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bloody-bitch-blogs · 4 years

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Myst and the magic pt 3

Apparently the girls name was Ryu, and even though K still didn't really know what was going on, she wasn't just going to ignore an epic call to adventure.

The two of them walked over to K’s house when Ryu stopped.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” she questioned.

“I don't really know what this is?” K chuckled, looking back at her.

“If you go with me, you can't go back. You'll leave the life you have forever,” the confident, slightly creepy tone she had earlier was gone and replaced with one of uncertainty and even slight concern for K, the girl she had just met.

She thought for a moment, she had no friends, no one that really cared about her, no one she really cared about. Her Mom wouldn't be back from work for another hour, moms boyfriend, Hunter, was probably asleep, that left plenty of time to pack and go. K hated it here, she was tormented by her classmates, Hunter, Even her mom would prioritize everything else over her. The little attention her mom had given her before she decided to move Hunter in after only knowing him three months was soon dashed because apparently her mom's boy toy was much more important than her daughter. K had never even had a friend before. No mom, no dad, no friends. K was alone, completely alone.

“There's nothing for me here, why would I stay when I'm miserable here,” She seethed. Walking onwards.

When they got to the house K pushed the door open, it was unlocked. There Hunter sat on the couch, fast asleep in the middle of the day. He didn't have a job, didn't do anything all day except complain. What did he complain about you may wonder, he bitched about K. Every night she would hear him and mom bitch and make fun of K. About how lazy she was, about how stupid she was about how everything would be so much beter if she wasnt here. She couldn't even go home without being bullied, and she just couldn't punch her moms six-foot something boyfriend like she could with bullies at her school.

K put her finger over lips and gestured for the her to come inside, they walked up the stairs silently to her room. There wasn't really all that much, a dresser, a bed, some knick knacks, clothes. A few percy jackson and girl in red posters hung on the walls.

Ryu looked over at said poster and grinned

“You listen to girl in red,” she purred.

“Haha, yeah,” K nervously chuckled, there was silence for a moment, gay panic.

K went along with packing her things, she got out her suitcase then she saw a bag sitting next to it, it was a black leather messenger bag with what looked like runes burned into the strap and a pentagram snap that kept the back closed.

“What,” She said, confused, looking over a Ryu.

“Thats a bag,” they said jeeringly.

“I get its a bag but why is it here,”

“They give them out to all the new witches,” Ryu stated as-a-matter-of-factly

“Oh ok-WAIT! WHAT!!!”

“Like i said, all will be explained,”

“Well can it be explained now?”

“I could, but I don't want to,” she taunted.

K started putting some of her things into the bag, then she realized it was an infinity bag, no matter how much junk she stuffed into the bag. She got to some old crumpled notes that stirred up some… bad memories. She came from a small town in Idaho, she fucking hated it here. Everyone was either a conservitive or actively trying to leave. She was sometimes berated by some of the more religious girls for not going to church. But hey, most people didn't care and didn't bother her. Then someone found her writing on tumblr. She posted a story that was originally a short story presented to her english class. She was proud on it so she posted it on her blog.

(TW: graphic depictions of homophobia, if you wanna skip avoid all the stuff written on bold)

A boy in her class found it and regonized the piece, then he saw all the gay stuff she posted on her blog. He shared it with everyone and she was outed to the entire school. From that day on it seemed like a select few had a mission to pick on K. She got called a d*ke, a f*g and every other slur and name in the book. She got into the habit of wearing her gym uniform under her clothes to avoid what she likes to call locker ‘room torment’. Between all the “jesus can save you” and “you should kys” she even got a couple of disgusting comments on “Your to pretty to be a d*ke,” or “I bet i could fix you,”. It was hell, no, it was worse than hell. There was this one time she was in science, and the boys sitting behind her decided to put a bunch of notes in her backpack. She found them when she got home and she was so angry. She stuffed them into her closet and the next day she punched them, one of them got a shiner and the other got a bloody nose. People didn't make fun of her much after that.

(for people who skipped, K was outed and bullied)

After K was finished packing her and Ryu sneaked down the stairs. Walking out of the house K stopped to look at her home one last time, she would never go back there, her feet would never stomp across this land. She walked and never regretted her decision

#Myst and the magic #original story #original content #original writing #fantasy #lesbian charector #Bi charector #original character

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deuce-duce · 4 years

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Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

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strawberryspeachy · 4 years

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3 years ago my cat had kittens... i could still talk to my mom kind of.... and... things were ok aside from me being upset over some dumb boy

And i was thinking how i wanna go back. I miss my mom so much i want to go back. And was like. Well that wasnt a good time, a year before was better right?

Leading me to the reason why I was so miserable as a kid.

Look. Im a miserable person - i dont want to blame it all on one person but fuck man...

Everytime i think about times where i was happy, i realize SHE was the reason I WASNT.

