#it’s been a while since I’ve updated you guys on this because there hasn’t been much to update

[pennielane]

update: still in love with my 11-years-older-than-me sport teammate send help

#it’s been a while since I’ve updated you guys on this because there hasn’t been much to update #I’m not calling him my coach anymore because he’s truly not - we’re both just athletes on the team now #but he’s in a more competitive part of the team because I’m still too new to the sport to be part of that #but hopefully by august I can join the competitive part! #anyway there have been no updates because we haven’t really interacted in weeks because we’re not part of the same parts of the team #like I’d always see him but from a distance and therefore my crush started to fade a bit #but yesterday we DID speak quite a bit because we both arrived early #and he’s just so cute UGH kill me!!! #nothing overtly flirty happened between us we just had a nice rapport and he was cute and I’m in love HELP!.mp3 #caro thoughts #am I getting too personal on here? whatever ❤️

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Haruhi and her frogin freind are out shopping together

How would three character of the host club be when they stalking them!

You and Haruhi have finally gotten together after so long. Traveling with your father’s business you’ve met quite a few people in your travels: karate masters, a flamboyant blonde, a really persuasive guy with glasses, and so many more. But nothing is like the market in your hometown or rather one of your hometowns. 

Unbeknownst to you and Haruhi, the Ouran Host Club can’t help but follow after the mysterious person they met just last Summer. 

Tamaki Suoh

“What a surprise the damsel we’ve been talking about happens to be here! Charge onward!” 

He’s too excited and far too loud about his ambitions to follow you

Their ‘king’ isn’t exactly the best at covert operations despite his inclination for them

And if you or Haruhi don’t already know he’s there one of you will find him out

If it's you, you’ll call him asking ‘what brings you here?’

And he happily will join you two 

Buying whatever he sees your eyes linger on 

even if it's only a moment

When the day finally ends and you wave goodbye to make sure Haruhi gets home he waits for you

Now Tamaki Suoh could very well stay away from you watching protectively as you get home

But he’s too much of a gentleman to let you go alone

Or that he absolutely feeds off of your attention

Even if you originally refuse he won’t let you he’ll still escort you

Even attempting to invite himself inside but when he notices your frantic breathing and darting eyes he excuses himself 

Making a show of driving away before instructing that they return in a couple hours

“My poor angel! All alone in such poverty! I just have to make sure they sleep well!”

Kyoya Ootori

“I’d also appreciate an in-depth look at their…personal life.” 

He has to control his excitement with a push of his glasses

Typically he’d leave such a job to his…hired help 

He gets plenty of updates from them but nothing beats getting the facts of his future spouse from ground zero

If he wasn’t so pretty and such a smooth talker it might have been easier not to be swarmed 

But eventually, he gets a disguise good enough that he can continue to silently follow after 

He’s sloppy because he hasn’t done this before or rather its been a while since he has

But he manages to maintain his cover

Making sure to make note of your conversation and preferences as you stop for food or buy different items 

When the day ends he tails you from a distance by driver as he notes the safety of your route and neighborhood 

Being sure to complain threaten the city council about the lack of lighting in specific alleyways

Of course, he will collect the Ootori photographers’ work for the day and decide which one he wants for his calendar, his wallet, his corkboard, his office wall, his bedside, his ceiling

“I’ve seen enough of their common lifestyle, it's time I elevated that. After all, we can’t have my love of all people being forced to live so below their means.”

Hikaru Hitachiin

“Well, aren’t you two cuties looking happy today!” 

He’s already an avid stalker of yours 

Now Haruhi is so used to this behavior she can wave it off calming any suspicions you have when you recall how this same situation occurred once before

Just like he planned

But now there's no shaking him off now 

He’s following the both of you all throughout the day

Being sure to pick off your food with the toothpick that you’d been sucking on

Or being sure to lick the strokes on your popsicle you bought just moments before

Taking every opportunity to pull at your fingers whenever he wants to look at a ‘commoner’s’ stall

He’s even walking you home 

Actually, he’s decided he wants a sleepover 

You can’t refuse him, can you?

Because he does have that photo of you

How’d he get it? He’ll never tell

But you best cook him some commoner alternative to Italian cuisine

Otherwise, you’ll just have to pack up and come to his house

“Don’t forget (Y/n)~ you owe me for destroying this picture~! So what’s it going to be?”

Kaoru Hitachiin

“Hey, I’m glad I ran into you here! Been trying to widen my horizons and decided to try the commoner’s market! Mind if I hang out with you guys?”

He’s a lot more casual 

Having a bonafide reason why he’s here 

You would have never guessed he had bugged your phone when you last met

He’s great at acting casual 

Oddly less mischievous without his brother 

It's easy to oblige when he asks you to pose a ring for him

‘Don’t worry about it! It's for a friend of his!��� is what he says

Or when he asks about what you like off-handedly returning with it in hand from a supposed bathroom break

He’ll walk you and Haruhi home 

So nice you only think it nice to offer your bathroom for the long drive he was in for on the way home

He couldn’t be happier to see the forgotten clothes strewn in your bathroom in person

Or letting the water run while he holds your toothbrush in his mouth then switch it with his decoy

“Thanks for spending your day with me! We’ve got to schedule one of around one of these days, preferably just the two of us!”

Mitsukuni “Honey” Haninozuka

“(Y/n)-channn!!! Come try this commoner food! It really is delicious!”

Honey has two stalking styles the silent type that makes use of his ninja prowess 

And the type that just abandons watching you from afar entirely

He typically resorts to the former when you're out with potential rivals 

Sabotaging every way he can before he results to pummeling the problem this person

But this time, it's personal

Haruhi is his friend but you are his future his sweetie cake just ripe for the taking

And while with most friends he doubts you’d be interested as he’s pretty confident they get the memo

But he knows Haruhi just draws people in that way 

And he will not let that happen

So every time you go to look into her eyes he’s shoving ice cream, cake, tarts, his face in between you two

It's so much like his normal personality so neither of you questions it

It's also nothing to question when he walks you home before letting himself inside to give you whatever sweet you like

If you don’t like sweets he’s just bringing cake that he can invite himself to eat it

You can’t really stop him when he insists on exploring your home as if he didn’t already memorize where everything is

Moving faster than you can grab a hold of him he might let you go if you hug him+

“Wowww (Y/n), your house is so small! Y’know you should come to my house, it's way bigger! You can even have your own room at my place!”

Takashi Morinozuka

“...I didn’t want to disturb you two.”

He’s really good at this 

Athleticism and stealth when he really tries give him the advantage

The only thing that can throw him off his game is you

He either gets lost as he watches you gush over a keychain or a stall you were particularly passionate about 

So busy swooning silently that he’ll hardly notice when Haruhi finally taps him awake 

With him, she’s the only one who can quite obviously tell 

And since Mori has hardly shown any worrisome behavior she invites him

He’s so excited to be noticed by you 

And will enthusiastically nod his head whenever you talk to me

Probably offered by Haruhi he’ll walk you home

Only now speaking more than he typically would

He can’t help but blush as he sees you continue to look at him only him

When he bids you goodnight he’ll stand in front of your home for awhile 

Intensely watching your silhouette pad around in the window as you start your nightly routine

Imagining himself alongside you after his timer goes off he leaves reluctantly

Switching out with his subordinates

“Goodnight, (Y/n).”

#yandere ouran highschool #yandere ouran host club x reader #yandere ohshc #yandere ohshc x reader #yandere tamaki x reader #yandere tamaki suoh #lovelyyandereaddictionpoint #yandere kyoya #yandere kyoya ootori #yandere mori x reader #yandere honey #yandere mitsukuni #yandere hikaru #yandere kaoru #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yanderexrea #yandere #yanderes #yandere harem #yandere ouran host club headcannons

[mynameismckenziemae]

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone-Chapter VII

We Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd x Female Reader (no use of y/n)

She’s always gone too long

(previous chapter here, next chapter here)

Warnings: talk of medical stuff (sutures, blood, needles, etc)

“They’re being evaluated by medical now.”

A wave of nausea hits you at Penny’s words. Relief that he’s alive, along with everyone else, but fearing the extent of his injuries. You plop down beside her on the stairs with a heavy sigh. Penny squeezes your shoulder before rubbing a hand over your back.

“Does it get easier? The deployments?” You ask, already knowing the answer.

“No. It doesn’t. All you can do is try not to worry and pray they make it back.” She replies.

________________________________________

Waiting is the worst part. You and Steve hang out with Penny and Amelia in the house for the day, watching Nicholas Sparks movies on the couch.

Your phone starts to buzz. It’s a text from Jake.

Jake: Hey Sun. I haven’t seen them yet, but I think they’re okay. They took them to medical on scoop stretchers as a precaution but heard Nat bitching about it, and you know she would’ve been a wreck if she wasn’t sure Bob was good. You okay?

Tears of relief spring to your eyes. You feel like you can breathe again. He’s right, Natasha would’ve been fighting them every step of the way if Bob hadn’t responded to her.

Sunny: Oh thank God. I’ve been worried sick. I’m okay now. Thank you thank you thank you for telling me. Are you okay? Did you see them come in?

Jake: No problem, I’d want to know too if I wasn’t here. I heard them take the hit and about lost it. But Nat was so calm. Bob too, as usual. Just calmly asked them to deploy the barrier net as it was gonna be rough. I thought I was gonna puke. But she landed it perfectly under the circumstances, like always.

You get a picture from him and gasp when you open it—it’s a gorgeous, white-gold diamond engagement ring.

Jake: Don’t say anything, but I’m asking her to marry me when I get to see her. I’ve had the ring for a while, just been trying to plan the perfect proposal. But after today I realized it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t care. Life’s too fucking short.

Sunny: OMG JAKE! It’s gorgeous! She’s going to love it! Congratulations!

Jake: Don’t jinx it! She hasn’t said yes yet. 😬

Sunny: Lol, there’s no doubt in my mind that she will. I better get an invite to the wedding.

Jake: Of course, if Nat doesn’t steal you as a bridesmaid, you’ll be standing with me as a groomsman. I think you can pull off a tux.

Sunny: Haha, I don’t know about that. I’d do it for you though.

Sunny: Nat told me you wanted to kill Derek that night at the Hard Deck. I’m really glad you didn’t (you’re too pretty for prison), but thank you for being my corner.

Jake: I would’ve in a heartbeat (I look good in orange) but I couldn’t have lived with myself if he would’ve hurt you because I stepped in. I’m sorry I didn’t see the signs sooner and wasn’t there for you.

Sunny: It’s not your fault. Nor is it mine I’ve come to realize. I’m just glad he’s gone and I can talk freely to you guys again.

Jake: Me too. I missed you. Hey, I gotta go. I think one of the nurses is coming. I’ll keep you updated if Bob can’t have his phone.

Sunny: Sounds good, thanks again, Jake. Go get your girl!

________________________________________

You fill Penny and Amelia in on what Jake’s told you, leaving the proposal out since it’s not your news to share. Soon after, Penny leaves the room to take Pete’s call.

Amelia heads out too, going to get ready to hang with friends now that the dark cloud hanging over you all has lifted.

Soon Penny is back, offering no updates other than that they should hopefully be stateside again in the next day or two.

You head back up to your apartment to feed Steve his supper when you get another incoming text, this time from Nat.

Nat: Hey, Bob’s okay! He has a cut on his cheek from the glass and some bruising on his chest from the restraints, but he’s okay. I just got discharged and doc was going in by Bradley next, and then Bob.

You take a deep breath, the weight finally lifting from your chest.

Sunny: THANK YOU. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t express to you how grateful I am for getting him got him back. How are you?

Nat: I told you I’d bring him back safe. I’m great actually. 💍

A picture comes through of her and Jake. Tear-stained faces pressed together and grinning from ear to ear as she holds up her left hand, showing off her new ring.

Sunny: CONGRATULATIONS! What a beautiful ring! I’m so happy for you two!

Nat: He did good, didn’t he? I hate to do this, but can I let you go? Jake wants to call his mama and show her.

Sunny: Of course! Thank you again. Love ya.

Nat: Love you! See you soon!

________________________________________

Bradley calls soon after.

“Hey Sunny girl, how are ya? Holding up okay?”

“Hey, yeah I’m good now that I know you’re all okay. How are you?”

“Physically, I’m fine, I didn’t need medical but it’s protocol if you’re hit. Mentally though? I’m a little shaken up actually.” He replies, the vulnerability in his response surprising you.

“Will you tell me about it?” You ask, phrasing it that way so he doesn’t feel pressured.

“Yeah, okay. I knew they had me locked in and I barrel-rolled to avoid the brunt of it, but in that split second I—I know it sounds cliche but my life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was done for, that I’d be seeing my rents again soon,” voice shaking, he continues, “The whole flight back I just kept thinking about everything I haven’t experienced, I mean I’ve done some cool shit in my life but…I don’t have anyone to share it with. No one to come home to, just an empty, quiet house. I don’t mean—I…I know I have you back again, I’m so grateful for that, and your mom and dad have never stopped trying, even though I keep them at arms length. Fuck, this isn’t coming out right at all, sorry.” He laughs wetly through his tears. “I just wanna love someone like my dad loved my mom, you know? Marriage, kids all that. Man, who knew almost dying would turn you into a sap?”

Your heart hurts for him. “I understand. It’s okay to want those things. You’ll find her.”

“I hope so. If not, I’ll just join you and Bob. We can be a throuple.” He replies, voice clearer now, back to his antics.

You laugh. “Maybe not that, but you know I’m always here for you, right? My parents too. And Mav and Penny. We all love you.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks, Sunny girl. Hey, I think Bob’s about done. I’ll let you go. See you in a few days, alright?”

“Sounds good, can’t wait to see you all” you reply, hanging up.

________________________________________

You lay on the couch and Steve joins you, plopping down with a heavy sigh on your chest, pushing the air out of your lungs. You laugh and boop his nose. “You’re relieved too, huh?”

Your heart begins to pound when your phone rings. You accept the FaceTime and burst into tears as his sweet face appears, looking as handsome as ever, even when sporting a neatly sutured cut on his cheek.

“Oh no, I’m okay. I’m so sorry, honey. Please, don’t cry.” He says, slurring slightly.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m just so relieved. Are you okay? You sound funny.” You ask, laughing as Steve’s head pops up when he hears Bob.

“Yeah,” he yawns. “So I really don’t like needles. And they told me they had to numb the cut first so they could put stitches in. Then they pulled out this big needle and were about to stick it in my face to numb it. But then I got super lightheaded and the nurse told the doctor I was going…vasovaginal or something? Then they laid me down and put my feet up for a few minutes and gave me…a lousy-pam pill? I think that’s what they said, I don’t know, it made me tired though. I told them I don’t have a vagina though. Why would they say that Sunny?”

You bite your lip to keep from laughing as you answer. “It sounds like you had a vasovagal reaction, which just means you were about to faint. It happens all the time when needles are involved. They put your feet up to get the blood flowing back to your head. The pill sounds like it was lorazepam, to help you relax to have the stitches done. Which looks good, by the way.”

“Oh…okay. That makes sense. God, you’re so smart, Sun” he chuckles.

