#it's that kinda bonus track where there's 5 minutes of silence and you think the record is done but then BOOM surprise song

[flowercrowngods]

yearning hours (bonus track)

🤍 also on ao3

Seeing Steve like this always makes Eddie feel like he’s suddenly in on some secret of the universe. Like he knew nothing prior to this moment, like history is rewriting itself around the two of them just now. It makes him feel like the boy he is — young, stupid, with no idea about the world and what lies beyond, and absolutely in love with another boy. 

The light of the full moon catches in his hair, painting it silver and covering him in a sheen of light that Steve knows to wear like a second skin. He’s calm out here, his legs dangling over the abyss of the quarry, his hands in his lap, his chest rising and falling steadily. Slowly. Evenly. Eddie wants to reach out and hold his hand over Steve’s heart just to feel it against his skin, just to give his own some direction; to get it right. 

No frown between his brows, no tension in the line of his shoulders, no clenched jaw or balled fists. 

He looks beautiful like this; a playing field for light and darkness that treat him like an old friend that comes to visit, to stay just for the night. 

Steve is beautiful. And Eddie gets to watch; take it all in, the silver light on the bridge of his nose, the shadows underneath his lips, the dried trail of old tears, telling a glistening tale of the heart that combines history and future. 

Eddie watches as Steve stares out at the quarry, his eyes fixed somewhere in the darkness, unaware of his surroundings as he loses himself in that freedom he makes for himself every night he is out here. The freedom he is willing to share with Eddie, apparently. 

It’s a privilege. An honour. And still all Eddie can do, all he wants to do, is look at Steve and watch him and see. Justbecause he can. Because Steve won’t tell him to stop, because he won’t ask him about it, won’t duck his face or skip away from Eddie’s smile or his hands or his silent confessions whispered into his very own thoughts. Not here, not in the darkness. Not anymore. 

He wants to reach out and take that hand that’s resting in Steve‘s lap, weave their fingers together and breathe a promise into the air between them. Wants to tug on that hand and make Steve fall into him, make their hearts pick up their paces because for just a fraction of a second they’ll think they’re about to lose their balance and fall. Fall down there, into the darkness, and never see the light again. 

A breeze picks up around them, brushing through Steve‘s hair and making it dance in the moon light. Eddie’s eyes follow with rapt attention, but still it breaks the spell of yearning and brings a question to the forefront of his mind. 

A question about calm, about darkness, about Steve and what that means. 

Lifting one leg from the abyss to wrap his arms around it and give his hands something to do, something to hold, Eddie asks, “You ever think about jumping?” 

Steve blinks once. Twice. Coming back from wherever he went while Eddie waits patiently and watches. 

“Jumping?” 

Eddie inclines his head even though Steve’s not looking. “Off. Down there. Y’know...”  He trails off. 

Steve blinks again, a frown between his brows redirecting the silver light on his face before he finally turns his head to look at Eddie. 

“No. Not uhm... Not jumping." 

Eddie takes it all in, trailing his gaze over Steve's face, searching for something he's not sure exists. This thing between them that's been growing steadily. This thing between them that has lead to quiet nights at the quarry, to Steve talking about bravery and jumping and all those things that aren't meant for daylight. 

"No? What then?" 

Eddie reaches for a pebble, scratching its smooth surface with the nail of his thumb because he’s feeling restless again and he needs something to anchor him. He always does, around Steve. The boy just makes him feel weightless and heavy and floating and sinking at the same time, and Eddie is always just along for the ride. Wouldn’t want to miss a second of it.

Steve musters him for a moment and Eddie can feel himself tensing up a little, aiming to seem nonchalant with the pebble in his hand, like it’s the most normal thing to do for a boy who’s not ready to be a man yet in a world that never even let him be a child. A boy who failed his senior year three times. A boy who’s endlessly in love with Steve Harrington. 

The golden boy. But he’s painted in silver now in this moment shared just between the two of them. Maybe Eddie is looking for symbolism where there is none, his mind clinging to romanticisations and narratives of beauty and belonging just to defy the bleakness of the world that grownups have always been so adamantly demanding of him to believe in. 

Maybe he’s blinded by infatuation, stupid and colourblind with it. Or maybe it means something that this gold-skinned boy is veiled in silver light as he’s looking at Eddie like that. 

Like he sees it, too. 

Like he can feel it, that something between them that’s been growing. 

And Eddie feels hope rising in his chest for a second, dares to let his heart skip and jump and race, brought to life by Steve’s eyes trailing down to his lips; and falling, when the boy only huffs. 

“Nothing. It’s stupid.” 

Eddie hums, pleading his heart to come down, a little bit terrified that Steve would hear it for how heavily and rapidly it’s beating against his ribcage. “Tell me anyway?” 

He loves it, the way Steve’s lips tug up into a smile. A shy, secret little one, illuminated and captured for all eternity by the moonlight for one second, two, before he turns his face away and looks down into the abyss again. 

“I like when you do that.” 

“What?” 

“Tell me anyway. It’s… It makes me feel not-stupid. Or like it’s okay, you know? Like even if it’s stupid, it’s still there, still worth telling maybe. Not an empty phrase. Just… Yeah. You know I’ll tell you anyway, Ed.” 

And what do you even say to that? Nothing. There’s nothing for Eddie to say because his heart is still racing against itself and winning and losing and falling ever after. 

Stupidly, he offers Steve his pebble. Wondrously, Steve takes it, his fingertips lingering on Eddie’s palm, electric and tickling, and they both huff. Breathless. 

“Falling,” Steve says at last. 

“Hm?” 

A twitch of his lips, looking over for the briefest of seconds before he focuses on Eddie’s pebble, rolling it between his fingers, placing it in the middle of his palm, and Eddie aches to take its place. To place his hand on Steve’s palm and hold him, to have Steve play with his fingers like that. To be the centre of Steve’s attention more than he already is. 

“It’s not about jumping. Just falling. And trying not to.” 

Eddie swallows, biting his tongue, not daring to speak now. His voice would waver, his heart would jump out and he’d be found out. So he watches. Listens. Longs. 

“I’ve never…” Steve trails off and closes his fingers around the pebble. “I’ve never been good at not falling.” 

It hangs in the air between them, boring into Eddie’s mind, his thoughts, his desires, and it leaves him reeling. Confused. Blinking. 

Steve doesn’t elaborate, though, and Eddie feels like he’s losing his mind. He’s been there, he’s done that, and Steve always makes him feel like he’s terribly close to that, but… There was something in his voice when he said that. The same something that’s in the air when they sit together, just a tad closer than is strictly necessary or acceptable. The same something that floats between them when their eyes meet and neither of them looks away — until they have to, with pink-tinted smiles on their faces. 

This something that is reserved in the universe; reserved for them. Reserved for Eddie and his crush that has turned into a flame, a bonfire that keeps him warm and sustained and safe so long as he doesn’t touch it. Reserved for Steve and the way he doesn’t duck his head to hide his smile anymore, the way he started laughing more around Eddie, and the way he always finds excuses to touch him, to linger, to stay. 

And so, with a voice that doesn’t quite feel like his, he asks, “Why are you trying not to fall?” 

“Because…” He shrugs, frowning at the pebble. “Because the landing always hurts, Eddie.” 

And I’ve already hurt so much. I’m already hurting so much. Can’t you see it? It goes unsaid, but it’s spoken still with the tiny shrug, with the tone of resignation, and the way his voice breaks on Eddie’s name. 

It breaks something inside Eddie, too. 

“Steve,” he whispers. Thought that if he said his name, it would be unbroken. It’s not, though, it’s just a name that hangs in the air now. 

