#it's 5 am people I have no hobbies

[raininyourblackeyes]

My cousin, a published writer, a well-known poet in my country and a literature professor, for whom I've always been no.1 support ever since her first attempts at writing in high school, told me that I must stop writing as a hobby because that's her thing and since I'm writing fantasy mostly my writing could never have any important artistic value anyways.

#what happened was that i was feeling really down these past few days #like mental health dead in mariana trench #and i went to visit her because she lives like 10 minutes away and has a cat i can play with #but yesterday morning a friend of mine made a fanart (i guess i can call it that) of a fanfic i am writing for the five of them #she sent it to me and said she's also working on an actual painting on a camvas of her fave scene from my original story #and i was so surprised and exicted #that's actually a too mild description #and when i was visitting my cousin i showed her the pic of the drawing on my phone and explained it to her and she just said ....ehh.. #and started texting someone #i was sitting there feeling stupid and thinking wow you could have at least praised my friend's art sytle or something #and when i was getting ready to leave she asked me if i was aware my writing has no artistic merit and fantasy is trivial literature #so i should just stop wasting time on that and focus on developing my art style more for her future poetry collections #i do the art for her book covers #and added how we already have an established writer in the family so i should focus on my role - becoming a good pharmacist #and she knows how much i hate that i'm studying pharmacy like it's the no.1 cause of me hating the direction in which my life is going #finished it off by saying she feels like what she's doing in going to be really great and important on a large scale one day #and how she wants me to continue being her shadow that follows and supports her #i left went home and started at a wall for hours #i just feel so dumb for getting excited over a silly drawing of something not more than 5 people will ever read #i genuinely hate the idea of people reading anything i write so most likely writing will just remain a hobby for me #and now i feel like the most stupid person on earth and am this close to deleting all my word documents from both my laptops

[mellotronmkll]

Would love to work my way back up to being the type of person who can do more than 2 or 3 things per week and in fact possibly even does multiple things in the same day but boy I am not there yet

#Still make one plan and then need 5 full days to recover and I'm in awe of people who are like #Yes I had my yoga class this morning then I'm gonna go grab lunch with a friend then I need to go home and work on this thing for a few hou #Then gonna go to a party like that is so far from my life just thinking about it makes me feel anxious but #I would genuinely love for that to be my life but it feels so unthinkable rn #But I just have to keep slowly working at it I guess #Because I've been like that at points in my life however right now we're at the #If I leave my house for a 30 minute walk every day and see one other person besides my partner in a 7 day period #And do One hobby for like 20 minutes a day then that's all I can manage and the week was a success 😭 #But i guess we all have to start somewhere #I. Am literally just so fucking exhausted all the time

[astrogenica]

people claim to understand that progress isn't linear and recovery can take a long time until it becomes personally inconvenient to them and then you're just a stupid lazy bastard to them no matter how you behaved before you became outwardly sick or how hard you've been trying to get better. and i will be mad about that forever

#text post #vent #venting #vent post #chronic illness #mental illness #progress is not linear #recovery takes time #ive only been diagnosed and trying treatments for my autoimmune disease for 1yr #ive been sick for closer to 5 #i just got covid for the second time in january and its fucked up all the progress #that i was making #and now rather than try to support me through a major setback #everyone is acting like i just dont have my shut together and im not trying #meanwhile i am doing my best to keep up when walking a single flight of stairs is still hard for me #and there are very few people who meaningfully recognize how hard this is for me #i used to work three jobs while going to school full time seeing my family frequently #AND having a social life and maintaining my ltr #now im married yeah but i only do one wfm full time job barely engage with my hobbies #see my family and friends infrequently and tbh barely leave my house #and its not for any lack of wanting to #its because i CANT #and even fewer people are making am efforts to accommodate me #so i force myself to occasionally go out and see people #and then need to recover for two weeks #and they dont even appreciate how HARD it is #so much of the effort disabled put into their interactions with abled or just differently #disabled loved ones goes completely unnoticed because its expected as the bare minimum another can do #but rhe bare minimum to them is the absolute best you yourself can give #and nobody cares

[nocomforthere]

Sometimes I’m in a momentary panic of “oh fuck I don’t wanna age” and then I remember that hell yeah I do. I wanna be one of those people who go to pride events n shit, that are old enough to be the mom to anyone there, and be giving hugs like the guys in those videos.