“Thanks,” You smile, tears already drying.

He is going to be mortified tomorrow if he remembers this.

You can see he’s fighting to keep his eyes open. “I’m sorry, but I think I’m gonna go to bed. I’m just so tired.”

“I understand. I’m just glad I was able to see you. Do you know if anyone called Annie?”

“I’m not sure, could you though? And tell her I love her?” He mumbles, eyes drifting closed, the phone dropping slightly in his hand.

“Yeah, I’ll call her. Goodnight. I’m so glad you’re okay”.

“Me too. Night, love you”. He replies, hanging up.

Even though you know it's a slip off the tongue, your heart stutters.

________________________________________

You shoot a text to Annie asking if she has a few minutes to chat and she calls you nstantly.

You tell her what happened and apologize for not getting in touch sooner, but you didn’t want to worry her while she’s on vacation until you knew more.

“It’s okay, I understand and appreciate it.” She assures you, talking over the girls who are yelling for her in the background. She lets you go after promising her a coffee date when she’s back.

You let Steve out a last time, get your work stuff ready for the next day, and fall into bed early, utterly exhausted from the stress of the day.

________________________________________

Bob wakes up the next morning stiff and sore, but feeling well rested. As he’s stretching the kinks out, the conversation with Sunny comes rushing back to him. He groans as he remembers telling her about fainting over a needle. He feels like he might be sick when he recalls saying ‘I love you’.

He doesn’t have time to dwell on it though, as Bradley knocks on the door, giving him a 5-minute warning before their debriefing.

________________________________________

You check your phone on your lunch break and you have a single unread text.

Penny: They’ll be back tonight by 6.

________________________________________

A/N: Sorry for the little cliff hanger last night. I think this is the first chapter I’ve written with no smut lol. Any one catch on to what I’m setting up for Bradley?

Taglist:

(I added whoever liked the post about being added to my taglist, lmk if you want off of it)

@blindedbythelightt

@sweetwhispersofchaos

@getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth

@lexixstewart

@phoenix-rising-starbird-one

@mrsrobertfloyd

#robert bob floyd #bob floyd #bob floyd x reader #jake seresin #top gun maverick #natasha phoenix trace #bradley rooster bradshaw #pete mitchell #aint no sunshine when she’s gone

[bulbasaur-gone-rogue]

I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT MY BLORBOS SO Y’ALL GET IT

(For reference. This is for Aiden and Lambert from the Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. All of these can be read with pretty much no knowledge. I went into these freaking blind off of… somewhere. I don’t know. I found them somewhere and went down a rabbit hole.)

I’ve been through all 58 or so pages worth of fanfiction in their tag. Lore-wise, we literally only know a name and vague affiliation on one of em. They’re my poor little meow meows. My silly rabbits.

I went through all those fics and I got like. Six recommendations. These all made me feel some kind of way, or I read them more than once. IN some ORDER!

1. Where I Stand by LadySesame.

Status: complete

Ohhhhhhh what if we were lovers and I thought you were dead and then you got dragged into my home (that I never quite had the courage to invite you back to) completely feral and with clear signs of torture and me n my bros and my (kinda shitty dad who I fight with a lot but he’s genuinely trying but also he’s fucking it up) and one of my brother’s weird boyfriend (who was kind of the only one who knew you existed and mattered to me in any way) had to figure out what the hell to do about all this. And then it gets better but worse before it gets better.

Vampire hunt flashback cool. Dynamic immaculate.

2. The Kaedwen Wolves by Kaerith

Status: incomplete, has not updated since 2021.

HOCKEY AU HOCKEY AU

Hockey aus really have it all. The banter. The rivals. The “we’re just homies. What do you mean I’m sending mixed signals.” The inherent homoeroticism of hockey. The “fellas is it gay to get in a fight on the ice so fast you forget to take your gloves off because some guy called your Good Friend over there a slur and like. I’m not gay or anything but also-”. And also men with muscles and a couple braincells but those only work occasionally. The chemistry.

This one would be tied for first but it’s still really early on and hasn’t updated in. A while.

3. Out of the Night That Covers Me by inexplicifics

Status: complete

Ough we love hurt/comfort and being kind in a world that is determined not to be. I love. Kind men with massive muscles who are so so so self-aware (but sometimes also stick their foot in their mouth real bad) And also terrifying women. I love terrifying women. Uh. Modern au. Everyone’s alive that I can think of.

4. Four Chambers by GilliganGoodfellow

Status: Complete

This one harmed me. It’s the accurate portrayal of grief. Warning for my homies. The Cat stays dead in this one. Had me wrecked for Amounts of Time

Rest of that series also bops and slaps. While I do love Complicated Feelings Towards Vesemir (he’s trying. He was part of an institution of child abuse. He didn’t have power to change anything. He was still part of it. He did the best he could. Maybe it wasn’t enough. He tried. Trying only gets you so far). Papa Vesemir ALSO has a place in my heart.

5. Denial by tnico

Status: complete

Author knows more weird little facts than I do. Scratches my brain. All of their works that I’ve read are stupidly good.

6. A Beginner’s Guide to Exploiting the Kaedweni Tax Code for Fun and Profit by heronfem

Status: incomplete, updating

You know.

#lambden #laiden #aiden the witcher #lambert the witcher

[writercole]

Cross the Line

Summary: They both wonder if they crossed the line.

Words: 1932

Warnings: Smut 18+. Fem masturbation. Payback being a dick, discussion of friends with benefits relationship

A/N: They're so awkward but my god it's so cute.

Tag list is done. Please follow @coleslibrary and turn on notifications for story updates.

Hangman stood on the back deck of the bar staring after her while he finished his beer. He hadn’t expected her to accept his offer. He honestly didn’t even know why he suggested it. He chalked it up to lack of sleep - he hadn’t had time to rest since he’d got Admiral Simpson’s call. Plus there was the alcohol. 

He’d been friends with Valkyrie since they were freshmen in high school and been stuck together for a physics project. They stayed friends throughout high school, throughout the Naval Academy, through basic training and duty stations. 

She’d been there when he lost his grandfather. He stood by her when her parents kicked her out for joining the Navy. They had picked each other up when their hearts had gotten broken, cussed each other out when they were being too hard on themselves. They’d had each other’s back through everything. Val needed help, that it happened to be in an area they had yet to explore together didn’t matter. Jake meant it, he’d always have her back, whatever she needed. 

He tossed his empty beer bottle in the trash and headed back to the pool tables where the rest of his squad was still drinking and talking. 

“So, Hangman,” Payback called over the music playing in the bar, “you hit that yet?”

“What?” he replied, looking at the man confused.

“Valkyrie. You with her or something? ‘Cause if you’re not, I wanna take a crack at that.”

Hangman stifled a growl while Phoenix looked like she was about to throw a punch. 

“She’s off limits,” he spat as he grabbed a pool cue from Bob and sank the eight ball.

“I’m going to have to agree with him, Payback,” Phoenix chimed in. “We were in Basic together. She’d chew you up and spit you out so fast that your head would spin.”

"She wouldn't go for it anyway," he scoffed, handing the pool cue back to Bob, "she has standards."

“That must be why she hasn’t gotten with you yet,” Payback sassed.

“Nah, that’s because I respect her too much,” Hangman replied, “I’ve known her for years.”

“That’s code for you're chicken shit,” Fanboy retorted with a smirk.

“That’s code for she’s one of my best friends and I’ll be damned if one of you dickheads fucks with her,” he snapped, turning around and striding out of the bar. 

He got back to base and was still pissed, mostly at himself for letting those guys push his buttons that way. He stopped in front of Valkyrie’s door and raised his fist, preparing to knock.

He was sure that he crossed the line when he made the offer for a friends with benefits relationship. He was going to take it back, all of it. But his fist froze.

He didn’t want to take it back. He meant it when he said he’d be happy to show her. 

He lowered his fist and turned away from her door, heading for his own room to rest for the new training starting tomorrow.

Y/N tossed and turned, trying to sleep while Jake’s words echoed in her head. She could almost pretend that it was a drunken mistake. But they’d only had two beers each before they started talking and that wasn’t enough to get them buzzed, much less drunk. 

She huffed in annoyance and glanced at her watch, seeing that it was just after 1 AM. She had to be up in four hours for training and she hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. Her mind was running wild with ideas of what Jake would be like in bed, if he was being honest when he said that he fucked better than he flew. Part of her was just thinking that he was overconfident in his abilities because he was hot. 

The thoughts became sensual, her imagining what it would feel like to have his mouth on her, how big he was, what he’d be like after. The more she tried to push the thoughts away the more they persisted. She felt herself getting wetter, arousal dampening her panties as she ached to be touched.

She slid her hand down her stomach, sliding under her thin sleep shorts and into her underwear. Wetness coated her fingertips as they slid through her folds, brushing against her entrance and causing her to moan quietly. Her eyes closed as she slipped two fingers into her tight cunt, her head tipping backwards as she stifled the whimpers attempting to escape her throat.

Her fingers moved expertly in her channel, curling against the spongy spot along her clenching walls. She came with a whispered cry, surprising herself when it was Jake’s name escaping her lips. She lay panting, coming down from the momentary high before going to the small sink to wash her hands. 

Sliding back into the uncomfortable bed, she rolled her shoulders and stretched her neck, still feeling the lingering tension in her muscles. Maybe Jake was right. Maybe it could be mutually beneficial. God, he was going to be so smug about being right.

Jake laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for hours after he got back to his room. He hoped that their conversation wouldn’t change anything between them. He didn’t know if he could take losing his best friend. He replayed everything in his head, over and over again, worrying that he’d stepped too far over the line that he was past the point of return or trying to figure out if she was fine with it.

It’s not like they hadn’t talked about sex before; they both talked about their first times and laughed at the guys who thought they were better than they were. He was honest about his hookups when she asked, which was more often than he anticipated. 

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about sleeping with her before. He knew she was attractive. It had been a fleeting thought here and there that he easily brushed off as just being horny in her proximity. It’s not like he ever thought about her in that way when they were apart. 

Jake sighed again and turned to his side, forcing his eyes closed as he tried to shut his brain off. Eventually, he drifted into a restless sleep, waking just as tired as he was when he went to bed. The only difference was the adrenaline that came with the first day of a new training.

The morning was hectic with the announcement of their trainer, Captain Mitchell aka Maverick, none other than the man that Hangman, Payback, and Coyote threw overboard at The Hard Deck the previous night. He threw out the instructions that Admirals Simpson and Bates had planned, instructing them to suit up for their first lesson.

The first group in the air made a ridiculous wager that the rest of the pilots greedily accepted, each of them overly confident that they’d be able to ‘shoot down’ Maverick before he got them. Even Jake failed repeatedly, though he was the only one to come close. 

Maverick dismissed them for lunch, letting them know that their flight time for the day was up and the rest of the afternoon would be classroom discussion. All of the recruits breathed a sigh of relief; no one wanted to be in the cockpit if and when lunch decided to make a reappearance.

Valkyrie hung back near the hangar, waiting for Jake to finish his set of pushups. She knew he wasn’t happy with the way the training went but she hoped that he’d be receptive to what she was going to say. The longer she stood and watched him, the more nervous she became. 

He stood up and dusted off his palms when Hondo blew the whistle, signaling that his punishment was finished. Valkyrie could see the anger and frustration radiating off of him as he stalked towards the building, his shoulders relaxing slightly when he saw her.

“Hey, Jake, can we talk?” she asked, her voice quiet and timid while her hands twisted in front of her.

Immediately his expression changed from one of annoyance to one of concern. “What’s wrong?” he blurted, his eyes scanning her body for any injuries.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she insisted, “I just…I need to talk to you about something. Alone”

“Okay,” he agreed, looking around and finding them alone, “over here. I’m not hungry anyway.”

He led her over to the rec room, locking the door behind them to make sure they had privacy. “Now, what’s going on?”

“Were you serious last night?” she started, sitting down heavily in the corner of the sofa, wrapping her arms around her knees and resting her chin atop it all.

“About what?” Jake questioned, moving to sit across from her, draping his arm over the back of the couch as he faced her.

“The friends with benefits thing.”

Jake swore he heard a record scratch as he processed her words. He knew he was fine with it still, he was just surprised that she was even bringing it back up. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat a little before answering.

“Um, yeah. Absolutely. You know that it’s just sex to me and the way today has gone so far, it would definitely be mutually beneficial,” he admitted with a shrug.

“So, you wanna do that? Just sex? With me?” 

“You know me, Y/N, when have I ever said anything I don’t mean?” he asked, quirking his brow. “Besides, we’re going to be stressed as hell the next few weeks and we won’t have much time to go out and find someone to scratch that itch. We already know each other and have seen each other mostly naked. And yeah, it’s mostly because it’s convenient but you know you’re attracted to me,” he explained with a wink, making her chuckle. 

“Okay, so, I guess…let’s do it,” she smiled, sitting up straight.

“You’re serious?” he pressed, “You…want to do this. Ms. I don’t do casual sex wants to be friends with benefits.”

“You make a compelling argument,” she squeaked, “I haven’t found a replacement for the intimacy that comes with sex, even casual sex, and doing it myself doesn’t…what did you say? Scratch that itch?” 

Jake kept his eyes on her, watching with his eyebrows raised. He didn’t say anything as he stared, his fingers tapping against the back of the couch the only sound in the room. He used that as an excuse to keep his mind from drifting to the images of her trying to scratch the itch herself.

“You’re sure?”

“Jake, I trust you,” she stated, “I’m safer with you than anyone else. And you’re right. If we were going to fall for each other, it would have happened by now. So what do you say? Friends with benefits?” she grinned hopefully,  extending her hand to him.

“You’re on,” he agreed, taking her hand and shaking it. 

“We need to discuss specifics,” she stated plainly, as if it were just a business transaction.

“Yeah, how about we get dinner and talk about it then? So we won’t have to rush,” he offered, “my treat.”

“Oh, how generous of you! How am I ever going to refrain from catching feelings?” she sassed with her hands clutching her chest and mock swooning.

“Shut up,” he chuckled, pushing her legs away from him. “How about we meet up in the common room half an hour after Mav dismisses us for the day? We can get cleaned up and figure the rest out from there.”

“Deal.”

Everything: @thelastpyle @deangirl93 @evergreencowboy @katelyn--renee @fictional-affairs @paintlavillered @buckys-zomdoll @polireader @b3autyfuldisast3r @welcometothefandommultiverse @mlovesstories @supraveng @xoxabs88xox

Top Gun: @princessmisery666 @evansrogerskitten @bradshaw-fanclub @saiyanprincessswanie @luckyladycreator2 @princessphilly @ahockeywrites @clints-lucky-arrow @wildbornsiren @w0nderw0man-reading @shanimallina87 @fuckyeahhangman @blue-aconite @hope-love-equality2 @peachiicherries @marvelousmermaid @therebeccaw @green-socks @imjess-themess @jostystyles @mayhem24-7forever @callsignaries @a-reader-and-a-writer @ahopelessromanticwritersworld

#writercole #jake 'hangman' seresin #jake seresin x reader #hangman seresin #the best benefits #top gun maverick #part 3

[pixelchills]

What’s up, Current content & Original story starting point

Hey guys! I’m getting back on track with the move now over, and I have my full focus on art and writing again! 