Steve puts away the pebble, laying it gently between them, and Eddie feels colder for it. “Told you it was stupid.” 

“It’s not,” he hurries to reassure him, insistent and desperate for Steve to believe him. “I’m not judging or anything, shit, Stevie, I’m just…” 

“Just?” 

Just thinking that I would catch you. Just longing to fall with you. Not just for you. Always, always for you, though. 

But it’s too much; the words are bubbling inside him, too close to the surface, ready to break out and face the world, but Eddie swallows thickly until they lose their momentum. 

So he shakes his head and breathes deeply. Watches as Steve’s shoulders fall slightly as tension bleeds out of them. Maybe it’s better for the words to stay where they are. Unsaid. Secret. 

He wants to take the pebble back, but he feels paralysed. Maybe it’s one secret too many. Maybe it’s what will break him, them, this something between them. 

But looking at Steve now, streaked in silver and a loneliness that wasn’t there before, something settles inside him. 

“I would catch you,” he says, like it’s that simple. “Give it all to find a way. It sounds cheesy as fuck, and maybe it is, but Jesus, Stevie.” His voice is small, gentle like he’s never really heard it out of his own mouth, and he reaches out to tuck a strand of Steve’s hair behind his ear. It was never out of place, he just felt this ache he needed to soothe. Just wanted to touch Steve. He always wants to touch him. “I would find a way.” 

Steve looks at him, meets his eyes over the thrum of darkness and secrets, over the terrifying petrification that seems to have overcome them both, and over the hitching breaths and skipping hearts that guide the hand of fate. 

“Why?” he breathes. Like it’s just a word. Like it’s not Eddie’s entire heart and soul laid bare, Steve’s name embedded in weeks and months and years of simile and symbolism, deeply ingrained in his every thought now. 

“Because I want to,” Eddie says. Like it’s that easy. He leans forward, falling toward Steve to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder and being the one to hide now. “God, I want to.” 

It’s a whisper, but Steve’s shaking underneath him. Eddie is ready to bolt, ready to run, his hands wrapped around his middle protectively just in case he’s misreading all of this spectacularly. Hoping and aching and pleading that he isn’t. 

“Eddie,” Steve breathes, but doesn’t move away from him. He sounds a little lost with it, and Eddie is reminded of the hurt, broken little sound that was his name just moments earlier. It makes him snake his hand out from under himself to lay it on Steve’s thigh, palm up. Inviting. Offering. “You can’t just say shit like that, man.” 

Eddie huffs a breath he wasn’t aware he still had in his lungs when everything has turned into Steve and falling and catching and wanting. 

“Why not?” And there’s vulnerability in it, spreading its wings inside him, pushing back everything else he’s been feeling before as a different kind of the same reality comes crashing down on him. Why not? Because we’re boys? Because you’re Steve and I’m Eddie? Because I’ve been misreading this after all? 

He pulls away, but Steve does take his hand before he can get too far.

“Because I’m already falling. And falling and falling and falling, and there you are.” Steve’s hand comes up to his hair now, brushing it behind his ear to meet his eyes. “Pretty.” He sighs, leaving his hand on Eddie’s cheek. “What if it’s too much?”

“You?” 

“Me.” It’s rotten work. 

Eddie shakes his head. “Never.” Not to me. Not if it’s you. 

“‘M gonna start saying shit,” Steve murmurs then, his face impossibly closer now, and Eddie’s eyes trail to his lips. He doesn’t want to kiss Steve. Well, he does, and quite desperately in fact; but not right now. He wants to keep looking at him, wants to keep talking, wants to drink him in and just to be there. Make good on his promise. 

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Cheesy shit,” Steve grins, though it wavers in the moonlight. Still it makes Eddie’s breath hitch. “Like asking you to hold me. And never let me go.” 

Eddie smiles, plucking Steve’s hand from his cheek to rest it in his lap, playing with his fingers and marvelling at the feel of them. They’re so warm. Maybe Steve has that same bonfire inside him. 

He almost asks. Instead, what he says is, “And if I do that? If I hold you? And catch you. And never let you go. And tell you that you look really good in the moonlight, and all that cheesy shit…” They grin, Steve’s fingers twitching in his lap. “Would you let me?”

“Let you what?” 

Eddie swallows, his cheeks heating, his heart racing again.“Be the one you fall for.” 

“Eddie,” Steve breathes, and the sound is far from broken this time, spoken as it is around a smile, accompanied by eyes glistening in the moonlight. “You already are.” 

His heart is soaring. There is no other word to describe the feeling that overcomes him, body and soul, and he wants to scream about it, wants to laugh and cry and jump and fly. But all he says is, “Good.”

“Yeah?” 

And, God, he sounds so hopeful, so innocent, so purely and deeply serene that Eddie can’t help but move carefully until he’s standing, holding one hand out to Steve. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, laughing as Eddie pulls him to his feet and immediately wraps his arms around Steve’s middle, leaving him to bury his face in Eddie’s neck and wind his arms around him, too. 

“Just making good on that promise, Stevie. Gonna hold you til you’re sick of me.” 

“God, I love you,” Steve whispers into his skin, accompanied by another breathless laugh as he burrows deeper into him. 

Or, at least Eddie thinks that he said. Maybe he was the one who said it. Maybe he just thought it, made it feel real with how strong he's feeling.

But before he can so much as freeze with the onslaught of both possibility and reality, Steve’s hand comes up to his cheek again and he brushes a kiss to his neck, one to his jaw, and then one to his cheek, before returning to bury himself in Eddie’s embrace. 

Eddie closes his eyes and just breathes him in as they stand there, just holding each other. Falling and catching each other. Cradling their something new in trembling hands that tell the tale of two boys terrified and brave, and smiles that speak of future. 

yearning hours | yearning hours b-side

#steddie #steddie fic #the yearning hours are not related by story. just by theme and imagery and mood I think #I'm still trying to get back into the groove after the worst writer's block so uhhh I hope this is fine? #dio words #oh look no one's depressed in this one!!! it's more of a deep yearning than a heavy one in this I think #not sure I'm happy with this ending but shhh #it's that kinda bonus track where there's 5 minutes of silence and you think the record is done but then BOOM surprise song

[dzpenumbra]

1/29/23

For the sake of catching up on sleep, I'll try to keep this brief. I woke up after 6 hours of sleep. Max hadn't eaten any of her dinner. I had 3 cans of her prescription food left. I felt really unsure of what to do... I had just thrown away an entire can of this food and I am not sure if it's set to auto-refill or what. I have no idea with all this like... tech shit. My vet has an app and everything. They just kinda treated me like I would know what to do or something? I don't know. And last time, it took a while for them to get the food in stock... So... I called the vet to check in with them on what I should do.

I tried to fill the person on the phone in with the situation, I guess it's a bit complicated? She hasn't eaten more than a few bites in 48 hours. Puked twice yesterday. Running low on food. Don't know if they're going to order my prescription food like they did last time. Don't know if I'm ordering this expensive food at all because I'm still waiting to hear her test results... Not the simplest situation in the world.

They put me on hold for a minute, came back and said my test results have come back, but the doctor hasn't looked at them yet... And, because of the puking, they sent me to Urgent Care and sent her paperwork over there.

I got dressed as quickly as possible, skipped showering got her in the crate and zipped over. That, in itself, was a big accomplishment for me. I get pretty self-conscious about leaving the house without showering. I didn't used to, but it been a thing the past 5 years or so. And I'm very like... I have to be 100% for driving. I get very paranoid about that. Between focus stuff, and astigmatism fucking with light sensitivity and all that, I just really... I like to be 100% for it. I take it very seriously, and it kinda upsets me how many people don't really respect how life-or-death driving is... then will treat you like a war criminal for smoking a cigarette 20 feet away from them. It's like... mind-numbingly stupid. Like... it makes me lose hope in our ability to reach our potential as a species when I see that shit. It's just another reminder that we're still just like prehistoric apes, we've just got really fancy gadgets and lots of fancy, complicated sounds we can make. Anyway, bonus points for just tossing my contacts in, throwing on some clothes and just bee-lining to the Urgent Care.

