, must love my wiggly belly

I also adore tattoed eddie hcs because of a rebellious phase against sonia, and when richie realizes this, he, like, cackles and adores it

idk if this is in the book, but its in almost every fic set in their younger years but yes yes yes i loveeee “Richie goes to Eddie’s bedroom by climbing his window” and the “they sleep in the same bed because NIGHTMARES and they end up cuddling” its a cliche classic and i love it to the bits

I ALSO lOVE the hc of eddie taking richie’s glasses of to clean it with the cloth he keeps specifically for richie and the one where richie has a spare inhaler for eddie- like holy shit how can you be 14 and act like a married couple goddamn

ALSO ALSO ALSO DANCER EDDIE-- like Eddie just knowing how to MOVE IT. And this is usually in the high school fics or fics where they’re 17-26 or something, where they go to a high school party or meet at a bar and richie is jUST-- whoa, goddamn, eds, lemme put my big ass hands on your waist as I become increasingly enraptured by your dancing, and also, lemme put my big ass hand on your bigass--

and this is about to get nsfw but like, i am also guilty of loving the Richie is sexually active as a teen and introduces eddie to pleasurable sex-- AS I ALSO enjoy the Richie and Eddie both have never had good sex due to repression and they figure it out together. IDK ITS JUST-- BOTH SO VERY GOOD!

Additionally, I have a few headcanons of mine that I would like to share:

for a few months after theyve gotten together, richie and eddie keep their relationship a secret and eddie is VERY sweet to richie, like just, pure fucking chocolate candy rainbow unicorn diabetes kinda sweet, but when theyre with the losers, eddie is feral and argumentative or he tries to be like before. and when the losers find them out richie explains, “well, i wanted to tell you all but eddie said he enjoyed our sexual tension--” before shut him up for good

also for my actors au that i simply do not know if i will still write it:

richie is a popular singer turned actor, and they share this house while shooting in the middle of nowhere and they all share one bathroom, and so thats how eddie finds out that Richie LOVES singing disney songs, and especially pooh songs in the shower. His comfort song is actually the pogo remix that basically puts music in the dialogue “dum de dum de dum dum dum de dum de dum dum when im with you im with you” that kinda thing and Eddie fucking TEASES him so much and he even shares this on the interviews and richie is like “eddie dont ruin my bad boy rep!!!” and eddie is all “oh richie you ruined that yourself when you started wearing those godawful hawiian shirts with inhalers on it” and richies like “hey the fans gave it to me!” “yeah and i like it” and eddie has the gall to question WHY everyone thinks they’re dating!

and the last one (im so sorry this is prolly not what you asked for i need more people to talk to me Q^Q):

the losers on a sleepover sleeping on the bedroom floor, and stan is like scared of the dark right so he sleeps beside the wall but thats not enough so he curls into a ball and he needs to touch someone else and its usually richie (richies noise as he sleeps calms him down because if theres a noise atleast he knows its richie yaknow) so he curls around himself, ass out and like just seeking richie’s back and eddie sleeps to the other side of richie, but when eddie sees this, he would wait for stan to fall alseep before he scoots between stan and richie so hes sandwhiched between stan and richie, and eddie gets to cuddle richie that way

okay thank you good night this might be the last ask i get but thanks for the opportunity!

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it chapter 1 #it chapter 2 #headcanons #my hcs #actors au #nerd richie #jock eddie #famous richie #singer richie #window climbing #first ask woop

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iridescentides · 4 years

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🔥 + any hot takes/thoughts/unpopular opinions about Glee, A:tLA, and Umbrella Academy bc you reblog a lot of them and I love those shows

AH thank you so so much for sending this! i will try to limit myself bc i have a lot of opinions okay

Glee

i could go on and on about glee bc there are 12 billion things to say (and the show is super long). but i think my most controversial opinions are:

i dont ship finchel or klaine. at all.

i can explain. i have a love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with rachel as a character. sometimes i feel bad for her bc its clear shes struggling and insecure and shes a flawed female character which we need to appreciate. BUT she is just so unbearably annoying, selfish, and awful to everyone around her, and season 5 was the point where i finally made a decision. i dont like her. similarly, i hate finn bc he is overglorified by the other characters on the show, without any actions supporting it. they all say that finn is their leader, that hes the nicest guy ever, and praise him like a hero when in reality, he calls people slurs, outs them in the hallway, cheats on his girlfriends, and just overall acts like a douche towards anyone he doesnt immediately understand or relate to or wanna fuck. they all SAY hes amazing, but his actions just do not support that at all, and thats bad writing imo. i think because those characters are awful, their relationship is a colossal mess, and i think if i had to choose a definitive least favorite point for them, it would be when finn beat brody up for dating rachel. like what did the show want us to appreciate about that??? thats not romantic at all!!! thats disgusting and a sign that finn needs help. physically threatening people who date your exes? who does that??? and we’re supposed to think its cute bc he says “my future wife.” mhm. sure.

i hate klaine bc while i love kurt, i think blaine is awful to him. blaine relies heavily on having a sense of power over kurt, and this is even openly explored in one of the later episodes, but not resolved well imo. from the moment they met and got together, blaine was using his power and standing as head of the warblers to subtly make kurt feel lesser. he liked feeling like he held some sort of power in the relationship. then, when he goes to new york and gains weight and thinks of himself as less attractive, he gets angry and jealous of kurt bc he wants to be the “hot” one in the relationship, and always considered himself as such. if you are comparing yourself to your partner in that way, please break up with them and learn how to feel complete by yourself. blaines insecurities repeatedly fucked up their relationship, and i never have and never will ship them. the fact that they last minute decided to get married, ignoring their glaring issues with living together and teamwork in general, due to social pressure to crash brittanas wedding was absolutely ridiculous and a bullshit wrap up to their story.

A:TLA

okay so i know everyone is having fun rn joking about how “zukka nation has risen” but i honestly dont see it and never will. i dont get where the fandom has just decided this year to prioritize a ship that gets no real exposure, no buildup, and basically a two episode arc in terms of trust and teamwork. i recently saw a post talking about how theres not much fan content for mai/ty lee, who have an actual solid friendship (and ty lee literally risked her life to save mai), but theres tons of fans pushing zukka and acting like its THE ship we should all be shipping, showing the general bias fandoms have for mlm over wlw. something to think about. ive been zutara trash since i was 11 years old, so needless to say, i would pick them over zukka any day.

piggybacking off of the weird superiority complex people have for shipping zukka, i have always been annoyed by sokka stans in general? just to be clear, i love sokka, and i dont think there is anything wrong with loving him! but i HATE how people who consider sokka their favorite character act like theyre special for that? people are always crying that hes “underappreciated” and that hes so much smarter and more capable than anyone else. and i personally have not seen a single person criticize sokka, when ive seen at least small bits of hate thrown at each character. my point here is, loving sokka is a super popular opinion to have, and literally everyone loves sokka! so when people act like theyre the only one who truly appreciates sokka it really bugs me bc like. it truly doesnt make you special. everyone has a different favorite atla character but i pretty much only see sokka stans with this odd superiority complex, acting like theyre so rare for loving a super loveable character.

TUA

idk if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but the show would be unwatchable without klaus. hes pretty much everyones favorite character, we all see ourselves in him and we root for him and we laugh at him, and while i agree with the sentiment that he gets a disproportionate amount of attention for how ultimately irrelevant he is to the plot, i literally would not care about tua at all without him.

on the flipside of that, i want to love allison so badly, but she gets no time or attention or development at all. her main traits are inc*st and missing her child. she gets nothing beyond that, and we dont know as much about her as the rest of the siblings. it hurts my heart to see the only woman of color in the family being treated so obviously like a side character in an ensemble cast. im really hoping we see more of her in s2.

thank you so much for sending these!!! i obviously love these shows a lot, im just picky about these things.

Send Me a 🔥+ a Topic, and I’ll Tell You My Honest Opinion About It!

#what a great ask wow #i honestly hate how much i love glee for how many bad things there are about glee #why am i like this #anons #answered asks #Anonymous

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soaringsearingphoenix · 4 years

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Valentine's Day Asks: The Prime Numbers

Wow! I dont know why i didnt see the notification for this one but ok, alright ah

1. do you have a crush on anyone?

I guess so? There are people who Stand Out to me and i call them crushes in my head sometimes but mostly I just want to be friends with them. Like I dont usually get dizzying sweeps of emotion for someone, physical or romantic, but I do get an urgent and baseless desire to hang out with them... maybe take a walk or invite them to get ice cream. So like if we’re on the same page about what I call a Crush on my emotional scale then yes. Theres a couple people.

2. what’s your favorite candy?

I like lemonheads and i will eat them until im sick of them if given half a chance. I also like snickers now because theres peanuts in it so i get to pretend im making a healthy choice

3. favorite love song?

Slow Boat To China, any version but specifically sung by Bette Midler and Barry Manilow. You know, like, just the corniest possible version? Partly for nostalgia, because it was one of like three CDs i remember my mom playing all the time when we were just kind of around the house when I was little. It also has the distinction of being the first duet I learned the words to (though as far as im aware none of my friends know the lyrics... i dont think ive ever actually sung it with someone) and it’s probably gotta be the one that gets stuck in my head the most. Right down to the dumb banter in the middle (“Bette, I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” “I don’t. I need a piano player.”)

I also like “Somewhere Beyond The Sea.” I think, as a general rule, that if there are boats in the words to a love song I will probably like it.

5. what was your last kiss like?

Meaningful

7. do you prefer poems or love letters?

Ahhhhhhhhhh to read or to write? I like writing poems because I think they’re... easier honestly? Writing is so hard, identifying your feelings is hard. Having some constraints makes writing easier, and a rhyme and cadence makes it flow. Besides, it’s more musical that way so I think for me it feels like a more natural expression of love. I do well with more structured expression, and not so much with making just raw, unrefined feelings known.

Not to say writing poetry is easy. It’s less difficult than a love letter, sure, but there are still potential pitfalls. If i make a metaphor that makes me think of science, the rest of the poem WILL be just an extension of the metaphor that gets more and more didactic until I’m just telling you science facts.

11. dinner dates or brunch dates?

