#its been forever since i wrote im going mentally insane

[vigilantaes]

name:   andy

pronouns:  she / he / they. whatever vibes i give u

preference  of  communication:  discord but i'm slow and busy to reply LOL my bad. its the adhd

name  of  most  active muse(s):   cass! im probably moving my wonder woman to a sideblog here tho cuz i miss her. also looking into another character to go w/ scoob's sandra... stay tuned.

experience/how  long  (months/years?):  like my whole ass life.... i think i literally started rping on wizard101. tumblr wise tho i belieevveee 2015ish? give or take

platforms  you’ve  used:  besdies online mmo games, i started more serious literary rp on devi.antart. got on tumblr a few years later and thats my fave to this day. not a fan of discord rp

best  experience:  man there were so many... obligatory best experience being meeting my fiance on here or whatever. imma be honest i wouldnt have mentioned this if kat didnt also almost forget and put it on her's GEHSUIEGSJKHDG but my best muses were probably when me and her were writing shin.obu and ka.nae from demon slayer. still am obsessed w/ those portrayals. probably my peak. had an insanely popular tsu.yu from b.nha blog that was also a fun time mostly

rp  pet  peeves  /  dealbreakers:  uhhh don't treat our rp stuff like we're in a dedicated 8 year long relationship or something because i do not take this website seriously whatsoever. also dupes who take out their dupe anxiety on/around me is the worst thing ever... especially bc i love dupes so so bad but ive had a long string of them starting shit w/ my friends just cuz they were jealous of something. we're alll just a bunch of nerds writing collaborative fanfiction its not that deep.

fluff,  angst,  or  smut:  i like all three! preference for fluff and angst but i'll plot out smut. never really wrote much of it myself but i'm open to that depending on the occasion. if i had to choose one i guess angst cuz im the best at writing that but i get bored of just one thing all the time.

plots  or  memes:  memes because my attention span is garbage and im sadly too busy to full on plot with people. i do loooovee plots but its also kinda difficult since it has a lot to do with if you and the other person vibe or not u_u would love to plot more tho

long  or  short  replies: i'll be honest. i love long so bad but it takes forever to write so i prefer like 70% short stuff and 30% long stuff. i don't like dialogue for more than goofing around. short for me is like 2-4 paragraphs and long is 5+, for reference.

best  time  to  write:  when my mentally ill brain allows me to focus/fixate long enough to do so AND im not being bombarded w/ ppl needing my help or job stuff. the woes of being a techy...

are  you  like  your  muse(s): in a few ways (like aesthetic) but not really, i've had other characters that i act way more like in the past. love her so bad tho she's definitely one of my fave character types to write even if i dont act much ilke her

tagged by @leopardblow ♥ ♥ ♥ tagging whoever hasn't done it! idk i haven't been on LOL

#ooc.

[itrocloud]

Tankman With A (Pre)Diabetic S/O

—

[ DISCLAIMER NOTE ;

this was originally planned to help me cope with my pre-diabetes, but i’m hoping this touches someone else. i’m currently in the FNF fandom so expect a ton of fnf content from me.

the basic overview is, reader is upset because they’ve learned they have pre-diabetes. im very thin and have it, so i originally wrote it with that intent, but the reader can be any size, and they’re struggling with their new diet and careless people, so captain helps. enjoy! theres one mention of my ethnicity, if it doesn’t apply to you, ignore it! i’m sorry but i also hope whoever may be reading enjoys this! ]

When John learns that his s/o is pre-diabetic, full parental figure comes on. He has an instant instinct to shape up his s/o and make them healthy.

John isn’t very familiar when it comes to diabetes, since him and his men mostly eat meat and vegetables, being in war and all— However he is mostly aware of what they can and cannot eat, but just for good measure, he does his research, and asks Steve, because Steve somehow seems to know everything…

His s/o also ran into the issue of, people still giving them carbs because ‘pre-diabetes’ isn’t seen as bad as actual diabetes. They always feel pressured to eat the food since those people went out of their way to get it for them, so they consume what they can before nearly throwing it up later since to many carbs make them sick.