The Urgent Care was right around the corner from a spot where I actually turned around when I missed my exit when I was on the phone with my Mom on one of my moving runs. Like I had turned around in the parking lot right next to this place. So I knew exactly where it was. I got her in and we sat in the waiting room in silence, no headphones, just lo-fi piping in over the speakers, for about... I don't know... close to an hour, I would guess? I lose track of time with stuff like that, it gets a bit meditative in weird ways. It brings me back to days when I would sit in doctors office waiting rooms before we all had smartphones, and you'd just... find things to hold your attention. Try not to get lost in anxiety spirals.

This woman came out with a female dog who was visibly struggling. She was around my age, maybe a bit older. She seemed... very stressed, but very emotionally disconnected. Like... kinda numb, I guess? And sounded... almost a bit annoyed. Maybe that's just how she processed the intensity of the situation she was in, I don't know. She was on the phone right next to me, talking about how she needs to bring her dog to a neurologist. The poor dog was very unstable on her back legs, they kept wobbling and it looked like she couldn't really hold her weight, and her tail kept tucking between her legs. And she had that kinda... intense, almost manic old dog stare and smile thing going on. I think that look is a lot of pain, but I'm kinda speculating. And I tried to send some good vibes her way when she brought her attention around my way, without like... inviting her over. I would've loved more than anything to just give that poor dog some love at a scary time, but I had a cat crate on my lap and that would've been just... bad news for everyone. The situation brought me to tears, like actual tears streaming down my face. Just kinda... being what I called in reflection on it later "compulsively compassionate". Sharing that emotion. Maybe reliving my version of it. That was probably a big part of it. There were a lot of fleeting thoughts like that, like "last time I had an urgent visit, I left without a pet." I struggled with that the first visit with Max after my dog died. It took a few visits to get over that hump. It's pretty crazy to see how much progress I've made.

That sadness and grief wave passed when the woman with the dog left, and I moved my attention back to the present with my cat. She was very scared. We finally got into the vet office and the nurse was very nice. Like, she was obviously overwhelmed and tired. The place was like a revolving door of people with pets, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to work there. I... am not cut out for that kind of work. AT ALL. Way too emotional, too empathetic. This woman was nice, she was a good mix of... assertive in what information she needed, but also receptive to the context I was giving with my exposition. Like... a lot of people in urgent or emergency offices just take immediate control, so if you sound like you're going on a tangent or something, they just talk over you and shut you up. She seemed to be able to tell that all the information I was giving, while it may not seem immediately relevant, was all relevant. I warned that Max can be difficult when she's not sedated and told her to treat me a like a vet tech and I could help her get what she needed done. It went pretty smoothly.

The nurse, no clue if that's her real title, what the fuck ever... came back after running the situation by the doctor, she brought a bill estimate to me. It was over $1000. Radiology, blood work, etc. They were very thorough. I looked at it a bit baffled, but... I mean... what am I going to do? Part of me wanted to just say "where do I sign?", but I actually engaged with it and asked about the blood work. Like... she literally just got blood work done 2 days ago. Poor thing. So I asked them to... keep that in mind and see if the blood work she just got done was good enough, with that off the bill it would cut the cost almost in half.

What came next was... torturous. Sitting in the waiting room with my girl is not hard for me. It's tedious, but not torturous. Hearing animal screams from the other side of the walls? Hearing my cat's screams that I can very clearly discern is her voice, and not be able to do anything? That was actual Hell. That was just... fuck. That's gonna haunt me. And, looking at her now, completely on edge and staring at the front door all night as people parade up and down the halls (kids must be coming back from winter break or something, idk)... that's probably gonna haunt her, too.

I distracted myself by finally pulling out my phone and browsing Reddit. I found a post on a subreddit dedicated to meeting people over the age of 30, and it was some chick in Australia. She seemed nice enough, attractive, my age, into kinda artsy hippie shit it seemed, but the real standout was mentioning ADHD. So I said "fuck it" and wrote her a message. Why the hell not. What do I have to lose, I just get... ignored? Again? Like the last 3 times I did that? Because I'm one of like 200 men sending messages to this poor woman, and she has to dig through piles of dick pics and bullshit. It's such a different set of problems for women, it's crazy. I really do feel for them, but I hope they can understand how fucking powerless and hopeless it can feel when your shot is like... it feels like buying a lottery ticket or something, you know? And it's hard to not see that biological parallel there too, like sperm vs. eggs. Like men have to innately compete in a swarm kind of setting and luck plays a massive role, even above credentials or compatibility. And women have to deal with being swarmed, harassed, often predated, and deal with the pressures of... choosing correctly. No one has it easy.

So yeah, I put a lot of effort into that message and sent it from my main account, that has a whole bunch of posts in like... mental health support group forums and shit telling my story. I never deleted any of it. I still challenge myself every day to keep that stuff on my account, to just... make myself be okay with my story. And to trust, to have faith, that the people who accept me for who I am and what I've been through are the real ones, and anyone who's going to judge me because of what I've been through and not on who I currently am... speculate on who I might be because of that, and jump to conclusions? They can just naturally filter themselves out. I really feel like I need to be okay with that again. It's been so long since I've had that mindset, like... I haven't had that mindset since before I came off meds. Since like... probably 2016ish? I miss that feeling of liberation so much. I had a little flash of it in 2019, but it got stomped out by others very quickly and aggressively.

It's a tough tightrope to walk. Caring. I want to care about peoples' feelings, be attentive to them, keep their experience and their comfort level at the front of my mind. To be thoughtful and kind, compassionate. But at the same time, I can't comfortably be myself if I am... censoring, hiding or changing parts of myself in order to not offend the judgement of those around me. I mean, I can't really be myself at all in that environment, right? That's just... shaping my personality to whatever is non-threatening to a person that is controlling that environment, right? That shit ain't healthy. So... I do need to be mindful of that, and try to avoid people who make that a habit... or a lifestyle... It's really sickening how that... judgement and control and forced conformism through like... threats of looming bad things on the horizon... is like... fashionable right now? You know? Like cancel culture and all that. "Do what I agree with or else I will consider you an active threat to me and I will incite a mob and retaliate." "Justice". That thing. I remember talking about that in one of my therapy hikes back in the height of the pandemic. We were pretty high up on a hike going to a waterfall, we never made it there, it was spring and there was tons of mud, I remember it very vividly. I was struggling to find the word I was looking for. I was trying to communicate what I was afraid of, and that that fear was less about Judgement... and more... what people do with judgement. The act of acting on their judgement. And, I guess that's Justice. Whether it's like... empirically just or not... Acts of Justice. You know? The lengths people will go to in order to correct what they feel is something "wrong" in the world. And in some cases, I get it. I guess. It's a tricky issue. Eye for an eye seems popular, historically. But like... it seems like people are just fucking obsessed with it nowadays. "That dude cut me off in traffic, I need to make sure he knows how wrong that is." "This person has different political opinions than me, they need to be educated." Shit like that. It's... terrifying. Like, some of the worst shit in the history of humanity has been done under the pretense of Justice. So... just... as a plea from one soul out to the universe, please try to Peter Parker this shit - With great power comes great responsibility - and just... be responsible. Think it through.