Dinner dates. I decided that before i came up with a reason why. I think the reason is that an evening engagement means I have something to look forward to, or be nervous about but then i have time to mentally prepare myself. Whereas morning, even if it’s not “early” morning, I feel more stressed about getting there on time and then afterwards theres a whole rest of the day where i either have to get somewhere after, or its just this unstructured uncertainty. Dinner, youve already done the rest of the day, so you can be present without worrying about what you gotta get to after.

13. favorite perfume/cologne?

I... dont know that ive ever noticed a perfume or cologne and felt it was applied tastefully, because i think if it is insubtle it defeats the point. That said, if it’s actually well applied so that it’s less an overwhelming cloud that trails comically behind people you pass in the quad and more like when someone sits down right next to you om the couch and you get just a hint of their shampoo or conditioner, to the point where maybe you didnt even consciously notice it before but now you say “oh, you’re the reason ive been craving ice cream, you smell minty” if it was only that subtle then i think im generally fond of more smoky incense-y smells like sandalwood, or roses but i am picky about rose fragrances, so it has to actually smell just like fresh roses or i wont be able to overlook that the smell is not roses. I have this friend who went to my middle school, and we were very into scents and making potpourri and things. At the time, his grandma had a hand soap that smelled exactly like roses, it was delightful and he said as much and I said that it sounded amazing but I’d have to take his word for it, but then the next time he visited her he came back with a little jar of it for me just so i could smell it, and he was right, it smelled just like roses. Actually forget the roses, it will make me think of the hand soap and as lovely as that is I dont want to give anyone vying for my affection any reason to feel like they’re in competition with someone, or something. It’s not a competition. Learn to coexist with my memories, because you’re not going to fight my nostalgia and win.

17. what’s the most attractive thing a person could wear?

If you’re wearing something knit or embroidered that you made yourself Im definitely gonna want to talk to you. Also if you’re wearing really comfy looking cargo pants but thats probably because i want to know where you got them so i can get some for me.

19. snow, rain, or sun?

Sun because people will take a walk with me

23. what’s your dream wedding like?

Dont have one but if i did its in a forest or at least a grove of trees. Mostly small gathering, family and close friends. I have a dress for the vows i guess, just because ive seen a lot of Say Yes to the Dress so thats how ive generally pictured it, (which i only really do when im watching Say Yes to the Dress), but ive got comfortable shoes, and im gonna change into pants asap after. We probably do some corny thing thats kind of an inside joke. Each of us has a Best Man or equivalent, who carries a sword — we joke that this makes it a “traditional” wedding, though beyond that it’s really not meant to be. It’s mostly simple, though maybe have a little extravagance or two, like a chocolate fountain, because how often do you have an excuse to have a chocolate fountain. I tend to wander off from other peoples weddings somewhere in the middle, at some point i just get a little overstimulated, and the amount of people that will likely be invited makes this probable. At the reception, when the families and friends are singing and dancing, i probably quietly excuse myself to my spouse and drift away, finding a spot in a tree where i can still hear the music and the laughter from a distance. I am joined not long after by my spouse (and the thought is strange, and even then i cant quite wrap my mind around that word yet, the commitment it implies) who knows where to look for me, and who perhaps pulls a leaf or two from my hair as they join me on an adjacent branch. We sit quietly together for some time until it seems appropriate to rejoin the festivities, as it is our wedding after all, and the slow dance is coming up, and we will spend some quiet time later when everyone has gone home. It is nice, the dancing, and as tired as we are we still drift around the dance floor among loved ones long into the night.

I dont know if this is like... how i intend my wedding to be. Like i said i didnt have an answer going in. But now that im trying to imagine it, this feels realistic.

29. are you single?

Yup!

31. guitar or piano?

Piano. First of all because i am better at piano than guitar and second because you can do duets on one piano

37. do you like to dance?

Aw hell yeah!! I would call myself an... Inexperienced dancer, but if a song has a good rhythm or even if it doesnt and i am full of energy i WILL be moving and twisting and you ARE welcome to join me

41. favorite soda?

I usually go for lighter ones like orange or sprite. I found Lime fanta at a gas station once that tasted like green jello and it was good but ive only seen it maybe twice ever.

43. favorite ABBA song?

Gimme Gimme Gimme always gets me on my feet, and ive listened to it probably the most because it’s on my “Dates and Times Playlist” (the first line says ‘half past 12’ and then the chorus says ‘after midnight’ so its in with a collection of other midnight songs. Any time i hear any of the others i get this one in my head as well. Thatd just how it is.)

47. do you think about love a lot?

#just kidding of course i think about love a lot #but usually its how much i love my friends #apparently my love language is s c r o l l i n g to find old ask memes #long post #long post cw #thanks tho!!! this was fun #as far as my poetry goes #itll be like ‘my darling you light up ny world... like the sun’#and then its like ‘my world revolves around u like the earth to the sun’#and then its like ‘i love u for ur warmth... u make me feel alive... of every body around me its u i feel closest to... like the sun’#and then its like ‘ur light is radiant... hotter than a flame... ‘ something about not being eclipsed because youll still shine through #and at that point im just straight up talking about the sun #i cant find The poem im thinking about that just straight up turns into a list of traits the sun has like four lines in #but i did write a song that i definitely have the lyrics to #and the song is good because i didnt try to write it about a person i went in knowing it was gonna sound like a love song n be about science #actually i mightve wanted to write a love song but i abandoned that right away and changed the beginning i had to fit what i was rly writing

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freebooter4ever · 4 years

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i cant sleep and its too hot to fucking function in my basement so lovecraft country ramble time

ok so first off I TOTALLY CALLED BLONDE BITCH BEING THE NEXT BIG BAD fuck yeah! I knew she plotted to kill her father and this was her sole purpose for luring Tic in, not because she wanted his power or prestige but because she knew it would give her shit dad enough hope to convince him to commit suicide by attempting some crazy spell lol. But there is no way she has Tic or Leti's best interests in mind, i am one hundred percent convinced that this girl is after power in the way her father wants power - which is like an awesome way of highlighting white womens tendency to want to gain the privilege of white men rather than seeking to destroy the entire system of privilege. Thats why i think Tic and Leti are gonna have to take the white lady down. Also pretty sure the white lady and creepy stare dude are the same person and that she can switch genders which is kinda cool, but also if she is the big bad and her evilness is tied to her fathers hatred of women and then we throw in some magical sex change and bisexuality in there...yeahhhhh. oh well, im not too concerned cause the rest of the story is too ducking good.

I AM SO CONFUSED BY ALL THE HORROR STUFF like i totally get all the history references (except for emmit till that was very sad and wow what detail), but i am shooting in the dark trying to figure out how all these different pieces of lore fit together. i think that might be the one complaint i have about the show, the rules of the magic are unclear and not well explained....i am very picky about magic and rules, ive been spoiled by diana wynne jones expert handling of this. BUT its a cool magic and the history side of the story is spectacular so again not too concerned.

Papa Tic is gay isnt he :( and in love with that bar owner dude, and this must be why George is Tic's real father (still in denial that he is dead) and why that one random guy who seems to be an old classmate of Tic and Leti's keeps taunting Tic about it. Papa Tic being gay could also explain why his father beat the life out of him but not George, which was always a little wishywashy and uncertain. If this is the case, im gonna cry, cause like that suddenly humanizes this character in a way that i think could make it possible for this epic quest to mend Tic and Papa Tic's family.

Im in love with Leti, like the entire show could be her character and Id probably be happy. I wish we could see more of her motivations, and as much as I enjoyed the spontaneous kiss it felt...well...spontaneous.

Leti's sister and white bitch boy was...disturbing? I think it was supposed to be like a steamy sex scene???? I dont honestly know? It was just weird and fell under the im not watching this category alongside like the monsters ripping peoples heads off so...okay.

I CANT BELIEVE PAPA TIC DID THE THING and then the quote in the previews about the magic turning people evil....ALL this makes sense but like...as a history buff....I CANT BELIEVE PAPA TIC DID THE THING. i was super looking forward to having an ancient human deal with the modern world captain america style too. she was already one of my favorite characters and i was invested in her story and how they were all going to heal her and learn so much and then they just....did....that. im biased though, i desperately love any south american history and i think thats where they hinted she was from?? Maybe central america? It said something about many waters which made me immediately think of Tenochtitlan. but again i dont think im enough of an expert here to catch all the references.

ANYWAY if the way the show is headed is that this magic corrupts peoples minds this totally fits with the allegory of the systems of power (white supremacy/racism) needing to be taken down and obliterated rather than (as blonde bitch lady is doing) working to infiltrate them from the inside and take power for themselves. This is also fitting with the fact that Tic didn't do anything to 'earn' his power - it was just birthright and shows how superficial the secret society's connections are. So, hopefully because of this Tic will be able to see through the temptation (theres a lot of adam eve and temptation stuff to delve into too) and allure of absolute power and realize that by learning this stuff he is actually endangering his family even more rather than hope to wield the power and protect them. Kinda like poor Boromir and the ring of power actually.

I LOVE THIS SHOW sorry if this readmore doesnt work and i accidentally give someone spoilers

#Pls not too much horror lovecraft country liveblog

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teacupfulofstarshine · 5 years

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but for just one day let’s only think about love

(a gift for my darling wife @notveryglittery!!! you mentioned wanting more fluff, and i have delivered! i hope you enjoy it, princess!)

summary: it's the eve of their big day, and roman and patton want everything to be perfect. luckily, they've got their best friends in the world helping make sure everything goes smoothly - and who could ask for better friends? (OR: an absurdly fluffy royality wedding fic written for my lovely wife dani!)

pairings: romantic royality, background romantic analogical

word count: ~5759

(cw: the briefest anxiety in the beginning, tooth-rotting fluff)

read it on ao3!

“Why did I let you talk me into wearing a white tuxedo?!”

Roman drapes himself over Logan’s couch, knocking his best friend’s newspaper out of his hands as he flops into his lap. Logan stares at him, unimpressed.

“I did not talk you into anything. On the contrary, I attempted to tell you that wearing a white tuxedo was a terrible idea.”