His s/o expresses to him how upset they are since carbs was their whole life, due to their ethnicity. This saddens him to hear, and although he isn’t the best cook, he tries to make you dishes that are good for you and that you’ll also enjoy.

John feeds you healthy or low carb snacks, such as fruit or granola bars, or cheese sticks because those are yum! He lets you have a cup of coffee every morning with artificial sweetener since coffee is safer that way.

But, diabetes also means new cooking experience! You’ve kept yourself occupied in the kitchen all the time coming up with low carb desserts and meals to eat, so it’s almost like eating the real thing!

And of course, he doesn’t completely take away carbs from you, he feeds you bread and pasta every now and then, sometimes together if you’ve been doing very excellent recently.

John tries to reassure his s/o that pre-diabetes is reversible, so after a while of strict dieting, they can return to how they normally eat, but still maintain their moderation.

Once your blood sugar falls and is back in perfect health, John celebrates with you by letting you eat red velvet cupcakes instead of a red velvet cake, and its way cuter because you can feed each other cupcakes and watch icing get smeared on each others lips.

New jokes. Will say shit like “what if my cum gave you insulin” or “what if my dick had carbs”.

—

[ END NOTE ;

SORRY FOR THE LAST PART MY BOYFRIEND SAYS THAT STUFF TO ME ALL THE TIME???

im gonna be honest this looked WAYY longer in my notes :| i hope it was still enjoyable though! thank you for reading! my account will hopefully be back up and running soon after being gone for a whole year i think— ]

#tankman #tankmen #x reader #tankman x reader #fnf tankman #fnf #its been forever since i wrote im going mentally insane #iM SORRY IF THIS IS SO SHIT PLS DONT KILL ME FNF FANDOM

[basisoffunk]

3 years

Its almost been three years since I truly lost my mind, I cant say I have it back and ever will, but I can say today how thankful I am. Im not thankful that I hurt someone who helped me and cared or me so much, hurt fuck I destroyed her life and I cant blame it on the diagnosis, I can only blame it on myself for not taking care of my brain. and more so I have to blame it on my selfishness, my immaturity, my lack of self love and purpose. I AM NOT THANKFUL for kicking my mothers dead-bolted door in, then holding my own life hostage and coming entirely. close to trying to fight 5 cops in a suburb, then ended up handcuffed in broad daylight put in a cop car and taken to a triage unit for 10 hours until shunted against my will into a Acute Psyche Ward, and then within a year being hospitalized 4 more times.

But goddamn it i wouldnt change a thing, because I found my light, my purpose, my WILL to live in spite of whatever my cursed brain tries to convince me. 

almost 3 years later, I am weeks worth of classes away from a certification that with give me access to a lifelong CAREER helping other people with mental illness, Ive been out of a psycheward for two years, I lead a 18-30 support group on the Campus of the local college every other week. Once every two months I get to go to The local city police department and TRAIN THEM on how to better help people like me in Crisis Scenarios. 

not only am I teaching Cops about mental illness, but im seeing them care so much for us, and I am Saving lives.

I have a talk radio module that airs every monday at lunch, in which I use my personal experience to try to teach people about mental illness, and I have gotten so much feed back.

Ive lost two close friends this year already from suicide, and that hurts me the most, but it fuels my fire.

By the time I am ready to leavd this earth, I know I will have done everything I can to make sure that everyone who suffers with mental illness is not ALONE.

Its not a glamorous life, Im not rich, but im alive.

I still struggle alot with my borderline personality disorder, but I think I will until I truly complete a DBT course, Im so good at coping and following the signs of my bipolar.

I stopped taking the toxic heav antipsychotic to sleep, I actually sleep naturally now, for the first time in years.

However once a week at least I have nightmares of that day 3 years ago, but from her point of view, I hear my name come over the police scanner, I see myself at the brink of insanity, And Each dream I   sit and watch her be torn apart by my actions, and looping in slow motion are her words she wrote to me to try and tell me how I made her feel, but I cant ever hear all of them, because when I speed read the note she wrote me my madness took over, and then my mother threw the note away before I could ever read it. Ive analyzed and over analyzed this reccurring nightmare, and I know what its telling me, I know I deserve to live in that moment forever, and I know I dont deserve to ever get to talk to her again. Im not looking for forgiveness or pity or care, I just want to talk to her. She messaged me months ago, but I was too scared that I would bring negativity back into her life so I stayed away.. but i just want her to know how she changed my life, shit she saved my life, I want her to know how I am, and I just want her happiness to never leave..