How the fuck did I get on that?! XD Caring. Being compassionate. And that line between being kind and caring and catering to others... and being someone who conforms and yields, and even changes their standards of what they deserve. I think us PTSD folks can tend to fall a bit further on the yielding side (trust me, not always). It feels "safer", "conflict-avoidant". I promise that's typically just a feeling. That's a big part of the work I'm doing right now. Understanding that learning survival techniques to be able to live as a feral human amongst wolves is an interesting and admirable talent, but like... do I really want to live with wolves? Is that a life that will make me happy? Is that the life I want? And if not, what other options do I have? And how do I get there? That shift is starting to happen more and more, to actually... reclaim control of my life, rather than just take the scraps I am given and float on the wind. Which is super hard with the cocktail of mental health shit I've got going on, but is definitely noticeably different as far as quality of life goes when I have the clarity to zoom out a bit and see it. That nasty thing depression and trauma can do, where they kinda just convince you "these are the cards you're dealt, make it work." As though there aren't more cards out there.

So, my gigantic tangent comes full-circle. I decided to reach out to another person on the other side of the planet. Warts and all. I told her I am an artist and a musician, gave some nutshells on stuff I've been working on, shared my mental health connection there and how I'm hoping to try ADHD meds in the next coming weeks for the first time, and how I'm familiar with how much ADHD can fuck with your life. I emphasized how much work I've been putting into emotional processing and expression, given that I'm a sensitive person and that makes that work a very high priority for me, and communicated that I was really proud of my progress and honored to actually get to a stage with it where I've felt comfortable sharing the tips that I've learned with others. I sent it. Barely even hesitated. If it doesn't work out, her loss. If it does, there's a big spectrum of different things that can come from this. An infrequent pen-pal. A friend. A partner. Who knows. And if we do connect, I have every intention of just letting it be what it is.

This isn't the first time I've gotten this big wave of confidence in January/February. I've gotten this a bunch of times around this time of year. Weird...

So... all this was while I was waiting for the doctor to come back and tell me how my cat was doing, after hearing her scream in pain and terror from the other room and not being able to do anything about it. Kinda mixed feelings, eh? XD The doctor came in and... she was... I was having trouble reading her. She seemed like... almost like she was about to cry or something. I don't know. Maybe she had allergies? It was very confusing, and as she was talking I actually got self-conscious about like... being some kind of conductive source of emotions and that I was like... projecting these difficult emotions into her. A bit out there, I know, but... you never know. I get second-hand emotional overwhelm all the fucking time. But yeah, that distraction aside, Max was fine. Gas. Seriously. And the worst part? I've been to Urgent Care and the ER and lots of doctors over very similar and in some cases, identical shit. Actually, come to think of it, my situations were way worse than hers. Like people stuck fucking cameras up my ass and everything, she just got blood drawn, an ultrasound and fluid injected into her so she could rehydrate. So, I mean she had no idea what was going on, so that element is huge. But like... sorry kitty, I've got you beat on unnecessary medical trauma. XD That thought hit me very quickly when the doctor was talking to me, and I immediately flashed back to my own experiences and then returned. And my whole demeanor changed. I just beamed out "no news is good news", you know? And maybe the doctor was expecting me to be upset that I just spent like $1000 for an urgent care to tell me my cat has gas? But here's what made it absolutely worth it.

They went ahead and ran the blood panels again, just in case. And this doctor actually went over the blood panels we got done on Thursday with me! Which was awesome. So her thyroid levels have evened out! But her kidney values were a little fucky. However... the test they did tonight? Her kidney values leveled out. So she was actually doing a bit better now than a few days ago. I was, by far, most concerned with the kidney/thyroid shit. Not eating, puking, lethargy... that's like the beginnings of organ failure. I've seen that a few times, with my ex's dog and with my own dog. With my dog, she just didn't want to eat a banana one morning, then just laid down on a mattress and didn't want to get up. 24 hours later, she was gone. So, like... I pay attention to that shit with older pets. I am perfectly comfortable paying that much money out of my parents' pockets to make sure my cat is not dying. And, at this point, we can consider that compensation for hanging up on me and ghosting me for a week. Again. Not getting into that shit tonight.

I was given some anti-nausea meds for her, and some GI-health food of the same brand that she's been eating. I guess with her thyroid levels balancing out, they thought it would be okay for her to break the diet a bit. They gave me like 5 cans of that, which bailed me out a bit. So we just hopped back on the highway and back home we got. She immediately started eating the new food when we got home, so... that worked. I don't know if it was gas or stress or what, maybe she just has the same problem I have... super slow digestion because of constant stress and trauma? Who knows. But I do feel like I made the right call today, expensive as it may have been. I would not have been able to live with myself if I didn't play it safe with an elderly cat who already has preexisting organ issues. Plus, I love her and want the best for her, so there's that too...

I spent a good chunk of the night in the comfy chair with the intentions of spending some quality time with her, but she wouldn't come and chill with me. She's still on alert. Poor thing. Hopefully tonight we'll get to cuddle up some and bond a bit. I just want her to feel loved and safe, after what she went through. I have a fountain on the way from amazon for her, but I still wanna do even more nice things for her. She's well earned it.

Bed time. So far beyond exhausted. Goodnight.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[petri808]

Happy Halloween!

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 22 | 23 | 24 | 25

*Bonus Halloween chapter* it’s longer than normal (2k)

The biggest party in Tokyo was for a western holiday called Halloween, and the streets surrounding the heart of Shibuya that Saturday were literally crawling with a million young adults in every kind of costume you could imagine! Most of the revelers had no idea as to the origins of this holiday. All they cared about was dressing up and having a good time, including Lucy and her friends who’d dressed up as their favorite manga characters from Eden’s Zero. The businesses lining the streets in the area were used to the onslaught and welcomed it because it meant a nice chunk of revenue, while authorities did their best to control the crowds.

The group started off with Lucy, Levy, Erza, Gajeel, and Gray, but over time as others showed up or they ran into more friends, the groups numbers ebbed and flowed. Gray was the first to take off to meet his girlfriend Juvia, and once Natsu was off of work and joined them, Lucy and he split off to cruise by themselves for a while.

“Wow it’s so eerie how much you guys look like Shiki and Rebecca!”

“Thanks Mira,” Lucy blushes.

“Tch, I may look like the guy, but I’m not as dopey as him,” Natsu retorts. “He’s taking too damn long to make it official with Rebecca.”

“Don’t mind him,” Lucy giggles, “Natsu ships Shicca hard. But it’s even funnier to watch him and Gray argue over Weiszmura.”

“That’s because Gray is a blind bat who won’t admit they match!”

“Okay,” Mira laughs, “put the canons away. Are you two gonna check out the BUMP party at Womb nightclub?”

“Maybe a little later.” Lucy answers for them. “I heard they had some decent bands this year, but I’d rather go somewhere a little smaller like Sonidos.”

“Oh, yeah? Lisanna’s boyfriend Bixlow is the DJ there tonight.”

Lucy looks to Natsu, “we definitely should stop by and say hi.”

“Agreed.”

“Well it was nice bumping into you. I need to meet up with Laxus so you two have fun! I’ll catch you later!” Mira waves as she rejoins the flood of passerby’s.

Natsu takes Lucy’s hand and the couple continued walking around with no real destination. They stop in open stores to browse or grab yummy-looking finger foods from street vendors along the way. Despite the chaos around them, this was turning into a nice reprieve from their daily lives. It was already 1 am, but from the amount of activity going on, it was easy to lose track of time.

“Look, look,” Lucy points while dragging Natsu with her. “Photo booth!”

“Aww, really?” He whines, though the smile never wavered on his face.

“Yup!” She pulls him in and fishes out a bill from her wallet for the machine.

“Chi-zu!”