Tryna be a helpful little role model for the youngins, so I gotta look the part. You feel me? Need a little costume

#I must don the appropriate mortal skin #and if that appropriate skin is the flesh of a middle aged woman. I will wait #I WANNA BE THE OLD LADY THAT BAKES COOKIES FOR THE MEW NEIGHBORS :( #I wanna be so gentle and caring and understanding #it’s 1 am and I feel so sentimental but GEJSVS #STOP THE WAY IT AUTOCORRECTED RO A DIFFERENT KEYBOARD SMASH #but like. :( #lowkey can’t wait. I’m gonna be a little history teacher also so I have an excuse to bring an Aztec death whistle to class :) <33 #I’m so excited. I love possiblities #IM NOT SUPER GOAL ORIENTATED. I DONT HAVE DREAMS ONLY HOBBIES BUT LIKE. #yeah I can dream to be this. ahhhh <33 #I’M GONNA BE FOUND DEAD IN MY HOUSE WITH 5 SNAKES LOLOLOL AHHHH I GOT PLANS #this is the first time I’ve been able to imagine a future for myself. is it obvious #I’m gonna be the neatest death ever. both meanings. just wait #(NOT NOW THO I WANNA GET TO BE AN OLD LADY) #sometimes I worry abt my body deteriorating w age but I wanna run people over w my wheelchair and smack them w my cane #I wanna babysit and take the kids on a ‘walk’ (we’re just riding in my wheelchair) #pro aging #old age #aspirations #personal #lgbtqia+ #lgbtq #lgbt

[quetzalpapalotl]

Do you ever talk to someone and realize their understanding of life, or at least a given situation, is so fundamentally different from yours, you don't even know how to begin to put you two in the same page.

So today, after talking about my opinions on certain anime and manga, this guy tells me why I don't write about this stuff. I said I did, mostly on Tumblr, he asked for my follower count and then asked why I don't try to monetize that.

I do not have the words to explain everything that's wrong with that idea. So followers, who ostensibly read my posts, let us think about that idea: me trying to monetize the stuff I say here on tumblr dot com...

Well, that was a good laugh.

This lacks an understanding of tumblr, internet popularity, internet monetization and like, just me as a person. Holy shit. He suggested I try another platform after I said one doesn't make money off tumblr.

#TO BE FAIR he was helping sort my cv to look for a new job right before this #so it wasn't completely out of nowhere i guess #but holy shit #i am a fan not a content creator #this isn't a jab at people who do media video essays on youtube or anything like that #but wow why do people have to make money out of everything they do these days can't you just have hobbies #zeta prime sold orion pax bathwater give me 5 dollars

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

its so fucking hard to imagine what a future for someone like me could even look like. noone i know or have heard of is like me. being alive is already really fucking hard and exhausting but especially so when i cant even imagine a future for myself lmao

#im queer and trans but not even in the semi palatable way. im a multigender he/she with feelings and attractions noone shares or understands #im polyamorous and i dont want to marry. i dont think i want kids (definitely not the bio way) i dont even think i want to live w anyone #im not white. im arab and im muslim. im an immigrant. #none of my bio family will want to associate w me after all comes to light (minus Maybe my sister) and i dont have a found family either #theres zero people i know will be in my life for the long haul. that will care for me when im sick or even just. be around for 5+ years. #im mentally fucked and i dont know in what way. maybe cptsd or a pd or psychosis or who the fuck even knows. cant go to therapy. #i dont have any major hobbies or dream jobs or driving forces. i feel like a hollow shell most days. just kinda perform for others #im chronically fucking suicidal #how do you build a future from that #how do you find anyone to look up to #im so bitter nowadays that seeing others succeed or form close companionships either makes me feel nothing or just. vitriolic anger. #there might be people i cant share one or two points with but. but never all of them or even close to all of them. #i cant imagine a fucking future for myself. how am i supposed to keep going when i dont know what im even continuing to trudge along for #hah. #amber actually saying stuff #vent #suicide #tw suicide #suicidal ideation #tw suicidal ideation