“Why didn’t I listen to you?!” “I have been asking myself that question since you met me. However, the reason you gave me for your current misstep was, and I quote.” Logan presses the back of his hand to his forehead and drapes himself against the back of the couch. “I have to wear a white tuxedo!” he gasps, imitating Roman’s voice and mannerisms to a truly creepy degree. “Only a white tuxedo will offset my perfect golden tan and make me appear to glow when the sunlight strikes me just so! And since Patton always calls me his sunbeam, it seems only fitting that I should be truly radiant for our wedding day! Though not as radiant as Patton of course - ah, my lovely fiancé! How have I gone more than six whole seconds without mentioning -”

“Alright, alright, I get it!” Roman grouses, shoving at Logan’s chest to make him stop. Logan sits up, adjusts his tie, and leans over Roman to get his newspaper off the ground. Rather than reading it, however, he folds it neatly.

“What is this really about, Roman?” “I’m regretting my fashion choices, Logan! Obviously, I -”

“Roman, be honest with me. It is not the suit which troubles you, is it?”

Roman sits up, clasping his hands together and leaning forward. He looks at Logan, dark chocolate eyes hidden behind his bangs. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

“Not to the average eye, perhaps. But we have known each other since we were approximately fourteen months old, Roman. There is very little that you can hide from me.”

“Geez, Lo, don’t I have any secrets?” Roman jokes. Logan rests a hand on his knee.

“Of course you do, Roman. But your insecurities, your . . . your fears should not be something that you attempt to hide, from yourself or from me. Please do not misunderstand me - I am not attempting to pry into your life.”

Roman quirks a half-smile. “I know, Lo. I know you’re just worried.”

“Tell me, then. What is troubling you? You . . . you are not getting the proverbial ‘cold feet’ about your impending nuptials, are you?”

“No! No, no, I absolutely don’t regret accepting Pat’s proposal! I - I love him, Logan. I love him so much, he . . .” Roman twists his engagement ring around his finger. “Patton is the best and brightest thing in my life. He genuinely loves everyone and everything so much, and he’s so kind and - and -”

“I understand,” Logan says. “I did not think that was the case, but it was necessary to eliminate it from the realm of -”

“What if it’s fucked up?”

Logan blinks. “I . . . I do not understand. Could you please expand on that statement?”

“I love Patton so much, Logan. You don’t even understand, I - I could live without food, without water, without oxygen, without anything as long as I had Patton with me. He’s so important to me and - and I just - what if something goes wrong tomorrow? What if there’s a hurricane? What if Emile loses his voice? What if someone drops my suit in a vat of grape juice, what if Virgil’s shop catches on fire and Patton’s dress is destroyed, what if Virgil ends up in the hospital, what if Patton doesn’t want to marry me, what if he stands me up at the altar, what if -”

“Roman!” Logan says. He shifts his hand from Roman’s knee to holding Roman’s hands, which have begun to grip painfully at his hair. “You are engaging in cognitive distortions which are sending you into a spiralling panic attack. Look at me, Ro - it will be alright. I am going to count for you.”

Logan’s voice is quiet and measured, breaths even and steady as he counts. He looks at Roman, who does his best to maintain eye contact. “That’s it, Roman. Take deep breaths. We are optimizing your oxygen circulation in an attempt to engage your parasympathetic nervous system. The process of counting out your breaths will -”

“Thanks, nerd,” Roman rasps softly. Logan smiles, squeezing his hands.

“Of course, prep.”

“I’m not - it’s not that I don’t want to marry him, Logan. It’s the exact opposite - I want to marry him so much that I’m terrified by the prospect of the wedding being anything less than perfect.”

“Realistically, nothing can truly be perfect,” Logan says. “Much of what exists in this world is inherently flawed -”

“Thanks, Lo, that makes me feel worlds better.”

“I was not finished. Much of what exists in this world is inherently flawed, and therefore striving for perfection is unrealistic. However, this does not mean that we cannot strive for excellence. I may not be able to guarantee a perfect wedding, but I can guarantee that I will do everything in my power to make sure that it goes as smoothly as possible. You are my best friend, Roman, and I will be here to support you in every capacity that I can.”

Roman laughs, once, before lurching forward and throwing his arms around Logan’s neck. Logan, knowing Roman better than perhaps Roman himself, has already braced himself for impact, catching Roman and holding him. One hand slides up to scratch the curls at the nape of Roman’s neck while the other rubs Roman’s back in broad, firm strokes. These are the motions that have been proven to be the most soothing when Roman gets like this.

“Thank you, Lo,” Roman whispers, and his voice is so choked that if he were speaking to anyone other than Logan, he would be completely unintelligible. “This - I - you - you’re my best friend, you know that, right?”

“Yes, Roman,” Logan teases. “I had assumed that was why you asked me to be your best man.”

Roman makes an indignant squawking noise. “You are my best friend, too, you know.” He feels Roman nuzzle just a little into his neck.

“Love you, Lo.”

“I love you, too, Roman. If it will make you feel better . . . I have made an Excel spreadsheet to deal with potential outcomes.”

Roman pulls away from him, snorting in laughter. “Of course you did.”

“If you do not want it -”

Roman wipes his eyes, giggling. “Don’t be stupid, I know how many hours you must have poured into that. Let’s see it, then.”

Logan can’t help grinning as he picks up his laptop. “It’s color-coded.”

“Of course it is. I’d expect nothing less from you.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Patton, I swear to whatever deity exists out there in the great unending cosmos of the universe, if you stand up from that chair one more time, I am going to yeet my fucking pincushion under your ass.”

Patton, who’d been halfway out of his chair, promptly drops back down into it, giggling nervously. “Sorry, Virge, I just -”

“You’re nervous about this dress because it needs to go well. I know.” Virgil pokes their head out from behind the folding screen where they’re working on Patton’s wedding dress. “You do trust me to know what I’m doing, right?”

“Of course I do, Virgil! There’s a reason we’re partners in Fabricadabra!”

“I still regret letting you name it that.” Virgil ducks back behind the screen, muttering to themself. Patton can only see the vaguest shadowy outline of them moving around the mannequin on which his secret wedding dress rests.

“You’re just as good a seamster as I am, Virge, I trust you to work on all of our orders! It’s just that - that you’ve never hidden something you’ve made from me before.” Patton looks at the floor, wringing his fingers together. “I know you want it to be a surprise and all that, but I get married tomorrow!”

“I know, Pats. I’m not, like, working on the seams or anything! I’m just doing finishing touches! I don’t want you to see it before it’s completely done because I want you to have the experience, tm.”

“Did - did you just say the letters ‘TM’ out loud?” Patton giggles.

“Absolutely I did, it was for the fucking -”

“Language!”

“ - freaking emphasis. This dress is the most gorgeous thing I have ever created in my life. This dress has been labored over - SLAVED over - for months. This dress contains my blood! My sweat! My tears! My -”

“Virgil!”

“Sorry, Pat, but you get my point! This dress is the most important thing I’ve ever created. It’s my best friend’s wedding dress. I want it to be perfect when you see it for the first time. I want you to see it in all its glory - I want you to see it perfect.”

“Virge, honey, you know I’m gonna love it no matter what! It doesn’t have to be a Dior gown, it’s going to be special to me because you made it! My best friend, my partner in business and in crime, my best - human!”

Virgil pokes their head back out, arching a perfectly done eyebrow. “Did you just call me your best human?”

“Well, yeah! I didn’t wanna call you my best man, cause you’re not a man, I -”

“Bold of you to assume I’m human, Patton.”

Patton laughs. “Does ‘best enby’ work, then?”

“You are too much sometimes,” Virgil chuckles, shaking their head as they duck back behind the folding screen. “You can call me whatever your gay little heart desires as long as it’s not ‘maid of honor’, Pat. I’m really not that picky.”

Virgil falls silent for a few more minutes. Their shadow moves more rapidly around the mannequin, and they alternate between muttering to themself and humming to themself. Patton recognizes about half of the songs they’re humming, and tries to sing along where he can.

“Patton, I love you, but you are so far off key you might actually be in another one.” Patton rubs the back of his head in embarrassment, fiddling with the fraying lace hemming his skirt. “Shouldn’t be much longer, just finishing up a little bit on the sleeves and the neckline.”

“How much overtime did you pull to finish this, Virgil? Have you been sleeping properly? Eating enough? Drinking enough water?”

“I have consumed the life liquid, yes.”

“Virgil!”

Virgil’s head pokes out again. Patton squints, leaning forward to see how much makeup is covering the dark circles that normally reside beneath their eyes. “Pat, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’ve pulled a couple all-nighters. But I’ve done my best to avoid them, and I have timers set on my phone to make sure I eat and drink water on a regular basis. I’m practicing self-care.”

“I’m proud of you, kiddo,” Patton says softly.

“I know, Pat. I just hope you’re proud of my work, too.”

“Virgil, whatever this dress looks like, I promise it’s going to be wonderful. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you made it for me! And I know how hard you work and how detail-oriented you are and how super good at your job you are! I know you worry a lot about how good your stuff is, but I know it’s amazing!”

“Pat, stop, you’re gonna make me blush too hard for my foundation to cover.” “Why would you wanna cover up your blush, Virge?”

“I have an image to maintain! I am a cold and emotionless void!”

“You’re the cutest little gender-non-conforming void spawn I’ve ever seen!”

Virgil sticks their face out, cheeks and ears a bright rosy pink. “Patton, you are ruining my image right now.” Patton smiles unapologetically. “Come see your damn wedding dress already.”

“Language, kiddo, I - you’re serious?! It’s done, I can come see it now?!”

“Well, it’s as good as I’m gonna get it, so you might as well come look. Plus, I need you to try it on before the wedding to make sure you’re completely happy with it.” Patton almost trips over his own feet in his rush to get out of the chair as Virgil pushes the folding screen aside. All the air in Patton’s lungs leaves it in a single rush of breath.

“Well? You gotta tell me if you like it or not, Patty, I - Patton?” Patton’s eyes are brimming with tears, hands pressed over his mouth as he stares at the dress. The bodice is gold, with flowy, see-through sleeves of thin, delicate lace. There’s intricate needlepoint along the neckline and the waistline, with delicate floral embroidery on the bodice itself. The skirt is full and flowing, a gradation of blues. It’s so light it’s almost white at the waist, flowing into dark midnight blue at the hem, and the train is embroidered with stars and flowers. The layers of the skirt are varying colors of blue and white, and Patton is starstruck.

“You . . . th-this . . . Virgil, I . . . I . . .”

“Do you not like it? It’s too late to make, like, major changes, but I could theoretically change the - whoa!”