The pair chuckle and pose for the five shutter clicks. Each pose varying until the last one ending with a kiss from Natsu and genuinely surprised expression on Lucy’s face. It wasn’t their first kiss, but this would be a memorable one. For a few seconds as the machine printed out the slip of photos, Natsu holds her gaze, sweeping his thumb gently along her flushed cheek. There was a sense of intimacy in these confined booths where many a couple had hidden away from the public for this very kind of very moment.

“Thank you,” he smiles, eyes soft and pure of appreciation.

“For what?” Genuinely unsure of the reason.

“Giving me a second chance. These past few months have been the happiest times of my life and it’s all thanks to meeting you on that train.”

“I’m really glad too,” Lucy smiles sweetly. “Really... really glad,” she breathes out as she moves in to kiss him again.

“Excuse me?” A loud knocking sound stops them. “There’s other people waiting to use the machine!”

“Whoops. To be continued,” she gives Natsu just a quick peck and the pair get out of the booth. They apologize to the next group in line and race off hand in hand, laughing. That had been exhilarating!

Lucy’s heart was still racing even though they were long gone from the photo booth. She and Natsu had been taking things extra slow because of her earlier concerns. Aside from dates and a few kisses here and there, they’d never gone much further and she wondered who was the one holding back. Was it really her or was it actually him because he was too nervous to lose her? Tonight... in that booth... if they weren’t in public... her body flushes wildly just from the thought of it. Okay, so maybe she’s been dying to take their relationship further. Maybe not sex— yet, soon, or maybe... ‘argh! Not now!’ Lucy scolds her libido. But a make out session was a very tempting idea!

They check out Lisanna and Bixlow for a short time at Sonidos, before briefly hooking back up with Levy and Gajeel for some crepes. That’s when Levy quietly informs Lucy that she’ll be crashing at her boyfriend’s house instead of going back to the dorm. “You know... for some privacy,” the girl winks at Lucy. “Hint. Hint!”

“I-It’s too soon for that! W-with us,” her tips burn with lies through each syllable.

“Pfft, you can’t lie that you’ve never thought about it.”

“No... not all the way...”

“Uh-huh. Well, do whatever,” she winks a second time and stands up to leave. “See ya in tomorrow night.”

“Yeah. See ya.”

“Why are your ears all red?” Natsu asks Lucy.

Lucy stiffens up. “N-Nothing important.”

“Oh... okay,” he smiles. “So whatdya wanna do next?”

“Actually, I’m kinda getting tired already.” It was after 3 am and they’d been out and on their feet for over seven hours.

Natsu sighs relief. “Me too! I just didn’t wanna ruin your fun. Shall I take you home?” He squeezes her hand with a smile.

“Yes,” she returns the squeeze, “and if you’d like you can spend the night— I-I mean since you’re tired and all! I’d just feel better than making you back track.”

“I’ll behave, I promise.”

The couple ride the train the short distance between Shibuya and Shinjuku to where Lucy’s dorm is located, cautious of the other riders on the train. Even though alcohol is not allowed on the streets during Halloween, it didn’t stop people from getting drunk and few creepy peepers kept looking at Lucy. But luckily, the train wasn’t very packed despite the holiday because the Shibuya party wasn’t over till 4am and they beat the end rush. On the way, Natsu texts his roommate out of courtesy, only to find out that Gray and Juvia were already at the apartment. Figures. Well it was a good thing he wasn’t walking into that situation! Even if nothing happened, just watching Juvia fawning all over Gray wouldn’t have been appealing. Once they arrive at the dorms, they make sure no one had followed and proceed inside.

Lucy leaves Natsu in the small living room as she changes out of her costume and into something a lot more comfortable. He was lucky the men’s costume was still semi-normal and he only had to remove the jacket and goggles for comfort, but the black hair dye will wash out in a week. She then grabs them a couple bottles of melon milk tea before joining him on the couch. Thank goodness, they didn’t have school, or he didn’t work the next day.

“That was fun,” Lucy curls against his arm with a yawn. “So, tiring though.”

“I haven’t been to Shibuya’s party in a couple of years, but it sure hasn’t changed,” Natsu chuckles. He leans his head against hers while threading their fingers together. “Totally agree on being tired. It probably wouldn’t be as bad if I hadn’t worked too.”

A companionable silence falls over the couple for a few minutes and after some time Natsu assumed Lucy had fallen asleep resting on his shoulder. He would have stayed in that position till his ass was numb if it kept her relaxed. This beauty queen deserved it and more, and he meant every word he’d told her earlier. The second chance had become a cosmic wish come true and he’d be damned to let anything ruin this between them.

“Hey Natsu?”

“Yeah Luce?”

“Do you think we could pick up from where we left off... in that photo booth?”

He swallows hard. It was one thing in the heat of the moment, but quite another to put aside his nerves now that they were so relaxed. This was a different kind of intimacy and much more intimidating to say the least. A private apartment without anything or anyone to interrupt or stop two consenting adults from going too far... and the last thing he wanted to do was something wrong! A regretted decision would destroy everything built up until that moment. But he couldn’t tell her no either!

Sensing the turmoil, Lucy sits up and turns his face towards her. Her instincts were probably on point earlier about his anxiety. “We don’t have to, if you’re not ready, but I wouldn’t mind making out with you... just a little.” She adds in the goal as a way to allay his fears. And it works. Lucy immediately feels his shoulders relax again. She gently caresses his cheek, her eyes zeroing in on his lips. “I just… like kissing you Natsu.”

“I’ll let you direct then, a-and if I start going too far, just stop me. I won’t get mad, I just...”

“Shh, I know,” she smiles, “and that what I like about you.”

Lucy closes the gap and steals his lips, starting slow, then adding pressure behind it. Her hand slides behind his head, fingers weaving into his messy hair as she tilts her head to deepen the kiss. Their tongues tease and test, mouths molding together as teeth clack gently the further, they push each other’s oral boundaries. She could still taste some of the sweetness of the crapes lingering.

His own hands stay glued, one with fingers twined in her hair and the other to Lucy’s side, just below the rib cage. Natsu loses himself in her kisses, they were so soft and sweet, a little adventurous as she ran her tongue once over his canines and giggled. That brought a grin to his lips and a straight arrow through his heart. He wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet, but he loved Lucy. His heart knew it and that’s all that matters, so when the time is right, he’ll tell her, but not yet, he knew she wasn’t ready for that level.

Natsu’s so lost in the kisses he barely registers additional heat against his chest as Lucy’s hand has found its way under his shirt. It wasn’t doing more than simply resting against his pectorals, but it was much further than he’d expected her to venture tonight. Every few minutes her fingers would lightly curl against his skin or move slightly up or down, sending little shivers over his skin. As far as he was concerned, she could do anything she wanted to him as long as it was her choice.

It surprises him when Lucy starts to press forward. At first one of his hands moves to keep from falling back onto the couch, but her sudden whine triggers him to let it happen and the next thing he knows Lucy is using him as a bed. So, he wraps his left arm more firmly around her body to make sure she doesn’t fall off.

Lucy lifts her head to look Natsu in the eyes. “Is this okay?” She questions him. “Am I too heavy?”

“I don’t mind,” he smiles at her, “but are you comfortable? I could shift us over so we’re more on our sides.”

“That would be great. Just felt like snuggling more.”

He kisses her lips. “Works for me.” Natsu then adjusts their bodies carefully until Lucy’s back is resting against the couches backing with her head on his shoulder and chest. She wraps her arm around his torso and huddles close to his frame, while their legs are slightly tangled together. “Comfy?”

“Mmm hmm,” she nods her head against his chest and closes her eyes.