Middle school - i had friends. I was smart. I liked school. I had hobbies and dreams. But i never wanted to leave school because i didnt want to come home. I didnt want to come home becauae of HER

I keep saying her like im talkig about my mom. Im not. Im talking about my great grandmother

I just sat here for 10 minites telling myself im stupid and making things up and making things out to be worse than they are.... i bet that thinking comes from her in all honesty

Thinking, “did she love me?” Now. I dont care. I dont miss her. Everytime i think about her its upsetting that i had her in my life... the only good thing i can ever say about her is “i know what its like to have a strict parent” THATS NOT GOOD. like fucking thanks for screaming at me every holiday to eat correctly. Now i know table manners. Thats all you did for me - while making me dread every fucking family dinner which aside from you was wonderful because my family used to be cool.

She ruined every holiday. She didnt want decorations. Were were gonna burn down the house. We were making a mess. We were being loud. She doesnt want this or that in HER HOUSE. She constantly chased everyone out the door because she NEVER had anything nice to say. The second she entered the room everyone made excuses to leave. When shed open her fucking creaking door the laughter would stop, smiles turn to cringes and wed all look at each other with the “welp the funs over” face

She was just so mean. You cant be happy because you’re not doing something she wanted you to do. Or you fucked something up. Theres some reason that youre supposed to be upset or concerned. BUT YOU CANT WIN THAT WAY EITHER - if youre upset - how dare you. You have so many good things you entitled undeserving brat. Fucking appriciate everything. The best way was some mixture where you smile but are ready to be pissed the fuck off in a moments notice. Cause if you wete more pissed off than she was the yelling was cut in half and mostly just her telling you not to give her that attitude - instead of a whole lecture on why you’re a fucking failure.

Everytime i think of a better time in my life. Its not even that much better because of that demon in my life. Constantly teling me shes gonna kick me out of the house. Constantly telling me im a burden to my mom. Constantly telling me im the reason for all her problems and saying that my animals were going to banrupt her.

The only thing i did well in her eyes was that i got good grades in school. She beleived my report card. Thats all. Pretty amazing that she could beleive that but thought i was too damn stupid to graduate college because there was a physical paper in front of her that she recognized

If i cooked or cleaned i did it wrong - if i didnt i should have

Why am i always at my best friends house?! “Her family doesnt want you there!!”

Why dont you play with your animals?!? Stop making noise playing with your animals!!

There was no escaping her. I broke my nose in a car accident and my friends mom took me for surgery. She came running out of the house to complain to my friends mom about how she could have taken me but i didnt ask her and im so awful - right after my surgery. Cause like why dont you want someone whose constantly bitching at you and telling you how shit you are to take you to a stressful surgery?

Conditional love... i already knew that... but its like the first time ive used it myself and havent just attributed the description.

She was my step - great grandmother. Shes all i ever knew but we werent blood related.

She loved my grandfather and my aunt and even my aunts two kids - the way family loves. She was still a bitch but she didnt disown them when they bugged her

The rest of us. Including my mom. Conditional love. Its not like she never did nice things. But she did expecting something in return.

Maybe shes why i dont like dealing with people im not allowed to say no to. Like i have such a deep seeded hatred for that relationship that the second i sense it i just refuse to deal with it again. You couldnt say no to her. You couldnt. If you said no to her about ANYTHING pack your fucking bags and get the hell out of HER HOUSE. that was her favorite two words. She needed my moms and grandfathers help and asked them to move in. But. We were guests in HER HOUSE.

I had some trauma as a kid that I probably would have gotten over if the happy family i knew before we moved to my great grandmothers stayed that way. But my aunt was always miserable. My uncle ran away as fast as possible. And my mom. A people pleaser. You know those old traditions where a man marrys and then he fucks off and does whatever he wants leaving his wife to serve his parents hand and foot. That was my moms life. He cheated on her and the demon made fun of her for everything, apparently constantly telling “dumb poloc” jokes. My mom cleaned everyday and cooked and took care of everyone and took care of our farm basically alone. I tried to help... i was a kid... and she was depressed. You wouldn’t know if you didnt really listen - which no one else in my family did.

And i looked at my mom everyday. I didnt really get it. All i knew was she was a wonderful kind generous happy - all around best human. And yet. Her life sucked. And she was sad. And i wonder if my mom would have been so sad if not for the demon...

My grandfather loved his mom.... but he used to never come in the house. My whole life. He was always out. The moment she died, he was always in the house. Maybe because he missed her and was sad.... but... i dont think so.... he stopped drinking a case of beer every night too

This whole post just to say... im mad that if goven the chance... im not sure if id go back to any of those times where i had to live with the demon... even though everything else at those times were good... the amount of stress and misery she gave me... almost outweigh the good... and. There was alot of good. I miss so many things.

I wanna be with my mom again. Without the dementia. I wanna be with my animals. I wanna be with my friends. I want second chances. I wanna make changes.

I loved her dude...i used to wish good things on her... i beleived she truely cared about me...