[mejomonster]

Every time I go on a dating app I feel hopeless -.-

#rant #genuinely frankly i would probably do better at speed dating im person but that doesnt exist here #i go on app. i see poly partnered people looking for another partner. i do not seek to be that #i almost talk myself into just trying to be friends in case They know someone id like before i realize #thats a bit convoluted. i see one person actually just looking for friends like me and feel relief #and maybe i could make a friend but i want love i want romance and is pursuing that instead primarily #exactly why im a great friend whos been single for years? i see several men who absolutely did not read #rhat im fucking nonbinary. i see a person whos single and wants only hookups so my demi ass is out #i see a single person with no fucking hobbies jn common who i dont personally find aesthetically appealing #i see someone hot finally and immediatelt wonder what Red Flag theyre unavailable i must be subconciouslt clocking into #ah. yes. theyre oceans away making our chances of intimate long term commitment slim unless we both are significantly interested #and they give one word answers indicating theg dont want to chat. which us the only way i have to build a connection for now. #and then i wonder if im picky cayse im noticing incompatibikities. or cause no one compatible is around on my app #or is it self sabotage? or would Dating a red flag be sabotage?? or am i too demi to fucking do this i fucking hate this #i dont even know if id like someone in 5 months IF they were compatible and single. and then rhe chances of them liking me thay long? #well lers just say ive not yet had a partner ever say they liked me back. i mean theyve lied for several months. then come clean rhat #they never actually liked me and i was just convienient so :/ #i am so tired. i hate dating apps. i could probably self sabotage in 1 minute tho and message a married poly person #who cannot therefore marry me and who i cannot be the primary priority of. then i guess that would be self sabotage #cause id So clearly be letting myself crysh on someone unavailable wooh. -.- #jm so so tired man. i jusr wanna crush kn someone. kiss someone. bang regularly for decades. #oh and id Reallt like to fall in mutual love. the awful state of things? mt parents suggested to me #i get with someone i dont like romanrically and just make myself have a relationship #cause i guess they have no faith in me finding mutual love. which ngl makes me so incredibly sad even rhey dont believe i can

[camptw1nk]

I wish tumblr was. Easier

#it just feels very. hard to kinda get things going sometimes #mostly its pretty easy on kurt but i can not emphasize enough that my other blogs are not inactive bc i dont want to do things #i log on to every blog i have every day and i try to reach out to people but. really only a small handful interact #and that handful follows me everywhere and is always trying and thats very nice!! i appreciate it a LOT!!! #but when a blog is at over 100 followers and u struggle to get more than 5 people to talk to you its. discouraging #esp bc so many people will also just. not read a single thing ab ur muse #there are people who have approached me who didn't know jason had powers. when that is. plastered everywhere #and that also happened when he had the url expheiriment and his graphics were entirely fire themed #like idk i have so many muses that i love and i try so hard with but no ones as excited as i am #and thats fine i dont expect them to get excited ab every muse its just. idk it feels like so much work to go on my other blogs #bc i show up and try to get interactions and a couple people send memes in but those memes wont always lead to more #i keep going to multimuse blogs so that i dont. have so many blogs that are ignored and i can tell myself im active and people care but #its usually only the same handful of muses that people care about #so ill make a solo blog for a passion muse but they're not one of the ones people were there for so it goes nowhere #idk im just. im very tired of tumblr but i dont want to leave you know #i just. idk i want to feel more like this is a fun little hobby and i can enjoy it but i dont. know how to do that #negative cw

[ubebutter]

people you'd like to get to know better

I was tagged by @kizxoxo tysm for tagging me :D

last song: enjoy the silence by depeche mode

favorite color: purple or light pink or green

currently watching: better call saul (latest season thats on netflix), atypical, jujutsu kaisen (me and my bf are about to watch together because he wants me to watch after he made me watch the movie), sex education (about to watch the last season i love this show)

last movie: jujutsu kaisen 0 movie

currently reading: nothing (i don't read books or anything tbh...)