I know many of you are getting a bit impatient with the lack of updates on my fics - which is fair, they’ve been without new chapters for a few months now! However, I have been very busy with a lot of other stuff (travels, moving, crafting the dolldrops), and my focus seems to always be on one thing at a time, which hasn’t been the stories of ANSSW or MDD for the moment. 

This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning them. The updates will just be a little slower since I write those stories when I feel like it. The reason why the Prequel was written so quickly, was because it was my main focus at the time. I have ADHD, I tend to hyperfocus on one thing for a while, then move to the next. Right now, my focus has been on the Helper Bot AU, commission work, and my original story of Dreamflower. 

I might be able to go back to hyperfocusing on ANSSW and MDD, but as for now, they’re getting updates whenever I feel like it. The fics are content I give you guys for free, as art and writing is mostly just my hobby (excluding Patreon and commissions). And since I’m not working this summer, I’m doing commissions. So technically they’re my summer job, lol. So work comes first, and fanfics a bit later.

I am a disabled person with long-term fatigue. There are many days when I can’t make content at all because of how tired I am. And since I have so many projects and AUs and interests (most of them circling around Sun and Moon though), sometimes I’m more focused on other projects than I am on the others. So sorry about that!

This is not what I wanted to talk about, though. Just to give a little heads-up on what’s going on behind the screen! 

My genuine wonders lie within the original story of Dreamflower right now, and I would love to hear your opinion on this. 

I know most of you follow me for my Sun & Moon stories and AUs, but I can genuinely tell you if you like my storytelling, LGBTQ+ themes, with angst and fluff; I think you’ll enjoy the story of Luan and Solros a lot, since they are based on my Animutant Moon and Sun after all! 

While building the story and its characters, and besides a few Tumblr ask answers and drawings, I am really eager to tell their story and work on the universe with you. But right now it all seems to be still stuck in my head and drawers.

I really wish to make Dreamflower into a Webtoon one day. But to get there, I need to get faster at drawing, and figure out the story fully before I can start drawing it. Besides being a visually driven person, I’m also really wordy (ADHD trait, I talk even more than I write). So writing a comic script from scrap, where I need to keep the story moving at a good pace, seems like a lot of work to my wordy brain. 

So, I wondered: what if I write first and then script the comic from there? 

This way I would be able to get the story out and delivered - with as many words as my heart desires - while also being able to publish content about my original story. 

Of course, this would push back the actual starting point of the comic itself, but I have realised this story and its universe are a passion project of mine; I don’t really care how long it takes, since I’m mostly doing it in my free time anyway. 

So I have a few options I’d like you to help me pick out from:

Write the story of Dreamflower in the order it should be told, and publish it to AO3. Currently, there wouldn’t be an ending point, since the story itself continues far after where the Webtoon would end. 

Same thing, but publish future scenarios/oneshots to Tumblr or AO3 separately too (usually these scenes take place after Solros and Luan have started dating, and they would appear in the main story if you’d like me to keep them secret until in that part of the story.) 

Most likely, similar to ANSSW & MDD, I would include art in each chapter for visuals. I’ve found this type of content creation very appealing to myself, as it allows me to both tell a story and draw a scene from the story without it becoming overwhelming like a comic. 

So, any thoughts on this? Which way would be a good way to go?

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re having a good summer! (Or winter if you live on the other side of the globe! c:)

I'll be taking a little break again next month when travelling again, but I'll mention that again a bit closer to the date! Just wanted to give a little notice of what’s going on at the moment!

-Chill

#update #life update #pixel talks #animutants #a not so sunny world #my dear daffodil #dreamflower #original story #adhd stuff

[drfoxweyman]

State of personal affairs (IMPORTANT)

(TL;DR will be towards the bottom for those who don’t wanna read my ramblings, but I’d prefer you did since this is important.) Hey everyone, hope you’re all doing well, I’ll cut to the point by saying that I am not. For the past… We’ll say couple of months I’ve been on something of a mental health spiral, and it hasn’t really gotten any better save for my time at the Con. Which was a nice, but very brief reprieve. The whys of this dip in my well being are pretty varied, and some of it I’m not really able to talk about, whether for personal reasons or respect for others. But to put it broadly, work has been stressful, home has been stressful, my health has been stressful, everything has been stressful, and as it stands I don’t think I can keep up with things right now. So I’m taking a small break from working on commissions, and allowing myself a bit more breathing room when it comes to my streams (which is to say the next few streams may be much smaller scale, more chill chatting streams.)  

Now before any of you who commissioned me recently panic: With my current comms I will still be updating you guys, just at a slower rate than normal, I don’t intend to leave you guys in the lurch. But if by the time I’m done with them I still feel this bad, I probably won’t reopen my queue like I’ve been doing nonstop for the past while now. At least if I can financially help it… Streams like I said are gonna be a bit more lax. I’ll probably finish Pinkie Tower, but after that? I dunno, chatting and maybe some light doodling. Dunno how this will affect Sinner’s Saturday since some kind of income would be nice, but this week we’re definitely doing something different, just have to figure out what.  And yes, I still owe you guys that Discord movie night, we’ll be doing that soon. As for how long this time off is gonna be? No clue, it might only be a few days honestly, but the longest I’m giving myself is two weeks cause I just can’t afford any longer than that. And speaking of “affording”, it’s time for literally my least favourite part of the job. The shilling™️. I probably won’t really be making much if any money during this period, so if you ever wanted to support my work with a nice tip. Now would be the time. You have no idea how much even a small tip of a few dollars can help.https://ko-fi.com/foxweyman I’m not gonna sugar coat this folks. I make peanuts on my work. That’s no one’s fault, it's just the nature of being both a small artist and streamer, it’s something I’ve come to peace with as a fact of my career choices. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stress me out. Part of why I can never usually take breaks at all is because I literally can’t afford to.

I have rent to pay, phone bills, internet, electricity bills, hormone pills, pet expenses including; food, potential vet visits, toys, poo bags, cat litter, etc. I have to have money saved up incase of an emergency whether personal or work related (computer parts need replacing, tablet needs replacing etc), then there's house expenses; food, toilet paper, cleaning supplies; replacing anything we need etc. It’s a lot, even with our packed house.

The only reason I'm able to go to Furnal Equinox or Canfurence is because I start saving up money month after month after month as a treat to myself, and even when there I tend to bring my work so I can get my commission queue done faster and reopen them again as soon as the con is done.

I’ve been told to raise my prices but let’s be honest, I’m not at the level where I can charge hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for pieces, and while this may be a pessimistic view of my work, I probably won’t be able to any time soon. Same with stream goals, I don’t feel like there’s much I can offer right now that would be worth $500 goals or something.

I’d open a merch shop or something but that would be even more stressful upkeep, and again let’s be real. My reach isn’t big enough for that and you can only sell the same merch to the same customer base for so long.

I apologize if it seems like I’m ragging on about the money, but of all the things I’m dealing with it’s the easiest to talk about because it’s something I think at least a few of you can relate to. That and the more personal troubles cut a bit deeper and I’m not sure I even really wanna talk about them because I don’t like dragging you guys down with me. We’ve made an awesome little community and I don’t need to be hurting you with my problems. Is that the healthiest way of looking at it? No probably not but there it is.

Above all that though I just want some more time to myself and the people I care about, not fretting every second that “I could be working” or “I could be monetizing this”, instead of focusing on improving my mental health so I can be a better creator for you guys, and a better person for me. I wanna draw for myself again,even if it’s just low stakes doodles or barely cohesive comic pages, or hell even just to work on my poor draftwomanship .I wanna let myself play some games and not think “Oh I have to stream this”,  every time I do. I wanna be able to go out with my loved ones and not constantly be thinking “WHY AM I NOT WORKING ON COMMISSIONS???”

So TL;DR taking a light break, not sure how long exactly, will keep current customers in the loop, streams aren’t going anywhere but may be a bit different, please tip to the ko-fi so I can stay afloat during this time https://ko-fi.com/foxweyman

For those that read through, thank you so much, it means the world that you care enough about my mental health to drudge through my ravings. You’re truly the best part of this job. A wonderful community that I can just chat and be honest with, I can laugh and joke with you all without fear or anxiety. That’s exceedingly rare these days and I couldn’t be more appreciative of you lot.

That in mind, this took awhile to write, my hands are hurting, and I wanna go lie down, maybe allow myself a good cry. Thanks everyone. <3

- Blaire,“Drfoxweyman” 

#real life #irl #important #text psot #long #rambling #art #artist #streamer #support #kofi #ko fi support #mental health

[halliewriteshockey]

Update on my life, because it’s been awhile

I pulled back a lot since last year because of everything that happened with that person who’s still convinced I stole her name. She hasn’t come after me in a while, so I’m gonna get a little vulnerable.

2022 was a really bad year. Really bad. I had two surgeries and four hospitalizations, and my 18 year old was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which explains a lot of the meltdowns and spirals and crashes. After two years of him being in and out of the hospital, with the bills to show for them, and the PTSD for all four of us living with him, my sister in Texas offered to let him come live with her.

It’s been a difficult adjustment period but he’s doing better and it’s undeniably financially and emotionally easier without him here. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen soon enough for us to make it out of the hole and I owe $3000 in rent from March and April. On top of that, I got a new manager who doesn’t like me and has been trying to fire me since January, so the stress of that, along with finances and my son’s issues have made it impossible to write.

In December, I applied for a job that would solve the worst of our financial issues. I got all the way through the incredibly intensive vetting process, including a background check, polygraph, and psych eval, only to be told last week that they were “proceeding with other applicants”.

I’m honestly expecting to get an eviction notice any day now. I’ve applied for help everywhere I can, I’ve looked into every option out there to help with things, but the worst part is I technically make too much to qualify for assistance with most programs, even though every penny is going to rent and living expenses and medical bills with nothing left over.

So that’s the bad news. And it’s really bad. Getting denied for that job after four months of jumping through the hoops they demanded of me was devastating. But I’m not giving up. I have an interview next week with a hockey team and I’m applying to others in the meantime. I will find a job where I’m happy, fulfilled, and making ends meet.

I’m also writing Simon’s book, finally. Finding traction has been really difficult but I’m getting better at shutting everything else from my mind and just getting words on the page. I’m hopeful it’ll be done soon; I know a lot of people are waiting for it and I really appreciate your patience and understanding.

I’ve been trying to be more active here, too. I miss you guys and the relationships I had here and I want that back. So I’m here, and I’m still alive, and if I go down I’ll go down swinging. I’m not done yet. ❤️

#Michaela gets personal #really personal sorry 😬

[evansbby]

thank you everyone for waiting so long for a poyt update. i’m aware it’s been almost four months since i updated and while i’m not gonna apologise bc it’s super hard to write and i’ve been so busy all summer, just know that i’m super thankful for those of you who stuck around and still care for the story. the new chapter is coming soon. poyt is very special to me because i genuinely feel like with each chapter i write, i pour my heart and soul into it. it feels like i’m writing an actual novel with how much thought i put into it, and the gratification truly is the interest you guys show in it… despite the fact it hasn’t been updated in a while. and while i try to keep people interested in the story by posting drabbles, just know that i’m working hard on chapter four every day and i hope you all will enjoy it when i post it soon💘

#my thoughts 💭 #just wanted to acknowledge and thank those who wait so patiently and show so much interest #y’all are the best #then there’s the jokers commenting ‘this fic will be updated next year i think’ LMAO THANKS 🙃 #anyways increasingly I’ve become so scared that it won’t be good enough #that the wait won’t be worth it #but when I tell you it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written #like it genuinely is #so challenging #so I do hope it pays off #but thank you guys you are truly the best

[thenaughtynun]

Hello friend: ] it's been a while since you updated your story "The Right kind of Wrong" just gonna ask if you're planning on continuing the story? because I've seen you repost alot of pic of James and Fran and that got me wondering too if you stop shipping James with Lars : [

Omg, I’ve been getting so many messages concerning The Right Kind of Wrong, and it literally makes me so happy that you guys are excited for more! 🥹🥰 And I swear there will be more: two more chapters! Chapter 9 is all written out, but my friend hasn’t been able to proof read it yet. 😣 She’s been super busy, and I’m waiting for her to post chapter 9. I’m so sorry for the insanely long wait. 💔 I hope you guys won’t be too mad at me, LOL!!! And noooo, I still ship James in a whole bunch of homosexual relationships, LOL!! 😂😂 But I’ve also got a James x Fran one shot that will be coming up too. 🙈 Not saying anything more, hehehe.

[tjmystic]

Just to let you know that I haven’t abandoned this lovely verse, here’s something else that will eventually go into Steve Harrington Isn’t That Bad. (I told you, I’m shit at updating.) It’s also a teasing reminder that, yes, they will eventually get together in this fic. Eventually.

Steve isn't good at casual.

That fact becomes abundantly clear within a week of their first kiss.

It’s just… he does things. These soft, impossible things that Eddie’s never seen or heard of another person doing. Maybe if he read romance novels, he would have, but he doesn’t, so he hasn’t. All he has for reference is his experience, and he has none in this arena.

Steve holds his face when they kiss. Not rough, not like he’s trying to force Eddie a certain direction or keep him captive. It’s more like he frames his face, one or both hands pressed gently to his skin, butterfly light but very much there. Sometimes, he’ll drop his hands to Eddie’s shoulders, or run them through his hair, but, sooner or later, they always come back to his face. And when they separate, Steve traces Eddie’s bottom lip with his thumb. Every single time. Like he’s searching for the imprint his own lips left there.

Eddie knows he won’t find it. It’s there, but it’s buried deep in his fucking soul or something. Nowhere so obvious as his mouth.

But Steve doesn’t seem to care. Every time they kiss, or even if he looks at Eddie for long enough, Steve gets this goofy, overjoyed expression on his face. He’d thought Steve was laughing at him the first time it happened—that’s how happy he looks in those moments.

It’s starting to wear him thin. He hasn’t been stretched this taut with anxiety since March.

And yeah, okay, that isn’t really a fair comparison. Obviously, having Steve to hug, and hold, and kiss is eons away from running for his life in an alternate Hell version of the town he grew up in. But it’s true all the same. Eddie’s been waiting for the bottom to drop out since that night in Steve’s living room.

Because that’s the other thing—all they’ve done is kiss. Even that night. They didn’t go upstairs. They didn’t get horizontal. They just… kissed. Then, Steve noted the time, said he had work the next morning, and escorted Eddie to his van like that was a thing guys just did for him. If Steve hadn’t been smiling the whole time and trying not-subtly-at-all to hold Eddie’s hand, he would’ve taken that as the inevitable brush-off.

It wasn’t.

Eight days later, and nothing has changed from that moment. Steve comes to visit him or calls him from work to invite him over to his place. He lingers in the Wheelers’ basement when he drops off the kids for D&D. Mostly, they just talk, or smoke, or drink, but, sometimes, they kiss. Always with Steve’s hands on him, holding his face like something he wants to keep close. Keep forever.