#first tumbl in years #rambling #life #mental illness #bipolar #borderline personality disorder #dreams #relationships #suicide

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hi Charlie

I used to write to you all the time when I was 14 and 15, but then I stopped. I probably got lazy and I also liked seeing what I wrote be published in the days that followed and maybe you got too popular but I no longer saw them, maybe they got lost. Anyway, Im 19 now and little has changed. Looking back is so strange because it feels like there is myself and this sweet little kid who was just so fucked up so early on and I just watch her existence and its so clear no one will be able to ever save her and she may not even have the strength to do so for herself because thus far she hasn’t really changed things that could possibly make a difference. I mean Im out of high school now and have a job so in that sense Im more functioning then the last 6 years but nothing has really changed, its still me and that girl. I have tried hard not to victimize myself in the past few months and think Im doing well but honestly I miss being sad, I miss not feeling anything, I miss feeling everything, I miss being crazy, I miss cutting myself so much. I can’t do any of these things anymore because there seems to be no time for that. Not actual “time” but I can’t afford to keep being depressed because now Im older and if I don’t have some good experience or something good, actually good happen to me then I might lose it completely. I miss being a victim and don’t know how Im supposed to not be one when my life has gone to way it has. I cannot help it. I miss being myself so much. I can’t cut because every things pretty healed up now and I can’t wear long sleeves all the time again but I do miss it so much, Ive cut my leg a few times but its not the same. I don’t care if people think cutting is insane it made me so calm like how being in a still ocean feels.  I saw this movie that reminded me of my life, especially when I ws younger today, and then I was listening to some Elliot Smith a little bit ago and now Niravana, all 15 year old me things, or maybe forever me things I guess. Anyway, it reminds me of feeling all the pain. Its so rare I can feel everything the way I used too. Not that I always wanted to feel it, because I certainly tried hard not too and eventually started to exceed more and more. Anyway, I don’t see a therapist anymore because my last two were kind of shitty. I guess Iv done an ok job at distracting myself so far since the summer but its all still coverage and i feel myself cracking a bit. However now that Im not in school it doesn’t have to be a spiral maybe it will just hit all at once. I mean I guess thats how it always is but usually theres more of a build when I was in school. It was easy to tell I was about to lose it because It was a decent amount. I was just thinking how fucking crazy it was I was never in a hospital because I was so so so fucked up sometimes. SO suicidal and impulsive and it truly was just me and I would just stop the bleeding and go on with my day because it was all so normal.I guess a part of me  now wishes I had gone to a mental hospital because 1. i needed it very badly but no one was there to say that and 2. back to the victim shit, god I would have eaten that shit up when people found out I was there. It also would have made explaining all this shit (when and if I ever do which is super rare bc who ever wants to here about this shit) a little easier in the sense that everyone takes you more seriously when you say hospital in a sentence. Im sorry this is so long, Im sure I strayed from my original thought. Also I’m really slowly lowering my antidepressant and I doubt that could be why Iv been feeling weird lately and by weird I mean feeling anything at all especially like the way I used too or closer to it at least but I wonder if being without the meds especially the mood stabilizer would make me manic again like right deep were i have been, I mead if the meds are all that make me function that sucks. Id like to feel again, kind of often even the painful stuff because it feels good to know I’m alive. because it feels like i have never been a lot of the time. I miss being me, whatever that was. No one liked that girl anywhow, so i have to be the somewhat funny, reserved, somewhat positive me now, even though thats not me full and will never be. Im not sure, truly honestly not sure if I will ever get over thing things that have happened to me but I guess people don’t and you just keep living, like you said, life doesn’t stop for anyone. I love you Charlie and I miss you.