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet and savory (i like spicy too, but if i had to choose it would be sweet or savory/ sweet and savory together)

last thing i googled: "how do you verify accounts payable balance quickbooks" (i googled something for one of my classes, kinda boring tbh, but yeah that's what i last googled LOL)

current obsession: iced strawberry matcha and making sims for the animal face cas challenge (i love making sims in the first place, so making some for a cas challenge gives me an excuse to make alot of sims hehe)

currently working on: nothing important really, i just need to get started on my homework for this week, usually i start on monday and finish wednesday, but since my new job doesnt allow me to stay after class to do homework, i haven't actually started, so now i need to start doing assignments at home which is bad bc i always procrastinate if it's not done in the library (all i ever do is school and work and play video games/ watch youtube or podcasts during my free time, so i feel like i'm not really working on anything interesting.)

i tag all of my mutuals, bc id like to know more about all of mine <3 i also tag anyone else who sees this and would like to do it!!

#tysm for the tag #i feel like my life rn is pretyy boring bc 9 to 5 and i have like 4 hours to have freetime until i just have to go to bed again #i always worry about seeming boring... but maybe i am but also ik im not i just worry people think that abt me but ik i shouldnt bc yeah #i just always feel like i dont have any “real hobbies” #but school and work takes up so much of my energy and time that i only have energy to do stuff like watch shows/youtube/podcasts #or play video games #but also i enjoy all those things and relaxing in general so ig those are “real” hobbies

[potatoesandsunshine]

the weird nerves of jumping from outlining to actually writing... girl calm down this is nbd. it's literally fake

#anna's fic notes #i THINK i've got the skeleton for small jobs 5 done #i keep feeling like i need one more Event but tbh maybe it just doesn't need to be 10k #lately people have been tagging my stuff as 'short' in their bookmarks which is like... well that's true i guess #and it's not like a mean thing to say or anything. but it kinda makes me sad. #like sorry i've been writing a lot of 1k things but i still work hard on them yknow? #but i LOVE reading long stories so i'm always like huh am i Doing Enough. of this hobby i do for free.

[girlscience]

I really hate that there is something about me that is just so.... infantilizable. I have had a lot of friends do it, I'll say or do something and they'll just go "ohhhh lee.... noo" in like a patronizing baby voice. like I'm just silly or stupid or too innocent to know what's going on. Or like I brought pancakes for lunch today, which seems like an okay lunch to me, but my coworker told me I eat like a baby.

#there have been so many people my whole life who have been worried about me being unable to live on my own #people who think I am a danger to myself #people who think all my hobbies are childish #people who think my home is decorated childishly #people think I don't dress adult enough #I have the artistic skills of a 12 year old #I have been on less than 5 dates in my life have not kissed anyone have not had sex #find a lot of things about relationships and sex wildly uncomfortable in a way a lot of other people don't #I feel incapable of having real deep long term relationships #all my life people have told me 'ohhh you are so good with kids!!' and i'm not really #i just like all the same things they do #2 of my cousins are 13 and 16 and i get along better with them than any other family members because i have the same interests and hobbies #as two teenage boys... but the thing is that's been true since they were like 10 #and now that they are teens suddenly they are doing things i haven't even done and it's like they are becoming grown and i'm still not #I don't know. I am an adult. I have a full time job. I have my own apartment. I pay my own bills #but i still like the things i did when i was 12 #and i don't like it when people are mean for no reason #and i don't know that i'm super trusting but i definitely believe people when they tell me things #and so i think i just come off almost naive or innocent or dumb #i am constantly telling my family 'so and so said this!' and they'll go 'that's not true' or 'they made that up' or some other thing #and I end up going 'well that's just what they told me!!' and they're like '*deep sigh* we know lee' #it just... it just SUCKS

[reloaderror]

i hate self introductions w like a “interest/pastimes” part because what the fuck am i supposed to say i spend all my time drawing weebshit art for a niche fandom enjoyed by well over 2 people on tumblr or read fanfiction? this is not something you share w a room full of upstanding people. and i cant say “i hang out w friends” cause I DONT. nor am i part of any kind of organised activity so really my options are limited.