Natsu kisses the top of her head, bringing a smile to her face, then wraps his left arm over to rest his hand on her shoulder and cuddle her close. “Goodnight, Lucy.”

“Mmm. Goodnight, Natsu.”

Eight months ago, the only thing Natsu thought about was a career and now after that fateful train ride he knew his new goal in life had to include the blonde next to him. Lucy felt so perfect in his arms and oh, if only he could wake up like this every morning for the rest of his life, well than he’d be the luckiest man on the planet. With a smile of his own, he closes his eyes and lets the cadence of her heartbeat lull him to sleep. This was a very happy Halloween indeed!

Just to give an idea this is Shibuya on Halloween: I’m so sad I didn’t get to see it this year like I was supposed to ;-; but Natsu and Lucy got to have a little fun in my place lol.

Also a warning, the story gets much more angsty after this for several chapters 😅

#nalu #nalu AU #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #nalu fan fic #nalu fan fiction #natsu x lucy #angst and fluff #it’s a bit of a ride from here #strangers on a train #fairy tail

[ghost--facers]

S01E02 - Wendigo (Part Three)

A/N: Hey guys, it has been a while... but I’m back! This is part three of the second episode of the Series One (Wendigo) imagine series I’m doing where I rewrite the reader into Supernatural. It’s been ages since I’ve posted a rewrite and I’m sorry it has but I’ve been super busy. I’m just getting back into writing so sorry if it seems all over the place! Anyway… feedback is appreciated and if you want to be tagged in the next part please let me know! I hope you like it x

Characters: Dean (eventual Dean x reader), Sam, Hailey (+ other characters from the episode)

Warnings: Swearing, kinda angsty, pettiness with Dean Word Count: 2943

Description: The reader continues their adventures with Sam and Dean in Blackwater Ridge.

Episode One

Wendigo : Part One    Part Two

“This is it.” Roy spoke, stopping in the middle of the path just before a clearing. “Blackwater Ridge.”

Your M&M count had dwindled due to the fact you had been walking for another hour and your feet were beyond killing you. You were thankful that everyone had now stopped because you hated the fact that you were so far behind everyone and this gave you a chance to catch up.

“What coordinates are we at?” Sam asked, surveying the area, as you stopped next to Hailey.

“35 and minus 111.” Roy replied, after checking his GPS.

Dean then began walking over to Sam and the rest huddled together, so you decided to go over to the Winchester brothers as they started to talk.

“You hear that?” Dean asked, as you came up beside him.

“Yeah.” Sam responded, sighing.

“What?” You said, scrunching up your eyebrows in confusion. “Am I going deaf or something?”

“No.” Dean replied, laughing.

“There’s nothing. Not even crickets.” Sam said, surveying the area again.

“I’m going to take a look around.” Roy spoke, breaking the silence that apparently meant something.

“You shouldn’t go off by yourself.” Sam replied, looking over his shoulder at him.

A cocky smile appeared on Roy’s face and it immediately made you want to punch it. Jesus, you hated this guy so much. Remain calm [y/n], you repeated to yourself as a way to bury the thought of slapping him that you had appeared in your mind.

“That’s sweet. Don’t worry about me.” Roy replied, still smirking.

“Oh, we’re not, dickface… we’re worried you’ll lose the GPS.” You replied, glaring at him.

“Excuse me?” He replied, dropping the smirk and slowly advancing towards you.

You stayed still because despite him holding a massive gun, you weren’t really scared of him. You also knew that Sam and Dean wouldn’t let him hurt you so that was always a bonus.

“Let me summarise: don’t lose the GPS, dickface.” You responded, still maintaining eye contact.

He walked towards you more before Sam placed a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back. Dean then stepped in front of him, blocking you for his sight.

“Just go look around, Roy.” Dean spoke slowly.

You didn’t see the face Roy pulled but you could tell it wasn’t a happy one. Dean then moved out of the way and Roy pushed past both of the boys and stopped just in front of you.

“I’m not done with you.” He replied, his face screwing up in anger.

You just laughed and then elaborately place your hands in the direction he was headed. “Onwards, Ranger Roy.”

He glared at you once more before going on his way. You began laughing to yourself and shaking your head before suddenly being pulled around to face Dean.

“[y/n], quit it!” He said, gripping your shoulders tightly.

“What…?” You replied, knowing full well you were just winding Roy up for the sake of winding him up.

“Yeah, he’s a dick or dickface, whatever you put it as, but just drop it ok?” He replied, still gripping on tightly.

“Jesus. Ok… dad.” You rolled your eyes.

You knew you were acting like a 5 year old, but that was what happened when someone had pissed you off and you didn’t want to get into a physical fight.

He raised his eyebrows in response.

“What?” You screwed your face up in confusion and he raised his eyebrows up again. “I’m not apologising…”

You raised your eyebrows up as well before wiggling from his grip and walking over to Sam, who laughed as got to his side.

“He went full on dad mode…” He laughed, watching Dean walk over to Hailey.

Of course he was going to Hailey!

“Yeah…” You shrugged, laughing, pretending it didn’t bother you at all.

You couldn’t really work out Dean… it seemed like one minute he liked you, laughed at all your jokes and gave you reassuring smiles and glances but the next he seemed to want to exile you to a different country so you couldn’t bother him again. It did bug you a little bit and you knew you shouldn’t be so pedantic and annoying all the time, but something you just couldn’t help it. Especially when you were mad.

“Alright, everybody stays together.” Dean spoke, loudly grabbing everyone’s attention. “Let’s go.”

You sighed as you watched Dean walk in front of everyone and down the path that Roy had just gone down, before following him and walking alongside Sam, who took a lot bigger strides than you. You had to run slightly just to keep up, but luckily you soon reached another clearly and stopped to survey the area. It was similar to the other one, just now with a lot less trees.

You loved forests normally, the pine scent, the crunch underfoot as you stepped over the fallen leaves and twigs, the serenity of the place, but this was a forest you didn’t like. You knew a lot of people were scared of forests and you had never really understood why but now you knew there was something dangerous hidden between these trees made you fully understand the dislike people had for places like this.

“Hailey! Over here!” Roy shouted from a distance, breaking you thoughts up.

Everyone began to bolt over to the voice of Roy and for fear of being left behind in this death trap, you did the same. Luckily, Roy hadn’t gone far so you didn’t need to sprint for that long, but when you arrived your stomach began to flip over and over again.

The same familiar feeling of sickness washed over you and your heart began beating quicker. You began to think you would never get used to this feeling, as you clutched your stomach tightly. It wasn’t even your family that had gone missing, why were you feeling like this?

You closed for eyes for a second before opening them again, to see the same scene. A ripped tent, collapsed in a small clearing, with food strewn across the forest floor. Everything was broken, ripped and torn and no person was in sight and there was blood splattered across the tent covering.

“Looks like a grizzly.” Roy spoke, moving to the side of Hailey and her brother, Ben.

You released your hands from your stomach and scooched over to Dean slightly. You weren’t going to grab his jacket, but you wanted him to be there just in case you needed to. You’re such a wuss, you said to yourself before deciding to move further away from Dean.

“You okay?” He asked quietly, noticing you side-stepping.

You murmured a yes in response, but didn’t look at him. You did wanna grab his jacket, like a lot, but you knew this wasn’t the worst thing you would see today, so you wanted to act someone brave.

You didn’t really know why it was making you feel like this, it was probably to do with the fact that you knew Hailey’s brother and his friends would’ve been taken by a monster. It was the fact that you knew the blood splatters were the result of the monster and you knew that you were going to fight this monster. That’s why you felt like that.

“Tommy?” Hailey asked softly, unclipping her bag and dumping it on the ground.

Everyone else was walking around the debris, trying to find something and you were now doing the same.