Eddie thinks back on poor Brenda Nichols and wonders if he had it wrong all those years ago. Maybe Steve hadn’t led her on like Eddie (and Brenda herself) had thought. Not on purpose, anyway. Maybe this is just how Steve is with his hookups—too soft, too sweet, too present. It’s hard not to fall for.

Scratch that—it’s impossible not to fall for.

Even before all of… this, he found himself hanging out at Family Video more often than was strictly necessary, especially given that he never rents anything. Anymore, though, it feels like he practically lives there. He won’t go so far as to ask Steve for his shift schedule, but he will go to the video store every fucking day just on the off-chance that Steve might be there.

Today isn’t one of those days. Today, it’s just Robin.

“—and, like, it’s perfectly normal to take a gap year, you know?” she says, mouth moving a mile a minute while Eddie stares on in amusement. He’d gotten as far as confirming that Steve wasn’t in today before she launched into her spiel. “I don’t get why it’s a big deal, my parents can’t afford to send me to college anyway, and it’s not like I’ve saved up enough money for it in just a year! This gives all of us more time! But noooooo, I’m being ‘irresponsible’ and ‘not thinking about my future’ and it’s just—ughhhhh.”

#both sides of the story #steddie #steddie fanfic

[wanhedas-dagger]

Anyone want a little life update? I think it’s been a while since one of these so yeah.

TLDR: I dropped out of uni and am more attracted to men now than I ever was in my life. Those things are not related.

Firstly. Dropped out of uni. I wanted to change over to a finance course but they wouldn’t let me and I think that was for the best because engineering truly is my passion. But my degree was so bleh I had lost every ounce of interest I had in it. So I’ve moved back home and the worst of it is that I miss my friends. This was the first time I truly had friends and it sucks losing that. I plan on going back every month or so just so I can see the guys.

Second. Y’all know by now I absolutely adore American football. Leaving the sport was going to be the worst part of leaving uni but joined the local team here and it was around the tail end of the season so only got 4 sessions with them but it’s a solid group of guys, I do feel very welcome.

3. I started a company. Handyman business that I plan on expanding. It’s only like 1.5 months old atm and although I haven’t been able to focus on it and market it or anything, I’ve still done a handful of jobs

Four. Going back to studying. Starting September I’m going back to college. Not a degree but a diploma (an HND if you’re familiar), much like what I did instead of a-levels/before uni. I’m looking forward to it. It’s the sort of studying I like. The type of learning that works for me and I should have just stuck to this instead of going to uni but family pressure to get a degree and my desperate need to leave home. But oh well, I made some great friends in the process. I am getting a Certificate of Higher Education from the uni tho so it’s not all a waste. (I don’t think any sort of learning is a waste but anyways).

5️⃣ Gender-wise, I am doing pretty good. It hasn’t been as bad being home as it was when I was living here before uni. And I think that’s to do with my dysphoria being so low now. Somewhat related, on the sexuality side of things, my attraction towards guys has sorta 📈📈 dunno why and not questioning it either. Men seem to find me more attractive anyways so that’s a good thing if you ask me. Still into women, no doubt. But it’s gone from 80-20 women-men, it’s sitting at either 50-50 or 40-50 which is ?? strange.

#untagged #enrollment day is tomorrow actually #well in like 10 hours

[myloveforhergoeson]

That's All She Wrote - Chapter 19

Chapter Index

Find me on wattpad + ao3!

Show: Big Time Rush

Pairing: James Diamond x Original Female Character

Chapter 19: No Sleep Till Brooklyn ~ 11k

Jo and Camille,

You’ll never believe who took my phone the first day of tour and refuses to give it back because “I have more important things to be focused on right now.”

I KNOW HE CHANGED MY LIFE BUT SOMETIMES I HATE GUSTAVO ROCQUE. And I’d never say I hate Kelly, but I am upset she let him do that… SOS!

Thanks to my expert negotiation skills, I’m allowed one call to my Dad per week - like this is some kind of prison or something - so I’m going to do my best to write letters to both of you in order to keep you updated.

While it took a long time for Gustavo, Kelly, and I to map out this tour path, I didn’t think about what it would mean to be crammed on a handful of buses with both the band and our musical accompaniment. Our lovely producer and talent scout get to take flights and stay in five-star hotels, but I’m okay to travel by bus. I’ve only been to Minnesota, Wisconsin, and California, so I’m excited to see the country this way. First stop - Orlando! In three days!

We booked three buses, one for the musical accompaniment (technically I’m one of them I suppose, but the boys say they hate road trips with Logan, so I just snuck onto the bus he’s on to keep him company), and two for the band. Each one has three tiny bunks, some couches, a full bathroom, most of a kitchen, and plenty of cabinet space for snacks, games, and anything we could possibly need. For now, I’m writing from the couch, sitting next to a napping Logan, and Carlos is up front making friends with the driver, Henrietta. The other bus is currently transporting Kendall and James.

Speaking of, after Gustavo told us the tour was back on after the concert when I came running to you two to tell you what had happened, James practically ran straight to 2-J to pack and hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought I had done everything right but I guess maybe he wasn’t actually into me after all. Maybe just the thrill of surviving a kidnapping?

“I lived through this so now I can kiss Roxy!”

Blegh.

Though, I suppose it might be a good thing… After thinking about it while I was packing I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, if that’s even something he’s interested in. Sure, I like him, but I think I still need some time to get over what Dak did to me. As much as I don’t enjoy thinking about it, they bare many similarities and that scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit.

Pop stars

Can be self-absorbed

‘Cuda extra strength hairspray

Pretty

I should probably quit while I’m ahead, but I guess I’m gonna learn my lesson if I keep playing with fire and then promptly getting burned.

All my love,

Roxy

***

Hey,

It was so humid in Orlando that it took me an extra hour to fix my hair before the show, but other than that, we had a lot of fun! I’m really proud of the show we put together and getting to perform for a new crowd all the way across the country was so surreal. There are people who know all the words to my songs, more than willing to scream them right in my face… If only that pesky boy band wasn’t in the way.

Just kidding!

Today, we’re heading to Mansfield, Massachusetts - one whole day on the bus and a show tomorrow. I’d look up some facts about the town to share but, you know, no phone or whatever. Warden Rocque hasn’t changed his mind even after the combination of pleading from the five of us…

Before the show in Orlando, I got to talk with the guys in the musical accompaniment band a bit more, they were super nice! Mick, the bass player, is pretty quiet and mostly hangs out with Gustavo and Kelly since they’re old friends, but Austin, the drummer, is our age and easy to get along with! He goes to a performance arts high school in Los Angeles called Hollywood Arts (Can you believe that’s a real thing?! A whole school just for acting, singing, and growing musical talent?!)

Austin and I have somewhat similar music taste, and his father taught him how to play the drums, just like my dad taught me how to play the guitar! We’re alike in many ways, and since 1/4 of Big Time Rush wants to ignore me right now, I think I’ll be spending more time with him…

It’s bad that I thought James might kiss me again at the show last night, right? I stood in the same spot side-stage, putting on the same lipstick and everything, but he and the band just ran past me on the way to the other side of the venue. I wonder if he told them what happened; everyone else is being normal to me.

Logan says he misses you so much, Camille! Quickly followed by a panicked statement, “Not that I don’t care about Jo, it’s just different!” Kendall joined us on the bus today, swapping out with Carlos, and said, “Tell Jo I vow to get my phone back so I can call her again,” and when I asked him why he didn’t write you letters too, he claimed that stamps were too expensive. Perhaps your boyfriend is both illiterate and broke, Jo, and for that I’m sorry.

See you soon, even if soon isn’t soon enough,

Roxy

***

Thought of you both today, and it made me so happy,

We just arrived in Agawam, Massachusetts, which is only two hours away from Mansfield, so we had a quick show turnaround for the day.

I never knew going on tour was so exhausting, it’s like I’m constantly running around the venues, checking our equipment, making sure the proper snacks are in the band’s green rooms, or seeing if the stage crew needs any help. We have two big eighteen-wheelers to carry all of our stage equipment… I can’t imagine being in charge of all that stuff - the stage manager is a saint!

This morning, Gustavo dragged us out of the bus around 6 am to get to a local radio station so the band could promote their show tonight live on the air. They even gave a pair of tickets away to a fan, it was so fun to watch and reminded me a bit of my radio days. I might call my old boss and ask her if BTR can get on Project Pop when we finish our tour in Duluth.

While the band was working out with our athletic trainer to keep in shape for the show this evening, I hung out with Austin a bit more. He was nice enough to show me his drum kit and I think I’m going to ask him to teach me how to play if we have some free time. It looks a lot more fun than the piano, plus I get to hit things. Drums are a crucial part of instrumental songwriting, and I could really use the knowledge of a seasoned drummer to help me learn.

James saw us together today when he made his way to the stage to warm up for the show, and I might be overexaggerating but I think he was a bit put off by it. I thought about talking to him about it, not that I need to ask if it's okay or justify who I hang out with, but I actually think he and Austin would get along really well if he could stand to be in the same room as me for more than 5 minutes.

I think it should be illegal to kiss someone and then promptly ignore them. What if I wanted to kiss him again? And again? And again?

Anyway, I wish mail traveled fast enough that you two could send me replies and I’d be guaranteed to get them at the next venue. It feels a bit like I’m writing to a brick wall here, but it certainly keeps me occupied during our very rare downtime. The couch on this bus has become my unspoken spot (the bunks are too narrow and small for me to feel comfortable in them) and I need to do more than just sleep here, listen to my iPod, or write/play my guitar.

Until the next letter,

Rox

***

Hello!

Too many things happened today for me to record before the show, I’m writing you two a nice list as we drive away to our next stop.

James rode the bus with Logan and me today (a two-hour ride to Saratoga Springs, New York) and the two of them ignored me almost the entire time and just played their stupid video game on the TV. All I got was a “Hey, Rox, can we use the couch?” and some semblance of a thank you when I told him yes. Ugh. Is “Hey, Rox, remember when I kissed you last week? Wasn’t that so awesome? Wanna do it again?” too much for him now? It feels like I sucked all of his fun, flirty, carefree attitude straight out of his body.

I asked Austin if he could teach me how to play the drums and he said yes, as long as I helped him write a song for a fun summer project. Apparently, a good chunk of the kids at his school are songwriters too, how neat! If they write something like a short scene of a play, a song, or a musical composition and present it in the first few weeks of school, they get extra course credit. I wish the Palm Woods school had something like that - I’d be rocking straight A’s the entire year.

It was finally time for me to call my dad today, as per Warden Rocque’s direction, and he’s doing okay. Nothing ever changes with him, so I’m pretty at ease as we travel. Kelly let me put him on the guest list for the Duluth show, and even though I know he won’t really like our music, I think he’ll admire the production. He always wanted to tour around the country, and I hope showing him some backstage magic can help satisfy the teenage rocker he used to be. Maybe it’ll be a good time for him to meet Kendall, Logan, and Carlos too!

The band was recognized in public for the first time today while we were waiting in line for coffee! I’m not sure if the girl posted the photo I happily took of her and the boys to ScuttleButter, but I hope you two can find it so you can see their dazzling, shocked smiles. They were beyond ecstatic; Carlos spilled most of his drink from how hard his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Good thing he wasn’t wearing his concert outfit or Gustavo would’ve thrown a fit.

I was hoping to sneak away and take a train to New York City since we got here so early in the morning, but that is what happened instead. We’re playing Madison Square Garden near the end of the tour, so I’ll see the city then, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired and burnt out to enjoy it.

Warm wishes,

Roxy

***

Friends,

Sorry for the lack of letters these past few days! We’ve been so busy getting from New York to Oklahoma, we haven’t stopped anywhere with a mailbox I could easily find. You know what would make it easier for me to find a post office? Having my phone.

I’ve probably complained about that enough, right?

Over the course of this particular trip, I’ve been traveling with Logan and Carlos and I’m beginning to understand why the boys claim road trips with Logan are tough. He has a pretty strict expectation for cleanliness, which Carlos and I do not adhere to at all - but in helping clean up and placing things in their bunks to help put a rest to Logan’s anxiety this afternoon, I learned he has a picture of you, Camille, tapped to the top of his bunk. It’s been pretty well hidden by the curtain he keeps drawn, but I caught a glimpse of it this afternoon. So romantic!!! I imagine Kendall has something similar of you, Jo, but I’ll have to wait until he’s back in rotation with us to double-check.

I wonder if it’s exhausting for the other three to keep moving around, or if they prefer it that way. For me, I like knowing that Bus 1 is my bus… Having to haul all my stuff from one bus to another feels like an excellent way to lose some of my things.

Do you think if James and I were together he’d have a picture of me in his bunk? The thought of him falling asleep to dreams of me… Seems impossible. And exhausting to work for. If he’s going to be all hot and cold like this, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it, but on the other hand, it’s not like I’m communicating with him either because whenever I even try to bring up anything related to us at all, I freeze up and all the thoughts exit my brain before I can get a word out. Maybe we are made for each other after all since neither of us seems to want to get a word out… The pretty idiot and his idiot songwriter… Haha….

On a separate note, after the show in Tulsa tonight, the band, our bosses, and the musical accompaniment will be headed straight to the airport to catch a flight to Del Mar, California for our next show there in four days. Due to my flight aversion, I get to stay with the buses and gear and travel on the ground to meet them there. It will be interesting to see how I fare, considering I’ve been around the band 24/7 for the last two weeks. Maybe I’ll be able to work on some music distraction-free. I have a few works in progress, both about guys I really don’t want to think about, but once this tour cycle is over there’s no doubt we’re going to begin the process all over again for album 2.

Just paused writing this to pull out my journal and write “All Over Again” down on a blank page. That sounds like a wonderful song title.

Talk again soon,

Roxy

***

Guess what?

I was right about getting in some quality songwriting time. With the near silence of the bus, besides the intermittent strumming of my guitar and terrible singing of my own lyrics to the musical background track in my head, I think I’ve finally finished Til I Forget About You, even if the title isn’t all that accurate.

In fact, the title isn’t accurate in the slightest. In these last four days, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about Dak more. There’s been lots of frustrated yelling, crying, ripping and crumpling of pages of my journal on the floor… I don’t know how Taylor Swift makes writing break-up songs look so easy. She’s been who I pray to when I get stuck on a line or can’t figure out which chord I like better.

Between Gustavo’s and my affinity for pop music, when I write from the deep recesses of my heart, I find myself bringing out my rock roots. There’s nothing better than the feeling of guitar blasting from the speakers so loud you can feel it rattling around in your rib cage, filling up your ears and leaving them ringing for days on end, and that is the feeling I’ve been coasting on these few days…

It reminds me of my dad and I think that’s why it helps me feel better. Growing up on the heels of his time in the rock scene in Texas, then discovering the punk scene in Minnesota, he was always using his free time to replicate the sounds he’d hear at shows to play for me on his days off. He would tell me all the time that I was such a smiley, giggly kid, as long as his guitar was out - so the minute I was old enough to hold one in my hands he bought me one and taught me to play.