Patton throws himself at Virgil, sobbing openly and pressing soft kisses to their hair and cheek. “Oh, Virgil, it’s perfect!”

“You - r-really? You - you don’t think there’s anything wr-wrong with it?”

“The only thing wrong with it is that you think there’s something wrong with it! Virgil, it’s perfect, it’s everything I could ever want in a wedding dress! I couldn’t have done a better job if I’d designed it myself!”

“Yeah, there was no way in hell I was letting you design and make your own wedding dress, Pat. That would just be cruel.”

Patton hugs Virgil’s skinny little frame close to him, shaking with happy tears and soaking the sleeve of their hoodie. “Virgil, I could not have asked for a better wedding dress. Or a better wedding dress designer. I love it so much, I love you so much, I -”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I love you, too,” Virgil grumbles. They still kiss the top of his head before pushing Patton away. “Come on, Pats, you gotta try on this thing so I can make last minute alterations. With any luck, you’re only gonna get married once, so let’s go!”

*~*~*~*~*

“Where did you learn to tie a tie, the sandbox?”

Roman looks helplessly at Logan, red silk tie tangled around his hands and fingers. “That - Lo, what does that even mean?” Logan laughs, leaning against the doorframe. He’s already dressed in a tailored black suit, dark blue tie knotted snugly beneath his throat, hair neatly slicked back.

“It means that you are attempting to knot your tie with the skill and grace of a five year old in a sandbox. Was that not clear?”

“No, it wasn’t, Lo,” Roman grouses, standing up. Logan takes in his appearance - half-tucked-in shirt, unbuttoned vest, tie loosely slung around his shoulders. “But I appreciate it.”

“Roman, come here. Let me help you, alright? You’re going to look great.”

Roman tucks his shirt in and buttons his vest, letting Logan straighten and smooth his suit before taking the tie in his hands and beginning to tie it. “It still amuses me that you cannot tie one of these properly, Roman.”

“Hey! For all you know, I am the god of tie knots. I just pretend I don’t know what I’m doing so that you’ll keep tying them for me because I know how happy it makes you.” Logan smirks as he knots the tie, carefully adjusting Roman’s collar to make sure it lays flat over his tie.

“I would be inclined to believe you, but I know for a fact that you spent fifteen minutes prior to my arrival here standing in front of the mirror flailing that tie around pretending to be Amethyst.”

“Rude!” Roman screeches.

“Why? I am correct, am I not?”

“You’re right, but you shouldn’t say it!”

“On the contrary,” Logan says, “I am correct, and therefore I absolutely should say it.” He pulls his hands away from Roman’s neck, smoothing the lapels of his tuxedo jacket down neatly. “You may inspect my handiwork now, although I daresay you will find no fault with my knot. And even if you do, I can rest secure in the knowledge that it is infinitely better than anything you could manage.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the most intelligent being that has ever lived, we get it,” Roman says breathlessly, staring at himself in the mirror. “I . . . th-this is really happening, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Roman. It really is. You are going to marry Patton today, and it is all going to be perfect.”

Roman’s hair is curled, falling neatly around his face in soft waves and ringlets that perfectly frame his eyes. Despite his penchant for dramatics, his makeup today is remarkably subtle. His eyelashes are darker and slightly curled, with minimal glitter on his eyes and cheeks. The boldest thing about his face is his bright red lipstick, perfectly matching his red silk tie.

“You look amazing,” Logan says. “I am proud to stand at your side as your best man.”

“Thanks, Lo,” Roman says, tipping his head back to knock gently against Logan’s shoulder. “But you can’t do that - not yet, anyway.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you’re not wearing any makeup.”

“Roman. There is a lifetime ban on you putting any sort of products on my face. You know this. Need I bring up -”

“Lo, please? I promise I won’t do anything too dramatic, and it’s not that I think you look ugly without it I just think it would complete the look! Please, please let me do this? For my big day?”

He bats his definitely-mascara’d eyelashes, and Logan sighs. “I reserve the right to veto the look if I think it is too ‘out there’, Roman.”

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You won’t regret it, I promise!”

Twenty minutes later, Logan is blinking at his reflection in the mirror to clear the phosphenes from Roman furiously blotting foundation against his face. True to his word, Roman has not done anything too dramatic - Logan recognizes minimal contouring on his cheeks, shimmery silver eyeshadow, the barest trace of eyeliner. He looks . . . he looks good.

“Do you like it?” Roman worries. “I can take it off if it’s too much, I -”

“Roman, I - it is - satisfactory,” Logan cuts him off, trying not to sound choked up.

“Damn it, Lo! You’re gonna make me cry with all your compliments, and if my mascara runs I’ll kill you I swear to God.”

“With your penchant for crying at emotional situations, I’m impressed that you think you’re getting through this wedding without wearing waterproof mascara.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Patton, if you don’t stop moving I’m gonna take your eye out with the mascara wand!”

“It’s rude to threaten someone on their wedding day,” Patton giggles. “It’s not a threat!” Virgil snaps. “You’re so damn ticklish and fidgety that I’m gonna end up accidentally stabbing your eye out! And then Roman’s gonna kill me to defend your honor and Logan’s gonna help because he’s been Roman’s friend longer than he’s been my boyfriend and -”

“Virgil! Calm down!” Patton says. He gently takes their hands, careful not to let the mascara smudge on his gloves. “I’m sorry, I’ll sit stiller. More still? I’ll fidget less, I promise.”

“Do you not trust me to make you look good?” Virgil asks, in a small voice.

“Oh, sweetheart, of course I do! Just look at you!” Patton gestures to the beauty-guru level makeup on Virgil’s face, from their silvery-purple-black eyeshadow to their dark purple lipstick to the way their cheekbones shine just a little more than the rest of their face. “You’re the best makeup person I know! But don’t tell Ro I said that, okay?”

“Don’t worry, Pat, I know better than to injure Princey’s precious ego. The last time I did that he pouted around for a whole week until I apologized. Not that I meant it - I was right the first time.”

“Hey, be nice,” Patton warns. Virgil shrugs, quirking a smile.

“Sorry, Pat. I know how much Princey means to you. If it makes you feel better, I don’t hate him like I did when we first met. Him not being a dick about my pronouns helped.”

“I told you he wouldn’t have a problem.”

“I know you did, Pat. Now hold still. Emile’s gonna be here to pick us up at any minute, and you need to be ready.”

Patton lets go of Virgil’s hands and obeys, letting them work their magic on his face. He doesn’t see the point in wearing excessive makeup every day the way Virgil does; he likes having his freckles on full display, and he doesn’t mind showing the occasional acne scar or blemish. But Roman had mentioned wearing makeup on their wedding day, and he hadn’t said that Patton had to but he thinks he would feel weird if Roman had makeup on and he didn’t.

Plus, Virgil really likes doing makeup, and they’ve apparently been planning what they’d do for his wedding for years now. Patton would hate to let all that work go to waste.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be done soon,” Virgil says, gently dabbing at Patton’s face. “If Emile gets here before I’m done, he can just wait.”

“I don’t want to make him wait too long!” Patton argues. “He’s doing us a huge favor by agreeing to officiate the wedding!”

“Please, Pat, you didn’t even have to pay Emi. He just loves weddings. He’s a loser like that.”

“Don’t you like them too, Virge?”

“I will admit that over my dead body, and I am denying any candor in your statements,” Virgil says, smooth and practiced. “Now blink onto my finger, I’m almost done.”

Emile shows up right as Virgil is preparing to put Patton’s lip gloss on. “Virgie! How’s my favorite twin?”

“I am your only twin, Emile, and I hate that nickname,” they grouse.

“Oh, look at you! You look so pretty!” Emile coos. Patton is inclined to agree; Virgil is wearing a silver button-down with a black vest, and a tie the same rich purple as their flowing knee-length skirt. Tall black boots lace up to just beneath their knees, and they have flowers matching the ones in Patton’s bouquet woven into their French-braided hair.

“Thanks, Emi. You look . . . adequate.”

“Oh, Virgil! That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!” Emile squeals, twirling around to show off the flaring of their pleated pink dress. “You’re doing such a good job with Patton’s face! Did you paint his nails, too?”

“Well, someone had to do it,” Virgil grouses, but based on their tone Patton knows that they’re pleased with their twin’s praises, smiling shyly as they focus on carefully applying his lipgloss. “Pat, smack your lips together, and then you’re just about ready to look in the mirror.”

Patton does as he’s told, looking down at his feet. His toenails are painted a bright, cheerful yellow, and he wiggles his toes where they poke out of his sandals. Virgil’s intricate wedding dress fits him perfectly, and beneath his gloves his fingernails are painted sky blue with swirling red-and-gold designs. Finally, he looks up into the mirror propped on the nearby table and sees Virgil’s makeup.

“Oh, Virgil,” he whispers, putting his glasses on and seeing his face in sharp, striking clarity. “I don’t care what you said about the dress, I’m paying you extra for this.”

“Pat, you don’t have to -”

“It’s happening, Virgil, whether you like it or not,” Patton sniffles, and then he’s hugging Virgil tightly.

“Hey - careful, Pat, your makeup hasn’t set yet! And you’re gonna wrinkle our clothes, and -”

“Shut up and take my love, Virgil.”

“Y-yeah, okay . . .”

It takes Emile another seven minutes to shepherd them out the door and into the car, but Patton catches the secret proud smile gleaming on Virgil’s face as they help him get his train into the car.

*~*~*~*~*

The church where they’re getting married is small. The wooden beams bracing the ceiling arc like the beams in the hull of a ship; when they’d first inspected the venue, Logan had gone on some sort of tangent about the historical and symbolic significance of the beams. Roman hadn’t bothered listening, too busy whispering and giggling with Patton and looking at all of the mosaics and stained glass and gilded paintings.

Now, standing at the altar, Emile at his side and Logan at his back, he tilts his head up, up, up to look at the ceiling. Dimly, he remembers Logan’s voice saying, “It is meant to represent the hull of the ark, the ship that supposedly carried two of every animal to safety during the Great Flood of the Christian mythos. The thought in designing the church to mimic this boat is that it will carry the members of its congregation safely to heaven.”

Privately, Roman hopes that this marriage will carry his and Patton’s relationship through the rest of their lives. He knows the divorce rate in America, he knows how likely it is that the average marriage won’t work out. But he refuses to let himself go down that road. He loves Patton, and Patton loves him. They’ve discussed their future a million and one times - he knows how committed he is to making this work. This is going to be the start of the rest of their lives.