“Tommy!” She shouted, walking around the tents. “Tommy!!”

“Shhh.” Sam spoke, walking over to her with his quick strides.

“Why?” She asked quietly.

“Something might still be out there.” Sam replied.

“Sam! [y/n]!” Dean shouted and you spun around. To your surprise he wasn’t there so along with Sam you ran over to the place his voice had come from.

“The bodies were dragged from the campsite.” Dean continued, as you both crouched down beside Dean. “But here, the tracks just vanish.”

You stood up quickly, which caused a wave of nausea to wash over you. You were beginning to think more and more that you weren’t cut out to do this and that you should just go home and start again… this time without demons.

“It’s weird. I’ll tell you what… it’s no skin walker or blackdog.” Dean spoke, standing up next to you.

“That’s good isn’t it?” You sighed, turning to him.

“Well if it isn’t them, it’s something else and it looks a lot worse.” Dean responded, before turning away and walking back to the rest of the camp.

Sam smiled at you apologetically before doing the same.

“Great. Something worse. That’s just what I need after hiking all day.” You muttered to yourself before turning on your heels and running over to Dean and Sam who were basically already back with everyone else.

By the time you returned, Hailey had melted into a pool on the floor, tears flooding her eyes, before picking up a bloodied phone that you assumed was her brothers. Dean immediately walked over to her, and this time you didn’t care… she needed someone and she didn’t like you so there wasn’t much you could do except offer a sweet smile if she ever turned round to look back at you.

“Do you think her brother is actually ok?” You asked Sam.

“I don’t know. I hope so.” Sam replied, looking over at Hailey.

“Me t-”

“HELP!” A voice bellowed from the other side of the forest.

You all turned around in the direction of the sound of the scream.

“That did not sound good. That did not sound good at all.” You whispered to yourself, silently wishing you could hold onto Dean’s jacket, but he was too far away.

The screams continued, and your stomach began to feel more and more sick with each shriek. Dean and Hailey immediately rushed off and you followed as Sam ran alongside them. Your legs hurt from all the hiking but you ran anyway, not wanting to be left alone in hellish place and also because you actually wanted to help.

You felt like you were really the most helpful person that the Winchesters could have ever had and you felt like you needed to prove that you were able to be a good hunter… even though the feeling of nausea that was washing over you made you feel like that was not possible. Nevertheless, you persevered and smashed through the branches and leaves that hit your face as you ran. You had taken your hair down earlier so that was an extra problem because it whirled around in front of your face.

“Shit.” You shouted as quietly as you could after ploughing straight into something. That something probably being a tree.

You clutched your head that hurt slightly, and moved the hair from your eyes to see a mad Dean staring down at you. It wasn’t a tree. It was Dean. Shit.

“[y/n], this is serious, stop messing around.” He spoke, stern faced.

“I’m not messing about. I didn’t realise you had stopped and I couldn’t see because of my hair.” You replied, slightly embarrassed, before noticing his gun was pointed at your stomach. “Dean?”

“Yeah?” He responded, sighing.

“I know it’s a stressful, worrying and scary time… I’m not gonna lie I’m crapping myself… but could you please not point that gun at my stomach?”

“Oh shit, sorry.” He whispered, looking down at the gun before turning around to face the direction everyone else was looking.

You smirked slightly and then stopped because it didn’t really seem like the time. Everything was so silent and still, like this forest wasn’t capable of such sounds.

“It seemed like it was coming from around here, didn’t it?” Hailey asked.

Nobody responded, as you all looked around intently. The wind had started to pick up and it sent an unnerving shiver down your spine. You didn’t like this one bit, but you had to try to be brave at least… even though every ounce of your being wanted to reach out and grab Dean’s arm to transfer your nerves to him. You knew that as soon as you touched him, your nerves would calm and you would begin to feel safe.

“Everybody back to camp.” Sam shouted suddenly, causing you to immediately look over at him, before he began to bolt back to where you had just come from.

“What?” You muttered, utterly confused before Dean grabbed your arm and pulled you alongside him as he ran back. “Stop dragging me.”

“[y/n], just shut up.” Dean muttered, coming to a halk back at the original camp.

A space that was once cluttered with your backpacks, was now empty, with only splatters of blood dusting the ground.

“Our packs!” Hailey sighed.

Pointing out the obvious much? You rolled your eyes… did she not realise that you were all seeing the same thing? Maybe you were a little jealous, you thought to yourself as you watched Dean walk to her side. You only seemed to dislike her when Dean was by her side but that was just because maybe you wished that Dean would stay by your side, not drag you around like his little sister and leave you alone to cozy up with the cute girl he just met. Although, you didn’t expect any less from Dean… he seemed to be the kind of guy that would do that. Or maybe he just wanted to help her. Either way, him dragging you about and being sweet to her made you slightly annoyed and drowned you in jealousy.

“So much for my GPS and satellite phone.” Roy whispered, kneeling down.

“What the hell’s going on?” Hailey shouted out.

“Like we know!” You scoffed quietly. Apparently not quietly enough though, as she whipped her head around and glared.

“[y/n], calm down.” Dean spoke, his voice lowering with seriousness as he got in between you and Hailey and turned you around.

“I’m chill, Dean, let go of me.” You spoke, staring up at him.

“It’s smart, it wants to cut us off, so we can’t call for help.” Sam spoke.

“So I guess we do know.” You awkwardly laughed, raising your eyebrows over at Hailey, who at this point was just ignoring you.

“You mean someone, some nut job out there, just stole all our gear.” Roy responded.

“Not a nut job exactly…” You replied, walking away from Dean and over to Sam.

“[y/n], can you be quiet for like a second, maybe?” Dean spoke, watching you move closer to Sam.

“I’m sorry, what was that, Dean?” You swivelled back around to face Dean.

Dean just raised his eyebrows at you before you felt yourself being pushed by Sam back to Dean. You sighed as you knocked into Dean’s arm, your head bumping into his shoulder.

“You guys need to stop.”

“Stop what?” Dean responded, glaring at Sam.

“Stop being childish.”

“We’re not being childish… she is.” Dean said as he nudged you.

“Fuck off, Dean.” You rolled your eyes, moving away from him slightly.

You didn’t really know what Sam was on about, because you hadn’t really done anything childish. Actually, that was a lie. One minute you and Dean were the best of friends and the next you wanted to rip each other’s throats out. It wasn’t even arguing at this point, it was just petty comebacks and you weren’t one to back down so the childish fights just escalated.

“You want me to fuck off? How about--”

“Dean shut up. [y/n], shut up. Can both of you just shut up for one second please?” Sam spoke louding, cutting Dean off. “I need to speak with you both… in private.”

“Sam, I don’t think we need to talk about me and Dean arguing right now, do we?” You asked.

“It’s not about that.” He replied, raising an eye before exchanging a worried glance with Dean.

“Ah.” You spoke, glancing between both of the boys, before following them as they walked off into another clearing.

“Okay. Let me see dad’s journal.” Sam said sternly, as you entered the clearing.

Dean raised an eyebrow but removed the book from his jacket and handed it to Sam who began to flip through it wildly.

“Alright.” Sam started, stopping on a page and holding it out to Dean. You peared over Dean’s shoulder in order to get a clear view, but it just looked like a bunch of scribbles in your eyes. “Check that out.”

“Oh, come on.” Dean smirked. “Wendigos are in the Minnesota woods or Northern Michigan. I’ve never heard of one this far west.”

“Think about it, Dean. The claws, the way it can mimic a human voice…”

“Great.” Dean sighed, lowering the book. “Well, then this is useless.” He sighed once, more showing his gun to Sam.