#dear charlie

[blurrybenzoboy]

cw talk of EDNOS/fucked body image then like idek general suicidal thoughts and socital collapse Lol cannot figure out read more soz but legit this blog is 5 years ago who follows it  .... eurgh just tried jeans on that were tight af in January expecting them to not fit at all but they were slightly lose which seemed really dramatic. It’s not it’s just.. idk if shit will ever change in my head, fat is like a state of mind not a tangiblelook/tangible measurement of size.. and that doesn’t have to be the worst omg I'd rather die than struggle with this forever type feeling at all like..but.. the fuck is the point legit know tangible measurements numbers blah blah fuck off but I know and now am starting to question if regardless that information even means shit, what if the scale is legitimately a significant amount just off/broken... what if my fucking jeans can lie to me.. ok lol I wrote the jeans bit and yeah that’s ridiculous, this is ridiculous, just does it matter in a sense of im finding elaborate excuses to not eat cus I can’t go ‘well I’m a fat prick I’m not gonna starve to death’ every single time eventually I challenge it and I don’t wanna I just wanna...... not be fat lol but I don’t think it matters even if I changed size for whatever the fuck is ‘the better’ I guess my head just wants me to be smaller and like lol ok ye not saying I am healthy but I wouldn’t be at what is define by multiple different health standards (tried to find better than bmi and it just seemed wildly off for gender differences, where tf do I go with that when I’m trans, ‘at 6 months on t u can consume a single unit more alcohol and the male calorie reccomendation’ doesn’t help at all god even as it’s own thing its bs ffs. But ye just feels like I’ll always have shit body image and that’s like... well this possibly not brilliant behaviour won’t intrinsically change what it wants to anyway so why fucking bother but I can’t be bother with this anymore like urghhhhh fuck off cannot find how to do ‘read more’ do excuse me in my geriatric state of 27 if you accidentally stumbled across it or know me or god idek. lol (that’s what early 20s me thought of 27 I guess I intended to kms at 27 so relatively god how ancient xoxo like on my birthday I just...stopped caring about late 20s being older... only so many years u can pass past 21 and be like I’ve not made it yet shit shit shit I am running outta time... I’m not gonna make it however I wanted to I’m not gonna make much more of myself than this lol or at least doesn’t feel possible anymore.. society is falling apart, life is bullshit, there’s a pandemic, I’m legit just getting mentally more distressed just in different ways as I age yeet man don’t wanna wait this out too long... I wish I could just end it for the 27 club as a vacuous reason alone but I can’t lol guess I just gotta wait round for death and societal collapse, god can’t wait for things to get even more fucking dire, how much better can they realistically get like enough to work as much as other people but that’s l I t e r a l l y insane shouldn’t take 10 years give or take on disability benefits to see how not right or normal that is but here we are, thinking people deserve human rights is ‘alt left’ and some wild radical concept............. I just can’t be fucked then man I give up, go think that, go enjoy being evil like the bullshit government wow money so important but somehow not even enough, also need power so we can kill people who aren’t us.......chill whatever but I want out of this bs.  Guess I’ll google read more since this is long I am as unhinged as I sound cannot make it sound nicer so others aren’t like lol bye u low life... good Jesus Christ if your gonna think that fuck off then. So I started out to be like im a fat prick n its a mental thing I doubt will ever change and here we are right at I cannot be arsed to live in this society anymore but I can’t kill myself that’d be unfair on other hour her better keep myself alive just incase they want me for some bs reason I can probably no longer fulfil anymore lol.  I’ve written the ED (feels dumb af being this legitimately overweight and saying I have an ED but yeah guess it is or something guess bigger people shouldn’t be expected to feel like this by default, but yeah the ED part the least triggering I possibly can will avoid tags don’t want people accidentally finding this. Doubt long posts receive the unwanted attention my most reblogged post that was a thought not intended to be fucking reblogged like it’s glamorous or logical or good or cool or edgy or anything other than a rubbish self destructive thought I had...that at over 200 notes no longer isn’t just glamorising opiate addiction and suicide but hey that’s, Tumblr innit no porn anymore just stripped back to the human suffering it’s always been full of or pictures of...ominous windows recently lmao u do u yeet done talking.