His cousin Thomas is up in the choir loft, gently cracking his fingers and running them lightly over the gleaming keys of the organ. Roman can see Virgil waiting in the first pew, gazes out across the sea of faces belonging to his and Patton’s friends and families. Thomas looks down at him from the choir loft and cocks his head to the side, asking if it’s time. Roman looks down the aisle and sees two silhouettes waiting behind the opaque glass doors, glances up to Thomas, and nods. Thomas begins to play, letting a few instrumental bars pass by before he starts singing, voice rich and strong.

The door opens, and Roman loses all the breath in his lungs in one swift, silent rush.

Patton walks down the aisle slowly, timing his footfalls perfectly with the beats of the song. There’s a shimmery veil over his face, held in place by a glimmering silver tiara with sparkling gemstone flowers. Roman hasn’t even seen his face yet, and already he knows Patton is gorgeous.

The dress is stunning; he can see Virgil beaming, and he makes a mental note to slip a hundred dollars into their pocket before the night is over. He knows exactly how hard they’ve been working on this secret project, and how long they’ve been working on it, too. He’s seen Virgil’s handiwork, of course, wears their neat, precise stitches in a lot of his clothing. But that’s mostly minor tweaks - hemming pants here, fixing a torn sleeve there. This is the first time he’s seen one of Virgil’s original creations.

If this dress doesn’t get them catapulted to center stage of New York fashion week, Roman is going to sue the entire fashion industry.

The top is all delicate lace and intricate embroidery, clever flower patterns and flowy sleeves. But it’s the lower half that’s drawing gasps and exclamations from the wedding guests. There’s a pure white ribbon wrapped around Patton’s waist, tied neatly in a bow behind him. The skirt starts off pure white, but as it descends it becomes pale blue, growing deeper and darker and fuller and richer as it heads toward the floor. The train is a midnight blue, so dark it’s almost black, with shimmering stars and flowers sewn in. It’s only because Roman knows Patton asked for one that he knows what he’s looking for, but he finds it quickly - the train is detachable. Patton hadn’t wanted to change into a separate outfit for the reception, but he couldn’t very well dance with a full train behind him.

Virgil really is the cleverest designer that Roman’s ever met.

Patton reaches the altar right as the song crescendos to its climax, and Virgil carefully slips up to stand behind him. His beloved’s face is obscured by the veil, but Roman can tell that Patton’s wearing makeup. Virgil probably did that, too.

Roman owes them so much money.

“Dearly beloved,” Emile starts, practically bouncing in place, “do you how do?” His characteristic greeting draws confused murmurs and whispers from the gathered crowd. Roman can hear Virgil’s palm smack against their face without even looking at them.

The ceremony flies by like lightning, but it feels like forever until Emile is stepping back and they’re putting the rings on each other’s hands, saying their vows. Roman pulls Patton’s glove off, smiling softly to himself when he sees the designs on his nails. He takes the ring Logan offers him and carefully slides it onto Patton’s ring finger.

“Patton,” he says. “I - I wrote this whole big speech, and I even had Logan proofread it for me to make sure it was grammatically correct, but . . . but standing here now, looking you in the eyes - well, as best as I can, anyway -” Patton laughs softly, and some of Roman’s nerves dissipate.

“I agonized over the right way to do these vows for so long, and now that we’re here, now that we’re doing this I - I don’t think it matters as much. I’ll let you read the sappy speech later, but - but right now, all that matters is that we’re here, that we’re together. I love you, Patton, and I don’t care who knows it, but I also really want everyone here to know it.”

More laughter, from everyone else this time. “You are the sun in my sky, the light of my life, the reason I want to keep being the best version of myself. I don’t know if I believe in the concept of people who are fated to be together, but if I did, I know for a fact that I would be fated to be with you. And even if I wasn’t, I would choose to be with you. I - I would always choose you.”

Patton squeezes his hand, and then he’s taking a ring from Virgil’s hands and carefully sliding it onto Roman’s finger. “Roman, my sunbeam, the day that I met you used to be the best day of my life. Whenever I was feeling sad or alone, I would think back to that day and I would remember that you were out there, somewhere, even if you weren’t with me at that exact second. And I would think about the light in your eyes when you look at me, and the way you smile right before you kiss me, and the way you take those few extra seconds to make sure our fingers are perfectly laced together. Those memories always made me feel warm and happy, like I was standing in the summer sunshine. But that’s not the best day of my life anymore.”

Roman blinks in confusion, but Patton keeps talking. “The best day of my life will always be this day, when I look you in the eyes. And I’ll choose you, and you’ll choose me, and we’ll keep choosing each other for the rest of our lives. Sorry I kinda stole the last bit of your vows, honey, but what can I say? You’ve always been the creative one between us.”

There are mixed smatterings of laughter echoing in Roman’s ears, but all he can focus on is the fire in his cheeks and ears and the water in his eyes. “Pat, my makeup is gonna run,” he whispers.

“Logan didn’t make you wear waterproof mascara?” Patton asks, but Roman can tell he’s smirking beneath the veil. “Virgil made me.”

“I told him to,” Logan whispers. Roman considers kicking him, but he gets distracted by Emile’s voice. The ceremony continues on, with Roman and Patton holding each other’s hands tightly. Roman tilts their hands slightly, marvelling at the way the multicolored sunlight streaming through the stained glass glints off their wedding bands.

“You may lift the veil now,” Emile says gently. Roman squeezes Patton’s hands once before letting go and tenderly taking the lacy edges of the veil. He rubs the soft material between his thumb and index finger before carefully lifting the veil and flipping it over Patton’s head to reveal his face.

If he still had breath in his lungs, Patton’s face would steal it from him. His cheeks are glowing and rosy, and his eyes are perfectly framed with dark lashes and subtle eyeliner that brings out his irises. He has golden-red eyeshadow artfully painted on his upper lids, and his lips are a beautiful soft shiny pink. His mouth is slightly open, and Roman just wants to lean in and press kisses against it over and over and over again.

“By the power vested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I now declare you husband and husband! You may now kiss the groom!”

Roman gently cups Patton’s face, careful not to smudge or smear Virgil’s beautiful makeup job. He gently swipes his thumbs over Patton’s cheeks, right beneath eyes that shimmer with tears. “Hello, husband,” he murmurs, leaning down to brush their noses together. Patton pushes himself up on his tip-toes and presses their mouths together, cupping Roman’s face in return. On one cheek, he feels the softness of Patton’s glove, and on the other he feels the cool metal of Patton’s wedding ring.

His arms slide down to wrap around Patton’s waist and brace his back as he dips him, keeping their lips pressed together as wedding bells begin to ring and the congregation erupts into thunderous applause. He’s kissed Patton a hundred, a thousand, a million times, but this is the first time he’s kissed his husband, and the searing fire in his lips and butterflies in his stomach are fresh as the very first time he’d ever kissed Patton.

Somehow, he prefers this kiss to the time Logan had slapped him a high-five while they kissed.

(Later, at the wedding reception, Patton turns his back to the crowd and throws his bouquet of flowers. When he and Roman turn around, Virgil is holding the bouquet, and Logan is fidgeting awkwardly.

“Would now be an inopportune time to propose?” he asks.

“YES, because this is MY WEDDING DAY!” Roman screeches, even as Virgil shakes their head and furiously pulls Logan in for a kiss.)

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years

Text

So I have a rant and a half build up of rambling about my very first Percy Jackson Oc Elysia and I need to let it spill so all of you get to hear this info dump about her and my feels

Im putting a trigger warning here I made her when I first read the whole series a few years back. Her backstory isnt the happiest. So im going to put trigger warnings for mentions of (but not going into detail of) abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, so if you cant handle mentions of that please dont read this I dont want to upset you

Anyways I have years of work into this bab of mine and I need to get it all out

Also An important thing to note is the timeline of her(and my other ocs) stories. Basically it kinda takes place...as if Trials of Apollo didnt happen?? Sorta? I made her before it ever came out and set her story after Blood of Olympus before trials of apollo was announced so its basically diverges after Blood of Olympus...if that makes sense...I hope it does.

So basically....At the start of her story Elysia is 13 Nico is 16(from what I remember its been about two years since I read the books so please forgive me)

Ok this might jump around alot because im kinda word vomiting and info dumping about her so if something doesnt make sense please feel free to ask me to clarify I love to

OK SO MY BAB

So her full name is Elysia Angela Melina and shes a Daughter of Hades. At the start when she gets to camp shes 13.

Im going to attatch two pictures ive drawn of her to the post here

This is her with a referrence sheet of her at 13-14 and the digital picture is one of her at the present time that I tend to write about her at age 16.

So Elysia doesnt have things easy. She comes from an abusive household that really fucked her up mentally and emotionally before she got to camp. She ran away at 13 after getting kicked out of her sixth or seventh school and thigs got ugly at home. Stuff happened and she was brought to camp(im refining and probably going to redo how that happens) and well...she doesnt exactly fit in.

Shes on the shorter side for her age and shes lanky and skinny(partially from both skipping meals and sometimes only eating when she can sneak food at home) and she comes onto the scene wearing oversized hand me downs in all dark colors and long sleeves thats got a clear fearful and insecure posture and stance and is always trying to blending into the background and hide from being noticed. Shes got a thick mane of not very well cared for black hair and eyes so dark in color they look completely black, sometimes even in the light with pretty dark bags under them highlighted by really really too pale skin. So it makes her an easy target to be bullied ya know? But she silently takes it like she always does while clutching this beat up little backpack she ran away with as shes put in the Hermes cabin until she’s claimed(which has a 1-3 day delay depending on the god, because a lot of kids come to camp especially at the start of summer)

When she gets claimed she freaks out and panics because everyone is staring at her and shes suddenly the center of attention because it happened in the middle of the campfire.

So begins the bonding with her big brother.