When I was finally old enough to go to shows with him, I always loved the contrast between our looks - my mainstream, bright-colored clothing straight out of TeenVogue and his old, beat-up black band t-shirts blending in with the dark ink on his forearms and even darker jeans and Doc Martins. Was a crowded basement in a random suburb miles away from our house, filled with drunk 20 to 30-somethings and a lineup of 7 different bands in one night really the safest place for a 13-year-old girl? Certainly not, but he always kept me safe and gave me a space to foster my own music taste just like he was afforded as a teenager.

Phew. That was a long-winded way of saying that I’m finally starting to find myself getting over the pain Dak caused me through my music, and I’m really lucky Big Time Rush has given me the space to explore this. Not that Til I Forget About You is an incredible, unmatched rock song - it is still very much a pop song, which I love just as much - but it is, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I miss both of you so much, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Roxy

***

Greetings,

One thing always seems to lead to another. In Del Mar, we finally had an actual, honest-to-God day of rest yesterday and the band asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them. Of course, I agreed, because it felt close to chilling by the Palm Woods pool, but once we got there I quickly learned that the trip everyone took without me brought Austin and the boys closer together. Which is fine, that’s what I wanted in the first place, but now, it feels like I’ve lost my touring buddy.

They spent the entire day surfing (where did these boys learn how to surf?), playing volleyball, and trying to pick up dates, and basically left me to my own devices to watch our stuff. I even wore my best bikini top (purple!) in hopes maybe, just maybe, it would bother James a bit, but I’m not sure he even noticed as he kept trying to play wingman for Carlos and Austin all day. I guess he decided no one on the beach was interesting enough to try and pick up.

Something I did notice, not that it matters at all, but Austin had a bit of trouble in the sun all day. Logan said that he was displaying symptoms of hypoglycemia, and he and I had to help Austin back to our stuff at one point after he nearly toppled over from how shaky his legs were. Eventually, we were able to get a few sodas in him, and he claimed to be right as rain, but it was pretty scary. I know it’s not right of me to ask him what I can do to help if he ever needed it because if he wanted me to share, he would have told me, but it was a bit hard not to take note of the small, off-white pod attached to his deep almond abdomen when he took his shirt off.

Typically, I’d just look it up in private to confirm my own thoughts, but I don’t get my phone for another few days. For now, though, or until he’s comfortable talking about it, I stopped into a corner store on the way back to our buses to grab some snacks that I think would help if his blood sugar were to drop unexpectedly again. Now I just pray nothing punctures the small juice boxes I put in a plastic bag or the hard fruit candies don’t spill out and stick to anything.

And on top of all of that, despite applying copious amounts of sunscreen, I managed to burn my legs. Goodbye shorts and skirts, hello pants I was saving for the colder climates. I tried to take a page out of Hayley Williams’ style book and go for shorts and fitted tees or crop tops as my go-to stage look - adding in jewelry, belts, tights, whatever to switch up my looks day to day, but now I guess I’ll be looking more like Gwen Stefani circa 1995 with my small shirts and big pants.

The show went off without a hitch and we’re off to Central Point, Oregon now, and hopefully once things get back to normal I can get my tour buddy back.

Rox

***

Girls!!!!

I know you’re both from the east coast, and I am obviously so Midwest, but there is just something about the crisp, Oregon air that makes me long for a different hometown. If I grew up here, beautiful Central Point, I think (in addition to being a major league hippie) I might have led a very different life. It’s strange to think about, and I’m incredibly grateful for my current life, but can you imagine if I was the owner of a quaint crystal shop on the edge of the evergreen forests of this state, or if I hand knit sweaters, tye-dying them all crazy, fun colors to sell to tourists. One pretty prominent radio station, Talk Radio Network, is based here, so maybe I’d still be Rockin’ Roxy out here too…

It’s a quiet town, however, not like Duluth or Los Angeles, and it’s pretty far from Portland. My dad always told me he wanted to visit there - apparently, they have a thriving music community in that town.

That’s all I have in the way of updates. After tonight’s show, we’re on our way back to California to the town of Turlock. Kelly, Gustavo, and I could have been a bit more coordinated when booking shows, but we were desperate enough to take whatever we could get, even if it meant extra travel time.

Extra travel time, however, means I have more time to think about the dumpster fire that is my love life as I am now trapped in a bus with James once again. Maybe he and Logan will play that stupid game again and leave me alone as I write.

Speaking of, here’s a few lines I’m working on. What do you think?

I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by,

Can’t even talk, ‘cause words don’t come into my mind,

I’d make a move if I had the guts to,

But I’m paralyzed

Best,

Roxy

***

Good morning, or evening, or whatever the appropriate time may be,

I’m so sorry I skipped out on letters these past few days, our show turnaround time has been insane, and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my assistant-ly duties to the best of my ability - meaning I’ve had no time to myself in the last four days. Since I last wrote, we’ve been to Turlock, California, Costa Mesa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, and are presently pulling away from Harrington, Delaware.

A list of things of note for you:

In Turlock, Carlos ran over to me during the show and asked me if I wanted to sing. I said absolutely not and he ran off again. Then in Costa Mesa, he ran up to me during City is Ours and asked me to shout “There they are!” into his microphone after the “We pull up, open the door, all the girls scream-” line, while the rest of the band held theirs out to the crowd. They’re really taking this show and making it theirs, and it’s lovely to see. As I write this, Carlos just informed me I’ll be doing that every night with that big, goofy grin of his that makes it impossible for me to even think about saying no.

We did a radio show in each city, and the questions these interviewers come up with in order to be different from one another are just insane. Though, one of the hosts did ask them if they had anyone special waiting for them back home - it gave Logan a chance to stutter his way around the question (Camille… Make it official with him already!) and Kendall the opportunity to monologue about Jo for, like, five minutes. I would’ve recorded it had I had a device on hand capable of doing so (yeah I’m not done complaining). By the time he was done, the interview had nearly ended, so Carlos squeaked out “I have four special people!” and I think he meant the Jennifers and Stephanie (Is Stephanie back yet?). James (blegh!) said “Anyone willing to wait on me is special,” like the true teen idol he is. Any girl willing to wait on him… I pity her.

My drum lessons started in Kansas City after the band managed to rope Austin into a game of pickup while the buses were unloading. Who puts a basketball hoop outside of a music venue and expects anyone to get anything done? Regardless, it was a lot of fun and Austin is a pretty attentive teacher - far better than grouchy Gustavo when he was going over piano basics. There’s a lot I can learn from him! We also started writing his song, a fun, simple summer song about the beach and girls and whatnot… I’m excited to see this project through with him.

Gustavo and Kelly wrote a note on the daily itinerary sheets they give the band and I that we’re currently headed to Denver, Colorado, where we’ll have two days off from performing to do interviews, radio shows, news slots, the whole nine yards. Apparently, news outlets come to us, not the other way around, and they’re very excited to talk to America’s next top boy band. We’ll be doing a few live acoustic performances as well, meaning the guys and I, on camera, filmed for the whole world to see. Let’s hope I don’t mess up.

Miss you endlessly!

Roxy

***

Greetings from the Mile High City,

The press day, the boys claimed, was “hella exciting” and “beyond epic”... I’d describe it more like “waking nightmare” if anyone bothered to ask me. All they had to do was sit there, look pretty, answer some questions or play silly games, and sing. I, on the other hand, was lost in an endless pile of media release forms for every news outlet to approve, combing through the Gustavo pre-approved questions the interviewers were going to ask the boys, keeping their refreshments well stocked so they never ran out of water and choked on a dry throat when they went to answer questions… My work is never-ending!

Definitely one of the worst days on this tour for me, though, I wouldn’t choose it over having to go back and rewrite Til I Forget About You. Speaking of, in my previous letter I forgot to mention a particularly important line that I keep repeating to myself whenever I find my thoughts unpleasantly flickering to Dak… Or at this point, to James.

I found a place where I can lose myself,

And just leave your memory on the shelf,

See? I’m fine, no, I don’t need nobody else.

The punctuation is subject to change, but for now, I’m quite certain I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m fine just being Roxy for a while… Even if my thoughts often turn into Roxy and James.

Not to toot my own horn, but the song is very good, and I can’t wait to record it once we get back from tour. I think that’ll be a good point to mark my “getting over it” progress.

Something I forgot to mention about these interviews, that I now realize as we pull away from the Denver venue and off to Eureka, Missouri, is I’m actually learning so much about the band by sitting and listening in. They almost never talk about their lives before Hollywood, because the four of them have (as I learned today) known each other since they were four years old. From first meeting at a Pee-Wee hockey league game all the way to playing varsity hockey at MAHS, they’ve been with each other almost their entire lives. Most of the interviewers ask really good, clear questions, that lead the boys down a path that gets them talking and reminiscing on themselves - something they rarely speak about when the others are around. Today (among other things) I also learned Carlos is fluent in Spanish, Logan was really into ventriloquy in middle school, Kendall is allergic to kiwi, and James is the heir to the Brooke Diamond Cosmetics company.

I should have put two and two together on the last one, he’s insanely beautiful and the last name “Diamond” isn’t exactly very common, but remembering what he’s told me about his mom and now knowing she’s Brooke Diamond?? The Este Lauder of the Midwest?? accounts for a lot of his behavior.

A few years ago, there was a big scandal that hit the front page of all the Duluth papers, news stations, radio waves, etc., claiming that BDC’s top model, and Brooke’s husband, Blake Diamond, was caught having an affair with a woman half his wife’s age. On top of that being insanely disgusting, it was in the news for weeks, announcing the Diamond divorce, explaining the court hearings and who got what, all leading up to Blake and his girlfriend eloping to Vegas and getting married the minute he and Brooke were officially split.

What does that do to a budding teenager? Chew them up and spit them out a completely new person. No wonder James never talks about his parents, or his home(s). The only time I learned something about his family was after the dance when he told me his mom made him break up with his boyfriend and when we were back in Minnesota he vaguely told me his parents were separated.

God, I cannot imagine what that must have/still feels like for him. Knowing that he had Kendall, Logan, and Carlos to help him through it makes me feel better, though.

I think, among other reasons, that might have been why he helped get us back to Hollywood a few days before the big concert. Either returning home to his successful mother as a failure or returning home to stay with a cheater and his new wife…

Phew. That was a long one. Every time I send one of these I can feel the two of you mentally cursing me for my wishy-washy gushy James feelings - trust me, it’s just as exhausting for me to think I’m fine alone one day, then want him so badly the next. Please bear with me while I figure this all out.

Wish you were here,

Roxy

***

Eureka!

Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Kendall woke me up from my lazy couch nap to tell me he wants to learn how to play the guitar.

“That’s great,” I said. “I’d love to teach you, but all my guitars are strung left-handed.”

Bless his heart, he cocked his head and asked, “Why does that matter?”

“Well. I’m left-handed. You’re not. It’s a completely different learning process.”

“Do you know how many hockey players play left-handed, even though they’re right-hand dominant?”

Of course, I don’t. But, in the small second I had to think about it, I realized that there are plenty of famous guitar players that do that too… kind of. Many left-handed guitar players just learn right-handed because left-hand guitar equipment isn’t produced near as much or to the same quality and standards as right-handed equipment!

Thankfully, my dad is left-handed too, so he knew where to get the proper things in order for me to play when I was little, but it was I who took it upon myself to learn how to restring a guitar to fit my own needs. When I was 12, there was this beautiful oak wood acoustic in the local music shop, but it was strung right-handed. The owner didn’t know how to restring it (claiming no one had ever asked him to before, but I just think he was lazy), so I convinced my dad to buy it, a pack of new strings, and a tool kit, and I took it apart, then put everything back everything completely opposite - worked like a charm, until I sold it a few years later to get my electric acoustic.

In all, I’m excited to teach Kendall but I’ll have to find the time in between my assistant duties and my own drum lessons. The request was a bit out of the blue, however, and I wanted to ask him why, but he was too busy buzzing to Logan about it after I told him yes. Maybe he’s trying to learn a skill that will set him apart from the other band members.

After tonight’s show, we’ve got another one tomorrow before another press day, then a stretch of three more shows back to back. It’ll be tiring, but at least we’re having fun. Playing shows is rewarding beyond measure, and hard for me to put into words, but the connection the band has to their audience is unmatched. The way they can make thousands of people get up and dance, sing, let loose… It’s a beautiful sight - one I’m so lucky to be able to witness almost every night.

Maybe you can find some clips on SnoobTube,

Roxy

***

Girls, I’m running out of clever greetings,

I AM SO TIRED.

Columbus, Ohio, along with being a boring city in the world, also happened to be the same place our press day was taking place - meaning we were there for two days too long. Then, we had our three-day tour stint.

On day one, one of our eighteen-wheelers containing half of the stage set up was late. So, guess who, on top of making sure the boys were situated in their green rooms and had everything they requested, had to assist with tech setup I knew nothing about, got to run the soundcheck almost completely alone, and explain to Gustavo the boys had to go on a few minutes later than anticipated :)

On day two, I learned more about the boys. Maybe I’m being dumb and petty, but I think it’s a bit strange that much of my knowledge of them is now coming from these interviews - they’re sharing important things, that I think as their friend I should have the right to have known about beforehand. They know I’ve been struggling to get good at the piano for months now and guess who I learned has been playing all his life? James. Would it have killed him to maybe offer a helping hand? In addition, I found out Logan’s favorite food is toast. Just… plain toasted bread and butter… Kendall’s dream pet, apparently, is a goat because he misses the one we rented at the School of Rocque so much and Carlos doesn’t think Antarctica is real. I wish I could’ve stopped him before he said that during a live interview, but you win some, and you lose some. I was too busy handling all the paperwork and helping the next news outlet set up to get the interviews done as quickly as possible to get in his way.

On day three, we made it to Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a cute town that runs along a beautiful river I discovered on a walk in the morning. Sometimes being cooped up in a bus all night gets old, so when the boys work out in the morning, I wander as far as I think I can before Gustavo and Kelly realize I’m missing. The show that night was great, but Kendall ripped his pants jumping off one of my amps, and everyone in the first few rows got to see his underwear. I’m not sure he’ll be living that one down for a while.

On day four, we rolled into West Allis, Wisconsin around 6 am, where we were promptly escorted off the bus and into a local radio station, who called Gustavo the previous evening and practically begged for a Big Time Rush live acoustic performance. So, Mick and Austin got to sleep in, while I grabbed my acoustic guitar and drowsily followed the boys into the studio, languishing in the familiar smell of Lake Michigan - So close to Lake Superior back in Duluth! We performed three songs, Big Time Rush, Stuck (of course…), and Any Kind of Guy acoustic. Honestly, my stage skills are getting better with each performance, and I think it’s because the guys make me feel so relaxed when we play together. Whenever I performed with Brand New Day, I was always trying too hard to impress Dani, and more importantly, Mag, so playing always took a ton of effort. But with Big Time Rush, I feel so at ease, and I’m able to let loose and have fun. The only thing that caught me off guard today was James derailing the interview before Stuck to dedicate it to “Any girl who feels like they’re invisible… Don’t worry, I see you.”