“A wendigo? Am I even saying that right? What even is it?” You asked, grabbing the book from Dean.

“A monster known to be native to forests, that enjoys the taste of human flesh.” Dean grinned, grabbing the book back and stuffing it back into his jacket pocket.

“Lovely.” You whispered, looking down at the ground.

You began to hope that one day you wouldn’t feel as scared when any sort of evil creature was mentioned. But that day was not today.

“Not scared are you?” Dean smirked.

Jesus, what was his problem?

“Oh no. I’m not totally terrified of the fact I could get eaten alive by some human flesh loving monster. Go fuck yourself, Dean.” You glared at him, before walking back to the others, with Sam not far behind you.

Tags: @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @jules12345678910 @anolympianhero @cra-zy-vib-es1999 @sherlock44 @queengraciella @for-a-brothers-love @puppies-make-me-extra-happy @dean-is-my-favorite @a-little-bit-of-everythin @dean-is-a-cutie @be-with-me-for-evermore @tbk28 @haveyoumetmeyet @that-was-scary @in-deans-arms @it-could-go-off @dean-is-my-superhero

(Let me know if you want to be tagged in the next part!)

 Part Four

#spn #supernatural #supernatural rewrite #supernatural wendigo #spn imagines #supernatural imagine #spn imagine #spn rewrite #dean #dean winchester #dean x reader #eventual dean x reader #sam winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester imagine #sammy #wendigo

[theseventhhex]

TENDER Interview

Dan Cobb & James Cullen

Photo by Tom Oldham

London duo TENDER’s debut album, ‘Modern Addiction,’ listens like catharsis. From orgasm, to break-up, to silence, the record breaths closure to a relationship that has intensified, shattered, and healed. It is young, cold, urban, lonely, and an intrinsically modern look at the irrepressible desire to maintain a love, be it destined or doomed. James Cullen and Dan Cobb’s debut full length explores the phenomenon of comfort and compulsion that is addiction, via a pop record about a relationship. Cullen frames familiar feelings for us to relate to and digest, but simultaneously undermines their presence, leaving the listener holding the same hollow heart that he carried through his addiction. Cobb's soaring synths and progressive percussion are waxed and shined by the album's sleek club mix, and the juxtaposition with Cullen's lyrics is heartbreaking… We talk to the Dan and James about happy accidents, Daniel Day Lewis & Swedish football…

TSH: Was your approach for 'Modern Addiction' much like other releases, where things seem to come along very quickly when you're forming music...

Dan: Yeah, absolutely. The songs again came about very naturally, there's not too much planning at all - things just seem to fall into place. You know, overall, it's nice to not overthink and have a fluid creative partnership.

TSH: What's the level of focus commonly like?

Dan: Well, we generally get short spurts of inspiration to be fair. At times, James will normally start the main skeleton of a song and we'll both come back to it to refine it. We never spend too long on tracks. One of the benefits of writing most of the songs at home or at home studios is you don't have to spend money on a studio and you don't feel obliged to work intensely throughout a day. If you allow yourself to get fatigued, you're not on your game, but when you're on your own time coming back to things and working on them for 2 to 3 hours at a time, like we do, you get your best work done.

James: Yeah, you get your best work done when you don't spend too long on it and you're not forced down a certain direction. It's all about feeling the needs of a song, thinking about what it needs to be and approaching it from a logical standpoint.

TSH: Do you embrace the happy accidents?

James: Yeah, definitely. Just having that trial and error and freeform approach serves our songs well. We go along with the song, you know? Things that work just tend to come into play and even lyrics tend to just appear when you're not sticking to a fixed plan - all of these factors just guide you accordingly.

TSH: What sort of themes did you mainly have in mind for 'Modern Addiction'?

James: A lot of our lyrical outlooks are personal, but knowing this record is called 'Modern Addiction', we definitely pulled from the state of technology in the world today. Mostly a lot of the subject matter is about previous experiences from our lives really.

TSH: Which song in particular do you feel deals with duality and the polarity of human magnetics?

Dan: The song that brings that theme up most is the latest single 'Nadir'. The whole idea was to focus on different stages of relationships. On the surface it sounds like a break-up song but really it's a bit more nuance. The song is actually a bit more about the peaks and troughs of a relationship. The theme was mainly focusing on the connection between a couple, even if they're not on their way to a break-up, but just needing to find love between themselves again.

TSH: What resonates with you most about 'Erode'?

James: I liked how the actual sounds of that song are quite dynamic. The process for that song coming together was very organic. That was one of the many songs where we went in not knowing what it was going to be about, however, we felt it taking shape as we went along.

TSH: What was the key factor in getting 'Silence' so refined and succinct?

Dan: I guess it was purely through making an interesting drum beat/drum pattern through some strange samples. It's always beneficial to have this sort of loose progression and to build from there. Also, the big chorus was another key part we focused on getting just right.

TSH: How vital has it been to road test the newer songs?

Dan: It's always very helpful to road test songs because it gives us the freedom to do certain things differently to how we would on the record. It's a great way to mix things up. When we first started out, we were so conscious about how we were going to do things live, so we were focusing on getting it close to the recordings, but we've learnt really quickly that knowing we can do that easily, we're instead making more of an effort to try and break the mould a bit. Whenever we take new songs from the record live, we always try to make them a bit different.

James: Yeah, exactly. Also bearing in mind different venues and rooms it's not always easy to replicate songs how they are on the record. You'll ultimately struggle quite a lot to make the songs fit given the space you're playing in, so it's always important to mix it up and make it its own thing.

TSH: Do non-musical factors inform your musical expressions quite a bit?

Dan: Definitely. It's difficult to go into specifics, but subconsciously I feel film is a big inspiration for the both of us. Also, books and what we read certainly effect what we do musically.

TSH: Speaking of film, James, is 'There Will Be Blood' rated highly for you?

James: For sure. I love that film! It's so good from the first minute onwards, definitely one of my favourite films of all time.

TSH: You've also met Daniel Day Lewis too...

James: Yeah, he's so humble. I was working in a shop in West London and because we had a tailor in there, he was coming to study how to cut fabrics and things. I believe it's for a new film of his. He came in three or four times and he was just a really nice and grounded person.

TSH: Being fans of Christopher Nolan, you must be looking forward to 'Dunkirk'?

Dan: Oh, we can't wait to see that one, Nolan is an amazing director. It's funny, the day it comes out we are going to play a festival in Austria and we're actually going to be waking up in Dunkirk the day it comes out. We were talking about perhaps going to see it on that day, but we realised it will most probably be in French, ha!

TSH: Dan, how did you get into Swedish football?

Dan: Ha! Well, I was kinda thrown into the deep end with that really. It's something I do for work. Basically, my brother became a Norwegian football analyst and started to learn the language a bit and then he needed someone to do the Swedish league. Anyhow, they decided me being his brother would mean I'd be an ideal pick to do it, ha! I just got chucked into the deep end and had to learn quite a bit about Swedish football in a short space of time. Overall, it's a nice outlet for some escapism.

TSH: What's pleased you most when you overlook this completed record?

Dan: When I overlook this album, what pleases me is the strength of all the songs. It actually felt really tough dropping songs from the album. I mean there are like 4 or 5 B-sides/bonus tracks that we were trying to lobby to get onto the record, but it wasn't to be.

James: For me, I thought making the record would be a daunting process, we thought it might be exhausting. However, the album came about so easily. Furthermore, producing and mixing the songs was a lot of fun too.

TSH: What matters most as you venture ahead?

James: As we progress, we just want to mature as musicians and find our own voice really. Also, it's important that we continue to connect with people and make our music understandable and relatable to our audience.

TENDER - “Nadir”

Modern Addiction

#Interview #TENDER