Shes got alot of inner turmoils and traumas and problems and inner demons and as a result she has undiagnosed anxiety disorders, depression, and some PTSD along with a very low amount of self-esteem and confidence in herself from the ordeals of before reaching camp. Though once shes at camp and she eventually settles in she starts recovering bit by bit. She slowly gets close with nico(it starts kinda awkward for both of them and she comes off really quiet and shy and terrified of sudden movement so its a little hard but they overcome it)

By the end of her first year at camp shes gotten close to Nico but has a really hard time making friends with other campers her own age so she ends up sticking close to Nico and following him like his shadow because theres a period of time that heś the only person Elysia feels even remotely safe and comfortable around. And as a result at first she spends alot more time with Nico’s friends and various members of the Big Seven and she gets close to them as well(more to her siblings at first but she gets there shes a nervous bean give her time)

Though in the middle of that first year she meets a girl that soon becomes one of her best and closest friends, a daughter of Hephaestus named Karter Becks(the second oc for this fandom I made) and I’ll get to more about their friendship later.

So by the second year at camp shes settled in a little, shes decidedly become a year-rounder because she would rather be eaten by a harpy than go back to “that horrible place”as she dubs it(not to mention its very very dangerous for her outside of camp)

More things about Elysia!!!

At thirteen she had absolutely NO control of reign of her abilities. She couldnt raise or summon the dead, her shadow travel was horribly spotty and half the time she couldnt even do so correctly and her most experience with spirits is that she can sense them and she can hear and speak to them but she cant really see them( they appear as really really blurry shapes that hurt her eyes to look at for too long) of course she beats herself up over this lack of skill, mostly because she(stupidly but understandably) compares her lack of teaching and training and beginner skill level to Nico’s at the time current skill level. Yeah its dumb and yeah in the back of her mind where her common sense is she realizes this but she cant stop herself from doing so, just like she unfairly to herself compares her sword fighting skill to older campers that have been there longer.

She eventually gets her own sword of Stygian Iron, because no matter what else she tries no other swords feel...right to her. They’re always too heavy or too light too awkward to hold dont work right with her swings or just dont feel right to her so at some point shes overthinking herself to death about it and beating herself up for being too picky when Karter suggests innocently that she tries swinging around her brother’s sword. “After all Elys, whats the worst that would happen, that it feels too heavy?”

But what ends up happening is that though its too heavy for her, it still feels...right. The best way to describe it is that she feels more connected to her powers and to herself in a way. After hearing that she gets her own of Stygian iron and its...perfect to her. Its not too heavy on her wrist or too light to wield. And afterwards she actually starts getting some more confidence which helps her improve a little faster than before.

Once Elysia is fully apart of camp life it takes a long time for it to fully click that her belongings...are hers and her likes and interests and likes are respected. They wont get taken away or threatened, she doesnt have to hide what she likes or pretend she doesnt like one thing or another. She’s free to be her own person for the first time in her life and she struggles for awhile to adjust to that and accept it. Those struggles result in alot of scattered breakdowns and even one or two...relaspes that for once in her life she has a support system of her half brother and half sister, his friends, her two close friends, and chiron to catch her and help her back to her feet. She has people to lean on and depend on and not have to be afraid of and this helps alot into her recovery and acceptance of herself and her mental illnesses. It takes her two of the three years shes been at camp for her to get at the better place shes at when shes 16, where she now has a small group of good friends, shes managed to bring up some of her self-esteem and self confidence, shes been clean for a year and shes in therapy for her PTSD and depression and shes opened up more to those around her and shes not the terrified jumps at her own shadow kid but a more quiet but kindhearted and sometimes even giggly teen whose slowly getting her life back together with plans for the future.

But on the topic of things she likes...

This girl loves-no ADORES animals, all kinds mythical or not. She didnt show it at first but she was so SOOOO excited when she realized the camp had Pegasi even though she tried to keep a distance from them because she realized she made them nervous. Oh man you shouldve SEEN her when Chiron took a group of campers her age into the woods and they caught a glimpse of a passing through unicorn. She was giddy about it for DAYS guys. She just...she has so much love and admiration and excitement for animals its so cute you guys.

Elysia also loves(ironically) learning about Mythology, from all over the world. Its her special interest and when she finds and buys a old broken touch screen phone(or one of those touch screen i-pod or something) and gets Karter to fiddle with it and (eventually after shenanigan filled misadventures of trying to upgrade it to not be detected by monsters and fix the cracked screen) she fills that thing to the brim of downloaded auidobooks of different mythologies as she can and she listens to them when doing schoolwork(she ends up having do be “homeschool” by online classes because things just do not go right when trying to attend schools outside of the protected borders)

She also loves anything soft. Especially stuffed animals. Oh my god she loves stuffed animals, well into her teens. She had one she managed to bring with her to camp that is her ultimate comfort object, a older beat up and been through a life time of ringers and back stuffed husky doll that she cherishes and takes care of like one might take care of gold. Over time (once they found out her birthday--October 5th) she starts getting stuffed animals as presents or just even as little splurges on herself . She also loves soft blankets soft clothes soft anything. She loves the texture and feel of it and it makes her happy.

She’s an aspiring writer and songwriter and can even sing a little but she has no confidence in her ability in any of those. But she has boxes and piles of notebooks and journals filled with little cartoony doodles and pages upon pages of stories and songs shes been writing for years now

Fun fact during her first year at camp Percy and Annabeth dropped by for a visit during their winter break to visit friends and I have this whole little story I might post about hoe when Percy’s walking to go meet someone he finds Elysia sitting alone at the beach doodling animals in her journal and he goes up to her(shes sitting all curled up so at a distance it probably looked like she was crying or something) to see if shes ok and because Nico had been telling him about her via iris messages and updates since she got there but he didnt get to meet her during the summer(stuff happened and she kinda hid from alot of people) but he finds her and he sits with her(after announcing his presence because Nico has told him about her being very jumpy and easily scared and that at that point hes the only one she really opens up to so dont take offense to it) and they sit for a bit and Percy asks her about her doodles and she just, for the first time like ever, she starts to open up because she gets so freaking excited and hyper about it that she just starts babbling away about her doodles and the animals of them and then about animals in general and she goes on this whole, like 30-40 minute info dump/ rant about them complete with diverting tangent questions that she answers herself before continuing with this just lit up and openly happy and ecstatic expression as she goes on and on while hes sitting there just listening to her and smiling down at her partly nostalgically because at that moment she reminds him so much of how Nico was when he first met him and you got him started on Mythomagic and that shes being so open about her excitement and then she looks at him and realizing what she was doing and she shuts herself up now panicking about how much she just word vomited on her big brother’s friend and more importantly this huge shot demigod Son of Poseidon whose saved the world not once but TWICE and who is probably very busy too busy to be hanging around with her--you get the idea of her panicking until Percy slowly reaches out his hand and she nods to let him know its ok and he ruffles her hair and tells her its ok he liked listening to her and holy shit I went on a tangent about that.

She also has alot of sweet bonding moments with Nico and Hazel because they teach her about having a loving and caring family and what thats like and its really sweet and cute and emotional

Did I mention she likes taking Nico’s shirts? Oh yeah she likes “borrowing” Nico’s shirts, and some of his jackets, mostly t-shirt and long sleeved shirts because once they get close his scent and presence really relaxes her nerves if she gets anxious. Of course its not stealing, its just borrowing and eventually giving back on laundry days...or he just lends it to her without being fully aware of it. Its cute because shes so short that they end up really big on her and she loves flapping the sleeves and the feeling of being engulfed in the safety of his presence without him even being there

ANYWAY COUGH COUGH

uhhhhhhh....yeah thats alot about her huh I think i’ll leave you all with that to take it and make sense of and I might make a part two(or you guys can ask about her too)

and yeeeeeeeeeee thats my PJO oc Elysia Melina!!

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@demidorks (im sorry if im bothering you by tagging you youre one of the pjo blogs I follow and one of my favorites)

#percy jackson #percy jackson oc #percy jackon and the olympians #my oc #oc info #oc introduction #i guess #my art #my artwork #art wips #pjo #pjoverse #tw abuse #tw self harm mention #tw suicidal thoughts mention

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29anima-blog · 5 years

Photo

Best. Convo. Ever.

3:27AM 4/03/19

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like sad.

Stranger: Hello

You: hello

You: hows it going fellow sad human :)

You: :(*

Stranger: Not actually a human

You: :O same here

Stranger: It's going alright, not really that good

Stranger: How about you

You: mehh could be better

Stranger: I feel that

You: anything particular or is it just life lol?

Stranger: Yeah, just need some inspiration to get me going again

You: aha i getchu

Stranger: How are things on your end? What can make your life better

You: ahh thats a big question

You: lets just say im quite an overthinker

Stranger: I know the feeling

You: So I worry too much about what I want to die with my life etc

You: but im going through a "not giving a shit phase" atm lol

Stranger: Yeah, that's a big thing for a lot of people

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find something you'll enjoy

Stranger: Umm are you in any programs? Like that the school offers

Stranger: Maybe you'll find something you enjoy there

Stranger: Its always good to have hobbies

You: hmm not really im quite an antisocial person so i hadnt considered it

You: i do music on the side for fun

You: but its quite pricey hahah

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Hobbies can definitely be expensive

You: yeah im currently saving up for some equipment so

Stranger: That's nice, goals yass

You: well what do you like to do for fun?

Stranger: ATM I'm into gaming

You: oo me too

You: although i havnt played games for a while

Stranger: Ahh

Stranger: I play shooters mostly

Stranger: I do enjoy other games occasionally

You: yaas pc or a console?

Stranger: Mostly console

Stranger: A little pc here and there

You: ahh i see

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: I'm just in love with edits in videos I want to be more involved with the community but like you I am also sort of antisocial at times

You: Ahhhh

You: you do edits?

Stranger: A little but I'm really not good

You: ah i doubt that

You: what types of edits

You: i wish i was good at video editing haha

Stranger: ATM kinda like a montage

You: ah thats cool

Stranger: I love the community but I'm just so scared of it tbh

You: ah i feels

Stranger: I've never really had anxiety and stuff, but I understand now

Stranger: There's a few people in the community I have a real hard time talking to

Stranger: Like my heart is bumpin' super fast and sometimes I get a sinking feeling

Stranger: Do you have any solutions?