Dedicating a song you didn’t even write to a person it’s not even about? Barf. Those words keep rattling around in my brain and I wish I could kick them straight out, but I’ve been dwelling on them for days.

On day five, we took a ferry (!!) to Midland, Michigan, while our eighteen-wheelers had to take the long way around, through Illinois and Indiana. Since our stage equipment didn’t arrive until the later part of the day, I pulled out two of my guitars stored away in Bus 1 in order to give Kendall his first lesson at the venue. Since Carlos bunked with Logan and me the night before, the boys decided to switch buses for a few hours, which meant I had to deal with an insane amount of James' side eye as he went about making his breakfast in the small kitchen.

If he’s got a problem with me hanging around my friends, he’s no better than Dak and I’m certainly not going through that again. He kisses me a few times and now thinks he has some weird possessive thing over me? Absolutely not. I’m just so done with him, I don’t understand how just a month and a half ago we shared a journey that literally altered the course of our lives, and now, here he is, acting as though it meant nothing to him.

Maybe I need to get out of the celebrity dating pool - if this tour has taught me anything it certainly is the fact that all my friends are famous and I am not.

Yeah. What a downer of a letter this turned into,

Roxy

***

Send lots of caffeine and my giant stuffy puppy to Fairlea, West Virginia, please!

I’m too exhausted to write out a better greeting, so this letter begins with the truth. There were many times over the last three days I sat down to write this, but every day I ended up falling asleep in the middle. Last night, Logan had to physically remove the pen from my hand while I slept as I was apparently in danger of poking my eye out.

In three days we’ve been to Hamburg, New York, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Peru, Illinois. Another day without seeing the Big Apple, another day in a big city that makes me miss Los Angeles, and another day in a city where if the name and state weren’t written down on our call sheets I might be so tiredly deluded I think we’re in a different country.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James are natural-born performers. I, on the other hand, am starting to believe that I may not be cut from a similar cloth. Something inside of them keeps them on the go, go, go, and I would love to know just what it is that makes them tick. The only thing keeping me motivated right now is getting to hear the crowd sing along to my songs every single night. It sounds a bit cheesy to write out, but it’s true! To know all of our hard work writing, recording, and rehearsing, is paying off and reaching corners of the U.S. we didn’t even know existed! And that people are buying our album… So I’ll have a nice cushion of a retirement plan when I’m older…

That, and my lessons of course! Austin has been so cool about helping me learn the drums, and I think I’m getting pretty good even though I’ve only had a few moments of practice. That, and we even had enough time to work on our song more, which is surprisingly almost complete… That boy can write! My goal is to write a drum section for one of my songs all by myself. Normally, Gustavo is able to take my lyrics and guitar melodies and write in drums, bass, piano, or whatever else we think is necessary to execute our grand vision, so for once, I’d like to fill in a new instrument and save him some time which would probably also equate to saving him some time yelling at our other band members.

Guitar lessons with Kendall have been going well too, though I’m not sure he’s very fond of me as a teacher. I’ve struggled to put together little exercises for him to practice because I barely remember learning guitar myself. Maybe I can talk to my dad about it on our next call.

Oh! And Carlos and I invented a game today!

We call it Honk Bonk, and you play it exactly how it sounds. Any time a car in traffic honks, you bonk the closest person on the head with something near you. My weapon of choice, of course, is my journal, and the boys are already used to bonking from that, though someone did honk during Kendall’s lesson today… I was tempted but alas, he needs to stay pretty so he can date my best friend. And sell more albums.

I hope you’re both well, I can’t wait to get back home to see you,

Roxy

***

Panicking! I spent all of today panicking!

This morning, Logan and Kendall shook me awake around 3 am to tell me that it was James’ birthday. TODAY.

I had a few thoughts on this. 1. Why didn’t any of the band mention this until we were three hours into the day? 2. Where the hell am I supposed to get party supplies on a moving bus rolling into Fairlea, West Virginia? 3. How am I going to survive an entire day centered around the guy I’m doing my very best not to think about? 4. Is James mature enough to be the first of us to turn seventeen?

Thank God James was on the other bus because if he had heard the ideas Logan, Kendall, and I had in order to surprise James the minute we stopped at the next venue…

Here was what we came up with:

If you cut up little pieces of colored paper, it kinda looks like confetti. The colored paper in question? Three of the front and back covers of books Logan had brought and finished in the first part of the tour. Kendall had to physically restrain him as I did this.

I’m a songwriter - when in a pinch, write a song. The three of us quickly devised a little spin on the traditional happy birthday song to surprise James with on stage later that blends into the traditional song everyone knows. Hopefully, an entire stadium of people singing to him is a good enough gift.

We can take old tour itineraries from the previous towns, a Sharpie, and some of the bungee chords holding our equipment down during travel to make a HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES banner.

The bus was stocked with enough items to make Oreo Fluff salad, thanks to the miracle that is pudding cups, but not a real cake… He seemed to enjoy it when he came to tell me we were going back to L.A. after a few hours in Duluth. I don’t have any green food coloring, however, so it was boring black and white.

A sub point - around 6 am I begged the bus driver, Henrietta, to let me use her phone and call a Fairlea local bakery and express order a cake to bring out on stage. I also managed to call the venue and ask them to pick up some cupcakes to be waiting in the green room when we arrived and put up any party supplies they had on hand.

It was exhausting, like most things on this tour I guess, but once we rolled into town everything had been squared away, our efforts were well worth it.

Did you know that when James smiles, like really smiles, he has the most adorable dimples that carve right into his cheeks?

A smile that makes me breathless. A smile that remained on his face all day as we surprised him with our homemade banner, confetti, and treats. A smile plastered on his face the entire show, especially when we surprised him with our song, cake, and the entire crowd sang him happy birthday.

When the show ended, the band freshened up and went to meet some fans out by the front of the venue, and I had to run back into the bus and record my journal entry and write this letter, as I currently am before they came back.

My journal entry contained the word “James” like 40 times.

GOD! He ignores me almost all of the tour, speaking to me only about the essentials or whatever's going on around us on our days off, I finally decide he isn’t into me and I should just chill out for a bit, and now I’m suddenly all about him again. Maybe it’s just because I’m around him literally every day… Maybe it’s because I felt a hint of (healthy! Definitely healthy!) jealousy when he looked at everyone singing to him on stage and in the crowd except for me… Ugh.

We’re on for another multi-day stretch of shows, so please forgive me for fewer letters as the days go on,

Roxy

***

Look I know I said I’d be sending fewer letters but I NEED to tell you guys this.

After arriving in Farmingville, New York, around 9ish in the morning, I was abruptly awoken to the sound of Gustavo yelling at the band about who knows what. Apparently, this pissed them off so much they came storming onto my bus, told me to get ready as fast as I could, and thirty minutes later we were sneaking out of the venue and into a taxi that drove us right into the heart of Manhattan.

We messed around the city for the ENTIRE DAY and Gustavo had no way of finding us since he had our phones. Finally, we got to be the tourists instead of the attraction, before getting back to the venue before the show started.

Once the taxi dropped us off right outside of Time Square, Logan had the brilliant idea for each of us to pick one thing we wanted to do, and do our best to complete them before the end of the day. The list is as follows:

Kendall wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building

Logan wanted to visit the Morgan Library

Carlos wanted to see Spider-Man

James (after loudly complaining we couldn’t see something on Broadway) wanted to take a sightseeing cruise around the bay to see the Statue of Liberty

I wanted to see the musical instrument display at the MET and I convinced everyone to join me for a lunch picnic in Central Park.

Today was literally perfect, though I did feel a bit bad about leaving Austin and Mick back at the venue to run the soundcheck without me.

Besides admiring the thousands of advertisements roving around the Square, the first thing we did was hit the Morgan Library. The architecture was just breathtaking and it was amazing to see the carefully curated collection of historical documents. They even had musical manuscripts and printed forms of music from nearly one hundred years ago… I wonder how a boy band in 1909 would look… Or if my journals will be on display in 2109… Scary!

Not as scary as the top of the Empire State Building, though!

It was so cold and windy up there, even in the middle of the summer. I practically had to cling to Carlos’ arm to feel even a little bit stable, but of course, he wanted to get right up to the very edge of the building and look straight down. Kendall and Logan wanted to join him (one to spit off the edge and the other to try and calculate how far away the second tallest building in NY was) so I got passed off to James. Would it have killed him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be alright? Jesus. He just stood there, silently looking off into the distance while I clutched at his arm. Message received: He isn’t into me.

The rest of the day was fun and I wanted to write more but now I’m a bit sad after writing that. All I really want to do is go to bed now; I’ll tell you about it when we meet again, I guess.

Roxy

***

Daddy,

Tour is hard. So hard. And I feel so stupid for thinking that I was cut out for this kind of thing. Songwriters are for the studio, not the stage. I’ve spent so much time around the guys I’m starting to go crazy. You and I always talked about traveling if we had the money, and let me tell you one day per city is hardly enough to even say that I’ve been here. It’s not cross-country exploration if I haven’t explored five minutes past the closest coffee shop because I can barely keep my eyes open without caffeine.

I’m constantly tired. My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. My fingers are so sore. My eyes are dry from the incessant spotlight lighting us up for thousands of people every night. The next person to ask me for something might get their head bitten off if they don’t say “please?”

Just because I’m an assistant doesn’t mean I get to be walked all over.

The applause is nice though, hearing everyone sing along to my songs even in parts of the country I’ve never even heard of… Maybe that’s enough to get me to Duluth.

I can’t wait to see you. Sorry for the depressing letter, I’m having a hard time being away from both of my homes.

Promise you’ll listen to the setlist before you see us?

I hope I’m making you proud,

Roxanne

***

Hi.

The shows in Lima, Ohio, and Falcon Heights, Minnesota were great. Our friends are just so talented. It was hard being so close to Duluth, and I invited my dad to the show last minute, but he wasn’t able to make it.

We’re driving to Essex, Vermont now - 13 hours into a 20-hour journey.

The weather out here has been awful, it’s been thunder storming nonstop, so we haven’t been making as many stops as we usually have. Just my luck I’m stuck with Logan and James, and I’ve been writing a song all day.

It’s a song for James’ invisible girls… More accurately, a song full of words I wish he would say to me.

Am I out of mind, or just invisible?

Anyway. It’s been extra hard to write because the two of them were sitting less than three feet away from me the entire time. They’re both so nosey, consciously or not and kept looking over at me. I could tell they wanted to ask me about it, but at least they were respectful enough not to.

It’s got a really beautiful guitar melody, but I’d love to get my hands on my keyboard back home because I have a cool idea for a backing track… Never thought I’d be excited to play the piano but here I am, itching to play it thousands of miles from home.

We play Boston, Massachusetts in a few days, and the boys kept talking about wanting to hit up a pizza place in the city that they visited during one of their hockey tournaments a few years ago. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the next 7 hours. That’s when we get to the next venue, though we have to take a day off from the show tomorrow. Not only is it Carlos’ birthday, but it’s the day of Hawk and Rebecca’s trial. Sweet, sweet seventeen spent reminiscing one of the worst moments of our entire lives. Whoo whoo.

In other depressing news, after coming to the realization that I like James, but he doesn’t like me, it’s been extra hard to be around him. Mostly I just hang out with Austin and beat out my frustration on his drum kit… The last 13 hours have been like hell. Every time James smiles, it makes me want to. His laugh rings in my ears, sending a jolt straight through my heart. Whenever he gets up to walk by me, it takes everything in me not to stare as he moves about the bus.

It’s exhausting… Having a crush on someone is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to feel like I’m walking on air, and glow, and sparkle, and shine. Instead, I feel like shit.

Truly, I guess I don’t really know him like I thought I did. What happened to the always flirty, unserious, loverboy who took me on a date our first month in Los Angeles?

I think I blew my chance with him once I met Dak, and I think I hate myself for it.

Exhausted and missing home,

Roxy

***

Happy birthday, happy trial day,

I hope you’ll be pleased to know that Hawk and Rebecca will be going away for a long time. We tried to celebrate Carlos’ birthday with cupcakes at the venue, but no one had an appetite after our Skype trial. To try and lighten the mood, I played a few songs he showed me at the beginning of the tour on my guitar, but I could tell as he absently sang along it wasn’t really helping.

Though, in other news that I shouldn’t be happy about, James spoke to me today unprompted and asked if I was okay after my testimony. Apparently, I was speaking quite shakily… Which, yeah. I was fucking kidnapped and asked to recount it in front of a room full of people I don’t know, of course, I was shaky. But at least he was thinking about me.

Maybe he needs signs or cues or reasons to act or something… Weirdo.

Anyway, we’ll bring a cake out for Carlos during the show tomorrow and have the crowd sing for him. Hopefully, he’s in better spirits tomorrow.

This was a weird letter, I know. Life’s weird recently, but thanks for reading. Miss you two.

Roxy.

***

Carlos fucking Garcia has been reading my mail. I’m convinced of it! Because tonight, when the band did the little introduction of their musical accompaniment, Carlos introduced me, walked right up to me, planted to sweetest, wettest, loudest kiss onto my cheek, and told me he loved me in front of the whole crowd.

When I told him I loved him back, we got some “awwws” (mostly “boooos” that I’m choosing to ignore) and continued the show.

Then.

When the show ended.

James grabbed my hand, dragged me off towards the back door of the venue, onto some side street alley where we couldn’t hear the crowds of people leaving the show anymore, and asked me if I wanted to make out.

A reason to act! Carlos telling thousands of people he loved me was a reason to act!

So.

We made out in a dirty, smelly alley and I think it was the best night of my entire life… Besides the five seconds I’m pretty sure a rat touched my foot.

There is hope yet,

Roxy

P.S.

When I got back to the bus I was buzzing so bad I told Logan everything. That I liked James, that we kissed, that we kissed some more, that I think about him all the time, that I’ve written one and a half songs about him already.

I’m in so deep at this point… And all Logan did was grin at me - stupid, dumb grin - and say “Finally,” before heading off to his bunk to sleep.

Camille, I hate your almost-boyfriend and I’m drawing all over his face in Sharpie tonight.

***

Oops,

Not to leave you two on a cliffhanger but the last month of tour has been so insane I haven’t even had a minute to myself to write (letters or otherwise), think, or even just take a breather in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

The rockstar lifestyle is hard to get used to… Hopefully, we budget more off days for future tours or I might go crazy.

To answer the question I know is on your minds: No. Nothing else happened with me and James, though he does actually sit down and talk to me now (even if it’s mostly work-related, I’ll take it). We toured all throughout most of the other states in the country, I’d write them all here but I lost track after Boston if I’m being honest. Though I do know that at one point we were in Phoenix, Arizona and Kendall accidentally said “Hello, Las Vegas!” to the entire stadium.

MSG was insane. Best venue I’ve ever been to, the best crowd we’ve ever had, and the second-best night of my life.

As I write to you now, we’re about to play our last show in Duluth, Minnesota, before our three-day journey home. I’ve got a bunch of silly string to prank the boys with on stage during their solo sets… They won’t even know what hit them!