#you could say you read #i feel like stating reading is your hobby implies you read actual novels #and i read those hell ive read almost 10 of those so far this year but they’re danmei all of them #but like #prose fiction. /literature/ and while i know that’s wrong i do bot want to invite questions #i also dont want to say i draw because i feel like that would imply a level of skill and also again i do not want to invite questions #ideally id like people to know as little about me as possible #i didnt tell my literal best friend of 5 years i watch or have watched anime am a weeb tm until we moved in together. #after like 3 years almost #you all are privy to aspects of my personality i keep under lock and key hope u know that you are accessing hans exlusive on here #txt

[cybrmon]

dear diary,

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

#error.txt #i cant do this anymore!!! #how am i supposed to spend the rest of my life working a 9-5 trying not to be completely exhausted every day #how am i supposed to have hobbies and spend time with friends/family when i just get home and crash and burn #i don't exist just to work!!!!! no one does!!!!!!! #i enjoy the work i do don't get me wrong but fucking christ!!!! i don't have the energy!!! #i spent my whole break playing my favorite game & now i come back from work and just sit here staring into the void cause thats all i can do #how do people live like this

[mewwified]

wheekingggg i didnt get to talk to my bf this morning and i had to reapply for healthcare so i cant go to therapy or get my medicine or go to the fucking obgyn for like 45 days unless i want to go into medical debt ^_^ and i have no job or money ~w~🔫

#i think my luck is suffering based. honestly #like i know it will work out and i'm strong and i'll make it out and i'll do what i need to to make it better #but oh my god could things be a little easier #like i feel so fatigued and lazy all the time i literally lay down on my phone so often #but i have nothing else to do aside from pack. and im out of boxes ._. #i dont want to clean before i move and i dont have anything to cook. my stomach and ovaries hurt when i exercise. my attention span is shot #so i can barely focus on my hobbies. and i have school coming up anyway so thatll take the majority of my time and attention anyway. #and moving. and im in pain all the time and everything compounds on me and everyone always wants to see me and hang out or needs me #and like im grateful to have people that love me and can depend on me but god i am drowning #remembering when my sister shawna told me i was selfish for needing a ride somewhere. yeah maybe if someone in our family cared enough to #teach me to drive that wouldnt happen huh. #god i hate everyone #minus like 5 ppl

[kimmkitsuragi]

i wish i could play board games at least once a week 💔

#wanna make this my hobby but just like everything else it's expensive and also people dont have the same spare time often 😭😭😭 #anyway yesterday was soooo good i played like 7 games and 5 of them were new to me <3 #and i always love the music in that cafe but yesterday it was catering to ME specifically #it was all am and tlsp mixed with 2000s pop in between shdsjdfgsd #anyway i cant wait until next month when we can go play again :| definitely very patient abt it ofc #🗒

[depresseddepot]

I talked myself into a hole at work today because I explained an opinion poorly and then clarified poorly so I've decided my only chance at participating in society is to be stupid

#whenever someone directly asks me my opinion about something i just cannot lie and it puts me in so many bad positions #bc i am a queer leftist in a catholic conservative town so just abt every opinion i have they do NOT want to hear #so im thinking about taking up a new hobby: lying. #if someone asks me my opinion abt something i will say that i dont know enough to have an opinion regardless of how much i know abt it #it doesnt matter if they ask me questions about something i know up down or sideways #it doesnt matter if theyll think im stupid for saying i dont know a lot abt it #im so fucking tired of walking on eggshells at work and trying to be myself at the same time so ive decided i will just do neither #i am stupid. i dont know politics i dont know much abt queer culture i dont know much about feminism or abortion rights etc etc #i dont know enough about that to have an opinion #will they be able to tell im lying? yes. do i care? no. will they be able to prove it? absolutely not. #if someone says ''i dont know enough to confidently have an opinion'' what kind of jackass is going to be like #accusing you of lying or being actually confrontational about it. this is a win win #i can shut people up by not knowing what they're talking about AND i can avoid butting heads #bc if i was 100% honest abt my political opinions at my workplace i would have been (illegally) fired ages ago #im like. 5% honest and even that is getting me into trouble #ive gotta get out of this fucking town #but for now: i am unopinionated and slow. yes i am efficient at my job but its not like anyone can't tell im bad at socializing anyways #mouth: zipped #vent #to be safe idk