You: aw one of my best friends is like that

You: hmm

You: well recently she's been forcing herself into social situations

You: umm

You: i would start small maybe just talk to a stranger on the bus or something

Stranger: I hate lfgs but it'll probably help

You: ahh understandable

Stranger: I suck online, in person I'm alright

Stranger: Idk why that is

You: i dont really like social situations but it doesnt make me too nervous

You: ahh really?its the opposite for me hahah

You: in person im awkward asf

Stranger: I can be too, but it's usually when I want people to stop talking to me

You: aha

Stranger: I'm not really one to tell someone to go away or shut up

You: For me it would take a while for me to be myself around you if id just met you

You: like id have to chill with you for a long time

You: yeahh me too tbh

Stranger: Yeah, I feel that

You: i get especially awkward if i like someone and im talking to them lmfao

Stranger: Oh lmao

You: thats the only time ill really be nervous

Stranger: Last time I was like that was middle school haha

You: ahh hahah

You: wait how old is middle school lol

Stranger: Do you play any sports or something?

You: we dont use those terms in the UK lol

You: yeahh basketball and I go to the gym a lot

Stranger: Umm like 12, 13, 14

You: ahh so how old are you now?

You: and are you into sports?

Stranger: 19 :/

Stranger: Yeah, wrestling

You: ahh 16 here

Stranger: Oh boy

You: Oo thats awesome

Stranger: Yeah it was fun

Stranger: Especially if you're good

You: i took up kick boxing recently

Stranger: Because then you can use it as like a line

You: i enjoy it way more than karate

You: ahh right

Stranger: Talking to a girl or something, be like aye come watch my matches

Stranger: Don't recommend sitting with them until after you shower tho

You: hahaha

You: ah well I am a girl so don't think i'd be doing that lol

Stranger: Idk some of the girls out here are spitting game

Stranger: Like when I was in school they were smooth af

You: lmaoo

You: id have to be extremely comfortable around someone to have game lol

Stranger: I'm just saying it's just natural for some

You: yeah ive seen

Stranger: One of my best friends, she had a guy miss his stop and go to her house I was like woah

You: god damn lol

Stranger: They ended up dating for two years

You: wow

Stranger: Yeah man, some people out here are experts, I've only been in a handful of relationships

Stranger: So I'm not the best when it comes to keeping people around

You: ahh i get youu

Stranger: Yeah, a lot of my relationships ended pretty bad

Stranger: How about you?

You: How old were you when u had your first serious relationship

You: aw damn that sucks

Stranger: Like 13

You: aha 14 here

Stranger: Wait what do you mean by serious?

You: when I had my first boyfriend

Stranger: Like sexual stuff or like

You: no just like

You: i dont even know what i meant tbh

Stranger: Yeah then, 13

You: rightt

Stranger: We we're together for a while going to each other houses to hang out and stuff

Stranger: I loved her family

Stranger: Super friendly

Stranger: We just drifted apart and I kinda was mean

Stranger: How did yours go?

You: ah suckss

You: well uh it was great at first

You: i was 14 he was 15

Stranger: Ooo

You: like we had a lot in common and many mutual friends

You: we were together for about a year

You: thinks just got ugly the last few months like he was really aggressive

You: and then yeahh that was that

Stranger: Like how?

Stranger: Idk I was just giving her the cold shoulder without even realizing it

You: at first he would just lose his temper and throw shit around or punch something

You: but then he hit me one time in front of all of my friends

Stranger: Yeah, that's a no no

You: and I was actually willing to forgive him but my friends didn't let me to

You: and im glad they didnt

Stranger: That's good

You: i was quite naive then but

You: nah lol

Stranger: I meant like them not letting you forgive him ahha

You: yeahh I know :p

You: were you in love with her

You: the girl you grew apart form

Stranger: Umm sort of

Stranger: Hard to explain

You: yeah love is a tricky word

Stranger: I tend to use it in the wrong sense

Stranger: Idk, she was really cool, we didn't really share many things but she was understanding

Stranger: Because we were completely different people

You: ahh

Stranger: At the end of the day, she had both her parents her whole life and was sheltered, I didn't so I knew way more than her in that sense

You: ahh :( must of been hard

Stranger: Eh, I had my uncles to keep me in check

Stranger: And even tho my dad wasn't there a lot to help me, he still showed me a lot of things

Stranger: Like never lay a hand on a woman, and look out for others

You: ah i see

Stranger: I'm the second oldest

Stranger: 2 brothers 2 sisters

You: ah wow

You: ive just got an older brother

Stranger: Was he nice ?

You: Well

You: when we were younger we pretty much hated eachother and he always hit me lol

You: but now he's more supportive and a much calmer guy

Stranger: Lmao

You: he had loads of issues i cant really hate him anymore

You: but he's quite a jealous guy so hes scared of other boys lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: Oh really now? Like he doesn't have guy friends or

You: yeah hes been like a dad to me pretty much lol

You: nah he does but like

You: hes scared of my interactions with guys because, in his words he "knows what guys are like"

Stranger: That's true

You: so he would threaten me to not have a boyfriend and shit lol

Stranger: Yeah

You: im kind of glad he was like that though

Stranger: Have you been to a part yet?

Stranger: Party

You: prevented me from doing dumb shit

You: Yeah one

You: not really my thing

Stranger: Go to a few more then you'll see what he means

You: Yeah I pretty much understood from that party hahha

You: pretty much an excuse to drink, smoke and have sex

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: Like we come from different places

Stranger: Out here in Illinois people are like less picky

You: oh really?

Stranger: A lot of my friends back back in middle school lost their virginity to the same girl

You: whoa

Stranger: So like I your brother said, he knows what guys want

Stranger: When I mean a lot I mean like 3

You: damn

Stranger: Idk, I just don't like the idea of my mans being with the same girl as me

Stranger: I've always been like that

You: yeah i get you

Stranger: I'm glad you're close to your brother I'm not close to my older brother

You: ah what about your other siblings?

Stranger: Closer but not super close

Stranger: I kinda keep to myself now

You: yeah im close with him in one sense, but theres a lot i cant talk to him about

You: ahh i feels

Stranger: Yeah, like when I was 15, I stopped talking to a lot of people

Stranger: Depression hit me hard

You: shit :/

Stranger: Yeah, shit can be tough especially if you don't talk to people

Stranger: Just a fyi, if you have issues find someone to talk to

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: But be careful because some people will use it against you

You: yeah ive always been a closed book

You: especially females!!

You: they love having dirt on somebody

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: That's how my umm relationship at 15 ended

Stranger: I told her what was going on and she told the whole school and stuff

You: wow wtf

Stranger: It was really bad because I was umm sent away for a little

You: jesus

Stranger: Yeah I was out for like two weeks

Stranger: 3 days at the hospital then about a little more than a week at the facility

You: ahh shit :c

Stranger: After that I didn't really trust anyone

Stranger: Tbh I only just started talking to people about my problems

You: yeah i get what that feels like people have broken my trust a lot growing up

You: yeah same really

You: I was forced into counselling and i hating going at first

You: my counsellor saw i hated talking to people so she encouraged me to talk to a friend

Stranger: The person I had listening, I didn't really like her do I stopped going

Stranger: So*

You: and this friend i knew i could trust so i told her a lot

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: I grew away from my best friend

You: Yeahh it felt really unnatural so i just prefered talking to someone close

Stranger: There's just some things I can't tell him

You: Yeah i get you

You: I was scared i would drive her away if i told her certain things

Stranger: Idk I want to tell someone but I don't trust anyone

You: but i still told her a lot

Stranger: It's not about driving them away

You: someone in the family maybe?

Stranger: Its about them telling the person

Stranger: I told you how I'm not close to my brother but we have a lot in common and he's closer to the family than me

Stranger: So I can't really vent to my uncles or cousins

You: right

You: ermm

You: the things you wanted to talk abiout

You: is it something that can be used against you in a way?

Stranger: Sort of

Stranger: It's more or less like I'll say something then they'll bring stuff to just destroy my character and stuff

Stranger: The way we talk is people get really defensive and start attacking you if they don't like what you have to say

You: ah i understand

You: thats a shitty position to be in :c

Stranger: Yeah, I can't tell any of my online friends either because I don't want people to think different of me if they know I tried to commit suicide

Stranger: One of the people in the community I love knows because she was one of the first people I told

You: damn

Stranger: But she told her bf back in the day and he sent me a lot of hurtful messages

You: people can be really ignorant about these kinds of things so i get its hard to talk about

You: what the fuck

You: thats so messed up smh :(

Stranger: It was like 3ish years ago but I still remember it

Stranger: He isn't with her anymore but when I do end up talking to her, my stomach sinks so much

Stranger: And my heart beats really fast

You: crap

You: have you spoken to her about that?

Stranger: Honestly just thinking about her just makes me nervous, not really very briefly

Stranger: It was just catching up and she has changed as a person and I'm just scared tbh

You: ahh damn

Stranger: Honestly, this is the biggest reason why I don't feel motivated. This is why I need inspiration

You: what specifically

Stranger: The fact that she knows that I tried to commit suicide and like I said I want to play a bigger part of the community and she streams occasionally and I don't want the community to know. Because I know I'll get a lot of messages and stuff

Stranger: Hate stands out a lot more than support

You: ahh definitely i feel that

Stranger: It makes me really nervous

You: what do you think would help?

Stranger: I don't know

Stranger: I over think as well

Stranger: Like idk one of my good friends I've been playing with for a year straight kinda did some lame shit so

Stranger: I'm not really trusting anyone

You: ah damn

Stranger: We umm got into some illegal activities and he liked about something and it was something big

Stranger: So I don't know how much he'll do to make the like true even if it means one of us will get sent away to prison

Stranger: Lie

You: ohh shit

Stranger: Yeah, so I haven't talked to that guy in like 3 weeks or so

Stranger: So I'm on edge and don't trust anyone

You: thats understandable

You: given everything thats happened

Stranger: Thanks for listening

Stranger: Even tho I don't have solutions for everything I will try to talk to people a little more so I can be a bit more friendly

You: Thank you too stranger this has been quite a good talk

You: and i never do this kind of thing lol

Stranger: Oh?

Stranger: What do you usually do

You: Nothing really I just swim around in my thoughts

Stranger: Aww

Stranger: I wouldn't mind listening to some thoughts (:

You: Like I know there is a certain person I can trust but I hate worrying people or burdening them with my problems

You: ahh I appreciate that

You: I don't even know where to begin haha

Stranger: It's cool just say whatever's on your mind

You: Okay just so you get a better understanding I'll tell you a bit about me lol

Stranger: I'm all ears

You: Right so ill just start to when I was around 10 years old

You: I always felt different and I was quite isolated from people because of it

You: like i didnt really have friends because the ones I had ended up hating me or breaking my trust or some dumb shit

Stranger: What made you feel different? Anything in particular?