My dad finally got to meet the guys, though I’m not sure he liked any of them but he was kind enough - but what father would like the four boys his daughter is best friends with? I have no idea why he keeps calling James “Jay” but whatever. After the show ended I snuck him out of the venue and showed him our buses, and trucks for stage set up, and let him meet Mick and Austin as well - Austin even performed his song for my dad… His first audience member!

Safe to say, he loved Austin’s number, but how he felt about everything else, he didn’t share on his face like normal. I like to think I’m pretty good at deciphering how my father feels at this point in my life, but he kept his expressions at bay as we walked around everything we had waiting for us outside. I hope it didn’t put him off or something, considering I know that being a musician was his dream, too. What he did say was: “You shared this bus with two boys?” and “Which guitars are you using, Honey Bun? You deserve only the best.”

Dads.

I also got to meet Logan and Carlos’ families! (Minus James’... I felt really bad for him that his parents weren’t there…) Logan’s moms were so sweet - overly doting on him, fixing up his outfit, practically smothering him with health facts and tips. I think one of his moms is a realtor, while the other is a doctor, which would explain Logan’s want to be a doctor himself. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a pediatrician. She gave off the vibe she’d be amazing with kids. It must have been so wonderful to grow up in that household :)

Since I’d already met Carlos’ dad, Mr. Garcia was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and three daughters. Genetics work in mysterious ways, blessing each of the Garcia children with the same dark hair and alluring eyes. It was hard to tell sisters Maria, Lupe, and Alena apart, but after talking to them a bit I was able to find some differences. They all followed me on ScuttleButter, so maybe we’ll talk more in the future. I loved getting to know them! Mrs. Garcia and her son also share a lot of the same mannerisms - they’re both curious, caring, and just a bit ADHD. The two of them spent most of their time together with the girls, pointing out different things about the venue, sharing stories from their time away from each other, and the coolest part was their switching back and forth from English to Spanish depending on if they wanted their conversations to be overheard or not.

At one point I think they were talking about me (and James) but I can’t be sure. Maybe if I’d taken Spanish in school instead of French my freshman year…

I wish Mrs. Knight had been there, but Kendall and James kept themselves occupied by talking sports with my dad. For a bit, Dad and Kendall talked about guitars after mentioning that I was teaching him how to play, leaving James out of the loop, so I went over and struck up a conversation with him.

Normal. That’s what we are - or more accurately what our relationship is - though, I think he looks at me a bit differently now. There’s no evidence to that last statement, I just feel his eyes on me sometimes and it makes my chest flutter. I much prefer being friends (who made out) that are able to be around each other, than whatever his weird, “ignore Roxy” game was.

The show’s in 10, so we need to start walking to the stage!

I loved writing to you two, but I can’t wait to get back to talking face-to-face. I’m in dire need of a girl’s night.

See you soon (for real this time),

Roxy <3

--

A little change of pace before season two! Thanks for reading :) Support for this story has been overwhelming!

Since school is starting back up, I'm going to be switching back to posting every two weeks instead of every week. <3 

Season two starts September 5th, but I'll do my best to post little one-shots and such on my tumblr, so check over there every once and a while :)

#thats all she wrote fic #big time rush #btr #james diamond #james maslow #kendall knight #kendall schmidt #logan mitchell #logan henderson #carlos garcia #carlos penavega

[yamigooops]

I posted 1,147 times in 2022

13 posts created (1%)

1,134 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bfbkg

@prettyboykatsuki

@kingkatsuki

@miggiisdumb

@orirocks

I tagged 123 of my posts in 2022

#cel saves - 59 posts

#cel screams - 41 posts

#cel suggests - 27 posts

#cel sobs - 25 posts

#bakugou x reader - 24 posts

#cel speaks - 20 posts

#bakugou katsuki - 14 posts

#cel simps - 10 posts

#soft bakugou - 8 posts

#bakugou smut - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#i kinda wanna replace his fingers with mine on the carb and make him take a fat fucking rip on the bong

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I have yet to put last year’s sticker on anything bc I’m too hesitant and feel like I’ll regret it, so you best BELIEVE these popsicles ain’t goin anywhere yet… it has to be perfect because they deserve nothing left 😌💕

Thank you so much for these @birfart I literally can’t wait to hang them in my new apartment when I get it (mind you I haven’t started looking but I just graduated so it’ll happen soon hopefully lol) The prints will be front and center on my anime wall 🥰🥹✨

15 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

#4

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Todoroki Enji | Endeavor/Reader Characters: Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Reader Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Dragon King Endeavor, Queen Reader, Arranged Marriage, Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, War, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor Redemption, Soft Todoroki Enji | Endeavor Summary:

When a chance to end the 100-year-long war sits itself right at your feet in the form of a 7-foot-tall dragon king, you can't help but accept. Little did you know where you'd end up...

Hi lovelies!! So I’m writing my first ever series (though I have another in the works hehe) and I wanted to share it with you all. I’ve decided to post it to Archive Of Our Own instead of Tumblr, but I may cross post it here in the future, depending on how well it does over there. I hope you’ll all consider reading it, because I have big plans for it. Chapter 1 isn’t any nsfw, but that’s coming very soon! 

20 notes - Posted January 3, 2022

#3

Y’all Shinsou really ain’t that nice of a guy in the show, and he’s so driven by the need to prove to both himself and others that he’s not a villain that sometimes I wonder if he really wants to be where he is, or if he just feels obligated to prove that everyone’s expectations that he’ll be a villain are wrong.

It makes me kinda hurt for him bc sometimes he seems unhappy with his journey to becoming a hero, but at the beginning I thought he was just as competitive a person as Bakugou, only super cold instead of explosive. But now, high and on my third rewatch of MHA, I feel like he just feels obligated to prove everyone wrong, whether or not that is what he really wants to do with his life.

Idk, I feel like he’s a really open-for-discussion character when talking about him canonically and I kinda love that about him. If y’all have thoughts about him and his character, lemme know bc I just love this boy so much and truly think he’s severely underrated

is this opening the possibilities for a shinsou hurt/comfort fic? maybe it is maybe it isn’t I guess you’ll have to wait and see huh?

24 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

#2

Hey I know you beta’d for Gnarlypunkassbitch for Our Enigma. I noticed she’s deleted her ao3 account and her Twitter, do you know what happened or if she’s ok?

Omg yes! Ok so she DMed me before deleting and let me know that she’s had some ongoing issues with both her physical and mental health. I’ve known about them for a little while, as that is the reason she hasn’t updated the story since like February I think?

Essentially she had been feeling a tremendous amount of pressure over not having the time, energy, or inspiration to write and/or update the story. Despite readers’ support and reassurance for her to take her time and prioritize her wellbeing, as writers online we can often get caught up in the trap of thinking that just because we have a story that might be successful, which I would absolutely consider OE successful with tens of thousands of reads, we have to update on a constant schedule or our readers are going to get mad.

I know when she first started it she updated regularly, but from what I know it was supposed to end a while ago but she kept extending it bc readers wanted more. She eventually had to prioritize her well-being over the story, since she lost inspiration. And while this happened a few weeks ago, she still felt the pressure from AO3 and Twitter, so she decided that a full cleanse would be best for her.

However, we are still in contact, so she hasn’t completely vanished. I’ve emailed her in response to the DMs she sent me before leaving Twitter, and expressed my support for her to take care of herself first. She did say in the DMs that she may come back and repost the story in the future after she’s worked on herself, but that’s completely up to her. I do still have the beta read documents, and she still has the originals, so the story still exists, just not publicly right now. I was also talking with her about releasing a podfic of the story, though I hadn’t planned to even start recording it until October.

As of right now, she hasn’t responded. I emailed her on April 6th when she left, so it hasn’t been super long since then. But I expressed that she didn’t have to respond or anything if she needed a full cleanse from everything. Though I did express that I was sending her good vibes and thoughts, as well as my willingness to act as a channel for her to communicate with all the fans of OE in order to update you all on her state, as well as share your support and love for her.

I just feel so incredibly privileged to have been a part of this story, even if the work I did never got shared publicly. Because I got to become friends with a generous, kind-hearted, marvelously talented woman, while also sharpening my editing skills at the same time. Like I literally kept a cry count throughout this fuckin fic and the first read through I cried 15 times, and by the end of the beta it was up to 27. If a writer is able to make you cry even when you know what’s coming next? That’s true mastery in my opinion. So like wow. I just…. I’ll never shut up about this fic y’all. Never ever. I wish I could share the beta docs so y’all could still read it, but that would be a breach of her trust since she took it down publicly and hasn’t responded to my message yet. So I unfortunately won’t be doing that.

I’m also honored that people have come to me to ask after her. Like wowza. I’ve had numerous people do so, and I just can’t get over it. The love that has already been shown just in the past 6 days is astonishing. She impacted so many in such a profound way, and I am more than happy to act as a bridge to you all now. Though I will say that if you’d like to send her love and/or we’ll wishes that I won’t be contacting her again until she responds to me. Because we all need to respect her journey to healing, and if that means never hearing from her again, I hope you’re all willing to accept that and still wish her well.

So really all we can do now is sit together in our love for her and the story, send her positive energy in her road toward healing, and cross our fingers that she will one day bring this masterpiece back to life. But the decision is completely up to her, and I hope you’ll all support her just as much as I do. Keep an eye out for her possible return, maybe check like once every month or two. I will also make an announcement if she does return, so let’s do what we can right now to get her those good, healing vibes 🥰🥲

Below are my true feelings regarding the (hopefully temporary) loss of this absolutely incredible writer and friend:

See the full post

64 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

good luck charm

synopsis: when you decide to get a little cheeky and put on a cute cowboy’s hat you get a lot more than you bargained for

warnings: strangers to lovers, slight size kink, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex, Katsuki’s a playful bastard (if there are any I’m missing let me know lmao)

length: 9.7k

inspired by an ask submitted to @kingkatsuki by @thecowboykatsuki-anon and featuring art based on the same idea by @jozstanko-art​ we’re all just whipped by this fucker and want to put his hat on and have him fuck us silly

Rodeos weren’t particularly your thing, considering you had grown up in the suburbs your entire life. College had introduced you to people who had grown up with lifestyles contrary to your own, including your best friend Mina, who had grown up in a small rural town. Where she had grown up everyone knew each other, and things like farms and town fairs and rodeos were commonplace among the population.

So, when she invited you to one of said rodeos after your junior year had ended you were intrigued enough to oblige. She had told you about them for the past three years, and you were somewhat curious after all the hype she had placed on them. So about two weeks after the semester ended you found yourself in her hometown. It was a small town, with a main street that consisted of about three blocks of bars and independent shops that provided everything from boutiques to ice cream parlors.

As the day approached dusk on your summer vacation you found yourself at the main fairgrounds for the (apparently monthly) rodeo and trying not to entirely mentally check out. You genuinely had no idea what was going on, despite the fact that Mina had spent the hour and a half drive from your university apartment to her childhood home explaining everything that happened at a rodeo. All you could grasp was that there were three events and which ones her friends competed in. One competed in two, while another competed in the other.

The third friend competed in all three events and was recognized area-wide as exemplary in all of them, and by the way Mina described this man he was incredibly attractive. So, you spent your free time on the drive imagining how this man looked. You only knew he had blonde, spiky hair, red eyes, and a near permanent scowl. However, considering he participated in all three of these events you had to assume he was in peak physical condition. Something about Mina’s description of him made your stomach flutter.

As she pulled into the parking lot of the arena you realized just how popular this event was. It seemed as though every person in town was here, and the parking had spilled over from the actual lot onto the field surrounding it. Once you had parked in the closest possible spot, you and Mina made your way over to the competitors’ area.

Since she knew so many of the participants the two of you were permitted past the gate reading “Competitors and staff only.” She led you through a light crowd of men and women, many of whom were decked out in full cowboy regalia. There was also the occasional horse, bull, or steer being led to their pens to await their turn on the arena floor.

Coming to a pair of young men, Mina bounced on the balls of her feet and tapped a red-haired man on the shoulder. He turned around questioningly before lighting up at the sight of your best friend.

“Well look who finally made it,” boomed the man. He towered over you, absolutely built but attractive in a big puppy kind of way. His smile was infectious, and as he pulled Mina into a bear hug, you found yourself smiling as well.

“Eiji, I missed you so much!” Mina practically jumped onto her friend, her arms clinging around his neck. So, this must have been Kirishima. Now that you heard his name you could recall several stories Mina had shared with you about the red-haired giant. She had also shared with you, in confidence of course, that she’d had the biggest crush on him since middle school, but never worked up the courage to ask him out.

“Missed you too,” he murmured, his face buried in her neck. If you didn’t know any better, it would have looked like the two were already dating. The thought had you chuckling, as it was quite obvious that Kirishima felt the same way about Mina. You supposed it was probably easier to see as an outsider.

“God, get a room, will ya?” came a gruff voice from behind the pair. You shifted your attention from the closeted lovers before you to the man standing just behind them. Sure enough, based on Mina’s description of him, you assumed it was Bakugou Katsuki. Only he was so much more attractive than you had expected. His garnet eyes were piercing as they moved from Kirishima and Mina over to rest on you, and you found yourself blushing and looking away under his intense gaze. “And who are you?”

“Oh, guys this is my best friend and roommate Y/N,” Mina supplied, releasing Kirishima from the chokehold she had him in and moving back to your side to prompt you forward. “She finally agreed to come see you guys compete!”

“Wow, that’s awesome. Thank you so much, and it’s nice to meet ya,” grinned Kirishima as he held out his hand to shake yours. He was the picture of gentlemanly perfection, and you found yourself instantly drawn toward him.

“Absolutely, I figured I should come see what all the hype is after this one talked it up so much for three years,” you chuckled and gestured toward your pink-haired friend. “She talks about you guys all the time.”

“Better be good things,” grumbled Bakugou, crossing his arms over his chest. The action had his black, green and red plaid shirt pulling tight over his biceps and chest, drawing your attention to the rest of his physique. His thighs were massive, though you supposed that was from years of training to ride bucking animals. His leather chaps had imagery of explosions down the sides, and flared out at the ends along with his dark jeans to accommodate his leather cowboy boots. Atop his head sat a well-loved black cowboy hat, beneath which his spikes of ash blonde hair peeked.

“Oh, only the best. I hear that you guys are some of the best riders around,” you nodded. His slight scowl didn’t budge, and in that moment, you decided you’d make it your goal to get him to smile by the end of the night.

“Aww, thank you Mina,” Kirishima crooned, throwing his arm around the smaller girl.

“Of course, I’d say good things, ya doofus. You guys are my best friends.” Mina’s cheeks were darkening from the proximity to the “love of her life,” as she had put it so many times. 

You chuckled, watching as the childhood friends caught up with one another. There were two more that joined, named Sero and Denki, and as the conversation continued and the crowd shifted, you found yourself shoulder-to-shoulder with Bakugou after a while. You chimed in every once in a while, but mainly let Mina catch up with her friends. Bakugou seemed to have a similar approach to the conversation, watching as Mina and Kirishima cluelessly flirted and teased one another. 