When she was dying. She couldn’t talk. Her friend called. I offered to put the phone to her ear. The friend was dismayed when i aswered. The tone of her voice changed. And she went “oh. The granddaughter.” She asked to talk to the demon as though i was holding the phone away from her and like i just wanted to hear whatever secrets she may have and wouldnt actually put it to her ear. She hung up angerly... as though... i wasnt an upset family member... i got preoccupied by the pleading look in my greatgrandmothers eyes. She wanted me to put the phone to her ear... but the woman had already hung up. I told her she had to go but said shes thinking of her. She looked so disappointed that she couldn’t hear it herself. And i felt... still feel bad... for the dying woman in her last days...

But maybe if she hadnt constantly talked about me as though i was the worst person because i dared to live my life the same as my aunt with animals and friends. But then go off to college but take a server job when o couldnt find a better one. Talked about me like i tried to kill her myself and that i was so lazy and rude and terrible. Maybe. Her bitchy friend. Wouldnt have hung up upon even having to interact with me

And then. Even in death. She made sure that i knew my place. she wrote her obituary herself. She put my aunts kids who are 13+ years younger than me, ahead of me, when listing her great grandchildren.

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crazysaurus · 5 years

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It’s long and doesn’t make sense but I always feel better after a rant.

I don’t usually post anything of my own on my blog, but I need to let some stuff out so here we go. It’s going to be rambly so bear with me.

I have no idea what I’m doing. Apparently that’s normal. I’m young and even though I though I knew exactly what I wanted, I still feel like I’m drifting. Like I have no direction. People keep telling me to follow my heart and that I can do anything I want but that’s hard because I have no idea what I want at this point. I feel like I should know exactly where I want to go and what I want to do and take steps to make it happen. I mean, I have a general idea as to where I want my life to go. I went to school, got a degree, and have done a few jobs in my field. I love what I’m doing but the industry is very much about who you know and my connections are limited. That makes my job prospects limited as well. I hustle at my 9 - 5 office job and then come home and work on projects to hopefully get my name out there. It feels like success is just out of reach. But then sometimes I think that this isn’t what I want. That I should be doing something else. It’s hard to decipher between thoughts sparked by my anxiety and thoughts that I actually think. That doesn’t really make sense but I don’t no any other way to explain it.

I’m currently getting ready to move to a different city. It’s not very far from where I am now, about two hours away, and it’s closer to where my mom lives. My brother will be there in a few months and I’ve already been going there most weekends to see my boyfriend. There’s a job there waiting for me, something that doesn’t pay very well but that I love to do. I’ll have to work another job to make actual money to live but I can handle that since I won’t have to put so much energy into coming up every weekend like I have been. I haven’t told my mom that I’m moving yet. I’m afraid she’ll say that I’m moving for a guy. She might be right. I’ve convinced myself that there are so many other reasons for my move, but it always comes back to him. Would I be moving so quickly if he wasn’t there? I don’t know. I’ve always planned on moving to where my brother ends up, but he won’t be there for another few months. Maybe I’m making a mistake but I’m young and I’m supposed to make mistakes right?

I put so much pressure on myself to get everything I want as soon as possible. Trying to make my dreams come true as fast as I can is exhausting. People tell me that there’s time, that I should relax a little and enjoy being young. The little voice in my head telling me that if I’m not working towards something I’m a failure won’t let me relax. I can’t be doing nothing. I see other people my age working chill part time jobs and just living life and think maybe I could do that. Then I think of all the things I want to accomplish and that I haven’t really done anything and spiral into an anxiety attack about my future. My brain says that they have failed. That since they haven’t left the town we’re from and they haven’t done anything “significant”, they aren’t succeeding. That’s absolute bullshit. Who am I to say that they’ve failed? Who am I to say they aren’t doing anything significant? If they are happy with what they are doing and how they are living then they have succeeded. I think I’m jealous that they don’t feel the same pressure that I do.

As much as I feel like I’ve gone nowhere with my life, I’ve actually grown so much in the past two years. This time two years ago I was so depressed and anxious that I would leave my room for anything other than school or work, sometimes I would even leave for that. I lived with my dad so I didn’t really have to do anything so sustain myself. I was so unhappy with myself and my life and I felt like there was nothing I could do to change it. Then I went to visit my friends in another city. I realized that part of why I was so miserable is that I missed my best friends. I decided then to move in with them and I did. Finally getting out on my own, feeling completely independent and being closer to my friends made so much difference. Although it didn’t completely get rid of my depression and anxiety (that’s a lifelong battle) it made me feel like I could live my life again. Now that I’ve gotten myself to a place where I can function like a relatively normal person, I’m taking a risk and moving again. I think it will take me another step closer to complete happiness.

That was long and probably makes no sense to anyone but me and that’s okay. I have trouble talking to the people around me about how I feel and even just sending this out into the void makes me feel a little better. It relieves a bit of the pressure that’s been building. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts.

xoxo Steph

#personal #anxitey #rant #thank you for coming to my ted talk

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