You: and I got bullied for like a year

Stranger: Ahh

You: Uhh well

You: I thought differently to everyone else

You: Like

You: everyone was so much more willing to be ignorant about things just because it made them happier

Stranger: Definitely, I know how dumb people can be

You: And everyone around me would be after small meaningless things and I felt like I always thought big

You: idk what im saying hahah but yeah people pretty much thought I was a weirdo and i got bullied for it

Stranger: A lot of people miss the big picture

Stranger: I never really got bullied

You: so when i was 11 i had my first real real friends

Stranger: A little name calling here and there

You: yeah it really sucked im glad it didnt last too long

Stranger: What we're their names?

Stranger: That's nice

You: hahaha

Stranger: Were

You: I really don't remember now I left that school

Stranger: Awww

Stranger: One of my old best friends was cody

You: ohh you mean my friends

Stranger: He was a goofy kid

Stranger: Yeah silly

You: soz im so sleep deprived i read it wrong hahah

Stranger: It's okay

You: Well there was three of us

You: crystal, danielle and tamanna

You: them three*

You: and there was me

You: so it was a small friendship circle and i was friends with them from ages 11, 12, 13, 14

You: like there was additions to the group but i wont say much about them

Stranger: I feel that we all got our groups

You: but during these few years i was still that same weird different kid

You: but I suppressed that and acted like somebody else so I would have friends

Stranger: I sort of did the same thing

You: and yeah these friends weren't great, they lied a lot, said a lot about eachother (including me) behind eachothers back, spread rumours, told secrets

You: so I knew i couldnt trust them with the things i was thinking or whatnot

Stranger: Yeah, it's tough finding trustworthy people at that age

Stranger: You gotta find them before all that

Stranger: Hormones can do a lot to mess things up

You: so yeah, 14 years old was when I was really down about it, I felt lonely all the time because I was constantly stuck in my own thoughts

You: yeahh definitely

Stranger: Did you think about the same things

You: So I would spend a lot of time on my own which was the biggest mistake lol

You: pretty much yeah but

Stranger: Definitely

You: there was a lot i was thinking about

Stranger: Like what

You: Ahh things about people, things about like, our purpose

You: it got really unhealthy i guess

You: life**

You: i guess i asked a lot of questions which couldn''t be answered

Stranger: When I was younger I always knew what I wanted in life

You: ahh really?

Stranger: Yeah, it's kinda silly and a lot of people think it's lame but my friends and I all wanted to become pro players

You: ah thats sick

Stranger: That was back in the day 6ish years ago

You: its not silly at all

Stranger: It is, in the sense that it's a lot of work and a lot of people don't make it

You: True but, its good to have dreams and ambitions

You: something to work towards

Stranger: Most definitely but people need a back up plan

You: Yeah definitely

Stranger: What did you want

Stranger: Like in life

You: I never knew to be honest

You: generally I wanted to help or inspire people

You: but never knew specifically what

Stranger: I'm sure there's something that'll bring you in (:

You: but that all went to shit when i got olde rhahah

You: yeahh I'm waiting for it :)

Stranger: I'm sure you'll get the passion back and start caring again

You: I hope so

Stranger: Sometimes when I need motivation I watch some videos of people I look up to

You: Theres other things I need to fix first before that can happen

Stranger: For sure

You: ah thats nice

Stranger: Work on yourself before helping others

You: Yeah I know that I should but

You: idk i never really felt worth the effort I always thought everyone else was more important

You: second biggest mistake lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: I was actually failing a lot of classes because I spent all my time helping others and not doing my own work

Stranger: So I just cheated on all my paperwork with friends

You: ah wow

You: damn

Stranger: That was middle school tho

Stranger: Can't do that in highschool

Stranger: You'll get into serious trouble

You: yeahh

You: its kind of like that here

Stranger: Academic dishonesty is a big issue

You: slightly different system

Stranger: Especially if you want to get into a big school

You: but theres mostly exam papers

You: oh yeah 100%

Stranger: Yeah

You: ahh I have such little time to fix up though

You: like last year I was really stupid

Stranger: Why

You: and the year before hahah

Stranger: What did you do

You: ahh lets see

You: so

You: when I was 14 I just fell into a deep hole of bullshit and stupidity and got into the habit of harming myself

You: and I left all of my old friends and found new, even worse friends

Stranger: I feel it, I did the same sort of

Stranger: Did they encourage your behavior?

You: but i "loved" them for the reason that we would smoke a lot of weed together

You: no nobody knew i hid it all the time

Stranger: Ahhh, yeah drugs are definitely something interesting

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: I don't think anyone who isn't there mentally should do drugs

You: dumbest thing I could have done in my situation as it was the only think I was relying on to make me even the slightest bit happy

You: yeah so true

Stranger: Happiness can be tricky

You: and then in that friendship group was this one guy who I wont go into much detail about but we were both mentally fucked up so we were just toxic together and fucked eachother up even more

Stranger: I did the same thing

You: and my mum found out about me harming myself so i was forced into counselling, my mum was getting panic attacks because of stressing about me

You: which made me feel shit so i started harming myself again

Stranger: Awww ):

You: and then at 15

You: is like one of the most important exams we do in the UK

Stranger: We do it at like 16-17

You: and basically i didnt really care much about life so I purposefully failed everything

Stranger: ):

You: here its 15-18

You: 17*

You: and then i left to go to a new school because i hated everyone there so im going there currently

You: and the most important exams

You: well the first year of it

You: are coming up

You: and yeah I'm still not in a really good place mentally

Stranger: Do you know why that is?

You: I don't smoke anymore but I rely on hurting myself wayy too much

You: I honestly do not, and ive thought about it a lot too :/

Stranger: Is it what happened in the past?

You: i think its just many small things that just add up

You: maybe

You: this is weird but recently like im remembering stuff from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about

Stranger: Yeah, something like happens to me

Stranger: It's just weird dreams of the past

You: yeahh me too

Stranger: A lot of it is middle school stuff like dances and stuff

Stranger: Like dates and what not

You: ahh

You: for me its like when i was really really young

You: but idk because these memories seem really bizarre that im wondering if im somehow making some of them up

You: one of them which I know is true is the first time that my dad hit my mum

You: he never did again but

You: I dont know why im remembering it now

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: Umm I'm not sure tbh

Stranger: Do you believe in like the guy feeling and stuff?

Stranger: Guy

Stranger: Gut*

You: sometimes i guess

You: actually yeah

Stranger: Maybe something is going to happen

Stranger: I believe in it, a few weeks back I felt weird and stuff and then it came true

Stranger: Hopefully nothing bad happens

You: hm

You: yeah hopefully

You: idk thats not the feeling i get from this

Stranger: What do you get?

You: its more like me just remembering a bunch of shit i forced myself to forget

Stranger: Ahhh

You: but i just dont understand why im remebering now

You: of all times lol

Stranger: Maybe something that happened triggered that memory?

You: i dont really know

You: like sometimes its in dreams

You: sometimes ill just be daydreaming in class and remember something vividly

You: weird shit lol

Stranger: Nah I feel that too

Stranger: I was always in iss so I day dreamed a lot

You: i know a lot of people say that like things that happen in your childhood affect you when your older

Stranger: Yeah definitely

You: but would it still affect me even if i didnt remember them?

You: cos like some of it makes sense

Stranger: Yes I'm sure it would

You: when i think of these new found memories lol

Stranger: It's hard to explain over text but yeah definitely

You: yeah i getchu haha

You: but uhh yeah, theres a lot i need to change in my life lol

Stranger: Start small, silly

You: where do you even start lmao

Stranger: Ummmmm

Stranger: So how is your studying? Good bad?

You: terrible i dont even study haha

You: im basically doing what i did last year

You: i just have no motivation for it i guess

Stranger: But your future silly

Stranger: Don't you wanna help people?

You: yeah i stopped thinking about that a while ago

You: oh yeah i was gonna talk about taht

You: so uh

Stranger: Help yourself

You: Yeah like last summer

Stranger: GET AN EDUCATION SO YOU CAN GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT

You: lmaooo

Stranger: I just want you to do something you enjoy

Stranger: And not be stuck with something you hate

Stranger: Passion matters a lot

Stranger: And I'm sure there's some guy that'll love that you do that stuff 😉

Stranger: You'll be a major guy magnet

You: But yeah a little before summer one of my friends killed herself because of the guy I used to date (the toxic relationship guy) and it just showed me how different people are to how they actually seem. I basically started hating people and became a selfish prick and drove myself a bit crazy until one of my friends metaphorically slapped me in the face and woke me up. The hatred lasted for a few months maybe

You: i agree i still need to think about what i want i guess

Stranger: Try some programs, clubs or something (:

Stranger: Hobbies are always nice to have

You: yeah id just rather do hobbies alone than with people

Stranger: My friend went through the same thing sort of

You: i still sort of hate most people hahah

Stranger: I feel that

You: its weird but because of that i feel like i can read people and i know exactly what someones intentions are

You: which is stupid but

Stranger: Yeah some people feel that way

You: yeah i always think that everyones a fake

Stranger: My brother feels that way and I hate him

You: so it makes it hard for me to get along with people

You: yeah its really stupid i need to learn to trust people

Stranger: It takes a while but people's true colors come out

Stranger: Start small, work your way up

Stranger: <(^~^<)

You: yah i should

You: i need to do some serious soul searching hahah

Stranger: Yeah, I wish I could help, but I always knew what I wanted

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find yourself

You: ahh well you've been a huge help just by listening

You: ive said stuff ive never said before to someone so

You: its been really helpful thanks stranger :)

Stranger: Listen, at the end of the day it's whatever you want

Stranger: We can leave things here if you want

Stranger: Just remember to take care of yourself

Stranger: And please don't hurt yourself

You: ahh well small steps remember

Stranger: Life is beautiful

Stranger: Oh shush

You: hahaha

Stranger: See you around (probably not tho)- J

Stranger has disconnected.

#Omegle #Hamex

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Text

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

#talking abt being nervous abt it has made me a bit more nervous abt it...im trying to simmer down...dont have to die just yet...But You Know #also i could.

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