“Are they always this oblivious?” You kept your words quiet as you directed them toward the blonde beside you.

“Those two have been doing this shit for years,” he sighed. “We keep tryin’ to get em together, tell them that they’re into each other, but they’re about as dense as two blocks of concrete.”

You snorted, “Must be exhausting having to watch that for so many years.”

“You ain’t got a clue.” He let out a puff of air through his nose, and when you peeked up at him through your lashes, you realized it was a chuckle. There was a shadow of a smile on his lips, and you felt your chest glow with pride at having gotten even that out of the stoic man.

“You should smile more,” you said teasingly, bumping your shoulder against his, though it was admittedly more against his bicep than anything.

“That a command, little missy?” He turned those burning eyes on you once again, and you felt something tighten deep within you. Feeling a surge of confidence roll through you as you captured his attention, you reached up and plucked his hat off his head before plopping it down on your own. It was warm and smelled like his shampoo, something deep and spicy. His lips slowly slid into a sly grin as you tilted your head back slightly more than before to be able to see him under the brim of it.

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2,759 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

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[valleyrunearchives]

Binary

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Fandom: Boku No Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Pairings: Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Chapter 17/?

“Binary code is a series of zeroes and ones strung together in a specific sequence. On paper, it’s useless. Annoying. Worthless. But put that same string of zeroes and ones into a computer, and suddenly it’s a language far more complex than the human mind can comprehend. I was the same way. The world decided I wasn’t good enough in the physical plane, so I went digital. That’s why I chose the name Binary. And you should be very,” He smirks at the underground hero on the screen, “Very afraid of the reach I have here. Aizawa Shouta.”

Or

Midoriya Izuku is tired of the world treating him like nothing. So he decides to becoming a hacker to show the world that nothing can be anything.

Featuring Midoriya Izuku as the Genius Hacker Aizawa Shouta as the problem child wrangler Yamada Hizashi as the moral support to his husband Tsukauchi Naomasa as the man who needs a long vacation PLEASE Shinsou Hitoshi as the intentionally adopted one Toga Himiko as the unintentionally adopted one Dabi as the really didn’t want to be adopted one but he guesses this is his life now and Nedzu as the Rat God of UA

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Click here to Read on AO3!

Shouta hears the murmurs around him of his fellow teachers. Now that he’s thinking about it, they’ve been mumbling amongst themselves for the last while. Shouta just hadn’t fully noticed beyond an initial thought of it since he’s busy working on both his cases as well as starting to get things ready for the next school year. Sure it’s still several months away but it never hurts to prepare early. He’d mostly been wondering how many of his new students that he’ll have to expel this year. He’s guesstimating at least four, if not six. Regardless, now he can’t focus on anything else because of all the low chattering around him. He gives a brief glance around the room before his eyes settle on Hizashi. His husband catches his eye and shrugs, not knowing what was going on.

“Alright,” he says tiredly, “Spit it out. What is so important that you guys won’t shut up for five minutes? Some of us have things to do, you know.”

“Well, it’s just…” Nemuri starts, uncharacteristically hesitant, “Nedzu normally gives the updates and any new expectations for next year’s classes by now but he hasn’t said anything. Not to mention, he said months ago that we’d be getting a new staff member for the coming year but he hasn’t said anything else about who it is.” 

“It’s like he’s… behind. And we know he only gets that way when he’s distracted,” Kan picks up, “You’re kind of the closest teacher to him, for whatever odd reason. Do you know what he’s working on so intensely?”

Shouta’s brows furrow. That is odd. “Has anyone heard him mention anything? Even just an off-handed comment about anything?” he asks them.

“I heard him say something about more cameras in the testing zones while I was dropping off some paperwork,” Thirteen says.

More cameras? Why would he need more-? It clicks for him just as it clicks for Hizashi too. “Binary,” They both say at the same time. 

“Binary?” The rest of the teachers ask, confused.

“There’s a new hacker on scene. Their hacking name is Binary,” Shouta reaches out and takes a sip of his coffee. He grimaces a bit. It’s cold. He’ll need to get a refresh in a minute.

“Oh! The hacker! I’ve talked to them! Or… they’ve talked to me, rather,” Nemuri says.

… What? He turns sharp eyes over to her. Hizashi beats him to it when he blurts out, “When?!”   

“Uh… about a week ago I guess? They helped me out with a case! They’re amazing at what they do!” Everyone turns wide-eyed to her as she shrugs, “What?”

“Why didn’t you think to tell anyone about this?!” Hizashi yells with flailing arms.

“Volume, Yamada,” He warns him before addressing Nemuri, “Why didn’t you though?”

“I don’t know. I kind of felt like if I told someone they would try and stop them. And they’re really good. They’re really trying their best to help people!” 

Shouta resists the urge to facepalm at that. Snipe slowly raises his hand behind Nemuri, “I have also had contact with Binary.” 

“What…” Hizashi blinks at him in astonishment now. 

The gunslinger hero shrugs, “My reasoning is kind of the same. They helped, they didn’t do anything to impede me, I didn’t see a point in sayin’ anything if ya’ll were just gonna try and stop them.”

“Well that ship has long sailed…” Hizashi says.

“What?” They both ask him.

Shouta sighs. Couldn’t Hizashi have had just a bit more tact about this? He does still explain to them, “I’ve been investigating Binary at the request of Tsukauchi for months now. I’m still no closer to figuring out their identity. Yamada and I both have had interactions with Binary where they worked with us as something of a dispatcher. I can admit, they’re good at it too.” 

“Okay, so what does this have to do with Nedzu, anyway?” Nemuri asks with eyes squinted in suspicion. 

“Binary somehow managed to hack into our networks and get the specifics of UA’s entrance exam.”

All the voices of the teachers ring out in complete shock. He knows what they’re thinking. It was unheard of. Some of the top hackers in and out of the country haven’t even come close to figuring out the UA entrance exam specifics. They never get past the initial security Nedzu has in place. How could this newbie get past it all in one try? Shouta stands up and moves to the coffee pot to finally refresh his coffee as he continues, “Nedzu, in typical Nedzu fashion, is hyperfixated on it. He’s absolutely certain that either someone who knows Binary or Binary themself will be a part of the entrance exam this year. Why else would they need to hack the specifics?” 

“That’s why he needs more cameras in the testing areas,” Thirteen points out, “He’s hoping to catch whoever it is.” 

“Precisely,” Shouta agrees, then takes a sip of the now hot and fresh coffee. Oh, that’s nice.

“Why didn’t you tell us about Binary, Shouta?” Nemuri asks him.

He sets his coffee down at his desk as he retakes his seat, “Tsukauchi and I were hoping to keep Binary on the DL. Based on what we’ve figured out about them, we have suspicions that they’re possibly traumatized due to past bullying and mistreatment by those around them. This was taken by the fact that they indirectly told me the worthlessness of their quirk.”

Hizashi clears his throat with a pointed look. He rolls his eyes but dutifully adds, “Or lack of one. Since he seemed to keep contact with only me, Tsukauchi, and Yamada - and even then only because Binary hacked deep enough to find the connection between the two of us - we hoped we could find them and convince them to peacefully give up hacking. That we could possibly reduce any kind of charges against them if so.”

“Are there charges against them?” Nemuri asks suspiciously.

“So far, no. None that we can really pin and keep since all they seem to be doing is acting as a concerned citizen by reporting high risk crimes to the proper authorities. But some people will be rallying for them if we do catch them. Especially now that we know that he’s contacting heroes outside of the three of us.” 

“We won’t tell, Shouta, you know we won’t,” Nemuri reassures him with pleading eyes. He knows what she wants but he can’t guarantee that he’ll be able to give it to her. He shakes his head negatively, “That’s not the issue. I know you and snipe won’t say anything. But not every hero is going to have nice things to say about Binary or be willing to keep their hacking a secret.” 

“So what do we do?” Snipe asks him.

“For now, nothing. Let me or Yamada know immediately if any others of you have contact with them. Also, try and keep a closer eye on the testing areas as well. Maybe we can beat Nedzu to Binary or their associate if we all work together to try and spot them. I’m going to contact Tsukauchi at the end of the school day today to let him know what’s going on and that you’re now all a part of the Binary case, if for no other reason than to try and keep them out of Nedzu’s claws.”

All the other teachers agreed with him immediately. Shouta sighs and picks up his coffee mug again. This is going to be a long day. And an even longer conversation with Tsukauchi.

#bnha #bnha fanfic #bnha fanfiction #mha fanfiction #mha fanfic #hacker!izuku midoriya #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #kayama nemuri #vlad king #thirteen mha #snipe mha

[vtforpedro]

medical update

I've been trying to find the energy to write an update and you'd think being stuck on a reclining chair for the entire day that I'd be able to find some but NO! My body has simply said 'no energy' this month.

I've actually had so many appointments this month it's been criminal. I haven't had to move around this much in a long time and it hasn't been so great pain-wise. So, I think I was at 16 weeks when I made a brief update about seeing my neuro in person??

21 weeks this week. Y'all it's been five months of this lmao I'm going to try to summarize so I don't get lost in rambling immediately

-saw my neuro in person on august 18th -order for another fucking lumbar spine MRI -pain specialist and pain psychologist referral -ER visit on august 26th for neuro-unrelated shit finally lmao -pain specialist at 18 weeks -pain specialist ordered a compounded cream at an APOTHECARY just for meeeee, a tens machine, a prescription nsaid, steroid injections for my sacral area, aquatic therapy, a medical grade back brace, and a chiropractor but insurance doesn't cover that -EMG procedure as ordered 1.5-2 months ago -saw my OB for what I went to the ER for -got my back brace -follow up with my neuro's PA because we wasted 1 hr and 45 minutes yesterday trying to get my telehealth appt with my neuro to work but it didn't. their fault, but they said I couldn't see him until OCTOBER 25TH THEN huahguahghguah

So that leads to today lmao

Most of that has been this month u_u Tuesday was the last in-person appointment for the month and I could die happy. Soooo much pain.

Alright, so now let's go through what happened with all of this.

1. My neurologist is a discriminatory egotistical asshole who is one year out of residency. He will not give me the diagnosis he and I talked about me having 99% for sure but we needed to 'clinch it' (per their notes) with a lumbar puncture. Which we did. But then they destroyed me lmao. He heard I'm in the middle of applying for disability and walked back my diagnosis super quick and announced he was 'not an advocate for long-term disability' and that he's a 'positive person' while not asking what my goals for recovery were whatsoever.

Sorry that making $300,000 a year has clouded your judgment that a measly $850ish monthly payment can be life-changing for a little guy like me while I go through intense physical therapy and mental health therapy to deal with what Y O U R hospital did to me.

He also marked my chiari malformation as 'resolved' after that conversation. I had mentioned my neurosurgeon didn't think I had a "real" one and my neurologist disagreed. Let me stress this: HE DISAGREED. But then he marked it as resolved. The only way to resolve a chiari malformation is neurosurgery you absolute buffoon of a man. So now it's marked as resolved and not an ongoing issue for my disability judge to see. :)

Anyway. I could probably prove malpractice fifty times over with this place lol I'm going to talk to the office manager about switching to a different doctor but they're a 'teaching' hospital so not sure if I'll be able to. We'll see. I truly hate this man. The stuff he has pulled would take up days of my time explaining. Legit hatred is what I feel for this man lmao he is doing everything he can to be combative after what happened to me when instead he should have offered me the best care possible after their fuck up.

Lots of trauma to work through hoo boy! And it just gets worse every goddamn week, I swear.

Okay, the EMG. It was ordered because I am having nerve pain and have been since oh I don't know the first day. So this was my second EMG and it was a hellish experience, but guess what?

I have fucking nerve damage from the lumbar puncture. Specifically, the nerve that affects the lower lumbar back, down the butt, back of the leg, and into the calf. Sometimes into the foot, but not always.

Guess who has been telling them about the tingles I have every single day of my life on the backside from my lower back to my butt to my thigh to my calves. They've brushed me off continuously because it wasn't in my feet. Turns out it doesn't HAVE TO BE.

N e ways. Guess what this specific nerve damage also causes?

'Excruciating pain with prolonged sitting.'

I've been asking since my headache went away (the severity of it dropped off at 10 days post LP) WHY I CAN'T SIT UP. I asked every single medical professional I talked to at this place for months. Why. Can't. I. Sit. Up. Without. Excruciating. Pain.

My neuro's PA is a much nicer and way less combative military man :P and he said 'this is really fantastic to have because it supports everything you've been telling us and we can move forward'

Super glad it only took 4-5 months for you guys to take me seriously.

I now have to do physical therapy to recover from being bedbound for 5 months but also to help with the nerve damage. I JUST got a back brace on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, for the first time since April 29th, I was able to sit up and stand on my own. Tears. Literal tears. How fucked is that? But I can't even be happy. I'm so fucking angry that a medical grade back brace might've been helping from the beginning but it took seeing my neuro face to face with my mom at 16 weeks for him to believe us that this has ruined our lives.

It's ruining my rock-solid relationship with my mom.

She can barely work. She is our sole income.

I'm in excruciating pain so bad I have asked my mother to kill me, leave my apartment so I can kill myself, and to please be happy for me because I'll be out of pain.

This man's face as I cried and said those words was very 'oh shit she really meant everything she said the last 4 months.'

Infuriating. No other words. It's just infuriating.

2. My pain specialist rocks. I wanted to scream with relief when she listed everything she wanted to do. We can't do steroid injections because, less importantly, I have extreme trauma about needles in my back haha wonder where that came from, and, more importantly, I'm a leukemia patient and they lower the immune system.

I had labs done and my hematologist's appointment too. She's not happy with my labs because they jumped quite high, I'm not happy with them, and despite zero detectable leukemia cells……. she wants me to do a repeat bone marrow biopsy once my spine is recovered.

:)

If I have cancer floating around in there, I can't even treat it. At this point it would be watching it closely, making sure I don't get covid (the measures we take going to, during, and after appointments contribute heavily to my pain and exhaustion, but it's been 2 yrs of my life already), and honestly, hoping for the best.

More needles in my back yay.

Hopefully this is like… months down the line, so I'm trying not to worry too much about it right now.

3. I had to go to the ER because I thought I had appendicitis. I'm back on my med for the high pressure (my neuro says it's only possibly there yet would not give me this medication if he were not sure because it'd be dangerous but I digress) and it's a diuretic so I pee a lot. I can't get up on my own yet, so having a full bladder was pressing on the appendix area and idk it felt like someone stuck a hot poker/brand in my insides and it was. Unpleasant.

My WBC jumped, and the pain tests were all there, but everything came back clear. So. YAY FOR ME AGAIN. But the ER PA did say it could be scarring they can't see, so I wondered about endo. Looked it up and it spoke to me in the worst ways lmao so I saw my OB and we're gonna try a few conservative things while I go through everything else.

So, a mystery right now.

So goddamn tired y'all. There's more but I'll save it for later. It hasn't been gucci but my MH is not as horrid as it was before.

Love you all.

#medical #personal #vtforpedro personal #tw medical #doctors being doctors oh boy #man idk what tumblr did to my complete lack of formatting by adding it but no thank u